Ryan Hamilton Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript

Ryan Hamilton makes his Tonight Show debut with jokes about looking young from far away and having an adult fall in public.

Published on Sep 11, 2019

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

[Cheers and applause]

That’s very nice. Thank you.

Someone said to me, “You look young from far away.” [Light laughter] And I think it might be the worst compliment I’ve ever heard… [Laughter] …in my life. It has a real M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end, doesn’t it? [Light laughter] “You look young.” “Yeah?” “From far away.” “Wow! I did not see that coming.” [Laughter] You are mean from up close is what you are. [Laughter] I… I don’t like you from this distance. I’m trying to stay young, you know, and move. We don’t move enough. Isn’t that a weird modern-day health concern? But it’s true. Do you ever sit sedentary for 36 hours and just go, “Boy, I don’t feel well right now.” [Laughter] I think it’s going to baffle historians. “What happened to these people?” “They just stopped. We’re not sure.” [Laughter] “They kind of slowly coalesced into a gel, and that was it for them. We have evidence that they were actually counting their individual steps one at a time.” [Laughter] “That’s how little they were moving.”

[Cheers and applause]

My friends are into running. And they say stuff like, “I’m addicted to running,” which I cannot wrap my head around. I am so addicted to stopping running. [Laughter] I can’t stop stopping running. The whole time I’m running, all I’m thinking is, “When does the addiction kick in?” [Laughter] Most things that are addictive take action quick, but this running seems to be a bit of an outlier — can we agree? [Laughter] I mean, you see people run who are meant to run. They look graceful and efficient. The whole time I’m running, there’s this thought going over and over in my head, which is, “I’ve never seen me run, but I don’t think this looks right.” [Laughter and applause] “One leg is doing far more work than it should. I might be skipping right now. I’m not certain.” [Laughter]

So… [Laughter continues] Little things are happening. I fell down. I used to trip. [Light laughter] Do you understand? [Laughter] Here’s how life goes. Tripping — young. Falling — old. [Laughter] I fell down. It was significant. I’m calling it an adult fall. And I say that because I remember as a child adults talking to other adults about falling in very hushed, serious tones. Do you remember those conversations? “Ryan, Grandma fell.” [Light laughter] “Did you tell her to get up?” [Laughter] “I fell six times. It’s not even noon. What do you want from me?” [Laughter] But I understand now. I have a little empathy. I had my own adult fall. I fell on the streets of New York City. People were around. I mean, there was no denying it. Everyone asked, “Are you okay?” Yes, but let me make this point — not everyone meant it. That’s true. [Laughter] Two 25-year-old girls on the street go, “[Chuckles] Are you okay?” [Laughter] I mean, there was… [Laughter] [Laughter and applause] [Chuckles] [Applause continues] …zero empathy in their reaction. The words came out of their mouths. What they actually communicated was, “I wish my camera was on for that. That was spectacular.” [Laughter] “Are you okay?” Has anyone ever answered, “No,” to, “Are you okay?” in the history of falling down? My body was screaming I was not okay, and I still said, “I’m fine.” [Laughter] “I want to die alone right here. Put the orange cones around me and leave me alone.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “Are you okay?” What am I supposed to say to two 25-year-old girls on the street? “No, can you two petite children take me to the hospital”? [Laughter] “What are you gonna do? Go get a grown-up, quick.” [Laughter]

I was with a girl when I fell. [Audience ohhs] Let me just tell you the whole story. So, there we are. We’re at dinner. We’re enjoying each other’s company. Over time, I thought maybe we should date. So I brought it up. I said, “Maybe we should date.” She very kindly, as gingerly as humanly possible, said, “Maybe we should not date.” [Laughter] Now, it’s okay. I’m — I’m happy to have an honest conversation. but then we left the restaurant, and then I fell down. And… [Laughter] Now… [Laughter continues] My only wish for this whole scenario is that there could have been a little space between these two moments. [Laughter] That’s all. Just, does nobody have my back? Is there not one guardian angel petitioning for me, going, “Look, he threw a curve ball at dinner. Nobody saw that coming. Is there any way that we can push his adult fall by just a day?” And… [Laughter] …I can just hear God going, “You know, I would love to, but we’ve pushed this adult fall as far as we can possibly push it.” [Laughter and applause] “I’m very sorry. Everyone’s in place. There’s simply nothing I can do.” [Laughter] “Anyway, he’s gonna be fine. He looks young from up here.” [Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I’m Ryan Hamilton. Thank you very much. Thank you.

What? Oh, my God. What a great set. Ryan Hamilton! That’s a nice standing ovation for you there, buddy. Well done. Ryan Hamilton.

For info on Ryan’s fall tour, visit


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