JIM JEFFERIES: BARE (2014) – Full Transcript

Nothing is sacred in this show from Australian comic Jim Jefferies, whether it’s the mother of his child, auditioning disabled actors, or gun control.

[Car horn honks] [Audience cheering] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Jim Jefferies! [Upbeat music playing] Hello! Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. [Chuckles] Thank you, Boston. I appreciate that. [Whooping] Uh, that’s very sweet of you. [Man] Love you! I’m at the end of the tour right now. I’m very happy to be on tour because I now have a child. Ah, so… any time out of home is good for me. Um, I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for two months. So… [Audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you. Life decisions. And she’s a nice girl, and I love her in a way, sure. My problem with my girlfriend is, she’s very sweet, but she’s shit at telling stories, and I’m awesome at telling stories, so it really bothers me when she talks. And I don’t know if that’ll be a problem in the future, but it’s a problem now and I don’t see it getting better. Um… I’ll give you an example, right? I was in the car, and my son Hank was asleep in the back seat, and we’re driving along, and on the radio comes Madonna, and my girlfriend just slips into conversation, “Oh, I used to party with Madonna.” And I went, “You fucking what, when?” And she went, “I used to party with Madonna.” Now, I should fill you in a little bit on this. My girlfriend used to be a model in Miami, right? I’m not bragging. I didn’t get the model years. I didn’t get those years. I’ve seen the photos. Very impressive. Um… So, I said, “So you used to party with Madonna. Madonna used to have big parties and invite models over, right?” And she went, “No, no, it would just be me and a few other people.” I go, “You need to elaborate on this story right now.” And she goes, “Oh, okay, I used to date the center for the Miami Heat.” As soon as you hear that the mother of your child used to date an NBA center, even if this guy’s even slightly in proportion… a lot of things flood through your head. First thing is, “That’s why your cunt’s so fucked up.” That’s a big one. “That’s why our child came out while you were walking. I understand.” So she said, “I used to date the center for the Miami Heat. His best friend was Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman used to go out with Madonna, and we used to go over to Madonna’s house.” And she goes, “This one time, the four of us were over at Madonna’s house, and we were all fucked up on drugs, and one thing led to another…” And then I went, “Shut the fuck up!” And she went, “What?” I said, “I know what ‘one thing led to another’ means! You all started fucking each other!” And she went, “We did. We started…” “Just shut up!” And she goes, “What do you care for?” I said, “You’re the mother of my child! I don’t wanna picture you being fucked by a 7’2″ NBA player while you’re licking out Madonna’s muscular vagina and Dennis Rodman is in the corner stroking his tattooed cock, going…” [Moaning] And she goes, “Oh, you’re being silly. What do you care for? You’ve partied way more than I have in my life.” And I went, “That is not true. I’ve gotten wasted way more than you have, but I have, in no way, partied way more than you have. Often, I get wasted just by myself. I wouldn’t call it a party.” For most of my career, I was a struggling comedian, right? And this is how struggling comedians party, right? It’s 5:00 a.m., Monday, right? We’re in a one-bedroom apartment. Seven of us are standing around a coffee table, trying to stretch out two grams of coke. One of us is at the end of the table giving conspiracy theories… and the rest of us are talking about where women might be. One of us has come up with a plan. The plan goes like this, “Well… nurses will be finishing their shift soon. Maybe if we just stand out the front of the ER, they’ll appreciate seven funny guys.” [Chuckles] I don’t… You know, I’ve never partied like a model. I have partied twice in my life. Twice. Like, really partied. I’ve had good nights out, but I’ve really partied twice. If you really party, and most people never experience this, it’s an amazing thing. It happens in Vegas. It can only happen in Vegas, and it’s gotta involve celebrity, right? I’m not famous, but the people around me were super famous, and I was at this party in the night club, and they took me in. And then there’s the night club, but then there’s the real night club out the back, which is, like, the size of this stage. It’s only a little room. And you go back there and you can just… They encourage you to take drugs in the open, and you’re just doing it off a key, [Sniffs] and they’re going, “No, dude. Use the table. Don’t use your…” And I go, “Oh, oh. Oh, sorry. Um…” And it’s confusing at first, and then their security will drag women off that other night club into your room. Just bring ’em in like, “Huh?” And you can do this. You can go… “Uh…” Like that. And they’ll drag these women away. It is the best thing you’ll ever do with your life. When you party that hard as a man, there’s a lot of remorse ’cause you have to tip everyone a lot of money. You wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover, and you go to your friends. You go, “Oh, my God. We partied so hard last night. I spent $5,000.” When a hot girl parties that hard, she wakes up in the morning and goes, “Oh, my God. We partied so hard last night. I made $5,000.” And that’s a vastly different emotion that… I don’t think women will never… Yeah, okay.

This is the thing. In America, at the moment, they’re trying to raise the minimum wage to, I don’t know, $16 an hour or something like that, and whenever they bring up this argument, they always go, “And still to this day, women only earn 70% of what men earn in the workplace.” And of course, that’s disgusting. How dare women earn so much? Like… a lot of things that I say tonight will be jokes that I don’t actually mean, but this is something I’m really passionate about. Women do not deserve to earn as much money as men in the workplace. I’m sorry. I… [Audience whooping] I’m not being a misogynistic bastard, right? I’m not saying that women don’t work as hard. I’m sure they do. I’m not saying they don’t do as good a job. What I’m saying is they don’t deserve to earn as much money as men. Right? Men need that extra 30% to buy meals and drinks and Jim Jefferies tickets and all that shit! [Audience cheering] Now… I’m sure there’s women in this room that are saying, “Oh, I pay for my drinks. I bought my own ticket.” And don’t think we don’t appreciate the uglies, ’cause we do. Right? We do. But there’s little things in society that you can’t change. Men have extra expenses that you’ll never understand. There’s holidays that are just for women. Like Valentine’s Day is just for women. They say it’s for romantics. They say it’s for couples or something like that. It’s just for women. There’s no man who gets excited by Valentine’s Day. There’s no man that when he sees the Valentine’s Day decorations go up in the shopping mall, he goes, “Oh, Valentine’s Day is coming!” Valentine’s Day is a mathematical equation that every man has in his head, and it goes like this, “How much money do I have to spend today so that you won’t act like a cunt?” It doesn’t stop there. Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day rocked around in my house when my son was six months old. My girlfriend’s first Mother’s Day. And she went, “Oh, I wonder what I’ll get for Mother’s Day.” And I went, “Probably fucking nothing. He’s got no money. He’s six months old. What do you think he’s gonna buy you?” Within an hour, her friends were over at the house, just by coincidence, telling me what a bad person I was and how important Mother’s Day is to a new mum, you know? And so, I went and bought her a cappuccino machine ’cause I assumed that’s what Hank would have wanted her to have… and I wrote a card. I’m not a bastard. I wrote a card. I’m right-handed. So I got my left hand. Every new dad knows this. You get the crayon and you go, [Imitating child] “Happy Mother’s Day. Love, Hank.” And I went, “H-A-N…” And then I did the “K” back-to-front because he’s a fucking moron. See, now I know there’s people in the room, they’re thinking, “Well, fathers have Father’s Day.” Father’s Day is bullshit. It’s fucking shit, Father’s Day. Father’s Day came around and my girlfriend went, “What do you want for Father’s Day?” And I went, “I don’t want anything. Don’t even worry about it. I don’t want anything.” And she goes, “Come on. You gotta have something.” I said, “Honestly, I don’t want anything.” And she goes, “Come on.” And I went, “It’s my fucking money. Just don’t touch it. Just leave my money alone. How hard is this? How about, for 24 hours, you don’t touch my fucking money? That would be a gift.” That’s why every single father has that one Father’s Day gift that they cherish, and it’s shit! It’s, like, a fucking ceramic mug that the kid made in school where the handle’s too big, and it says, “I heart Dad.” And they keep that for 20 fucking years, this mug. And do you wanna know why they like it? Every now and again, they look at it and go… “That cost me nothing, that mug.” [Audience whooping] See… wouldn’t it be nice to have one day that was for men and for fathers and all that type of stuff, but didn’t cost anything, that everyone could participate in, right? I’ve got it, right? April 18th… Anal Sex Day. [Men cheering loudly] It’s good, isn’t it? Everyone’s girlfriend or wife has to take it in the ass on April 18th. It’s nice. A month before, you’d be walking around the shopping center going, “Oh, the decorations are up!” [Men whooping] And it’s good ’cause if your bird didn’t take it in the ass, you could do the same thing that women do on Valentine’s Day when they don’t get a gift. You could go like, “Oh, me mate, Jason, his wife took it in the ass twice. Yeah, obviously, they’re more connected than we are. They’ve, uh…” I’m thinking, I don’t do much merchandise after my shows and stuff, but I’m thinking of bringing out some April 18th T-shirts. Not even putting “Jim Jefferies” on them or anything. Just T-shirts that say, “April 18th.” ‘Cause it’s good, right? You’re in a bar. You’re a guy. You see a guy at the other end of the bar with an April 18th, and you go… Fucking friends for life, right? But even better, you see a girl with an April 18th T-shirt.

The weird thing is I’m bigging-up anal sex here, and I don’t even really like fucking girls in the ass that much. I’m not even a huge fan. I much prefer the cunt. I think it’s a much more… I think that a cunt is a much more purpose-built thing to fuck. But, you know, anal sex… Oh, you know… I do it. I get involved, ’cause I feel like I have to. You know, I… But I’ve never been a big fan of the ass fucking, I, uh… When I watch it on porn, it seems very inviting. The girl’s taking it so fluently in her ass, and she seems to be having fun, and, uh… But the thing is, you can’t smell porn. You don’t smell porn. You just… You just watch it. They never… And it’s different, porn. It’s different. They clean the girl’s asshole. They pump water into it until it’s very hygienic. I’m sure. And the girl seems to be so happy. She’s like… You’ve got it in her pussy, you’re fucking her, and then she’s like, “Put it in my ass.” She’s inviting. It’s like you’re doing her a favor in porn. And then she’s like… She says things… I don’t know, things like, “I’m enjoying that. Keep putting it in my ass. Fuck my ass. I love a cock in my ass.” And… And the experience I’ve had in my own life has been vastly different. I’ve… My experience has been a lot of crying. Now, although that can help you come at times, it’s not what you want… It’s not what you want for every day. I like the girl who acts like she’s enjoying it. Like, you know when your girlfriend’s like, “I’m gonna act like I enjoy it.” She does that whole, “Yeah. Oh, no, that’s good.” [Moaning] Ahh! ♪ I’m having a good time ♪ And then they’re always going, “Are you done? Are you close to done?” You never fuck a pussy and they go, “Are you almost done? Finish this.” Like that. If you’re fucking ass, they don’t want you… They want it all over, quick. And they do other things, the porn girls. I don’t know how much they get paid. I’m sure it’s more than what the men get paid. It’s the opposite bit of society. Um… But they do a thing called “ATM.” I don’t know if you know what that is, kids. That stands for “ass to mouth.” That’s where the porn girl will pull the cock from out of her anus, and she’ll put it directly in her mouth, and she’ll say something like, “I love the taste of my ass. Let me taste my ass.” And then the man, as a favor to this woman, puts his cock in her mouth to congratulate her on the fine work… [Applause] she’s been doing. Now, I had a drunken night with my ex-girlfriend where she thought she’d be all wild and try that. Once again, vastly different experience. I’m not a big fan of the ass fucking, and I don’t know of any man, if they’re truthful, really is. Now, there’s women in the room who are thinking, “Well, why does my guy constantly bother me to fuck me in my ass?” [Woman shouting] What a good question. [Woman whoops] Women, the reason that men like fucking you in the ass is because… we know you fucking hate it. [Cheering]

So… I’m a father. Um… I love my son! I love my son the same way that I love cigarettes. I like to hold him for five minutes every hour, and the rest of the time, I’m thinking about how he’s fucking killing me. He’s a good little boy. No, he’s a great little fella. I really like him. Um… My girlfriend super loves him, though. It’s fucking creepy. And… I’m glad I have a son. That worked out good for me. I wouldn’t be a good father to a girl. It wouldn’t be good for me. Nothing weird. Wouldn’t fuck it. I… I just don’t get along with women. You know how it is. I don’t want them in my house, and… So… Because you dream, see… For example, okay? When Hank was born… the couple over the road, within two weeks of Hank being born, had a baby girl, and rightly or wrongly, the first thing that went through my head was… “Aw, that’s great. I hope Hank fucks that one day.” That’s what I think… ‘Cause that’s what I think about my son. I hope when he’s of age, he just fucks everything. I don’t care if my son is gay or straight. All I care about is, when he is of age, that he gets every bit of fucking pussy or cock that he desires. That is my dream for my son! [Audience cheering] But never in the history of fathers and daughters, has a father held his baby girl and gone, “Oh, I hope you have a lot of cocks through you in your life. I hope you’re never shy of a cock. I hope you pass out at parties and all the boys are queuing up.” Right, you know… And it’s not just me. Women treat baby girls and baby boys differently as well. My girlfriend goes to the gym every morning. I go there very occasionally, and when you go to the gym, there’s a little daycare crèche thing in the gym where you can hand your child off, and inside that daycare, there’s, like, three women in their 50s. They’re very nice ladies, and you hand your kid off and he plays. Then when you finish your workout, you come and get him. And there’s a woman that works there who just loves my son. She sees all the other kids, but she loves Hank, and Hank fucking loves her, and the two of them light up when they see each other. And it’s super cute, I bring Hank up the stairs, and he starts going, “Uh, uh!” Trying to reach at her, all right? And she does this, she goes, “Everyone, my boyfriend’s here. Here’s my boyfriend. Give him here. He’s my boyfriend.” And then she kisses him, and she goes, ♪ My boyfriend gives me kisses My boyfriend gives me kisses ♪ It’s fucking adorable. But I tried doing that with a baby girl… Let’s say you go to the gym and there’s a daycare, and me and a couple of my mates are working there. “Hey, everyone… me girlfriend’s here. Give her here. Give her here. She’s my girlfriend. My girlfriend gives me kisses. You know that, right? She’s always giving me kisses. Enjoy your workout. Don’t worry about a thing.” [Applause] [Cheering] So… Also… it’s just easier to bring up a son than it is a daughter. It’s just little things. Even when they’re babies, it’s just easier. There’s a wiping technique when you’re wiping a baby’s ass. I don’t know if you have children, but this is how you do it. The baby lays on its back. You put their feet together. You lift the feet up, and then you go in and wipe. With a boy, you can wipe like that. Up and down, side to side, whatever the fuck you want, right? With a girl, you gotta wipe downward and away. Downward and away. It’s very important that you wipe away from the cunt. Very important. ‘Cause it turns out that women of all ages hate having shit in their cunts. They do. They fucking hate it. Boys don’t give a shit. Fucking… My son will have shit all over his dick and balls, and I’ll be cleaning it off under the foreskin, and he’ll be laughing like it’s the best day ever. Even at my age now, I find it funny if I have shit on my dick. If I fuck my girlfriend in the ass, I pull out, I’ve got shit on my dick, I’ll ring me mate Jason up and go, “Hey, Jason… It’s happened again. I got shit on my dick.” And he’ll tell me a similar story about when he had shit on his dick, and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. But never in the history of women has there been a woman with shit in her cunt and she’s thought, “Oh, I can’t wait to call Karen.” [Chuckles] [Laughs] When you… When my girlfriend got pregnant… When you meet… When you haven’t got a child, couples who have children are always bragging about how cool it is to have children. Whenever you meet couples with children they’re always like, “It is the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done with my life. My heart grows larger and larger every day.” And then the second that my girlfriend got pregnant, those same people went like this, “You’re never gonna sleep again! [Laughs maniacally] Forget about it. It’s over. You’re not gonna sleep.” They’re constantly telling you you’re not gonna sleep. Raising a baby is not that hard. I’ll tell you what, it’s easier than a coke habit. I had a coke habit for seven-and-a-half fucking years! At least it’s not me who wakes up crying anymore! I can sleep through other people crying. I’ve had girlfriends. That’s like white noise to me. I find it soothing. See, me and my girlfriend, just two months, we went, “Fuck it! Let’s have a kid.” Fucking did it, right? These other people, man… You know these couples, and they date from high school, and then they go out for a bit longer, and then after being together for like, seven years, they go, “We’re getting engaged. You wanna come to the party?” And you wanna say, “No, you’re really boring and we hate you.” But you go, “Oh, okay, great. You’re still together, are you? You fucked one person, have you? Oh, how exciting.” And… And then what they do is they don’t have a kid right away because they’re still not ready. “We have to see how our careers are going and shit.” And what they do is they get a dog, and then they act like the fucking dog’s their baby. They refer to it as their fucking baby. They send you a Christmas card of them holding the dog… and it says, “From our family to yours.” And then you have a barbecue, and you invite them, the humans, right? Then they come over. This fucking dog runs in, jumping over everything, and you’re like, “What the fuck is this shit?” And they’re like, “We had to bring him. We bring our baby everywhere.” And you go, “Well, your baby is biting my actual baby. Can you control…” And then, eventually, they decide they’re gonna have a kid ’cause they’ve learned so much from the dog, and then they bring the kid back, and the dog runs up, like, “What’s happening? A new person.” And they’re like, “Fuck off. We don’t love you anymore. We’re going.” And they think they’ve learnt something from the dog, and they haven’t learnt anything. What happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the dog dies? You go off, you buy another dog that looks similar to the original dog… try to pass it off as the same dog. What happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the baby dies? Very hard… to get a baby that looks exactly the same in the short period of time that you have. Easier if you’re black or Asian. [Audience cheering] Boston, no! No! No! Shut up! I will not put up with racism at my shows, okay? I’m not saying ’cause they look the same. I’m saying ’cause they’re easier to purchase. [Audience cheering] [Audience whooping] If Angelina Jolie and Madonna have taught us anything… it is that you can buy black and Asian people. I’m yet to see a black celebrity couple come home from Norway with a child, going… “Yolanda, quick, get Hans. Bring him over. Come on.” [Jeffries chuckles]

I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what?
♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪
♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪
♪ And then, uh-oh ♪
Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. – [Audience cheering] – Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.”

Now… after the show, we’re gonna go out, have a big party around Boston, see how it goes. I’m not allowed to go to strip clubs anymore. My girlfriend has said that’s a no… ’cause I don’t behave myself in there, so I’m not allowed to go to them anymore. ‘Cause strip clubs aren’t what women think they are. [Stammers] It used to be like… Okay, so, when a man goes to a strip club, it’s all about girls being as dirty and as horrible to each other as possible. That’s what men want to see. Women, when they go to their Magic Mike clubs or whatever the fuck they are… women wanna see a guy, “Hey, ladies. He’s a fireman.” And he comes out with his hose and like that… And whenever a stripper takes their clothes off, they’ve still got the fireman’s hat on or a tool belt on or policeman’s gun on a holster, right? Because even when a man’s naked, a woman wants to know that he has a job. When men watch strippers, we want them to have a job, and that job’s stripping. We want to just look at that girl dancing and have a hand full of money, and just go… “You can’t take care of your kids.” It’s… And when men get private dances in these strip clubs, I don’t know… I don’t know if women actually know what goes on in those rooms, but basically, it’s dry humping. There’s no dancing. The girl gets in front. She gets where your cock is, pushes it to one side and then she rubs on it… and then she stands over and puts her cunt right in your face, and you go… That’s what a private “dance” is, right? I don’t know if there’s private dancing in female strip clubs. [Stammering] I can’t imagine that there would be. I don’t imagine a woman getting out of a back room and going up to her friend and going… She goes, “How was it?” And she goes, “Well… he just sat me down and then he grabbed my genitals… and then he dragged his scrotum over my forehead. I got to go to the ATM.”

So Legit got canceled. [Audience booing] Yeah. I know. I know it. Who would’ve thought it would’ve struggled on that great FXX channel that everyone knew about? The first season is on Netflix. This special is being recorded for Netflix. So you can go watch it there if you’re watching the special. It was… I’m very proud of it. We had two great seasons of really good television, and if people didn’t… Now… The whole TV show is based around one standup routine that I used to do about having a friend with muscular dystrophy that I took to a brothel, which is a true story. And so, when we cast a character with muscular dystrophy who… In the end, we used DJ Qualls, and DJ Qualls is the skinny white guy out of the movie Road Trip. He’s the skinny white guy out of the movie Hustle & Flow, and he’s the white guy out of the movie Hustle & Flow. Now… the great thing about DJ is… he already looks disabled. He has that “latter stages of AIDS” thing going on. It’s great for casting. Anyway, but… I didn’t want DJ to begin with. I wanted a person with muscular dystrophy to make it look authentic, and the Actors’ Union of America said, “You cannot do that.” Because basically the problem is people with muscular dystrophy, I think, are only allowed to work for two hours a day before they get too tired. And I said, “All right, what other disabilities and diseases are allowed to work longer?” And they sent me a list. And on this list, I said, “Can you get rid of all the contagious ones? And what have we got left?” So I saw every disabled actor in Hollywood, and I’ll be honest with you, not that many of them. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re just lazy. They don’t wanna work. Maybe they give up on their dreams rather quickly. And none of them were very good, either. Everyone we saw, none of them were very good ’cause acting is all about what you do with your hands. None of them knew what to do with their hands, and… they all came in. Until this one guy came in. I had seen a lot of people that day. This guy was the most disabled person I’d ever seen in my life. He was like… Think of the most disabled person you’ve seen, then double it. …really super disabled. He was shaped like a pretzel. He was being carried in by this big Russian nurse, carried him in. He made that great disabled sound of… [Groans] That one. I just loved him. Anyway… so he comes in for the audition… and I’m sitting there, and we’re doing the lines together, and at first, I didn’t know if he was mentally all there either, so I was being a little bit patronizing. I was going, “Thank you so much for coming in.” And then we did the dialog together, and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. This kid was funny. He was smart. His timing was impeccable. I thought he was just great, and I helped him out of the room, and I come back to the director and I said, “That’s our guy. That’s who we gotta pick.” And he agreed, but we had to see everyone else who was still in the waiting room. So the next bloke wheels himself in. Now, obviously, he’s just a paraplegic if he’s wheeling himself in, which means the waist down, and that didn’t really suit me because… paraplegics can get themselves to a hooker without my assistance. But I thought… “If he’s a good enough actor, maybe he can quad-up for the role.” So he comes in… He comes in, I shake his hand, and his leg slightly comes out at the same time. And I went, “Whoa! What’s going on there, kicky?” And he goes… “Oh, you got me! I’m not disabled.” And I said, “You’re fucking what now?” And he goes, “I’m not disabled. I just really wanted the role, so I rented a wheelchair.” And I said, “Just shut up. So let me… This is how your day has mapped-out thus far. You woke up this morning. You drove to the wheelchair rental place. You rented a wheelchair. You carried it out, I assume. You put it in the trunk of your car. You drove here. You got the wheelchair out. You carried it up three flights of stairs. You went to the waiting room. You put it down next to the severely disabled man and his nurse. Then you sat in it and practiced your lines.” And he went… “Yeah.” And I said, “You’re a fucking asshole, mate. Get the fuck out of here.” And I kicked him out. And later on that day, I’m sitting there with all the headshots of all the different actors I’m gonna call to tell them they’ve got parts, and I’m holding this disabled guy’s headshot, and I just think, “I’m gonna call this guy up. I’m gonna change his life. This is an awesome moment, right?” And I’m looking at it, and he looks super handsome in his headshot. He looked really like… And I thought, “This has gotta be the greatest photographer with the fastest shutter in camera history.” The shutter on his camera has gotta be like… [Mimicking camera shutter] Like… [Audience applauding] And then I read the guy’s biography… and then it dawned on me. “This guy’s not disabled either! I hated the other fucker for renting a wheelchair! This cunt rented a nurse!” Do you wanna know the level of fucking psychosis you have to go through to rent a fucking nurse? I’m all for a method actor. Get into character three hours before, but once you finish the audition, stand up and go, “Ta-da!” And we would have gone, “That was very good.” But I’ll tell you what you don’t do. Don’t make me carry you to your car! I carried him down three flights of stairs going, “You did very good.” He’s like, “Thank you, Jim.” [Laughing]

[Chuckles] I was, uh… I go to a therapist… ’cause I get depressed. So I got a therapist every now and again. I literally had one of those moments with my therapist where she was saying words like, “I’m gonna say a word and you say the first thing that comes in your mind.” Like just out of the movies, right? And she went, “Red,” and I went, “Blue.” And then she went, “Cooking,” and I went, “Food,” and all that type of stuff. We went like this forever. And then she went… For the last question, she went, “And what’s your favorite thing in the world?” And I went… “Coming on a girl’s face.” Now… Now, I could’ve said things like… “Ice cream” is a good answer. “Hank” would’ve been an excellent answer. But I said, “Coming on a girl’s face.” And I’ve had six months to think about my answer, and I stand by it. – I… – [Cheering] I’m not proud of it. I hate myself for thinking it. It’s such a horrible thing to do to another human. When a girl’s on her knees and you… It’s so… And as an atheist, I believe in Darwin and all the things that he wrote, but he never had a bit where he explained that. There was never a bit in his book where he went, “When a caveman loves a cavewoman, he’ll ejaculate on her face so that flies won’t come near.” There was never that… never that moment. But, by golly, if it’s not fun. I find it… To… Look, to all the girls who take a load on their face from time to time, may I say, “Bravo!” Don’t… don’t think what you do… has gone unnoticed. We notice. We appreciate your work. I think you deserve a parade of some kind. During Memorial Day, after the Vietnam vets, before the First Gulf War guys, we could bring in, “And here’s the women who take a load on their face.” And you could march out, and married men would stand there going, “God bless you, ladies.” [Audience cheering] I enjoy your acting that you do. The standard tongue out and the… Like that… I don’t know why, but I enjoy… I know it’s a lie. I know you’re not excited, but I still appreciate the effort is what I enjoy. I love the look because it’s such a, “Oh, jeez, I’m excited, too. When this come hits my face, there’s a good chance I’ll also orgasm. Anything could happen in this crazy world.” But this is what redeems us as men. This is what redeems us. Just know that the second the come shoots out of our cock and hits your face, our bodies flood with remorse. The next 20 seconds is the nicest we will ever be to you. [Men whooping] I go from being an animal to the sweetest guy on Earth. I’m like, “You fucking slut… Oh, I love you. Ah… Uh, all right. No, no, no. Put your tongue back in. Um… Keep your eyes shut. Just keep them shut. Uh… All right, I’m going to get a towel. I’ll get a towel. I’ll get you a towel. All right. You’re a wonderful mother to our child.” [Laughs] [Audience cheering] See… this is what kills me. My son will one day watch this DVD. And I’m the guy who’s meant to teach him right from wrong, and I’m there wiping come off his mother’s face.

I think I did something illegal with my son the other day. I think it might be illegal. Tell me if this is illegal. All right? I’m in the shower. My girlfriend goes off to the gym in the morning, and when she came back, I was in the shower, and Hank ran up, and he started banging on the glass door of the shower like, “Argh!” Like that. And I went… [Vocalizing] And I saw his little face and I went, “Hello, Hankie.” And then in the condensation, I drew a little bowtie on him… and a little suit… and then I gave him a voice bubble that said, “I love my daddy. Love, Hank.” But I did it so I could read it. Well, of course he could read the “K,” and… then I stepped out. I stepped out of the bathroom and I went, “G’day, Hankie!” And he slapped my cock and he ran off. Now, is that illegal? I don’t know. Is it illegal because, A, a child touched my cock, or because, B, I found it really funny and I’ve been telling everyone. And I can’t get angry at him because his whole life, he’s been lying on mats with things dangling over. He’s been training for this his entire life.

I think I’ve, uh… I think I’ve become American, more American than I am Australian lately, and there was a moment where I tipped over where I went, “Oh, I think like an American person now.” And I’m happy to do it. I just… I’ll tell you what happened. I was flying around… I was doing a tour of Australia, and I was flying domestically around Australia, and I’m so used to airports and stuff here in America that… Okay, what happens is, when you go… I was flying Sydney to Melbourne. When you fly domestically in Australia, you go up to the machine, put your name in, prints your ticket out, it prints your bag thing, you put the bag thing on your bag yourself, and then there’s a conveyor belt underneath. You throw your bag on. Bag fucks off. You don’t speak to anyone. Then I go up to the gate bit, and the lady’s going, “Tickets, please.” And I’m holding my ID out like a fucking simpleton. ‘Cause I get through airports quick, man. I’m like, “Fucking there you go.” And she went, “Put your ID away. I don’t need to see that.” And I went… “I think you do.” And she went, “I don’t… Why would I need to see your ID?” And I said, “I might be a terrorist.” And she went, “Would showing me your ID stop you from blowing the plane up?” “No, I’d probably still blow the plane up.” So then I get up to the TSA conveyor belt thing, and I’m so good at the airports. I’m already taking my shoes off as I’m walking, right? And all the Australians behind me assume that I’m American, and they’re losing their fucking shit. They’re like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! One of these cunts, eh?” And the TSA guy goes, “Hey, mate, what are you taking your shoes off for?” And I went… [Shouting] “I don’t know! Maybe they’re bombs?” And he went… “But they’re not, are they?” I put me shoes back on. I get my laptop out. Everyone’s going mental. And the TSA guy says, very politely, but extraordinarily sarcastically, he goes, “Jeez, mate. That’s a nice computer. Why are you showing it to everyone?” “It might also be a bomb.” And then the guy said the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth ever. He went… “Oh, come on, mate. You wouldn’t have two bombs.” [Audience laughing] [Chuckles] I’m not even quite sure what that means, but it does make some type of sense.

All right. Oscar Pistorius. If you haven’t been following the case, you’re missing out. This is the greatest thing since OJ Simpson. You’re fucking missing out, mate. If you don’t know who Oscar Pistorius is, let me fill you in. Oscar Pistorius is a legless man from South Africa, known as the Blade Runner. He ran in two Olympics, the disabled and the able-bodied Olympics in one year. No one has ever done that. He’s an inspiration to hundreds and millions of disabled and able-bodied people alike, and on Valentine’s Day last year, he shot and killed the hottest girl on Earth… and that’s when he became an inspiration to me… ’cause hot girls have been getting away with too much shit for too fucking long. Let that be a lesson to all you hot girls out there. You can’t just say whatever the fuck you want whenever you fucking want. [Mock tearfully] People have feelings, you cunts. Now, there’s a lot of rumors going around on what happened on that day. One of the theories is that they found in her phone… He went through her phone, and on her phone, he found some text messages from a South African rugby player on Valentine’s Day, right? Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to South Africa, but in South Africa, rugby is more popular than legless running. It goes, rugby, legless running, cricket. Legless running’s their second sport. You wouldn’t have thought that. Anyway… I’m going to reenact what I believe happened that day. To do that, I will now be doing a South African accent. Now I know, many of you can’t tell the difference between my accent and a South African accent. Here’s the difference. Picture my accent, but I’m punching a black person. What I’m trying to say is South Africans are horrible people. So… she’s coming out of the shower. She’s been drying her hair. She’s listening to Rodriguez or something. She comes out. He’s laying on the bed. He looks up at her, he’s holding the phone, and he goes, [In South African accent] “What the fuck is this? I’ve been through your phone. You have been texting a rugby player.” And she’s like, “Oh! Fuck you! Who the fuck do you think you are?” “Who am I? I’m Oscar Pistorius, the greatest legless runner that has ever been. That’s who the fuck I am.” “Well, I would rather be with a rugby player. At least he is a whole man, not a three-quarter man like you.” – [Audience exclaiming] – I know. [Audience laughing] “Oh! Fuck you!” “No! Fuck you! I’m leaving you!” And then she storms out of the room, and then he was like… “You fucking bitch! [Grunts] I hate you! [Grunting] You will rue the day… that you left Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner! Don’t go anywhere! [Grunting] I hate you!” That’s where he keeps his legs. All right. Then he put the blades on. “Oh, you’re in trouble, missy. I tell you. I go to my gun safe.” She locked herself in the bathroom. He shot her through the bathroom door. Seems like overkill, doesn’t it? Bathrooms only have little tiny locks on them, but Oscar’s one of the few men on Earth that couldn’t kick the door in, right? He was wearing the blades, so… Boing! Ah! So… I think Oscar will probably go to prison. Now… in South Africa, one in four people have AIDS. I assume it may even be worse in the prison population. Now, can I say this? Look… I’ve never raped a man. I hate that I have to put “a man” in that sentence, but whatever. I’ve never raped a man, but… if I was going to rape a man, it would be a legless Olympian… ’cause in prison, it’s all about getting one up on other people, and making people think you’re tough and all that. Like, “You want to fucking rape me? I just raped an Olympian, bitch. Is that what you fucking want?” There’d be a wonderful moment… when you’re in the showers and he was crawling away like the end of a Terminator movie. [Chuckling] You know what I like about that joke? So often when you tell a joke, the rapist is the villain in the story, but not in that one. Not in that one. He’s the hero.

All right, we have to get going soon. Before I leave, – I thank you very much for coming. – [Audience groaning] No, I said, “soon,” not “over.” It’s just soon, you cunts, so calm down. [Chuckles] [Man whistles] I always… I always find that weird when someone, like, whistles like that. What do they think is going to happen? Like, I’m going to go, “Fucking you know me, mate. I was enjoying claps and cheers, but what I needed was a high-pitched squeal noise. Thank God you came along to pick up my spirits.” [Man] Love you! All right, final story. Now, I was in South Africa again. Jeez, I don’t think I’ll be working in South Africa after this special comes out. I used to do, like, one tour in South Africa every year, and I just don’t know if I’ll be invited this time. They’ll be like, [In South African accent] “We don’t like him. He’s no good.” Anyway, so, I’m in South Africa, and I had to fly back from Cape Town to Los Angeles, which is, like, a 26-hour flight. You’ve to go up to London and go across. Cunt of a trip. Um… But it was all right ’cause I had a business class ticket, so I didn’t give a fuck. And when I travel economy, I try to dress up nice ’cause I like to look good in case someone recognizes me and I might get an upgrade. But when I’ve already got a business class ticket, I try to look like a bag of shit… ’cause it’s important to me that everyone else in business class doesn’t want me there and they’re annoyed by my presence. So… I’m wearing a white T-shirt that’s got brown stains on it with a hole in the side. I’m wearing these small shorts with just one testicle hanging out. So, anyway, I go up to the counter, up to the business thing with the thing, and I go, “Hello,” and the lady goes, [In South African accent] “Oh, Mr. Jefferies, I’m so sorry, but you have been downgraded.” I said, “You what now?” She goes, “Business class is full. You have been downgraded.” And I said, “I understand that business class is full. I bought one of the tickets that made it full.” And she went, “I’m sorry, sir. There’s nothing I can do.” And then I just went, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Now, you know when you’re dealing with customer service people, and they want you to swear, ’cause as soon as you swear, they don’t have to engage with you anymore. They can act like they’re the first adult never to hear a swear word, and they can get really offended, right? So I went, “Are you fucking kidding me?” And she went, “Please do not speak to me that way! I have done nothing wrong!” And I said, “Are you, a white South African, telling me you’ve done nothing wrong?” Anyway… tensions rose. The manager comes over. Big fat cunt called Simon Fulcher, right? He walks over and goes, [In South African accent] “What is wrong here? What is wrong?” And I said, “I bought a business class ticket and I want a business class ticket.” And he goes, “What do you want me to do? Make a new chair for you? There are no more seats. I can’t do anything.” He goes, “I’ll tell you what I can do. Go up to the executive lounge. Have some peanuts. Enjoy a beverage. Listen to Rodriguez, and if something opens up, we will move you back up to business class. So I thought, “There’s nothing I can do.” So I walk off with my ticket. I’m walking through the airport like, “Fucking British Airways, bunch of fucking cunts.” Right? I get up to the counter. And the woman behind the counter said, “Tickets, please.” And I hand over my ticket and she goes, [In South African accent] “I’m sorry, sir, but this is for business class passengers only. Your ticket says ‘economy’ on it.” And I said… [Inhales sharply] “I bought a business class ticket, but you people have downgraded…” And as I was doing my little speech, she looked past me and went, “Next.” [Audience exclaiming] “Listen here, you fucking cunt.” [Audience laughing] All right? Now, you say “cunt” in any foreign country, people lose their fucking shit. Security came from everywhere. I was going, “Don’t you fucking come near me, cunt!” And I said, “I want to speak to Simon Fulcher,” like I’m… And they go, “All right.” They ring the manager up, and then they go… He goes, “Is it the pale Australian man?” And the guy went, “Yes.” He goes, “We’ve had problems with him. Let him through.” Right? So I go through. I’m sitting there, I’m eating my peanuts. And I’m just angry now, going, “Fucking British Airways. Fucking cunts, fucking…” Like that. And in walks in a group of Americans, about 30 of them. You know the type, right? They all… And whenever I see Americans abroad… I’ll do my impersonation of any American abroad. When Americans are abroad, you’re just pointing out shit you see. You’re just walking around going, [In American accent] “Oh, this is great! Look at that. That’s a chair right there. Okay. Oh, what’s that over there? Okay. Wonderful. Great.” Right? And this group walked in, and one of the women in the group went like this, she went, [In American accent] “Did anyone else see that Australian guy speaking to that lady out there? Some people have no class.” And I put my head around the pylon, and I went, “You can fuck off and all! You don’t know what I’ve been through! I’ve been downgraded!” And as I said that, 18 other people who were given the same lie that I was given, that they were going to be the next people promoted up to business class, the penny dropped. None of us are getting promoted. They all lied to us, and we formed an angry militia in seconds. It was like a scene out of Braveheart, and they all stood up and went, “Fucking downgraded!” And the woman in the group was doing this, “Don’t speak to me that way. Who the hell do you think you are?” And all the men in the group were like, “Hey, why don’t you shut the fuck up? Just shut the fuck up.” ♪ It doesn’t matter These people seem very angry, so ♪ And a guy breaks from the group and he tries to calm everyone down. And, sometimes, Americans, sometimes, you can seem a little insincere. And he came up and he went, [In American accent] “Hey. Hey. Yeah, I get it. [Exhales sharply] Downgraded, yeah. That really grinds my gears, I tell you that. Yeah, I would write a strongly-worded letter. I really would.” And then I thought, at least this guy’s being nice, and I said, “Look, mate, don’t worry about it. It’s not like it’s your fault.” And I said, “Why are you in such a big group anyway?” And he goes, “Oh, we’re in Neil Diamond’s band. That’s Neil Diamond’s backup singer you just called a cunt there.” And as he said that, Neil Diamond walked around the corner like a fucking superhero… and I reacted like he was one. I went, “Neil Diamond!” And Neil Diamond went, [In husky voice] “Hey, what’s going on?” And then, for a second there, there was a bit of my brain that thought maybe Neil Diamond could solve problems. And I went, “Neil! Me and all these people, we’ve been downgraded!” And Neil went, “Oh! Oh, right. Uh, well, maybe that’s our fault. We decided to come back a day early.” “You can fuck off and all, Neil Diamond!” And then a fight breaks out amongst the Neil Diamond band and the downgraded. Punches are thrown. Not by me. I don’t know if you have the Internet, but I’m not much of a fighter. I’m an excellent scurrier-awayer. I get down. “Hey, what have you got there? Hiya!” Anyway, the airport police came. Three people were arrested from the downgraded… but three people were arrested from the Neil Diamond band, and that meant that three seats opened up in business class. [Audience cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Good night. Appreciate it. [Audience cheering] [Upbeat music playing] Thank you. Go home. Let’s have a drink. Bye.


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!