RUSSELL PETERS: OUTSOURCED (2006) – Full Transcript

Russell Peters talks heavily about racism, breaking the stereotypes and finally advising the Americans to follow the other world culture when it comes to parenting.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please, if you say that, gentlemen. My man, [MIXED] Russell Peters! Yeah, brothers know his name. Here he is, guys! Russell Peters! [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

All right. How you doing? All right. All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders. Look at this audience, man. Everybody. This is cool, man. Everybody. We got– clearly we got some Asians in the house. That’s uh… I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot. I knew you were here. I thought they were shooting Fast and The Furious Part 3 or something. Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh? All right. There’s a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There’s uh… White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you. All right, a white guy with a brown girl. Good job, buddy, huh? Her parents must be so happy. Ha ha. There’s a brown man with a white woman. Nice, see? Balance. That’s what I’m talking about. He’s living the American dream. Or at least the Indian dream. [INDIAN ACCENT] “If I go to America and I get white woman,” “I’m ahead of the game.” Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at? All right, all six of you. Good. All right. I don’t know how the hell we’re in California, only six Latinos showed up. And black people? You clap again. Look at that, hey. You got both. You’re black and Latino. Your credit must suck. You’re… I just can’t…

Oh, man. It’s funny, when I say ‘Asian,’ especially in America, when I say ‘Asian,’ people automatically picture in their head, [IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC] Which is messed up because India is part of Asia, and we don’t get the same credit. When I say ‘Asian,’ people don’t go… [IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC] We’re Asian too, man. When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians. And you guys got first choice on looks. And you fucked us on the deal. “Yeah, well, we’ll take eyes.” “You guys can have noses and hair.” My people are greedy, “We heard two! We got two! That’s a good deal, two!” “Noses and hair!” We didn’t know it was gonna be big noses and body hair. That’s a shit deal!
We’re a hairy race of people, man. It’s hot as hell in India, and we’re hairy. Who the hell came up with that deal? I think the God that was making Indian people was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods. He was like, “Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this.” “Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here.” “OK, look.” “I’m going to take these people here.” “And put them in the hottest place in the world.” “And just for fun,” “I’ll cover them with hair.” It’s hot and we’re hairy. Men and women. Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves, “I hate this son of a bitch!”
It’s OK nowadays that chicks have hair, Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean? Chicks have hair they don’t want nowadays, they can get rid of it. All kinds of hair removing methods as, There’s waxing, there’s electrolysis, there’s threading, there’s… laser hair removal. They have hair they don’t want now, [IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS] It’s gone! They’re removing it from their assholes now. How hairy were your assholes before this? You know they used to do in the eighties, when chicks have hair they didn’t want? They used to bleach it. I’m like, “Sweetheart, we don’t have a problem with the color of your mustache.” “It’s not like the blond goatie looks better.”
And the Asians are not hairy at all. Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body. Very rarely do you see a bald Asian. Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But…

Oh, man. And when I say ‘Asian,’ you know what’s funny? When I say ‘Asian,’ people automatically think Chinese. People go, “Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese.” “That’s all they are. All the Asians are Chinese.” Look at them, yelling out their last name. So proud, that’s cool. But, uh… But it’s funny. People do think all Asians are Chinese. That’s what they think. “All Asians are Chinese.” “They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That’s what they are, and that’s what they do.” That’s not the case. There’s so many different types of Asians. You know what I mean? Sure, you may not be able to tell right away, by looking at Asian people, You could take an educated guess. Sometimes certain things stand out, and you go, “Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are.” But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups, you can tell by when they speak English. That’s how you can tell. Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight, Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight? Vietnamese people? All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too. [IMITATES VIETNAMESE] Tou mah! Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house? All right, that’s two closed dry cleaners. Nice. That’s uh… Filipinos? Oh, yeah, I see you right there. I knew you guys were Filipino right away ’cause you keep staring at the microphone, like there’s gonna be karaoke after the show. I can see it too. “I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, ’cause, uh…” “I want to get up there and sing.” [IMITATES TAGALOG] “Utahkeenah, hurry!” And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks? Nice. That’s good, man.

You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English. That’s how you can tell where they’re from. I’ll give you an example. Vietnamese people, you can tell when they’re speaking English, you can tell they’re Vietnamese ’cause when they speak English, they speak it really fast. Like they know it. But they end up speaking English so fast, that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again. I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy, this what he says to me, he goes, [IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT] “Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!” He called me a fucking blow job. Have you ever been called a blow job before? Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job, there is not one good comeback… There’s nothing you can say that will sound cool. “You fucking blow job!” “Yeah?” “So are you.”

That’s why I like different cultures, you know. Different cultures, different words mean different things to them in English, and, and in their language are, you know what I mean? Like, I’m from Toronto. In Toronto, there’s a Vietnamese restaurant, called Pho Phuc Lai. P, H, O, P, H, U, C, L, A, I. Pho Phuc Lai. I used to call them when I was a kid, just to have the guy answer the phone, you know. “Pho Phuc Lai.” “Ha ha ha!” Pho Phuc Lai. Doesn’t it sound like a whole new level of lying? “Hey, don’t lie! That’s a pho phuc lai!” “You fucking blow job!”
You can tell when Koreans are speaking English, ’cause when Korean people speak English, they sound like they’re out of breath. Like they just ran a marathon. [BREATHING HEAVILY] “You don’t…” “…make any jokes…” “…about…” “…the Koreans.” [IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]

I know how to count to six in Korean. Not impressive, but it beats, you know, learning how to swear in somebody’s language, you know what I mean? When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody’s language, we learn how to curse, right? When we get mad at people when they come here, and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you. I mean, we’re like, “Oh, that’s so ignorant.” Did you hear me walk into a store, going, “Hello, motherfucker.” That’s what he learned, you know what I mean? I learned how to count to six, it’s not impressive, but… I learned… and I’m not being a dick, I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner. I did. I will drop my shirts off, and then she’ll count them, and I’ll count along with her. So I learned, right? I did it. So, here I count to six. Ready? “Uhrana.” “Shura.” “Sureeah.” “Uurah.” “Haibah.” “Shexah!” Shexah? “Are you Jewish?” You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English. When Chinese people speak English, it sounds like they’re chopping vegetables with the words. You know what I mean? [IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT] “You don’t go nowhere quick!” “Don’t say nothing bad!” “Don’t say nothing what?” “Bad.” How did you just make a short word even shorter? I learned about the cultures ’cause I travel around, you know what I mean? I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago. I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place. Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam. Like, when an Indian guy tells you it’s hot, trust me, it was hot! Good place. Nice people. I didn’t know until I went to Vietnam, that you can actually use a scooter, as a minivan. I didn’t know. You will see an entire family on a scooter. Like, dad will sit here, right, on the little piece of seat. And a small child will sit there. And then another small child will stand in front. And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that. And then another kid will sit off to the side this way. And one more kid will face that way. And there’ll be three kids doing back flips while he’s driving on the street. When you saw that here, that’ll be stuffs you see like, at the circus, like, “Do not attempt to do this at home,” “these are professional stunt drivers.” And there will be six white guys and they’ll be driving real careful. In Vietnam, it’s the entire family. Dad’s weaving in and out of traffic. [IMITATES HONKING SOUND] Mom’s on the back, eating. [IMITATES HONKING SOUND] Good place, Vietnam. I did… And if there’s any other reason to go to Vietnam, I’ll tell you what it is. For their money. The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it’s called? Dong. That’s… That’s the name of their money. Dong. It’s worth going there just to have a woman you don’t know walks up and go, “Excuse me, sir.” “Could you give me some dong?” “Yes, I can.” “Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you…” I love that term ‘schlong.’ Doesn’t it sound gross? White guys came up with that term for sure, right? “Hey, dude, there I was,” “as I whipped up my schlong.” ‘Schlong.’ Sounds wet. I don’t even have schlong. You know, I got a slurt. I got uh… Hey, dude, the show’s up here, okay? “I’m not a piece of meat.” Went to China last year, mainland. Chinese people, where are you? Right there? You’re over there? You’re over here too. Look at that. – You Chinese too, bro? – Yeah. Yeah? You looked upset about that. “You Chinese too?” He was like, “Yeah…” “I try to do this a lot, but it doesn’t work.” “Now I’m a Powrish.” What’s you name, Chinese guy? I’m Vincent. Vincent, that’s what I thought when I looked at you, I was like, That guy there is Vincent. Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent? Yeah. What is it, Vincent? Uh, Liung Ay Hyung. Oh, slow down, hammer. I’m not Chinese, you know what I mean? You ain’t got to say it all proper for me. [IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT] “Tung Lor Deah.” “Oh, really?” You know. Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy. Liung Ay Hyung. Leong Eey Hung? You just made shit up. I could tell right there. He was like swallowing or something. Ong Ah… Ah. And you’re Chinese as well? So what’s your name? Catherine. Catherine, yes, absolutely. You know those Chinese couples, Catherine and Vincent? You have a Chinese name too, Catherine? Is yours as confusing as Vincent’s? What is it? Go ahead. Giu Lay Mi. Giu Lay Moy. “Do I like your what?” “Giu lie moy.” “Tits.” Giu Lie Moy. That sounds sexy, man. But that’s one of those names you brag about to your friend, you know what I mean? Like if I said, “Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine.” My friends will be like, “Oh, who cares?” You know? If I was like “Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy.” “Did you videotape this shit? Did you…” “Man, it’s exotic!” Where are your family– where are your families from? The bay area. The bay area. That’s what I thought when I looked at you. I uh… But, before that? Uh, East Canton. – Hong Kong? – Yeah. – And you too? – China. – China. Mainland? – Yeah. What part? You don’t know. You just accepted it at face value? “Mom, dad, where are you from?” “China.” “What part?” “Downtown.” “Downtown China.” “Okay, Catherine? No more question.” Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything? Cantonese? So they’re from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see? See how I did it? And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent? ‘Cause your parents are from Hong Kong. See, I know the difference. People don’t know the difference. People just think, “Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,” which is pretty ignorant ’cause there’s no language called Chinese. It’s like when people come up to me and they’re like, “Hey, Russell, how do you say ‘hi’ in Indian?” I’m like, “Well, there’s no language called Indian,” “so I don’t know if you’re asking me.” “All right, smart ass.” “How do they say ‘hello’ in India?” Like this. [IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT] “Hellooo!” Just to clear it up, if you don’t know, there’s the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They… Cantonese and Mandarin, And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages that even other Chinese people go, “I don’t know what she’s saying.” And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong, for the most part, and in and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas, they speak Mandarin. And now, if you’re thinking, if you’re picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head, and it sounds really funny, you’re picturing Cantonese. because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn’t it? It’s the more flamboyant, you know what I mean? It’s the one with the extended-sounding words, you know. [IMITATES CANTONESE] “Tung maaaahh!” Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese, and that was the funniest shit I’ve heard in my life. ‘Cause sometimes they speak, and it sounds like they’re falling off a cliff, you know? [IMITATES CANTONESE] “Tung Laaaahhhh!” And if you’re not familiar with their languages, we wouldn’t even know if somebody wasn’t speaking Cantonese properly. I wouldn’t even know if the guy was stuttering when he’s speaking Cantonese, you know what I mean? He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn’t know. [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] You just walk away from that guy, “He’s speaking his ass off over there. He’s…” But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language, you know what I mean? I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel, I was yawning and I’m walking to the lobby, apparently I say some shit in Chinese. I have no clue. I’m walking through and all I was like, “Oohh, aahh!” And the hotel manager ran out, “Hey, asshole! You don’t swear in the hotel, okay?” “You watch your mouth!” “Be a man!” But it’s a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean? Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing, and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year. I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin, and I’ll help you with it right now. Mandarin, you’ll know right away, now that you know what Cantonese sounds like. You’ll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin, ’cause it’s way different. It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean? It’s a little bit more relaxed. It sounds a little bit more aggressive, ’cause it sounds like they’re grinding their teeth when they’re speaking. Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that… [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Hao hao, se, se, sur.” [IMITATES MANDARIN] [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Sur, you son of a bitch!” Like that. Much very different, you know what I mean? And in Mandarin, they have… You know when you’re speaking English, we have words that we use to stall, ’till we get to the next word. Little shit words we shove into a sentence, words like ‘like,’ or ‘um,’ or ‘you know,’ ‘but uh,’ ‘sort of,’ ‘like, you know,’ ‘but you know.’ Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence, while we’re thinking up the next word, you know what I mean? To stall. Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use, and it sounds really messed up in English. But this… You know what I’m saying. This Chinese guy’s like, “I know! I know! I know the word.” So you know I’m not making it up, right? This is the word. All I hear while I’m in Beijing, people talking, all I’m hearing is uh… [IMITATES MANDARIN] [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Neegah…” “Neegah…” “Neegah, neegah, neegah…” That’s their word! Now this is a true story. I was at KFC in Beijing. ‘Cause I went to China to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So… I’m at KFC in Beijing, I’m standing in line, and standing in line in front of me is a black woman. I did not put her there. She was there. I swear, you can’t make this shit up. As I’m standing in line, there’s this black woman standing in line in front of me. The only black woman in China, and she found the chicken, that’s all I’m saying. All right? That’s all I’m saying. I don’t make the stereotypes, I just see them. So I’m standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me, and she’s a Nigerian woman. I know she’s Nigerian, ’cause she’s having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me. [IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT] “I don’t know what to order.” I’m like, “Look at the menu!” Right? So… She’s like “Eh!”ing and “Oh!”ing and everything’s okay then, right? So… I said “You should try the popcorn !Xhicken.” So… So I was standing in line, right? And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom, and he runs to the front of the counter, right? And he’s looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat, now his mom’s standing over there, and the Nigerian woman’s standing right here. And he’s trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat, but he’s not really sure. So all you see happening is uh… [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Neegah…” “Neegah…” “Neegah…” And the Nigerian woman looks at me, like I’m supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right? “Why don’t you hit him?” I’m like, “Here’s a straw. Get him yourself.” [BLOWGUN SOUND] I had a good time in China. You know what sucked, though, when I went to China? I’m not making this up. The airline lost my suitcase on the way to China. On the way. How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere? I get to China, I have nothing with me, right? ‘Cause they lost my suitcase. So I get to China, all I had with me, ’cause I’m an idiot, all I had was my hand luggage, and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player, a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines. ‘Cause I figured long trip like that I want to be entertained. And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant– My deodorant… will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China, which never met me in China. And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man, we need our deodorant, all right? Don’t give me the look, ’cause you know you need it. Don’t walk around, “No, no, I’m good, I’m just… I’m good.” No, no, no. You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That’s what you need. Because the rumors are already… people have already said, “Oh, Indian people, they stink!” Let me tell you something, Indian people don’t stink. Let me tell you what happens to my people. We expire quicker than other people. And after 25 hours on a plane, I was thoroughly expired. I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing, Chinese people there were going, “Oh, God, you stink.” “You’re from India.” “Well, go to hell!” “I’m from Canada.” “That’s how Canadians smell.” So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes, and I’m wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt, baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean? I’m… I’m dressed for comfort. I can’t go on stage like that, so I have to go to this mall in Beijing to go buy some clothes. Now, I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China, I’m Shaquile O’Neal. I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I’m like, “Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?” “Uh, no.” “How about an eight?” “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?” How about that? “Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?” “36 is too big!” “You’re too fat!” “Lose some weight, fat boy!” “Come back when you’re 30, 32 the most.” I’m like, “How can I not find clothes in China?” “Isn’t everything made there?” All in all, a good trip, though. I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer, I had to renew my passport. I don’t know about it in America, but in Canada, when you do passport photos, you’re not allowed to smile. That’s the new rule. You’re not allowed to smile. This is their way of fighting terrorism. This is how they’re gonna catch the terrorists. You can’t smile. That’s the message we’re sending you. If you can, If you’re traveling, you’d better not be happy. I didn’t know, right? I’m in the mall, I walked into one of those places that says “We do passport photos,” I walked in, I’m like, “Yo, I need some passport photos.” The guy goes “No problem, buddy. Sit down.” Which really pissed me off, cause he’s a white guy, and I don’t know why he’s talking like that, right? So… I think he was mocking me. So I sit down. The guy goes “You ready?” I go, “Yeah.” It’s a picture, and I’m a happy guy, so I figured, alright. He goes, “You ready?” And I smiled, I’m like this. The guy goes, “Sir, sir.” “Your lips need to be touching.” “Alright.” “Sir. Sir, you can’t smile.” Not like that, I can’t smile. Of course I’m… That’s their way. This is how they really think they’re going to find the terrorist. It’s by making you not smile. You wanna find the terrorist? Make everybody smile. And the people who don’t want to smile? Question them! Whenever you’ve been watching CNN, and they show you the terrorists that they’re looking for, and those guys are happy? Never! Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going, You know, there’s never the one joker terrorist guy with his thumb on the detonator, “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” “I’ll… Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!” So I wasn’t allowed to smile. So now, if it wasn’t bad enough being a brown man, going to the airport, now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off. My picture in my passport looks like this. They’re taking my passport, “Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please.” “We’d like a few words with you.” It’s hard, man. The security at the airport, the Custom, Immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian. We’re not the same! We’re not! We’re not from the same part of the world, we don’t speak the same language, we don’t eat the same food. We don’t even hate the same people. Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. “That will be counter-productive.” I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays, I understand to a certain degree, but I had one white guy like, “No, man. I don’t fly anymore.” “You never know what shit’s gonna go down up there.” I’m like, “What? Nothing’s going down up there, dude.” “Yeah, well, you never know.” And I understand, you know what I mean? You’re a little panicked a little bit, but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean? Think about it logically. Think about what airline you’re getting on. Where you’re getting on the plane, where you’re flying to, you know what I mean? That all factors in your whole terrorist theory. I was on a JetBlue flight. See? JetBlue is funny enough. I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia. It was like a 30-seat plane. [WITH INDIAN ACCENT] Plane. Oh my God, my Indian torrent is acting up. “30-seat plane.” We all go through it. So I get on board this little plane. It’s a 45 minute flight. I walked on board, this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes “Oh, my God!” I’m like, “What?” “You think I’m a terrorist?” “On freaking JetBlue?” “What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?” “Yeah, I don’t want to kill a lot of us today,” “tought I start off with 30.” “Tomorrow, Southwest.” Just think about it logically, you know. I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11, I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants. I sat down, the guy goes like this. [BREATHING NERVOUSLY] About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag, the guy goes, “Oh my God! No!” “What? Relax, you jackass.” “Just getting my Discman.” “Gotta listen to my instructions.” Glad Latinos are here, man. All six of you. You full Latino? You half? What are you? He does this. Half. That’s half? That’s how you cut him. What are you? What’s your mix? Uh, Puerto Rican and black. Puerto Rican and black. That’s not far off. They’re from New York, your parents? One is. One is? Which one? Puerto Rican? Is he really? Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That’s cool, man. We don’t– we don’t have any Puerto Ricans in Canada. We don’t have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here? You? One guy’s like… Are you full Mexican? Yup. Nice. What’s your name? Jose. Jose? Wow, just… just in case we didn’t believe him, you know? I like the Mexicans. Well, there’s no Mexicans in Canada either, man. There’s none. There’s no Mexicans in Canada. You should see how messed up our lawns are. Now, uh… What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive. “Oh, hey! That’s not…” “Everybody else, it’s fine.” “But you don’t say shit about the lawn.” It’s funny how defensive they got for you. You see that, Jose? They got your back. No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans, but we got a lot of– we got– we got Latinos, but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the, like, Chileans and all the, all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean? We got all them. But, see, I live in LA now. And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans, and one of my good friends, Jesus, “Hay-soos.” It’s just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That’s… “Who’s your friend?” “The son of God.” That’s uh… I like hanging around Jesus, man. ‘Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people, you know what I mean? You don’t ever mess up anything Spanish around them. They get very upset, like you’re supposed to know how to say their shit. I’m like, “Jesus, I’m gonna go get a burrito, man.” “Hey!” “It’s Buh-ree-toh.” “Holy shit. I’m sorryto, OK?” The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see? The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that–” a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know? That whole gangster thing. “Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?” They play it hard, you know? They– They got that intensity about them. Even Jesus will approach me, “Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?” “What? What did I do?” “Nothing. I’m just saying hi.” “Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?” The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys, they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know? Too much, to the point, like, where they’re trying to seduce everybody all the time. You know what I mean? I went to this Spanish club in Toronto. This girl goes, “Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando.” This guy turns around, and goes, “Hola.” [WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT] “I am Fernando.” I’m like, “You want to put your cock away, Fernando?” “I’m just trying to shake your hand. It’s uh…” “…not that kind of party.” But I like, I like the Latinos. ‘Cause you know why? They could have the most normal accent in the world, but the minute they start saying like a South American country, it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago. You know what I mean? “Hey, where you from?” “Well, I’m from here, but my family’s originally from Ecuador.” “What the hell happened to you just now?” And the more Spanish countries they say, the more it sounds like they’re going deaf, you know? “Well, I’m from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua.” “Eastern Guatemala.” [GIBBERISH] “Honduras.” [GIBBERISH] [GIBBERISH] “Peru! Peru!” I like cultural names. Cultural names are really cool, you know. I don’t have a cultural name. And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this. But my real name is Russell Peters. Both my parents are from India, and that’s the name they gave me. Russell Dominic… Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there! Do you know Indian history at all? At all? No, you don’t. You know why? I can tell you there’s no Indian history. The British were there for 400 years. You don’t think they fucked one or two of us? If they can steal all our jewelries, they can bang one or two of us. That’s my real name. Both my parents are from India, and they named me Russell Dominic Peters. Dominic. I got an Italian middle name. ‘Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India. [WITH ITALIAN ACCENT] Calcutta. You know, that part there. That’s it. You have a problem with my name? Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen. And my brother Julio. If I had an Indian name, I’d wear it proudly. You know what I mean? I don’t have one. If I had it, I would rock it very proudly. What’s your name, Mr. India over there? Anit. – Sorry? – Anit. Anit? See, that’s a neat name. That’s uh… Anit! Anit! Patel! Patel? Nice. Jose, that’s the equivalent right there. That’s uh… Anit Patel. That’s my brother, Amessy Patel. That’s my big brother, Aslob. Do you know what your name means? No. No? So sure that this wasn’t my name, but has no clue what your name… I don’t know what your name means either. I know what my name means. Russell. It sucks. You know what it means? To make a noise. It’s uh… It’s a shit name, it’s a shit joke, what do you want? I like the Indian names. I think, I think the Indian names are very cool. They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them. What’s your name, my little Sikh brother right there? What’s your name? Prabjoat. Sorry? Prabjoat. Prab? Jote. Not prebjoad, right? ‘Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn’t it? That would make his name Prab-fuck, That’s what his name would have been. Prebjoad. “Prebjoad! What are you doing? That’s…” Good solid Indian name, you know? I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means? What– See, he knows what his name means. Eh, Anit? What does it mean, Prab? God’s essence. God’s essence? God damn! What’s your sister’s name? Herbal Essence? What’s uh… “You sister smells great.” “That’s just Herbal.” “Herbal-joad.” God’s essence. That’s dope, man. I like the Indian names. I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but… I think a lot of– cultural names are cool. But if you’re gonna be, if you’re gonna have a cultural name, and you’re gonna move from another country to America, think about what that name means in English before you move here. You know what I mean? Think about how it’s gonna affect your life. ‘Cause some Indian names are really good. Some Indian names are really cool. And they mean a lot. But they’re really good in India. When they come here with those names, it just doesn’t cross over very well. I met an Indian dude, and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people. Um… I met an Indian guy, I swear to God, his real name was Sukhdeep. Sukh Deep. Could you imagine living your life with a name like Suck Deep? Somebody’s looking for you one day, “Yo, man.” “You Suckdeep?” “Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I…” “…don’t really like it, though. I…” And obviously it’s not pronounced ‘suck deep’ in my culture, you know what I mean? But if you were to read it, that’s how you read it. It’s spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P. The ‘H’ doesn’t help. ‘Cause now it sounds even worse. Suck huh Deep. “Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!” And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I’ve ever heard. And then a few months ago, I was in D.C., and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not, the guy’s real name was Hardik. H-A-R-D-I-K. Hardik! Who the hell name their kid Hard Dick? “Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants.” “Stop that. It’s not nice.” Hard dick. How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick? What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends? You’re a Punjabi, you know what I’m saying. You guys cross the line with us as well. I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep. Ram-in-deep! “Hey, get in there, Ramindeep.” Sure, it’s not pronounced like that, but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep. Just think, you know. And I don’t know why the Indian guys just can’t wrap– Indian people can’t wrap their head around my name. I don’t know why it’s that difficult. It’s very simple. Just go read a history book and it’ll all make sense to you. And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst. White people here. “Russell Peters.” “Oh, okay.” They don’t have a problem with it. They don’t get it. They just, “Oh, I don’t care. Yeah.” “Maybe he’s just a dark white guy. I don’t know what he is. It’s uh…” “Maybe somewhere south. I don’t know what he is.” I am– “Look, you’re not Christian, are you?” “Yes, I am.” South? No, not from the south. See, I’m not one of them. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not one of them. Those were converts. I was mixed. We don’t know when the mix happened. It just happened. We’re a long line of us. Indian people are the worst. ‘Cause uh… You tell my name to a white guy: “Russell Peters.” “How’re you doing? Nice to meet you.” Indian people, they’ll first want to question you. And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you, they’re the worst at it. They’re not very convincing. You can always tell when an Indian person’s trying to convince you to tell them something. ‘Cause when they’re trying to convince you, they give you this look like they’re taking a shit. They do. They’ll come like this. “Hey, Russell.” “Russell…” [STRAINING] “Russell…” It’s what they do. They’re not very convincing people, you know?

Parents are the worst ’cause they– White parents are very direct, you know what I mean? You have white parents. Where are you? There you are, white guy. Yeah. What’s your name, buddy? Steve. Steve. Just in case– wow, there’s– Welcome to stereotype night. This is um… Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel. White parents are very direct. They want their kids to something? “Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room.” They tell you right away. Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things. And if they don’t make the shit face, they’ll take one word and try and make it sound convincing. You know? “Russell?” “Come.” “Coome.” “Cooome.” That’s their convincing sound. They’ll just take one word and extend it. [ELONGATED SOUND] I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night. They got to consummate the first day they met. “Are we going to have sex?” “Seex?” [MAKING ELONGATED SOUND] “Seeeex.” “Doggy style?” “Doogy?” “Dooooog.” Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don’t they? Yeah, they do. They do things. They just do shit when family comes over. That’s when they embarrass you. You can try and be as hardcore as you want, but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it’s over. They’re gonna embarrass you. Filipinos, you know what I’m saying. You guys always have that shit happen to you. “Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him.” “Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs.” “Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray.” “Go on. Do it.” “Do it. Ah, see. He’s so good. He’s so good.” Indian parents will do that too. I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance. There was… Yeah, I did. I was, all the time, just… That was me back in the day, man. But I remember, like, when I was 14, I’d be out there all day. “Come on, we’re gonna break. Come on, everybody. We’re gonna break.” “We’re gonna break all day, man!” And then when my family would come over, I didn’t want to like, break in front of them. My dad would be like, “Come, Russell.” “Show. Show uncle how you dance.” “Show uncle how you dance!” I’m like, “I don’t want to show him how I…” “Show him how you dance.” And you’re standing like an asshole. And your uncle’s like, “Oh, that’s very good. Is he retarded?” “I can’t tell what’s happening. It’s…” Yeah, Russell! Just embarrassed you, man. That’s a lot of energy.

Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight? Oh, look at that. Nice, you imported your white meat. Nice job, sir. Where you from in England, ma’am? Are you from England? What part? I’m from Bedford. [WITH ENGLISH ACCENT] Bedford. Bedford. She said it so nicely. “I’m from Bedford.” I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?” But I really think it’s the only accent in the world you can’t do without making a ridiculous face every time you do it. “Yes, good evening, I’m from England.” “Ha!” “I’m from England.” “Ha!” Sometimes English people are OK, but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English. You know what I mean? You want to mess with English people? Next time you meet somebody from England and they tell you where they’re from, act like you’ve never heard of it. Oh, they get pissed off. “Hey, that’s an interesting accent. Where are you from?” “I’m from England. Ha ha!” “I’m sorry. Where?” “England.” “Haah!” “I’ve never heard of it.” “England?” “Ha?” “Little island, beside” [WHEEZING] “Europe.” “Is that near Miami?” “England, you bloody fool!” “I believe you are speaking our language.” “I’m speaking English, dude. I don’t know what the hell you’re speaking right now.” “You’re speaking constipatese or something.” “I don’t know what that is,” “but you need fiber, jeeves.” “England. Ha!” It just– It looks ugly sometimes, you know? I think that’s why English guys don’t get laid a lot, man. Women don’t want that pounding them, do they? “Oh, God, ooh, ahh!” “Aah!” “What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!” “That is smashing! Oh! Aah!” “Ooh, aha! Oh!” “Oh my God, I’m arriving! Ah!” How long have you been in America for? Twelve, thirteen years? And you guys met in England, obviously, because he’s a brown man. ‘Cause I don’t know if you’re aware of this now, but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India. It’s true. They’re all there. And the British are so pissed off that we’re there. They’re mad ’cause there’s so many of us, and… as a brown man, when I walk around England, I can feel it, hear them under their breath. “Go home, you brown bastards!” “Ha!” And they’re mad. They’re mad because there’s so many Indian people in England. And that’s not our fault. That’s the British people’s fault. You guys started it. You went to India first. We didn’t ask you to come over. 1600. They just showed up. They stayed for 400 years. 1947, they just got up and left. We were like, “No, no, no. Wait.” “We’re coming with you.” “You can’t just come here and leave.” “What the hell are you going to eat?” “Coming.” “Coming?” “Coome.” My white American friends, I uh… Steve, your families from America? Nice. And you’re married to a brown girl, right? Nice. How long have you guys been married for? Eleven years. Eleven years? Nice. You know what’s funny? Nowadays, eleven years is “Wow!” Back then, “Eleven? That’s it?” Now it’s like, “Wow, you made it.” We have three kids. Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice. Nice, good job, huh? Indian women are good. They’re sexy, right? Spicy. Spicy, though, huh? If you’re going down on her, better take a glass of water, that’s all I’m saying. You know what I mean? That’s all I’m saying. “Uh, huh! Huh!” [MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE]

White people, my white American friends, I’m here to tell you something, alright? I like you. And I’m not just saying that to say it. I’m telling you for a reason. Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years. They’ve really taken some strides. And I feel bad for them too because white people– we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced that they’re racist. We have them so scared to notice anything of color, that they’re afraid to describe things accurately now. I was working at this comedy club. One of my black friends came down to hang out with me, and the doorman comes up and goes, “Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by.” “He was a black guy?” “I don’t know.” “I didn’t notice.” “What do you mean, you didn’t notice?” “What he look like?” “He was tall.” “Curly hair.” “What was his name?” “Uh, LeRoy.” “Was he black?” “I don’t know, uh, I…” “He could’ve been. I mean, maybe, I don’t know.” “If you say he’s black, maybe he was. I don’t know.” We’ve got white people so scared to describe things with color, we’ve got them so convinced that they’re racist. It’s awful, because you know, the thing is, white people will never be as racist as we are. Not in your life. White folks can never be that racist. Indian people, Asian people, we’re all very racist. Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people. They’re like, “Oh, look at all those brown people.” “They’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group. We’re like, “Hey, you’re from India?” “I’m from India. What part?” “Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!” “I don’t want to know you.” Every group does it. Asians will do it. Look. “Oh, I’m Chinese.” “You’re Chinese? Where are you from?” “I’m from Kung Chao.” “I’m from Ow Bay.” “Oh, you go. So stupid. I’ll go.” “Oh, that’s so bad. I don’t like. Don’t talk to me, asshole!” Every culture does it. It’s so bizarre, man. White folks don’t have that problem. White guy’ll see another white guy, “Hey, where are you from?” “I’m from Tennessee. Where you from?” “I’m from New York.” “Well, let’s have a drink.” “Alright, let’s go. Ha ha!” That’s it. They don’t care. They just… “Hey, look. Another white guy.” White people, it’s OK to be proud of yourselves, you know. It’s OK to feel proud. It’s not a bad thing. I mean, sometimes you get carried away and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but… That’s– You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that. You know what I mean? You should– But, white people, you really have, you know, changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean? You’ve very graciously let immigrants into your country. I mean, you know, the country you took. You know, but whatever. You know what I mean? Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean? Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean? Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people. No problem. Alright. You know what I mean? You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over. Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know, let’s forget about all that. We’re in the 21st century now. It’s time to move on. I’m glad that you stole this land. You know why? ‘Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land. You know, Christopher Columbus, your Great Discoverer? He was looking for India when he found North America. That jackass was lost. He wasn’t even in the right part of the world. And he knew this wasn’t India. Why do you think the native people here were called Indians? ‘Cause he didn’t want to look stupid in front of his whole crew. He’s like, “Fellas, that must be India.” “And those must be Indians.” Meanwhile we’re standing on the shores of India going, “Where the hell is Chris?” “The son of a bitch is late.” But you really have. You know, white folks have been very gracious, and they’ve opened up their borders and let the immigrants in, and they didn’t ask questions. They’re like, “Alright, come on in, immigrants.” “Become an American with us and settle down and be an American.” “It’s all good. Don’t worry about it.” We all came in, and white people were very friendly. “Nice. come on in. Thanks– thanks for coming.” “Sure, sit down. Have a seat.” You know. Be an American with us. It’s all good. And you did it very graciously. You never asked questions, and they never said, “What do you want here? Here, you get out.” They never did that. They were just like, “Come on in, come on. Sit down.” “Be one of us.” And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean? And you look at the immigrants, and you say, “Look at all those immigrants,” “so happy to be here.” And you think that the immigrants, ’cause they all smile and say, “Hello, Mr. American, how are you?” “Good day, sir.” And then you don’t realize that every immigrant that’s ever come to this country, comes to America and talks shit about you. Every immigrant, doesn’t matter where they come from. They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa, doesn’t matter. The immigrants come here and they talk shit behind the Americans’ backs. And I don’t like it ’cause I was born in North America, so it pisses me off. but I’m telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing. It’s very irritating. You came from England, you probably said it too. And you’re white, lady. See, even white people do it. See what I mean? But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say, “Oh, Americans have no culture.” That’s what they say. That’s the first thing– My dad used to say it. “Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture.” I go, “Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,” “which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,” “which means, they have culture.” “No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me.” “What? What? Whaaat?” “Whaaaat?” “What’s their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture.” I’m like, “First of all, hamburgers and what?” “Hoddogs.” “What the hell is ‘hoddogs’?” “Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?” “You mean, hot dogs?” “Don’t try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?” But, white people, it’s not fair. White Americans, it’s not fair that immigrants come here and tell you that you have no culture because you do have things that are your culture. Black American culture is very distinct. You can look at it and go, “That’s black American culture.” They don’t need to prove anything. But the white folks always have something to prove, and I’m here to tell you you do have a culture. And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean? When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on. And it’s not like we didn’t enjoy your culture too. We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did which made it your culture, which made it you. You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level.. White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know? You know, then they don’t have to do a lot. “I just go to follow what that guy’s doing?” “That’s perfect. We’ll do that.” ‘Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. “White people can’t dance.” That’s not true. It’s not fair. White people can dance. You just choose to do too many dances at the same time. That’s where the problems kick in, you know what I mean? You can’t salsa and do the running man. It just doesn’t look right, alright? But white folks generally love the audience participation songs. You know what I mean? And we enjoyed ’em too. Uh, the Macarena. I mean, it started off as a Latino thing, but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it, you know what I mean? They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean? We all did the Macarena, but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot. We went, “That’s a white people’s dance.” “Good on you, whities.” “Enjoy yourselves.” ‘Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that. When they hear their music that they like, they get this joyous look in their eyes. And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that. There are certain songs. The Macarena. The chicken dance. That’s the white people’s song, man. You know the chicken dance. [HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE] You losers! Arriba! No, we’re gonna stick with the chicken dance for now. I like the chicken dance. That’s a white people’s– [HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE] You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance? The minute they play the chicken dance, that’s how you know the dance floor’s open. ‘Cause white people lose their mind. The bridesmaids, “Oh, my God, the chicken dance!” And the song’s tricky ’cause it gets faster. You never know what’s gonna happen next, you know? And then there’s like the song that I believe is like the white– the white people’s national anthem, you know? I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, and there was this nightclub playing this song. And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street. And white people were walking by and driving by, and they stopped dead in their tracks to do the YMCA. White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA. Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard, got out of their car, and didn’t do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like, They do like this. I was like, “Wow, this guy’s into it.” People were honking their horns. “Move it!” “Go around, asshole! I’m doing the YMCA over here!” He was like, And everybody was doing it. And I saw how much joy was in their eyes. And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know? I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went, “Yes, white people. Have fun.” And I felt good for you, you know what I mean? And then I started to feel bad. Not for you, but for me and my people, and other Asian groups. Because our alphabet is not set up for songs like that. There’s never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know? [IMITATING CHINESE] “This fun to stay on top!” Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.

Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen! Russell Peters! I think they want some more. Do you want more? He can’t hear ya! Here he is, guys! Russell Peters! Alright! Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release, and for Comedy Central. I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but this part will definitely be on the DVD. And this is part of the last time I’m gonna do this joke, ’cause I’m retiring it after this. And uh… No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards! Now, listen, when this DVD comes out, I don’t want you motherfuckers to go and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright? I know how you are. Please, go and buy this. This comes out, buy this one. Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable. One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do. See that? “I do! I do!” “That’s me!” That’s right. Now, I’m gona do this right now for ya.

Now, white folks. I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far. Now I’ve talked about white people already, and I’m… but I’ve gotta talk to you a little bit more. ‘Cause um… Because I’ve gotta talk to you about your parenting skills. Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated. When I hear them, “You shouldn’t beat your children.” “Don’t beat your kids. Talk to them.” “Give them a time out.” Beat the motherfuckers! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. White folks, please beat your children. ‘Cause non-white parents will beat their kids. Your dad’s a Puerto Rican, your mom’s black, they must’ve whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh? “Hey, son, come here.” “What’s that for?” “I know you did some shit when I wasn’t here.” Mexican parents will do, “Mira!” They’ll beat you, man. Indian parents aren’t afraid to kill their kids if they have to, you know what I mean? We’re the second largest population in the world. Reproduction is not a big deal. My dad’s theory was, “If I get rid of one, I’ll just make another one.” “Then I’ll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was.” You’ve gotta beat your kids, folks. Please. I know a lot of white people don’t beat them, but I don’t understand why you won’t beat your kids. Please beat them. If you have kids, and you haven’t beaten them, when you go home tonight, shit, when you turn off this DVD, I want you to go into your kid’s room and “Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?” “Hey. Sleeping?” “Yeah?” “That’s good. Have it here?” “Uh huh, yeah?” Whack! Just one below. Whack, you know. He’s already lying down, he’ll sleep it off. Don’t worry about it, alright? You gotta beat ’em, and I’ll tell you why. Because white kids are now going to school with with black kids, and brown kids, and Asian kids, and they’re going to school with multi-cultural kids. And all those kids get beaten. And they’ll all be hanging on the playground, having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They’ll be– they’ll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night. Black kid, “My dad beat my ass.” Indian kid, “My dad beat my ass, too.” Asians, “I got my ass whupped.” Do you want that white kid to feel left out? Beat him, so he’s not a social outcast. “I got sent to my room.” “You got a room?”

Beat them! Please. And I’ll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else? Because when– when white kids hang around non-white kids, we tend to look at them for advice. And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice on how to deal with our parents. I remember when I was 10 years old, I hang around this white kid, Ryan. Ryan’s parents never beat him, and they never even yell at him. He could do anything he wanted, and nothing was gonna happen to him. But he was an angry kid. I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes, “Ryan, go clean your room.” “Fuck you, bitch!” His mom goes, “What am I gonna do with him?” Well, beat his ass! I go, “Ryan, you can’t talk to your mom like that.” “Yes I can, she’s a fucking idiot!” “Don’t say that, man. She’ll hit you.” “No she won’t. She’s not allowed to.” “What are you talking about, dude?” “My parents hit me.” “Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off.” “Are you sure?” “Trust me. It works for me.” So I went home for the last time. I walked in the house, my dad goes, “Russell, come and do the dishes.” “Fuck you, dad!” “What the hell did you just said to me?” “Do I look like Ryan’s mom?” “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” That was my dad’s threat. Right before he beat me. Every single time. “Russell,” “somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” I hated that threat. You know why? ‘Cause he always say ‘somebody.’ He’d never tell you it’s you. I mean, you knew it was you. But he gives you this hope. “Russell!” “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” “Somebody.” “I’m not gonna say who.” “Oh, I think you might know him very well.” I’m at the back praying, “I hope it’s my brother, man. Please.” “Beat Julio’s ass.” I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later, I was like, “Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!” He goes, “Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part.” “If he’s still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services.” “Why?” “‘Cause if you phone Child Services, they’ll come and take your dad away,” “and he’ll get in trouble. You won’t even have to call,” “just pretend. It’ll scare the shit out of him.” You’re 10 years old, you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad, that’s like finding kryptonite. I thought I’d try it. I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go, “Don’t do it!” “I’ll phone Child Services.” You ever had your parents called your bluff? “You’ll do what?” “I’ll phone Child Services.” “Is that right?” [SHIVERING SOUND] “Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy.” “What are you doing?” “If I phone Child Services, you’ll get in trouble.” “I might get into a little bit of trouble.” “But I know that it’s going to take them 22 minutes to get here.” “In that time,” “somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.”

Thank you very much! Good night. [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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