In this stand-up comedy show, Sammy Obeid reflects on his unexpected realization that he might not align with the traditional definition of a liberal, humorously questioning political and social identities. Drawing from his experiences at UC Berkeley, known for its progressive stance, he jests about the impact of his education on his worldview. Obeid humorously navigates through topics like race, political correctness, and his Palestinian-American heritage, using comedy as a tool to dissect the complexities of these subjects. He also delves into the nature of comedy itself, suggesting that feeling offended is a natural human reaction and criticizing the prevailing cancel culture and the pressures on comedians to challenge societal norms. Concluding his routine, Obeid muses on personal growth and the transformative power of comedy to tackle serious issues while maintaining a humorous and self-deprecating approach.
Recorded on February 2, 2022
Premiered on YouTube, July 8, 2022
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Recently, I discovered that I’m not a liberal.
What?
Yeah, I didn’t know. I thought I was liberal my whole life, and then I looked up the definition and realized I need to check definitions first before saying that I’m something. Anybody here identify as a liberal? Okay, a couple of people. After knowing you’re walking into this joke, uh, this blew my mind. This is the definition of liberal: a liberal is somebody who accepts and respects behavior and points of view different from yours. Do you know anybody fucking like that? One person. The last one we had was Jesus, and we killed him. Luther King, and we killed him. We’re just killing all the good liberals. Why are we killing all the liberals, man? Every liberal I know thinks they’re smarter than at least one person, right? You can’t be accepting of others and superior to them at the same time. We need to change that name from liberal to bigots who believe in global warming. Okay?
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
Hello, I don’t know if you can tell, but we got like 10 cameras tonight, just in case nine of them fail. Uh, this is my second comedy special. Um, yeah, my first one was also here, and I know somebody’s gonna be like, “Why’d you do it again here?” Because this is the only place where people will come, so, um, so we’re doing it here.
I was getting into a really heated debate about, uh, race with my friend, uh, because it was 9 a.m., and my friend hit me with the classic, you know, “Sammy, I don’t see color.” I was like, “That’s crazy because I don’t hear sound. I don’t smell smells. I don’t taste food. I have COVID, is what I’m saying. I have COVID. That’s how you know I’m not racist. COVID down took all my senses.
I know COVID is a dark topic and people have lost their lives, but maybe that’s why COVID was put on this planet, to take away all our discerning senses so we can stop being fucking bigots to each other, you know what I mean? You can’t hate someone you can’t smell, you know.
You can probably tell by my first two jokes that I went to school at UC Berkeley. Yeah, yeah, go Bears. I graduated UC Berkeley. That just means I get offended at everything. Don’t fucking test me, I’ll cry right here and prove my point. There’s a nickname they give people who went to Berkeley. They call us pussies. Uh, yeah, I thought it was “Go Bears.” Apparently, it’s “Go Pussies.” If you look at our mascot up close, it’s just a bear going “rear.”
It’s international, too. I went to France. I told the guy he’s like, “Oh, you went to Berkeley. You’re a pussy.” Like, that’s not nice. Didn’t know how deep this pussy snub goes, but Berkeley, we do serve a function in society. We’re here to show you where the line could be. You know, we always have social issues and people like, “Where’s the line?” Berkeley is like, “It’s over here. It’s definitely not over there. It’s definitely not over there.” Thank you, Berkeley, for letting us know that it’s not over there.
For instance, two years ago, the city of Berkeley unanimously voted to change the name of manholes to gender-neutral maintenance holes. That was us, baby. That was us. You’re welcome, society. Gender-neutral maintenance holes. Take notes. You thought you were cool because you’re neutral restroom signs. We brought equality to the source, okay? That’s Berkeley. We’re different. Yeah, and nowadays, society thinks they’re all cool because they’re woke, right? But who do you think taught you that shit? Berkeley was woke before people were woke to woke, dude. Berkeley don’t bend woke. We woke up like this.
Yeah, and of course, Berkeley always receives the same critique: “Oh, you guys embrace all points of view, except conservative.” That’s not true. Berkeley has Republicans. They’re just, like, different, you know? Our Republicans are like Alaska Native Republicans, you know, or like trans-Republicans, like, “Hi, I’m a Berkeley Republican. I believe in low taxes and I identify as ooh-la-la.” That’s pretty cool.
We have computer science majors who are non-binary, programming in binary code. Okay, we are different.
I told the guy I went to Berkeley, he’s like, “Oh, you went to Berkeley. You must like safe spaces.” That one hurt, right here, because like, I do, you know? Like, who doesn’t like a safe space? I love safe spaces, like, I like my bed with no spikes, you know? I like to eat when no mountain lions are around. Who else? Who doesn’t like safety? So, I had to tell that guy, I was like, “Yo, dude, what you’re doing is called negative association,” which I actually learned in a Berkeley philosophy class. I was like, “You’re taking what you know about safe spaces and what you know about people who go to Berkeley and you’re linking the two under a logical fallacy, and you are wrong, my friend.” Dropped my number two pencil, walked out of there, and he was like, “Whatever, pussy.”
And I went home and I looked it up, and Berkeley did invent the safe space in 1968. Damn it! How did this guy know? Berkeley had the first safe space in 1968 during the Free Speech Movement, and you know what the purpose of that safe space was? The safe space was so that people could have an area where they could save whatever they wanted and be protected under the First Amendment. Does that sound like a pussy thing, or is that the most badass American thing you ever heard? Okay?
So I was scrolling this list of Berkeley’s inventions and crying, and I discovered that Berkeley invented some profound stuff that changed humanity that I’m now just gonna take some credit for even though I had nothing to do with it. So, here’s Berkeley’s list of badass pussy inventions, okay?
Number one: The flu vaccine was not invented at Berkeley, but the guy who invented it had his lab at Berkeley after inventing it, where he popped some champagne and did some experimental stuff that revolutionized the landscape of vaccine technology today. And I don’t know if you guys, you know, pay attention to the news, but vaccines… pretty fucking popular right now. You know what I mean? And yeah, vaccines are kind of a pussy invention if you think about it. It’s like, “I don’t want to get sick, poke.” You know? Yeah, so you’re welcome for your parents still being alive, or sorry, depending on how you feel about them. But…
Uh, Berkeley invented the wetsuit. Yeah, anybody here surf? Yeah, you’re welcome for the warmth, pussy. Before us, people were just jumping in the water and dying of hypothermia, and then someone from Berkeley was like, “Oh, you don’t like being chilly, do you? You probably want to put on some spandex so when you pee on your thigh, it gets warm, like, gnarly, dude.”
Berkeley invented the world’s first no-fault divorce law. Yeah, before that, it was always your fault divorce. People couldn’t see their kids without giving up their left kidney, and then someone from Berkeley was like, “Oh, someone doesn’t want to lose half their shit.” And now, thanks to Berkeley, you can be friends with all your exes, like Drake.
Uh, next invention, um, the atom bomb. No one ever claps for that, for some reason. Um, guess we’re in the wrong state. The atom bomb was invented by the Manhattan Project, which couldn’t have been possible without two critical papers, one from the University of Chicago and the other one from the University of pussy California, Berkeley. That was us, that was us. Of course, the atom bomb is a pussy invention, right? It’s like, “Hey, country I don’t like, am I going to fight? Nope, just going to press this button.” That was us, dude. And I get it, nobody’s going to go crazy for the atom bomb, but you do know the atom bomb is what makes America fucking America, dude.
Like, who remembers two years ago when we were about to go to World War III with Iran? Remember that? The good part of 2020, right at the beginning, like, if Trump says one more fucking thing, we’re all gone. Does anybody remember right now with Russia and Ukraine, or like, if Biden reads that teleprompter wrong, we’re gone! Dude, the United States has been on the brink of World War III every year since 1945, but not one person in this room is scared. You’ve never flinched even once because you know we’re fucking America, dude. Why? Because we’re number one, bro. Why are you number one? Because we got the biggest, most powerful nuclear artillery in the world, brother. We got the longest, most phallic-looking warheads, dude, ready to penetrate any thirsty country who wants some. And we got the biggest nuclear button, dude. Yeah, it’s like eight inches erect, it’s earthy, it’s hard as a math problem, just like, “Press me, daddy. Press me, press me, daddy. Press me.” You take those big ol’ American fingers swooping down like a bald eagle and boom! Giving the world multiple nuclear orgasms. And you get a climax, and you get a climax, and you get a climax, and you get a climax. Thanks to those fucking pussies in Berkeley, turned America into a goddamn safe space. You’re welcome for the vaccines, you pussies.
Really, I’ve been called a pussy my whole life. Growing up, everybody would call me a pussy, and you know what? I like it. I fucking love being called a pussy, dude. Pussy is the best thing on the planet. It’s the most sought-after resource known to humankind. It’s strong, it’s durable, it’s temperature modulated. It’s the thing people have done the most extreme shit for that they should regret, but they don’t because they did it for the pussy, you know what I’m saying? It’s the source of all life. We all came from a pussy. It’s technically a gender-neutral maintenance hole. We all slid out a pussy. Man, it’s the first thing you tasted when you entered this planet. Oh, swallow it. This is facts. This is a clean joke. You’re making it dirty in your head. That’s your bad. I love being called a pussy. You call me a pussy, I get wet, dude.
Yeah, yeah, I got a dry sense of humor. I’m a dry-ass pussy, okay? I’m a DAP. Yeah, I’m pretty smart. I’m a smart-ass pussy. I’m a SAP. Okay, I’m a smart Lebanese ass pussy. I’m a SLAP. You get me? I’m a proud ass pussy who likes bagels. I’m a PAP smear. That’s my last one. Read my labias. I’m pussy and proud, and if you got a problem with that, you can beat this pussy.
[Applause]
I just said pussy 50 times. Some of you are uncomfortable. I can sense it. You feel like that word’s dirty or something like that. You always have male comics up here talking about their dicks. Why not just, you know, flip it for a minute, right? Because it is the year of the tiger, and what is the tiger but the biggest pussy of them all? Nobody rolls up to a tiger like, “Hey, tiger, you’re such a pussy.” Tiger just mauls your ass right there. Just gives you whiplash. Pap! Now you’re pussy-whipped. 2022 is the year of the pussy. It’s my year. Rare. That’s how the tiger sounds, right? Rare. I think that’s how a tiger sounds.
This guy’s not laughing at all. Fuck that shit, man. Not liking these pussy jokes.
Math jokes!
Math jokes? Fuck that. We’re not there yet, bro. Gotta go in order, my dog…
Actually, I mean, I have gotten shit for this joke already. A woman in the audience one time was like, “You’re mansplaining pussy to us.” First of all, you’re assuming I identify as a man. I don’t. I identify as OOH LA LA. Secondly, I would never pretend to understand what a woman goes through, but I’ll tell you this much: you may have a pussy, but you’ve never been called one like I have, okay? This is my term right now. Let me have my moment. Yeah, I’m a clean comic, by the way. Um, this has all been clean material. I know, I don’t even say the word masturbation. I don’t. I don’t like the word masturbation. It just sounds too formal. I don’t say masturbating. I say listening to Jack Johnson. Way better, dude. Way better. That’s a dick joke by a pussy.
Yes, I majored in applied mathematics. That’s why I do stand-up comedy now, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Look, I’m not the best mathematician in the world. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be doing comedy. And I’m not the best comedian in the world because, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. It’s no slight to you. I just wouldn’t be most places, if you think about it statistically. Not the best mathematician. I’m not the best comedian, but if you take the weighted average, I’m the best fucking math comic out there, baby. I’m not going to make you laugh the hardest, and I’m not the quickest to solve problems, but if you set a maximization equation across both of those parameters and you look at the curve, I’m the fucking apex, biatch. Yeah, and I assure you, I’m the only comedian with that punchline in history. I’m the fucking apex, biatch. Yeah. I say biatch. I don’t say the B word anymore because I know people do find that offensive. I say biatch because it’s clean. It’s one letter away from Biotech. We’re fine. That’s science, biatch!
So, math major turned comedian. I don’t really know how I’m helping the world. Uh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as a math major turned comedian, other than share the gems that I think of in the middle of the night. Like, this morning, I woke up in a cold sweat like, “Oh my God. Pete Davidson was only eight years old when Kim’s sex tape came out.” Back to sleep.
You’re welcome, society. Took a Berkeley degree to write that. When I studied math, I made sure not to go too deep into the math world because if you learn too much math, you can’t talk to people anymore. So, I had to cut myself off. So, for instance, when I learned pi, I stopped myself at 10 digits. Yeah, yeah. Because I actually discovered a formula when I was at Berkeley that for every extra digit of pi you learn, that’s one year your virginity is delayed. So, I had to cut myself off at 10. I could actually prove this theorem right now. I can prove it. You guys want a mathematical proof? We learn pie geometry sophomore year when most of us are about 15 years old. Hormones are raging. If you can’t even learn a single digit of pie, you don’t even remember that it starts with a three. When you’re 15 years old, it’s because you’re already having sex. That’s the only possible reason. This guy knows what I’m talking about, okay? But the average person learns three digits of pie. The average person knows it’s 3.14. Congratulations, you’re average. And what’s your reward for being average? You get to lose your virginity at the average age of 18. Okay, you already noticed a linear trend here. We got 15 plus 3 equals 18, right? I know you don’t come to comedy shows to do math, but when you watch my set, you ain’t got no fucking choice, okay?
Now, if you’re learning more than three digits of pi, you’re losing your virginity in college. There’s no way. There’s no one that’s seen your problem who’s like, “Three went four one five.” Like, you’re going home, bro. It’s not happening tonight. If you learn more than seven, Master’s. Okay? If you learn more than 10, PhD. I have a friend who knows 100 digits of pi. Still a virgin, okay? Now, I… I learned 10 digits of pi like a badass, okay? So, I lost my virginity at… Plug it into the formula: 15 plus 10 equals 20 fucking five. Not 27, bro. 10 plus 15 is 25, my friend. You added an extra two. What kind of loose do you think I am, bro? 25, not 27. 27, I’d be off my family’s health insurance at that point, bro. I’m not an idiot. So, I lost my virginity at… Plug it into the formula: 15 plus 10 equals 20 fucking five. Who’s the pussy now?
25 is the best age to lose your virginity. I lost my virginity in a rental car that I rented myself, okay? [Applause]
You thought you were boss because you lost in mommy civic. I declined insurance on a Hertz, biatch! They cleaned up the mess. I just walked away like a champ. Three one four one five nine two six five three one four one five nine two six five. It’s actually a phone number in St. Louis. I text it every day. Still no response. Isn’t that crazy? Somebody in Missouri has the phone number of pi, but they’re in Missouri, so they have no idea.
You wanted the math jokes. Not even paying attention, man. What the fuck, dude? Requesting shit. Not a jukebox up here, dude.
So, yes, I’m a comedian now. And I recently got the most interesting compliment I’ve ever got in comedy. After a show, a guy comes up to me, and he was drunk. I knew he was drunk because he was angled backwards at like 35 degrees, and he just walked out to me. He’s like, “Carlin, Pryor, Chappelle, you’re right up here with them, brother.” And I was like, “Oh, that’s so awesome. Thank you so much. This was just a 15-minute set. You should come see my full hour.” He’s like, “No, this was enough,” and then he walked away. That’s where I’m at in comedy right now. You’re here for a special moment.
Um, I am an American comedian. I’m Palestinian-American. Thank you so much. I’m openly Palestinian. I was closeted for 30 years and then finally came out last year with the hadiths because they made Twitter a safe space, and I love safe spaces. Americans still don’t know a lot about Palestinians, and I guess it makes sense because there hasn’t been too many famous ones in history. And I guess the ones who are famous, people just don’t know who they are. Um, famous Palestinians: Yasser Arafat and Jesus. Who are those guys? Oh, and DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled is ours. DJ Khaled is ours. Isn’t that crazy? Those are the two most famous Palestinians in history. Jesus and DJ Khaled. They’re very similar. Jesus didn’t need a college when you think about it. In fact, when they came out with the New Testament, they were like, “Another one. We’re the best, baby. Christians. We don’t pass.”
People always ask me, “What is it that the Palestinians want?” And I’ll tell you right now, it’s very simple. They want the right of return to their homeland that many of them left circa 1948. It’s called right of return. Those are the only three words you need to know. And there’s one country blocking it from happening, and it happens to be the country we’re in. The country that I love, the country that took my virginity, bless you. The country that my school protected with the nukes is the one vetoing Palestine from being recognized and not having the right of return to their homeland. And it’s hard to make jokes about this. It’s conflicting. I put one on YouTube. I said, “Of course, the United States is not going to support Palestinian right of return because if we did, we’d suddenly owe Native Americans a country, right?” Joke did about the same on YouTube. Of course, a lot of angry people commenting. One guy was fuming. He was… He wrote in all caps. Uh, either he was angry or his caps lock button was broken. I admit, it could be either situation. Sees my right of return video and he comments, “I hope you go back to where you came from.” I was like, “This guy gets it.”
[Laughter]
[Applause]
All right. Being Palestinian-American, less of an identity, more of an identity crisis. My dad was born a few hours out of Jerusalem. My mom was born in Utah. So, both places where Jesus got resurrected. Now, my great-grandma was born in Bethlehem, and I tell people this, they’re like, “Oh, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s the one. She was Amish. She grew up in the Holy Land next to Scranton. She knew the three wise men from Dunder Mifflin, come on! The birthplace of our savior, Bethlehem, P.A.” Now, everybody knows Bethlehem, birthplace of Jesus, the savior of most people in this country. Yet, if you ask most people in this country to point it out on a map, they’re pointing to Pennsylvania, there’s a problem. But it’s not our fault. It’s a very difficult geopolitical question. I had to look it up just for this joke. Yeah, my niece asked me over Christmas. My niece is five years old. She said, “Where’s Jesus from?” I was like, “Bethlehem. Nailed it, right?” She was like, “Where’s Bethlehem?”
I was like, “Oh shit, here we go. I gotta give her the simplest answer you can a five-year-old, but I also gotta keep it real, you know?” So I was like, “Okay, um, well, technically, Bethlehem is in Palestine, but America, we don’t recognize Palestine as a country, so technically it’s in the Palestinian territories, um, specifically the West Bank, not the Gaza Strip. It was part of Israel, but they handed over to the Palestinian National Authority in 1995 under the interim agreement of 7.5 section 2 of the U.N. resolution at the Oslo Accords. Thanks, Bill Clinton. Uh, this was pre-Monika, never mind. Uh, but of course, before that, it was British Mandate Palestine, and before that, the Ottoman Empire, and before that, a conquest during the Crusades, and before that, another conquest, and before then, another conquest. Before that, another conquest. Ah, times back then, people were crazy. Before that, the Roman Empire, because it was the law. Uh, before that, Judea, shout out to my Zionists. Uh, before that, the Canaanites. Yes, we Canaanites is what they did. Not say. I made that up, um, uh, before that, random tribes from Africa. Uh, Black Lives Matter. And uh, before that, it was the dinosaurs, if you believe in those, believe that they teach you those? And of course, before all of that, it was just lots and lots and lots of rocks. Uh, which, as we know, belonged to the Palestinians.
Now, one could argue that it still is in Israel, technically, because Israel technically occupies the West Bank. But of course, Israel would say that’s not the case because that’s illegal under international law, under many, many counts. Don’t tell the U.N.! JK, they already know. Oh my god, it’s a mess. Everybody knows, literally everybody knows, except most of the people in the country that could actually vote to stop it. God bless Pennsylvania. Merry Christmas.”
And that was the answer that I gave her in about 90 seconds flat, if you ever wanted to know where Bethlehem is. And I think she liked it because she immediately responded with, “Is Santa Claus real?” I said, “100% Santa Claus was real. We definitely recognize Santa Claus.” She’s like, “What are you getting me for Christmas?” I said, “I gave you the gift of Palestine. What do you want? Like, people usually pay to see my shows. I gave it to you free of charge.” She was like, “Free Palestine.” I was like, “Exactly!”
I knew this was a safe space. As you can imagine, um, these jokes don’t do well all over the country. I did that bit not too long ago, and a guy comes up to me after and he’s like, “Hey buddy, let me give you some advice.” I’m like, “Oh, this is going to be good. This is why we do it. We come for the laugh, stay for the advice.” He’s like, “Let me give you some advice.” I’m like, “Lay it on me, buddy.” He’s like, “Don’t do political comedy. It really divides the crowd.”
I was like, “Wow, news flash. I’d never heard something more obvious in my life. Of course, political comedy divides the crowd. That’s what makes it fun. You say something divisive, press people’s buttons, split some hairs, and if you’re good enough, you can bring them back together with a really bad pun. That’s what makes comedy fun. If you think about it, everybody loves political comedy, just not at the same time! That’s how it works. You sit and you wait your turn till the comedian says something you like and stand for. You clap, you cheer, you go wild, and then for the rest, you politely shut your freedom hole. That’s democracy, baby.”
And he’s like, “Well, if this is democracy, then I’m giving you my vote.” I’m like, “No, your vote is to laugh or not laugh. You’re trying to suppress other voters’ rights at this point is what you’re doing.” He’s like, “Buddy, I’m just trying to give you some advice.” I said, “You’re giving me material, buddy, is what you’re doing.”
And then, this was the best part, he leans in and he said, “Well, buddy, you should trust me ‘cuz I’m a magician.”
I said, “What? Wait, what? What just happened? What did you just say? You just said, ‘Trust me I’m a magician.’ I don’t think anybody’s ever said that before in any language. This guy literally said ‘Trust me, I trick people for money.’ Trust me, I am a magician. I believe the saying is, ‘Don’t trust me, I deceive people on a regular basis.’ That is like, he might as well just pulled a dove out of his hat like, ‘Trust me, I’m a magician.’ Just comes out… ‘You’re a magician, and I’m dividing the crowd? Maybe stop sawing your audience members in half, you divisive mofo.’ Political comedy is fun because you divide the crowd, and then if you’re good enough, you can undivide them.”
He’s like, “How do you undivide a crowd?”
I’m like, “Trust me, I’m a math comic. Um, you split a crowd apart, and if you’re funny enough, you can bring them back together.”
And he’s like, “Do you really believe that?”
I was like, ♪ Do you believe in magic? ♪ ♪ Free Palestine ♪
And then the truth came out. He said, “Hey man, what made me upset is that I’m from Israel, and I don’t like you talking bad about my people.”
I was like, “I wasn’t doing that. I was just, uh, telling a joke about historical accuracy. That– that was all I was doing.”
And he says, “Yeah, but now when people meet me and I tell them I’m for Israel, they think I’m bad.”
I’m like, “That’s not my fault. That’s between you and your government, buddy. Like, use your democracy over there.”
And like, I get it. You want to critique someone’s comedy, but it’s like, you know, this is the country that I live in. Like, I would never go to Iraq, go to an Iraqi Comedy Club, see an Iraqi comedian on stage be like, “You know America, this freedom you gave us looks a lot like bombs.”
And after the show, I’m like, “Hey buddy, can you tone it down with that whole anti-American thing? Trying to get some pussy out here, you know what I’m saying? Trying to get laid in your country, not making me look good.”
And I felt for this guy, but I just think, I think he ran out of words because he is a magician, and, uh, and then he just said, “Look man, I heard your Israel-Palestine jokes, and you’re just not building any bridges with those.”
And I said, “I’m not trying to build bridges. I’m trying to get laughs, uh, that’s the point of comedy. I’m not like when I go to a show, I don’t hope that people throw little tiny toy bridges at the stage, you know. I’m like hoping for hahas instead, you know, plus I’m Palestinian. We don’t do bridges, we do tunnels, you know what I mean? So, it’s, it’s like a bridge, you just don’t know that it’s happening at the time. I guess what I’m saying is, we’re more connected than you know, you know. See you on the other side.”
I already know some people are reacting like, “Oh my God, did he just make a joke about the Palestinian tunnels?” And you’re right. I’m sorry. I meant to use the term gender-neutral maintenance holes.
I feel bad for a lot of you guys right now, just like a lot of you’re like, “This is not the kind of comedy that I just wanted. I wanted to go home and stuff. It’s so sturdy, and like, it’s so intense. I didn’t want to cut ha-ha.” This is the point where I want to commend you for still being here, because if you like Samuel Obeid, you come to a show, and you have to be able to listen to the four Ps, okay? Problems, Palestine, puns, and pussy. That’s right, that’s right. If you can tolerate all four, you are a true Samuel Obeid fan.
People always critique me like, “Why don’t you just focus on one thing?” No, I want fans who like the whole package, man. That’s why I started with like the pussy stuff, you know? Because people like, you know, “You’re not playing to the crowd. Who’s gonna like the Palestinian material if you open with all that dirty stuff?” I’m like, “But that’s the point. I’m trying to get the people like, ‘Oh yeah, pussy. I’m listening. Palestine. I should. I’m learning,’ you know what I mean? Like, there’s a method to this.”
I will say that, um, I did recently find out that my parents, when they first found out about me, were considering an abortion. And… thanks for laughing, but I… I’m not saying this to get any any sympathy or anything. I’m just saying there has been attempts to cancel me, and you wouldn’t be the first. How do we feel about cancel culture in this room, by the way? How do we feel about the cancer culture? Okay, most people don’t like it. Most comedy crowds don’t like cancel culture because they want their comedians still here. Uh, I, on the other hand, I love cancel culture. It clears out more room at the top for me, right? Give me that Louis CK spot, boom. Let’s go. D’Elia’s out. Yeah, buddy. Bad day? Diseased? I’m sorry. Let’s go. It’s like reverse Tetris, just clearing out more space. Yeah, dude. Love cancel culture. I give it a 10 out of 10. But the 10s cancel out, so I give it a one. It’s all funny game so it happens to you.
I don’t really cross the line in comedy. My, my goal in comedy is, I like to find the line, walk up to it, wave, and then peace out, um, because like every crowd has its own mind. When you, you’re all individual people, but when you come into a room with other people, you form crowd mind, and you guys all have a collective line. I think your, your guys’ was, uh, I don’t know what was the COVID stuff. So he said, “Cocaine.” Oh, your line is cocaine. Got it. Okay. That’s, that’s a better joke. I found the… Yeah, I could, that part of the room, I fucking know that shit. I found your lines. They’re in your noses.
Every crowd has its line. I was doing a show in Berkeley not too long ago, and the line was just me showing up. Doing a show in Berkeley is just like constantly doing limbo. It’s just like, lines, lines, lines, lines, lines. So, I’m doing a joke about the ancient Mayans, okay? Ancient Mayans. A woman gets up in the middle of my joke and she was like, “Racist asshole!” I was like, “Whoa, what’s going on?” She’s like, “You’re talking about my people!” I was like, “The Ancient Mayans?” I was looking for like a time portal in the room, feeling for a draft, you know, like, “Is she an ancient Mayan?” She’s wearing Uggs, you know. She’s got holes in her jeans. Did they do that? How did the Ancient Mayans dress?
Then, I was mad at my education. I was like, “Damn you, Berkeley! Why didn’t you tell me they still walk among us?” So, I stopped my joke and apologized. I want you to leave here feeling better than when you came. So, like, if I piss you off, I genuinely will apologize, like I’ll apologize directly to your ego, you know what I mean? Like, I’ll walk up to your ear like, “I’m sorry, baby,” you know, like metaphorically cradling you, giving you whatever you need because I want you to have that feeling. I’ll give you this sincere apology, and then I’ll proceed to liking you less than other people, but that’s not your problem.
So, I said, “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to offend you. Where’s your family from specifically?” And she was like, “Peru.” I was like, “That’s the Incas, you fucking idiot. Get the fuck out of here! What the fuck are you? You’re just doing ‘paint all indigenous people with a broad brush’? That’s racist!” And that’s how you out-Berkeley Berkeley. I’m the biggest pussy of them all. I am the tiger.
What was the Mayan joke?
What was the Mayan joke? Thank you. That’s a great question. This was the Mayan joke, um, and it was a… believe me, it was a joke that I wrote like in my first year of comedy. Um, so the joke was, um, the Mayans predicted that civilization was gonna end in 2012, but their civilization ended in 1606. I guess they didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about. It’s like every time I tell a girl I’m gonna last all night. I’m not a prophet, you know? Not a bad joke for a first year of comedy.
It’s crazy. I didn’t even… One more thing I want to say is like, before I came on stage, I got locked in the green room. We were trying to, like, for five minutes, I didn’t know if I was gonna make it up here or like if I was gonna have to kick down the door to come up and do my special taping. But that would have been the most boss-like special opening ever.
I went to Berkeley. Comedy is a safe space because we are supposedly supposed to be able to say whatever we feel. But if you get offended, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s this kind of stigma now that if you get offended at a joke that a good comedian tells, there’s something wrong with you, and I just want to make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with you if you get offended at something a comedian says. That just means that you’re human. That’s all that means. I’m concerned if you don’t get offended like, “I went to the comedy show, and I was okay with everything.” Like, get checked out, now. There is something wrong. You need to go to therapy.
Everybody has their line, and it’s not a Berkeley line, but it’s a line, you know what I mean? I wanted to know if I was a human. I wanted to know where my line was, so I went to a comedy show. I sat in the back, had some drinks, which is just like a lube. It’s like emotional lube, you know? By the end of the show, I was like a Drake album, just filled with incoherent feelings. I was angry, but I didn’t know why. I was like a confused social justice warrior.
Then the comedian said something that, like, triggered me. He made a joke about virgins, which triggered the 24-year-old in me, and it’s like, “How dare he?” I felt the pussy just bubbling up inside. I was like, “No, no, he didn’t. I’m gonna find him on Instagram and message him.” Picked up my phone, I started to DM him. Took me like 15 minutes to find his handle because I was drunk, and I was about to send him a message on how dumb his joke was, and then I stopped myself immediately. I was like, “What am I doing? I’m a grown-ass comedian.” So, I put down the phone, I took the high road, and instead of DMing, I went home, I listened to Jack Johnson, and I was fine the next day because this is the solution. It gets it out of your system.
I call it the self-juicing cleanse, alright? And you have to do it yourself. You have to do the work yourself. You can’t have someone else do it for you. You got to burn those calories to really, really get it out. This may be vulgar to some of you, but I’m telling you right now, if you ever find yourself getting upset or angry or just plain all triggered from something a comedian says, one, that’s okay, and two, you can go fuck yourself. And you can trust me because I’m a pussy!
Thank you so much, everybody. I’m Samuel Obeid.
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