[soft bamboo flute notes play]
[“Sledgehammer” by Peter Gabriel plays]
[roar of cheering audience]
♪ Hey, hey, you ♪
♪ Tell me, how have you been? ♪
[cheering grows louder]
♪ I wanna be ♪
♪ Your sledgehammer ♪
♪ Why don’t you call my name? ♪
Thank you very much! Thank you, everybody!
Please, take a seat.
Thank you so much. Thanks for coming out. Yeah, man. We’re here.
Yeah. [cheering grows louder]
Well, let me ask you guys something, man. Are they gonna keep taking our Confederate statues down or what?
Just taking the temperature of the room.
I don’t know who’s here, you know?
“That’s a weird one to start.” All right.
Yeah, I’ve been on this, uh, phenomenal tour, and I’ve, uh, I’ve met people I never thought I would meet in my life. Recently I met a supermodel, which is wild because… Well, I don’t think she wanted to meet me. I should be clear. I was in a… a fancy hotel in Toronto, and somebody that worked there, they go to her, “Hey, he’s a comedian.” And she was like, “Okay.” [laughter] And then they go, “She’s a supermodel.” I was like, “I can see.”
And what struck me is that they are so much better-looking than you think they’re gonna be. Like, you see in a magazine or on your phone, and you’re like, “She’s pretty.” But in person, you’re like, “What the fuck is happening right now?” [laughter] And then you realize that it’s a genetic freak.
It is. If you are a supermodel, you are a freak. You are no different than a seven-foot-tall man.
I don’t know if you’ve ever met a seven-footer. I have. It is unsettling. All right? You basically… you go, like, “Am I a child? What… What is happening?” This woman was so unbelievably good-looking. Like, five seconds into our conversation, I stopped speaking and listening. All right? [laughter] I was looking at her like she was at the zoo. I was like… [laughter] I was like, “Let me see your ears.” Was looking for flaws. [laughter] She was absolutely perfect. And then my next thought was, “Why can’t my wife just drown?”
She knows. I told her. She knows.
She’s like, “You know I can swim, right?”
“I know. Doesn’t matter if you can swim. It matters if a jury believes you can.”
[snorts] I’ve, uh… I’ve been to unbelievable places because of this job. It’s… It’s really crazy. I’ve… I’ve seen amazing places. Been to Rome. Hong Kong. Machu Picchu. All because of this job. And then, there’s other days. [crowd chuckling] Like, I had to go to Topeka, Kansas to do a show. [laughter] We went because they bought tickets, but we got the fuck out right away. [laughter] There was something cool that happened there, which is that my show there was protested by the Westboro Baptist Church. Uh…
[cheers and applause]
Don’t know if you know them. Sometimes they’re in the news. [crowd chuckles] If you’re like, “Oh, really? There’s a church in the news? But why?” [laughter] Well, sometimes they also protest dead soldiers’ funerals, cool shit like that. And… I was backstage, and my tour manager came in the room, he goes, “Westboro Baptist Church is here.” I was like, “To see the show? Really?” [laughter] And he was like, “No.” Said, “They’re protesting.” And they were out front with their dumb fuckin’ signs.
Their homemade signs ’cause they’re poor.
[laughter] They had signs made that said, “Tom is a sinner.” And I was like, “Yes.”
[mumbles] Yeah. True.
Then they had, like, real hateful signs too that said, uh, like, “God hates gays.” But didn’t say “gay.” [laughter] It was another word. [laughter continues] [laughter swells] Your dad says it when the Cardinals lose. You know, like, uh…
All right, your uncle. Somebody says it. Uh… [laughter] I took offense. Not so much to the word as the implication. That God hates gays. I don’t think that’s true. I think God has a people problem. There are too many people, and that is not gay people’s fault.
Because they butt fuck. I have to spell everything out? [laughter] Jesus. You can nut as hard as you want in somebody’s ass over and over and over, and something will come out, but it’s not a baby. Uh…
[audience member whistles]
[cheering] I mean…
Still worth taking a picture of, I would argue. [laughter] Maybe give it a name. It’s not gonna live long. Uh… [hushed laughter] [laughter swells] I’m not gay, but… I am not above checking out a dude. I’m serious. Like, if I’m at the beach and there’s some super fucking, like… just yoked dude there, I’ll be like, “Hey.” “Nice.” [laughter] “Very nice.” “What’s your protein intake? What do you do?” “Cardio and lift? Of course.” Then a hot chick’ll walk by. “Get outta here. What are you doing?” [laughter] I think the gayest I ever was… [laughter] …was in February. [laughter] That’s when I did my shows in Los Angeles and Brad Pitt came to my show.
[cheers and applause]
Look… I do not know what year he was born or how many infants he consumes in a week, but that man…
…is stunning. All right? He came into my dressing room. I couldn’t make eye contact. Do you understand? I was like, “Hey, what’s up, man? How you doing?” [laughter] He goes, “Look at me.” I was like, “No.” [laughter continues] He goes, “Come on.” I said, “Shut up.” [laughter]
He goes, “Wanna give me a kiss?” I was like, “Yeah.”
He goes, “Do it.” I went… Like that, I kissed him.
[audience member whistles]
It wasn’t gay.
We took a bath later. That was gay. But…
[laughter] …we talked about sports, so it balanced out, you know? I think you’re lucky if, in this life, you have, like, one real friend. You know? Like a true friend. I think I have four.
[laughter] Um… I call him Pitt Stop ’cause we’re close. Uh… [laughter] And three other guys. People you know intimately. Like, you know each other’s secrets and stuff. Like, one of my friends, I know that he hides that he smokes weed from his wife. His name is Casey.
[laughter] One of my friends hides that he eats McDonald’s from his wife because he’s fat, and his name is Charlie. [laughter] [laughs devilishly] I guess they know now, but, you know… It’s wild when you find out something new after knowing people that long. I’ve known these guys, like, 25, 30 years. And I found out last week, so 25 years into these friendships, that I’m the only one who eats ass. In that entire group. Isn’t that… crazy to you? Like…
[cheers and applause]
I guess I’m friends with a bunch of third-graders. I don’t know. Like… [laughter] One of the guys is newly in love too. Justin. Newly in love. Usually newly in love people are really on board, you know? Because everything’s rainbows and butterflies. Like, every day Justin’s like… [giggles gleefully] [laughter] [softly] “I’m in love.” I go, “That’s great. Did you eat her ass?” He’s like, “No.” I said, “So you don’t like her.” [laughter] And he was like, “No, I do.” And I said, “No, you don’t.” [laughter] “If you did, you’d give her the sweetest kiss of all.”
And he goes, “That’s where she shits.”
I was like, “Yeah, don’t do it then.”
[laughter] Wait a while, you know? Put her in a bath or something. That’s what I did with Brad. Now… [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
He goes, “You’re gross.” I was like, “Whatever.” And he said, “That’s what a dog does.” I said, “Excuse me?” [laughter] He goes, “A dog licks its own ass.” I said, “First of all, if I could lick my own ass, I wouldn’t be on tour, all right?” [laughter] I would do it until a doctor told me to stop. [laughter] He would have to sit me down and be like, “You’re not gonna have an ass soon if you don’t knock this off.” [laughter] I’d be like, “But it feels good.” [laughter] And he’d go, “I don’t trust you.” “Gonna put a cone around your neck.” I’d be like… “I can take it off with my paws.” Okay…
[laughter fades, swells]
Sorry, that was very stupid. I’m sorry. Now… I wish my dad was still here, you know? He died a few months ago. And I understand it’s part of life. It happens to everybody. And, uh, you know, I… I just… I had never visited somebody sick in the hospital. That was a new experience. It’s strange. If you’ve never done it, you get to the hospital and then somebody that works there goes, “Are you here to see…” And you go, “Yeah.” They go, “They’re gonna die soon.” And you’re like, “I thought so too. That’s why I came.” [laughter] And then they go, “You can go in there and watch that now.” And you’re like, “Thanks.” [scattered laughter] Personally, I feel like watching somebody die that you’re not trying to kill…
is weird, you know?
[laughter] Like, it’s different if you have somebody and you’re like… [laughter] And they go, “I’m dying.” Like, “I know. I want you dead. That’s why I’m doing this.” Probably feels good. I don’t know. I’m assuming it’s a euphoric feeling that you chase forever and ever. But… Ask Garth Brooks. He’ll tell you all about it. So…
[loud cheering, applause]
Come on. Where are the bodies, G? [cheering continues] Please.
[cheering continues, fades]
Connect the dots. Now…
[laughter] I will tell you this. I did have a great conversation with my father. And I hope if you’re ever in that situation, you get it too. We had this great talk. And then he just drops this on me. He goes, “You know what I’ve never told you?” And I was like, “No. What?” And I was really hoping he was gonna say, you know, “There’s a treasure buried in the backyard.” [laughter] “It’s for you.” I go, “What have you never told me?” He goes, “I like a full bush on a lady.” And I was like, “What? What?”
He goes, “Your mother keeps trimming hers.”
I go, “Hey, what the fuck, man?”
[laughter] I go, “Why are you telling me this?”
And he goes, “Who am I supposed to tell?”
[laughter] I go, “The Lord. You’re about to meet him.” And that was it. Then he said the “N” word and then he died. [mumbles]
[scattered cheers and applause] It was his last wish. All right? Yeah. Make-A-Wish was pissed. [laughter] They were like, “We don’t do that.” I was like, “Well, maybe you should.” If it was between saying that or meeting Tom Brady, I’d be like, “Fuck Tom Brady. I wanna say it.”
[scattered cheers and applause]
What really sucks about losing a parent is when you have kids. ‘Cause you want your parents to hang out with your kids, you know? Like, I have… I have two boys. They’re six and three. And they are boys. Like, real “he/him” s, if you know what I’m saying. Uh… [laughter] Don’t worry, we asked them. All right? [mumbles] They were like… [gruff] “Definitely.” We’re like, “Oh, okay.” “It’s up to you.” Now… [hushed laughter]
[laughter slowly builds]
[scattered applause] [loud cheering and applause] Luckily, I have a cousin that lives near me and he has two girls the same age. Six and three. So I get this wildly different experience up close and in person all the time. And these girls come over to my house. My God. What did I do wrong where I didn’t get girls? These girls… they show up, and they’re like, [softly] “Hello, Uncle Tommy.” [laughter] I go, “Hello to you.” [laughter] They go, “Where should we sit?” I go, “Try one of the chairs.” [laughter] And they go, “We would like to color.” I go, “Please.” [laughter] And then they sit down and they fucking color.
An hour later, I can go into that room and they’re like… [humming pleasantly] [laughter] I go, “That’s nice.” “Where are my boys?” [laughter] “Are they in the house?” “Are they on the house?” [laughter] “Are they… Oh, they’re on the street. Fantastic.” I go out, like, “What the hell are you guys doing?” And they’re like, “We broke all the crayons…” [laughter] “…and we put ’em in the mailbox.” And I go…
“Thank you. Thanks for doing that.”
[cheers and applause]
[audience member whistles]
My six-year-old, he goes, “What would you do if a bad guy took your stuff?” [crowd chuckles] “Would ask him to give it back. I don’t know.” He goes, “I would get a sword.” [laughter] “I would cut him into pieces.” [laughter continues] “And I’d put the pieces in the mailbox.” I’m like… [laughter] “What are you doing with the mailbox, Dahmer?” [laughter] He goes, “You know Grandpa liked a full bush?” I go, “Hey…” [uproarious laughter] “Did he call you? How do you know?”
[audience member whistles]
[man shouts indistinctly]
My kids call me Tom. [laughter] So unnerving. Every day, the older one’s like… [gravelly] “How you doing, Tom?” I go, “Hey, I’m not your fuckin’ stepdad, all right?”
[scattered cheering] “I wish I was. It’d be a lot easier. But I’m not.”
I go, “Call me Dad.” He goes, “I like Tom.” I’m like, “All right.” “What is up with your voice? You smoke cigarettes? Why do you talk like that?” The kid sounds like he fixes Harleys all day, but… [laughter] …he’s really just obsessed with the decades-old video game, Pac-Man. And he has Pac-Man questions morning, noon, and night. He woke me up at three in the morning. Let’s be clear. He doesn’t know how to wake somebody up. All right? He stood an inch from my face… [laughter] The most menacing way somebody can wake you up. He just goes, “Hey, Tom!” I was like, “Holy shit!” [laughter] “What?!”
He’s like, “What would happen… if Pac-Man needed a house?” I’m like, “What the… What?!” [laughter] He thinks I didn’t understand the question. [laughter] So he slows it down. For me. [laughter] He goes… [enunciated dramatically] “What would hap-pen… if…” I go, “He’d call a realtor.” I’m having a heart attack, all right? [laughter] “Pac-Man would get a loan and buy a house.” He’s like, “Okay, I’m going to bed.” I’m like, “All right. I’ll be up for three days. Thanks.” [laughter] [man whoops] At the same time, I have a monitor on the nightstand for the little guy. This dude stands up in bed and he goes, “What was that?” [laughter] So now I drag my ass into his room. He’s standing there with his gut out. You know they’re like…
I’m like, “Do you own a Chevron? Why do you stand like that, dude?” [laughter] I go, “What?” He goes, “What was that?” I go, “What was what?” He goes, “That.” I go, “What’s that?” He goes, “What was that?” “I don’t know what you’re asking.” [laughter] He goes, “Was that the choo-choo?” I said, “What?” He goes… [exasperatedly] “Was it a choo-choo?” [crowd chuckling]
He said it like, “Are you stupid enough…”
[laughter] “…to turn our trains on without the conductor at the helm?” I go, “No.” He goes, “So, what was it?” I go, “I don’t know.” I said, “Maybe it was a choo-choo.” He goes, “Yeah. Don’t do that.”
I was like, “Oh.”
[laughter] “All right, al-Qaeda boss, go back in your cave.” [laughter fades to soft murmuring] He’s one of those kids that only laughs at real anger. I don’t know if you’ve ever met one of those peaches, but… See, most two and three-year-olds, they laugh at manufactured anger. Performative anger. You can go up to a kid that age and just go, “Rarrr. And they’re like…” [giggles joyfully] And this kid’s like, “Mm-mmm.” “I wanna see your blood pressure spike, man.” [laughter] The hardest I’ve ever seen him laugh, it’s not even close, is when he flushed my car keys down the toilet. [audience exclaims] It was my fault, I guess. I didn’t hang them up. I put them on the coffee table that I also bought. And… [laughter] I was laying on the couch. You know, it was a long day. I see his little ass come in the room, see the keys, and he’s like… [laughter] And I go, “No. Don’t.” And he picks them up and he goes, “Chase me.” [laughter] “Down the hall.” [laughter] I go, “Okay.” I give him a head start. He’s three. [laughter continues] When I stand up, I see him dip into the bathroom. I’m like… “No.” [laughter] And when I get there… [imitates toilet flushing] And I lose my shit. [laughter] I don’t yell at him. I’m just yelling at my life.
[laughter] I’m like, “Fuck!” [laughter continues] “No!” “Fuck!” And when I turn, he’s like, “That’s what I’m talking about.”
[loud cheering, applause] [audience member whistles]
“You’re a very funny guy.”
[laughter] Fuckin’ kicked him in the chest.
[chuckles softly] God, those little shits. I took a shower with the, uh, six-year-old. He’s six, he’s not 16.
[laughter] If you’ve never showered with a six-year-old, let me give you some advice: make sure it’s yours.
[laughter] It’s strange if you’re like, “What’s your name?” [laughter] He’s my son. And I wanted to, you know… I was trying to be like a fun dad. I… I offered him the showerhead. I thought it was a fun, in-the-moment thing. I go, “Do you wanna hold the showerhead?” And he was like, “Yeah.” [laughter] I give it to him. He just starts cleaning the shower. He’s like… [laughter] So, you know, after a minute, I’m like, “Can you wet me?” [laughter] And he goes, “Tom, relax. All right?”
[scattered applause, cheering]
Then he looks up at me. He goes… [gravelly] “You have a big penis.” [laughter] “And I have a small one.” [laughter] I go, “Well, that’s ’cause mine’s hard, buddy.” [uproarious laughter]
[cheers and applause] “We can make yours hard too. Just gotta go like…” [audience exclaims, laughs] [hushed murmurs, chatter]
[laughter] [laughingly] I did not jerk off my son. [laughter] I just always wanted to say that. Uh… [laughter] [sputters, laughs] [laughter] The truth is… The truth is, he really did say, “You have a big penis. And I have a small one.” And what I really said, immediately, and I mean in a split second of him saying that, I went… [gutturally] “No!” [laughter] And if you’re like, “Why did you shout, ‘No’?” I think because in that split second I thought, “I don’t want this to be some shit you start saying when we’re out.” [laughter] I don’t wanna be in a store where he’s like, “Do you have a big penis?” I’ll be like… “Yeah.” [laughter] “You know how it is.” Guy’s like, “I don’t know how it is.” “What the fuck was that all about?” [crowd chuckling] The worst part is that I scared him. When I shouted. That’s a terrible feeling. You see fear register on your kid’s face because of your overreaction. And I wanted to say the right thing. Or whatever the right thing is to say in that situation. Which I suppose would’ve been something like, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You made an observation.” “I shouldn’t have shouted. I’m sorry. Do you need therapy?”
“I love you, man.” You know…
[laughter] But it was all happening so quickly that I didn’t know what to say. So the fuckin’ best I could come up with? I went, “No!” “Just… shh.” [laughter] Now he’s totally confused. [crowd chuckling] He goes… [whispers] “You have a big penis.” [laughter] “I have a small one.” [laughter continues] I go, “Well, don’t fuckin’ tell anybody.” He goes, “Did Grandpa have a big penis?” I go, “I don’t remember. Haven’t seen it in a long time.” [laughter] “Let’s go ask Grandma.” [laughter continues] And we did. [scattered cheers] And he didn’t. [laughter]
[audience member whistles]
For the record,
neither do I.
[laughter] I wanna make that perfectly clear to everybody here. I do not have a big penis. But… next to a six-year-old… [laughter] …I got a fuckin’ sledgehammer on me. Pretty proud of it.
[whistling] [snorts, splutters] [two thudding slaps] [chokes] You almost broke the fuckin’ stage, dude. [laughter] [sighs] The truth is this. I’m just, uh… I’m happy to be doing stand-up again and actually standing. Because not long ago, I had a sports-related injury. I don’t know if you know this or not. Um… [crowd cheering] Well… If you don’t know, I will try to say this with a straight face. Uh… I, Tom, the guy you see standing up here, I was severely injured whilst participating in a slam-dunk contest.
[scattered cheers and applause]
Um… On a slightly-lowered rim. Now… It was wild. If you don’t know, I tore my patellar tendon… [exhales swiftly] …right there. Which, you know, whatever. [chuckles] [laughter] Happened to Klay Thompson, happened to me. It happens to us. But… [laughter] I’m not Klay Thompson, so I also broke this arm. And… It’s all captured on video that I find very not funny, but a lot of people enjoy it.
I have to tell people, “I didn’t laugh a lot that night.” And they’re like, “Really?” Yeah. There is one exchange that I do like to share, and it is this. Immediately after I was hurt, I was in the emergency room. And I was badly hurt. I had a shattered arm, a leg that didn’t function. And they were prepping me for the operating room. And at that time, a trauma surgeon came into that room and he looked at my x-rays and he goes, “Car accident?” [laughter] And I got to lay there and go… [quietly] “Dunk contest.” [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
And he goes, “What was that? What did you just say?” And I go, “Slam motherfuckin’ dunk contest.” [laughter] He goes, “Did a car hit you while you were dunking?” [laughter] I said, “Why don’t you do your fuckin’ job, all right?” Some people don’t know this, I was in the hospital for three weeks. That’s a long time. I don’t think I would’ve made it through if it weren’t for my dear, dear friend,
[laughter] [scattered cheers] Yeah. I did not realize that I have been fucking around with weed all these years… [scattered cheering] …when narcotics is where it’s at. All right?
That shit is electric. And… if anybody ever offers you an oxy, say, “Hit me two times.” Because… they’re amazing and nothing bad’ll happen to you. [laughter] Nah, your life will fall apart, but it’ll feel good while it’s happening. The only downside really is that you’ll never shit… again.
[laughter] I took my first shit eight days after I started eating those. I was scared. I called in the doctor. I was like, “I have an arm that doesn’t work, a leg that doesn’t work.” “How do I lean? How do I wipe myself?” He goes, “Don’t worry about it.” “One of the nurses will do it.” And I was like, “Okay.” [laughter] And then a fuckin’ male nurse came in the room. [laughter] They’re allowed to have the job too. And… [crowd chuckling] This dude stood at the door and threw a pack of wipes. [laughter] I go, “What’s that?” He said, “The doctor said you need to clean yourself.” And I went… [chuckles devilishly] [uproarious laughter] “You’re gonna do it.” And I saw a grown professional nurse
just go, “Ah, fuck.” Like…
[laughter] He quit. I saw him quit his job. Isn’t that crazy? Now… Five days later, I had my second movement, and they sent in an old-lady nurse, which is fine. But she talked the whole time. Do you know how terrible…? You’re vulnerable. Like… [whimpers] She’s back there, like, “How we gonna clean up all this stool?”
I’m like, “I don’t know. Shut up.”
[laughter] And she goes, “My, my, my.” “You have so much hair back here.” And I’m like… “Yeah, I do it for my dad.”
You know, like…
[cheers and applause]
What? I mean… I like to picture him up in heaven, looking down. “Look at that hair on my son. Isn’t that nice?” God’s with him. “That is nice.” [laughter] I picture my dad naked. You know? [laughs] I… [laughter] I picture everybody in heaven nak… I don’t think you’re in heaven, “What shirt should I wear today?” I think people are naked. I think God’s naked. I think after a while it makes sense that my father would notice that God has a fuckin’ piece on him. You know? It’s God. I think it’s enormous. And glorious. I think it’s blue.
And I think…
[laughter] …it has a golden hue around it. I think after a while, my dad would go, “Can I touch that?” [laughter] And God’s like, “Of course.” “You are one of my children.” [chuckles] [laughter] [laughter swells] Then he goes, “Thanks. That was neat.” [laughter] And then God says, “Do you want to see it snow?” [imitates sexual moaning] [laughter] That’s what snow is. You didn’t know that? Snowing. Good. I hope I ruined snow for you. Now… [laughter] It took me six months of pretty intense rehab, PT and OT. Shout-out to all the PTs and OTs in the world working with people.
Well, they worked with me so that I could move around again normally and naturally. And then this always gets me, you guys. Seven months to the day, to the day, after I was injured, I was at home. I was asleep. It was two o’clock in the morning. And I heard my wife scream, but, like, a real scream. You know, like… [muted panicked screaming] So I took a pillow, I turned, and I covered this ear. Right? [laughter] “I am trying to sleep.” And then she starts calling me out by name. She’s like, “Tom?” “Tom?” And I go, “Goddammit.”
“This sounds real.” So I got up, I made myself something to eat. [laughter] Poured a drink. And I was like, “All right.” “Let’s go find her.” [laughter] Now, it’s 2:00 a.m. I… I can’t see anything. I’m just following her cries for help. And I finally find her sitting at the bottom of the stairs. And I go, “What are you doing?” She goes, “I think I sprained my ankle.” [laughter] I turn the light on, and I see that the bone that should be like this…
[clicks tongue] …is like that.
[audience groans] And I go, “That… [laughingly] …is not a sprain.” [laughter] “I’m sure of it.” [laughter] And she goes, “What should I do?” I said, “You should do nothing.” “I will call 911.” [laughter] I have to confess I was very, very excited to call 911. [laughter] Have you ever been excited to call? Like, “Finally, a good one.” You know? Like… “This is why we play the game.” I call. The operator goes, “911.” And I’m so amped up, I go, “Get fuckin’ ready.”
[scattered applause] He’s like, “Okay.” [laughter continues] He goes, “You need police, fire, or paramedic?” I go, “Paramedic!” “But send ’em all!” And he was like, “What happened?” And I was like, “Ooh.” [laughter] And I realize that while what I’m about to say is true, it sounds…
[laughter] But I gotta say it. So I’m like, “My wife fell down the stairs.” [loud laughter]
[cheers and applause]
The operator goes, “Uh-huh.” [laughter] He goes, “How’d that happen?” I was like, “I don’t fuckin’ know.” [laughter] He goes, “Was she alone?” I’m like, “Do I need to talk to a lawyer?” [laughter] Four paramedics show up. I open the door. They go, “What happened?” I go, “You know the deal.” [laughter] “My wife fell down the stairs.” And they go, “How’d it happen?” I go, “I do not know.” They’re like, “Was she alone?” I go, “Talk to my lawyer. He’s on the phone right now.” [crowd chuckling] Then they start tending to her. Like, they put her leg in a brace. You know? Start giving her an IV. I lean over to her and I have a private conversation as you sometimes do. I go, “Hey, I wanna tell you something.” “I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to here.” [laughter] “I feel like everybody’s implying I had something to do with this.” “And I don’t like it.” And then I walked away. And a few moments later, she decided to make an announcement. [crowd chuckles] Unprompted. She goes, “Guys?” And they all turn. And she goes, “He would never hurt me.”
And I’m like…
“What are you doing?” [scattered cheers] She goes, “We’ve been together a long time.” “And if you think he did this, he didn’t.” I go, “Shut the fuck up.” [laughter] “Or I will kill you.”
Then we get to the hospital. Doctor’s like, “What happened?” I go, “I punched her in the mouth and she fell down the stairs.” [laughter]
And he goes, “I get it, man. I get it.”
[laughter] “She’s super chatty.” I go, “I know.” [laughter continues] “You should see her at home.” No, she’s doing better now. She learned. She gets it, you know.
“Sandwich at 6:00.” All right. So…
[crowd chuckling] She came to a show and saw me tell that story, and she was like, “Can you imagine if you had hit me?” And I was like, “Uh… yeah.” [laughter] Don’t feel bad for her, okay? I’m serious. I just did her a huge solid. She asked me to do this and I did it. She asked me to get a vasectomy and I did it.
So I got snipped. Yeah.
[women cheering] See? The women always cheer and there’s always one guy that boos. [laughter] Like he wanted my full load all up inside of him. [laughter] Listen, if you’re a guy and you’re thinking about doing it, do it. It’s a routine procedure. You will be nervous the morning of. It’s your balls.
You lay on a table. It’s very cold.
It’s, like, 400 below zero. And…
[laughter] They pull up your dress very dramatically. They’re like, “What’s going on down here?” [laughter] Your dick just stares at you, like, “How could you?” You know? [laughter] But it’s over in 15 minutes, which I think is remarkable. And then you go back a week later for the follow-up. And the follow-up is just a urologist checking you out. Goes, “All right, drop your shorts.” Like, “All right…” [inquisitive humming] [laughter]
[laughter] He goes, “Yeah, it tastes the same.” You know? [laughter] [audience murmuring, chuckling] He says, “I’m gonna give you your homework.” Those are his words. “I’m gonna give you your homework.” I go, “What’s my homework?” He goes, “Go home, ejaculate 20 times.” “Bring in your 21st sample in this cup, and we’ll test it and let you know if you’re clear.” I was like, “That ain’t shit.” You know?
I do my homework all the time, baby. So…
[cheering] He goes to leave, but he stops at the door. He goes, “Oh! I almost forgot to tell you.” “Take your time.” And I said, “I was gonna.” [laughter] And then he says, “Sometimes I forget to tell people.” Which tells me that some people have returned rather quickly. [laughter] With their assignment. So I immediately ask him. I go, “What’s the fastest anyone’s done 20 ejaculations?” [laughter] He goes, “48 hours.”
And I was like…
[audience groans] “That motherfucker can keep that record. I don’t want anything to do with that.” [laughter]
“That’s the champ champ right there.”
[laughter] I went home and took another week off. I was black and blue. I was sore. Like, “All right.” But after the week, it’s time to get going. I started slowly, you know. I was like… [laughter] “Wake up.” Didn’t feel the same. It was strange. Different. You know? I could feel the system turning on. You know what it reminded me of? You know when you run the heat for the first time in the winter? And you’re like, “This smells weird, man.” Like… [laughter] I could feel it building up. And I could not get this one intrusive thought out of my head, which was, “It’s just gonna be blood that comes out.” [audience groans]
I didn’t want it to be.
[laughter] I just kept thinking it. So now I’m jerking off all scared. Like… [exaggerated whimpering]
[sorrowfully] “It’s gonna be blood!”
[laughter] But I pushed through. I kept going. And… [laughter] …when it finally did go, it wasn’t blood. And in relief, I laughed. [crowd chuckles] So my first jack back was me going…
[cheers and applause continuing]
Instagram took it down, but it’s on my OnlyFans
if you wanna see it.
[laughter] Six bucks a month. Now… The only thing, uh, that could deal with that specific type of pain when I had the vasectomy was eating edibles. You know? I had to eat edibles every day for that achy, weird pain. Yeah. I always feel like I have to confess to people immediately when I tell them, like, that I like edibles, and that is because I am a lightweight and I like mild edibles.
Some people wanna eat edibles…
You know, yeah. And… Some people wanna peek into the third dimension casually every day. [cheering] That’s not me. All right? I like five and ten milligrams,
People mock me and they call me “10 Milligram Tom”
and this bullshit.
[laughter] Yell it to me on the street. Like, “Are you eating your baby edibles?” And I go, “Yes. Because I like to be able to speak.”
“Is that crazy to you?”
[scattered cheers] “You don’t know people that like a couple beers?” Is it always, “I like to drink 36.” “Okay. Good for you, Bert.”
“Have a great night.” So…
[guffaws mockingly] [laughter]
[scattered cheers and applause]
[mockingly] “I’m the mechanic!” Or whatever. [laughter] [crowd cheering] Yeah. [cheering continues] Bert. [audience member whistles] Well… “We forgot how the story goes. Tell it again.” Now…
[chortles] That’s my bestie. [laughter] Speaking of friends, you never… I wanna make this clear. If you drink, if you smoke, if you inject things into your eyeballs, you never have to worry about strangers. Never push the myth that a stranger might be culpable in getting you fucked up. People say it, like, “What if a stranger spikes my drink?” “What if a stranger hands me a joint and it’s laced?” Guess what? It’ll never be a stranger. It’ll be one of your friends. Okay?
Your friends will fuck you the hardest. [laughter] I know this firsthand. I have a bunch of really cool friends. Um… I found out on this tour that one of my friends was in the same city as I was in on the same night. Very rare in this line of work. I was in Miami. I find this out. I cancel our dinner plans. I drive across town. I walk into this club and I see my good friend. Some of you know him. He’s a comedian and podcaster. His name is Joey Diaz.
[resounding cheers] [audience member whistles] [cheers fade] If you’re here and don’t know who that is, please allow me to describe him to you. [laughter] Joey is a very funny man. He’s a… He’s a comedian. He’s 60 years old. He’s a Cuban immigrant. Uh, he weighs 295. And… he sort of looks like if somebody was making a person and then they left him under a heat lamp for like 15 minutes. [crowd groans, chuckling] As a side note, I feel like I should point out he was addicted to cocaine and heroin for 20 years. I think that’s relevant to the story. Now… [crowd chuckling] Joey’s very affectionate. I get to this place and he gives me a great big hug. And the first thing he says to me, he goes, “I got you something.” [crowd chuckles] I go, “You got me something? What did you get me?” He goes, “I know you like your tens. You’re 10 Milli Tom.” [laughter] “I got you some tens.” And I go, “No, you didn’t.” [laughter] He goes, “I did.” I go, “No, you didn’t.” He goes, “Why are you saying that?” “‘Cause you’re a liar and a bad person.”
“You’re lying right now.”
[laughter] He goes, “No, I’m not.” I go, “Sure you are.” And he has a jar, and he pours five gelcaps into his hand. And he goes, “These are tens.” And I go, “Bullshit.” [laughter] And then he goes…
[laughter] Eats all five. Like they’re Skittles. [laughter] So then I go, “Huh. Maybe they are tens.”
[scattered applause] I said, “I would like one.” I put it on my tongue. I take a sip of water. As it goes down, I look at him. He goes, “Oh!” [laughter] I go, “How much did I just take?” And he goes, “Ten.”
And he just walks out of the room.
[laughter] I’m watching him perform. You know, 30 minutes in, I have a buzz. When the show’s over, I am out… of my goddamn mind. [laughter] I am vibrating like a tuning fork. I’m like… [imitates pulsing vibration] [laughter] I can’t open my eyes. I’m like… [laughter] I have to put my hand on a man’s shoulder to guide me across the room.
[laughter] I go… [clenched] “Joey, we gotta get the fuck outta here.” And we do. Do you know where we go? To the airport. Yay. [laughter] Let’s have a panic attack in a tube in the sky. I’m walking through Miami International Airport freaking people the fuck out. All right? You know why? I forget how to walk. I forget how to walk. I can’t figure out the fuckin’ body scanner thing. I’m like… [snickers] [laughter] [nervously] “Can you hear my heartbeat too?”
I’m sweating, but I’m cold. You know? Asking everyone for blankets, like, “Do you have a blanket?” “I want a blanket!” They’re like, “You’re on the toilet. Get the fuck outta here.” [laughter] I pass out in a meditative state. On this flight. I do. Then I just wake up scared. You ever wake up just terrified? Like, I sit up and I’m like, “Ah!” [laughter] “Why am I a bad person?” [laughter] And I do something I’ve never done. A flight attendant passes down the aisle, and as she passes, I grab her arm. Hard. Like I’m gonna put it on my dick. Like, I grab it. [laughter] And she’s stunned. So she goes…
[laughter] And I’m so fucked up, I go, “Wait, how come? Do you know?” [raucous laughter] “Why are we alive?” And she’s like, “What? What?” Now luckily I have a decent friend with me, Shaun. He interjects, goes, “He took an Ambien.” She’s like, “Okay.” She just keeps going down the aisle. [laughter] Now he’s worried about me, so he wakes Joey up. He goes, “Joey!” And Joey’s like, “What?” He goes, “What did you give Tom?” He goes, “I gave him 200 milligrams.” [audience exclaims, laughs] “Dipped in hash oil.” [audience exclaiming] I go… [slurred] “Why you do that to me?” [laughter] He goes, “You’re gonna see the devil now, bitch.” [laughter]
[resounding cheers and applause]
[audience member whistles]
I go, “I think I’m fuckin’ looking at him.” [laughter] And let’s rewind, by the way. He took five. He’s on a thousand milligrams. Like… [yawns] “What are you doing tomorrow?” “I’m going to the hospital tomorrow. What are you doing?” Psycho. [crowd chuckling] But listen to me. If you have never been surprise megadosed,
it is horrific.
[laughter] It is a harrowing, panic-induced terror ride. And so a few weeks ago, I did it to my mother. Uh…
[scattered cheers, applause]
I did. I was visiting her. She’s alone. She knows I eat them at night. I’ve told her they help me sleep, which they do. And she calls them “gummies.” So… She comes up to me and she’s like… [slightly accented] “Are you going to have a gummy tonight?” And I go, “Yes.” She goes, “May I have one?” And I was like… [laughs] “Yeah.” [laughter] I give her one because I take one. And one gets me high, so I’m like, “This is gonna peel back her wig.” You know? [laughter] I sit around with her for a couple hours. Then I ask her, “How do you feel?” She goes… [with emphasis] “I feel nothing.” [laughter] Like, “Really?” She goes, “Yes.” I go, “All right. I don’t know. Go to bed, you fuckin’ savage.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
[laughter] The next day, it’s evening and she comes up to me again. [mimics accent] “May I have another gummy tonight?” I go, “You had one yesterday. You didn’t feel anything.”
She goes, “Maybe I should take two.”
[laughter] [clicks tongue] “Maybe you should.” [laughter] I give her two. We hang out. And again, I ask her, “How do you feel?” She goes… [with emphasis] “I feel nothing.” I’m like, “Really?” She goes, “Should I take two more?” I said, “Hey, Pablo, you might wanna keep it in first for a minute.” [laughter] She goes, “You don’t think so?” I go, “Actually, I do think so. Here. Here’s two more.” I give it to her. She eats them. And then she says, “I’m going to bed.” I go, “All right.” She goes to her room. I go to the guest room. A few minutes later… [crowd chuckles] …I receive a series of text messages that I have since memorized. [laughter] The first one says, “Tommy, I am fizzing.” [laughter] F-I-Z-Z… I-N-G. I write back, “Sounds cool.” [laughter] ‘Cause who the fuck is like, “I’m fizzing right now”? [laughter]
[scattered applause, cheers]
“We out here fizzing tonight, baby.” I don’t know what that is. She writes back, “My heart rate is 125.” [crowd chuckles] “Oh, I am spinning.” So I write, “LOL.” I think she’s having fun. [laughter] Then she writes, “Please come now. I don’t feel well.” I go into her room
and my mother is seated upright.
[laughter] In b… That is an alarming look. For an elderly woman? Most of them lay down or lean. She’s just in bed, like… [laughter] I go, “Are you okay?” She goes… [hoarsely] “No.” [laughter] So I take her out to the patio. I’m thinking, “Fresh air.” You know? It’s clear immediately that we are in for a ride. [laughter] The first thing she does, she goes…
[smacks lips rapidly]
[laughter] [mimics accent] “My lips!” “They are stuck together.” [laughter]
I go, “I’ll get you some water.” [crowd chuckling] And she goes, “Why am I hungry?” [laughter]
I said, “‘Cause it’s working.”
[laughter] And she goes, “The dog was here. The dog is gone?” And I go, “Oh my God.” [laughter] I start to laugh so… destructively hard. [laughter] It… It is not, “Ha-ha-ha.” It is a deep, primal… I’m watching my 77-year-old mother get high. I’m not laughing, my nervous system is shutting down, all right? [laughter] I mean, I’m watching her look at sounds. You know, she’s like… [laughter] It hurts. It hurts how hard… My esoph… I’m like… [raspy exhaling] As I’m laughing, I look at her. And at one moment, her face contorts. Her face goes… [laughter] And she looks at me. And she goes, “Tomorrow, your laughter will be tears on my corpse.”
And I’m like…
[audience exclaims] “What?!” She goes, “It’s the perfect murder.” [laughter] “Nobody will know it was you.” My lungs invert at this point. And I have tears streaming down my face. She’s so high, she thinks my laughter is confirming her thoughts. [laughter] She starts to legit plead for her life. [laughter continues] She goes, “Tommy, please!” “Please!” “Don’t kill me!” [laughter] “I am your mother!” [laughter continues] I fuckin’ pass out in a chair. I’m like… [grunts] [laughter]
I wake. I don’t even know where the fuck I am. It’s morning. I walk into the kitchen at the same time as her. I go, “Hey, Mom.” And she doesn’t say anything. I’m like, “Oh, shit.” She just walks over to the coffee maker and she goes… [sucks teeth]
“I know you tried to kill me last night.”
[clamorous laughter] “It was very clever.” [laughter continues] “But I am still here, Tommy.” [laughter] I go, “I didn’t try to kill you.” She goes, “Oh yes, you did.” So I leave for the day. I come back later. I go, “Look, I owe you an apology.” “I should not have let you eat that much. I’m sorry.” She goes, “It’s okay. I forgive you.” I’m like, “Really? Thank you. Makes me feel better.” She goes, “I want to tell you one thing.” And I go, “What?” She goes, “I want another gummy tonight.” And I go, “What?” She eats them every day now.
She’s doing coke. She grew her bush out.
[laughter] She’s fuckin’ the neighbors.
She’s living her best life.
[cheering] If you ever meet her, give her drugs. Thank you guys very much for coming out. Have a great night.
[“Now You’re Mine” by Gang Starr plays]
[extended cheering and applause]
♪ Yo, Duke, you’re dead wrong You’ll never have the skills like mine ♪
♪ I write the ill type rhymes Now I’m reaching my prime ♪
♪ 360 dunk in your face ♪
♪ You can’t compete You’re just a basketcase ♪
♪ Let’s separate the men from the boys ♪
♪ And put your money where your mouth is No time for toys ♪
♪ Your game is weak, you geek So don’t sleep ♪
♪ ‘Cause I’ll be checking and wrecking ya When I start to creep ♪
♪ Through the back door I know I caught you out there ♪
♪ You got no clout here And I doubt there ♪
♪ Is any way that you can stop The beatdown ♪
♪ You ought to play the background And sit back down ♪
♪ Chumps like you I gotta keep ’em in line ♪
♪ So prepare to suffer, boy ♪
♪ ‘Cause now you’re mine ♪
[electric guitar riff plays]
[man] I left a wallet there.
[gentle ambient music plays]