AMY SCHUMER: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2015) – Full Transcript

Emmy®-winner Amy Schumer gets personal in her first HBO stand-up special, directed by Chris Rock and taped at New York's iconic Apollo Theater

My name is Amy, and it’s my show! ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Man, I been did that ♪ ♪ Man, I been popped off ♪ ♪ And if she ain’t trying to give it ♪ ♪ Then she get dropped off ♪ ♪ Let me bust that U-ie ♪ ♪ Bitch bust that open ♪ ♪ Might spend a couple thou’ ♪ ♪ Just to bust that open ♪ You know her from her hit TV show. You loved her in the movie “Trainwreck.” Harlem, it’s time to give it up for the one and only Amy Schumer! ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ Get up! Get the fuck up, Apollo! Come on! Thank you! Please, sit, I– I would never ask you to stand. I can’t believe you all stood… of your own volition, thank you. That’s never happened. Thank you so much for being here.

This has been an insane year for me. I started out– I made two New Year’s resolutions. I, uh… Number one, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And number two was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it. Now… Same? Same? No? You’re kind of like, “No, no.” So you find a pair of underwear on the floor and you’re like, “How do I know if I wore it?” Please, you know. You know. She knows. I’m like, “Oh, cool they filmed “‘Charlotte’s Web’ in my underwear, wow. ‘Salutations’? Okay.” I don’t know why the guys look grossed out. Your underwear looks like a coal miner wiped their brow… at the end of a shift, a long shift. So my name is Amy, and I’m at the Apollo. Um… Right? You guys all look like you’re from this neighborhood. So… Here’s how I wound up here. Okay? Let me just catch you up. My two front teeth didn’t fall out until I was in fifth grade. Which is late. And that same week, I got my period. Which is early! So I was just like this jack-o’-lantern with tits walking around, like… Trick or treat. I was like Pinocchio transitioning to a donkey. I was like, “Hee-haw!” And I had one of those really cool moms who told me, “You don’t need to shave above your knee, just… here down.” So here up, I was just a werewolf, just… Mr. Tumnus here to here. Benicio Del Toro… beneath my torso.

I’m so happy to be filming my special here in New York. I grew up here, I was born here, um, did my first everything here, um, still no anal… But I just love New York, ’cause it’s a town where I can get laid. Like, I can catch a “D” here kinda whenevs, yeah. And, uh, I was in LA for a little while, and, um… can’t, can’t there. Uh… Just in case you’ve never been to LA, it is, um, filled with the most beautiful people from all over the world. So, picture the most beautiful girl in your high school, like the one that you wanted to be. Okay? I’m talking to the guys right now. And everybody was like, “You’re too pretty for Buffalo, Brittany, go to LA. Go.” Everyone is hot there. Everybody, okay. I saw a guy, he was cleaning up a Pizza Hut bathroom. I would have paid this guy to fuck me. I would have paid him good money. I don’t– People don’t even see me there. Like, I just– They’re just like, “Is that a fat tumbleweed? Like, what’s…” My body type there, they’re like– My arms register as legs there. They’re just… They’re like, “Is that an octopus? I don’t understand.” And my legs register as firewood. They’re just like… like, “Why is the BFG on Sunset?” Just… It got to the point– I was in LA, I was so excited. Somebody tweeted about another actress. They were like, “She looks like a fat Amy Schumer,” and I was like, “Yes!” “It’s not me!” It’s so insanely— Like, if I go on an audition in New York, it’s for, like, the cute girl you didn’t notice ’cause she was, like, wearing khakis or something. Like, “There can’t be a pussy under there, those are khakis.” How would that even work? But then in LA, I’ll be in a waiting room, they’re like, um, “Amy, it says here– “Are you reading for the girl getting gastric bypass? Is that correct?” “Amy, who did you– Did you play Gilbert Grape’s mom? I can’t place you.” I’m like, “No.” They’re like, “Okay, well, you didn’t get the part. “But do you want us to put a hose on you, keep you moist, so we can return you to the sea, Blackfish?”

It’s fucked up. And that’s not how it is for the dudes at all, okay? Like, I just happened to see the movie Zookeeper. Did you ever see that movie? Okay, if you didn’t, don’t, all right? Don’t see that. But… So Zookeeper is about talking animals, okay? And the male romantic lead is… Kevin James. Um… Oh, my God, I know. Is it wet in here, ladies, or is it us? The real King James. And, uh… And Kevin James is dating a beautiful, blonde skeleton. And… And he’s sad because sometimes she’s mean to him. And then… the girl who is in love with him, who he doesn’t notice, who’s been there all along, waiting in the wings, is Rosario Dawson… arguably the most fuckable actress ever. Rosario Dawson is just, like, working at the zoo, just, like, sweeping up koala shit. Like, “Please fuck me, Kevin James.” “Why won’t Kevin James give me his dick?” And he’s like, “Ew, you’re wearing khakis, never.” Like, that movie’s about talking animals. There is a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed and breakfast. But that’s not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It’s Rosario pretending– She should get an Oscar for that fucking movie. Let’s see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl. Pretend like you’re dying to have Kevin James deep dick you. I… I dare you.

It’s fucked up in Hollywood. That’s why I– I wrote a movie last year and I, uh… Yeah, thank you. Thanks. I did it. And I went like that, and then send, and I’m a hero and, uh… But they were like, “We’re gonna make your movie.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, this is so great, ’cause I love money.” Um… So I wrote this movie and, uh, and I just assumed that they would cast, like, a beautiful model-y actress to play the lead role and, uh, you know, like a Blake Lively or like a… Sofía Vergara… Verge… Verchair… Vergina… and, uh, and then I’d be on set just as, like, a writer with, like, a messy bun and a laptop like, “Um, Miss Lively, the line’s actually ‘My pussy hurts.'” And… And she’d be like, “Why is there a garden gnome on set?” And, um… And I would just, like, stumble back to my sad office. But… they were like, “No, we want you to be in the movie.” And I was like, “Oh, my God. Me?” They were like, “Yes.” They were like, “We just need you to do three things. “One, just be yourself. “Two, have fun. And three, stop eating food.” And I was like, “Wait a minute! I’m sorry, don’t people need food to live?” They were like, “That’s a myth.” So, I was like, “Okay.” And they were like, “No. You promise?” I was like, “You guys… “like, I don’t even like food. “I was just eating it ’cause I was bored. “Like, ugh. Who wants to, like, chew and eat food all the time?” Me. I do. It turns out, I need food and, uh…

So they got me a trainer. And I’ve never had a trainer before, and this guy is the trainer. He’s like, trains all the Hemsworthses and, um… …like, Megan Fox and, like, an actual fox. Like, everything that you wanna fuck, this guy has gotten his mitts on, and, uh… And so, we’re meeting for the first time, and I can really picture him, like, it was like slow-mo. I saw him see me and wince. Like, “Ooh. Um…” He wasn’t used to this kind of cargo. So, he’s walking toward me and he’s smiling at me, like, trying to be brave like you would for, like, a burn victim. Like, he’s like… “I can see there’s a human under there somewhere.” And, uh… And like, I– I see him looking at me and I know he’s, like, assessing what’s up with me. So I’m trying to make muscles that, like, my body doesn’t even support. I’m just like… Like, I look like one of those inflatable things outside a car wash that are like… I’m like… And, uh… And so… he gives me this, um, this, like, questionnaire. He’s like, “Okay. How many drinks do you have in a week?” And I’m like– you know how you get just, like, just once in a while, you’re like, “What if I’m just honest for the fuck of it?” Like, “What if I just… What if I keep it real with this guy right now?” So, I’m like… “36.” “36.” And, uh… And he’s like, “No, alcohol.” And I’m like, “No, alcohol.” And… And, uh, he’s like, “All right, take me through what you eat in a day.” And he stops me at noon. Like, he had heard enough. He’s like, “I get it.” So… And then he’s like, “Okay, well, here’s your new diet, all right? “So for breakfast, you’ll have a smoothie. “And then for lunch, you’ll journal “about that smoothie. “And then, you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza.” And I’m like… I’m like, “Um, I kind of have to stop you here. “It’s sounding like at times I will be hungry. “Um… Did I miss a couple of courses in there? Uh…” And he had to explain to me, like, “No, sometimes people are hungry.” And I’m like, “Oh, my God. Well, where are they? Can we bring them food?” Like, “I’ve got some extra stuff in my apartment, like, not a lot– Actually, let’s just get them their own food.” Um… And, like, that’s the secret I found out. Like, that’s Hollywood’s secret. They don’t put food in their faces, and that’s not an option for me. Like, I don’t know how it was… how it was in your house growing up, but in our– in my house, it was, like, you would eat till you were in a lot of pain… then you’d take, like, a little breather… and you get yourself back in even more pain, right? Like, I was born weighing 150. Like, I just came out swinging. Like, “Give me linguine, Ma!” That’s how it’s been. Like, I have never in my life– I’ve never said this sentence in my life– I’ve never said, “Oh, my God. I forgot to have lunch today.” Like, never in my life. If anything, I’ve been like, “Oh, shit. I had two lunches today… that lunch and that other lunch.” Um… So I was like, “I don’t think I can do this not eating thing. “What if I… just develop an eating disorder? Like, I’m a white girl. I can do it, you know?” So, I, uh, I made a decision. I was like, “I’m gonna get a late-in-life eating disorder.” And… So I binged regularly, and, uh… and then I was like, “Here we go. First day pukin’.” And… and my body was like, “No, bitch. No, we keep our food here.” It turns out that’s not available to everybody. What was available to me was popping all the blood vessels in my left eye. So… Not only… was I super bloated, but then I had this weird, dead lizard eye. People thought I was an oracle. They were like… asking about their future. And I was like, “I’m just hungry. “I don’t know. I don’t know about your future.” So I… Even from just not drinking, I did, I lost like ten pounds. And this trainer acted like he taught Helen Keller how to read. He was like, “There she is. There’s my girl.” So I showed up to film this movie and I was like, “I think I’m a model now.” Like, ten– I was seriously– I think a lot of girls are like this. I– We have like a sneaking suspicion, like, in the back of our heads, like, “Am I maybe gorgeous?” “I think I’m gorgeous.” Right? I’m gorgeous, but I just haven’t stumbled on the right hairdo, you know? But one day, on a whim I’ll just, like, cut bangs and everybody will be like, “Damn!” And I’ll be like, “Oh, my God, like, treat me the same, you guys.” “I’m the same person under here.” And they’re like, “We can’t, we’re too hard,” and I’m like, “I get it.” But then… But then my stunt double was a guy. Um… I– I thought I was so cool that I had a stunt double. I was just like– I walked into set like, “Where is she?” and they were like, “That’s Troy.” And he was dipping and had a beard. I was like, “That’s me?” They were like, “That’s you!” Totally tried to have sex with him.

Um… I’ll admit that to you fine people. I learned, and I should have already known this because I’ve been on the road doing stand up for 11 years, and– Thank you. Now I get to be here. And I– This is gonna make some of you gasp. I have never gotten laid after a show, okay? I know, but that is the truth. Male stand-ups– puss as far as the eye can see, okay? And female comics– it is not that way. What I’m saying is I’m not in this for the dick, okay? ‘Cause it– I mean, I would be if it had led to that, but that’s not what happens. The stunt guy, it’s not my fault I tried to fuck him. He was very hot. I’m hot as a guy, it turns out, and… He was from South Africa, and I’m just, like, such a sucker for an accent, you know? Like, an English guy or, like, a deaf guy? Mmm. Mmm! That was a test to see if you were bad people… which you are. Um… I do feel bad about that. My mom’s a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and she’s gonna hear that, but they won’t. So…

Cheers, you guys, thanks for coming out. I know that, um, some of you are here by accident and I’m sorry. Uh… The Apollo is a beautiful theater with subscribers, so some of you thought you were seeing “Godspell” tonight, but… Like, I have no information. I have no… I don’t know what’s going on in the news, ever, like, at all. My friends do. They’re very smart and they’re up to date, and, like, I try to chime in. Like, they were all very upset about Ferguson, and I was like, “I know, I can’t believe he left the show. “Um… I don’t know about this new guy. What do you guys think?” And they were like… I kept telling people I was gonna do an ISIS bucket challenge. Like, I… I’m doing the UTI challenge right now. Can you… Thank you. Thank you. A UTI, in case you don’t know, it is not a college online. It is… a urinary tract infection, and, um, I just got my first UTI at 33. Woman: What?! Yes– I made it this far. I know, unbelievable, right? 33, first– And nobody tells you how embarrassing it’s gonna be ’cause no one’s like, “How’d you get it?” Like, you know how I got it. I had sex… and then I was too lazy to pee right after. I chose to lay there, like a cum dumpster, just… Just a receptacle. Was I savoring the moment? What was I doing? And I didn’t want to use condoms, ’cause I’m like, “What if I’m allergic?” Like, I don’t want to risk, you know? A UTI, it’s so embarrassing, and then everyone’s like, “Just drink cranberry juice,” and that doesn’t work at all. And if you order it, everybody knows what’s up. You’re, like, at a steakhouse… “Yeah, the fillet and, uh… Can I have a cranberry juice? Um…” The waitress is like, “You want a cranberry juice?” You’re like, “Yep, yep.” She’s like, “Why?” “‘Cause I love it.” “No, you’re disgusting.” I got it.

I was sleeping with a guy who’s my friend. Having– Like, friends having sex, there’s a real sadness to that. Like, I don’t know if you’ve experienced it, when, like, two friends are like, “We could stomach fucking each other. We should try that.” Just, like, hurl your bodies at each other and… and you’re just, like, thinking about it the whole time, like, “Ugh, I can’t believe Luke’s eating my pussy right now, like…” “That’s fucking–” And Luke’s thinking, “I’m eating Schumer’s pussy right now?” Like, it’s bad. It’s all bad. It’s really sad. And then… And then, you know, and he was like, really worried about getting me pregnant. And I’m like, “I was born wearing the NuvaRing, like, I came out ringed up.” And, uh… And also, I’m like, “Guess what, Luke? “If I got pregnant with your baby, “I would ignore all red lights on the way to Planned Parenthood.” Just… It would look like “Snowpiercer” out my window, just… It’s always the guys you would never have a kid with that’s like. Like, “I’m not trying to get your seed, thank you. Thank you, though.”

Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in the news. I read about the, um, when the celebrities’ photos got hacked. I read that. Did you guys look at their beautiful little pussies? I’m the only one, really? I looked at every little pussy I could find. I wanted to see if they were, like, magical and, like, almond-sized. Not that mine isn’t. I mean, you guys, I didn’t know you’d be sitting this close. Like, it’s very small, right? It’s a– I have a tiny— It’s like a Barbie. You can’t even find the hole. You’re like, “Is there a hole?” Tiny. Even in a light days tampon, I walk around, like, “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… Ooh! Mmm!” No, if I, like, sneeze, that would fall out of me. I, um… At the drugstore, I’m like, “Do you guys have any futons I could maybe borrow?” No. It’s normal. I think my pussy’s good. Like, people always come back, you know? I’ve got a good… good return rate. Like, I’d know by now if it was, like, jacked up. I, uh… I don’t know, though.
I’ve never really looked at my pussy, like… but it got into my head. “Amy, what does your pussy look like?” Um, probably like the mouth of, like, an old lounge singer, there’s, like, a cigarette hanging out of it, just… She’s like doing the Charleston and scatting. She’s like… She calls everybody honey. Just– I’m guessing. I don’t know. It’s a guess. They’re all beautiful, they’re all equally beautiful, I believe, but… The reason I don’t know what my pussy looks like is because women never look at their vaginas. Like, men, you look down, you’re like, “Oh, there’s my dick.” Well, like, hopefully. Um… But, girls, you would need, like, a hand mirror and to do some, like, “Cirque du Soleil” type… Like, it’s hard to find. And then the only time you see it is if you get a bikini wax. And they wax you and then they show it to you, and there is no faster response time in the world. You’re just like, “Yep, that looks great!” “I see it. Yeah, that’s great.” It’s like identifying a body. You’re like, “That’s her! Yeah, definitely her. Thank you.” Right? I don’t know any girl that’s like… “Hmm… Maybe a little more off the top.” No one… No one does that.

I got a massage recently. I hurt my neck doing something that’s my business and, um… I know, that’s supposed to sound like I was, like, giving a blowjob, but I was honestly opening a jar of salsa con queso. I was like… And, um… So that I could suck it off of a cab driver’s dick and, uh… Never. – Uber, yes. – Uber… But, um… That’s me in an Uber. Mmm… mmm. So, my neck hurt, and I looked at this website, and it had music and it looked like a nice spa, and I realized– realized a little late in the game that it was a rub and tug. Now, it is fully my fault. Like, all the signs were there. This is– It’s on me. I’m taking responsibility. Like, I had to be buzzed in. Um… I don’t know a spa that’s like, “Who’s there?” Like, they usually let you come and go at your “leis,” and, uh… There were gold bars on the windows. I was like, “Ooh, exclusive.” And, uh… I swear, I got in there and they were like, “Are you law enforcement?” And I was like, “No, but I have been working out more, thank you.” Uh… And then the girl who came to get me, she was leading the guy before me out by the small of his back, which is body language for, “That’s okay you came on my foot. That’s okay.” And, uh… And then she walked me back to the room like she was walking me through, like, a fun frat party. She like– she’s like, “Come on!” She’s like, “Woo!” And I’m like, “Okay.” And then we get in there and that’s when I knew, because it was just two– It was just a steel table, like– like you’d examine people on in “Lost…” and towels, like, hardened towels. You know the color. And… and there was no face cradle ’cause no one had ever laid facedown before. So, uh, I still laid facedown. I was like, “Fuck this, I am not finding out what they do to girls here.” So I just put my head over the edge. And I was really trying to keep things on the up-and-up. I’m like, “It’s just my neck, girl, like, just my neck.” And she’s all upper thigh. She’s like, “Is this your neck?” I’m like, “You know that’s not my neck.” And then I just kind of accept it into my heart. I was like, “Amy, you know you’re getting a thumb right in the butthole. “Just accept it. Embrace it. “This is God’s plan for you, Amy. “♪ Let it go ♪ ♪ Let it go ♪” And then, she didn’t do it and I was fucking furious. Just… What about my butthole? I, uh… I– I would have let her go down on me, I bet. Like…

I would let anyone go down on me, actually. Um… you ever think about that? Like, sometimes I’ll see people on the street, I’m like, “How bad would it get before I said no?” Like, when would I… I see kinda, like, a hot, like, newly homeless dude. Like, I mean, week one, doesn’t even have a sign or a dog yet, you know, just, like… just got out there. “Yes,” I thought. “Yes, that’s fine.” Some family members… like a cousin. Like… Not like a cousin you grew up playing with, like just one that you see at funerals, like that kind of a distance. He could go down on me. Any girl, any girl. I mean, I could never go down on a girl, though. I couldn’t do it. If a pussy were ever in front of me and it was, like, go time, it would be like I was, like, trying to jump into Double Dutch. I would be like… “I can’t. You’re a beautiful girl. “I’m so sorry, I can’t. Thank you for braiding my hair.” Um… I’m, like, seriously winded from just, like, moving my body for two seconds. They’re like, “Oh, she’s gonna sweat again.”

I, uh, before I left LA, I– my agent got me courtside seats to a Laker game. And I don’t care about basketball, or any sport, at all. But courtside, I thought it would be free booze, and it’s not, it turns out. I’m like, “Do you have to be, like, the point guard to get a merlot? This is horrible.” But I go to the game and I was like, “This is a fancy event. Like, I want to bring it, I want to look great,” you know? And I did. I put on, like, blush, and like… that’s it, but, like… Like, so much blush, you know? Like, a lot of blush and… I was really kind of feeling myself, you know? I just walk in and I’m like, “Here I am. Like, feast your eyes,” and then the first person I saw was literally Kate Upton. And I was like, “Oh, I get it. “I’m not a real woman, I’m just harvesting organs for one.” So if Kate was ever like, “My liver feels weird,” I’d be like, “Well, here,” and then, like, bleed out. And she’d be like, “Do you have anything smaller?” And, uh… I don’t know why my, like, liver’s flopping around her hand. So I see Kate Upton and I knew, I knew she wanted to talk to me because beautiful girls love funny girls. They think we’re like clowns, you know? Like, I just knew. She’s gonna, like, poke me. Like, “Do your clown thing.” And I’m like, “I don’t want to.” But… And funny girls do not want anything to do with beautiful girls. And you guys are like, “Amy, but you’re both.” Oh, my God, thank you guys for all thinking that. All of you, every one of you, every single one of you, and all my ex-boyfriends. Oh, my God. Like, you can have it all. Um… I don’t like talking to really hot people. I’m very grossed out being around someone gorgeous. But my friend talked to her and he was like, “She was actually really funny,” and I was like, “Fuck you.” No way. There’s no way. We just have such low expectations for hot– for hot people to be anything. I’m like, “You were probably blown away she wasn’t just sitting there playing with her tits and drooling Like… I’m like, “What did she say that was so funny?” And he was like, “Well, we were talking “about playing pool later and she was like, ‘Get ready to lose.'” I was like, “Oh, when’s her hour special coming out on HBO? What a great…” Fuck you. Wouldn’t that have gone so different if it were like just a normal-looking girl? She’s like, “Get ready to lose.” They would have been like, “Did you hear that cunt? Like, what a fucking…” But instead they were like, “Oh, my God, you should be Seinfeld.” Um… Ugh.

Attractive people have their own weird rules. They have hot people contests. Did you ever see a beauty pageant? Has anybody? Okay, here. I saw “Miss USA” this year. Here’s what happens, okay? These very tan… very hungry… cadavers… they walk back and forth… across the stage like they’re haunting it. Just… You’re like, “We see you.” They’re like, “No, you don’t.” And they make them wear a sash so they can remember where they’re from. And these girls, it’s the weirdest thing. Different outfits all night. Just… And they’re so nervous. And you’re like, “Why are they so nervous? Like, they’re just walking.” “Oh, this outfit. What is it?” But it’s because at the end of the night, they make them do this thing, it’s so fucked up. They dim the lights, and they change the music, and they make these poor girls answer one question. Just one. They’re just like– The hosts are very patient with them. They’re like, “Okay, look, ladies, “you knew this was coming. You’re gonna have to form a sentence.” And they can’t believe they have to– They’re all holding each other and weeping. Like, “No! Words!” And they can’t do it. And you know they’ve been coached. Like, just say “education” and get the fuck out of there. And they can’t. They can’t do it. The one who wins, the one they crown the winner is just the one that doesn’t, like, blurt out the N-word. They’re like, “You did it!” She’s like, “I did it! But I was thinking it!” They’re like, “Shh!” Like, “Oh! I wanna thank Michigan and…”

It’s insane. They all answer like that one person on “Family Feud” that just blows it, you know? I love “Family Feud,” first of all. Isn’t it the best? Everyone’s in the same shirt and they’re just like, “We’re the White family!” “And we’re the Black family!” And then… And then there’s always one person. It’s like a softball question, too. It’s like, “Favorite place to see a movie.” “Microwave!” And the family is like, “Good answer. Good answer.” But you know they’re thinking, “You’re not gonna be buried with the rest of us, okay?” I want them to do a “Where Are They Now?” with people who blew it on “Family Feud.” Like… just, like, ten years later. Forget about the plane ride home, which you know is horrible. It’s like Thanksgiving ten years from then and he’s like, “Can somebody pass the mashed potatoes?” They’re like, “Why don’t you look “in the microwave, Terry? You fucking idiot! Watch a movie while you’re in there!”

So anyway, I’m at this Laker game and, uh… Actually, I, um, I didn’t see “Miss America,” but I heard that the girl, like, had a really good response. They asked her, like, “How would you solve ISIS?” And, yeah, she had a good answer, but, like, why are you asking her that? Like, in the middle of her– Like they’re just gonna, like, chopper her to the Pentagon and be like… Obama’s gonna be like, “We like what we heard back there, we want to hear more.”

Like, why? The whole reason I got tickets to the game, um, he gave me these seats because he thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me… which I wasn’t. Like, I’m 33. I really appreciate that shit right now. I just… You know, when you’re in your 20s, if you walk past a construction site and they’re like, “Yeah,” you’re like, “How dare you! My secret bits!” But… In your 30s, you walk past and you’re like, “What about this, huh?” My skirt’s, like, over my head. I’m like… “Aah!” They’re like, “We’re eating.” I’m like… “Aah!” That shit changes. It does. Who here is in their 40s? What about 30s? 20s? Do you hear that hope? Remember? Do you remember 20s hope? Do you? I kinda do. You know, you just walk around like, “Everything’s gonna work out. Everybody’s always gonna want to fuck me!” And then you’re like, “Oh, cool. Cellulite on my hands and feet.” Um… In your 20s, you’re so corrupt with power, especially if you’re in love in your 20s. Remember 20s love? You’re just so arrogant. You’re like, “We’re so lucky we found each other. What are all these sad songs about?” I think of 20s love the same as the tsunami, because I read that in the tsunami, the tide was way in, so, fish were flopping around the shore and people were, like, psyched. They were gathering them with baskets. Like, “I can’t believe my luck. Look at all these fish!” That’s, like, 20s love. You’re like, “For me and me!” And then you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” And it murders you. But yeah. But enjoy it. Um… Enjoy it.

That’s why I’m so annoyed I’m single again. That means I’m gonna have to go out with a new dude and he’ll– We’ll go to the movies and he’ll be like, “Do you want to get a popcorn?” and I’ll be like, “Oh, my God, “I hadn’t even thought about it. “Um… that’s not the whole reason I wanted to come see this piece of shit movie.” I’ve left so many movies right after the previews ’cause I finished my popcorn. And then he’s like, “What size do you want?” and I’m like… “Small, look at me.” Meanwhile, a small popcorn, like, that’s like taking one Advil. Like, get the fuck out of here. It’s like taking six Xanax. Like, why are you wasting my time? Small popcorn. And then the cashier is like, “For $15, you can get one more handful,” and I’m like, “That sounds like a great deal. We’ll take it.” You sit in there and you’re supposed to act like you’re not thinking about the popcorn and you’re just watching the movie, like, “Oh, I forgot that we even had popcorn.” But really, I just want to, like, push his eyes in with my thumbs… and just dump the popcorn all over my face and head and just run out screaming, “You would have found out anyway, motherfucker!”

So I’m single. Um… I know, you guys are all thinking, like, “Amy, this is all great, but how do we date you?” Um, you can’t. And not just ’cause I’m not totally out of the woods with this UTI, but also… I am not on any dating sites. Like, the only app I have on my phone like that is Foodspotting, which is like Tinder but for food. So, it lets you know about foods in your area. Uh… Like the other day I was, like, eyeing up, like, this one scone and it was under a mile away, I was like, “Is this a coincidence? Like, I don’t–” It’s like, “Yes.” And then, uh… I’m like, “Should I go?” and my friends are like, “Go! Like, go! See!” and I’m like, “Okay.” So I went and I kind of, like, sidled up to the scone and it’s like, “Oh, my God, you look just like your picture. Do you want to come home with me?” Um… And I was, like, I was hungry, so I was putting a little butter on saltines… but then I kinda took a look at myself. I’m like, “Hold on, Amy. “Like, you’re not Martha Stewart, “just put the butter and the cracker in your mouth and they’ll find each other in there.” Who am I? I’m like the “Barefoot Contestant” or whatever. I’m like, “Uh!” Dirtying a knife.

So, I was dating someone for a little bit this year. I was dating an infectious disease doctor ’cause two birds. And… What do you want? And he wound up being a, like, an insane alcoholic and that’s my thing. Uh… I feel like in most relationships, there’s, like, one alcoholic, and then, like, one person who’s sad about it, and I wanted to be, like, the fun one. So, I called my mom, um, because nothing makes her happier than me being alone, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, will I be seeing you more?” Um… and I’m like, “Yes, Mom,” and she starts giving me advice. She’s like, “Am, you need to love like you’ve never been hurt,” and I’m like, “Are you reading off of a bumper sticker right now?” Like… she’s like, “Dance like no one’s watching.” Like, dance like a couple of people are watching. Right? Even if you’re alone, maybe hold it together. Cross the street like no cars– What? I was thinking about this last night and I was having a little, um, wine and… weed and an Ambien, um… or as I call it, tucking myself in. Um… Good night, moon. And… I… I am a good person. I swear to you. Like, I’m very old-school. I think the guy should always pay on the first date for sex and… I’m a romantic. I’m labeled a sex comic. Like, that’s in interviews. People are always like, “So you– you talk about sex,” and I’m like… I think it’s just ’cause I’m a girl. I feel like a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and everybody would be like, “He’s a thinker.” But… Right? It’s true. But then I mention one UTI and everyone just thinks I walk around leaving, like, a snail trail of cum, I’m just like… And they’re like, “Oh, Amy’s been here.”

Cum is unsettling, isn’t it? I don’t say that to shock you or– or get your attention– Like, “Oh, no she didn’t.” Like, I’m just reminding you that we’re all disgusting. No one in here is better than anyone else. Like, you’ve all caught a hot load, you know? Like, if that provides you with discomfort, you’re just looking at it the wrong way. We need to be nicer about cum. We really do. Cum gives us life, you know? Gandhi was cum. Oprah– cum. Oprah could have wound up all over somebody’s tits, but no… we got Oprah. Thank you, cum. And yes, it is sticky and gross and no one ever wants it in their mouth ever, ever, ever, but… we need to change how we’re thinking about it. It’s not a wonderfully regal moment as a woman when you take a load. Um… when someone cums in you, you’re not like, “We can do it. I’m glad I leaned in.” It’s not– But it’s a fact of life. All the greatest women have dealt with it, okay? Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Diane Sawyer. Michelle Obama, who I love, like the rest of us, probably once a week has to carefully walk to the bathroom. Just squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish. It’s the White House. It’s probably a long hallway. Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish. And with her perfect arms, she has to deal with it. Just… “This is more than normal. I wonder what’s…” Barack’s like, “Get out here. I want to talk about those e-mails.” She’s like, “I’m cleaning out your troops right now.”

Yeah, I am labeled a sex comic and… I just think that sex is explained incorrectly as far as men and women’s roles go. It’s like, we’re all told over and over again, men love sex and women just deal with it, right? Like, every article, every sitcom, it’s always the guy getting home from work like, “Honey, how about tonight, huh?” And she’s always like, “Blah! You know I hate your dick. Laundry, laundry.” It’s insane. I don’t know any girls like that. Every girl I know likes having sex. I love having sex. Not a weird amount, but like a normal person. All of my friend– I mean, one of them doesn’t, but we think something, like, happened to her. But… but you’re made to feel really disgusting and weird if you’re a girl who likes to have sex. Like, I’ve dated some guy– I would say 50% in the relationships, I initiate the sex, and then 50% we don’t have it. Um… No, but I’ve been in relationships where it’s always the dude, like and then you, like, later realize he was a sex addict, which– Have you ever dated a sex addict? It’s so fun at first when you don’t know. You’re like, “Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?” And then you’re like, “Oh, no, he would fuck a mailbox.” Um… Which is why I’m dressed like this. Uh… but… And then, you know, I’ve dated guys where I always have to initiate and that’s embarrassing. It’s because I used to fuck really dumb guys and I miss that so very, very much. Dumb guys really pound you… ’cause they’re dumb. I love men, though. I really do. I was on the subway the other day and I heard these two guys having this conversation. So there’s two of them. They’re standing on the subway and they’re like… He’s like, “Dude, you gotta go to this bar. They give you chips as soon as you sit down.” And the other guy goes, “Yeah, but they don’t refill ’em, right?” He’s like, “They refill ’em the whole time. He goes, “Sick!” And then they were quiet for, like, ten stops. Just kinda like… just, like, basking in the great exchange. I just– I just loved them, you know? I just looked at them like, “I want that. Why can’t that be me?” ‘Cause you know, if it had been two girls, I would have been looking, thinking, “That’s so cool that these two special needs women… found each other, you know?” If it had been me and a girlfriend and I was like, “They give you chips. They give you–” You’d be like, “Oh, my God, where’s their stop? Like, don’t they have an attendant?” You’d be worried. But I like creative types. I fucked up. I got to an age, I want to be able to have a conversation with someone, like an idiot, and the creative types, they’re all… ugh, like, comics and artists. They all– You have to treat their dick like a soufflé in the oven. You can’t make a big motion or loud noise near it or it’ll fall and you have to start over with a good attitude. Is that how you jerk someone off? Am I doing it? It’s crazy. Like, we– It’s crazy that we get– we get guilted about this.

Like, women wanna cum. Of course we wanna cum. What girls are having sex like, “Oh, no, I’m just– I’m just honored to be “witnessing your process. I– It’s just so cool “to be a part of– No, I don’t want to feel “the one good thing we’re allowed as humans. No, I– This is just you. Please, anywhere.” Um… Make your girls cum, guys. It’s just explained incorrectly. It’s just… I remember as a very young girl, too young, it was broken down for me. It was like, “Be careful, Amy. “Men only want one thing. They are all gonna try and fuck you!” I was like, “Okay.” And then I waited. “Let’s see. Am I on the wrong street? Are they…” I do like talking about sex. I like hearing about it more. Like, I love hearing sex acts, you know? There’s, like, terms for all those– all that stuff. Like, there’s a… the donkey punch, you know, or, like, the dirty Sanchez. These are the ones– the classics that we all grew up with, right? Those are, like, the “To Kill a Mockingbird” of sex terms. But there are so many that you’ve never heard of. I love hearing new ones. There’s, like… there’s the dirty Rochester… Did you ever hear of that? Okay, that is where the guy shits on your chest while he’s on a business trip to Rochester. Is that maybe not really a thing and I was perhaps lied to? I love– There– there’s the dolphin. That’s where the guy tries to put it in the girl’s butt and she goes, “Ehh-ehh, ehh-ehh.” That’s, like, a fun family one. There’s… the Alaskan pipeline, which, um… a guy shits in a condom, freezes it… and then you know what? I won’t say the end of it ’cause it doesn’t end, like, in a super romantic, like, “Notebook-y” type way. She doesn’t like, pull it out and find a ring on it and say, like, “Yes!” There’s no good one for the girl. There’s no, like, wacky Shirley where she sits on his face and reads her tweets, like, there’s nothing. We have nothing. Does anyone know one that’s good for the girl? Anybody? No, right? I asked that– I asked that in the first show and somebody said the minivan. Two in the front, five in the back, and… I don’t even know what he was referring to, actually. Do you guys know any? I love hearing new ones. Does anybody have– Huh? Man: The angry dragon. The angry dragon? What is that? Um, basically, when you’re– When a girl is sucking your dick– When a girl is sucking your dick– Oh, my– Wait, I love how your girlfriend looks right now. She’s like, “Please…” You’re his mom? Oh, my God! This is totally your fault, Mom! This beautiful boy you raised. Well, let’s hear the story of how you were born. Go ahead. Angry dragon. All right. Uh, basically when you’re about to climax, when you’re getting a blowjob, you push her head– When you’re about to climax, you push her head… You push her head at the back of her– I like that he’s acting it out. Like, he’s like, “This is what it looks like! Yes!” …and the jizz goes up through the nose. Up through the nose. What’s your name? What is it? George? Jordan. Jordan, I think you’re grounded. I love you, Mom. Thank you for bringing him. For raising him into the perfect gentleman. There’s none that are good for the girl. There’s one called the raccoon where you just punch her in both eyes and knock over her trash. Like, they’re not… That doesn’t even make sense. There’s the Abraham Lincoln. That’s where he– the guy trims his pubes, – cums on the girl’s face, and then… – throws the pubes… so she has that facial hair. You guys don’t like US history? I can’t gauge the crowd. What’s wrong? The worst one I’ve ever heard is the Houdini, which is where the guy’s having sex with the girl from behind, then unbeknownst to her, his friend subs in for him. Guy number one runs outside, knocks on the window, waves to the girl… which is just rape. Like, that’s just rape. It’s not fair to Houdini. Like, no girl is gonna think that’s hilarious. No girl’s gonna be like, “What? “Ahh! “Baby, I thought you were fucking me, but it’s Phil! I love you!”

Thank you so much, Apollo! Muah! ♪ Yo ♪ ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Man, uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ Young Amy: ♪ Let me entertain you ♪ ♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪ ♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪ ♪ I’m very versatile ♪ Man: Mm-hmm. ♪ And if you’re real good ♪ ♪ I’ll make you feel good ♪ ♪ I want your spirits to climb ♪ ♪ So let me entertain you ♪ ♪ And we’ll have a real good time, oh boy ♪ ♪ And we’ll have a real good time ♪ Woman: So easy!


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