BILL MAHER… BUT I’M NOT WRONG (2010) – Full Transcript

In his ninth HBO stand-up comedy special, Maher covers various political and social topics such as Barack Obama, the Tea Party movement, the economy, drugs, terrorism, war and religion.

In front of a live audience at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium at the Progress Energy Center for the Performing Arts in Raleigh, North Carolina, the Emmy-nominated host of Real Time with Bill Maher performs an all-new hour of stand-up comedy.  Among the topics Bill discusses in his ninth HBO solo special are: Whether the “Great Recession” is really over; the fake patriotism of the right wing; what goes on in the mind of a terrorist; why Obama needs a posse instead of the secret service; the drug war; Michael Jackson; getting out of Iraq and Afghanistan; racism; the Teabagger movement; religion; the health-care fight; why Gov. Mark Sanford will come out looking good, and how silly it is to ask “Why do men cheat?”; and why comedy most definitely didn’t die when George Bush left office.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. That’s okay. Thank you. You are so kind. Please. Thank you so much. Wow! What a– Thank you for that screaming ovation. You know, oh, I picked the right city this time. Oh, it’s true. I– You know, I– Thank you. Okay. Thank you, sir. All right, I get it. You are only flesh and vagina. But please, I’ve got to do a show now. We love the South. We, like I have a backup band. You know, me and my crew. We love the… Because you know, they are not politically correct. That’s what I love about them. They have fun. They laugh. You know, they don’t boo. And you know, ever since the Great Recession began, I have started every show with a prayer. No. How ridiculous. No, with a thank you. Because in this economic time, you know, a dollar is a hard thing to come by. I– I know. I better be fucking good. I know this. Because I tell you, your boy John Edwards said one thing right. He did. He said there are two Americas. And he was getting laid in both. I love this guy. He wrote a cute card today. He rhymed… perk breasts with D.N.A. test. I think that’s… But you know, they say the… They say the recession is over. I– You know, come on. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said if this van is rocking, it’s because we live here now. You know, I mean… That’s one thing you can say about Americans. They take a lot of shit. What is it going to take? Some day, soon I hope, people are gonna rise up and kill bankers. Bankers… Poor bankers. They are not feeling the love these days. At my branch, when you make a deposit now, the teller puts her tits on the glass. You know… Don’t you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt? You know, Osama Bin Laden once said that one of his goals for Al-Qaeda was to bankrupt America. Well, sorry big guy. A Jew named Bernie Madoff beat you to it. You know, right? Yeah, we did it to ourselves. Like Bernie Madoff, this always kills me. People say, “Where did all the money go?” I’ll tell you where the money went. It never existed in the first place. Because America doesn’t make anything anymore. That’s the little secret about our economy. What have we made lately? War. War. And Snuggies. Right? That’s what we make: Bullshit, Snuggies and ShamWows, Flowbees and Bedazzlers and… boner pills and Botox and… Fucking, you know, pizza with cheese in the crust. You know, it’s a whole industry. How can we get cheese into… How can we get cheese into Hanukkah? Or a snow tire? You know, it’s like… How much manpower went into thinking about… bratechnology over the last decade? Wonderbras and miracle bras and water bras. It’s just pushing the tits up. Am I wrong? Am I missing a big thing about this industry? It is pushing the tits together and up, so the boner pills have something to work with, you know? The whole economy is just about keeping people hard. It really is. Y– You know, they sell something now, I’m not kidding, called a talking tombstone. That’s right. Before you go, you record a cassette, a little message in a cassette which they then put into your headstone, so that when people approach your grave, you’re yakking. You know what? You’re dead. Let someone else talk. That’s really how I feel about that one. I mean, it’s no wonder we owe China a trillion dollars. I opened a fortune cookie the other day, it said, “Pay up, deadbeat.” Our Secretary of State used to go over to China and lecture them about human rights. You know, now it’s just, “I’ll suck your dick.” It’s just– It’s just an “I’ll suck your dick” economy. Now that’s our foreign policy. That’s our economy. But hey, at least now, we have a plan for recovery that doesn’t involve Jesus coming back. That’s something. We’re going to stimulate our way out of trouble. We got a stimulus program. I mean, yeah, we are spending a metric fuck-ton of money. But you know, it’s not for shits and giggles. We have to spend this money, anyway. ‘Cause this country fell apart in the last 30 years. Ever since they started giving all the money to the top 1%, the roads, the bridges, the infrastructure, the electrical, health care… It all went to shit. This country… This country reminds me the time I went to buy mushrooms. It’s a true story. In the early 80’s, I remember I went to buy mushrooms from the drug dealer. My friend Rich and I, we were young comics in New York. You know, living in little fucking rat-infested boxes. You know, we went to the drug dealer’s apartment. I was very impressed. It was this big apartment on the east side. And it was all lit by candles. I mean, I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer but I didn’t do coke. I didn’t. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work. But I– I was there to buy mushrooms, which I considered a good drug, and consider a good drug onto this day. But you know, I remember, I was very impressed with this guy, with the long hair and the candles. And I got outside and I said to my friend, “Boy, that guy was so cool with all the candles.” He said, “You moron, he has no electricity.” He said– I’ll never forget this– “He put the electrical bill up his nose.” And that’s what America did. In the last 30 years, we put the electrical bill up our nose. And I love the Republicans now. They’re like, “Boy, we can’t afford things like health care. “Some asshole ran up the debt.” I don’t know how it happened but… You know, look– No, it’s okay. It’s not a rally. I mean, I have my issues with this president, but he did inherit a mess like no president ever. He– He… He’s… He is the maid after Led Zeppelin has been in the room. You know, what I mean? Wow. And what I give him unequivocal props for is that what he has been able to do just by presidential decree right away, he did. You know, we’re closing Guantaunmo Bay. We can have stem cell research again. We can talk to other countries. We don’t… teach abstinence in the schools, you know. You can’t change the world in a day, but you can try to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture, you know. No, I know. No, I know you know. I know you know. But the Right Wing, they just hate it when I call America stupid. This bugs them like you can’t believe. What they never understand is that I don’t wish America was stupid. But it is stupid. But those are two thoughts. And now, that’s… That’s one more than they can really handle. But I don’t hate America. I love America! Thomas Jefferson lived in America and Mark Twain lived in America and Billy Holiday and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of. You see, I have love for America in perspective. I– At least, I would think so. You know, they have this rock hard erection for America. They have this uncritical child-like love of America, where to even question it– to considering how super duper, star-spangled awesome we are is… is just kind of wrong. You know, so, they are always getting their panties in a bunch about some… stupid sentimental symbolic bullshit.

Like I remember the first week in office, they got a picture of Obama, ’cause it’s a big scandal, in the Oval Office without his suit coat on. Oh, fuck. Call 911. You know, because Bush never took his jacket off in the Oval Office. And Reagan never did. Yeah, I’m not surprised. This is something people do when they are working. That’s– When they are working, they take their coat off. It’s not a slippery slope. Oh yeah, one day, he takes his coat off. And the next day, he comes in with cornrows and a neck tattoo, you know. There’s a black light poster of Pam Grier where the bust of Teddy Roosevelt used to be. “Where is the President?” “He’s throwing dice in the rose garden.” “He’s out behind the laundromat.” It’s terrible what’s happened to America since… You know, they have this… It’s all sentimental-like… You know, Michelle Obama, one of Barack Obama’s many wives. ‘Cause you know, he’s a Muslim from Kenya. You know this. But she committed the ultimate crime against the right. She said the thing they can never forgive during the campaign. She said that she was proud… of her country for the first time in her life. I almost dropped the Bible. That I was using to help me masturbate into my gun. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. We’re– We’re surrounded by rednecks ’cause if you drive 30 miles out. Come on… It’s… It’s… You know what I’m talking. But proud of her country for the first time? Why don’t you just say, “Let’s go skull fuck Billy Graham “on the face of Mount Rushmore… “and Martha Washington eats pussy.” That is a thought crime against apple pie, and she needs to wash her mouth out with the blood of Ronald Reagan, which was shed for us all. But– Come on. I mean… Girlfriend does kind of have a point. You know, she’s only been an adult 25 years. Haven’t been exactly our best years. Highlights include impeaching a dude for his penis. And electing the cowboy from Toy Story twice.

So… But honestly, for the longest time, every Republican election has been based on some sentimental bullshit. The flag or the flag pin or the pledge or ‘It’s Morning in America.’ “Bill Clinton got a blowjob in the Oval Office!” “And the Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush on foreign soil!” And when that happens, it hurts the feelings of our troops and then Tinkerbell’s light goes out and she dies. Yes, the love of our troops. The ultimate in fake patriotism. Are you kidding? The troops… We pay them like shit. We fuck them and trick them on deployments. We… nickel and dime them on medical care when they get home. Not to mention the stupid wars that we send them to. Yeah, we love the troops the way Michael Vick loves dogs. You know what… You know how I would feel supported if I was a troop overseas? If the people back home… were clamoring to get me out of this pointless errands. That’s how I would feel supported. Don’t hold your breath on that one, fellows. ‘Cause, you know, when America invades a country… Oh, we love you long time. Seriously. We never… We leave like Irish relatives, not at all. We have tens of thousands of troops in Korea and Japan. We have over 50,000 troops in Germany. “Hitler, ladies and gentlemen, “I think we got him.” You know, why are we doubling down on Afghanistan? I think I lost the thread on this one. I do. You know, Bin Laden attacked us. And then we got him. Oh, no. We didn’t. Okay. Okay… But he was in Afghanistan so we invaded Afghanistan to get him. But we didn’t. And then he moved to Pakistan. But we’re still in Afghanistan because– And that’s where I lose the thread. And I’m not the only one. ‘Cause I know the media– When they cover this story, when they get to that point, that’s when they go to the video of the terrorist training camp and they’re on the monkey bars. You know… Monkey bars. Like it’s supposed to scare the shit out of me. Oh fuck, there are some people reading the Koran who are on monkey bars. Something is going to blowup. I mean, come on. I mean, do you even have to be in shape to do that line of work? I mean, are… Are terrorists like, “Does this suicide belt make me look fat? “Because I want to be in the best shape of my life “for this Jihad. I want people to say that he was–” You know these plots that the government is always bragging about that they stopped before we got blown up. Give me a break! Like Bush used to always brag about the Liberty Seven. You know, these seven black guys in Liberty City, Miami, who were planning on blowing up the Sears Tower in Chicago. Well, you know, they didn’t even have a gun. Probably the only seven black guys in Miami without a gun. But they were planning on blowing up, you know… In the same way that Spanky and our gang were planning on building a space ship. These guys… They couldn’t blow up the Sears catalog. I mean… Blow up the Sears tower. Right. Well, that was– That was Plan A. Plan B was just to fuck up one Sears store. You know, just… And just the Home and Garden Department. You know, this… They were go to buy a dress, wear it once and return it. You know, the whole time… Guantaunmo Bay has been open, we have convicted three guys. The most senior of which was Bin Laden’s driver. Ooh, yes. That’s what they said on FOX News. They have been crowing about it for months. Yeah, we got Bin Laden’s… We got the man who took orders from Osama Bin Laden. Uh, yeah, orders like “pull up a little.” “Take the bridge, it’s faster.” You know… It’s funny, the– This guy who… You know, the Underoo bomber I call him. Remember on Christmas, you know, he was going to blow up that flight, you know. And right after Rudy Giuliani comes out and he says, “Well, you know, when Bush was president, “we never had a terrorist attack.” The way they rewrite history. Oh, that one time. Sure. Well, I mean, if you’re going to count that! Fuck, every president deserves a mulligan. I mean… You know, the bottom line is that it’s stupid to use the Army as we are doing to fight terrorism. They don’t have an army. They have exploding underwear. You know, Iraq, the only thing I would say about that is next time we go to war for oil, get some oil. You know, we didn’t have to torture people to beat the Nazis. We didn’t have to tap phones to beat the Soviet Union. But I live in a country now where I assume every call, you know, is tapped. I treat every call like a drug call. I do. Remember the old drug calls? “Yeah, I’d like two shirts, please.” “And no seeds in the shirts this time.” Don’t you hate it when there were seeds in your shirts? Ah, you kids today, you don’t remember the seeds, you punks. You just go to the store and buy it. But we had to deal with seeds.

There is another war that never ends, right? The drug war. I just like to point out that Keith Richards is alive. And Michael Jackson is dead. I know. I’m… But I’m not wrong. Okay… No, we all loved Michael Jackson. But it is so ridiculous how America is obsessed with finding out what killed Michael Jackson. Put his doctor on trial. We got to get to the bottom of this. How could a constantly anesthethised, drug addicted, noseless skeleton, have slipped away from us so suddenly? Oh, America! I could never leave you. You amuse me! You’re like my dog. Dumb, I suppose, but you make me laugh. I just have a different view of health than mainstream America. People know this. You know, Michael Jackson’s autopsy report, it said he was in good health. To me, he looked a little pale. I don’t know. And you know… And Michael Jackson’s memorial, which, by the way, was a kick-ass music extravaganza in the middle of the day on free TV, Stevie Wonder got up and he said, “We needed Michael here on Earth. “But God needed him more.” And I remember thinking, “Really?” God needs people? God needs singers? God’s up there going, “Oh, fuck. There is nothing on.” “There is never anything on. “I’m tired of Sinatra and Elvis, Andy Williams. “Get that Michael Jackson up here! “I used to love that moonwalk thing he did. “Get that motherfucker up here! He’s going to entertain me.”

So… Okay, so this brings me to the part of the show that’s about religion. No, I usually do not– I usually do not introduce topics. But believe it or not, even at this point, people walk out when I talk about this. You think it comes preadvertised but, you know… But I’m just saying this, in case you were thinking of walking out. I just want you to know two things. One, that until this point, it was a pretty good show. You can’t deny that. I am just saying this if you walk out, you will have at least seen a half-hour. You know, they can be like… all right. But also, I’m not going to talk about it forever. Okay, just a few minutes. Indulge me. I don’t have to guild the lily. I’ve made my points on this subject. I know “Religulous” played in Raleigh. There was a lot of… Thank you. Let me tell you something. There was a lot of Southern states. For that movie, I got a lot of messages from people that said I had to drive 300 miles to see this movie. And I used to always say, “Well, that’s good practice “for when you need an abortion because… “that’s probably the same 300 miles you are going to have to…” So, just let me answer a couple of the criticisms that were leveled at me for making this informed here. ‘Cause I think they were bullshit. And the first one was, “Oh, Bill. You’re such a meanie.” “Why do you have to go after religion? It gives people comfort. “It doesn’t hurt anything.” Okay, well, other than most wars. The Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girl schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery and the systematic fucking of children… There’s a few little things that I have a problem with. So… Okay. Again, not a rally. And I see people in the front row who are like “Fuck you, Bill Maher.” “When my wife dragged me to this show, “I expected a little something different.” A sweater vest in 2010. That… Let me guess, Republican? But anyway… But I think I know the reason that the god who doesn’t exist put me on Earth. I do. I think… It’s– It’s to make that connection for people who say, “It doesn’t do any harm.”

So let me give you some practical examples. Okay. Number one, the Pope. Who I love. I’m not knocking the Pope. He’s a fantastic Catholic celebrity. He is… He’s– The Pope– This is true. The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true. I’m not making that up. The creepy thing is Under Relationship status, he put ‘It’s Complicated.’ That’s– That’s the creepy thing. But the Pope last year went to Africa for a reunion with Romel. It’s just a joke. Again, I’m not– No, it’s a joke. I– See– The thing– I’m not after the Pope. By the same token, when it’s the Pope, I don’t pause to make a joke. Okay, he’s just a man. He puts his dress on one leg at a time like everybody else. He’s not holier than us ’cause he, you know, wears a costume. I can buy a pointy hat. I just don’t. Okay. But I’m not mad at the Pope for that. He wasn’t a Nazi. But what I’m mad at him for is going to the continent most ravaged by AIDS and telling them they couldn’t use condoms. So don’t tell me religion doesn’t do any actual harm. All right. Not a rally. Thank you. Not a rally.

Here’s another example… Very practical. Close to the home. Stem cell research. Now, as you know, for the last eight years, we couldn’t have stem cell research because President Larry the Cable Guy– Not funny, I know– Cock-blocked stem cell research because, you know, when he got into office, he asked a very important question. He said, “What is stem cell research?” And they sat him down and they explained when a daddy loves a mommy very much– Look, you know, what is this stem cell? It’s a microscopic specklet of goo in a Petri dish, or as the Conservatives call it, a baby. Except it’s not a baby. You know how I know this? Because you know what they do with it? They freeze it. They put it in the freezer. You can’t do that with a baby, okay. I mean… I don’t know a lot about babies. I’ve never even touched a baby. But I know you can’t put one in the freezer. You know how I know this? Because if Americans could do that, oh, they would. Oh, absolutely. There are yuppie couples. It’d be like, “Geez, we’re so busy this month.” “Fuck. And we’ve always wanted to see Italy. You know, “just put the baby in the freezer.” “When we get back from the trip, we’ll thaw it out.” Okay, here is the last thing I’ll say about this, and then I’ll get off it. But in a recent poll, 61% of Americans agreed with the statement religion solves all or most of my problems. Which is great. Expect for one little thing. It doesn’t. Oh, yeah. That’s right. It doesn’t. You can’t pray away global warming. And that’s the difference… between religious people and sane people. We– It is. We fear different things. I fear climate change. They fear a demon in a red body suit with a pitch fork. I fear terrorists getting a nuclear bomb into the port of Long Beach. They fear not getting picked when their imaginary friend comes back for the Rapture. You know, the– “Oh, I was in the bathroom. “And the Rapture came. Fuck, I–” Here is a frightening statistic. One out of four Americans believes that Jesus will return to Earth in their lifetime. See, that’s religion. Ego. Masquerading as humility. Jesus is coming back. Of course he’s going to want to meet me. “Hi, Jesus! Bob Flemstine, big fan.” “Big fan. “I know you’re crazy busy with the Rapture and everything. “But could you sign?” I– I don’t want to be that guy, but… So, you know, people come up to me all the time and they say, “Bill, I’m with you. I saw your movie. “We’re right here. “You know, I don’t believe in that crazy Biblical nonsense, “just the central story.” Oh, you mean the stupidest part? I mean, come on. God had a son. I mean, time-out. God had a son? He is powerful beyond all imagination. He exists in a realm above time and space but he has kids? What is this bonanza? He has a son. God had a son and he said to him, “Jesus, I am sending you down to Earth on a suicide mission.” “But don’t worry, they can’t kill you “because you’re really me. “But it is going to hurt for a few days. “I’m not gonna lie about that, son. “There’s about three days you’re going to hate me. “But I’m doing this for you. “I mean me! “What am I saying? I’m me. You’re me. “You’re you. But… “I know myself but I have you. Me! What am I saying?” Anyway, all right. Now… “Now, Jesus, here is the plan. “I, God the father, wink, wink. “I’ll go down to Earth first. “You see, we’ll split up the work ’cause there’s two of us. “Not really. “I’m going down to Earth and I’ll see if I can’t find a… “virgin Palestinian woman to impregnate “so that she can give birth to you. “I mean me.” “What am I saying?” It’s like Faye Dunaway in “China Town.” My sister. My daughter. My sister. My daughter. I mean… It is one of the silliest stories I’ve ever heard but I don’t mean to offend. But you know, I– Look, I get it. Jesus was a cool guy with the hippy philosophy and the long walks on the water that turns into fishing trips with the guys. I– You know, I’m down with all that. You know, it doesn’t sound crazy that story to us because we’re used to it. It’s been around for 2,000 years. To really understand how whack religion is, you have to look at the new religions. Which for this country is Mormons and Scientologists. Who I think should merge and make more montology. But that’s where you really see it. Because, for example, every religion has a creation myth. You know what the Scientology Creation Myth is? They think that 12 trillion years ago, a time frame no scientist believe exists, but okay… 12 trillion years ago, a galactic warrior named Xenu was looking to depopulate his planet so he took all the souls to Earth, bury them under volcanoes and blew them up later with atom bombs. Now just for a moment, imagine the balls it takes to stand in front of another human being and tell them what happened 12 trillion years ago. And I don’t mean in general terms like the planets were cooling. I mean he knows the dude’s name. Xenu. Oh, yeah. That cat from 12 trillion– Yes, of course, Xenu. I mean if someone tells you this… story, the only logical response is to say, “Well, I guess anything’s possible.” And then backpedal while maintaining a smile and dialing 911 in your pocket. ‘Cause that’s fucking crazy. So you know… Jesus, Xenu, either you believe in ghosts or you don’t. People say what’s the harm with religion? It’s mass delusion. Any time there’s mass delusion, bad things do follow. So I’ll get off that now. But, you know, mass delusion… We have it in politics too. I don’t know if it’s exactly separated but… I saw a recent poll… 58% of republicans don’t think Barack Obama is an American. Because he has a “birth certificate” that looks exactly like everyone elses. But no. He’s not an American. Hawaii is not a state. And um… They’d like to give him a blood test. He might be a werewolf. You know what, I will show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma. How about that? Right. As a comedian, you can always depend on Sarah Palin to take a drink of water. That’s what I– That’s what I love about this bitch. Okay. But… But you know, I mean, a lot of this birther stuff is obviously just racism. It’s funny the way– Racism has really grown up if you will, you know, from the Jim Crow days. It’s just a lot more subtle. You know, it’s– During the campaign, Last campaign, I remember in Pennsylvania, a Northern state, something like 10% of the people told pollsters, that is, they said right out in public, that they were “not ready” for a black president. You know, and the media treated this very– Yeah, not ready. You know, nothing racist there. Just not– Not ready. You know, the man’s not ready. I’m not ready. Please, I am very fragile right now. Maybe in 10 years, I could bear the sight of a black man getting on Air Force One, but right now, I’m– I’m not ready. Okay. You know, I mean, look. Conservatives, there are– I know so many of them. They do my show. They’re nice people. So many of them so nice. But they do have a blind spot about race. Which is why they… The only racism they can see now is reverse racism. Right. This was the big problem with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is that she was a reverse racist. Yes, that’s the problem. For too long, Puerto Rican women have had their boot on the neck of the white man. But I’m telling you, the Conservatives are nice people. They don’t see it that way. They don’t dislike Sonia Sotomayor as a woman or a person or a cleaning lady, you know. The– It’s just that, you know, you have to understand the tea bagger mindset. They have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from this that used to be that was better. It’s really the 1950’s, okay? That’s what they think was Shangri-La and you know what they never get is that… It’s kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era. ‘Cause it wasn’t that good for a lot of people. It was good if you were a white man. It wasn’t that good if you were Mexican or Black or Jewish or disabled or gay or a woman. I mean… You know that… You know that in the 1950’s, the big sitcom was the Honeymooners, right? And every week, Ralph Kramden at some point in the show, when Alice got under his skin, he would say, “To the moon, Alice!” That’s right. America’s biggest sitcom star would basically say, “You stupid cunt. If you continue to annoy me, “I’m going to punch you in the face.” “I’m going to ball up my fist “and punch you in the fucking face until you hit another planet.” And America was completely cool with this. They were like, “Well, he is the husband. I mean, “if she’s annoying him, he has every right “to punch her in the face.” It’s hard to imagine Ray Romano doing that, you know. So you know, to be pining for this era, and that’s what it always is. The cry from Goober Nation. Always about, “We want our country back!” You know, like it went anywhere. And Obama is taking away our freedoms. What– What freedoms exactly has he taken away? I think just the freedom to live under a white president? I think that’s the only freedom we’ve actually seen taken away. And you know, there’s a– And ever since Obama came on the scene, there is a word that has been sticking in their throats that they would love to say, but they can’t. ‘Cause it’s not the 1950’s. They would love to say this word. It begins with “N” and ends with “R” and it’s not ‘Nation Builder’. But they can’t. So they call him a… Socialist or a Communist or a community organizer. You get the– Every name in the book. The funniest during the campaign when they ran out of every other word they said, “He was a celebrity.” Oh, fuck. Not that of all things, a celebrity attracting large crowds to stadiums. Whatever. If you like that sort of a thing. Lots of people who believe in you. Yeah. John McCain was in the much more appropriately sized function room at the Olive Gardens. And half of those people came for the free prostate exam. Oh, I kid the Republicans. They can fill stadiums, like the Superdome during Katrina. They filled that one. What I said you didn’t boo. Look at your boo. I kid the Republicans, with love. It’s all love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they going to run? Sarah Palin reading off her hands. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote tax cuts on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing? Tax cuts? This is like, if you saw the coyote’s paw and it said, “Roadrunner.” I mean, tax cuts. Well, that’s what she wrote for the tea baggers. For her husband, she wrote other hole on her ass. Nothing funny about that, sir. I agree with you. Nothing funny about that. I cannot wait to get home and tear this sweater vest off. But really, who do they got? They got Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, who I believe is a department store mannequin. I think that’s who they’re running there. And uh… And of course, Bobby Jindal. The 19-year-old head of the A.V. Department in Louisiana. I mean… Have you seen that Bobby Jindal guy? I– I think the Republicans think he’s black. I do. I do. I think they are like, “We got to get some of that Obama mojo working for us.” “Who we got? “We got Bobby Jindal. We got Bobby Jindal. “Great. We got Bobby Jindal.” “He is a what?” “Close enough.” Okay, that’s close enough. He– He sure ain’t white. We know that. No, ironically, the two great white hopes of the Republican party for 2012 is going to be John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada and Governor of Argentina, Mark Sanford. I mean, South Carolina. Both who got caught cheating. On the bright side, it’s good to see Republicans fucking women again. For a while there, we didn’t know, but uh… But actually Mark Sanford, your neighbor, It’s why I do this show here. There’s so much material. But I think in the long run, he’s going to come out good. Because you know what? He’s the one politician who got caught. And it wasn’t lust. It was love. And we have the emails to prove it. Did you read his emails? I mean, they were like you’ve opened up a new chapter in my life where I am content just being. You know this is the stuff that gives women a pussy boner. Really. “I long for the touch of your fingertips “and a deeper connection to your soul.” He wrote that. I mean, how does the wife compete with that? “I make a nice pot roast?” I mean, what the– But you know, this was love. I think women are going to embrace this. ‘Cause every other politician we ever caught, it was always just this sick sort of take advantage lust. Always some pathetic campaign roadkill. “My wife just looked the other way. “Touch my cock.” “When that door closes, you have three minutes to blow me.” “And then I’ll go out and shake hands with people.” You know, it’s like– I know. No, the one I– the one I actually admire in this realm, Elliot Spitzer, got a hooker, okay? Honest. Honest. Not to mention that he is the Elliot-ness of the financial world. We could use his talents now. But, you know… Okay, he got a hooker and then there was all this editorial, hand-ringing. For months I read article after article about we have to stop prostitution, the exploitation and the abuse. And there is some of that. And we should try to stop that. But you know… In the interest of keeping it real, I just like to say in 21st century America, a lot of chicks are just ho’s. Just ho’s. There’s no abuse. There’s no exploitation. They’re just ho’s. That’s why rappers are always thinking about ho’s. # Oh, we got ho’s, In different area codes, # # Everywhere we go, We see the same– # Every– There’s just a lot of ho’s. There’s just a lot of lazy bitches who go, “Gee, I can work 40 hours a week at Kentucky Fried Chicken… “Or I can blow Colonel Sanders for 10 minutes.” But really, America, get over the denial about sex. They don’t even know what it is. It’s not real. A hooker… Spitzer gets a hooker. And then I constantly read, what sort of fantasy was he trying to fufill with a hooker. Okay. Let’s get something straight. When he was home masturbating, that’s when he needed the fantasy. Okay, he was home masturbating. He was thinking about a woman when he was fucking his hands. That’s when you need fantasy. You’re fucking your hand. When he got the hooker, that was reality. You see? Person. I’m in a human being. I’m fucking a person. Reality, I’m fucking my hand. Fantasy. Person, reality. Hand, fantasy. You know. It’s not like, you know… Your hand is good. It’s not like, “Oh, hand!” Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies and gentlemen. Or as Tiger Woods calls it, “My busy season.” Hey, he’s the latest one. They sent him to sex rehab. Oh, give me a break. Sex re– He’s a sex addict. Yes, it’s very sad. He was hiding pussy around the house. It’s– He had it up in the chandelier. Oh, it was so sad. Tiger Woods in sex rehab. This is not going to work. He asked for a therapist with big tits right away. But, you know, every time in America, some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story. “Why do men cheat?” Oh, take a wild fucking guess, would you? I think you’re overthinking this. They’re not looking for fantasy. They’re looking for sex. That’s it. They want sex. And not just sex. They want new sex. The way women want new shoes. Right? You have shoes. They’re perfectly good shoes. You don’t want those shoes. You want new shoes. We want a person. You want a shoe. But you’re morally superior. I’m sure I’ll get that some day but… But, you know… Okay. I’ll get to you later. But you know, the denial. And not just hetro denial. The gay denial is even worse. Did you see that HBO special on the Reverend Ted Haggard? You know, all these Christians who get caught being gay. And of course, they can’t even admit that there’s such a thing as homosexuality. “It’s just sinning…” You know, Ted Haggard’s quote. I’ll never forget. It’s true. He said, “He was impacted by homosexuality.” I swear. “Impacted.” Yes, mostly when he was on his stomach, he was impacted by– He was compacted by homosexuality, I think. I mean, Senator Larry Craig gets caught in the bathroom at the Minneapolis Northwest Terminal Airport with his foot all the way, halfway under the next stall. Doesn’t deny it. In the– This is the gayest pickup place in America. Don’t ask me how I know this. But you know, you think if you were caught in this position in that place, you’d just be like, “Okay, you got me. What can I say? “This is how I was made. “I was drawn this way. I’m gay.” End of story. But, no. To concoct this defence, this making it a cause that “No, I just happened to need a wide stance. I– “I speak for all innocent heterosexuals.” “I mean, I’ve shat in quite a few stalls in my life. “I never needed to put my foot anywhere near the other stall, “let alone halfway into it.” “I mean… “I… I can’t imagine what would be “so wrong with my ass.” “What intestinal issues I would have “to need to stretch this much to pinch out a loaf?” “But if I had it outside, I wouldn’t be shitting in public.” Listen to this, there was a– Couple of years ago, this big megachurch Reverend in Alabama died. Under very embarrassing circumstances– I shouldn’t say his name– Gary Aldridge, the Reverend, Gary Aldridge, close friend of Falwell, had a megachurch, big Republican fundraiser… Get this, he was found dead of what authorities called auto-erotic affixiation. Yes, yes, people know the term from David Carradine. No joke. But that’s how he died too. Same thing. He had a rope tied around his throat. One tied around his balls and the third rope, tying them together. You know, on the bright side, he did earn a merit badge. So… All right. One joke. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. I did one joke but… But, listen to this. The Reverend Gary Aldridge was found hanging hogtied wearing two rubber suits with a ball gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass. Or as it’s known in Republican circles, “natural causes.” And what I love is, I swear to you, I’m quoting verbatim. The church put out a statement after that saying we are taking this in the strong arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we ask the public to refrain from speculation. Right. You die with a dildo up your ass and people just talk, talk, talk. And this is why I found it so silly that the media has been fretting for the last year that comedy is over because Bush is gone. Can comedy continue without Bush? Yes, I think it can. Is Obama a slightly harder target? Good. I’m glad he is. I’ll take that for the team. I’m glad my president isn’t a moron or a horn dog. Fantastic. You know… Now, on the other side, people– audiences have to get used to the fact that when I make a joke about Obama, I’m not making a joke about all black people. Same way as when I made a joke about Bush, it wasn’t a swipe at all retarded people. And I also think now that Obama has the job, he could black it up a little. Throw us a bone. You know, do something. Put a shark tank in the White House. Get fat, talk in rhymes, something. Would it kill him every once in a while to put on a purple suit with 20 buttons up the front? Come on. I got kids to feed. I also would feel a lot better if instead of the Secret Service, he had a typical black celebrity’s entourage. I would feel better. If he had like eight, 350-pound bling wearing, tattooed, thuggie, ex-con motherfuckers, I would sleep very well at night. I want to see Ving Rhames and Suge Knight around this president… at all times and… I think every black celebrity should have to give up one member of his entourage. Like an expansion draft in baseball. You know, just… Come on, Busta Rhymes, you can afford a cousin. That would be country first, right? Everybody’s talking about country first. You know, country– See, this is what a lot of people had a problem with McCain. I used to like McCain. But when you run for President, under a banner that says “Country first” and you pick Palin… You know what, we’re Americans. We’re used to a lot of hypocracy, but that’s a bridge too far. To set up your whole deal as… you know, “It’s a dangerous world out there and I, John McCain, “am the only thing that stands between you “and blood thirsty Al-Qaeda.” “And if I die, this spokesmodel from the car show will take over.” Come on. You know… Yeah, you can say I’m piling on the Republicans. But you know, they do it to themselves. They have chosen to become an anti-intellectual party. It’s okay to have ideological differences. You need ideological differences. But they keep nominating people who just don’t know enough to do the job. Sarah Palin is a bimbo. Bush was a bimbo. Dan Quayle was a bimbo. People who just don’t know enough. Oh, it’s sold to us by saying, “Well, you want to have a beer with them.” “Here’s a guy who want to have a beer with–” Yeah, I want to have a beer with them and I want to take the bottle and crack it over their fucking head. You know, when did– When did dumb… become synonymous with real American? “We’re the backbone of this country.” Calm down, sling blade. You’re actually not. Statistics will prove. They’ve such a high opinion of themselves, don’t they? You know… That, like, Obama went to make the commencement speech last May at the graduation at Arizona state. And you know, it’s customary to give the speaker, whoever it is, an honorary degree. But Arizona state did not give it to Obama. They said his body of work is yet to come. Right. He’s the first black president of the United States. Let’s see if he makes something of himself. Are you kidding me? What posers! Arizona state– You gave it to Tommy Lasorda last year, for crying out loud! Arizona state. “Oh yes, we have standards.” “We’re the Harvard of the Navaho Valley. We– “We can’t be giving that to anybody.” “First black president.” “I guess it is eye-catching on a resume but–” Fuck you. I’ve been to that school. It’s a party mill. It’s a football school. You know when strippers say, “I’m working my way through college.” That’s the college. You know, they… These folks– They just won’t give it up that he’s really president. You know. Conservatives. I got to say, you know, when the election goes the wrong way for them, it’s not legitimate. They just can’t stand. They’re so bitter that their claw, their bony liver-spotted crypt keeper claw got pried off the levers of power so they just went mental. Like you know what they cannot keep on the shelves in America? Guns and ammo. Even though Obama and every other pussy Democrat has never even mentioned the issue, these people are so sure that he and his Negro army are coming for their guns. They’re gonna confiscate your guns and indoctrinate your children and socialize your wealth. Then they’re going to replace apple pie with chicken and waffles. And I think they’re going to appoint a cabinet of Shaft, Foxy Brown, Dolemite, Mandingo, Super Fly, Cleopatra Jones and Blackula. I mean, it’s all just fear of a black planet. Isn’t it? I mean, what does Rush Limbaugh do for a living? He scares white men as they get into their truck for lunch. You know… It’s always some… some new liberal boogie man who’s going to snatch the American dream away from the real American. The blacks or the French. The Mexicans or the gays. The environmentalists or Hollywood, or activist judges… feminazis… Hillary. You know, Ooh, if you can demonize Hillary, you’re good. A blander centrist, you will never meet. Che Guevarra in a pant suit, she is not. If you hate Hillary, you were molested by a real estate lady or something. Really. That’s– That’s what they do. They stoke up this fear in people and get them to vote against their own economic interest. Joe the Plumber. Perfect example. Remember, they– They held up Joe the Plumber as the epitome of the guy who was going to lose if Obama wins the election, ’cause Obama is going to steal the American dream from Joe. Oh yes, I’m snaking out a septic tank. Pinch me. But Joe hated Obama ’cause Obama was going to raise taxes 3% on people making over $250,000 a year. Even though Joe didn’t have a job, didn’t have any money, didn’t even have a plumber’s license. But he was going to! “I’m going to buy that plumbing business, Alice, “and we’re going to be rich!” Joe was getting killed on the taxes on the imaginary business in his head. This is what they do. They get the people to vote against their own interest. Health care. Did you see the people this summer at the town hall meetings fighting health care? These obese, stressed-out, angry old white people, heart attacks waiting to happen. You saw that guy with the sign that said keep your government hands off of my medicare? You saw this? Who did he think was running medicare? Sears? Monsanto. I mean… You know, drawing a Hitler mustache on Obama? Right, Obama’s Hitler ’cause he wants to give you health care. That’s such a Nazi thing to do. It really is. Whenever I think of the Nazis, I think health care. Look, you know, socialized medicine. This is the word that they phrase it. They always invoke to get, “Oh, so, so, can’t have that. That’s a slippery slope to the Gulag.” ‘Cause, you know, Americans hate Socialism. They don’t know what it is, but they know it’s… something super awful like gay marriage or child pornography or something really– Oh, please. Arkansas doesn’t have Capitalism yet. You’re worried about Socialism. They’re still curing people with moonshine and leaches down there. Plus we already have Socialism… in America. We just have it for the rich. There was no… There was no problem with Socialism at the beginning of the Meltdown when Henry Paulson walked into the Oval Office and demanded $700 billion for the banks right away. No time to read the fine print. “What’s that, lassie? A.I.G.’s in trouble?” “Well, run to Fort Knox and get them all the gold, girl.” You know this nonsense about “Let’s give all the money to the rich people. They create jobs.” No, they don’t. They eliminate jobs. That’s how they get richer. They’re not interested in creating jobs. They’re interested in creating wealth for themselves. You read about these pricks with their $1,000 shower curtains and their private jets and their gold faucets and the… antique commodes and the “Eyes Wide Shut” orgies or whatever… I mean, there’s no end to the bullshit rich fucks will spend money on. “It’s 9:00, time for my wine enema.” Use the good stuff tonight. So, I’m glad that the executives at Shitibank and… Skank of America and Notorious A.I.G. got to keep their sailboats. But… You know what? That we bailed them out and they’re charging 30% interest on credit cards. I mean… You know, and the Democrats are okay with this? That’s the problem in America. The supposed, progressive party is in bed with the same lobbyists as the other clowns. And you know, when Obama ran for President, every rally he would say, “This is your time.” Well, you know what, President Chocolate Thunder, this is your time. You know what, you need to get a little harder. I said this months ago. He needed to lay it on the line against the corporations. And I agree with the people who now agree with me. You know, he needs a little Bush and Cheney in his personality. Not policies, personality. Because, you know, they had terrible ideas, but they got them through and they didn’t care who liked them. In an interview once, they asked Dick Cheney, they said, “You know, most people now don’t want troops in Iraq.” And Cheney said, “So?” In other words, we won the election. Now we’re going to do what we think is right. You have an opinion? Go Twitter it to Rick Sanchez. And the next time somebody says to Obama, “You know, the people think that your health care policy is Socialism.” He should say, “So?” The people can’t name three branches of governments. They’re full of fear and misinformation. Drag them to it. Try to explain health care to them. It’s like trying to explain to your dog, “Why you’re going to the vet?” Just open the car door and jingle the leash and talk like this and he’ll go. Just give the people health care. These tea baggers are protesting it. Five years after they have it, they’ll forget they were against it. They’ll like it. They’ll be defending it. They’ll have signs that say, “Keep your government hands off my Nazi health care!” But, I don’t lose perspective. I know if the election had gone the other way, and it was now old man McCain and Cruella de Ville who were running the show, it would be a barber economy and we’d be at war with Honduras, so… I try to keep in mind what Obama always says which is that you can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the necessary. Which is pretty good. And a quote from Voltaire, by the way. Who Bush thinks is a Harry Potter character. So… I gotta say, that’s something I love about Obama. He never loses an opportunity to give it to Bush. Even when he was being inaugurated. As Bush was sitting like five feet away. And he just kept giving him shot after shot after shot. Never by name. You know, just… “We are ready to lead again.” That’s cool. I mean, he is cool. You got to give him that and… I– You know how I know he is cool? ‘Cause I know a lot of women who say, “Boy, I would love to be his Monica Lewinsky.” I know. I’m not saying you go for it. I just think– I just think it’s a good thing for the country when the chicks want to blow the president. I do. I think it’s good for the country. The chicks are in a better mood. Everybody else is in a better mood. It just– It’s a lot about mood. Come on, we are a fragile people right now. We have to be– you know, keep that mood up. Obama knows it. You see, like, he does everything he can to remind us that we have something new and energetic and fresh. You ever notice that whenever he is introduced, he always runs up to the podium. Even if it’s just two feet away, he gives us a little run to put it in our mind that it could be McCain with the walker, you know. It could have been… # dum-dum-dum-dum # That would have been so… dun! ‘Cause whether you like it or not, the President is the most ubiquitous presence in our lives. He’s the one guy who is on TV every day. That’s for eight years, it was like the channel was stuck on “hee-haw.” And now, I just feel better. You know, for one thing, this is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city… From a place I would go. He’s from Chicago. I love Chicago! I go there. Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas or Plains, Georgia or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! These are reasons small towns are small. No one wants to live there. It’s true. So you know, I relate to this couple in the White House. They relate to each other. Which is something I haven’t seen also in my lifetime. You know, I mean, they look at each other in the eye! They fist-bump. I think he’s getting a little first nookie. I do, you know. Sometimes, you see. He looks at her like, “How would you like to fuck the most powerful man in the world tonight?” And I love her. She looks at him like, “Maybe.” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. ‘Cause I knew you would be here. Thank you. A pleasure. Thank you. I have one other surprise for you, ’cause we’re way over time and you know, Real Sex 28 is coming up. We got to get out of here. Seriously… Damn, you laughed too much. But, you know, I was just talking about Obama and I have to say that you know, he got the Nobel prize for peace. You know, a lot of people said, “What, he’s conducting wars.” I agree. But also, he’s made this outreach to the Muslim world which I love. ‘Cause I don’t want a million or billion people being pissed at me for any reason. You know, that is the one area where we have to lower tensions and there are a few signs that things might be getting better. I read in the paper the other day that for the first time, Saudi Arabia had a fashion show. Their top designer, Muslim Dior… is on a world tour with his spring line and they just happened to be in Raleigh, North Carolina tonight. And I asked some of the models if they would come over. Would you like to see the… You would? You want to see the Muslim Dior fashion show? Okay. Then, start the music because I think you will really like this. Ah. Sleek and stylish in this wool blend. An ajeeba is hot, hot, hot! And not just from wearing a suffocating tarp in the desert. It’s a look that screams, “Look out world, I’m a woman of the 12th century.” Turn heads without losing yours. In this sizzling Saudi sheath, be the wife that he calls for tonight. And every night. Ah, here is lovely Neema in a coketter’s little outfit that showcases the girl inside the woman inside the stifling female containment unit. It’s first class clothing for second class citizens. And it shows off your curves in all the right places. The top of your head, your shoulders and absolutely nowhere else. Dress it up for morning prayers or dress it down for midnight stonings. This one says my mulla brings all the boys to the yard. Oh, isn’t Kaleela just scrumtous in this business, casual abaya by dawn of the Koran? It’s a throwback pullover that says, “I’m too sexy for my Shiite.” You’ll be proud to walk five steps behind your husband in this ensemble. It’s also perfect for when you don’t like leaving the house, because if you do, you’ll be beaten. Available at K-Mart by Isaac Jihadi. And finally, here comes lovely Annan. Annan is wearing a daring French cut with a plunging eye slit. Slut! This one comes in black and dark black. And it’s guaranteed to get your man so hot he’ll want to crack you on the ankle with a long stick. Whether you’re on the go or simply knowing your place, nobody does refreshing like Muslim Dior. By the way, Annan is the winner of Saudi Arabia’s “Next Top Model” and I think you can see why. How about a hand for the fashion models from the Muslim Dior show? All right. We got to get out of here. Thank you. You were great. I appreciate it. Thank you, folks.


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