BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM OKLAHOMA (2018) – Full Transcript

Bill Maher brings his hilarious stand-up show to screens from Tulsa, Oklahoma in his 11th solo show on HBO.

Comedian Bill Maher took on President Trump and a variety of current topics during his HBO standup special in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you folks. Wow. Thank you very much. Oh, wonderful greeting, I appreciate that. I know, we are on TV… Thank you. Listen, I want you to know I’m here on purpose. No, no. Also I want you know we announced we were doing the show only 3 weeks ago here in Oklahoma. Since then, Scott Pruett got canned… [Applause] and medical marijuana got legalized… so… [Applause]. What can I say… I do what I can. ladies and gentleman. But, yes, medical marijuana here in Oklahoma you’re governor Mary Fallin said it would open the door to recreational use. Yes, yes Mary, it will. We’re counting on that but. But I mean I wanted to come I. I love the red states, I really do. I I wanted to come here because first of all – I mean this in the best possible way – I miss normal so much. I miss sensible, middle-of-the-country liberals so much. I would give anything for a boring president. For a president to bore my balls off every day. I wake up every day and look at the phone through one eye like… “what did the mental patient do today?” I… I feel like I’m binge watching the worst television show in history. People come up to me and they… “see what he did today?” I’m like “please, I’m still on the episode where he fucked a porn star.

I… That’s why I always try to impress so much on the younger people… how different this is… Where are my millennials, by the way? Wow, always in the back because they have no money. I’m fucking with you, I love you. Because these are the good millennials, because they… [crowd cheering] because they came to see me and they must know this is not a safe space. Not that every… everyone here is welcomed. Trump people are here, amongst us. And they are welcome. I mean that, I mean that. This is the country, not an apartment. We can’t divided it down the middle, we have to learn to live together. So you truly are welcome and it has been impressed upon me but it doesn’t help to call your political adversaries “dumb”… [Laughs] … so I am not gonna do that. But, “easily conned,” can we say that? “Not exactly detail people.”

I mean, take… take something like the Affordable Care Act, okay. Polls tell us that Trump people hate Obamacare, but they like the Affordable Care Act. And what Trump tells them about healthcare: [imitating Trump] “I’ll give you way better, way cheaper, and cover everybody. You’re gonna want to get sick just to use this healthcare plan.” So… way better, way cheaper and cover everybody and you bought that? See what I mean about a con man and… I knew this was happening on the first day, when he… Do you remember when he saw the multitudes that did not exist? Remember at the inauguration… I mean… You know what? It was bad enough when Republicans didn’t believe in climate change but… counting? [Cheers and applause] Counting… counting is settled science. I am not gonna budge on that. But this is… this is what happens when you elect… right, a malignant narcissist as president that… he cannot imagine a reality that doesn’t match his perceptions. That was the most people he ever saw in one place… so… it must be the most people whoever gathered anywhere. That’s why he thinks he has a big dick… [Cheers and applause] It’s the biggest one HE has.

Although, honestly, doesn’t everything about this man just scream micro dick? You know, the bragging and the buildings with my name on them. At the debates… yes he was talking about his dick at the debates. THAT guy is president. Remember that [imitating Trump] “there’s no problem, I guarantee there’s no problem”. I think there’s a problem. I… I think is a very big problem. I think that’s the whole problem. I think this is a man who has never once brought a woman to orgasm. If even believes such a thing exists I… [imitating Trump] “It’s rigged, it’s rigged… the vagina has been very unfair to me… very unfair, and I say that very strongly.” Very strongly. I’ll have a heart attack from this. And, you know, I… I talk to Trump people all the time. You know, they’re not blind to his myriad flaws. They… But you asked about… “what do you like about the guy?” They always say the same thing: “He’s strong. Alpha. Real man.” What? Who are you looking at? He’s always blaming everybody else, complaining, never takes responsibility,  [imitating Trump] “I inherited a mess.” You inherited millions of dollars, you Winy… Little… Bitch.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you, I’ll be doing all my greatest hits tonight I…

I mean, even when he goes to a disaster zone. Remember that? It’s all about him! The floods… Remember the hurricanes… [imitating Trump] “we’re getting very high marks. Everyone floating by says we’re doing a fantastic job… very…” What… What… what… what president ever needed to have these, you know, emergency flattery meetings… Have you seen that shit where they call the cabinet together to go around the room “you shine with the light of 1000 Suns my sire.” And now the secretary of labor would like to say if you. It was it there’s a congresswoman from Tennessee who’d made a speech in front of Trump she said “Mr president thank you for letting us have you as our president.” Letting us have you? Jesus, don’t get any in your hair. Letting us have you? Writing is. We will. Thank. I guess we forgot that he president is supposed to lift us up right not the other way around but if we are in the other way around. Who has rallies after the election is over only this psychopath because you know he gets blue you see something on TV doesn’t like so the staff is like all get me 9000 drooling idiots in an airplane hangar in Tuscaloosa Alabama staff. So we can…” What it is rallies. You see they did one the other day you know it you know he lies a lot anyway but. These things first of all he takes great pride in the fact that he does not use a teleprompter. Doesn’t want to insult his base by reading. But the shit that comes out of his mouth at these rallies… I mean, fact checkers are carried out on stretchers ladies and gentlemen… it’s…

I’m not going to make it to the end of the show talking about this asshole. The big people are always they are trying to calm me down my friends like all “come on bill you’re exaggerating we’ve had presidents who didn’t know much”. Yeah well we have a bad we do have a president who didn’t know Bush didn’t know much Reagan the last year thought the coat rack was Barbara Stanwyck. Kids, use your Google to find out who Barbara Stanwyck is. It’s… Look up coat rack while you’re in there because that’s probably not a thing anymore either but… Okay. So we’ve had dumbass presidents but we never had one like this who was so, you know, aggressively stupid. Right, you know, takes pride that you cannot get information into his head. We don’t know how. Actually he gets information although it’s entirely possible Sean Hannity blows it directly up his ass. But, really he takes pride in… how many times you tell them things he will insist like the stealth bomber is literally invisible. For. There’s such a thing as clean coal or you know global warming is a hoax… because it snows in the winter. It’s like saying the sun isn’t real because last night it got dark.

Remember Jim Huff with the snowball? Yeah. Oh, well you got some real beauty here let me tell yeah I don’t know how you put up with that but there’s a real asshole politicians at this stage. Down the lineAnd you know the saddest thing about Trump he doesn’t want to change you said it many times I could be presidential yeah you could… not. In his first press conference and never forget it he said “I am me.” “I am me”. Thanks Tarzan. “I am me”… even Melania it was like “your English not too good daddy”. Oh Melania. I like Melania, com’on… she is the good kind of immigrant. The kind that does the jobs Americans just don’t wanna do. Like blowing and fucking Donald Trump. But… I do feel bad for having to live through this scandal with the porn star. I mean, you know this he said she said thing that’s going on. I mean but who you gonna believe the fake blonde with big tits or Stormy Daniels.

Did you you see that the the evangelicals… any evangelicals here? You’re welcome too. I know you’re here so… you’re welcome too. But, you see, they gave Trump a Mulligan on stormy day of course because it’s a cult he could do any…he could fuck Charlie Daniels. They don’t care. But… But I thought was so interesting was that when Trump got in trouble the first time with women with the member the Hollywood access tape a month before the election. Okay, who came to his aid? Who bailed his ass out? It was the two Christians gyms to super Christians in his administration Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions you know those people though that people start every debate with “well I’m a Christian”. Like “why even have this argument? I win automatically. I believe in an intellectually embarrassing Bronze Age myth.” Boom! Mike dropped. Then. Yeah I mean, they asked Jeff Sessions two days after the tape came out Jeff Sessions Sir your senator the president is what I want to be president just said admitted to grabbing women’s vaginas without their permission. Is that non sexual assault. And Jeff Sessions said well I gag. Yeah. And I’m quoting directly ladies and gentlemen, that’s exactly what he said. No. I love this so the reporter persisted in as the second I did “Sir the man said he grabs pussies is that not sexual assault?” And Jeff Sessions said “it’s not clear how that would occur”. Yeah right it’s a totally a matter of circumstance. I mean like for example what if you saw a pussy… bout to fall off a cliff. Would. Wouldn’t you want to be able to grab that pussy without a lot of politically correct red tape getting in the way? I think you would.

But man. There is no shame in their game these people you know. Whoever is going to win an election we gotta get buddy up to that idea no shame. I have a lot of perspective on Republicans. I never really was a Republican voter, you know. I can’t believe I, you know, I was so scared Mitt Romney was going to be president again. I’m 1000000 Bucks. I would gladly give Romney $1000000 tomorrow if he would take over America. I swear to God. I would sleep like a baby. I will become a Mormon how about that? And I will I will I would do that for my country. I would become a Mormon. I will wear the magic underwear. I will visit planet Kolob. I would baptize dead people. Man what a stupid religion that one is I mean they’re all stupid but I mean Jesus Christ… you know what pisses me off are these new religions into okay that you know the Christians in that Muslims in the Jews… they get grandfathered in. Right? I mean there are thousands of years old before the age of science people needed stories but Mormons are like 1820s. Fuck you! Whether you knew better and Scientologists and Seventh-day Adventists.

This is this is awesome. I have to tell you I used to be a lonely pioneer out there on the atheist trails and now… It’s like anal, everyone’s doing it. It really religion numbers are down across the board and you wonder why I mean you saw they were trying to use the Bible to justify separating children from their parents at the border a couple of… [crowd booing] Yeah, okay, so I hope you will agree with me that a fault above all things in this world what needs scrutiny and criticism is religion. And that means all of them. All of them. Okay? This ridiculous fetishing of Islam on the part of so many liberals has got to stop. Okay? It’s a religion, like all religions antiquated and dangerous and that one ‘s more fundamentalist, which is not a compliment. Now is Trump’s Muslim ban a good idea? Of course not. even among his stupid ideas that’s one of the worst. It’s counterproductive, it’s unnecessary, it’s un-American it’s bigoted but what exactly is. The liberal answer to this issue. Really it’s just yelling Islamophobia when anybody criticizes the religion. I can’t criticize a religion. Have we met? And you know what I’ve been through this already with the Catholics 0 yeah they were the ones trying to get me thrown off TV 1012 years ago William William Donohue the head of the Catholic League with this letter writing campaigns in his email campaigns at one point they wanted to fight me. Fight me as Jesus would have wanted I’m sure. Two 50-year old men in a parking lot with our search sleeves rolled up. Fight me. I used to say Bill I’m not anti Catholic anti child fucking. And your organization has been caught doing a lot of that so it doesn’t make ME the bad guy. I’m not anti-Muslim I’m anti-misogyny. I thought… I thought feminism was the thing with liberal. Yes I’m against it when they throw a tarp over a woman like she’s a motorboat. Have you ever tried one of those on head to toe it is stifling and part of the reason why they do that head to toe is so the men don’t have to be responsible for their erections. Let me say that again: the men make the women walk around all day in a fucking voting booth… so they don’t get to be responsible for their erections. Your move MeToo.

I’m not anti-any people. I anti terrorizing homosexuals… Again, I thought that I thought that was a liberal thing. I saw this college get on a campus with a tee shirt that said “queers against islamophobia”. I wanted to say to him wear that shirt in Pakistan and see… see if anybody reads down past the queers part because. And by the way, do you know what, no protected species in America we get free speech here all jokes are unfair to a degree. Things stick they’re not always totally true but we all suck it up and laugh. You know what? It’s everybody. If. If something happens in Germany every comedian makes a Nazi joke well Germany doesn’t really have a lot of Nazis anymore. Here, yes. Well we got the Nazis there but. But that’s just how it is if you’re French you always surrender. You know if you’re a supermodel you always throw up your lunch. If you are a redneck you always fuck your sister… These are… Too close. Sorry… Sorry… But, you know… But, you know, the nothing-is-funny people cannot win. Things are bad enough. We have to laugh. And the snowflakes keep wanting to move the goalposts on what can be funny. Now they’re on this thing where if something in a joke even remind you of something that sad… no good. Well fuck that. My answer to that is… Mel Brooks put Hitler in a musical. [Singing ] ♪ Springtime for Hitler… ♪ And well. You know if I tried real hard I think I could connect that to something sad. But I don’t. because we choose to laugh. We choose to laugh not because it’s easy but because it’s hard. That’s my JFK.

I mean… you know… when I was younger we never had terms like microaggressions. Microaggressions and safe spaces and trigger warnings. Jesus Chr… I’m not a marine or anything but what did everybody get so friggin’ fragile about. “Free speech zones”… you mean America? [Cheers and applause] I mean… and liberals can be the worst on this. We should own the first amendment, the way the conservatives own the second. [Cheers and applause] But we don’t. We gave it up. I had the honor of my life—well I thought it was—4 years ago, when Berkeley, on the fiftieth anniversary of the free speech movement there on the Berkeley campus, invited me to be this keynote speaker at the graduation. [Cheers] Wait, wait, wait. And then I was uninvited. Because they got wind I might speak freely. They don’t teach irony on campus anymore, is my guess. But campuses are a little out of control, would you not agree? I mean… [Applause] Yeah. I mean, Three colleges last year had to cancel productions of The Vagina Monologues because they weren’t sensitive enough to women who don’t have a vagina.
Well… they exist like… Caitlyn Jenner, I believe, who is a woman who still has a dick… no… I… Whatever it is, I support her, okay? If she… she cut it off I’d say “good choice! good riddance to that fucking thing! I… It’s a menace! Nothing but trouble from the penis! I.. I see it like the tonsils, or the appendix, or something!”

But… but, you know, I harp on this stuff because Democrats—I think we can all agree—cannot afford to blow anymore elections. [Cheers and applause] I mean, [Cheers and applause] and…  this kind of shit is one reason why just the name Democrat is so toxic in states like this in about 25 others were anybody other than a Democrat could win we got to change that and the way you do it. [Cheers and applause] Drop the PC bullshit. Also. Get a message. [Applause] Get a candidate but people like I like Hillary but she couldn’t fill the function room at the Olive Garden. Meanwhile there was a 74 year old man getting 20000 people to come out and see him. [Cheers and applause] You know… Yes, Bernie. Bernie Sanders and you have to understand in this age where you know everything is fake news and people don’t read the news anyway don’t know what’s going on the coin of the realm of what people latch on to it authenticity and not many have real authenticity Bernie Sanders said. [Cheers and applause]He. He always looked like. A guy who worked in a little office with the roof leaked. [Laughs] “I finished my soup three times.” [Laughs] And you know if he became president nothing would have changed. Walking into the oval office he be looking for something on his desk and be a bass you know like “I’ve got a system it’s in here somewhere.” The  half of an egg salad sandwich down there. A cat. The Queen would come for a state visit would have to move boxes off the couch, “darling, seat! Darling… It’s our busy season. Would you like half of an eggs salad sandwich?

Yeah, that’s what people want. And, honestly, the other guy, who had authenticity, yeah, I’ll give him that. Donald Trump, he is authentically, a douche bag from Queens. He doesn’t hide it. He doesn’t want to hide it. It works for him. People love him because they say he’s like one of us he’s a real American he’s fat eat shit. He plays with his phone all day. And all night. What it what is with the 3:00 AM bitch tweeting by the way. Right what is what is going on at 3:00 AM? Is ts not a poop tweet? Is that when the Metamucil kicks in? Is that how we gets to sleep? That… that would be really sick, because you’re supposed to do something calming before you go to bed, and his his tweets at 3:00am “you’re a loser, you’re a disaster, I hate you” [snoring sound]. No, you are suppose to do something calming and meditative. I jerk off. You know, I decided to switch the mike hand. [Laughs] Just to simulate… apparently is… that’s how serious I am about masturbation, I…

I must tell you folks you’re beautiful crowd. Uh… So I gonna share this with you… but… I gotta tell you. As a comedian, I’ve been talking about masturbation onstage for a long time. The last year, for the first time in my life, when I talked about the subject, I have to spelled it out: “I was alone”. I always assumed everybody knew masturbation meant you were alone. No. What the fuck happened? And I used to say I don’t understand women. I don’t understand men! Masturbating in front of som… I can’t pee in front of somebody! I don’t. And… where did this trend start? What movie is this? Oh well the day didn’t go quite the way I wanted to. But she’s in the room… and I’m gonna take my dick out so… I kinda got laid. I mean, it’s like a give me in golf and just… what… I… I don’t even understand it, but… I hope, I hope women… I hope women know that there are a lot of men who are actually very happy for you, that this reckoning finally came about and… [cheers and applause] … that your lives will always be better for it. It’s true. I always… I always hated bullies… bullies of any kind, you know, sexual harassment is just a particularly odious kind of bullying. And it’s great that all men—not just the rich and famous anymore—every man is on notice. You’re playing with five fouls. [applause] Okay. But I must tell you… I took a little informal poll recently… and the penis… still popular. [cheers] Now the penis has done some very bad, very bad very bad things the penis, terrible things. But, ladies, you still want some dick every once in a while don’t you… okay so… So we want to be part of the solution and we need to be part of the solution. So that’s why I say about the penis… mend it, don’t end it. You know…. and the cut everybody a little slack because with the romance game is a little touchy it’s not exactly always you know easy to define you know… passion and political correctness… not natural allies. No one in bed wants to hear “who’s your co-equal partner?” Nobody. Right? Okay, so…

So, you know, liberals have the high ground on this issue. Let’s not veer off, as liberals so often do, into that weird place where we look ridiculous, okay? [cheers] You know… I mean it’s already happened. Matt Damon famously said “I think we can all agree that there’s a difference between a pat on the ass and rape.” And there was a big liberal backlash, “no we don’t agree to that.” Okay, this is one reason why we lose elections. [applause] This is one reason. Let me tell you something. In 2016 the Democrats and the Republicans played a little game of chicken with each other. And the Democrats said the Republicans, oh “you cannot be so stupid as to vote for Donald Trump”. And they said: “don’t ever tell us how stupid we can be.” But… but, they had a pretty good answer which is “yeah, we get it, Donald Trump is crazy but if you think what Matt Damon said is the least bit controversial, or if you think The Vagina Monologues is insufficiently feminist, or you think Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism, or you lose your shit when a white girl dresses up as Pocahontas on Halloween… then you are crazy too and we can’t trust your judgment. And that shit has to stop. We can’t afford that shit anymore. Because I’ll tell you something… Donald Trump is right about one thing: the elections in this country are rigged… except the’re rigged against us. Gerrymandering, voter suppression, the electoral college, Putin counting the votes. I mean… this thing in presidential elections where we win the most votes and they get to be president… that’s gotta stop, I mean… [Cheers and applause] Al Gore won by 500.000 votes, and didn’t become president. Hillary won by 3,000.000. Even Kim Jong-un is like “that’s fucked up”. That’s exactly what he sounds like, by the way. That is that dead on Kim Jong-un. But, you know, I still have these Republicans coming on much “we don’t know if it affected the elect…” “Don’t know if it affected the election?” Does Chris Christie eat over the sink?

During the campaign… [laughs] during the campaign Donald Trump’s old—you know, Donald Trump has two grown sons, Douchebag von Fuckface Trump… and… Thurston Shitbag the third. I said I was gonna do all my greatest hits… okay… so… [applause] But yeah, during the campaign Donnie Dickface gets [laughs] this email that says “We have dirt on Hillary. Signed, Russia.” And he emails back “I love it”. It’s game over there, isn’t it? I mean… isn’t it? Right, I mean… if you send me an email that says “I have some fantastic kiddie porn”… and I email back “I love it”… I think that’s when they knock on your door. I do… I think that’s when it’s over. [cheers and applause] But, these people… they’re … they’re shameless [?] the way they will tell a lie and before the next news cycle have a completely new lie and don’t apologize for the last one. They would be like “oh no, there was no meeting, no meet… okay… there was a meeting… yes, there was a meeting, but… but no Russians… no… oh yes, one Russian… there was one Russian… I’m sorry, I misspoke… three Russians, there was three… right, five Russians were at the meeting and that is… eight Russ…” There was eight Russians, there was eight Russians at the meeting! And the Bolshoi Ballet. And doctor Zhivago and the crew of the Red October. [Laughs] You have to hold the meeting in the steam room to have more Russians involved. “Okay, we had a meeting but it was just about adoptions”. [Laughs] “Yes, we’re all big fans of Annie, it was just about… adopt… we did not talk about the election. All right, we talked about the election but… no collusion no coll… okay, collusion, there was collusion but no… criminal collusion. Okay, criminal collusion, but is it really such a crime to commit a crime?” That’s where they are… That’s where the whole Republican Party is. Is it really such a crime to commit a crime? They’re on the side of crime! [Applause] This is… And that’s the whole party. The whole party. It’s not just the clown, it’s the circus. Don’t forget that. I mean, Donald Trump could not be where he is without all these enablers. You know, I… I get… I’ve given up asking the question: what has to happen before they give up? You can’t ask that. Nothing. Donald Trump could tweet tonight “Obama is hiding under my bed”. And on Monday Sarah Huckabee Sanders would say, “Well, many presidents have had their predecessors had under their bed. Martin Van Buren was under William Henry Harrison is bad for 2 years from 1837 to 1839 and Grover Cleveland was under the bed of…”

[Cheers and applause]

But I think… of all the enablers that get under my skin, the one I hate the most… Mike Pence… [Cheers and applause] … because, you know, super Christian… he launders all of Donald Trump’s slime because he looks so “Christian”… and… and he is beyond Christian: “if life begins at erection…” [Cheers and applause] You know, he… he lives by something they called the Billy Graham rule, which is that “he will never go to any function, party where there’s alcohol being served, if his wife is not with him.” Why, because the other chicks would bomb rush Mike Pence? Yes, they would be like Tupac in ’95… They’d be blowing him on the dance floor… I mean a…

So. Listen. I just want to say that that you know. This is important I I’m never going to be the comedian of stop the show and goes this is serious but this is serious. So please a small lighting change. Perfect anyway. Yeah I just want to say when I took the SAT center up they still have this question gets but there was a section called “choose the best answer” and there was never an answer that fit perfectly because they were trying to teach you something sometimes in life there isn’t a perfect answer you change the best answer so when people say “Mike Pence would be worse”, I implore you to reconsider that. Mike Pence is the kind of loathsome Christian hypocrite that, if I didn’t hate religion already, I would start. [Cheers and applause] But… Mike Pence is not trying to become a dictator. Mike Pence does not talk about locking up journalists and political opponents. He can name all three branches of governments. He’s within the normal parameters of Republican awful. He is not the head of a crime family. He doesn’t see things that don’t exist—if you don’t count Jesus. He doesn’t want to destroy government from within.

I mean Donald Trump… I mean for what was essentially had a big pollution protection agency. And… besides being the greatest scam artist I’ve ever seen I mean I really think Scott Pruitt might be three raccoons under a trench coat. He might not even be human. But besides that. He was a coal lobbyist as head of the EPA the Attorney General is a Confederate soldier. The secretary of education is mentally challenged. Rick Perry. Texas people, you’re very proud, I could see. Very ran for president in 2012 on a platform of he wanted to eliminate 3 government departments of which he could name two. I don’t think he gets the credit he deserves for being able to name almost 67 percent of the departments he himself wanted eliminate. But the one he could not remember. Was the department of energy which he is now the head out okay. That is some performance art ladies and gentlemen that is a skip past rolling that is performance art and do you know this? When he took the job he did not know what the department of energy did. It’s in charge of the nuclear weapons. He didn’t know that that’s why Obama’s secretary of energy was a Nobel Prize winning physicist. Rick Perry—this is not a joke—Rick Perry has a BA in animal husbandry. Really. He doesn’t know what a centrifuges is. But he can jerk off a horse. Really? That guy is…

So what can I say? Democrats, we’ve just got to win. We cannot blow any more elections, so next time, next time, a little more about “We’re going to bring your jobs back” and a little less about “We’re going to make you pee next to a guy in a dress.” Not that I care I’m not taking a survey when I’m in there and I’m totally on the page with the transgenders I’m down with you guys I get it sometimes the equipment. Doesn’t. Match the gender you know what’s a little counter intuitive but sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t. I get it. But I also know like women regular normal women who say when I go to a bathroom it’s kind of an intimate place I want to know if there’s a penis on deck. Talk about women with vaginas old school all. Women classic I call the. By the way if any of you ladies still have your original vaginas hang on to those things. They are going to be valuable some day. Hang on to anything long enough and it will come back in style.

But. I mean the truck when that election on jobs job of course he was lying could his mouth was moving and that was it meat in it. But that was the whole “the Mexican are stealing your jobs” Mexicans are not stealing your jobs robots are stealing your jobs. And if they ever come up with a Mexican robot we are really fucked. With. But whoever told these real Americans that the government was a an employment agency anyway this there’s no more gigs for life okay those days are over only gigs for life: Pope. 60 minutes correspondent. And flight attendant on any major allied every knows those girls are old and I mean… They call me Sonny that it’s. That some seniority system going on at United Airlines up always like grandma “can I get a hot towel when you wake up for beer now sweetheart? Thank you so much”.

But. In my view America doesn’t even have for the the issue we spend so much time and we don’t even have an immigration problem. We have a my-life-didn’t-turn-out-the-way-I-wanted-to-so-I-blame-other-people problem. Oh, that we have. You know. The greatest con the Republicans ever pulled on working-class Americans was convincing them it was the immigrants and single moms who were blocking their way to the American Dream. you know the 10 member the takers photodetectors the people who don’t pay any income tax yeah that’s who has all the money the people with no money. The people use their food stamps to buy drugs I hear that why I love that idea that always makes me laugh because I know that one from both sides. I do I have been poor and I’ve been a drug dealer. We don’t take food. I we don’t mean anything by it that’s just our policy and I don’t think it’s changed.

No. It’s funny, America as you well know has 0 tolerance for drugs and infinity tolerance for guns and I wait I Norman Oklahoma so I’m going to cover myself right away and say I am a gun owner. I’m just not a gun lover okay. I don’t take pictures with it I don’t Polish it I don’t answer the door with it. I don’t take it on dates to chipotles. The moon honey I’m going to show you off to the fellows at home depot. Because that’s the one of the big problems is psychological with guns we just love them too much you know every year somebody I don’t know who but they keep a registry of the names that parents are giving their newborns and in the last 5 years parents have been naming kids gun names. They’ve been naming kids things like pistol shooter magnum Remington. This is sick liberals don’t do this liberals don’t name their kids Prius and juicer. You know my boy Kale don’t choose a. He’s a strapping young lad. But. But honestly you know we don’t ever have a lot of movement on the gun issue because we don’t have an ant-gun party we have the Republicans love guns and the Democrats love them slightly less every debate begins with well at least we can all agree we need some guns to go out in the woods and murder animals. Because we’re sportsmen. Are you really is it really a sport if one team doesn’t know the game is going on. The sport. So that asshole with the giraffe couple days ago. 21 I can strangle her I mean and you know what these African country some of them they will sell permits to go and shoot these majestic endangered beasts you know what the excuses they say yes we allow you to shoot these animals but only the older non breeding males. I take this very personally latest job I. I don’t think this is a slippery slope that we want to go down. I think those are the most contributing people that decide if that happened out. Beyond that I have to say it out turning 60 is… was hard enough. First of all you don’t like when I’m driving to work and I’m looking for it now. I never see people my age out I’m like is that no no is it what about. Were they all raptured? with the f… This is a bad old were allowed to be out at 60 aren’t we? The only place I see people my age are in Cialis commercials. Which I think are very obnoxious because it’s all this pressure you know this I “will you be ready?” “Will you be ready?” you know no one the guys have heart attacks when they’re 49 at. I don’t worry if the raptors coming I gotta worry about. “What if the rapture comes when I’m fucking you?” They’ll never take me home balls David you. You know what. This will you be ready that smarmy voiceover one look. Can turn the ordinary into something more. Really after all these years of marriage one look. Yes so be ready.Have would be okay take the 4 hour pill take the 36 hour pill then that viagra for everyday use just keep it hard she’ll let you know. She’ll give you the look.Really big and you can see this in the commercial because that. Stories that never just get right to boating there’s always these activities they doing this the strolling consigning and shopping in canoodling gets it. Is it this much work to fuck your own white for this country? So sorry I never got on board with that I mean. I swear to god there’s one word that the couple is putting the finishing touches on a bird house together they’re like. You know the. Oh it’s on Alex. I.Soon as we finish this bird outside. I think I just got the. That’s not the look at wasn’t. I’m gonna fuck the hole in this bird house in America.

Look. I am not against marriage. I am not never have been. I’m against marriage for me but this is a very personal issue I get it some people that would be lost without their spouse I know guys who hate it when their wife is out of town. One guy, okay. what. You had to bust me on that so quickly one guy but he’s sincere about it. Is that. This is name is this Amame kids. I think this is a meme I hear it all the time happy wife happy life which you know it it sounds so sweet but it’s really a friend. Just the. That’s the that’s a nice life you got there shame if anything were to happen to it. So well I think you do want to go to the store and pick up those items don’t you I thought you did. The other marriage cliche I love to hear it all the time celebrities led to say it they asked the couple you know what’s the secret to your marriage and the guy always says all she keeps me grounded. Yeah I was doing all this storing. Luckily I got this bitch to remind me that. I’m not all that so that’s great. I don’t know if you saw. Couple years ago our friends adviser came out with a lady viagra as it was dubbed in the media which he said would even things out which is silly on a number of levels first of all even things out women as we all know have gotten a raw deal throughout history in almost every civilization including up until today. The one area were they got lucky and don’t even hang out with sex I mean just multiple orgasms you win.You know. You have a machine gun we have a musket. And… And don’t even ask about trying to re load that thing they is that. With that powder. Half the time it blows up in your face it’s. But… Yeah. But not just multiple organ of the model zones you know women have a vagina and a clit and the G. spot a Jesus body only founded in 1985. That’s so complicated women are there still discovering should there in the eighties. They came to me in 1985 and said a bill we’ve detected a third ball that I think. And I’m sure when I was taking off that list of erogenous zones I’m sure at least some of you out there were saying all come on bill what about the asshole. We talked about in the whole first half of the show less. It’s about you Donald Trump. This is about me.

I must say I actually like this age first of all I thought when you got to the stage was all about a bucket list I have no bucket list not that I’m not that I’ve done everything I’ve hardly done anything I’ve done a lot of this because I like this but you know anything I haven’t done I could give a flock. Really. I never went skiing good. It’s cold and I didn’t die on a tree fantastic. I never took a dangerous vacation in some dusty place where people could take a check on a bus good. I’ve never seen Breaking Bad. Otherwise a good person. Also I must say I have never – to the best of my knowledge – I have never fuck a Republican to the best of my knowledge. I don’t mind fuck your brains out I’m not going to fuck him in. And of course the big one I never had children which you know that’s just to get a personal choice I. It’s a personal whatever there’s no moral dimension to what I get it people still like children are very popular. That’s fine just don’t deputise me in your battle with parenting you know I mean I. If I do a drug joke I don’t want to get messages from people you’re giving a bad message to children. Okay, first of all, fuck children. You know what. We used to organize our lives around with children might get into. I fully endorse you keeping me away from your children. You’re supposed to be smarter than them keep your guns in your drugs in your sex toys and build more away from your children. I mean. I have set up my life in such a way that I never have to talk to or in any way interact with the child. But but what I occasionally see of it looks like a nightmare first of all.Parents get this idea that they have to negotiate with their kids about everything I always see this: “Hey buddy. Are you ready to go?” “Are you ready to go?” How about get in the fucking car? And also you know kids every parent I know always sick sniffling colds flu because the kids. Disease. They bring drugs. The rapists. And some I assume a good. But man. I was a free range child I mean we grew up on tap water Bologna and red dye number 2 there was. Seat belts were completely optional. Helmets. Say the kids who wore helmets went to a different school okay. And you know what I am so glad I am so glad for my leave it to beaver upbringing. I am so glad that when I was a kid there was no porn on the phone. No wonder the kids are fucked up. I mean all my formative years all the masturbation took place without any visual aids whatsoever. I had I Dream of Jeannie. Once a week. And a little ad in my sister’s teen beat magazine to increase your best bust size that’s all I had all my early while I did it again. Overruled. All my early whacking was in the dark under the covers in my mind scenarios images memories that’s what made me the man I am today. I’ve read all these revelations to come out from the #metoo stuff and it’s like. And I was to grow up in the land that time forgot. Even in my fantasies I swear to god there’s no weirdness even in my fantasy I don’t wanna fuck anybody in the ass. Who. That’s where the shit comes out what what do you people not. But on a plane you’re asking them to play with your feet but I want to come on your face I don’t wanna choke you. She can’t breathe who’s sexy. I want to role play and want to dress up with some money. Does anybody just flock anymore. I had the same basic fantasy since I was 11 years old a super hot chick loves me. And he loves me and my Dick is like crack to her. The end.That’s it. You know. You know that when I lost my virginity, at the age of 16, in 1972, Yet invented the shape and voices. And I was telling this recently to this millennial kid and it blew his mind I should. I should have given a trigger warning. But really it blew this kid’s mind. He was like “that’s amazing because losing your virginity is confusing enough as it is I was like. Tell me about it I remember looking down it was like. It looked like a Beatle wig I mean. I remember thinking “I know it’s around here somewhere…”

And that’s what I say about America. And our greatness. I know it’s around here somewhere. And we are gonna find it again. Thank you very much your amazing crowd. And we are going to find it again. We gonna vote, we gonna focus and we gonna stick together. Thank you very much. Thank you Tulsa.


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