Real Time with Bill Maher
Season 22 – Episode 22
Original air date: July 12, 2024
* * *
And finally, New Rule. Stop fucking around. The issue with President Biden isn’t “if,” it’s “who.” Who will replace him because he is not going to be the Democrats’ candidate for president in 2024.
All due respect.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Above any matters of politics or what’s right or wrong, the one thing I know for sure about America is this.
It’s run by mean girls.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Mean girls in the press and in politics and in life. And when they smell blood in the water, the lust to finish off a vulnerable person will never be denied.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Biden is toast. The walls will keep crumbling. And my pick in the office pool for when he gives it up is August 9th, the 50th anniversary of when Nixon did. For, of course, very different reasons. Yes, replacing a president as his party’s candidate this late will seem like a big deal.
For about three days.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And then we’ll all be over it. It’ll be like when a coworker gets her tits done.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS) (BILL MAHER CLEARS THROAT) Yeah. At first, it’s, “Oh, my God!”
And a week later, they’re just her tits.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
America is going to do this. We’re going to get new tits.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
So, let’s start handicapping the candidates. I just want to be your guide here and tell you what the choices are. Kamala Harris, vice president, will get all of Biden’s campaign money. And on the Democrats’ best issue, abortion, she’s a walking reminder to women that Republicans are coming for the abortion pill. She won’t just protect Plan B. She is Plan B.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) And as a former prosecutor, Kamala was putting criminals in jail back before liberals decided that was a bad thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS) And now, that CVS is locking the shaving cream behind plexiglass, Democrats are coming around to her again.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Harris would be the first woman president, first Black woman president, and first Asian president. But I don’t vote for who will be the first. I vote for who will win. And for whatever reason, Harris has never been popular. You can count the number of delegates she won in the 2020 primaries on one hand, as long as that hand has no fingers.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS)
(BILL CLEARS THROAT) In three years as vice president, she’s been quieter than an electric car. And–
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And like an electric car, your MAGA Uncle can’t explain why she fills him with homicidal rage.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She just does. Sometimes life isn’t fair. It’s not fair that she’s not popular. She’s intelligent and accomplished and, in fact, was put in charge of the border. And look at how…
Okay, bad example.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Gavin Newsom is the governor of California, home to 12 percent of all Americans and 50 percent of all Mexicans.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING) On the upside, Newsom is the only governor, with the possible exception of Kristi Noem, who looks like they could do porn.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS) And at six foot three and 215 pounds, he’s actually the height and weight Trump claims to be.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING)
I don’t want to say… (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I don’t want to say he really, really wants to be the guy who steps in if the current nominee goes down, but he gets an alert on his phone every time Biden can’t think of a word.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
The downside is that Governor of California is kind of like being conservator for Britney Spears.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS) They’ll attack him on California’s homeless problem, but there’s a response to that. The homeless can live anywhere, but they choose California.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Yes. (LAUGHS)
(BEN SHAPIRO LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES) Nine out of ten machete-wielding meth addicts say they wouldn’t be unhoused anywhere else.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS) Of course, the knock on Gavin has always been that he’s slick. Yeah, you know what? I’m okay with that. I notice slick is something no one has been accusing Biden of lately.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you want good at talking or don’t you?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Newsom is the best communicator in the party with a history of standing up to bullies, and his name lends itself to the best slogan since “I Like Ike.” “I’m Havin’ Gavin!”
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Gretchen Whitmer is a very attractive choice. High profile female governor who owns dogs but doesn’t shoot them.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS) Polls show Whitmer would beat Trump in the must-win swing state she governs, Michigan. And she’s a pragmatist who told the Detroit Free Press, “I want to get shit done.” And has, building up a string of victories on increasing wages, universal background checks, expanding health care, legalizing weed, and protecting abortion rights and gay rights. No wonder rednecks tried to kidnap her.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
And bonus points for this. Voters who don’t yet know her will think she already was president because of all the TV shows where the president was played by an actress who looks just like Gretchen Whitmer.
(BEN LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Pete Buttigieg. Wow. Impressive. Impressive. Fought in Afghanistan. Came in third among Democrats for the nomination in 2020. Is a Rhodes Scholar, former mayor. And now, he’s the secretary of transportation. And he’s only ten years old.
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(CHUCKLES) But unlike Biden, he’s allowed to stay up past eight p.m.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And he’s perfect… (LAUGHS) And he’s perfect for the moment, because as our transportation secretary, Pete has experience cleaning up train wrecks.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And he has the balls to go on Fox News, although it’s no secret that he brings something that makes Fox conservatives very uncomfortable. Facts.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
(CLEARS THROAT) For our liberals, Pete checks the gay best friend box, and he’s… (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And he speaks eight languages, which is eight more than Trump.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
Yeah. And his worst scandal was taking too much time off when he had a baby. But if Trump brings that up, Pete can always say, “I forget, where were you when Melania was home nursing Barron?”
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
Okay, finally, there’s this. Thirty-seven percent of our presidents were governors first. The Democratic Party has all these very capable, popular, progressive, but not stupid woke governors. Wes Moore, Andy Beshear, Josh Shapiro, Jared Polis, J.B. Pritzker, Tom Claymore. Okay, I made up Tom Claymore.
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But that’s because it’s important to understand no one knows who these people are, and that’s good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We need some new characters on this sitcom we call a country.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Yeah. Americans like new. And these guys, all you need to know is they’re moderates, they’re under a hundred years old, and they have a…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
…and they have a “D” next to their name. Sure, it would be fun and probably a winner if Michelle Obama ran, but she’s off living her best life.
We’re not gonna get a superstar.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We’re not gonna get a superstar in this draft. We’re at the airport, and at this point, we just need to be sure we get the last rental car.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Something reasonably safe, relatively clean, and not Trump. If there isn’t a dead girl scout in the trunk, we’re good to go.
New Rule: Bye Bye Biden | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO) (youtube.com)
