Sebastian Maniscalco: Stay Hungry (2019) – Full Transcript

Sebastian's captivating storytelling keeps the audience engaged as he unpacks spin classes, pregnancy photoshoots, and wedding dances.

[instrumental music plays] ♪ All right ♪ [screeching] [cheering and applause] Beautiful New York City. [cheering and applause continues] Now, I’ve got my father here. [cheering] And he’s planning the whole day today. He wanted to do lunch. He’s like, “Let’s go to the freedom thing. -Take a look at that. -[laughter] Maybe we go to Central Park.” I go, “Dad, I’m– I’m playing Radio City tonight. I got shit going on.” [laughter] He goes, “What, are you too big now? Big shot! [laughter] You’re a biggie, biggie shot. You can’t go out to lunch with your father? [laughter] Biggie, biggie shot.” [laughter]

Came in on Wednesday, and it was… I don’t know what’s going on on these airplanes. Looks like a farm on the airplane now with the amount of animals coming down the aisle. [laughter] When did this…? Okay. Why– why is it okay to just bring the dog, a parrot. [laughter] You see a couple months ago, at the Newark Airport? Some idiot tried to bring a peacock. [laughter] She had a peacock on her shoulder, walking into the airport, like it was TUMI luggage. I mean, what? [laughter] The thing fell off. She’s trying to gather it. [laughter] When these people leave the house, anybody say anything to them? [laughter] If I left the house with a peacock on my back, someone would come up to me, “Where the fuck you going with that? [laughter] You gonna bring it on an airplane? What are you, nuts?” [laughter]

There was a fight on my airplane. We couldn’t even take off. Someone got their ass kicked on the flight. I mean… This is happening on a weekly basis. Just do what you’re told. That’s how I grew up. Just do what you’re told. What’s with the lip? [laughter] If I’m on an airplane and four stormtroopers get on my plane with flak jackets on… that say “Security”, and they come right to my row and tell me, “Hey, you’re gonna have to get up…” I’m up! [laughter] I take my bag, my cup of coffee… “I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Do I just pick up my voucher here and wait 14 days for the next flight? That sounds totally fair to me. Just don’t kick my ass. I am sorry I interrupted everybody’s vacation. Let me just make my way off the fuselage.” [laughter] What are you gonna do? Fight someone nowadays? This– this is not 20 years ago, where you’re at a nightclub and some guy gives you a little… Remember those days, some guy would just kind of lean his shoulder right into your chestplate. [laughter] [mouthing] Come on. [laughter] “You want some of this, huh? Hold my cologne. You want to do this?” [laughter]

Back then you got into a fist fight. Maybe you got a black eye. Maybe. That’s all people knew how to do, was to punch. Now… You don’t know what this guy knows with this Mixed Martial Arts. [laughter] This MMA. This guy will end up on your back with his heels into your nuts, choking you out. [laughter] How do you defend that? I mean… [laughter] These MMA guys, that’s a different guy. That’s a tough man. They don’t punch. They’ll kick– They’ll kick your leg off. [laughter] They train on banana trees. Just kicking down a banana tree. How do you think your leg’s gonna hold up? [laughter] Could you… Honest to God, could you withstand a strike to the peroneal nerve from a 23-year-old grown man? I can’t. [laughter]

I can’t take nothing. I got up last night at 3:00 in the morning to go take a piss, I stubbed my toe. Down for 58 minutes. [laughter] You ever stub your toe at night? [laughter] You don’t even want to look down. You’re like, “I know the nail came off. The nail came off and one toe is busted. I just want to take a piss. I’ll find the nail in the morning and I’ll wipe the blood off the sheets. This is ridiculous. God, the pain.” [laughter]

You can’t fight an MMA guy. That’s a tough guy. That’s a tough life. [laughter] They got a strudel for an ear. What is this… what is that? [laughter] There’s nothing I could do to this guy that hurts more than a strudel hanging off the left side of the cranium. [laughter] Watch how they come into the ring. They’re just… [laughter] …stretching out their teeth. Oh, my God. If I was his opponent, I’m like, “This is it. I’m gonna die tonight. This guy’s gonna… kill me.” I’m not fighting nobody. I’m barely working out at this age. I’ve been doing the same workout since ’89. [laughter] I just go to the gym. Couple biceps, some chest. I start beading, I get the hell out of the gym. [laughter] I ain’t sweating through clothing. Those days are done. [laughter] Maybe if I’m feeling good, I’ll hit the treadmill. I did that last week. I got on my treadmill there, and there’s eight empty treadmills next to me. So, I put it on 5.0. Now, it’s not too high. It’s not too slow. It’s a valet jog. Let me go get your Mercedes. [laughter] Another guy comes right next to me, on the treadmill next to me, right? Eight treadmills, he’s gotta pick this one. [laughter]

This is the problem with me. I can’t pay attention to what I’m doing. I’m honed in on everyone else. Especially if they get near me, I start looking at what this guy is up to. I’m giving him a side view. [laughter] And he’s not starting the machine. I’m getting bothered. I’m like, “Guy, start your machine. You’re screwing up what I’m doing over here.” [laughter] He’s stretching out… on the treadmill. Now, listen. There’s a place for this in the gym. There’s a stretch-out area. Okay, I don’t go to the stretch-out area and run around people. [laughter] You don’t bring your stretch to the mill. [laughter] So, you ever look at a treadmill? They’ve got a bunch of different compartments. I always wondered… who’s using all this storage? [laughter] This is the guy. They built the treadmill for him. This guy’s emptying his life into these little bins. The change, the iPhone… the wallet, the keys. He brought an iPad. He brought a cinema… to the gym. [laughter] Then he put his little bitch-buds in, right? [laughter] Then he cranked it up to 15. I didn’t even know the damn thing went this high. [laughter] The manufacturer said, “Yeah, leave it at 15. No one’s going to do that.” But this guy’s sprinting. Fast. Do you ever see people on a treadmill? They run fast and hard, like the whole gym could hear them run? It’s like… [imitates thudding] Like a sock… is gonna fly off at any minute. [laughter] Then he pulled this one. He just rested on the side, and let the thing… [laughter] Just do what we are doing. Don’t do some weird work out that you saw… [laughter] Then he… I’ve never seen this before. He had like a water backpack… [laughter] …like, that you would see in the desert. He had a backpack filled with water, and then a tube… [laughter] …that he could just sip. [laughter] Then he dropped it down. Then he pulled this one. He turned towards me. Now he starts side skipping. Oh, my God. [laughter] I cannot run on a treadmill with another grown man looking right at me. [laughter] Doing side skips. [laughter] I came home, I told my wife this story. She don’t get it. She don’t understand. She’s like, “Why do you look at everybody? Just do you.” “Why do you look at the whole gym?” I go, “‘Cause that’s what makes me happy. I like to be bothered.” [laughter] She says, “Come with me. I’m gonna spin class tomorrow.” I say, “Okay, I’ll come. I’ll come to your spin class.”

I’ve never done this before. But I went to SoulCycle, -whatever it is, right? -[cheering] Yeah, see, everybody gets so hopped up. [laughter] I go to the one in LA, everybody’s fake positive. All right? They come into the class, “What’s going on? How’s it going? Are we gonna do this today?” Okay. Relax. Relax. It’s a class. It’s a spin class. [laughter] So right away, I’m bothered. I go, “Babe, I gotta get out of here. I can’t– I can’t do this.” Already I’m upset. [laughter] She like, “Come on, let’s go check in and get our shoes. I said, “Shoes? What is this? A bowling alley?” [laughter] Everybody’s got these special spin shoes. So they’re all walking around… [laughter] “I’m on Bike 22. Could you tell me where bike… Okay, it’s over here? Great.” [laughter] So, we signed up late. My wife and I did not have bikes together. My wife starts panicking. She’s like, “Babe, we’re not doing this together. I’m on the other side of the room. I have to ask the girl next to you.” I go, “Babe, don’t start doing this shit. The girl next to me is already set up. She’s got a water bottle, everything’s in place. Do not ask her anything.” I go, “Babe, we’re not gonna talk during this. It’s a 45-minute class. We’re not gonna, like… I’m not gonna turn to you and go, ‘Did you pay the gas bill?’ This is a workout. [laughter] We’re not gonna hold hands on the bike. This is not a ride through Central Park. This is a stationary bike.” [laughter] So I start to work out. The class didn’t even start. I just started on my own thing. I ain’t waiting. If I’m there, let’s get the thing going. I’m cooking. [laughter] So now the teacher comes in. This guy was way too happy for what was happening in the room. [laughter] He’s one of these, like, real positive teachers. He’s like, “All right, everybody. Are you ready? It’s a Monday morning. Put your head down. Let’s get rid of that mean boss that keeps bitching at you every time you come in. Let’s get rid of that debt that you have. Let’s shed that cousin that didn’t come to the holiday dinner.” I’m like, “Gee, how bad is it in here for these people? I’m just here to get rid of the cheesecake I had last night, not the abusive father. What the hell is going on?” [laughter]

But my wife grew up, like, very athletic… She grew up in a family where they just– they have a lot of time on that side. They’ve got a lot of money… So nobody’s doing anything really, you know? [laughter] Everybody’s really relaxed. [laughter] Like, when I went over there for the first time, I was meeting my wife’s family, and, like, everybody was home. [laughter] Like, on a Tuesday at 2:30. I go, “Why is everybody… home?” [laughter] Like, no one works over there. They just, you know. I’m like, “What do your cousins do?” “I-I don’t know, really. I don’t, uh, really know what they do. I think… they’re in advertising, but I don’t really know what they do.” [laughter]

They’re so relaxed. They’re the type of family that when they graduated college, they took a year off to go find themselves. Do you know people like this? They graduate and they go backpacking through Europe and stay at hostels like they’re broke. [laughter] They go find themselves. That shit don’t fly on my side. [laughter] When I graduated college, I couldn’t tell my father, “Dad, I’m gonna go to Europe to go find myself.” [laughter] “What do you mean, go find yourself? [laughter] I found you, you’re right here in my house. Where are you gonna go? [laughter] You want to see you? Go look in the mirror. You got no job and you’re in my house. I found you. You’re here.” [laughter]

My wife’s side is like really happy and they encourage things. [laughter] Right? They, like, do retreats as a family. They– they work on their inner self. “We work on our inner self.” [laughter] They do therapy. My– my family don’t do any of this. No therapy, no bettering… It’s like, “This is it. What are you going to do? Change? This is you.” [laughter] No one’s popping pills on my side. Nobody’s on antidepressants. My father’s like, “I’ve been depressed for 30 years!” [laughter] We just handle our problems in the house. We didn’t broadcast our problems. My father was like, “Shh, don’t tell nobody what’s going on in here. Okay?” [laughter] Even within our family there was, like, secrets. No one said anything. My grandfather had polio. He had one leg significantly shorter than the other leg. Nobody said nothing. I– Nobody mentioned he had a disease. [laughter] My whole childhood I was just like, “Okay, that’s the way men from Sicily walk.” [laughter] I asked my father one day. I said, “What’s wrong with Grandpa?” “What do you mean what’s wrong? Why would you say that about your grandfather? What do you mean what’s wrong with him?” “I don’t know,  he’s got a two by four nailed to his heel. I-I don’t– I’ve never seen a shoe like that. I– [laughter] Nobody’s saying anything about the man’s shoes.” [laughter]

I don’t know. My… My family. My father, my mother, man. They know me back and forth. They can tell if anything is wrong with me, if I’m feeling a certain way. My father would walk right in my house, look right in my eyes, “Hey, drunk? Fucked up? [laughter] What’s wrong with you. Your eyes. Something’s wrong.” [laughter] He’s like upset that I had two drinks. “You drink? You drink a little?” [laughter] That’s why I’m shocked to hear these parents today have no idea what their kids are doing. Right? You hear it on the news all the time. “We had no idea.” [laughter] Kid’s in his room with 16 bazookas, 19 grenades. He’s going to school dressed as Darth Vader. You know? Look– look in the room! [laughter] It starts at the house. [cheering and applause] Growing up, my mother lived in my room constantly, just looking for shit. [laughter] My mom knew what I was doing when I was a teenager. She would come downstairs with a towel. She was like, “Hey, I found this in your room. [laughter] You’re sick. You’re sick. [laughter] You owe me a whole new set of towels. [laughter] I can’t get this out. [laughter] No son of mine is gonna do that in my house.” [laughter]

My wife’s side is so different, man. [laughter] My wife is always happy. She’s– Even when bad things go wrong, she’s always with a smile, this woman. She came home… came home last month. She was like, “Babe, I don’t know what happened, but… [laughter] I was backing out of the parking lot at the mall, and I just sideswiped a cement pylon. [laughs] It’s just a graze. It’s a small graze. You could probably buff it out or use some Carnauba Wax to just… You know?” [laughter] Now, my immediate reaction is to yell. That’s– that’s how I grew up. High volume. [laughter] I’d come home with a flat tire on my bicycle, and my father would be like, “What the fuck is this?” [laughter] “I don’t know! [laughter] I didn’t see the nail!” [laughter] My wife grew up with a mother that was more forgiving. “Accidents happen. [laughter] Just as long as you were not injured, we could always replace it.” [laughter] My father was like, “Guess who’s walking this summer? [laughter] Can’t get you nothing nice.” [laughter]

So now I can’t yell– I can’t yell at my wife. She does not respond to yelling. Last time I raised my voice, she gave it right back to me. She’s like, “I don’t know what this is, but you better bring this down, and let’s talk like adults and resolve it. Okay, let’s just resolve it. I think you need some therapy. You and your father should get in some type of group retreat… for your condition. I don’t know.” [laughter] So, I can’t yell. I got to push it. I got to push this shit deep. I– [laughter] I don’t even know who I am anymore. I-I don’t even sound like me. [laughter] I’m sitting in the kitchen like, “Yeah, okay. It’s just a graze, then. [laughter] I think I could probably buff it out. If you said it’s a graze… it’s a graze. [laughter] Could we go to the driveway to look at what you call a graze is? Because I’d love to… [laughter] …know in your head what you think that is.” [laughter] She’s like, “Yeah, no, I’ll show you.” So both of us go out to the driveway. I’m like, “We need a new door!” [laughter] [mouthing] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s me. It’s me. Wow. My wife doesn’t know what’s involved in an accident. That’s my assignment now. That’s six weeks now that I had to deal with this headache. Calling the insurance, telling them, “Listen, don’t spike up the… It’s a graze. Here, I–” [laughter] I’ve got to go rent a car, sign my life away on 123 pages for a Nissan Altima. [laughter] I gotta go to a body shop. You ever go there? Man, they’re waiting for you to pull in. What are you gonna do, fix it at your garage? You do body work? I know nobody that does this. I’ve got to go in. You go to a body shop, everybody comes out, the whole– the whole garage. [laughter] When you pull in, they have a guy that’s like, “Hey, we got one Let’s take a look at it.” [laughter] And they swarm the car. They just… I thought I was in a Cirque du Soleil show. They were… [laughter] Then they call out the head guy, he’s the best actor they got. [laughter] “Frankie, you want to take a look at this?” [laughter] As soon as he sees the car, he’s like, “Whoa. [laughter] What, did you get sideswiped by a semi?” [laughter] I said, “No, my wife calls this a graze. She says– She says you could get it out with some Carnauba wax. I can’t open the door, but she says this is a nine-dollar job. with some Carnauba wax. I can’t yell or scream at the house. I have to suppress all my emotion and feeling into my feet, and I don’t know who I am anymore, but she just says it’s a graze. Uh, I don’t understand why she didn’t see anything. We have sensors and a camera in the vehicle. But, of course, I couldn’t mention that in the heat of the moment or I’d be sleeping outside on the lawn. So, if you could just get out your wax and buff that out, that would be fantastic.” [laughter] [cheering and applause]
So this guy knows he’s got me. [laughter] He goes into his whole spiel. They always get on one knee. I don’t like when they– they do the one-knee job. [laughter] And then they start talking to themselves, “What the heck? That’s a shame. That’s a shame. [laughter] See, if you would have got hit an inch… [laughter] An inch here… I could have buffed it out. But… [laughter] since your wife hit it where she hit it, I’ve got to remove the quarter panel, I’ve got to take out the trunk, remove the seats, the engine’s got to go…” “What?” [laughter] “Hey, I’m just spitballing here, but 20, 21 grand. I– Don’t quote me on that, I haven’t removed anything, but… that’s what I’m guessing from the start.”

It’s just different. And now we got a little baby. She’s gonna be one in four days. [cheering] Five days. [applause] A little daughter at home. It’s hard to combine these two different bring-ups. Right? Because my wife has got one view on the world, I’ve got another. Now we’ve got to give this… to this little baby. Right? She don’t know what the hell’s in store for her. [laughter]

When my wife first got pregnant, everybody was asking us, “Are you gonna take photographs of the belly… [laughter] …and do an announcement? Like, ‘We’re pregnant.’ [laughter] Put it on Facebook… Are you guys gonna do that?” [laughter] I said, “No, we’re just gonna tell people. This is it, she’s pregnant.” [laughter] You see these guys on these pregnancy announcements? The husband’s on his knee, kissing the belly. [laughter] Everybody’s living their life through Facebook. Videos… You’re gonna see it soon. Wedding season is just around the corner. You’re gonna see wedding videos from the wedding… of this choreographed dance that the groom and the groomsmen… Have you– have you seen this? Like, the groom is dancing with the bride, and then, all of a sudden, the lights go up. And then the bride’s like, “What’s going on? [laughter] Oh, my God.” And nine of the groomsmen come out and do a 12 minute… [laughter] …choreographed routine. I– I got married five years ago. I couldn’t get my groomsmen to go get their tuxedos fitted. [laughter] Let alone come to my house and rehearse. [laughter]

Everybody’s got something, though. Everybody’s trying to teach you something on Facebook. There’s always a video, a “Do It Yourself” video, or a life hack. Some guy, 53-year-old guy. He’s got his own channel, he’s in his bathroom with a camera. [laughter] Once a week he comes out with an episode: “What’s up, guys? Welcome to Jim’s Corner. [laughter] Today, I’m gonna teach you how to get that last amount of toothpaste out of your toothpaste tube. [laughter] Simply take a woman’s barrette, attach it to the end of the tube. Now, what you want to do is move the toothpaste near the aperture. Some air is gonna build up in the tube. Take the scissors and let out the…” Go buy another tube, Jim. [laughter] What are you doing in your bathroom… with a bottle of Crest? [laughter]

So my wife had a nice pregnancy, but when we went to the hospital… I got a little disappointed with the customer service at the ho… We went to the delivery room. I thought this thing was gonna be packed in the delivery room. Sold out. Doctors, nurses, specialists, some interns. Nothing. It’s me, a nurse, and the doctor. And my wife starts going into labor. I go, “Wait, where is everybody?” [laughter] And the doctor’s like, “This is it! Grab a foot.” [laughter] I said, “With all the money we’re paying, we don’t got a… foot guy?” [laughter] I thought I was gonna be up here… for emotional support, rubbing the hair, not in the back with a heel. [laughter] I thought I was gonna make my wife laugh throughout the whole… labor thing. I had– I had a whole set planned. [laughter] We’ve been together nine years. I was planning on doing it, you know, from the first date. Soon as the contractions hit, I went right into the set. I’m like, “Babe, you remember when we first went…” She was like, “Don’t fucking look at me.” Okay. [laughter]

No one tells you anything. I don’t even have anything on. Nobody gave me like a smock, a hat, a mask. I was in there in a T-shirt and jeans. And I didn’t even know if I was gonna look. But it’s hard not to. My wife’s Jewish. Right? So the baby starts coming out. I saw the head. I saw jet black hair. I’m like, “Babe, I think the Italian penetrated the Jew. I think– [laughter] I think we got an Italian Catholic baby. A little ear came out. That’s when I lost it. As soon as I saw my daughter’s ear come out, I’m like, “Babe, I can’t believe it. This is unbelievable.” And then more head started to come. And then more head. Now I’m like, “What the hell… is wrong… [laughter] …with the head?” [laughter] Nobody told me it comes out like a football. So I’m… [laughter] My wife’s like, “Is she cute?” I’m like, “She’s gonna have some problems in school with the other kids. [laughter] Did you save the receipts for the hats that we bought? They’re not gonna fit on this cone. It’s all fucked up down here. I don’t know what’s going on. Nobody told us. [laughter]

And it’s– it’s unbelievable to see the actual birth, because they bring the baby out, they bring it out, and then no one told me a bunch of other stuff… [laughter] Just– I got hit in the head with placenta. [laughter] Now we’re in a state of euphoria. I’m like, “Babe, I can’t believe it! We’ve got a daughter, babe!” She’s like, “Go look at her.” So I go to look at her, right, and the doctor is like, “You want to cut the umbilical cord? I’m like, “Again, nobody to do this? [laughter] Isn’t this an important job? And I’m gonna do it with placenta dripping into my eyeball? I mean, it looks like calamari, it shouldn’t be an issue, but… [laughter] Nobody could do this?” [laughter] So then they take the baby back to my wife, and right away, my baby starts breastfeeding, and my wife starts producing milk, right? The other nipple is just shooting… whole milk on the other side of my face. I got placenta, I got milk, I felt like I came out of the canal. I’m– [laughter]

Now, there’s a moment that you don’t even feel like you’re involved, because the baby’s in on the mother… I’ve got nothing to offer. [laughter] You know? But it hits me, I’m a father. I got responsibility now. We go back to the recovery room and people start coming in, like nurses, and here’s where all the people start coming in. Now, I feel a sense that I have to protect. I feel like a lion in the Serengeti. [laughter] Shedding off predators. [laughter] First woman comes in, she’s like, “Hi, congratulations. I’m here to test your daughter’s hearing.” And my wife’s like, “Oh, yeah, come on in.” I said, “What are you talking about, hearing?” She’s two hours old. What is my daughter gonna do? [laughter] Oh, yeah. [laughter] [mouthing] Wow. That’s loud. Can you turn it down? Turn it down. Turn it down. [laughter] Thank you.

I’m always very skeptical about what people want, right? Another woman came in, had a big screen TV. She’s like, “We took some beautiful photographs of your daughter, Serafina. Now, for $29.95, you get a glossy 8×10 with a flash drive. I said, “Listen, could you send a link or something? We’re in no condition to be looking at photos. My– my wife’s nipples are bleeding and black tar is coming out of her vagina. Could you come back? I mean, is this the right time? [laughter] We’re gonna need some towels over here and a mop shortly. Because what I’m looking at looks damaged, and I don’t know if we could have a second child based on what I’m looking at. You got a block of ice she could rest this on? [laughter] We’ll look at the pictures next month, but this don’t look normal.” [laughter] My wife looks like somebody threw her out of an airplane. What? [laughter]

Now, I was dealing with the whole, you know, we got a Jewish baby. My side– my side was like, “What are you gonna do?” [laughter] How are you gonna raise the baby? What are you gonna do? No Christmas? You’re not gonna have a tree?” [laughter] A lot of people deal with this, “Well, you know, her family is more religious than us.” [laughter] So, I’m trying to figure out how I could appease my family. Okay? So, here the woman comes in for the bath. She’s like, “We’re here… to have your daughter, Serafina, for her first bath. I said, “Oh, okay.” I go, “Babe, we’re gonna go.” She goes, “Oh, no, no, no. One parent. Only one parent.” I said, “Okay. Babe, take care of the tar, let me go find out… [laughter] …what’s happening with bath time.” Now, I thought there was gonna be a beautiful porcelain tub. Some candles, dimly-lit, a little Kenny G playing. [laughter] And then it hit me. I was gonna try and sneak a baptism… into the bath. [laughter] I figure if I went to the death floor and found a priest giving last rites, I’ll ask him, “Do you want to come up to Five and baptize the Jewish baby so my mother and father get off my back?” [laughter]

So, now we take the baby home. Nobody tells you nothing. We’re just gonna figure it out. One month in, baby starts crying. It’s a cry we’ve never heard before. And we do everything as a duet, me and my wife. If the baby’s crying, we get up as a… Feed, we feed together. Everything is a duet. This is not how my father and mother worked it. [laughter] If I was crying, my father, “Go get it! I gotta work!” [laughter] “Do you want to kiss the ba…?” “I don’t want to kiss it! I gotta go to work!” [laughter] But now, 2018, everything’s a couple. We share the duties. [laughter] So, my wife checks the baby. She’s like, “She got a stuffed up nose. Now, babies can’t blow their own nose. I didn’t know this. [laughter] I thought they just… [sneezes] and then, you know… sneeze and shit came out. I’m like, I didn’t know that we had to assist in this. My wife gives me this apparatus. It’s like a bullet you put in the nostril and there’s a hose attached, and you’re at the other end. And I go, “Babe, you want me to… You want me to suck the snot out of her nose and then swallow that? I’ll do it, if that’s what this requires, but shouldn’t we read the box or Google it? I–” [laughter] So, here I am, 3:00 a.m., in my underwear… [laughter] …with the tube up my daughter… [sucking] [laughter] My wife’s like, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “There’s supposed to be a filter.” I go, “There’s no filter. I-I got it… [laughter] I got it right here. I got it right here.” [laughter] Like, who would have known that this would have been it. I mean… I was going back to bed with my wife. I go, “Nine years ago, if I had told you I was gonna be sucking snot out of our daughter’s nose in my underwear, with my left nut hanging out, would you… have still done it? [laughter]

My wife loves to dress my daughter up. Man, the outfits. I like a onesie. [laughter] It’s easy. Lay the baby in the onesie, tuck the feet in… [laughter] My wife, she’s putting everything… She’s putting skirts, nylons… Babushka. [laughter] You ever dress a baby? My wife told me, “Could you dress her? I’m gonna shower.” I said, “Yeah, no problem.” Shes like, “The clothes are out on the– on the couch. You could dress her.” So as soon as I see the outfit, I get nervous. Did you ever dress an infant? They have no core. So, it’s… [laughter]

It’s all good. It’s all good, though. Can’t do a lot, though. I mean… My wife loves to do, like, um… Scuba diving, that’s her big thing. Loves to scuba dive. And I don’t do anything where there’s like a safety briefing prior to the activity. [laughter] I don’t want to do anything out of my wheelhouse. First of all, I don’t even know how to swim. I missed that whole thing growing up. [laughter] My grandparents watched us during the week. Now, I had grandparents that lived 52 years in the United States. Not one word of English, nothing. [laughter] And I didn’t speak Italian, so when they watched me, there was a lot of charades, there was a lot of… [laughter] Just a lot of guessing. I just– I just knew they were upset about their health and the way they were feeling. [laughter]

My grandfather never finished a sentence. He would bust out of the bathroom, and he looked right at me and goes… [speaks indistinctly] [laughter] “I’m sorry, Grandpa. What did you– What did you say?” [speaks indistinctly in Italian] [laughter] “What?” [speaks indistinctly in Italian] “…piss on the floor. The floor… To the right… to the left…” [speaks indistinctly in Italian] [laughter] So, we’re not going to swim class today, Grandpa? I-I-I don’t understand. [laughter] Because we need a letter that states why we did not attend, and from what I’m gathering, your dick is crooked and you’re pissing all over the floor. I don’t even know if they’re gonna accept that excuse on a pizzeria napkin that I wrote because you don’t know the language. [laughter]

My grandmother had arthritis everywhere, the poor woman. She could barely walk. You could hear her walk from the refrigerator to the sink. From across the house you would hear… [speaks indistinctly in Italian] [laughter] [cheering and applause] So now… I don’t know how to swim. [laughter]

I didn’t grow up with this type of environment like a lot of American families, you know. When– when the school sent something home, your parents signed it, and that gave you permission to do the field trip or whatever. Right? That didn’t happen in my house. I would come to the school and my whole class wasn’t there. They went to Washington DC… [laughter] …to look at the White House. I’m like, “Where is everybody?” [laughter] They’re like, “Your parents never handed in the permission slip. So… …you, Javier, and Athenos… [laughter] …are gonna be in the lunch room for three days… [laughter] …writing a paper about how immigrant parents don’t sign permission slips.” [laughter]

Sorry. I don’t want to scuba dive. I think something’s gonna happen if I do that. Right? I’m fearful. If I jump in… …something’s gonna go wrong that they’ve never seen on the boat before. [laughter] There’s gonna be something… [popping sound] “Oh, my God. Tony, have we got another hose?” “No. I thought you brought it.” “No, I didn’t bring it.” And I’m gonna be 400 feet. [laughter] “Bring me up! [laughter] I’m bleeding out of my ears. I knew I shouldn’t have done it.” [laughter]

My wife grew up in Florida. You know, she grew up on the ocean. So she wants to, like, jet ski or waverun. We rented a WaveRunner once. We just– we got one. She drove and I sat in the “bitch seat”. [laughter] Then a guy comes out, and I’ve got to listen to the guy’s instructions. My wife don’t listen, she’s got no attention span. I’ve got to hone in on the guy. The guy’s like, “Here’s your life vest, man. Put that on.” I said, “Listen, you’ve got to put it on. I can’t put this on. I’m gonna put it on, I’m gonna miss a buckle. The shit’s gonna fly off. You’ve got to do it.” [laughter] He’s like, “Here’s your mouthpiece.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, we could lose our teeth?” [laughter] I look at my wife, she’s got nothing on. I said, “Put on your mouthpiece! [laughter] Put on your mouthpiece. Put on your mouthpiece. We could lose our teeth on this.” [laughter] So there’s four other people that rented WaveRunners. Now the guy’s got to come out and give us the whole spiel. He’s like, “All right, listen, there’s– there’s orange buoys all over the ocean. It’s giving you the perimeter of where you can and cannot go. Now, on the southeast side of the ocean, we spotted some sharks earlier this morning. Stay away from the southeast side.” Now, me, I don’t know southeast. North… I don’t know any of that shit. If you told me right now, what way… I have no idea. I don’t know the compass. [laughter] And I don’t ask, too. If I don’t know something, I don’t ask. If we’re in mixed company, I just– I just ask my wife. -“You know where southeast is?” -“No.” “Okay, we’re gonna get eaten by sharks tonight. Okay? Let’s go. We’re gonna get eaten by sharks because I don’t want to ask the guy, embarrass myself in front of eight people I don’t know because I didn’t pay attention in fifth grade.” [laughter] This guy’s in the middle of his speech. He’s like, “All right, on the north side…” And my wife guns it. She don’t even listen. She’s like… I’m like, “Oh, my God, babe. Go back. Go back. [laughter] It’s rough water, babe. Go back. Slow down, babe. I’m paralyzed, babe. I can’t feel nothing. [laughter] My shoulders are numb, my fingertips. I can’t… I can’t feel nothing, babe. Go back. I’m bleeding, babe, out of my mouth. I– The blood is pooling in my mouthpiece. [laughter] My dick’s in your ass, babe. Get it out. This is– This is a family-friendly beach. [laughter] It’s a family-friendly beach, babe.” [laughter] She just doesn’t know. [laughs]

Now… We spent some time at the beach. By the time we left, it was dark. ‘Cause we hit a friend’s house on the way home. And we were in my wife’s car. My wife’s car never got gas. [laughter] Every time I get in, I go, “What the f…” [laughter] -I go, “I gotta get–” -“We can make it.” “No, we’ve got four miles left. We’ve got 28 to go. Just do the math.” [laughter] We had to pull over at night at a gas station. My biggest fear, getting murdered… [laughter] …at a gas station, pumping gas. Because we all have our gas stations that we go to. It’s your primary one. You go there and that’s your one. But when you go… out of your neighborhood and you got to pull into some weird one at midnight. Like, when you leave here tonight, if you’re low on gas, you pull into a weird neighborhood you don’t know, you’ve got to be on high alert. [laughter] As soon as you get out of the car, you’ve got to… ask yourself where’s the murder coming from tonight. [laughter] You never give yourself a full tank at night. You give yourself just enough. Two dollars, couple squirts… Let’s keep this thing going. [laughter] Now, this one we pulled in… the credit card machine didn’t work. So, now I’ve got to go in that… that death hut. [laughter] That little mini-mart. You ever go into a mini-mart at midnight? It’s a pit stop for criminals. [laughter] They– they commit crime, and then they stop off to grab a Slurpee… [laughter] …on their way home. [laughter] So, my wife’s in the car. She has no idea the scenario I have created outside the vehicle. [laughter] Now, through the open window, I said to my wife, “Hey. Listen up. [laughter] Dial 911 on that phone. Put your thumb on ‘Send’. Hop in the driver’s seat. Roll all the windows down. If you see me sprint out of the mini-mart, gun it, and I’ll dive in the car.” She’s like, “Oh, my God. What’s…? [laughter] What’s going on?” “I said, ‘I’m going in the mini-mart.’ [laughter] It’s midnight. I could get murdered at any minute out here and you’re playing Words with Friends? Shut it down.” [laughter] You ever approach that– that thing? You don’t even know if it’s open half of the time. You get out of the car and you stop in your tracks. You’re like, “Is this place open?” You’re just looking for a head, something. Somebody taking a Dorito bag, any sign of life in there. [laughter] Then you open the door. You’re sometimes even surprised it opened. [laughter] The floor is always wet. Why is the floor drenched at a gas station at midnight? Are they mopping up from the last murder? Why… [laughter] …is it wet? [laughter] Now, I walk in, right? Stand in line, looking around. For those of you who do Krav Maga, it’s called situational awareness. You look at everything in front of you, trying to figure out what’s happening. Nonverbals. There’s always a guy by the Gatorades, just kind of looking at a Gatorade. [laughter] I’m waiting for him to just reload. [laughter] I’m not getting murdered… at a gas station. I keep to myself. [laughter]

I was at home a couple months ago, talking to my father about, like, all this stuff, right? And my father had a bunch of mail on the table. Seventy-two years old, the US Mail becomes the focal point of my father’s day. Just everything in just stacks. You ever look at your parents’ mail? I looked at one piece of mail. It said his name. It said, “Salvatore None Maniscalco.” I said, “Dad, what is this?” He goes, “Yeah, on the application, they asked me for my middle name. I put ‘None’.” [laughter] “What? [laughter] What did you do?” [laughter] He wanted to come over and help me with the… there was a construction job, right? But my dad doesn’t know, you know, I got like a contractor that I got doing this stuff. He’s like, “I’ll come and help you.” I go, “Dad, that’s all right, you know. You forget, you’re 72. What are you gonna do?” I wish I– I wish I knew how to do it. There’s guys in here that know how to build. I’ve got buddies like this. They build, like, a deck on the weekend. [laughter] You go to their house and they’re always like: -“You want to see the deck I built?” -“You built a deck? When?” “Today.” “Today? I took a nap. You built a whole deck?” [laughter] You know guys like this, flatbed F-150? [laughter] Sawdust. Got a shed in the back. Out of wood. I don’t– I don’t do any of this. I gotta hire– I gotta hire a contractor. And this guy could tell me anything, I’d believe him. Every morning he comes down, it’s a different thing. He’s like, “Sebastian, can I talk to you for a second? In my 38 years of contracting, I’ve never seen anything like this. [laughter] The wall, see? It’s a wall. The wall. There’s– There’s a bend in the wall. Come on. Feel it, feel the bend.” Like an idiot, I’m like, “Okay, I’ll feel the bend.” [laughter] -“I don’t really feel it.” -“Well, it’s there. We can leave it. It’s entirely up to you. We can leave this wall as is. But when you’re watching the game on Sunday, the house could fall down on your family. [laughter] You tell me.” [laughter]

You ever get a contractor to work at your house? They’ll do the job… They start it, they get a bigger job. Now they pull their whole crew, they work the bigger job, bigger money. Now, you’re sitting there. Nobody. I got no floor, no ceiling. Nothing. [laughter] They send one guy. After five days, one guy comes strolling in. Relaxed, right? He comes strolling in. “Hey.” -“So, where is everybody?” -“I don’t know. I’m here to sweep from side to side. [laughter] Dan told me there’s a lot of dust. I got to sweep it.” [laughter] “I’ve got– I’ve no floor. I– [laughter] What are you guys gonna do here with the floor?” “Oh, with the floor? He told me… [mutters indistinctly] [laughter] He told me he’s gonna put the chingadera on the side… the chingadera. [laughter] What do you know?” I go, “Chingadera”, I’ve never even seen that… [laughter] …in the architectural drawing. I don’t know what you’re talking about. “No, he told me to put the chingadera on the side and tighten it. You know? But I don’t have it, ’cause I don’t got my truck, I got my Ford Festiva. You– You got to go to Home Depot. Eh… [laughter] You gotta go to Home Depot.” [laughter] You ever go to Home Depot? Man, that store… I don’t– I don’t fit in. I don’t even have the wardrobe to walk in there. That’s a lot of brown, beige, boots. Pencil tucked behind the ear, tape measures hanging… Everybody’s measuring… at Home Depot. [laughter] “How much you need? A quarter-eighth of an inch?” [laughter] I don’t know nothing over there. I gotta ask questions. I found a woman that worked there. I’m like, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, to bother you, but, uh, I’ve been here for two hours. I’m, uh… I’m looking for a chingadera for the side.” [laughter] “No, he told me it was a chingadera for the side. You don’t have that here?”

You guys have been great. This has been… [cheering and applause] …one fantastic evening. Thank you so… so much, New York City. Thank you up there… in the three tiers. Thank you.

[instrumental music plays]


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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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