Sarah Silverman: Saturday Night Live Monologue – SEASON 40 | EPISODE 2 | 10/04/2014 – Transcript

Saturday Night Live alum Sarah Silverman returns as host and talks to her younger self. This is the full transcript of her monologue.

Sarah Silverman’s Monologue

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sarah Silverman!

Sarah Silverman: Thank you so much! Wow… it is SO crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Um… [she pauses] I meean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says that it’s so crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m a pretty big comedian… It kinda makes ALL the sense in the world!

Uh… tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, and, uh… [a lone audience member claps] Thank you…? [she winces] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there: I promise you, God will mind if you wear a nice cotten blend in the summer. You are being ridiculous!

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, um… I guess I’m know as a “blue” comedian, which is… I find that annoying, it kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as a… as an IMPORTANT comedian. Anyway, because of this, uh, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after Dress Rehearsal. Like here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Wally?

[cut to Wally holding up a cue card with everything blacked out except for “Black Guy” and “God’s Mouth”]

Yeah! Guys, it was such a cute joke! It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing REALLY hard at it during Dress, like almost too hard at it.

Screw it. Can I just, um… [she looks around] Is there like a handheld mike, or a…? [a microphone is handed to her] Oh! Thank you. Let’s get real! Come on! This is live television! Let’s go among the people! [she approaches a young woman] How are you? Can I sit in your lap? [she sits in the woman’s lap] Ohhhh… this feels nice! What is your name?

Lindsey: It’s Lindsey.

Sarah Silverman: It’s Lindsey?

Lindsey: Mmm-hmm.

Sarah Silverman: Oh, um, I’m Sarah.

Lindsey: Hi!

Sarah Silverman: You know that. Uh, Lindsey, I want to tell you something that’s really important: You’re beautiful… and you… deserve love… and… I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any schmo on the street. Um… and I love you.

Lindsey: [she chokes] Thank you…!

Sarah Silverman: Your turn.

Lindsey: [laughing] You’re amazing?

Sarah Silverman: Aww.

Lindsey: And you’re beautiful.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww!

Lindsey: And you’re smart! [she laughs]

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.

Lindsey: [laughing] You’re my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! [she pushes the microphone closer to Lindsey’s face] You know what it is, Lindsey, it’s like… I get sad sometimes. Like, I feel like… it’s over… In terms of like I’m never gonna be carried again. You know what I mean? Like, we’re grown-ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parents’ party and overhear adults going like: [whispering] “I got her.” “No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. Amd it makes me sad. It’s like, I want to be carried. I want to be… bathed and cared for. I want to get my hair shampooed, you know, like a… like a little child or a princess, or… a quadraplegic, I guess. Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. [glancing down] Am I sitting on your phone?

Lindsey: No. No, you’re good!

Sarah Silverman: [grimaces] Oh… I want to think of an app! Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million-dollar app? Let’s think of that million-dollar app! God… I was thinking, like an hour ago, wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you when all of your friends were taking a doody? I was pretty excited. I would pay ninety-nine cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. It’s like… I think it’s called “Words With Friends”? How old are you?

Lindsey: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Ohh, you’re 32! You’re only little, you don’t know nothin’. Here’s some advice: If you’re ever drunk at a party, and you throw up at a party… I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like… a “Ta-daaa!” Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [she hands the microphone to Lindesey] You can have that. You can have that!

[Sarah returns to the stage, as the crowd applauds wildly]

Sarah Silverman: Ohhh, God… this feels so right! I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean, this is the first time I’ve hosted, but I have been on this stage before. I, um… I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90’s, and… I wasn’t in much, but a lot of times I’d mostly be, like, a “plant” in the audience, you know, asking fake questions to the host during the monologue, and, uh… [she looks into the audience] Yes, you — you have a question?

[cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Rosie O’Donnell’s monologue]

Young Sarah Silverman: I think you’re great! I love you!

Sarah Silverman: [touched] Awwwww! I love you MORE! Alright, you have a question for me, sweetie?

Young Sarah Silverman: Are you going to be doing any solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?

Sarah Silverman: GREAT question! You know, um… I left Wilson Phillips because I felt it really wasn’t my thing any more, and, uh, I’m not sure about a solo album, though the album of my stand-up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [the audience applauds, as she looks into the audience again] Oh — yes?

[cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Jeff Golblum’s monologue]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh — What did you feed the dinosaurs?

Sarah Silverman: Uh… [she laughs] What is this, Pretty Girl in the Audience Night? It’s crazy! Um… of course, the stegosauruses are the worst, they only eat plants. But the T-Rexes are carnivores — they’d be more inclined to eat you, ’cause you’re delicious! Let’s take a… [she points into the audience] Yes, you, Sparkleface over here.

[cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Nancy Kerrigan’s monologue]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh… what makes the human knee bend?

Sarah Silverman: Okay. Um… Well, the knee is technically a joint, where the tibia and femur meet. Right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisky. I hope that helps, and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next twenty years. I have a feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say: “We have got a GREAT show for you tonight! ALL of Maroon 5 is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!”


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