Rowan Atkinson Live (1992) – Transcript

Filmed in Boston, Massachusetts, at the Huntington Theatre, on 12 December 1991, this show features Rowan Atkinson performing a series of comedy sketches before a live audience. Aired on HBO on 1 March 1992 as Rowan Atkinson: Not Just Another Pretty Face. The tv broadcast was marketed on video as Rowan Atkinson Live.

Filmed in Boston, Massachusetts, at the Huntington Theatre, on 12 December 1991, this show features Rowan Atkinson performing a series of comedy sketches before a live audience. Aired on HBO on 1 March 1992 as Rowan Atkinson: Not Just Another Pretty Face. The TV broadcast was marketed on video as Rowan Atkinson Live.

* * *

A Warm Welcome

[Scene: A stage bathed in mist and flashing blue/white lights. Red Lights can be seen in the background. We can hear the sounds of screaming and thunder.]

[Rowan enters from the back of the stage, wearing a red smoking jacket, white shirt, black trousers and horns. He is the Devil. He holds a clipboard.]

[As he reaches the front of the stage, the “lightning” stops and all the lights go red]

Devil: Ah hello… nice to see you all here. Well, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is hell. And I am the Devil.

[pauses and nods to right side of audience]

Good evening…. But you can call me Toby if you like. We try and keep things informal here…. as well as infernal.

[turns to clipboard]

Umm… that’s just a little joke. I tell it every time.
Now you’re all here for eternity.. oooh, which I hardly need tell you is a HECK of a long time. So you’ll all get to know each other pretty well by the end but for now I’m going to have to split you into groups and would you stop screaming?!

[screaming FX stops]

Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here please. Thank you.

[throughout this bit he makes appropriate gestures, pointing out to various points around the stage and audience]

Looters and Pillagers over here. Um, thieves if you could join them.. and.. Lawyers you’re in that lot as well.

Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! I think I’ll split you into adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner.

Hmmm… the French are you here? Yes. If you’d just come down here with the Germans… I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about.

Okay,, ummm,,, Atheists? Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

And finally… Christians. Christians? Ah, Yes I’m sorry, I’m afraid it turns out the Jews were right.

Okay right, well… are there any questions? Yes?
No, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. If you’d read your bible you might have seen that it was “damnation without relief”. So if you didn’t go before you came then I’m afraid you’re not going to enjoy yourself very much. But I believe that’s the idea.

[gestures off stage at unseen person]

Well, it’s over to you Adolph. And I’ll catch you all later at the barbecue.. Bye.

[Exit Rowan as stage fades to black]

* * *

Fatal Beatings

[Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for himself and his visitor]

HEADMASTER: Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud.

HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired.

PERKINS: Oh dear.

HEADMASTER: He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

PERKINS: Dear me.

HEAD: Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled.

[long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.]

PERKINS: I beg your pardon?

HEAD: Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear.

PERKINS: He’s dead?

HEAD: Yes… he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green. And it’s very typical of his current attitude.

PERKINS: [shocked] But…

[Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins]

HEADMASTER: You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable. And beginning to smell.

PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!?!

HEADMASTER: Is that important?

PERKINS: [incredulous] Yes, I think so!

HEADMASTER: Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system…

[Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks up one of the library cards]

PERKINS: Wait… I’m sorry…. You BEAT my son to death?

HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced….

PERKINS: Well, exactly what happened?

HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books.

PERKINS: No, during the beating!

HEADMASTER: Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was lying down…


HEADMASTER: Ummm… deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing.

[stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins]

HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from.

PERKINS:Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?!

HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear. I wondered then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on.

[Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to “get medieval” on the Headmaster]

PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?!

HEADMASTER: I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

[a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door]

PERKINS: This is preposterous!

HEADMASTER: Yes it is. Or at least it would be… if it were true.


HEADMASTER: I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg.

[Mr. Perkins sighs with relief]

HEADMASTER: I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!

* * *

And Now, From Nazareth, The Amazing…

[Setting: Inside a Church. Rowan is standing at a podium, in a priest’s robe and scarf. A little organ fanfare plays as he walks to the podium]

And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee.
And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, “They have no more wine”. And Jesus said unto the servants “Fill six water pots with water.” And they did so.
And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not whence it had come. But the servants did. And they applauded loudly in the kitchen.

And they said unto the Lord, “How the Hell did you do that”?!?! And inquired of him, “Do you do Children’s parties”? And the Lord said, “No”.
But the servants did press him, saying “Go on. Give us another one.”
And so he brought forth a carrot. And said “Behold this, for it is a carrot”. And all about him knew that it was so. For it was Orange.
With a Green Top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it. And lo, he held in his hand…a white rabbit.
And all were amazed and said “This guy is really good! He should turn professional!”

And they brought Him, on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy.
And they cried unto him, “Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy”. And the Lord said “If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I’d be pretty sick of the palsy too!” And they were filled joy and cried out, “Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer”.

And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed. And Jesus said unto her “Put on a tutu and lie down in this box”. And took he forth a sword, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said, “Oh ye of little faith”. And he threw open the box, and lo, Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely Bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow.
And he said unto her “From now on, you shall be known as Trixie. For that is a good name for an assistant”.

And the people said unto him “We have never seen anything like this.
You shouldn’t be wasting your time in a one-camel town like Cana.
You should be playing the big arenas in Jerusalem.” And Jesus did harken unto their words. And he did go unto Jerusalem. And he did his full act.
Before the scribes and the Pharisees and the Romans. But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they absolutely crucified him.
Here ends the lesson.

* * *

Invisible Man

[Setting: A subway train. Rowan sits on a bench, representing seats on the subway. Lights on a large projection screen in the back of the stage, suggest the motion of a subway, as does the background sound.]

Announcer: And now, in the latest of our series, “A Day In the Life”, we present A Day In The Life of the Invisible Man.

[Rowan enters the stage and sits down]

INVISIBLE MAN: Every morning, I go to work by subway. Very soon however, I get bored and decide to start annoying other passengers. I usually select the most respectable looking person I can find and blow gently into his left ear.

[Rowan looks around to his left]

Then, into his right ear.

[Rowan puts a hand to his right ear and then looks at direction]

Then perhaps down the back of his neck.

[Rowan grasps his collar and raises a hand, feeling for a draft]

It’s about this time that the man thinks I am a draft.

[Rowan puts his hand down]

But not for long. For I soon stick two fingers up his nose.

[Rowan looks on the verge of sneezing as the man does this]

Higher and higher! Removing them just before he sneezes.

[Rowan sneezes, looking quite embarrassed]

Then I start to manipulate some other limbs.

[Rowan’s arms begin slapping himself silly.]

Now I leave him alone. For about 10 seconds.

[Rowan’s right leg goes into the air, then his left, ending with Rowan being spread legged and quite vulnerable]

And when he is at his most vulnerable, I kick him in the groin.

[Rowan makes an appropriate scream, and hops to his feet, looking at the imaginary people around him in astonishment. He then tries to sit back down.]

And steal his seat.

[Rowan sits down then jumps as if having sat on someone. He then takes the seat next to it and the elbows the Invisible Man. We hear the Invisible Man scream as Rowan sticks his tongue out at him.]

* * *

The Good Loser

[SCENE: Typical Awards Show Stage Any stage with a nice podium and curtain in the background will work. A male Presenter walks out]

PRESENTER: Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year. And the nominations for this year are… Al Pacino for Death of a Salesman… Kenneth Branagh for Richard III

And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play, Stench by Harold Bartworthy; And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter and David Falbert in the role of Mr. Gamet.

[as the Presenter reads each name, a picture of each actor appears on the screen, except for the last David Falbert (Rowan), who is there for the ceremony and sitting in the audience.]

PRESENTER: Now, these are four fine actors and I’m sure they all agree that the point is not to win, but to play the game….And the winner is… John Daniels!


PRESENTER: Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight. So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf. David?

[Reluctantly, David gets up from his seat and makes the long walk up to the Presenter. He then snatches the trophy (which looks oddly like a large stylized drinking glass) away from the Presenter and begins to make his way back to his seat. He stops on the first step as the Presenter speaks]

PRESENTER: David? David! Perhaps you’d like to say a few words?

[David looks as if he only has two words to say, but he does walk up to the podium]

DAVID: Thank you Vanessa.

Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close personal…. acquaintance, John Daniels. John cannot unfortunately accept it himself because he is in Hollywood… staring in his first major film role… with Meryl Streep. I am however, NOT in Hollywood, not having been offered even a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie!

[David pauses to admire the trophy]

DAVID: But what a delightful object it is that John has won. Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself….. when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco.

So what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? Well, I think we all know the answer to that one…. syphilis! And what a great and heart warming thing it is….. that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors.

Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London’s famous West End on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor.

What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos, awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened, because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s LATEST rearrangement of “Puccini’s Greatest Hits”!

Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me and I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped, in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon.

* * *

With Friends Like These (aka Wedding from Hell)

NARRATOR: Did you ever have one of those days when everything seemed to go wrong? I did. Unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to blame. It started with the priest

[Lights rise on Rowan, who is in a black shirt with priest’s collar, white jacket and black trousers. He is holding a bible. A small makeshift altar lies in the background]

PRIEST: I now pronounce you Man and Wife. Well done. You may now kiss the bride.

[after a few seconds, he whispers to invisible Groom]

Nice one. All right, please be seated everybody. I would just like to say a few words before communion. You know, a lot of perspective brides ask me these days, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?”

[The priest idly plays with a Communion Wafer]

And I tend to reply by telling a little story about the first time I was asked that question.

[The priest absently takes a bite from the wafer and then dips the uneaten half in the chalice of wine, finishing it off, during the next bit of dialogue.]

It was a couple of years ago now… and the young, attractive bride-to-be came up to me after a service and asked just that question, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” And I replied, “Well you know, Joanne, I’d like to tell you. But unfortunately I don’t know what Felattio is.” And so she showed me.

And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” I always reply “Well you know, I’d LIKE to tell you. But unfortunately I don’t know what Felattio is.”

[Lights dim]

ANNOUNCER: Next, came my trusted best man

[Lights raise on Rowan, this time in a white shirt with a tie]

BEST MAN: Um.. right right right. Um.. ah… Ladies and gentleman and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party. How did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste?

[gasps laughs nervously]

Well, umm… umm… Just before I left the house this afternoon I said to myself that the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And so sure enough, when…when I left the house…

[Rowan idly pulls something from his pocket. It’s a pair of ladies’ knickers. He quickly replaces it. He says Woo in relief, thinking nobody noticed the incriminating evidence.]

Um.. ah…. the last thing I did, yes you guessed it, was to forget my speech. So it’s all ad-libbed I’m afraid. Umm.. Umm.. ah….

[Rowan ums and ah’s ad infinite, doing a nervous tic on each um and ah. He should look as nervous and drunk as possible]

Right. Well.. Now.. where should I begin? I’d like to begin.. now [nervous laugh] Ah. Right.. Well I’ve known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight. And you know he hasn’t changed a bit. Umm.. well, that’s not quite true, of course. He didn’t have his beard then. [nervous laugh] And I’ll tell you this, he’d never have been able to do whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary…. extraordinary…. um….

Extraordinary how little people change, isn’t it? Although I know that I’ve changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass! Always blurting things out when I shouldn’t. For instance, this afternoon I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to resist mentioning the BIZARRE sight that greeted my eyes when I opened this man’s bedroom door earlier this morning and…. Um… yes.. but.. enough of that. He’s started making gestures at me now, which I think means he wants me to CUT my speech short.

So, suffice to say, I think he’ll make a ripping husband. And I think his wife’s ripping too. And I can only hope that.. that the dress will hold out [laughs nervously] So I’d like to propose a toast, to go with the pate [nervous laugh] To the groom and his lovely horse.. uh… wife. [nervous laugh] It’s all starting to come back to me now… [laugh] and I just know their marriage will be as happy and satisfied as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning. Cheers!

[Lights dim]

ANNOUNCER: And finally, my loving father-in-law provided the perfect end to the perfect day….

[Lights raise on Rowan, wearing a light blue jacket with his previous costume. He looks grouchy and hungover. A mean drunk if ever there was one]

F.I.L: Ladies and Gentleman and Friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity, schloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin.

As far as I’m concerned. my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible… wealthy? Let’s not deny it…. well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question… why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?

Because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick. If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap… and I think they can… then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. I think he is the sort of man people immigrate to avoid.

I remember the first time I met Gerald. I said to my wife… she’s the lovely woman propping up that horrendous old lush of a mother of his… either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived. As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals I have ever had this misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog!

I would like to propose a toast…. to the caterers. And to the pigeon who crapped on the groom’s families limousine at the church. As for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can sod off! I wouldn’t trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat!

* * *

Pink Tights and Plenty of Props

[Scene: A Stage in an acting classroom. A professor enters from the back of the stage and sits at a desk at far stage right]

Right. Good morning everyone. Settle down now, please. Now, as you may know we were hoping to have Mr. Jeremy Irons with us this morning, talking to us about Acting in the Cinema. Unfortunately, Mr. Irons has had to cancel due to an unforeseen awards ceremony. But I have been able to procure the services of a local actor, Mr. Bernard Huffer, who was luckily not busy. It is my pleasure now, to read for Mr. Huffer as he illustrates his own lecture on Shakespearean acting entitled “The Actor’s Art”.

[Rowan enters from behind a screen on Stage Left. He puts down a throne-like chair with a crown on it. He is wearing TIGHT sky-blue tights that leave little to the imagination. After a minute of laughter, he modestly clasps his hands over his naughty bits and then tries to pull his turtle neck down to cover the offending area.]

“The Actors Art” by Bernard Huffer.

[Rowan begins to do stretching warm-up exercises which he stops as the Professor glares at him. He comes to sit in the chair and put the crown atop his head]

At the center of the Elizabethan world, sits the King. Upon the character of the King depends the plot and so there are many kinds of Kings. The Benign King…

[Rowan sits, legs crossed, making a swirling motion with his finger as he regards invisible subjects and smiles]

The Benign King with a physical defect…

[Again, Rowan makes the generous gestures, but his right leg becomes stiff and stuck in the air]

The Mad King…

[Rowan makes a crazy face, while circling his finger by the side of his head, the traditional crazy sign]

The Evil King.

[Rowan slinks down in his chair, shaking his fist angrily as villain music plays.]

The Evil King hatching a plot.

[Rowan wiggles his eyebrows deviously]

The Mad King hatching an egg.

[Rowan pretends he is sitting on an egg and then looks down and lifts up. He then cracks the egg and starts cooking it in an imaginary frying pan until the professor starts glaring at him again. He quickly gets up, removes the crown, and moves back to the screen.]

An important part was also played by messengers, distinguishable into many types. The Messenger Enters Bearing Good News…

[There is a fanfare as Rowan walks in cheering and unrolls a scroll. He then exits behind the screen]

The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News…

[Rowan sneaks in to a quiet fanfare. He moves behind the throne, places an imaginary scroll on the ground, moves behind the throne, taps the imaginary king on the shoulder, and quickly sneaks back behind the screen]

The Messenger Enters Bearing Indifferent News…

[Rowan enters to a flat-noted fanfare. He hands the scroll around, looking quiet bored, seeing if anybody wants it. He then puts the scroll on the ground and points at it. He continues to point at it as he advances behind the screen. In fact, he reaches up over the top of the screen to point at it once he is there.]

The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News Which He Thinks Is Good News…

[Rowan enters to the bright fanfare. He unrolls the scroll and double takes as he reads it. Quickly, his eyes scan over the news as he rolls it back up, smiles, and then tries to run to the screen. He is hit by something in the back, and staggers about yelling in pain.]

Death came swift and often in this brutal world.

[Rowan falls to his knees dramatically, and then just gets up and walks to the screen]

Death could come at the hands of a total stranger.

[Rowan comes out, walks around, pulls an imaginary dagger, and stabs an invisible person. He walks to the screen edge, glances back at the corpse, shrugs with indifference and then heads back behind the screen]

Or it could come at the hands of one’s closest friend.

[Rowan emerges from behind the screen smiling. He hugs an invisible person, letting an imaginary knife slide loose from his sleeve. He is about to backstab the person when they stab him in the stomach. He moans in pain and falls to his knees. Spoiling the drama, he hops back up and goes back to his screen.]

Poison was particularly popular, applied to the frothing cup of ale of the unsuspecting victim. First we look at the simple poisoning kill.

[Rowan holds a mug which he gestures with to unseen friends. He then drinks from the mug and falls to his knees making a vomiting sound. He quickly takes the cushion from the throne and covers the fake stain with it]

And then, the Villain attempting to use poison.

[Rowan shakes some imaginary poison into the mug as the villain music plays. He stirs it first by shaking the mug and then with his finger. He absently licks his finger and nods with approval before making the vomiting noise and falling to his knees]

But in the end all of these are merely devices, amounting to nothing whatsoever without the plot. At the center of the plot lies the hero, who is King.

[Rowan gallops out wearing the crown and assumes a heroic stance as the fanfare plays]

He has a twin brother.

[Rowan removes the crown as a different fanfare plays]

Who is a villain.

[Rowan slouches down and shakes his fist as the villain music plays]

With a physical defect.

[Rowan raises the middle finger on the fist he shakes]

War comes and the hero must lead his men into battle.

[Rowan wears the crown and gallops back behind the screen]

At the gates, the hero’s mistress waits to bid her lover farewell.

[Rowan emerges wearing a mop top on his head. He curtsies, looks about timidly and then gives a gentle kiss to the air, rubs the tears from his eyes and moves behind the screen.]

And the villain’s mistress bids her lover farewell also.

[Rowan curtsies, and glances about as before. This time however the mistress slips out of her gown , sticks her tongue out and then does “push-ups” for two seconds before running to get out professor’s glare.]

The war rages on for many years.

[Dramatic music plays as Rowan backs away from the screen, swinging a sword about and then pushes forward.]

Until at last the messenger arrives with the bad news of the death of the hero.

[A quick fanfare plays as Rowan’s hand appears from behind the screen and just drops the imaginary scroll, the messenger being wise enough not to enter the room]

So the villian becomes king.

[Rowan emerges with the crown in villain mode, complete with raised digit and Richard III hunched back]

But the message was wrong. And years later, the hero returns.

[Rowan gallops out and around from the left side of the screen, looking heroic and good]

In disguise.

[Rowan clasps one hand across his face]

Revealing his identity to the audience with a serepticious wink.

[Rowan looks right at the audience, his visible eye looking as thought it will pop out if the bugs it out anymore]

But his brother the villain recognizes him and they fight!

[Rowan alternates between the parts, the villain swinging wildly with the sword and the hero merely wiggling his wrist]

Finally, the villain is mortally wounded. He dies…

[Rowan makes one stab as the hero, slips the crown on and goes into a dramatic death moan as he sticks the plastic sword into himself falling to his knees.]

… In character.

[Rowan raises his middle thing in the direction of the professor and mutters in a deep, dying voice. “Ah, ya bugger!”]

Our hero wins his rightful throne and celebrates with frothing cup of ale, found by the side of his Brother’s throne.

[Rowan takes his place on the throne, dons the crown and takes a sip from an imaginary cup. He clutches his chest as if poisoned and glances at the Professor who glares at him again. Rowan waves it off and looks quite health, until he suddenly makes a vomiting noise and falls to his knees from the chair again]

* * *

No One called Jones

[Setting: Rowan stands at a classroom podium, a stern teacher]

Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit. Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup. Come on, grow up please. Genital. I’m sorry, Genital. Herpes. Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick don’t you?

Jaculation. Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you’d like to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you?

Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyoursh. Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent.

Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. All members of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humor and puerile innuendo about the school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out!

There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories. Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found. If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven’s sake, leave Yourprick alone! I don’t care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place.

I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret. So there will be an end to this second form toilet humor where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick, detention Saturday. Right, I’m going to the staff room now, and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday, then there’ll be trouble!

Transcribed by Matt Morrison
From Brit Skits at


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