JIM JEFFERIES: THIS IS ME NOW (2018) – Full transcript

The gleefully irreverent Jefferies skewers "grabby" celebrities, political hypocrisy and his own ill-advised career moves in a brash stand-up special.

Jim Jefferies returns to Netflix with his third Netflix Original stand-up special, Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now. Performing at the Eventim Apollo in London, the comedian and host of The Jim Jefferies Show unapologetically keeps it real when he opens up about the challenges of being a single father, reflects on the time someone tried to unsuccessfully extort him for money with a sex tape, and the weirdest gig he’s ever played.

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[rock music playing] [audience cheering] [audience applauding and cheering] Hello, London! [audience cheering] That’s my town. Uh… This is my second home. [audience cheering] I lived here for ten years. I love London. I actually recorded a couple of specials here before. When I lived here, I was broke. I had no fucking money. And maybe like 12 years ago, I signed a contract for five comedy specials for £90,000 with a record label over here, which, when you’re broke… sounds like a really good fucking deal, right? I had no money and someone offered me £90,000, I was like, “Fuck, yeah,” for five comedy specials. But that is the worst deal in record history. Five comedy specials for £90,000. Anyway, I was locked in. I recorded one, and then I got offered an HBO special in America. And so I went back to my record label over here, and I said, “Hey, here’s the deal. I just got offered a big deal in America. What I’ll do is I’ll go over there, I’ll do the special then I’ll come back and do the other four specials with you.” And then my record label here went, “You can’t do that. You’re contracted to us,” and I went, “Oh, that’s a shame.” [audience laughing] Then I got on a plane and I went to America. And then HBO said, “You sorted that contract problem out, didn’t ya?” And I went, “I sure did.” And then I did the HBO special and then my record label here sued me for £200,000, which is like, $300,000 American, right? But it doesn’t matter, because HBO paid me $50,000, so… [audience laughing] So, you gotta spend money to make money, you know? So I was a little bit in the hole. I had spent a lot of that earlier money on drugs already. So now I’m… I’m poor and famous. See, everybody wants to be rich and famous. And rich and famous is fucking amazing. Poor and famous sucks dicks. Have you ever been in a pound store and been famous?

That’s… So anyways, I’m poor and famous, right? So I have sex with this American woman… Consensually! I asked her. She said yes, she enjoyed herself. Anyway… So I had sex with this woman, and she thought, ’cause I was on the TV, that I had money. So she tried to extort me for $50,000. She goes, “I have a sex tape of yours, and I’m going to sell it.” And I went, “Fucking try.” [audience laughing] “I don’t know what the market is for the podgy, pale Australian guy who lasts a minute and a half, but see what you can fuckin’ get.” Then she goes, “Well, I have a photo of you doing cocaine.” And I went, “Everyone does! I’ve done cocaine off photos of me doing cocaine.” [audience laughing] “And you want to extort me? Why don’t you get a picture of me being nice to my mother or opening a door for a woman or something off-brand?”

Now, I used to do a lot of misogynistic jokes. I’m not going to do as many of those. I’ll do some. [audience laughing and cheering] There’s a lot of problems at the moment. There’s a lot of guys that are raping people, and a lot of people in the entertainment business are going down, some for more offensive things than others, you know, but… I’m nervous. You know, I… I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong,  but between the hours of nine and nine, I’m pretty blacked out. Anyway, so… Like, if James Bond was a real person, he’d be super fucking nervous right now. [audience laughing] James Bond would be showing up to work, like, “I’m here to see Q.” “Actually, you’re here to see HR.” [grumbles] “We have 472 complaints from a Miss Moneypenny.” Ah! “Two Russian operatives say you used their power against them and had sex with them.” “I was trying to get information. You’re welcome.”

There’s been like, Kevin Spacey went down. Kevin Spacey, he went down, and he goes… He goes, his defense was, “It’s probably a good time to mention that I’m gay.” And we were like, “What? Kevin, say it’s not true.” Um… Yeah, Kevin gets a bit grabby. [audience laughing] From all reports, he reaches, he touches your dick outside your jeans. For a little bit. He’s a dick grabber. We all have that gay friend, don’t we? We all have that gay friend that every time you’re drunk, you’re like, “Get out of it, don’t touch my dick.” And they’re like, “I’ll get you next time,” I’m like, “I’m sure you will, but not today.” But he paid the price, as people should when they do things wrong. He paid the price. You know, he had a great career, and Netflix, the network we’re on right now, they fired him, and rightfully so. And he lost his job as a fake president. [audience laughing]

Yet there is an actual president… with four times as many allegations… who still has his fucking job. [audience cheering] We have a guy… who said, and I quote… “I love women… when I see them, I kiss them. I don’t even ask. I can’t help myself. I grab ’em by the pussy. When you’re famous… they let you.” [audience laughing] Now, I’m famous. And when I heard that, I went out and I gave it a go. And I gotta tell you, they don’t let you! You women are a sensitive bunch. Moody, if you will. Now… [audience laughing] The term “Grab ’em by the pussy,” as soon as that happened, I started tweeting and saying in interviews jokes about it. And people started writing me saying, “Yes, well, you’ve said worse things,” and I have, and this evening, I will say worse things. And that’s why I agree that I shouldn’t be president of the United States of America. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m not qualified. Don’t use me as your moral benchmark.
Do you think I’m offended by the term “Grab ’em by the pussy”? I’m not offended by it. I’m confused as fuck. [audience laughing] I’ve never heard those words grouped together into a fucking sentence. If he said, “I grab ’em by the tit,” I know what a tit-grab entails. I can picture a tit-grab. I’m fully aware of what’s going on there. “I grab their ass,” I know that. Even if it was weird, like “I grab ’em by the head,” I can picture a head-grab. “Grab ’em by the pussy,” you see… the pussy is an inward thing. [audience laughing] If I said to you right now, “I met a girl, I grabbed her by the belly button.” How fucking confused are you? You’d be like, “Did you poke it?” I’d be like, “Nah… I didn’t poke it. I grabbed the whole thing. Keep up!” [audience laughing] Like, if he said, “I palm their pussy,” I can picture a pussy-palming. Like if he just scooped his hand over. Or if he fingered a pussy. We’ve all fingered a pussy, whether it be our own or someone else’s. But to grab a pussy… that’s gotta be one fucking meaty, low-hanging fruit fucking pussy. That’s gotta be a pussy that’s just given birth, is prolapsed. They haven’t put the stitches in yet. Maybe that’s what he does. Maybe he goes around to maternity wards and goes, “Congratulations! It’s a beautiful child. Don’t worry about it. I’m famous.” [audience laughing and cheering]

This has taken up far too much space in my brain. I’ve been thinking about pussy grabbing for over a year now. Like, he says they don’t mind. What is the scenario… where you can grab a pussy… and no one minds? I guess it has to be in a private area, ’cause you can’t do it in the general public, because for the most part pussy grabbing is “frowned upon.” If I jumped into the crowd right now and grabbed a pussy… you’d all be like, “Stop that, Jim.” [audience laughing] “Get back on stage. Finish the show.” So I’ve thought of every scenario, I’ve thought of every available option on how to grab a pussy where everything’s fine. This is the only one I can think of, right? Okay, the woman has to feel comfortable and safe. So I picture a woman who’s like, she’s in her own garden. [audience laughing] She’s feeling good. It’s her garden. She feels safe, it’s a secluded garden. There’s fucking hedges and shit. She’s wearing a mini-skirt, no underwear. She doesn’t give a fuck. It’s her garden. And she’s gardening. She’s tending to soil. [audience laughing] She’s potting a plant. And then you, the celebrity… [audience laughing] You have to creep into the garden, almost cartoonishly, just… Then you get your hand like that, so devil horns open up, flip around. [audience laughing] Now you want to be a real good pussy grabber, ’cause you’re only going to get one shot at this. and that thumb’s going straight into the asshole. So you’re like, “Bang!” Right, to begin with, she’s shocked. “What the fuck’s going on?” While she’s in that state of shock, lift her up, she’s on her toes. She’s not going anywhere. She’s upset, but then she turns around, “Oh, you’re famous,” and everything’s fine. [audience laughing and cheering]

Now, I don’t want to spend too much time talking about American politics while I’m here. You’ve got your own issues. [audience laughing] All right, look… I know you broke away from the European Union. I don’t understand what happened. I know it’s mixed, the opinion. I don’t know what’s going on, but then when I talk to you people, you don’t fucking know what’s going on, either. I’ve never seen something happening in a country, where you’re all like, “No idea what’s happening.” [audience laughing] There’s so many things. Like, do you get rid of the European people who are living here? Or, like… in your hospitals, you have 250,000 nurses who are from like Spain and France and all that type of bullshit, right? Do you get rid of those people? And if you do do that, do you get back all the British people… who live in Spain and France and all that? ‘Cause I gotta be honest, they’re not your best people. [audience laughing and applauding] Right? Like… you should have a TV show every night called One In, One Out. [audience laughing] And it’s like, “And who are we getting rid of today? Okay, well, first of all, we’re getting rid of Rosita. Rosita is a nurse who took care of the elderly, who incidentally voted her out. And…” [audience cheering] “And who are we getting back? We’re getting… Barry!” [audience laughing] “Barry’s a cab driver who won ten grand on a scratchy and moved to Majorca.” Feels like a fair swap you got there.

See, immigrants are good. You wanna have them, man. You wanna have them. Unless they’re fucking Mexicans. [yells] I live in LA, you wouldn’t believe the problems we have with Mexicans. Fucking dirty Mexicans. They come over the border, and they’re taking all the good jobs. They can’t even speak English, they’re taking all the good jobs. I don’t know how they do it, but they do. [audience laughing] Sometimes I look at my son, and I think… “If only he could pick fruit someday.” [audience laughing] I have this woman who cleans my house twice a week. You wouldn’t believe the amount of white people who applied for that job. Oh! They were queued around the fucking block, and I was like, “Get the fuck away from my house. I don’t like explaining everything twice.” [yells] [audience laughing] [chuckles]

This is what Trump reckons. Trump reckons that the Mexicans… are coming over the border… and they’re raping. I don’t know how, though. It just doesn’t feel like the opportune time. [audience laughing] You’re trying to flee a country, you’re dehydrated, you’re in the desert. [audience laughing] That would be the last thing on my mind, but that’s because I’m not as sneaky as a Mexican. “They’re coming over the border and they’re raping.” Sure, maybe some of them. You know, maybe. But some of every nationality rapes. It’s not like it’s a Mexican thing. It’s not like if you go to a really authentic Mexican restaurant… [audience laughing] And there’s like a fucking sombrero and a piñata, and you walk in with your wife and kids, like, “This is very nice. This is a lovely restaurant.” Then, a waiter takes you away from your family… [audience laughing] Off to the special Mexican closet. You come back out, your ass is like a Japanese flag. [audience laughing] You look at your wife, and you’re like, “Why do we keep coming here? Every week. If the food wasn’t so good…” It’s not a Mexican thing. Sure, some of them are rapey. Every nationality rapes. You have British rapists, you have Australian rapists, or Australia wouldn’t exist in its current state. There’s… [audience laughing] There’s probably a Canadian rapist, one fella. Polite bloke. You know, a nice bloke. Where you’re going for a jog, and he just drags you into some bushes, like, [imitating Canadian accent] “I’m so sorry about this. I’m so sorry.” I won’t be too long. I don’t want to ruin your day.” [audience laughing]

That’s why I do believe there should be a wall. There should be a wall… on the Canadian border. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans run out of health care, they can’t crawl over into Canada. I think the Canadians should just make the wall three foot high. [audience laughing] Just to take the piss. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans are crawling over, because their lungs are filled with coal from getting all their jobs back. [audience laughing] Like, who the fuck… wants their job back in the coal mine? Like, what the fuck is… They’re like, “We’re gonna get our coal mining jobs back.” What the fuck? I didn’t even know coal was still a thing. As soon as Trump said it, I’m like, “Is this is a fucking Dickens novel? What the fuck?” And why the fuck do these people deserve to have a job? What, because their dad had a job, and their grandfather had the same fucking job, and their great-great grandpappy… Have some fucking dreams, you low aspirational fuck. [audience laughing] And they say things, they’re just like this, like, “If the coal mine shuts down, then the whole town will shut down.” Yeah, fuck your town. Fuck it. [audience laughing] Fuck it. In my lifetime, the population of the world has gone from three billion to seven billion, and no one wants to move to your fucking town. Take a fucking hint. [audience laughing]

No, it’s good. No hecklers, happy. I don’t like the hecklers. I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland. I have to say Scotland, ’cause American people are watching. Um… I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland, and I was performing in front of about 400 people. I was doing a routine I’ve done in one of my older specials that I don’t do any more, about how you have to baptize your children, because if you don’t baptize your children, and they die in infancy, then they don’t get into Heaven. Because God’s a good guy… [audience laughing] but he does have some rules. And if he lets one dead baby into Heaven, then he has to let all the dead babies into Heaven. And before you know it, Heaven’s just filled with fucking dead babies. [audience laughing and cheering]
So I’m on stage kicking dead babies around, as you do at work. And this woman in the fourth row, very attractive, but she’s in hysterics. She’s crying, her eyes are bawling, and she just stands up and goes… [imitating Scottish accent] “You fucking bastard! You bastard!” And then she just leaves the room just in hysterics. [screams] I’m still fucking mid-kick, like… [audience laughing] And then her husband stands up… and he picks up her handbag, and he holds the handbag like all men hold handbags. Two hands in front of the chest. [audience laughing] “I’m holding this for someone else, so…” Anyways, he picks up the handbag, he holds it, we can still hear her screaming. She went out the door, she’s screaming. The staff are trying to calm her down. She’s screaming, and the husband stands up, and he goes… “I’m sorry, Jim. I’m sorry, everyone. We were expecting our first child and she miscarriaged at seven months. That was six weeks ago and the baby was due this week. So we decided to leave the house for the first time and forget about our problems…” [audience laughing] “And to try to have a laugh.” [audience laughing] “Anyway, Jim, the first half of the show was really great.” [audience laughing] And then he just leaves awkwardly, like, “Excuse me. Sorry.” We can still hear her screaming. Men and women in the room are crying their eyes out, which isn’t good for comedy, and… and I’m trying to bullshit my way out of it. I’m on stage going, “Hey… that joke was more about the hypocrisy of religion rather than dead babies, per se.” Uh… [audience laughing]
And as I’m doing that, in the second row a Geordie fellow from Newcastle, England, he stands up in the second row, and he points at me, really angry like this, and he goes… “To be fair… she’s fucking hot.” [audience laughing] And this sentence fell out of my mouth so fast, I couldn’t put the words back in. I went, “Ah, well, they get to keep their figure when they don’t carry them full-term.” [audience groaning] I’m not proud of this. I’m just reporting it. As soon as I said it, bottles just started getting thrown at me. Just fucking… Whoof! I’m like, fucking from The Matrix, like… [yells] And I was just like, “Good night!” [audience laughing] That was many years ago. If you’re watching this special at home, I hope you had a kid since then. Um… [chuckles] What am I gonna do? Her miscarriage brought so much joy to other people. Uh… [audience laughs nervously]

I dislike deaf people. [audience laughing] Actually, I need to rephrase that. I don’t dislike deaf people. I hate sign language people. Sign language people fuck me up the wall. I don’t mind the deaf. Individually, deaf people can be a delight. [audience laughing] It’s when deaf people get into packs, I don’t like them. If you get a group of deaf people… If you get eight or more deaf… like a herd of… A… A gaggle or a… What can we all agree on? A murder? [audience laughing] If you get a murder of deaf, if you get eight or more deaf, and I have no problem with them. I just want to say that right again. If you get eight or more deaf, and you’re in a theater in America, they will be seated like this– They’ll be seated four and four, right? ‘Cause what happens is, if you get a murder of deaf, the American government will pay for a sign language person. Probably not for much longer, but at the moment it’s a thing. Uh… [audience laughing] The American government will pay for a sign language person to stand here. Now, the sign language person is normally a frumpy chick who learned sign language so she could date a deaf guy out of her league, but whatever. Anyway… [audience laughing] So… But no one ever tells me. They never say, “Jim, there’s a sign language person.” They never fucking tell me. So I come out, “Please welcome Jim Jefferies,” I walk out, I see the sign language person, I’m like, “Ah, fuck me.” ‘Cause I’ve never had a good show if a sign language person is standing there. Never fucking happened. Because the deaf people are having a horrible time. They’ve watched me on Netflix, they’ve read my lips, and they’ve had the subtitles, and they’ve seen the facial expressions. Now they’re not even looking at me. They’re looking at her, and her comedy timing fucking sucks dicks. [audience laughing] And they can’t modulate their sound, so they’re just like, “This is a shit show,” and I’m like, “No! It’s not a shit show! And she’s like, “Not a shit show.” Like that. [audience laughing]
Now I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the big deal? That’s eight people out of thousands. Who gives a fuck?” I’ll tell you why. You can’t have a good comedy show with a sign language person, because the human brain isn’t fully developed. If I swear, and there’s a sign language person standing there, every single fucking one of you will go, “And what would that word be?” [audience laughing] I do it myself while I’m onstage. [audience laughing] So I’ll teach you the word you wanna know. “Cunt,” obviously. You wanna know “cunt.” [audience cheering] All right, so that’s “vagina.” This is “cunt.” [audience laughing] Gotta give it a bit of attitude, it needs to be a snap. [audience laughing] You ever see deaf person look at you like, “You cunt!” Like that. That’s a deafie who don’t like you. Then there’s fun ones, like “bullshit,” right? So you do, like, a bull’s head… Cross it around, bullshit. It’s adorable. Bullshit.
I always feel sorry for deaf people who are in relationships with other deaf people. Because occasionally, you must be fighting. You’re coming home from a party. You’re trying to be a safe driver. And your wife’s being a fucking bitch… [audience laughing] [audience applauding] Bullshit. [audience laughing]
And then… Then there’s things that are just like… There’s different dialects for sign language. ‘Cause I’ve done this whole thing, right? So in Britain… this is “Jew.” [audience laughing] Seems bad, right? Wait till you see America. This is “Jew” in America… [audience laughing] I don’t know why, but that is more offensive than that. So if you ever see a deaf person, like, “You Jew cunt!” Like that. That’s a Trump-voting deaf you got yourself there. [audience laughing] Then there’s things where you feel like the deaf aren’t educated. Like, this is “gay men.” [audience laughing] That’s what the deaf think the gays get up to. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They think they get in a room and bash dicks together. [audience laughing]

Now, I was… doing that routine in New Zealand or something, I was doing that, and a guy yelled out, “Oh, that’s docking.” I said, “What’s docking?” And then he didn’t say anything. And then I went home and I googled “docking.” And wasn’t that a waste of four hours. [audience laughing] Just a show of hands. Who knows what docking is? Wow, it’s a lot. For the rest of you, you’re in for a treat. This is docking: You need two men… And both of them have to have erect dicks at the same time. It’s already weird, isn’t it? Anyway, one dick… ideally, to dock… [chuckles] One dick needs to be, like, a circumcised dick. And the other dick needs to be a European fella. [audience laughing] Let’s talk about this very quickly.
Okay, so… I’m circumcised. I know you are all not circumcised. I know you’re not, right? I got my son circumcised. Right? When I got my son circumcised, I mentioned on a late night show that I got my son circumcised, and I got a lot of hate mail and people freaking the fuck out and saying I mutilated my kid and all this type of stuff, and… Look, people do it for different reasons. It’s a personal thing. Right? Some people circumcise their children for religious purposes. Some people do it for medical reasons. The reason I got my son circumcised is so that when he is older, women will enjoy having his dick in their mouths. [audience laughing] I did it because I love him. And your dicks are fucking disgusting. You fucking animals. How do you fucking look at your dick and have any level of self-respect? Every fucking day, your fucking hooded, slimy fucking dicks. [audience laughing] My dick smells constantly. It’s an eternal battle against that smell. I can’t even imagine what you accept in your life. Do you know that it’s not in porn? It’s not in fucking porn. Uncircumcised isn’t in porn. Because the people that make porn are trying to run a business, and they don’t want people fucking vomiting when they’re masturbating. You can’t go into a porn site and put “uncircumcised.” It doesn’t come up. Your dick is less of a fetish than feet, you fucking disgusting animals. [audience laughing] Name me one time where extra skin on the body is a good thing. [audience laughing] When someone gets old, they get that turkey neck and they’re like, “Ooh, I’ve been looking forward to this.” Some fucking 500-pound cunt loses 300 pounds, has a big elephant ear of skin, and the doctor goes, “Oh, lucky you! Extra skin. Women love extra skin.” [audience laughing]
Anyway, so docking, you need two dicks, right? [audience laughing] A lovely, pristine dick, and… a horrible dick. [audience laughing] Then you line the two dicks up… and with your slimy hood… you get that bit, and you stretch it over the nice dick. -Now… -[audience groans] that’ll make a seal. Now, the only way to break that seal is to pop a bit of air out of the side and gently release, like it’s a Tupperware lid. [audience laughing] ‘Cause you can’t just pull against it, ’cause then it’s like a Chinese finger trap. Now that the dicks are docked… you just gently bash dicks. [audience laughing] There’s probably kissing, isn’t there? I imagine you’d kiss. Your mouths are aligned, probably… [audience laughing] And then if you’re into each other, you’ll come simultaneously on each other’s dick heads. [audience groans] That’ll make a cum bubble of sorts… that eventually will just go, “Blugh.” [audience laughing] And that’s docking. [chuckles]

Now, it’s weird, because… People– I sort of got more popular, because of a routine that I did on gun control, and… [audience cheering] People come and see me because of the gun control routine, and they want me to do some political commentary or some social commentary, and then I just did, like, what was that, ten minutes on docking. [audience laughing] And the thing about the gun thing is weird. It’s nice to have that as a calling card, that people want to see you because they liked that routine, but then also, it’s a double-edged sword because… I get more popular after a massacre, and that’s really not what you want. It’s not like you’re sitting at home, “Ooh, there’s been a massacre. ” Uh… It’s tough, because people think if you talk about gun control in America, you’re talking about banning guns. I’m not talking about banning guns. I’m talking about controlling guns. See, after what happened in Las Vegas… That guy shot all those people. I think he had 48 guns or something like that. All the news people were like, “Gun control wouldn’t have done anything, because he bought all the guns legally.” And you’re like, “Yeah… gun control could have fucking solved that. How about if we brought in a law where you’re allowed seven?” [audience laughing] “If you can’t protect your family with seven, you’re no fucking good with the guns.” [audience laughing] So this whole idea that if you bring in gun control, you’re going to ban guns, is a load of bullshit, because there already is gun control. There’s things like you can’t put a bayonet on the end of your gun. ‘Cause that would make your gun too stabby. [audience laughing] And it’s the right to bear arms, it’s not the right to bear guns. It’s the right to bear arms. Arms are weapons. See, in Texas, you can open carry an assault rifle on your back into Target. You can’t walk into Target with a chainsaw. People would think that’s fucking weird. You walk into Target… [imitates a chainsaw] Security would be like, “What the fuck with the chainsaw, man?” You’ll be like, “This is my protection chainsaw! This is to protect me and my family! You’ll be happy I’m here if a bad guy with a chainsaw comes in. ‘Cause the only way to stop a bad guy with a chainsaw is a good guy with a chainsaw.” [audience laughing and cheering] See… this idea that all guns are for protection is fucking bullshit. They’re not all for protection. You can buy sniper rifles. [audience laughing] Rifles that can shoot two kilometers. How is that for protection? Who the fuck… is sitting in the front of their house… [audience laughing] looking at some cunt two kilometers away… like, “Back down!” [audience laughing]

But you know, I understand. People love their families. They wanna fucking… I’m actually gonna say something now that’ll make some people upset. It’s weird that I say it. I’m a single dad now. I’ve been a single dad for over a year. When people hear it, they go, “Oh, that’s a shame.” Not a shame. Me and my ex weren’t getting along. We’re still good friends now. I’ll tell you how we broke up. This is literally how me and my ex broke up. I bought a house five doors down from my house, and she goes, “What did you get that for?” And I went, “For you to live in.” [audience laughing] And she high-fived me and skipped down there. She was happy to go as well. So now I’m a single dad, and the weird thing is about being a single dad is, before that, I used to go on and on and on about what a great parent I was. But I wasn’t a great parent. I wasn’t. I was just a guy who lived with a four-year-old. This is how I used to parent. I used to walk around the house, I saw my son playing with a toy, I would be like, “What are you playing with there? Lego! Sounds fun. All right.” [audience laughing] And then his mum would take him to bed, and I’d go, “Good night, sweet dreams, my prince!” I was a shit parent. Well, now it’s just me and him. And so I have this four-year-old that comes once a… every… Every second week, I get my kid. He comes over, I try to make it as normal a family life as we can, but the little cunt only eats four different foods. [audience laughing] He eats macaroni and cheese, chicken and fucking pizza and apples. I try to make him eat other things, but his mother doesn’t. It’s a big argument, that’s why she lives in another fucking house. Anyway…
But he comes over and I try to have family meals with him, right? So it’s just me and him so I make him chicken, I have to bread it, I have to do things, I have to make it a certain level, and then I cut up some apples, and then I sit there, and then he comes and eats dinner with me. And I’m not gonna make two fucking meals, so I’m eating fucking chicken and apples as well. [audience laughing] So we’re sitting there eating a meal, and I don’t let him watch TV while we’re eating. That’s family time, so it’s me and him. But I got to be honest, I want to watch the TV. The conversation runs out pretty fucking quick. He hasn’t got a lot going on. I go to him, “How was your day?” And he goes, “I don’t know,” and I go, “What did you do at school?” He goes, “Drew a picture,” and I’m like, “Fuck, this is a long meal.” [audience laughing] Anyway, so I make him the chicken, I make him the apples, and then I take him upstairs for bedtime at 8:30, and he has a bath and I wash his hair and I put him in some pajamas, and he’s all fresh and clean. I put him in the bed, I sing him the same song every day. And then I read him a story and I wait till he falls asleep and then I go downstairs and watch TV. And then about two hours later,  about 10:30, I just hear screaming, just… [screams] I run up the fucking stairs, I get up there, he’s covered in vomit. He’s vomited all over. He’s got vomit through his fucking hair. I pick him up, he’s shitting. Right, he’s shitting and vomiting onto me. So he’s vomiting onto me, but he’s shitting in front of where I’m walking. So I’m walking through shit as vomit’s coming onto me. I put him on the toilet. I get him a bucket. He is now shitting and vomiting simultaneously. Now, maybe I didn’t cook that chicken long enough. [audience laughing] Anyway… So he’s just sitting there. He’s never had food poisoning before. I had the same meal. The little cunt’s just got a weak constitution. Anyway, so… He’s sitting there shitting and vomiting at the same time. The poor little fella, ’cause he’s four, his brain doesn’t compute that this won’t go on forever. He actually looked at me, shitting and vomiting, he looks at me and goes, “I guess this is me now.” [audience laughing] I’m just laughing like, “You’ll be all right, fella. You’ll be all right.”
Anyway, this goes on for a couple hours, where it’s about midnight now. He’s empty. Everything’s out of his body. I give him another bath, and I wash him off, and I wash all the vomit out of his hair, and I put him in some new pajamas, and I say, “Come sleep in my bed, mate. Everything’s going to be all right.” And he sleeps in my bed, and I pat his back until he goes to sleep. And then I go to sleep. And then two hours later, I shit the bed. [audience laughing] Now… this wasn’t like… like I woke up with cramps and went… [groans] And then I shit the bed. No, the shit and the waking up was a simultaneous thing. I was lying there, and went… [makes a splat sound] [groans] He’s fast asleep, and I just shit the bed next to a four-year-old. Which I assume is a crime. I’ve never felt so sick, and I get out, and I’m in my underwear, there’s just shit pouring down my thighs, and I’m like… [screams] And I vomit on the floor, and I’m walking through my own vomit, and I’m shitting onto the vomit, and I make it all the way to my toilet… and I sit there and I’m shitting… I didn’t have a bucket, so I’m just vomiting into the fucking bathtub, and shitting, and I actually said out loud, “I guess this is me now!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now, I’m there for a couple of hours. I’ve taken all my clothes off, so now it’s, like, five in the morning… and I’m fucking naked, just still shitting and vomiting. And my son wakes up. He’s feeling fresh as a daisy. [audience laughing] He comes in, his pajamas all clean, his hair’s all fluffy, he walks in. Holding his teddy, he walks around the pile of shit and vomit. [audience laughing] He walks in to see his father shitting and vomiting on the toilet. He looks at me and goes, “We had a tough night, didn’t we, Dad?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering]

Now… I’m gonna tell you a story. Now, this story happened… uh… about a year and a half ago. I got booked to do a private party with a very famous… American singer. And I signed a contract to say that I would never say who booked me, how much I was paid, or who was at the party. But then I’ve just been telling people, and nothing’s happened, so… [audience laughing] So it’s… Mariah Carey. Now… I get a phone call from her management one day, and they say, “Mariah Carey’s a massive fan of yours.” And I said, “No, she’s not.” They go, “How do you know?” I said, “I don’t know the woman. I’ve never met her. But I know this. There is no scenario where Mariah Carey finishes a concert, goes home, pours herself a bath, lights a few candles, and goes, ‘Put on a bit of Jim Jefferies.’ And then sits there splashing around, going, ‘Women are cunts!’ No.” [audience laughing] I said, “She’s not a fan.” So they ring back and they go– Her fiance at the time… “Her fiance, James Packer, is a fan.” Now, James Packer is a very famous Australian billionaire. And she wanted to purchase me for his 50th birthday as a gift, right? Already weird, to be a human gift. [audience laughing] But I guess that’s what you buy billionaires. You can’t buy them materialistic things, ’cause they can purchase whatever they want. You buy them other human beings doing tricks. [audience laughing] So they ring me up, and they go… They go, “$15,000, 15 minutes. You just gotta perform at a dinner party. She lives half a mile away from you. Easy-peasy. And I said to my manager, Alex, I said, “Alex, that sounds fucking horrible. I’m not gonna do that.” And he rings back up ten minutes later, “$30,000… 15 minutes.” And I said, “Alex… I’m an artist.” [audience laughing] “I never let money make decisions for me.” Now, I think we all know where this is headed. [audience laughing] They rang back, “$60,000, 12 minutes,” and I was like, “Fuck it, what’s your address?” [audience laughing]
So three weeks later… So for three weeks I was just dreading this gig, and then three weeks later, it’s like, all right, I show up at the house. I’m there in the middle of summer. I’m wearing a leather jacket and fucking T-shirt, I’m sweating my ass off, and I’m there with my manager, Alex, and someone… Mariah’s assistant opens the door, and goes, “Which one of you is Jim Jefferies?” -I’m like… -[audience laughing] The fucking career is crushing it, obviously. Uh… I said, “That’s me,” and she goes, “We’ve been waiting for you,” and she goes, “You’re not to be seen. You’re a surprise.” And I get into the house, she’s like, “Oh! Take your shoes off!” Mariah’s one of those cunts. Soon as you enter your house, you gotta feel uncomfortable, take your fucking shoes off. I don’t know if we have any of those Nazi fucking pricks in this room, but you’ve lost a lot of friends over this, you fucking lowlife cunts. [audience cheering] Anyway… So I take my shoes off. I’m the birthday surprise, so no one’s to see me, so they secretly get me into the kitchen. So I go into the kitchen. I’m sitting there, and then they give me some rich people food, which is the same as poor people food but has truffles on it. [audience laughing] I’m sitting there eating my fucking truffley food… [chuckles] I look at my manager, like, “I shouldn’t be here. It’s the worst idea I ever had.” -I shouldn’t do this.” -He’s like, “It’s going to be fine. It’ll be great. You’ll do great.” At that stage, Eddie Murphy walks into the kitchen. Now, Eddie Murphy, and I want this on film, is my childhood fucking hero. Delirious was such a big deal to me. [audience cheering] And was the reason that I tell these big long stories. He was the first comic I saw who told long stories. Anyway, I’m gonna do a terrible impersonation, but Eddie Murphy walks up to one of the catering people, he goes, “I’m all dehydrated. I need a Gatorade or a Powerade or something with ‘ade.’ I need electrolytes. My mouth is dry.” [audience laughing] And I’m just staring at him, like… Then he points at me, he goes, “Oh, I know you. You do the TV show with the disabled boy.” And I said, “I do do the TV show with the disabled boy!” And he goes, “I love that show. It’s a fantastic show. You’re masturbating off a little disabled boy in the sky. What a great show it was. What are you doing here?” And I said, “I’m gonna do stand-up for the dinner party!” And he went, “There’s no way that’s gonna work out,” and he just fucked off. [audience laughing] [clears throat]
So I just break out into a fucking sweat, right? And then Mariah’s assistant comes up to me, and she goes, “It’s time.” Now, let me paint a picture for you. There’s 20 people in a garden, sitting at a long table, surrounded by tiki torches before tiki torches had racist connotations. They’re all famous people. They do not know that there’s any entertainment. Nor have I been announced. There is not a microphone. There is not a light. I’m walking out in my socks. [audience laughing] I just look like a guy who’s gotten onto the property… [audience laughing] And has a few things that he wants to say. [audience laughing] See, the difference between stand-up comedy and a drunk guy giving opinions? That’s it. [audience laughing] So I walk out, and so, Mariah Carey’s here, James Packer’s here, Eddie Murphy’s here. Al Pacino’s here, Warren Beatty’s here, and it gets less and less famous as we go along. [audience laughing] So I walk out, I’ve never done a birthday party before, so I just treat it like a kid’s birthday party. So I walk up to a 50-year-old man, and I go, “Hey, hey!” [audience laughing] “Happy birthday!” And he went, “Who are you?” And I went, “Who am I? I’m Jim Jefferies, your favorite comedian!” And he goes, “I don’t know you.” And I pointed at Mariah, and I said, “Mariah!” And Mariah’s on her seventh Xanax of the fucking day. [audience laughing] And she just looks over at him and goes, “Remember? We watched him on the computer doing something.” It was very clear that they were towards the end of their relationship, because he was just like, “Why do you talk?” [audience laughing] And I went, “Fuck it! I’ll tell some jokes anyway, shall I?” [audience laughing] At that stage, Leonardo DiCaprio walks in with three of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. He has it big, ’cause he just did that movie where he had sex with a bear. I haven’t seen it. He walks up. He stands next to me. Everyone greets him like he’s Norm from Cheers, right? Somehow, this cunt gets to keep his shoes on. [audience laughing] And he just chats to the table for three minutes. So for three minutes, I’m standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio like this… [audience laughing] After three minutes, he doesn’t even look at me. He just points at me and goes, “What’s all this about?” And Warren Beatty went, “We don’t know!” [audience laughing] Then Leonardo DiCaprio took the women over, and sat on some garden furniture, and I was like, “Fuck it, I’ll just go do 12 minutes. No one says anyone has to laugh, I just gotta fucking talk, right?” So I just started phoning in some fucking jokes. I just looked at them and went, “There’s a turtle at my kid’s school,” and I told the turtle routine, and I’m just fucking walking around telling the fucking turtle routine. James Packer is getting angrier and angrier, just like… “Fucking…” At one stage, he says to Mariah Carey at the same volume that I’m talking next to him, he says, “Why did you think I’d enjoy this?” Right? And I’m like, “Just keep smiling, Jim. Keep a song in your heart, and they can’t hurt you.” [audience laughing] So I keep going, and he’s getting angrier and angrier, and he just goes like this… “Gun control!” And I said, “Yes!” [audience laughing] “I’m the gun control guy!” And he goes, “I love that bit. Do that bit.” [audience laughing] And I said, “I haven’t performed that in over a year. I really don’t know how it goes,” and he went, “Just fucking do it.” And I went, “Okay!” So I started doing the gun control thing. So I’m like running across the lawn to do the fucking safe thing. Now, that routine… is 16-and-a-half minutes long. [audience laughing] I go through it in eight minutes. ‘Cause it turns out, it’s shorter without laughter. [audience laughing] [audience cheering]
I did get a laugh, though. I got a laugh from James Packer. At the halfway moment during the routine, he just gave this, like, Australian billionaire… guttural fucking laugh. He just went, “Ha!” [audience laughing] This laugh is so distinctive to my Australian ear, that if I was in the Outback, and I heard it, I would become like Steve Irwin, and be like, “Oh! That’s the Australian billionaire.” [audience laughing] And then he just went… [guffaws] Because it was his birthday, it was like a moment in a medieval film where the king started laughing, and the rest of the courtyard was like, “The King is amused!” They all started laughing a little bit, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t having a good gig, but I was getting away with it. [audience laughing]

So I finish up the show and I did a routine that was on my last special about how I’m a five in the looks department, but because I’m on TV I get to fuck sixes and sevens, but because I’m an alcoholic, I fuck fours and threes. [audience laughing] So I did that routine, then afterwards, I’m standing around with my manager, Alex, and we’re drinking, and Al Pacino and Warren Beatty walk up to us and they’re drunk as fuck, or… they’re just old. [audience laughing] And Al Pacino walks up to me, and this is the exact words he says, he went, “Oh! A couple of fives are talking to each other.” [audience laughing] And I forgot my routine, I’m like, “Sorry?” And he goes, “I’m a five. You’re also a five.” [audience laughing] Then I remembered, I went, “Well, I get to fuck sixes and sevens because I’m on the TV. I bet you’re fucking crazy nines and tens, right?” And he grabs one of the girls with Leo, and he drags her, and he goes, “You’re right.” [audience laughing] Then he pushed her away, and then Harvey Weinstein tackled her and dragged her into the bushes. [audience laughing and applauding]
And then he goes like this, he goes, “I like what you do. You tell stories. Nobody tells stories anymore.” [audience laughing] “You tell a story, I’m enjoying myself. Oh, I’m enjoying myself. But then you get distracted and go on a tangent, and I think, ‘Oh, no… I’ll never hear the end of this tale.'” [audience laughing] But then you come back to the story, “and I’m like, ‘Wow! He remembered the whole time.'” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] And then he kept talking for, like, ten minutes and at the ten minute mark, I hadn’t said a word, and he literally said, he goes, “You haven’t said anything!” [audience laughing] “Am I talking too much?” And I said, “Mr. Pacino, this is one of the greatest moments of my life. Please keep talking till I come.” [audience laughing] And he said, “A challenge!” [audience laughing] Then he said to me, he goes, “Do you act?” Al Pacino says, “Do you act?” and I’m like, “I’ve acted. [chuckles] I’m not an actor. I’m a comedian.” And he goes, “Oh! I know a lot about acting,” and I was like, “Yeah you do.” [audience laughing] And he’s like, “You’re going to be a great actor! A great actor!” And I’m like a fat chick being hit on. I’m like… [audience laughing] Then he went, “No, fuck it! Don’t act! You’re better than us. Acting’s for idiots like me and him. He points at Warren Beatty, and Warren Beatty, at this stage, is looking at a moth going around a tiki torch, like… [audience laughing] He goes, “You’re better than us. You tell stories. You’re a director.” And I’m like, “All right.” He’s like, “Say it for me. Say, ‘I’m a director.'” [audience laughing] I went “I’m a director.” [audience laughing] And he went, “Say it again!” And I went, “I’m a director.” And he goes, “One more time. But this time I need more passion from you, George Jamison.” [audience laughing] So I just got the fever and I went, “I’m a director!” Everyone there stopped what the fuck they were doing. They all stared at me, and I went, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughing] Warren Beatty’s all confused. He leans over and goes, “Um… What do you direct?”
You know when you’re a kid in your teens, you just lie all the time? But you don’t really lie past 30. You lie to get yourself out of trouble. Lies like, “I don’t know that girl, I was somewhere else.” Right? [audience laughing] I just did one of those teenage lies. He goes, “What do you direct?” And I said, “I’ve directed two independent films… and I have a big budget film in the works with Warner Bros.” [audience laughing] And then Warren Beatty looks at me and goes, “Um… How can we stay in touch?” And I just went… “I’m fucking lying, man.” [audience laughing] And before I could say anything else, my manager saw that I was drowning in this conversation, he swooped in, so Hollywood-y, he goes, “I love this. Jim Jefferies, Warren Beatty, you’re gonna make a lot of great films together. Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna take my number, Warren, I’m gonna take yours. We’re gonna stay in touch.” They start swapping numbers and I’m standing off to the side, like, “I don’t know what the fuck this is.” [audience laughing] Before I could say anything stupid, Alex puts his arm around me, and drags me out of the party. I’m like, “I don’t know what just happened, Alex.” He turned me and went, “You’re gonna have to learn how to direct.” [audience laughing and cheering]

Now, before we go, on all my specials, I do this little bit at the end. Um, I mention depression. Depression has been something that has been a major part of my life. Not just my life, but my father’s life, and it has sort of controlled… um, everything for me. Now, if you’re suffering from depression… As I hit 40, it’s gotten a bit better. And it’s gotten a bit better because I was speaking to my dad, who’s 76, and I said, “Dad, why aren’t you depressed?” And he said, “Ah… what are you going to do?” Now… [audience laughing] That actually said something to me. It said something big in my brain, actually, it flicked a switch. All right, ’cause I wasted my 20s being depressed, the prime years of my life. I wasted most of my 30s being depressed, and a lot of you may have done that as well. But this is the thing, right? The only reason we’re depressed in our 20s and our 30s and our 40s, the prime of our life, is because of hope. [audience laughing] ‘Cause we think that something better is fucking coming, right? You think you’re gonna make it. You think you’re gonna be something. “What if I don’t meet the woman of my dreams?” “What if I don’t get the career I want?” And then when you’re old, you go, “Ha!” [audience laughing] “I guess none of that happened.” [audience laughing]
But then you’re happy to be alive. See, I spent weeks, in my 20s, in my fucking bed going, “I don’t want to live. I can’t get out of my fucking bed.” You know who doesn’t do that? People in their 90s. You don’t meet depressed people in their 90s. I used to be like, “I can’t get up.” People in their 90s are like, “I’m up!” [audience laughing] “Did it again! Boom!” [audience laughing and cheering] So all you have to do is outlive your depression. [audience laughing] And then embrace the things that make you fucking weird.

All right, I’m 40, about to turn 41 in a few weeks, and… [scattered cheers from crowd] I’ll tell you a weird thing about me. I have a passion. My passion is this. I like little things that look like they should be big things. I act like they’re full-size, but that I’m a giant. [audience laughing] I’ll give you an example. When you’re in a shitty hotel, they give you a little box of breakfast cereal? I act like that’s a full-size box of breakfast cereal. Then I walk up to people and go, “This is a full-size box of breakfast cereal. I’m a giant!” Like, my ex, Kate, she had to stop buying cherry tomatoes and baby carrots, ’cause whenever we had them in the house… [audience laughing] I was a pain in the ass. I was always like, “Kate! It’s a regular size tomato! I’m gonna eat it in one bite! ‘Cause I’m a giant, Kate!” Every time we went to a restaurant and I ordered sliders, she was like, “Fuck, here we go.” [audience laughing] You don’t wanna be sitting next to me on a plane when you get that little bottle of vodka. I’m a nightmare. I’m like… [yells] “Everyone, I should be drunk! I just drank a whole bottle of vodka. But I’m not… ’cause I’m a giant!” Now, this all came to a head when my son was two. We were trying to put him in preschool, and we went around to the different schools, we’re taking the tours, and we were on this one tour, at the school he actually ended up at, and they were showing us the play equipment in the classrooms, and then we walked into the toilets. [audience laughing] And they had these toilets for two-year-olds, which had little tiny bowls, a little tiny seat, a little tiny water thing, and a little tiny flusher, and as soon as I saw them… [audience laughing] I was in heaven. And the rest of the group kept walking, and I acted like I was walking, but I wasn’t. ‘Cause I had to stick around, because I had to do a shit on a little toilet. [audience laughing] I didn’t even need to do a shit. This was an extra unnecessary shit. I had done a shit two hours earlier. So I pull down my pants, and I get on the little toilet, now, maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. [audience laughing] So I’m doing this shit, and the hole’s so small, it only covers my asshole, so my cock and balls are sitting up… on the lip of the seat, and I’m just beaming, but then I reach a dilemma. Often, when you shit, you also need to wee. [audience laughing] And my dick wanted to wee, but I was just shitting, so my dick was confused. My dick was like, “Name me a scenario where shit is welcome and wee isn’t.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “We’re just shitting right now.” It’s like, “Fuck it, I’m gonna wee,” and I’m like, “Please don’t wee! ‘Cause if you wee, I’ll become a sex offender, and Hank won’t get into the school… and Kate won’t get happy.” Now, at this stage, Kate realizes I’ve left the group. [audience laughing] And she walks back in to see the father of her child doing a shit on a little toilet, with his cock and balls sitting up on the lip. The look of disappointment that just flooded her face… I just looked at her like this. [audience laughing] “I’m a giant, Kate!”

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. I loved every minute of it. [audience cheering] [rock music playing]


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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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