TODD GLASS: ACT HAPPY (2018) – Full Transcript

Try to keep up as comedian Todd Glass delivers rapid-fire stand-up that bounces from his heart attack to his coming out to how to eat a Kit Kat.

You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, comedy’s national treasure, Todd Glass!

What I… Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I did not expect this. Get a close up of this fucker right over here. You watch this… That’s right, everybody. I know what I’m doing. Some guys wouldn’t do this much, but I go for it. If it costs extra, I don’t give a shit. Woah! How you enjoying my standup so far? Shut up! Sure I play it big. Sure I play it big. Enough already, right? What? Watch this. Wow, let’s get started, right? I wanna let you know I’m not going to do insult crowd work. As a matter of fact, I won an award for doing the most positive crowd work. -I won an award– -Oh, I won an award! Well, I don’t know if it’s that big of a deal– I’m so fancy. I’m Todd Glass, I win awards! Well, I don’t– I wonder if it was a trophy or a medal? It must be one of them, because it’s an award. -I’m gonna put it in my fridge! -Wow! Was it voted on by his peers or by a board? I won an award as I do positive crowd work. A lot of comedians come out, “Where…” Leave people alone. People are insecure. They go out to feel better. I do positive crowd work, proving you can do it but still be nice. For instance, I really like your tattoos, they’re… See, that’s funny. You people don’t know it. Yeah. I love your bow tie… Because I don’t want to be one of those comedians who makes fun of the wrong groups. You ever see comedy, see a comedian like, “Oh… “I’m pretty sure he’s throwing a verbal blow “to a group of people that might need a hug.” That looks shitty years later when you watch your comedy like, “I should’ve been hugging those people, not taking comedic blows at them.” “They’re already getting the shit beat out of them, I should defend them.” That is why, may I get some reverb so people know I’m really talking about something? That is why, ladies and gentlemen, that I had a joke… about above-the-ground pools. And I took it out of my act. I’m not lying, folks. I had a joke, every night I’d come out here, “Oh, above the ground pools…” What if there’s somebody in this audience who has one? The odds are, if you had to bet, you’d say, “There’s one.” They’d have to watch my show like, “What’s this joke about pools? “Is our pool like a joke, or something?” First of all, I won’t do the joke as I said I didn’t do it. I think you’re like, “Can you tell us what it was?” Sure. But I won’t sell it, “Hey, these pools…” I used to really sell it. “Hey…” But all I’m saying is if you have an above-the-ground pool, at least dig a hole and hide it, that’s all. That would be great music to have in real life. Like if your credit card got declined. “Sorry it’s been declined.” You’re like, “Oh, that’s not…” Is K What don’t they get? I’m being serious. I hope it’s funny, but you go, “Yeah…” Everyone mocks it for being a shithole, nobody goes, “What’s the problem?” You know, don’t they see that Target… Here’s the business plan for Target… “We’ll sell what K-Mart sells, but wipe shit off.” “Oh, yeah! I think there might be something there.”

Ever noticed inside Target there’s Starbucks? It’s a pretty good idea, two companies that believe in customer satisfaction can share a building, most people don’t think of it. But I did one day… “They’re two different companies sharing a building.” You have to agree on cleanliness, on customer satisfaction. I had a good idea. Why don’t they take… K-Marts, right, it’s a good idea, seriously, get past the laughter of it and go… “Oh, yeah, this is actually a good idea!” Take K-Marts and put 7-Elevens inside. What do you think? They can have a big “who gives a shit?” festival. Two companies that could give a fuck about the consumer. God bless ’em, you know? They go, “We’re not like other companies, ‘wipe things, customers are coming.'” 7-Eleven, this could be their motto: “7-Eleven… “We’re open!” Maybe? I don’t know. Put a button on that.

Now I want to talk about Subway. Sure, I go big. Subway, it’s not their food I have a problem with, it’s their… look, it’s too bright. It’s too bright. It’s so bright. Put a lower bulb in there. Whenever I say this, people go, “All right, Todd, I agree with your atmosphere shit but…” I go, “Ha ha ha!” That’s funny, cos you know, if ten years ago I’d said, “Airlines should lower their lights, use blue lights. People would go, “OK, Todd…” But Virgin America did it. They fucking got it! Oh! How much more money is it to have people get on a plane that’s not too fucking bright? Oh, it’s free? Everyone else is just a dumb fuck? Fly Virgin American just cos someone said, “We don’t have to look ugly we fly!”

I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. My goal is to make people change. Even… Is everything a joke to you, lady? It probably is, you come out, “Ha ha ha.” But I really do want people to realize… I’ll give you an example, I’m being serious. Most of your lights at home are too bright, OK? I know you’re like, “Shu… Huh?” When you have people over your house, it’s too bright. I imagine everyone’s thinking about when they have people over, going, “I don’t think mine are.” No one goes, “Mine are too bright, I don’t give a fuck.” No, no. People think lights go way up, so they turn them up. That’s where the mistake starts, because “the light goes up to there.” Do you turn everything way up? How about the volume on your stereo? I turn everything all the way up. The oven if cooking. It’s up, it goes all the way up. If you’re sitting there now… some people may think I’m right, others may say they know how to set their houses up, “I’m not perfect but not the worst.” You might be. Go home and look at your hallway, bathroom lighting. When people come over, the bathroom you provide for them. If you go look at it without boxing gloves on, if you look at it and go, “Fuck. He’s right! I’m not in the gray area.” Let yourself off the hook. But if you don’t go, “What the fuck?” That’s the room you provide people. Even if you’re not purposefully doing it, you’re going, “When people come over, “I have a room that leaves them feeling shitty. “They’ll look fat, look sweaty, they’ll look bloated. I give them that.”
Restaurant are the same, their bathrooms are too bright. I go, “I hope you don’t sell desserts and go out of business.”

You know what else? Can Whole Foods help me out with the bins of candy everywhere? It’s seriously hard not to eat it. I smoke pot, that’s not an excuse, cos what’s not yours is not yours, but you go in, there are bins of candy just there. Can’t they put Velcro for some resistance? You know, I have a good idea. Can’t they weigh you when you come in and when you leave? I’d be OK with that,  so I could graze. Lighten the ropes. Sometimes when I have visitors, I stage my refrigerator. I head to Whole Foods to do it. Like that wink? Don’t put it in. It was cheesy. Who am I? Next I’ll be kissing people and doing this… Waving at fake people in the audience – an old trick. People at home, “I guess he knows a lot of people.” What am I, Wayne Newton? So I stage my refrigerator, a lot of you may do it and not know what it means. It means you have company coming, you put better items in. You always act like, “What?” Put like six glass waters. “That’s just how I live. Is it different than most people?” “I thought everyone had six glasses of water lined up to the right.” “They don’t do that? Shut up! No…” “The lemonade with the corkscrew, is that different?” “Are there other types or something?” I didn’t contemplate that at Whole Foods for three hours cos it was 40 cents more. I go so far out of my way to stage my refrigerator. People come, mention it, I act… It’s embarrassing to talk about. I really do it. I’m not stopping. People go, “Oh, milk in a glass container!” I go, “I was in a hurry, grabbing stuff, putting it in. I didn’t notice.” Meanwhile, I’ve been refilling it with cheaper milk for years. I just ad lib this stuff, I’m not worried about it. No, that has nothing to do with that. That’s band cues. I don’t give a shit. Are you mad I don’t give a shit? Can you tell? Seriously. If I gave a shit, would I sit… Would I be here like this? If you were walking down the street and saw a guy leaning against the wall, be honest, if he was like this… You’d think he didn’t give a shit. I wanna be like them, not give a shit. I’ll sniff. Catch shit. “Throw me stuff.” I’ll catch it and talk about other stuff. “Throw me those keys. We going to the mall?” “Oh my God! He caught that, he’s already talking here”. It’d be about catching it, you know? How about guys who get into a take it easy fight? That’s sad. Ever see two guys get in one? “Take it easy.” “I am. You take it easy!” You know what this is, don’t you? They aren’t in touch with their emotions. Neither wants the other to know he’s got the best of him. They act like they’re taking it easy, anyone watching from two feet away, “I don’t think either one’s taking it easy!” “Take it easy.” “I’m taking it easy! You fucking take it easy!” “You take it easy!” One guy probably gets his wife. “Tell him I’m taking it easy.” “He is. He doesn’t want to argue. You should see him upset.” Why would I lie? People say that too. “Why would I lie?” To get out of something! What, did you hope I was an idiot? That’s like when a detective, you see real interrogation footage, they go, “Why would I murder my family? It’s my family!” Are they hoping to get the world’s dumbest detective? “Yeah, why would you? Get out of here! I didn’t think of that.” Later, he’s talking to the other detectives. They’re like, “What happened to that guy?” “He made a good point. Why would you murder your family?” “People do!” “Shit, I didn’t think of that. Get him.” “He’s probably by the kerb area.” Do something. Nah, it’s too late. I hit a food truck recently. True story. I hit a food truck and uh… I don’t think there should be food trucks. I hit the food truck and broke the guy’s bumper. I understand having to pay for it, my insurance company says… I gotta get him a deep fryer, too? That doesn’t make sense! What are you gonna do? Sure, I understand it’s my fault I hit the truck. If I gotta get him a tail light, I will. But a pizza oven? Sure, I understand it’s my fault if I hit him. But I gotta get him tacos? That doesn’t make sense! Sure, I hit the guy’s car, I want to take responsibility for it, but I gotta get a five speed blender? Yes, it’s my fault, but I gotta get him a pasta maker… Put a button on it, goddammit! Is that public domain? Thank you. You never know with these guys. They think I’m rich. Talking to me before the show… “Make sure your songs are public domain!” Great. I’ll sing, “This old man had a boat,” whatever that song….

♪ This old man, he played da He played knick knack on his van ♪
♪ With a knick knack paddy whack Give a dog a bone ♪
♪ This old man came rolling home! ♪

Know what? Ladies and Gentlemen, bring it down a bit… Many don’t know I’m famous for improv’, I might poke fun at it I can improv’ songs about people in the first row. I’m pretty good.

♪ Look at this guy wearing a suit He’s got a red tie, he a black suit ♪
♪ You’ve a bow tie, you have brown You have a red dress ♪
♪ You have glasses, you red hair You a tattoo, you’re brunette ♪
♪ You’ve got that and you’re doing that Everybody’s wearing this ♪
♪ You wear that, you that, You have that and you do this ♪
♪ You do that and you do this, Everybody does this, you do that ♪
♪ This is public domain ♪
♪ I sing public domain songs cos they’re free ♪
♪ Don’t give a shit Don’t wanna spend a lot ♪
♪ Da da dada da da da ♪

Hello, everybody. I’m Johnny Cash. QVC, it’s better than you think! You have to genuinely start watching QVC. Not just passing it by, saying, “I get it. They make…” It’s sad! It is truly sad. There’s no way the people who call in are real. They’re like, “I love your show.” What show Why am I mad they think it’s a show? Cos I don’t think they’re real. I think they’re producers. Nobody is calling in, “I love your show.” I’d like to meet one of those people. “What’s your favorite episode?” “I love the one where they talk about the vacuum for an hour.” Oh… “Oh, you have problems. What’s your other favorite shows?” “I like the mall.” “Oh, you think stores are shows? OK! “I understand.” It’s more sad than anything. They go, “Oh, you can get these pants on FlexPay.” I promise you this is true. It sounds too sad, pants on FlexPay. I understand a vacuum. But sweatpants? They go, “8.88 a month.” They act like it’s you only have to pay that one bill. Cos you got your pants on FlexPay, every month you get your bill, “OK… Got my 8.88!” The rest of my paycheck I’ll go have fun with. If you’re putting pants on FlexPay, you’ve already been at the end of your financial rope. You’ve already put shit on a credit card. No one starts with pants and works up to a house and boats. House Hunters is hard for me to complain about, but let me explain something. House Hunters… Technically… It’s hard to complain about something you don’t have to do. So why don’t you just not watch it and not do this bit? All right. I think I have a loophole. I think they suck you in at the 27-minute mark where they show you the house. They go in, then go: “We’ve been here two weeks, or a month”, then show what they did. I’m already looking around them when they’re talking I’m like, “Oh, what did they fuck up?” Trying to see if they fucked the kitchen. You know. They got cheap appliances, great. That’s all I waited for. Then once in a while, they go, “You did a good job, what I would do.” Mostly, they mess it up. “Oh, we’ve been here a month. We added popcorn ceilings.” I’m like, “Oh… I thought you wanted to get rid of that.” There’s always a guy walking around looking where to put his TV. I don’t know why it bothers me. I’m gonna guess, and I have, it’s like, “Can I put my TV there, or should I put it there?” The guy’s a fucking idiot. Then I thought, “You shouldn’t call people idiots.” What do you call a guy buying the biggest purchase based on where to put his TV? Idiot, right? It’s more about this relationship, he’s worried where he’s going to put his TV, and then.. he wants to know where he can have his man cave. Why does man cave rub me the wrong way? I have friends that are happily married. Some of them need to get away from their wives, or vice-versa. Significant others getting away from significant others. I’m not talking about that… But none of my friends are happily married. None will go, “If only I had a room she couldn’t come in! Hehehehe!” Are you sure you’re OK “I need a man cave! To get away from that!” To get away from that You’re married! “I need a man cave!” I’m thinking of giving this bit to Brian Regan. I need a man cave! Need to get away from the thing I married! I wanna get a man cave to cave sit in the woods. I need to get away, I need a cave and a room to hide in from my significant other that I chose to be with! Build me a room, I’ll never let her in, ever! Wow! That’s fun to do. Um… The other person, they’re sexist on the show, they show the guy with the man cave, the woman wants a walk-in closet. On that show, it’s always, “Does it have a walk” I’m not exaggerating. It’s sad, sometimes. It’s like, “I have… I have so many things!” They’ll show them a house with a small walk-in, they feel it’s necessary, knowing there’s a camera crew, to go, “That’s not even enough for my things! “I got a lot of things, I don’t think you understand!” “All I need is a walk-in closet. I could put my favorite chair in it.” You need a walk-in closet, you need a man cave, why not get couple’s counseling and enjoy your living room? But that’s more of a TED Talk… They want their granite countertops so bad! Oh, do they. “Does it have granite countertops?” “Our friends from Irvine have them, we need them!” I… Just relax, it’s not that important. “Does it have stainless steel?” You know? Stop it, already. You know, Timothy… I have an idea… Hopefully, you can do something illegal and get put in prison, have all the stainless steel you want. These are just ideas. Then, when you’re in prison, maybe you’ll get killed, then you’ll get granite countertops with your name on! No. Let’s not… There are certain things, nah, that’s OK… Didn’t I tell ya? A dear friend, Rory Scovel… Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck… -Rory Scovel is my friend! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Rory Scovel is my friend! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -All right. Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Yeah. Fuck Rory Scovel… Does it work on you guys, too? Ever have something bother you and you don’t know why? Sometimes things bother you and you know why. Sometimes you wonder. It doesn’t bother anyone else, but I’ll say it. If there’s one person here, I can tell, who it bothers, I’ll be happy. I don’t like when people walk backwards on the treadmill. I just… All right, you’re great. Oh, what muscle are you working? Please. It’s like when people overstretch. Not all people overstretch. Sometimes at the gym I see somebody stretching. It’s healthy to stretch, that person gets it. Other times, I go, “Shut the fuck up with your stretching!” Shut the fuck up with what you’re doing, that’s all. Other than that, who cares? This bothers me, if it doesn’t bother you, I understand, if your partner comes out of the bathroom flossing, walking around the bedroom and neither of you mind, that’s OK, but if someone corrects you, asks you not to, don’t make them the crazy person. You’re walking out… I had my sister-in-law and my brother staying in my guest room… -Oh! I have a guest room! Wow! -That’s not even a brag. I’m so wealthy! -I’m not saying I’m wealthy. -I have a room I don’t even use, I just have guests, wow! Oh, I already have enough rooms, but I guess I could use a couple more. I am so Todd Glass! This is my… She comes out of the bedroom flossing, she’s like, “How are you?” Food particles are flying all over, I said, “Please, don’t do that.” She goes,  “They’re just teeny pieces.” Most expect me to say, “No, they’re gigantic.” No, they’re smaller than teeny, probably closer to microscopic, but if someone came over your house, this is to everyone flossing, you can floss all you want, but you can’t wiggle out of what I say. You have to go, “Fuck, that’s true”, and just soak it in. Here’s the deal, if you floss walking around your house and this happened, you’d have no defense. Say someone came with a bucket of the things they’d saved for ten years, every time they floss they put it in a bucket, they come to your house, take a handful with a plastic glove, you’re “ewwing” at the thought, I wanted to wear a glove to calm you, and they take that plastic glove and start throwing stuff all over your bedroom. Your only defence is, if you floss, going, “No, we do that slowly.” That’s all you got. I hope you’re happy. Thank you. I swear to God, to the truth, I told her, “If ever a joke doesn’t hit give me a triangle.” I thought that did all right! Apparently she goes, “I think this is a time he needs my help.” Pigeons can get on my nerves. I like to get mad about pigeons. Here’s the deal with pigeons. Sometimes I think they’re passive aggressive. I think they could be a bit. You ever… OK. You know when the light turns green, there’s pigeons, I see it in the city, and the pigeons run out of the way at the last second, they’re like this then they literally start hustling. And they’re eating stuff out of the road, I’m not making fun of pigeons. Last night, this is true, why would I make it up? Right where you’re sitting, were two pigeons. Two pigeons sitting right there, I started my pigeon material and go, “I don’t care about making fun of pigeons, but are they pigeon jokes pigeons could laugh at?” That’s OK. You can make fun of people, but not group make fun. If you leave this room tonight and tell your friends, “He said he had pigeons in the first row, there weren’t pigeons.” They’ll go, “How does that benefit him?” You’re gonna look stupid. You’ll go, “I guess he could benefit. Why would he make it up?” I started my pigeon jokes, I looked down, they were like, “It’s so true!” Nothing makes me happier than that. But sometimes… they eat stuff on the road, why do they have to wait til the last minute? There’s not London broil in there, they’re eating sand! You know? They run out of the way, I think they’re passive aggressive, acting like they’re trying their hardest, “If only I could fly…” Wait, you can fly! Jump and stay jumped, all right? They’re like, “Haha, suck my pigeon dick!” Whoa! “Suck my pigeon dick,” a good name for my special.

There are things that literally I’ve thought about for… I’m likely sanding years off, ten years ago I saw a woman eat a KitKat so slow I haven’t stopped talking about it. I wanna figure it out, I wanna go, “Was I getting upset with nothing or was she doing something?” Cos I’m very open to go, “That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.” She was eating it like,  “Oh, I’m so… just eating… No. What?” You know! You eat it  like that when nobody’s around It’s eleven o’clock at night, you crave a KitKat, nobody’s looking, you eat it and put it down? Then she was reading her book going back and forth, I’m like, “You’re full of shit! Is that book as good as a KitKat?” No, I’m not aggressive. I just want to know if that book is as good as that KitKat. Is it chocolaty and crunchy?  I’m not trying to be rude. That’s all I’m asking. Then she puts her KitKat on the tray table, honestly, reads the book for six minutes, I’m like, “No! You don’t stop fucking to have soup.” That’s a good analogy. It is, cos it makes you get past it. “Oh, no, you haven’t had my soup. Let’s fuck, have some soup.” I’m sure the fucking’s better!

I have a confession to make. Sometimes when I’m on stage, I’ll talk about how cute dogs are. When I see the audience doesn’t match my intensity, I started pulling back. I’m like, “They’re so cute. You want to mush their little faces.” People are with me. I wanna bite them. I wanna bite them. Like not to, you know, but you get a little, right? I mean bite. Like, I’ll turn their little lip up and suck it. They’re so good, and once they’re next to you like… You’re like, “Oh, you’re letting me do this. Let me really get this. What’s under your lips? It’s all goodness. Let me see your ear, let me suck on that ear. Everything about you’s fucking… You’re non-judgemental, kind, decent, I wanna suck it out of you. I want some of that in me.” You know? Everyone has a voice for their dog. You just do it naturally.
I watched a dog named Ursula, she was a bulldog. When I was eating, she had a voice, she’d casually do it, she’d go, “Oh, my God,” if she could talk, don’t think I’m losing my mind, “Oh, my God, I love chicken! I’m not even just saying it.” You know, like, other dogs are like, “Whatever you have, I really like it.” I’d go, “Ursula, it’s pizza.” “I love pizza. Is it from that place?” So cute. I used to come home when I first watched her, I did it for seven months, my friends were out of town. At first, when I came home, she didn’t look like she cared about me. She’d be… I’d walk by, I’d be like, “Hey, Ursula.” My mom told me, “Treat her like a Golden Retriever. Her grumpy face doesn’t match her heart.” I thought about that. I walk in one day, I swear this is true, I go, “Ursula!” She’s like, “Oh, my God!” She started flipping out. I said, “I love you.” She started running around like crazy. I’m like, “She thought I didn’t like her. I thought she didn’t like me.” Then I figured out she laughs at aggression. I can yell at her and she loves it. But I yell at her nice things. I’ll be like, “No, Urusla…” I’ll do this with nobody around. “No, it’s not my fault you’re so cute. I have to bite you!” She’s like… “Are you wearing new perfume? It’s driving me fucking nuts!” That doesn’t scare her. When people say, “Dogs don’t understand verbiage, only tone.” Tell them to get the fuck away. You know those people, they don’t think we understand that there are boundaries in human and dog relationships. They’re so worried about it that they think, they think… They have to go, “The only reason your dog licks you is for the salt.” I have to do their voice like that, I don’t know how else someone would come to that conclusion. It seems like you’re nervous for shit to talk about. You’ve told a lot of people, not just me. I wanna know why you’re telling everyone that. “The only reason your dog licks you is the salt.” Great. I’ll go home and hit my dog, “What am I, a salt lick? You fuck! “I thought you wanted to fuck me!” Everyone has a voice for their dog, I take her to the park, a guy comes over, being nice, “I know what you’re thinking, ‘What’s everybody patting me for?'” I go, “Sir, that’s not my dog’s voice.

I have one, it’s not…” He’s here tonight. Some people say “I hate cats.” First of all relax. “I hate cats.” Really? Really Isn’t the truth you saw a cat you loved, a big fat tabby cat come out of someone’s bedroom you went, “Pst”, it walked away, “Fuck I hate cats.” No, cats hate you. Come on! No, come on. I got you good. Well…

♪ This is a song ♪
♪ I wrote ♪
♪ In case ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Didn’t ♪
♪ Think ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Had an hour of material! ♪
♪ I was worried That I didn’t have enough material! ♪
♪ When you do a special They think you have an hour ♪
♪ I ran it up in San Francisco ♪
♪ And I wasn’t sure ♪
♪ So I wrote this song ♪
♪ In case I didn’t have enough material ♪
♪ Now, I would think That I have enough now ♪
♪ But I’m never sure So I wrote this song ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪
♪ This is a song I wrote ♪
♪ In case I didn’t think ♪
♪ I’d have enough material ♪
♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪
♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪
♪ Blah blah blah-blah, blah-blah ♪
♪ Blah blah blah-blah blah blah ♪

OK, I think I’m good. You gotta chug it out. Let’s talk about Sea World… They’re deciding to do away with torturing animals. I can’t believe they got away with it this long. They always interrupt the news, “A killer whale has killed a trainer.” It’s sad when a human loses their life, but unpredictable? They interrupt the news like this is unpredictable. We tend to give unpredictable events the most empathy. They couldn’t have prevented it. Ever had a friend who complains and you think, “He brings it on himself.” Imagine that friend doing this in your house, picture it! Your friend goes, “You’ll never believe what happened, and it’s not like when I did drugs. Something happened. Nobody could’ve seen this coming. Just listen, OK? I… This is gonna take a turn, it’s gonna freak you out. I got a killer whale out of the ocean with a crane. Just listen… It takes a freaky turn. Whatever you’re guessing, get it out of your head. So we put it in a baby pool in my backyard. “It’s scared shitless cos it doesn’t have its sonar. “A friend of mine sits on it and tries to teach it tricks. You won’t believe what happened.” “Did it kill him out of fear?” “Shut up! How did you guess?” The guys that stupid, he can’t believe. “There’s no way I could’ve predicted that! That’s crazy!” Can I tell you something else? I want you to go home, take your fish tanks and empty them into the street! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, when I came to LA in the early 90s, there were fish running all over the place! Come on, it’s not a joke. And another thing… the big fanfare gets a bit much, people criticize. But I will tell you, give me a little more, let’s talk about declawing cats… People in the audience have cats, I’m gonna talk about declawing cats. There might be people who have declawed cats like, “Will I enjoy this bit?” If you have a declawed cat, it’s OK, you already declawed it, how can you realize I made a point if I don’t let you out of the guilt of having done it. People are, “It’s me.” If your cat’s declawed, your pool above ground, I doubt you like my show.. If your cat is, go home if you want to relieve yourself, but go home and tape knives to its feet, let it scrape up some of the furniture. But if declawing your cats makes sense, the role play coming up shouldn’t seem silly. Imagine someone, “You talk about loving cats but don’t have one.” “They scrape up furniture, I couldn’t get one.” They go, “No… You don’t just not get it, you adapt it to you. Bring it to the vet, they pull it out with pliers. A well thought-out person doesn’t think ‘I won’t get one.’ My daughter wanted a giraffe, I had to have its feet cut off! My son wanted a lion, I had its teeth sanded down.” Bring it home, guys! Now, let’s talk organized religion. There is no Better Business Bureau, can we agree? If there was, wouldn’t they have stopped that? Even if they did almost nothing. “They’d stop organized religion, it’s an atrocity.” No, seriously, I’m not talking about your belief in God, relax. So many are going, “Whoa.” If you believe in God, you go directly to God, “Organized religion’s done a lot of damage,” I do. I’m talking about organized religion, if… If Nike said, “If you don’t buy our product, you’ll rot in Hell,” the Better Business Bureau would say “You can’t say that.” “But we believe it.” “You can’t say it.” Some people worry about their eternal life. I think it might be how kind you are while here. That might be it. That’s why you wanna make sure you aren’t giving a group of people a hard time you should be making breathe easier. There’s natural disasters, we all know that, there’s earthquakes, there’s floods, that’s what’s supposed to destruct against our will, people are only here to be nice. If you use your energy to make a group feel less, you’re another natural disaster. Who cares? I don’t want to be preachy. Let’s have fun. Are you having a good time, everybody? I don’t wanna… That’s not what I’m here to talk about! I enjoy smoking, it works for me. I don’t smoke during the day, I’m not a daytime pot smoker, cos I’m not productive. Once I did, or twice in my whole life, I smoked during the day. All I did was call all my friends and go, “Oh, my God, I’m so high!” I wanted them to say how high they were. I don’t want to hang with people like, “I drive good high,” you don’t get high good! It makes no sense. “I get high, follow the rules of the road. It’s fun. There’s nothing like getting high and merging.” Sure, maybe I’ll do some heroin and do my taxes! I know how to enjoy life, I really do! But, uh, you know, I was on a plane, a woman offered me a Reese’s cup. I said, I’d smoked pot a few times on a plane, won’t again. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I just said stuff. She goes, “Want a Reese’s cup?” I said, “I’d like both.” Then I go, because… And I understand what I meant, I don’t enjoy one Reese’s cup, just one and nothing. If I have a bowl of them, I enjoy every one, cos there’s seven more, ten more, preferably more. When I get to the last one, I’m like, “May as well throw it out, I won’t enjoy it.” So, that’s all I wanted. I’ll say things my friends will figure out right away. I’ll say one thing, all heads will turn in the car. Once I was driving through a shitty neighborhood, I saw a bird and said, “Why would a bird live in a shitty neighborhood?” He’s like, “Are you high?” I’m like, “How did you know?” I thought it was so perceptive that a good friend was able to… I go, “Seriously, how did you know?” “You asked why a bird would live in a shitty neighborhood…” “Oh, yeah!” “How come there’s extra large and extra small, but no extra medium?” “That’s a good thought!” Hey, ladies and gentlemen, is there any bit I haven’t done and now’s a good time? Yell it out. Do the bit about when you were little. All right, there we go. Um… -Richard. OK, cool. There you go. When I was little, my head was the same size and every picture of me, my parents are making an album, they send me pictures, every one is me like this… Now, I’m 11 or 12, even eight, every picture’s like this. Because I was always asking questions, like, “Why don’t we have a circle driveway?” No kid should want a circle driveway, we’ll talk about that, I did want one. I asked my parents, “Mom, why don’t we have a circle driveway?” I was in Fifth Grade! The Nalibotskis had a nice circle drive, I’d stare at it like this. I wanted it so bad. Those people years later, this is true, I promise, came to my show, they came over, “You probably don’t remember,” Which I didn’t,  when they said I remembered I loved circle driveways. They go, “We had a circle driveway, an important part of the story.” I go, “I don’t know what I did, but I badly wanted one.” “We don’t know how old you were, you walked to school staring at it.” I was! They tell me I was staring at their drive like this. They came out and said something like “Can we help you” I go, “How much is that?” I wanted to go home and tell my parents. “Look, this is like 100 bucks.” I swear I remember asking my parents why we didn’t have one, she goes, ” We didn’t want one.” Shut up! The builder asks if you want a free one, “Nah, we don’t like it. “We like a regular driveway, what do we give a shit” When I was little, I’d look at adults and go, “I want to be them. I could do that.” I had no idea what I’d do for a living. My parents were so worried I wouldn’t find anything to do, I wasn’t retaining anything in school. Because of that, whatever I did they’d go, “You could be a dog walker.” I’m like, “I’m gonna be all right” Um… I’d go to the car wash, I saw the owner walking around and go, “I could do that, look at him. Walking around telling people what to do. Looks fun! ‘Customers waiting!’ I think I’d really get into that.” Once, my dad’s car came through, and he goes, “Kevin, run that guy’s car through again, it’s filthy.” My dad goes, “That’s OK.” He goes, “No, no, no.” Then me and my brothers did a bit all day as the guy not taking no for an answer. Even at that age we did bits. The bit was, “No, it’s OK.” He’d go, “No! You got a shitty Impala, this is probably your only good day. Let me fucking wash it. My name’s out there! Sure you don’t care, look at you! Your wife’s probably not attractive. Let me run it through again.” My dad would be, “OK, whatever.” There was a restaurant owner, I thought for sure I could be him. He’d walk around, he knew everybody. I was impressed with that. Ever been to a place where they do that? “How you doing? Good to see you.” “I could do that.” “Hey, you good?” He didn’t know much about everybody, he’d walk fast. “Good to see you. Mom’s OK Haha!” They’re like, “I don’t know.” He goes, “Gotta run!” “I don’t… Maybe I mentioned a car to this guy… Maybe he has a better memory than me.” He’d always say hello to people. One time, I was maybe 13, but I remember this, so does my brother, the owner of the restaurant got the guy’s name completely wrong. He’s like, “Hey, Bill.” The guy goes, “Actually, my name is…” And he got out of it. Watch. This guy did it. This is real, he did it. When I do it, you’ll be like, “That works.” What’s your name, sir? Kale, that’s a great name. You should change yours to Kale. I’ll say, “How you doing, Bob?” You’ll say, “Actually, it’s Kale.” OK? I’ll walk through, “How ya doing, Bobby?” “It’s Kale.” Give me chance to say my line first, then “It’s Kale.” People fuck it up a lot. -My name’s Kale. That’s all right. Have fun. Good to see ya. You good? You good? The guy was like, “Aw, I will have fun!” How the hell did he just do that? “Have fun.” Put it on him. “Don’t worry about it.”

Sometimes when you do stand up you exaggerate the truth, but I’m being genuine with you. About five years ago, I had a heart attack. -Oh, I had a heart attack! -That’s not even bragging. -Wow! Look at me. -That’s not bragging. -My arteries got clogged. I got thrown in an ambulance! I honestly had a heart attack about five years ago. I’m fine now, don’t be upset. It was after a show, Sarah Silverman & Friends had a show, After… You’d do the show, Sarah’d like to smoke pot. She’d put a friend on as a headliner, me, of course… After the show, I didn’t feel well, I didn’t know what it was. I thought I’d run around the audience too much doing bits. I got off stage feeling ill, thought it would pass. I thought I’d smoked too much. I’m a one-pot hit. Doug Benson was there, lot of other comedians. They had three joints going, it hit me five times, I was like, “Eh.” Finally, I said, “I think I’m too high to go on.” Doug goes, “What was that like?” You’re like it all the time. It’s too high for me, not you. He didn’t understand, he thought he’d never been too high. I can’t handle it. I need to pace myself. I can’t be high where I float in the air. I wish I could let myself go. No matter how much pot I’ve ever smoked, how much mushrooms I’ve done, I’ve only tried those drugs, I still can’t stop cleaning. I don’t know what it would take. I’m gonna try heroin. No, if I did heroin, I’d still dry the sink out. I’d be, you know… Have a… I’d be fainting on the floor like “Must dry sink” on heroin. Finally, an ambulance comes, and I don’t want to get in the ambulance. The paramedic’s pretty smart, he goes, “Why don’t we just put you in and save you a trip to the ER.” It worked. Got in. Two minutes later, he goes, “I don’t want to alarm you, but you’re having a heart attack.” Firstly, that’s alarming, what else will they say or do? “No, that’s cool.” I’d blow a bubble or something, Um… As they go to shut the doors, I have one of those moments, I don’t have them often, but you get a moment where you look at yourself like, “Really, is this how I want to continue this lie?” Cos as they’re shutting the doors, I yell to Sarah, “Call my girlfriend!” Uh-eh… Uh-eh… Very, you know… Uh-eh… Call my girlfriend. Like… Later I asked if she knew what I meant she said yeah. I think from how you said it, “Girlfriend”, everyone knew. You were like, “Girlfriend, right, Sarah? My girlfriend!” What was I afraid of? People going, “He’s having a heart attack. I think he like dudes.”

So, I will tell you this, I don’t talk about it that much cos some of the verbiage is hard for me to maneuver, I’m not crazy about the phrase, “Coming out of the closet”, it seems a bit flamboyant for me. Maybe,“Busting out of the shed” would work a little better. I’d feel cooler. Like… But the um… uh… thing where my friends figured it out was, first of all, I talked about a guy I was with, I’d always said girl, never messed up on stage. Nobody thought it was weird, it shows relationships are relationships. It’s not up for debate. That seems cocky. It’s all the same. Proof of it. I did a 15-year experiment talking out a guy on stage saying it was a girl. Nobody went, “It doesn’t sound like…” All the couples, all sexes, were like, “It’s just like us! Haha!” Well, I got news, fuckface! For 15 years, seriously, “That’s like us! That is just like us!” And that’s my point. It’s the same, right? Sorry, I didn’t meant to yell. Anyway… Granted, I would’ve got caught out if I told some stories, but I never did. If I was like, “So, I was talking to my girlfriend, she was peeing next to me in the bathroom… She wanted to go eat…” People are like, “How does she pee…” And I think that, um… Most friends said they figured out later, some knew, some didn’t care, some said it was by my relationship because you could tell… I always hid behind… Guys that are buddies with their friends argue, sometimes it’s a joke, “You seem like you’re dating”, and they’re just friends, so I hid behind that. But people could tell. I’d go, “No, you said if we did something you wanted to do last week, we could do something I wanted this week, you promised!” People are like, “I think they’re more than friends.” “I have a friend, but we don’t care that much.” Well, that, I think, cheapens it, but… So.. Anyway… They put me in the ambulance, bring me to hospital. we’re in the E.R., a nurse comes, “We have really good news, one of our best surgeons just pulled in.” That’s not good news. And first of all… Secondly, sorry. Can you have two first of alls? What are they gonna do? Go. “A guy just pulled in, bit of a drinker, he’s coming, he’s fun, keeps it light, said he operates blacked out.” They bring me up to the emergency ward and out of nowhere pull my pants off. I’m like, “What?” I know, you’re on so much medicine, you’d think I’d go, “You don’t even realize. You’re out of it, you lay naked.” No. I remember going, “Oh, my God, I’m having a heart attack, they’re looking at my dick. It’s there. “It’s laying there. I can’t go like this. OK, there’s my dick. “There’s my dick. There’s my dick!'” I thought to myself, “These are professional nurses, they’re desensitized to this.” You know what? My paranoia, it could be a first day nurse, like, “Wow, don’t look, I know it seems like they know.” Or guys can look at people’s penises, I’m very open-minded. I shouldn’t make the nurse the woman. It was a guy and a girl. Both staring at my cock. My material is politically correct. Can I say one thing about PC? I’ll be quick. Get ready to stop me. Stop with everyone so PC. It’s just called kind, that’s what it is. Just get over it. Seriously. Just think if you walk around like, “Everyone’s PC,” It’s not PC! It’s just fucking kind. Put a button on it. So I want to talk about my heart attack a bit more. All I want to do is start hitting my penis just to make it… I don’t know if the doctor’s unprofessional. Maybe he’s, “He has a small penis. This guy may have a better life.” Not consciously, maybe unconsciously, “This guy has a bigger dick, we’ll operate on him, then…” So I hit it a little bit. Let me tell you, swimmer shrinkage is one thing, heart attack dick is way worse. Heart attack dick’s like, “Who’s the nice young lady we’re operating on?” These are some jokes I didn’t get to, I think we wrote something for it. Here we go, guys. ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ Now, I really wish I had time to get to these jokes, but I don’t, I’m on a time restraint. This is funny, I’m going to jot it down and work it into a bit, don’t think your laughter means nothing. I’ll do it, just not in this special. I was on a bus, and the driver goes, “Any doctors on board? A lady’s ill.” I said to my friend, “If you’re a doctor on a bus, is that the doctor you want?” More of a… Know what I mean? Is there a financial planner in the Super Show? My wife has a few questions. This is an idea, what I thought, so you know, there’s something there, I gotta do something with it, anybody could do something like this. You know when the TSA pat you down? Just go, “Oh, I came.” I don’t know… I was thinking about opening up a massage parlor. This is definitely something I’ll work on. I was gonna open a massage parlor with happy beginnings. Maybe there’s something. If Cookie Monster loves cookies, why do the cookies fall out? The person eating the cookies should be the Cookie Monster. Maybe he’s a cookie liker. Anyway… That’s probably dated. And then, uh… This is something I wish I’d talked to, I like doing this bit, what if Rodney Dangerfield did Mitch Hedberg jokes? “A guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, I want a regular one later!'” “I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too. You know?” “I saw a sign, it said, ‘Escalator broke.'” “Shouldn’t it say, ‘Escalator temporarily stairs?'” Anyway, I wish I had time for that bit, but I don’t, so… Todd, we love that bit! -Well, I don’t have time for it. -It’s our favorite bit! -It’s our favorite bit, Todd! -Come on! It’s the only reason we showed up. I got one thing to say. the acting isn’t so great. Anyway… I do want to know if there is a bit I didn’t do, yell it out, I’ll do it. OK, mumbling Rodney. Now, mumbling Rodney is just… Do you know Roger Dangerfield was the first… Roger Dangerfield was a comedian, many don’t know, because Roger complained, but didn’t make it funny, he’d go, “My son’s not too smart, he’s doing bad in school.” OK. but… “My wife, I’m in a horrible relationship, it’s hard.” The audience was like, “We feel bad for you.” “My wife’s not a good cook, we don’t enjoy it.” He gets it, there’s something there. “My daughter’s not too bright, it shows when she talks with bad verbiage.” People’d be like, “There’s something there.” But Rodney figured how to make it funny, “The other day there was this thing with a penguin… The other day I was walking around… I tell you my daughter did this thing with a muffler. You know? I’ll tell ya, my son sits around the house with a shed… My wife’s not too great either with a… Bada ho… Huda ha! Whoa. Hey! Ha! Ho, hey, ho. ha!” This is a professional show. Well… Wow, you people are nice! Seriously nice, not just me saying. What was that Who was that? That’s not cos your phone went off. No, no, no. Don’t make me a bad guy. Please don’t make me a bad guy. I know it hurts, next time you’ll remember to order prop bottles. You gotta teach ’em. I saw Whiplash, hit them on the head with a bottle or they don’t learn. Here’s the thing, ever have something where you think… You’ve figured out the world’s problems? “That’s what it all leads back to.” It’s all about empathy. I’ve figured it out. We could move faster… I’m being very serious, I’m passionate about this, talk about it 24/7. People come to my house, I talk about it. I go, “Why talk about it?” They go, “No matter what we talk about, you start talking about it.” “That’s like people saying we should go back to how we were.” People go, “It isn’t. I guess he’s segueing into his thought.” Um… It’s always kids today. I know there are people that if I don’t be specific with might go, “I don’t do that.” A 25-year old here going, “No.” It starts stopping at 25. Let me take the tone out of my, really try to stop it. Many say, “Kids today…” I know everyone wants to go… They’re brilliant, I’m not talking about every kid. The masses, you gotta admit, aren’t… It’s not how it works. It’s not up for debate. Blenders get better, kids get smarter, that’s the way it is. People go, “Kids today…” If kids today had a Yelp review, young adults, I should say, it would be impeccable. While they’re doing things, whatever they’re fighting for, people think it’s up for debate, 40 years later we look back and go, “They’re right almost every fucking time.” Next time there’s young people doing something you don’t understand, you don’t have to do it, but listen. Go, “They have an amazing Yelp review, of being on the right side of history.” You know when people go, “Ah”. The reason you may not think it, you see them on their phones and go, “They’re on their phones.” You don’t hang out with young people, so have a version of what they’re like. Here’s an example. Excuse me, I’ve had a few drinks. You’d… Nobody… The way you become prejudiced to a group, is there’s none of those people in your life. Nobody goes, “I’ll have a hundred Jewish friends and I hate Jewish people.” No. Except maybe Jewish people, that’s another thing. The reason you don’t have any kids in your life, say you work in an office, a 19-year old’s having a party. He’ll invite a 75-year old working there, go, “They’re so cool, gotta invite them!” But they won’t invite you if they always hear you going, “It was better. There are no good bands these days. Everything was better back then.” Who the fuck wants you at a party? Even if you’re right, I need some dumb 40-year old saying there are no good bands? This is the 40-year old who doesn’t go see bands doesn’t go to hip places where cool new bands play, he watches bands on TV and goes, “I was born in a better time.” Well, guess what? Shama Lama Ding Dong’s on your dime! Hold on. Then… I got one more thing. People go, “Oh, the kids, you know what? Kids today won’t be able to read maps in five years.” Two things. Firstly, who gives a shit? Secondly, they’re not going to be able to churn butter, either! They can’t make smoke signals. Know why they can’t read a map? And they can, I’m going with your premise, cos I gotta beat it outta ya. The reason they can’t read a map, is cos they invented one on their phone that reads to them, ya dumb fuck! And these are the same people that are like, “Oh, you can’t say anything anymore. You can’t say anything anymore.” You know who says that? Most of the time, people with nothing fucking to say! Know when they say that? Not when wanting to write poetry or music everyone disagrees with, when corrected for using gay, retarded, fag as adjectives. Further back, “Jew me down”, that’s when they, “You can’t say anything anymore!” What the fuck are you saying that it inhibits you? What are your censors like? “I can’t say retarded or fag or Jew me down… “what am I gonna talk about?” These are the same people that go, “What’s next?” We’re onto you. Let’s make it clear what these “what’s next?” people are. They act like they’re OK with something, “I’m OK with gay marriage, but what’s next?” What do you give a shit? You sound like you’re saying, “I’m tired of evolving”. I’m not asking you to stop it, I’m going “Know what it sounds like…” When you get tired of growing, and go, “I already became OK with that, now I have to get to know this group of people?” You sound like, “Should I keep growing ’til I die? Next time there’s a group of people and I don’t understand their lifestyle, I’ll take a little time, learn about them and end up loving them!” These same people go, “There wasn’t depression.” They have some deluded thing, “There wasn’t depression back then.” Yeah, people drank themselves to death! There was shit going on. “We didn’t have peanut allergies then. When I was growing up, we didn’t have peanut allergies.” They were called “unexplained deaths”, you dumb fuck! That’s how to close a show. Goodnight everybody! One of you pooped. I know it. It was not me. Honest. You pooped. – Seriously… -You pooped. It’s very unprofessional to ask who pooped. -It’s unprofessional, you know. -You pooped. It doesn’t matter, you’ll never find out, I know. -You pooped. You pooped. -I did not. -It’s unprofessional. -You pooped.


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