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Jim Jefferies: High n’ Dry (2023) | Transcript

Jim Jefferies is back and no topic is off limits. The comedian muses on stoned koalas, his dad's vasectomy confusion, choosing between his hair and his sex drive and more.
Jim Jefferies: High n' Dry

Please welcome to the stage, Jim Jefferies!

Hello, Toronto. Alright. Alright, look at this. We’re all out. No more fucking masks! I hated the masks. I’ll tell you who’s gonna miss the masks: chicks with good bodies but shit faces. Haven’t they been getting away with murder the entire pandemic? In Australia, we call them prawns ’cause you keep the body and throw the head away. I just got back from touring Australia, the whole place was flooded. Right? Remember three years ago, the whole place was on fucking fire? Remember that? Just before Covid, all of Australia was on fire and we’re all like, “The world can’t get any worse than this.” People died. People lost their homes. The only thing reported in North America about the fires in Australia was…

Koalas.

The koalas, yes. You all seemed very concerned about the koalas. If you saw me, you’d say something. “I’m so sorry to hear about your koalas.” And I’m like… Pretty fucking cut up about the whole thing. How did they get all the press? Imagine you’re a fucking wombat and your family’s just burnt to death. Now I like koalas as much as the next man… but if any animal deserves to die, it’s the koala. The koala is the laziest animal on Earth. It sleeps for 22 hours a day. The sloth sleeps for 21. It only eats eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus leaves are its source of food and water. There is a chemical in eucalyptus that reacts the same way to them that THC reacts to us. So they’re stoned all fucking day. Eighty percent of koalas have chlamydia. So they’re stoned with chlamydia. We all have a friend like this. And they’re up in the tree with their family, just sitting there. And the fire’s blazing through the Australian bush. And all the other animals are running and jumping in the opposite direction of the flames. Not the koala. “It’s gettin’ a bit hot.” “It’s probably just your chlamydia, love, go back to sleep.”

And then when we have these natural disasters how do we rectify it as a society? We get a young Swedish girl with a twitchy eye to tell us off. Fucking Greta gets up there and she’s like, “I should be in school.”

Now, I know, as soon as I mention Greta Thunberg that’s a triggering thing for a lot of women. A lot of women get upset when a man my age mentions Greta Thunberg. In your brain, a little loop’s going on going, “How dare you pick on a 16-year-old girl? Who do you think you are?”

You know what? You’re right. That’s wrong. But she’s 19 now and I fucking waited. I waited three long years to talk about this shit. I can say whatever the fuck I want about a 19-year-old. Here’s one for you: I can fuck Greta Thunberg and I’ve done nothing wrong. And I wouldn’t use a condom either. Out of respect for her and the environment.

Now, I don’t have a problem with Greta fundamentally. I agree with everything she’s saying. I agree with the science. I just don’t wanna fucking hear it. She’s always picking on my generation. She’s like, “Your generation ruined it for my generation.” Not “my generation”, Greta. You’re thinking of the c*nts before me. The generation before me did fucking nothing. My generation invented the different colored bins. That’s all I can do, Greta. I’m fucking flat out with the different fucking colored bins. The generation before me had one bin and they threw everything into it. They didn’t give a fuck. And it was a small, steel fucking Oscar the Grouch lookin’ fucking bin. And it had a lid that fully detached. ‘Cause that generation was so fucking stupid. They hadn’t thought to put a hinge on the bin. So the lid and the bin could be one unit. Maybe they talked about it in the bin factory. Someone threw out the idea of the hinge, “I reckon we should put on a hinge.” And then one bloke puts up his hand, “Yes, Neville?” And then Neville goes, “But what if the kid wants to use the lid as a shield?” Oh! “You fucking got me there, Neville. Why would I wanna fuck around with childhood magic? No hinge it is!” And then on garbage day… the bin company conveniently put two handles, two steel handles, on the side of the bin. So you have a couple of options on garbage day. You can get the bin by one handle, and drag it along your driveway with fucking sparks flying out of the c*nt and take it out to the curb. Or… you can pick that bin up with the two handles and put the wet garbage up against your body, and you could waddle out to the sidewalk like this. ‘Cause that generation was so fucking stupid… they didn’t think to put man’s first invention on the bottom of the fucking bin. They didn’t see… a heavy object that had to be moved on the regular and thought, “Fuck me, the wheel would nail this one.”

They missed plenty of these opportunities. We didn’t have wheels on suitcases in any meaningful way until like the mid-90s. No one had wheels on suitcases. I remember my father being at the airport carrying two bags, another one under his armpit, like, “There’s no better way to do this.” We went to the airport in a fucking car. He saw wheels in motion. He was holding the wheel the entire time, couldn’t fucking piece it together.

1971. 1971 was the first time the patent office got a patent for a suitcase with wheels on it. 1971 was the first time anyone on this planet thought… to put wheels on a suitcase. To put that in context, we went to the moon in the 60s. This means that Neil Armstrong left his house… and he said to his wife, “Next time you see me, I’ll be on the moon.” And he got out to the launchpad, looked at the rocket majestically. “One day, one day they’ll put rockets on bags.”

So, let’s tell some stories. This first story involves my fried DJ Qualls. Right. You might know him as the skinny guy from Road Trip or Hustle & Flow, or more importantly, Billy from Legit. Right? So… So DJ… DJ’s gay. Right? I can tell this story. He knows. He’s well-aware. Also… If there are any gay people in the room this evening, welcome. I… Big fan of the gay community. I’ve always been pro-gay. I studied musical theater at university. I grew up in Sydney, one of the gayest cities on Earth. Me and the gays, we’re down. In fact, I’d say I’m an advocate. They have not said that. I like the gays. I like the LGBTQ community. I like em’ all! I like the L, the B, the G, the T, the Q. In equal measures. I don’t even have a favorite! I like em’ all equally. I support them all equally. As individual groups. I do not support them as a collective group. Because they have fucking nothing in common. You have one bloke who’s like, “I like sucking dicks!” Another guy goes, “I wanna cut my dick off! We should be a group!”

Which brings us to the trans… people. Uh, look. Hot topic in comedy. A lot of people are talking about it. I’ve worked with trans people for 20 years in this business. I have no issue with trans people. I think it must be a very hard life. You know, if there was a surgery that I could have for me to stop hating myself, I’d fucking take it. So I get it. It’s not an easy choice. Right? And then… I’ve got no problems with trans people, I see all the comedians, there’s Chapelle and Gervais and they told those jokes, and, um… Everyone got upset and there was all this press. And I have no problem with trans people. But I do like press. So here we go!

As I said, I like trans people. Do you know why I like trans people? I like anyone who’s got a good story. If we’re at a party and you tell me you cut your dick off, you’ve caught my attention. I’ll sit and chat to you for a while. I feel like you might have some tales to tell. Can I empathize completely with a trans person? I try to, but I can’t, really. Because I’ll never know what it’s like to hate the body I’m living in so… Oh, hang on, I do. I… I’ve never understood this argument. “I hated the body I live in.” That’s like 98% of us. Ninety-eight percent of us get out of the shower and see ourselves in the mirror and go, “Aww…” But I’ve never wanted to cut my dick off and that’s a fundamental difference. I do consider myself a bloke with a six pack and I’d like you to see me that way as well. I like trans people. I often think they shouldn’t stop transitioning. Keep going! Transition more. You ever see a trans person and think to yourself, “They could do with more.”

Let me explain. So when a man becomes a woman and I will call you a woman or them, they, her, whatever you wanna be called. I got all day. I’ll call you whatever you want, I regard you as a woman, you’ve made the decision to change, I regard you as a woman. So the surgery, first thing they do is take the hormones, it lowers the bone density, it raises the voice a bit. Then they go get the surgery. So the first thing they do is, they cut the dick off and they put that on a plate. I don’t… for the life of me, I don’t know why people laugh when I say, “You put that on a plate.” What did you want me to do in this scenario? They cut the dick off and they chuck it! Of course there’s a fucking plate!

So they cut the dick off, now they have to make a hole. So they get a spoon… at this stage, I should mention that I’m not a doctor. I have no formal medical training to speak of. So I just know this happens. So… They shovel a hole. But that’s just a hole. That’s not realistic. You need flaps. And that’s where the dick meat comes into play. So they… They julienne some dick strips… and they get some 3M double-sided tape. And they put two on this side and one on that side. I don’t know a lot about c*nts, but they’re not symmetrical. So… So then they’ve made it, right? That’s all really… That’s good now, it’s good. So they grow their hair long, make sure they’re clean shaven, right?

Then they get the fake tits. Now, here is my problem where they don’t transition enough. They always get perfect tits. Believe me. They always get perfect tits. And that’s not the real female experience. They wanna be a real woman, they gotta get one titty slightly bigger than the other. And a nipple covering one for no reason. You do that, you can play any sport you want, I reckon.

Then the next one, so a woman becoming a man. How would they… They would have to… You’d fill that in, wouldn’t you? You’d fill it in? Cement? So they cement that in. Then they have to build a new fresh dick with that new dick smell. Maybe that’s what all the excess dick bits… They build a new dick. A beautiful dick. You’d ask for a good one, wouldn’t ya? You wouldn’t go small. You’d go, “Give me a nice dick.” Then they take the hormones, they always grow a beard. I’d grow a beard too. I understand that completely. They cut off the tits. But they always keep the full head of hair. That is not the real male experience. Whoa! If they wanna be a real man, just one of them. Just one. Shave the horse-shoe shape in, and grow a bit out the side and fuck it, whip it across. ‘Cause they will never know the full pain of male pattern baldness. It’s fucking killer.

If you watch my early specials I think I’ve done nine, maybe… You watch them, I get hairier and hairier as I go along. ‘Cause I had a transplant I’ve had fucking… I take a tablet every day for the last 15 years to keep my hair looking this shitty. Hey, every single fucking day I have to take this tablet, if I stop, my hair falls out. Gotta keep taking it. But I have to only take it every four days now. If I take it everyday, my dick doesn’t work. So I have a couple of options in life. Either I have hair and I can’t fuck anyone, or I’m bald and no one wants to fuck me.

And people, you mock the bald. You tease them, it’s like the last physical… We can’t knock the fat anymore, or this or that. But it’s the last physical thing people tease about. “Hey baldy.” They don’t give a fuck. My friend, someone polished his head at a party with a tea towel. Right? Fucking terrible shit. It really hurts. Losing your hair as a man is devastating. Devastating. So you can’t joke about it anymore. And you’re thinking I’m a comedian, I should have thicker skin. But no. It’s over. You cannot knock or tease male pattern baldness anymore. And these are your rules, not fucking mine. And I’ll tell you why.

I’ll tell you why. Because one woman once had her baldness mentioned in jest… and you all lost your fucking shit, didn’t ya? Fuck Jada Pinkett Smith and her bald ass fucking head! I have zero sympathy! I hope it never grows back! She has it easy! A woman losing their hair is easier than a man losing their hair. And I know you don’t think it is, but it fucking is. First of all, sympathy out the fucking wazoo. They get called brave. Sir, did anyone ever call you brave? Not fucking one! Not one! She could’ve worn a wig. She could’ve worn a wig. No one would’ve cared.

Men aren’t allowed to cover their baldness up in any fucking way, and if they do, they’re considered a loser by society. If a man has a comb over, as soon as he leaves the room, you’re all making little comments. “You see the fucking c*nt with the comb over?” How dare he. How dare he try to look like he has hair like everyone else. Not allowed to wear a wig. If a man wears a wig and is found out, that’s fucking… There’s no country you can move to. If a man wears a wig, and he’s not found out, his entire life is lived in fear. All day’s he’s like this. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! The weatherman said it wouldn’t be windy!” Yet women are allowed to wear wigs. Women are allowed to wear wigs over full heads of hair, and they’re just having a bit of fun. Wigs for everyone, or wigs for no one!

While I’m at it, fake ponytails, hair extensions. If you can’t grow it, you can’t fucking have it! Do you know how disgusting it is that a part of our society with hair who are allowed to wear wigs when the bald is not? That is the equivalent of a woman who can walk getting in a wheelchair… and wheeling herself up to a legless man trying to crawl his way home from the pub… and she just keeps up with him and laughs.

So my point is… DJ’s gay, right? So… Now, this is the story of how DJ Qualls came out of the closet. His friends and I knew he was gay, but it wasn’t public. Me and DJ went to see Elton John in concert at his Farewell Tour, right? So we’re sittin’ there… Yeah. I’ll take any cheer I can get. Anyway, so… We went to the concert, we’re sitting there, and Elton’s at the piano and the band leaves the stage and now it’s just Elton, the piano, and a spotlight. Nothing else. And Elton says, “This will be the final song I perform this evening.” Now of course, it wasn’t. He was doing that c*nty thing that musicians do. Like fucking how long as a society are we gonna play their fucking game? Every single concert we go to, “No. Don’t go.” You know they’re coming back. And we always act surprised. “We did it!” I was next to a young fella. Maybe his first concert. He was maybe 15-years-old. Elton said, “This’ll be the final song.” And the kid lost his mind. “No, Elton! No!” And I was like, “Calm the fuck down, mate. He hasn’t sung ‘Rocket Man’ yet.” So we’re there, it’s a three-hour mark and Elton, right? He says, he gives a ten minute speech. A beautiful speech, Farewell Tour. He says, “Thank you so much for following my 50 year career. Thank you so much for buying the albums and hearing the music. Without you listening to the songs, me writing them is inconsequential. And I love you. You’re the greatest fans I could have.”

A beautiful speech, right? Very long, but it was a beautiful speech. And I turned to DJ and I went, “I should do that.” And he said, “Do what?” “I should thank the people who come to see me. I never do that. I tell my jokes and I piss off. I don’t do that.” And he goes, “Yeah, but with your fanbase someone would just yell out, ‘Fag!’ Like that.” And as he said that, Elton John had stopped talking. And the word “fag” just sang out. Everyone in the room’s freaking the fuck out. They’re all turning around. Of course they think it’s me. I’m elbowing DJ, “Probably a good time to come out. I’d come out right fucking now.” Elton John looks up from his piano. Stares at us, the room goes silent. Now let’s break down what just happened there. Elton John’s at the three-hour mark of his Farewell Tour and he gave a lovely speech, and someone yelled out “fag.” Who must’ve Elton thought that person was? Did he think it was someone who really hated him and had come to show after show, and was like, “If I don’t say it now, I’ll never say it!” Or did he think it was someone who had just figured it out? Maybe… Maybe someone who’d bought the albums, listened to the music, never seen the outfits. And he’s sitting with his wife like this. “He wears an awful lot of sequins, doesn’t he? “You know what I think? I think he might be a… fag!”

So the next day… I’m performing in San Diego, and DJ came along with me to my show. And so he’s, he’s sitting in the wings and I tell the Elton John story that night. I’m on the stage, and I don’t mention DJ’s name because I don’t want them to know it’s him. And then he walked on stage out of nowhere. He came on, and I looked at him, “What the fuck’s he doing?” And he… And he took the microphone from me, and he went, “It was me! I’m gay!” And the whole place erupted. And he just waved goodnight. And then he tweeted about it right away. Tweeted it so he couldn’t take it back. That’s how he came out.

Then we went out that night and everyone was so excited for him. People from the show came up, gave him drinks and hugs, took photos. Everyone… It was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. Coming out looks like a lot of fun. Like… Like, I was gettin’ jealous. ‘Cause you know, as a hetero, we’ve got nothin’. You know… Like… I have no bit of information that will really ruin an elderly relative’s Christmas. So I thought about it, what have I got that’s close to coming out? I thought about it and I’ve come up with this. It’s hard to say publicly, but I have to… live my truth. My favorite TV show is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love that shit! I don’t work on Monday nights ’cause I like to follow the live tweets. I’m part of Bachelor Nation! I fuckin’ love that shit. A lot of you might think I’m an idiot for enjoying that. Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m not stupid. I don’t like reality shows. I don’t watch Selling Sunset, or Below Deck, or any of that fuckin’ shit. I like game shows. And The Bachelor is a game show, where the prize is a person. It’s a lot of people who just want to get famous. And we force two of them to get married. It’s fuckin’ belter.

If you’ve never seen it, I’ll walk you through The Bachelorette. It’s a 28-year-old girl. She lives in a house you never really see. She’s in this house over here. And there’s a mansion that literally has 30 guys in it that are all fighting for her attention, right? She comes over and visits occasionally. Oh! There’s a petition, going around the internet, for a gay bachelor. No! The Bachelor is a heterosexual show for heterosexual people, and it will remain that way, thank you very much. I’m not being homophobic. It just wouldn’t logistically work. Say you got a gay bachelor, his name’s Darren. Darren lives in a house over here. Then there’s a mansion over here… with 30 guys. You’re getting ahead of me, Toronto, don’t do that. And the producers come over to meet Darren. They go, “We’ve got a great group of guys. They’re very excited to meet you.” “I’m excited to meet them.” And then Darren walks over there. With all of his hopes and wishes and dreams inside this house. And he gets to the doorknob, and takes a breath… and then he opens the door and they’re all fuckin’ each other. And the producers, they know this isn’t good for the show. So they roll up a newspaper and start wackin’ ’em. “Get out of it! Stop fuckin’ each other!” They get a spray bottle. They get on of ’em and rub their nose in their cum. “Bad gay! Bad gay!” So no gay Bachelor.

Let’s do The Bachelorette. The bachelorette will be a 28-year-old girl, she’s known she’ll be the bachelorette for, like, four months. She does what most women do before marriage. She’s working out every day. She’s eating well. If she does eat something naughty, she vomits it back up. This is a comedy show, so if there are any bulimic women in the room, don’t think it goes unnoticed. Us boys appreciate that you’re keeping it tight. You’re doing what the fat girls aren’t willing to do.

So… She’s at the front of this mansion, She’s all bulimic, ripped and bulimic, sexy… She’s had her hair and makeup done professionally She’s in a $10,000 dress that the show has given her. This woman is in her prime. She will never look better than she does at this exact moment. What a good time to fall in love, eh? I can’t see any disappointment in the future. So she stands at the front of the house, then 30 limos, one by one, will drive up, and 30 different men will come out of their car. They’ll walk up, they’ll introduce themselves, then they’ll say some line they pre-rehearsed they think will sweep her off her feet. This line will be some innocuous bit of rubbish that fuckin’ means nothing. Now… They show up in the car, good lookin’ guys, wearing a beautiful, tailored suit. Right? But because they’re in their 20’s, the leg’s up to here. It’s very important to that generation that we see their ankles. You look like c*nts.

Anyways… So the limousines show up, and out steps this guy, right? He’ll be handsome, wrinkly forehead handsome. And he’ll walk up to her, he’ll be… “Hi, my name’s Kevin. I believe… that a woman’s heart should be protected.” What the fuck does this mean? But she will think this is amazing. She’ll just be like, “I also believe that a woman’s heart needs protecting.” “Well maybe we should talk about that inside.” And then he walks off, and she loses her shit. She goes to the presenter, “Oh, my God, it’s Kevin. Kevin’s the one.” She doesn’t know fuckin’ jack shit about Kevin. Kevin arrived in a car he doesn’t own, in a suit he’s been given walking into a mansion he’s never fucking been in. Kevin could be unemployed, living with his mom in Regina. He doesn’t know fuckin’ Kevin.

Now on the show you need to get a rose, alright? And if you’re one of the guys… I don’t watch the Canadian version. I live in America, they give roses. I assume with you guys it’s, “I really like you, here’s a beaver pelt.” In the USA they give a rose, right? If you’re one of these guys going, “I won’t get a rose this week, she doesn’t like me,” What you do, you tell her a sob story, alright? Cause she can’t fuck you off that week. Can’t get rid of you that week. She’s a bitch if she kicks you off that week. So a sob story will buy you about a week. Now… it’s amazing how they just weave them into conversations out of nowhere. And ’cause they’re in their 20’s, some of these sob stories are as weak as balls. And it always happens… They’ll be playing touch football, the girl comes by, they say, “Hey, Katie, how are you?” And one guy will stand back… and he’ll wait ’til he makes eye contact. She’ll come up, and she’ll be like, “What’s wrong?” “Oh, no. No, no. It’s… It’s nothing, it’s nothing. It’s just that… we’re having such a good time today, I just wish that… my grandmother was here to see it.” And you’re like, “You’re 28, mate, you’re grandmother’s meant to be dead, c*nt.”

There was a guy last season, he was raising a four-year-old boy, right? ‘Cause his wife had died two years earlier. That’s roses all day! I… I… I got married in Covid. I… I would’ve waited a little longer but, I said to my wife, “I’m worried that Covid’s going to end, we must get married now.” She said, “Why?” ‘Cause my wife’s British, I’m Australian. We live in Los Angeles, right? I said, “Covid will end, we have to get married.” She’s like, “Why?” I go, “‘Cause if we wait ’til after Covid, I have to fly c*nts in from all over the world. See people I don’t want to fuckin’ know.” So we went to Vegas, just did it, and rang everyone up, “It wasn’t the same without you. Damn you, Covid!” It was the fuckin’ best, man.

I love my wife, I’m lovin’ being married. I’m loving it. I know. I believe… I believe in the term, “Happy wife, happy life.” These are words to live by. There’s never been a truer sentence in the English language than “Happy wife, happy life.” If your wife is happy, you’ll be happy, the kids will be happy, everyone will be happy. It does surprise me, however, that there’s no saying that goes the other way. If my wife had a saying, it would be, “Happy husband, we’ll see about that.” Or, “Happy husband, what’s he been up to?” So… We get married in Vegas, and then my wife gets pregnant on the wedding night. Probably mine. So she gets pregnant, it wasn’t expected. We have a little boy now. Um… Thanks. I’m not fuckin’ having another one. I’m not doing it. I’m actually having a vasectomy on Monday. I had to time it after this. I’m having one on Monday. My wife doesn’t want me to get one.

But I said, “My body, my choice.”

Do it!

I see why you guys like throwing that out. That seems like a fun sentence, “My body, my choice.” I told my dad a couple weeks ago, I said, “Dad, I’m getting a vasectomy.” He’s 81 years old. I said, “Dad, I’m getting a vasectomy.” He said, “Don’t do it.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “Because most women, not all women, but most women they like to see the cum.” And I said, “Dad, when you have a vasectomy, you still ejaculate, it just doesn’t work anymore.” And he went, “Oh, get one, then.” That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen anyone change their opinion on fucking anything. He’s 81 years old, and all that time he thought blokes with vasectomies were shooting dust out of their dicks.

So the wife gets pregnant, right? Now, we had a baby shower. We had a little boy, we had a baby shower. Before I tell this, I have to mention, my wife is British, very posh accent, sounds like Mary Poppins, my wife, right? She’s British, but visually… she’s, um… she’s Indian. I feel like I said that weird, didn’t I? Said that a bit weird. How do I fix that? British talky talky, Indian looky looky. Alright, nailed it. Anyway… So my wife’s Indian, she’s walking around the baby shower holding her stomach, going, “I hope he’s brown. I want a brown baby. Not a stupid White baby.” Now, I wasn’t offended. But imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine if I was walking around the baby shower with my friends… and I pointed at my wife’s stomach, and went, “I hope he’s White. I want a White baby, not a stupid brown baby.”

Anyway, so the baby’s born. This thing’s white as fuck, man. It’s so fuckin’ white. This is whiter than the kid I had with the blonde Canadian woman. I don’t know what happened. I was at the c*nt-end of the birth, and I saw the baby crowning, I was like, “She’s not gonna be happy about this!” My mother-in-law… So at this stage they take baby out, my mother-in-law has it. My wife’s being stitched up. She’s being stitched up. Could have done more. Anyway, so… She’s being stitched up, the reason I’m telling you this, she’s in no mood to make a joke, she’s not joking when she says this next thing, she’s not joking. This baby that came out of the woman looks just like me. It has thin hair and one eyebrow. My mother-in-law’s there, she holds the baby next to my head, and she goes, “Oh, my God. He looks exactly the same as Jim.” And my wife said, “So you don’t think he’ll be good looking?” You can’t argue with a woman when her c*nt’s being stitched up. You just can’t! So I just stand there and take it like this. “Maybe he’ll grow up to be one of those people who pays for everything.”

So my wife… I’d never seen her hornier than the last trimester of her pregnancy. Don’t know if it happens to others, something to do with hormones. She wanted to fuck non-stop in the last trimester. So we go to the obstetrician. And the obstetrician says to us, my wife’s asking the doctor, and the doctor’s talking about medicine things. She’s like, “And the baby will turn around, expect this to happen, your ankles will do this,” she’s telling her all these things, and my wife’s so single-minded, she’s like, “But can we still have sex? Are we still allowed to have sex?” And the doctor’s like, “Of course! We encourage it. It’s healthy to have sex during the pregnancy.” And I went, “Uh… I don’t know. Feels like it might hurt the baby.”

That wasn’t the real reason I didn’t want to have sex. The real reason was… I thought she looked weird. Now, I know that’s not a nice thing to say, but I can’t… The dick wants what the dick wants. The dick didn’t want. I told him he should want, but he’s in charge, man. He didn’t want. I love my wife. I’m very attracted to my wife. But when she was really pregnant, she was like… She’s five foot two, she’s under a hundred pounds. She gained no weight. All she gained was a big fuckin’ pot belly. She looked like fuckin’ ET, man. So, I had this fuckin’ horny ET, just following me around the house, like, “Are we going to fuck today? Are we going to fuck today?” I’m like, “Oh, my God, no!” It’s…

Over the course of my career, I’ve told a lot of jokes, a lot of sex jokes. Lot of sex jokes. Normally they’re about cocaine, one-night stands, threesomes, prostitutes, things like that. I’m sorry, you’ll not hear that this evening. Because, I’m a happily married father of two, I’m 45 years old, and it’s just not my life anymore. But I still want to do some sex jokes for you. But these sex jokes are for all the people in the room who are just like me. And they have to fuck the same person every day. When you fuck the same person every day, you get good at it. You get good or you get efficient. You know each other’s buttons, and how to get them out of the room quickly.

Now I should mention something about myself. Um… I haven’t had a drink in 18 months. Right, I don’t… I don’t drink anymore. I think if you’ve watched my career, you’ve seen that I’ve had struggles. I did some of my specials completely drunk, there were some specials where I blacked out afterwards, and I don’t remember the special. I just… I had a problem. I had years that I was good, I had a handle on it, then I didn’t, then it got away from me. It’s been a struggle for many years. So I want to talk to you about something important. I know a lot of you won’t like me talking about it. I had… something… come into my life which I’ve always rejected. And this change has given me… Weed! How fucking good is weed? I had no idea! It was a drug I never did. I was doing cocaine, and all… pills and all that shit. I never used weed. I thought, “I might get…” It’s the fucking best! I never want to drink again, man! I don’t want to drink. I much prefer being high. I don’t drink anymore. I’m high and dry, baby! High and dry! I fucking… I get stoned, I take an edible, every fucking day. I’m a fucking koala, man! So every day… I drop my kid at school, and I take an edible. And I play Call of Duty for about five hours. Alright, play Call of Duty, and my wife will come in, I’ll be there, stoned, playing Call of Duty, and she’ll come in, sit next to me, and she’ll go, “Do you wanna fuck?” And I’ll be like, “Uh… Team Deathmatch.” And then she’ll look up at me. I can’t say no to her. So I’m like this… Now get out of here, you! And she’s happy with that. That helps her move on with her day.

My wife hasn’t watched me do standup for over a year because we have a kid and she’s… Look, life is busy. She hasn’t come to my shows in a year. And I said to her before this special, I said, “Uh… There’s a couple of jokes about you.” And she was like, “Don’t tell me, don’t tell me.” She says, “I want to watch them on Netflix with you.” So… right now… if you’re watching this on Netflix, know that I’m next to my wife like this. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you settle in to four positions. You start out with more, but as the relationship gets on, you settle down to your core four. The four positions you always use. You both know your core four, but you’ve never talked to each other about the core four. Right now you’re thinking about your core four. And in the car ride home, you’ll talk about your core four. We’re all doing two of the same. Her on top, him on top. These are classics! They’re not going anywhere! Then the other two are variables for your relationship. And they are… the one that helps her cum, and the one that helps him cum. Your finishing positions. I won’t tell you my wife’s finishing position, because I respect her privacy. But I will tell you mine. I used to finish in doggie when I was a younger man, but as I’ve gotten older, I now finish in what’s called “lazy doggie.” Lazy doggie is where you lay in the spoon position, grab one tit, and you rut around. It’s a fucking solid position. It’s a good position! ‘Cause you feel like you’re being active, but you still get a pillow. My wife loves me so much, that if she finishes in her position, she’ll just get off the cock, and she’ll lay in lazy doggie, and she’ll look at me and go, “Go on, then.” And I’ll be like, “Thanks, love. I shan’t be long”

Every now and again, you venture out of the core four. You’ll throw in an old position you used to do. There’s one position all couples do four or five times a year. And every time, you go, “This is dumb.” That’s reverse cowgirl. Now in case you don’t know, that’s when the girl’s on top, turned around. So the ass is facing you and she just… But she bends over, so it’s not good, because the dick goes this way, and the c*nt goes that way. And they’re fighting against each other. Unless you have a big dick, and I don’t, right? It’ll come out every sixth thrust or so, and you have to thumb it back in. Hello, mate. Good to see you. Back you go. Didn’t think I’d see you again so soon. Back in.

There’s another thing you only do early in a relationship, and then you fuck it off. Sixty-nine. Sixty-nine is a new relationship activity. And then you fucking never do it again. Three months it gets, 69. You do it in the beginning to act like you’re free with your body. But then it’s stupid. Too much geometry involved. I’m six foot tall, so I need a woman who’s five-five for the perfect 69. Any taller, I’m finger-banging behind my head, and licking her navel. Any shorter, my neck’s up like this, and I feel like I’m in the front row at the movies. That’s why you gotta give it up for the gays. Must be wonderful. You just see each other. Same height? 69. ‘Cause those people stick together like LEGO.

Another problem with 69 is, no one’s doing their best work. I can’t lick your c*nt to the best of my ability if you’re sucking my dick to the best of yours, and vice versa. I can’t tell you… how many times I’ve been in 69, and I’ve thought to myself… “I haven’t done anything for minutes. Should probably get back to it.” And then because I’m doing such a good job, she’s lost all focus! She has a cock in her mouth with zero fucking passion! You have to knee her in the head, “Fucking get back to it!”

You ever do the 69, where the woman’s laying on her back, and the man gets on top? This is so horrendous looking, that you can’t search for it in Pornhub. No one in the world has ever searched… I’ve tried! They’ve never searched for this! No one wants to see it! You always get into that position by accident. It’s never your intention. Me and the wife got into it by accident, right? So I’d… gone down her, right? Y’know… my turn. We don’t keep a tally, but… I’m two up. Anyway, so… I go down on her, she finishes, right? I fucking go, I’m off to the bathroom. Her heads at the end of the bed, she was lying that way, and as I’m walking by, she grabs my cock and she goes to put it in her mouth and I’m like, “Hello!” I should mention at this stage, my in-laws will be watching this. I… I don’t know what to tell ya. Anyway, so… So, she starts sucking my cock and I’m like “Good on you! Well done, you!” And we go through the whole show, the whole song and dance. We all do it. She puts it in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out, and I slap it on her tongue, and… and she acts like that’s something she enjoys. She’s like this, “Ah!” And I’m like… “You’re having a good time.” So… she’s sucking on my dick, and her head’s at the end of the bed and I don’t know why I did this, but I thought “What I’ll do is whip my leg around here… like that!” And as soon as I did it, I knew I’d made an error. The ballsack was covering her nose, and and… and the breathing became very labored. And not just her nose, they’d come over her eyes, giving her fly’s eyes. And I was like, “This can’t be good. I have to relieve a bit of the pressure.” So, I put one knee up onto the mattress. But all that did was shift the balls off the eyes, onto the bridge of the nose so… she still can’t breathe but now she has a very clear view of my gaping, hemorrhoidal asshole. And I’m like… “That can’t be fun.” So, I put the other knee up. Then I’m up. And then I fell forward, and started licking from above, and acted like that was what I meant to do!

Now, boys… if you ever find yourself in a situation where a woman asks for a 69 where she’s on the bottom and you’re on the top, make sure you get yourself some rock-solid consent. Get a video of her saying what she expects, what she wants. Make her hold the newspaper for that day. Maybe a contract, get a notary. There’s not enough. Because, girls, once we get started in this position, there’s no turning back. Unless your safe word is… you’re butt-fuck outta luck! If you do it on a soft, inner-spring mattress, she stands a chance! You do it on memory foam, you’ll fucking kill a bitch!

That’s what it’s like to be married. Now… I wanna finish on this routine. I have… traveled the world with this job, this job has been such a blessing in my life. I just, I have been… I have been everywhere. Anywhere where they speak English, I’ve gotten up somewhere and told a few dick jokes. It’s fantastic. I’ll tell you what, I’ve seen all different cultures, different societies and I know who the biggest c*nts on Earth are. The biggest c*nts on Earth are the Swedes. Swedish people are the worst people on Earth. If there’s any Swedish people in the room know that you’re not welcome here. Do you know Sweden was the last place in the free world to give up on Eugenics? Right up until 1974, they were sterilizing people against their will if they were disabled or had a degenerative disease. So if you had cerebral palsy, muscular distrophy, you’re a dwarf, they sterilized you. That’s 1974. That’s recent history.

But if you go there, you can’t argue with the results. Fuck me, they’re good looking! Like they’re so fucking good looking, man. They’re so good looking, it’s like they’re killing the ugly people. Now, I’m not saying they’re walking around killing people, that’s ridiculous. I’m saying they’re doing it from birth. So, there’ll be, like, a woman giving birth, there’ll be, like, a doctor, and then there’ll be, like, an official guy in the corner. And the doctor pulls the baby out and goes… “No.” Right? Then they throw the baby in the corner with all the other ugly, dead babies. He didn’t have a plate this time. Right? And the woman, they’re such a rational breed of people, I don’t think the woman would even be upset. I think she’d just be like this, “Was it ugly, was it? Thank you for catching it so early.”

Urban legend has it… that one of the ugly dead babies survived. It wasn’t hit hard enough, and it was thrown into the corner. And then the other ugly dead babies kept on piling up on top of it. And it lived under there. Feeding… off the rotting flesh. Until, eventually, it was strong enough to crawl away on its own. “Be free, Greta. Be free.”

Thank you very much! I appreciate it! You’re awesome!

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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

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Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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