JIMMY CARR: BEING FUNNY (2011) – Full Transcript

According to Ofcom, the people that make guidelines for television, the most offensive words on TV are the F word and C word, but I'm live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the fuck I like. And those cunts can't do anything about it.

Recorded live at the Birmingham’s Symphony Hall

Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Altogether now. 5,4,3,2,1 Ladies and gentlemen. Please give it up for Jimmy Carr.

Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s not fuck about. Before we get started who has seen me before? Who has never seen me before? You sound happier. I’m not entirely sure this is working.
According to Ofcom… The people that make guidelines for television. According to Ofcom, the most offensive words on TV are the F word and C word, but I’m live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the fuck I like. And those cunts can’t do anything about it.

I got trouble getting up tonight, Had to organize a baby sitter. I don’t have children. I found out, they are cheaper than escorts. She is 17, there is nothing she won’t do for 50 pounds. It’s sort of half a joke, That isn’t? Cos its quite funny but also true.

When I’m away from home I sometime get love sick. Well, They call it chlamydia.
I spend a lot of my time away from home, cause this is my job. I travel around the country telling jokes to people. I love it. But I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels, because I have to travel. I was in a hotel couple of weeks ago, walked into the hotel room, as I walked in there, just on the TV it said: “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought: “That’s a bit specialist” I’m joking. I was gutted, no Spas porn.
I’m sure you’ve all seen this, Birmingham. On trains, they have got seats reserved for elderly, disabled and pregnant people. Begs the question: who is fucking all these old cripples?

Have you ever heard something so dumb its almost brilliant? So stupid that it takes you a moment to work out what just happened. I give you an example. I was on a bus. I heard this girl get on the bus. Walked up to driver and go: “Can I get returned?” And the driver went: “Where to?” And She went: “Back here.” It took me like an extra beat to… what’s going on? Oh she is a fucking idiot. “Case Closed.”

People worry about their physical appearance. We all got silly hang-ups. Personally I worry that one of my ball is bigger, than the other two.

I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil Nuts” Makes me giggle. Cos it tickles when I do it.

The first few weeks of joining weight watchers, you are just finding your feet. Well done. Altogether or not at all on the laughter I think. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Don’t fuck about. You getting it late nonsense.

Are there any ginger people in tonight? We got any ginger people? We have contained the problem there Good.. Ginger people get given hard time. People say very unkind things about gingers. But I think you should be destroyed humanely.
I can talk, check out the look. I’m rocking like a Lego Hitler. Das is Sta, hm?

When I broke up with my last girlfriend I said: “I blame myself, I should never have let you… let yourself go.” But you have so you have to fuck off.”

Do you read the Sunday papers, Birmingham? Do you read the Sunday papers? I like the papers on Sunday morning. These are nice times to reflect on last week and also to look ahead for next week. We read the Sunday paper like News of the World in bed, Sunday morning. Couple of weeks ago. Tea, toast, Sunday paper. What could be nice… What could be more British anyway; my girlfriend turns to me, there is some sex scandal in News of the World. As there invariably is. My girlfriend turned to me and went: “I hope I never find out you are having an affair”. I said: me too.

You could be moral arbiter on this one Birmingham. Right? You be the moral arbiter on this one this evening. I have got a friend he got dumped by his girlfriend. She ended their relationship. Just because he said something. They were making love, they were mid-coitus. Fucking. As he orgasm, as he arrived, ejaculated, came. Most intimate, but also most vulnerable time for man. As that occurred as he… He said: Bang! and dirty is gone” I can see two distinct groups of men. There are some men looking at as if to say: “I don’t think that’s not bad”. “I think she has over-reacted a little bit.” And I can see other men looking at me as if to say, “Note to self.”
You gotta be very careful with jokes in the bedroom. Cause it quite funny to say to the girl Who is sucking you off: “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But its even funnier if she says: “Well, its not full.”

Having sex with someone at work is all right. As long as you don’t work in a Primary school.

I have got a friend who is a part time teacher. Well, they all are part time. Are there any teachers in? Come on, its your own time you are wasting. Where the teachers? Give us a shout. The teachers What was it that first attracted you to… children? Not all teachers obviously that will be mental. But P.E teachers, They are Rongans. Do you know what P.E is short for? Paedo. It’s a fact. You can look that up.

You know why so many American kids die in high school massacres? It’s cos they are not allowed to run in corridors. Take your time with that. That’s wrong on number of levels.

I don’t know if you have notice this Birmingham. Its very difficult to get the first kiss right. You wanna be firm but gentle…. You wanna be manly…. You don’t wanna wake her up.

First dates are very delicates. Anyone on first date this evening? Is anyone on first first date? No? – Yeah, yeah. On your own? Seems a little bit suspect, doesn’t it? “We are going somewhere very special.” Sorry, I realised women don’t masturbate You just expect us to believe You really enjoy baths. Well, good luck if you are on first date You see first dates are very delicate. Cause if you call her the next day She will think you are too keen She’ll be put off. If you never phone she’ll think the worst of you. So what I do is a compromise, I phone her the next day and call her a slag.

Sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think: “This doesn’t feel right you are my best friend.” You not even allowed on the couch. “Bad Dog, Down Boy.” Did I say, “Down Boy?” Ah, I have made it gay.

I fucked a girl with one leg. Should have used my cock. You know, I realize this joke doesn’t require a mime. Its Saturday night in Birmingham. Come on!

I said to my girlfriend, I said: “Do you wanna experiment with role play with rape fantasy?” She said: “No!” I said: “That’s the spirit!”

Rape is such a horrible word its such a harsh brutal, awful word. Rape. That’s why I prefer to call it: “A struggle snuggle.” You couldn’t stay mad at a struggle snuggle. Could you? Bloody adorable.

Now, I been a comedian now for about ten years. I been doing this for about ten years, I thought this year.. I thought this year I would try and get a bit better. Not a crazy idea right? One of things I was quite weak on was regional accents. Is anyone here good at regional accents? – AYE. You could barely say the word “Yes,” there so… You are not even good at talking, never mind accents. But I was no good at doing regional accents And its one of those things as a comedian. Its quite good if you could be good at regional accents. Cos it’s good for telling jokes. I thought well I Go away I do some research. This evening I would like to give you a master class in regional accents. Cause I have discovered the secret and secret is this. All you need is key phrase to get you started in regional Dialect and then you go on with it. Once you get started once you get it in your head you’re fine. But getting started can be tricky.
So I would kick off with, I tell you what I’ll kick off with Scouse? Any Scouses in We have got Scouse over there? Where is the Scouse? Give us a shout. Don’t worry. We are not gonna take your benefits away. This is the phrase I use to do the Scouse accent. This is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in the Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “A can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Little head bubble just comes if you say it a few times. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Let’s make Scouses feel at home. Let’s every one, on 3 “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” OK? 1-2-3 – “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Fantastic, Birmingham. Bloody well done. Obviously that’s just to get you started. Once you get started then you say something properly authentically Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I’m going on the rob.” “I gotta get a presie.” “It’s me gran’s birthday.” “She is 30.”
Anyone in from Belfast? You are Belfast? Where is Belfast? Hey Belfast. This is the phrase I use to get Belfast accent right. “Ginger and Community.” The terrifying stare is optional. But I find it helps. “Ginger and Community.” “Community” Has more syllables than you thought it had. OK, lets try every one, lets go Belfast. “Ginger and Community.” 1-2-3 – “Ginger and Community.” Perfect. You are now all qualified to say “There is a bomb in the car.”
Roller Coaster, Pooper-Scooper, Umpa Lumpa, Kawasaki. Four unrelated words. Meaningless in all respects other than if you are trying to do the Geordie accent. In which case they are fucking gift “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. Kawasaki. Makes me happy. All together, Rolla Costa – “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” – “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. – “Umpa-lumpa.” Kawasaki. – “KAWASAKI.” Perfect.
Are there any Geordies in? No. Presumably they are outside with their shirts off fighting. But I wonder what the fellas are up to?
Welsh. Have we got any Welsh people in? – Yeah! My God we have got an army. I have discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn’t so much a phrase. Its more a state of mind. To do a good Welsh accent you just gotta sound… Confused. “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Let’s all try. “Whose coat is that jacket?” – “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” – “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Perfect. “See those two houses… the one in the middle is mine.” “That paper you sitting on. Are you reading that?” “I came out of the shop and there was my bike, “Gone.”
Anyone from Manchester? No one from Manchester? Accent is pretty easy for Manchester You just need three words. “Saw it.” “All right.” “Not Bad.” You know one of my best friend is from Manchester. He is called Ali. He was named after where he was conceived.
Any Scottish people in? We got Scottish? Hello. You are living the stereotype, aren’t you love? Obviously for the Scottish accent. Probably the best phrase to use is “There’s been a murder!” Chances are, there’s probably fucking has been. Of course living in Scotland, the main benefits are: Unemployment and housing. See the Scouses here are perked up. Like a Chave meercat. There’s is a bit of drink problem in Scotland. I hope you don’t mind me saying? Up there, they think I’m a double act. And drunks. You wouldn’t believe the fucking drunks. Whereabouts Scotland you are form? Fort William? I don’t know where the fuck that is. What? What sorry? You got sort of accent that meets speech impediment I think. Lockness Monster? You introducing yourself? Sorry. Didn’t mean it. Sorry. But the drugs in.. Drugs in Scotland Up there a drug called metadone: I can’t believe its not heroin.”
Think that the easiest accent in UK is the West Country. Cause the West Country is just a pirate voice. Isn’t? Who can’t do a fucking pirate voice? Arrrgh! I’m going on a date. With my sister. Hope my mummy doesn’t find out. I’m cheating on her. Are there people in from West Country? Hey there, Hi. Hello. I’m not being patronising. I just thought it will be a treat for you to see hand with five fingers. Look like that..
Now what would be the phrase. You always gonna try and do the Birmingham accent What would be the phrase for Birmingham? All right? All right? Other Phrase that comes up a lot in Birmingham: “It’s fucking shitty.” “All right?” “It’s fucking shitty.” Any other phrases for Birmingham? What was that? That was all just vowels! What was it? have ya al right? have ya all right. Have you had a stroke? Said I shouldn’t really joke about stroke if I ever had a stroke I would be laughing at the other side of my face. Are there any other words? Any other key phrases for Birmingham? Ah what sorry? Cup of tea? How am ya? How am ya? How am ya? Poorly educated.
Have we got any other exotic accents in the room? Any one from over seas or anywhere exciting? Anyone from UK that we have missed. Any other place in the UK – Jersey. Jersey? You haven’t got an accent, you tax dodging scum. Who knew there was that much anti-Jersey feeling? Simmering under. Finally some one said it! You are basically French, now fuck off. Has anyone got a different accents we haven’t covered. Essex? You Muggy MILF you Fucky Slag. Come on, Come on Fucking Slag I don’t know how they make Essex men. Presumably a man who fucks a chicken. They got a lot of that going on Any others? What, Sorry? Aussie? I can do Aussie…
Yorkshire! Yorkshire? It’s 25 Pounds a ticket, i thought we priced you out Yorkshire? Yorkshire. Say what I like and I like what I bloody well say. Wicked, Tele, Froogle Cricket. My favourite Yorkshire phrase is “tin tin tin.” Which means: “It isn’t in the tin.” Tin tin tin. Tin tin tin.
Where is Australian? Give us a shout Australian man. You still fucking there? Where are you? I can do Australian. Is it the Prime Minister or President. I can never remember. But I can Alaf from Home & Away. Which ever one he is. You are acting like a bloody hoon mate. Alarigan and prized Galaveer What ever the fuck a Galaveer is. Whereabouts in Australia you are from? Melbourne. So you weren’t affected by the flooding, were you? Is that why you sat so high up? “I’m not taking any fucking chances but” I mean people..You know. People lost every thing in the flooding. Cos they had forgotten to tie their Kangaroos down. Serious. People Drowned. And you wouldn’t have expected that. Cos they all were wearing hats with corks on.
Any others? What? What was that one? You are Chinese? You don’t really sound Chinese Sir. I’ll be honest with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would… It would smack a “Razy Lacism”. Oh That take you a long time innit? “Hang on, Hang on. Oh no. Got it” Any others? Jamaican? Jamaica? You know what my name is? You aware of this? Oh well this will be a treat for you. I would like every one in the room to say my name in Jamaican accent. 1-2-3. – JIMMY CARR. I’m “Jamaica.” Did he went: “Yeah.” Bombaclat. Apparently we got some bombaclat in. I don’t know. Hold on a bloody minute.
Any others? Dublin? Where is the Dublin? Hello! You from Dublin? I saw documentary about your weddings I thought that was terrific That’s my fav.. You know I’m a plastic paddy. What they call a plastic paddy I got Irish parents, Irish passport, Born in Ireland But I speak and present myself in this way because I was raised and educated in home county’s which goes to show what you can do. When you apply yourself.
Do you wanna hear my favourite Irish joke. Maybe only Irish people get this joke. I’ll tell you and see. What’s the difference between a riot and a gypsy weeding? You can’t buy a gate at a riot. Maybe that’s just an Irish thing I don’t know…

Well, we’ll move on. Every year in my show I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception. So what I thought I do right now is show you some of the pictures I have done to illustrate the next jokes. Do you wanna see them? – Yeah. Excellent news. Cause that is what happens next I had some ideas. I kick off with some ideas I have had a idea for a Rape Alarm that when you press it plays Benny Hill theme music. You know to make it more of a keeper.

Some advice for you. The best way to test the temperature of bath is with the Baby’s elbow.

I had an idea how to proper par currency the Pound against Euro and the Dollar. What you do is you print new Pounds and this time the Queen is smiling. And if things get really bad… tits out your majesty. Lil joke for you. What would you get if you cross the Queen and prince Philip Killed in a tunnel. -Carr Killed by Fiat Driver- Too soon? Its been 14 years. Get over it. All right, Point taken. I’ll drop that from Royal Variety. I say that Prince Philip have already pissed himself. Although he is 82.He probably piss himself anyway.

Some thoughts for you.
When you think about it a Rhino is just a Unicorn that didn’t moisturise.
Gillette. Gillette claims to be “The best a man can get”. What about a blow job from twins? Whatever happened to Jedwood? The speed men shaving adverts. If I shave to that kind of speed my balls are being shreds When I was told I was bipolar I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Friend’s of mine got OCD. For those of you that don’t know OCD is an abbreviation It’s just a shorter and quicker way of saying. I’d be a really annoying girlfriend. True Story.

If all the veins in your body were laid out in straight line You would die.

Let’s talk about some social issues.
My neighbour is noisy and nosey. He is always banging on the walls shouting: “Is anyone there? I have fallen, is anyone there?” It’s none of your business, if anyone is here. Still he has gone quiet now.
Childhood is now effectively over by 11. Which is when pubs close and uncle Terry gets home. Owh. Uncle Terry.
I was traumatized as a child. Our Priest was cheating on me.
I just want to reach out to people that have attempted suicide and say: “Come on, Have another go.”
Keys to the city, That’s a weird thing. Keys to the city. Course they don’t have that in Liverpool do they? You just get given a coat hanger.
As of fashion statements Socks with sandles says: I’m either a German, a paedophile or a cunt. Quite possibly… all three. Apologies to any paedophiles or cunts we have in. Its not gonna be any Germans… it’s a comedy gig.

Health: Lets talk about health. Health is important. Isn’t it? I heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy Its a good idea to take off your weeding ring. So I did Posh Spice. Victoria Beckham. She is so thin she gotta be careful when she has a bath Cause if the water is to hot she could turn into stock Obese Children put a lot of strain on NHS. Not to mention See-Saws and swings You know if things carry on as they are it is predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43.

I tell you what, let’s talk about religion, that could not possibly upset anyone If Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is be in Christ? Then, aren’t Christians just in the way? Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age gap. Now you have notice out of deference and respect to our Lord and Saviour: Jesus Christ I have let him bum me.
I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious. Feel the tension in the room… I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious, he knows the Quran backwards. Which is handy cause that’s how you read it. Surprisingly well informed and inoffensive joke about Islamic faith. And that’s because I’m not a fucking idiot. What the Christians gonna do? Forgive me? Good luck with that.
Speaking of Christians any Catholics in? A few Catholics. Catholics are a weird bunch. Look at the Rosary. Basically anal beads. Thank you very much. Excellent.

Now I think next thing for me career wise Ladies and Gentleman will be doing some sort of interview show where I talk to people. You know this kind of set up. Couple of chairs. You face off against each other. Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton. Those kind of shows. That would be great to get but you can’t just start doing that on TV like day one. That would be tricky. So I thought what I would do on this tour is practice. Get some one out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and get a bit of practice with the interviewing. So to that end, does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame? Oh go on, your hand goes straight up, what do you do? You are on TV in Poland. I will take that to mean, you work in adult film business. You been on Polish TV. That’s a claim to fame well done you. And Polish Radio. Well Finally. That fucking sealed the deal. Ok. Any other claims to fame, Interesting jobs? Any other? It could be from anywhere. You are a priest. Who is a priest? You are a priest? I’m looking at you. I think you might had some dealing with priests. Just stand up, just for a second. Turn around so that people can see you. You see, I mean, am I… am I being cynical? Cause he is definitely not a fucking priest. Any other interesting jobs? What sorry? – I own my own pizza shop. You own your own pizza shop. Is that a fucking job for yourself. “I own me own Pizza Shop.” There is a massive problem with obesity in this country, you should be fucking ashamed. Pizza, well done!! And best Pizza you say? – Voted best pizza in Britain. Voted best pizza in Britain by….. You? Best independent Pizza Co…. I didn’t care the first time. Any other unusual jobs or claims to fame? – I’m a funeral director You are what? – Funeral Director. A Funeral director.. Love.. Your voice couldn’t go any better with your job “He is fucking dead.” “How am ya?” “Dead” “Its fucking shitty” A funeral director, That’s interesting.. I mean as a job that’s fascinating. Any other interesting jobs? What’s your name? Caroline, What you do Caroline? You work in T.V. What do you do in T.V.? You work on what, sorry? You work on Holby City. Well done. I love it. I Love what you have done with Holby City. I think the fucking genius move with Holby City was casting Hugh Lauriho, and changing the location to America. Well done you. I think we should talk to the Funeral… Should we talk to the funeral director? Funeral director. What are the chances of you getting down here. Don’t fucking jump or we would have to bury you. Make your way down to here then we can talk to funeral director. That sounds exciting While he is making his way down… Yeah give him, give him a smash While he is making his way down cause its a big old venue, it’ll take him a minute.
Any other claims to fame in the room any other exciting… You are what? You are a palaeontologist? In Birmingham? In any case if Dinosaur.. Its dinosaur bones, yes? And you look at those not just dinosaur, have you got any part time job in Aztec? What else do you look at? Different fossils. WOW! Palaeontology is brilliant wonderful scientific thing to do. I did a project on Dinosaurs when I was six. I loved it. I was very excited, I did lot of pictures and I stuck them in and I did a whole project on Dinosaurs and I love them. And then what I did, and – this is an interesting note to you – I grew up. Still doing my Dinosaur book, I like it. Rrraaa! I will indulge you.. What’s your favourite Dinosaur? Velociraptor. Because of Jurassic Park. Ah, But you might as well have said Barney Grow up.
Where the fuck has this undertaker gone? I’m starting to worry that there has been a death in the village and he’s been called away Where the fuck is he? Where the fucking hell did you come from? Come and say Hello! You are a funeral director. Hello, How are you? Come and say hello. Right, how are you Sir? Have a sit down. I’m all right. What’s your…. Sorry, how am Ya? …………. OK. You are not a gangster rapper. Just hold that like…. Hold that like a normal human being. What’s your name? I didn’t even get your name. John! John, OK. Well I will set this up properly. Hello, my name is Jimmy Carr and I’m joined this evening by John The Funeral director from Birmingham. John, tell us sir, what is your… What is your average day? Involve making coffins and doing funerals. Doing Funerals? Yeah, yeah, “making coffins”. Yeah, yeah, collecting deceased, I’m slightly terrified by you. How do you… So you collect the body? In a hearse or? Just the back of transit? In the private ambulance. Sort of like a transit but a bit more sophisticated. Bit more sophisticated. When you say “private ambulance”, is it just a transit with ambulance written on it in paint , in dirt? Not really, Not quite like that. So you go and collect them from the.. So you have to turn up all kind of you know in black suit and stuff? Do you? Yeah, yeah, that’s why I’m sitting here and nobody recognizes me. They are not gonna recognize you anyway cause they are dead That’s probably…. I just.. I can’t believe I’m here with you. Nice one.. This is unreal. Must be lovely to meet some one who is still breathing. Lovely fucking change for you. Do you get involved in the embarming? Not so much now. When I first started I had a bit you know, I had with that stuff, but not so much now. I been doing it for years. Sorry, so “not so much now” sounds like there was an incident that stopped you from doing it. Nah Nah Nah Sounds like, well hang on get away from there I tend not to.. Do much with the bodies any more If that’s.. That’s the right thing to say. You don’t do so much with the bodies now? No No. I’m more to do with coffins and funerals. Now you work in this industry. Is there any…Now necrophilia is something that is talked about. I’m only asking Cos, because people think they are gonna get away with it. But ultimately you know, they’d get caught cos some rotten cunt will spilt on them. It’s my necrophilia joke everyone. You are welcome, I haven’t been caught yet. You haven’t been caught

Do you know any of my favourite, like funeral joke? Not undertaker joke. I don’t know if it like based on the true thing. You might even know this even. There, there.. Old lady, beautiful nice old lady her husband died, she goes to the funeral parlour or where you work She was talking to the guy that does your job and he says:He is beautifully laid out That classic sort of thing always: “Never looked better, Looks lovely But” “I wanted him to be in his blue suit, and you got him in brown suit” “Could you put him in his blue suit, I mean his brown suit” and guy says: “Not a problem madam” and then leans out on door and goes “Change the heads on two and four” Cos presumably once you burying them Do things get stopped Do people get buried with jewellery? Na na nothing like that. Its a nice watch man Just so you live in Birmingham? Just outside Birmingham. Black Country. Black country in a Black Country. Racist That’s an interesting thing. How did you get into being a… I did my work experience when I was in school You did your work experience Yeah yeah Sounds like you turned up to that meeting late What’s left sir? Well you are gonna be working with corpses That’s quite a cool thing. Isn’t? Sure Has anyone ever woken up? No. Cos you hear stories about something to do with fluids in spine You hear stories about people kind of bolt up right Oh never, Never Nothing like that Nothing like that.You just position them How you want your own way John You come up with the thing you like I think its an interesting thing to do It a lifeless ordeal to work as funeral director kind of corpses and things And death you gotta deal with it. Part of life Whatever I feel, I should give something back and the thing I’m good at is writing jokes. I’m good at doing one liners so I would like to do A joke for you about any.. Its sort of like.. It’s what I can do. What I can offer the world is jokes. So what would you like a joke about? Could be anything at all. Could be funeral directing could be getting married, Could be anything you want Anything at all. I will write a joke of the top of my head just really quick Drum and bass Music. Why did.. Why did the Lion get lost in the forest I don’t know Because Jungle is massive. I think.. I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing Why don’t you go for something else. Something more difficult. Anything at all Motor Bikes All right OK.OK two motorcycle guys Bikers Like Hells Angels Bikers. Two Guys massive Bikes Walk into a bar. They are all in Holy Debs and kit Whatever Helmets on. Walk into a bar. Barman sees them coming. Bar man Goes: “Drinks, Gentlemen?” And the Bikers go: Cos, its two of them That’s pretty good though. Time out, Could you just…. John, This is not like a set up thing? I don’t know you right? So off the top of my head you said Bikers you could’ve said anything Motor Bikes and I did Bikers and off the top.. Two of them and then.. Brilliant. John every one. Give him round of applause Thank you so much Really appreciate coming out man. Thank you so much. John everyone I very much enjoyed my brilliant motor bike joke There was no joke there John We were just fucking with you He is the nicest man. I hope when I die he buries me Don’t interfere John Leave that alone I didn’t like it when I was alive

Right, More of me My Girlfriend said to me during sex She said: “Did you remember to lock the front door?” I said: ” yeah, There is no way you gonna escape” I had a relationship with a blind girl Which was rewarding but challenging. It took me ages to Get her husband’s voice right. You didn’t see that coming Neither did she…

Who picks up guide dog’s shit? Some young women drink so much they black out And can’t remember what happened the night before If that’s you, Don’t worry Love I made a video

I shouldn’t joke. my grand dad was an alcoholic We used to call him “Alcho Pops”

I remember I used to press flowers Well I say they used to fall over a lot in the garden

Have you been to cinema recently? has anyone been to cinema? There is an advert now in cinema telling you not to buy pirate DVDs Because its not the real cinema experience And it goes on to say, because if you buy a pirate DvD Someone might get up in the middle of film And go for a piss and you think, Yeah that is annoying But its a lot like being in the cinema

My ex girlfriend bought me the Kamasutra last year as a gift Which put me in very awkward position.

I would like to talk about a sex act that i don’t fully understand Are you all familiar with the 69 Yes? I like the 69 as much as the next man Hoping that isn’t a man that would be terrible. I like the 69 but I don’t really understand it because its incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being But how does 69 ever occurred Only ever happens when the man says to woman “Would you do that thing that I like?” And woman goes all right “but only if you do the thing that I like” Not a problem there you go And the woman says: No because the last time I did the thing that you liked You were little bit sleepy afterwards You fucked off to sleep. You said we’d call it 68. It’s like the 69 but I owe you one I like every thing about 69 apart from the view. The Paraneium or tint I like to call it the Amanda Holden. Because Like Amanda Holden, on Britain got talent last year Its the bit between ass hole and cunt

Piers fucking Morgan. He is interviewing people now When I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinson’s, I didn’t mean his fucking job You shaking your head at Parkinson’s joke That’s inappropriate.

All right lets try some rude stuff see how we get along. Lady wind Queefing Fanny Farts The Expulsion of air from Vajayjay during sexual intercourse A Cunt Grunt There are two main responses when a queef occurs. Some couples it doesn’t matter how gnarly and squishy the noise They deny the queef. Did you hear anything? No I didn’t hear anything And they move on Some couples its a funny little noise They’ll have a little giggle they move on Not a problem. I like to go on a third way I like to pretend that vagina is talking to me. What’s that? “there’s a boy trapped down in a well” I like to think of myself as The Vagina Whisperer.

What happened? Did you get a phone call? This Scottish lady got a phone call I imagine drugs are arriving any minute You all right? You switched it off and it rang anyway Ah well, I’m not buying that fucking story Don’t worry. It’s OK. Its only a phone Don’t feel bad Oh sorry, Its a late alarm to come and see me Come and see me that I’m fucking late. You are not the one that I booked for the interval? Are ya?

Its very difficult to get the dirty talk right. Have you noticed this? Its very difficult to get dirty talk right like in long term relationship its fine. Because you know where your boundaries are and you know your partner but on a one night stand fraught with danger I’ve got a story concerning a friend of mine He is quite good at pulling We were all at a party together and he pulled a girl that none of us knew. Ended up back at her place having sex well done him. High Five He told us the story the next day he said she started it They were having sex She said: “Talk dirty to me” Or more accurately: “Talk dirty to me” So from the Rolodex of filth in his head he came forth with this. And this would be fine for many of the ladies here. Within the confines of bedroom. Within the boudoir this would be an ok thing to say. With the long term loving trusting partner One a one night stand, Maybe not He said: “You love it you slut.” She said: ” I’m not a slut.” And that was a very awkward moment. Awkward as moments can be When you just insulted some one you are balls deep in He apologised profusely needless to say and they moved on. I imagine there’s a story there Madam. Well you know how you got a phrase you are not meant to say, Its all You could think to say. It’s on the tip of your tongue So like two minutes later my friend he somehow lost track of he wasn’t meant to say Says it again “You love it you slut.” She said:” I’m not a slut” And he got into an argument with her he didn’t mean to. It was like a reflex When she said: “I’m not a slut” for the second time. He went: “We have just met” She said: You don’t know me. He said: “But that just proves my point.”

Are there any couples in this evening? Give us a shout, the couples. – YEAH uh, Lots of couples in tonight This is a bit silly I think, uh But for valentine I got my girlfriend sex vouchers as her present I didn’t realise they were transferable. Turns out they accept them at Whole Work.

You get to the stage in long term relationship where you wanna experiment sexually But you know it could be awkward and.. And what if she finds out

I’m ten years being into a relationship now Any one beat that longer than ten years? – Yes What’s the longest we got in the room? 13? 26. Any one more than 26? 28. More than 28? For how long? Sorry? You been married together for 43 years? I think come on; 43 years. Now I obviously, I don’t know what’s its like after 43 years I think that’s an extraordinary commitment. Specially in this day and age. That’s quite something I don’t know if its same for you but I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years Things have got quite predictable in the bedroom Now when I lower my entire bowl bag into her mouth She is pretty much guaranteed to wake up. Same? You could see that he just went: “Yes I,,” You look worried on their behalf they have been married 43 years. Don’t panic They have tried everything. What’s your relationship with them? How do you know them? That’s your mum and dad? That’s nice Well I hope that image of your dad tea-bagging your mum hasn’t… I hope, I for one… I don’t know about looking your parents in eyes again. I don’t think you’ll Be able to drink tea. Hi! Shit, Sorry

This would be hard for you to believe I used to be a gentleman I didn’t use to talk about my sexual exploits even with my close friends Never Kiss and tell ALways keep it you know, keep it private Private life for a reason is private Now, I will talk about anything It’s great for me because its catharsis But also, I think its good for everyone Cos you talk about things everyone feels a bit more open and Bit more normal Cos you know there are weird things. Here is an example of an intimate detail i don’t mind sharing with you My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse But its not a problem Because, I … Can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spat it back in my face.

When my first girlfriend choke to death. It was a terrible blow. I had to finish myself off.

There are inequalities between the sexes and I think its universally acknowledged Men get an easier deal in our society than women I can think of an example Where men get a very rude deal You know early on in a relationship before you live together When you Just kind of staying over in each other houses. Very exciting phase in a relationship In the history of the world No man has ever been staying over a girl’s house And found a vibrator in her bedside drawer and there’s been a problem. There is only one reaction on record and That is as follows: “Owh! Hello!” Cheeky What she like But when she finds latex vagina in your socks drawer There is hell to pay. Explanations must be made I say sock drawer, Actually its the Office I say latex vagina it was the receptionist

All right let’s hear from men of Birmingham. Give us shout The Men? – YEAH Specifically give me shout, the heterosexual men of Birmingham -YEAH. Same voices just a little bit lower Have you all.. Had you had the conversation the pub conversation, The classic pub conversation If you had to sleep with a man who would it be? You had that conversation? You had that conversation? You haven’t have that conversation? I’ll save you the embarrassment sir, I tell you what happens in that conversation. So you are in the pub with a mate having a drink talking about love and life, Whatever Out of nowhere, you mate goes: “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “Well if you had to who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t So no one.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t though, So no one.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well…” “Puff!”

I got accused of being gay the other night. I was on stage doing a gig And I had a pink shirt on. Someone accused me of being gay. Gay.. Gay Shirt, Pink Shirt.. Gay. I can’t think of a more masculine colour for a shirt than a pink shirt Cos A pink shirt shows the world you don’t know how to put a wash on. What could be more masculine?

I often get asked: What celebrities have you been with? Have you slept with? I don’t wanna give it the biggin, It was years ago so, Probably it doesn’t matter if I say Do you wanna know? – YEAH. Gary Glitter.

Have any of you seen my impressions? Have you seen my impressions before? I don’t do many. I do a few umm I’d do one one for you now. Are there any lesbians in? Does any one enjoys smashing pastis? No? Are there any lesbians? There must be some lesbian surely. What? Is there pool tournament on? Where are the lesbians? you up there somewhere? There are some lesbians up there. Hello girls how are you? You all right? Very nice to have you in. The impression that I do Its more like piece of physical theatre than impression per say but its the… Hang on cameraman is coming to get the lesbians. Its more a piece of physical theatre than an impression But actually its breakup of same sex relationship between two women. And I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish when love breaks down. When you still love that person but you no longer in love with that person. You gotta go you separate ways. Would you like to perform me for you now? OK Just gimme.. Gimme a second. What did you think was gonna happen? I feel duty bound now.
What’s your name madam? What? Cheralle? OK Fine, Cheralle. Who are you with? Who is the other half? Rosie. Hi. I feel duty bound to ask you the question I have asked every lesbian I ever met. What would it take to get you back on solids? Oh, I got a maybe, Yes I’m two Bacardi Breezers away. Come on.

I often get asked about hackles, That’s a very common question for me. People wanna know what’s your favourite hackle, what’s the worst hackle, That kind of thing I was doing a gig last year. On Rapier Wit tour. The last tour I was doing a joke about Paralympics. Now, when you are doing a joke about Paralympics you gotta be a little bit careful when you are setting up a piece of material like that. That you are not fuck witted, disrespectful. So I was setting up quite carefully, I got one sentence in. All I said was: “My favourite event of the Paralympics.” This guy at the back of the room quick as a fucking flash went: “Cripple Jump.” I wish I hadn’t but i fucking pissed myself.

The other one I loved. I was doing a gig last year in Cardiff and front row centre where you sitting madam, out of nowhere, 20 mins into gig he just went “Dragon”. So there was not massive pause before he said “Dragon”. It was just to let you know what happened there. In my head I had to go: “Whose coat is that jacket.” To get you started in the head. 20 minutes in and he just went “Dragon” I went: “What?” He went: “Dragon”. I know but what you want. He went: “I would like a joke about dragon please.” And he said it like I was the cunt for turning up in Wales without any dragon based humour. So in the interval I felt duty bound to go and write a joke about a dragon. Do you wanna hear my dragon joke? – YES
Ok. Two dragons walk into a pub Don’t panic Johnnie, Makes sense “Brilliant.” Oh I love John. I’m just imagining a funeral.. You know What do they call it when funeral.. and the cars Precession yeah. Funeral precession with drum and bass Has your Hearse got blue lights underneath it? I think that would look quite good like it was haunted. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other: “It’s hot in here” The other one says: “Shut your mouth.”

Now I thought what we might do this evening Birmingham. Obviously You have all come out to see the show this evening. I’m very grateful for that. I love my job I love the fact that you came out to see me live. But we are also friends here And you have bought tickets to come and see me at the show So I tend not to get hackled in the way like I used to get hackled When I used to play the clubs When you used to play the clubs you are unannounced, You know the venue was bigger than the name So people would come along they wouldn’t be invested If they didn’t like it they would shout rude things out I used to love that, Proper aggressive hackling I thought why don’t we .. Cos people tend not to do it at these kind of gigs. Cos People don’t wanna fuck up the evening for themselves or for anyone else. Hold your horses just one second. People tend.. One notable exception People tend not to wanna fuck the gig up. But I thought it’s quite nice, It’s quite a fun thing, hackle So why don’t we have a hackle amnesty? Little Two three minutes, Where you can just fill your boots If you got something abusive to shout Have at it – Cunt, Fuck Bum. Have you actually got Tourettes? That was fas.. so quick Cunt, Fuck Bum Fuck Bum, That’s a weird thing to shout Fuck Bum Like the rudest words you know Fuck Cunt Bum Any other hackles? What? Sorry? Peter Kaye was sold out so you had to come here. Ah! Unlucky! I bet he wouldn’t have called you a cunt. Unfortunately I’m not Peter Kay. Cunt. It’s very different kind of show Peter’s show is good too Any other hackles? My crisps tasted rubbish? Oh no, you didn’t. Oh no, you didn’t. I became Latino there for a second. “No you didn’t” Did you see.. I had crisps Jimmy Con Carne crisps The good people of Walkers for comic relief They Brought out flavour of my crisps It was me and Al Murray, Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry. And then they made these crisps and every packet they Sold, They gave five pence to the starving people in Africa. I said to them: “Why don’t you just send them the fucking crisps?” It got to be make more sense. Isn’t? Cos they can’t be as fussy about the flavours. If you’re starving you’re fine aren’t you? No these are bit.. Nah fair enough. Any other hackles? When’s the comedy on? When’s the comedy on… Really? What’s your name sir? – Ah! Can’t remember. What’s your name? – David. David? What’s your favourite colour, David? – Blue. Blue. OK. Seems like the fairest way to deal with you David. There are so many things I could say Number between 1 and 8 David? – SIX Six. And you said to me: “When’s the comedy on?” It says if you want my “Cum back” You’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. These… These things don’t lie David. These things don’t lie. I’m kidding. She swallowed the lot. Any others? What sorry? I have got a big nose? What are you.. Fucking retarded? I mean, I literally don’t have a big nose. That’s like a weird… It’s like an insult you heard someone else used “That got a big fucking laugh.” That’s gonna work with the comic with the big nose. What’s your name , Sir? Thomas? What do you do, Thomas? You’re a student? What are you studying? Mathematics? Are you at school, Thomas? I don’t know we should continue this any further Cos it started to feel like grooming. You at school? “Yeah, I am at school.” “You got a big nose” I haven’t. Any other hackles? Oh what was that? That sounded good. what was that? What was it? I’m a Paedophile? I was just fucking chatting to him. I have done nothing. Any others? – Jimmy! Yes? – I fucked your mum. Dad? Any other hackles? What, sorry? Posh Prick Posh Prick seems a bit harsh. What’s your name , Sir? Miles. Miles. You think I might be a bit posh. All right Miles, What’s your favourite colour? Blue. Seems like the fairest way to deal with this B-L-U-E Number between 1 and 8 Miles. Four. hmm Says: “If you have come as a cunt you have won.” Pretty good news. Any more for any more? Who the fuck has the side party? You gonna kick yourself when I tell ya: Me… I think you know your doctor isn’t great If the STI check is a taste check

My girlfriend used to smoke after sex. So we started using lubricant.

I was with a girl and she said: “I want this night to be magical.” And it was After I fucked her, I disappeared I got into an argument with my ex. and in the middle of argument she went: “What kind of idiot you take me for?” I couldn’t resist, I went: “A fat one.” In my defence she was fat. She didn’t get sun tan. She got crackling. She was legally required to make a beeping noise when moving backwards. She wasn’t that big when we got together but she Bloomed. I mean I have seen girls put on weight before. But she took the biscuit. On the plus side… Just a nicer way of saying it. I quite like the euphemism.

Of course the classic euphemism if someone is gay, Instead of saying gay You would say, He is a friend of Dorthie’s If some is very fat, I like to say: “He is friend of Greg’s.”

I had a super awkward moment on stage recently So I was on stage doing gig, I said: “Any questions?” And someone went: “Are you gonna have any children” I said: ” I don’t wanna make you feel bad about asking, But My girlfriend and I” “Actually can’t have Children” … The way we do it. Now he is trying the other way Cos you can’t get pregnant in mouth either.

Are there any parents in? Give us a shout parents. Has anyone got parents? You had to think about that You are an idiot. Only point about parents is all parents have got a favourite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favourite. All it mean is “You weren’t it.” Unless you are an only child. If you are an only child and your parents went out to tell you. They didn’t have any favourite. That is bad

With her last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery. She wasn’t in there to pick it up from sorting office.

In a long term relationship its important to be a good listener I think she’s asleep. I might pop down stairs for a wank.

Are you familiar with the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? You heard the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? Yes? – YES I have got a friend that didn’t know what that meant, I used it in a conversation and he didn’t know what it meant I had to explain what a Fuck Buddy was I said: ” it was like a friend you have regular sex with.” He said: “How is that different from a normal relationship?” I said: “That you are friend….” “… and you have regular sex with him” “Its like the opposite of the normal relationship” I found out that the hard way There is a big difference between hanging out with a mate’s girlfriend And hanging out off a mate’s girlfriend Its a lovely term of phrase I can get a job on Sky Sports I have got into an argument with my girlfriend She said: “You treat this house like a hotel” I said: ” I have never snorted cocaine off the hooker tits in this house” I told my girlfriend that top she was wearing was too revealing She said: “Jimmy sometimes cries after sex.”

We got into a row… You would be familiar with this if you are in a long term relationship This is kind of scenario for a row That I think happens a lot We got into a fight on the way back from a party So we went to this amazing party. It’s about 2:30 in the morning. We are driving home So I’m driving. I haven’t had anything to drink, Stone cold sober driving. She’s had quite a lot to drink. I mean in terms of units of alcohol She had an awful lot to drink But she is not drunk and I know she is not drunk I know she is not drunk Because she told me she wasn’t drunk Four hundred fucking times You know like sober people don’t Worst thing about this argument I didn’t even say anything someone else Said something and she was talking about that And I just agreed with the the fact that other person said And it was a fact. It wasn’t a point for debate, it was a fact So driving along right, She is talking a lot I’m listening a little OK My Bad But she is telling me abou the evening in real time And I was there for most of it so I don’t need to be hearing this A lot of stories involve me So driving along She tells me the story.. She got to a point This mutual friend of ours This girl that we both know. She said: “That girl, That girl said that my dress was short” I went: “Yeah it is.” “You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go with her to party?” “Why don’t you drive her home?” It was.. Sure.. It was really short I mean it was what I would call a Grey hound. You call it a grey hound? Or just an inch away from there? It was a really short skirt. So like I went: It is short Yeah. She went: “Uh, You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go back to party and drive her home if you fancy her so much” “Do you mind me saying I got fat legs.” Suddenly fucking Chubaca is in the car “………….” What the fuck.. she is just snorting Next thing I know like within 20 seconds she is pulling on the car door We are doing 40Miles an hour in the middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning She is going: “I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” Trying to open the car door. She is opening it.. She is not wearing the seat belt, Cos she is pissed Opening the car door, Safer.. Um, Opening the car door… I had to stop the car. This is dangerous. Right? So as soon as I stop the car she fucks off out immediately Teetering on heels up the road. No coat, no money, no keys, no idea where she is fucking going “I’d walk home, I’d walk home.You don’t need a fucking girl, I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” . ” I’d walk home” So I had to do the dutiful boyfriend thing of driving along 4 fucking miles an hour “Come on get back in the car” “Its all my fault” It’s not my fault. I haven’t done fuck all here. Come on get back in the car, I will buy you chips. Please just get back in the car. Anyway, Long story short I got arrested for Curve Prowling.

I don’t know about you but I think the best thing about a big passionate argument Is tumbling into bed together afterwards And lying in cold grim silence until dawn. Are you asleep? ” I can’t asleep I’m too full of hate.”

Any fans of make up sex in? Anyone had a good make-up sex? Give us a shout. Yes – YES! Make up sex is pretty awesome but timing is critical Cos if you go over excited you go for make up sex too early And argument still happening, That is a little bit rapey

Let’s hear from ladies of Birmingham. Give us a shout ladies? You have sounded very good spirits Do you think you are easy to live with Ladies? – YES The vast majority said “Yes” This is gonna be educational and informative. I’m gonna tell you how easy you are to live with ladies. I’m gonna do it with a couple of questions. OK? Have you ever met a gay man? – YES! Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree and full of life. “We are going dancing!. Bacardi Breezers! Ha yeah!” Well that’s what we were like before we met you.

Interesting little fact for you: 3% of all new homes are built specifically for pensioners. And they are called coffins.

My grandmother, I loved her to death… Smothered. I’m joking, I fucked her.

Now I don’t normally do political stuff on my stage show on the tour But I saw something that caught my eye recently. It was in Croydon. Any one in here from Croydon? One person down there hope you are having a night of crime Sorry nice tie, My bad So it was this thing. It happened in Croydon. I saw it a local paper down in Croydon. and it was a BNP campaign Are you familiar with this carnival of cunts? It was British National Party campaigner was handing out leaflets In Croydon high street And you know when people are handing out leaflets. I mean how the got leaflets in Croydon high street for the BNP. is the Everest of stupid. Needless to say. But he is.. He is handing out these leaflets You know sometime you don’t look at leaflet When you are in high street. You just pick it up and kinda of take it and couple of steps before you look at the thing So i just picked the leaflet Oh, British National Party, That’s interesting. “Bam” And properly connected with a punch Nope I’m not advocating violence. Never solved anything But on this occasion I would let it go because he gave BNP campaigner a black eye And that is pretty genius. Cause for that fucker that is adding insult to injury.

A lot of planning is going on in London for 2012 Olympics. Sadly most of it is done by AL-Qaida. I just don’t understand it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber? On the off chance You might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a catholic priest and have them now. Life is for living. Am I right?
My favourite suicide bomber of last year… Oh you are better than me. Cos you haven’t got a list. Whatever! Um.. My favourite suicide bomber.. Oh well I have got a couple that I really liked. The Detroit bomber.. Do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas? So he flew into Detroit airport and he had an explosive device in his underpants. The triggering device went off. The explosives did not detonate. So there was smoke blowing around but everything didn’t blow up straight away.. Just smoke blowing. So the other passengers you can imagine in America post 9/11 how they put him out. They didn’t run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stewardess. No. They stamped the fucker out. It quite a camp Flamenco style id if this is anything to go. Possibly with a…. But I mean they fucking ruined this guy They didn’t kill him but they ruined him. Now, normally I would say: “Well, you know what, fuck him.” He was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas. Fuck him very much. But my heart goes out for this guy. Cos his court case is coming up in America in the next couple of months And he is gonna have a very tough time in Court of law defending himself Cos the prosecution has got it so easy. The persecution are just gonna go You telling the truth? Yeah I’m telling the truth “Were your pants on fire?”
My favourite suicide bomber though He was an assassin suicide bomber. In the United Arab Emirates. OK? He was sent to kill one man. He didn’t. He just killed himself. Technically a win for them but I’m very happy with that. OK. So he was sent to kill this guy and in order to get close to the guy he was gonna Try and kill he had to conceal the bomb He had the bomb concealed.. Wait for it… Up his bum Literally a: “Suicide bummer.” I mean if are gonna start putting bombs up their bums The shit is really gonna hit the fan. Now I don’t know how that bomb was detonated But I like to think in this Day and age, Even someone as fuck witted as a suicide bomber even someone that morally retarded would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation And that bomb up his bum would have been detonated something along the lines of “Pull my finger.” And the passers by went: “What did he have for lunch?”

Oh I have got some more pictures. Do you wanna see some more pictures? – YES. -Let’s see some more pictures. I was gonna talk to you briefly about sports Ladies and Gentlemen Chinese gymnast Lu Li Is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the Olympic games Lu Li which is 4feet 3 inches tall Wow Wee… Was the second smallest Ice dancing. Of course Ice dancing won’t be around. Any fans of ice dancing in? Ice dancing of course won’t be around ever because of global warming And AIDS. Snooker and Dance: Snooker and dance have seen their viewing figures Steadily decline since the introduction in 1983 Of remote controls
Just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool The rest are on remand in other cities
Wayne Rooney. He is not as clever as he looks
Let’s talk about technology. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking is sort of half man half computer I bet when he dies, Its a virus He has got medical insurance and Norton.
In America they are called Astronauts In Russia they are called Cosmonauts And in Britain they are called balloonists
The greatest ride at Disney Is the girl that works in the Topy apple kiosk
Pornography. I’ll come to that later.. If you pardon the expression. And the expression of course would be of turtle shitting.

The thing with internet porn is that it still has the power to surprise us. I saw something on internet the other day that really shocked me. It was one man having sex with one woman There was no gang-bang , no DP , No Anal, No Dwarves No Three way, No Water sports, No Girl on Girl ,No Gagging, No Rimming No Granny Fanny No DV No DA No Shemales, No MIlfs No one looked barely Legal. It was just one man having sex with one woman I thought: “Who comes up with this crazy Shit”

Let’s talk about sex. Adult supervision To me Adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras.
The average speed of ejaculation is 43 Miles/hour Which is why it is so important to keep it away from children 20 is plenty Around children you got to be very careful with the language you use for example Say fiddle sticks instead of vibrators
I don’t think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators You have made your decision No more sitting on the fence Either.
Hermaphrodites …Can go and fuck themselves.
A Transvestite is man who dresses to look like a woman And woman they dress to look like is Jane McDonald.

Someone told my girlfriend they best way to improve oral sex was to hum. All I’m saying is theme from Corrie is not erotic Anal sex for women is like Marmite It’s brown and it smells funny. Condoms come in packs of three Ideal for married couples cause its Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine I don’t think you should ever treat your woman as a sex object but I do Think you should give her rinse after you have used her You don’t agree? You rather be left looking like a plaster’s radio
My girlfriend has got a cleanliness problem downstairs Kitchen is a fucking state I’m joking. She actually got a viralin yeast infection in her vagina

Let’s talk about relationships. The last relationship I had I ruined By blurting out: “I love you” too early Which gave away the fact I was hiding behind the curtains
People often ask me about the most embarrassing moment its probably When I was first introduced to my girlfriend’s parents I remember my girlfriend saying: ” There’s the bad man there”
I don’t like the term “Partner” Cause it makes you sound like we are fighting crime
I don’t like the term housewife also, Stay at home mum I prefer to say: “Lazy Sluts.”
My girlfriend says she is good at doing two things at same time. If that’s the case.. Why is the threesome out of the question Don’t judge me I improvised Not that bad it has got a face
I often walk around the house naked Until the neighbour chase me inside
Some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues They had to use a surrogate mother And because of medical Thing they had to use a sperm donor So really what I’m saying is Some people I don’t know just had a baby
One of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is When you wake up in the morning Your eyes are so sticky you could hardly open them My girlfriend has it a lot. Sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits
Right, Final one of these. This is my favourite joke in the show I’m gonna try not to fuck it up but I slightly Fucked it up last night because I giggled half way through I’m gonna dig deep for Birmingham. Come on. OK. I can do this When I broke up with my first wife I didn’t want anything from her in settlement Except a pint of milk, Four egg yolks, Vanilla pod An ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of Single cream She mixed the whole up in the bowl and she threw it at my face On the plus side, I did get custardy. (custody)
Thanks very much I think civil partnerships are gay
Apparently one of the biggest fear is the unknown like… I don’t know
Apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman But what if you wanna find a woman who is still alive
Did you read this, Did you read about this American man that is suing his ex-wife to Get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married That is taking the piss
My father always used to say to me: “There is no such word as cunt” I said: “No, I called you a cunt.”
People claim to be into recycling But you should see their faces when rinse out a condom
I do a little bit of baking. Anyone into baking cookies and cakes and things? I do a bit of baking my speciality is A brownie with nuts which I call a Scout. Come on, Where is your sense of fun
Do you get annoyed by cold callers You know on an evening You’re at home relaxing after hard day at work watching TV, flicking through magazine The phone rings its a strange voice you don’t recognize, Talking about something you’re not interested in Oh Mr. Jimmy I have your baby now you send money quick. You bad man Fuck off
Do you get this , Do you get the public private phone call problem So this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues Or in the pub surrounded by friends You get a phone call of your other half And the end of phone call they say something That You’d normally say something back Is like your thing but you don’t wanna say it cause its people around and is bit embarrassing So the end of the phone call goes All right, Bye You know I do There’s people around I don’t want to Don’t be like that. All right, I will say it I wanna choke you with my cock.

A charity worker came to my front door And they were collecting for a homeless shelter So I gave him a card board box Beggars can’t be choosers. Am I right? I did one of those nude calenders for charity Child line were livid I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers It was brilliant, two hours, one joke. I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers All right, Final thought. If only Africa Had more mosquito nets then every year we could save Millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly Of AIDS.

I had been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed Thank you. Thank you You are far too shy Thanks very much. Cheers Very nice of you Birmingham. I couldn’t ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings That’s pretty much my show I thought a nice way to end might be There’s a theory in comedy Lenny Bruce, The American was first to say: “Audience is Genius” The idea is, the audience you regulate comedy You decide, what a comedian can and can’t say on stage Because, If you don’t laugh at a joke It is not socially acceptable If you do then just by definition It is socially acceptable I thought we could put that to test tonight We could start gently work our way up and see At what stage Birmingham goes: “Ah for fuck sake.” Do you wanna give it a go? – YES Ok. We will start gentle. We’ll work our way up So every one’s comfortable at some stage people stop laughing and then that’s the end Hmm, exciting. I’ll start gentle. Pope Benedict. Incidentally he is called Pope Benedict because he comes with hollandaise sauce Hang on!. That’s not a hollandaise sauce. Benedict! As head of Catholic Church Pope Benedict is boss of every Catholic priest in the world He is effectively King of the Paedos. I read about a catholic priest that exposed himself So they defrocked him They don’t hang themselves. do they? Well they do, That’s part of the problem This scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees You would finish that one in your own head Some what ironically I personally I don’t think Pope should worry about the sex scandal It would all be sorted out when Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour Comes back from the made up. Well, You all seem pretty happy with little bit of Christian bating . Yeah? Should we take it up a gear? – YEAH My girlfriend could be really loud during sex I don’t know why. She knows no one is coming to help Fine? Up another gear? – YES Treat them mean, keep them keen You all heard that expression? Treat them mean, keep them keen Treat them mean,you’ll keep them keen If that was really true,If that had really worked Treat them mean, keep them keen Wouldn’t the Jews absolutely adored the Germans? Really? Really? A round of applause on the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever! Where do we go from there? Its the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Hang on! This might offend some of you People say…. Smug sanctimony it is In my Opinion People do say from time to time you hear them: “Princess Diana should have been wearing a seat belt. “If she’d been wearing a seat belt, She’d be here with us today.” To those people I say this, I say: “You try “Snorting cocaine off a cork in the “Back of the Limo while wearing a seat belt and can’t be fucking dumb.” – Fucking hell I saw that little shaky head there I presume that was disapproval madam But to me that looked like you were going: “It can’t be done, I’m sure million fucking times.” Where do we go from there? Cause we had one Fucking hell But Everyone else seems fine You better fuck off A child can drown in just four inches of water But he might as well run a bath That feels like it should have been more offensive than it was A child died in that joke. And I tend to do word play so you get away with murder with word play Literally in that last joke Because people go: “Its just a joke, It doesn’t really matter.” Actually when you talk about real stuff That’s happened in your life. That’s a bit darker , Sort of observational stuff which people think of As being more sort of family friendly. But when you talk about real stuff that’s happened to you That’s where people get more offended. If it happens to be darker And you know there’s a weird thing where That’s where comedy is useful When bad things happen and you need a bit of cheering up That’s where comed has a purpose in our lives Let’s talk about something that happened to me recently And I’m fine talking about it So, I don’t think it should be a problem for you to hear about it. But it is little bit more… Because it is a real thing.Some people get a bit edgy a bit more Offended by the stuff that is real. My girlfriend recently had a miscarriage It was doubly bad because I.. Had to pay for it. That feels that we are getting somewhere. I realize that abortion can be a very upsetting thing For a woman. But at the same time who doesn’t get a little confidence boost When they lose a bit of weight. Well let’s cut to the chase on the show. Let’s talk about what you can and can not say on stage. Very good friend of mine, A guy that I worked with for last ten years We are pretty close, we have written jokes together and we know each other. He knows I said this on stage, He is fine with it. Franky Boyle. Do you all know Frankie Yes? – Yes Frankie got in lot of trouble last year. For doing a joke on stage that contained the word, “Down Syndrome” And I thinks it’s sad. I think It does nothing more than betray his ignorance and insensitivity. What a spastic. Why they call Sunshine Variety coaches When all the kids on board look the same? Well, If that joke is getting round of applause , I’m out. Happy to back away from there. Its a weird thing though cos I suppose thing that we all got common in this room Is that we all share a sense of humour We are all laughing at same kind of things. The weird thing where I laugh the very loudest just before I have a sense of humour failure. I find, If its closest to the edge.. The funniest jokes for me are jokes that i laugh at and as I’m laughing out I go: “I’m a terrible human being.” Funny though, But I’m terrible human being. Do you wanna hear the joke that got me? – YES I heard a joke, It’s an Australian joke Just a pub joke from Australia That gives you an idea how fucking brutal it is The Aussies came up with it. Are you sure you wanna hear this? – YES. I’ll just.. I’ll Cleanse my palette before I tell you this Like a.. Like a sorbet How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. I know. I know. I know. Don’t think I don’t know cos I know I know, I know, I know There is no use giving me a look as if I didn’t pay 25Pounds to listen to this filth Cos you did and you know you did I realised my jokes can often be brutal and cruel And when you think about the content, What I’m talking about in these jokes It is unacceptable. Frankly. But then, Only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh There is no message here. No one’s learnt anything this evening. Have they? I fuckin hope not. Cos I mean, The only purpose for these jokes is make you laugh for two hours It’s releasing endorphins, That’s all I’m doing up here. They are just jokes. I’m just messing around And some people, Some people just like being offended It’s a weird thing. I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this Woman came up to me afterwards at the signing face like fucking thunder and went: “That was disgusting , rude , juvenile, filth” “No better than last year” Fuck off Don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do with that Bloody crazy fool. Um.. Sorry about that joke You realize that joke about the Australian Pub joke You realise, That’s the only joke you will now be able to remember. Whenever the most offensive joke is the only one you’ll be able to recall The next time you are at a family wedding or a funeral. “Fucking hell.” Poor John! “I just.. I know you are here to collect the body” “I have lost my husband, I feel so terribly low” “Maybe, Maybe a joke will cheer me up” “How do you make a gay fuck a woman?” “I’m getting your coat.” Well I haven’t been up here on my own this evening First and foremost I interviewed him earlier He is a funeral director. If you die wouldn’t you wanna be looked after by him When I say looked after I mean nothing more than what is normal John every one. Give him round of applause Thanks John. Thanks for coming down Thank you so much for coming out Specially this evening cos its being sort of you know the DVD record which is always A bit of nerve wrecking gig. And I fucking love playing Birmingham. I love coming here and I couldn’t if you didn’t buy tickets to come out to the show So Thanks so much I really do Appreciate it cos I love my job. Thanks so much (Elbow – One Day Like This)


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!