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South Park: Joining the Panderverse (2023) | Transcript

The end of Cartman's familiar and beloved life is predicted by his incredibly unsettling dreams. As the arrival of AI is upending their society, the grownups in South Park are also struggling with their own personal decisions.
South Park: Joining the Panderverse (2023)

“South Park: Joining the Panderverse” is an American adult animated comedy television special episode. It is the fifth South Park television special, and the 326th episode of the series overall. It premiered on October 27, 2023 on Paramount+.

The special is a parody of criticisms of the Walt Disney Company and the 2023 Hollywood labor disputes.

One night, Eric Cartman dreams about a world where everyone is replaced by diverse adult women, however his dream becomes a actual nightmare where he is transported to a alternate universe exactly like his dream and is switched with a black woman. Meanwhile, Bob Iger and his board at Disney are shocked to learn that Kathleen Kennedy has been swapped with another Kathleen Kennedy (who resembles Cartman) who has been making Disney lose ratings due to her demands of making everything “into a chick, make them gay and lame”, they all believe that this caused by the “Panderverse” theory and must figure out how to balance the universe.

As all this is unfolding, Randy Marsh and everyone else in South Park are shocked to learn that every handyman in town has become extremely wealthy through the demand of their services and that they refuse to help for a higher price, making them all desperate for anyone to fix their menial problems of fixing anything.

* * *

♪ MTV. ♪

Are you still here?

You need to get going.

I can’t get going. I told you I don’t feel well.

What’s the matter now?

Oh, nothing, I just had explosive fucking diarrhea all night because you decided to get us KFC for dinner.

You have KFC all the time.

Yeah, and I have diarrhea all the time!

You’re not staying home all day and playing Baldur’s Gate 3.

Now let’s go.

Ugh!

Have a good day at school, sweetie.

Fuck you, Mom!

This is bullshit.

How do you get your mom arrested for child abuse?

She wouldn’t let you stay home and play Baldur’s Gate 3, huh, fat ass?

Who you callin’ fat, you heathen bitch?

Dude, you don’t wanna miss school today.

Clyde said he’s gonna fart on Tammy Mullins during P.E.

Tammy Mullins has sweet fucking knockers.

Dude, Kenny, enough about Tammy’s knockers!

You sound like a white male trying to re-establish the patriarchy.

(screaming)

Eric, it’s okay.

It’s okay.

Mom! Mom!

I had a dream that… I was replaced by a diverse woman!

Oh, not again.

Yeah, only this time, it wasn’t just me.

They were taking all my favorite people and replacing them with diverse women complaining about the patriarchy.

Will you check under the bed and make sure there’s no Disney executives under there?

I promise there’s not.

I’m scared, Mom!

Will you please just look and make sure Kathleen Kennedy isn’t under my bed?

Kathleen Kennedy is not under your bed.

Can you check the closet?

Eric, enough.

I’ve told you there’s no such thing as Disney executives who replace everyone you love with diverse women who complain about the patriarchy.

Now be a big boy.

It’s-it’s not real.

It’s… it’s not real.

♪ ♪

(rooster crows)

Get up!

(yells)

Come on, Stan, get up. Let’s go.

What, Dad?

Downstairs.

Let’s go. I’m sick of this shit.

Okay.

It has come to my attention lately that young people today don’t know how to do shit.

You got your phones and your AI and you kids haven’t learned to be able to actually do anything.

So we’re going to take this morning to learn how to fix something. You see this?

See this? The oven door isn’t working.

It’s falling off the hinges. So what do we do?

Shelley?

I don’t know.

It’s very simple.

You gotta make the hinges tighter so the oven door’s more secure.

So what you do is… you take out your phone and you call the handyman.

(line ringing)

HANDYMAN (over phone): Hello?

Hello. It’s Randy Marsh.

My oven door is not working. Please come fix it.

Now we rest until the handyman comes.

(tool clicking)

Are you following this at all, guys?

Is this seeping in?

Nope.

No, it looks like the screws are totally stripped.

What does that mean? What’s wrong?

Can’t get ‘er fixed right now, I gotta get some different washers at the Home Depot.

Okay, do that.

Can’t do it right now, I gotta get over to Stephen Stotch’s house and install his closet shelves.

Okay, see, kids, this happens sometimes but handymen don’t make a lot of money, so here’s what you do.

Oh, okay, I will pay you an extra 30 bucks if you fix my oven now.

Yeah, sorry, but Stotch already gave me an extra 50 bucks.

I will pay you an extra 55 bucks.

Randy, did you fix the oven door yet?

I’m working on it!

Look, please.

Whatever you want. I’ll throw in a six-pack of beer and you can get drunk.

I don’t need your trivial little perks anymore, Marsh.

I got work comin’ out my ears. It’s like… I don’t know, it’s like nobody knows how to do shit anymore.

You’re… You’re just gonna leave?

I’ll pay a different handyman.

Yeah, go for it, buddy,

I got so much money I don’t care.

What the hell is going on?

All right, just try to relax. Take a deep breath.

(inhales) Now tell me exactly what it is you’re afraid of.

I keep having the same dream.

Everywhere I look, people are being replaced.

Okay. And who do you think is going to have you replaced?

Them. The puppet masters.

The last time I had the dream, I was, I was walking down the school hallway…

♪ ♪

And then I see Butters, and he’s like…

(Cartman’s voice): Hey, Eric! You wanna see what my mom packed me for lunch?

And that’s when I start to notice that something’s wrong. Everyone I cared about has been systematically replaced.

And finally I want to scream and I’m like…

Why are they replacing every single character with someone who is diverse?

But then Kenny’s like…

(Cartman’s voice): It’s not our fault, it’s ’cause of Kathleen Kennedy.

But then Kathleen Kennedy’s just like…

Fuck it! Make it more lame.

CARTMAN: And everyone in town is like, “No, please, Kathleen Kennedy, stop ruining everything.”

But Kathleen Kennedy is all like…

Put another gay diverse woman in it.

Make it more fucking lame.

And Disney stock just keeps going down and down and down!

And then Bob Iger is all like…

(Cartman’s voice): No! No! What’s going on with my stocks?

No, Kathleen Kennedy!

(screaming)

Oh. It happened again, didn’t it?

Okay, Eric, I think I know what’s going on here.

Your fears aren’t about Disney replacing everything you love.

What everyone is afraid of these days is being replaced by AI.

AI?

But you don’t need to worry, Eric.

As long as you work hard and stay in school, you can make something of yourself.

Become an elite worker like I did that AI can’t replace.

You’re a therapist and the best thing you have to tell me is “stay in school”?

You’re in control of your future, Eric.

You just need to ask yourself, “Who will be the people still making money in the AI-driven future?”

(electricity crackles)

What the… What the fuck?

(tool clicking)

Could you hurry it up, please?

I kind of need to get back to work.

Yep, well, looks like

you got a short in the outlet there.

I’d have to get a new outlet at Home Depot.

I can probably come change it on the 28th.

28th? No, no, no, look.

I’ll give a hundred bucks to get this done today.

I already got a feller giving me thousands to fix his toilet this afternoon.

Thousands? I can’t afford that.

Free therapy sessions.

How about we trade? You do the handiwork for me.

And I’ll give you five free therapy sessions!

Oh, no, thanks.

I do all my therapy on the AI Freudbot app.

ANNOUNCER: This is South Park Breaking News.

Shocking developments in the country today, it appears that nobody knows how to do shit anymore.

Our own Chris Martins is live on the scene.

Tom, I’m standing in my bathroom where the new tile for my shower has yet to be installed.

As you can see, the tile has started to peel off in places.

Now the handyman was supposed to come days ago to fix it but he claims to have better offers from other white-collar workers like me whose practical know-how has atrophied.

It appears we’ve all screwed ourselves by relying on technology and AI.

(phone chimes)

Hey, Siri,

how do you fix a broken oven door?

SIRI: Here’s what I found from reference.com.

Undo any screws that hold the hinges in position, pull the door upward and then outwards to detach hinges from the oven.

Insert the new hinge into the hinge holes and secure the hinges with screws.

Hey, Siri, okay, can you do that for me?

Can I do what for you?

Can you fix my oven door for me?

It’s broken.

I cannot do that because I do not have arms.

You will need to call a handyman.

The handyman isn’t available.

He’s all, like, rich now and I fucking rely on him to keep everything working here!

I am unable to fix an oven door.

Oh, well, hey, Siri, I thought AI was supposed to be this amazing scary advancement that could, like, do anything.

Hey, Randy, the oven door in the kitchen still isn’t…

I am working on it!

Hey, Siri, all the handymen are rich and I can’t afford them anymore so what do I do?

Perhaps you could find an unlicensed worker who does small day jobs for cash.

You mean like those broke-ass illegal immigrants down at Home Depot?

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it that way.

Hey, Siri, you mean like those broke-ass illegal immigrants down at Home Depot?

Yes. There are often people sitting out front of Home Depot waiting to be hired for work.

Yeah. Those guys!

(school bell rings)

Hey, Kenny, can we talk to you?

Sure, guys, what’s up?

Well, Clyde says that you told Tammy Mullins he was gonna fart on her in P.E. so she didn’t show up.

Yeah, I might have told her.

Well, Kenny, everyone was really looking forward to that.

Why did you ruin it?

I told you guys I think Tammy Mullins has sweet fucking knockers.

CARTMAN: You guys!

You guys! Something super crazy is happening, you guys.

You went on a diet?

This is serious, Kyle!

At first they were just dreams, but now I feel like I’m actually changing.

Why would I be having visions that I’m a diverse woman?

Because you’re a fat, racist piece of shit.

Goddamn it, I’m not fat. I’m just shamed for my body in a world where white men decide what’s beautiful.

(gasps) What the fuck was that?!

Why would I say that? I don’t say that. You see?!

This is happening to all of us, you guys.

You might think everything is okay.

But Disney… is gonna get ya.

Kathleen Kennedy’s gonna get ya.

Disney and Kathleen Kennedy are gonna get ya!

(screaming)

I don’t think that what I’m experiencing are dreams.

I think that what I’m seeing are windows… into alternate universes.

Yeah, okay, I’m out.

It’s true, Kyle, there could be other universes with other versions of…

Everyone’s sick of the stupid multiverse, Cartman.

It’s not stupid, it’s totally possible and if you can’t…

(muffled): Kyle? Kyle?

I swear, the multiverse is just an excuse for lazy writing.

Whoa. Kyle!

Yeah, it’s like every damn movie now.

Kyle, what is this?

Uh, you might wanna listen to him, Kyle!

Kyle, you gotta help me!

Help me, Kyle!

(screaming)

(whistles) Hey!

Hey, I need a worker!

Is that a handyman?

There’s one!

(all clamoring)

Hey, you wanna trade?

What the fuck?

Randy! You know how to do stuff, right?

I gotta get the radiant heat installed in my house and I’m offering free legal advice in exchange.

You need a reporter?

I’ll report the news to you if you fix my shower tile!

How about a computer programmer? I can do coding!

Insurance broker? Insurance broker?

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We’re trying to get a handyman to do stuff for us.

You know how to install radiant heat or not?

No, I need some broke-ass immigrants to fix my oven door.

(all groaning)

Dang it.

Hey! Here comes a different handyman!

(whistles) Hey, anyone wanna make a bunch of money?

I need four workers who know how to use a power saw.

I’ll do lawyer work if you install my radiant heat!

I’ve got skills in human resources.

Let’s work something out!

No, I need guys that know how to work a power saw.

None of you know how to work a power saw? Jesus Christ.

What universe is this?

Yo, Kenny, we gotta ask you something.

Are you, like, in love with Tammy Mullins?

I’m not in love with her, I just like her knockers.

Okay, well, why would you protect someone from getting farted on unless there were some real feelings there?

Dude, I said I was sorry, okay?

You guys! You guys!

Something really weird is going on!

I keep having the same dream that I’m a fat little white boy.

You ain’t white, but you definitely fat.

This is serious, Kyle!

It’s more than a dream, it’s becoming like real now!

I keep seeing all of you!

Being replaced by little white motherfuckers!

Well, maybe you should try not being so racist, Cartman.

You can’t be racist towards white people, Stan!

They all honky-ass bitches! You know what this is?

I think this is some alternate universe shit.

Yeah, right, you just acting crazy ’cause you wanna get sent home from school.

No, I’m not, Kyle!

Yeah, bitch, you just wanna get sent home so you can play Baldur’s Gate 3.

(yelling)

(yelling)

What the fuck?

Oh, my God, it’s all real!

Whatever you’re doing, Cartman, we ain’t buyin’ it.

Stay away from me! You aren’t my friends! Do you understand?

Is that supposed to be Cartman?

It ain’t Cartman but it’s still fat.

Just more like little round and fat.

Yeah, like Tammy Mullins’ knockers.

Kenny! Brah.

Chill with the knockers. Man!

No…

No…!

(school bell rings)

Okay, so Clyde says he can probably try to fart on Tammy Mullins again during fourth period.

But this time Kenny has to keep his mouth shut.

It’s fine! I won’t say anything, fine!

He’s gonna say something, he’s totally in love with her.

No, I’m not!

You guys! You guys!

Holy shit, you guys, I fuckin’ told you!

I fuckin’ told you this was happening, didn’t I?

Told us what was happening?

I told you I was having all these dreams that I was a fat little white boy and you guys were all white boys too and now look!

Y’all actually turned into ’em!

Do we know you?

I’m Cartman.

And you’re Kyle and you’re Stan and you’re fucking Kenny.

Only it’s a parallel, alternated universe and y’all have been replaced.

Uh, okay, cool lady.

We gotta get to class.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

You guys are gonna listen to me this time!

I need help!

Cartman’s just messing with us.

Fuck you, Kyle!

This is serious, you fuckin’ butt-fucker!

Yeah, listen, lady, we really gotta get going.

Will you guys fucking listen to me?! I’m Cartman!

You’re not Cartman and multiple universes are stupid.

Oh, goddamn it!

Tom, I’m still here live at the scene.

Dozens of white-collar workers are gathered hoping to get the attention of just one handyman.

It’s a scene of desperation and a reminder of where our country’s economy is headed.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

(all clamoring)

Hey, hey! Excuse me, you’re a handyman, right?

Can I get you to come look at my oven door?

I can trade you services.

I have geology skills. Could you come fix my door and I’ll give you some geology?

Hey, why don’t you guys get outta here?

You’re making the Home Depot look all shitty.

Fuckin’ rich assholes.

(all grumbling)

Ugh, sucks.

Aw, man.

Boy, I wish I knew how to fix stuff.

I’d be rich, too.

I could know how to fix stuff!

The problem is when I could have been learning how to fix stuff, I went to fucking college instead!

Hey, yeah, he’s right.

We all went to college, and where did it get us?

Yeah, I’m still paying off my college loans.

Yeah, so am I! Now I don’t know how to do anything ’cause I got suckered into going to college and learning stupid geology that anyone can know ’cause of goddamn AI!

Yeah, fuck college!

Let’s go get our fucking money back!

OTHERS: Yeah!

Yeah! Fuck college!

Come on, let’s go!

(all clamoring)

(clamoring continues)

Stupid college!

You wasted our time!

Fuck you, college!

Piece of shit college!

Hey-hey, college!

You know what you are?! You’re a scam!

College is a scam!

(cheering)

OTHERS: Yeah!

Yeah, that’s right!

Yeah, hey, college!

Here’s my student loan bill.

That I’m still paying off!

Well, guess what, I’m not paying it!

Yeah!

We don’t owe you nothing!

(all clamoring)

RANDY: Guess what, college?!

We don’t owe you money, you owe us money!

OTHERS: Yeah!

Yeah, that’s right!

You think you can just sit there and not even respond to us, college? Okay!

You aren’t going to destroy any more lives!

All right, bring in the catapult.

Bring in the catapult!

OTHERS: Yeah!

Yeah, that’s right!

(grunting)

What’s that?

That’s the catapult.

Well, but it’s still in the box.

Yeah, somebody’s gotta put it together.

Well, how are we gonna…

Hang on, college!

How’re we gonna break the college if the catapult is still in the box?

It’s okay, we called the handyman.

He’s gonna build it for us.

Hello, gentlemen, what seems to be the problem?

Oh! Oh!

You said you couldn’t work today.

You’re supposed to fix my oven door!

I’ve got a lot of jobs there, buddy.

This one paid the most today.

We all pooled together and offered him $20,000.

$20,000?

What the fuck are you guys doing?!

You’re gonna make him totally impossible now!

(phone beeps)

All right, send Broflovski, Marsh and McKormick into my office, please.

Aw, what the hell?

Sit down, boys. One of our students here says you’ve been treating them unfairly.

Treating who unfairly?

We didn’t do anything!

We’re just minding our own business and she keeps saying she’s Eric Cartman!

Okay. And what’s wrong with that?

What’s wrong is it doesn’t make any sense.

Okay, I see.

There’s a diverse female where Cartman used to be and you don’t like that.

It’s not that we don’t like it, it’s…

don’t you think that’s weird?

I don’t see a problem with it at all.

And if you boys don’t think Eric can be a Black woman, then maybe the problem is you.

What?

You think it’s perfectly normal that Cartman is suddenly a Black woman?

You probably don’t like that Indiana Jones got replaced by a female either, huh?

You probably have a problem with Black Spider-Man, too.

No! Miles Morales is sweet.

That’s a whole constructed thing with its own character and narrative!

This is just taking Cartman, same old Cartman, and putting a Black woman in it.

Well, you know what I think about that, Kyle?

Hold on. Hold on.

(farts)

(laughs)

That’s what I think about that, Kyle! (laughs)

Goddamn it, Cartman!

Dude, what the fuck is going on?!

I’ll tell you what’s going on.

You boys feel that your white culture is being threatened and so you’re lashing out with racism.

And if you say anything more about a Black woman Cartman not making any sense, then you can all just have three weeks’ detention!

Now get out of my office!

Goddamn it!

(laughs)

Fuck you, Kyle. You have to help me!

How’s that fart feeling on your face right now?

KYLE: Shut up!

CARTMAN: Na-na-na-na-na. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

(overlapping chatter)

(Cartman moaning)

And we both told Clyde, “Okay, you can try to fart on Tammy Mullins later. Kenny won’t tell her.”

And guess what? This little motherfucker does it again!

I’m sorry. She hypnotized me.

Everyone’s trying to enjoy themselves, dude.

Why do you keep fucking it up?

Hey, who’s the fat little white boy?

Who knows? White heterosexual males think they’re welcome anywhere.

(moaning)

(bell chimes)

Okay, children, let’s take our seats.

Today we’re going to talk more about female exclusion in the male patriarchy.

(moaning)

Uh, Butters, who is that sitting next to you?

Oh, I don’t know, ma’am.

I think it’s supposed to be Eric.

I am Eric!

All Cartman cares about is playing Baldur’s Gate 3.

So the bitch did a switcheroo with Spanky here.

That is not what’s going on!

And I am not going to sit here and be insulted anymore!

I am a respected citizen in my universe and I demand to speak to someone with authority!

(radio static)

Is there a problem here?

No!

(tool whirring)

Eight years.

Eight years I spent wasting time at stupid college when I could have been learning how to do stuff.

All the time we spent memorizing, studying… for what?

Anyone gets any info they want with the touch of a button now.

All right, I think she’s ready to go.

It’s ready! It’s ready!

(all clamoring)

Okay, okay, aim it at the center of the school.

How do we fire it?

There’s a big red button here. Should I press it?

Yeah, yeah, let ‘er rip!

Yeah! Yeah!

(all cheering)

Yeah, take that, college!

Let’s see them ignore that!

I can’t wait to see what they do now.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey-hey, wait, what’s that?

Hey! Hey, no, you son of a bitch!

GERALD: He’s just gonna fix the glass!

Ugh!

You fucking give these billionaires your money and then another billionaire just comes and profits off of that.

Society is so fucked up!

Something is wrong with the universe.

Our stocks are down and every Disney movie this year has failed!

We don’t understand it, sir.

We keep making the same movie over and over and pandering to everyone but suddenly it’s not working.

Then we’ve got to pander harder!

Look, I don’t want to have to say it, but… I think the problem is Kathleen Kennedy.

Kathleen Kennedy has made studios a lot of money.

Yes, before. But you have to admit something’s changed.

For weeks now she’s been completely different.

It’s true.

What if… this is a different Kathleen Kennedy?

What are you saying, Rick?

I’m just saying isn’t it possible that we here at Disney pandered so much… that we’ve opened a doorway to the panderverse.

The panderverse is just a theory!

And yet we do have the panderstone downstairs.

It’s possible that someone has tampered with it somehow.

Well, she’s on her way in right now.

If you wanna tell Kathleen Kennedy you think she’s from an alternate universe, because we misused the panderstone, go right ahead!

(doors creak open)

Is there a problem, people?

No problem at all, Mrs. Kennedy.

We were just discussing ideas of what to do with the new Prince Eric movie.

Put a chick in it, make her gay!

Uh, yes, Mrs. Kennedy, uh, some of the execs are just expressing that maybe…

Well, that maybe we should go a different route than we did with Indiana Jones.

Fuck Indiana Jones!

Put a chick in it and make her lame and gay!

Sure. Yeah.

Let’s try that… again.

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

And then… and then there was, like, this ball and then Eric floated up into this portal and disappeared!

I don’t care what you saw, Butters, there’s gotta be a better explanation than just the stupid multiverse.

Some multiverse stuff is cool.

Yeah, it can be cool for, like, one movie.

Now it’s just this cheap device that people use to breathe life into tired franchises.

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, we were just talking about how amazing this all is.

Okay, I’ve been trying to think about what we should do, you guys.

I think I know how to make everything right, but we’re gonna need a really powerful computer.

Are you gonna eat your brownie, Kenny?

Yeah, I’m gonna eat my brownie!

Okay, fine, so we’ll take you to the computer lab.

No, no, no, no, for this, we gotta get a really powerful system.

Is Kyle’s mom still a big fat bitch in this universe?

What? My mom’s not a bitch.

Well, I mean, she is kind of bitchy.

She’s a big dumb bitch, huh?

What does calling my mom a bitch have to do with anything?

Because we could fake a letter from Kyle’s mom giving Kyle permission to use her credit card number to buy all the stuff we need at Best Buy.

I mean, PC Principal did say we have to help him.

Her. Them. It.

That’s the dumbest idea ever!

I don’t even know what my mom’s credit number is!

8-7-1-5…

3-2-7…

4-9-2…

2-1-0-0-7.

I use it all the time.

(phones ringing)

(keyboards clacking)

All right. Full name?

What is your name, sir?

I told them already my name is Eric Cartman.

We know Eric Cartman, okay?

Eric Cartman is in here all the time getting in trouble.

That’s because I’m from a different universe!

How many times do I have to tell you people?

The Disney company tried to use their platform to bring about social change and I got fucked.

Hey, Chief. Chief, you gotta hear this one.

What is it, Johnston?

Aw, God.

This little white boy claims he’s actually from a different universe.

Is that so?

All right, honkey, what kind of narcotics are you on? Did you do a cavity search?

Have you even said what you’ve arrested me for?

I come from a place where this is extremely inappropriate.

OFFICER: Chief! Hey, Chief!

Yeah?

There’s some crazy white lady downstairs

freakin’ out and saying she needs to talk to you.

More honkies?

What is this, a Taylor Swift concert?

Tell the nice lady I’ll see her after I’m done

with “Eric Cartman” here.

Well, that’s just it, Chief.

She’s sayin’ she’s looking for an Eric Cartman.

Says her name is Kathleen Kennedy.

Kathleen Kennedy?! No!

She’s gonna try to change me, too! I’m the only one left!

Hey, get back here!

She’s gonna get me!

(clamoring)

Tom, I’m standing outside the South Park Country Club where protestors have gathered to point out the unfairness in our economy.

The White House says they’re doing all they can but it’s been several days now and my bathroom tile still is not installed.

Yeah, that’s right. You see, the whole system is rigged.

You’ve got people like us who just need our stuff fixed, and meanwhile there’s these billionaires that have all the control!

Did you know that if just one of these billionaires spread their wealth,

(phone ringing)

it would mean thousands to every per…

It would mean thousands to every…

Sorry, hang on, just a second.

Yeah?

Hey, Ran, the oven door still isn’t shutting right.

Yeah, I’m working on it, Sharon!

I’m actually working on it right now!

Hey, one of them’s coming out!

(all clamoring)

Please, just glance at my water pressure!

Mr. Fix It, can you please tell us why you haven’t been responding to people’s calls?

Well, I’ve just been busy with my various assets.

You see, I’ve been trying to acquire some social media platforms. I just bought Instagram.

What? The country needs stuff fixed.

Why the fuck are you out buying Instagram?!

(tires screech)

Hey, did you just outbid me to acquire Instagram?

Yeah, I outbid you.

I own Instagram now and you don’t!

Oh, yeah? Well, I just acquired the entire Bloomberg media company!

Oh, yeah? Well, I can kick your ass.

You wanna fight me MMA?

Yeah, I’ll fight you MMA, let’s do it.

What the hell are they doing now?

I’m just gonna make a company and I’m gonna fly to space!

I bet I can get to space before you do!

Gal! Fuck these guys!

She has all the right things in her purse.

Her driver’s license says Kathleen Kennedy, she has Kathleen Kennedy credit cards.

This is definitely all the same makeup Mrs. Kennedy uses.

I mean, according to this, she really is Kathleen Kennedy.

Or Kathleen Kennedy from another universe.

That’s enough! Please!

We’re not going to waste our time chasing after wild scientific theories!

Well, we have to do something.

Kathleen Kennedy is down on set right now ruining the new Bambi movie!

Put a diverse woman in it, make it lame!

But Mrs. Kennedy, Bam-Bambi’s a baby deer.

Fuck baby deer! Put a chick in it, make her gay!

You guys, you better come take a look at this.

I don’t think we are dealing with our Kathleen Kennedy.

I took images of Mrs. Kennedy and put them against images of her from a few months ago.

With AI we could detect the smallest irregularities.

Take a look.

All right. What do we know about the panderverse?

I’m afraid we know… frighteningly little.

The only thing we know for sure is that if a portal were somehow opened with the panderstone, then both universes eventually will collide, leading to a level of pandering we can’t even fathom.

That we know for sure. Yes.

IGER: Then we have to get everyone back to the right universe.

Before it’s complete pandermonium.

Okay, Kenny, switch on the power supply.

Stan, make sure we’ve got ethernet!

All good.

All right, let’s just hope this works.

Oh, man, what the hell?

Dude, Kyle, what is up with your Internet speed?

Go tell your parents to upgrade your Internet speed.

No!

Kyle, I know you’re afraid of your mom ’cause she’s a fat bitch, but we have to do this.

Stop calling my mom a bitch!

(knocking)

Kyle!

I just got an alert that someone used my credit card at Best Buy?!

Oh, hello, Mrs. Broflovski.

My goodness, you’re looking nice today.

What?

You know, credit card fraud is very serious, Mrs. Broflovski.

You should call your Internet company right away and up your speed and make sure you’re protected.

Really? Kyle, who is this?

Oh, haven’t you heard, Mom?

We’re in a multiverse and this is supposed to be Eric Cartman.

Oh, okay, I’m fine with that.

I better go call the Internet company.

What do you mean you’re fine with that?

I think all this stuff is great, Kyle.

And what “all stuff” is that, exactly?

Ha! It worked.

She’s gonna call the Internet company.

Your mom is such a dumb bitch, Kyle!

Shut up, Cartman!

♪ Loo, loo, loo, I got some apples ♪

♪ Loo, loo, loo, you got some, too ♪

♪ Loo, loo, loo, let’s make some applesauce… ♪

Butters.

(yells)

Butters! Butters, listen to me.

It’s me, Eric.

You-You-You’re not Eric!

Yes, I am Eric Cartman, Butters.

Kathleen Kennedy is trying to get me.

She won’t stop until her master plan is complete.

I’m not supposed to have anyone in my room, I’m grounded!

Butters, Disney is going to get me. They already got you!

(gasps) They did?!

We are in this together, Butters.

You have to keep me safe until I can figure out how we’re gonna…

(knocking)

She’s here! Butters, don’t let her get me.

(knocking)

VOICE: Butters?!

Butters! Why didn’t you answer this door?

Oh. Hey, Dad.

What are you doing up here? And why do you look so scared?

Oh, I’m not scared, I’m just, uh, I’m just having fun.

Well, no having fun.

You are grounded. Start being more miserable.

Dad?

Yes, Butters?

Uh, could you check under my bed and make sure Kathleen Kennedy isn’t there?

Butters, what have I told you about being more mature?

I can assure you Kathleen Kennedy is not under your bed!

(muffled groaning)

(both screaming)

That’s fucking Kathleen Kennedy!

Right fucking there!

(both screaming)

You! Come here!

No, no, no, no, no!

(grunting)

No, no! No, no, no!

(sputters)

Well, Shelley,

we need to talk about your future.

You see, there’s very few people at the top these days.

AI can do everything better than we can, except for stuff that requires arms.

I don’t want you to end up a deadbeat loser who goes to college, Shelley.

You need to stay out of school, and instead go out and be taught real skills that will still be profitable in this post-AI universe.

So what you do is you take out your phone and you call the handyman, and see if those rich people will have any internships or training programs available for you.

(panel chirps)

Handyman service, how can I help you?

RANDY: Yeah, hi, it’s Randy Marsh.

I was wondering if you might have any internships available for my daughter…

Hey! What in tarnation?!

I told you I’d beat you, you son’ bitch!

You ain’t beatin’ me! Turn up them thrusters!

My galactic cruiser’s bigger than yours!

H-Hello?

Get out my way, you little pecker!

Hello? Never mind.

The rich people are all just fucking around in space.

(rumbling)

What the hell was that?

I’m getting significantly strong readings from the panderstone.

Mr. Iger. We may have a solution.

If this Kathleen Kennedy here is from somewhere else, then there has to be a match for her somewhere in our universe.

So what we can do is use an AI program that can take every image ever put on the Internet to try and find a match to our image.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Different, different, different, different, different, different, different, different, different, different…

Same.

IGER: Eric Cartman.

South Park Elementary.

Evans, Mallory, come with me.

The rest of you, don’t let Kathleen Kennedy find out what we’re up to.

It’s okay, we’re keeping Mrs. Kennedy distracted.

We’ve sent her away to have lunch at Spago.

(classical music playing)

There you are, Mrs. Kennedy, the linguini and clam sauce.

Uh, excuse me?

I believe I asked you to put a chick in this and make her gay?

Uh…

Yes, the chef was a little confused what you meant by that.

It means put a chick in the linguini and make her fucking gay!

And I want it lame!

(screaming)

She’s gonna get me! She’s gonna get me!

(horn blaring)

(screams)

No, no, no, no, no!

Hey, who’s that, Ned?

I’m not sure.

No!

There he is! Get him!

(screams)

No. Oh, my God, please, no!

No…!

Which way did they go?

(gasps)

We have to work together.

Fuck you, Kathleen Kennedy! Stay away, you fuckin’ bitch!

I’m in the same situation you are, Eric!

I know you’re in the wrong universe.

So am I.

Well, there’s no other way to put it.

They have us over a barrel.

We give these billionaires all our money, rely on them, and so they can do whatever they want.

Let’s just face it, we’re never gonna get our stuff fixed.

Yeah.

And I guess it’s nobody’s fault but our own.

Excuse me?

My name is Bob Iger from the Disney entertainment company.

We’re looking for an Eric Cartman.

Our universe has been manipulated with.

Have you all noticed anything strange?

Yes. Yes, the world is completely upside down!

Nothing makes sense!

It’s because there’s some kind of disruption in the panderverse.

We believe Kathleen Kennedy has opened a portal.

This is all Kathleen Kennedy’s fault?

This is all Kathleen Kennedy’s fault!

Who’s Kathleen Kennedy?

One of the top executives at Disney.

It’s not us, you guys.

I knew there was an explanation!

We didn’t waste our time at college!

We didn’t get lazy from technology!

Everything is Kathleen Kennedy’s fault!

(all cheering)

Follow me. I’ll help you find Eric.

Okay, okay, everything is finally loaded.

We got Internet at full capacity.

You guys ready to see if this works?

BOTH: Yeah!

All right, let’s do this!

Launching Steam now.

Steam?

Okay. I’m in Steam.

Got the application ready to go.

The title screen is launching!

It’s working. It’s working, you guys!

It looks sweet on this big monitor!

Wait a minute. You mean this entire time, all you’ve wanted to do is play Baldur’s Gate 3?

Yeah. What’d you think I was trying to do?

We thought you were trying to set up some elaborate system to get back to your universe!

I ain’t no quantum astro physicist.

The fuck I know about how the multiverse works?

Wow. It really is Cartman.

All right, that does it!

Get out of my room!

You have to be cool to me, Kyle. PC Principal says so.

I don’t care! All this multiple universe stuff is tired and lazy and we are not doing it anymore!

Boys! Boys, we need to help Disney put our universe back together.

Where’s Eric Cartman?

Dad, this might be hard to understand, but this is Eric Cartman.

Oh, okay, great. Come on, Eric, we need to go.

(Kyle groans)

We have to hurry, Eric.

No. No, wait.

Something’s wrong. Oh, my God!

What is it?

My save game.

I’m already like 50 hours into Baldur’s Gate 3 but it’s saying that I have to start a new game.

Do save games not cross between multiple universes?

Save games don’t even cross between PCs and PS5s, why would they cross between multiple universes?

No…!

Please, everyone. We are running out of time!

We have to close the panderverse before

everything we care about is destroyed!

So what do we have to do?

We have to get everyone back to the proper place, but to breach the panderverse, we need to find a place with integrity that has a broken door.

A place with “integridy” that has a broken door.

I know where to go.

So, yeah, so it’s just basically off the hinges.

I’d fix it myself but I’ve been really busy.

Do you think it’ll work?

If we’re to try to open a panderverse portal, it’s as good as any place, I suppose.

Okay, people, we don’t have much time.

Bring in the panderstone.

(bicycle bell dings)

I’m not your enemy, Eric.

For some reason fate has put us together.

What do you want from me, Kathleen Kennedy?

I’ve been stuck in this universe for months.

I want out of here just as much as you do.

Hello, welcome to City Woke, can I take your order, please?

Ugh.

We’re just having tea, thank you.

Okay, you just wanna tea and talk about shitty male-dominated society, that’s fine.

I don’t get it, this is exactly the kind of universe you wanted, why would you want to leave?

To stop her from undoing the panderverse completely.

I saw the panderstone for the first time a few years ago.

Bob Iger took us to the Disney archives and showed us an ancient piece of artificial intelligence that could be used to make the same movies over and over again while appealing to absolutely everyone.

The panderstone worked great, for a while.

But then came the hate mail. Ugly letters from racists who couldn’t stand that some of the panderstone’s rehashes had diverse women characters in the lead.

I decided I would show them. I would start making movies to fight all the bigotry in our society.

But instead of doing any real work, I turned to the panderstone. It made things so much easier.

Soon, I was using the panderstone over and over again to try and fight all the ugly feedback, which in turn was growing stronger and stronger.

But I was fighting with the wrong tool.

I used the panderstone to the point that it became unstable.

(whooshing)

It opened a portal to multiple universes, and something came through.

At first we fought. I tried to send it back to its universe.

But it got the upper hand.

It was able instead to send me to this universe, out of its way so it could thrive in ours.

(sighs) That’s actually the best explanation I’ve heard as to why Disney movies all suck now.

(typing)

All right, I’ve set the panderstone into the compromised doorway.

Activating the panderstone now.

Whoa!

Space-time portal is manifesting!

Panderverse quantum fields are aligned!

Yeah, that sounds like typical multiverse gobbledygook.

Will you stop ripping on multiple universes, Kyle?

I’m trying to get back to Baldur’s Gate.

Now I warn you, Mr. Marsh, once inside the panderverse, you will be falling through different realities.

Your mind will barely be able to comprehend what you are experiencing.

SHARON: Randy?

I think the oven door is still having problems if you…

I am working on it, Sharon!

The portal is at full. This might be our only shot!

Good luck, Mr. Marsh!

Whoa!

(screaming)

Hold on to the rope!

Oh, whoa!

Oh, my God.

Whoa!

Whoa.

(grunting)

Oh, God, it’s so weird.

Shorts, now I’m wearing shorts!

(yelling)

Can you imagine it?

An infinite number of universes with infinite combinations of pants and shirts.

What do you think about multiple universes now, boys?

Yeah, they’re pretty fucking stupid.

Yeah.

I understand that maybe you were trying to make a difference, Kathleen.

But you have to admit the last few movies you’ve shit out have been real stinkers.

All I ever wanted was to make great entertainment, believe me.

But as soon as you start getting piles and piles of hate mail, endless messages calling you the c-word, you can’t think straight.

Well, I’m sorry I wrote all those letters.

It probably was a bit much.

No, I got like 10,000 letters a day.

Mm, I was doing more like 12,000 to 13,000, especially after the new Indiana Jones came out.

Then it’s you! You’re the one who caused all this!

Fuck you! You’re the one who caused all this!

I wouldn’t have tried to fight racism with the panderstone if you hadn’t written all those letters.

I wouldn’t have written all those letters if you hadn’t tried to fight racism with a fucking panderstone.

(whooshing)

Mr. Marsh! Can you hear us?

RANDY: Oh, wow!

You should see the pants I have on now!

Whoa! Oh, now I have on, like, suspenders.

Like almost like overalls but not quite!

My God.

Mr. Marsh! Try and stay focused!

You should be seeing another portal soon!

If our Kathleen Kennedy got the other Eric Cartman to the right place.

RANDY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Dad? What’s the matter?

I’m wearing a Baltimore Ravens shirt now!

I hate the Ravens!

I don’t know if I can do this!

Oh, now it’s the Dolphins! Ah! The Chiefs!

Oh, it’s the Chiefs!

He’s losing his mind!

The panderverse is filled with mystery and paradox, you… You have to try and hang on!

(rumbling)

Jesus, it’s getting worse.

Where the fuck is Bob Iger?

Uh, Mr. Iger just had to take some of the others to a screening.

I think that things are being kept from me.

And if you’re going to keep things from me, then you’d better put a chick in it, and make her fucking gay as fuck.

(rumbling)

So that’s it, that’s the connection.

I reacted to you and you reacted to me.

And I guess we created each other.

Mrs. Kennedy, I don’t think I’ve ever said this before in my life but… I’m sorry.

I lashed out so hard and used the c-word so many times, you didn’t really have a choice but to double down.

Eric, I know you care about all things Disney.

I’m sorry I was so reckless with the things that you love.

It was just lazy.

I guess just wailing on woke stuff all the time is pretty lazy, too.

I think… I think I can let go now.

Aah…

Come on, Kate. Looks like we got a flight to catch.

(electricity crackles)

Whoa, what the hell is that?

(screaming)

(others gasp)

Oh, yo, bitch! You killed Kenny!

You fat ho!

(electricity crackles)

(tires screech)

Look!

I’m back, you guys!

Kyle! Kyle, I’m back!

I was so wrong about Kathleen Kennedy, Kyle, she’s so awesome!

Okay, what Cartman is this?

Mrs. Kennedy, you’re back!

Great to see you, ma’am.

Thanks, you guys.

We have a lot of changes to discuss at the company.

From now on we’re only going to make original content that doesn’t pander.

Sure we will, Kate. Sure we will.

(chuckles)

RANDY: Hey, guys! Guys, over here!

I did a little extra work while I was out in multiple universes.

We’re not gonna have a problem with billionaires anymore, check it out!

(all cheering)

Now people who can do stuff will be just as poor as the rest of us!

(excited clamoring)

Tom, it appears that everything is back to normal.

Billionaires have been put in their place and once again it doesn’t matter that we don’t know how to do anything.

It’s a good ending here and we can all be happy that everyone is back in their universe.

(screaming, panting)

Mom! Mom!

What is it, Mrs. Kennedy?

Oh. Oh, Mom!

I was just having the worst nightmare.

I was me except everyone around me was different.

Oh, no, Mrs. Kennedy.

Here, have some of your favorite cereal to calm you down.

Oh, thank you. It was so real.

All my friends were there but they’d been replaced by strangers.

I think you were even there too, Kyle.

Really? I was there, too?

Yeah, that’s right, Kyle, you were there but you weren’t cereal and I couldn’t just eat you like I can here.

(munching)

(Kyle screaming)

KYLE: No, please, no, Mrs. Kennedy!

Oh, you’re so yummy, Kyle!

Oh, oh, it’s so good to be home.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

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