WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I LOVE YOU (2014) – Full Transcript

In her second Comedy Central special, taped at the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, CA, Whitney dissects her recent breakup, her TV show, and the troubling voices in her head.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t fuckin’ watch it! You did not watch it, no you didn’t. ‘Cause if you had watched it, I wouldn’t fucking be here right now. No. I would be here. This is my favorite thing to do in the world. It is so good to be back doing standup. The last couple years were kind of… interesting.

I think the most intense thing that happened to me was I went through a really painful breakup, but I’m glad it happened because actually I learned a lot. I feel like, you know what, I figured out why couples breakup. I think it’s this… I think couples break up because we’re all operating under different definitions of the word love. If you think about it, we say this word to each other, and I think it just makes us raise expectations. You know, I feel like if we were all to just agree on a universal definition of the word love, we’d stop disappointing each other so much, you know? So to me, my definition of love is being willing to die for someone… that you yourself want to kill. Which is kind of confusing… like if someone were to break into my house and hold up a gun to the person I love, I would jump in front of the gun. I’d go, “Wait, no, stop! Let me do it! Dude, I am begging you!” I also think in this culture we express love in a very twisted way. In this culture we show love by giving each other presents… jewelry and trips and stuff… and to me, that’s not what love’s about. That’s too easy, you know. For me love is about the way you treat a person on a daily basis when no one else is around. Little things, you know? Like if you love me, for example, the second sex is over, if I was on top, don’t push me off you… as quickly as possible… If you love me, you will let me dismount with a little fucking dignity. You will let me dismount like the swan that I am. Thank you, sir. Or, if you were on top, by some fucking miracle… don’t use my body as a pushing off point. When you get off, don’t push off my face… to go check your phone. It’s about respect. Love to me is about respect. Little things, you know. If you love me and we’re taking a shower together, don’t pee. Why is that so confusing? Don’t-don’t make me stand in your piss… like a fucking asshole. Use your head. You know, if you love me, you’ll think ahead. Little things like if you love me and you buy me lingerie as a gift, don’t buy me a small top and a medium bottom. Okay? If you love me, you will buy me a large top and a small bottom, and I’ll exchange that shit on my own time. Love is just like don’t be stupid. You know, little things. Like if you love me, let me wake up before you start having sex with me. Can I get some gum? Can you just give me a sec… This isn’t prison. I’m going to say ‘yes’. Have a little faith in yourself, you know?
I also think that phrase “I love you” is tricky because I think when you’re in a relationship for a long time, it starts to lose its value, you know. It starts to deteriorate. Like when you first say I love you, it’s such a big deal. You know, you’re like “I love you”, but after awhile, you’re just like “Love you!” Then after that, you’re just like, “You, too”, and finally you’re just like “Fuck you!”
Love is dangerous, you know. It’s a very dangerous thing we do. We give someone else the ability to hurt us. At any moment you could just get your heart broken, have your life ruined just like that, and I think that makes us all a little tense. I think we’re all a little on edge, you know. Love is so insane that when you hear about someone who’s in love who does a terrible thing, you side with them. Like when I hear about a woman who killed her husband, the first thing I think I’m like, well, what the fuck did he do? That poor woman!
Love makes you think about things you never thought you’d do before, you know? Like getting married. This last relationship I thought I was going to get married. For me, I never thought I was going to get married because I have all this divorce in my family, you know, but I also think that when you get older as a woman, marriage just becomes a little more appealing because marriage is set up for girls as an offer that you just cannot refuse, you know? If someone came up to me on the street randomly and marriage as an institution did not exist, and someone was just like, “Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you whatever the fuck you want?” And then you get to move into somebody else’s house and get on their health insurance plan… And then if they cheat on you, you get half their shit, no questions asked. Would you be interested in that? Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get all that shit? Well, you just have to have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know, fuck it. I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit. Where do I sign up? It’s not that we love you. We just want shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like we don’t always have sex with you guys because we like want that dick. No! No! Okay? Half the time I have sex with a guy, it’s because it burns calories. I’m like oh, God. I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go to the gym, so… I should probably just fuck this guy. But I really go for it, you know. I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights. I get in there and…

In this last relationship, I was going so insane that I started doing research to try to figure out what goes on chemically in your brain when you’re in love. And I read this book called The Female Brain. Has anyone read this book? Ooh! One… dude? All right, what you got going on over here considering the fact that you’re with a dude? Why would you need that book? I respect that. You just wanted to get a head start, just kind of figure it out. So you’re just here alone? I respect that. You’re not going home alone… that’s for sure. That book’s amazing, right? This book is all about the way women’s brains are wired, and essentially it said that we have like millions of more emotions and hormones and like synapses that connect… basically, it’s a miracle that we’re not crying all the fucking time… which is a bummer because I feel like guys hate that, you know? You know, I feel like guys hate that women are so emotional and sensitive, right? You guys think women are crazy, right? Yes? Okay. All right. You think this is fun for me? You think I would ever choose this for myself? You think I enjoy crying every time Adele is on the radio? That’s embarrassing, okay. You think I enjoy Googling your ex-girlfriend three hours a day? You think I have that kind of time? You think I enjoy trying to guess every one of your security question answers? Oh, shit! What street did he grow up on? It’s weird because that’s all I hear from guys is that women are crazy. Women are so crazy. But I have tons of girlfriends, and I hang out with my girlfriends alone all the time, and when guys aren’t around, women are super cool, rational, logical, but then they start dating some dude, and they lose their mind.
Women are not crazy… you guys fucking make us that way. Okay? I’m just sayin’, take your passwords off your fucking phones. It’s just weird because I feel like being crazy and sensitive… like that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. I think that’s kind of an asset, you know? I think girls should be paranoid and hypervigilant and emotional because we’re responsible for raising helpless babies. Okay? We can’t think like you guys. We can’t be fucking sociopaths… or else babies would just die… all the time and our species would be extinct. Like if we felt like you guys, we would give birth to a baby, you know, take it home from the hospital if we even went to the hospital… because I don’t need a doctor. Then we would like put it in the sink for a month. Just throw Doritos on it, every now and then spray it with Axe Body Spray… And when we were done with it, we would just like put it on Craig’s List, like, ah, I can get a few bucks for that. I feel like you guys think that we like choose to be crazy, you know? It’s an act of choice. Like I feel like you guys think that we wake up on any given morning and just decide we’re going to have a terrible day. I feel like you guys think we wake up and we’re like oh my God, I’m going to have such a good day today. I’m going to hang out with my boyfriend, we’re going to go hang out, see a movie… you know what? No. I have a better idea. I’m going to wake up, feel fat for two hours… then get mad at my boyfriend because he said good morning in a weird tone… then I’m going to break up with him in my head… I’m not going to tell him we broke up. It’s none of his fucking business whether we’re together or not. Then I’m going to go spend $200 on jeans that don’t fit… then I’m going to go eat cucumbers with barbecue sauce on them… then I’m going to get mad at him again because he suggested we see a Scarlett Johansson movie… what the fuck is that? Then I’m going to go spend two hours online looking at wedding dresses. Not a great day for us, either, you know? I think it’s funny that guys are never called crazy because I feel like guys do things that are like, crazy, you know? But guys are never called crazy. Like, for a guy to get called crazy, he’s got to be like… he’s got to be like naked in an alley jerking off on a dead pigeon… singing bible hymns like “Over the River”… But even then we’re like, oh my God, that guy is homeless. That is so sad. Do you have a dollar? Give him a dollar. But for a girl to get called crazy, we just have to send you two text messages in a row. She’s fucking crazy, man. She’s fucking stalking me, bro. She’s obsessed with me, man. I’m like I don’t know, I’m not crazy. I’m just locked out of the house. Can you let me in the house? I’m not stalking you. I live here. My house. We live together. I’m not obsessed with you. I hate you, so…

Guys are never called crazy, but I feel like guys do things that are actually crazy. Like things that would put you in an insane asylum. Like you guys will talk to athletes in the TV. You think they can fucking hear you. That’s literal schizophrenia. That is a mental illness. Like I was watching some of my guy friends a couple of months ago. They were watching a Giants game and they were talking to Eli Manning. They were having a conversation with this person. They were like, Eli, listen to me. Eli, listen to me. We have been through this, bro. I’m like, bitch, you’ve not been through shit with him, man. He cannot hear you, and even if he could hear you, why would he take advice from you? You can’t even get your Heinekens in the fucking garbage can. I feel like you guys watching sports should give you a little more sympathy for us because now you know what it’s like to yell at a man and have him completely ignore you. Every day is Sunday for us. You guys say the meanest things to these athletes, the meanest things. Like they were watching Tom Brady and they were like Tom Brady, you suck. Tom Brady sucks. I don’t know that much about football, but I’m pretty sure Tom Brady doesn’t suck at football. I’m pretty sure you suck. I’m pretty sure all you suck at football. I just wish these athletes would stand up for themselves, you know, against these horrible things you say. I wish just one time Tom Brady would look directly into the camera and be like, “Hey man, fuck you, I got this… “I make 20 million dollars a year “and you can’t even do a fucking sit-up… Get off my dick, man.”
That’s where you guys get delusional about sports. Like I feel if we get delusional about like relationship stuff, but sports is where you guys kind of lose your mind. Like I have this guy friend who… he carries a football around in his car… like bitch, you’re 50. No one wants to play football with you. Like to him it’s like… like it’s not over yet, you know. Like in his mind he’s going to get a call… Like any minute he’s getting a phone call. If the coach of the Giants doesn’t call him like, “Hey, man. “Eli’s hurt… You still got that football in your car?”

I’m trying to kind of take responsibility for my part in being crazy, you know? I’m trying to be more mature in relationships, and I don’t think that it’s just women who are biologically fixed to be crazy… I don’t think that’s it. I think there’s a lot of socialization that messes us up, too. Like I realize I have incredibly high expectations for romance, and I don’t even know where they come from. Like I realized recently when I get off a plane, I fully expect the guy that I’m dating to be waiting for me at the airport, surprising me. What shitty movie did we see… You know what? I actually… I think it was Crocodile Dundee… I swear to God. Remember in the ’90s all those guys were like just rushing to the airport? Because as an adult, today, I will fully get off a plane. I will go on the escalator and I will be like… Fucking asshole. Which is so unfair to you guys, you know? Because if you guys were to actually do that, it would be a complete disaster. If the guy I was dating showed up at the airport when I got off the plane, all tired and sticky and shit, I’d be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He’d be like oh, I just, you know, wanted to come surprise you at the airport. I’d be like, you drove to the airport? I drove to the airport. Now we have two cars at the fucking airport! What lot are you in? You’re in lot B? We have to take a bus to your lot? Oh, you piece of shit!

That’s crazy, you know, but I think there are a lot of things that contribute to us being a little irritable, you know? I think that part of girls being crazy is the fact that being a female is just so frustrating. Like there’s so much work we have to do, there’s so much maintenance that goes into it, and most of what we do is to make you guys think we’re attractive, so we’re resentful, you know. I feel like by 9 AM we already hate you. Okay? Because of all this shit we have to do from 8 to 9 AM to make you think we’re fuckin’ pretty. Like do you know the kind of shit that goes on in your bathroom, sir? You don’t know. You’re wearing shorts. And what are those… are those Crocs? Oh my God, white people are so embarrassing. Unbelievable! And she… you don’t understand the kind of stuff that goes on in the bathroom. She’s working hard and you’re wearing… your pajamas. This is unbelievable. Do you realize the things that we do? We spray aerosol. We inhale aerosol every day. Okay? Then we put on makeup which is just chemicals and poison… then we put on perfume which is pure alcohol. It’s not that we bitchy… we’re just high… most of the time. Bitches are just lit up everywhere. Have you ever seen a girl put on perfume. She’s like eh, eh, eh… Ah-h-h. Okay, let’s go. Where we going?

The torture we put ourselves through… it’s just annoying, you know? Like do you know what eyeliner is, sir? Do you have any idea? A little bit. A little bit, little bit, little bit. Sorry, I can’t stop looking at your scrotum. Unbelievable! Eyeliner… no idea. Just based on the word eye…liner. Zero? Nothing. Zip. Guys don’t even know. Do you have any idea, sir? – I can take a hint. – You can take a hint. Okay, let’s see. You apply it to your eye. See, this is… he’s my worst nightmare. This is my worst nightmare. This is literal guy. This is the guy who in a fight, he just sticks to the facts. To win… he’s the guy who’s like, “No, no, no I didn’t say you were a bitch. I said you were being a bitch.” And you’re like, okay, I got to go regroup… I’ll be right back. Does any guy know how eyeliner is applied? This amazes me. The guy has no idea. With a brush. With a brush… no! That’s another masochistic thing we do. That’s eye shadow… it’s applied with a brush. The point of eye shadow is to make us look like we have black eyes, so why don’t you take a good hard look at yourself and why you think that’s attractive, sickos. I can’t do eye shadow myself. It’s actually difficult to do. I just have to be like baby, can you punch me in the face? I’m going to work. Eyeliner… nothing. This is amazing to me. Eyeliner. What’s that? Do you know how? With a pen? No! What else, what’s close to pen? – A pencil. – Pencil! Doesn’t that sound a little fucking dangerous to anybody else? We’re putting pencils in our eyeballs. Like I think the first thing you learn as a child is do not get a pencil near your eye… until you become an adult woman… in which case we want you to put it inside your eyeball every morning. We know you’re probably going to do it while you’re driving. We don’t care… only way to get a man to like you. I was worried that it was taking some kind of toll on our eyesight, like collectively as women, you know. I feel like putting ink and pencils and dye… this has got to be bad for our vision. You know, sometimes women see shit that’s just not fucking there. I think there’s a correlation. I used to always accuse my ex of checking out hot chicks in front of me. He’d be like what chicks… I don’t see any chicks. I’d be like I don’t know, motherfucker. I don’t have any peripheral vision anymore, from all this eyeliner. I see hot chicks everywhere.

So much suffering. There’s so much pain involved in being a girl, you know? I don’t think women are weak. I think women are too strong because we just endure it. We just take it and don’t complain about it, but I do think that it manifests in other ways. Like next time you’re talking to a girl and you think she’s acting like shitty or unreasonable, just remember that she’s got a polyester string in her asshole. Yeah, she’s probably a little stressed out, okay? We’re all a little on edge, and I think that’s probably why. A guy will be like what’s up your ass? I’m like uh-h-h. I can tell you right now, it’s a polyester string I paid $35 for. That I can’t even put in the fucking dryer. Do you have a question? I can’t do a lot of it, you know. I can’t do high heels. I cannot do high heels because I feel like it makes me shitty. I get in a bad mood when I’m wearing high heels, you know. It’s just so weird to me. Some of you guys are here with girls tonight whose feet are bleeding. But you’re not doing anything about it. It’s not even weird… you’re not getting them a Band-Aid, nothing. It’s just accepted that we like limp around, you know. I also don’t like it because I feel like when I do, the guy that I’m with will get mad at me for wearing heels, you know? He’ll go why are you wearing those high-heeled shoes? It’s going to ruin our whole night because you’re going to be complaining the entire time about your feet hurting and I’m going to have to go get the car and pull the car around. Like um, hey bro, I’m wearing heels so that you want to fuck me. Because if I don’t, you’re going to leave me for someone who does. I’ve seen porn, and none of those bitches are wearing Aerosoles. Just go get the car. Like I’m always trying to look good for guys and it’s always backfiring on me, you know? Like when I’m taking too long in the bathroom… you’re taking forever in the bathroom. We’re going to miss our reservation. I’m like I’m sorry… I’m just in here trying to make you think I’m pretty. I’m not in a huge rush to get to the restaurant. It’s not like I can eat anything once we get there anyway. I’m fucking starving to death. I haven’t had bread since ’95, so just be cool, man. Then we get in trouble for that. Why are you always on a diet? You’re always on a diet. I’m on a diet because I’m trying to get the body of the women you jerk off to after I fall asleep. It’s not just that I love lettuce. Okay? I don’t love lettuce. What is the confusion. It’s always something, man. Why are you always cold? Why are you always cold? You’re always cold. I’m cold because I lasered my entire body… so that you would think I’m soft, you fucking pedophile. Unbelievable!

Actually, there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know. You know there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know and I feel like if you knew about it, you’d be a little less frustrated with us, you know? Like there’s so much stuff you guys don’t know. Like you guys don’t know about the voices. No one told you about that shit, huh? You think it’s bad when our mouths are moving… no, that’s the best case scenario. It’s when our mouths are shut that you need to be concerned. Because that means we’re fucking thinking. That’s when all the problems start. Because I feel like in this culture girls are taught to be so self-critical. You know, we compare ourselves to such an impossible physical ideal that we’re always judging ourselves. You know, I’m so insecure at this point I just have this constant inner monologue saying the meanest shit to me all the time. It’s just like, “Hey, Whitney, “your thighs are touching… “You probably shouldn’t have had that cheese “last night, you fuckin’ pig. “You haven’t gone to the gym yet today… “that’s an interesting choice. “I guess you’re just going to die alone. “Even if a man does marry you, you’re so loud he’s going to leave you for an Asian girl.” Just the meanest stuff, constantly.

But I feel like guys don’t have that same insecurity, you know? Obviously. I don’t think guys are self-critical like that. I feel like guys doing a monologue is totally different. I feel like guys doing a monologue are like, “What’s up, bro? “Looking awesome! “Really killing it today, per usual. “Dude, I don’t think you need to shave today… “that weird black hair growing out of your back looks cool. “Dude, do not shave your face. “Fuck your girlfriend and her bloody chin. “Fuck her! “Dude, I’m thinking you should wear “those awesome cargo shorts again today. With socks and sandals.” Must be nice. Must be nice to like yourselves.

I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out what guys are thinking about, you know? That’s like our favorite thing to do as girls, right… ask guys what they’re thinking, you know? “Hey babe, what are you thinking about… ” it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” Like we got to stop doing that. That has never gone well for any girl. Like no girl in the history of time was ever like “Hey babe, what are you thinking about…” And the guy was like, “Well… …I’m glad you asked. “I was just thinking about how young you look “and how much I love monogamy. Can we talk about it?” No, it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” But, you know what… I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I think guys really do think about fuckin’ nothing. Like I feel like guys drive down the street and this is pretty much what goes on in your mind. Driving down the street just in your car… “Tree. “Tree. Damn, she’s got big tits.” But then that’s pretty much it. Right? If there’s no emotion, it’s just like thing, thing, stuff, thing, thing, stuff, thing.
But for me to drive down that same street, nightmare. Stress. Memories, emotions, triggering. So much drama. For me to drive down that same street, it’s like, Oh my God, look at that tree. My ex-boyfriend had a tree in his yard. Oh my God! I miss him so much. Oh, look at that tree. That tree’s thinner than me. What the fuck… I hate trees. Well, who’s this bitch with the big tits? And that’s just to get to Rite-Aid. It’s just a saga.

You know, I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine. I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine and I was just telling him, you know, that I think that being a girl is just more of a challenge sometimes because we have more to think about, you know. We have to worry about all this superficial stuff… our, you know, nails getting done, our hair, our clothes and matching and purses and stuff. He’s like “Yeah, yeah, but that’s not our fault. “That’s not our fault because women don’t dress for men. Women dress for other women.” Does anyone fuck… I will fight you right now… All of you. Women do not dress for other women. That’s such a ridiculous philosophy. Look, I’ve never been getting ready putting on a miniskirt like yeah, my waitress tonight is going to love this. Like, no, women do not dress for other women and I know this because I have girls’ nights in my house. And when girls are alone and no guys are around, we look like sea creatures. Okay? It looks like a pirate ship crashed into my house. Okay? We all got dreadlocks, we’re wearing slankets around, pajama jeans, all our leg hairs just in corn rows. We have our dicks hanging out. If a girl comes over with makeup on, I’m like, “Bitch, go wash your face. Whose team are you on?” I do think this idea, though, is kind of at the root of the philosophy that people think that women don’t like other women. I think that happens because when we’re super dressed up to impress a guy and we see each other, we avoid each other because we’re so embarrassed of all the pathetic, desperate shit we’re doing to impress a dude. You know, like when I’m super dressed up in a push-up bra and a mini dress and heels and I see a group of girls, I’m not like, “What’s up, bitches? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” No! When I see a group of girls, I’m so humiliated at all the dumb, slutty shit I’m doing, I’m like, “Oh God, hi. “Um… “I know this is bad. “It’s just that he’s really shallow and um, “I’m in my 30’s now, so I’ve got to make a move, “you know what I mean… and he’s got a 401k… you get it.”

I don’t like that idea that women don’t like other women. I don’t think that’s true. I just think that women support other women when it really counts. You know, we come in and have each other’s back when it really counts… like when we go to the bathroom together. You want to know what’s going on in there? There’s one girl having a bad night, a bunch of bitches who have never met each other in their lives are like soldiers at war, nursing each other’s wounds. One girl is on the floor… I’m like, all right, pull those Spanx up. Somebody get a Band-Aid for that blister. Someone… her eyebrow just melted off… gotta get a Sharpie to draw that shit back on. All right, someone get some Super Glue for those eye lashes. Her hair extensions just fell out… someone get a stapler to staple that horsehair back on her head. Now, bitch, you wipe the tears off your tits and you listen to me right now. You’re going to go back out there, put a smile on your face and pretend he’s interesting. Go! Thank you! I don’t like that at all.

I think when women are nasty with other women, it’s much more subtle, like it’s much more insidious, you know. Like I have this girlfriend, every time I see her, she’d be like, “Hey, hooker. ‘s up, slut?” Which that’s never going to feel good, you know? But to me it’s just a reminder that I think we need to stop using the word hooker as a pejorative term. I have a lot of respect for hookers. I think they work very hard and they do a lot of the jobs that we don’t want to fucking do. They are cleaning up a lot of messes out there. They are American heroes. I also think hookers look at us like we’re the idiots, you know? They look at us and they’re like, “Those bitches are having sex for free? What a bunch of fuckin’ whores.” So silly.

I don’t know, man. I feel like when I was trying to figure out what guys were thinking about, I came across some stuff that was just too discouraging, you know. Like I came across an article that said that guys think about sex at least every five minutes. Was that like disturbing, right? Like you guys are responsible for like really important shit like wars and bombs, and you guys can’t focus for five fucking minutes… Like important men are thinking about sex every five minutes which is like Barack Obama thinks about sex every five minutes which probably explains why he’s always stuttering during his fucking speeches. It’s like, dude, get your shit together, man, you know? But you’ll see it happen. You’ll see him giving a speech and you’ll see that five-minute mark hit. You’ll see sex enter his mind. He’ll be like, “We’re going to go into Afghanistan “and we’re going to discuss the… “um, we’re going to, “ah, we’re going to get on the, uh, Dude, I just saw that, man. You were just thinking about titties… Afghan titties. I saw it happen.
It’s just concerning to me. I feel like there are a lot of jobs where you guys probably need to focus, right? Like heart surgeons think about sex every five minutes and heart surgeries are like five hours long, so that’s like 60 times. Like you know heart surgeons are just sitting there looking at an open heart like yeah, I’d put my dick in that. I said it.
It’s kind of weird, though, that guys think about sex. Like we’ve accepted it so much as a society now. You know, it’s so institutionalized. We’ve embraced it, you know. Like there’s just a restaurant called Hooters… that’s just a restaurant. Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that for women, you know, called like Dongs. Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant. Nobody would ever eat there. We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex… I gotta be honest. It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon. No. No. So it’s like some weird shitake mushroom coming out… It’s always going up like a snorkel. Like why is it up? Get it down there! It’s always like on one side, all mis… why is it so misallocated? Disgusting.
Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that for women where the waiters were dressed up to arouse the women eating there, they would not be in Speedos, okay? They’d be wearing suits, carrying briefcases, holding up their perfect credit reports.

Like I feel like girls don’t need like sex while we’re doing our jobs, you know. Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah. Just put that butter on the pan, girl. Just get it in the roast. I just realized I don’t know anything about cooking. Did you see the wheels just turning there? Like it wasn’t even clo… Roast? No one does a roast anymore. I’m going to work on that.

You guys just need sex all the time. Like in completely nonsexual situations, guys need sex, you know. Like sports, perfect example. Football. You guys are watching football and you’ve got these amazing athletes on the field doing amazing things, incredible. They’re flying, they’re doing phenomenal things. Not enough for you. You still need whores around the perimeter… of the field. God forbid there’d be two seconds without a tit in the background of something you’re watching. Cheerleaders crack me up, man. So funny to me because that’s so obviously a guy’s idea, you know. Like a guy obviously thought of that because the cheerleaders still cheer even when their team is fucking losing… they cheer. No real women would ever act like that. If her man was out on the field for five hours on a Sunday bombing, she wouldn’t be like go, baby, go, go. She’d be like Jason, we’re leaving. First of all, you’re embarrassing me, okay? Second of all, I’m freezing cold, I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes. Wrap it up.

I think I figured out why guys like sex more. I think it’s biological. I think it’s because sex is so much better for guys. You know, it’s so much easier. Like for a guy… sex is better for guys because it’s so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm. You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm, it’s just like… it’s like you just… Pretty much all that has to happen is you just have to kind of walk into something or… There has to be like a drizzle out, you know. Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men’s orgasms to three basic categories. Like there’s three basic ones… The first one is like you just got shot in the back with an arrow… The second one is like you’re puking… And the third one is a rare one, but it’s for the guys that are like secretly psychos and they hate women and it’ll come out like right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere. They’ll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah. Shut up, you dumb whore! I’m like, oh no! I thought we were in love.
You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard… it is so hard to have an orgasm. It’s… I cannot wait to have one. I hear they’re great. I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm, you’ve got to be like… you’ve got to be like focused. You have to be like emotionally connected. You’ve got to be relaxed. You’ve got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder because you guys watch porn and you think that the porn stars are having orgasms, but they’re all faking it and they make it look so fucking easy. Like porn stars will be just like’ “Ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.” That’s nothing. That’s she’s coming down from a meth binge. Nothing’s happening to her. I can’t compete with that, you know.
Like if your girl is having an orgasm, she’s not going ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming. If your girl is having an orgasm, she’s going’ “Do not fucking move!” I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. Bastard! Slower. Tell me you love me… you better fucking mean it this time! Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit! Pull my hair, not the extensions! Shut up, you dumb whore!
Seriously, for me to have an orgasm, like my right leg has to be behind my left shoulder… Like you’ve got a charleyhorse in your ass, you know. You got those crazy bloodshot eyes going, veins in our foreheads. Our foreheads look like your dicks… just veins…
I know it’s not easy for you guys, either. Now you guys have to like do so much work. You guys have to hit the same spot like 500 times, you know. That’s why I like to be helpful during sex, you know. That’s why I treat sex like the game “Operation”. If the guy misses, I’m just like…

I used to be very against porn, you know. I thought it was bad for women and like degrading and shit, but now I kind of like it. Uh, because you know why… because I watched it, and when I watched it, I learned so much stuff that I had to be kind of grateful for it. I learned watching porn that the girls in porn they’ll request to the man where they want him to finish which I didn’t know that was an option. See, nobody told me that we had a vote in that. I’ve just been taking whatever shots have been coming at me… since 1998… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been storming the shores of Normandy… That’s a history joke. I don’t know. Now that I know that’s an option… to request where you’d want the man to finish… I’m I’m ready. Now I’ve got some ideas. Maybe like, yeah, I really want you to come… In the bathroom? You just want to time that out… whatever you’ve got to do to just… In the sink! I like the big one, though.
The big one in porn is the coming on the face. That’s the big one, right? Yeah. Let’s talk about it. Like I really think that as a society we kind of need to discuss why we like this so much, you know, and why you guys think that we like love it. Like who told you that we like need it? No, nobody ever wants this to happen to them. If a girl asks you to come on her face, it’s because she thinks you’re going to breakup with her. Always buys you at least another month or so. My problem with it is like the second it’s over. You know, I try to be fun. You know while it’s happening I can get into it, you know, because while it’s happening you can be like yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah. Look at us. Yeah, hit me, hit me. Yeah, ooh, yeah. We are so crazy. We are wild and crazy… Can I get like a towel or something? Or maybe like a baby wipe or some… or maybe like a pick ax because now it’s turned to stone. I can’t open my fucking eyes. He’s not going to help you. He’s too busy taking photos to send his friends.

You guys are animals. But I get why guys watch porn. I get it now because it’s so obvious. It’s just that naked women are hot. All naked women are hot. You know, there’s so much to look at, yeah. It’s disgusting of you. You’re with a date, man. That’s going to be a fight. But, right? All boobs and butts… they all look amazing, you know? That’s why you guys watch porn. Girls don’t watch porn as much because naked guys… uck! Such a bummer, you know. It’s just such a… this whole Wes Craven situation you got going on… it’s just disgusting, you know. It’s a lot… it’s a lot to take. Because like when a dick comes on the screen, we’re not like yeah, “Look at that dick. Yeah, I want that dick.” No. When a dick comes on the screen, we’re like, “Oh, there’s a dick. “What’s it doing? “What’s the dick doing? Does it see me? Does the dick see me?”

Like there’s just nothing attractive about it, you know. Like dicks are so ugly… that the second you guys are born, someone has to cut some of it off. To make it even somewhat presentable to society. You guys love your dicks though, man, you love them. You’re going yeah! Dicks! You guys walk around, you lead with it. Lead with it, just walking around, just letting it go. Yeah, just loving my dick. You know when you guys are alone, you’re just like… You guys walk around so proud of it. You guys walk around like you got a first place trophy in-between your legs. I got news for you… it doesn’t look like a first place trophy. Looks like an old yam. Have you seen it? Have you… you know what… no, you haven’t seen it because your hand is always on it. You’ve never actually seen it before. Always touchin’ it. Always touchin’ it, touchin’ it, touchin’ it. What do you… what are you do… Are you cleaning it off, like are you trying to get three wishes out of it? Leave it alone. Just let it just dry off.
You know what that means, right? You’re always touching your dicks. You know what that means… you got dick on your hands… all of you. You have dick, dick, dick, dick, dicking hands. All of you. You see guys know that. Guys are in on it. That’s why guys are always giving each other the fist pump. They know, you know. Did you ever see two guys walk towards each other? Like hey man, what’s up, man? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been touching my dick today, too, man. Yeah, we both got dicks. We got dicks. Like that’s like your whole day. Just like eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

That’s the trick. That is the trick of dating is that when you get back out there, you’ve got to see all these new dicks, you know? I know, it’s a lot. Like when you live with someone for a while or you’re married, you get used to their dick, you know? It’s like it grows on you. It’s like a basset hound… like it’s ugly but it’s yours. You know. It’ll come over and like hey, what are you doing? You’re like hi, dick, what’s u-up? Do you want to hang out? No, not really. But when you’re single, man, you’ve got to see all these new dicks. You know, you’ve got to, you’ve got to really get in there, you know. But the problem is when you see a new dick because every new dick is a whole new set of WebMD searches. You know. You’ve got to inspect the new ones. You’ve got to make sure everything’s legit. You’ve got to make sure everything’s, you know, safe. You know, but the problem is when you get that close to a dick, you’re that close to a dick. You know what happens when you’re that close to a dick. Yeah. You’ve got to put that thing in your mouth. And it’s not because we want to… it’s because something happens when a woman’s face is within like a foot of a man’s dick where a hand will come down… And you can’t get out… it moves with you. Oh shit! Fine! That is so rude!
Man, I don’t mean to be mean about it… I just feel like you guys don’t see it from our perspective, you know. You don’t see what we see. You know, we’ve got to see this super weird transformation happen that is so creepy, you know. Here’s the thing… anything that changes in shape, size, and color without your permission is a little fucking weird. You know. Like from our point of view, it is terrifying. Like this is what it looks like from our point of view, just so you guys know. Okay, it’ll start out just hanging, chilling. You’re touchin’ it, touchin’ it. Then you’re like… it’ll hear like a noise or… Um? “Would you like to play?”

I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming down for the show, everybody. Thank you. I just want to say I really appreciate you guys coming out. Standup is my favorite thing to do in the world and I do it for you guys. So, thank you so much for supporting me. I love you very much. Bye, everybody.


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!