In this HBO special, 'I Swear to God', Jim Jefferies discusses religion and racism, his own family and childhood, the idiocy of no-smoking signs, sluts vs. studs, drugs and alcohol, and tells a very embarrassing story about what happened to him after purchasing some adult entertainment material
Jim Jefferies: I Swear To God (2009)

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Jefferies.

Hey. How are you doing? What a nice little start. My name’s Jim, I’m from Australia, but I’ve been living in the UK for like, the past 7 or 8 years and now I’ve moved out to America, it’s a big move for me, but because I’ve moved out to America, I’ve had to leave a girl I’ve been dating. It’s probably for the best we’re heading in separate directions in our lives, to come over here and she wanted to stay back in England and fuck other men. Worked out pretty good. For her. And me brother. Oh, yeah. I bet he really get back to… in, like, a couple of weeks for the first time in ages. And every time I got back there I always go see my family doctor ’cause this is the doctor I’ve had my whole life, I really trust this guy, and my doctor in London is shit, he’s no good. Last time I was there I got a physical checkup, and he’s doing my blood pressure, to go to Australia and he’s like, “Jim, your blood pressure’s really high, mate, you’re gonna have to go on medication, you know.” “I wanna go on medication” And he went, “Well, you fucking have to” ‘Cause that’s how doctors in Australia talk, and then he goes, “Okay, you two, go back to London, get your blood pressure checked again but if you get the same readout or higher you’re on medication”, so I go back to me doctor in London, get my blood pressure checked again, get exactly the same readout I got in Australia, and my doctor goes, “Oh, are you good!” And I go, “The doctor in the strayer said that was too high” And he went “Australians, with their salads and sport, “Their standards are too high.” “By British standards you’re good, so… I’m an unhealthy Australian, but I’m a healthy British person. I think if my health gets worse, I’m gonna move to shittier countries until eventually I’m the healthiest man in Rwanda. And there’s gotta be some doctor going “You’ve only got HIV, it’s not even AIDS yet.” Stop your bitchin’ and join the soccer team.

I’m not afraid of dying if I do get AIDS or something like that, I don’t give a fuck. I hate life. I’ve never enjoyed one moment on this planet. I don’t wanna live forever, the only people who wanna- I’m not worried about dying, because I’m an atheist, right? Now, acknowledging this is a Christian country, and I stand up for your right to be religious, but please know that you’re wrong, eh? Please know- that you’re living in a fantasy land, and after you die nothing happens, stop being a fucking child. I’m not scared of dying because I’m an atheist, I know I’ll just rot in the ground, right? I won’t even know I’m dead, you all know why? ‘Cause I’ll be fucking dead. Religious people worry because I believe in heaven, if there’s a heaven there has to be a hell, and everyone who’s read that book knows that you’ve done enough shit to go to hell. And that makes it very stressful on your deathbed, doesn’t it, knowing what a prick you are, you go, “Aw, this isn’t gonna be good”. Right? I don’t wanna go to heaven, I don’t even want the option of Heaven, I don’t want to exist in a conscious state for the rest of eternity constantly thinking, I don’t even like thinking as it is, “Where’s me passport? Can’t punch women in the face”.

The Bible calls heaven “eternal bliss”, I don’t get how blissful it is, it’s eternal, you’ll get used to it, and then you’ll be fucking bored. And what’s hell meant to be like, fire and brimstone and eternal agony. That’s what’s written in the Bible. That’s God’s book. As far as I know, the devil hasn’t brought out a book. We don’t know his side of the argument, right? If you ask me, if the devil and God are having an argument, the devil’s being a bigger fucking man. ‘Cause God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s going, “I’m not even gonna fucking comment, Let’s- Let’s think about this rationally. Right? Which isn’t a good point for the Christians, rational thought. Fire and brimstone and eternal agony, that’s what hell’s meant to be, that’s written in the Bible. Now, God runs the entire universe except for one place which is run by hell and the devil, and now, the devil is his biggest enemy and they don’t get along whatsoever, right? Now, if you act bad you go to hell, right? Now, you’ve lied, you’ve cheated, you’ve stolen, you’ve been a prick your entire life. Why would the devil punish you? You’re one of his boys. He’s gotta fucking dig you. That’s where all the hookers and drugs are gonna be, I don’t think they’re gonna make their way into heaven. I don’t think God’s gonna open the gate and go, “Jimmy, you’ve been such a good guy, see this big-titted whore with the line of coke on her?” “Knock yourself out, son.”

What’s meant to happen when you die and go to heaven, you see a big bright light, you walk towards the light. What’s at the end of the light? All your dead relatives. Well, whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. You ever spent a weekend at your grandparents’ house? It’s fucking shit. If you’re out there for an hour you’ll go, “I wish that all me friends would die.” You’ll be out there meeting everybody, “Hi, Aunt Neda. How are you, Granddad?” “Hello, Uncle You-used-to-touch-me”. “How did you get up here?” “Oh, that’s right, you used to work for the Church.” You hear that little groan when I said that, “You work for the Church”? It’s because religious people are in the crowd, and they don’t like hearing facts. That’s a fact, there’s been pedophiles fucking fact. But all they’re saying is like, because religious people will forgive God, in their mind he does good things, rainbows, children’s laughter, shit like that, right? When he does bad things like hurricanes, AIDS, cancer, child molestation, then they just go, “Oh, well. God works in mysterious ways. ” What sort of an excuse is that? What- What is- What is mysterious That is like, the least mysterious activity since the dawn of time. If- If I ever date a religious girl she’s gonna come home and I’m gonna be raping her mom. Right? And she’s gonna look at me and go, “What are you doing?” And I’m gonna go, “I’m mysterious. ” “I’ve always been mysterious. ” See, religious people are just fucking stupid. There’s how the world was created which everyone, and that’s the big bang theory, and then evolution kicked in and there’s little microorganisms, then a tadpole, that tadpole learned how to walk or something, and then there were some animals in between, and then fucking monkeys, and then us. And that’s science. Then there’s how religious people believe we was created they believe that God put two white people in the jungle without sunscreen, and they fucked, and there we go, people. There we go, black people, Arab people, oriental people, and for the amount of inbreeding very few retards. It seems so plausible!

See, the fact is that there’s evolution in the Bible. Right? Jesus was 4’7″. Four foot seven. He was a normal-sized guy, everyone was short back then. We’re all taller now because of evolution. That’s how Jesus could feed the people with two fish, little fucking people, big fucking fish. So this is Jesus here, right? He’s a little tiny Arab Jew. He looks like Super Mario. Now, if Jesus is this big, that means his cross was maybe, maybe that big. Now, I’m not saying I’m better than Jesus. But if I was on that little cross my feet would be on the ground and I’d fucking live. So what killed Jesus could not kill me, I’m way more powerful. Not only would I leave, but I would lift the cross out of the ground and beat up all the little Roman bastards. And History would be very different.

Thousands of years before Jesus there was a guy called Noah. And Noah built a boat and Noah lived to be 950 years old. But I’d never mention that in sermons, ’cause we might think its bullshit. And Noah was thousands of years before Jesus so Noah was about this big. There’s little Noah with his long hair and his gray big beard. He looks like a glorified chess piece. And he built a boat, and they put all the animals in the boat. And we had two of each animal, and he lived in, like, Afghanistan, back when it was a god-loving place. And all the animals came and they all swam there and shit, they all mated there like a week. All the kangaroos and all that type of stuff. Then he worked out some type of refrigeration system to keep the polar bears cold and the lions hot, and he made the door on the ark very small so the dinosaurs couldn’t get in ’cause he was a thinker. Then he had storage areas for all their delicate diets ’cause we all know what picky, fucking eaters pandas are. Aren’t pandas a bunch of cunts. I’m done with pandas. I’ll tell you why, every fucking living creature loves pandas. The panda doesn’t have a natural predator on the planet and they’re dying out because they’re fucking dicks. Fuck’em. Let’em die out. The pandas don’t fuck each other, they don’t have babies, therefore we’ve got no fucking pandas, they’re dead, why, let’s lose the fucking pandas. We’ve tried. We have fucking tried. We at the Human Rights put pandas in cages together, and try to help them fuck. We go, “there’s a panda. ” “Go fuck the panda. ” And they just look at each other. You put me in a cage with anything, anything, and after a week I’ll fuck it. You’d think pandas know the Chinese that’s all I’m gonna say about Christianity. To be honest with you, it’s just a glorified panda joke. It’s how comedy works, right? You start with a funny bit, you work backwards, so I start panda, and I go all the way back to small Jesus, very logical. But I know I’m in America, and all you people love God, and all that, eh?

So let’s pick out a few more religions and make it fair. All right? Jews. What’s all that about? What’s with the curly sideburns? Where in the Bible does it say, “If thou loves me, thou shall look lie a dick?”

Next religion. Isn’t Buddha a fat bastard? That’s all I’ve got on Buddha.

One more. Muslims. Can you feel that? Can you fucking feel that? One word, one fucking word, and all your assholes shrunk up and went… Oh, make it good, Australia, man. Don’t fuck this up. ‘Cause you think when I say Muslims I’m about to be racist, don’t ya? I’m not racist, I’m a bigot. It’s completely different. And being Muslim isn’t a race. I’m not talking about Arab people, I have no problems with Arab people, I like to eat food late at night. I’m talking about Muslims. I’m not talking about terrorists, every comic who has a Muslim joke does a terrorist joke. Obviously most of them aren’t terrorists, I’m talking about the things that we know, and shit, the fact that women have very few rights in their culture. Now, it sounds good in theory, but- In our society it should be frowned upon. I don’t think I could be a Muslim because they can’t eat bacon or drink beer. And they’re the two greatest fucking things in the world. You take bacon and beer away from me and I’ll fly a plane into a fucking building.

I love drinking. I hate people who don’t drink. Never met an interesting person in my life who didn’t drink. If you don’t drink you’re a boring cunt and all your story sucks. All your stories end the same way with “And then I got home.” No one gives a shit that you’ve been promoted at work, and no one gives a fuck that your kids don’t have bruises. Ever asked a non-drinker why they don’t drink? Same fucking answer every time, you go, “Why don’t you drink?” They go, “I don’t like the taste of it.” Nobody does! No one likes the taste of it, we drink ’cause we fucking have to. No one’s ever had a shot of tequila and gone, “Oooh, that’s lovely!” “Next time I’ll have that instead of pudding. We drink ’cause life’s shit. And you gotta do whatever you can I- I honestly didn’t mean to time it like that. That’s like a magic trick, ain’t it? I’ve decided I’m gonna punch people in the head if they say the next sentence. I encourage you to do the same because they think they’re better than you. Anyone who says the sentence: “I don’t need to drink or take drugs to have a good time, I’m high on life.” Punch that cunt in the head till your hand breaks. Really… Well, I’m, angry on alcohol. Now drive me home.

Smoking‘s a weird one, man. Smoking’s like… I appreciate with smoking that you can’t smoke indoors anymore. I think that’s the right law. I think if people are working there I think it’s fair enough. And it’s the same law all across the world. But in Australia now, But you can’t smoke in front of a hooker. ‘Cause this might be detrimental to her health. Is this really the worst thing that’s happening to this woman’s body on a day-to-day basis? If you pay her enough money you can bone her. I’m not saying pour petrol on her and light her up, I’m saying, let people know you were there. Now, while I’m on the subject of burn victims, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy, it’s an awful thing to happen to anyone, but I do laugh whenever there’s like, a house fire or a car accident, or something like that, and someone gets really badly burned, and the news read’ll be like, “They’re alive, but they have been burned “Burned beyond recognition.” You ever seen a burn victim? Most recognizable person in a room. The term should be, “Burned to recognition. ” This is my mate Steve, no one used to notice him at parties. Since the accident, you go, he’s gone from plain to extra crispy.

But back to smoking. Why do we still have no-smoking signs out? That makes no sense, we used to have to have no-smoking signs. We used to have to know where we could or could not smoke. Now, we can’t fucking smoke anywhere, so why the signs? It’s the law. I understand the law. We don’t have signs for every other law to remind us all the time. We’re meant to understand this. Right? So every place you walk in has a no-smoking sign but it also should have above it, “And don’t touch kids.” Because, I feel like that’s the worst crime. You’ll see me in the court of a nightclub fisting a small animal, going “That don’t have a sign.” “I think I can do this.” Obviously that wouldn’t happen, ’cause I don’t go to nightclubs.

My nightclub days are over, I’m 32, I’m a pub guy, that’s it. Pub and comedy club, that’s all I do. I don’t go to nightclubs And if you’re over 25 and you still go to nightclubs, you’re a dick. You’re a dick, and you look like a loser, and if you drive around a car that goes, pff, pff, you’re a fucking dick. If you’ve ever wanted to be a DJ that mixes songs- dick. Nightclubs treat you like you’re a child. I hate being told I’m not good enough to get into a building by some guy. I hate going to the toilet and not be able to wash my own hands because I have a man there that I’m meant to tip a couple of dollars. Like, and he’s there with a bit of stuff and a hand towel, and I’m like, “Can you fuck off, mate?” I’ve washed my hands before. I’m very good at it, it’s one of my skills. I’m not the most hygienic man in the world, I was just sniffing coke off a toilet seat. Do you really think the cleanliness of my hands is of a paramount concern at the present moment? You ever walked out of there and not washed your hands? He looks at you like you’re scum. I’m scum? You work in a fucking toilet, man. I don’t even wash my hands, fuck washing my hands. I do so many filthy things, that’s fucking- People get obsessed with germs. Every time I have a one-night stand, afterwards I go, “Can I use your toothbrush?” And she’ll just be like: You’ve just sucked my cock, give me your fucking toothbrush.

I’m gonna tell you some stories about my family. We’ll start with my dad, all right? My dad’s a cool guy, he’s a bit of a dick, he’s like all dads, he thinks he’s funny, and he’s funny for other reasons. Anyway, so me and my older brother Scott, Scott was about nine years old, I was about five years old, we’re in the garage, and we’re loading up the car to take things down to the junkyard, So we’re going through these old boxes in the garage and my brother pulls a vibrator out of the box, just like this: And my dad does that he’s-concerned- but-he-doesn’t-want-us- “Hey, what you got there?” And then he takes the vibrator, and me and my brother, we know that run, we know what’s happened. This is something good. Eh? We’re fucking transfixed, “What is that, dad, what, what, what?” “What is that?” And dad turns around with the full knowledge that we have no idea, and he’s like, “What, uh… What… This, this is a… Women… Women, uh… Women use this to mas- It’s a massager.” And then my dad turns it on and goes, “Whoa, I’m having a great time. ” He turns it off, he puts it back in the box, he puts the box back on the top shelf, and he goes, “Now, we’re not to look at that anymore.” A week later, me and my brother, it’s like, the middle of summer in Sydney, it’s blistering heat, we’re just rocking around in our underwear, as kids do, you know. My brother Scott walks out to me, and Scott, he goes, “Jim. Garage.” We go out to the garage, he gets up on all these boxes, he pulls the vibrator out from the top shelf, and he looks at me and goes, “Now, you massage me, then I’ll massage you. I go first. ” Now, anyone who knows an older brother, or has an older brother, knows this is a fucking trick. You’re never gonna get a go. Older brothers always go first. You never go first. You push him on the swing for six fucking minutes and then they fuck off. So I turn the vibrator on, “I’m gonna get a go”, “Yeah, you’re gonna get a fucking go”, “All right”, “Okay.” I start working me brother’s back, just, And my brother gives it these ones- Then it’s my turn, right? I stand in front, my brother turns the vibrator on, he drops it on the ground, he fucks off. Now, I’m five years old, what do I do? Five-years-old, you cry. Right? So I’m sitting in the dark of the garage, in me underwear, crying, there’s a fucking vibrator kicking off on the ground, I pick up the vibrator and start working me back. And then my dad walks in. To find his five-year-old son in the garage, in his underwear, rubbing a vibrator all over his back. crying. And my dad walks up and he looks me in the eye, and this is when he says, he goes, “Has Scotty fucked you over again?” Then my dad takes the vibrator off me and looks at me and goes, “Now, you’re not to play with this, all right? You’re not to play with this. This is Dad’s.” Now, that sentence has haunted me. This is tense. That raises more questions than I ever fucking need answered.

He retired from work, my old man, And as a retirement gift I paid for him then paid for me and him to go out to Germany in the Soccer World Cup. It literally cost me 10,000 pounds, which is like 200,000 American dollars. So, we’re going out, we’re gonna see Australia vs. Brazil, now, this is the biggest game in Australia’s soccer history, that’s in Munich, it’s a great fucking soccer country, Germany, he’s loving it, right? The stadium’s about 20 miles out of the city, it was like 34 degrees Celsius, which is, I don’t know, 300 Fahrenheit, or something. And they piled us onto these un-air-conditioned trains like fucking sardines, I’ve never felt so crammed up in my life, like, so uncomfortable, I’d never felt so uncomfortable While we were in the train there’s Brazilian fans chanting, On the other end of the train there’s Australian fans trying to chant back, but it’s really like our first World Cup so it’s just like one bloke going, Ronaldo’s got big teeth. And the singing dies down for just a second, right? Enough time for my dad to go, “This is how they used to transport the Jews.” There are very few sentences on this planet that can make any train of soccer hooligans go, “Fucking Jesus, mate.” “That’s a bit uncalled-for. ” Well, my dad thought maybe they didn’t hear him, right? So he said it again slightly louder. “But some of them didn’t make it to the camps, you know. ” We get off the train, I’m fucking mortified, I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and I’m with my dad, I’m going, “Are you fucking kidding me, what is fucking wrong with you”, and he’s like, “What? What have I done now? What?” And I’m like, “The Jew comment” and he went, “Oh, the fucking- They was saying things, I said some things, I said something.” “We’re at the football.” You can’t argue with that.

I’m very excited about America. I am looking forward to living here. Now, I get to travel a bit with this job. Three years ago I was in, uh… South Africa for the Cape Town Comedy Festival, I was out there for six weeks doing gigs. I was out there with a comedian, a very good friend of mine, I won’t say his name, but he’s gay as fuck this guy, right? And so every day, what we’d do is we go like, we have a heterosexual day, try to pick up girls, and then we go to a gay nightclub the other day. So we go into this gay nightclub in South Africa called Bronco. Let’s face it, gay nightclub in Africa, should have been called AIDS. We’re taking two ecstasy tablets each, right? And he’s off on the dance floor trying to get some dick and I’m standing at the end of the bar chatting with a couple of lads I’ve never met before, and one of them goes, “You’re wasted, aren’t you?” And I go, “Yep”, and he goes, “Do you want to come to the bathroom with me?” Now, as a drug taker, I think he’s offering me a lot of coke. So I went: “Would I!” I put my arm around him, dragged him off to the toilet, “Man,this is gonna be fucking awesome, man”! I went into the stall first to wipe the seat down, then I went out and beckoned him in. Now I don’t know about all the men in the room but I know these days when you get me all fellow zocked off, it takes a little while to stand to attention. But he must have really liked me, ’cause he walked in with what I can only describe as a great big black cock. He shut the door to the stall. There are now three people in the stall: me, him and the great big black cock. Just to give the dimensions of the man, he’s this tall, he’s this wide, the cock’s erect, it’s poking into my stomach. I look up at him and I go… “I thought we were gonna do some coke”. And he went: “Do you want some coke first?” “I only want coke”. “But I can see how with your accent you may have mistaken that for cock?” Now I’d like to say that something funny happened after that but, uh, no. No, he was actually a really good guy, I told him I was wasn’t gay and he apologized, we went out and he bought me a drink. Um, but for the sake of comedy, he raped me! ‘Cause that makes the joke more fun. He raped me.

I um, my mother– we’ll talk about my mum a bit. My mum is a very nice lady, big fat woman. Can take a punch. She- she- uh she’s over 300 pounds, right? When- when me and Scotty were young, when- same ages, nine and five, big year, Mum took me and Scotty out to see the Moscow Circus when it came to uh, Sydney. Now their was an elephant in the Moscow Circus called Gunter, and the Circus Master used to and the elephant used to rise into it’s legs. I- i- it was a great show anyway, from that moment on me and my brothers would refer to my mum as Gunter. Never to her face, never to her face, but with such sentences as: “When’s Gunter coming home?” “What’s Gunter making for dinner?” “Don’t do that, Gunter will catch you!” Now this still goes on to this day but we never once said it to her face except for this one time when my brother’s about seventeen and I’m about thirteen, we’re at home watching a mid-day movie. Now my brother’s on the couch, arm laid on the floor, my mum’s in a chair. Now did anyone have a parent that had their own chair? They were always the cunty parent. They were never the good one. If you’re a parent that has their own chair, you’re a fascist piece of shit. If you come home and someone’s sitting in your chair, there’s plenty of other seats, you nazi cunt. You don’t fucking rule the world. Now she had this chair or as we called it: The Throne of Misery, the Throne of Misery was a lazyboy chair that had given up all hope and the springs were all indented. Now the movie we are watching is the Blob, the original Blob with Steve McQueen, the old film, mid-day movie. We’re watching the Blob, and the scene were the Blob is oozing out of the cinema, my brother goes: “That’s you, mum! That’s you.” And me and my brother laugh like it’s the funniest joke that’s ever been said, because at the time there’s a good chance it was. My mother on the other hand did not find this joke funny. She looks over at my brother and goes: You think you’re too old for a smack across the head, you little fucking bastard? I brought you into this world and I’ll fucking take you out! And then she goes to get out of the chair but she’s so fat and so angry, she can’t get any leverage. So she’s just rocking from side to side: “You fucking kids! I used to have a life”, and her head slash neck which was all the same to me is getting redder and veinier! My brother knows he has so much time to run away, that he casually walks over, stands in front of her, turns to me and winks, and goes: “Up, Gunter, up!” And that’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

I’ve got a theory. Every single time a man sleeps with a lot of women, he’s called a stud. But if a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she’s called a slut. And people think this is unfair. Not! It’s completely fair. And I’ll tell you why, right? ‘Cause it’s fucking easy to be a slut. It’s fucking hard to be a stud. To be a stud you have to be witty, charming, well-dressed, have nice shoes and a fab job. To be a slut you just have to be there. There are fat ugly sluts out there. There are no fat ugly studs. I’ve met slutty dwarfs, I’ve never met a stud dwarf. Maybe in their own realm, but none that have crossed over to our world. I will say realm when I mention dwarfs. Realm is the right- right word because if fantasy movies and science fiction films have taught me anything is that dwarfs are the only socially acceptable form of disability to put in a movie, without anyone questioning what the fuck you’re doing. You think of another disability that’s been dressed up as something else. Nothing. Dwarfs, we’ll paint ’em orange, make ’em dance, call ’em Oommpa Loompa. George Lucas can ring up a dwarf farm, and go: “I need a hundred dwarfs”, “put ’em in bear outfits”. “We’ll call ’em Ewocks, let’s make this movie happen!”. Try doing that with Cerebral Palsy and see were it gets ya! “I need fifteen spastics”, “Cover ’em in fur, we’ll call ’em Wonky Donky Monsters”. “They protect the emperor”. “Let’s make this movie happen!” sluts and studs before and… when I say sluts I don’t mean that as a bad word. I love sluts. I fucking- I need ’em in my life, sluts. They’re the best. I- I want what everyone wants in this world. I wanna fall in love, I wanta get married, I wanta have kids, I wanta be happy ever after, but the problem is, I’ve done this job for so long and fucked so many sluts, that I can’t go back to nice girls. ‘Cause nice girls are shit in bed. Now I know there are a lot of nice girls in the room right now. They’re going: “You don’t know me”. “I’m dirty”. No you’re fucking not, you’re shit in bed. But it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. It’s that everything is worked out for you in your life. I’m not blaming you, nothing bad has happened, and therefore you wouldn’t do disgusting things. I appreciate that. Now I know you’re thinking you’re dirty, I- let me see if I got you right here. All the girls that think they’re dirty but they’re nice girls, I can see you out there. Y- You think you’re dirty because you have a nurse’s outfit or a schoolgirl outfit You uh, deep throat a cock because you saw someone doing it in a porn once and you think “Oh my boyfriend will dig that”. Ah, you take it up the ass four times a year, am I correct? Now please don’t think that I don’t appreciate the effort. Because I do, I- thank you so much for trying. But I’ll tell you what the difference is, when you deep throat a cock, you’re doing it because you’ve seen it in a porn and you think your boyfriend will enjoy it. When a slut deep throats a cock, she’s doing it because she can’t last another second without having a cock bruising the back of her throat. When you’ve got a cock in your ass, you’re thinking: “This isn’t so bad. I hope he’s enjoyed his birthday”. When a slut’s got a cock in her ass she’s thinking: “You know what’d be good? Two cocks in my ass!” And you can’t learn this. That has to be in your system, that has to be part of you. But the thing is you can’t marry the slut, you can’t have a relationship with the slut, because slut’s are fucking mental! Mental! That’s what makes them good, they’ve got some power. I fucked this girl five months ago for four months. All right? For four months I fucked her, and then a couple weeks ago, she walks up, four and a half months from the moment I met her, she walks up at my house with a baby, going: “This is your baby!”. Now I’m not great at maths, all right? And the baby’s Chinese, and there’s a Chinese family crying: “Give us back our baby!” Fucking mental.

See the thing is, now I’m saying, sluts, there might be some women in the audience I’m gonna do some cunt jokes now. I’m gonna do some jokes about cunts. Now the thing is with doing cunt jokes, I know- and also the word “cunt” you don’t like it, do you America? You’re not comfortable with it There’s women that every time I say the word “cunt”, they’re like Aw, Jesus! You just don’t like it and- and you accept it from me because “Oh he’s foreign, he doesn’t know better”. I do know better I just don’t give a fuck. The thing is you’ve got worse words in America, like- like you haven’t heard me say “mother fucker”, Have you? It’s ridiculous that word. I think it just sounds terrible in my accent, The word “mother fucker” is much more offensive than “cunt”. It’s, “cunt” is, it’s- it’s- it’s it’s in Shakespeare, in Chaucer, it’s the oldest swear word in the world. It’s lovely. But mother fucker is so brash. Let’s break down the word mother fucker, right? It’s a boy fucking his mum. In the cunt. It’s horrible.

Now I’m gonna do some jokes about female genitalia. Now I don’t feel bad about doing this anyway because I haven’t been to many comedy clubs where I haven’t seen a female comic and not being able to get their dick up, and what’s wrong with men, when you fuck ’em, a, b, c and d… And I- I’ve never seen a man at the end of the show walk up to the manager and go “well I enjoyed it, but I feel that penis stuff was unnecessary”. Men just fucking, “Aw, I got a small dick what are you gonna do about it?” See, women always go for the dick, they think that’s men’s Achilles Heel, they always go after you. “It’s not funny, it’s funny… ” Every time you shag a bird, and you’re not good to her, and then like a week later, all the friends will walk past you and do that. And women think that’s the funniest joke in the world, right? That’s not funny, that’s hurtful. Next time you think about doing that, imagine you fuck a guy, the next day all of his mates walk past you and go: You never do that again! And you think by doing this you’re teaching me something I don’t already fucking know? I’m well aware I’ve got a small dick, I’ve measured it. I know how big my dick is to the millimeter. But does any woman in this room truly know the size of their cunt? None of you, and none of you will ever know for sure because no man’s gonna tell you because we’re good people. I know what you’re thinking. He’s not talking about my cunt ’cause it gets a bit sore during sex. That means fuckle. I’ve been down on a woman for twenty minutes, it’s wide open, it’s flowing like the Mary River, I put the tip of my cock in there, they go “Gentle, gentle, gentle”. “I could shove my fucking head in that”. Sometimes fat chicks have really tight cunts. That’s a bloody mystery eh? I think it’s ’cause all the fat’s pushing inwards, and when you’re fucking ’em, and you never actually reach the cunt. That’s why doctor’s say fat women have to lose weight to get pregnant. That’s a good joke.

I- I’ll tell you a bit about me, I- as I’m getting older, I’m finding it harder and harder to- to come. I used to be able to come like that, I was like an orgasming ninja. I could come whenever I- And now I can’t come so much because each day that goes by… I- I can come if I’m masturbating because I know me. But if there’s a chick involved and it’s not really nasty and everything, I can’t really… So what I do is I fake orgasm now because I wear condoms. And if you wear condoms the girl doesn’t know that you’re faking and I can’t come with a condom on. Those days are long gone. and I fake orgasm with a condom on, eh, and women don’t think that men can fake orgasm but we can fucking fake orgasm. You think that’s your only domain. The weird thing is that men… I have to fake orgasm because if I don’t come, a girl will take that personally, like she hasn’t done a good job, right? And women fake orgasms because, I don’t know why. I don’t give a shit. I have done my best. What do you want from me? I’m a- I’m trying, I- I- if I haven’t made you come, I’ve made girls come before. Don’t blame me. Your cunt’s broken. All right? And- and- and female orgasm’s all wailing and jiggly legs like I’ll never crack that code or something. But my fake orgasm as a man is a piece of piss. This is me fake orgasming with a condom on. Now what I do is I put ’em in doggy style, and then I just go like this: There you go! Uh! And then I take the condom off really quickly and run to the bin. “Oh just put this over here”, which is very similar to how my dad runs. Eh! “Don’t come over here!” You know, you put tissues over… “Don’t come near the bin! You’ll get pregnant!” “There’s so much come here”. “Be careful!” Which leaves me to ask the next question: If I come like this, When retarded people come, do they look normal for a second? Is there a little window of time where…?

Uh, let’s finish up on a story, we’ve got, you know… Now, uh, a few years back, maybe four years ago now, I was performing in the Amsterdam Hilton, now the base of the Amsterdam Hilton have a comedy club, and I was there for two weeks. I had two days off from my two weeks, and I found out that on the outskirts of Amsterdam there’s a great big place called the Porn Warehouse, which is like a great big Walmart. So on my day off I thought: “Fuck Ann Frank’s place”. And- I went out to the Porn Warehouse. Now when I go grocery shopping, Porn warehouse, took a trolley. It still had the kid seat, which I thought was odd. Now I’m lining my trolley full of every little bit of porn and paraphernalia I can get, I get up towards the till and there’s a massive wall covered in dildo’s. Now if you’re with your mates, what would you do? Sword fight! But I was by myself so I just do that scene from Star Wars where there’s like the floating wall with the… Now there’s a smaller wall but just as impressive, covered in rubber vibrating vaginas. Now whenever you’re with your mates and see one of those, you go “Who the fuck would use one of those eh?” There’s always a bit of your brain that goes: “Wouldn’t mind trying that just once”. So, I got myself the Jimmy Jammers and rubber vibrating vagina and the side of the box said: “Vibrates so as to give realistic sensation.” Realistic if your fucking a chick with Parkinson, but not realistic in the full sense. Now I’m going back to my hotel and decided if I’m gonna have this wank, it’ll be the wank. It’s gotta be the wank that when I’ve got dementia I’ll be sitting in a nursing home going: I fucked a rubber cunt! I f- I fucked it! Wednesday’s pudding day! So I put on me porn on one side of the bed, I put porn on the telly, I got the rubber cunt, it had a vibrating egg that went on the end with a cord to a remote control. I uh, lubed up my cock and I proceeded to fuck it. Now, it felt okay but I couldn’t really enjoy meself because the only thought going through me head was: “If you die right now”, this is how they’ll tell your mum they found you”. Now as I’ve already mentioned, I don’t have a big cock. I think the rubber cunt was faulty. ‘Cause as I’m fucking it, the latex on the top just sort of tears, and I’m pretty upset ’cause it’s not like I can take it back to the shop, slap it on the counter and go: “Look at that”. “I bought that an hour ago”, “went home and fucked it”, “now that cunt’s broken”. Now, I still had a lot of lube, I still had a lot of porn, and I still had a vibrating egg. So I did what anyone in this room would do: I lubed that egg up and shoved it up me ass! It’s now sitting up against the gland The male g spot. It felt terrific. I was enjoying myself so much I was already thinking of other things to shove up me ass once I got back to London. I slapped me cock a couple of times and I gizzed all over me chest. so now I’ve got gizzle all over me chest, lube on me cock, egg hanging out me ass, broken cunt in the corner. I gotta tell you, I’ve looked better. Now you know that bit of pain that goes through your soul after you’ve had a wank and you got a bit of come on your hand? and you go: “What did you do that for?” “You’re a grown man. ” Well I still had an egg hanging out of my ass. Safe to say I wanted to kill meself, so I started slapping the porn off the bed, turn the porn off the telly. I go to whip the egg outta me ass, the fucking cord snaps off! Not only does it snap off, but the two plastic shells of the egg slightly break apart, and are now pinching against me colon! Now you’re first thought is: “Well don’t worry about this Jim, you can shit this out”. But your ass hole knows what shit is and it knows what plastic egg is, and it don’t play cricket in this situation. Now, I don’t know if you all know a lot about your colon, and know should ‘ya, But they’re made up of several channels that pump poo through. Now I’ve lubed up this finger and this thumb. And I’ve gone up me ass after the egg. With every grab I’ve pushed it further, and further and further up my colon. It’s now up to channel five. My next thought was to get a whole lot of high fiber food, make my poo really solid, push the egg out through pressure, very similar to when Augustus Gloop got stuck in the chocolate chute in I was working on one method at a time. I could’ve done with an Oommpa Loompa with a plunger. Now as many of you may have already realized, I’m not a doctor. I didn’t know that high fiber food made you poo sloppy. I thought the grains and stuff held together to make some type of super poo. Turns out that protein makes you poo hard. Ironically, I should’ve been eating boiled eggs. Instead, I had to shit the way around the egg.

I don’t feel like you’re all getting into this story. So let’s jump forward to day number three. I decided that if it was up my ass for another day, I was gonna go to hospital. My biggest fear was going to hospital in a foreign country “You’ll never guess what’s happened to me”. But being Holland there’s a good chance he could go: “You have an egg up your ass?” “Go join the cue with the other Australians”. On day number three I had a Chinese dinner. And I kept my chopsticks. Now I’ve gone back to the hotel. I’ve bent over At this moment I’ve thought to myself: “You probably should’ve gone to the Ann Frank museum”. I put one chopstick on top of the egg, in a crow bearing fashion. The other chopstick I used to widen the hole. In one motion I snapped this egg outta my ass. Followed by two feet of shit. It was at this moment I thought to meself: Shoulda done that in the bathroom!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much!


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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