What Am I Doing in New Jersey? is the 12th album and sixth HBO special by American comedian George Carlin. It was recorded at the Park Performing Arts Center in Union City, New Jersey for an HBO special and released on August 15, 1988.
George Carlin changes his act by bringing politics into the act, but also talks about the People he can do without, Keeping People Alert, and Cars and Driving part 2.
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Hey I got to go to Jersey. Is there any way you can get out of it? No I don’t think so. I think it has something to do with original sin.
Okay get in. Sorry to do this to you. Why are you going to go to New Jersey? I got to do a show.
What kind of show?
I’m a comedian. 42nd Street man. You know why they call it 42nd Street? Why? Cause that’s about all the amount of time you’ll want to spend on it. 40-seconds. But I kind of like the signs. Yeah they look great. I saw a sign here last week I’d never seen before. “On stage tonight, continuous live adult, nude, all male fucking.”
Huh? You know every time I go through this well-used tunnel I think of my ex-wife.
What do you mean 3 dollars for a round trip?
Nah, she’s from Jersey. Those people know about sex. They came up with those names, Middlesex County, Essex County, Sussex County, Point Pleasant, Long Branch, Cherry Hill, Succasunna, Fort Dix. Jersey’s not so bad. A lot of yuppies live out here.
Yeah? Maybe if we’re lucky most of them will die. Hey man it’s getting late. I hate to tell you this but I think we’re lost. Lost in New Jersey. Let’s get out of here man.
Hey, here’s a place. Pull in over here. I’ll go in and ask directions. While you’re in there ask them about what you think of man’s role in the universe.
Why?
I’m a cab driver, I just want to know.
Excuse me, I got to do a show near by and I need directions, can you help me? Hey you’re George Carlin. Yeah. We’re just getting ready to watch you on TV. Oh great, but look can any of you guys tell me how to get to the Park Theatre? Just one more thing. What do you think about man’s role in the universe?
Okay. What’d they say? They said keep going straight until you come to a turn. No what’d they say about man’s role in the universe?
Oh they said they needed more time to think about it. Okay here. Thanks a lot man. Appreciate it. Hey you want to come in and see the show?
No I think I’ll go back and watch it at Manny’s.
Okay. Just don’t ask them anything too deep.
Hello Union City, New Jersey. Hi everybody. Thank you. I’m Lloyd Lindsey Young. I want to tell you right now we got a wild night. Heavy thunderstorms. Heavy. Heavy. 49 degrees in the breeze and we’re gonna have a lot of fun. Without any further ado it gives me a great deal of pleasure to introduce a gentleman who needs no introduction.
All right. Hey there. Is it going all right? Thank you. Thank you everybody. Hello. Hi ya. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi ya. All right thank you. I appreciate that. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking you for being here and thanking everybody at Manny’s for helping us find our way down here. And I’d like to start. Oh I’m sorry.
Okay. Like to start with a list of people I can do without. I think everybody has a list like this. This is my list of people I can do without.
Guys in… guys in there fifties named Skip.
Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card.
An airline pilot whose wearing two different shoes.
A proctologist with poor depth perception.
A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla.
A gynecologist who wants my wife to have 3 or 4 drinks before the examination.
Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats.
Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 300 times in a 2-minute conversation.
A dentist with blood in his hair.
Any woman whose hobby is breastfeeding zoo animals.
A funeral director who says, “Hope to see you folks again real soon.”
Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast.
A man with only one lip.
A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop.
People who actually know the second verse to the Star Spangled Banner.
Any lawyer who refers to the police as the federalez.
A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin.
A brain surgeon with “Born to Lose” tattooed on his hands.
Guys who have their names printed on their belts.
Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initial.
A man in a hospital gown directing traffic.
A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.
People who have large gums and small teeth.
Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet.
And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch.
Okay that’s enough of that. That’s enough of that. Thank you. All right. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
This a lively group we have here and a good sized audience too. I want to mention that this is probably… I have… I really haven’t seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. Yeah. Yeah. 225 of them so far. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, been arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code. 225 of them and Edwin Meese alone… Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by 3 separate special prosecutors and there’s a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. 3 separate special prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the attorney general. And the attorney general is the nation’s leading law enforcement officer. See that’s what you got to remember this is the Ronald Reagan administration were talking about. These are the law and order people. These are the people who are against street crime. They want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. There against street crime …yeah… there against street crime providing that street isn’t Wall Street.
And the Supreme Court decided about a year ago that it’s all right to put people in jail now if we just think they’re going to commit a crime. It’s called preventive detention. All you got to do now is just think they’re going to commit a crime. Well if we’d of known this shit 7 or 8 years ago we could have put a bunch of these republican motherfuckers directly into prison. Yeah. Put them in the joint where they belong and we could have saved the money of putting these country club pinheaded assholes on trial.
Another thing you’ve got to remember this is the group of people who are elected with the help of the moral majority. Elected with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters Union. That’s a good combination. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America.
Another thing, keep in mind these Reagan people are the ones that were going to get government off our back. Remember that? That was the rhetoric of the 1980 campaign. We’ll get government off your backs and out of your lives. Yeah, but they still want to tell you what magazines you can read and they still want to tell you what rock lyrics you can listen to and they still want to force your kids to pray in school and they still want to tell you what you can say on the radio.
The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only 2 parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the First Amendment to the Constitution. I’d like to repeat that because it sounds vaguely important. The FCC, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only 2 parts of American life not protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well Reverend did anyone ever tell you there are 2 knobs on the radio? 2 knobs on the radio. Of course I’m sure the Reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has 2 knobs on it. But hey Reverend there are 2 knobs on the radio. One of them turns the radio off and the other one changes the station. Imagine that Reverend, you can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library Reverend if you have any of them left when you finish burning all the books.
And I don’t know how you feel about it but I am getting pretty sick and tired of these fucking church people. I have just about had it with these fucking church people, all of them. You know what I say we ought to do with these churches? Tax them. Tax these motherfuckers. If they’re so interested in politics and government policy and public policy let them pay their admission price like everybody else. Tax them. Hey the Catholic Church alone could wipe out the federal budget deficit. If all you did was tax them on their real estate holdings.
And speaking of real estate holdings let’s get back to Ronald Reagan and his criminal gang. When last we left them they were going to get government off our backs. Yeah but when it comes to abortion they don’t mind government being in a woman’s uterus do they? Yeah backs are no good but uterus’ okay by them. These people call themselves right to lifers. Don’t you love that phrase and don’t you love the way these kinds of people pervert the English language, “Right to Lifers.” You realize that most of the Right to Lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty and they support the South American DEATH Squads and they’re against gun control and they’re against nuclear weapons control. When they say right to life their talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die.
[applause]
So these right-wingers you know… so these Reagan people, these right-wingers in general, these cryptofascists there against homosexuality. They’re against pornography. They’re against sex education. They’re against abortion. Yeah they’re going to get government off your back but their going to tell you how to live your sex life and let me ask you this. How would they know anything about it? Have you ever taken a look at those people? No wonder there afraid of their body’s. Take a look at them. Doesn’t it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? Doesn’t that strike you a little strange?
Hey I’m the first one to say it’s a great country but it’s a strange culture. We got a strange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like Bulimia. Got to be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills 400,000 people a year so they ban artificial sweeteners because a rat died. Know what I mean?
This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards but not a list of criminals and maniacs. And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns and their going to keep the fucking real ones!
This is a place where alcohol ruins more lives than cancer and everybody gets upset when some athlete gets hooked on cocaine. You know Time Magazine and Newsweek they put cocaine on the cover but they put the liquor advertisements inside the magazine.
It’s the old American double standard you know, say one thing do something different. And of course the country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, give them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto… you know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give us a color we’ll wipe it out. You got it. So anyway about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified… 80 years later… the slaves are freed. Not so you’d notice it of course just sort of on paper and that was of course during the Civil War.
Now there’s another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve heard one. Civil War. Do you think any country could really have a Civil War? Say pardon me. I’m awfully sorry. I’m awfully sorry. Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years but not so you’d really notice it. Cause we still have these people called Civil War Buffs. People who thought it was a really keen war. And they studied the battles carefully and they try to improve other strategies and the tactics to increase the body count, in case we have to go through it again sometime. In fact some of these people actually get dressed up in uniform once a year and go out and refight these battles. You know what I say. Use live ammunition assholes would you please? You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool.
But what do you expect? Hey, come on, this is a war like country we come from that northern European, basically the northern European genes, the blue eyes. Those blue eyes. Boy everybody in the world learned real quick didn’t they? When those blue eyes sail out of the north you better nail everything down motherfucker. Nail it down. Strap it down or their grab it if they can’t take it home they’ll burn it. If they can’t burn it they’ll fuck it. That’s what happened to us.
And it’s a war like country. Come on I mean forget foreign policy. Even the domestic rhetoric is war like. Everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. We don’t like something in this country we declare war on it. The war on poverty. The war on drugs. The war on crime. The war on AIDS. The war on cancer. We got the only national anthem that mentions fucking rockets and bombs in the goddamn thing. You know what I mean? All right.
Anyway you know. Well that’s enough fantasy stuff let’s get back to the real world. Let’s check on Manny’s and see how these guys are doing. You people all right over there? Everything cool? It’s just like a Giant’s game you know? I think they’ve all been drinking intravenously. They don’t have any rectal drugs do they? That’s going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have… then you can hide them and take them at the same time you know? We’ll have to come up with that.
Anyway. Now we come to the practical portion of our show. This is the practical stuff. This is where I actually give advice. Little tips and hints and suggestions on things that’ll help the quality of life. Little things you can put to work almost immediately. In fact, some of you may be aware of my more famous tips from the past: How to get rid of counterfeit money. Put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us.
Here’s one: How to get out of jury duty. Lots of people try that don’t they? And they do. A lot of them get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie tell the judge the truth. Tell them you’ll make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people just like that. Well today’s suggestions are a little different.
These are just sort of hints on things you can do to keep other people alert during the day when you’re out and about your business. Little ways to keep people on their toes cause people need that. And I’m not talking about your friend so much it’s just the general public. People need a little sort of a mental goose during the day to kind of bring them back to reality you know? There are an awful lot of people walking around not all there. And I don’t mean the helpless or the homeless. I don’t mean people who have been kicked out of Matawan without you know their medications and stuff; I’m talking about fuckers with jobs. There are people walking around with a kind of [noise]. Kind of a neutral zone around their heads. Some people leave part of their brains at home when they come out in the morning. Hey some people don’t have that much to bring out in the first place. So I say there are little things you can do to help keep other people on their toes. Did you ever try backing out of a drive-in bank? That’s the kind of thing I mean. Or just walk up to someone on the street and say, Pardon me I have nothing to say. Someone asks you what time it is say, Well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on. Yeah. Now many of these suggestions… many of these suggestions, which I’m offering, are intended for use on retail clerks because retail clerks seem to need special help. [Noise] Did you ever go into a store and realize immediately that the clerk is running on a lean mixture? The cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago. He’s just a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Here’s one to try. Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift. Well they never seem to have mine. I say, I saw your sign I came in for my gift. Save you the trouble of looking all over for me. Doesn’t impress them but it keeps them on their goddamn toes.
Or else just go running into any quiet little store on a Sunday morning and say, Are you open on Thursday? They’ll say yes. Say, Thank you. And run. Let them figure it out. It’s not your concern.
Stand on line at the bank for a really long time. One of those new kind of lines they have at the bank. The common feeder line. Used to be every teller had his own line, not anymore. Now you think you’re in fucking Disneyland. Stand on line a long time. When you finally get up to the window just ask for change of a nickel. They actually call other tellers over to look at you.
Here’s one. Go into the photographer’s studio in your neighborhood and ask the man if you can buy the pictures of the other people. Say how much for that heavyset couple in the window? Oh they will stare at you a long time on that one. In fact, they might even back up several feet.
This one is my current favorite. Go into the dry cleaners and ask the man if he can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them on another pair of pants. They ought to be able to do that for the same amount of money. While you’re in there ask them if you can get pecker tracks off a wedding gown. That’s the test of a really quality dry cleaner.
Go into a laundry, hand them your shirt and tell them to rotate the buttons.
Go into a gun store, buy a gun and buy some ammunition then ask them if they have any ski masks.
All right. That’s all right. Go into a supermarket. This is a good one for the supermarket. Get your shopping cart in the supermarket and fill it to the top. I mean a huge mound of groceries and then go up to the line and look for somebody with one item and ask them if you can get ahead of them. Do you mind? I’m in a hurry. I only have 1100 items.
Run into a bakery and say, Can you bake a cake in the shape of a penis? They never know they always have to have a meeting. Well I don’t know. Wait a minute now, hold on just a second. Could we have a picture to go by? Well no but I’ll tell you what I’m going do for you lady. Helen? Order more flour Helen.
Next time you’re at a wishing well, doesn’t happen often, next time you’re at a wishing well ask to see the manager. Tell him you’ve been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you give me my money back or I’m shitting in the well.
Here’s one for the baseball park. Baseball Park. You ever notice at the ballgame a lot of guys bring a glove? Fuck that bring a bat. You see a foul ball coming hit back to them. Hit back to them. Yeah. Then stand up and wave at the pitcher. They’ll think you’re a fun fan. They’ll think it’s straightjacket night.
Did you ever notice in some hotels they give you a little sewing kit? You know what I do? I sew the towels together. Sew the sheets to the drapes. Let them know you’ve been there.
Here’s one for the guys. This one is strictly for the guys. Go into a barbershop, tell the man you want to get your pubic hairs streaked. Say, Nothing fancy just frost my bush. They’ll be talking about you for years. The man who had his bush hair sectioned off with aluminum foil. As they try to find a way to fit you under a dryer. You’ll be in the Bush Hall of Fame.
Here’s a good one in the bar. When you’re drinking in the bar. You ever notice in the bar someone always says to you, Hey can I buy you a drink? Say, no thanks but can I have the money instead? Tell him you’re saving up to buy your own goddamn bar.
Now there’s one more area of daily life, which lends itself to keeping people alert and that is when you’re driving. Certainly you’d agree anyone behind the wheel of a car has lots of opportunities to keep people on their toes. And I don’t mean just blowing some guys head off because he cut you off at the red light or something I’m talking about subtle things like putting your car in low gear and following pedestrians into the mall.
There’s been a lot of talk, as you know about this violence on the highways. People shooting each other from their cars. I don’t believe too much in that sort of overt violence. I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car I have one of those diamond shaped yellow signs that says, Armed pit bull with AIDS on board. And I’ll tell you even the jackoffs are leaving me alone.
Here’s a little some fun in the car driving along. Somebody’s driving along next to you in the next lane over there and you say, Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! He pulls over you keep going. Let him park a while and think it over. Hey it’s certainly none of your concern. In fact you don’t want to have anything to do with an asshole like that. That man is liable to kill someone.
Here’s another little practical joke for the driver. When you’re going through the tollbooth—well, not actually through the booth itself. Shit that would be a big practical joke. I mean when you’re going through the little space in between the booths. When you get up there and the guy sticks out his hand bargain with him. Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was free Chevrolet Day. Tell him it’s a used road and you’re looking for a discount. Tell him you got no more money you spent it all on pussy and beer. That will wake him up especially if you’re a woman.
Talking about tollbooths. Talking about tollbooths and paying you’re way. I grew up in this area and I think anyone who’s driven in this area would have to agree with one thing, New Jersey deserves the title, Toll Booth Capital of the United States of America. Huh? Oh yeah. You know because you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some smuck in a hat wants 50 cents. And I don’t mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit. I’d like to give them a blank check when I enter New Jersey and I’ll sign it when I leave and let them fill it out. You know what I mean? Leave me out of it for Christ’s sakes. You can’t make any gas mileage in New Jersey. You’re in a constant state of slowing down. By the time I get to Pennsylvania I need a fucking brake job. So I say let them be honest. Let them put it right on the license plates New Jersey, The Toll Booth State. What does it say now? The Garden State? Sure if you’re growing smoke stacks, yes!
Now don’t get me wrong I got nothing against New Jersey. I love the place. I used to live right across the river from Jersey and I used to wave to the people. They couldn’t see me it’s a mile and half, but fuck’em I waved anyway. Why? Because I’m a caring guy. I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell it says, Kiss her where it smells take her to New Jersey. So I’m a supporter you can hear that in my voice.
Well, I know you can’t please everyone that’s true. Well you see I mentioned the license plates because I’m interested in what different states put on their license plates. Different states choose different little slogans and I sort of keep an eye on that. Like Florida and Georgia put the county in case these people forget where they live overnight. Indiana says, “Wander.” Sure just get out and get hit by a fucking Greyhound bus.
Pennsylvania went cutesy the last time. Pennsylvania’s now says, “You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania.” Well most of the people who read these things live in fucking Pennsylvania! Of course they have a friend or 2 by now! 30 or 40 years you meet someone you know? I just… well.
The most dramatic license plate of all has to be New Hampshire’s, which says, Live free or die! Well I’m certainly not going to move there. I get just a little nervous in any state where they mention death right on the license plates.
On the other hand Idaho says, Famous potatoes. I guess those are the two extremes in thought. It would seem to me that somewhere in between ‘Live free or die’ and ‘Famous potatoes’ the truth lies probably it’s a little closer to famous potatoes. But that’s just one fellow’s opinion.
And as long as were talking about things that belong on the back of the car, things that are there to be read, let’s check our bumper stickers before we go out driving. Let’s make sure we have enough bumper stickers on the car. You wouldn’t want to get out in traffic and not have some reading material for the other drivers. What on earth would people ever do at the red lights if it weren’t for my handy rear bumper mobile library service? And I have so many I always have to check to see which ones are current. Let’s see what I have on here today. Kind of an intellectual bumper sticker. Honk if you’re horn is broken. That ought to hold the average American for about a mile and a half. Here’s a spiritual one. I’ve found him. I have Jesus in the trunk. And of course my favorite bumper sticker. I’d rather be driving. Usually the guy who has that one is wearing a T-shirt that says, Same shit different day. What else do we see on the backs of these cars? I love my German shepherd. I love your wife.
And of course a humorous license plate frame. You wouldn’t want to wonder too far from home without a humorous license plate frame. Mine says, My other car is a piece of shit too.
And let’s not forget the 3 most puke inducing words that man has yet thought of, baby on board. I don’t know what valueless, soulless, yuppie cock sucker thought of that idea. No idea who. Baby on board. Who gives a fuck? I certainly don’t. You know what these morons are actually telling us don’t you? I know you’ve figured this out. They’re actually saying to us, we know you’re a shitty driver most of the time but because our child is near by we expect you to straighten up for a little while. Fuck these people. I run them into a goddamn utility pole. Right into a pole huh? Roll that car over. Bounce that kid around a little bit. Let him grow up with a sense of reality for Christ’s sakes. Life doesn’t change because you post a sign. I’m supposed to alter my driving habits because some woman forgot to put her diaphragm in, isn’t that really nice? Isn’t that a real treat for me? Baby on board. Child in car. Don’t tell me your troubles lady.
Why don’t you put up an honest sign? Asshole at the wheel! Asshole at the wheel. They don’t sell many of them do they? No. They give them away free with Volvo’s and Audi’s. God help us. And Saab’s. Some of these misfits buy Saab’s. We bought a Saab. Well what’d you buy a Swedish piece of shit like that for? It’s a safe car. These people think if they buy a safe car it excuses them for the responsibility of having to learn how to drive the fucking things. First you learn to drive then you buy you’re goddamn safe car.
Well I get pissed. Goddamn it I get pissed. You know there’s a lot… there’s a lot of shit you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like red lights. When did this bullshit start? I only noticed them about a month ago myself. And I’ll be honest with you I don’t stop for them anymore. I did for about a week didn’t like it. Fuck’em. I’m gone. I got no time to sit there jacking around listening to the news. You know my motto in traffic, cop didn’t see it, I didn’t do it. I’m gone. Hey I haven’t hit anybody yet. Haven’t hit anybody. I’ve had a few people behind me hit each other but hey. That’s not me that’s back there. Me… I’m gone and I’m getting a whole lot better mileage. Especially in town. Goddamn them sidewalks come in handy don’t they?
But what are they going to do if they catch me, give me a ticket? You know that’s the big fear in some people’s lives. Ain’t this a bitch might get a ticket. You know how to handle a ticket by now don’t you? You got to be firm with the policeman. Be firm with that policeman. Policemen respect strength. While he’s writing out the ticket you got a flash him a whole lot of bad looks. Then when he’s almost finished writing reach over and grab the ticket out of his hand. Tell him you’re going to check it over for mistakes. Then when you’re finished reading it crumble it up and throw it at his feet and say, Fuck you and you’re ticket too! You asshole in a hat. Can’t you see I have enough garbage on the floor of my car already without another worthless piece of paper from the state? I got 8 or 9 of them fuckin’ things floating around in here. Hey. Don’t I pay your salary? They like that when you’re interested in the state budget. You’re a public servant; get me a glass of water. You pinheaded prick you’re holding me up Jack. People are waiting for me at a party. I got a trunk full of heroin get the fuck out of my way will ya?
Tell him it’s your car. Tell him it’s your car and you do what you goddamn want with it. Say I own this car. My name is on the pink slip. I do what I what and I own the highway too that my taxes pay for that. There both mine. I own the highway and I own the car. I own everything goddamn it. He’ll be glad to hear that shit. That’s what they like, people who know their rights. That way they don’t have to read them to you on the way downtown to the maximum security penitentiary where you’ll spend the rest of your life with no conjugal visits except from some big guy you don’t want one from.
Well I get pissed goddamn it. There’s a lot of shit you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like these jogger assholes. I’ve killed 3 of the motherfuckers myself. 3. I have killed 3 jogger assholes. Out. I’d have more… I’d have a few more but I don’t always kill them. Sometimes I just toy with them you know? I pull up in my car and with my right front tire I pull a sneaker off their heel. Of course he can’t hear me coming because he has on his Walkman. I’m wearing my Walkman today. I’m cutting the world out. Bullshit you are asshole. They think they’re going to live longer by jogging. Not if they get near my fucking machine they’re not. You’re going away. It’s Michelin on Nike time.
I don’t know which is worse, the jogger assholes or the bicycle riding creeps. These faggots on their bicycles and they got special little hats you know. They have special little hats to protect their special little heads. And they all try to act grown up. These bicycle people try to act mature because they know basically they’re dealing with a toy. So they try to act grown up by giving hand signals. That makes them feel adult. They give hand signals. He’s going to tell me where’s he’s going. I’ll tell you where you’re going; you’re going 30 feet up in the fucking air is where you’re going. Back on the sidewalk with the rest of the children. Didn’t you’re mother tell you to keep your toys in the yard.
Well, I get pissed goddamn it! There’s a lot of shit you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like the other cars. Have you noticed that hazard? Thousands of these other cars many of them with people who have licenses apparently and they get you so fucking pissed off. Some of these people in their cars they get you so fucking pissed off. You get so fucking pissed off you know what I mean? Did you ever get so fucking pissed off that you forgot where you’re going? Because you got behind someone who isn’t going anywhere either. A man with no destination at all. And I say, Step on all the pedals maybe one of the means go!
Awe they get you pissed. I don’t know where they come from but I believe… I believe there’s an automotive harassment squad that is notified when I leave the house. All right he’s leaving now. Everyone in position. And they’re laying for me all along my route. Here’s a guy making a U-turn in reverse. Here’s a woman backing out of a bush. And each of them has a special talent. Each driver has one thing he does for you. First of all there’s the guy whose turn signal has been on since 1955. Then there’s his opposite. That’s the guy who doesn’t put his turn signal on until he’s finished the turn. He’s going to tell you where he was. And there’s the guy behind you at night who’s bright’s are on. He has his bright’s on in case you want to read. Well I just happen to have a copy of Ivanhoe with me.
Oh don’t they get you pissed off? Don’t they just get you so goddamned mad sometimes when you’re out there. Some of them especially. Here’s one you know. Here’s a feeling you’ll recognize immediately. You ever been behind somebody on like a two lane road or something, somebody you cannot get around, you’ve been behind them already for like 18 minutes and you want to get some where and he’s not moving all? And did you ever get so pissed off that all you want to do now is catch up with him to see what the fuck he looks like? You know that feeling? But I just want to see this cock sucker’s face. Look he looks exactly like I thought he would. Constipated!
Cars to watch out for. First cars, any car where the driver is also on the phone. Technology has brought us these self-important twits. You know if phones were invisible these guys wouldn’t own them. The whole idea is for you to see the phone so you’ll know he’s a busy guy. I’m a busy guy. He’s reaching out that’s what he’d tell you. I’m reaching out. Well, reach out and jerk me off.
Cars to watch out for. People who don’t know how wide there cars are. Only been driving the goddamn thing for 4 years. Don’t know where it fits yet. Well I don’t know if I can fit in there. You could get the fucking Romanian Army in there!
Car to watch out for. Any car with more than 3 people in it wearing neck braces.
Cars where the driver is also conducting a personal sightseeing tour for the rest of his passengers. There’s a lot of this going on. Hey lady.
Guys in vans. I don’t understand these vans, what’s all the extra space for? They’re never hauling anything. You want to haul lumber rent a truck. You want to get laid go to motel like an Evangelist would for God’s sakes. Use you’re brains a little.
Then there’s these people who want you to go ahead of them. This courtesy bullshit that’s going around. See I don’t think it’s real courtesy that’s why I don’t like it. It’s a bogus. It’s a counterfeit generosity. Everybody wants me to go first. You go… go ahead… please… go… go. Even when I leave the house in the morning there’s a guy there at 7 a.m. Waiting for me. I’m waiting for you come out so you can go first… go ahead… go on. I think it’s a post-Vietnam guilt syndrome of some kind. You know America has lost its soul so now it’s going to save its body. It’s like the fitness craze in this country well [noise] doesn’t work that way you know what I mean? Doesn’t work that way and I’m sitting in the driveway. I know I’m sitting there, I’m stuck. It looks like I’m stuck but I’m not asking for any help. I’m not asking for anything just sitting there and some yo-yo, some putts, some, some world class high-tech, state-of-the-art yo-yo who hasn’t had a generous thought since St Swithin’s Day slams on his brakes, kills 3 people behind him and doesn’t ask me to go, tells me to go. You, go! Fuck you! You go! I like it here! I come here all the time. You go. Then when he goes– crash into him. And if he gets out to complain say, Hey you said to go.
All right that’s enough of that for the moment huh? I’ve got to take a breather. Thank you.
I guess you noticed tonight while we’ve been doing our show we’ve also been electing a pope. And I… ever since I was a little kid, you know when you elect a new pope he chooses a new name for himself and ever since I was a little kid you know what I was hoping? I’m hoping that someday a pope will choose the name Corky. I just want to see Pope Corky the 23rd you know? I think you’d have to skip right to 23 to give him a little creditability. Some how Pope Corky the 1 st doesn’t make it does it? Names interest me. As some of you will be going out of here tonight you might wind up in some of these places which names I haven’t yet figured out who’s in charge. Single’s bars. Have you noticed that single’s bars all seem to think they have to have cute little names that end in ‘S.’ Scamps, Tramps, Chats, Rumors, Cahoots, Bingles, Buckles, Bangles, Jungles, Bongos. I’d like to have a singles bar and call it Nipples and Dicks. A little truth in advertising. The Sperm Club. Snatch ‘O Rama. Frankie’s Fuckery. The Crotchiteria. Café Vagina, Open All Night.
Thank you all very much. Have a good time. Good night Kelly. Good night Kelly. See you all later. Thank you appreciate it.
