South Park: The Streaming Wars (2022) | Transcript

Cartman locks horns with his mom and has a battle of wills, while an epic conflict threatens South Park's existence.
South Park: The Streaming Wars (2022)

Citizens of Denver, we are in the middle of an environmental crisis.

The winters are bringing less and less snow.

And now, we are facing a drought due to the effects of Global ManBearPig.

A drought?

What? No.

ManBearPig?

What? ManBearPig?

ALL of Denver’s water comes from streams up in the mountains, but now, ManBearPig has decimated these areas and wreaked havoc on the upper mountain streams.

And so, effective immediately, we are declaring a drought and cutting back on all the city’s water.

No!

You can’t do that!

What about our homeowners’ association rules?

Some of us are required to have nice, green lawns.

You expect us to have nice, brown lawns?

I own 12 golf courses in the Denver Metro area.

You’re not cutting down on my damn water.

Have you all forgotten about the Pi Pi?

I have Denver’s largest water park.

All water parks are 50% pee and 50% water.

You-you can’t forget about a Pi Pi.

Nobody wants to lose the water, but we’re in a drought.

There simply isn’t enough water coming to Denver from up in the mountains.

And the water up there is being used for farms and agriculture.

What kind of agriculture?

♪ ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da. ♪

How’s it looking?

They still look dry.

Okay, then I’m gonna open the reserves.

♪ If you ain’t taking care of business ♪

♪ This you must expect… ♪

Yeah!

♪ When it’s wet ♪

♪ Oh, come on… ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Oh! Yeah ♪

♪ Slippery when it’s wet ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Slippery when it’s wet ♪

♪ Slippery, slippery ♪

♪ Slippery when it’s wet. ♪

♪ ♪

Yeah, and so, and so then, so then Clyde said that if a chick uses hairspray, you can actually light her head on fire.

Nuh-uh.

Yeah-huh, Tolkien. You guys want to see?

Kenny, do you have matches?

Yeah, of course I have matches.

Check this out, you guys.

Eric Cartman.

Eric Cartman.

What? You’re ruining it.

This is your stop.

Oh. Right.

Scuse-scuse me.

Hey. Hey, guys.

You want to come hang out at my house for a bit?

Uh, no, that’s cool.

It’s not my fault that my mom lost her job and we had to move, you guys. It’s really not so bad.

Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.

My house is cool, you guys.

Kenny, you want to come chill?

I’m cool, dude.

It’s still way better than your house, Kenny!

‘Cause your family’s poor!

Your family’s poor, Kenny.

Hi, honey. How was school?

Fuck you, Mom.

You doing anything, Tolkien?

You want to come over to my house, play a board game?

Oh, um, I should probably go home.

Well, okay, you want to play a game over at your house?

Yeah, uh, I-I don’t know.

Sorry, I’m just… not in the best mood, I guess.

Hey, are you still worried about Karen?

Yeah.

Yeah, me, too.

But we all have to try to just be happy, you know?

No matter what happens with Karen.

You’re right. Okay, come on.

Hey.

Stan, where do you think you’re going?

I’m gonna go hang out at Tolkien’s house for a bit, Karen.

No, you’re not.

Yes, I am, Karen.

You better knock that off.

I don’t want you playing with Tolkien.

Karen, just come back inside.

I’ve told you I don’t want our son hanging out with those people.

And exactly what do you mean by “those people”?

I mean traitors who I hired to give my weed more street cred, and then go out and open their own weed business.

You’re not the only weed grower in this valley.

But I was supposed to be the only Black one.

Excuse me.

You the owners of these farms?

I own Tegridy Weed, the original marijuana farm on this street.

Okay, and your name is…

His name is Karen Marsh.

You better get that fucking name out your fucking mouth.

Well, gentlemen, I’m the Water Commissioner.

Colorado Division of Water Resources.

I’m here to find out exactly what’s going on with the city’s water. Weed?

The city’s water?

Well, you see, the water here is supposed to make its way to all the thirsty people down in Denver.

And, uh…

Well, there’s a lot of thirsty people down there.

I just want to see how much you farmers are actually using.

Okay, well, we can show you…

Well, you should check out his fucking farm.

If you’re, if you’re gonna check out anyone’s water, it should be his.

All right, maybe I’ll do that.

♪ I live in a hot dog ♪

♪ On a lonely old hill ♪

♪ People make fun of me ♪

♪ And that’s not cool ♪

♪ I’m isolated from my friends ♪

♪ Against my will ♪

♪ My possessions are now condiments ♪

♪ And that is not cool ♪

♪ And I don’t want to live like this ♪

♪ You don’t know how I feel ♪

♪ I’ve got no room to grow ♪

♪ And it is just so not cool ♪

♪ Just once in my life, I’d like cool stuff to happen ♪

♪ Everything keeps changing, and I’m not adapting ♪

♪ I’m crying like a girl, and it’s super not cool ♪

♪ And I just want something cool to happen ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ I’ve lived through such pain ♪

♪ The word’s been so cruel ♪

♪ Something’s got to happen, something that’s cool ♪

♪ I just want something cool to happen… ♪

This is it, right here.

♪ To me. ♪

Okay, right this way, Mr. Cussler.

You are going to love this property.

It’s over 30 acres, and it’s in a real up-and-coming area.

I think you could build an amazing home here.

Yes. Yes, I believe I could.

Now, it’s about an hour commute from where you are in Denver, but I think the potential here is fabulous.

Oh, yes.

It looks absolutely ideal.

Do you like to entertain?

Because you could easily build a ten-bedroom house on this property. You could have a dedicated gym, even a full-size movie theater.

Full-size movie theater?

If you want, we can walk around the property.

It’s a bit muddy, but we can…

That won’t be necessary.

I’ll take it. Full asking price. Cash.

Oh-oh-oh.

Da Da.

Yes. Come in.

Mom said you wanted to see me.

Yes, Shelley, have a seat.

Close the door, please.

I’ve been, uh, wanting to talk to you, Shelley.

Um…

Can you tell me why everyone is calling me “Karen”?

Don’t worry about it.

Well, everybody keeps calling me Karen,

and I don’t get it.

Is it, is it, like, a joke or something?

“Karen” is a pejorative term for a white person

who acts overly entitled and demanding.

Okay, well, that’s fucked up.

Don’t you think that’s a little, like, sexist?

I didn’t start it.

Well, who did?

The Internet.

So-so now somebody is a Karen

just ’cause they want to be treated with some respect?

I deserve to not have people walk all over me, okay?

I have the right to call the cops when things happen.

That’s fine, Karen.

Shelley, I deserve to not have…

What the fuck is he doing here?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Excuse me, this is my property.

Your soil seems very hydrated.

Must be getting lots of water.

What are you saying, that I use too much?

I use the water that my crops need and nothing more.

Is that a Slip ‘N Slide over there?

That is an agricultural Slip ‘N Slide, yes.

Apparently, you know nothing about farming.

Look, if you have any excess of water,

you might actually make some money, that’s all I’m saying.

Make money? Wait, what?

You heard of water transfers?

See, you have a lease to use some of the water

from your stream here, but what you don’t use,

you could actually sell the rights to.

I already talked to your neighbor about it.

Yeah, well, see, the thing is,

this farm is about Tegridy,

not stupid water rights.

And if you want to keep coming here and bugging me,

then I would like to speak to your manager

because you are harassing me,

and I am important.

Well, have a nice day, Karen.

It’s Randy!

I know what Karen means. I’m not stupid.

What the water commissioner said is true.

We have water rights to use 10,000 gallons

a month off our stream.

If we could cut back our agricultural water use by 50%

and show that our excess water is making it down

to the Denver Reservoir,

then we’d have the right to sell it.

You really think so?

I was a financial consultant

before I was a weed farmer… There’s potential here.

But how do we even prove the water

from our farms makes it all the way to Denver?

Raingutter regatta.

What?

We made those little boats in online COVID camp, remember?

Oh, yeah. I bet we could float that down our stream.

We demonstrate where the water goes,

and meanwhile,

we start selling off pieces of our water rights

to subscribers that want it.

Boys, can you build me a test boat?

Sure.

We’re about to start our very own

streaming service.

♪ Whores in this house ♪

♪ There’s some whores in this house ♪

♪ There’s some whores in this house, there’s some whores ♪

♪ In this house ♪

♪ I said certified freak ♪

♪ Seven days a week ♪

♪ Wet-ass pussy, make that pullout game weak ♪

♪ Woo, yeah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, you fucking with some ♪

♪ Wet-ass pussy, bring a bucket ♪

♪ And a mop for this wet-ass pussy… ♪

The Credigree Weed streaming service.

We are currently in beta testing

to see if our stream makes it to Denver,

but if it does, we are seeing

if there are any interested subscribers.

♪ Give me everything you got for this ♪

♪ Wet-ass pussy, beat it up, baby, catch a charge ♪

♪ Extra large and extra hard, put this pussy… ♪

Come on.

♪ Swipe your nose like a credit card ♪

♪ Hop on top, I want to ride, I do a kegel ♪

♪ While it’s inside, spit in my mouth, look in my eyes ♪

♪ This pussy is wet, come take a dive ♪

♪ Tie me up like I’m surprised ♪

♪ Let’s roleplay, I’ll wear a disguise ♪

♪ I want you to park that big Mack truck ♪

♪ Right in this little garage ♪

♪ Make it cream, make me scream ♪

♪ Out in public, make a scene, I don’t cook, I don’t clean ♪

♪ But let me tell you how I got this ring ♪

♪ Ayy, ayy ♪

♪ Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me ♪

♪ Quick, jump out ‘fore you let it get inside of me, I tell ♪

♪ Him where to put it, never tell him where I’m ’bout to be ♪

♪ I’ll run down on him ‘fore I have a… ayy… runnin’ me ♪

♪ Talk your shit, bite your lip ♪

♪ Ask for a car while you ride that dick ♪

♪ You really ain’t never got to fuck him for a thang ♪

♪ He already made his mind up ‘fore he came ♪

♪ Now get your boots and your coat ♪

♪ For this wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ He bought a phone just for pictures ♪

♪ Of this wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ Paid my tuition just to ♪

♪ Kiss me on this wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ Now make it rain if you want to see some ♪

♪ Wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ Now from the top, make it drop ♪

♪ That’s some wet-ass pussy, now get a bucket ♪

♪ And a mop, that’s some wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ I’m talkin’ WAP, WAP, WAP, that’s some ♪

♪ Wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ Macaroni in a pot ♪

♪ That’s some wet-ass pussy ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Whores in this house ♪

♪ There’s some whores in this house, there’s some whores ♪

♪ In this house, there’s some whores in this house ♪

♪ There’s some whores in this house, there’s some… ♪

Yeah! We did it! Yeah!

We totally did it, dude.

As you can see, the water from Credigree Farms flows

directly into Denver’s water supply.

Well, in that case, I suppose all your subscribers

get to have more water from the reservoir.

Ah. Oh.

You all make-a Pi Pi so happy.

Now, my water park can have a-plenty a-water

to mix with all-a the pee.

Of course,

you will have to prove

that the flow of water is constant.

We’ll need a little boat to come through

to the reservoir every day.

Every day?

Boys, I’m gonna need you to make a lot more boats for my stream.

How do you feel about… 20 bucks a boat?

20 bucks a boat? Hell yeah.

We’re gonna be rich, dude.

Mom. Mom, I need to talk to you.

Come on, sit down.

Eric, if you’re going to yell at me again

about our home, I really don’t have the strength.

No, Mom.

I’m never gonna need to yell at you ever again.

We’re gonna get out of here, Mom.

What are you talking about?

I’ve figured our way out of this hot dog.

I don’t know if you’ve seen, but there’s a rich guy

building a big house across the street.

We can live in that house, Mom.

We can have him take care of us.

Eric, how would we do that?

Because we are gonna get you

fake tits.

What?

Breast implants, Mom.

That’s what rich guys like.

You remember what Matt Damon said?

Fortune favors the brave, Mom.

When rich guys come up here and get one look at you with

your big, sweet tits, they’re gonna give us everything

Eric, that’s enough, okay?

What do you mean it’s enough? I’ve-I’ve figured it all out.

Rich guys want a woman with nice titties, Mom.

It’s very…

Okay.

Eric, I’m not comfortable talking about this.

Well, I’m not comfortable living in a fucking hot dog.

We live here because I gave in to you and quit my job.

What do you want from me, Eric?

I want you

to get breast implants, Mom.

So-so that rich guys like you,

and we can go live in a sweet house.

Please, Mom,

I just want you to get fake tits.

Eric, even if I wanted to,

the fact is, we can’t afford it.

A surgery like that is very expensive.

Like, how expensive?

At least $10,000.

$10,000?

Yes, Eric.

We can’t afford it?

We can’t afford it.

Chief.

Chief, there’s a big problem.

What is it?

We’ve got a code red emergency call on 911.

It’s Karen.

Oh, not Karen again. Jesus Christ.

Yes, Karen, how can we help you this time?

Okay, first of all, I know what it means

when you call me Karen, so you can just knock it off.

Secondly, secondly, my neighbor’s kid

is over here at my house.

There’s a kid trespassing at your house?

No, my son invited him over

for lunch, and my wife is making him hot dogs and tater tots,

even though I said I don’t want him here.

Well, then what harm is he doing, Karen?

His family farm is shady.

Did you know that they’re doing a streaming service?

I demand that you investigate.

How did they manage to even show that their water

goes through to Denver?

Hello? Are you listening to me?

I want to talk to your manager.

I’ve already told you, Karen, I don’t have a manager.

Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.

Can you believe that?

The cops aren’t even gonna do anything.

Oh, well, at least you tried, Karen.

It just doesn’t make sense.

How is that traitor able to prove his water

makes it down to Denver?

Well, um

maybe he got some creative people

to put something on his stream.

Yeah, I’ll bet you he did.

He’s got to be paying some expert or something.

Oh, if I could find that guy, I’d pay him double.

Well, you know, at camp, they had us build these

little boats, that, uh…

They’re kind of tough to make, but

I think that we could make you something.

And then we could float the boats downstream

from the farm with little Tegridy sails

on them to show people where the water’s coming from.

Could you guys build me a test boat right away?

Oh, uh, yeah, we could probably build you something, yeah.

I can’t wait to see the look on that traitor’s face

when he sees that we’re in the streaming business, too.

Last night, I had a dream that Ariana Grande

was trying to fuck her own ass with a gun,

but then she farted, and blood shot out her dick.

Ariana Grande? That’s hilarious.

Kyle.

Kenny. You guys, get over here.

Sit down, you guys. We need to talk.

What’s going on, dude?

Check this out.

Where’d you get that?

Making stuff for streaming services.

Holy shit. Really?

We made these for my family’s farm.

Then we took another deal to make them for Stan’s.

So then we went out and offered boats to, like,

three other farms, and now they want stuff

for their streams, too.

So, you guys want to help us?

I don’t get it.

You don’t have to. We don’t, either.

You just have to make boats.

But we want to keep it on the low

because we don’t want other kids copying us.

Are you guys gonna have Cartman help?

No. He’ll fuck it all up somehow.

Okay, I’m in.

Fuck.

Faster. Work faster.

We need to be up and running.

Excuse me.

Mr. Cussler, is it?

Who are you?

I’m the water commissioner.

I just, uh, wanted to see what you’re up to up here.

I’m not up to anything. Why?

Well, you know, there’s a lot of streaming services

starting up in this town, and, uh

word on the street is you might be trying to outdo them all.

They’re all just small time creeks.

When it comes to the Streaming Wars,

I intend to be the Amazon… River.

Yeah, well, you see, there’s regulations,

Mr. Cussler.

There’s state rules when it comes to streaming.

And, uh, well,

if you don’t follow them, bad things can happen.

Is that right? Boys?

I’m not some pissant little farmer, Commissioner.

You want to threaten me, I’ll threaten you right back.

I didn’t mean to threaten you, sir.

In fact,

I think I can help you.

We’ve only got 20 minutes left, you guys.

We’ve got to work faster.

I’m waiting on more Popsicle sticks.

Come on, Butters, you have to speed up your station.

I’m sucking down popsicles as fast as I can, fellas.

There you guys are.

How come you’re in the home ec room during recess?

Are those Popsicle stick boats?

Oh, yeah. We’re just making some Popsicle boats.

We’re gonna, you know, like, race them, you know.

You’re gonna race all those Popsicle boats?

Yeah, just, you know,

race them, see which one wins.

Right-right, fellas?

Oh. That sounds like a fun activity. Um

I was just gonna ask you guys,

do you know any way to, like, raise money?

What do you mean?

We have no idea what you’re talking about.

Okay, I just

I need to try and raise some money because

my mom needs to have a surgery,

and we can’t afford it.

Oh. Dude…

How much does your mom need for her surgery?

About $10,000. I’m sorry, you guys.

Just go back to your boat races. I’ll talk to you later.

Cartman, wait.

You actually can help us.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Look, dude, we’re actually making money

for a streaming service.

Really? Yeah, come on.

You can help us, and we’ll cut you in on the profits.

Oh, my God, what-what streaming service is it?

It’s a bunch of different ones.

Here, help me cut out these masts.

Okay, yeah, sure.

And, Cartman, I’m sorry.

Thanks, Kyle.

♪ ♪

It’s a green boat.

Anyone on the green boat

streaming service can have their allotment

of water for the day.

Oh, here comes the white boat.

Subscribers to.

Kush Country Farms Streaming service

have their allotments.

Escusi. Escusi.

Pi Pi’s been a-waiting all day for his water ticket.

My water park need water.

You’ll just have to be patient.

There’s a lot of different streaming services now.

Yes, there’s a-too many streaming services.

There’s a streaming service for this-a,

and streaming service for that-a.

Pi Pi can’t find his stuff-a.

Why can’t-a Pi Pi just have

a one streaming service have-a everything?

Pi Pi got a streaming service he like-a,

and then-a Pi Pi’s stuff not on it.

Pi Pi so confuse-a.

Yeah, yeah, we’re getting more supplies now.

You guys just keep building boats.

We’ll be there fast as we can.

Dude, I’m starting to think we took on too much.

It’s okay.

It’s not okay.

We haven’t even finished Karen’s boats yet.

I do not want to piss Karen off.

Tolkien, I’ve told you, don’t worry about Karen.

Everything’s gonna be fine.

Hello, boys. That’s quite a haul you have there.

My name is Mr. Cussler.

I bought some property up here.

I’ve been asking around, and, uh

I believe you’re the ones responsible,

for these?

Maybe.

Fantastic little boats.

I’m a big fan of your work.

I have a nice stream going through my property,

and I’d like you to make something for me.

Oh, we’re-we’re pretty, uh…

We’re pretty loaded up, man.

Oh, I’m sure you are.

That’s why I’d like to make you an exclusive deal.

I want 10,000 of your little boats,

and I’ll pay you $15,000.

$15,000?

But I’m gonna need them right away. Say three days?

I have… big plans.

Dude, we can’t make 10,000 boats in three days.

We’ll do it.

Cartman, come on, that looks like shit.

Come on what, Kyle?

Look, I-I know we’re making a lot of these,

but we still have to make them look nice.

Does it really matter?

Yes, it matters.

The streaming services are paying for nice boats.

They don’t give a fuck, Kyle.

They’re gonna take everything they can get.

Everyone knows, at the end of the day,

there’s only gonna be, like, three streaming services,

so they, like, everyone just wants to have their shit

on their stream and get bought out, you know?

And they don’t give a fuck how good anything is.

And the people who made all the deals, they don’t give a fuck

’cause they’re all gonna get fired anyway, you know?

And everyone working at this streaming service

is now working over at that streaming service.

No one gives a shit about what fucking goes on in it.

Butters, I-I think you’ve had too many popsicles.

Yeah, I think maybe I’ve had one too many popsicles.

You guys, you guys, we did it.

What’d we do?

We just got an offer for 10,000 boats.

It’s $15,000, you guys.

That’s almost $3,000 each.

We’re millionaires!

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, hey, aren’t you guys forgetting something?

Cartman’s mom’s surgery?

Oh, right.

Well, what do you say, guys?

With this money, before we do anything,

we pay for Cartman’s mom’s surgery.

You definitely have my share, Eric.

Mine, too.

I really

really… don’t fucking deserve you guys.

Come on, let’s get to work.

Just how bad could the water situation get

for Park County farmers this summer?

A new study says this year’s snowpack

has almost completely melted, and, once again,

ManBearPig is to blame.

That’s right, Tom. It appears ManBearPig

has done a lot more damage this year than originally predicted.

As the spring thaws continue,

we simply aren’t seeing that much water

from way up on the mountain peaks.

If ManBearPig is truly out there,

then farmers might want to start looking

at the state of that snowpack, Tom.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Over here.

Here!

What is all this? What happened?

The housing market up here

it went crazy.

We’ve just been selling properties

without sleeping or eating.

This property here was the last to get an offer.

The seller countered, but we haven’t heard back,

and it’s really a buyer’s market.

Who’s buying it all?

Some rich guy from the city.

But we are currently taking backup offers,

if you’d like. Do you have a broker?

We are really the best in town. My coworker Janice

sold over 100 listings in 72 hours.

Look at this.

They were right about ManBearPig.

There’s not nearly as much snow as last year.

Yeah. There’s a lot you can do with this property.

It has explosive views

and a southern exposure for those chilly winter nights.

You can’t sell all the land up here.

Can’t you see they just want the water?

That’s probably why they asked for the inspection contingency.

We countered with an extra 20 days

until close of escrow. We got them.

There’s no snow up here.

There won’t be enough water for South Park.

You…

You could have a walkout basement here

with room for an outdoor kitchen.

Think of the entertaining potential.

Do you like to entertain?

“Cussler Industries”?

Huh? Huh?

Oh!

♪ ♪

My streaming service!

♪ Happy surprise time ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Something’s happened that’s cool… ♪

What is this, Eric?

♪ Just sit down right here ♪

♪ Your son has done something cool. ♪

Are you ready, Mom?

Yes. What is it, sweetie?

Wait a minute, Eric, what is this?

Okay, hello, Mrs. Cartman. I’m Dr. Stevens.

I understand you’re interested in breast augmentation?

That’s right, she is.

Well, there are a few options.

We prefer the saline implants now.

They-they can be put either under

the chest muscle or on top.

Did you have any idea what size breasts you wanted to achieve?

The largest size.

Eric, I’ve told you a hundred times,

I’m not getting a boob job.

Uh, I’m a bit confused here, Mrs. Cartman.

Your procedure has already been completely paid for.

What?

Surprise!

I raised all the money, Mom. It’s done.

No, Eric. I said I don’t want breast implants.

You said we couldn’t afford it.

I went out, and I worked every day,

and I got you the money for new tits, Mom.

I’m fine with my body the way it is.

You are, but rich guys aren’t. Am I right, Doctor?

Okay, uh, Mrs. Cartman,

if you’d like to just go back up to the front office,

they can refund all the money.

No! No, Doctor, please, I live in a hot dog!

Because he made me quit my job,

and I promised myself

I wouldn’t give in to him ever again.

Get fake tits or else I’ll call the police, Mom.

Do what you want, Eric. I am done with this.

Fine, then I’ll run away.

You’ll just have to run away, then.

I’ll go live with Grandma.

I’m sure Grandma would love that.

I’ve given in to you too many times, Eric.

It stops now.

You’re not gonna give in, huh? We’ll just see about that.

Doctor, keep those tits on ice.

What is that?

It’s… it’s a little boat.

Stan, are you making stuff

for other streaming services?

Stanley? We had a deal.

Are you making stuff for other streaming services, yes or no?

Yes. This guy paid us a shitload of money.

I paid you a shitload of money.

Yeah, we make them for whoever pays us.

We make stuff for Credigree, too.

For Credigree?

They’re the enemy, Stan.

You live here.

You’re exclusive to Tegridy Weed.

Everyone is fighting and trying to get rich,

and we’re just in the middle doing our thing.

Doing your thing. Wow.

You’re a fucking dick.

How much money’s enough, Stan?

Cock-sucking cunt.

What is going on?

Oh, nothing.

Your son and his friends just made exclusive deals

for multiple streaming services.

Ugh.

Oh, but I guess that’s just Karen

being Karen again, huh?

Yeah, screw whatever Karen thinks.

Maybe it’s bad for business, but fuck Karen.

Okay, I’m sorry.

We’re going to march right over to where this guy lives,

and tell him that you can’t possibly take on

another streaming service without sacrificing

the quality of your product.

Rats.

Well, Mom, I guess I’ll be leaving now.

Oh, really? Where are you going?

I can’t do this anymore, Mom.

If you won’t listen to me, then I really don’t have a choice.

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that, Eric.

I hope you take good care of yourself.

Okay, well, I guess I’ll just ask you one more time

if you would please get fake tits. I know

I’m not getting breast implants, Eric.

Okay, that’s fine.

So, you’re running away?

Oh, I’m not running away, Mom.

No, that would be the easy way out.

You remember when I told you how easy

breast enhancement would be,

and you said, “If it’s so easy, why don’t you do it?”

Well, I’m taking your advice, Mom.

If you won’t get fake breasts, then I will.

What?

I’ve already paid the clinic,

and I’ll just tell them that the implants were for me.

You know it’s 2022, right?

You know they do surgeries like this to kids now?

Guess I’ll just go and get fake tits, Mom.

Well, Eric, I guess that’s just your choice.

Mom, I’m serious. It’s 2022.

They do these kinds of surgeries to kids now.

Yes, I know.

Okay, well, then I’m gonna go to the doctor,

and I’m gonna go get breast implants.

Okay.

Okay, Mom, I’m going out the door.

Okay, sweetie, be safe.

Gonna go get fake tits now.

If that’s what you want, Eric.

It’s not what I want, it’s what you’re making me do, Mom.

Okay, honey, well, I love you.

Okay, well, I’ll see you.

Bye, honey.

Gonna go get breast implants.

I’ll come pick you up when you’re done.

Cool.

Come on.

Yes?

Hello, we’d like to speak with Mr. Cussler, please.

For what?

Well, I want to let him know that my son here

made a streaming deal that he had no business making.

Didn’t you, Stan?

No, technically, no.

Technically what?

I’m afraid Mr. Cussler can’t see you.

Oh, really? Okay, well,

you go and tell him that it’s Karen Marsh, okay?

And that I will talk to him right now.

He can’t talk to you because he’s dead.

What?

Mr. Cussler’s body was found several hours ago.

He was… attacked

by ManBearPig.

Everyone keep this area clear.

I need casts of the footprints.

Keep your radios down. We don’t want the press showing up.

What’s going on here?

Aw, shit, it’s Karen.

Hey, look, my son was in business with this guy.

You really think he was killed by ManBearPig?

Take a look for yourself.

Something tore him apart and shit in his face.

Workers found him late this morning.

The footprints are those of a pig,

but the claw marks are those of a bear,

and the excrement, clearly that of a man.

Why would ManBearPig single him out?

Apparently, this Cussler guy

was taking advantage of the water supply.

ManBearPig must’ve gotten some kind of vengeance

for the rich guy’s greed.

Oh, no.

Karen? What is it?

Karen?

It’s just that

if ManBearPig was getting vengeance on Cussler,

would he also want to come after my son?

Ah, yes. Come on-a in.

It’s a-open.

Hello, Pi Pi. Do you have a minute?

Oh, my good friend from-a Credigree Farm-a.

So nice a-you to visit. Mwah. Mwah.

Look. Everything going good for-a Pi Pi water park.

Everyone having fun.

Yes, that’s what I came to talk to you about.

Pi Pi, I’m sorry, but

I’m going to have to cancel my streaming service.

What? Cancel-a Pi Pi?

The drought is worse than everyone thought.

ManBearPig did a lot of damage this year and

I don’t have enough water for my crops.

Oh, that’s too bad.

It’s too bad ’cause now you fucked, a-huh?

I need my water rights back,

or else my farm won’t survive.

Oh, you make-a Pi Pi cry.

What-a you expect-a, huh?

It’s a drought everywhere.

Why you think I buy your water?

You can-a suck Pi Pi dick, huh?

Hey, you son of a bitch.

You knew what you were doing the whole time.

You think I’m just gonna sit here and take it?

I’ll call the water commissioner.

Oh, no. No, you-you don’t have to call him.

He’s right here.

Afternoon, pal.

How’s the drought treating you?

So, the water commissioner was working

for you the whole time.

Well, I don’t have a problem kicking both of your asses.

Oh, I’d be a little more worried about the other guy.

ManBearPig. He’s working for you, too?

Everybody wants to get in the streaming business.

You’re the one who bought all the properties

on the mountaintop.

You just have it all figured out, don’t you?

Yeah, looks like-a Pi Pi has it all pretty figured out.

Goddamn it, I’m not gonna let you.

I’m sorry, Pi Pi can’t hear you.

How is he?

I believe he’s coming to, Doctor.

Hello, Eric. Just want to let you know everything went fine.

We’re gonna let the anesthesia wear off

a little more, and then we can let you go home.

Okay. Um, cool.

Well, you did it, Eric.

I hope you’re happier now.

They all said you were very insistent.

That you said you’d cancel them if they didn’t

put breast implants in one of us.

I-I…

I-I have fake tits?

They said that tube

is for draining blood while the swelling goes down.

Your breasts are swollen now as a reaction to the implants.

Okay, well, now that you see how serious I was,

what’re you gonna do now?

I’m gonna go down and get some grocery shopping done.

Mom?

I will go to school like this.

You’re gonna have to give in at some point.

Mom?

Well, have you guys seen Butters or Cartman?

What the hell is going on?

I don’t know, but we have

a lot of boats to make, and recess is almost over.

You guys. You guys.

There you are. What’s wrong dude?

Um, we need to stop making stuff for streaming services.

What’re you talking about?

It’s all getting really weird.

The guy we made the deal with? He was killed.

He was killed?

I think we got greedy. I got greedy.

We should’ve never gotten involved in the streaming wars.

They’ve upset the balance of nature.

Hey, whoa, whoa, Stan.

We weren’t greedy, okay?

We made the money for a good reason.

Yeah, dude. Don’t forget,

everything we did was for a good cause.

You guys.

You guys, something

is seriously wrong with my mom.

She’s acting crazy.

Are any of your parents acting weird at all?

Hey, fellas, are we making more boats for the… Whoa, hello!

Jesus, what happened to you, Eric?

Okay, okay, fine. I was hoping everyone would just be cool, but I guess we need to talk about the elephants in the room.

This was not a choice.

You guys, I… I live in a hot dog, okay?

And all I want is to have a real home, and a room that is mine to sleep in at night.

To… Is something funny, Clyde?

Yeah, it’s real funny.

If I were you guys, I’d be super pissed at my mom because you worked hard for this money.

All right, Cartman, stop fucking around.

Obviously, those aren’t real.

I didn’t say they’re real. They’re not real.

They’re silicone implants surgically inserted under the chest muscle.

Nobody believes you actually got fake tits.

These are real fake tits.

Kenny, feel them. Go on. Feel them.

Those are fucking real, dude.

What?

Thank you, Kenny.

Now, if we can all get our minds off fucking boobs for a second, something’s happened to my mom.

Mom? Mom, what’s wrong?

Mom, slow down, I can’t understand you.

What do you mean Dad is missing?

See?

I want to congratulate you, Pi Pi.

It appears you’ve won the streaming wars.

And I want to thank-a you for your service.

It’s been-a nice working with you.

You think it’s over?

You’re gonna need me more than ever.

Oh, but, uh, but I have-a everything I need now.

Water?

You silly little guy.

You really think you own all the water now?

You know who actually owns the water?

The State of Colorado.

Every drop that rains from the sky.

Your little water rights won’t mean anything when Arizona comes knocking, when Kansas wants all their water.

Oh, no. You make-a Pi Pi worry.

You’re gonna need me for a long time, buddy.

You know who really own the water?

Nobody.

Now, the people a Denver, they think they have-a plenty of water, so they gonna go and use it all.

And when all the water is-a gone, there’s only one thing left for people to use.

The one thing that-a Pi Pi have more than everybody, huh?

No, no, no. It’s good. It’s completely safe.

Just a little salty, eh?

You’re planning on selling piss?

It’s-a, it’s-a destiny.

All the fresh water go bye-bye.

Everybody gonna have to wash their clothes in pee.

Brush their teeth in pee, no?

And who has the most pee in all the land-a?

Only a psychopath would speed up climate change for his own profit.

Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody.

He just gonna kill you first.

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

♪ All you want to do is use me ♪

♪ Uh-huh, but my answer ♪

♪ Yeah, to all that use me stuff ♪

♪ I-I-I, yes, I want ♪

♪ To spread the news ♪

♪ That if it feels this good getting used ♪

♪ Oh, you just keep on using me… ♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪

♪ My brother ♪

♪ Sit me right down ♪

♪ And he talked to me ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ And I want to spread the news ♪

♪ That if it feels this good getting used ♪

♪ Girl, you just keep on using me ♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

♪ All you want to do is use me ♪

♪ Uh-huh, but my answer ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Yeah, to all that use me stuff ♪

♪ I-I-I, yes, I want to spread the news ♪

♪ That if it feels this good getting used ♪

♪ Oh, you just keep on using me. ♪

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