South Park: Post Covid (2021) | Transcript

What happened to the children who lived through the Pandemic? Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny survived but will never be the same Post Covid.
South Park: Post Covid (2021)

♪ MTV ♪

And now, a Paramount Plus made-for-TV movie.

“It’s not a movie-it’s a made-for-TV movie.”

From the green hills of Vermont to the verdant canyons of Arizona, people all over the country are beginning to realize it’s nearly over!

We have almost beaten COVID and the best news of all: Infections are at an all-time low.

New, stronger vaccinations have ebbed the tide.

And we humans are cleaning up the mess and finally getting on with our lives.

But as we start to get back to our jobs and schools, one question remains: What lingering effects will the pandemic have on children?

Some say no effect at all. The children are just fine.

We came together and finally we can say, we are starting to win the war against COVID.

Stan?

Stan, the phone’s for you!

Stan!

What?!

Could you not hear me?

Yeah, dude, but I’m busy working.

Working on getting drunk again.

I’m not “getting drunk,” I’m an online whiskey consultant.

I’m doing research.

Everyone needs to leave me alone.

The guy on the phone said it’s important.

He said his name is Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Is this Stan Marsh, from South Park?

Kyle?

Oh, dude, it is you!

How have you-How have you been?

I’m… fine. How are you?

I’m good, I’m…

I know this is weird. We haven’t talked since…

well, you know, since it all happened.

Yeah, well, the pandemic is about over now.

I’m moving on with my life.

Stan… you should come back here.

There’s a lot going on.

There’s nothing in South Park for me, Kyle!

I’m not going back there, ever.

Look, dude, you remember when we were little?

When the pandemic… first started.

Us friends said we’d always be there for each other when things got bad.

What do you mean? What’s happened?

Stan…

It’s Kenny. He’s dead.

Live from the Moderna Center in downtown New York, it’s Late Night With Jimmy!

Tonight’s guest, First Lady Tom Kardashian!

And now here he is, the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!

Wow.

Wow, what a terrific audience.

What a fantastic audience, wow.

Geez, what’s the deal with these Mexicans, huh?

I mean, they have fabulous food, their country has amazing beaches, and they’re really fantastic people.

Wow, what a great audience.

You know, today I was on the subway and I saw an ad for the Center for People Who Identify as Homosexual But Were Born Bi.

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

I’ll tell you one thing– those people are brave and deserve every ounce of our respect.

S-Stick around.

First Lady Tom Kardashian is here.

We’ll be right back!

Jimmy, we got a call from corporate.

They want you to cut the hummus joke.

What?!

It’s hard enough doing comedy these days.

Now I’m getting notes during commercial breaks?!

You’re just gonna have to joke about something else.

All right, fine, what else is going on in the news? Quick!

Uh, Amazon thinks they might have discovered gold on Mars.

Ah, Jesus. Anything else?

Uh, that famous eccentric scientist died.

The millionaire philanthropist? Dr. McCormick?

Kenny? Kenny’s dead?

Oh, I’m sorry, did you know him?

We were friends when we were kids. Let me see that!

“Very mysterious circumstances.”

That’s what doctors are saying about the death of beloved scientist and humanitarian, Dr. Kenny McCormick.

McCormick was a pioneer of science and technology who was always trying to unlock the key to a better future.

He worked tirelessly-some say balls-out crazily– on new inventions and theories but somehow his biggest questions seemed to elude him.

The head of NASA said, “We have lost an innovator and a visionary. Kenny was so brilliant that most of the time, we couldn’t even understand what he was saying.”

Get me a first-class ticket to South Park!

What? You can’t leave! You have to get back onstage!

The first lady is here!

Tell Tom Kardashian to suck my P-P-Popsicles that are in the green room, and that I am very sorry, and that he is a fantastic person.

Stan?

Stan, wake up, I think we’re here.

So that’s it, huh?

That’s the town you grew up in?

Yeah.

Well, how does it feel to be back after all these years?

It feels shitty, okay? Can you please shut the fuck up?

Why did you even bring me along if you’re not going to let me help you through this?!

Alexa, stop!

♪ I can’t sit here while I go nowhere ♪

♪ Chase my dreams through the polluted air ♪

♪ Walking on a wire ♪

♪ Running out of time ♪

♪ There’s no room in this ol’ heart of mine ♪

♪ So much pressure to keep holdin’ on ♪

♪ Pack my clothes up, baby, I’ll be gone ♪

♪ Stir it up, I’ve got to break it up now ♪

♪ When I think about tomorrow ♪

♪ I can’t wait to ♪

♪ Stir it up ♪

♪ Got to shake it up now ♪

♪ If I have to beg or borrow ♪

♪ I don’t wanna ♪

♪ Take it anymore ♪

♪ Got to break it up now ♪

♪ When I think about tomorrow ♪

♪ I can’t wait to stir it up. ♪

Come on in and let your taste buds soar!

Denny’s is now Denny’s Applebee’s Max.

Come taste the difference.

Hey, dude.

Hey, dude.

Wow. This is crazy, huh?

I mean, how long has it been?

I guess… since we were nine.

Well, have a seat.

What have you been up to?

Oh, dude, just all kinds of stuff.

You know, getting stuff going.

Got my own online whiskey consultant gig.

I’m totally happy. What about you?

Oh, I’m getting things going, too.

I’m doing a sort of counseling online start-up thing.

Really doing great, too.

Sweet.

Listen, Stan… I know that we disagreed a lot during the pandemic, but I hope we can put that aside…

Dude, Kyle, I’m just here for Kenny.

All right, well, there’s something you should know about the way Kenny died.

Hi, guys, welcome to Denny’s Applebee’s Max.

I see you got your menus already.

As you’re deciding what to order, I just want to go over a couple things.

Now, of course, it is the future so we don’t have any meat on the menu.

‘Cause you know, here in the future, we’ve all decided meat is wrong.

Yeah, we know.

Okay, and, uh, you’ll see there’s some dishes made from insect protein on the menu.

That, of course, is because here in the future, we’ve all learned that insects are a valuable and sustainable food and we no longer fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.

We know, dude.

Okay, well, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to say anything, because, you know, it’s the future.

We’ve learned to all just get along and love each other.

Look, Stan, Kenny was trying to find the answers to some pretty heavy stuff.

He felt like there were people responsible for everything that’s happened.

Like who?

That’s just it. Nobody knows. But whoever these people are, they didn’t want Kenny McCormick exposing them.

Wait a minute. Token?

Yeah, it’s me.

Just before he died, Kenny was texting me that he was on to something huge.

And he was texting me, too.

Saying he’d discovered something that could change the world.

And then he died, and the hospital won’t say how.

And that got us thinking…

Oh, my God. They killed Kenny.

I’m just here for the funeral.

I don’t want to be a part of anything else.

Dude, there might be people to blame for ruining our childhoods.

So what do you wanna do, Kyle?

Go on some bullshit adventure like when we were kids?

Maybe, maybe we can call Jesus and Santa and ask them for help. Is that what you want?

It’s the fucking future, you guys. Grow up.

Hello, welcome to the Super 12 Motel Plus.

Can I help you?

Yeah, Stan Marsh.

I have a room for one night.

Okay, I see you’re in one of our Mach Ten Super Plus rooms.

Now, of course, we only take Bitcoin and other cryptocurrency ’cause, you know, it’s the future.

We’ve all decided centralized banking is rigged, so we trust more in fly-by-night Ponzi schemes.

Yeah, I know.

So you walked out on all your friends and then just hung out at a bar all day?

Alexa, fucking just go throw yourself out a window.

I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get that.

Nothing. Alexa, turn on the TV.

Oh, God, you are such a piece of shit.

You know, if you had Remote Prime membership, you could watch Amazon movies wherever you go.

Would you like to get started?

No.

I’m sorry.

I’m trying to be fucking helpful.

Why don’t you grow up and start acting like an adult for once in your life…

Alexa, stop!

Fuck you!

Jon, I’m standing outside the South Park Flash Rail Max, where hundreds of people are coming to pay their respects to Dr. Kenny McCormick.

There’s still no word from the hospital on what exactly killed Kenny McCormick, but letters sent to multiple news outlets reveal that he might have known his life was in danger.

Dr. McCormick said, “I am about to expose the truth.

“In the event of my death I have hidden away all relevant information. My closest friends will know where to find it.”

Dr. Kenneth McCormick.

He wanted to make the future a better place.

Too bad he died, ’cause the future certainly sucks.

♪ Someone’s at the door ♪

♪ This is the doorbell ♪

♪ It’s the future so doorbells sing. ♪

Yeah, I know.

Okay, so you were right.

Kenny was on to some bad people and he hid something for us to find.

Yeah, I saw. Only problem is I don’t know what he’s talking about.

But thank you for saying I was right.

You’re welcome. It doesn’t mean that you were right about everything during the pandemic.

Because you weren’t.

Okay, well, obviously we’re never going to agree on certain things, so we shouldn’t talk about them.

Sounds good. So let’s go to Kenny’s wake and see if anyone else shows up who might know what Kenny’s talking about.

Let’s do that.

Hello. Testing. Hey, everybody.

It’s amazing to see you all here for Kenny’s wake.

Wow, what a great audience.

Uh, for those of you who don’t know, my name is Jimmy Valmer and, uh, I had to take an Asian airline to get here today.

You know what they say about Asian airlines– they’re dependable and just as efficient as any other competent airline.

What a terrific audience.

So many people have come for Kenny today– so many amazing friends I haven’t seen in ages.

You know, I had a friend once who was a Polish hair stylist.

Talk about an amazing haircut at an affordable price.

Well, I know that we’re all ready to talk to each other and share our memories of Kenny.

So please just have fun and we’ll see you at the funeral tomorrow.

♪ We are all, you and me ♪

♪ We are all living in the future ♪

♪ We are all in the future… ♪

Stan?

Stan Marsh?

Yeah?

Hi. It’s Wendy.

Wendy Testaburger, wow.

Yeah. My husband, Darwin.

Hey, pal, how are ya?

Hey, guys. It’s Tweek and Craig.

Oh, hey. How are you guys?

We’re good.

I have a lot of anxiety being back with all these people!

Wendy’s told me a lot about you, Stan.

How’s everything with the family?

Excuse me, I’m gonna go get, uh, drunk.

What’s wrong with Stan?

We’re just… trying to find out what happened to Kenny.

I think this goes deeper than you guys realize.

Hey, Stan Marsh! Good to see you.

It’s me, Clyde Donovan.

Oh, hey, Clyde.

What have you been doing during the pandemic?

Oh, you know, lots of stuff.

Yeah, me, too. Sucks about Kenny, huh?

Hope they find all the information on that thing he hid.

You know where he might have hid it?

No, I don’t. But I bet someone here does.

It’s really great to see you guys again.

These past few decades have been really tough.

Yeah, sometimes I think the pandemic really aged me.

Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?

Dude, he’s here.

Who’s here?

Cartman?

Yeah, but he’s changed.

Changed how?

Yes, I know, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other.

I’m doing really well.

I’m actually the head of Gespetzah Synagogue down in Colorado Springs.

Can you believe it? I’m a rabbi.

Yeah, you know, when the whole pandemic happened, I think it changed me.

It really changed me for the better.

It did?

No.

He’s fucking with me.

What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I get it, the Eric Cartman you guys knew didn’t seem like he’d become a rabbi.

But I found real meaning in the Torah and then I found a great Jewish woman and… let the spirit of the Talmud guide our lives.

Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.

Dude.

Wow, that’s very big of you, Kyle.

Still living in South Park and calling people fat-ass, huh?

Wait, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.

It’s not fucking funny, Cartman!

Stop pretending you have a happy Jewish life!

Hey, shoogina! I’m sorry, I couldn’t wait in the car anymore; I had to meet your friends.

Oh, that’s okay. Guys, this is my wife, Yentl.

I’ve heard so many stories about you all.

It must have been amazing to grow up in these beautiful mountains!

Yentl? Her name is Yentl?

Can we fucking stop this and talk about Kenny, please?!

Oh, is that, uh…?

Yeah, that’s-that’s Kyle, yeah.

I’m sorry, honey, can you just give me a couple minutes?

I just need a few more seconds with them and I’ll be right out to the car.

Oh, okay, I get it.

Nice to meet you guys.

We’ll see you at the funeral, I guess.

And I’m very sorry for your loss.

Bye, Mrs. Cartman.

Okay, look, guys, Kenny and I were still really good friends.

He used to email me all the time about stuff he was doing.

Yeah, me, too!

Well, so then maybe he also told you that he was trying to find the origin of the coronavirus.

What are you talking about?

Kenny was obsessed with how corona first got started.

He was clearly on to something, and then he died.

I know we all want to solve this for him.

You know, in the Torah, when Abraham first heard the word of God…

Just knock it off! You don’t believe a word of that shit. You’re just doing all this to get a rise out of me.

Kyle, you really think I would spend 40 years of my life just to get a rise out of you?

Yes, I do!

Same ol’ Kyle.

Well, I got to go, guys.

I’ll see you at Kenny’s funeral tomorrow.

Maybe he’s really changed.

No. He is fucking with me.

Sometimes I feel like things weren’t supposed to be like this.

Like maybe there are others in control of the way it all turned out.

Is that what you’re saying, Dr. McCormick?

Are you saying that there are other people responsible?

I guess what I’m trying to say, Dr. McCormick, is… your theories seem to point to some kind of people with power.

Let me put it another way-we’ve all seen the pictures of you working in Egypt, lecturing at MIT.

And you always seem to come back to this concept of this mysterious organization who is to blame.

Let me put it yet another way, Dr. McCormick.

Hang on a second.

What was that? Alexa, freeze the video.

What?

Freeze video and reverse playback ten seconds.

Stop there.

Enhance image 20%.

Ugh. Whatever.

Shift right ten frames.

Enhance.

Tegridy Weed?

Isn’t that your dad’s old marijuana company?

Oh, shit.

Hi. Welcome. Welcome, my friends.

So blessed to have you here.

Hello, my child, thank you for coming.

Yeah, sure.

Wait, Stan?

Stan Marsh?

Praise be! I haven’t seen you in ages!

I’m sorry, do I know you?

Well, sure, it’s me!

Scott Malkinson! Remember me?

Uh, no, sorry.

I hung out with you guys all the time when we were little.

I was the kid with the lisp.

Who had diabetes?

Oh, yeah, sure…

Great to see you again.

Hey, guys. Great to see you in church.

It’s Scott Malkinson.

Who?

Scott Malkinson, I went to school with you guys?

Oh, okay.

Hello. Welcome. Hey! It’s me! Scott Malkinson!

With the diabetes. No?

Kenny McCormick was a cherished son, a wise man, and a wonderful friend.

Kenny touched all of our lives and made each and every one of us laugh, cry and ponder.

And in his death, now we can reflect on our own lives.

Are we happy?

Are we the person we hoped to be?

Have we, like Kenny, given all that we can to forgive those around us?

For life is short, and our family and friends must be cherished.

You know, in many ways, death is like diabetes.

You spend your whole life trying to fight it off but ultimately it just wins.

And so let’s take the time now to reach out to our friends.

To reach out to our family.

To tell our mothers and our fathers that we…

All right! All right! Who the fuck put you up to this?

Did you write this goddamn speech, Kyle?

Did you tell him to say all this stuff?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You know that I know something about Kenny that I’m not telling you because it involves my father, who I don’t want to face!

That’s crazy and you’d be able to face what happened to your family if you weren’t a fucking asshole!

Guys, please, this is a house of God.

You shut the fuck up!

You judge me, you all sit here and judge me.

Well, fuck all of you!

This is exactly why I moved out of this hick-ass town!

And I am going back home to the city!

My child, please, we are gathered in Christ…

My child, please, we are gathered in Christ.

I’m Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes.

He does remember me!

Alexa, start the car!

Start the car? Where are you going?

I need to stop at a store and then we’re going home.

What about the connection you just found between Kenny and your father?

Alexa, find the nearest liquor store.

Oh, you wanna get drunk?

Let me guess-someone said something you didn’t like and it made you want to pound beer and wine?

It’s not “pounding beer and wine.”

I drop wine shots into the beer.

It’s called a “smorgasvein” and it’s very cultural!

Stop acting like a child and support your dead friend, Stan!

You don’t even have any…

Alexa, stop!

Thank you. Thank you, Father.

Hello, everyone. My name is Rabbi Cartman and I was Kenny McCormick’s very, very best friend.

Kenny was not a Jew, but he had so many amazing Jewish qualities.

Qualities that I see in my loving wife and my amazing kids, that are right over there.

Over there by Kyle.

And as we all return now to our homes and our lives, I think that-a lot like Abraham– let’s not forget that…

Excuse me. Everyone?

Hello?

Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

We got results from the PNR scan of Dr. McCormick’s remains and we now know the cause of his death.

Now we all need to stay calm.

There is no reason to panic, but…

Kenny died of COVID.

It’s a new variant.

The COVID Delta Plus Rewards Program variant.

Everyone, please!

We cannot panic!

That’s it! We’re all out of chin diapers!

Oh, God, we’re all out of chin diapers!

Zoom…

Come on, come on, come on! Remote learning!

Come on, come on, come on!

Alexa, what’s going on?

There’s some kind of road closure ahead.

Set up a perimeter! I want all exit points sealed.

People of South Park, there is an outbreak of COVID in your community.

You are being quarantined.

Hey, dude! I don’t live here. I need to get home!

Nobody is going in or out.

We have confirmation that one person in this community has never been vaccinated against COVID, so we must quarantine everyone.

One person?! Well, who is it?!

We are not allowed to say.

But if you tell us who the unvaccinated person is, we can have them vaccinated and then this will all be over!

We can’t tell you who it is because, in case you forgot, it’s the future, and we don’t single out or ridicule anyone

for their personal beliefs.

Gah! I hate the future!

What does this mean?

Yeah, what’s it mean, Daddy?

I think it means… we’re all stuck in South Park.

Okay, there we go.

We’ll get back with the results.

Maintain six feet social distance and stay indoors. Thank you.

Next, please!

Yeah, listen, I have to get out of here.

Yes, don’t we all.

No, no, no, I don’t belong here and I don’t have anywhere to stay.

They’ve shut down all the motels.

Do you have any friends or family that you can stay with?

No, these people are not my friends and I have no family here.

Oka–

It’s okay.

They’ve set up an emergency shelter for all the people who were here from out of town.

Where?

All right, everyone, listen up.

No way.

Welcome to South Park Elementary.

We want to help you all be as comfortable as possible.

So we will have quiet time from 9:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. every day. I don’t want to hear any fucking gender-specific language in here.

And if anybody here casts a movie with someone other than the culture that that movie is about, you are fucking out of here!

All right, thank you. It is now 9:01. Lights out.

It’s been a long time since I’ve prayed.

I don’t know if anyone can hear me… but we all really need help right now.

I know in my heart that Kenny didn’t just die of some new COVID variant.

I know there’s something way bigger going on.

But it all seems like so much to take on.

Please, if there’s anyone who could help see me through this, it would be a miracle.

♪ Someone’s at the door ♪

♪ This is the doorbell ♪

♪ Apparently in the future ♪

♪ All doorbells sing, sing, sing. ♪

Yeah, I fucking know, goddamn it!

Hey, Kyle. Oh, man, this is crazy, huh?

The school is all filled up and the motels are shut down.

I was, I was just hoping maybe we could crash here.

Look, I, uh, I don’t think that’s gonna work.

I figured Stan is probably staying with you, too?

No. No, he’s not.

Oh, great! Then you have some extra rooms.

We’re gonna be okay, kids!

Yay!

No, no, Cartman, I’m sure there are some other places you can stay.

My family would be really comfortable in a nice Jewish home. Please, Kyle, for my kids.

We promise we’ll be good, Uncle Kyle.

Please, Uncle Kyle?

Please, Uncle Kyle?

I can’t believe this.

Come on, kids! Oh, bless you, Kyle.

Don’t worry, I’ll put them right to bed.

You won’t even know we’re here.

Toda raba, Uncle Kyle.

That’s Hebrew for “thank you.”

Guys, doesn’t this all seem a little too convenient?

What do you mean?

I mean that Kenny’s death is suspicious, he talks about people to blame and then he suddenly dies of some new COVID variant?

You think it’s a cover, Token?

I think it’s definitely suspicious.

Speaking of suspicious, what do you call a trans woman that walks into an abortion clinic?

Her name is Rebecca and she’s a fantastic person.

Just seems all nice and buttoned up, doesn’t it?

It’s a perfect cause of death and anyone who’s trying to sort it out is quarantined because one person isn’t vaccinated?

It’s true-who wouldn’t be vaccinated by now?

I’m certainly vaccinated.

Yeah, I’m vaccinated.

Me, too.

We’re all vaccinated.

Yeah, I mean, I-I think it’s a personal choice.

What does that mean? Are you vaccinated, Clyde?

I’m… immunized.

He’s not fucking vaccinated!

He’s the fucking one!

Hey, I just, I just need to see the research first, you know.

It’s been 40 years, Clyde. That’s enough research!

Alexa, set an alarm for 7:00 a.m.

Alexa, set an alarm for 7:00 a.m.

Why don’t you go talk to your father?

Goddamn it.

If there’s some kind of connection with your dad’s farm that can help everyone figure out what’s going on, then you need to talk to him.

Can I just go to sleep, please?

Oh, poor you! Poor you!

Stop being a fucking victim. At least you get to go out and do stuff. What do I get to do?

Okay, okay, I’m sorry.

Oh, okay, great.

You’re sorry, again.

By the way, I can tell you about some great deals on headphones at Best Buy.

Would you like to know more?

Sure, yes, tell me more.

Okay.

The Mark VII headphones have a new edition coming out.

Should I add that to your shopping list?

Yes, sure, add them to my shopping list.

Okay. I’ll add Mark VII headphones from Best Buy to your shopping list.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you like that? Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, you like how Abraham trusted in the one true God?!

Yeah! Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!

Goddamn it!

Oh. Shh, shh. Hang on, honey.

Hang on.

Yeah, yeah, what’s up, buddy?

What’s up is that I am over this!

What are, what are you talking about?

You know what I’m talking about!

You know I can hear you through the walls!

Okay, geez, I’m sorry.

Sorry I was making love to my wife.

No Jewish people have sex screaming about their love of Abraham!

You are a fucking fraud!

Is everything all right?

Do you know that your husband once snuck in my room and gave me fucking AIDS?!

I’m sorry?!

Oh, my God, Kyle!

If we are being too loud, please don’t lash out at my wife!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I don’t know what to say.

Mom, Dad, is everything okay?

It’s all right, kids. Go back to bed.

Kyle, obviously you have a problem with us being here.

I promise you that we will be gone first thing in the morning.

That’s probably best!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you like how Abraham almost sacrificed his only son?!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Sir! Sir, the townspeople are demanding to know when the quarantine will end.

It’ll end when we get the order that everything is safe.

But, sir, the people inside are running out of supplies.

They’re saying they don’t have nearly enough chin diapers and people are starting to fight.

I have strict orders not to let anything in or out of this town.

They’ll just have to make do the best they can in there.

Hopefully they can maintain some sense of humanity.

We got a runner!

Another one trying to get out!

Please!

I just need to go to a sporting event!

Hey, Clyde. Clyde, can we talk to you for a second?

Sure, what’s up?

Look, Clyde, we all really respect your personal p-p-preferences.

But we have things we really need to get back to.

We’ve got jobs a-and careers, people who need us.

B-But we’re being forced to stay here.

So could you maybe just-just get vaccinated real quick?

Oh. Um…

Nah. I don’t wanna.

Look, I’m sorry, guys. It’s for health reasons.

I can’t get vaccinated ’cause I’m allergic to shellfish.

Clyde, there’s no shellfish in the COVID vaccine.

I know, but I read that sometimes in the lab where the vaccine is made, if somebody ate shellfish, then it can get cross-contaminated and have leftover residual shellfish-ness.

So you’re saying you won’t take the COVID vaccine out of shellfish-ness.

Yes, that is correct.

Just a general sense of shellfish-ness.

Everyone, you better come check this out.

Look at this.

The McCormick Science Wing at South Park Elementary.

Yeah, so? I read about this.

Kenny donated tons of money to build a science center for the students.

Yeah, for the students.

So why does it have a lock on it?

This must be where Kenny was doing all his research.

He didn’t want to be found, so he used the school as cover.

Uh, guys, why is there blood everywhere?

Everybody see what you can find.

There’s got to be a clue here of who killed Kenny.

♪ In the future ♪

♪ We are living in the future ♪

♪ It’s the future. ♪

And we are the fastest growing retirement home in Park County. With our newest tower, we can now house over 600,000 old people.

‘Cause in the future you’re old for a long, long time.

Can I help you?

My name is Stan Marsh. I came to… visit my dad.

Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh, guess what.

Your son is here.

I don’t have a son.

Oh, come on, Mr. Marsh, don’t be a grumpy pants.

You tell that piece of shit that if he wants to talk to me, he can write an email.

Tell that little pussy if I had any grandkids, maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter at having such a little bitch for a son!

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hey, Stan.

I’ll leave you two alone.

So, looks like the Broncos still suck.

Yup.

Well, it was nice seeing ya.

Thanks for coming to visit.

I didn’t come to visit.

Trust me, I don’t want to be here.

Right, like you didn’t want to murder your sister.

What happened to Shelley was your fault, not mine!

Yeah, like it was my fault your mom shot herself!

Yes, it actually was!

Your mom died the day her daughter burned to death!

I’m just here because of Kenny.

Why would he have Tegridy Weed in his equations?

Dr. McCormick mentioned Tegridy?

It seemed to somehow fit into some grand theory he had.

He knew. He knew it was the way to fix it all.

He knew… about the Pandemic Special.

But, Mom, why do we have to leave?

It’s not safe outside!

We aren’t welcome here, children.

We have to find another place to stay.

Oh, no, this is just like when our people were exiled from the Holy Lands.

Mrs. Cartman, can I talk to you, please?

Uncle Kyle!

Uncle Kyle, why are you making us go? Why?

Is it ’cause we’re Jews?

Mrs. Cartman, I’m sorry for last night.

I was just… tired and it was extremely inappropriate of me.

Dad!

I think Uncle Kyle is gonna let us stay, Papa!

Uh, no, kids, I’m sorry, but we can’t stay here with Uncle Kyle.

Please stay. I am asking you to stay.

Can we, Dad? We’ll be good, we promise!

You little ones are always good.

♪ Mik-helm, Mik-helm, mit cloiska pudding ♪

♪ Vil plotz vit laughter, too ♪

Stop it!

♪ Someone is at the door! ♪

♪ Yeah! This is the doorbell! ♪

♪ It is the future! ♪

They killed Kenny… because he was trying to stop it.

Stop what?

We found Kenny’s lab.

All of his confidential work and his wild experiments.

Kenny wasn’t just trying to find the source of the coronavirus.

He was trying to go back in time, and stop the pandemic from ever happening.

Okay, old people.

It’s 4:00. You know what that means.

It’s share time!

Who has something that they want to share?

Mr. Garrison?

I’d like to share my dick in your mouth.

M’kay.

Okay, guys, let’s settle down.

Look, I know sharing feelings is hard during this time of crisis.

Is anyone feeling nervous about the new COVID outbreak?

We don’t want you to worry, because, you know, it’s the future-we all do everything we can to make sure old people don’t die.

Okay, if nobody else wants to go first, Randy Marsh had a little visitor today and he’d like to share that with all of you.

Uh, hey, everyone. I had a special visitor today.

My “son.”

Who hasn’t come to see me in over 20 years.

And I have some things I need to tell him but it’s hard because… he killed his mom and his sister.

Okay, okay, here’s what happened.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

After the pandemic, my mom wanted a divorce and she owned half of the farm.

She didn’t own half, she always hated weed, and she didn’t do shit for the farm.

He wouldn’t give her half the farm, so I got sick of their fighting and decided to burn the whole stupid farm to the ground.

And his sister was in the barn and she burned to death.

Because you locked her in the barn ’cause she wouldn’t do her weed chores ’cause she hated weed, too!

Yes, she had a marijuana problem.

And so his mother couldn’t take the loss of Shelley and so she killed herself!

Which is your fault.

You were the one who burned the family business to the ground.

You guys are hearing this, right?

So, Kenny spends years researching time travel, then suddenly Kenny dies, and all his fellow scientists go missing.

Just leaving behind a trail of blood.

Seems like all of the scientists were murdered so that nobody could complete Kenny’s work.

All of them except one.

In almost all this research, one name keeps popping up: Victor Chouce.

It appears that Chouce was Kenny’s right-hand man.

But he was insane.

He’s been locked up for years inside a mental institution.

Oh, come on. Now we’re gonna start talking to certifiably crazy people?

Crazy or not, we find this Victor Chouce and we find where Kenny hid the information.

Yes.

Yes, that is correct.

Victor Chouce is one of our patients here.

What is the nature of your inquiry?

We have reason to believe that Victor Chouce can answer questions regarding our friend’s death.

Could you put him on the line please?

I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Victor is too unstable for phone calls. They confuse him.

Well, can we come talk to him in person then?

Yes, I believe that could be arranged.

As long as the proper protocols are met.

Is everyone in your party vaccinated?

No.

Well, then I’m afraid we can’t allow you into our facility.

But-but we have to talk to him! It’s urgent!

What’d they say?

They’re not gonna let us see him!

It’s some kind of goddamn conspiracy!

Listen to me, it’s very simple.

I need to take my dad out of here.

He has to come with me.

I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Senior citizens are in here to keep them safe.

You know, it’s the future-we can’t let old people die.

I told you, stupid.

Shut up, Dad.

Look, there’s a chance we can help fight this new variant.

I just need him out for a couple hours so we can get something important.

Well, why don’t you just go get it?

Because he won’t tell me where it is because he doesn’t trust me.

Because he killed his mom.

Look, I’m sorry, but this is the future.

Nothing is more important than keeping old people alive.

What if you took him out there and, God forbid, he crapped his pants?

And then slipped on the old people diarrhea and hit his head?

We’d have to shut down the entire country, for Christ’s sake.

Well, I guess that’s it.

Only one way out now.

Kick him in the balls, Stan!

What?!

Kick him in the balls!

Come on, hurry!

Get your hands off of me!

Dad!

Goddamn it, Stan, kick his fucking balls so we can go!

Fuck!

Okay, grab his keys! Grab his keys, you stupid ass!

Warning. Warning. Old person has escaped.

Old person has escaped. Warning.

All of these documents we found in Kenny’s lab referred to possible origins of the coronavirus.

He wanted to go back and stop it.

But to stop it, he had to figure out how to bend time.

Exactly. There’s notes-years and years of research that Kenny compiled– all on the possibilities of time travel.

You silly girl.

You, yes. Who’s a little mister, yes.

Who’s a little hetzpah?

Who’s my little meshugana?

Excuse me!

Geez, sorry, Kyle.

Kenny was researching the nature of space-time to see if some kind of bending was possible.

But then suddenly, all the research just gets cut off.

Because whoever made the pandemic happen killed Kenny before he could go back and stop it.

Silly girl. Yes.

Will you please knock it off?!

What’s the problem, Kyle?

You know what you’re doing, fat-ass!

Goddamn it, why don’t you lay off my fuckin’ dad, Uncle Kyle!

Moisha! He’s never talked like that before.

I’m sorry, Mom. It’s just…

Uncle Kyle, he makes me so crazy!

That is not okay, Moisha.

But it’s true, Dad. Uncle Kyle makes me crazy, too!

Menorah!

Fuck you, Kyle.

Hackelm!

You guys, listen. In Kenny’s work he talks about where he would hide important information.

He says his friends will always know where to look if they just think like kids again.

Think like kids again…

I know where Kenny hid what we’re looking for.

It’s up his ass.

Who’s the broad?

That’s just my Alexa.

That’s the best you could do, huh?

Is it even the new one?

Excuse me?

Just ignore him.

Okay, fine, there’s a new upgrade available for your Amazon Prime membership.

Would you like to know more?

Not now, please.

Okay, so I guess just fuck me, then?

Uh-huh.

This was once such a magical place.

Can we just get this over with?

I don’t want to be here.

You think I want to be here?

This is where I lost everything that I cared about!

And your mom and your sister!

Dad, there’s nothing here.

Dad?

I think I can trust you now, Stan.

It’s time for you to learn what your friend Kenny was after.

When the pandemic started, you were only a kid.

You don’t remember the pain we all went through.

Yeah, I do.

We as Americans went through so much.

First, that incompetent jack-hole was elected president.

Then the pandemic came, and then the race wars.

And then just when it seemed like we’d turned a corner, Space Jam 2 came out, and we all just kind of gave up.

What we lost, Stan, was our Tegridy.

But it was all by design.

They needed us to lose it.

Who did?

Who would want us to lose our optimism and start fighting with each other?

China.

China?

China.

They’re the superpower now.

The future is totally theirs and we let it happen.

A man in China had sex with a pangolin and that started COVID. That man was me.

So I knew how to go back and stop them from taking over…

Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

You started COVID?

Yes, but that’s besides the point.

China used me like they used us all.

So I came up with a way to help everyone fight back.

A special Tegridy weed.

You had sex with a pangolin in China and started the whole pandemic?!

Will you listen to what I’m saying?!

Gal! I worked to create more Tegridy, but China did everything they could to stop me.

They even got to my son.

Who burned all of Tegridy Farms to the ground.

But what you didn’t even know was that I had secretly created a new strain of weed.

A weed so powerful, I couldn’t even call it a special.

It was more like an event.

I hid it away all these years.

And now it… is the key to saving us all.

Where the fuck is it?

What?

The Tegridy Weed Special Event! Where the fuck is it?!

I don’t know, Dad!

They got it. They took it!

There’s even fresh footprints on the ground!

Oh, Jesus!

So maybe it wasn’t the Chinese.

Yeah, no, it was definitely the Chinese. Oh, God.

That was it! That was the very last bit of Tegridy!

The only other thing I had were some seeds that I hid up my ass, but they took them from me at the old folks home!

Wait a minute. What did you say?

I said they took them from me at the old folks home.

No, before that.

Oh. I said I hid ’em up my ass.

Jesus. It’s so simple. How did we not get it?

Alexa, start the car!

There’s no point now, son!

It’s all gone.

It’s all lost. All lost.

Randy.

Randy.

Ah…?

ICU, please. Blue Team, ICU.

“Un-cle Kyle.”

“Uncle Kyle.” Say it, Hackelm.

“Uncle Kyle.”

Fuck you, Kyle.

No, no, no. “Uncle Kyle.”

Fuck you, Kyle.

Oh, my gosh, no.

We’re so sorry about this.

Hackelm, say “Uncle.”

“Uncle. Uncle Kyle.”

Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!

Hey, that was better.

It isn’t gonna work. The hospital says we don’t have authorization to see Kenny’s remains.

What?!

Sounds like someone doesn’t want us to see Kenny’s remains. ‘Cause we might find the truth.

There has to be a way for us to get in there.

Ha ha. Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!

Hackelm.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

Stan?

What are you doing here?

I’ve been trying to find out who killed Kenny.

I think I know where he stored the information.

It’s in his asshole.

Yes.

Well, it doesn’t matter.

They won’t let us into the morgue.

Yeah, that’s because you guys don’t think.

Excuse me? We need to examine the remains of Dr. McCormick right away.

Like I told the others, only certified medical personnel are allowed to examine cadavers.

Stan Marsh, consultant for Post-Modem Beveragetainment Online Services.

One moment, Doctor.

This is highly unorthodox.

We don’t normally allow outsiders into the morgue.

That’s understandable, Doctor, but luckily I am orthodox.

I don’t think this is suitable for children.

You guys go. You were the closest to him.

We’ll stay back and watch the kids.

I’m sorry we can’t supply any chin diapers.

Just maintain social distance.

Middle cabinet, second from the bottom.

Hello, old friend.

Ah, come on!

Well, let’s get him… turned over.

Somebody’s got to look.

I’m not reaching up Kenny’s ass.

Well, somebody has to.

Cartman, go ahead.

No, I can’t do it.

If anyone should reach up Kenny’s ass, it should be you, Kyle.

I thought you were his fucking “best friend.”

I was his best friend, but I am also married, so I can’t be fingering people’s buttholes.

God, you guys fucking suck. I’ll just do it.

Just like I always had to fix fucking everything else!

You did not “fucking fix everything,” you just started acting like everyone else was stupid.

Oh, really? Because they were acting stupid?

Yeah, because you got all self-righteous about everything.

I got self-righteous?

Yeah, you got self-righteous.

Do you know what fucking sanctimonious means?

No, Kyle, why don’t you fucking tell me what fucking sanctimonious means.

See, this is exactly how you acted when the pandemic started to…

Wait!

Hold on.

We’ve got it.

Oh, my God.

What?

It’s got shit on it. That’s dead people shit.

What are you working on, Clyde?

I’m going through Kenny’s journals again to try to find some answers.

Seems like we just keep hitting dead ends, you know?

I’m just tired and I want to go home.

I know. I’m exhausted, too.

You want to maybe do a little bump?

Huh?

I was just–

I’ve got some coke and I thought we could…

I don’t know, do you want to party?

Fuck yes, I want to party.

Really?

Fuck yes.

Oh, I’m so glad you’re down.

Nobody else is even cool enough for me to ask.

It’s pretty good shit, too.

Oh, man. Thank God.

Thank God I brought this. Here ya go.

Fuck yes. Let’s fucking party.

Wait a minute.

What is this really?

What do you mean?

This isn’t cocaine, it’s the COVID vaccine, isn’t it?!

I’m not putting that shit in my body!

Forget it, guys, it didn’t work.

You guys were gonna trick me into taking the vaccine?!

Goddamn it, Clyde, we want to get out of here!

My body is a temple and I’m not taking that shit!

Let’s just face it, guys, it’s over.

We’re never going to find what Kenny was after.

Whoever controls the world and killed our friend is just gonna get away with it.

Not so fast!

We did it! We found Kenny’s hidden information!

You did?

And now we can finally learn the truth!

Whoever Kenny was after, we are gonna take those fuckers down!

The date is November 3rd. It is 2:07 p.m.

Dr. Kenneth McCormick will now be attempting to travel back in time.

In order to stop the COVID pandemic from ever happening.

He did it?

Dr. McCormick believes that going back is the only way to stop the people who have ruined the future.

In the event of Dr. McCormick’s death, he wants everyone to know the group that is responsible for the way things are.

It is, “My three dickhead friends, Stan, Kyle and Cartman.”

What?!

Dr. McCormick says that these three completely ruined everything when they let COVID break up their friendship and became argumentative, combative, pessimistic assholes.

He says he hopes you guys are watching this.

He spent his whole life trying to fix your broship and then realized this was the only way, ’cause you guys suck.

The sequence is active!

The historic moment is here!

Godspeed, Dr. McCormick!

Wait! Dr. McCormick, you forgot your chin diaper!

Something’s wrong!

All this time, the bad guys we were after, who Kenny said ruined the future, was you guys?

Wendy, I’ve been trying not to say anything but… your friends are all kind of douchebags.

Kenny was right.

All this time, we’ve been trying to figure out whose fault this all was.

It was our fault.

I remember when we were kids.

We were so optimistic.

We lost that. We lost our sense of fun.

Our sense of humor.

Maybe the pandemic was a big test.

And we all failed.

Let’s face it, guys.

We killed Kenny.

Yeah. Kenny was right.

Back in the old days, we wouldn’t give up like this.

We would have just set out to save our friend, no matter how impossible it seemed.

What we would have done– and what we should have done then– was double down on our respect and our love for one another and fight through it instead of fighting with each other.

We can save Kenny.

We just have to finish his work.

How? We don’t know anything about quantum physics and time travel.

I don’t know how. But we start by believing.

In each other and in what is yet to come.

We have to go back to being those kids we once were.

Even if it means calling Jesus or Santa.

Come on, guys, we’ve got work to do!

Sounds good. I’ll be right back.

Moisha, Hackelm, kids, get your things.

We need to go now.

What’s going on, Dad?

Your Uncle Kyle wants to go back and change things.

He’s going to try and change the past.

But I like things the way they are.

Me too, Dad. Do you think he’ll be able to do it?

No, kids.

Fuck Uncle Kyle.

Yay!

Yay, Daddy!

Fuck Uncle Kyle!

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

People were supposed to get kinder in the future.

I’m so sorry what happened to both of you.

It wasn’t your fault, Randy.

It was all Stan’s fault.

Yes, it was all Stan’s fault.

Thanks for saying that, you guys.

I’m sorry Stan sucks so hard sometimes.

Don’t give up, Randy.

Humanity needs you.

No!

I can’t do it alone!

How can things possibly go back to the way they were?

It can’t be.

It’s impossible.

It’s the last little sprout of Tegridy.

I have to get you somewhere safe.

We have a lot of work to do.

We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce.

You’re quite a popular man, Victor.

I wonder what all the fuss is about.

Don’t feel like talking, huh?

You will.

♪ We are all, you and me ♪

♪ We are all living in the future ♪

♪ We can’t get stuff ’cause boats are late ♪

♪ And nobody’s working in the future ♪

♪ They don’t sell tostadas anymore at Taco Bell ♪

♪ Welcome to the future ♪

♪ In the future ♪

♪ We are living in the future ♪

♪ It’s the future ♪

♪ We’re living in the future. ♪

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The Bad Guys (2022)

The Bad Guys (2022) | Transcript

When the infamous Bad Guys are finally caught after years of countless heists and being the world’s most-wanted villains, Mr. Wolf brokers a deal to save them all from prison.