Tom Segura: Disgraceful (2018) – Transcript

Tom Segura gives voice to the sordid thoughts you'd never say out loud, with blunt musings on porn, parking lot power struggles, parenthood and more.

Transcript of Tom Segura’s new Netflix Special Ball Hog (2020) now available here [Internal link]

Filmed at the Paramount Theatre in Denver

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… [audience whistling] Tom Segura!

[audience cheering and clapping]

[inaudible dialogue]

Whoa! What’s up? Holy shit. Thank you, Denver. That was amazing. [audience whooping] Thank you so much. I wish I was home right now. -Um… -[audience laughs] No offense. Not personal. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. I’m like, “Well, I wish I was home right now.” -Uh… [audience laughs] I think it’s your thought too. I think you’re like, “I hope this is good,” but also, “Wrap this shit up so I can go home.” [audience laughs] I actually think that’s the meaning of life. Like, people are always philosophizing, “What is the meaning of life?” I’ll tell you the meaning of life. The meaning of life is, “Fuck this place. Let’s go home.” Now…

[audience laughing and whistling]

Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away from never leaving our homes again. -[audience laughs] -And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. There… There are a lot of indicators if you’re paying attention. Like, number one, do you ever really process that you don’t have to leave your home to buy anything? You’re like, “Yeah, I order some things online.” No, no, no. You can sit on your couch, pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, “I want bananas. And I want hammers. And… [audience laughs] -I want an eagle’s beak.” -And then… -[audience laughs] Amazon’s like, [blows raspberry] “It’s on your fuckin’ doorstep.” How about that? [audience laughs] Isn’t that insane to you? You don’t have to leave your home to see people. You should. You don’t have to. Just hold up the same device and be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] “Bye.” And you saw everyone.

But the number-one indicator that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you. -Now… -[audience laughs] if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t been watching TV. There are endless commercials that air, where basically, a guy comes out and he’s like, “Doesn’t it suck to sit up?” [audience laughs] Something like that. And I guess the people are like, “It does suck!” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, get this fuckin’ bed. [audience laughs] You don’t have to sit up no more.” [audience laughs] They try to advertise that it’s for snoring. It’s because you’re a piece of shit. That’s why you got that bed. [audience laughs] All you’ve done is lay down. You’ve been sleeping for hours, and your first thought when you wake up is, “I don’t even want to sit up. I want to go from here to…” -Mm… -[audience laughs] Well, wakey-wakey, little turd. How are you gonna change the world? That means in two years, we’re gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us, and we’ll just go, “Food.” And then a mechanical arm will come out. [audience laughs] And then you’ll go, “Shit.” And the bed will open. [audience laughs] And you’ll go, bah! And you’ll shit through the bed. [audience laughs] And then you’ll be like, “I’m tired. [audience laughs] I wanna rest. Oh, yeah.” -Mm… -[audience laughs] And we’ll all be 800 pounds. -I can’t fuckin’ wait.

Now… -[audience laughs] Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently. I was on… [audience cheering] That’s right. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth. -[audience laughs] -And… Yes. You may have seen him. His name is Brent Crystals. And…. [audience laughs] I beat him in this contest because I’m a better person, -but that’s not what I want to talk about. -[audience laughs] I lost about 50 pounds, and you know… Yeah. Maybe… Maybe you’re out there right now and you’re thinking, like, “Hey, man. If you can do that, I can do that.” Probably not. [audience laughs] I mean, look what I’m doing right now. Can you do this? I don’t fuckin’ think so. [audience laughs] I’m just an awesome guy. But… [audience cheering and clapping] You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get… I get so many messages. People are like, “You inspired me.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t mean to.” [audience laughs] People ask me like, “Will you coach me into weight loss?” -And I’m like, “Absolutely not.” -[audience laughs] One guy hit me up like 50 times. “Give me a message to get this kick-started.” “I’ll give you a message. When you look in the mirror, do you say, ‘I fuckin’ hate you’? Then you’re not ready. [audience laughs] Cry more and eat less.” Send. -That’s my message. -[audience laughs] Hey, you asked me.

Now… I’ll tell you, on a grand scale, who’s helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks. And this is true. They have a national training campaign to try to trick you into ordering food. And this is why. They know you’re going to order a beverage. So, they try to lead you into food. Pull into any Starbucks drive-through. And now they greet you, they say, “Welcome to Starbucks. What can we get started for you to eat today?” -And you’re like, “Wait, what? -[audience laughs] I just wanted coffee.” And they’re like, “No shit. [audience laughs] What else do you want?” [audience laughs] You’re like, “I don’t know, sausage? I mean, what do you have?”

[audience laughs]

I don’t respect that. I like my shame straight-up and honest. And nobody does that better than the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out. And if you’ve never been… [audience cheering] If you’ve never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin’ life together and go. And I want you to go simply so you can experience the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food. ‘Cause you pull up and you go, “I’ll have a double-double, fries and a Coke.” And they go, “Will you be eating in the car?” [audience laughs] “Yeah, I think so.” [audience laughs] And they go, “I bet you will, you fat, fuckin’ pile of garbage.” Doesn’t that question sting? You’re like, “Am I living in my car? Why am I eating in my car?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they’re like, “Leave with dignity.” But if you say yes, it’s an open tray, and they go, “Eat out of that, pig.” [audience laughs] And then it falls in your lap and they go, “Pick it up!” [audience laughs] And you’re like, [mumbling] “Hot dog, french fries.” “Are you gonna jerk off when you get home ’cause you’re lonely?” And you’re like, “Yes, yes.” “We’re gonna give you a free milkshake because you’re bummin’ everybody out. We’re fast food workers. You’re making us sad. Get the fuck out of here.”

[audience laughs]

You can’t say “retarded” anymore. [audience laughs] It was just here. Don’t you remember? -“Retarded.” That’s how I… -[audience laughs] People get very upset. I don’t really support the arguments against it. When people are like, “You shouldn’t say it.” “Why?” “What if there’s one over there?” And you’re like… [audience laughs] We never said it like that. We were never like, “Look at that guy!” [audience laughs] You didn’t say it like that. You said it to describe an idea, or a situation, you know? If your friend was like, “I’ll pick you up at your house, and then we’ll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house. And we can get your bags. And then, we’ll come back over here after that.” And your like, “That’s retarded. Why the fuck would we do that?” [audience laughs] But now you can’t say that. Now you’ve gotta be like, “That’s not… smart. Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me.” [audience laughs] It’s not the same.

You can’t say, “That’s gay.” Damn. [audience laughs] I used to abuse that expression, I’m not gonna lie. And never for anything remotely sexual. I just would say it all the time. If you were like, “I’ll have a water, no ice.” I’d be like, “That’s gay.” You know? [audience laughs] “Why do you have so many balloons? That’s gay.” Shit like that. [audience laughs] Can’t say it anymore. Now, to be clear, you can say “that’s gay.” But it has to be for something overtly gay. Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line, each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them. And they’re marching and going, “I want the come. Give me the come. I want the come.” -And then you can go, “That’s gay.” -[audience laughs] And even then they’re like, “Take it easy.” And you’re like, “All right, jeez.”

[audience laughs]

You can’t say “midget.” Goddamn it. [audience laughs] I never thought we’d lose that one. [audience laughs] You can’t say it. People get very upset. I never said it to be cruel. And let’s be honest. It was perfectly acceptable for years. The best part about the word midget, before it became offensive, is that it’s specific. You know what someone’s talking about. That’s what was great about it. You could be like, “I was at the zoo today and I saw a midget.” And you’d be like, “Did they feed him to the lions? What happened next?” [audience laughs] But now, I can’t say that. Now, I gotta be like, “I saw a little person.” -And you’re like, “Was it a child, or…” -[audience laughs] Like, “No. Under 4’11” with the hands.” “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] Now you know what I’m saying. So… You might be sitting in your seat now, going, “Tom, what can we still say?

[audience laughs]

What can we say?” I’ll tell you what you can say. White racial slurs. [audience laughs] All of ’em. Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky. Have fun. [audience laughs] Say ’em all you want. And if you’re not white, and you’re going, “Wait, are you saying I can say those?” -That’s exactly what I’m saying. -[audience laughs] Nobody cares. Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, “Hey, you fuckin’ guinea.” [audience laughs] And he’ll go, [laughs] “I don’t care. [audience laughs] I don’t give a shit.” It’s not a historically disenfranchised group.

The best slur of all, for me, I think, is honky. And I’ll tell you why. The word honky is hilarious… in and of itself. But for some reason, truly racist white people have latched onto that word. It’s like this great indicator to know if someone’s racist. If they act like that word is offensive, run, okay? [audience laughs] You don’t believe me, watch the news. Next time there’s some racial fight in the news, they’ll find some hillbilly. “What happened?” He’ll be like, “Well, he called me a honky.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “Did you pass out from laughing hysterically, or what happened next?” He’s like, “No, I stabbed him.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. That’s fuckin’ crazy.” I’ll pay you to call me a honky. I don’t care. It’s a great word.

I saw a racial fight recently, which is terrible, but I watched it. [audience laughs] How are you not gonna watch? You’re gonna watch every fight, you know? Fights have that weird quality. Fights are kinda like hand jobs, in that you don’t really want one, but you’re like, “We’ll see where it goes.” You know? [audience laughs] “Will you give it a kiss? No? All right.” So, you know. [audience laughs] Had to take a shot. So… I’m in Philadelphia, walking through the park in the middle of the day. Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park. I’m walking through this park. And as I’m walking through it, I see a white guy. And he yells across the park to a black guy, he calls him a n… [mumbles] -And… -[audience laughs] When you hear that and you’re in public, you’re like, “Oh, my God. [audience laughs] I’m gonna die.” That’s your first thought. And then, another black guy, I don’t know if he lived in the bushes, but… [audience laughs] He popped out of the bushes, like… [audience laughs] if this is a bush right here, I just saw a black guy go, “Mm-mm. No. [audience laughs] Not in my park. Uh-uh” But it’s like, no one else saw that guy. Only I was like, “Oh, my God! I see that guy!” Like that. [audience laughs] It became my own personal movie. I watched him line up like the honey badger. He was like, “That one? All right.” He fuckin’ sprinted across the park. And he tackled the white guy. So instinctively, I just went, “Get him!” [audience laughs] But it took me a second to realize, I’m the only other white guy in the park. [audience laughs] Yeah, so like, ten black people turned and I went, “No! [audience laughs] Him, him! Our him!” [audience laughs] And they were like, “What?” And I was like, “I’m out, that’s what.” [audience laughs] And then they killed that white guy.

[audience laughs]

And for the record, I don’t give a fuck if they did. You know why? There is no such thing as white-guy loyalty. Okay? [audience laughs] I mean, there is, but those guys are obvious as they hold torches. -But the rest of us… -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] The rest of us are not having that shit.

Let me tell you something, man. I’m jealous of inner-racial loyalty. ‘Cause I see it. If you’re white, you see it with other races. Asians, black people for sure. What I’m talking about… There could be a dangerous situation. Let’s say it’s a fight, and there’s a black guy in that fight. And then another black guy, that doesn’t know him, will go, “I’m gonna involve myself. [audience laughs] Just on account of us being of the same race. At our core, we are brothers.” I see that, I’m like, “Wow.” ‘Cause when you’re white and you’re in that situation, you’re like, -“Fuck that guy. I don’t know that guy. -[audience laughs] Do whatever you want to him. I don’t give a shit.” Let you do something like that guy in the park, and then look at me like, “Are you gonna help out?” You should know something. You’re about to get murdered. Okay? [audience laughs] I will fuckin’ take pictures as you’re beaten, and upload them, #honky #deadhonky. Fuck you, cracker. I’m out of here.

Now… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] I’ll tell you, it is fantastic to be in the people’s republic of Denver. It is a great city and, uh… [audience cheering] Absolutely love it here. I think you’ve probably already taken it for granted, your lax weed laws. And you forget. You forget the struggle that we all went through at one time. [audience laughs] We’re all traumatized by it. I hope you acknowledge that. We our traumatized by our upbringing, okay? If you’re over four years old, you are traumatized by this nation’s laws. And this is what I mean. I bought weed last week. The same dude I buy it from all the time. It was a public place. The first thing I said to him when he gave it to me? I go, “I’m gonna go put it in my car.” And he goes, “Why?” [audience laughs] And I just, instinctively, I go, “Cause weed.” And he goes, “Tape it to your fuckin’ forehead. Who gives a shit?” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

[audience laughs]

But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed. And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal, and so crazy for so many years, but also, highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all. [audience laughs] There’s a zero percent chance they will understand what we’re talking about. It’d be like trying to tell a kid now, like, “Hey, you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people.” They’d be like, “What the fuck are you saying right now?” It would be the same thing. I’ll sit my son down one day and be like, “You know when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died.” [audience laughs] And he’ll be like, “Why? Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?” [audience laughs] “They didn’t sell it at 7-Eleven. Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.” [audience laughs] “Where are we going?” “Chill out.” “All right.” [audience laughs] The three-hour round trips to buy weed. “What kind of weight were you moving?” Twenty dollars’ worth of marijuana. [audience laughs] That kind of major shit.

[audience laughs]

I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time. Not a trailer park. A solo trailer. The most terrifying housing situation that exists. Where other trailer people are like, “Get the fuck out of here.” Kick ’em out. [audience laughs] I just walked up to that shit, 15. This dude’s like, “You trying to get a sack?” -I was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah.” -[audience laughs] “We could go do that.” I was like, “All right. Cool.” And he goes, “We just need to go get it.” I was like, “You don’t fuckin’ have it? [audience laughs] Isn’t that your sole responsibility?” I tried to play cool, “Let’s go get it.” He goes, “I’ll go get it. You stay here and watch my place.” And I was like… [audience laughs] “Okay.” [audience laughs] Then he goes, “There’s a .357 and a shotgun on my bed. Anybody comes in here, blast ’em.” [audience laughs] Inside? Paralysis. [audience laughs] But what I said was, “That’s what’s up.” -Like, yeah, man. Pow. -[audience laughs] [imitates explosion] [audience clapping] Then he stopped at the door. “But don’t shoot my mom.” I go, “Can we get a description before we agree to terms? [audience laughs] How about a height and weight on old mom?”

[audience laughs]

Not everybody agrees on weed. That’s fine, I don’t care. Like my parents, we don’t agree… They are not cool with weed. I don’t care. They’re old. I still love them. [audience laughs] My dad’s a Vietnam vet, you know. Some of them are cool… [audience whooping] -[man] Yeah! -…with weed. Some of them are not. Some don’t want to talk about Vietnam. -My dad does. -[audience laughs] Some are like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And my dad’s like, “What do you want to know?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I wanted to know as a kid. It’s terrible to ask a stranger this, but this was my own father. And I’d seen a lot of movies. So, I’m like, “You were in the war. Did you kill anybody?” The first time I asked him, he goes, “No, I didn’t.” I go, “All right. Okay.” A few years later, I asked him again. “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “I was a lieutenant. I was in charge of people. It didn’t work like that.” I said, “Okay.”  A few years later, I asked again, “You ever kill anybody?” And he goes, “I threw grenades into bunkers.” [audience laughs] I go, “Were there people in there?” He goes, “There were, yeah. [audience laughs] Just little pieces by the time I got in there.” [audience laughs] Then last year, I go, “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy.”

[audience laughs]

Whoa. I can remember the first time we ever talked about weed. Because it was Christmas Day. That’s why it stood out. I was 12 years old. I think my sister brought it up. She was like, “I want to smoke weed.” And my dad goes, “You want to know what I think of marijuana?” And I was genuinely curious. I go, “What, Dad?” He goes, “I was at a party one time. And somebody pulled out a marijuana cigarette. And I said, ‘I’m out of here.'” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Cool story, nerd. You got any other ones?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, yeah. One time, I was in Vietnam, and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana. So, I found him, and I picked him up by his throat, and I threw him on the ground, and I put my M16 in his face. And I said, ‘If you ever come here again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.'” And I go, “Do you have any stories in between those two stories?” [audience laughs] Jesus. It’s Christmas, bro. Goddamn.

[audience laughs]

Two years after that, there was a woodpecker fuckin’ up our house. [audience laughs] This will all make sense. And… [audience laughs] Woodpeckers can really damage your house. I remember my dad paid a guy $500 to patch up that part of the house. A month later, the woodpecker returned. This time, my dad did not call the guy. He woke me up, his teenage son, on a Saturday morning. Picture you’re dead asleep. And my dad, whispering in your ear, with his potent dad breath. [audience laughs] He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep, “I need you to shoot a bird.” [audience laughs] I just go, “I don’t do that.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Figure it out.” [audience laughs] So, I said, “Okay, Lieutenant.” And I got an air rifle. I shot the woodpecker. I remember, I shot it mid-peck, so it was going… [imitates woodpecker] [audience laughs] Landed in front of me. So much bigger up close. Really big. Red feathers, distinct features. I was blown away. I bagged it up, I threw it away.

I went over to my girlfriend’s house, I started telling her family about it over lunch. I should mention, at the time, my girlfriend’s family ran a wildlife conservation center. So… [audience laughs] I didn’t know my audience. But… I heard a few forks drop, and I look up. And her dad goes, “Oh, my God. You killed a long-billed woodpecker. That’s an endangered species.” [audience murmurs] And I go, “Oh.” [audience laughs] I said, “My dad made me do it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “How does that make you feel, knowing that you did that?” And I said, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy. -It was fuckin’ awesome. -[audience laughs] I loved it. [audience cheering and clapping] Those birds are extinct now. I did that shit. I don’t give a fuck. I’m crazy.”

So… [audience laughs] Oh, man. Don’t you hate everyone? -Um… -[audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about you guys. But, uh… [audience laughs] No, I’ve been on this tour for a long time. Too long. And I meet people sometimes after shows, you know. I meet people, and it’s always a roll of the dice. I’ve been meeting lunatics. I mean, I meet people. I met a guy after a show recently. I’m shaking people’s hands, saying hi. Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh… [mumbles] And I go, “What?” [audience laughs] And he goes… [mumbles] I said, “Where am I from originally?” And he goes… [mumbles] [audience laughs] I said, “I was born in Cincinnati, but I moved around a lot. [man] Yeah! And he goes, “Huh.” [mumbling] And I go, “Are you a person that’s talking to me right now?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then I decipher that what he’s saying is, [in Southern accent] “I’m from Lafayette, Louisiana, about 20 miles south of there. There’s a bunch of Seguras down there. I thought maybe you’re from there too.” And I go, “Oh. Fuckin’ no.” [audience laughs] [mumbling] And then I realized, we have this whole population of Cajun people living amongst us, like they’re one of us. [audience laughs] And they’re not. Why do they have rights? [audience laughs] This guy had the audacity to ask me, he goes… [mumbling] [audience laughs] I said, “Did you just ask me if there’s a Redbox around here?” [audience laughs] [mumbles] I go, “I don’t fuckin’ work here.” [audience laughs] Like, I thought he was moments away from being like, “I do declare. I am a cartoon character and I’ve come to life.”

Here’s all I’m saying. I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you. [audience laughs] What are we gonna miss out on? [in Southern accent] “Where you gonna get your shrimp?” -Oh. -[audience laughs] What a contribution. [audience laughs] [in Southern accent] “No more gator, no more shrimp.” [audience laughs] Fuckin’ inbreds. So… [audience laughs] Cracker-ass inbreds, [laughs] we don’t need you. [audience laughs] Fuckin’ tell ’em. They’ll see this shit. Fuck you, cracker. So…

[audience laughs]

Probably checked in to 400 hotels this year. And when I tell you that this has happened to me more than half a dozen times, I am not exaggerating. Every hotel check-in begins, usually, the same. It’s standard. Hotels, you know, the people at the desk, they go, “Last name?” And this just happened to me. “Last name?” And I go, “Segura.” And the guy goes, “Whoa. Are you Japanese?” [audience laughs] And I go, “Hundred percent, yeah.” [audience laughs] He goes, “We don’t get a lot of Japanese people here. That’s pretty cool.” [audience laughs] So, I have to stop him, and go, “Hey, man. I’m not Japanese.” And he goes, [in gruff voice] “Segura. [audience laughs] Segura! Sounds Japanese.” I go, “That’s ’cause you’re saying it Japanese. [audience laughs] I could be Smith, and if you want to go [in gruff voice]  ‘Smith…’ -[audience laughs] -then it’s Japanese.” And he goes, “Well, what are you?” Which is fuckin’ rude. [audience laughs] Can I just say, it’s never important to ask that question. “What are you?” It’s never important to ask that. It’s sometimes important, but… -[audience laughs] -not a lot. When is it important? Sushi chef, accountant, 100-meter dash. -Outside of that…

[audience laughs]

Sometimes it matters, so… I tell ’em. I go, “Segura is Spanish.” And he goes, “That’s weird. You look white.” [audience laughs] And I go, “I am white.” And he goes, “But you’re Spanish?” And I go, “Correct.” He goes, “Do you speak Spanish?” I said, “Yes.” And he goes, “So, you’re Mexican.” [audience laughs] And I go, “No.” And he goes, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughs] I said, “What’s going on is you failed fuckin’ social studies. [audience laughs] And you’re not too good at geography either.” And then I see his head drop like he feels bad. “Look, man. You understand there’s white people in Mexico, you know that.” -And he goes, “No, I don’t.” -[audience laughs] I said, “There’s white people there, black people there, even Asian people there. And if you really want to shit your pants, those Asian people, -they speak Spanish too. -[audience laughs] You don’t expect it, but they’re like, ‘Dim sum…’ [speaking in Spanish] -They are… -[audience cheering] Asian, and they speak Spanish.” [imitates explosion]

Now, as you can tell, I speak beautiful, perfect Spanish. And… It is to no credit of my own. My mother is Peruvian, and her English wasn’t good. So, she spoke to us in Spanish. And that’s how I picked up on Spanish. I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, “Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.” And I’m like, “I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why is this…?” They’re like, “It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.” So, I get that reaction, or I get people who are like, “You speak Spanish? Yeah, I speak Spanish too.” I’m like, “No, you don’t.” They’re like, “No, I took four years in high school.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I played football for four years in high school, and the Broncos aren’t giving me a look this week. -So, no, you don’t.” -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] Your Spanish sucks. With a capital “M” for mierda.

Now… [audience laughs] I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household, which means I listened to a lot of Spanish music. I only point that out… I think it’s important to point out, when you listen to Spanish music, it influences who you become, like all music would. For me, I used to listen to this singer named Juan Luis Guerra, a Dominican singer. And he would sing, just a lot of love songs. Songs with titles like “Si Tu Te Vas.” Which means, “If you were to leave me.” And the lyrics go: [speaking in Spanish] Which means, “If you leave me, my heart would die.” I’m ten years old and I’m like, “Oh, shit. [audience laughs] I don’t want that to happen.” So, I would balance it out. I would listen to a lot of Todd Shaw. And you might know him by his stage name Too Short. And he would sing songs… [audience laughs] like “Blow Job Betty.” And… [audience whooping] I would go back and forth between these two great songwriters, you know?

[singing in Spanish] ♪ I bust a left nut, right nut In her jaw ♪ ♪ Sperm on her cheeks Is all ya saw ♪ And that’s how I go through life today. [audience cheering and clapping] Today, I’m basically like, “Hola…” [grunting] [audience laughs] Sorry, Mom. Now…

[audience laughs]

By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? I did it… [audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, “Why does this feel so good?” I think it’s a taste of power. Like most of us, we have no power in our everyday lives. But if you’re alone in an elevator, -you are lord of the elevator shaft. -[audience laughs] You get to decide, like a king with his drawbridge. There’s “Hold Open,” and “Close.” And you can watch people walk up and be like, “Mm-mm.” -And you hit that. -[audience laughs] And then you see it close, and you’re like… [laughs] [audience laughs] Sometimes, a second later it opens, and you’re like, “Fuck!” [audience laughs] You get nervous energy, like you’re a kid. You’re like, “I’m in trouble.” [audience laughs] It’s always some lady who’s like, “You didn’t see me?” “I don’t even know how this thing works. So many buttons. I tried all of them.”

[audience laughs]

I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I think it’s a parking lot. Just hear me out. It doesn’t matter what you drive. If you drive something, that parking space is yours. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. -[audience laughs] Don’t you love that moment? Like, you’re walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday, and you’re done shopping, and see you people like, “Ah… [audience laughs] Where will I park?” [audience laughs] And then they see me. “Hey, are you…?” -I’ll be like, “I don’t know. -[audience laughs] Maybe.”
I like to give them false hope. Do you ever do that? They’re waiting for the brake light. First, they have their blinker on, like that’s an official… “My blinker’s… That shit is mine.” “Okay. Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?” [audience laughs] But they want your brake lights to appear, ’cause that means you’re starting the car. So I’ll just hit my brake. And release it. [audience laughs] And you feel the tension rising. You’re like, “This is exciting.” [audience laughs] And then they snap, and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing?!” [audience laughs] And that’s when I go, “I’m eating In-N-Out. I’m… [audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I’m gonna have this burger now. It’s probably gonna take an hour, I don’t know.” Then, as soon as they drive by, “No, I’ll eat it later. I’m gonna take off.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. I’m very philosophical, you guys. I feel like life is about timing, you know? Timing. When to pull out, when to… -[audience laughs] -stop wiping. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? And I think the answer is never. Thankfully, one of my friends doesn’t think this way. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? Now… Yeah, I know. They’re tough. So… [audience laughs] He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. -And then… -[audience laughs] he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. Now, if you’re like me, you might be wondering, “Wait, are you friends with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?” No, it’s a grown man. So… picture me in the tunnel of the stadium, -like, “Hi, guys. – [audience laughs] Keep your head up.” [audience laughs] “Can I have an autograph?” And he said they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “Fuck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] [Segura laughs] Oh, my God.

And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. Now, if you don’t follow football and you’re like, “I don’t know who that is,” well, how can I best describe him? Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot. [audience laughs] And then, that happened two more times. What’s up? [audience laughs] I’ll give you a sense of his vibe as, bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. He is not approachable. So… [audience laughs] my honky-ass friend… [laughs] [audience laughs] [man] Whoo! the biggest honky in America… [laughs] [audience laughs] goes, “Pacman! [audience laughs] Will you sign this football?” And he said Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? All right, cool.” [audience laughs] My friend just decides to make it more clear. He’s like… “It’s a football. And you play it. [audience laughs] And I just watched you. Uh… [audience laughs] Will you sign this?” And he said Pac goes, “What the fuck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “I think, ’cause I’m actually shitting myself as it happens.” But now he knows he’s got one shot. Pac walks right up to him, like, “What’d you say?” My friend, he just goes, “Look, man. It’s a football. [audience laughs] It’s for my dad. And my dad loves you.” He said Pacman looked at him and he said, “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him.” [audience laughs] That’s the end of the story, but… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] [Segura laughs] Don’t you love the juxtaposition of angrily being like, “You tell that motherfucker,” but then, “Don’t forget to say thank you.”

[audience laughs]

I’ve been trying to incorporate that into my life. I was at an airport bar, I was getting up, and they called my flight. The bartender goes, “Somebody recognized you. They sent you a drink.” “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it. And he goes, “What the hell did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] I said, “Fuck his mother, I appreciate her. Tell him that.” [audience laughs] Asshole. So… I still haven’t found a place for it, but I’m working on it.

So… I met, um… Like I said, I meet a lot of people. I met a woman after a show recently. They’re allowed at my shows. And… [audience laughs] See? They’re here. And, uh… [audience laughs] She came up to me and she was like… [giggles] [audience laughs] -It’s a very specific woman, all right? -[audience laughs] I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression. Everybody’s like, “I know who you’re talking about right now.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause every city has…. [giggles] [audience laughs] You know my favorite part of that woman? If you go, “Why are you laughing?” She’ll go, “I’m not.” [giggles] [audience laughs] Okay. So, she comes up to me and she goes, “Funny show.” [grunts] And I go, “Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” So, I go… [audience laughs] I go, “Thank you.” “Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?” And I was like, “Ugh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I’m not gonna…” [audience laughs] She goes, “Yeah, I get it.” And I was like, “Good.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “I’m super horny.” And I go, “Okay.” She goes, “I’m horny the way guys are.” And I go, “No, you’re not.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “Yeah… I am.” [audience laughs] And I said, “You’re really not.” And she goes, “Yeah, why do you say that?” And I said, “Let me tell you a little story.

[audience laughs]

When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. I looked 47 years old.” [audience laughs] It was alarming to other students. [audience laughs] They would see me walking through the door, and they’d be like, “Are you a fuckin’ administrator here or something?” I’d be like, “I’m a freshman. I’m 18.” And they’re like, “You’re a narc, that’s what you are.” [audience laughs] This is my birth face, man. I’m 41 Jump Street. So… [audience laughs] With this face, came great responsibility. I bought alcohol for our entire dorm. I don’t mean three or… Everybody. It wasn’t even a challenge. I looked so old, that when I walked into liquor stores, they’d be like, “Hello, sir. How’s the stock market today?” Shit like that. [audience laughs] I bought booze. Everybody got booze.

I did the same thing with pornography. Let me tell you, before you jump at me like, “Why would you do that? You could just watch it in your dorm room online.” Well, the story takes place in 1997, and… [audience laughs] there was a lot of buffering back then. That is the truth. [audience laughs] I don’t know if you remember the late ’90s or were even around, but porn in the late ’90s was like, “Ah. Hm.” [audience laughs] “Ah. Hm.” Who am I kidding? I use my right hand, so, “Ah. Hm.” Now… keep in mind, I’m not buying porn for a couple buddies. It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college. You can’t wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were. [audience laughs] I would go door-to-door, and guys would hand me cash and their wish list. They’d be like, “I want black cocks, asses and feet. Don’t fuck it up.” -I was like, “All right.” -[audience laughs] Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like… [audience laughs] “Mom said not to forget.” [fakes laughter]

[audience laughs]

So, one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn. And the owner of the store comes up to me. “You should go to this other store.” And I’m like, “That is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man.” [audience laughs] So I go, “Why?” And he just goes, “I just think you’ll like it.” And so I go, “Okay.” I go. He sends me to… I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a cement-block building with no sign or address. The kind of building that’s like, “I don’t know. You fuckin’ guess what’s in here.” [audience laughs] Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt. Which, I think we all know, is the international uniform for the last guy you’ll ever see. Now… [audience laughs] this guy… is behind the counter. He looks up and sees me. And the first words out of his mouth are, “Piss fetish?” -And I go, “What? -[audience laughs] No.” And he goes, “Oh, I got a full bladder. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughs] I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.” [audience laughs] I said, “Well, then, show me around. -Let me see what else you have.” You know? -[audience laughs] I don’t want to be closed-minded.

So we go through the store. He shows me movies and toys. He goes, “We got a booth. You can put in a quarter.” And I go, “Yeah, I got it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “But this here’s our VIP. And you’ll notice, there’s a hole in the wall. And if you’re standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole. And they’ll go just… like… this. And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole, and [clicks tongue] someone will suck it on the other side. [audience laughs] And my dumb ass goes, “Is it a guy or a girl?” [audience laughs] He goes, “You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?” [audience laughs] So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me. And fear shooting down my spine. As I was certain I was gonna get kidnapped and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty. So I said… [audience laughs] “I”ll just take my movies. Thanks.”

So lady, when you say you’re horny “the way guys are,” I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are. [audience cheering and clapping] And she goes, “Yeah. I’m not that horny.” And I go, “I know.”

[audience laughs]

See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are. If you’re a woman here with a man right now, you should know he is two drinks away from walking to that booth. -And honestly… -[audience laughs] I’m no better. If he had answered my question differently… “Is that a guy or a girl?” He went, “I don’t know.” I’d be like, “I don’t fuckin’ know either, so…” [audience laughs] “She’s got a rough chin on her, for sure. Where’d you go, man? I don’t see you anywhere.” All right. I lost some of you on that one. That’s how that goes. -So… -[audience laughs] I see.

Some women are like, “Mm-mm. [audience laughs] My man would never do that.” Okay. Sure. [audience laughs] You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited “pig-tential.” [audience laughs] Just needs a little nudge from you, coach. How about that? [audience laughs] Doesn’t go both ways. Isn’t that fascinating? If you’re a guy, you can’t be like, “I want you to eat it from behind.” She’ll be like, “The fuck did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] But a woman can go, “I want you to eat it from behind.” And we’re like… [mumbles] -[audience laughs] “I’m gonna take some home in a doggie bag.” [barking]

[audience laughs]

[audience whistling]

I’m getting older. I know. We all are. But I am. I feel like I’m getting old. And I know you guys are looking up, you’re like, “What? You’re perfect.” But that’s on the outside, you know? [audience laughs] You know what the biggest kick in the balls is? Is when your vision starts to decline. Especially if you’ve had perfect vision. I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve had excellent vision. I’ve had vision that’s off the charts. Like, if I’m hanging out with friends, and there’s a sign ten blocks away, I can see it. “How do you see that?” “Jesus loves me. I see it. I can see it right now.” [audience laughs] And now I have, like, the squint of death. Or I look at shit like that. People are like, “You all right?” “Yeah. I’m just looking at shit. Don’t you ever look at shit?”

[audience laughs]

And it’s tough to accept. I’ve been in denial. You know where you can’t be in denial anymore? The DMV. I went to renew my license. And when you go, you sign and you pay. Very casually, the lady goes, “Can you read line three?” And I was still arrogant about it. I was like, “Pfft. Check this shit out. [audience laughs] A, X, G, L, seven.” She goes, “Seven?” [audience laughs] I go, “What the fuck is that? [audience laughs] I don’t think I’ve ever seen that symbol before in my entire life.” And she goes, “That’s a T.” So, I went… [chuckles] [audience laughs] “Pretty close.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Yeah, you’re right. That’s pretty close.” [audience laughs] It’s the Los Angeles DMV, so… I leave.

I’m in a panic. I go straight to my doctor. I go to the same abusive asshole doctor I’ve been seeing for over a decade. [audience cheering and clapping] I walk into his office. I go, “Dude, test my vision.” And he goes, “You should get a prostate exam.” [audience laughs] I’m like, “For my eyes?” And he goes, “You should do it.” “I’m not even 40.” He goes, “Try it.” -I’m like, “Try it? -[audience laughs] Like a sorbet? Just see if I’m into this flavor?” And he was like, “Yeah.” And I go, “All right, you’re my doctor. So, okay.” So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. He lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, “That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,” like that. [audience laughs] It’s moderately funny. But if someone’s finger is going in your ass, as they say that, you’re laughing. I promise you, you’re laughing. [audience laughs] Just out of appreciation, you know. You’re like, “You said cock.” [laughs]

[audience laughs]

That’s crazy. And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. He goes, “You feel all right.” I go, “Okay.” Then he goes, “Hey, if you want a second opinion, -I could put another finger in there.” -[audience laughs] So, I go… [laughs] “Get it out.” [audience laughs] He goes, “Well, stop laughing. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. I can’t get my finger out until you stop laughing.” And I go, “Get it the fuck out. Now.” [audience laughs] Then I sit up. I go, “Did you just give me a prostate exam so you could run those two lame-ass jokes by me?” [audience laughs] -And he goes, “Yes, I did.” -[audience laughs] And I said, “It was really funny, actually.”

[audience laughs]

Then he tested my vision. He washed his hands, he tested my vision. [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re right. You have latent farsightedness.” I go, “What does that mean?” This is his quote. “Your vision’s always sucked. You just didn’t know it.” [audience laughs] I go, “Do you care to explain more?” He goes, “Think of it like this. Your eyes have been fighting to make you think you can see well. And now they’re tired. [audience laughs] That’s why you’re here.” I go, “Dude, that’s like me saying, ‘I’m young, uh, and my skin got tired. Now I’m old.'” [audience laughs] He goes, “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” I go, “No, it isn’t. [audience laughs] I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know. [audience laughs] I used to have hair, but they got tired, then they fell out.” And he goes, “Now, you’re getting it.” I’m like, “Dude. [audience laughs] How do you get paid to do this?”

And I get why you laugh at my physical flaws. Physical flaws are funny. They just are. Disabilities are not. But some are. [audience laughs] Most aren’t. We know those ones, you know? Like, if there’s a 10K or a quilt. That’s pretty bad, but… [audience laughs] The rest are up for debate. [audience laughs] If you’re sitting here and you’re like, “Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?” Well, luckily for you, I have three examples.

First… foreign accent syndrome. Some of you know about it, some of you don’t. It’s real. You can look it up on your way out of here. Some people experience head trauma. Not funny. But they wake up speaking their native language with a foreign accent. Very funny. [audience laughs] I defy you to watch interviews with these people and not piss yourself laughing. [audience laughs] Do you understand? Like, a farmer in Alabama who’s normally like… [mumbling] -That guy… -[audience laughs] hits his head and is now like, “Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh… It fell.” That’s not funny to you, you piece of shit? Really?

[audience laughs]

The best case ever of foreign accent syndrome happened in the UK. Not only was it a British woman who lived her entire life in the UK, she’d never left the town she was born in for 33 years. She was in an accident, and she woke up speaking English, but with a Chinese foreign accent. [audience laughs] Did you hear what I just fuckin’ said? [audience laughs] Do you now believe in God and his awesome sense of humor? [audience laughs] A British lady, who, her whole life, was like, [in British accent] “Hello. It’s a bit of a whiffle, isn’t it? – Like that. – [audience laughs] Now says, [in Chinese accent] “I have not had my conversation, -and it’s over three year now.” – [audience laughs] First, do you know how hard it is to do that impression without squinting? Secondly… [audience laughs] if you’re getting uncomfortable, like, “Whoa. He’s mocking an Asian accent?” No. She’s white. This is fine. -A white… -[audience laughs] British lady just happens to say, [in Chinese accent] “Would you like… a cup of tea? [audience laughs] Taste good? [audience laughs] You want milk? You want biscuit? Oh, good. You want me suck the dick now?” -I don’t know, whatever. -[audience laughs] She’s a nice British lady. She can say whatever she wants. If you’re sitting in your seat right now and you’re like… [grunting] “I don’t think it’s funny.” Well, don’t get your tits in a tussle. I got two more for you. So…

[audience laughs]

[audience cheering and clapping]

What about persistent genital arousal disorder? [audience laughs] That is a fancy way of saying, “Never not coming.” These are people that have orgasms every 90 seconds. And they can’t have jobs. Why can’t they have jobs, Tom? ‘Cause they’re coming all the time. [audience laughs] It’s not appropriate for you to be like, “Can I try on this shirt?” And the guy’s like… [grunts] [audience laughs] “Fuck your shirt. I’m gonna wear my old shit. I’m not wearing your fuckin’ shirt.” Can you imagine? You’re like, “We’re out of orange juice.” Or… -[audience laughs] -Oh. “Just bring water, that’s too much sugar. I don’t want any more of that.” Some people suffer from both of those afflictions. It’s rare, but it happens. Can you imagine that? You walk up to somebody like, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad passing away.” And he’s like… [audience laughs] “That feels good.” [audience laughs] I made that one up. That’s not true, but… [audience laughs] That was cheap, but that was fun.

Now… If you’re still not on board with this, how about an old reliable one? You know, how about Tourette’s syndrome. Yeah. Maybe you’ve heard of that. If you haven’t, let me tell you. When I was in fifth grade, my parents sent me to a new school on a Wednesday. I’ll never forget. It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, “In the name of the Father, and the Son…” And the kid in the row in front of me goes, “Fuck your cunt.” [audience laughs] And I’m like, “Oh. Uh-uh.” Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, “Holy Spirit.” -Starts reading from the Bible. -[audience laughs] -This kid goes, “Lick my balls! -[audience laughs] Fuck you!” I am laughing so goddamn hard. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I’m having a stroke. I’m ten. I’m like… [mumbling] I have tears running down my face. And finally I am able to get out, “How come nobody else… [audience laughs] is laughing?” [audience laughs] And the kid next to me goes, “He’s got Tourette’s. It gets old.”

[audience laughs]

Three years I was at that school. That shit never got old. That was… [audience laughs] the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon me. And I’ll tell you this. The greatest day of my life, up until the day my son was born, was the day we had a substitute teacher that year, and they didn’t warn her about him. [audience laughs] Your imagination is serving you correctly. [audience laughs] It was glorious. I watched a ten-year-old boy break a grown woman’s spirit. [audience laughs] These poor substitutes don’t know what’s going on in your class. She walked in… Somehow, they didn’t tell her. And she’s like, “Read chapter three.” And his ticks would build. Meaning, they would start small. So he would be sitting in class, like… [mumbles] [audience laughs] [mumbling] So she goes, “What’s going on?” And we’re like… [gasps] “She doesn’t know.” [audience laughs] And he would do this every day. He would take markers and paint his own shirt. Every day he did it, but she doesn’t know about it. She sees it. “What are you doing?” “What do you think, bitch?” -[grunts] -[audience laughs] Then he starts painting his face with the marker. And she goes, “Stop that.” And he goes, “Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.” And she’s like, “What’s happening? What’s happening?” And we go, “That’s Kevin. Why are you crying so much right now?” [audience laughs] She killed herself. She’s dead. So… [audience laughs] She’s out of teaching, but she’s fine.

So… I know. Some of you guys are like, “Jesus, he’s a real jerk.” I’m not that bad. I’m not. I’m a new dad. How about that? I, uh… Yeah. [audience cheering and clapping] Yeah. It’s the best. It’s awesome. Guys always hit me up. I don’t know why they trust me. “Should I do it?” And I’m like, “Of course you should do it. It’s the best. It’s awesome. They’re amazing. And also, being a dad is easy, man. Super easy. It’s way easier than being a mom.” [audience laughs] Here’s all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously. Don’t abandon your kid. That’s it. That’s all you gotta do.

[audience laughs]

No, I do believe being a mother is inherently harder, especially at the beginning. And that’s why I don’t like when I hear men complain about it. I have friends that are like, “My kid cries a lot.” And I’m like, “Yeah, ’cause you’re his dad. That’s why he cries a lot. If I saw your face first thing in the morning, I’d bawl my fuckin’ eyes out too, so…” What do you mean, “He cries”? He can’t talk, you dumb-shit. “Ah” means something. Figure it the fuck out. That’s why they make them so cute. Did you know that? [audience laughs] It’s so you don’t strangle them. [audience laughs] My son is so fuckin’ cute. He’s not Asian-baby cute, but he’s right below that, you know? [audience laughs] Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined. I would throw away 20 white babies to have an Asian baby. [audience laughs] But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so… [audience laughs] Five? I don’t know.

Can we please stop, collectively, as a society, stop pushing the myth that having a baby is a selfless act? I hear people say that shit. “It’s the most selfless thing… -[mumbles] -[audience laughs] that you’ll ever do.” No, it’s not. It’s not selfless. It’s selfish. Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall in love with a miniature version of you. [audience laughs] What’s more selfish than that? You’re like, “This is awesome. It looks just fuckin’ like me. [audience laughs] I’ve never loved anything more in my entire life. [audience laughs] My favorite parts of you are the parts that look like me. [audience laughs] Some parts look like you. Those parts are all right, but… [audience laughs] the parts that look like me are amazing. I would do anything for you, mostly because I feel like I’m doing it for myself. [audience laughs] You’re the best, new fresh me.” [kissing] [audience laughs] That’s what you’re doing. You’re populating the world with more of you. You’re saying, “I’m fantastic. [blows raspberry] -Here’s another one of me.”

[audience laughs]

Do we really need that many more of you? Yeah? I mean, do we? I mean, Martin Luther King Jr. had four. I get it. He should’ve had ten. But you? [audience laughs] All excited about, “Crab legs are on sale at Costco on Sunday, y’all.” [audience laughs] I think we’re all good on you. I think maybe you should stop.

Now, I’ll be real with you. If you’re wondering about it, about parenthood, you’re gonna have no more time. It’s okay, ’cause you’ll still have moments. Time and moments are different. What’s time? Time is like, let’s say tomorrow you sleep in till noon, and then you eat food in bed. And then you go, “Fuck today.” And you go back to sleep. [audience laughs] You got a lot of time on your hands. Moments are like, you take a sip of something. “That’s good.” That moment is now over. See? [audience laughs] You live in moments.

Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right. That’s why. Yeah. I love it, man. I clear the bed. The dogs can watch, but nobody else, you know. [audience laughs] I’m at the point now where I taunt myself. Any of you do that? I’ll lay in bed and I’ll be like, “Who’s been a good boy? Oh. [audience laughs] Who’s been good? Who’s been bad?” And then I grab my balls from behind, like, “Who the fuck was that? [audience laughs] Did you…? You brought somebody?” “I didn’t bring anybody.” But… I keep it exciting. I’m telling you the truth! [audience laughs] “Cool shoes, Tom. Where’d you get ’em.” All right, I’ll tell you.

So… [audience laughs] I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon. And did a few shows. Big show like this. A group came up to me afterwards, and they go, “We noticed you have Nikes on. Do you like them?” And I go, “Yes.” [audience laughs] “Do you want to come to Nike headquarters tomorrow?” And I said, “Not really. No. I like your shoes. I don’t want to see your office, man.” And he goes, “Well, you can shop at the employee store.” So, I go, “What’s that?” He said, “It’s a warehouse that has every product imaginable. And you would get 50 percent off.” And I go, “How about I rent a U-Haul and I empty your fuckin’ store tomorrow?”

[audience laughs]

He goes, “Have at it.” I get excited. Next morning he calls me. He goes, “I wanted to tell you, you can come to Nike, but you’re not allowed to shop in our store.” And I go, “Why?” He goes, “We put your name in our system, and it was flagged.” I’m like, “Flagged. By Nike. For not doing sit-ups? What the fuck is that all about?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “No. You’re a person of influence.” And I go, “Excuse me?” He goes, “You’re an entertainer. We call that a person of influence. You’re not allowed to shop in the store.” I go, “That’s fucked up.” “You can try to go through the entertainment division.” “What’s that?” And he goes, “That’s free stuff.” I go, “All right.” So… [audience laughs] I get that number and I call. And this guy answers, “Nike Entertainment.” And I go, “Hey. Tom Segura.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m a person of influence.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m calling about my free shit.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “All right.” And I go, “So, how do you want to do it?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “We’ll regroup, and we’ll get back to you.” And I go, “Okay.” And they never called, so I bought these Adidas for $130. So… [audience cheering and clapping] Fuck you, Nike! [audience laughs] Let’s see if you even survive without my purchases now.

[audience laughs]

You want to know how crazy that company is? I told that story in New York City at a show. And the next day, a Nike executive got my cell phone number, and called me and goes, “I was at your show last night. And I think it’s very rude that you’re telling that story.” And I go, “Pfft. I think it’s rude that you didn’t give me free shit.” [audience laughs] “I think you should stop telling that story.” And I go, “Fuck you. [audience whooping] Get out of here, man.” [audience cheering and clapping] And he goes, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] And I go, “Why don’t you change my diaper?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “What?” I said, “You heard me, bitch.” [audience laughs] And it was at that moment I realized, we have this amazing insult at our fingertips -that we’re just not utilizing enough. -[audience laughs] Why isn’t “Change my diaper” part of the lexicon? It should be the ultimate insult. It should be “Fuck you.” “Why don’t you fuck your mother?” “Why don’t you change my diaper?” Game over. [audience laughs] I’m serious. Rappers should wear them in videos, and be like, “Change my diaper, bitch.” [audience laughs] The president of another country should tell ours… [audience laughs] “Change my diaper, orange man.”

[audience cheering and clapping]

And listen. If you’re a parent, you know exactly why that insult is so appealing. If you’re not, let me key you in on a little secret. There’s a reason your asshole is the only part of your body you can’t physically see. It’s a fuckin’ horror show, okay? [audience laughs] When you have a little one, you have a front-row seat for years. And my son shits with his eyes closed. I don’t know how often you do that. I’m guessing it’s twice a year. Maybe the day you get back from Cancun, and when you tell the lady in the Thai restaurant, “Yeah, I can handle my spice.” [audience laughs] My son, every single shit, he’s like… [grunts] And when he’s done, he makes eye contact, and you’re like,  “Whoa.” And he pushes out the last bit as he stares through you. He’s like… And you’re like, “Ugh. You’re nasty as hell. Gross.” Just once, it would be nice if, as I’m cleaning my son’s shit-filled asshole, if he would look up at me. “Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” And I’d be like, “Yeah. And I appreciate you.”

[audience clapping]

Thanks, Denver. You’re so much fun. Have a great night. Appreciate you very much. Thank you so much.

[audience cheering and clapping]

You’re the best.

[audience cheering and clapping]

Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Love you. Good night.


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