Tom Papa: Human Mule (2016) – Transcript

Veteran comedian, Tom Papa, returns to Epix in "Human Mule" with a refreshingly positive take on fighting for survival in an increasingly chaotic world.
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Tom Papa: Human Mule (2016)

aired December 2016

[plodding music]

Please welcome to the stage Tom Papa.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[cheers and applause continue]

Cleveland. Thank you so much. You guys look great. Cleveland, Ohio.

[crowd cheering]

That’s why I’m here: good people, the best people. So great. Good to see you. Thank you for coming out. Look at you.

[cheers and applause]

Look at you. You made a little plan for yourself. And you stuck with it. You didn’t cancel. I know you wanted to cancel. I know it. I know it. I almost did too.

[laughter]

Texting each other, “We still gonna go to the thing?” “Yeah. Don’t you want to go?” “No, I do. I’m just seeing if there’s any weakness on your part.” I will tear this night down.

[laughs] [applause]

Be home with my pants off all night. That’s all you want. You just want to be home with your pants off. Oh, it’s the best feeling in the world. And you only get it if you cancel. Oh, there’s no better feeling in the world than canceling. Oh! It’s the best! Just going from “I have to do something” to “I’m not doing anything.” Oh, what a dream. Canceling dinner plans with another couple? Oh, heaven. “You think we can cancel on ’em?” “Yes. “I don’t have to listen to him talk or watch her chew. Yes.” Oh, canceling the gym? Oh, that one’s sweet. You don’t even have to call anyone. Just do it in your head. “I’m not going.” Done.

[applause]

Oh, it’s the best. Snow days? Remember snow days? Oh! It’s the best. God canceling everything on everybody. More powerful than your parents. “I want to go to school, but I can’t. God won’t let us.”

[laughter]

Yeah, it’s a hard thing, not to cancel, and you didn’t cancel, and you made it, and it means a lot, and I thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Sincerely. What else you gonna do, really? What are you gonna do, stay home? Watch the news? Watch more news? You gonna watch more news? That’s a treat. Now, are you scared? Are you guys scared? Everybody’s scared now. Are you scared? Yeah? ‘Cause you watch too much news. Turn it off. Go to a show. Look, some things are scary. I’ll give it to you. Uh, no grown-ups left, that’s kind of scary. There’s no one left to fight the bad guys. There’s adult coloring books now. Adult coloring books. And they’re popular. I saw a man–a man– a grown man– on the floor of an airport. A man laying on his stomach on the floor of an airport, just coloring, just– Why even wear pants? Why? You’re not a man. You’re a baby man. My friend’s like, “No, Tom, you don’t understand. “They are adult. I have one. It’s a ‘Game of Thrones’ coloring book.” My apologies. I thought it was something childish, like “The Hobbit.” I didn’t know it was “Game of Thrones.” That must be hard, with all the snow in that show. Having to use the white crayon? You never really know if it’s working or not. No one can deal. How about these people with the fake service dogs? You see these creeps? Fake service– there’s real service dogs that help real people. Then a girl shows up with a Pekinese sticking out of a Hello Kitty handbag and acts like it’s working. And how little do you have to think of yourself to scam a certificate and show it at the gate? “I have to have this puppy with me on this flight, or I’m gonna lose my marbles.” “Oh, by all means. Welcome aboard.” What could possibly go wrong with your crazy ass… at 40,000 feet? I got on a flight the end of last year. There was a woman next to me. I’m not making any of this up. Middle seat. She turned to me, and she had a Chihuahua in a BabyBjorn. I swear to–head, penis, legs, and dog arms. The look of humiliation in this animal’s face… He was just like, “I apologize. “We normally walk. “We’ve been walking up till now. “I’m gonna have to get pants. “This is upsett– I can’t reach.”

[laughs]

[sighs] Look, it’s easy to scare human beings. We scare easy. We’re a timid creature, you know? We–my wife is one of those people that gets frightened in restaurants if you don’t give her exact directions to the bathroom. You have these people in your life? “Where is it? Where?” “It’s back there, to the right.” “But where? Has anyone gone? Has anyone gone?” “No, just follow a wall. You’ll get there.” Seriously, has anyone not come back? Has anyone not come back? “I miss Grandpa.” “Me too.” “We shouldn’t have taken him to the Applebee’s and let him go by himself.”

[laughs]

Look, you get scared, but keep your eye on the ball. You know, you have to have perspective. Are you afraid of ISIS? You think ISIS is coming to your house? Are they coming to your house? No. Keep your eye on the ball. There’s so many other ways you could die.

[laughter]

You drove here tonight. You made it here. You still got to get back. These roads are crazy. You should be scared of moms in Honda Odysseys. That’s who you should be scared of, not some guy dressed up like a ninja from Party City running around Yemen. Keep it in perspective. Look, life is stressful. It’s hard being a human being. It’s hard. It’s hard getting through life. I understand. I had a hard day today as well. My whole day today was spent trying not to eat nachos. That was my whole day. No, they’re bad for me, I shouldn’t eat them, and I can’t stop. And I ate them again. I ate them again. Gas station nachos today.

[crowd groans]

Oh, back off. Your fancy Cleveland farm-to-table nacho attitude.

[cheers and applause]

You think a drug addict cares where he gets his drugs? No. He just gets them, and he puts them in his body. Look, I’m not an animal. I didn’t wake up and say, “I’m eating nachos today.” I woke up. I said, “No, today’s the day. No nachos. We’re not doing it.” But that’s a different guy making those decisions. That’s Morning Tom who says those things. Oh, no, you’d like Morning Tom. He’s a winner. He’s a winner. Oh, Morning Tom, he puts on workout clothes, returns emails, makes fruit smoothies. Fruit smoothies. Gets a blender, puts in protein powder. Neeeeeeeee! Stare down my weak family eating Fruit Loops. Neeeeeeee! “You guys are losers. You know that, right? “All three of you. You’re looking at a winner right here.” We all are in the morning. There’s a different you coming out right now. In the morning, you’re clear-eyed and focused. That’s why you never hit on anyone in the morning. You got to wait till late at night, when they’re confused and tired. They got to lay down somewhere; might as well be with you.

[cheers and applause]

No one has ever gotten laid in the history of mankind at the breakfast buffet. “I’ll be back for waffles.” But that’s okay. That’s all right, you know? Problem is, morning time doesn’t last very long. Passes out around 2:00. And the guy that wakes up in his place is a very different guy. He is not a winner. That guys is not–he’s an alcoholic, is what he is. Takes that same blender and fills it up with margarita mix and tequila.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

[laughs]

Now my kids are looking at me. “Who’s the loser now?” Drunk at 3:00. And he’s a liar. He’ll say anything to get me to drink, anything. “Come on. Just have one. “Have one. You deserve it. You deserve it.” That’s all I got to hear. “Yeah, you’re right. I do deserve it. “Yeah, I worked hard this week. I fixed the toilet too. “You don’t hear that running anymore, no. “I did that. “I took the lid off the back. “I put my hand in that creepy water. “I touched the chain with the grass on it. “I did that. “And it’s fixed. “It’s gonna stay fixed… “as long as you use the other bathroom. “Just use the other toilet. I’m not sure what the hell I did.”

[laughs]

And then he–please. Then he just comes at you. “Come on. Come on. “If you have one, you gonna stop at one? “You can’t stop at one. You think Sinatra ever stopped at one?” “Yeah, you’re right. “I’m just like Sinatra too, “without the songs and the money. All right.” And then three hours later, I’m just wandering around my house drunk, with a phone in my hand. “I wonder if Panda Express makes nachos.” But that’s okay. You have to have perspective in your life. You have to enjoy yourself. You can’t work crazy all the time. What difference does it make? You got to enjoy yourself. You know, if you worked all the time, what would be different? Nothing. Nothing. At this point in your life, don’t you realize how much you’re going to affect the world? Don’t you realize…

[laughter]

What you’re going to accomplish? Calm down.

[cheers and applause]

Really. And that’s all right. Don’t compare yourself to the people who change the world. They’re freaks, genetic freaks. Steve Jobs, Edison– freaks. First of all, no sleep. No sleep. Three hours of sleep a night, those guys. Three. I’m out. I’m out. I need a lot of sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, “I don’t think I can get a nap today.” I don’t even know if I’m tired. I don’t even know if I slept last night. I haven’t even opened my eyes. I know I peed five times. I don’t know if I REM’d out at the end. And it’s not a lazy thing; it’s a genetic condition. I come from a long line of nappers. The Papa family naps. My whole childhood was waking up adults to ask them stuff. They would just lay around the living room like a pile of sea lions.

[laughter]

“Dad, Dad. “Dad. Can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “Grandma, Grandma, can I go to Keith’s house?” [long moan] “She moved her whiskers. That’s yes. Let’s go.”

[laughs]

And so what? So you don’t work all the time. What’s gonna happen? How’s your life gonna change? What, you’re not gonna be part of the super-rich? Is that what’s gonna happen? [muttering] First of all, that shouldn’t be a goal. It doesn’t change your life at all. And second of all, the list of people with all the money shrinks every year. It’s down to ten people now. In two years, it’s gonna be, like, Bob. Bob has all the money. Everybody, just sleep in. Take the whole summer off. Bob’s got all the money. And it shouldn’t be a goal. It’s just this abstract thing that you just keep chasing, you know? I’ve–personally, never a goal. I don’t need a lot of money. I can live a poet’s life. I really, sincerely could. Don’t need money. Don’t need stuff. Always giving it away. I could move every week. I really could. But, uh, I do not live alone. [chuckles] I’m married, and I have two children, and they are greedy, capitalist pigs.

[laughter and applause]

“More, more, more.” “Whaaa.” “I want food with every meal.” “Whaaa.” So I work hard. All my money goes to them. Every damn penny goes to these people. I live in a horrible school district in L.A. now, and it was either pay for school or guns and ammo. And they have no skills or coordination, so I’m paying for school. Goes against everything I believe in, but I’m paying for school. My only rule for paying for school is, I won’t pay for any school that is predominantly Asian. Why? Why would I pay all of that money for my kids to be last in everything? We can’t compete. These families are dominant. They kick ass. We can’t compete. They’re straight-A students. These kids play five instruments, five. They’re walking to school. They have an oboe and a violin and a drum kit. The dad’s pushing a baby grand piano across the parking lot. My kids play the toilet paper roll. Literally, we just walk around the house. [imitating horn playing music] “I think you got it, honey.” [imitating horn] “I don’t think you have to practice anymore. “Get some Pop-Tarts. Sit on the couch. Enjoy your life.” They beat us everywhere we go. I put the little one on the swim team. I figure we have a chance there, right? Let’s go to the pool. That’s an Asian-free zone. Let’s try it. Not anymore. They dominated every other sport. Now they’re at the pool. But my kid’s big. She’s got a back like Michael Phelps. I’m like, “We can take ’em. Come on. We can do this.” They hit the gun. Their kids took off like speed boats. My kid, two strokes, drowned right in their wake. We scooped her out, resuscitated her, put her right back on the couch. And we quit that night. We quit that night. She was like, “I thought we’re not allowed to quit things, Dad.” “Yeah, well, I’m not gonna be humiliated “like that again. “I’m not gonna ruin my Saturdays “and sit through that. “Yeah, you lay there “and think about what you might be good at, and we’ll try again.”

[laughs]

Now–so I’m not gonna be part of the super-rich, and I have news for you. Uh, you’re not either.

[laughter]

They don’t do this. They don’t come out to the ass end of Cleveland, sit in the dark, and listen to jokes.

[cheers and applause]

They do different things. They summer. They summer. They summer. Do you summer? I don’t summer. Summer happens, and I deal with it. Just stay in the shade and walk slow. No, they buy all white, a whole white wardrobe on Memorial Day to go summer. I can’t wear white. I bought a white shirt last year. I sweat through it in 20 minutes. It looked like I was smuggling turkey gravy under my armpits. Yeah, I should have thrown it out, but I spent 20 bucks for it at Old Navy. I’m gonna wear it. I just kept my arms in the reason of the season. No, we don’t summer. We don’t wear all white. My family doesn’t have parties in the middle of a wheat field. We don’t have a dining room table in the middle of a field where food just falls from the heavens and everyone’s beautiful and the dad stands up and quotes Shakespeare and everybody laughs, ’cause they get it. That is not my family. We go to my sister’s picnic table. We eat egg salad sandwiches. We push Grandma in the kiddie pool, and her tit pops out. That’s what we laugh at. That’s what we get. “Oh, Grandma, your titteth has poppethed out. To be or not to be in a home.” I say we keep her. She’s hilarious. Puts sponges in the toaster. Who does that?

[laughs]

Look, there’s nothing wrong with making money, right? You want to make money. You have to make money. I’m not saying you want to be poor. We’ve all been there, right? When I started comedy out of college, I made five bucks a night, five, in New York. I needed the money. It was fun times, but everything smelled like hot dogs, everything. I did. My girlfriend did. It was like, “Are we making hot dogs again?” “No, that’s us. We got to get jobs. This is not working out. We smell weird.” But how much is enough? You know what I mean? How much is enough? Do you really need a mansion? Who needs a mansion? Who needs a mansion? If you have 80 children, you should have a mansion, right? If you have 80 children, you need that square footage. You know what these places look like, ’cause they come in the beautiful real estate section of the Sunday paper, this beautiful magazine filled with mansions. Why? Why are you putting that in the poor people newspaper? Who’s couponing and looking for a mansion in the same paper?

[cheers and applause]

They always have those perfect kitchens, the beautiful island with a fruit bowl with a pyramid of perfect green apples. You eat one. A new one just appears out of nowhere, ’cause they have an apple boy. They have an apple boy. Just sits under the kitchen sink and waits. I’ve never even bought a fruit bowl. Have you ever bought a fruit bowl? No. You buy fruit. You need a bowl. You just pick it out of the other bowls. Congratulations, bowl. You’ve been nominated. Say good-bye to your friends. You’re the fruit bowl. And fruit isn’t even the main thing in the fruit bowl. It’s mostly car keys and pennies and garlic skin. One black banana from 1995. No one wants to pick it up, ’cause you know it’s gonna split. So if you have a lot of money and you help people, that’s one thing, but the culture’s devolved into this “I’m better than you” attitude just to have stuff. You know people in your family and friends who just mortgage it, lease it just to say, “I’m better than you,” even if they don’t have it. “Just look at what I have. “Look at my car. It’s newer than yours. “Look at my wife. She’s newer than yours. “She might be older, but she has all new parts. “Where do you shop? The regular supermarket? “That’s disgusting. “I can tell from your skin, “’cause it’s splotchy and gross. “No, I respect it. I just can’t do it. “I only shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. “That’s where I get my conflict-free M&Ms. Naaah. Naaah.” I’m done with the Whole Foods. I’m done with it. I like eating healthy. I do. But you have to be a billionaire to eat healthy? I’m not spending five bucks on an apple ’cause you thought it was a good idea to ship it from Vermont by bicycle. “Then where you gonna get your kale? How you gonna get your kale?” I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t even know what it is. My grandmother never made it. My mother never saw it. It just showed up, like, a week and a half ago. But it’s here now, and you got to eat it. Well, how do I know what it is? ‘Cause it takes like mulch, and you feel like a koala bear when you’re chewing on it. “Are you supposed to eat the stem? Oh, okay.” Hard to tell the eat part from the throw-out part. They get up to the register. They put on a whole show about their bags. “I have my own bags. “I want everyone here to know “I wouldn’t use their bags. “I am an angel sent from heaven. “I wove my own bags out of human hair and seaweed.” Get over yourself. These people have driven me to Costco. That’s the only place I shop now. I go to Costco. Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. No one acts like they’re better than you at Costco. Everyone knows exactly who they are at Costco. “I’m disgusting, and I need more stuff immediately. “And I’m making one trip. I brought the big car. This is my only weekend out.” There’s a sense of community when you go to Costco, right? You can’t go there by yourself. You can drive there alone. You’re gonna have to make some friends on your way in. You can’t get a 25-pound salami on your back by yourself. Trying to throw it in your cart like the Scottish strongman competition. The place is so massive, they got to hand out little samples in cups to keep up your strength. It’s like a white trash marathon in that place. “Here’s a fried baloney ball. You’re doing great.”

[applause]

“There’s fried chicken popsicles, aisle ten. You’ll get there by Tuesday if you keep up the pace.” [chuckles] You get to the register. No one’s talking about bags at Costco. They don’t even have bags. They have boxes with holes in it. “There was a dead pig in this yesterday. “I don’t know if that bothers you. “The cardboard’s a little wet. He was a bleeder.” And they know they’re not gonna live forever at Costco. They have coffins at the door. They literally sell coffins at the door, which sounds absurd until you look in your cart filled with Cheez-Its and Slim Jims. You’re like, “How much longer can I live like this? “Seriously? “You know what? Today’s the day. “I’m buying a coffin today. “You know what? Give me the coffin. “I’m gonna use it as my box. Put all my stuff in there.” Wheel it–

[laughs]

Look, I don’t even blame you if you’re one of the Costco people or the Whole Foods people. It’s not even up to you anymore, right? You go to a store once, they take so much information from you, you end up in this long-term relationship with these companies. Back off. I deal with human beings. That’s enough. I’m not dating you, CVS. Every time I go to CVS, “Do you have your card? “Do you have your CVS card? Do you have your card?” “No, for the tenth time this week. No, I don’t have a card.” “You don’t have a card? “This man doesn’t have a card! “This man doesn’t have a card. You’ve got to join us.” People coming out of the back, “Join us. Join us.” “No, I don’t want to join you. “I don’t want anything on my keychain. “I didn’t want to make eye contact with you, frankly. “I just want to sneak in here, get this ointment, go home, and deal with this.”

[laughter] [applause]

“Do you take money? “I’ll pay you money. “I’ll pay you double if you let me leave. “I should be home with my pants off, solving this problem right now.” When you don’t join up, they act like a psychotic girlfriend on your way out. “Well, how about your email or your phone number? “We’re not gonna use it; we just want to have it. “We just want to smell it when you’re not here, ’cause we love you.” Back off. Check into the hotel, “Welcome back, Tom.” “Whoa, what do you mean, ‘welcome back’? “You don’t know me. “That’s why I stay with you. You don’t know me. “I know people in town. I don’t stay with them. “They know me. “This is our relationship: “I come in late at night, “I do weird stuff to your towels, “and I leave in the morning. Forget my name.” Every restaurant, they can’t just come up to your table now. They got to bounce up there. “You guys ever eaten here before? You guys ever eaten in an Outback Steakhouse before?” Just lie. “Yeah, I’ve been here before.” They leave, and they get your drink. My wife likes to be honest. “No, I’ve never been in one of these before. What’s gonna happen?” He’s gonna do a show. He’s gonna do a goddamn show. “Let me tell you how it works. “We’re a little crazy at the Outback Steakhouse. “You think you’ve been eating your whole life, “chewing and swallowing? “That’s not what we do here. “You order your appetizer, bring out a cannon, and we shoot it right in your face.” They all have their own credit card now. “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “What?” “Do you have your KFC MasterCard?” “No, I don’t have a chicken credit card in my wallet “with a picture of a plantation owner on the side.” “Well, I could save you 15% of your purchase right now if you apply for a KFC MasterCard.” “Yeah, I’m sure the 25 people behind me “wouldn’t mind me filling out some paperwork and running a credit check during their lunch half-hour.” I don’t care about 15% of $8. I don’t care. I just want to sit in the parking lot by myself, eat it quickly before my wife comes out of Banana Republic and sees I’m not following doctor’s orders. Move it. “But if you don’t use the cards, “you’re not gonna get your points. “If you don’t get points, you won’t have status. Don’t you want status?” Don’t fall for it. Don’t fall for it. There’s no such thing as status. It’s all illusion. They try and fool you. Doesn’t matter how many points you have, where you fly on the plane, what you drive. We’re all exactly the same: horrible animals running around in pants, trying to keep ourselves busy, fighting the overwhelming urge to mount each other and make smaller versions of ourselves.

[laughter and applause]

All the same. But they try and fool ya, right? Flying here, “Okay, we’re gonna board your flight now. “Not everybody. Sit down. “Not all at once, you maniacs. “There’s some special people here “getting on that plane first, ’cause they have status. “We’re gonna start off with our diamond-crusted, “gold-plated, carbon fiber-based, Teflon-coated, “premier, elite-access, super-duper Douchebag Flying Guy Club.” And the whole place stands up. Everybody has it. How special is it? There’s one guy in the other lane with a crooked leg and a cane. “I have no status at all.” And he walks funny, so they board him first anyway. I travel a lot. I travel all the time. I was traveling a lot last year, and I took my family out with me. Figured that would be a good thing. That was– what do you call that? A mistake. That’s a mistake. That is not a good thing. You realize when you travel with your family, you don’t really know these people all that well. When you’re home, you’re like bees in and out of a hive. You don’t really hang out. And then you wake up that first morning in a hotel room just looking at each other. [chuckles] “You guys are pretty weird, right? “Does the little one always do that? “I didn’t even know we had her. She doesn’t look like any of us.” Big moment this year, though, during the travels. The kids, for the first time in their lives, wheeled their own luggage. Huge, huge milestone. ‘Cause look– yeah, it’s big. It’s a big deal.

[applause]

Look, I’ve made my own people, right? I’ve made my own people. I’ve made two people, and I am their leader. I am their leader. So when they want to go somewhere, I have to plan it, because they don’t know where anything is. They think New York and L.A. are right next to each other. I have to pay for everything, ’cause they have no money or skills of any kind. But for years, I would have to carry everything that they owned, like a mule, like a human mule. They would literally load everything on my back and then sit on top of the pile like a small Peruvian lady, and I would just walk through the airport with canteens hitting my legs, just standing at the gate with flies in my eyes. And sometimes you see a donkey with flies in his eyes and you think, “Why doesn’t he get those flies out of his eyes?” Now I know. I’ve seen a donkey’s soul. He doesn’t care about the flies. He hopes the fly eats through his eye and devours the part of his brain that feels and remembers. Oh, but this year, the handle went up, and they just walked ahead. I was crying in the airport, I was so happy. Still can’t pack, though. We got to the hotel. The only thing there was a Curious George and some magnets. Really? Two week’s vacation. You thought that was gonna do it. All right. Hope you like that bathing suit. You’re gonna wear it a lot. And I’m still learning about my wife, still learning about my wife. Oh, I married a talker. I married a talker. 16 years together. Still coming up with new stuff to say every goddamn day. She starts from the minute she gets up till about a half-hour after she falls asleep. Just talks… She’ll talk to anybody. The housekeeper at the hotel doesn’t speak any English at all. My wife doesn’t care. “Then my mother said she didn’t like my hair. Can you believe that?” This poor woman’s like, “Oh, no. Terrible.” Then we come home. She starts talking to the cats. Cats, they don’t speak any language at all. My wife just sees two ears, like, “I should fill those with talking noises. “How many times have I told you not to go on the counter? We talk about this every day.” Cat’s like, “Meow, meow. That’s terrible. Meow.”

[laughs]

Went to Disney for the first time, a trip to Disney. That was, uh– that was rough. That was rough. That is not a good place. They call it “the happiest place on Earth.” For who? For who? Ugh! Look, I love the idea. I love the idea that this man created something out of his own head. He just wanted to create a nice little place where families can go and kids can let their imagination run wild and feel safe for a couple hours in this horrible world. Beautiful idea. But what he couldn’t foresee when he was developing it in 1950 was the type of people it was going to attract in 2016 in the United States of America, ’cause they didn’t make these kind of people back then. There weren’t dinosaur-sized people stomping through the park with their elephant children attached to their tail… Pushing the biggest strollers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea John Deere made strollers. One woman had five kids in it. Fi–I never–I don’t know what you even call that. A pentalometer? A jumbotron? Five pumpkin-faced kids eating cheeseburgers, and she’s plowing through the crowd, knocking other families out of the way like tumbleweeds just so she can get to the churro stand first. Then there are people there, women, who have no children at all, who want to be a princess themselves. Grown women who want to be a princess. They want to dress like Cinderella, but they don’t make a Cinderella dress for someone 48 years old, 6’5″, 380. They never had a meeting and said, “Let’s make more of those.” Does that stop them? No, it does not. They buy that dress. They stuff everything they have into it, and a lot doesn’t fit. There’s a lot of extra hanging over the sides. But that’s okay. They’re happy there. They have their autograph book and their wand, and they skip through the park. Fine. Honestly, I didn’t think I was gonna fall for it. I didn’t. I didn’t think we were gonna do. I didn’t. But once you make your own people, the ads just find you. Every time you open your phone, open your laptop, turn on TV, there they are, just selling you joy and perfection, right? Every time you turn it on, the mom and dad are beautiful, perfect teeth and hair, clothes. “I love you.” “No, I love you.” “You’re beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful.” “Our kids are beautiful.” And the kids are holding Mickey’s hand, looking back at the parents. “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for not being stupid and poor.” I’ll admit it; I wanted to be that family. I wanted to be that family. We were not that family. We didn’t come close. We were not perfect. We were sweaty and pissed off and cursing in front of the children. “This is your damn fault. “If your parents didn’t raise you like an animal, we would have left a little bit earlier.” And the kids don’t even hear us, ’cause they’re slapping each other in the face. And we haven’t even parked yet. We haven’t even parked. We’re still in the van. We’re pissed off ’cause we didn’t get to park in Mickey and Minnie parking. They sent us with that big hand to the ass end of Chip and Dale parking. That’s another tram ride we didn’t plan for. Then you get to the front of the park. I know it’s a cliché, but you get up there. You open your wallet. They take everything you got. Everything– every dollar, every coin, every credit card, gym memberships, pictures of your family, unused condoms. That mouse rapes you at the turnstile, and you have to plaster a smile on your face in front of your kids, ’cause you don’t want to ruin the happiest place on Earth. “It’s gonna be a great… day, guys. It’s really gonna be a lot of fun.” Then you get inside. It’s just line after line after line. I thought I was gonna beat it. I had the app on my phone. I’m like, “I’m gonna beat ’em.” No, you’re not beating Disney. I’m like, “Let’s go on the Peter Pan ride. “That’s a horrible ride from 1912. “Look, no one wants to even go on it. The line only goes back and forth two times.” Yeah, up here. Then they take you to the basement. It loops around for three days. Then they shoot you out the ass end. It goes around the Matterhorn 12 times. And it’s a bad ride. It’s a bad ride. Old cardboard cutouts, Christmas lights that don’t even work anymore. All the voices are jumbled. [distorted] “I’m Tinker Bell. I’m Tinker Bell.” 2 1/2 hours! Was it worth it? No. What would be worth it? Nothing. I get to the end of that line, there could be naked supermodels with bags of money and all-you-can-eat nachos. I’d be like, “No, not into it. You lied to me.” [chuckles] Here’s what I learned, though. Here’s what I learned. If you go ahead and go–and if you make your own people, you’re gonna have to go– you just want to go once. You want to go once, so you got to blow it out, make it all about the kids, go big. Give ’em your money. “Here’s $300 cash, kids. “Spend it the way you want to spend it. It’s your day.” And halfway up Main Street, they’ll be broke, ’cause they’re small, and they’re stupid and gullible. And they’re going to buy a lot of blinking stuff that’s not gonna work by the time they get outside. And now they’re laying in the gutter of Main Street like little Disney hobos, broken toys, crying, just yelling at the characters. “Get over here, duck, and shake your ass. I got nothing left.” Make sure you fill them with sugar, a lot of sugar. Make them tweak out on sugar. Don’t even have to wear sunblock. “How about that, kids? “You hate when I put it on you. “I don’t want to put it on you. “Don’t wear it. I bet you don’t even burn in Disney.” They do burn, especially when they’re little. They turn purple, and they start to blister. And now they’re crying. They got broken toys. They’re crashing on sugar. And this is when you walk ’em. You got to walk the hell out of ’em. Give ’em the map. “Anywhere you want to go.” “Oh, you want to go from the Cars ride “to It’s a Small World? “Sure, 20 miles apart. Let’s start walking.” Midnight rolls around. They’ve been on two rides the whole day. We’ll never go back again. My kids see that mouse now, they shake like they went to war with it.

[applause]

I like moving around, especially by myself. You get to see a lot of people, and it’s inspirational. You know, people are good, and they’re kind, and they look out for each other. And–yeah, I actually like people more the older I get. When I was younger, I didn’t like people so much, and now, you know, you realize, “We’re all the same, you know?” You pee on your own leg more than three times a week. You’re like, “How great am I?” You know? And that’s another thing I don’t understand about the wealth. I mean, what’s the thing? What’s the goal? To just get so much money, you isolate yourself from everybody else? Just go from your helicopter to your island and back to your place? Why? We’re only here once. You got to mix it up, you know? Look, I’m not Pollyannaish about it. I mean, sometimes I get around people in a crowd, I wish I had my own helicopter. Not just to fly away. I would turn it upside down and chop everyone’s head off.

[laughter and applause]

Sometimes. But for the most part, people are cool, and they look out for each other, and it’s nice, you know? And the only bad part: it only takes one person who doesn’t know how to act among us to ruin the good time of everyone else, some disgusting behavior, and it ruins the good time of everybody, ’cause they’re breaking the human contract, which is very simple. You’re abiding by it right now. So when we get around each other, just turn it down a notch. Don’t do publicly what you like to do privately. When you’re alone, it gets kind of weird. That’s okay. You’re an animal. There’s only so long you can not put a finger in one of your openings. That’s okay. Hey, you got a job to do. They don’t make tools for everything you got to get done. Fine. Right now, there’s someone in here that likes filling up his pants with Cheez Doodles and dancing around like a pretty pony. And he’s not doing it. He’s fighting the urge until he gets home. And we respect you for that, sir. We thank you. And I guarantee you it’s a sir. I guarantee you. These other people don’t care. They think the whole world centers around them, disgusting people. They just walk around peeing on things, farting everywhere, letting their dogs go all over your lawn, blowing their nose in the air. Have you ever been around that guy? What the hell? What is– what goes on in your head where you think, “I’ve got something in my nose” and the other part of your brain says, “Blow it out of your face now”? And they’re good at it, which means they practice. Awful people, disgusting people, the same people that curse in front of children, don’t give up their seat for old people, don’t hold the door open for women– awful people. They’re the same people that bring their own smelly-ass food on planes. They apparently think they’re flying alone, and they bring this smelly-ass food that they made in a disgusting laboratory they call a kitchen. Awful. You know who these people are, by the way, ’cause they’re the ones walking through the airport carrying their own pillow from their bed. That’s a psychopath. If you’re a grown-up and you take your pillow out of your bedroom, you better stop at the couch, and you better have the flu. You open the door and take it out into the world with you, you should be caught with a net, and we should never see you again. “Going on a big trip today. “What’s that? You’re so right, pillow. You’re so right.” Look, I don’t think there should be food on a plane at all. How about that, chubsy? How about that? Can you survive without a sandwich? Can you do it? During the Great Depression, we ate nothing but rusty nails and dirt for years. Can you make it to Boise without a sandwich? All right, maybe I’m insensitive. Maybe you have a tapeworm that needs feeding. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on inside your gut. But then be nice, something non-offensive. How about an apple, maybe some trail mix? The last flight I was on, a guy broke out a tuna fish and dead skunk ass sandwich. I don’t know what part of Whole Foods has that, but this guy found it, chopped it up with tuna and mayo, and put it on rye. And he waited till the doors were shut and we’re at 10,000 feet. He released this stink bomb like it was a planned attack. You ever smell something so bad that you just get confused? Your head snaps back. You make little circles with your hands. You just blurt something out. “Roosevelt!” [panting] “Just keep breathing out. Just breathe out, out.” “It’s too late. I breathed in. It’s in me. I breathed in. I messed up. It’s in me. I can taste it. I can taste it.” People were opening their air vents just to get air from somewhere else. “Oh! Oh! I don’t care if it’s from the engine. Oh!” People were putting their faces in strangers’ armpits for relief. You know what kills me about these situations? All the good people, the social tension of all the nice, cool people. How many other people on the flight? 200? 300 people? So nice, so kind. They don’t even complain. They just sit there and suffer in silence. You’ve never been in that situation and have a guy pop up at the back. “Are you kidding me? “No, honey, let me go. This has to be said. “7:00 in the morning, skunk ass. “Screw you! Oh, I’m the bad guy. All right, all right.”

[cheers and applause]

Never. The most you get, people just roll their eyes and whisper. “Pee-yew, he smells. I think it’s skunk ass. I would never do that. That’s terrible.” I’ve got two people that I made. I’ve got two kids. And they’re going through a weird phase. I don’t know if it’s a weird phase. It’s just–my kids are finally realizing I’m not as great as they thought. You know what I mean? Like, for years, I was their god. They were amazed by everything I did. “He gets food. I don’t know how he does it.” “That’s nothing; I saw him lift a chair over his head by himself.” “Wow!” “I know!” The other day, I was yelling at ’em. I mixed up their names. They shot me a look like, “Oh. Maybe our leader’s an idiot. Maybe he’s not kidding when he says he can’t help with our math homework.” And they’re not wrong. I can’t help them anymore. I don’t understand it. But I have to act like it’s a parenting decision for my own ego. They’ll be like, “Dad, can you help me with my math homework?” “No, I’m not giving you the answers. This is between you and your teacher. Work it out.” Then I’m in the bathroom on YouTube, “How do you add fractions with different bottoms? “Oh, you just got to make them the same.” “How?” “Uh…”

[laughs]

[sighs] My daughter got in the car the other day. She reached over my shoulder. She hit the radio. A whole Taylor Swift station came on that she reprogrammed herself. I’m like, “No, when did you do that?” And I change it. A Katy Perry station comes on. She hijacked the whole radio. I’m like, “When did you do that?” She’s like, “Don’t worry about it. Just make it louder.” Could you imagine? I couldn’t imagine, as a child, getting in my father’s car, demanding my music, and then, “Louder. Lower. A little louder. Right there, Chief. Right there.” When I eventually came out of my coma, they would have told me a story of how arrogant I was and why I lost five years of my life when I was hit in the head with a pipe. And as the only man in my house, it’s my job to maintain my importance in the family by teaching my daughters that there are no great guys. That’s my job: to teach my daughters there are no great guys.

[scattered applause]

Yeah, I believe it. Yeah, there’s a lot of guys applauding that. You know. There’s no great guys. If you think you’re with a great guy tonight, you’re not. Look, American men are as great as you’re gonna get. We fight for equality, and we push strollers. We wear diaper bags. We tell you we want equal pay. But keep in mind it’s an act. It’s an act. Because inside all of us is a 16h-century man who wants to burn the village to the ground. He’s always in there, so just keep that in mind. If you have a man, you have a wild animal. This is a wild animal, so use him wisely. You’re in control, so don’t do stupid things with your man. Don’t ask us to do certain things. Don’t be stupid. Don’t ask us to watch the children. What are you doing? We’re not really watching the children, not the way you watch the children. We watch them eat bottle caps and fall down stairs. And we laugh. Don’t ask me to shop with my 13-year-old. I shouldn’t be shopping for clothes. I shouldn’t be in Forever 21, waiting for my daughter to come out of the dressing room. No one there knows I have a daughter in the dressing room. They just see a sweaty, uncomfortable man breathing heavy by himself next to the bras and panties. And I shouldn’t pick the young one up from gymnastics. No dad should be picking up his daughter from gymnastics. I shouldn’t be hanging out with the other moms, waiting for it to be over. They’re all talking about juice boxes and play dates. All I’m thinking is, “Which one of these moms would I have sex with first?” I’m being honest. That’s where our head goes. Not which one would I have sex with, by the way, ’cause I’d have sex with all of them. The weird one, the one with the thing on her eye, I’ll make it work. I can make it work. But which one first, while I’ve got the energy? That’s my job, try and give them lessons, but it’s hard, because the real world starts coming in, right? And they start learning about the real world. I try to protect them, but they start learning about all the good and the bad that’s out in the world, and it’s funny in my house, ’cause they’re learning about it at different rates. You know, like, we learned about Thanksgiving, and the little one’s like, “Oh, we love Thanksgiving. “We love the Indians. We gave them our buckle hats and our shoes and a turkey, and they gave us some feathers and some mashed potatoes, and we had dinner with them, and they love us, and we love them.” And the 13-year-old’s just leaning against the refrigerator. “What’s this Trail of Tears I’m hearing about? We took their land and then moved them out west, then took their land again and then killed them all?” And the little one’s like, “It’s not the same Indians, right, Dad?” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s the same Indians.” She’s like, “Why did we do that?” “Oh, easy with the ‘we,’ first of all. We’re the Papas. We’re Italian. We got here in 1945. We eat spaghettis and ride Vespas. We’re lovers.”

[laughs]

But it’s hopeful to see this generation, ’cause they just–they just– you know, they’re more tolerant, and it’s not even tolerant; they don’t have to tolerate it. They don’t even know that things are bad or that they hate each other. They’re just nice and nice people, and it’s very hopeful. They don’t even see race. They don’t say “black people” or “white people.” They just say “darker” or “much darker” or “whiter” or “much whiter” or “gross.” That’s how they talk. The first time my daughter ever heard about race, she saw “The Jackie Robinson Story,” and that really blew her away. She’s like, “Wait a minute. “Are you telling me that white people had to let the black people play baseball?” I was like, “Yeah, that’s how it happened for a while.” She’s like, “No, no, no way. “Isn’t it the black people who let the white people play sports?”

[applause]

She’s like–she’s like, “‘Cause I’ve seen some of our white people play basketball. We shouldn’t do that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, they let us play once in a while. “They also let us make music, and that’s where country comes from.”

[laughs]

The only reason I want a son is because that’s the only thing ruining our good time on the planet. The only time someone loses it and does something awful, 100% of the time, it’s a guy. And I don’t get it, ’cause I was a man… for a while. I was, before I built this vagina tribe that I live in. You really can’t be a man in the vagina tribe. You can’t. I watch the play-offs, but people are putting bows in my hair and doing my nails at the same time. No, angry young men, I really don’t get it. Just calm down, guys. Calm down. You feel like a loser? That’s okay. We all do. We all do. You’re not missing out on anything. We’re all losers. We’re human beings. You get little moments of victories, and most of the time, you lose. That’s okay. That’s the way the whole world works. Travel all around. Everyone’s exactly the same. Thank God you’re not that happy, or I wouldn’t have a job. You’d just sit at home and call your friends. “Ha-ha ha ha ha. Life is wonderful.” No, you have to pay for your laughter, and I am your prostitute.

[cheers and applause]

It’s okay. I’m happy to do it. But come on. You’re a young man. Get your life in order. Just get anything. Get a guitar. Get a skateboard. Get a girl. Get a girl. You’re 19. Get an 18-year-old girl. That’s the only age that won’t sound creepy. 19, everything is working full bore. That’s not gonna last. You think everyone’s with supermodels? No. Lower the bar. Lower the bar. Any woman will soothe your soul. Go to a bowling alley. Go to a bowling alley. Go to the back of the bowling alley. There’s a deep fryer in the back of the bowling alley. There’s a girl working that deep fryer. That’s your girl. She’ll be a ton of fun. You’ll get fries and onion rings on the side. Get a cougar. That didn’t exist when I was 19. There weren’t hot, middle-aged women looking for young men to violate. They’re out there now in force. Go to any ladies’ night in any Holiday Inn in Any City, USA. Walk out on the dance floor. Push all the 50-year-old douche bags in their Tommy Bahama out of the way. Raise your arms. “I’m 19.” They will rape you on the dance floor. And look, there are angry young women out there. There’s a lot of angry young women. But they don’t blow stuff up. They just terrorize one guy at a time. They pick one guy out, and they just ruin his life. It’s not nice, but it’s better for the community as a whole. [laughs] But we’re gonna be just fine. And look, look. You have to vote for the right people that are gonna do the right things, and if they don’t do the right things, then you just get them out. That’s just the way it goes. Don’t stress about it. Move it along. That’s the way it goes, ’cause it’s their job. They got to deal with that stuff. We can’t do it. We’re busy. We’re busy, all right? I can’t go out and fight ISIS. My house is crazy. I got enough to deal with in my house, right? You got all your stuff to do. You got to watch LeBron run around. You’ve got to go to games. We’re busy. We’re busy people. I can’t fight ISIS. Neither can you. One of my cats just died. That’s what I’m dealing with. Yeah. Well, we had three, so two to go. No, I love cats. I love that level of intimacy. I wish my kids were more like cats. That would be perfect. Oh, my God. And please, if I could just leave food for them once a week and they brush against my leg to let me know they’re alive, perfect. Perfect. I don’t even know why we have these animals. Do you? It makes no sense. All these years of engineering and walls and electricity to keep nature out. Then we just open the door like a bouncer. “You two, come on in. No, not you, squirrel, you coke addict. Get out of here.” Then you have an animal just sitting on your counter, looking at you. I was watching TV the other day. My cat, looking at me, dropped its ass, back legs up, front paws, just started pulling itself straight at me, six feet across. Didn’t break eye contact the entire time. Stared me down. “That’s right. My ass in your carpet. What of it? What you gonna do about it, go in my box? I don’t think so. Who’s scooping it out? Not me. Never have, never will.”

[cheers and applause]

It’s a crazy house. 16 years putting this whole thing together, and it works. I wish you the same success. I really do. And the family is a good thing. 16 years in the family, 16 years with the same woman, the same person. Good thing. [cheers and applause] It’s good, and it works. But it’s time for a girlfriend. It’s definitely time for a girlfriend. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to my wife. It’s not fair to this woman to expect her to act like a girlfriend for this long; it’s not. Look, when you’re a girlfriend, you’re motivated. You’re excited to see that guy come home. My wife is not that good of an actress. This poor woman has watched me walk from the bedroom to the bathroom in the middle of the night, underwear hanging off my ass, banging into furniture in the dark, for 16 years. How could I expect her to be like, “Oh, goody, I hope he hurries back”?

[cheers and applause]

I’m out of stories. I’ve run out of stories. You ever hang out with a married couple, the guy starts telling a story, the wife just starts stirring her drink and rolling her eyes? “Here we go again. Blah, blah, blah. We’ve all heard it, Don. We’ve all heard it.” We’re entering that stage. I’m a comedian. She doesn’t think I’m funny. It’s time for a girlfriend. And look, I’m not gonna be sneaky about it. I’m not gonna cheat. I’m gonna sit her down. I’m gonna tell her my plans straight out. I’ll be like, “Look, I found a girl. “She’s young, and she’s dumb. She’s just what we need. She hasn’t heard any of my stories. She thinks I’m hilarious. She wants to fool around all the time. Don’t think of her as my girlfriend. Think of her as your assistant.”

Thank you so much, Cleveland. You guys were wonderful. Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

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