RICHARD PRYOR: …HERE AND NOW (1983) – Full Transcript

Three years after a drug-related accident that nearly killed him, a clean and sober Richard Pryor weighs in on heroin, Ronald Reagan and more.

Richard Pryor will make me laugh until I cry. – I just I love his humor. – He can make anything funny. He hits home.
After all, that’s why I’m here, ’cause of the people. It’s not something that was made up in some agent’s office.
Tell the world go out and see Richard Pryor. The man is phenomenal. He’s the best comedian I’ve ever seen. He’s the best in the north, south, east and west. I’ve never seen him in person, but I’m gonna see him tonight. I wanna laugh till it hurts. He’s live, always live.
They pull for me to do well. You know, I feel it.
I admire his courage. – He’s an artist. – He’s like being at a party. – It’s like he’s telling the truth. – I like everything about Richard Pryor. – I don’t like him. I love him. – Hey, he’s just the most, man. – I think he’s the comedian of the ’80s. What can I tell ya? He’s the most from coast to coast. Richard is.
Richard Pryor!
There’s something in me that’s dying to express itself. The changes are so immense. It has to do with the work.
What kind of shit you handing me? – Sign it. Fuck is it? I don’t know what you handing me to sign. What the fuck it say on there? Champagne list? I ain’t signing for no goddamn champagne. Here. You take this shit, boy, and you stuff this up your ass. I ain’t signing it. I’m an old man. I know about things. And I know I ain’t signing shit now. I’m up here trying to earn some money, boy. I’m working hard. For all these people, son. You know what? You remind me of– You know– Do you know Junior Shore? You any relation to Junior? You his nephew, ain’t ya? You see, I remember when you was little. You, Sarah Thompson– Yeah, that was you. You, Sarah Thompson, son of Poole… was over there in that car in the junkyard. You boys had her panties down. Didn’t you? I remember you was fucking on each other. I’m the one that told you don’t do it. Remember that? I made you leave that girl alone… ’cause she was young and pretty too. And she was sweet. Breasts smelled like Carnation milk. – What’s your name, boy? -Joe. – What? -Joe. That’s all? You brought your big ass all the way back there… and all is your name is Joe? Goddamn it. ”To Joe.” Fuck it. I thought your name would be Kunta Kinte or something.
It’s a great gift to be able to laugh.
I remember when I was 20, I used to could fuck all day. Quick, but all day, right? Excuse me. Pop! Thank you. Excuse me. Pardon me, miss.
And I’m sober. I’m not doing drugs. That’s a damn good accomplishment.
See, I stopped drinking. I haven’t had no drugs in five months, man. For real. Nothin’, right? People applauding knew me when I did drugs. ”Boy, are we glad.”
I’m ahead.
We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard!
Ladies and gentlemen… the two most beautiful words in the world of comedy… Richard Pryor!

Hello. Good evening. How you doin’? Welcome. Glad you come this evening. Why are there people in the aisle? Listen, these people, shit, done snuck in, fucked with your seats. Oh, boy. What’s happening? How you doing, white person? This man got eight drinks. He’s gonna– Sit your ass down. What happens– You go out and the lights was out, and you went out to get some shit. Now you don’t remember where you were sittin’. ‘Cause he see the people, come back like this. How’s our baby? How you doin’? I’m happy to be here in New Orleans. I really am. This is a beautiful theater. What? Well, thank you. Thank you, baby. Going to– You gonna out-drunk each other? Sho’ you right. I love you too. I love you back. I’m waiting for– You know, this is– Shut the fuck up. Hey! Sometimes people just want me to talk nasty to ’em, right? They get it and then they satisfied. Shit. That’s right. Talk to me like a woman. Shit. No, but this theater is something special. What, the man taking tickets? What’d he take? What kind of shit you got in your hand there, sister? Oh, they just pass out all that shit. Why are all these people coming this way and there are no seats? Oh, there’s two seats. There. They’re not taken. Please sit down. That’s right. Get in there, motherfucker. Hi. Hello. Hi. See, you sat in the right seat ’cause when the show don’t be funny… I take my dick out and piss. This is called the garden row. Yeah. No problem. No problem. So I– Them’s cameras and shit, but you know that. This is the shit we do. This is the movies. I came last night, man. I had a– You have to match the shit to the lights, right? And I came last night, man. I had on some beautiful shit. I sent it to the dude, man. They said they gonna dye it for me. You know, so it would fit with the lights. Let me show you the shit. This shit is– Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is what the shit looked like when it came back. Boy, I was mad than a motherfucker,Jack. I saw all this shit and I said, ”What the fuck happened to my jacket?” And they was very diplomatic ’cause Jim Brown brought it to me, you know… so I couldn’t jump on that motherfucker, right? I looked at the jacket and said, ”Oh, that’s nice,Jim. Shit,just the way I like my jackets.” You know, the motherfucker left. I talked about his ass too. ”Big black motherfucker. Look what he did to my jacket. Fucked my shit– Fucked my shit up.” ‘Cause he was sitting in there in the room with me… I didn’t want to fuck around ’cause his whole leg was big as me. So I say, ”Hey,Jim, shit, this is hip. I can’t wait till I put this shit on tonight.” I ain’t gonna wear this motherfucker. Fuck you, jacket.
This is the set and shit. This ain’t real, now. ‘Cause there might be some tourists and shit be saying… ”Hey, there’s Bourbon Street. It look like my house.” But they fixed this shit up. In Hollywood, them motherfuckers, boy, they’re good, ain’t they? They done created an illusion. Hey, I like the way that did that. Shit. Creative. Listen, listen. This motherfucker would be fucked up,Jack. You should have this on the street when the motherfucker leave home drunk. You flip this shit out in front of your house. Right? Motherfucker come back– ”Hey, baby! Shit! Baby? Bitch, what’s happening?” But this is always the impression that people get of New Orleans, right? This Bourbon Street. Like I said. Like there ain’t no more of New Orleans. If you ain’t in the French Quarter, fuck it. But they got a whole lot of shit here. How you doin’, sir? The motherfucker walk like he dared for somebody to be in his seat. Look at him. You knew wasn’t nobody gonna be in your shit, right?

This is a strange place though, New Orleans… ’cause you can’t tell what no motherfucker is down here. No, ’cause you motherfuckers look white and be black. So– And then the black ones talk that funny kind of shit. You know, you talk to ’em, say– ”What you want? You come back– You like me, yeah?” And the girls say, ”You gonna fuck me for true?”

Shit like that. You know. Shit! See, you go up north, white folks don’t know what to do,Jack. ”Why, this is a different kind. Shit, he must be from Brazil or somewhere.” You know what? Down here, motherfuckers have the biggest fun of anybody. Motherfuckers have a parade, start dancin’ at a drop of a hat. Right? Just go outside in the sunshine. ”Say, have you a buzz on yet? I like it, me.” The motherfuckers start dancin’ and shit. Be 400 people be dancin’ down the street… talking about, ”The sun is shining, hey!”
And I understand like you dance at funerals and shit. Have a good time. You don’t be fucking around. ”Motherfucker dead. Let’s dance his ass off. It’s a good day to die, motherfucker, ’cause we having big fun.” That’s the way to do it. It ain’t supposed to be around cryin’ and shit. Motherfucker’s gone. That’s it. You say, ”Shit, we had big fun when he was here. Ain’t no need to start crying now ’cause he’s gone.” That’s the way life is, isn’t it?

Brother over here look mad. What’s the matter, they stole your seat? You had to whup somebody to get it back? You see, you come too late. Tough shit. Act a fool. You’ll get your seat. ”Where’s my motherfuckin’ seat?” Yeah, you’ll get a seat. Motherfucker say… ”No, don’t worry. We have a seat right here.”

It’s just so hot down here now. You know, it get hot down here. Hey! People be in the street you don’t wanna be fucked with either. They be just walking just like– Really. ”How you doin’?” I don’t know how they had no slavery when it be hot down here… ’cause slaves would’ve quit, say, ”Hey man, fuck you. Shit. Carry that shit yourself.” I think all this shit, slaves built all this shit down in here… or carried the shit that built it, right? I looked at the Mississippi, I said, ”Motherfucker had to walk across that.” ”Get your black ass on there and walk. Carry that tree. Don’t start no shit.” You all some cold motherfuckers, boy. Your ancestors. You know, you guys didn’t do nothin’ on no holidays… or like weekends or somethin’. You motherfuckers just hanged black people, right? Be bored and shit. Motherfuckers would say– Saturday night be hot. Can’t get no pussy. ”What you wanna do? Shoot, ain’t nothin’ to do… go down to jail and string one up.” And black people be standing around, watching ’em. The guy be saying, ”Fuck that. Help me!” See, you all, if–

Does it snow down here sometime? No? You’re all spoiled, see. You all don’t know about cold and shit like up in Illinois, where I’m from. You all should get some cold. I guess it get cold here, it get 50? You all get mad than a mother– ”You know it’s 50 outside, man? Shit! Done fucked up my day! Shit!” Back there in Chicago, in the Midwest, boy, it gets cold. – I’m talking cold. Make you change– – How cold? What? This ain’t Johnny Carson, motherfucker. I mean, it get cold when you go outside. The wind be waiting on your ass around the corner like this… waiting for you to come outside. ”Here he come.” And that shit, boy– I came from California. I hadn’t been home about five years, and I went back home. And I had some summer shit like this, and it was cold. That wind waited for me to get into the street. It didn’t even do nothin’ while I was walking through the airport. And soon as I got outside, it was– ”Get your shit– Put that shit up around your head. Stop fucking around.” And you can’t be prejudiced in the winter ’cause it’s too cold, right? You’d be trying to find a doorway and shit. You’d be– ”Shit! Hey, man, it cold. Be prejudice this summer. It’s all right now.”

Bullshit! – Bullshit? My dick. People in the audience get hostile. You drunk, motherfucker? ”Fuck it! Bullshit!” I stopped drinking. I used to drink a lot. Stopped. It’s been seven months. That’s a strange– It was really– it’s really strange. – I don’t believe that shit. – Oh, you don’t have to. I know you ain’t gonna believe it ’cause you fucked up. ”Listen, I don’t– Hey! Shit!” No, I just thought I’d try that for a while after 20 years. Motherfucker, give yourself a break. I’ll probably die tomorrow. Trying to slow down, you know. – But it’s different. – Don’t do that! Don’t do that. Well– You fucked up, Rich! No, I just been through like a life– in your life. I guess you go through changes in your life, you know. You get one moment, and then you just fucking change. Something happened in my life fucking changed my mind about all the shit. ‘Cause I used to think I knew everything, man. I’d be fucked up. I just knew it. I knew all the shit. And all of a sudden, I don’t know shit. I’m one of the dumbest motherfuckers ever lived. If you catch me on the wrong day and ask me my name, you gonna get trouble. ”Hey, what’s your name?” ”Uh, wait. Shit. Motherfucker, don’t rush me, motherfucker. Just take it easy.” ‘Cause I feel a lot different. I feel a lot of different shit, man, you know. When I was drinking though, it was fun. I stopped drinking ’cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90. You know, trying to talk to the police… when your mouth don’t work. I don’t know what it is that make drunk people want to talk. But you can bet if somebody drunk, he gonna talk. You know what I mean? You ever be driving and the police ease up behind your ass… put them bright lights on you? And your brain start going, ”Don’t worry about it. Just be cool. Everything– Don’t worry. Just be cool. Now straighten up. Just put your arm– put your arm on the window. That’s right. Put your arm on the window. Be cool. Lay back. All right. Just get it together. You’re ready now. When he come up, say everything’s fine, all right? Just say everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Now, that’s what you say in your brain, but your mouth has made up its mind. Your mouth be saying, ”I’m going to say these words the way I fuckin’ want to.” Policeman come up talkin’ about, ”How you feeling?” ”Yeah, right. Wanna get out?” ”Shit, ain’t I out?” I had a partner they used to make walk that white line. Motherfucker mashed potatoes. Mother– ”Just fuck it! Shit!” Split and shit.
I don’t know, man. I used to get drunk and try to talk. And you can never understand a drunk… and he’ll explain anything to you. Right? Police come up– ”What happened here?” Hey! I know! I was in the– Shit! I was– Wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shit! See him drunk outside. Motherfucker get drunk, start cryin’ and shit. You– Shit. The motherfuckers! Motherfucker– You go home, be fucked up. You ever– – How’s your mama? – How’s my mama? I beg your pardon. I’ll slap you in the mouth with my dick. One at a time, please. I gonna finish with this motherfucker ask me about my mama. How’s your mama?
You ever go home drunk and you try to get to your bed… and the house moves? You know, it just moves. I don’t know where it’s going, but it’ll be– And you can’t get to it. You say, ”Just let me get this foot moving… and I’ll make it to this fuckin’ bed.” And your mind start fuckin’ with ya. ”Don’t be sick.” Uh, I’m not gonna be sick. Goddamn it, I’m not going to be sick. ”Yes, you are.” No, I won’t. I won’t be sick. I don’t wanna be. Let me lay down on the floor. This shit– Just lay on the floor. Please, just– I’ll lay down here. I’ll be all right. Just let me take the rug and cover myself. Just– And you start prayin’ and shit, right? Oh, God. Oh, God. Don’t let me be sick, God, please. Oh, God. And you can’t find a position that’s comfortable. I don’t give a fuck where you lay when you drunk, it ain’t comfortable. Uh, here it is. Right. No, that ain’t it. I’ll just– There. That’s it. Now that’s real comfortable. Oh, God, no, please. Oh, God, I’ll never drink again. Believe me. Just let me make it to the toilet. And you crawl to the toilet bowl. Let me crawl to the toilet bowl. My place of rest. And we can make some funny-ass sounds when you get sick. You throw up, I mean, it’s unique. You never hear that shit any other time. You know, the– I never make that sound ordinarily. And you ever just– You ever heave from your nuts… like you just get– get one of them going? And it look like you become a decorator. You know, like one spot ain’t good enough. No, let’s– Over here. Get a little on your shoes. That’s nice. You wake up in your garage. Under your car. Dogs be looking at you and shit. That’s when– That’s when you know you fucked up, when your dog won’t come to you. And I don’t know– Where does that breath come from? Where does the breath come? It’s like somebody just shit in your mouth. And walked in it and shit like that. You ever wake up and it hit the pillow? You’d be sleeping, it hit your pillow, you be– And you’d be sick, your head be hurtin’ and just– You don’t wanna move. Help. Shut up. I got a motherfuckin’ hangover. ”Were you drunk last night?” Just kill me bitch, but don’t torture me. ”You need to eat some eggs.” Oh, God, no, please.
I don’t know why my wives put up with my ass so long with me. ‘Cause I would get– act ignorant. I wasn’t even close to being normal. I was ignorant. I couldn’t stop drinking till the bartender said… ”We got no more fuckin’ liquor! Take your ass home, pal!”

I’ve been married about four– five– four times. Married to white and black. I’m tellin’ ya– this is a bitch– there is no difference… except subtle shit you can pull on white women you can’t pull on black women. You know, like in an argument or somethin’, you can pull that shit. ”Hey, baby, it’s a black thing! I’m a black man. You do not understand or get… the motivation of the black man, you understand?” ”Oh, yes, dear. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” Black women, you cannot do that but once. And they get that motherfuckin’ head goin’. You know what I mean? ”Oh, no, motherfucker! Don’t you– That’s gonna be your ass… ’cause you shouldn’t have had the bitch in there the first time! Yeah, you bad. Now be bad now!” And then you end up, ”Hey, darling, no, dear, I was just kidding. Go over here. I won’t do anything.”
I don’t mind the divorce and shit. It’s just they want the money when you get divorced. And I’ll be going, ”Wait, bitch. You ain’t told nary a joke.” They say, ”Well, maybe you’ll think this is funny.” Hand you some papers from the lawyer and shit right here. ”Holy shit, that is funny.” And you feel bad when your lawyer turn on your ass, right? He be saying, ”I think you should settle. No,just take my advice. Settle. She’s gonna say a lot of things that you don’t want known.” ”Wait. She gonna tell about me and that goat?” When I was married, man, I tried to be whatever it is. I tried to do it, whatever the fuck it is. I can’t do it. You just have to be a special kind of man to handle that shit. I can’t handle it. I mean, I go home, man… sometime my wife would start shit that I didn’t understand. You know, like, ”I don’t want those people in this house again.” What? What? ”I don’t want them here.” You’re married, you know. You say, ”Fuck it, I’m in love. Maybe I’ll try it. Maybe I’ve been wrong three other times. Shit. I’m gonna try to make this shit work. Hey, you don’t want ’em in the house, baby? Their ass ain’t gonna be in the house, okay? What? No, I’ll handle it. Don’t worry. Hey, you motherfuckers, get out! No, partner. Hey,Jack, you gotta go. Don’t come back no more, motherfuckers. ‘Cause you got somethin’. My wife’s seen it. I don’t wanna get it.” ”You gonna be all right, Rich?” ”This is it, Jack. I’m in love now. Just don’t come around no more. Meet you around the corner.” Then they start talking about come home earlier. Wait. Come home? What the fuck you talking about? ”You’re out too late and you do drugs all night and you’re just out.” ”But I be having fun. What time is a good time?” ”10:00.” Hey, man, I’m wrong. Could be. 10:00. Shit. You’d be in a restaurant, eating. Drinking fast. ”What’s the matter, Rich?” ”I gotta be home by 10:00!” Come home, be a house full of women I don’t know. Be sitting around, talking shit. Eating my food. Ask me to serve them something to drink. I’d say, ”Bitch, who are you?” ”I’m an old friend of your wife’s.” ”Yeah? Are you a nurse? ‘Cause that’s what she gonna need if you keep fucking with me.” Sometime, though– sometime you can be in love with somebody, and it’s great… then you fuck around and marry ’em. And I don’t know, somethin’ happen when woman get married, man… that you’ve been with a long time, there’s somethin’ about their attitude– ”Good morning, dear.” ”Good morning. How are you today? Have you been to the bank yet?” I’ve had some fun. I meet some strange women, being in show business. I’m glad of that, but strange. You know, I met one lady, came to my hotel room. She was a weight lifter. She was beautiful, man. And she went to the– come to the hotel room. Beautiful body. She talk all that cosmic shit. And you know, when you want some pissy– ”Pissy”? When you want some pissy– That’s the new thing. I hope to get some soon, some pissy. But you do. If you want some pussy, you’ll talk all that shit with ’em. ”Hey, yeah, sure, the cosmos, yeah. Study it often, you know.” And we got ready to make love, man. She was naked and stuff. I said, ”Boy, I’m gonna tear this pussy up.” And she got in. I got ready to get on top of her. She said… ”Oh, we’re not going to fuck.” And I always be thinking about my career or somethin’. I don’t want to be fucking around, end up in the paper. ”Man Tries to Take Pussy.” You know, ’cause that’s low-down. I don’t wanna be like that. I don’t want nobody say that– Ha ha, made you move. Stole the seat, had to move. April fool. Right? You know. But I don’t wonder why women don’t say that thing before your dick get hard. You know, when they get to the hotel: ”We’re not fucking.” Thank you. And I tell my dick. ”We’re not gonna fuck. So be cool, right? It’s just some bullshit conversation till some pussy come along. So shut up.” But they wait till your dick hard enough to cut diamonds. Then they be talking about, ”We’re not going to fuck.” ”Listen, what am I gonna do with this? I will beat your brains out with this! What do you mean?” I was readin’ something in the paper or– What, Libya? Are we fighting Libya yet or somethin’? I don’t know. I was hearing it on the news, something about Libya, Khadafy. – And Chad. – Chad. Motherfucker going somewhere to die, don’t even know the name of it. We’re going to Chad We’re going to Chad They start shootin’, you say, Get the fuck out of here That’s funny. America used to be a different kind of country… like we didn’t fuck with people smaller than us and shit. You know, but now, I mean, little Libya and shit. Look like America go, ”Shut the fuck up! Just sit your ass down somewhere. Don’t you be fuckin’ around. Just shut up, motherfucker.” But Americans act like they take that shit serious… like little Libya gonna kick our ass. ”Shut the fuck up, goddamn it.” I remember when America used to be that kind of country, right? We didn’t fuck with nobody. Now we be fuckin’ with people in El Salvador and shit. How we gonna lose? Thirty-five people in El Salvador. Right? We be sending advisors and shit, right? ”That’s how it goes, pal. Take my advice and do it that way.” I don’t know– ‘Cause this is the greatest country in the world, right? Man, we ain’t supposed to be fuckin’ with nobody. Have any of you ever been to Africa, back to the motherland? That’s something. One person held their hand up, way in the back. Two. You came from there, motherfucker. You ain’t bullshittin’. No. It’s something. I had big fun. I went to Zimbabwe. And it’s a new country, right? It’s about three years old now. It used to be Rhodesia before they killed all them white motherfuckers. It’s the only country I’ve been to black people kicked ass over there. Seven years they killed motherfuckers,Jack. They happy too. You walk down the street, they’re just smiling. ”Hello. Oh, they don’t fuck with us no more, no.” I was over there with some American brothers, man. I met an American brother. He came over there on vacation. He called home and said, ”Bitch, sell all the shit. I ain’t never coming back to that mother. Sell my motorcycle and my shirt. Bring your ass on.” We had a good time. We was sitting around talking, about four Americans. We talked about five hours. Talked about some good shit, right? And an African man asked us, we was talking, and he said… ”What language do you speak at home?” You know, we looked at each other, you know. ”What? English?” ”Everybody speak English, but what language you speak when you’re home?” One of the brothers looked at him and say, ”Uh,jive?” ‘Cause I guess that’s right. Right? You know. I don’t know where in the fuck I came from over there. No, it’s just a nice feeling. I know how white people feel in America now. Relaxed. That’s right, ’cause you hear like a police car coming… you know it ain’t coming after your ass. Right? You just– ”I wish they’d keep that goddamn noise down.” I hear it, I wake up automatically, start thinking about shit I did. ”What the motherfucker done? Oh, shit, let me see.” Till they go by, I say, ”Shit, oh, it ain’t me.” In Africa, though, I had that feeling, man. I just was comfortable. I knew the police wasn’t going to be fucking with me… unless the government changed overnight. That’s a good feeling though. You can go out. We went out into the bush and stayed– That’s like the country, you know. That’s where you see the animals and shit… ’cause the city’s just like anyplace else. But you go out in the country– You see some lions and shit. I’m talking about real lions. Not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. You know how you go fucking with the lion. ”Hey, lion, motherfucker.” Be throwing shit at it. Lion be, ”Hey!” You don’t throw shit at them real lions, boy. If they don’t eat it, they kick your ass. And somebody always wanna go up and fuck with the lions. Tourists always want– ”Oh, George, stop here. Look at those lions. I’ve got to go stand next to them.” And the lions snapped all the ass off of’em. George would be grinning and shit, talkin’ about– ”Wanna try that again, dear? I didn’t get that one.” We saw– I saw a lion kill a water buffalo. Two women lion killed him dead… and the male lion come to eat, chasing them away, right? He come to eat, and we went to take a picture, and he didn’t like it. And he bent down and picked the water buffalo up by its nuts. He picked it up by its nuts, threw it over its head. Turned his ass to us. You know, it was like, ”Take a picture of that.” Every place I go though, man, everybody I meet, they wanna come here. They wanna come to America, all the three countries I’ve been to. I don’t wanna sound like I’ve been everywhere. You start talking to ’em, and they start talking about America. And it makes your dick hard for America. They do. They finish talking, you be saying… ”Shit. I gotta get my ass back there. We got all that shit in America?” ”Yes, you can eat I say, ”Yeah, that motherfucker right.” You got some money or a pistol, you can get something to eat. But in Africa, man, if after 9:00, if you haven’t eaten… that’s your ass till in the morning. You just be hungry, even with a pistol. There ain’t nothin’ to hold up. You’d be going, ”Stick ’em up.” ”What you gonna stick up? We got nothin’ to steal. Why don’t you go out in the bush, fuck with them lions?” And in the country, it’s nice, like if you go somewhere like– you know, you go on tours, like tourist hotel. And you’d be in the hotel, bunch of tourists and shit. And early in the morning, you hear some of the warriors come back from hunting. You hear ’em out there singing in the night. That shit’ll wake you up too,Jack. You’ll be asleep– You go outside to see that shit, see about a hundred dudes coming back. It’d be beautiful, man. And white people start asking you questions then. ”What are they saying? What are they talking about? What’s going on? Rich, you got any idea? What are they doing? There’s a hundred of them. What are they planning, anything?” I like to go– Pretend like I know what’s happening, right? ”Shh! Keep it down. Keep it down. I think you better get back in your room, sir. This could be it.” I don’t know. It’s just– It’s so different though. Things are different, like here, man. I don’t understand sometime what goes on with people here. ‘Cause like here we are here in this theater… we’re getting along real good until we go outside… then the shit change. So we just must be some crazy motherfuckers or something. ‘Cause we can get along real great for a moment and then we can’t… so that’s insanity, you know? ‘Cause we must be good all the time if we can get good for a little while. But don’t take my word for it. Ask the president. I met the president. We in trouble. I went to the White House. They had this big receiving line and shit. You know, you go by. I went for this movie, Superman, you know. I was standing in line and shit, and I say… ”I know the motherfucker didn’t invite me. I’m just here for this movie.” I walk by in the line, gonna meet him. Said, ”Don’t be prejudice. Open your mind. See what kind of dude he is.” I walk up, the motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. You know, I said, ”Hi, Mr. President.” ”Hi.” ”Well, I guess that’s it, huh? Well, I’ll just walk on out here, sir, and, uh… I guess this is where everybody else will be, huh? Well, nice meeting ya. I’ll just be right– I’ll be out here. If you’re interested, I’ll be right outside here.” Then you get mad. I said, ”I didn’t ask to come to this motherfucker! I know you ain’t getting no pussy.” Right? ‘Cause he looked like a dick. You ever notice? He does. Like, not even a hard-on. But just a dick with clothes on, you know? That’s why he want them MX’s and shit, so he can get off. ”Shoot one of them big babies off.” No, ’cause they be talking about dropping bombs and shit, man. I’m talking about nuclear bombs. I’m talking about fucking up our Sundays. I mean, motherfucker say– If they had a nuclear war, they wouldn’t have to drop no bombs. All they have to do is tell us they’re going to, then announce to us… ”Find the fallout shelters.” ‘Cause there ain’t a motherfucker here know where one at. ”Let’s get to the shelter.” Right! Oh, shit, uh– Wait a minute. I knew where it was in high school. Wait a minute. ‘Cause they say we have a half a hour warning. That ain’t enough time. I want at least nine, ten months. Can you imagine what the highways would be like? You’d be– Motherfucker say, ”We got a half-hour,Jack.” Beep, beep! You ain’t gonna get nowhere. I know what I’m gonna do. There’s a lady I’ve wanted to fuck for eight years. I’m gonna run over to her house. You know, say, ”Hey, look, baby, we got about 1 5 minutes.” Hope I get a nut just as the bomb go off. ”Thank you.” ‘Cause they got people building fallout shelters in their homes and shit. And that’s all right if you home when they drop the bomb. But if you out, and the motherfucker say, ”The bomb is dropping”… we fucked. Motherfucker say, ”What? Not now, motherfucker!” ‘Cause all of us can’t get in the ladies’ room. ‘Cause they drop the bomb, that’s some fine shit. I’m gonna get out. I don’t know about you all. I’m getting out if there’s some fire. I know all the exits and shit. I ain’t even worried. Even if people climbed the doorway… I’ll eat through somebody’s ass to get out. Oh, yeah. I’ll be outside laughing with the firemen and shit. What’s happening in there? ”Hey, damn, boy. It’s a terrible thing. Twenty people in there with their asses eaten out. You know anything about it, fella?” What wereJapanese people thinking in 1 941 , huh? What was they– What was on their mind to be bombing Pearl Harbor? They sat around and said, ”We bomb Pearl Harbor. They never fuck with us again.” Right? What they say? ”We going to California, then we bomb– No need. Pearl Harbor is enough.” ‘Cause they’d been to the University of California… and saw white people laid back. They hadn’t been to the University of Alabama or Mississippi. Right? I mean– I’m not lyin’, man. They got white folks down there… they keep on a leash in the basement. ”Hold it! Not yet! Just a minute! Maybe Central America will let you go, but not yet. Hold it. Sit. Sit.” Shit, man. You know, when I first– When I first came up here… I use to live down this way. Shit. Don’t tell me shit. Came up here– That’s right. I went to Illinois. – Mudbone! – That’s right. That’s my name. That’s my game. I went on– Shit, where’s the mike? Here. Well, they move that shit everywhere. You can’t reach it. Shit. Had to go behind my back. Shit, I’m a little old. I ain’t spry as I used to be. I can still kick a little ass now and then. I left here– me and my partner Ray… Sweet Chocolate Brown. Do you know Sweet Chocolate? Boy, that was a pretty man. One of them brown-skin boys. Had that smooth skin. He sweated, looked like a Hershey bar. That’s right. Girls come up, lick him on the hand. And he smile. He had one of them teeth, gold teeth with a diamond in it. He’d smile and then he’d put that smile on you, that was your ass, see. Lord, he had so many womens. He tried to give me some… but I didn’t fuck with them womens, you know. I don’t mess with ’em. I had about four womens in my life. That’s right, ’cause they drain ya. They do. They fuck all the time. That’s right. If you fuck one of them good, you in trouble. ‘Cause she gonna tell her friend. She gonna want some. That’s right. And you fuck her, she gonna tell somebody. And the next thing you know, you got to fuck eight or nine times. Then they leave you sapped. You’ll just be laying there all dried up. They don’t give a shit about that. Give you a pot of soup, go on about their business. So, me, Chocolate, Bob T., we all left from down there. Went to California. We had a good time out there too. We was out there for a long time. Do you know what? When I first got out to California– Where you boys going? No, no, no, thank you. I’m fine. I’m– I’m all right. I don’t know what you gonna put in it. Be out there, liable to put your dick in it or somethin’. No, that’s all right. Go ahead. Have fun. I remember when womens used to go to the bathroom together. When we first– When I got out– That’s something, you know that? The world done changed, ain’t it? Mens is womens, womens is mens. I talked to a woman. I went in a little truck stop restaurant and asked… ”Got some coffee and shit?” And she talked to me. Shit, she sound like an opera star. Big voice, you know. ”What you want?” Shit! You know, hair all on her legs and arms. Scared the shit out of me, you know. I don’t want none of these. One of them doughnuts. Let me get my ass on. Other day, man, a little boy come down through here… had one of them little hats on all cocked, all sideways. He had a shoe untied, them tennis shoes on, you know. I said, ”Boy, tie your shoe.” The little boy told me to go fuck myself. Just about this tall. ”Go fuck yourself.” Said, ”I hope you fall on your ugly-ass face.” I seen boys now that cuss their mamas and stuff in public. That’s right. The woman stand around, look all silly. You know, I told her, I said, ”Bitch, that’s your fault. That’s right. You the one let him do that shit. Go put his ass out two or three weeks. I bet he come home, he talk right then. Them miss-meal cramps, that motherfucker get real polite. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ and ‘No, sir.’ That’s what he say when he come back.” Shit. Hard times. We had hard times out there in California… ’cause there wasn’t but three or four black families when I went out there. That’s right. There wasn’t. About four– twenty white people. That’s right, and nine or ten of them Japanese… and whatever they was, mixed-up people. They was out there. Nice peoples too. You know, they’re out there, minding their business. Twelve-thousand Mexicans. I’m not lyin’. Mexican people used to own all of this shit west of Chicago. There wasn’t nothin’ but Mexican people. That’s all there was. That was all theirs. Fucked around, negotiated with white folks, lost all that shit. a thousand Mexican ass. Now, that’s what kind of army they had. kicked 2,000 people in the ass. Now, that’s somethin’. Mexicans didn’t wanna fight about nothin’. No, they was good people. They just trusted too much. That’s how they get fucked up, you see. When you own the property, they should’ve kept their mouth shut… and said, ”This is mine. I don’t wanna deal nothin’. Fuck you. Keep your shit.” Well, I had a Mexican friend, the nameJesus. He was a good friend of mine. We used to hablo espanol. That’s right. He went to jail with me. We went– We did time together out there in Los Angeles County. That’s right. It was a hell of a time, boy. You ever heard of lice? We was in jail, them little bugs like that. You know what I mean? They get on you in your sleep and they eat you up alive. They make you just scratch your damn near– I’ll tell you something. You ever had them crabs? You ever heard of’em? It’s a little teeny bug. They like pubics. They get in your pubics. And it’s hot like this, they drive you crazy. They’ll make you scratch in public. I’m not lyin’. You be walking down the street like this… and that heat and them crabs start moving back and forth like that. They’ll make you get down in there. I damn near pulled my nuts off one time, man! They were down in there so– But you have to put that blue ointment and shit on ’em. I don’t know what it does to ’em, but they don’t move for a while. You put that on there and then they cool down. Make ’em drunk or somethin’. I don’t know. I remember one time we was out of ointment… and Jesus gave me some of his cologne. I don’t know, mister, if you ever done this or not… but don’t ever put no cologne on your nuts. ‘Cause I didn’t know. I took two big handfuls of this cologne… and I hit it on my nuts all under here like this. Well, it was cool at first. It felt real soothing. Pretty soon it come next the burning and shit. And I was fannin’ them. Crabs was movin’ every which way. I said, ”Oh, Lordy, Lordy, please!” I said, ”Chocolate, help me. My nuts are on fire!” I said, ”Blow on it, Chocolate! Blow on it! They’re gonna burn up!” Chocolate said, ”They be burned to hell if I got to blow ’em.” Then Jesus come around. He was smoking a cigarette. And he got real close, and I guess them fumes– Somethin’ happened… ’cause a big fire went– foom– like that. And jumped up, and I was back like this. I’m trying to put that shit out. Them crabs went crazy then. They just jumped every which way. I ran and sat on the toilet. And damn Jesus, he flushed the toilet! My balls was hanging down there in the toilet. And that water was pullin’ them too, real hard. I said, ”Goddamn,Jesus, help me out of here.” Just as I got my nuts off, a goddamn earthquake. I’m standing there, ”Help! Burned-up nuts is hurtin’!” Oh! The damnedest time I ever had, man. Yeah, I ain’t going back there no more. I left there. I had fun, but I left there. Had a nice lady friend. She was good to me. We never did no sex or nothin’ ’cause she had a ”rectomy.” You know. That’s where they scrape the pussy out… and just leave the box that it came in. Me and her got along real good, you know. – That’s Mudbone. – I love you, Richard! Y-You love me? Shit, I love you too. It’s easy to love somebody. That’s all you got to do. Sit with ’em a little while. Talk to ’em. Most people you talk to, they’s intelligent. Most people, as I said. Thank you, Mudbone. Drink some of this water, I hope. They say your water is bad. Good. Just checking. I thought they was joking. I ain’t gonna take no chances… ’cause I don’t wanna have the shits in the middle of the night,Jack. Ain’t nothin’ worse when you got to shit and can’t sleep too. That’s miserable than a mother– You lay down, get a good– ”Hold it!” ‘Cause you can’t fuck or nothin’ when you gotta go to the bathroom, right? ”Say, baby– Oh, hold it!Just a minute. Hold the pussy right there. Just a minute. I’ll be right back. Hold it.” I haven’t done any drugs now. It’s been seven months. I haven’t done any drugs now. It’s been seven months. All right! And that’s a lot for me, you know, ’cause I done– I think I done drugs since I was like 1 4. You know what I mean? Off and on. But when I was about 1 9, I started doing it real heavy, right? And this is the first time, I think, in my life I feel like this… being sober and then being off drugs too. It’s a real strange feeling. And I get scared when I’m out here sometime. I get real nervous about it, I wanna fuckin’ run, you know? I look out there– ”Shit! It’s scary!” And I say, ”Fuck it. Go through it. Just feel the experience. Go through it and just fuck it.” ‘Cause if I had some drugs and shit now, I wouldn’t give a fuck. But I wouldn’t– I’d come off stage, I’d still wouldn’t give a fuck. Then by the time you’re 50, a lot of no givin’ a fuck… you miss part of your life. ”So what happened to your life?” ”I didn’t give a fuck.” But I had some fun. But I had some fun. It just was strange, like the people you meet… that remember shit you did when you used to get fucked up… and you don’t wanna remember. But they know the shit real well. ”Richard! Don’t you remember me? We was fucked up together,Jack. We was walking down the street, right… and you stuck your arm up that elephant’s ass. Don’t you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up around your arm… went walking down the street with you. You was swinging back and forth like that. You looked like a turd with a hat on. Don’t you remember that?” And you meet women that you’ve been with… and you meet ’em, you see ’em, you go, ”What? I was not with this motherfucker.” ”You remember me? You said I was so beautiful. We made love for 1 4 hours.” And you’d be saying to yourself, ”Oh, shit.” ”I’m going to have a baby.” ”Not if I can help it, motherfucker.” I’d be right to the abortionist. ”Please. ”Doc, there’s me and there’s this lady, and both of us is ugly. Please don’t let us have a child. Please don’t.” What is that, sir? Oh, don’t snatch it. Wait a minute. Hold it. I know he’s white. Give him a break. Oh, what is that? What is that called, sir? Oh, shit! Oh, it’s a crab. Uh, what is it called? A crab? And it’s a drink? Oh, well, thanks a lot. Next time that motherfucker come up here… beat the shit out of his ass. Well, this crab, man, he ain’t gonna do nothin’ but die. – You know, well, shit. – Attaboy, Rich! Let’s listen to the crab. ”Why are you fucking with me?” What? ”I wanna know why you’re fucking with me. I was in the ocean just crawlin’ along and some asshole grabbed me. I’m trying to find my way back to the ocean.” No, no, sir. See, you’re here on stage. ”Oh, shit, on stage? Let me get back in the shell.” Come on out. ”Yeah, okay.” ”You know I got kinda drunk in that glass. Just a minute. Where in the fuck am I? Oh, boy. I thought this was another woman. It’s just a brown chair. Holy shit! Hey, the world is round. Whoopsy-daisy. Holy shit! Good thing you caught me, pal. You ever had crab piss on you?” I’m gonna put you back in the jar. ”That’s a good idea, asshole. And put some water on me too, schmuck.” I’m gonna get him some– Can we put this in something? Well, here’s some water. Do they live in water? Not in– Y’all wouldn’t even put a crab in your own water. ”Please. Don’t put no crab in the water.” Where’s someplace where there’s some water? I mean, that’s not– I’m gonna take this motherfucker to the bay or somethin’. Put him back in. No, give him a chance. He gonna live. We gonna save this one. Can we put him in somethin’, man? Please? We gonna save him. ‘Cause this motherfucker did a show. He’s gonna get off. Send him back. Here. No, I’m gonna keep this rubber duck. This I wanna talk about here. This is– This is intelligence. What? What, motherfucker? Well, I should’ve let the black man do his job. Oh, now, what– A racing crab? A racing crab. Oh, the thing is up. I like the way you talk though. I don’t give a fuck. You all talk cool. I don’t give a fuck. ”It’s a racing crab here.” This will go on– I will scare a bitch to death with this one. Come out and say, you go… ”Darling, are you ready?” ”Yes, Rich.” Ha ha ha! Well, I don’t want no more shit now. Thank you very much, sir. He gave me the rubber thing and, I don’t know, this– It’s a balloon. It’s a swan balloon. No, that’s really nice, yeah. That’s real clever. Real intelligent. Really, really. Come on. Come on out. Come here. Let the people see you, motherfucker. Come on, man. Thank you. Hey, Rich, how’s your daughter’s girlfriend? How’s my– How’s my what? Wait.Just take your time. Don’t get carried away now. This is not participation. A lot of shit happened in your life you don’t–just don’t remember. I guess I should have learned from people that I knew… that would get fucked up when I was little. I didn’t think that they were on dope or nothin’. I thought they were cool. ‘Cause I had friends like– I had a friend, Motif. The motherfucker, he just sounded so cool. Anything– He took his time to answer. You talk to him, you go, ”Hi, Motif.” He go… ”What’s happening?” I was young. I thought that was cool. Me and my friends would go around and talk to him. ”Say something to Motif. Go ahead. Say something. Come on.” Hey, Motif!. Watch, man. Motif was cool,Jack. I didn’t know he had shot his brains out. But he liked to talk to me sometime, you know. It was real nice, you know. I’d see him around. Hey, Rich! Hey, man, come here. Come here. Dig this. Look, uh, you do me a favor. Now don’t be bullshittin’ now and do somethin’ for me. I want you to take these watches in the bag back here. You take these– Just some watches, motherfucker. Take these watches down the street for me. No, I can’t carry ’em ’cause the police are looking for me. No, I ain’t stole ’em, no. I ain’t no stealer, goddamn it. I wouldn’t be givin’ them to you. Shit. They’re watches, man. Five for a dollar. No, they good. What kind of shit you think? Yeah, they’re good. Check this one. Check this one. This is one of the bad ones, but– I got us some good ones and shit, man. It’s there. So you carry ’em for me? What you mean? No, they not looking for me. You know who they looking for, man? They’re looking for my brother Bobby. No, ’cause the bitch up the street talkin’ about I broke in her house. She said I broke in there and stole some of her shit. I didn’t do it ’cause I told her, you know. I said, ”Look, I want your shit, I just come in here and take it.” You know, I ain’t got to break in. I’m bold. You know, I walk in the door. You know, yeah, but then Bobby do that shit, right? Do you see Bobby? Bobby was with them two white dudes… and they popped that liquor store. Yeah, Bobby. And you know Bobby like to be hanging with them motherfuckers. He’s crazy. I seen him. I was with him, man. We wandered in the liquor store. Bobby bad. He put his pistol on the counter, stepped back. The motherfucker bad. He say, ”I want the money. See that pistol, motherfucker? Beat me to that.” Man, I told the man, ”Don’t move, mister. He got another one.” Shit. And Bobby, he crazy, man. He threw the other one on the counter and say… ”Beat me to either one of’em.” See, that’s the way his mind be poppin’, man. But he be fucked up, right? You know, see, he be going– They gonna send him to jail. Then they’ll send me along just on G.P. I told him, I said, ”Bobby, I ain’t going to jail for nobody.” You dig? Shit. I done told on too many people up there. They get me back up there,Jack, I’d be pussy nine years. Shit, yeah, I told on the motherfucker. I ain’t goin’. Shit. It was easy too. Mother say, ”Wasn’t that hard?” Fuck it. Shit. Him or me. Motherfucker talkin’ about five years? Shit, I’ll just tell on any motherfucker I know. I ain’t gonna be able to get no shit for five years? I start naming off names like a motherfucker,Jack. Alphabetical order too. Shit, yeah, they like to be fuckin’ around. Hey, Les, where you been, motherfucker? What took you so long? We supposed to do business. Yeah, but you be fuckin’ around. Where you been, motherfucker? What you been up to? Where? You see Bobby? Yeah, what the fuck is the deal, man? No, ’cause the cops come over my house. Where was you guys? No, I didn’t do shit. Don’t be putting me in that shit, man. No, ’cause they gonna get Bobby ’cause that one honky is tough, man. I saw that motherfucker, boy. He jumped down in the pool hall. He whupped three or four motherfuckers. So I know you ain’t gonna be fucking with him. You– Take the baseball bat,Jack. Bust his motherfuckin’ head. You ain’t got to take that shit. Let me tie this motherfucker off. Tie it up there. Shit. There it is. Shit. I had it here yesterday. Shit. Shit. There it is, motherfucker. Now, partner. Oh, yeah. In the vein, motherfucker. What are you– What, is you high? Well, why you wait to get off and then you gonna come in and jab it on me, man? There you go. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah, let it ride. Shit. Yeah, shit. Man. Baby. This some shit there, man. That’s– Shit. That mother– Hey, man, this shit was– Shit. D-Did you– Motherfucker. I got the crabs. Shit. No, I ain’t got no motherfuckin’– What? The critter? Look at– Look at this motherfucker, man. Look. Listen. Look, look. I can’t get over there. Listen. Motherfuckin’ thing. Look at them motherfuckers, man. Now, that’s– that’s– that’s life. That’s into the realm of life. Dig? See how he was in life? Then he fucked around and wasn’t in it no more. He fell off, man. You– You can do that. You can– You couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that, but he could. This is relating. You got to relate to life… to the– to the utmost. Sit down, my nig! Hey, man! Why don’t you stop jerking with me, motherfucker? Man, I’m over here doing my little business. I’m cool, but I ain’t fuckin’ with you. You– You come– You came by here yesterday with that same old shit. You be jaw-jackin’. Yeah, I know. I know you cool. I know about all you got your shit… but, man, I’m Superman. Yeah, dude. As long as you don’t hit me in the vein, motherfucker, I’m all right. Yeah, you have to kill me two or three weeks. Shit. Wait a minute. What the fuck you gonna do? What you sayin’? Ah, man, bullshittin’. Junkie serenade or somethin’? That’s right. I’m– Dig this. Check the logic. Check the logic. I went downtown, right? Now, this is me, right? I’m gonna try to get the job… the motherfucker tell me I can’t have the job… but I can take a application. Are you ready for that? I say, ”Well, what’s the logic? What is the logical conclusion of the logic of it?” I just wanted to know. I figure it was something wrong with the logic. Yeah. Motherfucker tell me I ain’t dependable. Shit. Say, baby, I got a $200-a-day habit. I ain’t missed a payment. Shit. Is that dependable? Shit, what is? I say, hey, you know what I would like to have? The job as the town junkie. Right? ‘Cause I could stand around the corner… I could get fucked up for the tourists. They– You know? Shit, that’s work. ‘Cause I like to get fucked up. And we’d both be doing each other a favor… ’cause the motherfucker keep trying to rehabilitate me. Methadone. Shit, I got hooked on that in two weeks. You ever fuck with that methadone, man? That shit– Shit’ll send you off. You’ll be talking about you going to hell. Shit, I’ve been there. I had so much fun, they kicked me out that motherfucker. Shit. I know I ain’t going to heaven. Shit. I’m just going. That’s right. I’m gonna do it in my own time. Just go. I don’t have to do nothing. Right? Motherfucker change. Feel sorry for me? Shit. I did it to myself. Yeah. Fuck it. If I come back, I hope you motherfuckers have this shit right… ’cause you done fucked it up this time. That– You just– You weren’t sensitive, you motherfuckers. You weren’t sensitive. You just– Well, you just didn’t like a motherfucker sensitive, man. You run over people. You put ’em– You put ’em in a position that they can’t do nothing in it… then when they can’t, you all say, ”See?” That– That wasn’t right. That wasn’t right. That’s the same. That ain’t right. I know it ain’t right, and I tell the motherfucker about it… and they tell me I’m crazy. I know the shit is foul… with a capital ”foul.” I wish you the best. I– Thank you. I– Thank you. – Means, uh– – Tell ’em, Rich! I just– Thank you very much. Thank you. You know, I just was thinking now that I’ve been off drugs… I wanted to relate something to you. I can remember when I was just off drugs for a little while. Yeah, I am. You don’t believe it. I know a lot of people don’t, and I don’t give a fuck… but I remember when I was– Yeah, ’cause I meet people since I stopped doing drugs… I found out there’s more motherfuckers doing drugs. I mean, doctors and shit. Old ladies. ”Give me that blue one. And give me another red one, please.” Right? They call it an epidemic now. That means white folks are doing it. ‘Cause you all used to drive through our neighborhoods and shit… and go, ”Oh, look at that. Isn’t that terrible?” And then you’d get home and your You’d go, ”Oh, my God! It’s an epidemic!” Maybe next time you see black people in trouble, you’ll help. Maybe. Right? But when I stopped, I noticed something real strange, man. I noticed about the fourth month… that my dick was smaller than I thought. No, I did, ’cause I knew I had 1 4, 1 5 inches. And I was in the bathroom one day, taking a piss. I said, ”Hey! What happened to my dick? Hey, I’ve been robbed! Somebody stole my dick, left me with this little child’s pee-wee!” And women go, ”Do men have dick hang-ups?” Shit. You don’t think they do. Like if you’re with a guy and you plan on– First date, right? You might give him a shot tonight. You wait till you get home and he gets undressed and then give him that look. You know, that look you women have when you go– You talk about a motherfucker getting dressed fast, right? ”Well, gee, it was all right when I left home.” I remember when I was 20, my dick was hard all the time. It’d wake up at attention. I’d be– ”Rich, are we going out on patrol today?” I mean, some mornings, it would wake me up. You know, I’d be sleeping, hit me on the chest– ”Rich! Rich, wake up. I gotta go to the bathroom.” You know? And it would lead me to the bathroom. I’d be– Over there. Right into the dock. Yeah! And it’d piss hard. You’d be going– Half an hour. Go back to bed,Jack. Now some mornings I wake up, I wonder whose dick it is,Jack. Hey, speak to me! ”Huh? What? What is it, Rich, we on fire again? What? What? Hey.” And I’d be kinda scared about today, man… ’cause women, we’re lucky they fuck us ’cause they got them machines. You ever seen ’em? They got numbers on ’em. Plug them boys in. And you be standing there with just a dick, right? ”Tell me when it’s my turn, will ya?” ”Uh, that’s all right. Thank you. Never mind. I’ll come back tomorrow.” Women know they got the pussy, man. They know we like it too. They know it. I mean, they know. The bottom line: Women know. I got the pussy And it’s good ‘Cause there ain’t no such thing as bad pussy, right? If there are ladies here tonight think they got a bad pussy… I’d like to see you after the show. I’d like to give a second opinion. I’d sure want some water, but I don’t wanna drink none of that shit now. You got me scared. Spring water? Rainwater? What is this little bug in it? – Thank you. What’s your name? – Luanne. Luanne, take your ass back to your seat. Thank you. Thank you, Luanne, very much. You’re just– That’s a very kind thing to do. I can’t get this little motherfuckin’ thing out. See, I’m very crazy about shit. When shit in somethin’, I like to go, ”Hey.” Thank you, Luanne, very much. No! Don’t! Thank you, Luanne. That’s– – Can I get a kiss? – No, baby. You might have herpes. I don’t wanna be fucking around. No, sirree, Bob. Now they got that herpes and shit going around. That makes me be very careful,Jack. I wanna examine the pussy real good now. Don’t women do that? If you gonna have a one-night stand, don’t you be very cautious? It’s like, ”Put the dick right here in my hand.” Right? Get that jeweler’s glass out and, ”Just a minute.” ‘Cause they got some shit out there, make your dick look like a foot. For a long time. I’m not lyin’. You look down, look like a little baby’s foot hanging there… walking up your leg and shit. No, you gotta be very careful. That’s why I– I go to public toilets, man, I’d be watching them motherfuckers… because I know some shit in there waiting on me. I’d be real careful. One thing about a public toilet is if somebody recognize my ass. You know, ’cause you could go in the toilet all your life– You go in the toilet and take a shit and nobody say nothin’. They may make a face when you leave, right? But they see me, they start talkin’, ”Richard Pryor! That was you in there shittin’? Man, you don’t never need to shit in public. Hey, everybody, come here. Richard Pryor is in here shittin’!” And they got them– You ever go into them urinals? Ladies probably never seen this. It’s got them big urinals and shit. And the men go in there and stand right up in the urinal… like they hidin’ their shit or somethin’. They’d be right up in there like– And look each other in the eye. That’s the way men look each other in the eye ’cause you don’t look down. You look down– ”What you looking at?” Only trouble I have in there, people wanna meet me. Be pissing, talking about, ”Richard Pryor! Oh, shit, I’m sorry, man. Here, shake my hand.” Fuck you! Everybody be standing up like this and be cool,Jack,just lookin’ in the eye. Then some big dick motherfucker come in, right? Stand way back here. ”What’s happening, fellas? You wanna stand to the left? I’m gonna shake it to the left, pal. You better move over.” Good night. I love you. Read more:


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!