Stavros Halkias: Live at the Lodge Room (2022) | Transcript

Stavros Halkias humorously explores pandemic life, millennial struggles, dating woes, and immigrant family dynamics in his candid "Live at the Lodge Room" special
Stavros Halkias: Live at the Lodge Room (2022)

In his stand-up comedy special Live at the Lodge Room, Stavros Halkias delivers a raucous and candid performance, touching on a wide range of personal experiences and observations. He starts by humorously recounting his weight fluctuation during the pandemic, blending self-deprecation with sharp social commentary. Halkias then navigates through topics like the generational differences between millennials and baby boomers, the absurdities of everyday life, and the complexities of relationships and sexuality. His storytelling is both vivid and relatable, as he candidly shares tales of his struggles with sobriety, his adventures in dating, and his experiences as the son of immigrant parents. Halkias’ delivery is unapologetically honest and often outrageous, serving up a mix of poignant reflections and laugh-out-loud moments that explore the human condition with a blend of empathy and irreverence.

Stav’s debut special was recorded at the Lodge Room in Los Angeles, 2022.

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[announcer] Coming to the stage now, the people’s champ, the crown prince of Baltimore. Please put your hands together for Stavros Halkias!

Alright. Hell yeah. Alright. L.A. How we doing, gang? Huh? F*ck yes. Oh. Thank you for coming out. F*ck with your boy. How do I look, huh? Stop. Stop. Come on. You know, you know I had to come out here looking like a f*cking sidequest boss on GTA. I’ll have you motherf*ckers selling pornography all across San Andreas. Yeah. I’m happy to be out, man. I really am. It’s nice to be out and about. This is cool, being in a packed show again, you know?

Sucked being indoors for, like a whole year, you know? Although, I have to admit, I had a pretty productive pandemic. I’m not gonna lie. I lost 50 pounds during the pandemic. Ehh? Thank you. Yeah. That was, that was during the second half of the pandemic. During the first half, I gained 45 pounds. So I kind of took the scenic route to losing five pounds. Yeah, dude. I was f*cked as soon as it happened. There was no chance. There was no chance I wasn’t gonna get fat as hell. You know what I mean? Yeah, because it was a scary time, right? We’re all, you know, we’re cooped up, we’re anxious, we don’t know what’s gonna happen. And I’m a very emotional eater, you know? Like I use food as drugs. But I also use drugs as drugs. You know what I mean? Like you shouldn’t be able to eat a whole pizza on cocaine, but. I’m five for five, you know what I mean? I power through every time. Yeah. Remember the first part of the pandemic where it was all Tiger King and online shopping? Remember? Where it was like, I swear to God, If this f*cks up Cinco de Mayo, I’m gonna be pissed. Remember that? I got fat as hell during that part. And I was f*cked up the whole time. I was just taking edibles like they were birth control, you know? Like an alarm would go off on my phone. I’d be like, Whoa! Time for 90 milligrams. Jeez, I almost had a thought today. That, that was a close one. I almost reflected today. It didn’t help that they made you feel like a hero for ordering takeout, by the way. Remember that? Every commercial’s like, Support your local restaurants. We need you right now. It’s like, Oh my God. Well, if called upon, I will serve. Hello? Yes. More lo mein. FAST. Hurry. We have to combat the xenophobia the Chinese are up against right now. More dumplings. I have to stop Asian hate. I have to stop Asian hate by almost stopping my own heart. That’s how it’s gonna happen. Yeah, I thought I was gonna die for a year in a row. Because I felt like sh*t. I would check the symptoms and I don’t know if you realized this, but the symptoms are just being fat. That’s it. That’s what they describe dude, right? Like every symptom’s like, have you ever had shortness of breath? Aches and pains? Or diarrhea? It’s like, every day since I’m nine years old. What do you mean? I had COVID in third grade, is that what you’re saying? Even loss of taste. Yeah, I’ve burned my mouth on a Hot Pocket before.

Yeah, everyone young— I’m 32. I feel like me, everyone me and under. We’re f*cked. You know, it’s, millennials and under, we’re f*cked, right? We’re the first generation that’s gonna do worse than our parents statistically. You know what I mean? Which sucks. But the worst part is that our parents think it was because they were so smart. You know what I mean? That, I can’t stand that. I’m tired of hearing it from baby boomers. Right? Like their lives were so easy. You could just win a house at a carnival back then. You know what I mean? Just some guy, like. Oh. Nice. A three-bedroom. Awesome. Honey, we’re moving again. Yeah, have you ever tried to get advice from them about a job? They’re like, Well, did you look him in the eye and shake his hand? And it’s like, Yeah. I did that. Like, Huh? Well, that’s how I became the vice president of Circuit City. So I’m— I’m out of ideas. They all think we’re children too. These millenials spending all their money on lollipops. It’s like, okay, I need a CPAP machine, actually, but. And these lollipops have weed in them, by the way. So a little more expensive than you might think. Yeah. Sucks. They ruined the world. Global warming. That’s them, right? Not for anything good either. I think it was mostly hairspray, right? That’s it. Like every Bon Jovi concert took a centimeter off the polar ice caps, I’m pretty sure. Like, Oh, now I have to f*cking wash my yogurt cups. Why? Why? You wanted a Jheri curl so I have to rinse out garbage now? How is that fair? They ruined drunk driving. That was them, right? Come on. You know how fun that would be right now? Know what I’m saying? F*cking, get on one of those electric scooters four Truly’s deep. That would be sick. But no, somebody couldn’t handle their Quaaludes, so. But the good news is sh*t is only gonna continue to get worse. So we’re going to be able to do that to our kids. Right? I can’t wait to flex on my children. Right? Just talking to my adult son like, Hey, buddy, come on, you’re 30 years old. You can’t be splitting a tent with six people anymore. Alright? When I was your age, I only had one roommate, and I owned my Nintendo switch. So you got, you got a lot of growing up to do, pal. Okay? Go get a job selling your plasma just like everybody else. Oh, I need to be patient with you? You tell me about patience when you’ve jacked off to a dial-up internet connection, okay? When you’ve accidentally busted to a forehead that was still loading. Then we can talk about patience. When you have printed out a picture of WWE superstar Trish Stratus on an inkjet printer to jack-off to later. Then we can talk about patience. Now quiet down. The Boston Dynamics robot might hear us. Yeah. There’s no like part of the bit where I’m like, But you know what? If we all stick together, we— No I think we’re f*cked. Unless somebody, you know, shmassassinates Shmeffrey Shmezos. I didn’t say it. Legally, I didn’t say anything. You can’t get me legally. Yeah, we’re f*cked. Like that guy gets to just go to the moon and this guy will never see a doctor in his life. You know what I mean? Yeah. But hey, whatever. Just get us sucked off as possible. That’s what I think. Yeah. Focus on yourself, you know? Have some goals. Improve yourself. Have a good time.

I got goals. I got stuff I want to improve. Right? I want to keep losing weight. You know, that’s one of my goals. For a lot of reasons. though, you know? Number one, I’m tired of being fetishized. You know, that’s. Not sexually but platonically. You know? ‘Cause people look at me and they think, Oh, Oh, there’s a big fat party animal. Right? But that’s a lot of pressure, you guys. You know what my Hawaiian shirt budget is? It’s crazy. You think I only want to do cannonballs? No. I want to do other dives, you guys. But everybody expects a certain thing from me, it hurts my feelings. I had a real fat boy pet peeve happen to me the other day. I dropped a slice of pizza on the ground and enough people saw me that I had to throw it away. That— Oof. That was tough. Oh, boy. Just gonna take this to the trash. Of course. That’s where I was going. That’s where I’d be going if you weren’t here. That’s for sure. Definitely wouldn’t be eating this with 10% less enthusiasm. Yeah. I had another moment happen where it was, like, really showed me I need to get back in the gym a little bit, you know? Like I was taking the steps on the subway and I fell down the steps, and none of the Black teens around me made fun of me. They were all just concerned for my well-being. Do you know how much that stings? To be too fat for the scorn of Black teens? It’s like, No, come on, man, don’t call me sir. Take your phone out. Record me! Make me feel alive. They wouldn’t do it, dude. They were just good Samaritans, it broke my heart. Yeah.

I don’t know. It’s not just weight loss, though. I got other sh*t I wanna work on. I want to grow— I’m 32. I feel like I should grow up a little bit, you know? Like, I feel like this is the year. No more floor pills, right? No more finding loose pharmaceuticals on the ground, and trying to get f*cked up off what turns out to be heartburn medicine. Like that’s over for me. I am trying to stay sober, though. That’s real. I’m trying to stay sober. It’s been about four weeks, you know? Four weeks since— Alright. Thank you. Yeah. It’s alright, I’ll be back. Don’t worry. After this show, I’ll be back. If I’m being honest with you guys. Yeah, I just had to cool my jets for a sec. It’s hard, man. I— My problem with sobriety is I keep doing drugs, you know? Because drugs rock, right? Here’s how good drugs are. You know what my favorite movie of all time is? It’s this nature documentary about tropical fish that I watched on mushrooms at my friend’s place. And the colors were so vibrant and the story was so gripping. Halfway through, I’m like, Dude, what is this? I got to look this up. And he looks at me and goes, You are watching a screensaver right now. It’s like, Hm. Okay. Well, don’t touch the mouse, please. I’m rather invested in this right now. I’d like to see how this ends. Thank you. I’m trying to stay sober. I’m trying to watch less porn, trying to be off porn. One of my friends, he was off porn, too. I was like, Sick, dude, what’s your secret? Let’s compare notes. And he was like, Oh, I’ve just been having sex with a lot of women. It’s like, Okay, man, that’s not being off porn, right? You can’t be like, No more video games for me. No more Madden. I’m just on the Dallas Cowboys now. No more Call of Duty. I bought a gun, so. Take this for a spin. Yeah.

I keep trying to improve year by year. You know, I was real depressed a few years ago when I first moved to New York. Things were tough, you know? And I was venting to a friend, and they tried to cheer me up. They’re like, Dude, you shouldn’t be depressed. If child-you could see what your life is like, he’d be thrilled. It’s like, really? That’s the metric we want to use? That a child wants my life? It’s like, yeah, he does, but for the wrong reasons, right? He’s like, Hey, what’s life like? Will there be ice cream? There’ll be ice cream every day. Sometimes for breakfast. For breakfast? Won’t that taste weird when you brush your teeth? You’re not— You’re not doing that that much anymore. Oh, really? Will there be sleepovers? Will I see my friends? You’re gonna live with four of your friends. Every day is a sleepover that you can’t escape. Oh, that rules. I hope no girls come and ruin it. I would not worry about that one right now. That last one is not gonna be an issue, unfortunately. No, that’s an old joke. I f*ck, of course, but. Things were tough. I’m not going to lie to you. Yeah. When I first moved to New York, I didn’t have my own room. I had the corner of a large living room, and I’m glad I’m out of there. But there is something I miss about that. There’s a certain level of camaraderie that comes with that kind of poverty. You know? Like, I miss clowning your boy when you heard him bust too fast. You know what I mean? Because there was five of us in a three-bedroom. Everybody knew the exact tempo everybody else f*cked at in that apartment. There was nothing funnier than hearing that IKEA bed frame stop squeaking just a little too fast. You know? Letting out an audible laugh that cut through your paper-thin walls. Pretty soon, everybody’s joining in. Ha ha ha ha. It was nice. Yeah. I’m doing better now, though. You know? Things are pretty good. I grew up pretty poor. I was poor until pretty recently. And I’m not poor anymore. But I’m not rich either. What I am is the richest a poor person could ever imagine becoming. You know what I mean? Like, I’m get appetizers every time rich, you know? Like, it’s not just for birthdays anymore. I’m dipping sauce rich, a lot, a lot of my money is tied up in ranch right now. I’m big ass TV, No health insurance rich, right? I got Xbox and PlayStation, but no Blue Cross/Blue Shield. That’s. Yeah, I don’t know.

I did do one smart thing. I did do one kind of like investment thing. I bought a house. That’s something, right, guys? Thank you. It’s in the sh*tty neighborhood I grew up in. I grew up in southeast Baltimore. Greektown. I grew up in season two of The Wire to tell you, basically. Pretty easy to get a house there. I’m not gonna lie to you. To give you an idea, when we moved in, one of our neighbors warned us that the other neighbor was gay. So. You get a little idea of what the property values are like over there. Right? And the way he did it was hilarious, too, because he was like, Listen. Good guy and everything, but watch out. For what? What am I watching out for? What is this man? Some kind of gay raccoon? You know what I mean? Like, Hey, buddy. You’re gonna want to lock your dicks up overnight, okay? Cover ’em, chain ’em up, bring ’em indoors. This man’s got a real nose for a penis. Alright? He will get to a cock, I promise you that. Got me a couple times. Stay safe out there. Yeah, we got the best white trash in Baltimore, dude. Extra strength white trash. They got their own little dialect. You know? If you were talking to a guy that I grew up around, here’s how the conversation would go. It would be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, sounding horrible, but with the most confidence, right? It’s always some guy that’s like, Yo. You know what I don’t understand about traffic? Why don’t the guy in the front just go. Just f*cking go. That “oh” is brutal. It’s the trademark. It’s like a domestic abuse air raid siren. Ooooooh. Yo, I heard if you don’t pay child support for both your kids, that’s double jeopardy. They can’t get you on that one. You got to know your rights, brother. You got to know your rights. One of my friends overheard a guy in a 7-Eleven go, Damn it, Mikey spent all my sweatpants money on Doritos. What the f*ck does that mean? What could it possibly mean? Is the money in sweatpants? Is it for sweatpants? If it’s for sweatpants, why does your clothing cost as much as snacks? That’s my community, baby. Yeah, that’s— It’s a funny neighborhood, you know? It’s a bunch of those guys and then a bunch of, like, recent immigrants from South and Central America. And then a bunch of Greek people that are mad that immigrants are stealing their neighborhood. It’s a bunch of old Greek guys that are like, You know, they don’t even, they don’t even speak English. It’s like, Okay, man, you don’t speak English, right? What’s the issue?

Yeah. It was a fun little immigrant upbringing over there. Any immigrants here?


Yeah? Nice. Where you from?


Mexico. Nice. Classic. Does that count here? Like this is Mexico, right? Like, it should be Mexico. But do you like your parents?


Yeah? Both of them?

Both of them.

Both? You don’t like one more than the other?

The mom more than the dad.

The mom more than dad. When’s the last time you and your dad hugged?


We got him. Nah, it’s all good, dude. For me, me and my dad, It was the last time Greece got to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. That was— Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know if you guys know this. I don’t know if this is your experience, but immigrants, one of their favorite parenting techniques is child abuse. I don’t know if you guys knew that. Like, my dad didn’t hit us that much, but his go-to move was this, was just like. Do your f*cking homework. And to this day, he’ll be like, Well, come on, I never hit you. And it’s like, Yeah, but you always could have, you know? Never really felt off the table, Pops. I had a lot of friends from similar backgrounds. You know, I think you kind of attract that. And, you know, one of my buddies, we, we became really close later in life, and he’s still one of my best friends today. But when we were first friends, he was like opening up to me, you know? He was confiding in me and he was like, Yeah, dude. My dad used to just get f*cked up off wine coolers and beat the sh*t out of me. And, I knew it shouldn’t have tripped me up, but I was like, I’m sorry, dawg. You said wine coolers? Yeah. I just knew when I came home and I saw that daiquiri mix in the freezer I was in for a long night of being whipped with maraschino cherry stems. I didn’t get a lot of lessons from my dad. I’ll be honest. I didn’t, you know, he didn’t teach me a lot of stuff. I didn’t get a sex talk even. You know? The closest I got to a sex talk was one time, we were in Greece, and he was watching pornography just in the living room. Not, not in his chambers. Right? And it’s a James Bond-themed porno. And when James Bond starts getting sucked off, my dad looks at me. He’s like, Ehh? F*ckin’ ehh. And that was my sex talk. Just watching a British man get head with my father. Yeah, I’ll give him some credit, though. He was a really good dad when I was a little kid, you know? And then I think when I was like 10 or 11, he had a heart attack and he had one of those, like, near-death experience, moments of clarity. He was like, Oh my God, what have I been doing with my time on Earth? I have to start cheating on my wife. I can’t. I can’t be a present father. I have to buy a leather jacket from Costco and get pussy. Yeah, he cheated on my mom, and I don’t know how. Right? Like, if you’re some sexy rich guy, I get it. I don’t condone it, but I see what happened. What happened with my dad? Did some woman look at him and go, Oh, my God. When I saw that hunched-over Greek contractor take a piece of loose salami out of his pocket and eat it while laughing at a man in a wheelchair, I knew I had to have him. The way his shoulder hair waved in the wind.

Yeah. I don’t know. I’ve been going to therapy, though. You know? Any therapy heads in the building? Nice. What’s your biggest trauma? I’m kidding. No, I’m just a little light crowdwork, huh? No, I’ve been going to therapy a bunch, and I have empathy for my dumbass dad, you know? That suck, you know? Seeing it from his side, you know? Because, look, was he the best dad in the world? No. But did he do his best? Also no. But, you know, whatever, he gave it a hot 65%. He did— I’ll give him credit again. He gave me a better childhood than he had, right? That’s really all you can ask on some level. Like his family was all f*cked up. Here’s how my dad’s parents met. Right? This is Greece in the forties, right? It’s still arranged marriages. And no one in my grandfather’s village wants to marry him. Nobody. Doesn’t matter how many goats they throw in the trade. No one’s biting, right? No one in mainland Greece will marry him, which is actually kind of impressive, right? Like there’s no Internet. This is word of mouth spreading about what a piece of sh*t he is, right? Basically, what they end up doing is they catfish a family on an island eight hours away. Right? There’s no way for them to meet before the wedding. They do the deal through letters. Finally, it’s set. Everything’s good to go. They take this eight-hour boat ride out to this woman’s island. And the second my grandfather steps off the boat, the woman he’s supposed to marry looks at him and goes, No, absolutely not. I’m not, I’m not marrying this guy. And then her dad goes, Oh, geez, well, you came all this way. Why don’t you marry my other daughter? And those are my grandparents. That’s them. Wild, right? Have you had like a bad Craigslist roommate? And you’re like, Oh, once this lease is up, I am out of here. Imagine if that lease was your whole life and that roommate creampied you because that, that was my grandma’s life. And, yeah. You’d think something like that would make somebody a bitch. And you would be correct in this instance, actually. I feel bad and everything, but really a tough hang. I’ll be honest with you guys. I went to visit her actually on her deathbed, and she had pretty bad dementia by the time I got to see her. And I’m trying to communicate with her. And she just looks at me and she goes, Who are you? You got fatter. It’s like, okay, pick one. Okay? Either you don’t know who I am or you don’t know I got fatter. That’s how that works. But I got to hand it to her. You know, she snuck one in right at the buzzer. Three, two, one. You’re fat. [buzzer sound] One of the best to ever do it folks. Hang her moomoo up in the rafters. I like my family though. They are pretty funny. My mom’s mom is funny too. My grandma on the other side. She’s great. She’s very accepting, but very ignorant at the same time. Which is a really funny combo. Like over the holidays, a couple of years ago, we watched this old Greek movie, and one of the characters, it’s revealed, thinks Jews drink blood, you know? And it’s like an old movie. He’s the village idiot. It’s obviously a joke. Everyone’s making fun of him. Everybody’s laughing. I look at my family, they’re laughing. I look at my grandma. She’s like, confused. I am like, Oh, Grandma, isn’t this hilarious? This guy thinks Jews drink blood. And she’s like, Well, yeah, but. They do, right? But the way she said it was, And you shouldn’t judge other people’s cultures, Stavros. What? You think Jews are vampires? But we should let it slide for diversity reasons? Incredible perspective, yia-yia. She’s great. But I will say, the more time I spend around Greek people, the more time I think it’s crazy the kinds of immigrants we’re banning in this country. You know, like it should be us, right? Like, we got enough Europeans, right? Like a racist might be like, Oh, well, we can’t have refugees from the Middle East. What if they commit sex crimes? It’s like, okay, well, have you ever met an Italian man? Have you ever tried to purchase pizza in this country one time? Hey, bella, how old you are? That guy’s getting waved through customs. Why? F*ck. You know how Inuit people have, like, 30 words for “snow” in their language? Italian is similar in that they don’t have a single word for “consent” in theirs. No, I shouldn’t sh*t on Italians. I’m Greek. We’re basically Italians that peaked in high school, right? We’ve been coasting on democracy for quite some time now.

It is a gorgeous place, though. I do love visiting over there. It f*cking rocks. I remember I took a visit there a couple of years ago with my girlfriend at the time. And when you take an international trip like that with somebody, you learn a lot about each other. We’re gone for 10 days, just me and her. And what we learned is that we did not want to be together anymore. That was the big takeaway for us. Kind of tough, I’ll be honest with you, to break up on vacation, you know? That’s not how you see your chase Chase Sapphire Rewards going, you know? You ever paid $3,000 to be the saddest you’ve ever been? It was my fault, though. I took a rich girl on vacation. Right? Rich people don’t give a f*ck about vacations. Poor people, could you imagine breaking up on vacation? The only good week of your life? You’re not. You’re not doing that. But don’t get me wrong. She wasn’t like evil rich, right? She’s not space-for-fun rich. But I’ll put it this way. When the shampoo ran out in her home, they just threw the bottle away. Right? There was, there was no filling it with water and living off bubbles for a week, you know? She never had sh*tty bubbles hair. Right? There were no omelets for dinner, you know? Like, Whoa, hot dogs again? Mom’s the coolest! No buddy. Mom is not that cool. These are struggle dogs right here. We got to make these last till dad’s disability check comes in. Yeah, I don’t know if you know this, but making a pack of Hebrew Nationals last eight days, that’s actually white trash Hannukuh. Thanks. You know, it was a good relationship while it lasted. I’m not bitter. You know, things end. And we had a good time. We had a good sex life. You know, we were really into roleplaying. Anybody here? Roleplay? Nice. What do we do? Huh? Say it again. —Um, like schoolgirl. Schoolgirl. Classic. Very nice. Yeah, that’s good. Is this like teacher/schoolgirl or just like schoolgirl? Schoolgirl/schoolgirl. Schoolgirl/schoolgirl? Now we’re talking. Wow. A twist on an old classic. The Bud Light Lime of roleplaying. Nice. Hell yeah. I really like roleplaying because I always pick a guy that comes really fast. That’s my, that’s my character, is a guy that busts quick and then plays NBA2K for like a half hour. I really commit to that one. I’m sort of a method actor when it comes to that one. Yeah. I could tell, though, in hindsight that that relationship was kind of losing some steam. You know? I think you can tell in the way you initiate sex when the passion starts to go. You know, like when we first started dating, we’d go on these long dates, we’d talk for hours, there’d be a spark, we’d kiss. I’d be like, Wow, this is really gonna happen. The way I knew we were gonna have sex at the end of the relationship is, if I went to the bathroom and she was like, Wash your hands with soap this time! Like, hell yeah dude. Nice. Why’s she want ’em clean, huh? She’s not trying to get crumbs in there. That’s why. I’m about to have sex. It was good, though. I did— I learned a lot about myself being in a long-term relationship, you know? Like I learned I’m more traditional in some ways than I realize, even though I consider myself a feminist overall. You know? Like, do I want my girlfriend to shave her legs? Yes. But I will allow her to support me financially. So I’m sort of a modern guy in that sense. Thank you. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Please. I’m just doing my part. Nah, I’m a feminist, though. You know, that part’s real. And I think my, my favorite part of feminism is the concept of mansplaining, you know, because basically that means men aren’t allowed to explain anything anymore, which means I could just be dumb as hell. Right? Like, if one of my friends, if she’s like, Hey, what’d you think of this book? I’d be like, Hm, nice try. I see what you’re up to, but I’m not reading anymore. I’m a feminist. Thank you very much.

Yeah, but anyway, that relationship’s over. It’s been over for a while. I’ve just been out there. Just a fat little slut. Just f*cking— Thank you. Just toss this little weiner around town, you know what I mean? Just throwing this five-and-three-quarters everywhere, you know? Six on its tippy toes. Don’t worry. Was this summer as slutty as you guys thought it was gonna be? No, right? It wasn’t that good, right? Pissed me off. I was f*cking ready, dude. Everyone was building it up. Everyone was like, We’ve been locked up for a year. People are going crazy. They’re going to be sucking and f*cking in the streets, you know? That was not my experience, I have to be honest. I think what happened is everyone was very excited. Everybody was like, went out one time, got crazy, f*cked, and then looked around, and was like, This sh*t’s still pretty bad out here, actually. The president just has a different kind of dementia now. No one’s really fixed anything, but there’s less funny tweets now. Yeah. I was pissed. I was ready for this horny summer. Right? I grew my hair out for this sh*t, you know what I mean? I was bald when the pandemic started. I was like, F*ck it, let’s see what happens. I’m trying to get my sh*t tugged on, you know what I mean? But it didn’t happen, dude. I had big plans. I was going to get pegged by somebody’s wife on a hammock, you know? Some big naturals on my shoulders. But the best laid plans of mice and men. You know what I mean? I was having this conversation with my gay friends, right? I was talking about the summer and I was complaining and they’re like, What do you mean? You don’t have sex? We’re having sex all the time. That’s not fair, you guys. A gay guy making fun of a straight guy for not having enough sex, is like a Harlem Globetrotter making fun of an NBA player for not scoring enough points, you know? It’s like, Come on, man. No one plays defense in your league, right? A lot of, lot of showmanship. Yeah, a lot of confetti. But not a lot of fundamentals, is all I’m saying. Yeah, I don’t know, though. I’m 32. You know, maybe it’s time I started doing some gay sh*t, you know? Looks like fun, you know? Like no one’s ever come in my mouth, but I love an overeasy egg. How different could it really be? Be honest with yourselves right now. It’s probably pretty close. Throw a little Tabasco on the guy’s cock, you know what I mean? Take me to brunch, big dog. There’s some pissed off dudes in the crowd right now. Hard scrambled from now on! I will not have gay eggs! Nah, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a little far for me too, is uh, sucking a man off with hot sauce in my mouth. But I want to expand the sexual repertoire a little bit. You know, I want some new moves. I’ve been doing some different stuff. I’ve been doing the pineapple thing, you know? Supposed to make it taste better, but everybody hates it no matter how much pineapple I put in my foreskin. And I don’t— What? Just chunk after chunk. What am I doing wrong? That might be the stupidest thing I say tonight. Here’s my real move, though, you know, here. Here it is. Because I was always jealous when you’re hooking up with a girl, and then she puts your hair up, like, suggestively, and it’s like, Uh oh. You know what’s coming next. That’s why what I’ve been doing is when I’m hooking up with a girl and I’m about to go down on her, I take out a huge bib. Num num num num num num num. That’s my move. I better not hear about anybody in L.A. doing the bib. Okay? That’s mine. And you definitely cannot say “my compliments to the chef” afterwards. That ties it all together.

But I’ve been out there. I’ve been dating a little bit. You know? I was dating mostly younger women, not on purpose. Just because no one my age wants to be with me, you know? Like I’m 32. Girls my age want, like, stability, you know, they want, like, a real job. Health insurance. I could get you mushrooms pretty easily, you know? Like, that’s a style of 30-year-old I am. I don’t know what an IRA is, but I have acid on me right now. Sometimes people are condescending if you date somebody younger. They’ll be like, Oh, I’m sure the conversation was very intellectually stimulating. And you know what? I’m very stupid. So, yeah, it was. I’m learning a lot from these girls, a lot about astrology, I’ll tell you that much. They love the stuff. Everyone’s pretty freaky now too, I realize. Everyone I feel like has to bust in a strange way, you know? Like a girl I was with recently wanted to be tied up and then also pretend she was sleeping. And it’s like, I could just go, you know what I mean? Like, if that’s what it’s going to take to f*ck me, I’ll head home. No hard feelings. I don’t want to sound like a prude. Right? I’m not trying to kink shame up here. Tying up’s fun. Even the sleeping, I guess I don’t have a problem with. My issue with that situation is that she has no use of her hands and I’ve never successfully had sex without the guiding vagina hand move. You know that move? Where the girl’s like an electrician trying to connect two wires. Just like a real— I 98% know where a pussy is, but that last 2% I really need help with. Yeah. I’m not that good at rough sex. I think it’s because I love my mom too much. She called me recently and she was like, Hey, how’s your love life going? It’s like, Not great, because of all the support you showed me as a child. Would it have killed you to miss a football practice every once in a while? I have no resentment towards women. I can barely choke this girl, mom. You’re embarrassing me right now. No, I’ll choke you, though. Don’t worry, I will. No problem. It’s not my favorite, but it’s fine. Some people, though, they love it, right? Some people, that’s how they have morning sex. That is crazy to me, right? There’s birds chirping outside. You’re smelling pancakes from next door. You’re just like— Come on, man. There’s a fresh morning dew outside. Children are going to school right now. Let “The Price Is Right” come on first. Show some decorum. Even dirty talk, you know? I feel like you’re doing me a really nice favor having sex with me. I don’t want to say a bunch of rude things to you, right? That’s not how you treat a bud doing a favor, right? Your friend helps you move. You’re not like, Yeah, get that ottoman, you little slut. Just putting my fingers in my friend Jeff’s mouth. Pick up the credenza, Jeffy. [spit sound] You little mover. Here’s another move somebody asked me to pull, was one of these, was just a choke-finger combo. You know, just like a real— Is that is that still sex, you guys? I got to be honest, it didn’t feel like sex. It felt like gynecology in the 1400s, you know? Like I felt like I was punishing a witch more than anything. It felt like we caught her learning how to read. For the crime of female literacy. Little Pilgrim hat. If she’s squirts, she’s a witch.

Yeah. I’ve been out there, you know? I’ve been on some sexual voyages, you know? You know, I’ve had to f*ck my way out of a couple jams. Had a couple threesomes, Didn’t all go my way, I’ll be honest with you guys. Anybody here? A threesome? Yeah? How’d it go? —Uh, it went pretty well, I guess. Pretty well, you guess? Alright. Nice. Who were these people? —I got hit up on Tinder like four in the morning. You got hit up on Tinder. By a woman’s account? A man’s account? —Yeah, a woman surprisingly enough. A woman at 4 a.m. Alright, nice. Just out of the blue, they’re like, This is the guy I need. Huh? —She said, Do you want to have a threesome? Wow. —I did not think it was real. Sure. Of course. You’re like, yeah. You’re just like, alright, just check— Make sure my kidney is here the next morning. —It’s like a 30-minute Uber ride. —I was like, this might be it. That is— You weren’t getting too much pussy before, I’m guessing, right? They caught you in a drought. They caught you in a big dry spell. You’re like, I could die. It’s 4 a.m. I have to work in the morning. It’s $75 right now. But by gum, I might just get double sucked, so. And who are these women? What are they looking like when you get in? Do the pictures look similar? Wow. —Yeah. Wow. —It was all pretty cut and dry. All pretty cut and dry. Like you’re f*cking hanging, like you’re doing shingles on their roof. You’re like, Yeah. Wasn’t too much water damage? Everything was looking pretty good. Get in and out job. Alright. So how quickly until you’re in the house, is your penis breathing fresh air, would you say? —Like an hour and a half. Hour and a half? So you warmed up a little bit. That’s nice. —Except they wanted to make sure I wasn’t gonna kill them. —I was like, —Right. Yeah. —I’m the one that took an Uber ride —Sure, sure, sure. —30 minutes away. Wow, it’s a Mexican standoff. Okay. And then after they’ve vetted you for 90 minutes, they’re like, This is good. We can f*ck this guy. Okay. And then, is it good? Did everybody bust? —Just not me. Just not you? What? Get the f*ck out of here. The rare the guy doesn’t come in a two girls, one guy? They gave me a f*ckload of Adderall. They gave you Adderall? What the f*ck is going on? Wow. Respect to these girls. Did they give you dick pills and Adderall? That’s a f*cking dangerous combination. And you don’t bust and you’re just f*cking, you’re driving— You’re taking a f*cking 40-minute Uber home. You’re like— Dick on titanium, just— That was pretty cool. And you know what? That’s a fond memory for you, isn’t it? You’re gonna be on your deathbed just like smiling. Your grandchild is gonna be like, What is it, Papa? And you’re gonna be thinking about not busting to two, I’m gonna guess Maryland five and a halfs. There’s no way— There’s no way these were hot women, right? Everything we know we can kind of through echolocation understand they were ugly. And you’re going to be thinking about not coming with these women. Then you’re gonna look at him and be like, How much I love grandma. That’s— Nice, how about a nice hand for our friend over here, huh? Anybody else? Any other threesomes? This seems like a pretty— Over here. Raising your glass? Is that the I-had-a-threesome salute? How’d it go? —Not too well. Not too well? Yeah. By the way, shouts out a fellow man of size, getting his dick sucked by two women. Who were these— What was the situation for you? —They looked like you. They looked like me. Alright. I don’t know why the f*ck I have to be disparaged in this. And you’re the one who f*cked them. I look like me. You f*cked two people that looked like me. How am I? How am I getting dragged into this? You couldn’t have said they looked like you? You know what I’m saying? Listen, we’re not too far off, pal. There’s a lot of different ways you could have phrased that that doesn’t throw me under the bus. Okay, so you were having a threesome in your weight class. It sounds like this was more of a wrestling match than a sexual encounter. Where did you meet these people? —Vegas. Vegas. Nice. Okay, so just three people down on their luck, just deciding to try to have a plus-sized threeway. That’s good. That’s good for the community. I like that. How many people came for you? —Only me. Only— Oh there we go. We’ve got the yin and yang of bad threesomes over here. I love it.

Yeah. Mine was— Mine was closer to yours than his. But I’ll tell my story now. My threesome did not go good either. It was a surprise, first of all. I didn’t think it was gonna happen. And also, the day of my threesome, it started with a $40 Chinese food order. That was breakfast for me. You know what I mean? Just me, by the way. That’s $40 me. And it was one of those things where I was waiting. It was like, 10:59, 11. Hello? Yes, I’d like to— It’s like ordering Chinese food, like I’m waiting for Star Wars, you know? And so $40 Chinese food breakfast. There’s a real ceiling to your day when that’s how it starts, right? And I was also coming off the heels of a tender bender, which is when you have chicken tenders every day for two weeks in a row. Right? So I’m not where you need to be, nutritionally speaking, for a threesome, right? So I’m actually scrolling on Tinder and she’s gonna come to my show that night, but she’s bringing a friend. So in my mind, I’m like, okay, she’s coming to a public place. She’s bringing a friend, she wants to check out the vibes. And if you know, if the vibes are right, maybe we go on a date next week, just me and her. Maybe we f*ck next week, right? But there’s no sexual pressure on this situation. I just have to be a cute, charming little guy, and I think we all know how that’s gonna go. Right? So we get there and it’s a fun time. You know, the conversation is going really well. Her friend’s cool. She’s cool. And but, you know, like I said, I don’t think I’m gonna f*ck so I’m gonna keep eating, right? Because it’s one or the other, folks. I got a real problem. And so we’re chatting and I’m just f*cking eating like an asshole. I’m eating the way like a cartoon villain eats, you know what I mean? I’m just like, they’re talking just like sliders, like— You know? Just like a fish. The bones come out, like that situation. And it’s going good, but I’m getting sleepy because I’ve had a lot of carbs, right? And I’m about to talk to the girl I match with and be like, Hey, this was fun, let’s hang out some other time. But before I can make that pitch, I look over at them and they’re being really weird. They’re like texting each other. And I’m like, Hey, girls, what’s going on? And they’re like, Oh, nothing. We were thinking like, maybe we should all go back to my place and f*ck. And I was like, Yeah. Yes. Ha ha ha. Duh. That’s what I was also thinking. That’s what I am prepared for right now. But what am I gonna do? What, I’m gonna be like, My tummy hurts. I can’t get pussy. I had too many treats to get pussy tonight. I can’t do that. Right?

So I’m like, F*ck it, I’m gonna thug this out. We’ll be fine. So we’re driving back to their place, right? And the whole time I’m doing this thing, I don’t know fellas if you’ve ever done this, where you try and make your dick hard with your mind. Have you ever done that? Just do a little check-in, I’m just in there like, Nothing. No movement whatsoever. Right? But I’m like, no big deal. I’m gonna get in this room. It’s gonna be me and four titties. I’m gonna be good to go. Right? And at first, I’m right. At first it rocks. I’m in there. Just me and four titties. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen— Have you seen one of those videos where they give a baby hearing aids for the first time? You ever, You ever see one of those? I’m just in there like— I’m having the time of my life, brother. It’s going awesome. But then, very quickly, the Chinese food comes back to haunt me, right? I just, I’m hitting them with dumpling dick, you know? Just think of a couple soup dumplings stacked on top of each other, you know? Very wobbly. Like, optically, I’m hard, but there is no structural integrity to my penis whatsoever. Yeah, it’s tough. I’m doing this movie a lot. I’m doing the okay sign. Have you ever done that? Where it’s like, Yeah, no, it’s hard. Uh huh, yeah. No, it’s hard. It’s actually definitely hard. Can you check? Can you check again? My dick is hard for sure. Like my credit card is getting declined. I’m like, Yeah, I called my bank. They said my dick was hard. So can you check?

I’m blowing it, dude. I’m stalling for so— I’m eating pussy for so long. You could have just watched all of Rush Hour 2 the amount of time I’m eating pussy. One of them just falls asleep in the middle of it, you know? You know you’re not laying it down when you lose a participant mid-threesome, right? Yeah. I’m like, this is brutal. This is horrific. We got to end this. So I guess what I’m gonna have to do is jack off and leave. And that’s what I did. And in hindsight, it’s crazy that was my plan, right? Why the f*ck did I do that? Like, Oh, hey, girls, I’ve just been sexually disappointing you for two hours in a row. I’m gonna make a small mess in your home and get out of here. If that’s alright with you. And it was an angry one, too. It was one of those get the poison outs. You know? It was like a real, Aaaaah. I want to be free!

So I do that and I’m just standing in this f*cking hallway dealing with a devastating bout of post-nut clarity. And I’m like, Wow, this is it. This is a tough L. This is the worst one of my life, probably. But you know what? That’s okay, because we can rebuild from this, right? It’s only up from here. This is rock bottom. So I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna f*cking rebuild my life like the, like the Phoenix, I’ll rise from these sexual ashes. Right? And that’s what I do. Eight months go by, my sh*t’s going great. My life’s going better and better and better. Things are going really good. And then out of the blue, I get a text from these girls and they’re like, Hey, want to f*ck again? And I’m like, This is a prank. Right? Like, I’m gonna get to their apartment. It’s just gonna be all my enemies, you know? Ha ha ha dude, we knew you couldn’t fuck. Ha ha ha. But that wasn’t, it was really them. They wanted to hook up again. And I wasn’t gonna ask too many questions, right? They had a whole little plan. You know, they had the day off from work. They were gonna go to the museum and then come over to my place after, which is a very European afternoon, you know? Like look at paintings and f*ck a fat guy with a little mustache. That’s, that’s Parisian, you know what I mean? And I had a plan too. I wasn’t going out the same way. This is redemption, you know what I mean? I’m f*cking hitting the elliptical. I’m f*cking drinking green juices. I’m drinking kombuchas. I buy $80 worth of illegal Indian Viagra off the Internet. Just from a guy that worked at a research lab. He was like, Yeah, just Venmo me and put “lunch.” Just comes in an unmarked vial. I’m just like, I take so much of it and my dick— it worked. My dick got hard as sh*t. But the rest of my body was failing, you know? Like, I was just f*cking and my joints were locking up. I’m just in there cold sweat, you know? Like the eyesight of my left eye is flickering like a light bulb in a haunted house. And I’m like, This is it. This is how I deserve to die. Is overdosing on dick pills. And if that’s how I went, I wouldn’t even want an open casket, you know? I would want a gloryhole casket, you know? Just everyone coming, paying their last respects, you know? He was such a good boy. Yeah. And so obviously the threesome wasn’t good, but there was one good part in the beginning, and that’s when I was I was eating pussy while getting my dick sucked. And it felt like I was sucking my own dick through a portal and that, that was the best moment of my life, I gotta be honest.

Guys, thank you so much. That’s it. We did it. Hell yeah. Thank you.


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