[Haddish] People think they know everything about me.
Well, here’s something they probably don’t know.
[low cymbal roll]
[Haddish] ♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila Venis mecha ♪
♪ Hava nagila Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila Venis mecha ♪
[audience whoos, claps]
[“Hava Nagila” by Tiffany Haddish plays]
♪ Hava neranena ♪
♪ Hava neranena ♪
♪ Hava neranena
Venis mecha ♪
♪ Tonight, tonight ♪
[audience clapping to beat]
♪ Let’s party ♪
♪ Let’s party, let’s party, tonight ♪
[clapping to beat]
♪ They call me Tiffany ♪
♪ And I’m here to say ♪
♪ I’m gonna make you laugh
Real hard baby ♪
♪ When I do my thing, on the microphone ♪
♪ Ain’t none of y’all going home alone ♪
♪ You gonna leave with thoughts
You gonna leave with this ♪
♪ You might leave with a little pee on you, miss ♪
♪ I’m here to teach, so listen up ♪
♪ Sometimes I’m good, sometimes I suck ♪
♪ I’mma tell you about what happened in Miami
♪ Also gonna talk my granny and the Grammy’s ♪
♪ How you let the boys
Play in there is crazy ♪
♪ Assure their hands are clean
Don’t wanna foamy fanny ♪
♪ Short play all the way up in my punani ♪
♪ Parasites all up and listen, yes ♪
♪ I’m a little bit of a scientist ♪
♪ I’m an energy producer and I’m comin’ with it ♪
♪ Sing “Ready, babe, Black Mitzvah, bitch” ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ It’s the Black Mitzvah ♪
♪ She ready ♪
♪ Black Mitzvah ♪
♪ Yeah, it’s the Black Mitzvah ♪
♪ She ready ♪
♪ Black Mitzvah ♪
[clapping to the beat]
♪ Black Mitzvah, bitch ♪
I’m Jewish. Mm-hmm. Everybody don’t know that about me. I’m Jewish and I hope that you are all here ready to celebrate tonight. Tonight is a celebration!
[whoos of agreement] [clapping]
‘Cuz I have finally come into my full grown womanhood. I’m a grown-ass woman.
Okay, I have survived the foster care system.
I have survived homelessness. [clapping] I even survived the Swamp Tour with the Fresh Prince while I was high as fuck. [whooping, laughing] So why not celebrate, huh? Here’s the thing. My father is from Eritrea. I don’t know if you ever heard of this place. It’s on the east side of Africa, [cheers] one of the most beautiful places. It’s the real Wakanda, baby. [rounds of whoos] There was a war there for 30 years. And my father was from there. He’s an Eritrean Jew. And he came here to America, met my mom at a gas station, and booyah! [roaring laughter] [clapping, whooing]
So tonight, welcome… to my black mitzvah baby!
It’s where I’m from. I grew up right here in South Central Los Angeles. [whoos] Do you know how difficult it is to be black and Jewish in the hood? [audience laughs] I knew how to count but I couldn’t read that good. [laughing, whooping] [rounds of clapping, laughing] Y’all can sit down now if y’all want to. [laughs, whoos] And on that road, on that long road to womanhood, you know, I grew up in South Central Los Angeles and it’s a lot of lessons. [whoos of agreement] A lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way because I really didn’t have no one particular person to raise me. The world raised me. And I’ve learned a lot of things. I’m here tonight to share with you. It’s my mitzvah. I’m here to teach. [whooing] [clapping]
And one thing that I’ve learned is that [clicks tongue, clears throat] it was really hard for me to breathe after that little dance routine. [audience laughs] That little song and dance– ‘cuz I… [whoos] ‘Cuz see, what had happened was, uh, [uproarious laughter] I have stopped smoking cigarettes like 10 months ago, right? [round of whoos] And…yeah. [cheering, clapping] Thank you. I stopped smoking cigarettes and I started to… eat. [chuckles] [audience laughs] And my heritage started to kick in. [chuckling] You know how most people, they get houses, cars, things like that. Well, you know, [puffs in mic, laughs] my inheritance was that DNA. I inherited this ass. [cheering, clapping] And I ain’t gonna lie to you. I like my inheritance a lot! [audience screams with laughter] Oh, I love my ass. [whooping] [clapping]
But I knew that if things are getting a little out of control when I would walk around the house with no panties on and I would hear round of applause. I would hear clapping. [audience laughs] I was like, who is clapping in here? Who is– who is clapping over here? It was my ass. It was my ass. [whooping] [rounds of laughing, clapping] [inhales, steadily exhales] [continued laughing]
You know, what’s crazy is Ms. Tina, Ms. Tina Knowles-Lawson, Beyoncé mama. She had invited me– I got invited to her birthday party, right? But she didn’t invite me, somebody else had. They didn’t know I was gonna be there. So what happened was– [whooing, laughing] [clapping] I was at the birthday party, right? And Beyoncé had came in. And her suit was banging. And I was like, “Oh my God, this suit is amazing!” She said the suit was from Christian Siriano. I was like, “Christian Siriano made that suit? Oh, I know Christian Siriano. I’mma ask him to make me a suit too.”
She’s like, “Okay.” So then… [audience howls] When he sent me the suit, right? He gave it to me fresh off the runway, right? I couldn’t even pull it up on my thighs or nothing. It didn’t fit. So I was like kind of devastated. So then I thought to myself, “Let me call Beyoncé mama. Just take a shot in the dark to see if she let me borrow that suit, right?” So I called Beyoncé mama. I said, “Hey, Ms. Tina, how you doing? [audience laughs] You know that suit that Beyoncé was wearing that night at the party, do you think that Beyoncé will let me borrow it?” She was like, “You know what’s crazy? She was talking about gifting that to you. But I don’t know if you going to be able to fit it. You know, Beyoncé had three kids and you didn’t have none.” I was like… [roaring whoos] Well… [rounds of clapping] We’ll see, you know. [audience cackling] We’ll see, I– [blows lips] Girl, I got a needle and thread. Don’t worry about that. [laughter]
So then, she called Beyoncé. The next day, the suit is at my house. The suit is like at my front door. I was like, “Oh my God. Beyoncé is the most dopest person [uproarious cheering] in the whole wide world!” [whistling in agreement] Beyoncé is the epitome of women supporting other women. That’s girl power to the fullest, like, she supporting other women. That’s what I love about her, right? And then, I had put the suit on. And it fit me perfectly! It was a little loose in the titties ‘cuz I don’t have none. [audience laughing] But it fit me perfectly, right? It fit me perfectly. So then, I called Beyoncé mama, said, “Hey, Ms. Tina. It fit perfect. The suit fit perfect.” She was like, “It do?” I said, “Yeah, it was a little loose on the breast area but everything else fits perfectly.” And she was like, “For real?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “Wow, I’m shocked.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Shots fired, Ms. Tina!” [audience laughing] [Haddish chuckles]
So my homegirl’s like, “We should go to the gym. Let’s go to the gym. Like, your body used to be banging. You was a track star. Used to run cross-country, used to do all these things. Get that body back. Get back in the gym, Tiffany. Get back in the gym.” I said, “I became a comedian so that I could get fat if I felt like it bitch.” [roars of laughter] Stupid! [continued laughing] And yes, I’m drinking out of a plastic straw. [audience chuckles] ‘Cuz I’m a motherfucking rebel. [laughing, clapping] I know it’s illegal. [rounds of howling laughter] I can smoke some weed up here and that’s totally legal. But drinking out of the straw… [laughing, whooing] So bad. [continued laughing] [giggles] You looking like you want to call the police on a bitch.
[audience whoos, laughs]
But real shit, my friends were like, “Tiffany, you got to go to the gym. Come with us to the gym. Let’s go work out. Come on. Let’s go out. Let’s go to the gym. Let’s work out.” Fuck the gym! [audience roars with laughter] “Gotta get your cardio. Gotta get your cardio in.” Fine. I’ll get my cardio in. I’ll skip. [laughter] I’mma skip around the block two times [audience laughing] with my bonnet on. I’mma tell you right now, you can– I still stay in South Central Los Angeles. I can skip around my block no matter what time of day or night. Ain’t nobody finna fuck with no bitch that skip. [laughing, clapping] [whoos] [continued clapping] If ever you feel like danger is around. Bitch start skipping. [howling laughter] Ain’t no body ’bout to fuck with a bitch that skip! [whooping] I mean, either she fucking happy or she crazy! [audience laughs] If ever you’re driving down Crenshaw and you see a chick with a bonnet on, [hollering] cellphone in hand, and a full-blown skip, [audience clapping] [cackling] that’s me. [audience roars with laughter] [clapping, hollering] ♪ Do you know the muffin man… ♪ [Haddish laughs] [laughing, clapping] Full-blown skipper. [guffaws]
I’m here to teach. [cackling] And becoming a woman, I’ve learned a lot of things. I think I’m a scientist. Personally, [audience whoos] I think I’m a lightweight scientist. People always say, “Tiffany, when you first got money, what did you buy? What’s the first big purchase? Your first big purchase?” A motherfucking microscope. [whooping, clapping] I went straight to Amazon and I bought me a microscope ‘cuz I was like, “I need to see what the fuck is going on out here.” [laughter] Bought me a $325 microscope that I can hook up to my computer. I can take pictures of the bacterias and the germs and the parasites. [laughs, whoos] Then I can upload them to Google and I can find out exactly what the fuck it is. Dude come to my house. “Drink off this cup. Let’s see what happens.” [laughter] [chuckling] You can go home. I’ll see you in five to seven days. [whooping] I need to see what the fuck grow out of that motherfuckin’ mouth. [audience laughs] This mo’fucker got a yeasty-ass throat. [laughter] [hollering in disgust] [shrieking] [cackling] He said, “Gee.” Is that too much for you, sir? Is the science– Is the science too much for you? [cackling] Now you wanna know if you yeasty, don’t you? [uproarious laughter] Look at you. He’s like, “Haha-ha.” [laughing, hollering] Now that tongue a little white. [audience laughs] Might got some candidosis on that bitch. [laughing]
Parasites is real though. Parasites is a real fucking thing. Parasites is a real thing. Every single one of us human beings, all of us, every human… We all got parasites inside of us. [laughter] It’s crazy like, we’re made up of like a billion million parasites. And then our minds, our minds is the government, right? And like, so the parasites like, listen to your mind. If you’re in control of your mind, then you can run everything up in here, right? But if you’re not in control of your mind, then the parasites run you. [whooping] [laughing] Let me say it again. [laughter] If you’re not in control of your mind, [continued laughter] the parasites run you. [audience whoos] So you gotta be in control of this right here. Now so… so like, for me anyways, you know, like… [clicks tongue] People be like, “Tiffany, you got an attitude.” No, I don’t got an attitude. My parasites got an attitude. [uproarious laughter] [clapping] [cackling] “Tiffany, Tiffany, you talk too much.” I don’t talk too much. My parasites talk too much. [whooping, laughing] “Tiffany, I don’t know. You’re a borderline alcoholic.” I’m not no alcoholic. [audience screaming with laughter] My parasite is an alcoholic. [cheering] They like the vodka. [fading claps] Anyway… [sighs] You have to work at it everyday, though. You gotta work at it every day. Some days the parasites, they just… [stammers] they fucking wild. They wild. I get tired. I get really tired ‘cuz I work really hard. You ever have like a really bad day at work? [whoos of agreement] Like one of them days you’re like, “Why did I wake up today? [chuckling] I should’ve stayed asleep on this day. I should’ve called in pregnant. That’s what I should’ve did.” [laughter]
One of them days. I have one of them days last year. On the last day of last year was that day for me. It was a bad day. [laughing] It was one of them days when I was like, “Fuck.” [laughing continues] See, what had happened was– [howling laughter] Lemma tell you what had happened. What had happened was… Last year, I worked my ass off, like… [sharp exhale] I only had 40 days off. And out of those 40 days, I only slept in my actual bed 28. ‘Cuz I was fuckin’ the rest , ‘cuz… [laughing] Parasites. [whooping] [cheering, clapping] [woman whoos] And… [chuckles] Like, hold up– Y’all this mic pack is trying to fuck me in the ass. [roaring laughter] I just can’t, it is like… [stammers] And I got on the Spanx. It’s like cutting up the– [laughing] I’m ’bout to be molested up here. This is… [laughter] [stammers] I want to finish the joke. But if this mic pack touch my ass one more time… [laughing, clapping] That’s it. The parasites gonna have to do its business with this mic pack. [laughing] ‘Cuz I don’t know if y’all noticed, I ain’t got no boyfriend. Anything with a battery in it, I’m trying to fuck. [cackling] [clapping] [hollering] I’m trying to fuck it, y’all.
[screaming laughter, whooping]
Oh, mic pack! [audience laughs] Can you look at it? [giggles] It’s in there, boy. [laughter] I got that little arch on my back, so it slides down, slide, slide… Ah, it’s nasty. Feel like a dick just running up and down. [howling laughter[ It’s so hard. Yes. It feel like a hard dick. [laughing] The fuck I’m sayin’… Y’all should see how much Saran wrap I got on under this bitch. [cheering] [whooping, clapping] [Haddish laughs] [audience whoos] [Haddish chuckling] When I take this shit off, it’s gonna be like… [whooshing] [audience laughs] That’s right, white woman, sweep these floors. [laughter] That’s right. Clean up, clean up. That’s what I’m talking about. Yeah! [cheering] See how I do it, bitch? [Haddish sneering] [laughter] [audience whoos] [whooing intensifies] [clapping, whistling] [continued whooing] [woman] Yes! [clapping fading] So. [whooping] Thank you. I love you for loving me. I appreciate you.
So let me tell you what had happened, so… [laughs] [audience laughing] So I’m at work, right? I’m at work on a movie set. The next day, I fly out to Miami, right? I fly out to Miami. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in Miami, but this is where the devil lives, okay? [uproarious laughter] I’m telling you, the devil live there. You gotta be careful there, okay? I didn’t know. I found out. So what had happened– So I get to the hotel. It’s late at night. It’s about ten o’clock at night when I get to my hotel. All my friends are in town, right? Because they all want to go to Tiffany Haddish’s New Years Eve show. Yay! It’s gonna be so much fucking fun, right? [audience laughing] It’s… They out there, they calling me, “Tiff, what you doing? What you doing?” I said, “I’m going to bed, man. I’m tired. I just flew in. I just left the set, I’m tired, I’m going to bed.” And then– Anybody got that one friend, that one friend that can motivate you to do shit -you ain’t got no damn business doing. [audience laughing] That friend that can make you move [drawn out] into doing things you know you’re gonna go to jail for. [audience laughs] You ever see that movie “Pinocchio”? [laughter] And then when Pinocchio was trying to go to school. He’s trying to be a good boy. Just a good little boy. And his friend came in, saying, “Let’s go have fun, let’s go do something cool. Let’s… He’s like, “Yeah, we go!” And they turned into fucking donkeys. They turned into jackasses. That’s what the fuck happened to me!
My friend called me, she’s like, “Tiffany, come on, let’s go out.” I’m like, “Nah, girl. I gotta go to bed.” She’s like, “Tiffany, have you celebrated this year?” I was like, “What do you mean? Have I celebrated?” “Did you celebrate?” [laughing] “Celebrate what, bitch? What are you talking about?” [laughing] “Tiffany. You was the very first African American female stand-up comedian to host SNL. And you won an Emmy for that. [cheering] You won an Emmy for it! [continued cheering] Did you celebrate? Did you celebrate, Tiffany?” I said, “No. I went to my next job trying to get an Emmy for that motherfucker.” [laughter] She said, “Okay. But you was in a movie with Kevin Hart and it made over a hundred million dollars. [audience whoos] You was in a movie that made a hundred million dollars. Did you go out to celebrate that, Tiffany?” I said, “No– You know what? Yes, I did. I celebrated by cashing that check from that movie that made a hundred million.” [whoos] That was my celebration. [clapping] Thank you. Check it! [laughter] She said, “But Tiffany, when you were 16, you could not read. You learned how to read. And then you wrote a book. And it came out and it was on the New York’s Best Seller’s list. You did an audio book. And that was on the New York’s Best Seller’s list. And you got nominated for a Grammy for reading out loud, bitch! [uproarious laughter] Did you celebrate? Did you celebrate? [cheering] Gettin’ the Grammy for reading out loud. Do you know how inspiring that is to people that hate readin’? Bitch, there’s people out here who can’t see that can read. Now they finna be reading, to get Grammys!” [laughter] I said, “Girl. No, I’m not working on my Hooked on Phonics program so I can write a better book that’s more eloquent.” [audience laughs] She said, “Tiffany. It’s gonna be a gang of dick in the club.” I said, “You should’ve just said that in the first place!” [howling laughter] [clapping] [whoos]
I was out there partying my ass off, dancing, drinking, drinking more than I ever drank in my whole entire life. I was drinking everything. Anything somebody handed to me, I was drinking it. Man, I was so messed up, my kidneys failed on me. I was… [sighs] I’m pretty sure I peed in the Uber. I know my Uber rating went down. [roaring laughter] Got me to the hotel. Boom, I went to sleep, right? They wake me up in the middle of the day, said, “Tiffany, you got to do a video. You got to do a video to let everybody know where you gonna be at tonight. Got to let everybody know.” And I said, “Oh, okay. But I don’t feel so good. [groans] I don’t think I should do it.” They said, “Get out in the sun. You can do it.” If you see this video, this video will tell you this is not gonna be a good show. [roaring laughter] This show is gonna be horrible. I didn’t know where the fuck I was gonna be performing at. It was bad. It was just a… It was another bad choice. It’s a bad idea. Just look. What up, y’all. This is me, Tiffany. [screaming laughter] I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve been out here in Miami since yesterday this night [whooping, clapping] or early this morning. And I partied. I partied all night. I can’t open my eyes, y’all. [laughter] Not even that, I partied all morning. I went to bed at seven. It’s whatever time it is right now. I’m up. [howling laughter] I’mma do the show tonight. New Year’s Eve. Uh-huh. I’m about to party. About to party some more! [laughing] Who comin’ to party with me? Who comin’ to ring in the New Year with me? It’s James… I don’t know the name of the place. I forget the name of the theater. [roaring laughter] Go to my website Tiffanyhaddish.com, you find out where it’s at. You can tell my breath stinks. James L. Knight Center Theater. -[laughing] – James L. Theater Center–Knight! [continued laughing] The Ciroc’s still in my system. The, the party’s gonna… The party’s gonna be so lit! Get your tickets, Tiffanyhaddish.com! [cackling] New Year’s Eve. Let’s go! Yeah!
[uproarious laughter, cheering]
She was not ready! [laughter] She not ready. Anybody with any common sense is gonna be like, “That show’s gonna be bad. She don’t even know where the fuck she at.” [laughing] Wind blowin’ through my partial weave, two tracks slapping in the back. [laughing] You can barely see it, but it’s back there flapping. Horrible. I go back to sleep. They wake me up, “Tiffany, it’s time to get to the theater. Get to the theater, “We gotta do your makeup.” I can’t sit up. I can’t sit up in the chair straight. They said, “Lay on the couch.” It was like they was getting me ready for my funeral. I was just laying there dead. [laughter] [howling laughter] I was dead. [continued laughter] I was dead! [cackling] I was dead! [whooping] Look at that. Trying to hold my coochie ‘cuz I think somebody’s gonna steal it! [uproarious laughter] That’s usually what happens when you sleep like that in public. [Haddish, audience laughing] [Haddish chuckling] [cackling] The shit is horrible!
They wake me up. “Come on, come on, get up to the stage. Come on. You gotta get to the stage.” They get me to the stage. I hear them announce me. Right before the announcement, you know, the comic on stage was killing. They killing. I’m like, I’m sitting there. I’m hurting. I’m just… I’m like this. [laughter] [continued laughter] ‘Cuz my kidneys ain’t came back yet. They ain’t… They go, “Tiffany, you ready?” I’m like… “She ready.” [roaring laughter] [continued laughter] They said, “Pull yourself together. Come on!” I said, “Okay, okay.” Said, “You sold out this theater, Tiffany. You sold it out. You’re gonna knock this out the park. Come on.” “Okay. [whimpers] Okay, let’s go.” [laughter] They announced me. I come out. I walk out like ain’t shit wrong with me. [audience laughs] [howling laughter] [clapping] All these people standing up. Thousands of people. Over 4000 people standing on their feet, cheering for me. All these cellphone lights, 3000 cellphone lights up in the air, making it even brighter. And I’m looking out. And my soul looking out. [laughter] And my soul looked at me and said, “Bye, bitch.” [uproarious laughter] [clapping] I said, “Wait! [strained] Wait! Don’t leave!” She said, “Mm-mm, we don’t do cellphones. Cellphones be snitching. We don’t do that. [audience laughs] And that’s why y’all shit locked up till this day. [continued laughing] [clapping] Why y’all shit locked up.” [clapping fading] The next day, the next day, right? [laughs]
The next day, I get home. I go to sleep. I wake up. When I open up my phone, it’s like on the front page of Google: “Tiffany Haddish bombs in Miami, does a horrible New Year’s Eve show. Oh my God, it’s horrible.” Right? I’m just like, “Oh, well.” I just tweeted, “Yeah, this happened. I’m so sorry. I’ll make sure I prayed on it. I’ll make sure this never happens again.” Right? And I leave it alone. Hours later, I started getting these phone calls. First, Kevin Hart calls me. [affected accent] “Tiffany! [audience laughs] You alright?” I said, “Yeah, I’m good.” “You sure?” I said, “Yeah, I’m sure.” He said, “You ain’t gonna kill yourself or nothing, are you?” I said, “No. Why would I kill myself?” “Shit. I’m just sayin’.” [blows lips] [chuckles] “What? [indistinct vocalizations] [hissing, coughing] [indistinct vocalizations] The fuck? Kevin? Are you dodging tennis balls? Why are you making this noise?” [audience laughs] “Just making sure you’re good.” “I’m good, Kevin. I’m good.” “All right. All right.” Click. He hanged up. Then I get a call– Oprah Winfrey. [audience whoos] Oprah Winfrey calls me. [affected, drawn out] “Tiffany! [roaring laughter] [clapping] I know that you’re gonna have better shows.” I said, “Thank you, Oprah. When we’re gonna start gardening?” “Gotta call you back. Bye!” [audience laughs] Then Martin Luther King called me. I said, “Well, God damn! [laughing] I’m bringing the dead back with my bad-ass show?” [howling laughter] [clapping, whooing]
Now here’s the crazy thing. Here’s the crazy thing. Sinbad called me. Now, to me, that is fucking amazing. Sinbad! He’s a legend. And my mom, my mom is in love with Sinbad. When I was growing up, my mom was pretty mean to me, right? She used to say stuff to me like, “Dang, you bald-headed on the side. I can see your thoughts.” I’m like, “Damn, mom! [roaring laughs] You did my hair.” “Who dressed you? You look like a dirty little kid.” “You dressed me! You, mama!” [laughing] She said some mean stuff to me, like “You look like your ugly-ass daddy. You ain’t gonna be shit.” Well, look at me now, bitch. [cackles] [cheering] [clapping] I started thinking to myself, “My mama, she might be mean to me. But the only reason she’s mean to me is because she knows that I’m the better version of her. [laughing] It’s like she’s Pic ‘N’ Save, and I’m Big Lots. [roaring laughter, cheers] [Haddish laughs] She was in love with Sinbad. She used to talk about Sinbad all the time, right? So when he called me, my first thought was, “I should fuck Sinbad, get pregnant, and make my mama babysit.” [audience laughs] That’s the ultimate revenge right there. [laughing] But then I was like, “Nah, he probably too old.” [laughter] But then we started to talk, right? He said, “Tiffany, how you doing? How you holding up?” I said, “I’m good. I’m holding up good.” He said, “Let me tell you something. I had shows on New Year’s Eve too. And I did bad, man. Two shows. Both of them were really bad.” I said, “For real?” He said, “Yeah, man. But, you know, what’s crazy is, nobody talked about my show. So, you know what that means.” I said, “What?” He said, “Cuz you know, they all talked about you.” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “That means you made it. You a star.” [whooing, clapping] [cheering intensifies] [whoos]
But it’s crazy ‘cuz like, [stammering] I’m so always like… I have a big heart. And I feel… I think I feel everything. Like, [clicks tongue] three weeks ago, I was asleep, right? Sleeping good. Then in the middle of the night, two o’clock in the morning, I wake up. And my heart was so hurt. I was just hurting. I don’t know why. And I went ahead, and I tweeted about it, right? I said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why I woke up crying. But I feel much better now that I prayed about it. And I went back to sleep, right? When I woke up– This is how I know I’m famous. When I woke up, that shit was on the front page of my Google again, talking about “Tiffany Haddish claims depression. It says crying was cathartic.” I was like, “First of… [intensifies] What the fuck is ‘cathartic’?
Ain’t no body says shit about catharticism. Okay? I don’t even know what religion that is!” [roaring laughter] Then I looked it up and I was like, “Oh… [laughter] Okay, ‘cathartic’. Alright.” But I didn’t say I was depressed. And I know, I know what depression is, first-hand. I know. I was homeless three different times in my life. I know what the fuck depression is. And they even gave me medication for it. I’mma tell you right now, alright? I don’t like that medication. I don’t like it at all. I rather be moist and crazy… [exhales] [laughing] than dry and sane. That medication dry you up! [cheering, clapping] They dry you up! [whooing] Do you know how hard it is to walk fast when your coochie dry? [laughter] You ever see them older ladies try to cross the street? They had to hunch in like that. They crawled up like a shrimp. Like this, right here. [cackling] When they crawled up like that right there, that mean they coochie dry. [audience laughs] You gotta walk with your legs cocked open like this. You gotta walk slow. [laughing, clapping] ‘Cuz if you move fast, your coochie’s just gonna blow up. [puffs into mic] [laughing] It’s gonna catch on fire. Gotta put Carmex on your lips and shit. [whooing] [audience laughs] Sorry, that was funny to me. [laughter] I did that one time. It tingled too much. [screaming cackles] Carmex is not for your coochie lips, just so you know. [audience laughs] They should put that on the container. [laughing]
But it was crazy to me ‘cuz people keep talking about it, they were talking about it like, “Oh, Tiffany’s claiming her depression.” And I was not depressed. I just felt hurt for a moment. And I cried and I think personally, me, I believe that crying is a removal of old beliefs and a replacement of new ones. You gotta remember, see, we were all born crying. That was your first mode of communication. That’s the first way you communicate, crying. Like babies, that’s their first way to communicate, right? Nobody goes, the baby be in the bed, sleeping. The baby’s like– [wailing] [giggling] Nobody’s like, [laughing] “That baby is manic. [continued laughing] Somebody get that baby some Paxil, please.” [howling laughter] [clapping] [chuckles] But nobody says those babies need therapy. Nobody says those babies need any kind of drugs. All they say is “Hold the baby. Love the baby. Talk to the baby. Communicate with the baby.” So what does that say that we need? Somebody to hold us sometimes, love on us, communicate with us. [cheering] And then maybe, [whooing] maybe you won’t feel so fucked up! [audience laughs] [uproarious cheers] Any questions? I’m here to teach. [audience laughs]
Speaking of babies, I was at this party, right? I was at this party and it was popping. And Drake’s dad was there. I don’t know if y’all seen Drake’s dad. [woman whoos] You know who Drake is, right? The rapper? Well, his dad was at the party, so was Drake. But his dad was there. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seen him, but he looked like the black Inspector Gadget. [laughing] Mixed with Super Fly. [whooing] And he was talking to me. He was like, “Tiffany, you got a very bright career ahead of you. You plan on having any kids? You plan on having any babies? I was like, “Ah, I don’t know. If God want me to, maybe in the next two or three years. Maybe. Otherwise, I’ll just adopt. Get some foster kids or something like that.” He said, “Well, you let me know. [laughing] Let me know. I make stars. You know, Drake is my son. Heh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I know. Hold on one second, Mister Gadget.” [laughter] “Drake. Drake. Drake, Drake! Drake! Drake.” [laughing] He’s like, “What, Tiff, what?” [clears throat] “Can I talk to you for a sec? Come here. Let me talk to you for a second.” He was like, “What? What’s up?” “Look here, Drake. [stammers] I would much rather be your baby mama… than your step mama. Get your daddy, n*gga. [roaring laughter] Get your daddy! [whooing] Get him!”
You know what’s crazy, is like– One of the things that I learned in life is like how to survive, right? Like I’m a survivor. [giggles] Mm. [laughs] [laughing] [chuckles] And when I was younger, it was so crazy ‘cuz like I would hook up with dudes ‘cuz I was like so hungry. I weighed like a hundred pounds and I was starving. And I would like, you know, go out for dinner and lunch, and breakfast, and… [audience laughs] [laughs] I was hungry. And… I’d be like, “Oh shoot, my cycle late. Oh my God, what am I going to do? And then I would just go to Six Flags and I would get on every roller coaster [laughing] like six or seven times and I drink a fifth of Hennessy. And… [laughter] Then my cycle would start. That’s how you do… [whooing] an abortion on a budget. [cackling] [clapping] That was the late 1900s. [giggles] [continued laughter] [Haddish exhales slowly] Yup. But it’s not even a joke. It’s the truth. That’s when… [clapping] That’s what you learn in foster care, thinking like, “How am I gonna get rid of this!” I can’t afford Planned Parenthood. [audience laughs] “You got Coca-Cola cans?” “Yeah. Six Flags.” [roaring laughter] [clapping] [cackling] I don’t think either one of these companies is gonna sponsor me. [laughing, whooing] But I ain’t got no kid! [laughs] [audience laughs] [continued laughing] It’s what happens when you raise yourself. It’s the shit I learned, man. It’s the things I’m just here to teach. [laughing, clapping] [cheering]
One of the valuable lessons I learned in life that I think every woman should know is, you know… Never let anybody with dirty hands touch your cuckoo. [laughter] I learned this lesson the hard way in life. I learned it the hard way. I was about 17, right? I was on the school bus, alright? It was after the track practice, and this boy I liked or whatever, and he is like, you know, we was making out. He’s like, “Can I touch your coochie?” I was like, “Okay.” [audience laughs] And I let him touch it. Next day, I was itching like a motherfucker. [laughing] I was itching bad. I was like, “Oh, shit. Something’s wrong.” And I went to my homegirl and I was like, [inhales] “Girl, [cackles] I think he gave me AIDS.” [howling laughter] She was like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “My coochie itching really bad. I’m pretty sure it’s AIDS.” She was like, “No, Tiffany. I heard my mom talking about this. You just need to put– It’s something white. Yeah, mayonnaise. Put mayonnaise on. [screaming laughter] I was like, “What?” She was like, “Yeah, put mayonnaise on it.” So I went home. I put mayonnaise on my cuckoo. [audience laughs] I went to sleep. When I woke up, my left coochie lip was gone, y’all.
[screaming laughter] [clapping]
My whole left lip was gone. My right lip was on super swole. I was like, “Uh-oh. I’m growing a penis. [cackling] I’m going through the change.” [continued laughing] So I thought, “Or maybe… Okay, maybe I’m not going through the change. Maybe it’s just an infection. What Grandma say if you get an infection? Oh yeah, put some peroxide on it.” [audience oohs] So… [blowing hard into mic]
[audience laughs] My coochie looked like it had rabies. [laughing] I was foaming. It was bad. [chuckles] [continued laughing] I went to her, she’s like, “Girl, you stupid.”
I was like, “Nobody raised me, bitch! I’m just going off things that I hear from other people! [laughing] This is why I’m glad there’s the Internet now. This was the 1900s. The bitch didn’t know no better. [laughing, clapping] [continued laughing] [Haddish snickering] It was so bad. I went back to sleep. I went to bed to sleep. When I woke up, my right coochie lip looked like it was a hot dog in the microwave for too long. [audience laughs] [screaming laughter] We’re not gonna show that image. [roaring laughter] [clapping] [whoos] Turns out I just had a yeast infection on steroids. So what did we learn from this? Dirty nails, dirty D. That motherfucker can’t touch me. [laughing] And… [clapping] Don’t put mayonnaise on your pussy. [chuckles] [audience laughs] [clapping, cheering] You know, when I was homeless in the city full of my family members, right? And this is the thing, like, now that I’m successful, family members feel like they could just ask me for money. Just ask me, just like, like I owe them. Like, wait, hold up, bitch. [laughing] When I was sleeping in my Geo Metro two-door hatchback and it was middle of winter, and I asked if I could come over and sleep on your couch and you told me no. [shouts of affirmation] Why do you think I’mma give you a dime? [audience laughs] “Because blood is thicker than the cold.” No, it ain’t, bitch! [gruff] I’m still cold in my heart. [laughing] I ain’t forgot! [cheering] I ain’t forgot! Wait till I get Alzheimer’s and then ask me for some shit.
[Haddish giggles] That’s how I feel. ‘Cuz I work my ass off. I work really, really, really hard.
And I work so hard because I want to bless the ones that did look out for me. Like my granny, she looked out. So now she needs a little help, I got her staying in my house. And you know, [chuckles] I love her to death, but she is a major cock-blocker. I can’t even have sex in my house.
She’s a super cock-blocker. I didn’t block no cock from her. But… [laughing] Nam sayin’? She had five kids, four baby daddies. Ain’t nobody stop her. [roaring laughter] [continued laughing] Let me bring a man in the house, she hear a man, she in there clappin’ like it’s church Sunday or somethin’. She– [laughs] And then we talking like, “Yeah, so, ah, so, ah, you… you wanna make out? He’s like, “Oh yeah.” Starting touch on my waist. And then you hear my grandma: [popping claps] [audience laughs] [yelling] “What y’all doing up in there? Bring me in. Let me look at it!” [laughing, clapping] [stammering] “You, you live– You live with somebody?” “She live with me.”
[cackling] Always blocking! That’s why I ain’t had no dick all last year. [laughter] [Haddish snickering] It’s all good. I’m fixing up her house. I’m actually trying to buy her a house just so I can put her in there so I can get some dick in mine. [audience laughs] [clapping, whooing] I’m dead fucking serious. [giggles] It’s not a joke. [laughter] [Haddish chuckles] A lot of my– Since I’ve been getting popular, you know, a lot of my exes have been popping up. A lot of my exes have been popping up and what I have realized is that like I don’t know what it is about my vagina, but… [sighs] These dudes, they don’t want to get they life straight. They don’t get they life together, but they all get braces. [howling laughter] And I’m trying to figure out what is it about my pussy that make you decide once we break up, “I’mma get my teeth together.” [laughing] It’s always the dudes I think got money but they don’t got no damn money.
And I’m not — I figured out what my favorite kind of man is. It used to be like a fit man with abs and stuff, you know, like I used to love that but I realized they are fucking broke. [laughing] That’s why they got abs. [audience laughs] They hungry just like I was. [laughter] And it’s hard to fuck a skinny dude. Like I love to ride. I’mma rider! I’mma rider! [laughs] [cackling] [clapping] Sometimes you be riding on a skinny guy, he got a flat-ass belly and shit. Them bones. Them bones be rubbing up against your thighs, make it look like you’ve been pole dancing all night and shit. [cackling] All bruised up in this motherfucker ’cause he’s so god damn skinny. [Haddish giggles] I like how some woman in the back was like, “Shit!” [laughter] ‘Cuz she just fucked a skinny dude yesterday. [audience laughs] This bullshit here. That shit be hurting! But they do have D, though. And you trying to ride. You’re like, “I’mma sit on this…” [laughter] You be tryin’ to ride you like, “Yeah.” But they so fucking skinny, they ain’t got nothing to stop you from sliding up to the front [laughing] and busting him in the mouth, like, “Well, there you go. Go on and eat that. That’s for you right there. That’s fast food. I’m up here at your mouth already, might as well open up.” Ah… [roaring laughter] That’s why I prefer like a more heavyset dude. Like a dude with a little gut on ’em. That’s what I prefer, a little belly. Little… [blows raspberry]
Look like he got a lot of parasites. [laughing] Bloated like you, sir. [whooing] First off, I know you can cook. [audience laughs] I know I ain’t gonna be hungry. [chuckles] And you got that little belly on you. Mm… [laughter] That’s that coochie bumper. That keep you from falling off. [laughing] Get on that. You can lay down. He lay down like that. He put that mofuka up. [Haddish exhales] [laughter] “There you go your dick, there it go. Okay. [Haddish laughs] [audience laughs] [soft voice] Okay, there it go. I’m feeling now. Hey dick…. [audience laughs] You ready to disappear in this pussy?” [laughing] He’s like, “Stop playing and get on that mofuka.” “Alright.” [laughter] You climb up on that shit like you on a ride at Six Flags. “Okay.” [laughing] You lock in right there. He let that belly down. Pop! That land on your thighs. [howling laughter] Now you can’t move, bitch. All you can do is this. Right here. That’s it. ‘Cuz that belly hold you down. [screaming laughter] [cackling, clapping] “Ooh…” [laughs] [audience laughs] You riding on that dick like, “Whee! [laughing] Now come on, suck on my titties.” He’s like, “Whoever titty’s the biggest gets sucked on first.” Like, “Shit!”
[Haddish puckering] When you really take the time to really look at a penis, it’s nothing but a vagina that fell out. [laughter] [continued laughter] I mean, if you really look at it, you can tell. Like… The testicles are the ovaries. The sack is the uterus. The shaft is the vaginal canal. And the tip is a clitoris. Your pussy fell out. [cackling, cheering] [clapping] Scientific proven fact. It’s a fact. Every single one of us humans, we start out as female. The first three months, you start out as female. Then the chromosome kicks in. That’s why God felt bad for y’all, men. God felt bad and gave you strong arms and strong legs. [laughter] So you can hold on to things ‘cuz you couldn’t hold onto your pussy. So. [howling laughter] He felt bad. [continued laughter] [whooping, clapping] [Haddish snickering] [sighs] My favorite part is to watch a man sleeping with no clothes on and just to look at his balls. [audience laughs] Balls never ever stop moving. Balls are always in motion. [laughing] They never stop moving. That’s how– If I’m like, “Oh, is he dead?” I just look at his balls. I don’t even check to see if he breathing. [cackling] Balls be like this… [roaring laughter] [whooing] [continued laughter] When you get close to them, if you get close, all the wrinkles come out. They’ll be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] [clapping] If you move back, they’ll be like, “Why did you leave?” Looking like elephant knees and shit. [laughter] That’s just some of the things I’ve learned in life. [laughing] Knowledge. [laughs] It’s so stupid, but I feel like, later on, like in the next month or so, y’all gonna reflect back on that, like, “That was really good knowledge.” [audience laughs] [clapping] That– that is helpful. [cheering] Are you praying for me, sir? [chuckles] He’s like, [gruff] “Oh, shit.” [laughter] [Haddish laughs]
[audience laughing] You know religion is something that, to me, I’m always trying to figure it out religion, right? Like, I’ve tried them all. I literally have tried all the religions, okay? I tried Scientology and I realize I can’t fuck with that. They got bunk beds. I don’t do bunk beds. [audience laughs] Catholicism, I tried that. But they get up and down too much. And then the wine ain’t real. They givin’ you grape juice and shit in like fake-ass paper crackers. Where the fuck is the seasoning? [laughter] Jehovah Witness. I like Jehovah Witnesses because for your– Like, first off, you get exercise ‘cuz you walking around from door to door, right? And they give you the best butterscotch candies ever. [audience laughs] [Haddish chuckles] Some people know what I’m talking about, some people are like, “They give out candy?” [audience laughs] For every Watchtower you get a butterscotch. [laughter] That’s when I was a kid. And through all of that, [stammering] I realized like, Judaism, I love it, but you have to know Hebrew. You have to know this. You gotta be a certain way. You gotta do all these things. And I’ve been to like over 500 bar mitzvahs. And I’m tired of people telling me to go to the kitchen. “No, motherfucker, I’m supposed to be here.” [howling laughter] [exasperated exhale] So now I’m just, I’m spiritual. I’m very spiritual, okay? I’m a spiritual person.
But there’s something that’s really been bothering me a lot. And I don’t know if y’all noticed this, but have y’all seen these billboards all over the cities? Like no matter what city I go to, no matter where I’m at, I see billboards for the Shenyun. [audience laughs] The Shenyun. Has anybody ever been to this Shen– Is this a religion or a cult? What the fuck is a Shenyun? [laughter] Has anybody ever seen this? Has anybody? Oh, you been? I went to look them up on YouTube to see like what do they do at the Shenyun. Maybe they got a video or a little advertisement. And I was like watching. And I was like, “Oh, they just dance? That’s it? They just dance? I could be in the Shenyun.” Now, I would love to be the first… ‘Cuz like every black person wants to be the first black person to do something. [laughter] So I want to be the first African-American Jew to be in a Shenyun performance.
[audience laughs] [roaring laughter] [clapping] That’s one that’s on Crenshaw. That’s on Crenshaw. [continued laughter] You can see that billboard on Crenshaw and 48th. [giggles] [laughing] That’s me in the Shenyun. It’s crazy, speaking of dancing, like, I’ve always wanted to be like a professional dancer. And when I was younger, a bunch of my friends, they started like dancing in the strip club, right? And this is when we was kind of poor, and I was like a hundred pounds. And I was like, “Oh, man, they was making money.” I thought maybe I can get in there and get on the pole. I could dance, right? [audience laughs] So it’s like… I said, “I’mma audition. I’mma audition for, you know, be a stripper.” [laughs] [laughter] And I went in that audition, I was like… [humming tune] [howling laughter] [clapping] They was like, “Get your ass off the stage.” [laughs] Apparently pop-lockin’ and moonwalking is not stripper dancing. [laughter] And then I was like, “Can I be a waitress?” They was like, “Hell no. You probably gonna steal the food.” And they was right. [audience laughs] So then I would just hang out with my homegirls and pick up they money for them or whatever and just like be there with them. And as I was there, I started to realize like the laziest strippers will make the most fucking money. [laughter] Lazy-ass ain’t-doing-shit-ass strippers. Y’all wanna see my impersonation of a lazy stripper? [cheering] [whooing] DJ, kick that music.
[“Too Much” by Tiffany Haddish playing]
[“Too Much” continuing]
[laughing] [howling laughter]
[continued laughing] [cackling]
[clapping] [roaring laughter] [cheering]
[clapping] [whooing] [cheering] [whoos]
That’s a lazy stripper, y’all.
[“Too Much” fading]
Thank y’all for the few dollars. [cheering] [man whoos] I ain’t giving that shit back neither. [audience laughs] You know what? In closing, I’d just like to say, thank you to every single one of y’all that came out here this evening. [uproarious cheers] Thank you to every single one of y’all that came out. Thank you to every single person that’s sitting at home watching this. I’m only on this planet to teach. I know my purpose. I’m here to teach. Maybe it’s not the proper way to teach [laughter] but fuck it, you’re gonna learn today.
I’m Tiffany Haddish.
[yelling] She ready!
[“Too Much” playing]
[clapping, cheering continuing]
[“Too Much” playing]
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Walk it out, turn around ♪
♪ Drop it low, hit the ground ♪
♪ Break it down ♪