Lew Goldman…..Billy Crystal
Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson George Carlin.
George Carlin: Thank you, Don Pardo.
Our top story tonight: The crew of the NASA space shuttle Discovery spent their fourth day in orbit posing for television pictures and waving at relatives. However they got a great view of the Earth. As they flew over North America, they learned the results of Tuesday’s election. [shows view of the North America from space drawn like a map of the United States and Canada, with Minnesota is highlighted in red] Kinda makes you feel humble, doesn’t it?
George Carlin: And now, a Saturday Night News commentary.
Pamela Stephenson: Hi, I’m Pamela Stephenson, and I’m new on the show. Um.. I came from England to do “Saturday Night Live”, in fact. Now, I love America. Please don’t get me wrong, but.. well, I have noticed that American men have a fondness.. well, let’s be absolutely frank, okay? They have an absolute obsession about women’s breasts. They seem to have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact with me, and I find it a little disconcerting. So what I thought I’d do is introduce you to my breasts. You know, just sort of point out their various features and invite you men to stare at them for a while, and.. just get that right out of the way so you can start treating me like an intelligent person. [takes off her jacket, revealing her breasts are large and the nipples are sticking out] Okay, so um.. here they are. I admit they’re just a little bit larger than average. I can balance a couple of tubs of Haagen-Daas on them, that’s a clear advantage, but.. um.. [camera zooms in on her breasts, as she points to the right one] This is the right one, and.. [points to the left one] ..this is the left one.. [points to her nipples] ..and of course, they both have.. uh.. well, since I’m on American television, I guess I’d better say they are the customary bumpy things on the end. So, you know what I’m talking about. So, that’s all there is. You can look up now. [snaps fingers at cameraman, signaling for him to pan up to her face] Hi? Hello? Fine, um.. I trust I’ve kinda de-mystified the situation now so you can see me as just what I am – a normal, real person, and I hope, a pal. Okay.. [she doesn’t notice her left breast move slowly up and down] ..now another observation I’ve made about American men is their uncomfortable behavior when they walk small dogs. Sometimes, the size of the dogs to them indicates something about their individual.. [notices her left breast is up – it quickly moves down] ..virility. Most men would rather be seen walking a massive cow than a dog. In fact.. [left breast keeps moving up and down, Pamela holds in down] ..most men who take a small dog for a walk only do so after dark.. [breasts pull her around in circles, screaming, as she is thrown over the desk]
George Carlin: [calling to Pamela] Thanks! Thanks a lot, Pam! I’ll see you later, huh? Maybe we’ll go out for a milkshake!
Well, the race for the 1988 Democratic nominations started last Wednesday, the day after the election. Possibilities include: New York governor Mario Cuomo, who says that as ridiculous as it sounds, an Italian male can run for national office; Colorado senator Gary Hart, who may be hard to beat, unless of course, you’re Walter Mondale; and the perennial possibility, Senator Ted Kennedy, but Teddy says he has as much intention of running as he has of driving his car off a bridge. The Republican possibilities are really interesting: Senator Howard Baker, Senator Robert Dole, Representative Jack Kemp, and Vice President George “Kick a little” Bush. Not a lot of charisma here.
But warming up in the coliseum bullpen, old Ben-Hur himself, Charlton Heston, who plans to start out by running for the senate in 1986. Political consultants say Heston is the perfect replacement for Ronald Reagan. He’s from California, he’s an aging actor, and he too worked with monkeys in The Planet of the Apes. That’s not all. Charlton Heston was Moses, remember? He led his people out of Egypt, parted the waters of the Red Sea, received the Ten Commandments, and delivered his sermon on the mountain. And his slogan is, “Let’s win one for the altar cocker.” But don’t forget a lot depends on who he picks for vice president. Right now it’s a toss-up between Robert Cummings and Buddy Ebsen. Right now I’m willing to just wait and see.
George Carlin: Controversy his risen regarding the distribution of tax dollars toward medical research, specifically which programs received the aid and which programs are virtually ignored. Here to comment on this is Saturday Night News corresponder Gary Kroger.
Gary Kroeger: [Painfully] Thank you, George. I would like to call attention to a disease called “spot bleeding”. Now that is when your chest starts to bleed in five or six different places, and the pain is unbearable. And yet nothing is being done about this. I am uniquely concerned because.. [pulls off jacket, revealing his shirt has several small blood stains] ..I am a spot bleeder. [writhes in pain] Millions of dollars are spent on cancer research and related projects which is fine, but no one in the medical community is doing anything about spot bleeding! There are no research foundations, nothing in medical journals, and I demand an explanation!
George Carlin: Gary, can I ask you something?
Gary Kroeger: Yeah.
George Carlin: Is that a brand new shirt?
Gary Kroeger: Yeah, why?
George Carlin: You have to take the pins out of it before you put it on.
Gary Kroeger: [Realizing he didn’t take out the pins] Oh.
George Carlin: The straight pins. You have to take them out first.
Gary Kroeger: [embarrassed, removes shirt pins where the blood stains are] This is rather embarrassing..
George Carlin: You’re a moron, Kroger. Back to the news.
This morning, officials at the state department and the Pentagon are denying rumors that the United States is planning to invade Nicaragua. President Reagan could not be reached for comment; he’s holed up in his ranch in Santa Barbara trying to memorize his lines for his next term of office.
George Carlin: And now, to tell us what’s happening in the world of sports, here is the inimitable Lew Goldman.
Someone in the Audience: Lew! Lew!
Lew Goldman: Shut up, you idiots! Where are you, at Yankee Stadium? Huh? [clears throat ] Put a jacket on! And now, here is the sports report just for my family:
For my sister Rose in Miami, the Dolphins are playing the Eagles, and you shouldn’t worry, Rose. Miami will win again. They keep winning because they’re afraid to get the old people upset. [clears throat] My prediction: [prediction appears on screen] Philadelphia, you should live so long!
For my son Lester, an orthodontist who lives in Washington, and makes more money than God, but can’t go to the Redskins game this weekend because he has a virus, which is not surprising, because orthodontists spend half their life with their face in somebody’s mouth, my prediction: [prediction appears on screen] Detroit, I’m nauseous from you already!
[clears throat] And for my other son, Stanley, the bigshot, who moved to Kansas City.. [points at his head, indicating craziness] ..where his in-laws have him wrapped around their pinkies, my prediction: [prediction appears on screen] Stanley will not come home for Thanksgiving.
And finally, here in New York, the Giants are playing Tampa Bay. My prediction: [prediction appears on screen as “Who cares? What’s so important?”] Who cares? They moved to New Jersey! What the hell am I, ten years old? I got to go to a game? [clears throat] Enough of this sports stuff! I hate it!
George Carlin: Thank you, thank you, Lew.
Lew Goldman: What?
George Carlin: That’s the news. Good night.