Katt Williams: Woke Foke (2024) | Transcript

Telling truths and spilling secrets, comedy legend Katt Williams lets loose in this no-holds-barred stand-up special.
Katt Williams: Woke Foke (2024)

[hip-hop music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[hip-hop music continues playing]

[announcer] Live from Inglewood, California, you’re about to witness the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams!

[audience cheers and applauds]

[hip-hop music continues playing]

[audience cheers]

[Katt] Okay. Okay, stop.

[hip-hop music stops]

[Katt imitates trumpet sound]

Okay. Okay, uh…

[air horn blares] [audience cheers] Yeah, uh… [Katt laughs] [audience cheers] You bitch, you.

[air horn blares]


[man 1] Let’s go!

[woman 1] I love you, Katt! I think…

I think everybody knows that, uh…

[woman 1] I love you! …I only do my specials in places that’s motherfucking special to me, and should be special to the world, and, uh…

[audience cheers and applauds]

It was ’99 and the 2000s, and I was in this Inglewood at the Hollywood Park Casino for $100 a week. And God brought me, 24 Kobe years later, bam, live, right here in motherfucking Inglewood. [crashing] God really is the greatest. Okay. All right.

[woman 1] I love you, Katt! Thank you, nice lady. [audience laughs] I can hear good pussy through a whole crowd. You hear how I did that? I didn’t even stop. I know it’s live, but the truth is the truth. [audience laughs] So glad we got everybody here. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise. White people?

[audience cheers]

Oh. Thank y’all so much. Where’s all the Hispanics? Where’s mi familia in the building?

[air horn blares]

[audience cheers]

[Katt] Mmm-hm. [audience laughs] That is tasty. Buenos noches. [audience laughs] Where’s all the Black people in the building? Make some noise, Black people.

[audience cheers]

[banging] [crashing] I am not worthy, n*ggas.

I appreciate you.

[woman 1] Yeah! What a blessing. That’s the best part of this whole thing, is the fact that the people that like me happen to be some of the smartest, best-looking, funniest people in the whole world. And there’s nothing I could do to say thank you enough. Okay.

Let’s get right to it.

[woman 1] Okay.

[audience laughs]

I tried to be incognegro, but thanks to Shannon Sharpe’s loudmouth ass… [audience cheers] …the gig is up. Everybody knows I’ll tell. But I don’t do no snitching. [audience laughs] Y’all know my job. In my spare time, I infiltrate the Illuminati. [audience laughs] Look for they secrets, run back… [audience laughs] …tell y’all. [audience laughs] And they’ll kill me if they could, but I’m too fast, and the Lord keep blessing me. Yep. Mm-hm. That’s the truth. So, now understand that sometimes, when you hear me talk, I’m telling real secrets that should not be out there.

[woman 1] That’s right.

But that’s just what the fuck I gotta do. [audience cheers] Sometimes, when I find out a secret, it ain’t even for the rest of the world. It’s just for me. For example… [audience laughs] Look at the people that love me. “Don’t do it, Katt. It’s live.”

[man 2] Do it, Katt!

[woman 2] Do it! My whole life, I knew pussy was one of the greatest things…

[man 3] Yeah!

…in the whole universe. Because every group of people agrees. On everybody’s list, “pussy” is way the fuck up here. All over the globe. What I wanted to know…

[man 4] Not in Georgia.

[audience laughs]

That n*gga said, “Not in Georgia.” [audience laughs] Yikes! Sir, this is live. [audience laughs] You could’ve just said a southern state. [audience laughs] I already told them they’re the best audience ’cause we the smartest. And I gotta share the information. Don’t let the devil distract you. I was telling you how good pussy is in the whole universe. I wanted to know how did blowjobs get to be number two in the whole universe? Everybody agrees. This is what I found out. You ain’t gonna believe this shit. And you ain’t gotta take my word for it. You can test it out yourself. I found out the reason blowjobs is number two across the whole universe is there is a God, and he love you so much, he put pussy skin inside your mouth. [audience laughs] You don’t believe me? [in high-pitched voice] Test it out for yourself.

[audience laughs]

[in normal voice] That damn sure is pussy skin. [audience continues laughing] Ladies, whatever it feel like in there, that’s you. [audience laughs] Was it wet and delicious in there? That’s you. But if it was dry and crusty in there… [imitates gagging] …almost cut your tongue, that’s what it is. I’m just telling you, I know the secrets. I could tell them when I can fucking tell them. But I needed my people to know it was some shit going on that people was not fucking talking about. And we need to talk about this shit. They can’t threaten me. I’m already scared.

The fuck?

[audience laughs] I’m just saying there’s a whole new world out there right now. They doing some shit right now today they have never been able to do in history. They changing up our words while we still using the words. They just change them. Twenty years ago, “washed” meant you was fresh and clean. Today, if they say you are washed, n*gga, you are out of there. [audience laughs] It is not the same. Some words they just say and don’t have no explanation. All the women in the world know what toxic masculinity is.

[woman 2] Whoo!

They’ll tell you about it. “See, that’s toxic masc…” Hey, you shut the fuck up, bitch. [audience laughs] You don’t know nothing about masculinity. First of all, there ain’t a bunch of masculinities, bitch.

It’s just one, and it’s toxic.

[audience laughs] The opposite of toxic masculinity is femininity, motherfucker. What the fuck? They’ll just change words. They want me to be mad at “woke.” I’m not finna change woke. You not gonna act like that’s a bad word. What the fuck you mean? “It’s so political.” It is not fucking political, bitch. The fuck? The last time I checked, “woke” was the opposite of “sleep,” motherfucker.

Look it up!

[audience laughs and cheers] You not finna change the words for me. It’s a whole new world out there. There’s some shit going on they won’t tell you about, ’cause they don’t know how the fuck you’ll respond. I’ll fucking tell you. Here’s the fucking truth. Some of y’all not gonna believe this shit. This is the greatest time to be alive in all of human history. And you are living in it.

[audience cheers]

Look at the people with depression.


[audience laughs] That’s right. If you got depression or anxiety, tell your depression to “shut the fuck up, bitch.” [audience laughs] “This is not the time for that.” This is the greatest time to be alive, wherever you are right now. Not a hundred years ago, not a thousand years ago. Right now. For the first time in history, you can change some shit. You can fix some shit. You ain’t got to take nobody’s word for nothing. Not even God’s word. Yeah. God made you. He thought you was beautiful.

But you think you ugly.

[audience laughs] Well, guess what?

You win, bitch!

[audience laughs] You can take your whole nose off and put another nose on there. You still gonna be ugly. [audience laughs] It’s a new day and age. You can fix some shit. Are you a short, fat man?

You don’t have to be.

[audience laughs] You got enough money, you could be a tall, ugly bitch in three-and-a-half weeks. [audience laughs] If you go to the right islands and get the right procedures. It’s a new day and age. You can do anything. You could do something even if it’s a bad idea. Like playing blind football. [boy] We already know we’re gonna win. [reporter] It’s that kind of confidence that continues to amaze people who watch Dylan play because he’s doing all of this blind. [Dylan] You know, I can’t see, and a lot of people think that a blind person can’t play football. [reporter] But this courageous youngster has proven those people wrong. [heavy metal music playing] ♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ What’s going on? ♪ ♪ What’s going… ♪ [music stops, audience laughs] I just wanted y’all to see that with me. Uh…

[woman 3] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I am so conflicted.

[audience laughs]

I’m conflicted. First of all… let me make this very clear. I hope none of my blind fans see this… [audience laughs] …and take it out of context. It’s not what it looks like. I’m conflicted. ‘Cause number one, I am for blind people’s rights. Blind people should be able to do whatever the fuck they want to do. But I’m conflicted. I mean, can you play blind football? You goddamn right you can. But should you play blind? Hell, fuck, no! [audience laughs] I don’t like it. I don’t like it for him. He can’t win. [audience laughs]

[man 5] Oh, my God.

[laughs] Do you understand that he don’t even know… if he on the field or not? Do you understand that? That sometimes in his regular life, people just knock the shit out of him? Don’t nobody say sorry or nothing. I’m saying, maybe… if they let him play one game. [audience laughs] They had him out there playing the whole goddamn season. [audience laughs] It was terrible. They was playing Black schools.

[man 5] Oh, damn!

[laughs] It was awful. He out there on defense trying to listen for n*ggas. [audience laughs] These n*ggas ain’t shit. They played the whole game. They didn’t make no noise at all. [audience laughs] They using hand signals and shit. [audience laughs] It was fucked up. Ain’t run no plays for him. They just hand him the ball. Send him in the parking lot. [triumphant music plays] [music stops] All I’m saying, it’s a new day and age. Superhero shit happens every fucking day. You don’t have to take no excuse. Are you a weak, fragile man?

[man 6] Hell, no!

[audience laughs]

See, that man’s testosterone level’s through the roof. He couldn’t wait to tell you that. “Hell, no!” [audience laughs] And we don’t mean to shame if there are any weak or fragile men. We don’t mean to shame you. But understand, you don’t have to take no for an answer. You could tuck your penis and go in the game with some real women and whoop the shit out of them if you want to.

[audience laughs and groans]

It’s in the real news. Take that down before they try to cancel me for telling the truth.

[audience laughs and applauds]

That’s right. They talk about the transgenders foul too hard. That’s fucked up. It’s so politically correct, it ain’t even correct no more. The poor ref don’t know what the fuck to say. He got all the ladies in a circle. Anything he say wrong gonna get him fired and canceled. He just… “Now, listen here, ladies.” [audience laughs] “Y’all with the penises”? No, I can’t say that. “Y’all with the penginas”? No. I can’t say that. No, of course not. I can’t– “I don’t give a fuck what you got. Clitoris dickoris dock.”

[audience laughs]

“All your fouls are flagrant.” Just saying, it’s a new day and age. This is how I can prove it to you. The world is so crazy right now in real life. In Hollywood, they don’t even make science fiction no more if it ain’t Marvel or Disney or some shit like that. Because you cannot make up shit that’s crazier than our real news every day in this country. It is crazy. Unbelievable. Nick Cannon got 136 children, Jesus. Did you know that? Did you know Nick was fucking like that? He deserved a Nobel Penis Prize. He is working. You can laugh at Nick Cannon right now if you want to. They’re not gonna be laughing at Nick Cannon 100 years from now. [audience laughs] One hundred years from now, Nick Cannon is gonna be one of the greatest n*ggas that ever lived. He got the same amount of kids as Abraham, bitch. Do you understand what that means biblically? [audience laughs] There’s gonna be whole cities of n*ggas related to Nick Cannon. That’s the Ben Cannons over there.

[audience laughs]

This is our real news. Da Brat and Ms. Big Booty Judy… [audience laughs] …just had a brand new baby. And not just any baby. We celebrate any baby. This ain’t gonna be just any baby. Keep your eye on this one. This gonna be one of the greatest babies that was ever born. You ain’t never seen a baby like this. You talking about a hundred percent white man…

[audience laughs]

…with a strong Black woman as a mama and a strong Black woman as a daddy. [audience laughs] You ain’t gonna be able to tell this white n*gga shit. Do you hear me?

[audience laughs and applauds]

He gonna be showing up at the cookout unannounced. Knocking over potato salad and trying ribs. He’s a gang member at night, and by day he owns a credit union. [audience laughs] It’s our real news. Superhero motivation in the real news. One of our finest, greatest living actors, Robert De Niro. Eighty years old. Just had a brand new goddamn baby. Look at the men. “What?” Yes. What are you doing with your nuts? Just sitting on them? [audience laughs] Not our boy De Niro. You 80 with a baby, can’t nobody tell you shit. Not in this life or the next. The fuck? You seeing a miracle. If you a man 20, 30, 40, you shoot off ten million sperm at one time. Not our boy De Niro.

[audience laughs]

He shot off one sperm.

[audience laughs]

His last sperm. He wasn’t even racing nobody. It was just him.

[audience laughs]

The first great grandbaby daddy.

[audience laughs]

All I’m saying is believe in yourself. It’s a brand new day if I’m telling you the truth. You can do shit today that was only available on The Jetsons. [audience laughs] You can drive a car, don’t need no gas, take that to a house, don’t need no electricity. You can talk to a AI, write a letter to your plastic wife and your Styrofoam kids, all in the same day. You can do some wonderful shit. You could play games for a living. You could be a gamer. Hold on. You could be a influencer. And get this, you could be a influencer and not influence a motherfucker to do a goddamn thing. You could be a influenceless influencer. [audience laughs] Believe in yourself. Right. There’s so many things that you can do. The only thing you cannot afford to do is fucking quit. Just don’t fucking quit. If you don’t take nothing else from this…

[audience cheers and applauds]

…this is America. This is the greatest country in the world. Not ’cause some people say it. ‘Cause it really the fuck is. If you traveled, you’d know that. No matter how beautiful the place you visit, you still be happier than a motherfucker to get the fuck back here… [audience laughs] …to America’s stinking ass. ‘Cause we’re number one. But in the greatest country in the world, in one year, 50,000 people committed suicide. The fuck? That’s a city’s worth of people that gave the fuck up. And think about it. None of them was the right one.

[audience laughs]

All them people killed they self. Ain’t shit get better the next day. [in high-pitched voice] You could’ve stayed, bitch. [in normal voice] You was not the problem. [audience laughs] Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself even if you ugly. [audience laughs] [in deep voice] Let me say it again for the people at home. [in high-pitched voice] Even if you ugly. [in normal voice] Look at the ugly people acting like they don’t know who the fuck I’m talking to. [audience laughs] Yeah, for the first time in history, it don’t matter what the fuck you look like. You can fucking make it too. Look at the ugly people. They wanna believe, but they can’t.

[audience laughs]

It’s true. Don’t let nothing stop you. Trick Daddy is rich and famous. Do you hear me? [in high-pitched voice] You can do anything. [audience laughs] [in normal voice] Take that down. You know we ain’t got that type of insurance. [audience laughs] [as Trick Daddy] If he can make it, you can make it. Shut the fuck up, bitch. [audience cheers] [in normal voice] Believe in yourself. That’s all I’m saying. Don’t let nothing fucking stop you. Unless you in the motherfucking streets. If you in the streets, you gotta keep your head on a swivel. They are not playing fair out there. If they catch you, they’ll make an example out of you. And they don’t give a fuck who you is. They’ll do anything. You see what the fuck they did to Tory Lanez? [audience laughs] They took his freedom and his hairline in the same sentence. “Give it all back.” What? He was just standing there bald and guilty. That’s a terrible combination.

[audience laughs]

I felt sorry for him ’cause he ain’t even from this country. He don’t know how we get down. It was just the pinky toe. [audience laughs] Well, that’s ten years for some pinky toes. They don’t give a fuck who you is. It’s a line. If you cross it, that’s your motherfucking ass. They came after Lizzo, and she is unproblematic. They don’t give a fuck. It’s a line. You can be fat. [audience laughs] You can be Black. You can’t be no fat Black bitch. [in high-pitched voice] Now, that’s where they draw the line. [in normal voice] You supposed to be happy and jolly, bitch. [in high-pitched voice] Where’s your flute?

[audience laughs]

[in normal voice] The truth is, I’m telling you, you can do whatever you wanna do. But there’s still consequences. Hollywood is finding that out right now. There’s a drug problem in Hollywood. They can’t even tell you about it. It’s whooping them so motherfucking bad. But y’all know I’ll tell. [audience laughs] I’m supposed to tell the truth. Here’s the truth won’t nobody say.

[woman 1] Tell the truth, Katt.

That motherfucking Ozempic is whooping Hollywood’s ass. Do you hear me? Whoo! That’s the truth. That Ozempic is too fucked up, and it’s too strong. They know it’s too strong. Ain’t nothing they can do. It’s too strong. I done seen the paperwork. [audience laughs] It’s too strong. [audience laughs] They said Oprah took so much that Gayle lost 12 pounds. Do you understand what I said? It’s too strong. [audience laughs] People are shitting themselves to death.

[audience laughs]

It’s too strong. I done seen the numbers. I was flabbergasted. I know a woman that weighed 126 pounds. She lost 131 pounds. [audience laughs] Did you just do that math in your head, that she had to borrow a few pounds from her friends and family? [audience laughs] It’s too strong. [audience laughs] Only person that had the guts to come out and say this is fucked up is Sharon Osbourne. God bless her. She ain’t been on it for two weeks. Take her picture down. She is trying to get better. [audience laughs] She eating collard greens and cornbread right now.

[audience laughs]

It’s bad news sometimes… but it be good news too. And you got to celebrate the good news. For the first time in history, you can love whoever the fuck you wanna love with no shame and no judgment.

[audience applauds]

That’s right. You should be proud of that. Yes. It shouldn’t be nobody left in the closet at all. [audience laughs] Come on out of there. [audience laughs] Ain’t nobody finna judge you. Just say what you is. [audience laughs] That’s right. For the first time in history, you just got to claim your category. And they got a category for everybody. [audience laughs] Even you. [audience laughs] You don’t wanna fuck nobody? You could be a asexual. That means they asked you who you fuck, and you said, “Not a person.” [audience laughs] You are asexual. Whatever you like, you can just say it. You like pots and pans?

[woman 3] Pansexual.

You could be a pansexual. [audience laughs] [audience whooping] Everybody laughing but the white people. [imitates white people] “That’s not right, Katt. You know better than that.” [in normal voice] Take that picture down. I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have made fun. There’s no shame. We just all laughing. [audience laughs] Pansexual don’t have nothing to do with pots and pans, or crock pots or sizzling fajitas, or none of that shit. I looked it up. Pansexual means you’ll fuck… [audience laughs] …whatever you looking at. [audience laughs] That mean you could be like P. Diddy. You could just go in the party with your eyes closed. Take that, take that, take that, take that.

[audience cheers]

There are no wrong answers. [audience laughs] But if you pansexual, ain’t nobody finna judge you. Wayne Brady came right out and said, “I am pansexual.” Everybody was okay. It’s what he said after that… [audience laughs] …that scared me. Wayne Brady said, “I am pansexual, and I’m single.” [audience laughs] What? I’d have never told nobody that shit. You mean you’ll fuck anything and nothing wants to fuck you? I wouldn’t have made that press announcement. You can kiss my ass. I’m gonna wait till somebody like me first. [audience laughs] It’s just a new day and age. It’s a new day and age. It’s a day and age now where the truth is all you need to have. If you got some of the truth on your motherfucking side, you ain’t got nothing to worry about. But if you got a lie, oh, lies is catching hell right now, today. Yes. In real life. Because there’s too many great detectives in the world right now. White detectives, Black detectives, Hispanic detectives, Indian detectives, Asian detectives. Just great detectives. I wish all the detectives could talk to one another. So Black detectives could tell white people when something is fucked up on our end. I think the last time we saw it as a group was when that Black lady said she saw that baby on the side of the highway. [audience laughs] White people, I want you to know, as n*ggas we were so ashamed. You lying-ass bitch!

[audience laughs]

N*ggas had a perfect track record. It was fucked up. Clearly, she didn’t have not one white friend. [audience laughs] All n*ggas know you don’t call no motherfucking highway freeway line and say you a n*gga. Saw some shit that no white person has seen all day, bitch. I knew she was lying 30 seconds in. She said something that was embarrassing to kidnappers. She said the kidnappers took her wig off… [audience laughs] and put it in the car. [in high-pitched voice] If you don’t shut the fuck up, bitch… [in normal voice] There’s not a kidnapper in the world, not al Qaeda, not ISIS, not nobody, that would rather deal with a Black woman without her motherfucking wig. Is you out your rabbit-ass mind? You’ll have to kill her. She’ll tell you that right by the car. “You’ll have to kill me. This is glued on.” [audience laughs] It’s a crazy world out there. If you really are woke, you’ll hear some shit in real news that your brain can’t even understand. If the person is powerful enough, they can fuck with your brain and make you believe something you’ve never heard before. Look at everybody. “Like who, n*gga?” [audience laughs] [chuckles] I don’t want to name no names. I’m just saying. Jamie Foxx is a powerful motherfucker. Do you hear me? That n*gga’s–

[man 5] Here we go!

That n*gga say some shit… you never even heard in your brain. They said on the news, Jamie Foxx has a mystery illness. [audience laughs] What the fuck is a mystery illness, bitch? Look at all the people. “Katt don’t get canceled.” No. No. Never in the history of medicine… [audience laughs] has there been a mystery illness. In the real world, if you got a mystery illness, bitch, it means you are fine. Right when you believe something you not supposed to believe, they hit your ass again. Right after they said the n*gga had a mystery illness, the next news flash, they said: “We just cured it.”

[audience laughs]

[in high-pitched voice] You just cured what? A mystery, bitch? You can’t cure a mystery. [in normal voice] The fuck did you cure him with? You just gave him all the pills. “Here you go, here you go, here you go.” Look at everybody looking like, “This is it, Katt. You’re out of here.” No, you ain’t gotta worry because all you got to do is tell the truth. The truth is crazy enough, you ain’t got to make up no shit. I’m gonna say something to you that sounds like a motherfucker made it up and it’s really in the news. The FBI, our FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation… said they don’t know whose cocaine… [audience laughs] was at the White House. [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] What? [in normal voice] What type of investigation did you do? I don’t know what the fuck is going on. “We don’t know whose it is.” It was in Hunter Biden’s room.

[audience laughs and applauds]

It said “Hunter’s blow” on the bag. [audience laughs] What do you mean “whose cocaine”?

[man 3] Oh, Katt, no! Katt, no!

It’s crazy. Hunter on crack. Joe is… Joe is doing the best he motherfucking can. [chuckles] [audience laughs] We done lowered the bar so low for Joe. As long as Joe don’t fall, we be fine. “Go on and get up them stairs, Joe. There you go. That’s a boy.” [audience laughs] Hunter on crack. Joe asleep. The only person really working at the White House, behind the scenes, is Joe Biden’s German Shepherd named Commander. [audience laughs] Commander has bit 13 motherfuckers at the White House to this day.

[audience laughs]

Commander is standing on business, bitch. [audience laughs] Take his picture down, if you would. In case you’re wondering why you don’t see Kamala Harris, she scared of dogs. [audience laughs] It’s a crazy world. Everything’s going crazy. It ain’t just on the human side. Even in the animal world, shit has changed. They know it. They don’t know how to tell you. In the ocean, all the creatures of the ocean done got together. And they are not about no more foolishness. [audience laughs] It’s whole groups of sharks, swimming around in motherfucking packs, looking for motherfucking surfers. [audience laughs] It’s dolphins and orcas that have got together sinking ships. And they know what the fuck going on. They tested the water outside of Florida this summer. They found out that a mile down, it was 101 degrees in the ocean. The fuck? That’s jacuzzi numbers, bitch. [audience laughs] And that’s where all the cocaine of the world come through. They know them sharks is higher than a motherfucker. [audience laughs] And that’s the same water they saw Jamie Foxx coming out of. I’m gonna make you do what it do, baby. [audience laughs] Y’all know I’m just playing.

[man 5] What you got, n*gga?

The world is so crazy, even as a Black person in the greatest country in the world, we still be going through shit sometimes. And when something happen to a Black person, we don’t have nobody to help us. Only God can come out of nowhere and uplift us, and we know that for a fact.

[audience applauds]

[man 3] That’s right! We don’t know where the uplifting gonna come from, but we be happy to get it.

[man 3] Yeah.

I can testify for my own life. When I’m feeling low, there’s a song that go right to the core of my soul.

[young girl singing in the background]

♪ Nationwide ♪

♪ Is on your side ♪

God bless that baby girl. I did not know I needed that. I needed that shit. [audience applauds] That’s right. As a Black person, you don’t know where the uplifting gonna come from, but you be happier than a motherfucker to see it. I think the last time we all saw it as a group was that motherfucking Alabama riverboat brawl. [audience cheers] That is one of the greatest things I ever saw in my life. Are you kidding me? I did not know I needed that. I needed that. I couldn’t believe it. I never seen anything like that. And white people, Black people can’t tell you this, but I’ll say it. As a n*gga, I never been so proud [in high-pitched voice] to see a n*gga swim in my life!

[audience laughs and applauds]

[in normal voice] You’d have thought I was watching the Olympics, bitch. [high-pitched yell] “Yes!”

[woman 1] Yeah!

Everything was perfect. [audience laughs] Right when you thought there was no hope, there was hope. [audience laughs] And that n*gga understood the assignment. [audience laughs] He knew that every Black person was counting on him. [audience laughs] If that n*gga had have drowned, n*ggas would have died. Ah! [audience laughs] That n*gga understood the assignment. He swam like every Black person was counting on him.

[young girl singing in the background]

♪ Nationwide ♪

♪ Is on your side ♪

[audience laughs and applauds]

He got over there, they threw the hat up, I said, “Ahhhh!” I never seen no shit like that. Right when you thought it was over, it was not over. That n*gga picked up that folding chair and said, “This shit right here, n*gga!”

[audience laughs and applauds]

[grunts] I almost went to heaven. [audience laughs] White people, let me say this. In front of all these minorities… that was not racial. Let me repeat, that was not racial. That was equality.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Some people needed their ass whooped, some people got their ass whooped. That’s it. No harm, no foul.

[audience applauds]

That wasn’t even Black people moves. That was World Wrestling moves. [audience laughs] I know earlier I said:

[man 5] Take that, take that!

“This is the greatest time to be alive ever.”

[man 1] Whoo!

But not for everybody.

[audience laughs]

For some people, it’s the worst time to be alive that ever existed. If you a racist in 2024, understand you are one of the stupidest motherfuckers that ever lived.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Yeah. It mean even the caveman is like: [mimics caveman] “Ooga booga stupid.” [audience laughs] [in normal voice] If you a racist in 2024, it mean you believe some stupid shit. It don’t matter who the fuck you don’t like, it all sounds ridiculous. What you mean you don’t like Black people? [in high-pitched voice] What?! [audience laughs] Bitch, Google us! We are magnificent, bitch.

[audience cheers and applauds]

All across the universe! And we’re delicious. [audience laughs] All the cannibals swear by n*gga meat. [audience laughs] Fuck you mean you don’t like Black people?

[woman 1] Here he is!

Impossible. It mean you gotta believe some stupid shit. It mean you gotta believe that God cursed Black people with this skin. What?! You mean the best skin in the skin business, bitch? [audience cheering] How could that be a curse? Nobody in Africa got a dermatologist or a skin regimen. It’s just sunshine and dirt. [audience laughs] Skin flawless. Fuck you mean you don’t like Black people. The fuck? Our women are some of the most voluptuous. [audience cheers] Our men are some of the most well-endowed. I’m not speaking for all n*ggas, just me. [audience laughs] That’s why I thought I was gonna be 6’1″, or 6’2″. This is too much penis for 5’5″. [audience cheers] But the Lord is my shepherd, [audience laughs] I shall not want.

[man 3] I want it!

Just saying, it’s a crazy time. You can’t afford not to like Black people. You don’t like Black people enough, you could become one yourself. [audience laughs] I’m not the only Black man with a bunch of mug shots. Show another one. [audience laughs and groans] [in a deep voice] What you see, two n*ggas. [in a normal voice] Take that down, he looks angry.

[audience laughs]

World is crazy. World is crazy. Trump finally decided to reach out to Black people. He decided to do it with a motherfucking shoe. ‘Cause he heard n*ggas love sneakers. [in high-pitched voice] If you don’t get the fuck out of here! [in a normal voice] Those are $400. Only a white man… would make something for n*ggas that no Black people can match. [audience laughs] Who got a red, white, blue, and gold outfit they been waiting to rock? Take that picture down. We not trying to sell those. [audience laughs] I don’t wanna talk about the man’s shoes. I tried Joe Biden’s shoes, but I didn’t like them. I put on one shoe, and both my feet fell asleep. [in high-pitched voice] God damn it, Joe! [in normal voice] The air tingles. [audience laughs] The world is so crazy. Donald Trump is not even the craziest person in politics. The craziest person in politics is Ron DeSantis.

[audience groans and applauds]

That is a scary motherfucker. Ron DeSantis. He say some evil shit. Ron say some shit even make Hitler go, “What?” [audience laughs] Ron DeSantis said, “Black people don’t get no credit for slavery… …because y’all learned something.” [audience laughs] What? We learned we should have whooped your motherfucking ass when we had the chance, Ron!

[audience applauds]

The fuck is he talking about? That’s why you gotta be so careful. Because they’ll try to erase history while you looking at it. They don’t even talk about slavery in America. You know why? Because they don’t wanna give no credit to the people that got Black people out of slavery in the first place. They don’t want them to get no shine. So they erased it from history. But I’ll say it right here in front of the world. Black women got Black people out of slavery…

[audience cheers and applauds]

…in America. That’s the facts. As a group.

[woman 1] Yo!

Black women did that without assistance. There was no group of Black men that got together, said, “Fuck this shit, n*gga, we not feeling this. Slave no motherfucking more.” Because they killed all them n*ggas that day. [audience laughs] No. It was Black women. Our great, great grandmama and them. That just so happened to be blessed with some of the sweetest, most delicious pussy that God has ever created. [audience laughs] Oh, yes. Black women doing what was necessary.

[woman 3] Come on, man!

Great grandmama wasn’t just in there making cornbread. [audience laughs] Oh, no. She was also slinging some of the greatest pussy that master had ever seen. She is not going back in the field. She lives in the house now. “What do you mean ‘what house’, Rebecca? This house.” [audience laughs] Doing what the fuck was necessary. That’s right. They erased all of it. You know who suck a mean dick? Miss Butterworth. [audience laughs] You know how good your pussy gotta be for you to get a syrup named after you, bitch? It say “thick and rich and delicious” on the bottle to this day. [audience laughs] Her and her girlfriend Aunt Jemima doing threesomes for freedom. [audience laughs]

[man 1] Whoo!

I’m just saying. I believe that we are all family. Black, white, whatever. All family. And I don’t just tell Black secrets.

[audience laughs and applauds]

I tell white secrets too.

Because we all family.

[man 2] Yeah. They don’t lie to some of us, they lie to all of us. White people, they even lie to y’all. Look at the white people. “Who the fuck is ‘they’?” [audience laughs] Black people, you don’t have to take my word for it. Look to a white person near you… and you will see this secret is true.

[audience laughs]

[man 2] No one’s turning around!

Look at the white people looking to see if n*ggas is looking. [audience laughs] Even the people at home is looking. [audience laughs] Okay, here it goes. White secret. My whole life… I wondered why white people weren’t more empathetic to what Black people went through in this country. It’s truly a superhero story. Like people that was killed and whooped on, and wasn’t allowed to read and shit, and treated like animals and put in a hole for 500 years and had to drag their way the fuck out. Look at white people, “When did we say any of this?” [audience laughs] I just wanna know why white people are not more empathetic to what Black people went through in this country to build a country for free and then have them say, “You n*ggas is lazy.” [in high-pitched voice] What?

[audience applauds]

[in normal voice] I just wanna know why white people are not more empathetic. This what I found out. You ain’t gonna believe this shit. [audience laughs] I found out if you look through history, all through humankind, at one point in history, every group of people has been slaves at least one time.

[man 1] Right.

Even white people. And white people, they erased yours from history. But I’m here to tell you, in front of all these minorities, [audience laughs] here’s the truth, white friends. Y’all were some of the worst slaves that ever existed.


[audience laughs] Y’all was terrible white slaves. [audience laughs] You couldn’t make no money with a white slave. All they do is complain. “I want to see the manager.” We don’t have a manager, Rebecca! [audience laughs] This is slavery, bitch. I am the overseer. It’s terrible. They couldn’t be in the field for 45 minutes. Then they got to come in and get sunscreen that we have not invented yet. [audience laughs] They growing all the wrong crops, wheatgrass and romaine lettuce. It’s sad. [audience laughs] They ain’t… ain’t even had no Negro spirituals. They just… [audience laughs] out there listening to terrible country shit. [instrumental country music plays] [instrumental country music stops] Pick no cotton like that, white people. Y’all see that was live? I almost bust my ass. [audience laughs] I’m just here to say, we gotta not be separated when we can all be the motherfucker together. [audience cheers] 2024, not the time for separation.

[man 3] Yeah!

They don’t wanna talk about the shit, but the shit is real. And we are family and we should not be fighting. And white friends, let me tell you this. Since we all family, I wouldn’t let some shit happen without letting my white family know something is getting ready to happen. [audience laughs] So let me just make this announcement and white friends, please take this back to your communities. [audience laughs] Okay. It is now time for Black people in America to get paid reparations for everything [air horn blares] that them and their ancestors have been through in American history. [audience cheers] Look at the white people. “What? [audience laughs] Why now, Katt?” Thanks for asking, white friends. I’ll tell you why now. And understand, white friends, I don’t speak for all Black people. But I do speak for all n*ggas. [audience laughs] And you are not supposed to know the difference. Okay, this is so you don’t think I’m playing. Black people, it’s our money. And when do we need it? [audience] Now! You see that, white people? We didn’t even rehearse that. You see that? This is live, bitch. Do you understand? That’s how bad Black people need it. That came from our core. [audience laughs] Even some of our Hispanic friends said, “Now!” [audience laughs] Ándale!

The time is now.

[man 1] Yeah! And understand, white friends, I know you thinking, “No, seriously, Katt, why now?” I’ll tell you why. And these are the facts. We just gave $100 billion to the Ukraine. [audience cheers] And God bless the Ukrainians.

[man 1] Yeah, yeah.

But off the record? [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] We don’t know them n*ggas like that.

[audience laughs and applauds]

[in normal voice] You could have gave that money to Black people. The fuck?

[woman 1] Right, Katt!

Gotta say it! We done gave them all that money. The truth is, they over there getting they ass whooped over there. You could have gave that money to the Black people of Los Angeles and they’d have went over there and whooped their ass in two weeks.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Look, it looks like reparations is for Black people, but it’s not. It’s for you, white friend. It’s for you. It’s gonna help us, but it’s for you. Sure, every Black person gonna wake up with $20 million in the bank. So the fuck what? [audience laughs] It’s for you, white friends. You think America been great before?

[man 5] Come on!

Wait till we got a country full of rich n*ggas. [audience cheers] This finna be the greatest country in the world, bitch.

[woman 1] Hell, yeah!

It’s gonna be free barbecue and dance lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays. [audience cheers] It’s for you, white friend. White friend, don’t you want to get slavery behind you? You ain’t never had a slave in your motherfucking life. Get this past you. You pay them reparations, racism is dead. [audience laughs]

[woman 1] Yeah.

Get it past you, white friends. Here’s what they won’t tell you, white friends. You pay them reparations… you can say “n*gga” anytime you want to, do you hear? [audience laughs] Look at the white people trying to act like they not thinking about it. [audience laughs] That’s right, white friends. Think about it. For the first time in history, you can sing along to your favorite rap song at the top of your goddamn lungs. [audience laughs] You pay them reparations, the next day, you can walk outside your house, look for the biggest, blackest thing you can find and say, “N*gga, did you get your money yet?” You goddamn right I did. Can I have that “God bless America”? Thank you all so much. I’m Katt Williams. And you keep me alive. Thank you.

♪ Light n*gga, dark n*gga, faux n*gga, real n*gga ♪

♪ Rich n*gga, poor n*gga House n*gga, field n*gga ♪

♪ Still n*gga. Still n*gga ♪

♪ My name isn’t n*gga ♪

♪ Only one to buy ♪

♪ I like that second one ♪

♪ Light or dark, dark n*gga Faux or real, real n*gga ♪

♪ Real poor, poor n*gga, House n*gga, field n*gga ♪

♪ Still, still n*gga ♪

♪ Still, still n*gga ♪

♪ OJ like, “I’m not black, I’m OJ” ♪

♪ O-okay ♪

♪ House n*gga, don’t fuck with me I’m a field n*gga, go shine cutlery ♪

♪ DJ Ope-Ski ♪

♪ Where the butlers be ♪

♪ I’ma play the corners Where the hustlers be ♪

♪ I told him, “Please don’t die Over the neighborhood ♪

♪ That, that your mama rentin’ ♪

♪ Your, your drug money And buy the neighborhood ♪

♪ That’s how you rinse it” ♪

[air horn blares]

♪ I bought every V12 engine ♪

♪ Wish I could take it Back to the… ♪

[disk scratches]

♪ I coulda bought a place in DUMBO Before it was DUMBO ♪

♪ For like 2 million ♪

♪ That same building today Is worth 25 million ♪

♪ Guess how I’m feelin’? ♪

♪ DJ Ope-Ski ♪

♪ Dumbo ♪

♪ Light n*gga, dark n*gga Faux n*gga, real n*gga ♪

♪ Rich n*gga, poor n*gga House n*gga, field n*gga ♪

♪ Still n*gga ♪

♪ My skin is black ♪

♪ Still n*gga ♪ [music fades]


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