BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM D.C. (2014) – Full Transcript

In this special with Bill Maher, the political commentator and satirist discusses midterm elections, income inequality, the Republican psyche, a Trump lawsuit, why the Pope is an atheist and why tattoos are stupid.

Broadcast live on September 12, 2014 from the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C.

* WOMAN: At the tone, the time will be…
KEITH OLBERMANN: From the Warner Theatre… [Audience cheering] In Washington, It’s “Bill Maher, Live from D.C.” [Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here in the balcony. And I am Michael Moore. Welcome, everyone. Moments ago… How’s it going? Moments ago, Bill Maher finished the first part Of this marathon, His first part of his Lollapalooza here With the completion of the first part Of the two-hour live, live extravaganza, Michael. Yes, and we’re going to follow Bill for The next 5 minutes, hopefully only 5 minutes. He’s over in Chinatown, across town here, And he’s getting in his dressing room right now. He’s going to change clothes, Getting into some more casual clothes for his standup. Has he gone into the room yet there? The door is closed. Bill is in there right now. The door is… Bill is in there. He’s in there right now. The door is always closed, I know, From Bill’s rules. Well, having been on the show a few times, I can tell you what he’s doing right now. Well, tell me what he’s doing right now, Michael. He’s lathering And then rinsing and then repeating, And then lathering and rinsing And repeating again. He is a very clean individual.
What part of the body are you talking about, Michael?
Well, his… well, listen, all I can hope for is That there’s a surveillance camera in there, so that we can Turn the tape over to Commissioner Goodell after the show. [Cheering and applause]
Or not, as the case may be. The moments of preparation that are going into it… We’re seeing something unprecedented In comedy tonight, Michael. We’re seeing a man trying to be funny For an hour in one theater, and then stopping the funny, Then getting into a car with a motorcade, Going through Washington, and then trying to resume being funny later on. This has not been attempted, we believe, Since, uh, what was it? It was Archduke Ferdinand… In Sarajevo in 1932. Yes, yes.
And then repeated again for 8 years during the George W. Bush administration here, so… You know, he’s still in the room. Keith, he’s still in the room. I don’t know what’s going on there. What is the penalty for delay… oh, here we comes! And he’s out of the room. Here he comes out. He’s all dressed. He’s ready to go. He’s on his way! He’s on his way to the Warner Theatre here! All right.
Look at him! Man, and he is fit! Look at that man go. And they’re not gonna get him… Wait, wait, Keith. I think he got dressed a little too quickly. It does not look like Bill is wearing his protective cup. [Audience laughter]
Well, I hope nobody was looking for that, by the way, Michael. But he’s off. Here comes the motorcade. That’s right, more…
Look at this! He’s got a police… he’s got a police escort! Look at this! How does… You know, normal politicians of this town, They have to just settle for, like, regular escorts. Mm-hmm. This guy has got a police escort. Clearly, the million dollars he gave to Barack Obama has paid off here tonight. Nobody can travel through Washington, D.C., this fast. Look at this. This is, once again, your tax dollars in action.
[Laughter] This is just amazing. Wait a minute. Are those real cops or are those actors that have been hired?
I think I see an HBO logo where it should say “Police.” Yeah. Heh! Well, they are the same thing in this jurisdiction, HBO and the police department.
They’re coming up to the National Gallery There, folks, if you know Washington, D.C., The beautiful National Gallery With all of our fine art works. [Applause]
The route… we should mention this, Michael… They’re headed down towards this, uh, What’s it called again? Pencil… He’s gonna go to… yeah, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue right now. There will be a turn there.
I think he’s going to go right. If he goes left, We’re going to have about an hour and a half to fill. [Laughter]
I just got word from the control room That Haley Barbour has just killed a man Backstage just to watch him die. [Laughter] We cannot confirm this yet, but, uh, But actually, before the show, we did see… The people didn’t see this on the air… But Nancy Pelosi was tackled by Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. It was pretty gruesome.
Well, to get back to what we see… Oh, here we go now. Here they come. There’s our Capitol! That’s it. I know that building. It’s open. They, uh, they don’t… They only have the… That’s the wax museum, right?
They never close down. The… the turn they made… There’s a Popeyes there now. They got a Popeyes in the basement. They want past the new… How would you know about the… They went past the… How would we know? They went past the Newseum, which, of course, is The newest monument in Washington to… Back in that time when we used to have news. Yes, I remember that. That, uh, they’re on their way. Here they come now. Now, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue, Actually heading toward the White House, which… we’re down near The White House, and by the way, Keith, This is the 200th anniversary this month Of the British burning down the White House. Little-known fact… They asked their Canadian regiment of the British Army to do the burning of the White House. The Canadians, being, of course, great comedians forever… True story… they went across the Potomac into Virginia, freed some slaves, and asked them if they would like To do the honors of striking the match, And that’s exactly what happened. And now we’ve lost the signal… there we go. Now we’re back. We’re back on.
Oh, there he is. There’s Bill. Where? Where is he? Oh, well… he may be On one of the motorcycles. What is he… They’re going by the FBI Building right now. The J. Edgar Hoover. Oh, dear. Wait a minute. Oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, no! What’s going on in the street? There’s a Boy Scout helping an old lady across the street! Oh, no! We’ve got to get this show started! They’ve stopped the motorcade! The motorcade is stopped. The old lady seems to be terrified. What is she ter… she sees some smoke coming out of a crack In the window from the back seat. Tell her not to worry. All right, we’re going to… I don’t know what we’re going to do about this. What’s our plan here? Have you ever done standup before? No. I… I’ve… This is… we’re live right now on HBO. And this is… Wait, wait, wait! The car is opening. Oh, no! Bill is run… He’s left the car! He’s left the car and is running to the Warner Theatre! Look at this man go! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! The humanity! Look at… look at this! Where’d he go? We’ve lost him!
Michael… Here he is! Bill Maher has gone rogue.
We’re gonna have to do the show, Keith. We’ve lost… wait a minute. There he is. There, way in the back. See him, everybody? Here he comes! There he is. Look at him go. [Cheering and applause] Look at the power in those thighs. Would you say he’s a bantamweight or a featherweight? Actually, kind of a cross, kind of a half-bantam, half… Sort of a phantomweight, I would say. Look at… man, this guy can run. He can move. Oh, he’s coming in! He’s getting ready to come in the building here. Oh, my God.
Well… Wait a minute! Are we in trouble if ISIS is watching this? [Laughter] You know, actually, Bill used to date a woman named Isis, But we won’t go into that. Well, yeah. All right, everyone, here he comes! Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, my God! Take it over, Keith! [Cheering and applause]
KEITH: The final powdering. The insertion of some extra-funny funny words That he’s been using exclusively, like “boobs.”
MICHAEL: Look at this.
BILL: There’s water up there, right? Yeah.
KEITH: A little water.
MICHAEL: They’re talking to him.
BILL: OK. They’re going to have to cut his eye. Giving him the microphone. The moment is nearly here, Michael.
* WOMAN: At the tone…
MICHAEL: Here we go!
KEITH: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Bill Maher! [Cheering and applause]

* Thank you. Thank you. Ay, ay, ay. That was a… [Cheering and applause] Thank you very much. There was an old lady and a Boy Scout in the middle of the street. I had to run 3 blocks at breakneck speed. Oh, thank God I’m white. [Laughter] Oh, but thank you. Heh! Thank you for hanging out here. [Cheering and applause] Now it’s your turn. Are you all Washingtonians, are you excited about what’s going on in this town?
Really? ‘Cause what’s going on in this town? Nothing. Now, in the country, there’s elections coming up. Are you going to vote in the midterm elections? [Cheering and applause] Really? Wow. See, the problem… [Person yells] What’s that? The problem is that the liberal base, You know, doesn’t show up for the midterms. Well, maybe you do. [Laughter] But mostly they don’t, you know. Each party has their base. You know this. Liberals have women, minorities, younger people. Conservatives have, uh… [Person yells] Uh… [Laughter] People who make sighing noises when they get up. That’s who they have. People buying gold from Glenn Beck. That’s… Heh heh! The Rascal scooter crowd. Here’s a sad fact about America. Do you know that most people who have Rascal scooters do not need them? They just hit 60 and went, “Fuck it, I’m done walking.” It’s true. Heh!
And, of course, the other reason why it’s going to be tough for the Democrats is ’cause, as usual, The Democrats are running away from something good that they did. [Person yells] Now… let me finish. [Laughter and applause] I ran 3 blocks. Let me do it. [Cheering and applause] [Bill chuckles] No, they gave people health care, which is a good thing. They should own it. [Cheering and applause] But Democrats always get so intimidated whenever Republicans act like drama queens, which, of course, is always. Everything is always the end of the universe. They’re always shitting in their overalls that… President Blackenstein has done something… Outrageous and unpresiden… “He’s declared himself a king!” Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, he’s using executive action, which every president has done, of course, But when he does it, oh, my God, he’s Dracula Crossed with Hitler times lung cancer.

Ted Cruz, the patient zero for the dysfunction in this town. [Cheering and applause] I swear to God, this year he said, uh, “This year, Senate Democrats “Will be voting on a constitutional amendment to repeal the First Amendment.” [Laughter] I know. Exactly. Really, Ted, no one would vote on such a thing, but listening to you talk, it is tempting.
Now, what is making right-wingers crazy these days is that not only did America elect a black president, It went ahead and re-elected a black president. This is my little pet theory About why they’re crazy. I mean, the first time, they didn’t like it, but they were like, “Well, everybody experiments.” [Chuckles] Now they’re like, “Oh, shit!” What if that once-you-go-black thing is true?” [Bill chuckles] “What if it turns out the coloreds is good at presidentin’?” And I think the coloreds is good at presidenting. I do. And I think I know why. Because I think, When you grow up black in America, You have to learn how to be patient with stupid white people. [Cheering and applause] And, folks, That is a lot of what government is, no matter what color you are… Being patient with stupid white people. Do you ever see Obama when he comes out of a meeting With Mitch McConnell and… John Boehner, These mental giants he has to work with? And he always tries to put a positive spin on it, Praises them whenever it’s at all appropriate, He gently criticizes when it’s absolutely necessary. It’s like watching a really good special-ed teacher. It is. [Applause]

Heh! Things are so bad politization-wise in this town. Michelle Obama this year came out… I think just to test the Republicans… Came out for drinking more water… Just to see if they would come out against water… [Laughter] And they did. Predictably, they did. I mean, we should have seen this coming because Michelle Obama’s First Lady project… You know, in America, we don’t elect women leaders, Like 80 other countries have done. We have first ladies, and we give ’em A little First Lady project. “What’s your project, First Lady? “Beautify America. Isn’t that wonderful, folks? “She’s going to beautify America. “Thank you, First Lady. That’s terrific. “What about you, Laura B…? Oh, literacy.” Who could be against that? And right in this… [Person yells] What?
Her husband! [Laughter, cheering, and applause]
Ha ha! Right, I do this whole thing in another show, but that’s What you explode in applause for. And we wonder why we have a bad government. Anyway… Um… heh heh! No, I mean, that’s what we do. We give the little project to the First Lady because We pat them on the head, and Michelle Obama picked Getting the kids in better shape, which is right in this tradition, not controversial. Just saying, “Hey, kids”, “Don’t eat lard for lunch every day and… Get a little more exercise.” Well, on the right, you would have thought she farted in Jesus’ face. “Fuck you, black lady, tellin’ me how to raise my kids. Fuck you. That’s my freedom right there you’re…” “I will raise a brood of lethargic, poisoned blimps If I want to.” “Those aren’t our fat cells, those are freedom cells, you…” It’s always freedom with these people…

But, you know… But I’m telling you, it’s not logical with them. What’s blowing their minds is that they got their ass kicked twice! [Cheering and applause] Twice! They were so upset about this that after the last one, They did an autopsy. Their word. I’m not being snarky. That was their word… autopsy. These are people who don’t do introspection a lot, But their minds were blown. They had to find out, “How could we have lost twice to Cedric the Entertainer?” [Laughter] Heh! So they literally made a list of things it could have been. One was, “Maybe our ideas suck.” No. They got rid of that, like, in an hour. Before lunch, they threw that one away. “Are you kidding? Our ideas are fuckin’ awesome.” Who would not want to vote for an agenda of protecting insurance companies from sick children… Thinking up new places to take a gun… And naming buildings after Ronald Reagan? I mean, if that’s not the perfect prescription… OK, so it couldn’t have been that. So they went to the second thing it might have been… “Maybe the last two times, We had flawed candidates.” No. Oh, please. Mitt Romney and John McCain, flawed? I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. I… OK, first, the world’s oldest man… [Laughter] Chooses the world’s stupidest woman. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] And you’re saying that’s flawed? And then, Mitt Romney? I can’t believe I was so scared That Mitt Romney was going to be president That a million dollars flew right out of my pocket. What? What the hell happened that day? [Cheering and applause] But… heh heh!… Money well spent. I’ll tell you something, Mitt Romney, if nothing else, Taught me about Republicans, because here’s the thing you have to understand about Republicans. They’re not logical. It’s all happening in the gut with them. It is. I mean, logically they don’t exist. They’re a crazy patchwork of Jesus freaks and gun nuts And generic, obese suburbanites And the super-rich, but… But what they all have in common is this belief that life in America was perfect in Appleton, Wisconsin, in 1958… Before there were gay marriage or regulations or recycling or certain types of light bulbs you had to buy Or “Dora the Explorer” and… And, you know, on that level, Mitt Romney is the perfect candidate. That’s the one thing he’s sincere about, The one thing that’s authentic about him. He is a 1950s sitcom dad. All Mormons are. They’re all… Even the women are 1950s sitcom dads. Mitt Romney legitimately eats meatloaf and he tells knock-knock jokes And he says “darn” and “dern” when he’s really pissed off, and he fucks the same woman quietly in the dark decade after decade. Why? Because he loves freedom. [Person yells] OK, stop yelling out. I promise what I have is better. Stop. [Cheering and applause] People are watching this at home. Ha ha ha! Now, these are the same people who are always… you know, it’s always about the freedom and “I want my country back.” “Country back”? You know what, assholes? I travel this country. Almost every weekend. I wish it had gone somewhere. It hasn’t. I wish Obama had transformed it With his magic Kenyan wand, but it’s still The same Kentucky-fried place it ever has been. But I’m telling you… drama queens, you know, during one of the Obama scandals, one of the many scandals that “A”… aren’t scandals, And “B”… Obama had about as much to do with as Michele Bachmann had to do with mapping the human genome… But… during the IRS scandal, A Republican Congressman said, “Is this still America?” [Sighs dramatically] Oh, it’s always a Mexican soap opera with these people. You know what? Yeah, I think it is still America. I think when the IRS looks a little more into groups with names like Fuck The IRS, It’s still America. But they love to make these assertions backed up by nothing. They love to say, for example, “Obama is the most radical president we’ve ever had.” ‘Cause, you know, they’re the ones who know history so well. Michele Bachmann once said, “Thank God for the founding fathers, who worked tirelessly until they eradicated slavery.” I was at the Lincoln Memorial today. Nothing in there now. Just it’s… Rick Perry could not place the correct century for the American Revolution. He thought it happened in the 1500s. Rick… Sweetheart, come on. 1776. There’s a musical by this name. People sing it. Mexicans know this date. Children know this date. Everybody knows, when Jesus sat down to write the Constitution, it was in 1776. That’s the year the British stole the Wright brothers’ plane And flew it into Uncle Tom’s cabin. We all know our history. [Chuckles] Not the 1500s. Fuck. That’s when Washington crossed the Danube… To blow up that abortion clinic. No. No, I made that part up, but…

Sarah Palin… [Audience groaning] Who’s carrying my baby… [Cheering and laughter] Let me finish! Sarah Palin once said that Paul Revere made his ride to warn the British… She said this… About the Second Amendment 11 years before it was written, So I think when they say he’s the most radical president we’ve ever had, what they mean is he’s black, OK? This is… this is the word that sticks in their throat. They are dying to say it every minute! “He’s black! Does nobody see this?!” “There’s a black family eating off the White House china, “And nobody… ” But they can’t say that, so they’re always calling him a terrorist or a communist or an Afro-communist, the loud tribesman, And every euphemism. Newt Gingrich always calls him “the food stamp president.” Nothing racist there. Wink, wink. “I’m just saying that when the first black president became president, “All he wanted to do was walk through the ghetto, passing out food stamps. “I’m just say… nothing… when he wasn’t selling crack, obviously, or throwing dice behind the Dumpster at Popeyes chicken.” Those are the goals he had, but nothing racist.
I mean, first of all, can you imagine taking moral advice from Newt Gingrich? A man who left his first wife when she got cancer… People know this… Left his second wife when she got MS, and they write about that. But I think the deeper question is, How come, when Newt Gingrich fucks you… [Laughter] You get very, very sick? I think we should look into that first. [Cheering and applause] So you know what? They can deny all they want that there’s something racial going on here, But there is a kind of “in your face” disrespect for this president I’ve never seen anywhere else. Heckling him at the State of the Union. [Applause] “You lie!” Remember that guy? The governor of Arizona sticking her finger in his face, Bill O’Reilly interrupting him every two seconds. People don’t do that to presidents. There was a Republican Congressman who said, “I cannot stand to be in the same room with him.” You know, they hated Clinton. They didn’t say that about him, and his come was on the furniture.

So I… I think there’s something racial going on, Which is not to say that liberals can’t be stupid about race, too, but at least their stupidity comes from niceness. You know, they’re too sensitive. I just say the word “race,” and I can feel the sphincters tightening… Which is silly!
Like, if I say… And I’ve said this before and I’ve gotten booed… That I think tattoos¬†look stupid on black people. [Scattered applause] Right. It’s not racist. I just can’t make out what it is. I mean, “Is that a rose or a baby’s head on that?” I just can’t…” That’s not racist, and honestly, I don’t think tattoos look good on anybody. [Cheering and applause] Especially… Especially the ones in writing. Really? You couldn’t just remember that? “Only the strong survive.” Yeah, you know. A Post-It note on the refrigerator. Is there anybody walking around, “Oh, I wish I could remember what my philosophy of life is.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Thank you, arm!” Ha ha ha! “You really saved my ass! “Say thank you to the ass. “Oh, look, I got one back there, too. Oh, shit, it’s in Chinese.” I can’t wait for the people who have the Chinese symbol to someday get that translated: “Enjoy the dog meat, whitey.” You know, that’s what it probably says.

But I tell you something, of all the racists I think In the Republican party, you know who the worst one is? Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Yes, and I’ll tell you why. [Cheering and applause] Donald Trump sued me last year for $5 million. Do you know this? Yes! 5… And here’s how this came about. Donald Tru… heh heh! Donald Trump. Donald Trump thinks [As Donald Trump] we have a feud… [Regular voice] because he won’t do my show. As if I could give a fuck if that moron did my show. We have a feud because he became a presidential candidate. Now you’re on my turf. And not just a presidential candidate, a one-issue candidate… All about how Obama was illegitimate as a president. Remember, he was sending his investigators [As Donald Trump] to Hawaii… Who were finding amazing things? [Regular voice] Yeah, like the price of the Mai Tais in the hotel bar and, “What an idiot our boss is” To send us here on an expense account.” Amazing things. Yeah, we’re still waiting for those results. Anyway, so after Obama releases his long-form birth certificate, Trump goes to, “Well, now I want to see his college records.” You know, ’cause a black guy getting into college? Something fishy about that, all right? So he offers the President of the United States… Real class… $5 million to release his college records, so I offered Donald Trump… Yes, on the air… $5 million if he could prove that he was not the love child of his mother and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Wait. Heh heh heh! Not… Not for no reason because we showed with pictures that there are only two things in nature that have that exact same color hair… Donald Trump and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter] And this dummy releases his birth certificate and sues me and goes to the press and turns what was a one-night, one-joke gag into a three-month national debate over whether his mother fucked an ape. [Laughter] He is not a bright man. So… [Chuckles] I am not going to say another word about Donald Trump. All right. I’m going to say one more thing about Donald Trump. No, no. One more thing. But it’s not even really about him. I’m just using him to ask a moral question. Are you ready for a moral question? [Applause] You sound like a great crowd. Are you ready for a moral question?
Great. Here it is. It’s 1956. You’re in the locker room at Penn State. [Soft laughter] You see a 10-year-old Donald Trump walking into the showers with Jerry Sandusky. Do you save Jerry? A moral question, ladies and gentlemen. [Chuckles]
Now, look, I tell you something, I understand why Donald Trump votes Republican. I understand why anyone in the top 1% of wage earners Votes Republican. They represent you perfectly. Anybody else who votes Republican are Just one of corporate America’s useful idiots. [Applause] It’s true. I mean, we’ve seen the people at the Tea Party rallies. They’re not wealthy. How come their agenda is exactly the same as the Koch brothers’? How come in their mind the problem with our economy is not banks that are too big to fail or CEOs That make 500 times what the average worker makes or lobbyists who write the laws, literally? No, the problem with our economy is poor people hoarding money. [Laughter] The takers! If there’s one thing that drives Republicans nuts! I mean, obviously, other than the scourge of voter fraud. Don’t… don’t get me started on that. But this other thing that drives them nuts, it’s the takers. The 47%. Remember them? The 47% of them who don’t pay any income taxes. Just mooching off the federal tit. Sucking on the tit of… “Get off my tits, you… My tits are sore from you people sucking on my tits so much.”

This is why they hate Obamacare. They see it as just another giveaway. You subsidize one kid’s inhaler, Every kid is going to think breathing is an entitlement. [Laughter] “That’s not blood you’re coughing up, Billy. That’s freedom.” [Laughter] But, of course, the problem with Obamacare is not too much socialism. It’s still too much capitalism. You know, every other big-boy country in the w… [Audience member whistles, others applaud] Thank you, liberals. [Cheering and applause] Every other big-boy country in the world has figured this out, That you can have 90% of the economy. Just certain things should not be left to the profit motive, like health care, like people living and dying… Like prisons should not be for-profit, And they are in this country. Education should not be for profit. Elections should not be for profit. Wars. Halliburton shouldn’t be making a killing Making a killing. [Applause] But on the Right, there is this perverse view that the free market is always the perfect answer for everything. And government… [blows raspberry] “Government! Government should only do three things… Bomb Arabs, pay farmers not to grow corn…” [Laughter] “And name buildings after Ronald Reagan.” That’s always a winner, isn’t it? [Chuckles] You know this.

No, I just want to know from the Republicans, how do they do it? How do they get struggling and working-class people to vote for them? [Woman yells] What is it? [Woman yells again] Again, the…
MAN: Jesus. Yeah. OK, you run with that. [Laughter] [Man yelling] No. Actually…
MAN: ribbon cutting…
BILL: What’s that?
MAN: your vow to kick Donald Trump’s ass at the Post Office Pavilion Ribbon cutting.
WOMAN: We love you, Bill Maher. [Cheering and applause]
BILL: I’m so glad that my HBO special has turned into a Tea Party rally. [Laughter and applause] Hopefully, the difference is we have security. No, it’s ironic because Obama’s slogan was Hope, And I think what the Republicans always sell is Hope and the word they use is “soon.” I notice they use that all the time. After the State of the Union last time, the Republican rebuttal, the guy said, “You know”, “Democrats are always talking about haves and have-nots. “That’s not how we see it in the Republican party. We see haves and soon-to-haves.” [Laughter] Fuck you. This is so cynical. This holding out the carrots. “I’m going to be the next one. Soon for me!” It’s pathetic. It’s like the way my dog looks at me in the car, like, “Tomorrow you’ll let me drive?” [Laughter]

The senator from Florida, Marco Rubio, in his stump speech, He always says, “When Americans drive through a wealthy neighborhood, they’re not jealous. They look at those fine houses and they say, ‘Congratulations. We’ll be joining you soon.'” You know what, other than winning the lottery, What path is there for the nurse, you know, or the fireman, the cop, all the people we say are our heroes? The soldier. What path is there for them to be joining you soon in the mansion on the hill? I happen to know this one is bullshit Because for whatever reason, when I was a kid, my father used to like to drive through wealthy neighborhoods, Like, you know, when the Christmas lights were up. I never once heard that we would be joining them soon. [Laughter] This never came up in the car. He just liked to look. It’s like we went to the zoo. He didn’t think he was going to be a rhinoceros. He just wanted to look at it. [Applause] [Chuckles]

It’s funny also the way that people who hate socialism so much are the first ones online for government giveaways. Tea Party people love Medicare. They love Social Security. It’s perks. That’s what government is. It’s giving people free shit, and people love free shit. Every government does it, including the Republicans. Bush did it. Remember the prescription drug program for the elderly? It wasn’t needed. They were getting their drugs through Medicare, but, you know, it’s a vote getter. [As George W. Bush] “Hey, here are some free drugs. Have a drug…” You know, Viagra had just come out, So, “Hey, have a boner on Bush. What do you think about that?” [Laughter] “Hey, remember me on election day,” “Won’t you, folks?” “I’m the guy who gave you that boner… George Bush…” [Regular voice] Really.

That’s all it is, perks. Same as religion, by the way. Religion is also perks. Those perks are just better because, you know, you’re selling an invisible product, so… You know, really… Nobody ever came back from heaven and gave it a bad Yelp review. [Applause] “Oh, I was expecting so much more. What a disappointment after all the hype.” No. Ha ha! Now, people know this about me, I’m not an especially religious person, but, um… [Laughter] No, it’s true. That is true about me.
But I got to say, I kind of like this Pope Frank. First of all, he’s just a lot more… [Applause] Cosmopolitan than every pope. You know, he’s from Argentina. He was a Jesuit. His real name is Jorge Bergoglio. Sounds like an expensive pair of shoes, doesn’t it? “Hey, look at these Jorge Bergoglios. They’re, like, 850 bucks.” And, also, I love it that, you know, he doesn’t take this shit too seriously. You know, a couple of months ago, this woman called up the Vatican and said that she wanted to take Communion again and they wouldn’t let her because she was divorced and remarried, which I remember is a big no-no in the Catholic church. And the Pope actually called her back and said, “Yeah, go ahead.” He did. He was like, “Ah, just… fuck it… and do it. “You know what? Just fucking do it. They got a lot of rules around here, but just do it.” I mean, he’s like that. The first pronouncement he made when he became Pope, He said atheists can go to heaven. And we were like, “Well, we don’t believe in it, “But it’s a nice gesture. We appreciate that.” And trust me, when he said that, The other dudes in the Vatican were like, “Oh, we got to prepare the poison now. This guy is just off message.” And he is. He is the Joe Biden of Catholicism. He really is. [Applause]
A couple of months in, he said, “We shouldn’t judge gays.” [Cheering] And the Vatican people were like, “What?!” “What are you talking about? That’s what we do here, gays judging gays. That’s our whole thing.” [Laughter and applause] So… [Cheering]

Now, how about my man, John Paul II, becoming a saint this year? [Faint applause] Oh, you people are so jaded. You know what? This is big. This is sainthood, baby. OK, let me tell you, let me school you on what goes on in the Catholic church. To become a saint, you need two confirmed miracles. Confirmed. No bullshit. [Laughter] I love the Catholic church. I love the way they take their own shit so seriously, the bullshit they invented. And then they’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s serious.” [Laughter] So here’s what happened. John Paul II died in 2005. Remember, Bush went to the funeral. Oh, it was like his best day in office. He was like a kid at the circus. He fucking loved it. It was like… [As George W. Bush] “Oh, nobody is answering any hard questions about me, and there’s other world leaders here and a dead Christian guy and there’s colors and pageantry.” [Regular voice] He was in heaven. OK. Ha ha! So he dies in 2005. Got his first miracle in 2007, Which is, like, ridiculously early, but I knew he could do it. And when he got that one, I fucking called it. I predicted… I said he is going to drop another miracle within five years, And he fucking did it. He got his second. You know what the second miracle was? I am not making this up… A brain-sick peasant in Costa Rica prayed to the dead Pope to get better and did! [Laughter and applause] Doesn’t get any more confirmed than that, OK, people? One thing happened, and then another thing happened. It’s called science. Look it up on the Google. [Chuckles]

But you know what, the silver lining in this is that millennials… not religious. They just did a survey. Millennials… So much less religious Than any other generation we’ve ever had in America. And people talk all the time… [Applause] about how the Republicans have a problem with women, which they do, of course, and they have a problem with minorities, which they do. But what they don’t talk about is They have a problem with young people Because the Republican party gets more religious And the young people get less. In the last Pew survey… Get this… 48% of Republicans said evolution is a lie. 22% said Obama is or very well might be the Antichrist. Like that’s a thing. [Laughter]
Here’s a great one from that poll. 44% said Obama will “Find a way to stay in office after 2017.” [Laughter] Wow. That is full-on “eat a paint chip” nuts. [Laughter] “Find a way.”
Here’s a great one… 41% of Republicans think Benghazi was the worst scandal in American history. Second worst was when Kanye West grabbed the mike from Taylor Swift, obviously. Second worst day, but… Yes, they are… so obsessed with Benghazi. They want to know whether it was planned, like Pearl Harbor, Or unplanned, like a Palin pregnancy. [Laughter] If you watch Fox News, it is Benghazi 24/7. Here’s what happened in their Fox News mind… in their bubble. Here’s what happened when the shit started to go down in Benghazi. They called up Obama… Not his real name. His real name is a series of African clicking sounds. [Clicks tongue] That’s his name. So… They called up President… [Clicking tongue] Wait. Let me… Let me get this. Ooh. Ha ha! [Clicking tongue] That’s his name. They called up that guy, but he was praying to Mecca, so he couldn’t take the call. So then they called up Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Who took the call but said, “I don’t care if Americans are dying. I’m having lesbian sex. Now, go away and bring me another big plate of pussy.” That’s what she said. Here’s one. Ha ha!

Here’s one. You probably could guess this one that I love from the poll of Republicans. 45% of Republicans think that Obama is probably not a real American because he “feels foreign.” “Feels foreign.” Well, you know what, to me, John Boehner feels female. [Laughter] He does. He… ha ha! He wears a lot of bronzer. You know, he gets teary over nothing. I’m always like, “This guy is tanned, rested, and hormonal”, for crying out loud.” Is he the speaker of the House or the mother of the bride? [Laughter]

Maybe that’s the source of the Republican problem with women because they sure do have a problem with women. You know that Obama beat Mitt Romney among single women 67-31. Those numbers you don’t often see in American politics. That is a very clear message, and the message is, “Get off me.” Oh, women must be so tired of Republican Congress people being medical supergeniuses about their vagina. It’s… [Applause] Let’s switch it up for a while and hear what gynecologists have to say About the national debt, shall we? I mean, when did this start in America That everybody gets to weigh in On women’s private reproductive issues? Hobby Lobby. Who gives a shit what Hobby Lobby thinks? Hobby Lobby gets a vote? They’re a Pentecostal yarn store. You sell glue sticks to cat ladies. Why are you getting to voice an opinion on somebody else’s… [Laughter]
Politicians never used to talk about this shit, And now they can’t stop. Mike Huckabee, who wants to be president of the United States, said this year… He said, “Women vote for the Democratic party” “Because Democrats are the party of government And they pay for their birth control.” And then he actually said, “And women can’t control their libido”… Especially around Mike Huckabee. Am I right, ladies? [Chuckles] If anybody would know. I mean, this never used to happen. They had contraception in the fifties. I swear to God, Eisenhower never once used the word “libido.” I mean, if somebody had asked Eisenhower about contraception, he would have went, “What?” “I was a general.” “I sent men to kill and die. I don’t care what you do with your come.” “Go ask your mommy.” [Applause] But… [Applause] And, you know, the old-school Republicans, the indoor Republicans, the potty-trained Republicans, they want to get these other nuts to stop talking about women’s lady parts, but they can’t help themselves. It’s like Dr. Strangelove’s arm, you know? It’s just, “Uh! I can’t help it.”
Even when they try to impress women, they fuck it up. Remember Mitt Romney with the “binders full of women”? Right? I’m not making that up. Mitt Romney actually said, trying to big himself up about women, said, “You know, when I was governor, I wanted” To hire women…” “But I didn’t know any.” That’s where the binders came in. That’s when he ordered… “Bob, get me everything we have on women.” [Laughter] “This could be big, Bob. I want to get in on the ground floor. “I don’t want to get scooped on this one. Women as workers. “This could be really something. “They work for less. I know I love that. So let’s get on this right away.” [Applause]

There was a Republican Congressman from Missouri who said that fetuses masturbate in the womb. I could not make… [Laughter] I know. You thought that was the baby kicking. No, no. That’s whacking, not kicking. No. That’s that. [Chuckles] You know what? I have done every drug known to man. [Scattered cheers] This thought never came into my mind. [Laughter] I mean, a lot of crazy thoughts came into my mind, and I swatted them away, But never once, no matter what I was doing, Did I ever think, “Yeah, there’s kids whacking in there.” That’s probably…” I mean, why would you even say that? Why? Of course! Because they’re all abortion nuts. That’s why. They’re always trying to prove that science knows that life begins earlier and earlier. “How can you kill that kid? He’s having a great time in there. He’s whacking, and he’s watching videos…” Oh, yes, the one branch of science they believe in. Sorry, global warming. If only you were caused by sluts fucking, we could do something about you. [Applause] It’s always about sluts fucking.
I’m telling you, these people never got over the sexual revolution. Fuck. They never got over the Civil War. What am I talking about? But especially the sexual revolution. In their mind, life begins when a man and a woman share an appetizer. [Laughter] And God loves every single, solitary speck and goo of human life until it tries to sneak into America, and then life can go fuck itself. [Cheering] Oh, yeah. America is a shining city on a hill. And we don’t need a bunch of Guatemalan kids Tracking mud through it.

No, they’re crazy in the mind because America is finally changing. This is what is so scary to them. Hispanics are ascendant in this country. We do have a black president. A third of the country can get gay-married. A third of the country has medical marijuana. [Applause] America is changing. Two states have regular old roll up a fatty and watch “SpongeBob” marijuana. [Cheering] I’m telling you, it’s a new dawn of some kind. There’s a Hindu in Congress, there’s two Muslims in Congress. There are 6 openly gay people in Congress. I know we missed it this time, But the NFL… The barrier has been broken… Is going to have a gay player very soon. [Applause] I predict in five years, the NFL will be completely gay. [Laughter] [Chuckles] There will be new penalties like, “Eligible man downfield.” “Roughing the snapper.” You know. That’s the snapper now. I made that part up. No, it’s true.
This is what’s rocking their world, is that heterosexuals are not getting married anymore And gay people are. It’s nothing logical. It’s just this onslaught of gay and pot and black and Hispanic! You know, it’s the sixties dorm room That they were never invited into. That’s the problem. I think that’s the problem. [Applause]
I just hope that Democrats will evolve on the pot issue as quickly as they did on the gay marriage issue because I notice… which is to say not very quickly at all… But as soon as gay marriage hit 51% approval in the polls, Ooh, there was a lot of evolving on it. Suddenly… ha ha! And I notice a lot of them use the same excuse, which was, “Well, you know my kids have gay friends”, “And we had them over to dinner. “It was lovely and none of them leapt across the table and tried to have anal sex with me. So I guess it’s all good on the gay thing.”
Well, don’t hold your breath for that. I’ll say this for the Republicans, Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls. The repeal of… [Audience member applauds] Thank you, one person. The repeal of don’t ask, don’t tell in the military was polling at 75% approval. That’s super-high in America. Nope. Democrats still needed to do one more study to cover their ass. So they did a study to find out whether having gays in the ranks Would impede readiness. [Scattered laughter] Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this? “Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me…” “While I fire this rifle at those targets down there.” “Let me dig in here.” [Clears throat] “And then we will repeat the experiment when you’re not blowing me.” “And we’ll see if it impedes readiness, all right? “Here we go. “A little to the left. No, not you. You’re perfect.” [Laughter] Really? [Applause] [Chuckles]

I have to ask, how come it is that in the military and the clergy, they talk about homosexuality like it’s this thing that if you’re around it at all, you will be tempted. I mean, I’ve been in show business my whole life. I’m around it. I was never tempted. I never walked into a wardrobe trailer and went, “Ah!” [Laughter] “I bet I could fuck a lot of the guys in here.” Because I don’t fuck guys. But somehow in the military and the clergy, it’s like dessert at a fine restaurant. Just… “Oh, don’t put that in front of me.” [Laughter] [Applause] “Oh, you’re bad. No! No.” “Well, I haven’t sucked any all week. I suppose I could have one.”
And, you know, whenever you see a Congressman or a clergyman get caught with a young boy, I notice that the go-to first excuse to let everybody down easy is Always the words, “I am not a perfect man.” If you hear “I am not a perfect man,” Just put the cock in his mouth right there. [Muffled] “I am not a perfect man.” [Chuckles] “But I’m not gay. Oh, come on! Where’d you get this shit?” “Honey, am I gay? Do I do anything gay?” [Laughter] Don’t you feel bad for the wife in a sex scandal, although I actually think the age of the sex scandal is over because the technology we have between “TMZ” and the NSA, nobody can get away with anything. Look at poor Anthony Weiner. He never even got laid. [Laughter] He was just typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating, and happily. You know, sometimes these women would write back to him and say, “We could make this happen for real,” And he’d be like, “Ew.” [Laughter] “What do you mean, ‘for real’? How gross! “You mean I touch you? No! I’m typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating.”
This must be a generational thing, honestly. I don’t associate typing with sex. I associate typing With term papers that are due the next day. That’s what I associate typing with. [Applause] But it’s certainly not the case, as so many people say, That they’re hornier now… More now than ever. They’re not hornier more than ever. Kennedy was hornier than any… The founding fathers were the horniest generation of all. It’s just that they couldn’t get caught back then. There was no way you could send a picture of your penis to a woman. I mean, you could but you had to sit for a dick portrait. [Laughter] “Yeah, a little to the left, Mr. President. Thank you.” You’d have to frame it and put it on a carriage. It was a… well, you know. But this is the age we live in. People put their shit up online. We’ve seen Anthony Weiner’s penis. We’re going to see a president’s penis someday. This is why I am so for circumcision. You know, th… [Scattered cheers] There is this movement to get rid of circumcision. Oh, people hate it. “It’s child abuse and genital mutilation” And it’s desecration of the human flesh.” Whatever! I am for it. And if everybody’s gonna put their junk online… Anything that makes a penis look less like something that lives in the ocean… [Laughter] Should be applauded, encouraged, and federally funded. I will be in your office tomorrow looking for funding.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. I thank you for coming out, Waiting for me to arrive, the whole 9 yards. Thank you, HBO and our staff, And everybody here in Washington. It was so great. Thank you! [Cheering and applause]
* MAN: Real… [Cheering continues]


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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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