Jimmy Carr: The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits (2019) – Full Transcript

Nothing is off limits as Jimmy Carr serves up the best jokes from his storied stand-up career in a special that's as inappropriate as it is hilarious.

♪ I got gas in the tank ♪
♪ I got money in the bank ♪
♪ I got news for you, baby You’re looking at the man ♪

Someone came up to me in the street and said, “Are you Jimmy Carr, or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?” I said, “Both.”

I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy, which is… not that impressive, is it? I mean, “the hardest-working man,” that’s good, but “in comedy” takes the shine off that compliment. The hardest-working man in comedy. It’s like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. No offense to any burns victims we have here. Are there any burns victims in? I mean, if there’s one, there’ll be loads. They tend to stick together. And we’re off! That’s a very good reaction to that joke, because that joke is very much a canary in the mine. That is there to test the air. If you’re sat there thinking, “That was funny,” you’re in for a lovely evening. If you’re thinking, “That was a bit much, actually…” It’s going to be a fucking long night for you.

Do you know the average person laughs out loud ten times a day? Not everyone, obviously. If you work in a hospice or with learning disabled adults… it could be ten times that. Sky’s the limit. Dare to dream. They say that laughter is the best medicine. So maybe, just maybe, if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs… You look slightly concerned there, madam. Let me just take a moment to reassure you. During that last joke, no-one in a wheelchair has ever walked out.

Look, before we start properly, we should probably talk about how PC works in comedy, because there are rules and regulations that govern what I can and what I can’t say up here on stage. So basically, how PC works in comedy is, if you’re directly involved or affected by something, you get a free pass. You’re allowed to joke about that thing. So, for example, disabled people could joke about disability. Homosexual people could joke about being gay. Black or Asian people could joke about race. Those are the rules. So these two pedophiles walk into a park… What? A lot of people don’t think pedophiles should be allowed to live anywhere near schools. But it does reduce their carbon footprint. If you’re scared of pedophiles… grow up. Now, I don’t want to offend anyone here this evening with my language. I know certain people have got certain words they just don’t like. So to avoid causing offense unnecessarily tonight, if I refer to a vagina at any point, which I’m bound to do… You know the kind of comedian I am. But if I refer to a vagina at any point this evening, I’ll call it… What’s the least offensive term? Front bottom? No-one’s offended by the term “front bottom,” are they? So, for this evening, “front bottom” and “back cunt.” Let’s keep this classy, shall we?

When Donald Trump first took to office, little did he know… Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable. Yeah. I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican. When I was younger, I couldn’t talk to women, because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating. It’s very difficult to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle. You want to be manly, you don’t want to wake her up. You’ve got to be very careful with jokes, especially gentlemen. Men get carried away with jokes. Men joke in inopportune situations. Men often joke in the bedroom. That’s never a good idea. Yeah, it’s quite funny to say to a girl who’s going down on you, “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But it’s even funnier if she says, “Well, it’s not full.” I had a friend that used to self-harm, because he was bullied. I used to think… “Whose side are you on?” If there’s a fight, I let my fists do the talking. “Please don’t hurt me.”

If a giant ape and a table tennis champion got into an argument over a karaoke machine in the Far East… would the newspaper headline be: “Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong Sing-Song Ding Dong”? That’s quite a silly joke. I was trying to write the shortest joke possible, so I wrote a four-word joke. Venison’s dear, isn’t it? Then a three-word joke. Stationery store moves. And then a blink and you’ll miss it, two-word joke. Dwarf shortage. I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs. Very little. Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs, but I never tell them that I love them, because I don’t want them to get big-headed.

I was in Brussels last year doing shows and something interesting happened when I was in Brussels, which you don’t get to say every day. They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo. Aww. And they told you on the news how they make baby pandas. Yeah. It’s not how you think. It’s not a mommy panda and a daddy panda fucking. Pandas are not down to fuck. They’re sort of like the opposite of girls from Dublin. There’s a look of civic pride there from some of the ladies. A look as if to say, “We do like the D.” So if you want to have a baby panda, what you do is you phone up the Chinese authorities. All pandas in the world are Chinese. They’ll lend you a panda. They’re not giving away their pandas. So you phone up the Chinese authorities, they send over a panda fertility expert. Here’s where it gets interesting. This panda fertility expert brings with him, in his luggage, a full-size, man-size, dress-up, zip-up panda outfit, replete with enormous panda head. Who knew? That’s not his name. I’m saying I did not know that. So he flies to Brussels, he’s got the outfit with him, he says hello to everyone at Brussels Zoo, friendly enough, as well he might be, and then it’s right down to business. He dresses up from head to toe as a panda, pops on his big panda head, walks into Mr. Panda’s enclosure dressed from head to toe as a panda and he, uh… He wanks off Mr. Panda. Dressed as a panda. So if anyone here’s thinking, “Oh, I’ve had a tough week at work…” Have you? Have you, though? Did you wank off a panda? No, you fucking didn’t. So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda. Incidentally, that is the day to visit the zoo. Am I right? “Come here, kids. You’re not going to believe this. I don’t think that one’s even a real panda.” So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda, they collect the panda semen… Obviously. Otherwise, what just happened? “Who was that bloke?” “I thought he was with you.” “Shit, it’s happened again.” So they collect the panda semen and then they wait. They wait until the female panda is asleep in her enclosure. And then they creep into the female panda’s enclosure as she sleeps and they artificially inseminate the female panda as she sleeps. I’m not sure who does that. I presume Bill Cosby.

I bloody love show business. Every night after the show, I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door, and sometimes… I let them out. Are you alright at the back? How are the people up there? Excellent news. Sometimes, if I see a show, if I’m at the back of the room, I’ve got a weird fear of missing out. I feel like, “Are people having more fun down here than we’re having at the back?” But there’s advantages to sitting at the back, because you get more of a sense of occasion, more of a sense of people coming together and sharing a sense of humor, that great music hall spirit. You get more of a sense of that from the back of the room. And the other advantage to sitting at the back is this sort of thing won’t happen. I fucked your mum. That’s not going to happen to any of you. I’ve got nothing but respect for your mums. Hard-working, decent women. I still owe your mum 20 Euro. That’s right. I paid for everyone. Sorry, I’ve been terribly rude there. Sir, what’s your name? Shane. What do you do, Shane? I’m still in school. You’re in school? How old are you, Shane? Eighteen. You’re 18? Okay, Shane. And who are you here with, Shane? My dad. Your dad? No. No, Shane. You’re with the man you think is your dad. Could be any one of us. Well, apologies, Shane, because, I mean, this evening does not work out well for you. Your mum gets quite a few mentions. I hope you’re going to be okay with that. Are you going to be alright? You’re in for quite a rough ride tonight. Is what I said to your mum the last time I saw her. It’s that sort of thing pretty much fucking continually. Okay. When I’m away from home, I sometimes get love sick. Well, they call it chlamydia. I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me, “Do you want white or brown toast?” I said, “All toast is brown. You’re thinking of bread.” He said, “What room are you in?” I said, “It’s the dining room.”

I was on tour recently and walked into a hotel room, and on the TV screen, it just said, “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought, “That’s a bit specialist. How did they know I’d be into that?” Lucky guess.

A lot of people text whilst driving. I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret when we’re drunk. We have all done things we regret when we’re drunk. Some of you may be with one of them this evening. Some very good sideways glancing going on. Backseat drivers, they’re all the same, aren’t they? “Why are we going into the woods? Please let me go.” “I am trying to maintain an erection.”

Here’s a question. Does anyone in the room believe in the supernatural? Ghosts and spirits and the like. Anyone? Yes! Quite a lot of you. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. Grow up. There’s actually a special name for people that have seen a ghost. It’s… schizophrenic. People claim to be into recycling, but you should see their faces when you rinse out a condom. Women usually take care of contraception within relationships, but some men do and they’re called… dads. I’ve got a friend, she’s got a theory. She reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours and hours. I think it’s bollocks. Has everyone that’s going to get it got it? Let’s move on. I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger.” You might think that’s quite cool. She doesn’t like it. My girlfriend said to me recently, “Have you been having sex behind my back?” I said, “Who the fucking hell did you think it was? And another thing. It wouldn’t kill you to turn around and check how I’m doing. A little bit of encouragement goes a long way.” My girlfriend used to get annoyed at me because I used to leave the toilet seat up. So now I always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Only takes a second. I know a lot of people think that’s a trivial matter, but I think it’s a signifier. It shows that you care in a small way each and every day. So always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Of course, there’s no winning with her. Now she’s annoyed because it’s covered in piss. I tell these jokes, but I’m actually a very modern man. I’ve got no problem buying tampons, but apparently they’re not a “proper present.” “Says super on the box. I don’t know what you want!” “Happy birthday, Mum.” I bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking, which is ideal for her, because not only is she a vegetarian… My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, “Alright, fatty!” The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet. A fat lady came up to me after a show and complained about that joke. I say a fat lady came up to me. She pretty much surrounded me. She was livid. She said, “I think you’re fattist.” I said, “No.” “I think you’re fattest.” Have you ever fucked a girl so fat you think it might count as a threesome? I’ll tell you when you know you’re with a big girl. If you’ve ever found yourself in the throes of passion, thinking… “Is that boob or arm?” “I’ll give it a lick just to be sure.” A very nice man came up to me after a show recently and said, “Hey, I’m a fat guy. How do you think I feel?” I said, “Squidgy.” I mean,

I tell these jokes, but I knew I had to lose a little bit of weight recently. I think you know, as a man, when you’ve got to lose weight. There’s warning signs. There are red flags. I knew I had to lose weight. A very sad day for any man when his girlfriend suggests he cums on his own tits. Most men don’t get enough fiber in their diet. Yeah? Tough shit. I read a thing recently. It was in Men’s Health Magazine. It said that drinking your own urine is meant to be good for you. Bullshit. I put my back out. That was a flattering mime, wasn’t it? A double-hander, sir? Half of all women don’t groom or style their pubic hair. Half! That means, statistically, either your mum or your nan is rocking a Brazilian. Must be your nan, Shane. Seriously, your mum, it was like a knife wound in a gorilla’s back. You’ve taken that well. Which I imagine runs in the family, does it? People worry about their physical appearance. We all have silly hang-ups. Personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil nuts.” Makes me giggle. Because it tickles when I do it. Whenever I’m in the changing rooms in the gym, I’m always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else’s. But then, in fairness, it is erect. Ten percent of women have cried in shop fitting rooms. I guess… they weren’t expecting to see me there. My girlfriend recently bought a T-shirt for 100 Euro. That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt. It said D&G on the front. I suppose, fair enough, one of her tits is bigger than the other. We call that one our favorite. Turn on the taps, test the water. That’s how I remember it. That’s very much foreplay for beginners, isn’t it? Turn on the taps, test the water. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Like a fucking Slip ‘N Slide. We’re on. People with Tourette’s. What makes them tick?

The worst thing about being told you’ve got Alzheimer’s is it doesn’t just happen once. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. My first wife was from Thailand. Don’t, you’ll feel bad. It’s actually quite a sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died of… testicular cancer. Probably the best way I could describe it is her front bottom was an outie. I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt. I thought… “That shows a lot of balls.”

The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from up to seven miles away. And that fact also works if you remove the word… “moth.” The first time I told that joke was on BBC Radio 4 and we got a letter of complaint in from the National Gypsy Council. So I wrote back. Of course, they’d moved on.

Here’s a frightening fact. If you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for one year. I don’t know about you good people, but I can’t help feeling we’re being overcharged for our groceries. Now my job is writing harsh, brutal jokes. I can’t compete recently with stuff I’ve just overheard. I was in a doctor’s waiting room, sat opposite these two ladies in their early sixties. One of the ladies, just trying to start a conversation with her friend, looked down at a copy of the newspaper, a stark image of famine on the cover of the paper… and she turned to her friend, she said, “This famine… it’s terrible, isn’t it?” And her friend, without skipping a beat, went… “Yeah… but they don’t get our winters.” Fucking hell. There’s about half of you laughing and half of you thinking, “The winter here can be rough.” I got stopped in the street the other day by one of those charity muggers. You know, the ones with the clipboard and the optimism. Chuggers, a lot of people call them. I call them “chunts.” Anyway, he stopped me in the street and went, “Do you know how often people die from AIDS?” I said, “I’m not an expert, but I’m guessing just the once, is it?”

My best friend’s wife is having a baby. I said, “What do you want? A boy or a girl?” And he thought about it. He said… “I wanted a blowjob.” Really mournful. I like getting a blowjob off the missus. I don’t know if you get this. I don’t know if you get a blowjob off my missus. I don’t know what your shoe-buying budget is. A little glimpse into my world. The thing I like about oral sex… I think the thing most men like about oral sex, nothing sexual, ladies, is actually the peace and quiet. If you’ve ever been going down on a guy and he’s gone, “Oh,” that is not your technique. That is not his sexual ecstasy. That is the sound of a man not being asked a question. I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids, but if I had kids, I think I would have them adopted. I haven’t got children, but I have made a start. I bought some puppies and a van. I had a really awkward moment on stage recently while I was doing a show when someone from right in the back of the room shouted, “Are you ever going to have children?” I said, “Look, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. I don’t want to make you feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I… actually can’t have children… the way we do it.”

What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time? Who picks up guide dog shit? You can laugh, but no fucker knows. It’s got to be quite a hit-and-miss operation, hasn’t it? Ah, that’s warm. I saw a guy… I was in the high street near where I live in North London. I saw a guy with a guide dog and a white stick. So I went up to him. I said, “You must be blind.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I said, “There’s a tree over there.” Be a dick about it. I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right. Pornography. I’ll cum to that later. I feel like I’m getting old. I was watching porn recently and I found myself thinking, “That bed looks comfy.” Here’s an old man thing I did for the first time recently. I bought Viagra for the first time. I didn’t have a problem per Se, but I thought, “You know, we’re going away for the weekend. Let’s super-charge this.” And you can now get, in the UK, over-the-counter Viagra. I thought, “That sounds powerful.” Over the counter, you say? Thunk. It’s a medication, Viagra. You’ve got to take these things seriously. So I was reading the side of the box of the Viagra they sold me. It said on the side of the box, “Keep away from children.” I thought, “What kind of a man do they think I am… that can’t maintain an erection with a child?” Well, that joke separated the men from the boys. Somewhat ironically.

I’m not a big fan of the predictive text. It makes you look like an idiot when you text a lady saying you want to put your massive clock in her hairy aunt. I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said to me, “You treat this house like a hotel.” I said, “I have never snorted cocaine off a hooker’s tits in this house.” That is a joke. I have never paid for sex. Which has upset a lot of prostitutes. Shane’s mum. A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say, I “arrived early.” And my girlfriend said, “Don’t worry, that happens to a lot of men.” I said, “Right. A couple of things. Firstly, who are these ‘a lot of men’? And, secondly, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?”

My girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before. That is awkward. But not as awkward as the time she woke up during it. “Hello, love. You’re up early.” “Yeah, I was just getting on with a little bit of sex. Yeah. I’ll make you a cup of tea when I’m finished.” That’ll help get rid of the taste.” It’s a great feeling when you get a woman you’ve been chasing for… miles. I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met, but she said, “Don’t make me go back there, Mr. Jimmy. I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I’ll be better.” I worry about that joke. Is that just razy lacism? I didn’t used to talk about sex at all. I was very repressed, very uptight. Very British about the whole thing. Now I’ll talk to anyone about anything. Here’s an example. Here’s a detail from my life I don’t mind sharing with the good people of Dublin. My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse, but it’s not a problem, because I… can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. She spat it back in my face. I was pretty into it actually, yeah. When my first girlfriend choked to death… it was a terrible blow. Yeah, I had to finish myself off. I was in bed with a girl recently. She said to me, “I want tonight to be magical.” And it was. After I fucked her… I disappeared.

My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lubricant.

Have you all had the classic bar room conversation, if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Classic heterosexual male, bar room conversation. Have you had it? No? You haven’t? Okay. Well, forewarned is forearmed. I’ll tell you how the conversation is meant to go. If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, you’d go with. Johnny Depp. Pirates Of The Caribbean, gorgeous Johnny Depp. That’s not how the conversation’s meant to go. I’ll tell you how the conversation’s meant to go. So you’re in a bar, with a friend, drinking, taking it easy, chatting about life and news and sports. Out of nowhere, your friend says to you, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would that man be?” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to.” “I just wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “No.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man.” “Well…” “Poof.” That’s how that conversation’s supposed to go. It doesn’t always go like that. Of course not. Sometimes you say, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and they go, “Johnny Depp.”

Don’t feel bad about that. Not the worst answer I’ve ever had. The worst answer I ever had, I did a gig in London… and I was picking on this guy front and center, where you’re sitting, sir, and he got so flustered, like a deer in the headlights flustered, I said, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and he went… “My brother.” Let’s hear from the ladies. Give us a shout, all the ladies in the room. You sound in great spirits. Do you think you’re easy to live with, ladies? Well, this is going to be educational and fun. Gonna tell you how easy you are to live with, with a couple of questions. First question, ladies. Have you ever met a gay man? You have. You’ve all met gay men. Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men tend to be? How joyful and carefree those gay dudes tend to be. “We’re going dancing, Barcardi Breezers. Hiya.” Always in such a great mood. What’s missing from their lives? You. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not homophobic. Anyone that says I’m homophobic can suck my cock. As long it’s not a fella. It’s not natural. And I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes, because although I’ve never had sex with a man, I have fucked a girl ugly enough to count as a man. Shane’s mum. Sorry, Shane.

Have you all had the sexual history conversation? It’s the conversation that happens about maybe six months into a relationship when things are getting a little bit serious and it tends to be the woman will ask the man. She’ll say, “I’d like to know about your sexual history.” And the man will think, “No, you fucking wouldn’t.” But in my experience, the woman doesn’t ask once and then move on if you don’t want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking and asking until eventually you feel like you have to give an answer. It’s what happened to me. I was cornered. I had to list everyone I’d ever been with. From the girl I’d lost my virginity to right the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped. What’s the most important thing in a relationship? What do you think? Trust. Dishwasher. Trust. What, sorry? A dishwasher. A dishwasher. God, has he even forgotten your name? He just calls you “The Dishwasher.” Any other thoughts? Most important thing? What, sorry? Money. You think money’s the most important thing. Can I have her washed and brought to my room? It’s a joke. Don’t bother washing her. There’s really no point. She’s going to end up looking like a plasterer’s radio. I think I’m with you. I think trust is the most important thing. Because if you’re with a woman and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s not going to tell your wife? Best answer I ever had on that, I was doing a gig in Glasgow in Scotland. I said, “What’s the most important thing in a relationship?” and a bloke went, “Consent.”

Who’s drinking tonight? Are you drinking tonight? I like drinking when it gets a bit out of hand. Beyond beer, wine, spirits, into the crazy drinks you only order when you’re already hammered drunk. The flaming Sambuca is a prime example. No-one has ever ordered a flaming Sambuca while sober and the reason is clear. It’s on fire. It does not look refreshing. The only possible reason I could think of to order a flaming Sambuca when sober is if you’re with a woman and she’s something just a little bit special. She’s beautiful, and intelligent, and kind, and funny and you think, “Well, she could be the one.” But she’s got a bit of an issue with facial hair on the top lip. I know, that could be a very awkward thing to bring up, especially early on in a relationship. Much easier, I think, take her out for a couple of drinks. “Two flaming sambucas, please, my good man. No, I know I’m driving. They’re both for you, my little Fu Manchu.” Some young women drink so much, they black out and can’t remember what happened the night before. If that’s you, don’t worry. I made a video. Most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results, but they look… pleasantly surprised. Surely the best thing about getting a full face transplant… They can do them now. Full face transplants. Surely the best thing about that would be turning up at the donor’s funeral and going… Ooh. Come on, you would.

I’ve got a new doctor who is stunningly attractive. Early thirties woman, raven black hair. I mean smoke show. She’s absolutely gorgeous. So the first time I met her, I was having an appointment in her office, the doctor’s office. So, I walked into the doctor’s office, my jaw hit the floor. I walked in and went… Alright? She went, “Come in, sit down.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “It’s very nice to meet you.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “Please, tell me what the problem is.” I said, “I’m embarrassed.” She said, “I’ve been a doctor for years, nothing I haven’t heard before. Just tell me what the problem is and I’m sure we can help you.” I said, “Okay. I think my cock tastes funny. I don’t know if there’s a test for that, but I’ve had an idea.”

I think the best holiday I ever went on was the first time I went away with my mates. Our own choice of destination, our own money, our own passports, that sense of freedom and adventure. I’ll tell you what happened. We were 18, we finished school, finished our last exam, we all got summer jobs, worked the whole summer through and then, the day after the results came out, we went to Faliraki in Greece for two weeks. Sun, sea, sex and sand. That’s what we’re looking for. That is what we got. In those two weeks, I had sex with 12 different people. I’m not bragging. I was gang raped. You meet the locals. You see a different culture. Does anyone know what you’re meant to do if you get stung by a jellyfish? Does anyone know? Piss on it. Piss on it is the right answer. I’ll tell you this much, doesn’t work as well on shark bites. The boy’s family were livid. Apparently once they’ve been dead a couple of hours, there is very little you can do. No amount of piss is bringing them round.

Would you like some behind the scenes, show business, how things are done? Would you like to know? Yes! Okay, what’s a good way to explain? You know when they’re filming with chimpanzees? It could be a commercial they’re filming or a movie or TV show. When they’re filming with chimpanzees, what they do is they give them peanut butter. It doesn’t occur naturally. It’s not in their regular diet in the zoo. And the reason they give it to them is because they’re not used to it. Because when they give them the peanut butter, it sticks to the roof of the chimpanzee’s mouth. It makes the chimpanzees go… And it makes it look like the chimpanzee’s talking. Well, that’s also how they make Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend and I used to think he went everywhere with me and that I could talk to him and he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and I stopped going to church. I know, I’ll be sorry when Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior comes back from the made up. I heard a reporter recently, a proper BBC journalist on the news, say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.” Well, yeah, obviously. It’s the bare minimum you need to qualify. I’ve never really understood it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die? Become a Catholic priest and have them now. Life’s for living. I was raised Catholic, and the thing that annoyed me about church when I was a kid was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling. I wished the priests could just pick a position and fuck me.

I was in New Zealand on tour. I got in trouble while I was in New Zealand over a joke. I’ll tell you the joke. You can tell me what you think. All I said was this. “I was in Napier. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Christchurch. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Dunedin… I said, ‘I’ll tell you what this town needs…'” They went fucking mental. It turns out I was on very shaky ground. One of my best friends, who’s from New Zealand, I asked him how many sexual partners he’d had in his life and he started to count. And he fell asleep. Because the men from New Zealand sometimes fuck the sheep. Also, if you had quite mild insomnia, that might encourage you to count sheep and the repetitive nature of such a task might help you drift off to sleep. What jokes are essentially is two stories, and, in the first story, you’re forced to make an assumption that turns out to be erroneous. In the second part of the story, or punchline, it’s the sudden revelation of a previously concealed fact. They all work in a similar way. It’s probably easiest if you just join in with the others. My girlfriend often says, “You never tell me how much you love me.” I don’t want to upset her. I’ve been with the same girl for 18 years. She still gets annoyed if I use her toothbrush. That’s crazy, isn’t it? Yes. You don’t think that’s crazy? If you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of shoes, I’d love to hear about it.

I’m in a long-term relationship, but I’m not married. Is anyone else in the same boat? A few of us. You probably don’t want to say, a lot of you, because people are dicks about it. I’ll introduce my girlfriend to someone at a party. People we don’t know, they’ll find out how long we’ve been together, and immediately, perfect strangers going to me, “Have you thought about… You two, thought about… Ever thought about? Ever talked about? Ever thought about you two… Ever thought about? Ever talked about?” They’re not politely inquiring. They’re trying to stir up a fight between me and my girl. Well, fuck that noise. So if ever I get the, “You ever thought about…” I always think, “What? Putting a third finger in? I’ll give it a go. I’m not sure if it’s what the relationship’s missing, but I’ll bloody try it. Thanks, vicar.” Maybe try the shocker. Two in the pink, one in the stink. That’s how that works. Sorry, you’re only young. Two in the goo, one in the poo. There.

I bought my girlfriend lingerie for the first time just last Christmas. So 18 years in… I didn’t do it the first couple years and then it became a big deal in my head and I didn’t want to get it wrong. So last November, we were wandering through Soho and, as we walked past Agent Provocateur, this very fancy lingerie store, as we walked by, my girlfriend looked up at a mannequin and there was a bra and panties on the mannequin and she went, “They’re nice.” Very unlike her. So the next day, I went back, bought the bra and panties that she said were nice. They came in this beautiful presentation, velvet-lined box, and they were pinned to the back of the box, beautifully displayed for Christmas. Quite expensive, but very nice. Anyway, Christmas morning rolls round a month later. She’s forgotten about the whole thing. She opens up the box. She was absolutely thrilled. She went… “These are beautiful, darling. But they’re not my size.” I said, “Don’t worry, I’ve had a chat with the lady in the shop and she says you can have an operation.” “Those bra and panties, that’s like Cinderella’s slipper. That will fit the woman I want.” To keep things fresh in the bedroom, we do a little bit of role play. I’d recommend it if you’re in a long-term relationship. How it works is she pretends to be a nurse and I pretend… I’m still attracted to her. That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people that thought that was funny, and then there are unattractive women. M

y girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex, because she likes to be able to read. Which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of that age. I’m not in favor of all kinds of group sex. I’m not in favor of the two guys, one girl threesome, for the simple reason, I never want to see another man’s happy face. Because women, when they orgasm, look beautiful and serene. I’ve seen it in magazines and films. Men, when they orgasm, look as if they’re drinking vinegar through their eyes. Jesus, dude, you’re like a turtle shitting. Sorry. I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time and she agreed. But then she was livid when I told her she wasn’t either of them. I did have a threesome once, many years ago. I was in my mid-20s, I was seeing this girl, not that serious a relationship, but it transpired she had a twin. So I asked. You don’t ask, you don’t get. There’s a lesson in life. I asked, I got, and I’m glad I did. It was fucking awesome. Because, if anything, her twin was better looking than her and an all-round great guy. Yeah, you knew something was coming. But you didn’t know it was going to be her brother in her. Sometimes, you can sense that a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night. You think, “This doesn’t feel right, you’re my best friend. You’re not even allowed on the couch.” “Bad dog! Down, boy.” I didn’t fuck a dog. We made love.

Men over-promise in the bedroom. Not just me. I think all men are guilty. Men are full of the… “I’m going to make love to you all night long.” Are we though? Really? Like every man in this room, the only time I’ve ever wanted to have sex twice is before I’ve had sex once. “I’m going to make love to you all night long. Or, until I get sleepy.” “Let’s see which comes first.” “I came first.” “Night night.” You look like a ventriloquist’s doll. What’s it like to get fisted by men? So that was I look like a ventriloquist’s doll, and then you add… That’s insulting enough. And then you added because I like to get fisted by men. If you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. You posh cunt. A lot of people think I’m posh. I’m not that posh. Who thinks I’m posh? Well, compared to you, yes, but… I’m not as posh as people think. I went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge.

I’ve got a question just for the ladies in the room. All women I know have got a very clear line. On one side of the line, things they’re happy, comfortable, confident and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner. On the other side of the line, things they’ve been asked to do by a man that they said, “No, that is not happening.” What I would like to know, ladies, what is the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do by a man? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? I don’t mean reverse park or wash up. I mean… Within a sexual context, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? Stick a finger in their bum. “Stick a finger in their bum.” I said, “What’s the weirdest thing?” Maybe you didn’t hear. Weirdest thing a man’s asked you to do. Pee on him. Pee on him? Had he been stung by a jellyfish? He wanted you to do a wee on him? Now, how long had you been with the guy before he said, “Would you mind doing a wee on me?” Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes? I’m not sure you weren’t just walking past a tramp, love. Any other interesting ones? Anyone been asked to do anything weird, ladies? Be a dog. What, sorry? Whoa, shut up! This sounds very interesting. What was that? Be a dog. Did you say, “Be a dog”? Yes. What did that involve? What did you have to do? A collar and a leash. You had to wear a collar and a leash? And be a dog? Man’s best friend. What did he say? “I’m going to give you a bone.” I’m not expecting more answers. This is just my favorite bit of the show. Because I enjoy looking at nervous men. I can see men… I can see you out there, sir. I can see you with your hand on your partner’s leg. What are you applying? 200-300 pounds’ worth of pressure? You haven’t said anything to her, have you? You just gave her a look that said, “Shut your fucking mouth.” “I just wanted to try it. It’s only a finger. It doesn’t make me gay.”

I’ve got a theory about sex within long-term relationships. Because the received wisdom in our society is that men ask for sex. It’s the man that says to the woman, “Do you want to go upstairs for a bit of how’s-your-father, a bit of slap and tickle, a bit of sticky belly?” It’s a medical term. The idea that men have got a sex drive and women are merely passive. I call bullshit, I reckon it’s about 50-50 in most heterosexual relationships, asking for sex. But the reason you don’t notice as much when women ask for sex is because, when women ask for sex in a long-term relationship, it happens. She doesn’t have to ask twice. Trust me, if you’ve been with a woman for 18 years and she says, “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yep.” It doesn’t matter what else is going on. You could be full of flu. “Yep.” You could have just received devastating news. “Yep. I’ll call them back.” You could have just been shot in the leg by her. “Come on. We’ll talk about this after.” But, as a man, sometimes you’ll proposition the love of your life, the woman you live with. You’ll say, “Shall we do the bad thing?” She’ll say, “No.” And then she’ll give you some mercurial, strange reason as to why you couldn’t possibly have sex at this moment in time. And then you can’t think of a counter argument because all the blood is somewhere else so you can’t focus. So I thought, why don’t we workshop it?

What reasons have you heard, gentlemen, for not having sex? She has to pick Shane up from school. “She had to pick Shane up from school.” Very good. Shane, it would appear you’re getting fucking rinsed on Netflix, my friend. Hope you’re cool with that. Any other reasons for not having sex, gentlemen? What else have you heard? Headache. Headache. Classic. Easy to deal with as well. If a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got a headache,” just say, “I’ll be right at the other end. I literally couldn’t be further away from that problem. Also, I’m fucking you. We’re not doing Sudoku. You’re not going to need your wits about you for this.”

We might be overheard. You might be overheard? You’re worried about making noise. Yeah. Stick around after the show, sir. I could teach you how to make love to a woman so the loudest she’s going to be is… Hmm. Possibly an, “Is it in yet?,” but nothing that’s going to wake anyone up. Any other… What, sorry? Tired. Tired is probably the most common these days. I think if a woman says she’s tired, you’ve got to listen. You’ve got to acknowledge. Feedback, so she knows she’s been heard. And then make a suggestion. I know that sounds obvious, but there’s a huge difference between making a suggestion to a woman and making a demand on a woman. Make a suggestion. If she wants to go with it, great. If not, you’ve got to respect that. So if a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex. I’m really tired,” I’d say, “Well, of course, you’re tired. I hear you.” “You’ve got the house. You’ve got the kids. You’ve got work. You must be exhausted, love. So why don’t you, and it’s just a suggestion, but why don’t you do what you normally do and just fucking lie there?” “You lazy fucking cow.”

Any other excuses for not having sex? On the blob. “On the blob.” Mr. Darcy’s in, ladies. Yeah, part of life, isn’t it? You know, period, menstruation. She’s up on bricks. The decorators are in. Liverpool are playing at home. She’s got the red devil in her belly. Aunt Flow has come to stay. She’s at the Women’s Institute… making jam. It’s shark week. Or, as most modern women these days prefer to say, on the blob. If a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got my period,” I would say, “Well, your arse isn’t bleeding… yet.” What I’d like to do now is torpedo this gig with some very edgy jokes. So then you can all leave thinking, “Thank fuck that’s over.” You’re welcome. Strap in, everyone. Let’s do this. I saw the chief of the New York City Police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, “I should fucking hope not, it’s your phone number.”

Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls. Do they blow themselves up? If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral, she would be… spinning in her ditch. It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm, but apparently, I ruined that funeral. I was in a strip club, I saw a girl do a thing with a bottle. I was disgusted. Red wine with fish? Throwing acid is wrong in some people’s eyes. I saw a headline in the paper. It said, “Man held after rape.” I thought… “They cuddled?” I actually bought a rape alarm. Because I kept on forgetting when to rape people. Is it wrong… You be the judge. Is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theater “the cabbage patch”? Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation, they can work to a deadline. That’s an unfortunate response from some of you, because that joke is only there to warm you up for this joke. I think the Make-A-Wish Foundation should be forced to change their name from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to the “No, Make Another Wish, We Can’t Do Anything About That” Foundation. I know. If only Africa had more mosquito nets, than every year we could save millions… of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

It’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you very much indeed. I appreciate it. That’s my show. Cheers, goodnight.

♪ I got money in the bank ♪
♪ I got news for you baby You’re looking at the man ♪
♪ I got skin in the game ♪
♪ I don’t feel no pain ♪
♪ I got news for you baby You’re looking at the man ♪
♪ Who’s the man? Who’s the man? ♪
♪ I’m the man, I’m the man ♪
♪ Who’s the man with the plan? I’m the man ♪


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