GEORGE CARLIN: CARLIN ON CAMPUS (1984) – Full Transcript

Full transcript of 'Carlin on Campus', 10th album and fourth HBO special by American comedian George Carlin recorded April 18–19, 1984

[School bell] Welcome to the home of the class clown, the theater of suppressed laughter. When you were in school, did you notice that simply because you weren’t allowed to laugh, it made the laughing that much better. That there was something about trying to hold it in that made you laugh even harder. And it wasn’t just in school, church was the same way. In fact, church was even better because in church, there was the additional possibility of perhaps being stricken dead by an angry God. Well, Catholic schools combined the two things, religion and the classroom, an extra challenge for the resourceful class clown. Now, class clowns probably had a lot of reasons for doing what they did, but for my part, I always enjoyed getting laughs because usually the person who laughed was the one who got in trouble. I could whip a quick face on Roger, hey Roger, and then Roger would be suddenly leaving the classroom, accused of having no self-control. Hey, I figured if I’m not gonna get an education, why should anybody else. Probably the best attention getter of all was the old reliable artificial fart under the arm. It wasn’t really a special skill, lots of people could do it, but class clowns could do it a little quicker, and a little louder. And who else but the class clown would have his shirt specially made for easy access. No fumbling, no missed opportunities, just reach in and squeeze off a few. I don’t care, I’m glad she kicked me out, I didn’t wanna be in there anyway. Now I can go where I always wanted to go, where I really belong. Hey there, how are you? Howdy. Thank you very much. How are you? Hello, over there, everybody. Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy. Nice to see you all. Hello. Hello there, thank you, thank you. Nice of you. Thanks a lot, thank you. Seem like you’re ready for some fun. Yeah. Well, you know, they say blondes have more fun. Unfortunately, they also have more VD. Just kind of goes with the territory, you know? I’ll tell you something else, between herpes and AIDS, I don’t care if I ever get laid again as long as I live. And I’m certainly not gonna be humping any Haitian hemophiliac homosexual heroin addicts. Tell you one good thing about herpes though, finally the people from Brooklyn have a disease they can mispronounce. Herpes. That’s the first one they’ve had like that since, uh, tuberculosis. They gave me something here to, uh, bring to your attention. This is, oh, I see, a message from the National Pancake Institute, and it says, “fuck waffles.” Something you might wanna keep in mind when you drop into Denny’s a little later in the evening.

Actually, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d like to begin the show with a prayer. Uh, I’m not too sure about prayer in school, but I definitely believe in prayer in comedy. Some nights it’s absolutely necessary. So this is a little prayer I wrote myself. I don’t mean I wrote it to myself, I mean me, myself personally, I wrote the goddamn prayer. And it’s dedicated to the separation of church and state. “Our Father who art in heaven, and to the Republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible, as it is in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. And crown thy good into temptation, but deliver us from the twilight, amen.” Just a little way to start. I don’t believe you’re supposed to cheer a prayer, but we do still have time for a quick Hail Mary. Hail Mary! Not quite that quick, sir. Those of you who are Catholic will recognize the quick Hail Mary. “Hail Mary full of our death, amen.” Actually, there’s a quicker version… “H-amen.” That’s the one you say when you’re falling from a truck. And now, God, my requests, I always save my requests for after the formal prayers, don’t you? Sets him up. Please God, let me do a good show tonight. Don’t let me be an asshole. Don’t let anyone yell, too late… Too late. – And punish those who do. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room, don’t let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a French tickler and a space helmet, don’t let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus, and don’t let me be hit by a flying turd. Help me find some shoes I really like, help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. Don’t let me catch VD from a female welder, don’t let me catch VD from a male welder. Give Barry Manilow a boil on his ass. And if it’s at all possible, God, please try to make all of our sex organs even larger than you did the first time. Well, I always like to throw in one request that everyone else can get in on, too, you know? So I say live and let live, that’s my motto, live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. Just had, uh, just, you know, it’s weird, just had that little feeling, you ever get that funny little, that kind of feeling, that vuja de? You know, not deja vu, this is vuja de. This is the strange feeling that somehow none of this has ever happened before. And then it’s gone, you know? By the way, ladies and gentlemen, this is our 200th show in a series of 114, and is dedicated to the St. Louis Home For The Totally Fucked. All proceeds from the show will be going to help fight a terrible affliction, frothing at the crotch. Well, it was either that or inverted nipples, you know? Let me ask you a personal question, have you ever tried to fart and blow your nose at the same time? You can’t do them together, can you? It’s like you’re afraid you’ll lose complete control and wind up cleaning far more of the house than you had intended.

Yeah, I got little things over here. This is my office over here. You notice that? It’s gotta be my office, right? Sure, if that’s my job, it’s gotta be my office. Looks like a office to me. Got the water cooler here. That’s the first thing I always looked for when I worked in an office, you know, the water cooler, little place to hang out in between periods of making believe I was working. Actually, it’s just a little place for my stuff, you gotta have that, you gotta have a little place to put your stuff during the day, during the evening, whatever it is, don’t ya? Sure. Everybody’s gotta have a little place for their stuff, that’s all life is about. That’s the meaning of life, trying to find a place to keep your stuff. That’s all your house is, think of it, that’s all your house is, it’s a place to keep your stuff. If you didn’t have so much goddamn stuff, you wouldn’t need a house. You could just walk around all the time. That’s all your house is, it’s a pile of stuff with a cover on it. That’s all your house is, it’s a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. Sometimes you gotta move, sometimes you gotta move, you gotta get a bigger house. Why? Too much stuff. Now, sometimes you go on vacation, you gotta bring some of your stuff with you. You can’t take all your stuff, just the stuff you really like, the stuff that fits you good that month. You gotta take a smaller version of your stuff. Say you’re gonna go to Honolulu for two weeks, two weeks in Honolulu, you gotta take two big bags of stuff. You get to Honolulu, you fly halfway across an ocean, and you get to Honolulu, get in the hotel room and you put away your stuff, that’s the first thing you do in a hotel room is put away your stuff. I’ll put some stuff here, I’ll put some stuff there, you put your stuff over there, I’ll put my stuff over here. Here’s another place to put some stuff. Here’s another place over here. Hey, we got more places than we got stuff. We’re gonna have to buy more stuff. But you put your stuff away, and you know that you’re a long way from home, and you don’t quite feel 100 percent at home, but you know that you must be okay because you do have some of your stuff with you. And you begin to relax, you know, I feel okay, hey. That’s when your friend from Maui calls up, says hey, why don’t you come over to Maui for the weekend, spend a couple of nights over here. Oh, shit, now what do I bring? Can’t bring all this stuff. Right, you’ve gotta bring an even smaller version of your stuff, just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui. And you go over to Maui, and you’re really spread out now, you’ve got shit all over the world. You’ve got stuff in the mainland, stuff in Honolulu, you got stuff with you, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. But you get over there to Maui and they give you a little place to sleep, you know, a little window sill and you put your stuff, because you don’t have much stuff now, on the window sill. You put your favorite stuff, your jumbo size Visine, your trim nail clippers, your odor eaters 45-day guarantee, and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray. And you begin to relax, you know? That’s when your friend says, hey, I think tonight we’ll go over to the other side of the island, visit my friend, maybe stay over. Oh, shit. Now what do you bring? Well, now you just bring the things you know you’re gonna need: Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hankie, pens, cigarettes, contraceptives, Vaseline, whips, chains, whistles, dildoes and a book. Maybe a little dental floss, depending on who’s on the other side of the island.

It’s-no-bullshit. The Curran Family of Boston, Massachusetts had to leave their dog, Ma Barker, behind when they moved across the country to Seattle. Two weeks after they arrived at their new home, the dog showed up in Dallas, Texas. By mistake, she had taken Interstate 44 out of St. Louis. It’s-no-bullshit. In Alton, Illinois, a farmer named Cliff Miller found an ear of corn with a hearing aid growing out of it. It’s-no-bullshit. The Zomoro Tribe in Central Africa is slowly dying out because at 13 years of age, they initiate their young by putting them to death. It’s-no-bullshit. Empress Minutia of Ancient Sumetria ruled for 71 years without once going to the bathroom. She believed the devil lived in the toilet. It’s amazing, it’s astounding, but it’s-no-bullshit. Sure, sure, what are you crazy, hey, get out of here. Sometimes I go like this. And then I wonder why. Have you noticed that mice have no shoulders at all? You put a necklace on a mouse, it goes right down to his waist. They think it’s a belt, what do they know, they’re fucking mice, you know?

Have you ever owned one of those little dogs, you know? One of those over-bred dogs. One of those dogs that just shakes and pisses all the time? And you have to take him out for a pull, come on, you, come on, you asshole. Those little dogs, you know what they do? Just before they take a shit they go like this. I get out of the way, you know, whoa, look out. Get behind a tree, hold the leash, you know? I had a little dog named Tippy who, uh… well, it’s just one of the dogs I had in my life. That’s what’s great about dogs, they don’t live too long and you can go and get another one. But Tippy was great and so nice, and one time, one time I fed Tippy Cracker Jacks, cause that’s what I was having. Hey, it sounded like a good meal to me, you know? Cracker Jacks and tap water. She ate about a box and a half of Cracker Jack, and the next day I took her for a walk, she took a Cracker Jack. Cracker Jack was coming out of my dog. I was waiting for the surprise, hoping it wasn’t a whistle or a bird call. There’s certain basic hygiene that you simply have to follow, you know?

A lot of your comedians, they come out and all they’re trying to do is tell jokes. Bullshit. I try and have a little helpful stuff. Consumer hints, you might call them. I’m a bit of a consumer advocate, you know? I care about those things. What you gotta do in the marketplace to stay alive. I mean, not just getting ripped off, but you gotta be a defensive shopper now. Tylenol is what started me on this whole thing. Is that a Tylenol? Whoa, goddamn, that was cyanide they were putting in there. You know, hey, shit, I’d rather have a headache. To me I figure, hey, maybe the headache will go away. That cyanide shit hangs on. I certainly hope those people don’t get to the Preparation H real soon, I’ll tell you that. Hey, that’s all it takes is one Crazy Glue freak, you know what I mean? That’s right. The whole society would come to a halt, believe me. Do you realize that Ex Lax is really just old bad chocolate that gives you the runs? A lot of people aren’t aware of this stuff. Let me ask you a breakfast question, what wine goes with Captain Crunch? I have trouble selecting a wine in the mornings. Sometimes I give up all together and smoke a bong full of Fruit Loops and go on back to bed, you know? Yeah! Smoke a bong full of Fruit Loops, go back to bed and watch the Midmorning Movie. Call into work, call into work around 11:00 o’clock, tell the boss you smoked some Fruit Loops and you’re watching a movie, and you’ll be in around 2:00 o’clock if you feel like it.
That’s the way you gotta treat the boss, you can’t take shit from a guy just because you work for him. Let him know who the real boss is, tell him it’s your job. Hey, it’s my job, I’ll do it my way! That’s what they like, snappy answers. Even if you’re just going in for a job interview, let him know what kind of a guy you are, have a beer can opener and a bunch of swizzle sticks sticking out of your pocket up here. Let him know you consider partying to be sort of a career of its own. And you’d like an office right near the front so you can get the fuck out at 5:00 o’clock in a big, big hurry, you know what I mean, I ain’t staying around here. Tell him what’s happening, then ask him politely what his attitude is on Monday and Friday absenteeism. Tell him you don’t need a two-martini lunch, but you gotta have a one-joint coffee break. Let him know you’d like to start next month, but you must be paid immediately. Then if you still don’t have the job, point to the picture on his desk and say, who’s the cunt? That’ll get you right in. Probably have a nice long career with that company.
Well… I noticed another one of these has, um, come in. This one is from the National Waffle Institute. I wonder what this one says; “French toast sucks.” Well, I have these notes and I look at them now and then, but most of the time I know them anyway. Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say, he used to say I’m going upstairs and fuck your grandmother. Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn’t gonna lie to a little kid. I’ve been feeling strange lately, my jock came back from the laundry with teeth marks in it, you know? We take that as an omen in my family. You ever see a guy like this? Gee, I hope I don’t. Let’s do this tomorrow. Everybody let’s do this tomorrow at 3:00 o’clock. Perhaps no one will know why.

Think for a moment about the concept of the flame thrower. Okay, the flame thrower. Because we have them. Well, we don’t have them, the Army has them. That’s right, we don’t have any flame throwers. I’d say we’re fucked if we have to go up against the Army, wouldn’t you? But we have flame throwers, and what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there, but I’m way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them. Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend, his friend who was good with tools. And about a month later he was back, hey, quite a concept. And of course, the Army heard about it and they came around We’d like to buy about 500,000 of them, please. We have some people we’d like to throw flame on. Give us 500,000 and paint them dark brown. We don’t want anyone to see them.

Camouflage, what a great idea, camouflage. Have you noticed in the television film from Beirut they have on camouflage suit. There aren’t fucking trees within 25 miles of Beirut, man. They should have store fronts and car grilles on there, you know? Disco. Uh, you wanna go for a ride, you wanna go for a ride. Let me go, let me get this. Let’s go for a ride, okay? Well, actually, you’ll go for a ride, I’ll go for a drive. The person who drives the car, they’re the one who goes for a drive. The other people, they go for a ride. People don’t know that, tell them when they’re in your car. Say, you assholes are going for a ride, I’m going for a drive, cause I’m making the payments on this. And this is my car, for purposes of discussion. And it’s like any car, it’s tough to get into it. You know, you gotta get in the car first. And it’s not easy if you think about it, there’s a certain amount of risk involved getting in the car. Have you noticed how wonderful it is the way they designed the car, that the driver’s door is right out in the middle of goddamn traffic. Holy shit. I mean, you haven’t even gotten in this death machine yet and you almost died once. What you need is a nice, long red light back about a mile and a half, cause you need a little time and space to get in your car, with a little style and grace. I’ve often held up traffic for two or three hours just going into my car. Now as I said, this is my car. My car has one of those door handles, a lot of people have them I think now, the kind of door handles which is recessed a little bit into the door, and your fingers actually go in a little before they grab it. Don’t you like that? I like that. That’s why they’re not gonna make it anymore. They found out we like that. And my door, when I open my door, my door goes whoooot. And my door swings all the way open, you know what I mean? All the way open. I don’t have one of those fancy doors that hangs there half-way and stays there, you know? My door is either fucking closed, or fucking open. That’s it, we got two things, pick one. And if you’re gonna do anything really tricky like get in the car, you better prop that door open with a broom handle, Jack. Cause sure as shit it’s gonna come back and whoooot, whoa. Oh, and that hurts for about a year and a half, you know? And the little purple ring never goes away. Now, I have an additional problem getting into my car because my driver’s seat is pushed all the way forward on those two little runners, and it’s never, never coming back again. There are about 50 of those little pop top beer can rings all fused into one piece of metal, and this thing is never gonna move unless there’s an atomic attack. Now we get in the car if we can and get going here. Well, we had one additional thing, you may have parked in this parking lot where you had full access to your car when you went into the shopping center, but now that you’ve been in there, some asshole has parked right next to you, and you have about four degrees clearance now, and you gotta try and get in, and you’re carrying 12 gifts and wearing a top hat. Plus, your back is not built for this. You know, backs are not made for getting into cars. I’ll tell you, my back hurts just standing around thinking. Imagine this shit. And besides your back, getting in like this, you also risk serious ball injury from the steering wheel. So far the worst thing that’s happened is the flow through my femoral artery has been cut off for over 18 minutes. Fortunately, I was parked in front of a first aid station at the time. But I’m in the car and I’m right up front. What I mean is I’m forward in this car, you know what I mean? I’m right on the fire wall, okay? Hey, if I want to look at the speedometer, I gotta go. But at least I’m in the car, ha ha. And the goddamn door is still wide open. Well, maybe I can reach it, you know? Maybe without dislodging myself, I can reach and close the… Fuck it, we’ll drive with the door open today. It’s a lovely day anyway, isn’t it? And they say it helps you on left-hand turns. Okay, now we’re gonna be going for this drive/ride any minute here. First, a philosophical question: Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot? And anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. Say, look at this idiot here, will you just look at this idiot just creeping along. Whoa, look at that maniac go. I mean, it’s a wonder we ever get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are, because there’s certainly no one driving at my speed. I don’t let anybody drive at my speed, do you? Bullshit, some guy is going my speed, fuck him, I slow down, man. Let him get up ahead a little bit. I can keep an eye on that asshole from back here. I like to know who I’m driving near. I’ll often ask for personal references at a yield sign. Okay, now certain stuff we want to remember before we go for a drive, certain basic things. First of all, there are some things that happen in the car, little embarrassments you suffer, but everyone knows about them. Uh, this is an example of what I mean, have you ever been driving someone else’s car and they’re in the car for some reason, you know what I mean? You’re driving their car and they’re there, too. Let’s say they fell out of a window and broke both of their knees in a courtyard for the sake of argument, and they can’t drive, and you’re driving their car. And you’re used to your car, and your turn signal is mounted on the opposite side of the steering column from their turn signal, and you go to shift gears and you… break off their fucking turn signal. Holy shit, came right off, didn’t it? Have to throw that mother away. Goddamn, you have to get a new one of them. Shit, that broke easy, didn’t it? Some things break easy, don’t they? Some things just come right off. Radio knobs in a car, God, they’re fragile. Just trying to tune something in, just trying to find something you can tolerate. Holy shit, came right off, look at that. Throw that mother away. Give me one out of the bag, I got about 80 of them down there, Thank you. And you wind up listening to something just the other side of the glove compartment. Now here’s an embarrassing thing, this is really embarrassing, this will stay with you for several hundred miles. You know those things you don’t shake off right away, like when you almost got killed by the big tractor trailer truck, and you had to pull over for 20 minutes and not do anything but listen to your heart. This is the same kind of thing. And this is one you do it, you do it yourself. This is so great. Did you ever pull up to a red light and you go a little bit too far into the intersection, so you put the car in reverse and you back up just a little bit, and then you forget the car is in reverse. You’re truly an accident waiting to happen. And then the light changes and (crash). Holy shit! How did I get back here? This is where I started from. God, you gotta pay attention, even at the red lights, don’t you? I thought sure they were for resting. Didn’t it seem that way to you, drive a little while, rest a little while. Oh, you have a lot of fun at the red lights. Did you ever kill somebody at the red light? You can do it, they’re walking right in front of you, man. Let’s kill this asshole, huh? Nah, let him go, hey, let’s kill this broad, okay? No, fuck it, let her go. Okay. Let’s not kill anybody today. Two people saved, man changes mind. Here’s a little red light story somebody told me. A guy is driving along, he’s got someone sitting right next to him and he goes right through a red light. The guy says what are you doing? He said never mind will ya, my brother drives like this. He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light, right through it. What you doing? I told you, will you stop it, my brother drives like this. He comes to a green light and he stops. What are you doing? Well, my brother might be coming the other way. What’s the first thing they teach you in driver education, they tell you where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you to put them at 10:00 o’clock and 2:00 o’clock. Bullshit, I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17, gives me an extra half an hour to get to work, you know? By the way, use everything on your car, you know what I mean? It’s yours, fuck it, you paid for the car, use everything, man. Flip your sun visor even on a cloudy day, who knows, flip it over here, flip it up and down, flip it on the side like the French people do. Flip the other one, even if no one is there, open the ash tray, push in the lighter even if you don’t smoke, turn all the knobs, have a lot of fun. Put your hand out the window, tell people to stop, you have power, power, stop, hold on, you stop, oh. And then let one person go, okay, you can go. Not you, you go. Okay, hey, fuck it, have a little fun, you paid for the car, you know what I mean? Now, a couple of things for the road like let’s remember not to get behind anybody weird, or even somebody mildly weird. You ever been behind a guy whose turn signal has been on for 80 miles? And you say well, maybe he’s just really cautious, you know? I’m not gonna pull out now, he may go at any moment. And you find out later he was going around the world to the left. You ever have somebody behind you whose brights are on? Isn’t that fun, someone behind you whose brights are on. Someone who just had his headlights aimed and wants to show you what a wonderful job the mechanic did. You know how you take care of those people, don’t you? Slam on the brakes, let them plow right into you, man. Sure puts them fucking lights out in a big hurry, I’ll tell you that. Let him find his way home, you know what I mean? He got out, he can get home. Another kind of person you don’t wanna get behind is anybody ssssslow. Boy, that’s really good for your arteries when you get behind somebody really, really sloooow. There are two classes of human beings to avoid in this category The first one is, any woman whose head you can’t see in the car at all. Any four-foot woman in a Cadillac is certain death. I’d pull over and take public transportation, myself. I’m not fucking with a ghost car, you know? Let someone else flag down the Flying Dutchman, it’s not my job. You say well, maybe it’s just coasting. No, I see knuckles. It’s definitely not a robot car. And the other type of person, I want to keep these books in balance, the other type of person whom you don’t want to get anywhere near, much less behind, any man over 70 wearing a hat, especially a checkered hat with earflaps… in August. Cause you know you get pissed. Even if you think you’re a pretty cool customer, you know you get pissed sometimes. Don’t you wish sometimes instead of having those cute little lights on the front of your car, you had 50 caliber machine guns mounted up there? I’d cream this cocksucker if I had real ammunition, Maude. Or you wish you had a rented car for just half an hour so you could bash this asshole and pay the $50 deductible and be done with him, you know what I mean? Just trying to ease him up into second gear. Or, you wish you had a message board that would come up out of the trunk of your car and you could type in any message you like. You drive like old people fuck… slow and sloppy. You ever been driving through heavy downtown kind of traffic, you know, block to block, street to street, busy area, not freeway but street to street, people backing out at 5:00 o’clock, busy stuff, maybe it’s winter and it’s dark already and it’s raining a little bit, got the window open, you can hear the rain, you can hear the traffic, people bumping into each other, got the radio on, got the windshield wipers going. So everything is happening at once, radio, windshield, rain, traffic, everything going on, and you’re just trying to get across town to take care of something, you know? And you get over there and park the car, turn off the key and go inside, take care of the business, and you come out and you turn on the key, and the goddamn radio is this loud. Could I possibly have been listening to that? You know, I believe someone broke into this car and tampered with my volume control, and that’s the only thing they touched. Here’s something you’ll be doing tonight, this is one you do all the time, if you get in the car you’re committed to do this following thing over and over. When you’re driving, you have to decide which car to get behind at the red light. There’s a block to go, there are three lanes to choose from, it’s completely up to you to decide who’s the really fast asshole in this group up ahead. Now, just a couple of things to remind you before I tow this trusty little thing back to the garage, a couple of things that go without saying, that’s why I’m going to say them. Uh, first of all, when you’re driving, let’s all keep in mind, when you’re driving and you come to the scene of an accident, for God sakes, slow down and try to find out what’s going on. And if you can’t see enough, ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car. Say, would you bring them over here? My wife has never seen a man shaped in quite that manner. That’s what they’re here for, to protect, to serve and to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. And the other thing which we’ve all heard a million times but it bears repeating, drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving. See ya, thank ya, whoa, a little tow job. Thank you. Okay, thanks, man. Yeah, all right. Sure.

Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to mice fart by holding them upside down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen. Tragedy struck the parade today as an open manhole claimed the lives of 1100 marchers, one at a time. The Food and Drug Administration announced this week the following consumer information: Baloney causes night blindness, tuti fruity ice cream causes homosexuality, and chicken a la provencal with truffles and white wine causes brain damage. A man has barricaded himself inside of his house, however, he is not armed and no one is paying any attention to him. A man who was shot in the chest nine times yesterday and refused treatment… died today. Here’s a human interest story about man’s best friend. It seems that 63-year-old James Driscoll was asleep last week in his downtown hotel room. He awakened to the sound of a dog barking. When he woke, the room was full of smoke and he could not see. The dog led him out of the room, down the hall, and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. Seems it wasn’t his dog. The results of the blind person’s golf tournament have just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes, just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. The Nobel Prize in mathematics has been awarded to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is “bleen,” which he claims belongs between six and seven. A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was eaten today by a green boogie man. In northern Montana today, a woman was severely injured when she attempted to force breast feed a wild boar. This morning on a busy downtown street corner, a dog exploded. No one was killed, however 12 people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that 50 to 60 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

Let me ask you a personal question, have you ever been making out with someone and one of you has a snot that’s whistling? Well, first you gotta find out who it is, you know? Then you gotta figure out which side it’s on. Did you ever have a hatchet go right through your face? You know, I’m talking about a good shot. Isn’t it strange, it’s the funniest feeling, cause just after the hatchet goes in, before you feel any pain, you feel this blast of cool air in the middle of your brain. I love that, it feels so good, but you know, that’s the only way I can attain it, and so I try not to get too hung up on it. Something I think about quite often is the rain dance. If they do a rain dance, wouldn’t you have to do rain dance practice… first? Wouldn’t that come first? Wouldn’t you have to have practice? I mean, some guys would have forgotten, some guys didn’t know it, some guys didn’t pay attention last year. You know, you gotta have rain dance practice. And what I’m wondering is, if you have rain dance practice, does it rain during practice? And if it doesn’t how do you know if you have it right? And if it does, why bother with the goddamn dance in the first place? Why not, you know, you need a little water, call practice. These are the kind of things I think of when I’m home alone and the television is broken.

You know the best thing about living right on the seashore, you only have assholes on three sides of you. And if they come from that direction, you can hear them splash. Well, I use that word a lot, asshole. So do lots of people, you know, asshole. You asshole. This guy is an asshole. Are you kidding with this asshole over here? What an asshole. What do these assholes think they’re doing anyway? Well, it’s a great external target for you. It’s a great way to express yourself, this kind of asshole, that one. And I’ve been calling assholes a lot of years, you know? And I’ve noticed one thing, the amount of an asshole a person is, is directly proportional to the distance they are away from you at the time you discover this flaw. Someone on TV is really an asshole. Someone in a car is pretty much of an asshole. Someone standing right next to you on line, that guy is a real asshole, you know? The closer they are, the nicer they get, you know? Have you ever been talking to someone and a little bit of spit flies off your tongue and lands right on the man’s nose? And you say, Jesus, didn’t he see that? Then you think well, maybe he’s just a really cool guy. He saw it but he figures it’ll evaporate. He’s a science teacher. Talk about little embarrassments. Did you ever go the doctor’s office waiting room and you sit down and it turns out to be one of those cushions that sounds like you farted? Don’t you stand up right away, and then do it three times in a row? So they’ll all know it wasn’t you. Hey, not me, huh, cushion sounds like a fart, hey. No smell, just the cushion, see? Hey, let’s not tell the next guy who comes in.

Or your stomach begins a conversation with you, always in a quiet situation, isn’t it? Always in a quiet setting. It never has anything to say when I’m out at the rifle range. But you let me get into the dentist’s office waiting room, everyone is quiet, everyone is in pain, and everyone is reading. And I’m looking through a copy of Molar World myself, and my stomach thinks it’s show time and starts in with little things like… (sound). Don’t you cough and try to drown it out? Make a lot of noise with the magazine, push on your stomach and hope the noise will go back into your kidneys. Then it goes… (sound). Then it starts in with complete sentences, we have no money for food, we’re poor. Don’t listen to my stomach, huh, it doesn’t know what it’s talking about. And you’re just trying to get through the day, but little things await you, little moments you have to deal with.

Did you ever start to belch and then almost puke? It’s like a medical emergency. You say, Jesus, I almost puked! Turns out it was a belch, but puke was involved. This was a semi puke related belch incident. God, it’s an awful feeling, you know? Not just the taste, which is bad enough, but it’s the whole idea, just the idea of the thing that bothers me. You know, I don’t know whether I’m almost sick or not. I think sheesh, maybe I’m almost sick. Perhaps I shouldn’t go out under these circumstances. You know, you wouldn’t want to get out and be outdoors somewhere and get sick on some stranger. Better to stay home and get sick on people you love. Cause nobody likes to get sick, you know? If being sick were fun, shit, I’d be sick all the time, myself. You’d have parties for it. People would say hey, come on over to the house, we’re all gonna get sick. You never hear that, it’s no fun. But fortunately, for us, we don’t get sick right away, all of a sudden, you know? It doesn’t happen out of the blue that suddenly you’re sick. You’re not walking along the street and then… (sound). Doesn’t happen like that. Usually, before you get sick, there’s a little period of time when you don’t feel good, and that does come first, doesn’t it? Say, what’s the matter with you, what are you sick? No, I just don’t feel good. I don’t know what it is, you know, cause I’m not sick. But I don’t feel right. I feel like, I feel like, I could get sick if I really wanted, you know? But I don’t wanna, and I hope I don’t. Well, that’s what he says now, that he doesn’t want to get sick. You check that same guy in a half an hour and you know what he’ll be saying, geez, I wish I would get sick and get it over with. Finally, you just want to get it over with, don’t you? Because almost being sick is worse than actually being sick. After all, once you’re sick, shit, you’re sick now. Everything’s different once you’re sick. People treat you nice once you’re sick. You don’t feel good, you’re just a big pain in the ass. People treat you nice once they know you’re officially sick. Hey, most places have a different attitude if you’re sick, your city, the place you live, a whole different attitude. Most places have a sanitary code. If you spit on the sidewalk it’s a $50 fine. Vomiting is free! Well, how did they arrive at that price schedule? Wouldn’t it seem to you like the bigger the mess, the bigger the fine? Hey, look at this guy here, $1500 here. Hey, leave the guy alone, can’t you see the guy is sick. Go ahead buddy, it’s on the house. Actually, it’s on your trousers. And they say you threw up. Check your shoes, looks like you threw down. That’s one of them phrases that doesn’t really mean what it says, you know? God, you don’t throw up, if anything, you throw out. If you threw up, you’d have to get out of the way. Being sick doesn’t even sound very good. I mean, the sound of the word is bad enough, sick. I’m sick. Excuse me, I’m sick. If you ever want to clear a path in a crowd, that’s the way you do it. Excuse me, I’m sick. Cripples will get out of your way. You can be out of the football stadium in 10 seconds with one good loud excuse me, I’m sick. They’ll clear a path to your home, cause don’t nobody want no vomit on his pennant.

Well, I’d like to do something called baseball and football, and it, uh… thank you, that’s nice… because these two things are such a part of our lives, these two activities, and yet, they’re so different. Baseball is pastoral, 19th century. Football is technological, 20th century. Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park, the baseball park. Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium, War Memorial Stadium. In baseball, you wear a cap. In football, you wear a helmet. Baseball has a seventh inning stretch. Football has a two-minute warning. Baseball has no time limit, we don’t know how long it’s gonna last. We might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death. Football is based on downs, what down is it? Baseball is based on ups, who’s up, are you up? I’m not up. In football, you get a penalty. In baseball, you make an error, whoops. In baseball in the stands there’s something of a picnic feeling, you know, emotions may run high but there’s not that much unpleasantness. In football in the stands, you can be sure that at least 27 times during the game you were capable of taking the life of a fellow human being, preferably a stranger. And to sum this up, the object of the games, quite different, the object of the game in football is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line. In baseball, the object is to go home. I’m going home, I’m going home. Well, I don’t have an ending for that, but that’ll do until one comes along, you know what I mean?

This weekend, sports fans won’t wanna miss, Universe of Sports. More unusual sports from around the world. From Turkey, teen wrestling with knives. From France, nude weight lifting. From Norway, a look at a largely forgotten sport, underwater tobogganing. From an elevator shaft in New York City, men’s vertical frisbee. From a nursing home in Oklahoma, demolition walker. From Texas, off-water boating. And finally, the newest X-rated sport from California, roller-fucking. Here’s a cheer, a sports cheer you can use, I’m giving this to you. Maybe you’ve heard it but, uh, it’s a gift for you, and you can use this in any sport.

I think of football more, uh, you know, appropriate for… for cheers, I think. But, but you could use this for any sport, intramural lacrosse, uh, mud surfing, cross-country bowling, full contact chess, Australian dick wrestling. They have that on ESPN, you know? But here’s a little cheer, and a lot of people like it. It goes like this: “Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat, 69 assholes tied in a knot, hooray, lizard shit, fuck.” Now, I’m gonna do that again cause I know some of you like to memorize these things. And by the way, if you’re memorizing and there are two people in your party, why not each one of you memorize every other word. Kind of cuts the labor right in half. It goes like this: “Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat”… perfectly normal way to begin a cheer as far as I’m concerned – “69 assholes tied in a knot” – I don’t know what that means, either – “hooray, lizard shit, fuck.” Thank you very much. Thank you all. Next year, thank you. See you later.

I don’t know about that kids. Ah, the hell with it. Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood, he had no last words, however, he did make several gestures.


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

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