TOM SEGURA: BALL HOG (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

Tom Segura scores laughs with uncomfortably candid stories about mothers, fathers, following your dreams — and other things you'd rather not think about.
Tom Segura: Ball Hog (2020)

[crowd cheering, applauding] [whistling]

[whooping]

How you doing? No shit. Thank you, thank you. How you guys doing? All right. Thank you very much. It’s great to be in Austin, Texas.

Um…

[crowd cheers] Yeah. When I do the road, I leave a wife and two small kids, and, uh, she’s… she’s pretty attached, you know. Um…

[crowd laughing]

She cries when I leave. [laughs] Like…

[crowd laughing]

…all the time. Yeah, she does. I leave, and she’s like… [tearfully] “It’s gonna be hard when you’re gone.” And then I have to do, like, an acting exercise, and I’m like… [tearfully] “It’s gonna be hard for me, too.” You know? It’s not hard. [laughs] It’s fun. I just did it backstage on the phone, like five minutes ago. She’s like… [tearfully] “I’m all alone at the house.” And I was like… [tearfully] “I’m all alone out here.” You know? No, I’m not.

Yeah. She’s great. She’s great. I love her. I love the kids more, but I do love her. Well, it’s a different love, you know? Like, I don’t want to fuck the kids. So there’s a start. “That’s good, Tom.” So… It is beyond your capacity to explain how much you end up loving your kids. It is. And, like, now I’m on that side of it, so I get to be amused by people who don’t have kids who swear that they get it. That’s my favorite. Like, to hang out with a friend who doesn’t have any kids, and he’s like, “Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids. I totally know what you’re feeling because… I love my dog.” And I’m like, “Yeah.” No. I’m not diminishing pet love. Pet love is real.

[woman] Yes!

Absolutely. I’ve had pets my entire life. It’s the best. I’ve rescued animals. I encourage you to do it. I have a dog that I adore. But here is the difference between my love for that dog and my kids. If that dog were to hurt one of my kids, immediately and without question… I would drown that dog, right? And I mean, through yelps like… [yelping] I’d go… [grunts] Like that. And then I would give it to my son. I’d be like, “Remember when that hurt you? I killed it.” He’d be like, “What the fuck… am I supposed to do with this dead dog?” And I’d go, “I don’t know. Maybe learn to stand up for yourself so I don’t have to do shit like that, all right?”

I know. It’s a very divisive joke. It has been… the entire tour. Um… I think it sets up the audience into two camps, you know? People who are like, “Don’t do the yelp.” [yelps] “It makes it real.” Then other people who are like, “Do the yelp. That’s my favorite shit, man.” And… you know who you are. Yeah.

Dude, having kids makes you do crazy shit. I’m not even proud of some of the things I’ve done, all right? Last year was the first time I ever had somebody bully one of my kids. I didn’t respond well. This is what… I took my older son to a park. He was two and a half. The cutest little fucking kid. And he walks into the park, and he walks up to a playground set. And, as he walks up to it, he steps on it, and an older kid… Meaning four. He goes, “You can’t play with that. That’s mine.” And I go, “I’ll kick your chest through your back.” And he goes, “What?” And I go, “I’ll stomp you out right now!” So he’s crying. I’m laughing. Everybody’s gathered around, right? You can’t do that. You can’t do anything to a shitty kid. You can curse a lot around them. Not to them. That’s an important distinction. Around them, and then you fantasize about them repeating it at home and getting in trouble, and that’s very satisfying, all right? But, you know, you gotta put rhythm to it, or they won’t remember, ’cause they’re just dumb fucking kids. So you’ve got to be like,

♪ Shit, piss, motherfucker Cunt, my balls ♪
♪ Lick my dick, eat my ass ♪

And the kid’ll be like… “What’s that?” I’d be like, “Go tell your mom. That’s what that is.” As they walk by, you can get in one accidental hit. I’ve tried it, but it’s got to… As they’re passing, you know. Like that, and then they’ll be like…

[tearfully] ♪ Shit, piss Motherfucker, cunt, my… ♪

You ever meet somebody, and they’re so boring, you feel like they poisoned you? Like… you’re talking to them, and you’re like, “I feel like I’m dying right now. And I think you did it.” This guy’s name is Craig. I met him… [laughs] I made sure to get it. I was like, “I’m gonna remember you for the rest of my life, man.” He– I met him at the bank. Is he a bank teller? No. Is he a security guard? Nope. What’s his job? I don’t know. Whatever they call that guy that stands in the lobby… of banks now. Where you walk in, and you’re like, “Do you work here?” And he’s like, “I think so.” That guy. The lobby liaison. Well, I saw him. We made eye contact. I don’t know how you work. For me, if we make eye contact… During the day. Not at night. But during the day… [laughs] …out of human decency, I acknowledge you. So that’s what I did. We made eye contact, and I go, “How you doing?” And he went… And I was like, “Okay, so…” Then I get to the second set of doors to walk in. And, as I reach for that door, I hear, uh, “You going to the bank?” I go, “Is this still a bank?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “I’d like to.” And he goes, “Go for it.” And I was like… “Okay. Thanks.” And then I reach back… and he goes, “I’m going to Virginia next week.” “Are you telling me that?” He goes, “You said, ‘How you doing?’ when you got here. I had to think about it. That’s what I’m doing.” I go, “That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard anybody say. And also not how that question works, but all right.” And now I reach back, and now he goes, “Yeah, my sister lives there,” and I’m like… “How long has she lived there?” Now I’m roped in. He goes, “Fifteen years.” And I go, “You’ve never been?” And he goes, “Uh-uh.” Now I’m starting to look at him like, “Hey, man, do you drive to work or… does somebody drop you off?” You know what I mean? I think he…

[laughs]

Yeah. I think he could see it in my face… because, out of nowhere, he goes, “I drive.” I was like, “That’s cool, man. That’s cool. I drive, too. That’s crazy. Uh… I gotta get in here.” He goes, “Yeah, we’re gonna check out DC, and we’re gonna see some monuments.” I go, “I would love to hear about it, but I have to make a deposit.” He goes, “I’ll be here when you walk out.” I go, “You motherfucker.”

Fuck that guy. And fuck everybody like him. If you have the audacity to tell people how you’re doing when they say, “How you doing?” that shit is rude and selfish, all right? I’m serious. There are two acceptable answers to “How you doing?” “Fine” and “great.” And if you’re miserable, you say, “Fine.” You don’t burden people with your real-world problems during a courteous exchange. Yeah. It’s true. You know why? Because nobody wants to hear your problems. Your problems make my dick soft, and I am trying to stay hard out here.

Now… You know who’s got a good system going on? Rodrigo Duterte, the president of the Philippines. [laughs] Yeah, well, if you’re not aware, the president of the Philippines is a super cool guy, and… he has a lot of fun ideas. [laughs] One of them is that he employs motorcycle murder squads… to go out and kill people on sight. No arrest, no trial. Who does he do it to? Drug dealers and suspected drug users. “Suspected.” Do you know how many tired people die every day in Manila? Isn’t that crazy to you? You can walk out of your house at five in the morning, like, “Oh, shit.” And then you hear… [revving] You’re like, “Oh. I’m up!” They roll up next to you, “You high?” You’re like, “I just got up.” They’re like, “Mm, you’re high.” Pow. Kill you. It’s horrific. It’s reprehensible. And I hope that we adopt it here. Not… Not for drug usage, obviously. I think we should reserve it for people who have public speakerphone conversations with their phones in front of their face like this.

[crowd cheering]

You know? Yeah. Who are these people just walking around, oblivious to the world around them? You’re waiting in line to buy a coffee, you have to hear a fascinating, two-way tale amplified. It’s always like… [in distorted voice] “Where were you last night? [gibbering] [continues gibbering] [retches] Slice their fucking throat, right in line. Kick the the body. “Can I have a coffee?” So… Too violent? I get it. So… You know whose balls I’d love to slam in a mailbox… for 20 minutes straight? Grown men who board 6:00 a.m. flights who have never seen clouds before. I don’t know… if… you’ve ever had the good fortune of boarding an early morning flight where there’s an unspoken agreement, “We’re gonna keep it nice and dark so we can rest along the journey.” But there’s always some TikTok in 16C…

[crowd cheering]

Yeah. One guy who’s sitting there, who’s like, “I’ve never seen a cloud like that. Oh! There’s another one right there.” “Are you fucking four? Shut the shade, tit-slap. We’re trying to get some rest.” And people who put stick figures and the names of their family members on the rear windshields of their car. They should be publicly executed… in their car so we can keep score on the window, you know. Isn’t that insane to you? Don’t you have any protective instincts? I mean, it’s crazy. You pull up at a random red light, and the car in front of you is like, “It’s funny that you didn’t ask, but… inside are Mommy and Daddy… and Brian and Marissa. And there’s a soccer ball next to Brian… because Brian loves soccer.” Oh. Does Brian love getting molested? Because… you put his name and favorite thing out there as bait to society. Are you out of your goddamn mind? Why don’t you put your home address and his daily schedule right fucking next to it? “Brian’s up at six, home at one, bath at seven. [giggles] Come over if you want to join us.” It’s not okay. [sighs] Guys… have you ever thought about how many times you may have slept with your significant other? You shouldn’t know the answer. So let me just start there. All right? If you do, that’s terrifying, and… we’d like you to leave. Yeah. If you’re sitting here like, “Finally, somebody asked. It’s 926!” There’s the exit. What I’m saying… I’m saying, as a concept, it is reasonable to assume, if you’ve been with somebody three years, you have a healthy thing going on, you may have slept together a few hundred times. Right? Right. Now, I want you to think about how many times your dad… has finished inside of your mom. So many times! [in Southern accent] “Tom, why would you say that?” Well, basically, I think all of our moms are a bunch of cum dumpsters, you know, but… Your mom more than my mom.

Now… Ew, I know, it’s a tough image to get out of your head once I’ve planted it, right? You’re like, “Goddamn it, my mom’s dripping?” Probably, yeah. Soaking wet. Look… your mom has done some nasty shit. Let’s talk about it. [laughs] She really has. And, uh… Look, I’m here to defend her, all right? It is not her fault. It’s your dad’s fault, for sure. Your dad, with all due respect, is kind of a piece of shit. A little bit! And if you’re like, “Not my dad. He’s good…” Yeah, to you. He’s not always like that to your mom. If they’ve been together three decades, you don’t think he says some off-colored shit… every now and then? Of course he does. They’re laying in bed. Your dad’s tossing and turning. He can’t sleep. [grunting] And your poor mother, “Is everything all right, dear?” “It’s fine.” “Was supper good?” “Yeah. Shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” “Can I do anything to help?” “Yeah. You can lick my balls, all right?” You want to know something? Your poor mother, she does it, all right? She… Because she’s a ball hog. So your mom gets down there… [weeps] [weeps] And she goes, “I like my life.” [weeping] Oh, your mom. Now… Your grandma. Think about some of the things that she’s done. On the railroad tracks or wherever she used to fuck around. [laughs] El Paso. I don’t know.

Uh… You’re like, “Why are you saying this stuff, Tom?” ‘Cause I’m having fun. [laughs] Because I enjoy upsetting people. [laughs] Yeah. I don’t know what it says about me psychologically, but there is… I don’t know, there’s, like, a marching band inside of me right now, going, “Good job, good job.” Yeah. ‘Cause, internally, I picture somebody out there going like, “I was having fun… until he talked about my slut mom.” And it makes me happy. I don’t know. It’ll upset somebody, and they’ll try to tell me. I say they’ll try to tell me ’cause they’ll send me a message that I’ll never read and… No, no, I used to. I used to read them all. And it took me a long time to figure out you shouldn’t read every message. I don’t think any performer should digest everything sent their way. And I didn’t know that for a long time, you know, and I wish I had known that ’cause it kind of gets to you, you know? The first time I actually got in trouble for saying something was about five years ago. I got in trouble for saying “Gypsy” on television. Yeah. I didn’t say anything nice about them, so let me… rephrase it. [laughs] I was just like… I was on a show. I was like, “Who doesn’t hate Gypsies?” And then… everybody on the show was like, “We’re with you,” but… afterwards, they found out. And they reached out. Like the president of the Gypsies… sent me a message. I guess she stole someone’s phone. So she sent me this message.

[crowd laughing, applauding]

We can tell who travels. So, uh… she sent me this message. She was like, “You said the G-word on tele–” I was like, “Huh? The G-word?” I’m a grown man. And this is over e-mail. She’s being a real B-word. And so… I didn’t want to push her, make her a C-word. You know what I mean? Where my N-words at? All right, well, look… Hey, man… it’s modern comedy, get with the program. Now… Then she went on. She goes, “Well, just so you know, we’re very proud of our ethnicity.” And I was like, “Yeah, you should be. I mean, you have nothing else. [laughs] I hope you’re good at camping.” [laughs] Hey, I was giving her a compliment. I was saying, “I enjoy your ethnic pride, because you’ve earned it.” And frankly, I don’t think everybody has. All right? Every group’s like, “We’re the best.” No, you’re not. It’s impossible for everybody to be the best. I’m serious. Every group, they’re like… [gibbering] No. I mean, just as an example, okay, just to, like, lay this out: How many people in the room, let’s say, are Italian for instance? -[crowd cheers] -Okay. Now, aren’t the rest of you a little sick of hearing from them? Like… Right? “Hey, we’re the best! Fucking pasta!” You’re like, “All right.” So… Pasta’s Chinese. Calm down. Now… Anyways, after that, I kept reading messages. Reading, reading, reading. And then a little while ago, I got, in one six-week period, 200,000 e-mails and messages just from the state of Louisiana, over jokes that I had told in a special. Now… if you don’t know, I had a joke in a previous special… -and…

[crowd cheering]

Yeah, it’s fine. It was a very silly joke. The joke essentially was I said, “You know what? We should build a wall in this country, but we should build it around that dumb fucking state.” That was my joke. Now… Look, I’m so dumb, I was like, “Everybody will like that joke.” No, they don’t. Not the people you made it about. I got so many misspelled death threats and, uh… I was like, “Is this Creole? What the hell are they trying to tell me?” I got asked about it so much, I was on the news about it… that I just volunteer it now, okay? So here’s the truth. I never would have shit on them as hard as I did if I had been to Arkansas, which I now have. What? What! What… a fucking dump that place is. I think, when people flush their toilets in Louisiana, it all comes up in Arkansas. It… It smells like broken dreams and buttholes and… a little bit of barbecue, but… Here’s what’s fascinating. Most of you will never experience this, but if you ever offend a large group of people, like, let’s say, an entire state… you end up learning a lot about them. You don’t want to. But they insist, so… Yeah. I know everything about Louisiana now. It’s the worst. I’m like an unofficial historian on the place I least want to go to. I mean, their state motto runs through my head like it’s the Dow Jones ticker, all day, every day. It’s, “Louisiana, where people smoke in their cars with their babies.” And… [mumbling] Arkansas’s is, “You done with that baby?” So… Hmm? “What are you gonna do with it?” “We’re gonna eat it. What do you mean? Sooey!” Now… I also got a lot of messages from the Down syndrome community. That was fun. Here’s the truth about that. People with Down syndrome write much more coherently than people from Louisiana. So… We were able to have a dialogue. [laughs] And I think I’ve grown and matured since then. I’m serious. I think I have. I think, for instance, right now, today, I think it is both lazy and antiquated to say, “Are you fucking R-worded?” R-E-T-A-R… You get it. And here’s why. I think, when I say that, what I’m trying to say is, “Are you an idiot? Are you an imbecile? Are you stupid?” And that is not the right word for that. The right word for that is “Cajun.” So that’s what I’m gonna start saying… from now on. So fuck you again. That’s my point. Now…

[crowd cheering, whistling]

Yeah. But I’ll tell you this. I want you to know something. I am not one of these comedians who goes, “I don’t understand why people ever get upset about anything.” [gibbering] Like the dumbest perspective you can have. I totally understand. I think you have a right to be offended by whatever offends you, and I think you have a right to express it. I do not think, however, that you have a right to expect anyone to do anything about it. -[crowd cheering] -Yeah. Just like if you express any of your other feelings. Like if you’re like, “I’m horny. I’m hungry. I’m tired.” I’d be like, “Wow, you got a lot of shit going on. Sounds like you need to jerk off, eat a sandwich, and take a nap. And… that’s on you. I mean, I’ll give you a little tug to get you started, but… I’m not gonna finish.” And I also think I should have the right to respond, you know? Yeah, that’s how it should work. I say something, you say something, I say something, and it continues. So I’ll say this. I am not put out by outraged culture, okay? I’m serious. Doesn’t affect me. Because I deal with emotionally fragile people every day. See, I have two kids, and… they bring me their problems. They do. And I speak to them about them. I speak to them differently than I would normally speak to you. You know, they’ll come up to me, and my older one will be like… [whining] “It’s loud… over there.” And I’ll be like… “Is it? Well, then don’t go over there.” He goes, “Okay.” And I go, “Okay.” And then I go, “Mwah,” and I kiss him on the head. And that’s how I’m gonna start speaking to adults who tell me they’re offended by jokes during comedy shows. So…

[crowd cheering] -Yeah. The best part is that you don’t have to agree. That’s the great thing about living in this country. You don’t have to agree, but you’ll know where I stand. So if you come up to me, and you’re like, “I was deeply hurt by what you said during your ha-ha show…” I’ll be like, “Oh, were you? Well, you should never hear things you don’t like, so you stay home now. Mwah.” And I’ll kiss you on the head. That being said, do you ever wonder what kind of slave owner you would have been? Now… Not now! I mean, it’s 1831, you’re white, you live… exactly where you live right now. You guys are like, “We don’t want to play this game.” All right, well… Fuck it, I’ll play. Uh… I know how I would have been. I mean, I love buying cars now. “I know we have three, but look at this fucking guy!” All right, well… Hey, if you didn’t like that joke… [clicks tongue] …don’t think about it. Now… Women. [laughs] Do you feel like you’re almost equal citizens? Because you are not. Now… I’m on your side. I didn’t say you shouldn’t be. I said you’re not, because I have eyes. You’re not. You don’t sense the great imbalance that we live with? Men get paid more to do the same work that you do. Advantage, men. Women get mad at us for things we do in their dreams. Advantage, women. Isn’t that some shit? When you’re at breakfast and you’re like, “Why is she looking at me like that?” She’s like, “You were a dick in my dream last night.” And you’re like, “Okay, all right. Are you serious? I would like to apologize… for what I did in your dream last night.” She’s like, “Thank you.” And you’re like, “All right, I’m gonna get the fuck out of here.” See, I think the power dynamic that we live with was set by a man. Obviously. I think he was gonna make it equal. I really believe that. And I think the day he was going to set it up, he was leaving his house, and his wife stopped him at the door. And she was like, “You know, you were titty fucking a brunette in my dream last night.” And he was like, “You know what? No. You’re gonna answer the phones. That’s what you’re gonna do.” And he walked away. [laughing] Okay. Don’t accurately joke about our culture. All right. [laughs] Really? That’s not funny either? You don’t think there’s a couple people in here who are like, “I do answer the phones.” Like, is that funny to you? [laughs] On Monday, she’ll be like, “Hi, thank you for… Oh, fuck him. Fuck that guy.” Right? Sometimes, you witness the power imbalance play out in front of you between the genders in a grotesque fashion. Of course, when I say “the genders,” I am only speaking of two of the several hundred that now exist. I would like it to be clear where I stand. I have no problem calling anybody anything they wish to be called. It is no burden on me. You can identify as a shoelace if you want to. And I will call you Zippedy Zim-zir if you ask me to. Do I think it’s a little silly? Yeah. But so is badminton, and that’s an Olympic event. You know? So… Here’s what happened. I was shooting a movie a few months back, and one day, we wrapped up kind of early from filmmaking. It was late afternoon. And I walk off set, and I notice there’s a bar across the street. I go, “I’m gonna walk into this bar, have a drink, go back to the hotel.” Simple enough, right? I walk in, I see a woman seated at the bar, doing what I can only describe as weird shit. If you’re like, “What do you mean, Tom?” Well, I think there’s a normal spectrum of behavior that you see from one seated at a bar. You know, if you see them seated there, you might see them go like this, or, like, “Hey,” or maybe even… [imitating laughter] This lady is seated at the bar, and she’s going… I’m like, “Is she making fudge? What is she doing over there?” I also noticed it late. Like, I noticed it as I’m walking past it. That happens sometimes, right? Like you walk, you see something as you’re passing it. You’re like, “That’s some crazy shit,” and you keep walking. And then you’re like, “I need to see that again. I don’t know how I’m gonna see it again.” Now I’m dead center, and I see that a woman, to be clear, is in public, 4:30 in the afternoon, and she is sitting there fucking… Peeling her potato. I don’t know. Um… Playing with her pussy. You know what I’m trying to say. And she is not hot, if you’re wondering. If you’re like, “Was she super hot?” No, she wasn’t. And because of that, I tattletaled immediately. You know what’s up. So… I go to the bouncer. I go, “Excuse me. That not-model over there… is diddling herself at the bar.” And this big, yoked dude looked, and he goes… [babbling] I go, “Yeah, talk to her.” And he goes, “Mm-mm.” I’m like, “Excuse me?” He goes, “I don’t want anything to do with that shit.” I’m like, “I don’t think anybody does. There’s a woman masturbating at the bar.” He’s like… [groans] Like he’s put out by my outrageous request. He’s like, “All right, man, Jesus Christ.” So he gets up, he walks, like, halfway there, turns around, he goes, “Yeah, I couldn’t do it, man.” I go, “You have to.” So he calls over the hostess. This cute little 22-year-old that’s like, “What’s up, guys?” He goes, “Handle that.” She’s like, “Okay.” She goes over there, super polite, which is fucked up… considering the circumstances. I can’t hear her, but I can read her body language. She’s like, “Hi.” And she’s like, “Everybody can see you.” And then she goes, “Stop it. Stop.” And she goes, “You promise?” [laughs] Then she goes, “Thank you.” And she comes back, and she goes, “She’s stopped.” I’m like, “She finished, or she stopped?” She goes, “She stopped.” And I go. “Okay.” I’m like, “Wait, is she allowed to stay?” And she goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Why?” And she goes, “Because she stopped.” I go, “I’m sorry, would I be allowed to stay… if I was just sitting at your bar, just kind of toying with the top? You know, like… Would you tap me on the shoulder and be like, ‘Excuse me. Will you put your leaky dick back in your pants? Thanks. You want some chicken fingers or a Sprite or something?'” I say, “You’d call the SWAT team, and they would rappel into the building. Someone would crack my fucking head on the side of the bar, and you’d have a parade as my corpse was carried out.” And she goes, “You’re right about that.” [sighs] Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t know. I don’t jerk off in bars. Years ago, I wouldn’t find it necessary to make that statement, but in light of all the recent scandals, I don’t jerk off in bars. Now… It’s another reason I stopped reading messages from people. I keep getting messages all the time. People were like, “Hi, big fan. Uh, don’t sexually assault anyone so I can still be your fan.” Huh? First of all, ride or die, bitch. [crowd laughing, cheering] Yeah. I don’t want no half-steppers in my crew. Secondly… what am I supposed to write back? “Good looking out, bro. I was about to until I read your e-mail, Kyle.” Fuck you, Kyle. You don’t have to worry about me. I don’t jerk off in public. [laughs] It’s not what I’m into. I’m into something else. Here’s what it is. Uh… [laughs] -You guys are like, “Okay…”

[woman] Yeah!

All right, yeah.

[woman] Yeah!

If you ever want to hear me masturbate… all you have to do is call me and tell me you can’t make it to our dinner plans. I’ll start stroking right then and there. I am not social. I fucking love that call. That is my favorite call. I lo– Especially if it’s as I’m leaving the house, I’m gonna have multiple orgasms, okay? When I’m walking out of the house, and I’m like, “I don’t want to fucking go out with them,” and then they call and they’re like, “We can’t make it,” I’m like, “Keep talking. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?” “Well, we were in a car accident.” I’m like, “Oh. Are you okay? You are, but you’re still not coming to dinner. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” “All right, clean it up, Tom.” You got it. So… So I’m a dad. [snickering] And, uh… I, um… I’ve changed some. Not too much. You have to change a little bit. You know, there’s an expression, “Having kids changes you.” I think… Personally, I think it should be modified to, “Having kids should change you.” It’s a big-time red flag when you meet somebody who’s like, “Yeah, I’ve had four kids. I haven’t changed at all.” You’re like, “You’re super unstable. That’s good to know.” They don’t have to be huge changes. But, you know, you kind of evaluate your life and you make a change. Me, personally, I’m very proud of what I changed. I realized when I had kids, I had no time, no energy. I need to edit something out of my life. You know what I edited out of my life? Arguing with everyone. Every friend, every family member. I just don’t engage. As soon as it starts, I flip it on them, okay? As soon as I’m arguing with somebody, and they’re like, “Yeah, I don’t really agree with you,” I go, “Yep. I’m on your side now.” They’re like, “What?” I go, “As soon as you spoke, I came around and joined you. That’s how little I want to talk to you.” And I’m free. It feels great. Now… Not everybody likes it. I’ll tell you, my own mother is not a fan. [laughs] She lives for arguing. There are some people built like that. She lives for, you know, combative things. She wants to just fucking stab and twist, turn. She loves it. She’s also a dream crusher, which is… my least favorite quality in a human being. You know a dream crusher? The person who, no matter what you say you want to do or try, they’re like, “Mm-mm. Not you.” And you’re like, “It’s good to have you around,” you know? Those stay with you. Right? I bet you me just bringing it up brings them to your own memory. That’s how powerful they are. I remember… I do remember telling her, “I’m going to LA to do stand-up.” This is years ago. I say it to her. “I’m going to LA to do stand-up.” Her response was… [in Spanish accent] “You should go to the post office.” I was so naive. I was like, “They do stand-up shows at the post office?” She goes… [in Spanish accent] “No, to work.” I was like, “Oh, no, stand-up would be the work.” And she goes… [in Spanish accent] “I understand.” I was like, “Wait a minute. Am I telling you my dream, and then you’re saying, ‘Go be a mailman’?” And she was like… [in Spanish accent] “Yes.” Okay. Now I do all right. You know, I make a good living. She knows about it. Obviously. She hits me up for shit constantly, but… I still get to have some fun. Like, do you know what I sent my mother just a few weeks ago for her 75th birthday? A book of fucking stamps. And… I put a little note in there. “I got these at work today.” [imitating laughter] Like that.

[crowd cheers]

Yeah. Don’t feel badly. She gets hooked up. So… Yeah, she’s such a dick, but… [laughing] She is. I don’t like that dream-crushing shit. I really don’t. I’m the opposite. I’m a dream encourager. If you come to me with a crazy idea, then I’ll really celebrate, okay? I love people who have just outrageous dreams. I’ve put that out there now. Now people walk up to me all the time, like, “I want to open a hot dog stand where you can buy boots.” I’m like, “All right, let’s figure it out.” I like it, and I’ll tell you this, I want you to have crazy dreams. I’m serious. I really do. I’ll give you the best advice, sincerely, not a joke, that I ever got about pursuing a dream. And I hope it applies to all of you, okay? Here’s the truth. I think– This is true. As long as you accept that your dream might not go exactly as you plan, you will still feel fulfilled by the pursuit of your dream. So always go after whatever you want to do. Otherwise, what’s the point in living, right? Yeah. Now, to further that point, I’ll tell you this. I remember, two years ago, I’m sitting at a café in Los Angeles for lunch. I sit down. As I sit down, my friend, I can hear her audibly say, “I can’t believe I’m thinking that.” And I go, “Thinking what?” And she goes, “Oh, nothing.” I go, “What is it?” She goes, “It’s embarrassing.” And I go, “Just tell me.” She goes, “If I tell you, you’ll make fun of me.” And I go, “I always make fun of you. Just say it.” She goes, “It’s just something I want to keep inside.” I go, “You said you want to do it. So say it, then you can make it happen.” She goes, “I don’t want to.” I go, “If you don’t put it out in the universe, it’ll never happen. You’ve gotta say it. What is it?” And she goes, “Okay. I want to blow somebody in the Wu-Tang Clan.” Now, I immediately think… “What would my mom say?” You know? And I tell myself, “Don’t be like Mom. This is this girl’s dream.” So I look her dead in her eyes… and I go, “You should try. There’s a bunch of them.” That’s what I said. Now… Three months later… she got on their tour bus… and she told them, and guess what? They all accepted. If you are not familiar, there are nine guys… in the Wu-Tang Clan. Nine. [laughing] So many guys. That’s so many– Can we park for a moment… at how many dicks nine is? I don’t even understand how anyone’s sitting in their seat right now. There’s people out here like, “Hmm, what else you got?” Are you shitting me? That’s not a lot? Close your eyes… and picture nine dicks. You’re like, “God, they’re everywhere.” Yeah, ’cause there’s nine of them. That’s why. I’m not slut-shaming. I’m saying, objectively, nine is a lot of anything. Like, if I was like, “I had cinnamon rolls today.” And you’re like, “How many did you have?” “I had nine.” “You need me to take you to the emergency room or…? You’re gonna lose a foot by the morning. We should go.” Nine dicks? Are you fucking shitting me? Some of you, it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks. This was a Thursday for this young lady. Try to imagine the physical labor involved… with blowing nine probably not small dicks. If you’re not aware, the Wu-Tang fellas don’t look like me, all right? That is some CrossFit shit at that level. If you think burpees are rough, try… “Am I doing good? Do you like me now?” After how many do you think she was like, “Let’s take a little break for a second. [whimpering] What the fuck am I doing? Why are they so mean about it? [laughs] How many is that? Four! Fuck! Am I done?” And they’re like, “No, you’re not done! U-God, RZA, Rae, Ghost, Meth. No, you’re not done!” She’s like, “But my neck hurts.” And they’re like, “You’ve got to protect ya neck. Don’t you listen to our music?”

[crowd cheering]

Yes. Yes. That is a top-shelf Wu-Tang blowjob joke. Now… [sighs] She was a real animal, you know. I asked her one time, I was like, “If you could go back to that day and do anything differently, what would you have done?” And she said, “I’d have skipped lunch.” So…

[crowd groaning, laughing]

Yeah. Philly girl, what are you gonna do? Now… [laughs] What were we talking about before? Oh, yeah, my mom. So… [laughs] Here’s how I stopped arguing with her. I hope, if you’re in a similar situation with a parent, you have an epiphany the way I did. Here’s the circumstance, right? She calls me, late last year. There were fires in LA. And she goes… [in Spanish accent] “Tommy…” She’s not local, if you don’t know yet. If you’re like, “Why does she talk so fucking weird?” Uh… She’s from South America. Peru, to be specific. Okay.

[crowd cheers]

So she calls me, and she goes, “Tommy…” And I go, “Yeah?” She goes, “The fires, they are bad?” And I go, “Yeah. Usually they’re good, but this is a bad one.” And she goes, “People are dying?” I go, “If they’re in the fire, yeah. It’s fire.” And she lives in Florida, so she goes, “You have fires, we have hurricanes. People are dying everywhere.” And I go, “Sounds like you have the news on. Is there anything else you want to report?” And she goes, “I think it’s happening for a reason.” And I go, “It is. They’re called weather patterns.” And she goes, “No. I think God is trying to send us… a message.” That’s what I do. I go… [laughs] I go, “What’s the message?” She goes, “I think he’s trying to tell us to be better people.” You know when somebody says something, and you can feel with certainty that you’re gonna argue with them? Like, as words leave their lips, you’re like, “I’m gonna light you up pretty hard.” I could feel seething anger growing, and I could hear my own argument in my head. I could hear my own voice say, “You mean to tell me that our all-knowing and all-loving and all-present God is setting people on fire… and drowning them in hurricanes so that we hug more? This is the stupidest shit I have ever heard in my entire life.”

[crowd cheering, applauding]

But… right before I said it, I had that moment. I had that thought where I go, “What is the point? Why argue with this demon woman?” You know? “Just let Lucifer’s sister have her way. You’re not gonna change her mind.” So, for the first time in my life, I took a deep breath, and I just went, “Yeah. I can see why he would do that. [sighs] Hope he stops killing us.” [forced laughter] And she knew. She goes, “What?” I go, “You make a good point,” and she goes, “Why are you doing this?” Why are you… Meaning, “Why aren’t you arguing with me?” I go, “Mom, I don’t know. Who cares? You’re right. I’m wrong. So what?” And she goes, “Tommy, do you know what?” I go, “What?” She goes, “I always knew you were a little bitch, Tommy.” And I go, “What?” And she goes, “Chao, puto,” and she hung up the phone. That’s my mother. Okay, here’s how I got her back. It’s pretty fun. Uh… I never curse her out. As much as I say crazy things, I never curse… Even if I’m really mad, I can’t do like, “Fuck you!” I can’t do it. It doesn’t sit right. I prefer psychological warfare, you know? Yeah. I like knowing that I can ask my mother a question, and the mere mention of that question might terrorize her mind for years to come. So I decided I would ruin one of her days. So I chose Christmas. So here’s what I did, okay? [laughing] Christmas morning, my parents and their five dogs are at my house. My mother is in a fantastic mood, okay? She is a Latina woman on Christmas morning. You don’t understand this type of joy, all right? She’s, like, cooking and dancing. She’s like…

[vocalizing] ♪ Baby Jesús is here today ♪ Just doing her spic shit, you know, so… It’s my mom. Okay, so… I see her. [laughing] Yeah. I go, “Mom.” And she goes, “Yes?” Like, I could feel the joy coming off her, and I’m like, “Now’s a good time.” I go, “Mom, have you ever thought about how you’re gonna have to bury each one of those dogs?” [crowd gasps] She goes, “Why would you say that?” And I go, “I don’t know.” I go, “Do you ever think about -what you’ll do if Dad dies before you?” -[woman] Oh, my God! She goes… [tearfully] “No. I’ve never thought about this.” And I go, “Well, I’m asking you, so… think about it.” And she goes, “I will pray… and I will hope to die the same day.” I go, “That’d actually be super convenient. Like as far as… planning the funerals and going over the wills. If you can pull it off, I think we’d all be on board.” She goes… [sobbing] “Merry Christmas, Tom.” I go, “Merry Christmas to you too.” And… my dad is sitting two feet away. He hasn’t heard one word of the conversation. He’s just in dad mode, checked out, staring at ceiling lights. You know, like… You call his attention, it just snaps him out of a flashback. I’m like, “Hey, Dad–” “Yeah!” Jesus. I asked him the same thing. I go, “Hey, man, have you ever thought about what you’d do if Mom dies before you?” He goes, “I like blondes, and I like big tits, buddy.” “Sounds like you’ve been thinking about that quite a bit.” And he goes, “Every night, pal. Every night.” I’m just like… [laughs] “You guys have different dreams, I guess.” That guy. Oh, my God. Nothing like men in their 70s, right?

[groans] My dad’s at that really cool place in his life where he says things that are true that provide relief to no one. Like, this week I call him up, and I’m like, “What’s up?” He goes, “You know, gays don’t bother me.” And I was like… “That’s good.” He goes, “They’re just living their life. Why would I get upset?” And I’m like, “I don’t know.” And then it’s just quiet on the phone. I’m like, “Are we done talking right now?” He’s like, “No, I’m just thinking.” “Oh, it’s fun to listen to… as you breathe into the…” [breathing heavily] And he goes, “Your mother and I are going on a cruise.” And I go, “Okay, have fun.” And I ask him, I go, “Which cruise line?” And he goes, “Carnival.” And I’m like, “Wait, isn’t that, like, the party cruise?” And my dad’s response… I swear on my children… was, “Buddy, there’s no other way to say it. I love watching black people have fun.” What? I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud? It’s fucking crazy. Can you picture my dad on the aftdeck of a Carnival cruise, just like… “Those blacks are having fun. Let’s get some food. This is fun.” [laughs] All right, let’s get serious. Guys, I think it’s time we have to start taking better care of the environment. All right? Yeah. [crowd cheering] Absolutely. And I think that responsibility falls on the poor. And here’s why. You’re already in my trash. How about you separate the glass from the plastic? [crowd laughing, whistling] Yeah. It sounds like there’s some poor people over here. And that’s fucking disgusting. Now… Here’s what I know for sure. Poor people love the Bible, okay? And they love it because it’s the only book you get for free. Now… Try getting another book for free. Let me know how that shit goes. Can you imagine being so dumb… that you’re superstitious? Imagine being so impossibly stupid. Personally, I have nothing but contempt for all superstitions and all superstitious people. I hate all of them. I hate riding in the car with someone who’s like, “We’re about to drive over a bridge.” [gasps, grunting] Like, “I’m gonna get out of the car, and I hope you drive off this bridge. I really do.” They’re all dumb. “It’s 11:11.” [imitating laughter] “Make a wish.” I wish you would drink a smoothie of cyanide and broken rocks. That’s what I wish. They should all upset you, but there’s one that should make you march in the streets. I’m serious. I cannot believe that we live in this incredibly wealthy, developed nation, and, collectively, we all just accept that hotels, even some office buildings, just don’t have to have a 13th floor. Like, do you understand… that we’re throwing away sequential numbers because people are like… [muttering] You can go to a nice hotel, the fucking Four Seasons, it’ll go 12th floor, 14th floor. And if you go, “I’m sorry, why isn’t there a 13th floor?” “Well, that’s a spooky number. And if we had it, there’d be ghosts and goblins up there. So we took it away, and now it’s not so scary.” And you’re like, “Are you fucking Cajun? Is that really what we’re doing right now?”

[crowd cheering]

I don’t know. Yeah. You guys like that one, but that Bible one… [grunts] You pulled back on that. You guys were like… [grunting] “He listens to every show.” [shushing] It’s cool. I talked to him before the show. He said it was a good angle. Don’t worry about it. Now… [laughing] I’m not calling you stupid if you’re religious, okay? That’s a cheap shot. If religion gives you comfort, I think that’s great. I would not call you stupid for that. I would only call you stupid if you read your horoscope. [laughs] And, uh… you make life decisions based on… [gibbering] …what the planets are doing. [laughs] I don’t know if you’ve ever spent time with one of these non-contributors, but… they’re usually sharing their wisdom, like, “You’ve got to go for it, ’cause you’re a Pisces.” [gibbering] Thanks, Doc. Those are the same people that think it’s a miracle to share a birthday with someone. Like that’s a noteworthy event. And then you get to explain how that’s not weird. “Well, there’s a lot of us and… not that many options. It’s gonna happen all the time.” Those people… [groans] But the ones who make me immediately homicidal are… people who get excited about a close-to-each-other birthday. As if that is worth wasting a breath on. I get this in hotels once a month. I check into a hotel, the guy will take my ID, and he’ll be like… [chuckling] “You’re April 16th? I’m April 3rd.” I go, “Hold on a second! You mean to tell me… two weeks… before I was born… you were born?

[moans]

[crowd cheering, screaming]

[man howls]

[crowd whistling]

[grunting] Yeah. I’ve got panty pudding now.” Panty pudding? [groaning] Gross. I remember the girl who said it. It was… 2002 and… a lot of you will not like this. But that year, Ohio State won the national championship in football.

[crowd cheering, booing]

Whoa. It’s almost like you care more about football than the Bible. But anyway… [crowd cheering, applauding] I know. Boo, history. Anyway… I was with this girl. I met her the day after the game. She was from Columbus, where the school is located. I said something casually. I just said it. I was like, “Oh, you’re from Columbus? You guys won the title. Are you excited?” And she goes, “Excited? I’ve got panty pudding.” And I was like… [groans] And then I fucked her because… she was a dirty girl, all right? And she was not lying. That shit was like tapioca. You had to scoop it out. Over your shoulder. Do you think Cosby still eats pudding? I often wonder if he has maintained his sense of humor on the inside. Do you think he teases the fellas on the way to the shower? Do you think he’s like, “Hey, don’t put your pudding pop in my raisin cake.” Like that? And they’re like, “Man, Bill’s crazy as shit, huh? Let me get a cigarette, Bill!” All right, so… [laughs] You can tell I like you. Yeah. You know why? ‘Cause I told you an old sex story from my life. I think, 100% of the time when that happens, when somebody tells you an old story like that from their life, it’s because they like you and they seek your approval.

[crowd cheering]

Yeah. Absolutely. Dude… Who tells you the best stories? It’s always people newish to your life. Why? Because they’re giving you the best they’ve got. They want to impress you. Who tells you the worst stories? Your best friends. They know you’re not going anywhere. Your best friends are like, “I fucked my wife,” and you’re like, “Shut up. We’re about to eat. I know her. Shut the fuck up, man.” Then they’re like, “It’s a good story.” “Okay, what?” “Well, she didn’t really want to do it.” [sighs] “But I kept bothering her and bothering her. And she finally broke down. She really just laid still.” You’re like, “What are you? Ted Bundy? This is a terrible story.” I’ll tell you a fun story, all right? When I first got to LA, many years ago, I met a girl in a bar. She took me back to her place. We started messing around. I signed the consent forms. We start messing around. As we’re doing it, she reaches around, she puts a finger in me, and I go… [gasps] And she goes, “Mmm?” And I go, “Oh, yeah.” That’s it. That’s the end of the story. Right. Go for your dreams. [laughs] I do mean that. I know it sounds cheesy, but I don’t mean it to. I just… Here’s why I think about it so much. I meet so many people. Okay? I meet way more people than you. Um… It’s not even close. So… Here’s the thing. People usually say nice things to me. They’re like, “Thanks for coming. I had a good time.” Conversations naturally will turn, and I’ll ask somebody, “What do you do?” Do you know what I hear like 98% of the time? They’ll be like, “It fucking sucks. I hate it.” Then I go, “Why don’t you do something else?” They go, “It’s too late. My life’s fucked. Good to meet you, man” and they walk away. Yeah, that sits in my head. So I think about it. But I have advice. This is the advice that I hope you’ll leave with, all right? This is it. You just need to learn to do one thing really well. And it’s this. You need to learn to manage your expectations. It’s not an innate thing you’re born with. It’s a skill. If you work at it, you’ll get good at it. The more you manage your expectations, you’ll feel more fulfilled, less depressed, happier overall.

I’ll share with you my life’s greatest disappointment, which, in retrospect, is my fault. I didn’t know it at the time. I do now. And I’m gonna tell you it’s gonna be upsetting to some people. But hopefully, we can use it as a learning tool, so… Here’s what it is, all right? [groans] I think that sixty-nining is overrated, and it sucks. [crowd cheering, applauding] Yeah. Yeah, you see that? Some people clap. Some people are like, “Arrest this man.” But listen. The story of why is more important. Do you remember when you first heard about it? I do. I was in third grade. And that’s too young. All right? One of the older kids told me, and I was like, “What? At the same time?” I almost had a seizure. I didn’t know what he was saying. I didn’t even have references so I could pretend like I understood. I was like, “That’s like eating a cheeseburger covered in ice cream while you’re taking a shit or something.” And he was like, “That’s exactly what it’s like.” From that day on, I was hooked. When I tell you I was obsessed, I was obsessed. I’m not saying it for a story. It is all I talked about, thought about, dreamt about, sung about, joked about, “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine…” Every notebook in school, I was like, “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine…” Every sports team I was on, I was like, “I’m number 69!” They were like, “This is fifth grade basketball. Why don’t you chill out, buddy?” Every birthday, Christmas, my dad’d go, “What do you want?” I’d go, “I want a sixty-nine.” He’d go, “Shut up and stop saying that!” And I was like, “No!” Defiant. “No!” “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. It’s gonna be the best. Be the best. Sixty-nine. It’ll be like smoking meth out of God’s dick. I want to do it.” And I built it up, and I built it up, and I built it up, and when I finally got to do it, I finally got to do it, you know what the first thing I said was? “Get off me. All right?” My neck hurts. I can’t get my nose out of the way. Does it feel good? It feels like I’m working. All right, it’d feel better if you flipped over and polished me off, and then I’ll do you. Why’s it got to be at the same time? Are we late for something? Uh… Is the youth pastor coming back in a few minutes? Let’s take turns, like we learned in kindergarten. What type of maniac sixty-nines as an adult? I mean, if you’re a guy, I hope you’re at least a gentleman about it and you lay on your back and you’re not one of these savage fucking pigs… who’s like, “I prefer this angle. And then you can hear the fight to live underneath you.” [gagging] And you’re like, “Yeah, that feels good.” I bet it fucking does feel good. As you’re throating that poor lady underneath you. I don’t think there’s a more horrific picture I can paint… than that of a woman, a lovely woman… Like, picture your mom laying on her back… in anticipation of sixty-nining from the bottom. And she’s like, “What the fuck?” And she’s got that look on her face, like, “Is the search party gonna find me here?” And then a man, a disgusting man… like me, is like, “Well, saddle up. Here we go.” There’s dingleberries and lint. And here’s your mom, and I’m like… [grunting] [laughs] And then, if I do that, I hear, “What’s on my forehead?” And I’m like, “That’s my gut. [laughs] That’s Daddy’s wet trash bag gut.”

Austin, you were a blast. Thanks for coming out tonight.

Appreciate it very much.

[crowd cheering]

See you next time. Good night. See you, buddy.

[“Protect Ya Neck” by Wu-Tang Clan playing]

♪ You best protect ya neck ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan comin’ at you ♪
♪ Watch your step, kid Watch your step, kid ♪
♪ Watch your step, kid Watch your step, kid ♪
♪ Watch your step, kid ♪
♪ The Inspectah Deck ♪
♪ I smoke on the mic Like Smokin’ Joe Frazier ♪
♪ The hell-raiser Raising hell with the flavor ♪
♪ Terrorize the jam Like troops in Pakistan ♪
♪ Swinging through your town Like your neighborhood Spider-Man ♪
♪ So, uh, ticktock and keep ticking ♪
♪ While I get you flipping Off the sh** I’m kicking ♪
♪ The Lone Ranger, code red, danger ♪
♪ Deep in the dark with the art To rip the charts apart ♪
♪ The vandal, too hot to handle ♪
♪ You battle, you’re saying goodbye Like Tevin Campbell ♪
♪ Roughneck, Inspectah Deck’s on the set ♪
♪ The rebel, I make more noise Than heavy metal ♪
♪ The way I make the crowd go wild ♪
♪ Sit back, relax, won’t smile ♪
♪ Rae got it going on, pal Call me the rap assassinator ♪
♪ Rhymes rugged And built like Schwarzenegger ♪
♪ And I’mma get mad deep like a threat ♪
♪ Blow up your project Then take all your assets ♪
♪ ‘Cause I came to shake The frame in half ♪
♪ With the thoughts That bomb shit like math ♪
♪ So if you wanna try to flip Go flip on the next man ♪
♪ ‘Cause I grab the clip and ♪
♪ Hit you with 16 shots and more, I got ♪
♪ Going to war with the melting pot, hot ♪
♪ It’s the Method Man For short “Mr. Meth” ♪
♪ Moving on your left, ah ♪

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