Real Time with Bill Maher
Season 22 – Episode 23
Original air date: July 19, 2024
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And finally, New Rule, there’s nothing on earth, not even an assassination attempt, that can’t be made just a little worse by adding religion.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Since the bullet that was meant for Donald Trump missed him last Saturday, Republicans have been indulging in an orgy of magical thinking.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Saying things like, “Trump wears the armor of God.”
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Boxing star Jake Paul tweeted about the miracle at Butler Farm Show grounds, “When you try and kill God’s angels and saviors of the world, it just makes them bigger.” Which sounds like something a guy who gets hit in the head for a living would say.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
The internet quickly filled up with images of angels and Jesus protecting Trump, like this one from Congresswoman Maria Salazar. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Steve Scalise said, “Yesterday there were miracles. And I think the hand of God was there too.” Steve was also shot, but God was having an off day. And…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
And, uh… that bullet missed his ear and went into his spleen.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And of course, it was inevitable that someone named Kevin would tweet this video of a flag from the rally that got twisted up in a wire and said, “It looks like an angel. Look, it’s an angel and it’s wearing a flag.”
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just like Sarah Palin used to do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(CLEARS THROAT) My point is that Donald Trump, even if you like him, is powerful enough as a past president, a likely future president, and to be perfectly frank, a cult leader. America doesn’t need a demigod.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
From the pharaohs, to Julius Caesar, to Hirohito, many cultures have tried it. The earthly being who is simultaneously divine, or at least God-ish. And it never turns out well. And look, I’m not anti-religion. Oh, wait, I’m very anti-religion.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
BILL MAHER: That’s right. (INDISTINCT) (CHUCKLES) I’m the guy who made the movie Religulous, come on.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
And the theme of that movie was, I’m sorry, but religion is stupid and dangerous. And I don’t say that in a mean way. It’s true. No one thought that movie was mean-spirited. Not even the religious people I interviewed. You also share the name Miranda. Maybe you’re Carmen Miranda.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
Maybe the second coming of her. You should have fruit on your head.
Instead of fruit in your head.
(BOTH LAUGH)
All right. Thank you.
Can I come over and give you a hug?
Yes. I hug everybody, so can I give you a hug?
(LAUGHS) Thank you very much.
THERAPIST: Thank you. Hey, you didn’t have a hard on there, did you?
No, sorry. Can’t do that.
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
And we thank you for it in Jesus’ name. Amen. Thank you for being Christ-like and not just Christian.
Thank you.
Okay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, my wallet. (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How’re you doing, Bill? God bless you.
BILL: Hi.
Seen you around.
Welcome to our world. (LAUGHS)
I’ve seen you around.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
That… Thank you. That’s the way we need to be with religion. Not condescending, but also, it’s the 21st century. Enough is enough with interpreting every random event as a DM from heaven.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
There’s a kind of person in this world who loves to see signs in everything, never asking why, if God has something to communicate to us, he doesn’t just fucking say it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) He’s God, for God’s sakes. Why show up in a flapjack? Or…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Or a frying pan? Or…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
…a Walmart receipt?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And don’t get me started on the dog’s ass. I mean…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
BILL: It does look like that.
I can see it. I can see it, I didn’t see it at first.
BILL: It really does. No, just say it. What’s with drop… (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What’s with dropping… Okay with the dog’s ass! You…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What’s with dropping clues? You know, he makes statues cry. He makes clouds look like stuff. He puts rainbows in the sky. I mean, not anymore since the gays stole it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
The people who see angels in flags are the same people who saw a cross of steel beams in the rubble of the World Trade Center. Because after he kills you, God likes to leave a calling card, like a serial killer.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
People see signs because they want to see them. It’s why stalkers think Taylor Swift is blinking “marry me” to them in Morse code.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But it gets dangerous when the signs make someone think God is on their side. Republican Congressman Mike Collins said after the shooting, “God spared Ronald Reagan for a reason. God spared Donald Trump for a reason. God doesn’t miss.” Really? Tell that to John Lennon, Lincoln, JFK, RFK, and Martin Luther King. Look, the asshole who shot at Trump was cowardly, unpatriotic, selfish, vile, and weak, and he should rot in hell. But thinking that God protects your heroes but not mine, that isn’t cool either.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
MAGA Nation, because they are religious by nature and given to magical thinking, have been trending towards demigod worship for a while now. The shirts and flags and posters depicting Trump the Redeemer, the crosses and religious imagery that were heavy in the crowd on January 6th. But Trump didn’t survive the attempt on his life because of divine intervention. He survived because a virgin couldn’t hit the fattest president since Taft.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
And I’m…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And again, make no mistake, I’m glad he couldn’t. But Trump is alive because he’s the single luckiest motherfucker who ever lived.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
His whole life… His whole life is a string of you gotta be fucking kidding me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just this week, the judge overseeing the case of him stealing classified documents threw the whole thing out. Of course, she did. That’s always the way it goes for Trump. He inherited 413 million dollars from his dad, lost it all, and used the write-off to never pay taxes again. His only form of exercise is eating.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But he’s somehow stronger than ever at 78. Meanwhile, Richard Simmons, dead at 76.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And now he’s running against an incumbent president who’s a gentle breeze away from death.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
And then there’s the guy– Then there’s the guy who shot at Trump, McLovin from the movie Superbad.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Look, I fervently hope that nobody ever shoots at Trump or any candidate, but if you have to have someone do it, it’s kind of lucky to have it be the world’s biggest loser. And it all just makes religious-minded people see Trump as something preterhuman now, when in reality, he puts his pants on one leg at a time after sex with a porn star.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
You want to vote for him? Fine. But don’t pray to him. He’s already all in on being godlike. He said this week, “The doctor at the hospital called it a miracle. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be dead.” Yeah, so is Dick Cheney, but karma isn’t cooperating, and karma isn’t a thing.
New Rule: MAGA’s Magical Thinking | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO) – YouTube
