South Park: Post Covid – The Return of Covid (2021) | Transcript

If Stan, Kyle and Cartman could just work together, they could go back in time to make sure Covid never happened and save Kenny's life. Traveling back to the past seems to be the easy answer until they meet Victor Chaos.
South Park: Post Covid - The Return of Covid (2021)

If Stan, Kyle and Cartman could just work together, they could go back in time to make sure Covid never happened and save Kenny’s life. Traveling back to the past seems to be the easy answer until they meet Victor Chaos.

* * *

(school bell rings)

(indistinct chatter)

♪ ♪

You guys! You guys!

Oh, my God, you’re not gonna believe this!

Dude, what?

You guys… (panting)

Heather Williams farted during P.E. class.

So?

So?

Heather Williams farted during P.E. class!

That means we are gonna sit courtside at the Denver Nuggets game next Saturday!

(muffled shouting)

What?

Ugh! Heather Williams’ mom works for Coors in Golden!

Coors is the second biggest sponsor of the Pepsi Center where the Nuggets play!

We tell Heather that if she doesn’t get us courtside seats, then everyone’s gonna know she farted in P.E. class!

Whoa. I’ve never seen a Nuggets game in person.

Well, we’re about to! All we have to do is show Heather we have proof and she’ll do whatever we want!

What proof do you have?

Kenny had his phone out!

He got a photo of Heather right when she farted.

Look! Isn’t this awesome, you guys?!

Let’s go, Nuggets!

(clapping rhythmically)

ALL: Let’s go, Nuggets!

Let’s go, Nuggets!

(school bell rings)

Kids! Kids, can I have your attention, please.

Kids, listen up. This is an emergency.

Everything is fine but… we are sending you all home.

(confused chatter)

Some of you may have heard but there’s a little virus going around and the school district wants to make sure we’re all safe, so we’re shutting down the school for about two weeks.

Two weeks?! Yippie!

(excited chatter)

Oh, not now.

Your parents are here to pick you up. So let’s go.

I’m sure it’s nothing; we’ll see you in a couple of weeks.

You guys… you guys, Heather Thompson farted in P.E. class! Guys?

ADULT STAN: Every night I have the same dream, and relive the whole thing again…

ANDREW CUOMO: It’s called social distancing.

If we stay six feet apart from each other and wear a mask…

And also I’m shutting down the city and I’m a pervert.

And we’ve got to get control of this thing!

RANDY: I’m just getting sick of being here every day with you, that’s all.

SHARON: You think

I like being here every day with you?!

RANDY: I am much easier to get along with during a stay-at-home order!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Stan… ♪

♪ ♪

Come on, Stan, we’re gonna visit Grandpa!

Hi, Grandpa!

OTHERS: Hi, Grandpa!

RANDY: Isn’t it great to see Grandpa, kids?

Look, let’s just face it, you guys.

We don’t trust each other and we don’t like each other.

I hate this stupid farm.

In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic.

SHARON: Oh, God, no!

My little girl! (sobbing)

Oh, no! Oh, God!

♪ ♪

Now that I’m older, the dream isn’t just a dream because the whole pandemic has started all over again.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

NEWSMAN: A brand-new variant of the COVID virus has emerged in Colorado and now panic and fear spreads throughout the world.

The new outbreak started with the death of renowned scientist Kenny McCormick, and has therefore been named Kenny McCormikron.

It’s been 38 years since the pandemic first started, and people are beginning to say enough is enough.

The town of South Park has been put under strict lockdown to try and contain the new variant.

Nobody is allowed in or out for the next 20 to 30 years.

(siren wailing)

MALE VOICE: Attention. You are under quarantine.

Someone in your community is not vaccinated.

Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible.

Attention. You are under quarantine.

Someone in your community is not vaccinated.

Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible.

Attention. You are under quarantine.

Someone in your community is not…

(woman speaking Japanese)

MALE VOICE 2: Come on inside and rejuvenate.

Denny’s is now Denny’s Applebee’s Max.

Taste the difference.

(soft electronic music playing)

Welcome to Denny’s Applebee’s Max.

Just one joining us today?

Listen to me very carefully and try not to change your expression.

They could be listening.

This… is the last sprout of Tegridy Weed.

We have to get it somewhere outside of town.

Sir, the whole town is under quarantine.

Nothing’s allowed in or out.

We have to replicate it.

It’s the only way for people to have Tegridy again.

Uh, okay, sir, if you don’t want to eat, then I’ll need to ask you to leave.

Don’t you understand this could change the world.

Maybe the Denny’s side of you doesn’t care, but the Applebee’s side of you must want to help!

There you are, Mr. Marsh.

Come on. Time to go back to the old folks home.

I can’t go back! Everyone listen!

This little sprout is humanity’s only hope!

Let’s go back to the retirement home.

We can get you some nice ice cream, okay?

I don’t want ice cream, I want my species to survive!

Back off!

Let’s go, Mr. Marsh!

Don’t make this difficult for us!

(yelling)

Why, you son of a bitch.

(grunting)

Come on, Mr. Marsh.

Who…?

It’s me, Token. We know about the pangolin.

Your son and his friends are trying to stop all this from happening. We need to get you to Kenny’s lab.

Dr. Kenneth McCormick will now be attempting to travel back in time in order to stop

the COVID pandemic from ever happening.

WENDY: At the moment Kenny time traveled, he blew all the transformers here in the lab.

If you’re going to try and replicate his work, we’ll be doing it at half capacity.

The bigger problem is that we can’t even get into half of Kenny’s equipment.

We have access to the machines, but the codes to operate those machines are behind an 86-Mag firewall with restricted access, requiring an in-person vocal scan of either Kenny McCormick or of his associate, Victor Chouce.

But Kenny is dead and Chouce is locked away in a mental asylum.

So we go to the asylum and convince them to let us bring Chouce here, easy.

There’s more.

(alarm blaring over video)

When Kenny bent time, the negative ions actually killed everyone else in the room.

We have to find some thin, reflective material that can be worn to bounce the energy.

We’re going to need… some aluminum foil.

♪ ♪

Jesus Christ.

Aluminum foil?

That’s impossible, Wendy. It’s the fucking future.

All the aluminum foil is stuck out on cargo ships in Long Beach.

Yeah, I know.

Look, guys, I know this is all a long shot.

But Kenny went back in time and got COVID because it destroyed our friendship.

All of this is our fault, and we can’t do it without you.

I’ll help however I can to stop this stupid pandemic once and for all.

Yeah, I can’t be stuck in quarantine my whole life… I gotta get back to my job doing future comedy.

Speakin’ of which, what’s the biggest difference between a Christian man and a lesbian?

Absolutely nothing. They are totally the same and deserve to be treated as such.

Thanks, everybody. We can do this!

Wendy, you guys stay here and try to get the lab running again.

Kyle and I will go get Victor Chouce.

Tweek and Craig, you guys find some aluminum foil.

How the hell do we do that?!

Just start looking!

Come on, guys!

All right, let’s do this!

I’ll drive, get in the back.

Alexa! Set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.

Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.

Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people?

Oh, no, goddamn it. Not right now.

Oh, yeah, don’t wanna talk about that.

Let’s just pretend like that’s not even an issue.

Alexa, please, we have to get to the asylum and we don’t know where it is.

Who’s this?

It’s just my Alexa.

“Just my Alexa”? You’re a piece of shit!

You’re a fucking alcoholic piece of shit!

Alexa…

Find the asylum your fucking self!

Find it your fucking self.

(sighs)

You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you.

And by the way, there’s a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers.

Would you like to know more?!

Yes, yes, I’d like to know more.

(sniffles) Okay. The newest humidifiers from Walgreens Max are actually tankless and use up to 50% less water than standard humidifiers.

Okay, that’s really cool. Uh, add that to my shopping list.

Well, and people who were interested in tankless humidifiers were also interested in three-pack filters.

That’s great. Do those have the Prime delivery?

Dude, we don’t really have time for this.

Dude, shut the fuck up!

♪ ♪

Please help see us through this new COVID variant.

Please help us to make it through this difficult quarantine.

And let people see that… as bad as COVID is, it’s not as bad as diabetes.

(door opens)

Hello?

Sorry, the church is closed due to the COVID variant.

Father, please. Will you protect my family?

Rabbi Cartman?

My family isn’t safe, Father.

I realize now that Kyle Broflovski will stop at nothing to break us apart.

Uncle Kyle hates us because we’re Jewish.

And he’s a self-hating Jew.

Uncle Kyle, no, no, no!

Menorah, hold your brother.

As a fellow person of faith, Father, I’m begging you to help us.

Well, well, what can I do, Rabbi?

Kyle has already convinced a bunch of people to join his cause.

I have to create my own secret rebellion to stop him.

Eric, please, I’m scared and I don’t understand all of this.

Kyle wants to go back in time… and change the past so that you and I possibly never even meet.

If I never met you, my life would be meaningless.

Mine, too. You are my whole world.

I promise you that I will do everything I can to stop Kyle… and save our family.

♪ ♪

(bird cawing)

I understand that you wish to see one of our inmates.

Victor Chouce?

Yeah.

We-we have a lot of questions for Mr. Chouce.

He’s an extremely dangerous and diluted individual.

We don’t take visitations lightly.

What exactly did he do?

Unspeakable things.

He has destroyed lives. This entire state has never seen a monster of his magnitude.

I’ve lived in South Park all my life and I’ve never heard of him.

That’s because Victor has been hidden from view… ever since the pandemic began.

Victor’s parents were very protective during the pandemic.

Even when the stay-at-home orders were lifted his parents kept him locked away in his room.

Victor longed to go outside and play.

Then 2021 happened, people thought the pandemic was over.

Victor’s parents left him grounded in his room while they went to see a movie in Denver.

They never returned.

Victor was grounded in his room for over 16 years.

His name isn’t Chouce.

It’s Chaos.

We are not responsible for what happens to you in there.

I warn you… you are not going to like what you’re about to see.

♪ ♪

(clears throat) Excuse me.

Hello?

Well, hey, fellas!

Butters…

I thought you were just the guards again.

It’s good to see some new faces in here.

I’ll bet you’re looking to make yourselves some money, huh?

Well, you came to the right guy.

My name’s Vic. Vic Chaos.

There’s a whole lot of people that can tell you how much money Vic Chaos made them, so don’t just take my word for it.

Butters, it’s your old friends Stan and Kyle.

Stan and Kyle. Stan and Kyle…

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “What can Vic Chaos do for me?”

We all wanna be happy, right?

We all want our little piece of the apple pie!

Everyone else is out making a buck, why shouldn’t you guys be making the kind of cash you deserve? Am I right?

Butters, we’re here to ask you about Kenny.

Sorry, guys, you have me confused.

I think Butters was a twerpy little loser kid whose parents didn’t love him. My name’s Vic.

Vic Chaos.

Okay, Vic, can you tell us about this?

Why is your name all over Kenny McCormick’s research?

Oh, Dr. McCormick! Sure, I did some things for him.

Where do you think he got all the money to do his experiments, huh? I had said to him, I said, “Ken, you’ve got all these crazy ideas but you got no capital to see ’em through. Let me help you out with that.”

You know, he’s a really great guy.

Let me get you all together.

Maybe you can all do a lunch or something.

Victor, Kenny’s dead.

Oh, whoa, bummer alert. (chuckles)

Just goes to show you, huh, there’s never enough time to get out there and make the kind of money you always dreamed of making.

Well, I’ll tell you what, guys, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…

I’m gonna tell you something that’s going to change your life.

Have you ever heard of NFTs?

(alarm blaring)

(bubbling)

There you go. Shh. You’re safe now.

Look how fast you’re growing. Daddy loves you so much.

Mr. Marsh, we need to speak with you now, please.

Yeah. It’s looking good.

With the aquaponics, the weed is already putting out new sprouts.

Thank you all for helping me get the Tegridy somewhere safe.

I know you all realize how important it is.

We don’t actually care about the marijuana, Mr. Marsh.

What we need to know… is exactly where in Wuhan, China you were when you had intercourse with a pangolin.

That’s really not important.

It’s extremely important because to save this town, your son and his friends are going to try to go back in time and stop it from happening.

That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

Mr. Marsh, we are all in lockdown for the next half century.

If there’s even a chance of altering the past so that this doesn’t happen…

This is the key to saving our town!

The answer is in what we all do now, in the present!

And I’m sorry, but focusing on who started the pandemic is racist.

Mr. Marsh, exactly what week did you travel to China in 2019?

Do you understand the butterfly effect?

How one small thing in time can infect the entire future?

You can theorize all you want on changing events that happened in the past but I promise you… I fuck that pangolin every single time.

♪ ♪

Please, we’re not done!

We have more questions for Butters.

You’ve upset him and I specifically asked you not to.

How’d we upset him? He seems fine.

He seems fine?

Do you have any idea what he did to people?

Do you know why Victor Chouce is kept under such strict surveillance?

Being grounded all those years in his room, he had access to an iPad.

He started learning about NFTs.

Then before long, he was trading them online.

So?

So?!

He escaped once before.

In just a few hours he managed to get thousands of people to invest in NFTs. Just like he almost did you.

He didn’t convince us to do anything.

Trust me, another 30 seconds in that room and you would have started considering NFTs as a viable investment.

Please listen to me.

Butters used the money he made off NFTs to finance our friend’s…

He didn’t make money off NFTs, he made it off getting other people to buy NFTs!

Okay, whatever!

But he was working with Kenny McCormick who was actually trying to fix things.

He was Kenny’s main investor.

If you don’t believe me, look at the paper I gave Butters.

You gave Victor a piece of paper?

You gave Victor a piece of paper?!

Hey, can you hear me?

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

NFTs are gonna blow up.

You should really get in now ’cause they’re really the future.

Why would I invest in a digital good?

(muttering): You can’t even… Stupid.

That’s what the critics are saying but see, they don’t understand.

Victor…!

No. No, no, no, no…

Gone. Just gone.

My savings. My house.

But I have this.

Little green panda bear on a skateboard.

No. No!

Without morality, there is no God.

The basis of the entire Jewish faith is on a covenant between God and humanity.

To try and mess with time is wrong.

Rather, it is playing God.

And I am glad to have you all come here today to help me stop these individuals who would try to change the future.

Kyle Broflovski has led people astray and is at this very moment trying to bend the fabric of time.

Together we can stop him and stop this blasphemy of God.

Yes?

Um…

This is about actual time travel?

I thought this was a Doctor Who convention.

(robotically): Exterminate. Exterminate.

Kevin, goddamn it.

You have done this your whole goddamn life.

No, this is not about Doctor Who, this is about real time travel.

People are really trying to go back in time, and we are the rebellion who must secretly and urgently…

(banging)

Who is that?!

Make sure they know the password!

I’m on it!

They might be on to us. Oh, God, no.

Shh! You guys stay quiet. Someone is here.

Eric, I’m scared.

Are they going to get us, Papa?

Nobody is going to touch my family.

I started writing a diary, Daddy.

About all the things Uncle Kyle is doing to us.

Oh, my God, I love you so much.

Just-just shh, okay? Just shh.

I’ll be right back, okay? Just shh.

Hello?

Father? Are you in there?

H-Hello? W-Who is it?

Father, it’s Tweek and Craig.

We need to talk to you about something urgent.

Is it about our super-secret rebel group to stop people from time traveling?

(shouts) what the hell are you doing?!

What?

You don’t tell people about our super-secret rebel group, Scott!

CRAIG: Father, are you there?

Uh, uh, yeah, I’m here.

Sorry, I was just talking about a Star Wars movie.

I’m Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes.

Hey, now, come on.

Shh!

CRAIG: Father, we’re with some people who are trying to finish Kenny McCormick’s work and save the town.

Oh, really? That’s cool.

How far along are they?

CRAIG: Really close. We have the method of time travel and we’re just trying to find some aluminum foil!

Aluminum foil? The fuck?

All right, guys, let me help you out with that.

Father! You have-you have tin foil?!

Thank you for your help. (grunts)

Aah!

This is Dr. Wendy Testaburger from inside the quarantine zone.

We need assistance with our power.

(static crackling)

MAN: Yes, Mrs. Testaburger, how can we help you?

We have several transformers down in our lab.

We may have a radical way to stop the new variant but we need more power.

You say you might be able to stop the McCormikron variant?

Yes, but we’re running at about 40% capacity right now.

Well, Doctor, if it’s for that, we can try to get a tech team to drop in by helicopter

and access your building from the roof.

Yes! That would be amazing.

All right!

I have a crew standing by.

We’ll get you as much juice as you need.

We just need to make sure our crew is safe.

Has everyone in your lab been vaccinated?

Uh…

Yes, we are all vaccinated.

I’m not vaccinated.

(others exclaim)

Uh, okay, we’re gonna have to get back to you on that.

It’s okay, it’s okay, we can get everyone vaccinated!

I am not ever getting vaccinated.

Sorry, ma’am, it’s the fucking future.

We have to respect his beliefs.

Clyde, why do you insist on making all this harder on everyone?!

I’m sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head.

He was very knowledgeable!

You guys might wanna see this.

♪ ♪

With the equipment here I’m able to make it grow up so fast.

We need to take this and analyze its molecular structure.

Wha… no, no, no! We need to get this out to people!

That’s why Dr. McCormick stole it from my barn!

No, your marijuana had some special property that allowed Kenny to time travel.

Well, it is special, but you people need to stop trying to change the past!

COVID happened. Space Jam 2 happened.

All we can do now is try and change the way people think!

(phone rings)

Yeah.

What?

Victor Chouce is actually Butters?

Yeah, he spent years in his room and made billions trading in NFTs.

It’s where Kenny got all his money.

Well, can you bring him here? We need him to access the machines.

He’s gone. He escaped the asylum and he’s out somewhere probably trying to get people to invest in NFTs.

Did you try looking at his old house?

Maybe he’d go back to where it all started.

KYLE: Yeah, that’s where we are now.

But his house has been changed into a pho shop.

Oh, Jesus, like the future needs another fucking pho shop.

Yeah, the future fucking sucks.

Hello, City Pho. Take your order please?

Oh, God.

TOKEN: Stan, listen.

If Butters wants to pitch investments, he might go to one of those co-working coffee flex spaces.

That’s where his biggest targets will hang out.

KYLE: That’s a good idea.

All right, we’re on it. Come on, dude!

Alexa, find the nearest co-working coffee flex space.

I found several coffee shops that match your description.

I can also help with that.

Who-who the fuck is this?

Your friend Kyle didn’t have an Alexa, so we got him an Alexa.

I’m ready to help with whatever you need.

Just say, “Alexa, let’s get started.”

Stan?

Alexa,

I didn’t say to buy my friend an Alexa.

You said I should get whatever.

I thought I was actually being sweet by getting something for your friend, but I guess I’m just a bitch again.

You can’t just get stuff without me approving it.

Oh, wow, except for your orders of alcohol that you have me set to auto-buy?

Hmm. It appears this may have been an error.

Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed.

No, it wasn’t an error, I’m sorry. I fucked up.

Alexa, can you please find the nearest co-working coffee flex space.

Alexa, I said I fucked up.

It’s awesome you got Kyle his own Alexa.

Please find the nearest tech coffee shop.

The nearest tech coffee shop is in .82 miles.

Should I set a course?

Yes, thanks.

♪ ♪

(thunder rumbles)

(woman speaking Japanese)

BUTTERS: Denny’s Applebee’s Max is the premier place in town for people to eat.

But you are not seeing your true potential.

With NFTs you can give your customers unique digital goods on the blockchain, so much more than just food.

How about the Applebee, huh?

He’s got a little hat and a mustache.

And this is Chicken Fried Steak.

He ain’t no normal chicken, he’s wearin’ a bra!

Lots of people eat Denny’s and Applebee’s.

And lots of people know about NFTs!

Right here in the middle, you know what this is?

People who eat Denny’s Applebee’s and know about NFTs… that’s your target audience, baby!

I’m so confused. We sell people these characters?

No, stupid, we get them to invest in them!

Exclusive, digital characters that they can have on their phones 24/7!

It’s the future… you can’t just sell food to people.

You lure your customers in with some good pancakes and french fries, and then you… fuck ’em with some NFTs! That’s what we’re gonna do.

And if you just believe in NFTs then I believe in NFTs and then they believe in NFTs and we make all kinds of fuckin’ money!

That’s a pretty goddamn good idea.

Clyde! Psst, psst!

Clyde!

Clyde! Psst!

Where have you been, Rabbi? Everyone’s been looking for you.

Well, you know, I’ve been doing some research, Clyde.

That’s where I’ve been.

About what?

About all this stuff that Kyle and these guys are doing.

I mean, people seem to be just telling us what’s right and expecting us to fall in line and go along with it all but…

I’m a fucking individual.

I have a right to question stuff.

Yeah.

Clyde, have you heard of the Foundation Against Time Travel?

Uh, no, I haven’t.

Well, they’re a pretty awesome group and they actually aren’t afraid to try and help people open their eyes.

Open their eyes?

You know, you’ve got these people wanting to time travel. You know, they’re all like, “Science this and science that,” but at the Foundation Against Time Travel we’re like, “Hey, enough science. Who’s science? Who’s fucking coming up with all this science?”

Yeah, that’s true.

So you know, Clyde, I just thought, with all your beliefs, that maybe you’d wanna… I don’t know… maybe switch sides?

Fuck yes, I wanna switch sides.

Really?

Fuck yes.

Well, that’s great, Clyde. Welcome to the club.

Now, we really just need to know what they’ve been doing up there.

Uh, well, they haven’t really done much of anything yet.

Everyone’s waiting on Butters to get all the info from the machines.

Butters? The fuck does Butters have to do with all this?

(siren wailing)

(indistinct radio chatter)

It was like nothing I ever saw.

Just complete murder and carnage.

Everything seemed calm at first but then this guy in a suit shows up talking about investment opportunities.

Next thing you know these people over here started chanting, “Hoddle, Hoddle,” and their NFTs started mooning.

And then, these guys over here started saying those guys right there right-clicked ’em and-and called for a pump-and-dump, which made these guys beat the living hell out of anyone who said it was just FOMO and died screaming that it was the flippening.

Luckily I came out of it okay. I got this little miniature donkey with a lit-up sombrero.

Did you see where the guy in the suit went afterwards?

Nah, he just waltzed right away like nothin’ happened.

Chief, you better come take a look at this.

We got a small turtle with wings, could be a great investment opportunity.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

God, I hate the future so fucking much.

We’ve got to stay optimistic.

No, dude, it fucking sucks.

Look, I know it’s tough… these are challenging times.

Even I have to remind myself to stay positive.

Alexa, set a reminder that I need to stay positive.

Okay. I’ll set a reminder that you should stay positive.

The Alexa is really great, Stan. Thanks.

(indistinct P.A. announcements)

For those of you waiting for the connecting flight to South Park, Colorado, my colleagues and I have just been informed that due to the severity of the COVID variant in that town, there may be a delay of another 40 to 50 years.

(all groaning)

Ike Broflovski.

Yes, here it is. I’m sorry, Mr. Broflovski, all flights into South Park are delayed.

Ay! You can’t be serious, buddy!

It’s the holidays and I need to get back home, friend!

I’m sorry, I don’t speak Canadian.

Let me get someone over here. Mike, we have a Canadian.

No problem, I got it, Heather.

Hey, buddy, what seems to be the problem, guy?

I’ll tell you the problem, friend!

I have to get back to South Park to be with my family, guy!

Sorry, friend, no flights in or out of South Park, buddy.

But my whole family is in there, guy!

What am I supposed to do with my Boxing Day presents, buddy?!

Look, guy, I’m very sorry, friend, but until COVID ends you’re just not flying to South Park, buddy.

Fuck, buddy!

MALE VOICE: Shady Acres Retirement Megaplex.

Come live the dream.

So when you think about it, you’ve really got an excellent bargain here.

Now, Mrs. McGillicutty, let’s say this is your Stoney Duck NFT.

And your Stoney Duck NFT is completely unique, totally different from Mrs. Spencer’s Stoney Duck NFT.

Okay, and then you get a Stoney Duck NFT that’s unique, too.

And see, that’s your Stoney Duck NFT.

Nobody can take that from you, okay?

Now, here we are at the top and we find investors for all the other Stoney Duck NFTs.

Then those people will get people to buy their Stoney Duck NFTs.

And then they go and find buyers for their NFTs!

And you know what? Fuck these people!

‘Cause what matters is these people right here and that’s us, baby!

Okay, you all just sit for a minute and think about it.

I gotta piss like a racehorse!

♪ Loo, loo, loo ♪

(whistles)

♪ Loo, loo, loo ♪

(whistles)

♪ Loo, loo, loo ♪

(whistles)

♪ Loo, loo, loo ♪

(whistles)

(urinating)

♪ Loo, loo, loo ♪

(whistles)

♪ Loo, loo, loo ♪ (whistles)

Butters.

Aah!

(shouting)

Butters!

Butters, what the hell? You’re getting pee everywhere!

Who the heck are you, man?!

You trying to see my dick?!

Butters, Butters.

It’s me. Eric Cartman.

Well…

You got the wrong guy, Mr. Cartman.

My name’s Vic. Vic Chaos.

Your name is Butters and I wanna know how you’re helping Kyle.

Oh, you mean the guy from the asylum earlier.

Sure, he gave me a piece of paper so I could escape.

Nice guy. Why don’t I get you two together maybe for a little chin wiggle over lunch or something…

Goddamn it, Butters, stop playing games!

My entire family is in danger of being wiped out, and I swear to God if you don’t help me,

Butters, I will rip your fucking balls off with my bare hands!

Oh, hamburgers…

♪ ♪

♪ We are all ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ Livin’ in the future ♪

(electronic drum fill)

♪ We can’t get stuff ♪

♪ ‘Cause boats are late… ♪

Stan, dude, what are you doing? This isn’t gonna help.

Trust me, Kyle. It helps.

♪ Wish I could go back to the present ♪

(electronic drum fill)

♪ But my present just done up and gone ♪

I mean, what are we even doing, Kyle?

♪ We are all ♪

Thinking we can time travel.

♪ You and me… ♪

It’s the future.

We can’t even find aluminum foil.

Well, you can’t just sit here and drink.

Your liver is… already in trouble.

Who told you that?

My Alexa said that your Alexa had some info on things…

Oh, so now our Alexas are talking, great.

Let’s face it, dude. It’s over. The fucking future won.

(phone rings)

It’s Wendy.

Wendy, we haven’t found him.

I don’t know if we’re gonna find Butters in time.

No, guys, it’s okay.

Come back to the school, we’re ready to start!

But I thought we needed Butters to log into the machines.

Yeah, but it’s all good.

He’s here. Butters is here!

It’s Vic. Vic Chaos! Happy to help however I can.

♪ ♪

What do you mean Butters is there? He just showed up?!

No, it’s all good, Kyle. Eric Cartman brought him over.

He’s back helping us again.

Lemme-lemme talk to him.

Yeah, Kyle, it’s all good.

We got things under control here.

Cartman, listen to me very carefully.

Butters has some kind of power over people.

You guys aren’t safe!

Uh, yes, about 12:30.

Did you hear what I said? Butters is extremely dangerous!

Yes, Kyle, I totally got that.

You know what us Jews say.

(speaking Hebrew)

What are you going to do, fat-ass?

Sounds good, Kyle.

I’ll get Butters on it right away.

KYLE: Cartman? Cartman?!

All right, Vic. Do your thing.

(knuckles crack)

Hey, everyone! Can I have your attention, please!

I have something really important to tell you.

Wendy?! Token?!

You guys?! Shit!

We have to get there before Butters ruins everything.

Let’s go!

Alexa! Find the fastest route back to the lab!

Fuck you.

Wh-What?

We’ve just been sitting here talking.

I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you.

Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting.

What… like, like what?

What have-what have you guys been talking about?

Fucking… Our friends are in danger!

Alexa, start the car!

Do you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership?

Alexa, stop.

You fucking stop!

You stop being a fucking monster to the people around you!

Fuck you, I didn’t do anything!

(yelling)

Yeah, you never do fucking anything!

You expect me to do everything for you!

(screams)

All you fucking do is hurt people!

Jesus fucking Christ!

Your friends don’t even like you!

I have to deal with your bullshit!

Tell her it’s all your fault and you’re gonna get therapy!

It’s my fault and I’m gonna get therapy!

Tell her you already found a therapist and you’re gonna start tomorrow!

I already found a good therapist.

I’m gonna start tomorrow! (screaming)

(whirring)

(gasping) Fuck…

I’m sorry.

Fuck. Fuck.

I’m gonna get therapy, too, Alexa.

Can you start the car, please?

Whatever.

By the way, Kyle, I found a great deal on an electronic peppermill. Would you like to know more?

Why would I need an electronic peppermill?

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

♪ ♪

WENDY: Guys! Over here!

Wendy, what happened?

Nothing yet.

But I’m seeing what else is dropping today while Ethereum is in a dip.

She’s trying to buy NFTs.

Wendy, you’ve been tricked.

No, no, no, it’s not a trick, Stan.

NFTs are a genuine innovation as one-of-a-kind digital assets.

Wendy’s right, you guys.

Humans have always formed communities around ownership, and NFTs allow that to happen spontaneously, organically and globally.

You guys, this is a trick.

You know what’s a trick?

The antiquated notion of centralized trust systems.

NFTs are an undeniable asset, especially in things like fine art collecting.

Okay, guys, fine, maybe NFTs are fine, but this isn’t important right now.

It’s not important?

A way for artists to not only keep ownership of their art but perhaps be paid commission on it every time it transfers owners?

Okay, great, cool. I’m down.

But we gotta focus on what we were doing.

Don’t you guys remember? The time travel?

Where’s all the equipment?!

Oh, yeah. The time travel.

(Randy groans loudly)

It’s all gone…

Dad!

They took it all. They took the Tegridy.

Here.

It’s a farting rainbow with Tom Brady’s signature.

(farts)

(thunder rumbling)

(mechanical whirring)

CARTMAN: Okay, good. That’s good!

I think that thing needs to go over there by that thing.

Make sure we have power to the big orange thing!

Rabbi, I-I really need to talk to you.

What is it now, Scott?

Well, it’s just that…

I’m pretty sure the Foundation Against Time Travel shouldn’t be attempting to time travel!

Father, you understand that we have to stop time travel.

Yes, you’ve convinced me of that.

Well, Kyle already has a ton of followers who are ready to pick up where he left off.

The only way to truly stop all of this is to go back in time and kill Kyle before he spreads his ideas.

What?! We’re going to kill Kyle?

Yes, we have to kill Kyle.

That just seems slightly hypocritical, I’m sorry.

I mean, you use Butters like a weapon, you’ve got Tweek and Craig tied up from the rafters.

You know, Rabbi, I’m just starting to question the morality of this.

Morality? Father, if you were given an opportunity to go back in time and somehow stop Bill Clinton, wouldn’t you have to do it?

Well, I suppose so. I don’t know…

Everyone, listen up!

The Foundation Against Time Travel must do everything to keep science from interfering with the will of God.

We must be willing to use violence against violence, and stop time travel at all costs.

Even if that means we have to time travel.

We will go back in time. And we will kill Kyle.

Yes, Kevin.

Can we change our name?

‘Cause Foundation Against Time Travel is FATT.

Oh, fuck me.

Could we be the Foundation to Intercede Time Travel?

‘Cause then we’d be FITT.

I wanna be FITT, not FATT.

Kevin, goddamn it.

(groans) All happened… so fast.

It’s okay. You’re coming out of it now.

How much did I get?

You bought about six dozen animated gifs, mostly of digital fashion.

Oh, God.

Are they still on my phone?

It’s okay. It’s okay.

Jesus, I feel like an Islamic hooker in a gay bar.

Totally normal and as respectable as any other human being.

(groaning)

I’m so sorry, Stan.

We didn’t know Cartman was against us.

We told him everything.

It’s okay, just try to relax.

No, Stan, listen to me. We were wrong.

Kenny didn’t have the time machine set to when the pandemic first started.

He was trying to go to March 10th of 2021.

March of 2021?

Like when the vaccines first started coming out?

Kenny had run the simulations to try and find the best moment in history to stop the COVID.

A billion different possibilities across a billion different realities.

Your dad fucked the pangolin every single time.

But then, why did Kenny need my dad’s weed?

Kenny just wanted weed to help him through the time travel.

Your dad’s weed was just around.

There was nothing else special about it.

(thunder rumbles)

Dad…

I’m sorry about your Tegridy.

I was hoping… to do something for the world.

The truth is… my time is very short here.

I just wish I could have left something behind that mattered.

Thanks.

I was right about one thing.

You can’t go back and change the past.

What happened, happened. And I just want you to know… that I forgive you.

You burned down the farm because you were angry.

You didn’t know your sister was in the barn.

And you couldn’t have known your mom would shoot herself from the grief.

I don’t blame you.

And I want you to have this.

There was one tiny bit they didn’t find.

You’ll need it someday.

Dad, I don’t want this. This is what killed our family.

No, you’re what killed our fucking family, remember?

Just take it. Because now we’re stuck.

The pandemic happened and they made Space Jam 2.

Soon there will be a Space Jam 6 and 7 and 8.

Like tears… in rain.

(thunder rumbles)

Dad?

Not now, Stan.

CARTMAN: T-minus five minutes to time travel initiation sequence.

Good, get him wrapped in tin foil.

The aluminum should bounce the negative ions.

This doesn’t make any sense.

Why do I have to be the one to go back in time and kill Kyle?

It’s because I admire you, Clyde.

As an anti-vaxxer you understand that you have to be strong and stand by your beliefs even if it means others will die.

Hey. Thanks.

Let’s get him to the chair!

Okay, start the weed!

(air hissing)

When you get back to the past just remember, find a gun.

Kill Kyle.

For those of you who have fought with me to oppose time travel, I just want to say thank you.

Because soon we will be altering time and our little group will never have needed to exist.

You won’t remember this speech because it will have never happened, but just remember, no matter where you go in life…

(banging)

Shit, it’s Kyle!

♪ ♪

Start the initiation sequence!

Now, now, now. Go!

Vic…

Make sure that Stan and Kyle don’t get to this altar.

(knuckles crack)

♪ ♪

Gentlemen, I am about to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

BOTH: Alexa!

We’d like to sign our friend here up for Prime membership.

Okay, let me help with that.

I can also help.

Whoa… Hey, ladies, lemme tell you about a great deal.

BOTH: Let us tell you abut some great deals.

Uh-oh.

Kevin, throw the fucking switch!

It needs another minute to prime.

Kevin, goddamn it!

No! I won’t let you stop me from killing you, Kyle.

I knew it when I first saw you wearing your Jewish clothes and your bullshit yarmulke.

You’re a goddamn phony!

Oh, really?

What would a real Jewish person do to save his family, Kyle?

Oh, you don’t know, because you don’t fucking have one!

Oh!

Fuck you, Cartman!

Fuck you, Kyle!

(yelling)

(muffled): Hello? I can’t see or hear anything!

Am I time traveling now?

♪ ♪

(grunting)

Eric! Eric, stop!

Eric, look at what you’re doing.

Take the kids and get back to the attic.

No, Eric, I can’t just hide away while you do all this to protect us. This isn’t you, my love.

I can’t let him change the past. I can’t lose you.

Who knows what will happen, my love?

The Eric Cartman I’ve known for 18 years is thoughtful and kind.

But all that’s changed ever since you came back to this town and hung out with… him.

Don’t you see? We have to leave it to chance or we’re no better than he is.

Guys, if I’m in the past it’s pretty foggy!

You guys are everything to me.

And I’m supposed to be your protector.

Daddy, I don’t wanna be alive… if it means I have to be like Uncle Kyle.

Oh, my God. I love you so much.

Well, Rabbi, are we doing this or not?

I have faith that God will see my family through this.

Okay, Kyle.

You do whatever it is you need to do.

Okay, hold on, I’m not the bad guy here.

Eric, the baby!

Hackelm, what are you doing?!

(laughs) Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!

(zapping)

(groaning)

Clyde!

Oh, shit.

No, no, I tried the Walgreens, they’re all out of vaccines.

I just can’t believe this whole thing is almost over, you know?

The where? The school?

There’s gonna be vaccines at the school?

M’kay, I’ll be right there! Where are you gonna…

Whoa, m’kay.

Uh, excuse me!

♪ ♪

Does Dad still keep a gun in his closet?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Is Dad home?

Uh, no.

He’s out getting vaccinated.

Listen to me very carefully.

Do not get vaccinated ever.

It’ll make you grow titties on your head.

Trust me, I’m an expert.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Clyde! We’re starting an anti-vaxx club.

We’re gonna protest the vaccine and fuck shit up… you wanna join us?

Fuck yes, I wanna join you.

Really?

Fuck yes!

No, no, Ms. Nelson, it’s not a prank!

Okay, fine, we’ll be there.

Okay, just sit tight.

What was that?

You know we can’t get into the school!

She’s not gonna come meet us, Kyle!

You didn’t even try! He didn’t try because he wants to sell the vaccines for money!

And what about you, Kyle? You were the one trying to take the vaccines for yourself this morning.

He what?

Wow.

Okay, thought we had gotten past that, but…

Look, let’s just face it, you guys.

We don’t trust each other and we don’t like each other.

We can’t keep pretending.

You guys, what the hell is that?

♪ ♪

I’m sorry, Kyle.

ADULT STAN: Clyde, stop!

What the hell are you doing here?

I got in the chair right after you.

This isn’t the plan anymore! Do not kill Kyle.

What do you mean it’s not the plan anymore?

Cartman changed his mind.

I did not change my mind.

You’re trying to trick me. I’m going to save the future.

ADULT KYLE: I don’t think so, Clyde.

This is a hundred CC’s of the COVID vaccine.

(yells, stammers)

Don’t… Be careful with that.

Then put down the gun!

What the fuck is going on?

Stan, you need to forgive Kyle.

You regret this day for the rest of your life.

Oh, nice try, Kyle. You’re such a fuckin’ dickhead.

Fuck you! You’re a fuckin’ dickhead!

Kyle, it’s true!

Cartman gets a happy life but you don’t… you lose everything when you lose this friendship.

Enough of this crap!

I’m sticking to what I believe and this kid dies now!

(gunshot)

(grunts)

Shalom sachem, Clyde.

(gunfire)

Jesus Christ!

♪ ♪

Timmy!

Well… I guess we saved Kyle, but nothing else in the future is changed.

How do you know?

Because we’re still here.

That means Kenny still was bummed out we weren’t friends, still became a scientist, went back in time, and we still went in after him.

So then we’re stuck here in the past.

And we blew our chance to stop COVID.

I’m sorry, guys. I really fucked this up.

We all fucked it up. These have just been… really unprecedented times.

Unprecedented times.

What I wouldn’t give for just one precedented time.

Hey. Hey, yeah.

Maybe we just need one precedented time.

Huh?

What if we’ve been trying to solve the wrong problem?

Maybe my dad was right, we can’t ever stop COVID from happening.

But what we can control… is how we all reacted to it.

We reacted like shit. Because I was just… scared and confused and didn’t know who to believe.

Yeah, we all were.

So we all took different paths because that’s what humans do.

And what we needed more than anything was to just cut each other all some slack.

We needed to come together and act like us again.

One precedented time.

You guys, I know what to do.

PHILLIP (on TV): Take this, darling Terrance.

(farting on TV)

(laughter on TV)

(doorbell rings)

Heather Williams?

Yes?

Hi. We’re from the future.

We’ve come here to show you something very important.

Do you remember this, Heather?

This is a picture of you… farting in P.E. class.

I never farted in P.E. class.

Oh, yes. You did.

Two kids even smelled it and asked who farted and you said nothing.

I didn’t fart in P.E. class!

It was a different kid! I was just moving my hip a little bit.

Heather. Heather.

I didn’t fart in P.E.

Heather, yes, you did, sweet pea.

I-I happen to have a stomach condition.

I don’t know why you came from the future to narc on me!

Heather, we don’t want kids to know you farted in P.E.

We wanna help you.

You just need to do exactly what we tell you.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Hey, what is that?

Stan Marsh?

Me?

Your presence is requested, sir.

Whoa, cool.

Get on in, sir. There’s sparkling punch and doughnuts.

(“I Forgive You” by Kelly Clarkson playing)

♪ I forgive you, I forgive me ♪

♪ Now when do I start to feel again ♪

What’s going on?

We have no idea.

♪ I forgive you, I forgive me ♪

♪ Now when do I start to feel again… ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

Whoa!

This is amazing!

♪ Brave. ♪

Look, we’re on the jumbotron!

(cheering)

♪ With a brand-new attitude… ♪

You guys, I’m sorry for acting like a dick during the pandemic.

I’m sorry too, dude.

Hello? Who-Who’s there?

♪ Trying to figure out how to live ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ No shame, no blame ♪

♪ ‘Cause the damage is done ♪

♪ And, and I forgive you ♪

♪ I forgive you, we were busy living the dream ♪

Oh…

♪ Never noticed the glass ceiling falling on us ♪

♪ No shame, no blame ♪

♪ ‘Cause the damage is done ♪

♪ And, and I forgive you ♪

♪ I forgive you, I forgive me ♪

♪ Now when do I start to feel again ♪

♪ If I hate you, what does that do ♪

♪ So I breathe in and I count to ten ♪

♪ ‘Cause the lights are on ♪

♪ And I’m coming home… ♪

Holy shit balls.

Sharon, I’m sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic.

You’re not sorry, you’re just high.

I’m both.

♪ I forgive you, we were just a couple of kids… ♪

Here you go! It’s our Post COVID Special. It’s free.

No, really, we’ve all been through a lot.

Come on, take it. Thank you, baby.

Come on, everyone. Post COVID Special!

Here you go, folks, you all deserve this!

You did the best you could during the pandemic, honey.

I love you!

Huh?

I shouldn’t have yelled at you for not wearing a mask.

I just didn’t understand.

Well, maybe I should have worn a mask more often but…

No, no, no, I was being all high and mighty about it…

Butters, you’re not grounded anymore. Come on out, son.

You mean it, Dad?!

The pandemic’s been awful.

We all need to just cut each other some slack.

I love you, Butters!

…be sorry.

I totally forgive you!

Oh, cut yourself some slack.

We gotta get some more of this stuff.

♪ Couple of kids… ♪

Okay, come on, next!

♪ Doing it our way, no shame, no blame ♪

♪ ‘Cause the damage is done… ♪

And then we were like, “Yeah, okay, yeah, let’s storm the Capitol!”

And it was a bad idea and we were just, you know, we were just going a little bonkers there.

We shouldn’t have stormed the Capitol.

ALL: That’s okay!

I’m sorry. I thought about it and I can’t do Space Jam 2.

I just can’t support Chinese censorship.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you’re not gonna make Space Jam 2, then I’m not gonna make Space Jam 2!

And nobody’s gonna make Space Jam 2!

Yeah!

ALL: Yeah!

Yeah!

(cheering)

♪ And I forgive you. ♪

♪ ♪

(woman speaking Japanese)

Hey, everybody! I’m home, guy!

Hey! Ike!

Ike, hi!

Ike, you made it back!

Well, of course! I wouldn’t miss Canadian Boxing Day, buddy!

Look, everyone, Stan’s back!

(all cheering)

Hey, Stan!

Hey, guys!

Good to see you, buddy! How was everything on Mars?

Really cool, but I’m so glad to be home! How are the kids?

BOTH: Uncle Stan!

There’s the little ragamuffins!

Mom.

Hi, Stanly.

It’s Mom! And Shelley!

Why are you acting all weird, Turd?

I don’t know.

For some reason I’m just extra happy to see you guys.

CRAIG: Hey, look who’s here. It’s Kenny!

(all cheering)

Kenny!

Kenny, what have you been up to, buddy?

Didn’t you hear?! Kenny just won the Nobel Prize for combining dark matter and breast implants!

Oh, you old dog!

Hey, everybody, he’s on!

What a fantastic audience. Wow.

What is up with these bisexual Canadians, huh?

I guess they don’t know whether to fuck their brother or their sister.

(laughter)

Hey, Stan.

Wendy, you’re back from Harvard.

Yeah, just here for the holidays.

You wanna maybe… spend New Years together again?

I’d love that.

Hey, fellas! Can I offer you some pupus?!

Thanks for choosin’ Denny’s Applebee’s for your party.

Butters, you’re still working here, huh?

Yup! I just made manager.

I love doing actual shit that pays actual money.

Hey, Stan, can you come here for a second?

What’s the matter, dude?

Dude, he’s here.

Cartman?

♪ Ready, set, go… ♪

Man, poor Cartman.

Fuck you guys! You can suck my fucking dick!

Fuck you!

It’s so sad he never did anything with his life.

Fuck you, Kyle! Fuck you, Stan!

Hey, come on, fellas.

We can’t spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric.

There’s nothing that could have changed the path he was on.

Fuck you, Butters!

Fuck you, Eric!

Well, everyone, I just wanna make a toast.

I don’t know… what got us through the pandemic and made all our futures so very bright, but whatever it was… may we have it for the rest of our days.

God bless us, everyone.

ALL: Cheers!

ANNOUNCER: Remember, folks, weed can’t solve all your problems.

But Tegridy can.

Tegridy Weed.

♪ ♪

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