[“Reptilia” playing]
[audience cheering]
[announcer] All right, Boston. Keep it going. Keep it going, guys. Keep it going. Come on.
[cheering continues]
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Morril!
Hello. How are you guys? Boston, hello.
[audience cheering]
Hel… Thank you. Uh… All right. Ah, don’t… don’t overdo it. It’s not gonna be that good, but… Not a good listener. I’m not a good… I’m not good in relationships. Very bad at listening. You ever do this in a relationship? You ever pop an Adderall and, uh, really listen? Hit ’em with that performance-enhanced listen. Like a Viagra but for the relationship. Some would say more impressive. What’s really more impressive: A hard cock or 45 straight minutes of “hmm”… “tell me more”? I’m dating a very nice woman right now. The other night, I come home from a gig, she’s in my apartment dressed as a schoolgirl. Which, uh, nice gesture, not really my fetish. I-I picked her ’cause she’s an adult. That’s a big part of it, and, uh… Also, she’s older than me. She doesn’t even look like a schoolgirl. She looks more like a dumbass that got held back 20 years. I’m like, “Oh, neat. I get to bang a special ed all-star tonight. That’s… That’s fun.” We’re sleeping together one night. While we’re doing it, I lost my erection. It’s a… a terrible moment. You know what I mean? It just slides out like a drunk being asked to leave the bar. And he’s like, “I’ll be back,” and everyone’s like, “I don’t know, dude. I”… And she got insecure. She was like, “Is it me?” And I was like, “Yeah. It’s not your fault. You’re very attractive. It’s just, we’ve done this a lot.” You ever try to explain the situation, and you make it ten times worse? I was like, “Look, the penis is like a guard dog. For a stranger, it’s gonna go crazy. But…” [sighs]
[audience laughing]
“…with familiarity, it will soften.” And she got angry. She started screaming and cursing at me. And then I got hard again… so it could be me. Been on the road a lot. Been traveling like crazy. I missed a gig in Vermont recently. I, uh… I was flying from Texas to Vermont. I had to connect in Philly. The flight attendants will never admit you’re gonna miss the connection. I told her. I was like, “I’m not gonna make this.” She goes, “Trust me.” I said, “I’m looking at the live update.” She goes, “I think you’ll be okay.” I said, “All right.” So, we land in Philly at gate B2. My connection, F32. On my phone, it says we’re boarding. So I just held up the phone to show her. She looks at me and she goes, “Run.” Now I’m that lunatic sprinting through the airport. You’ve seen that guy. You know it’s hopeless. I get there just as the door is shutting, and I scream out, out of breath, “Please don’t shut the door.” She looks right at me. “I’m so sorry.” Right in my face. I said, “I really need to get on that flight.” And she goes, “There’s nothing that can be done now that the door is shut.” I said, “It was you who shut it though. Please. I’ve… I’ve got a gig tonight in Vermont. I really need to make it.” She goes, “You won’t be making that.” So, I ask her, “What do I do?” She goes, “I can get you a flight, uh, Philly, Chicago, Vermont. You land at 10:30 p.m.” I said, “That doesn’t help me.” She goes, “Well, I guess that’s your only option.” I said, “Let me think about it.” She goes, “It’s boarding right now.” I said, “I’ll take it.” She goes, “All right. It’s gate B4.”
So…
[audience laughing]
…immediately I start sprinting. People saw me who saw me run the other way. It’s a humiliating moment. I get on the next flight by an eyelash. I should be grateful, but I’m in the last row, middle seat. That’s all they had. I’m fuming. I start pounding Bloody Marys. Then I start drinking whiskey. Before I know it, I’m pretty drunk. And I tweet something along the lines of, “American Airlines. Decent airline. Didn’t appreciate being called a Jew boy.” Did they actually say this? Look, I didn’t hear it verbatim, but they were incredibly rude. I’m not gonna rule out anti-Semitism. So, I get an email three days later. “We take claims like this very seriously. We’ve conducted an internal investigation. In the meantime, please enjoy 7,500 bonus points.” Which, you know, sure, I made up the Jew boy thing, but, still, 7,500 points for a word that harmful feels like a… a slap in the face. So I responded, “Shame on you, anti-Semites.” They wrote back, “We’ve decided to give you an additional 7,500 points.” I just picture them in the boardroom like, “The N-word is worth 25,000. Um, Jew boy, you have to start low ’cause they will haggle with you. So, you know, that’s, uh…” Yeah. Trying to drink less. It’s… It’s interesting as you get older, right? In my 20s, I would get wasted. I’d wake up the next morning hungover, like, “What did I say to that girl last night?” You know? I wake up hungover now like, “Did I sign up for Paramount Plus last night? What the… And Peacock? Oh, my God. I got… I got hammered.”
I got really drunk at a steak house with my friend recently though, and, uh… You know, a few too many Manhattans. I get back to my apartment. I’m on my phone. What pops up? It’s a little girl with cancer. It’s horrible. I got emotional. I got, like, visibly upset. I was like, “This is messed up. Life is so unfair.” I made a big donation to the charity. And then, I woke up the next morning like, “That is a bit more than I would have given, honestly.” That’s a tough situation. There’s not a lot you can do. “Hello, American Express fraud department? Some piece of garbage stole my card. No, not the steak house. Saint Jude’s Children’s Hospital, that’s… that’s the one I’m trying to contest here.” You know what a guilty pleasure is when you’re drunk? A cigarette. There’s something very old-fashion bad about it. I love it. You gotta respect the cigarette smoker. They are slowly killing themselves. You gotta give ’em a nod. Yeah. Look at the dirtbags in this city. I love it. So, cigarettes, there’s something… [stammers] …I don’t know. Like, they do make the vape people look like pussies, don’t they? There’s something more trustworthy about the cigarettes. You see a detective with a cigarette, he’s gonna find the missing girl. He’s got a vape pen, she’s fucking gone. You know, it’s… And he’s gonna break the news to you while breathing kiwi mango in your face. It’s… It’s a double bummer. [chuckles] I’ll tell you, the AI scares me. The… You know, the artificial intelligence, this new tech, it’s all crazy. They have wheelchairs now that can be driven by neurological impulses. And I’m like, is that good? I can’t control my thoughts. Some guy’s gonna be in a wheelchair like, “That is a hot piece of ass. Wheelchair, no. It’s the… It’s the wheelchair’s fault.” How about sex robots? What do you think? You think you’d do it?
[audience member] No.
Nah? Just me? All right. Guess what. You think you won’t, but you might. I think it’s gonna be like cell phones. Even if you’re broke, you’re gonna be like, “I need a sex robot.” But if you’re really broke, you will get a lower-end model. Like, maybe while you’re fucking it, you get ads. You’re balls deep in the robot, all of a sudden you hear… ♪ Liberty, Liberty, Liberty ♪
[audience laughing, applauding]
But I’m gone a lot. I’m on the road a lot. It is very hard to have a connection with a human being when you’re always connecting through the phone. It’s just not easy to be in a relationship. For years, I remember, I’d meet girls on apps. I met a girl on one of the apps once. In her profile, it said “anti-human trafficking.” Didn’t know we had to announce it, but I’ve never been burned on that one. I’m on date number four like, “Oh, you’re pro-trafficking. Oh, okay. [stammers] Nah, it’s cool.” [stammers] I’m still trying to get laid. “Nah, I like that. That’s very, um, cool.” I’m messaging with this woman. We haven’t even met in person yet, but we’re texting a lot ’cause I’m gone all the time on the road. She’s texting me these very sexual messages, each one crazier than the last. She sends me one at one point, a guy’s getting blown with a finger in his butt, a woman’s finger. And, uh, I was shocked, but, you know, shout-out to in-flight Wi-Fi. It did come through crystal clear, and… Still a shocking text to get at 30,000 feet in the sky. Underneath, she writes, “Do you want this to happen to you?”
So, you know, I meet her for a drink and, uh… I would’ve turned the plane around if I could, but I had to wait a couple days. We’re having drinks. She shows me, on the date, I’d say 157 pictures of her dog. And I was like, different energy than the other day, but that’s okay. But you know, I’m playing along. I was like, “He’s very cute.” And she goes, “That’s it? Can’t you fake it a little bit?” And I was like, “That was me faking it, honestly. Um…” But we get drunker and drunker. And at one point, she goes, uh, “I have a weird fetish.” And I said, “All right.” She goes, “I really like to pee on men.” And I said, “Excuse me?” She goes, “It would make me really wet if I could pee on you.” I said, “I think it would make me pretty wet if you peed on me.” She goes, “Would you let me do that to you?” And I was like… [scoffs] …”Yeah, what the fuck. You only… You only live once. What am I, an elitist?” She starts pointing and laughing at me, and I asked her what the hell’s so funny. She goes, “It was a joke. I was making a joke. I can’t believe you would let someone do that to you. Clearly, that was a joke.” And I was like, “That’s… That’s not a good joke. That’s not standard humor, is… is you fake a fetish, the other person bites, and then you point and laugh and shame them. That’s not… That’s not great.” She goes, “I guess it wasn’t very nice.” I said, “It’s all right.” She goes, “I’m gonna make it up to you.” I said, “Really?” She goes, “Whatever your actual fetish is, I’m gonna do it to you tonight.” And I said, “Anything?” She goes, “Anything.” I was like, “All right. It would really turn me on if we murdered your dog. That’d be cool. Or at least took a pee on your dog. I feel like your dog should suffer for what I’ve been through, is what I think.” [chuckles]
My last s-special, I had a joke that went viral. It was a trans joke. It was a pretty positive joke, but when a joke goes viral, as a comedian, at first you’re like, “Hell yeah.” And then a second later, you’re like, “This could be bad for me. I…” I was watching people weigh in in real time. A lot of them were trans. The first trans person was like, “This is how you do it.” And I was like, “Consummate professional over here. That’s what I do.” The next trans person was like, “This is our guy now.” And I was like, “Uh-oh.” I support. You don’t want me to be the voice of the movement. I’m fairly dumb. The next trans person writes, “He’s my least favorite comedian. And yes, I am familiar with his work.” And I was like, “That last part bothered me, honestly.” He keeps hammering me. “Sam Morril sucks. He’s the worst.” And, you know, I never do this, but I’m bored on the road. I click on the profile. I kid you not, it’s someone who tried to aggressively cancel me in 2013 because she hated my jokes. And yes, I just said she. He used to be a she. Who cares? But every post now is, “Sam Morril’s the worst. He made bad jokes in 2013.” So, finally, I responded and I wrote, “But you know that people can change.”
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, applauding]
“You”… [chuckles] “You were a woman. It’s not possible I’m a slightly different dude? Let’s be fair here. You know?” People get so weird with the trans stuff. How angry people were about the… the partnership Bud Light made with the trans woman, Dylan Mulvaney. I will say this, shame on Bud Light for pretending to be good people. That did… That did bother me. That Bud Light’s like, “Guys, before you guzzle 17 of these and then drive home and sneak into your kid’s room in the middle of the night to beat the shit out of him for no reason, take a moment to stop and celebrate a trans trailblazer. That… That’s what we do at Bud Light.” Anyone who was really pissed that Dylan Mulvaney was on the Bud Light can, get a life. I… I like that she was on the can, personally. I did. Because I would look at it, and when I would find her attractive, I would know that I can’t drive home. So… For me, it provided a service and… Yeah. If you don’t like that one, you’re kind of pro-drunk driving too. So it… You’re in a pickle. It is interesting to see all these streamers all of a sudden become, like, allies. Have you noticed that? Like Netflix, Hulu, whichever one doesn’t buy this next special, they… Whatever group is most marginalized that month, they’re like, “Oh, please enjoy our selection of #EndAsianHate classics, featuring all the essentials.” And you see they have nothing. They’re like, “Uh, Harold & Kumar 2: Escape from Guantanamo Bay. And don’t forget about trans awareness. That’s why we got Mrs. Doubtfire all month long. So…”
Netflix put Dahmer under LGBT, which, I saw that and I was like… [exclaims] You know someone high-up was like, “They’ll appreciate it. You guys know gay icon, uh, Jeffrey Dahmer? Instrumental in the movement.” But then you see companies go the other way with it. Like, Chick-fil-A was the first one I noticed, years ago, out of nowhere, was just like, “We’re against gay marriage.” And I think most people were like, “You make chicken though, right? You didn’t have to say anything. Just a strange thing to announce.” If you wanna break out the social commentary, maybe work it into an ad so there’s context. Like, “We at Chick-fil-A are against a woman’s right to choose unless she’s choosing a spicy chicken biscuit breakfast sandwich, in which case, choose away, ladies.” All right. You guys are a good crowd. You know what? You deserve some abortion jokes.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Yeah. [chuckles] Hey. Hey. You earned it. Some states wanna make abortion a class A felony. You know what else is a class A felony? Kidnapping. Isn’t that crazy? Those people want kids. I say we introduce them to each other a month prior, we save a lot of people a headache. Look, I’m a very spiritual man and… [sighs] …I believe in reincarnation. Yeah, you could tell by my energy, right? I believe in reincarnation. I think if you’re an unwanted, aborted fetus, you will someday come back as that guy at parties where everyone’s like, “He’s here.” Still unwanted, but in a new form. So that’s… that’s fun. Here’s one I might lose some of you on. Why is it always the most pro-life people who are the ones who leave the babies in the hot car? Have you noticed that? Every time, they’re like, “Life is precious, but so is Walmart.” So… You better hope it’s not a Super Walmart, or that baby’s toast. Too many options in the Super Walmart. You walk in like, “I’m gonna get some sporting goods, some groceries, maybe some clothes while I’m here.” Then you get to the baby clothes, and you’re like, “Shit.” You gotta walk up to the register like, “One extra bag, please.”
[audience laughing, cheering]
Yeah, I know. [chuckles] That’s… That one always pisses off the environmentalists. But you can’t be scared as a comedian, you know? You really gotta… [chuckles] I love that I’m getting applause breaks on dead baby jokes in a room that has a chandelier. This venue has history, and I’m like, “You guys wanna hear another dead baby joke?” [chuckles] Oh, yeah. [laughs] [stammers] I do like kids. I have a nephew. He’s a cute kid. The other day he goes, “Uncle Sam, you wanna play a game?” I said, “You got it.” He goes, “All right. Would you rather…” I was like, “Uh-oh.” He goes, “Would you rather get chased by a grizzly bear or have to swim from a shark?” And I was like, “If I had to choose, I guess chased by a grizzly bear.” And he goes, “Well, you’d be dead.” Five years old, these are the games they’re playing. Then he goes, “Your turn.” I was like, “All right. Would you rather be a sex slave to a pedo or get chased by a grizzly bear?” He was like, “Sex slave to a pedo.” And I said, “I think that’s the move for you, because you can bounce back from that, you know?” Smart kid. I have a niece as well. Very young. You hang out with these young kids, you gotta let them pick the movie. So I was like, “Hey, you wanna watch Pulp Fiction or Django Unchained? It’s your choice.” She wanted to watch Sesame Street. Classic. I watched it growing up. I feel like these kid shows, when I was young, though, they felt a bit more escapist. And now even kid shows, they sneak in a political agenda. They sneak it in, but I catch it. One of the Muppets was like, “Leaving home is hard.” The other one goes, “It sure is.” And I was like, “Immigration.” Left-wing propaganda for children. Harder to make a republican kid show, but that’s the one I wanna see, you know? Big Bird is just like, “Look, some of these Muppets come here and they rape our women, and… and I’m scared, and I fear change on Sesame Street.” The news is so upsetting now, with the war, so violent, so much bloodshed. It… It really makes you long for the days of Paul Pelosi getting beat in the head with a hammer. Those were… were simpler times. We didn’t know how good we had it. I was watching Fox News when that story broke, and I have to give them…
[audience member] Boo!
[chuckles] …a lot of credit. [stammers] Person who doesn’t know there’s a joke coming. There’s a… Boo! It’s a comedy show. It’s… There’s gonna be a turn. Where were you on the dead baby chunk? [chuckles] Totally strange. “Boo! I choose odd times to take a stand.”
[audience member] I’m sorry!
[chuckles] I… It’s all right. I’ve never heard a woman say that before. Let me take a second here. Hold on. I gotta… I, uh… [chuckles] I was watching Fox News when the Paul Pelosi story broke, and I have to give them a lot of credit for handling it with a lot of class by immediately coming on and calling him a homosexual. I thought that was very cool. An 80-something-year-old man’s in the ER, his condition’s unknown, Tucker Carlson comes on like, “I think he’s gay. Don’t just take it from me. We have a special expert correspondent.” “Thank you, Tucker. Uh, my takeaway is that…” [imitates gagging] I wish Fox News was around in the 1800s. President Lincoln has been assassinated at the theater. Was Honest Abe being honest with himself? I don’t know. Definitely the first time he took a shot in the back of the head. So, that guy… kinda gay. [chuckles] It is depressing watching the news, ’cause you’re like, “This ain’t gonna be good.” You know? Trump and Biden, it’s pretty depre… [stammers] Objectively, it is funny, if you’re not American. But if you live here, you’re like, “This is unfortunate, for sure.” Trump versus Biden is kind of like a drunk driver versus a guy who keeps falling asleep at the wheel. They’re like, “That guy’s awake.” You’re like, “He’s not. He’s not awake.” The point is, you ain’t getting home. It ain’t good. I was talking to my friend about Trump the other day. He goes, “He’s a malignant narcissist.” And I was like, “What do you mean?” He goes, “He only likes people who like him.” And I was like, “Ah, guess I’m a malignant narcissist. That’s, uh…” [chuckles] If Vladimir Putin tweeted, “You gotta check out the new Sam Morril comedy special,” I think I’d be like, “Look, he is a complicated man. And…”
[audience laughing]
So many of these stories now break on social media, and then you see the comments come flooding in, and you realize how dumb we are. We’re not far from a country getting nuked, and the first comment being like, “Yo, they fucked around and found out.” Instagram is a ridiculous place. You see people at their absolute highest and their absolute lowest. Guess which one upsets you more? It’s the people thriving. ‘Cause someone struggling, you’re like, “Hang in there, buddy.” Then you see another guy, he’s like, “I just got a promotion at work, got the best wife in the world and I love my little girl.” I’m sitting on the toilet hungover, like, “Fuck this motherfucker. You think you’re better than me, dude?” I saw a woman on Instagram doing an ad for a vibrator recently. Not a porn star, just a regular person doing an ad. Had a really subtle name too. I think it was called The Clit Sucker. And, uh, she was like, “Ever since I discovered this little gadget here, my life has really turned around.” The comments were warm and receptive. Not a lot of men doing paid promotional masturbation ads, huh? You’re not gonna see me on Instagram, “Aveeno is the only lotion that makes me come.” Aveeno immediately hits me with a cease and desist. Like, “You gotta… You gotta cut that out.” I’m like, “Sorry, Aveeno.” It’s ’cause women are less creepy than men, so you get to do that. You get paid masturbation-ad privilege. ‘Cause I feel like women masturbate like it’s a nice thing to do, and I masturbate like I got bit by a snake, and I need to get the poison out immediately. I feel like women are in bed like, “I suppose I could.” I’m standing over the sink like, “I’ve got a Zoom call in five. Let’s try to morph back into a human quickly. That would be nice.”
I don’t even judge public masturbators anymore. I’m like, “I think that guy’s late for a meeting, probably. That’s a… That’s a good man.” I do love this country though. I really do. I… I travel. I see a lot of parts that I maybe wouldn’t see if I didn’t do this. And I was recently in, uh, Springfield, Missouri. Fired guns at the range. That’s… That’s not a normal thing for a New York Jew. We don’t do that growing up. The only weapons we really saw, like, maybe a ninja star in Chinatown, but that’s not a great self-defense weapon. But we’re firing guns at the range. It’s pretty cool, you know? Guns are very controversial. They’re a lot like babies. They are easy to hate, but then you hold one, and you’re like, “I kind of get it, dude. It really… It’s pretty cool.” [chuckles] That’s my theory. Guns are like babies, both annoying on airplanes. [chuckles] You date someone new, you find out they have either, you’re like, “This could be a problem for me.” And both will be in a school soon. So, you know… Guys, not all the jokes are happy. Some of them just work mathematically. They’re not… My favorite gun enthusiast is the one who’s like, “It’s for emergencies only.” Then you see his profile pic on social media. He’s like… “Oh, shit.” [chuckles] It’s only for emergencies. You never see a guy who’s holding an EpiPen. Hope it doesn’t come to this, but if I accidentally chew a peanut, I will use this. Not a lot of guns in New York City, which is… is probably for the best. It’s densely populated. The people are pretty unhinged. But they don’t have a gun, you can assume, so you’re like, “I can get some of my anger out. He probably… He’s not carrying.” You know? You use it as, like, fast-track therapy almost. You bump a stranger, and you’re like, “Watch where you’re going, dickhead.” He’s like, “Fuck you, dweeb.” And then you turn to each other as you’re walking away, like, “Good sesh.”
I was on the subway the other day in New York. I accidentally made eye contact with a crazy person. That’s a terrible moment. As a man, that is the closest you come to feeling like a woman in a bar. Like, “Oh, no, we locked eyes, and now he’s coming toward me, which is not what I wanted.” He sits next to me on the train, puts his hand on my leg. There’s nothing you can say. You can’t be like, “Oh, I don’t like that, when people do that. I don’t feel safe right now.” So, I had to get up. I walk away. I put my hand on the pole. He follows me, puts his hand right above mine, so it’s touching. He’s just staring at me. Everyone on the train’s watching, but they’re not watching like they’re gonna help. They’re watching like, “Thank God he chose you. That… That could have been a problem.” The city will eat away at you. It’s… [stammers] You gotta get out of New York every once in a while, because, at a certain point, you just become a lunatic. You’re around these people all the time. And what really upsets me about New York is you can’t really find a yellow cab easily anymore. ‘Cause Uber and Lyft come into town, they kill ’em. 4:00 a.m. comes around. I can’t find a yellow cab. I refuse to take the Ubers or Lyfts. Dudes start rolling up on you in their own car. No affiliation with a car service. Just a guy trying to make a buck, dipping his head out the window, “Where you going?” So, you know, I give him my home address, and, uh, he goes, “$60.” And I’m like, “I’m not paying you $60. It’s two miles.” He goes, “You fucking pussy.” I said, “You’re a lowlife.” He goes, “You loser.” I said, “You’re the loser, you’re driving around alone at 4:00 a.m.” He goes, “You’re a bigger loser. You walk alone at 4:00 a.m.” I said, “I hope your car crashes and it bursts into flames.” He goes, “I hope you get robbed and beaten in the head with a pipe and sodomized.” I go, “Eat shit.” He goes, “Fuck you.” And then we paused, and I was like, “$50.” And he’s like, “All right.” I got in the car and, as he’s dropping me off at home, I tipped him out ten. He was scrappy, you know? But…
Problem is, you gotta get out of New York sometimes ’cause that energy will take years off your life. That constant… [chuckling] …fight-or-flight energy. I was doing a gig in London recently. My girlfriend was like, “Please, after this, can we go somewhere where you’re not doing comedy?” I was like, “You got it. After this, we will go to Greece. I’ll be a normal guy, sitting by the pool in black socks, reading a book about Hitler.” She was like, “All right. That’s as good as it’s gonna get, I guess. I don’t…” We’re going there. What happens as we’re going from London to Greece? First thing that happens, I’m going through security, they take my lube. [chuckles] It was my fault. It was too big a lube. I rolled the dice. I live dangerously. But it was the way he took it. He didn’t say, “I’m taking this.” He loudly went, “I am confiscating your lube.” And I’m not proud of how I responded. I said, “But I need it. Please.” We get there, she’s like, “I am so hungry. I need to eat.” You gotta feed your girlfriends, guys. They don’t know how to do it on their own. They… I don’t know what she does when I’m not around. I think she just says, “I’m hungry,” and… and it just disappears in the air. And she just sits there, cold and starving. I don’t… I’m not trying to generalize, but I do feel like all women, uh… All of you who have ever lived, you get very cranky when you’re hungry. It must be tough to date a woman in a third-world country, I would think. I… I feel like every boyfriend there is like, “This is bullshit.”
We get to a restaurant, in walks a woman with enormous fake breasts, and you better believe I looked. And she was not… [chuckling] …happy. My girlfriend. I don’t think the woman noticed. But my girlfriend goes, “Oh, that’s what you like?” I said, “I wish it were that simple, you know? You’re better than her, but that’s not how it works. You’re a Michelin-star restaurant, but I’m a man. I see a Panda Express, I look.” And then one day you’re alone, that’s all you eat, is Panda Express. And you’re like, “This ain’t good.” Single sex is more thrilling, but it lacks in nutritional value. Relationship sex is boring, but it’s healthier. It’s like a piece of grilled salmon, relationship sex. No one’s jazzed to eat salmon. But you finish it, and you’re like, “Pretty good.” Single sex is Panda Express. You walk in like, “This is gonna be excellent.” The second it’s over, I’m like, “I think I’m gonna commit suicide. I think, uh, I’m a deeply unhappy man, and tonight’s the night I end it all.” The night of the one-night stand, I’m filled with passion. The next morning, it’s a different story. The night of, I’m like, “I’ll move to Cleveland for this chick. I don’t care.” The next morning, I’m like, “If she died, it would have little to no impact on my day-to-day. Just be honest here.”
[chuckles] You ever hook up with someone from another country? That’s a different energy, right? I was with this woman from Argentina. Some stuff is lost in translation when this happens, you know? Like right before we sleep together, she goes “This, I will surely regret.” And I was like, “I wonder what that means.” You know, it’s… it’s so interesting to be around other cultures, but… I had a one-night stand with a woman once. We’re at my apartment. I’m going down on her, and she’s taking her time. And… Not trying to be insensitive. I just… I have a legitimate neck concern, so, you know… The whole time I’m down there, I’m just thinking of all the PT I’m gonna have to do to get back on track. There’s resistance band work. It’s a whole thing. It was at least 22 minutes, because an entire episode of Frasier played in the back. Yeah. And if anyone’s wondering, that show does hold up. Yeah, with my mouth, I was licking. But with my mind, I was like, “Fucking Niles. That guy is a rascal. An OG legend.” And then, like, 30, 35 minutes in, she just went, “I came.” No buildup. No… [imitates moaning] No shaking of the leg. Just a wooden delivery. “I came.”
You ever watching an indie film, and the credits just pop up out of nowhere? I was like, “Did you just No Country for Old Men me with your cooch?” My last breakup, I was very sad. I was very low at a certain point, and… She broke up with me. She touched my arm to console me as she did it, and, uh, I flexed, which, definite low point in my life. Uh, I don’t know if I thought that was gonna change her mind. Like… She’s like, “Wait a second. Can you curl 25 pounds?” I’m like, “I’m getting there. I’ll tell you that much.” Here’s a little break of advice. Never look at an ex’s social media, ever. Don’t do it. Don’t. All my exes, uh, they’re sending me signals. Like, every post is still clearly for me. You know what I mean? Smiling in a wedding dress? Nice try. Sad. Sad when people can’t move on with their life. I was sad after the breakup. My friends were like, “Hey, you gotta get… you gotta get out there. You gotta… You gotta get laid.” And I was like, “Hell, yeah.” I get… I get street when I’m sad. And, uh… But then, that voice in your head is like, “It will make you sad if you do that.” I was like, “Right.” But then, the voice in my head was like, “But you’ll do it.” And I was like, “Of course. Yeah.”
I meet this woman. She’s beautiful, but she’s incredibly vain. She picks out a pretty pricey spot. We go to dinner. While we’re having dinner, she actually says this. She goes, “You know, my last boyfriend, starting quarterback in the NFL. So, you know.” I said, “I know what?” She goes, “That I’m a catch.” I said, “Yeah, ’cause he threw you away, and I caught you. So you are… you’re a catch.” She gave me a look. I said, “You’re very attractive.” She goes, “You’re saying that ’cause you’re trying to sleep with me.” I said, “And you’re pretty smart as well. So, you know, that’s pretty good.” The bill comes, 375 bucks. And she saw it, ’cause I… I angled it. And… We’re back at my place. We’re making out. She stops kissing me for a sec, and she goes, “I don’t wanna be some girl you text your friends about.” I said, “I’m not gonna text my friend Chase about this.” She goes, “Chase?” I was like, “Too specific. You’re not… You’re not supposed to have a name locked and loaded. But that… that’s my recap buddy. Chase.” Everyone here has a recap buddy. It’s… It’s just your horny friend. It’s your friend who’s a little too excited that you got laid. This is how it usually plays out. “Dude, I had sex last night.” He writes back, “Instagram profile, now.” I shoot it over. He writes back, “Hell, yeah.”
And I’m ashamed to say, his enthusiasm fills the emptiness in my life with purpose, so… I continue making out with her. I go to remove her pants. She goes, “There’s something you need to know.” I was like, “That’s not what you wanna hear when you’re taking off pants.” She goes, “I haven’t shaved in a really long time. I’m getting a Brazilian wax tomorrow before my trip to Europe.” And I said, “Well, that is very exciting news for the next fella. I don’t think it’s helping me here tonight in the United States, but thank you for briefing me on the renovation schedule.” She brings a bottle of wine into my bed next, which i… Classic 25-year-old move. This is what I get for bringing home a woman that young. A woman my age would never roll the dice on quality linens with red pinot. It’s amateur hour, but… I usually date more age-appropriate.
My ex was also, uh, you know, younger. When you date a few years younger, your friends always say things like, “Young women, they can fuck all night.” And I’m like, “Cool. I can’t. So…” You know what else young women can do? They can fight all night, and they’re willing to, because they think it matters. I need an older woman with a job that depletes her. That’s what I need. Comes home after the job just grinds her into a nice salt. She just collapses on the couch like, “Don’t talk to me.” And I’m like, “I won’t.” I’m in bed with this woman, she’s got the bottle of wine. I politely say, “Do you mind taking the bottle out of the bed? I’m worried you’re gonna spill it.” She goes, “Yeah, I’m gonna spill it.” The second she says it, dumps it everywhere. I was like, “Ugh.” And then she goes, “They’re just sheets, you pussy.” And I said, “The way you’re disrespecting me right now is really making my dick hard. Good stuff. Keep it up.” Then she grabs me and goes, “I’ll make it up to you.” And I was like, “Respect.”
Female privilege. A move us fellas can’t pull off. I can’t ruin your things and then be like, “Whip out that vag. I know I destroyed one of your belongings, but I figure I finger you for a bit, we’re back on track. I don’t know what the problem is.” By the way, it’s 6:30 a.m. I’m not gonna get laid. It’s fine. I’m washed up, I’m past my prime, it’s a younger man’s game. I lack the patience, the perseverance, the passion. It’s all over for me. [chuckles] Look out the window, I see a jogger, and I was like, “Ugh. You and me both, buddy, fighting the good fight.” A different fight, but a fight nonetheless. 6:38 comes around and, for some reason, she’s coming on to me aggressively. We’re making out. She’s naked. I’m naked. I’m like, “Maybe I’m gonna turn this around, might… Maybe I got one more in me. Who knows?” Out of nowhere, she starts crying. I said, “What the hell happened? Are you all right?” She goes, “I had a breakup too.” I said, “All right, let’s not do this.” And she goes, “But I really, really want to.” I said, “I’m sorry, I’m not comfortable with it.” She goes, “Please.” And I go, “Sure.”
So… We have sex around 7:15 a.m. We wrap up promptly around 7:21. Nothing showy, but nothing to sneeze at neither. And the second it’s over, she goes, “I’m leaving.” I said, “Just spend the night.” She goes, “I’ve seen your comedy. I know you don’t like it when women spend the night.” I said, “They’re just jokes.” She goes, “There’s truth to every joke.” I said, “Sometimes you’re messing around.” And she goes, “I’m leaving.” I said, “Sincerely, I hope you spend the night, a morning, whatever the hell this is. We’ll get six hours of sleep. We’ll get a late breakfast. You might even have a fun day with me tomorrow. You never know.” She looks right at me and goes, “Bye!” And slams the door in my face. And I do a sad, slow pathetic walk back to my bed, and I collapse into the wine-soaked sheets. And I roll over and I text Chase, “I’m back, motherfucker.”
[audience laughing, cheering]
You need your buddies. Everyone, you need your buddies. I was hanging out with a close friend the other day. He’s a gay man. And, uh, you ever hang out with a gay guy so much that their behavior slowly begins to rub off on you? We’re gossiping about a mutual friend, and he goes, “Oh, that guy. I heard he’s got a huge dick.” And I was like, “Really?” Then a few days later with a straight friend, the same guy’s name comes up. I was like, “I heard that guy’s got a massive hog.” And he was like, “Why are you telling me this?” [mutters] Thought that’s what we do now. Thought we’d talk about our friend’s sweet dong. We were talking about HPV, which, by the way, if you don’t have it at this point, get off the bench and get in the game. Really? Found out I… Found I had it years ago. The doctor was like, “You have HPV.” And I was like, “Oh, no!” And he goes, “Who gives a shit? I have it.” I said, “Really?” He goes, “Did you fuck in your 20s?” And I said, “Yeah.” He goes, “Then you have it.” I looked at the nurse, she does this… It’s a direct quote from my doctor. “Did you fuck in your 20s?” I was like, “I’m gonna have to get a better insurance plan next year.” I’ve become buddies with this doctor, ’cause, you know, I don’t have to use the portal with him. I could just text him for information. Like, I… My neck was killing me, and I said, “Hey, can I do kettlebells? They’re gonna agitate the nerve in my neck.” He wrote, “I can’t talk right now. I’m fucking my ex in Italy.” I said, “Well, you wrote that. You could have written yes or no probably, but…” My doctor’s my friend Chase.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, applauding]
I’m gonna tell you a very strange story. So this happened a few months ago. The worst person I ever dated tried to reach out to reconnect with me. [laughs] She’s… She was terrible. This was, like, 17 years ago. A narcissist. A manipulator. Made everything about her. Let’s call her Melinda for the sake of this story. She calls me from a blocked number. I have the same number since I was a kid. So it’s, you know, easy to reach out, I guess. I pick up. I say, “Hello.” She goes, “It’s me.” And I go, “You?” She goes, “Melinda.” And I couldn’t stop my body from going, “Ugh.” It just came out of me. And she goes, “Can you talk?” And I was like, “Oh, it’s a… it’s a bad time.” And she goes, “Well, what about later?” Which is kind of like if a cockroach came from behind the fridge and saw the expression on your face, and was like, “We’ll reschedule.” And you’re like, “Right, that wasn’t the issue exactly, but…” I panic. I hang up. And I will now read you the text exchange between us…
[audience cheering]
…because this is next-level bonkers. “Hey, sorry. It’s Melinda. Again. Can I call you back or something?” Separate text. “Please.” Separate text. “Sam, it’s Melinda.” Separate text. “What time should I call?” Four distinct personalities coming at you lightning fast, huh? I haven’t yet responded. She writes, “I just have a very quick question. Trust me, please.” I don’t. I write, “Text it.” She writes, “I’d rather not. Don’t worry, it’s nothing salacious, like, at all. I promise.” I write, “Text is your only option.” You’ll soon see why I have to go to such lengths to create clear boundaries with her. She writes, “Oy vey. Well, are you available for a few minutes right now? Even if it’s over text?” I write, “Two min max. Any more, I will block you.” She writes, “Block me. Oh, dear. Um, okay, what a strange thing to say to me. But the actual reason I’ve reached out is because you know how you’re performing at Madison Square Garden November 4th?” I headlined the Madison Square Garden Theater November 4th. It’s no…
[audience cheering]
It’s noth… It’s nothing. It’s not… It’s not a big deal. It’s just hard work meets talent and determination. You know, it’s nothing, but… “Well, I’d really love to come. I sent you a message a while back on social media, not sure if you got it. Point/Question is, would you be okay with that? With me coming to your show?” I write, “Wouldn’t make a difference to me. It’s a pretty big venue.” She writes, “That sounds kind of mean. Hmm. I guess I’m not sure why. I just didn’t want to intrude or anything.” Intrude on Madison Square Garden. Like I’m gonna be on stage mid-set like, “Who the fuck is that?” What I do next is passive-aggressive, ’cause I want the conversation to end. I just text her a… a Ticketmaster link…
[audience laughing]
…hoping that’s that. She writes, “Okay, great. Thanks. See you then. Break a leg as usual. Hope to see you, like, actually see you. Anyway, thanks for taking the time. Hope to see you before or after your show.” This is when a normal person would’ve stopped, right? She’s just getting warmed up. “Okay, wait. Which seats do I pick? Which seats, Sam? Let me know.” I write, “They’re all good seats. It’s the world’s most famous arena.” She writes, “Please help me pick. I’m happy to pay top dollar. I’m not good at picking seats.” Separate text. “Please help me pick seats. If you could help me with choosing the seats, I’d really appreciate it. Just let me know how to pay, okay?” No response, followed up with a question mark. I send her another Ticketmaster link. This time to the last row, all the way to the right. They’re the furthest seats from me in the entire venue. She writes, “These aren’t very close.” And I respond, “Neither are we.”
[audience laughing, cheering]
I really, really wish that’s where the story ended. But the big night comes. I’m on stage at the MSG Theater. Things are going well, getting some good laughs. Anytime I do a joke about an ex-girlfriend, though, I hear a voice in the crowd go, “Hey! Hey!” And I’m like, “That’s her stupid voice.” One bad decision 17 years ago haunting me on the biggest night of my career. I play with it. I try to make it as fun as possible without embarrassing her. I get off stage, my agent goes, uh, “That was her, and she was removed.” And you better believe I heard about it the next day.
[audience laughing, cheering]
“Hey, Sam. So I came to your show with Mom. I was so happy to be there and happy for you. When you came on stage, I couldn’t believe it.” You couldn’t believe that I came out? It’s… Every show I have to come out. It’s standard. It’s a contractual breach if I stay backstage. It would be f-foolish business for everyone involved. “When, suddenly, MSG security came up behind me, and the man told me I needed to shut the fuck up. Shocked and upset, I asked for his name, which he said was Paul.” Paul is my agent Mike. I love how committed he is. I also love that he had an alias locked and loaded. It’s amazing to have an agent that runs into the crowd, seeing someone ruin my show, and go, “Shut the fuck up!” And when she said, “Who are you?” He goes, “Paul.” Anyway, the texts go on and on and on. I stopped responding a long time ago. But I… I called my agent, I was like, “Is this a problem?” He goes, “Yeah, this could be a safety issue. We gotta do a background check.” So he did one, and you wanna hear the results? [audience cheering] She’s a working psychologist in New York City.
[audience laughing]
I agree. I love it. I love that there’s a dude in her office, like, “My ex won’t text me back.” And she’s like, “Never stop.”
[audience laughing]
Finding out she’s a psychologist is like finding out Cosby’s on the new season of The Bachelor. Let me… I got to… I got to wrap this up. But let me… let me tell you a story. So, you know, we’ve been on the road hard recently. It’s, you know, me, James, who’s directing this special, directed my last one. Gary, who you’ve seen earlier tonight. My boy, Gary, uh, Gary Vider. And Brian, who you-you guys have met. Brian, my tour manager. So we’re doing a gig in, uh… we’re doing a gig in Baltimore. We’re going from New York to Baltimore. There’s a three-hour delay on Amtrak. I’m in a bad mood. I’m stressed. I might have muttered the word “Nazis” at some point. And then I thought about it. If they were actual Nazis, I’d be on the train, so… The destination would be worse, but as far as we’re talking about transit, I’m getting there on a… a… on a Nazi car. But we get to Baltimore. I’m in a very bad mood. And we usually play basketball to sweat out the booze, or, you know, a big meal. We… We sweat it out. Basketball. But I was like, “Guys, let’s do hot yoga today.”
You guys know Baltimore is known for hot yoga. So, we’re in the class, all four of us, we’re struggling. It’s 30 minutes into a 90-minute hot class. At the 30-minute mark, the instructor recognizes me. She goes, “I see we have a comedian in the class. Does he wanna tell a joke?” I look at Brian like, “Dude, what the hell do I do here?” I’m in downward dog. It’s not ideal, you know? Brian gives me a look like, let me handle this, which I don’t know what that means. And then Brian goes, “I’ll tell a joke.” I was like, “What are you doing?” This is the joke Brian tells a room full of women. It’s an old joke of mine. He goes, “My friend’s girlfriend just had a miscarriage in the shower. And I was like, ‘Oh, my God. Worst baby shower ever.'” Silence. Except for one Black dude in the back, who went… [chuckling] …”Oh, shit.” The instructor goes, “Well, I’m triggered.” I was like, “You think you’re upset? That one usually kills, so…” I turned to Brian. I was like, “Dude, what the heck?” He goes, “It’s your joke.” I said, “Yeah, I don’t open with it. You gotta earn some of these.” The thing about a good miscarriage joke is without a proper delivery, it’s just nothing.
[audience laughing]
Thank you, Boston. You rule.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[no audible dialogue]
[“Reptilia” playing]
This probably won’t make the special, but I’m gonna do it anyway, ’cause I like to do this at live shows.
[audience cheering]
Give me a real problem. I will solve it, and… It’s gotta be real though. It can’t be, like, some bullshit. It’s gotta be a real problem. But I will solve it, and I’ll buy you a drink if it’s a good problem.
[audience member] I need my couch professionally cleaned!
[Sam chuckles]
[audience laughs] Dude, I think you’re looking for, like, a laundromat or so… I don’t know. This is a live comedy show. What are… I meant, like, emotional problems or something. The first guy was good. [chuckles] He was like, “I-I have a furniture issue.”
[audience laughing]
Okay. Either I pissed on it, or someone broke into my house and pissed on it. I’m gonna guess it was you. Ba… Based on your accent.
[audience laughing]
[imitating Boston accent] Someone must have peed on my carpet.
[audience laughing]
[normal voice] I love… It’s such a drunken accent, the Boston accent. [imitating Boston accent] I fucked up my car.
[audience laughing]
It was either me who shit my pants or someone else. I don’t know who.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[cameraperson] Oh, hey, buddy.
What’s up, dude?
[cameraperson] Hey, buddy. I’m sorry.
Buddy, I’m trying to sleep.
[music continues]
[no audible dialogue]
[person shouting, indistinct]
[cameraperson] What do you think, Gary?
Oh, man. That’s my type.
That’s your girl, dude.
Oh, yeah! We’re gonna set you up, buddy! Yes! If the pepperonis don’t curl up like a pug’s tail staring into its butthole,
I want nothing to do with it.
[cameraperson laughs]
Give me back my nose candy, bitch.
No, dude. I’m not gi… What?
Give me back my nose candy, bitch.
What are you doing?
[Gary] I’m gonna shoot you.
[all laughing]
[music continues]
[music ends]
