Shane Gillis’ debut stand-up comedy special, recorded live at The Creek and The Cave in Austin, TX, offers a blend of edgy, controversial humor and personal anecdotes. Gillis touches on a variety of topics, from his own haircut mishaps to observations on family dynamics, politics, and societal issues. He jokes about his father’s Fox News obsession, racial dynamics in football, and the absurdity of modern social media culture. The special includes candid reflections on his family, like his sister’s struggles with addiction and recovery, and his own experience coaching in the Special Olympics. Gillis also delves into political satire, poking fun at both sides of the political spectrum, and provides irreverent takes on pop culture and current events. His approach mixes dark humor with a candid examination of the absurdities of everyday life.
* * *
All right, I was thinking about the first time Congress had to come up with an age of consent. Imagine those in powdered wigs, that had to be a rough day for the fellas. It’s like some guy coming up first, like from Rhode Island, “12!” And everyone’s like, “Ew, ew, no dude. I don’t know why I have to go first on this one. It’s like the hardest one to go first on.”
[Laughter]
This is exciting. I was a little too excited. I panicked and got this haircut. What an insane f*ckup. My hair was fine, totally fine, and then two days ago, I was like, “I gotta salvage this.” It’s crazy that I thought the hair was the issue, like fixing my hair would make me look good. That was the final piece of the puzzle for me. There’s a Dominican barber shop by my house in New York. I think I’m the first white guy that’s ever been in there. I was basically Christopher Columbus of this barber shop. And they f*cked me up, dude. Don’t get a Dominican haircut if you’re white; you end up just looking more racist. It was nice though, he kept trying to reassure me the whole time, “No, man, your head’s good.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, whatever this haircut is. How are you guys?”
[Applause]
It’s good, it’s good. I’m happy, it’s nice, everybody’s back inside and all that shit. I don’t know, I had a good time. I live in New York, so I left. I went back to my parents’ house because I have white privilege.
Some people didn’t get to leave the city, I did, because of my privilege. And I used it. You gotta use it! You know what I mean? Does it feel more disrespectful to waste it? You know what, then we’re all just being racist for nothing.
But no, it’s good. I went home. My parents, I haven’t lived with them in over 10 years. They got old. They’re old as f*ck. I’m back on milk. Been f*cking crushing milk lately. I got f*cking milk fat this year. It’s a weird time in life to have a milk renaissance. I’m 33.
It was nice. I think my favorite part of the year was watching my dad watch the news. It’s a rough year for my dad and the news. He’s a Fox News guy. Don’t do that. It’s fine. Also, I see you guys, most of you have Fox News dads. How dare you deny your fathers? That’s a good dad. I don’t watch Fox, but that’s a good Fox News mom. That’s fat. You don’t want Fox News mom, that’s a bad mom. She smokes in the house. But a Fox News dad, that’s a good f*cking dad. Can you imagine if you had a f*cking MSNBC dad? There’s some guy every night at dinner like, “We need to start focusing on renewable energy.” It’s like, “Ew, dude, I didn’t know dad was gay, talking to me about solar panels like a f*cking lady.” He might have her straight as hell, dude. We f*cking hate the environment. That’s how straight we are. All we talk about is eating pussy and fracking. We hate nature. We go fishing. We don’t even eat fish. We just catch them and f*ck…
He’s good, he likes Fox. He watches it every night like every Fox News dad. My dad watches Fox every night until he can’t. That’s how long they watch. They watch every night until they get so angry they have to go to bed. My dad will watch for like two hours and then out of nowhere, he’ll just stand up and be like, “F*cking Mr. Potato Head’s trans, I’m going to bed. This world’s going to hell.” He’s all about it, dude. He loves it. Like every Fox News dad, my dad watches Fox with one goal. He’s just trying to get one fact. That’s all he’s doing. He’s sitting there, trying to retain one piece of information that he can then relay to whoever’s unlucky enough to enter the living room while he’s watching. And you’d think it’d be easy to get one fact, but every once in a while, there’s like a commercial for like a commemorative 9/11 gold coin, just f*cking wipes their hard drive. “What was I watching? I gotta get one of those. I got my hands on those patriotic coins.”
[Laughter]
My dad drinks too, so he can never get a fact, ever. He’ll come in the living room, we’ll be, he’s hammered, watching the news every night, which is the wildest way to take in world politics. Like, just hammered on a a recliner, like, “Whoa.” It’s like footage of rocket attacks in Israel, he’s like, “Whoa, what the hell are they doing over there? What’s this guy’s problem?” But he can never get a fact. Like, he tries. He uses Fox News as like a PowerPoint for what he’s trying to say. Like, everyone, like, we’ll be eating dinner and like Hannity will be saying something, he’s like, “See that? That’s what I meant. Look at that. That’s me talking. I can’t say it that good.” He can never get a fact. You’ll walk in the living room, he’s been watching the news for three hours, he’ll be like, “Alright, what’s going on in the world?” He’s like, “Do you want to know? I’ll tell you. F*cking Nancy Pelosi is a bitch… All right, settle down, dude.” That was the news last, that’s the news every night from my dad. They’re just like, “Breaking, did you know Nancy Pelosi is a bitch?” I had a feeling.
But he likes everything they say. He agrees with it. He’s all in. I realize, like, Fox News is basically Black Church for old white dudes. You know what I mean? Like, literally, everything they say, my dad just, “Say it, like, ‘Yes, preach, Tucker!'” Every once in a while, he gets hit with the Holy Spirit while he’s watching it. The Holy Ghost visits him, he’s just like, “Oh, Lord, build a wall! Can I get a wall?” He needs a wall. My dad needs a wall. For a guy who lives in central Pennsylvania, securing the southern border is oddly important to him. I don’t know what he’s worried about, like he’s going to lose his job. You know, like some guy from Honduras is going to walk the whole way to Pennsylvania, just slam a resume down on my dad’s boss’s desk: “You’re here for the sales position? Stay quiet, also.”
I was just at the border of Arizona and Mexico. There’s a wall. I had no idea. I got down there, saw the wall, and I was like, “Holy shit, he built it.” They were like, “No, it’s been here, it’s been here for like a century.” You got to tell my dad. It’ll f*ck him up. He gets fired up every night. It’s a crazy way to go to bed every night, just…
So, there’s apnea mask on every night. You walk in the living room in my house right now, my dad, he’d hit you like, “Southern border’s a mess, right?” It’s crazy.
But I make fun of him for it, and then I do the exact same thing, just with my phone. Every night, I just look at my phone until I can’t. I’m like, “Mr. Potato Head’s trans, that’s it.” Every day, I just get on, read opinions from people I know are dumb. Like, in person, I know they’re dumb. I’ve talked to them. I’m still reading their Twitter, their political opinions. It’s great.
And my Twitter is crazy. It’s half where I’m from, which is the middle of Pennsylvania, so it’s white trash. And then half, now I live in New York, so it’s crazy, they all got Twitter, they all get f*cking fired up, they have like zero followers and just tweet into the void… They love it, they do it for the love of the game. And now all my new friends, they’re literally communists from Brooklyn. So it’s wild, dude. My social, like, I’ll get on Twitter, and the first tweet I see will be someone from back home that’s just like, “F*cking Colin Kaepernick better stand up. Like this tweet if you support the police, share it if you’re not gay.” “I’m like, f*ck it, I’m sharing that.”And then the next post is just one of my new woke white friends that’s just like, “I’m not racist.” That’s it. Every day, for the last year, just a different white person popping up, like, “Look at me, look at this article I shared to my Instagram story. I’m not racist, right?” It’s like, “Alright, are you sure?”
I don’t know if you know this, like being racist isn’t like a yes or no thing. You know what I mean? It’s not like you have it or you don’t have it. Being racist is more, it’s like being hungry. You know, it’s like, “Yeah, you’re not hungry right now. But a cheeseburger could cut you off on the highway, you get hungry.”
We’re hungry all day.
The cheeseburger is Jewish in that joke. No, okay. Cheeseburgers, whatever, whatever type of cheeseburger you thought it was in your racist heart.
Anyway.
That’s it. I just get online, read opinions from people. The news, like other news, is kind of like, “This is the most divided this country has ever been,” say with the, like, the red states and the blue states. It’s like, “Why? Because we tweet at each other?” You know, we had a war, right? You know, this country had a Civil War. That was pretty divided. Like, at least nowadays, we’re communicating with each other. Back then, those guys never… They got the news like once a month. Some guy would come by on a horse, and they were like, “Who’s talking shit?” The guy was like, “The South is talking shit.” “F*ck that, I don’t like that. Give me my gun. I’m gonna go down there. I’m gonna walk down there for a month straight, shoot the first f*cking guy I see down there.”
The Civil War was basically just the North just shooting racism out of the South. That’s what happened. The North was like, “South, f*cking chill.” And the South was like, “No.” So a bunch of guys had to walk down there and shoot them a lot. And they’re like, “Alright, we’ll let them go, but we are not gonna be nice to them for a while until we find out they’re good at football and then, Roll Tide.”
[Laughter]
Yeah, “Roll Damn Tide.” I don’t like Alabama football. I watched this documentary on Alabama football. It’s great. It’s about… Well, it’s not… I don’t know if you should say it’s great. But it’s about Alabama football. It’s about when they desegregated their football team.
So, up until this point, Alabama football was just white, alright? And everybody down there was pumped about that. They would pack the stadium, everyone would be like, “Look at all those whites running around, catching it.” Hey, look, I’m not knocking them too hard because I still have a little bit of that in me. You know, like if a white guy catches the ball on Sunday, I’m like, “Oh shit, go, go, go, go, go! Ah, they got him. They got him. It’s a tough run, a smart run, heads up run there.”
But no, they took it too far. And uh, so the documentary focuses on that. It focuses on Bear Bryant. Bear Bryant, legendary head coach. He was the head coach that brought the first black players onto the team. So the whole documentary is like celebrating Bear Bryant. They’re like, “F*cking way to go, Bear. You did it. What a hero.”
And then you find out it was 1971. Yeah, well, a little late for high fives on this one, fellas. Holy shit, 71? Like, we had been to the moon. There were literally people on the moon before Alabama had black guys in their secondary.
[Laughter]
Does anyone understand? There were white corners. White cornerbacks. You understand how preposterous that is? Some of you are too young to have ever even seen a white corner. They’re extinct. They don’t exist. There are two left at the San Diego Zoo. They won’t reproduce. You’ll never see a white corner.
But that’s what happened. It wasn’t like… The reason they desegregated the team it was — that’s what the documentary focuses on, which is great — because it wasn’t like “Oh hey, fellas. It’s 1971. Maybe we should get with the times.” What happened was Alabama scheduled USC, Southern Cal. Alabama was confident. They’re like, “Oh, white boys will take on anybody and then USC came down to Alabama with a bunch of black dudes from L.A. and just beat the f*ck out of Alabama. And then after the game, Bear Bryant gave like a speech, and he was like, “Hey, y’all, come on.” That was it. That’s all it took. Everybody down there was like, “Yeah, we get it. We’ll be less racist if it means we can win.” What? That’s what it is. Like, as big as racism is in America, football, that’s true. That’s true. Look, the GOAT. There’s a Disney movie, Remember the Titans, dedicated to what I just told you.
The whole point of that movie was one high school football season. Remember the Titans was like, eight weeks. You know, that whole town went from like centuries of like, “Don’t let them in our school,” to just like, “Oh shit, the high school team’s 4-0. Those are my brothers.”
[Laughter]
All right, I’ll get off the topic. The point I’m trying to make, the point I’m trying to make is, if you want to get rights in America, you just gotta put together a good football team. You know what I mean? Like, if the transgenders got together and put together just a f*cking hard-nose, run-it-down-your-throat ball club, the trans, just three yards and a cloud of dust of transgenders, if the trans community could just somehow upset Alabama, everybody down there tomorrow would be like, “Those are some tough bitches… actually, right.”
[Applause]
All right, we got out of that. There are some rough patches in there. That’s all right. Well, this won’t go great either.
[Laughter]
You know how like every show and movie now, it’s like a remake of something? They just remake an old thing and just make it more progressive and just put it out. Like, they remade Ocean’s 11, like a heist movie, with all gorgeous women. That movie should have been 10 minutes long. They literally should have got to the casino and just blown the security guards. They’d be like, “Here are the keys to the safe. Take everything. I love you. You guys, you crazy bitches. I love you bitches.” It’s just… That’s all they make. They either make that or they make slavery movies every year. Those are for no one. I have black friends. I was like, “Dude, you guys like these?” They’re like, “No, we thought these were for you.” Like, “No, we all hate those.” Stop making them. It’s uncomfortable.
Civil Rights movies are good, though. I like, like Judas and the Black Messiah was sick. Remember the Titans is great. Hidden Figures was the movie about the black ladies at NASA, or as my dad likes to call it, “Medea Goes to the Moon.”
Look, that was him that said that. He said that. As soon as he said it, I was like, “What did you f*cking say? You don’t talk like that.”
So every movie is just remade, more progressive. I just think it’d be funny if, like, the right started remaking, you know what I mean? If they just start, like, conservatives, like, there’s a new Scooby-Doo coming out. And it’d be funny if, like, the right remade it. It’s just like Scooby and the gang going around ripping the wigs off of transgender people. It’s like, “That’s not a woman!” Some guy, “I would have got away with it.”
“We solved the case of the Starbucks ghoul.”
[Laughter]
Has enough time passed that we can admit that Trump was funny? Can we finally admit that? He was funny. Well, hold on, I don’t like the tone on that, that’s not what I’m going for here. “Yeah, the great leader…” He was funny. Now, whether or not that’s a great quality for the Commander-in-Chief, that’s definitely up for debate. But he was funny. I saw it.
And I lived in New York, so the whole time he was in office, I would be like, you know, something would happen, I’d show my friends, like, “Look at that.” They’d be like, “What? It’s funny, okay? There’s nothing funny about Donald Trump.” I don’t… I don’t know. During Hurricane Dorian, he was like, “Maybe we should nuke it.” Like, that was a real suggestion from the president. The president of the United States. He was like, “Hey, we got a big storm coming. You guys want me to blow it up?” And I was like, “No, what the f*ck are you talking about?” “I don’t know, I just f*ck around dude. That’s what I do.”
I don’t know. Now that he’s gone, I’ll never watch a debate ever again. Can you imagine, like, just a regular debate now, after we went like… We witnessed the GOAT, undefeated in debates, and he never said a fact. You know how impressive that is? He was funny, and he argued like a fifth grader. He was unstoppable. People tried to hit him with statistics and facts, he would just go, “Wrong.” Holy f*ck, dude. How is no one prepared for this?
Go back and watch those debates. You forget how good, how electric that shit was. Don’t tell your friends in Austin, they’ll be mad. Just get a six-pack, toss on a Trump highlight video on YouTube. It’s a good night, dude.
Why, I went back. I watched his first debate. That’s like my favorite one. At the time, Trump was pulling at like less than one percent. Like, he was nobody. If you guys like him now, you didn’t back then. And I know that because my dad, my dad at the time, any time Trump even came on TV, my dad was like, “Get this f*cking joker off the screen.” And then now, my dad’s like, “Guys can’t go to the Capitol? He’s like, ‘Guys can’t have fun anymore?'”
It was because of the debates. That’s what did it, dude. That’s how we got Trump, these debates. And the first one is the best one. So it’s a Republican primary, everyone’s up on stage, and they’re all still doing their political shit So like the first couple of guys that talk are like, “I’m from Kentucky, and I love education.” And the crowd’s like, “Nice, we didn’t know what was coming.”
Then the next guy’s like, “I’m from Georgia, and I love religion.” The crowd’s like, “Pretty good, this is a good one.” It was a heated debate. And then it finally got to Trump’s turn to talk, and he was just like, “Rand Paul is ugly.” And the whole crowd was like, “Oh, we didn’t know you could do that in this. You can just do that as your thing?”
And Rand Paul was like, “Alright everybody, settle down. We’re trying to have a debate here.” And the whole crowd was like, “Shut the f*ck up, Rand Paul. Ugly bitch!” And we just kept throwing dorks up on stage to make him debate Trump. It was not fair. It was mean for us to have done that to people. These guys were in politics their whole lives, and they just had to debate a f*cking maniac up there who didn’t give a f*ck.
And I hated him, but it was fun to cheer for him in the debates. It was fun to cheer for him in the debates because, dude, he was going up against guys that had been in politics for like 40 years, and then he showed up to the event like, “Oh f*ck, what are we talking about?” He had no clue. Every week, he had no f*cking idea. There’s one debate, there’s one debate, he’s like in the middle of it, going back and forth about the economy with Ted Cruz. They’re literally talking about the economy, and in the middle of it, he’s just like, “Ted’s wife is ugly as a dog.” Holy shit, dude. Ted was like, “I’m from Texas, you don’t talk about a man’s family like that.” And Trump’s like, “You’ve got a dog wife, Ted. Everyone knows.”
Yeah, and a week later, Ted Cruz was on TV like, “I support Donald J…” He’s like, “You pussy”
I will say this, the one thing that sucked about Trump losing was, for me, it was because I just figured out kind of how to do his voice. That’s kind of a bummer. It’s not hard to do Trump. It’s very… all you have to do, do that, do that a second off from where it should be in the sentence, and then all you… like, you don’t have to sound like him, all you have to do is get his cadence down. It’s very easy. All you have to do is describe something and then say you described it that way. That’s it. It’s every time, like, “What a big room this is. I walked in here, I said, ‘Wow, what a big room.'”
[Applause]
“Austin, a lot of homeless. I walked in here, I said, ‘Wow, that’s a lot of homeless’.” You guys got it. You got a lot of homeless. What are you guys doing about it? Whatever you guys are doing is not working. So cheap. Switch, I don’t know what to do either, but do something. “A lot of tents.”
[Laughter]
“Why?” It’s been making me laugh, thinking about Trump, like not understanding why people are homeless. “I walked out, I saw them, I said, ‘Why are you living in tents?’ I could never. These guys…”
But I will say this about Trump, I don’t want you guys to get… I don’t want to turn this into a rally. I will say this, so don’t freak out, just listen. I will… I think it’s fair to say that of all the presidents we’ve had, I think it’s fair to say that Trump would have been the funniest one to see get shot. You know, dude, the patriots got fired up on that. Dude, I was having fun at this show.
No, look, I didn’t even say it would be funny. I said funniest. It’s a huge difference. Technically, there’s the funniest of everything. There is. It doesn’t make it funny, but there is, like, think of the worst thing you can think of. There’s a funniest one. I’ll go first. I’ll think of one. School shooting. None of those are funny. Zero funny. But maybe there was one where, like, the horse girl in the class, like, could sense something was coming. You know what I mean? They’re like, “What’s wrong?” And she was like…
[Laughter]
But back to what I was saying about, if you had… What I said was true. If you had to rank them, from least funny to funniest assassination, easy, number one. Really. He’d be talking shit, like, when it happened, he’d be doing like a rally, “My opponent’s gay. I walked in, I saw him, I said, ‘Wow, this guy’s gay.’ ” The shooter would be coming out, “Sit down. You’re gay.” Get hit. He’d definitely make a funny noise into the… Like, he’d get hit, fall funny.
I will say, I did write that joke before Biden could be added to the rankings. I don’t think he would be the funniest, but the only reason Biden might be the funniest is because I think Biden’s the first president you could punch assassinate. You know what I mean? Just walk right up through the metal, “Texas, Mr. President, the hell are you doing, dude?” It’s a body shot.
[Laughter]
I’d add that joke…
My dad’s… “He can’t be talking about killing presidents.” What about body… Music. My dad’s… He’s a good guy. He’s an alcoholic, but he’s good. He’s like a good alcoholic. He’s not hurting anybody. But everyone’s, he’s always got an excuse for why he’s drinking. That’s what’s funny about it. Like, he can never just get hammered and be like, “Yeah, I got f*cked up.” It’s always like, “You’ll see him on like a Monday, you’ll be like, ‘Damn, it’s Monday, you’re getting f*cked up?’ He’s like, ‘It’s Monday Night Football. Have a couple of drinks, geez.'” You’ll see him on like a Tuesday, you’ll be like, “Damn, it’s Tuesday, you’re getting f*cked up?” He’s like, “It’s Tuesday. There’s no football.”
[Music]
What the hell. And my sister does heroin, and uh, and that one, we’re like, “You do need to stop doing that.” Which sucks for her because if she played guitar, everybody would be like, “She’s a genius.” Instead, she’s a hairdresser, so it’s not as cool.
Relax, it’s my family. It’s my family. Don’t worry about it. Actually, based on this crowd, I’m sure it’s actually a lot of your guys’ families too. And that’s all right. We’re allowed to talk about it.
My sister, since she was doing heroin, we had to have an intervention for her. She lived out in Pittsburgh. We live in the middle of Pennsylvania. So we had to trick her to come home. You got to trick them. I don’t know if you know these guys, they’re not just f*cking stopping by. They’re very busy. They’re the busiest people. They get a bad rap for being lazy because they take a lot of naps. But if they’re awake, they’re f*cking…very busy. They’re scurrying around, dude, doing quests.
That’s what they do. If you do heroin long enough, you run out of money. You got to start doing quests. You know, it’s… You know, it’s like a f*cked up game of Zelda every day. You just wake up to a new quest. It’s like, “You need to gather coppers. Gonna find a scrap yard.” It sounds nice. I wish I got quests.
But eventually, the quests get pretty dark. Scrapyard, that’s like level one. Towards the end, the quest, you need to get titty behind the Home Depot.
[Laughter]
It’s when it’s time for a change.
So we had to come up with a plan to trick her to come home for the intervention. The plan we came up with was we told her that we had won tickets to go to Six Flags. And it worked. She called back, she’s already, “Alright, I’ll be there.” Just got on the first bus. It’s like a seven-hour bus ride. There’s nothing to them, dude. No, if you take heroin, every bus is a bullet train. It’s a five-minute ride, tops.
Anyway, so the plan was, pick my sister up from the bus stop, not take her to Six Flags. They could take her to a hotel, where we’re gonna have an intervention. I didn’t want to start the intervention with like a lack of trust, so I took her to Six Flags the day of her intervention. The morning of that day, she and I went to Six Flags together. And I thought that was a nice gesture, but it turns out an intervention is supposed to be rock bottom. You know what I mean? Like, an intervention’s supposed to be the worst day of your life, not like you’re tired from easily the best day humanly possible.
I mean, she took heroin and rode roller coasters. It was… Dude, it was impossible. We sat down with her, like, “You better f*cking change your life.” She’s like, “I’m going back tomorrow.”
And I was with her. She was… She was f*cked up. If you know anyone from Pittsburgh, you know what she was wearing. She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants. Steelers pajama pants. She dusted off her finest Hines Ward for the occasion.
[Laughter]
So we get in there, there’s a water park there. We didn’t know they added that. We haven’t been there since we were kids. We get in there, there’s one of those water slides, it’s just like a f*cking straight drop. No sides on it, no raft, just by yourself. She looks at it, she’s like, “I wanna go up on that one.” I was like, “Yeah, alright, yeah, f*ck it… you know, I knew she was going to rehab like that night, so I was like, ‘Yeah, get this one in. You’re gonna have a rough couple of months here.'”
Also, I figured they would stop her. She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants, trying to get on a water slide. All they did was make her take her f*cking crocs off. Her yellow crocs. So she’s climbing up this ladder, she gets to the top of this f*cking giant water slide. You like when it’s your turn next on a water ride, you got to lay there in that water and wait to go? She nodded off. She took a nap, up at the top, like a Dracula, laying in front of some high school lifeguard that’s like, “Uh, ma’am, it’s your turn.” He just sent her down, asleep, just flying down this thing, dude.
There’s a ramp at the end. She hit it, and we all got to watch her wake up in mid-air. She did the whole f*cking…
I don’t know how that wasn’t f*cking rock bottom. So, you woke up in mid-air.
Anyway, don’t be sad about it. She’s good. She did go to rehab, and that’s good. Yeah, she’s done. She stopped using. She’s sober. She’s all good. Two years clean.
[Applause]
Yeah, yeah, it’s good. She did… Uh, she did get cancer, though. So… And COVID. Cancer and COVID.
So, I’ll tell you what, this was cool. I got… I was with her. I was with her. She was at home. She went back to my parents’ house because when you have cancer and COVID, you got to go home. You can’t keep hanging out.
But no, I was with her. It was crazy. She… This year, she beat heroin, cancer, and COVID. It was like living with Rocky. It was crazy, dude. Every week, my whole family was like, “Give up. You’re never gonna win this.” She’s like… Just kept winning.
When she got COVID, I was like, “Alright, you’re definitely dead.”
“I ain’t hear no bell.” Just wailed on it, dude. Yeah, she’s got a hell of a chin. A hell of a chin on my sister. And what better quality could you ask for in a human?
Anyway… Damn, dudes. F*ck that music across the street, dude, that f*cking bothers me. I’m an old man now. “Turn it down. Okay, now what is that? Rap? Turn it off. Gotta talk about my sister doing heroin over here!”
This has been making me laugh. I’ve been thinking about like the first time, uh… Like, uh, Jesus Christ. I do comedy a lot, and every once in a while, you can hear music from another room. And it’s like, “Damn, dude, music’s so much better.”
Every time I hear music, I’m like, “F*ck dude, that crushes what I do.” Some idiot dressed like Cam Newton pressing play. It’s so much better than this. You guys want to hear about my problems? This guy’s like, “Take Molly, finger someone. I’m gonna press play. You guys do you.” F*ck they’re having so much fun over there. Get the f*ck out of here, go dance.
I knew you wanted to dance. That guy wanted to dance all night.
Alright, I like my family. It’s a good family. I had to go to my niece’s 7th and 8th grade girls’ volleyball match recently. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, dude. Shut up. Just relax.
I don’t want to f*ck kids, but if you ever want to get out of something, that’s all you have to do. Like, if your friend’s like, “Do you want to come to our son’s T-ball game?” Be like, “What grade are the kids in?” And then, no matter what they say, go, “Fourth?”
[Laughter]
No, I went to this f*cking kids’ volleyball match. Can we knock it off with volleyball shorts on little kids? It’s weird. It’s gross, dude. Just get them gym shorts. That’s all. No, dude, it’s gross because then, you know, it’s just me and the other uncles up in the… up in the bleachers, kind of making eye contact with each other like, “Bro, are you seeing this?”
[Laughter]
Such a funny way to just destroy a show, just right at the very end, be like, “Aren’t kids hot? Yo, give it up for Trump. Aren’t kids hot?”
No, I am. I truly am serious about the gym shorts, though. It’s weird. And so I got home from this f*cking volleyball match. My roommate, his girlfriend played college volleyball. So I’m very excited to, like, shit on volleyball whenever I can. So I get in there, and I was like, “Yo, volleyball is f*cking…, that’s a weird culture. Get them f*cking shorts. Get them gym shorts. The shorts they’re wearing is gross.” And she was like, “No, we need those shorts for speed on the court.” And I was like, “Uh, I know that’s not true. I watched the NBA. None of you are moving as fast as like a ref, and those guys are wearing like slacks, dress shoes, for some reason.”
She was like, “No, we need those shorts. The tight shorts, they’re essential.” She compared them to like a helmet in football. I was like, “I know they’re not essential because I Googled the Special Olympics volleyball team.”
[Laughter]
All of a sudden, those shorts weren’t so essential for them. What’s that about?
How baggy do you think they’re… They look like the f*cking AND1 Mixtape out there. Offensively baggy is how I would describe all of their attires.
[Laughter]
We’re all adults. We can… This, we all agree the Special Olympics is a good… It’s a good program. I just… It’s great. I just feel like the guy who came up with it had to be like a real risk-taker. You know what I mean? That’s a wild thing to suggest for the first time. Some guy in a board meeting like, “I got an idea. We should be racing these motherf*ckers.” Like, “What’d you say?” “Uh, town over said that they’re the fastest ones. Say we settle it, you know?”
I’m not making fun of the Olympians. The concept is wild. It’s a wild, like, if your best friend invented the Special Olympics and told you about it first, you’d be like, “Don’t ever tell anybody that. Who the f*ck are you going to tell that to? What are you doing? Pole vault?”
[Laughter]
I actually, personally, I actually volunteered and coached with the Special Olympics for a little while. So, you know what? You guys do…
No, don’t clap, please. I did it for those kids.
[Applause]
I look like this, so me coaching the Special Olympics, I was like a f*cking double agent. No one knew whose side I was on, dude. Player, chaperone, no one knew. I’d be standing there coaching, holding a clipboard, with five dudes that looked exactly like me. I always see the coaches from the other team looking over like, “I think they got… I think they’re f*cking letting one of them coach.”
Yeah, no, I did coach the Special Olympics for a little while. And it’s fun. That’s another thing, you’re allowed to talk about it. It’s happy, everyone there’s sportsmanship. It is funny. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not funny, dude. I was there.
Everyone there is laughing. It’s fun. I coached basketball. Kids would catch the ball, just launch it into the bleachers. People be like “What the f*ck are you doing out there?” My whole team ruled. Everybody, every dude on my team, they were the funniest. They were bros. They’re bros, dude. My whole team loved two things: they love tits, they do. I don’t know if you know these guys, dude. They f*cking love the ladies. And they love John Cena. That’s it. That was the news every day. We’d be in the huddle, they’d be like, “A lot of ladies here tonight.” I was like, “Yeah.” They’d be like, “What do you think John Cena is up to?” “Oh, you’re gonna have to get way worse before you meet him.”
See, he’s just like the angel of death for those guys. I told my guys, I was like, “You see Cena coming, you get the f*ck out of there. He’s taking souls with him.”
[Laughter]
Every year, Hooters would sponsor our one basketball tournament. Alright? So, every year, Hooters would bring like three or four waitresses, and they would present like a big cardboard check donation to the Special Olympics. As soon as the girls entered the gym, the game changed entirely, dude. It went from like hugs and sportsmanship to just like dudes got competitive. Like very competitive. F*cking ripping down rebounds, just hitting layups.
[Laughter]
And then at the end of the game, there’d be a hug line, you know, between the waitresses and the players. And yeah, that went about exactly how you would imagine that went. We had to break out the f*cking jaws of life, dude. My boys, my boys were ragging on those young sluts. And I’m not knocking the players. They were totally in the right. The girls were hot. The waitresses, like every year, I would sneak into the hug line myself.
Alright, I think I’m going to get out of here, guys. Thank you guys very much. This was a lot of fun. Thank you.
[Applause]
[Music]
* * *
