Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies (2009) – Full Transcript

Recorded at Brighton Dome as part of his twice extended sell-out Dingledodies tour, the show sees the star of Mock the Week and Russell Howard's Good News share his observations on life.

[# Kasabian: Club Foot]


Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome to the stage… Russell Howard!


Hello! Well! Well, well, well! That was a fairly nice welcome. Thank you very much! I love it here. I love Brighton, it’s fantastic. What l love is how people go, ”Fuckin’ watch out! It’s full of poofs.” ”And?” ”They’ll get you!” – ”They’ll get me?” – [Laughter] ”They’re gays, not ninjas. – ”They’re not gonna…” – [Laughter] ”..leap out of the window, bum me and escape on a death slide, l’ll be all right.” – It’s not like that! – [Laughter] You don’t drive into Brighton and have gay men banging their wangs against your car. Stop it, you beasts! [Honks] Stop it! # I am what I am! Cock-waggling bastards! [Laughter] There’s just a few of them and they’re very nice. I like it here. You had a good day? How’s Brighton? ls it fun? What’s the best thing about Brighton? – [Man] Leaving! – Leaving? [Laughter] Well, it’s gonna be a lovely gig when the crowd are funnier than I am! ”I’ll deal with this everybody. Leavin’. Have that. ”I’m Terry. I don’t fuck around with my heckles. I just get the job done!” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – I’m a sales manager. Oh, you’re up there? What do you sell? How aggressive. ”Whatever they fuckin’ want. That’s what I sell. ”Oi! Old lady!” ”Yes?” ”You’re gonna buy an iPhone, all right?” ”Yes.” ”You’re gonna buy five of them.” ”OK.” She’s quite a crippled old lady. You son of a bitch! – What do you sell? – Mercedes. Mercedes? – Do you fuck! Look at you! – [Laughter] ”Mercedes!” That’s just the name of one of your prostitutes. ”Mercedes, Debonair…” The Brighton pimp. ”She’s Mercedes. ”She’ll wank you off and give you a Ferrero Rocher and pop it up your arse.” – [Laughter] – Bit much that, bit much. You all looked so… ”Ah! No, I don’t think so. ”We don’t put Ferrero Rochers up people…” Has anyone ever had that? As if you’d admit to it on a DVD. ”I’m doing it now! Oh!”

I’ve often thought, sexually, it’d be quite nice, you know when water’s in your ear… I’ll start the gig in a minute by the way. You know when water leaves your ear? It’s one of those rare moments in life you don’t give a shit you’re like… Ah! Oh! Imagine having sex whilst water was leaving your ear. How good would that feel? Ah! Ah! You’d have to tell your partner. That would really freak him out if you start… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Here come the latecomers. – Just one man on his own. – [Booing] And look at the way you’re holding your hands like that, just… You’ve got T-shirts on that say ”I love Russell”, girls. That’s… Yep, OK, it’s quite nice. [Laughter] A little bit weird at the same time. And, lucky, you’re sat next to the nutters! There you go! ”We’ve done drawings of him and we’ve made little Russells out of pineapple.” Why were you late? Please don’t make it anything bad. What happened? – Why were you late? – I’m just late. – ”Nothing, I’m just late. Deal with it.” – [Laughter] ”You’re not my real dad. Grow up. ”I had to mow my plentiful lawn. Fuck you, Howard, and all you stand for.” Just edging, before… Rrrrr! ”I’ll be there when I’m there, OK?” What do you do? I like you. I like your confidence. ”l was just late, Russ.” What were you doing? What made you late? – Drinking. – Lovely stuff! Excellent! ”Bollocks! I’ve gotta go see that dick, haven’t l?” ”Yeah, yeah, l’ll go, I’ll go.” ”Just one more.” ”All right, one more. What’s the worst that can happen? ”Oh! I’m on a DVD. ”Shit.” [Applause] Don’t matter. Pleasure to have you here, man.

I’ve forgotten what I was talking about. That’s a bit awkward. Look at you! Lovely! You did that! What do you do, mate, when not bellowing like a town crier? ”Hear, hear! Over there you’ll find Mercedes, good girl, good girl.” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – Bus driver. Are you really? Hence why you did that. ”Everybody off!” Everyone off quite camply, apparently. [Breathily] ”Thanks, bus driver.” What’s your favourite stop? You don’t have one, you treat every one with respect. That’s fine. Have you ever… [Quietly] Hey, let’s be honest. Have you ever just braked a little bit hard when you’ve seen an old lady in the middle? ”That was a fairly rubbish day. I’m approaching a roundabout.” So lovely, innit? Just the entire bus full of stamps and Werther’s Originals. Just Horlicks in your face. Bfff! Has to be an old lady, weirdly, doesn’t it? Look at you! ”Yes, it does, actually. Yeah, that’s er… ”That’s bus driving standard. If an old woman sits there, it is on.” Yes, lovely. Well, this is gonna be clearly quite a good gig. Well done, you, for being interesting.

Anything else before l start the show? – [Woman] Whoo! – Just one… Oh! That was lovely! One whoo and one woman, ”No!” [Laughter] ”I’ve come here for material. l haven’t come here to listen about bus natter, OK?” I like bus… I like trains. I like watching ladies on trains, which sounds pervier than l wanted it… I don’t cover myseIf in coats and wait for them. Ladies! Not like that. I like watchin’ ’em fall asleep. ls there a lovelier thing in the world? [Groans] Especially when they get the wobbly head. And when you get snippets of dream, is there a lovelier thing than that? [Yells] ”Helicopter!” ”Willy Wonka, never again! Who?” ”Poundland!”
I was watching this the other day, it was so lovely, I was on this train… I don’t know why… ”Train!” There were four women and they looked after one who was getting the wobbly head. ”Cover her up, she’s dribbling a bit. ”Come on, sisters, let’s get together and look after her. Our fallen princess.” I’m sat there going, ”You do not get that treatment if you’re a man, do you?” ”I’m definitely going, lads. Look after me if I pass out.” ”Yeah. On your way, dickhead, on your way. ”Right, he’s out cold. Gentlemen, let’s go to work. ”Shave his eyebrows, put his hand down his trousers, ”give me his phone, text his mum, ‘I am gay’, send… ”I do believe this is our stop. Everybody off quietly. ”Wait for the train to pull out, knock on the window. Yah!” That’s what happens if you’re a man and I speak as a man who’s arrived at Paddington Station with the word ”paedo” on his face. [Laughter] I did. Spelt with two Es. That’s what really annoyed me! ”You spelt it wrong!” ”You’d know!” ”That doesn’t mean anything!” ”I can spell the word ‘goose’, I’m not out laying an egg!” Walking around London like a Chuckle Brother, that’s not good!

That’s one of the world’s mysteries. How did the Chuckle Brothers become children’s entertainers? You wouldn’t let ’em near your children, would you? Especially that gimpy one… ”Hello!” Looks like he spends his entire life sniffing trampolines. [Laughter, groaning] ”To me, to you!” ”Get the fuck out of my garden!” [Laughter] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Walking around with ”paedo” on your face. I would get bullied all the time.

I used to get bullied when I was little. Really badly, cos l had a lazy eye and I’ve had an operation but it’s still bad if I look at the camera. I used to get picked on… ”Look at him. ”He’s obsessed with his nose!” [Laughter] ”Who said that? Which one of you said that?” And I went to my dad for advice. I used to cry a lot, – I looked like a Picasso in the rain, and… – [Laughter] ”Dad, l need advice.” ”Over here, son.” ”Well, stop moving then.” He did that thing, has anyone ever been offered advice from your dad… It’s never like, ”Brick in their face, this’ll deal with it.” It’s always like, ”Well, son, if you say this to the bullies they’ll bully you no more. Hmm! Hmm!” Never works. I cringe every time I think about this. Me, aged ten, stood in front of these bullies going, ”Bullies, how can my eye be lazy… ”when it wanders around so freely?” [Laughter] ”I think you’ll find I’ve got an imaginative eye. Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! ”As you were. You’ve been dealt with linguistically. Boo yeah!” They kicked the shit out of me that day. ”Get him! Imaginative eye!” I really wish I could travel back in time. ”Don’t worry, little man. In the future this is going to be mildly amusing.” ”Who are you!?” ”I’m you from the future!” ”Well, make ’em stop then!” ”Sorry, I need new material for my DVD.” ”If one of you could dress up as a clown and rape him, ”that would really finish this bit.” [Laughter] I’m not a time travelling rapist, l’ll be honest. Although, I…

Not although! [Laughter] But I was on about time travel the other day, this lady in Manchester… I’ll ask you the same question. Where would you travel if you could travel back in time? Where would you go? – Fair enough. – [Laughter] No? No answers? [Overlapping calls] – Did somebody say Jupiter? – [Laughter] You can still go to Jupiter. It’s not time-specific, it’s distance-specific. Who the fuck is your science teacher? No, this lady in Manchester, it was brilliant. I said, ”If you could travel back anywhere, where would you travel?” and this woman went, ”Jesus’ time”. Now, there was a lady who doesn’t fuck around with numbers. But it made me think, when we think about Jesus, I bet you Jesus, if you met him, he was a right player. Can you imagine? In a crowd of this size. ”Oh no! Shit! We got no food, have we? ”Just got this fish and bread! ”What we gonna do? What’s Jesus gonna do? ”He’s gonna do this.” Whoomph! Fish and bread everywhere. He’s like that, ”Fuckin’ line up the prostitutes. ”Bam! Bam! Bam! ”Keep that out the book, it’s Jesus time.” – [Laughter, applause] – I’ll bet he was a right hound. Applauding the mere idea of Jesus doing that. Bsh! Bsh! I bet he was! Constantly! ”D’you see that? Bit o’ magic. There you go. D’you know who my dad is?” I doubt he did that, let’s be honest. Nobody’s ever done that! ”D’you know who my dad is?” Nobody’s ever said that. Unless it’s a particularly X-rated version of Oliver Twist. ”I just don’t know who he is. ”Water in my ear!” [Groans] That bloke’s off. Oh no! I feel really bad now… [Woman] It’s just two pints! – It’s just two what, love? – Two pints. It’s two pints? l’ll be honest, I don’t understand the heckle. It’s lovely. Are you implying that two pints of lager is on or they’ve had two pints and they now need a wee? They need two pints? Right. What’s goin’ on now? I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Feels like I’m being mocked by a pub landlady, it’s a lovely feeling. ”Two pints.” ”I don’t know what you’re on about.” ”Have a go on them, seriously, have a go on them. Do you want a beer or not?” ”I’d quite like a beer.” ”Touch ’em. Touch ’em.” ”Get out me pub.” [Gasps]

I met Jonathan Ross recently. I was in a toilet backstage, he bursts in and goes, ”You’re thingamajig, aren’t you?” And I panicked and went, ”I can be whoever you want me to be.” Oh! I said that out loud. [Applause] We’re the same. I drift into situations, I’m an awkward fucker.

I went to the Darwin exhibition recently at the National History Museum. – Has anyone been? – Yeah! There was some whooping over there! How lovely. What was your favourite bit about it? [Girl] Er… All of it. OK, fine. Fair enough. ”Brain?” ”Er… All of it.” I liked his handwriting, Charles Darwin’s handwriting, it’s properly squiggly-wiggly. Obviously that wasn’t how they said it. [Posh accent] ”You’ll find the handwriting is particularly squiggly-wiggly. ”And, oh, look! A butty-wutty-fly!” [Laughter] But I was obsessed by his handwriting and I was gonna take a pho… [Laughter] What sort of fuckin’ run is that? [WoIf-whistle] – Like a fuckin’ hobgoblin! What was that? – [Laughter] What happened to you in the toilets? ”Two pints!” What? That’s without doubt the best run I’ve ever seen back into a gig. ”Oh dear. ”Well, I’ve started running like this. ”If I get as low as possible I am invisible.” Aw! You were the kid at school who used to hide behind the lamppost. ”Good luck findin’ me.” [Laughter] You weren’t allowed a real instrument at school, were you? # Kumbaya, my lord! # Bangin’ your head. It’s fine, everyone’s welcome. Are you all right now? Are you settled? Thumbs up. What happened? Was there a… Don’t say ”two pints” again. Please don’t say this. I haven’t even started the fucking gig yet! – Go on. – [Man] You met Jonathan Ross! I met Jonathan Ross? I know I met Jonathan Ross! Look at people trying to help me! How lovely is that? ”Russell! You met Jonathan Ross! ”Christ! He’s off-piste! He’s off-piste!” [Laughter] ”Somebody make him some soup!” How lovely are you? Normally, ”Fuck off!” ”Russell! You were edging your way back towards the Darwin museum! ”Stay on target! For the love of the maker, stay on target!” I was in the Darwin museum and l had an incident with a nine-year-old girl. – That’s what I wanted to tell you, because… – [Laughter] Wait! I was taking this photo because his handwriting obsessed me, because with Charles Darwin you assume a neatness of the mind, don’t you? But his handwriting was all over the shop. l thought, ”Havin’ a go on that.” It said ”No photos”, l thought, I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna take one, show it to my mates. They’ll love that. ””Ere you are. Look at his handwriting. Innit all over the shop?” – ”Er, yeah. Er…” – [Laughter] ”Be honest, Russ, we’d rather look at lesbian porn but this is absolutely fine.” They’re obsessed with it, my mates, just makes me laugh. Honestly, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two ladies on the end of a double dildo but for me it’s one of the funniest things imaginable, isn’t it? It looks like they’re on a see-saw, it’s as simple as that. ”This is lovely, this!” You can’t help but imagine a third sexual partner just out of camera shot on one of those weird rides you used to get… [Laughter]

But then I have an odd sense of humour. I’ll give you an example. I found myself laughing, full-on laughing, at my genitals in the bath, right? I was… Has any man ever done that? I was there glaring at my knackers… Glaring’s the wrong word, it wasn’t a showdown! – But… – [Laughter] l was looking at them, giggling like an idiot, cos it struck me for the first time that my balls looked a little bit like bearded survivors from some form of shipwreck. I’m not proud of this. It made me laugh, which made my nuts jump up and down and then l started giving them voices, I don’t know why. ”We’ve drifted for so long!” ”I miss my wife!” Giggling like an idiot, and then I had this feeling of fear come over me which was, ”Have I locked the door?” Can you imagine that? If your mum caught you engaged in some form of scrotal pantomime? ”How long have you been there?” ”Long enough, Russ. ”Long enough to see my oldest son sing Celine Dion at his penis.”

I’m awkward, l always will be. So l was at the Darwin exhibition, taking a photo. From nowhere, this girl comes up to me. She’s nine. ”What are you doing?” l forgot how to talk. Has anyone ever had that? l should have gone, ”Just back off. I’m taking a photo. ”Deal with it. I’m 29 years old.” But l didn’t, I went… [Groans] Have you ever got like that? Sometimes you get it in a lift. Someone says, ”What floor?” and you’re like… [Groans] ”Shit! I’ve forgotten how to talk.” So you overcompensate. ”Five!” Now they think you’re fuckin’ backward. ”Five!” And the temptation is always to act up in a lift, innit? [Groans] ”You smell like my fourth victim! ”Number six, please!” Took a photo, showed it to her. ”Delete it.” ”I don’t wanna delete it.” ”I’m telling the man.” ”Don’t tell the man.” So, in the middle of the Darwin exhibition, I had to scamper back, show her, show her that I’d deleted it, in the Darwin exhibition, I went, ”I’ve deleted it.” She walks off. Now what l should have done was punched her in the face, taken a photo of it and gone, ”Survival of the fittest.” But… [Laughter] My brain gave me that information three days later. ”Russell, it’s your brain here. Just like to point out how you can out-weird that child.” ”I’m in Tesco now!”

I was offered a bag for life in Tesco the other day. – I can’t commit to that. – [Laughter] I don’t know what bags are gonna be like in the future. I’ll feel like a dick if I’ve got a plastic one in 2024. ”My bag packs itself and speaks Spanish.” ”Piece of shit! What can you do?” ”l can suffocate a child.” ”That’s all you’re good for.” [Laughter]

I’m always doing it. Sometimes you do things, you got no idea why you’re doing it. For example, you get a cold can of Diet Coke. It’s not enough for you to go, ”That’s freezing”. You have to find somebody you love and put it on their head. You can’t not do it, can you? [Grunts] You don’t do that with any other food. ”This soup’s boiling. In your eyes!” For some reason you become a fizzy torturer. ”All right, Mum? Fanta to the knees!” ”Argh!” ”Dad! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’!” We’re all connected weirdly by odd things we do. We all laugh at stuff we shouldn’t do sometimes. Like I was at the zoo… You know those things where you think, ”Shouldn’t be laughing, too late. Ha-ha!” A friend of mine works in the psychiatric ward. Patient the other day, walking along, threw some drinks at the wall. My friend said, ”Why did you do that?” This bloke went, ”God told me to do it.” Apparently a bloke sat in his pyjamas went, ”l said no such thing!” [Laughter]

You can’t help it. You’re only a human, you have to let the giggles out. I had a lovely one at the zoo recently in Sydney, where it was great. And, er… I really like zoos, erm… ”Really?” ”Yeah.” People get… ”Oh my God! How could you go to the zoo, Russ? ”They keep those animals caged up! ”Why don’t you just fucking put a cigarette out on a polar bear?” ”Thickhead, it’s a monkey!” We all want to be happy and we’re all gonna die, now back off, you know? I’ve got no time for any of that. These people, they normally kinda wear flip-flops even though it’s raining. ”Ugh! Deal with it! I’ve got a Che Guevara T-shirt on and I’ve got some beads. Meh!” And they say things like, they’re always like, ”You know, girls, with all the trouble in the universe ”I’m not sure I could bring a child into this world.” Oh really?! Cos your penis is linked to world misery, is it? [Laughter] ”Jenny, stop kissing my cock, somebody’s been mugged in Peru. ”I’m coming, Rodrigo, I’m coming!” Fuck off!

These idiots. ”I don’t own a TV.” Doesn’t make you better than me, it just makes you a weirdo. [Laughter] You’re missing out on The Inbetweeners and the Compare the Meerkat advert – and both of those things… – [Applause, cheering] ..make you mental. Feel the excitement! Isn’t it amazing? We’re gonna look back at the recession and go, ”Do you know what got us through? ”A meerkat dressed up in a stately home… ”looking at us, tilting his head and going ‘Simples!”’ [Kisses] That was it! That was enough, you know? So I was at the zoo and this brilliant bloke, Australians are fuckin’ hilarious, this bloke was like, ”Couple of years ago…” And they don’t know they’re being funny. [Australian accent] ”Couple of years ago some bloke got into the lion enclosure ”and tried to read the Bible to the lions.” [Laughter] – ”They fuckin’ killed him.” – [Laughter] ”It’s a bloody long book.” Implying that that was the reason why they did it! ”Well this is dragging.” ”It’s too preachy. It’s too preachy.” ”I prefer Catcher In The Rye. Shall we munch his nuts?”

You have to laugh. My favourite ever of ”belly laugh from nowhere” moments. A girl in our school called Lydia was trying to make her calculator work. She was repeatedly knocking it, not that seductively, but she was trying to make her calculator work by knocking it against the desk. Mr McDonald, our teacher, went, ”Lydia! How would you like it ”if l banged you against the desk?!” Oh! The greatest day of school! We laughed for three years. ”Stop laughing, children!” ”We can’t stop laughing.” Things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it! l was on the train the other day. We went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove, and my friend went… – [Laughter] – Exactly. l was laughing already. Then my friend topped it by going, ”I bet you money that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.” [Laughter] [Applause] What a thing to say! But when you think about it, she probably does! She’s got a sense of humour. I bet if she’s bored at a function, her and Philip have this lovely code. ”Philip? Philip! ”Hey, Big P, Big P.” [Sniggers] ”Mother’s talking. Big P, Big P. ”Check it, check it, man. Check it. ”Would you like to visit Didcot Ladygrove?” ”For real, baby, for real. ”And when we’re done with that we’ll visit Walton-on-the-Marsh.” ”Son of a bitch!” I bet they’ve got a lovely lifestyle. She must have a sense of humour, she’s married to him. How easy’s his job? Bangin’ her and being racist. I could do that. ”There you go, Liz. Chinky-winky-woo!”

The royal family are amazing, aren’t they? Prince Harry. It’s really extraordinary cos a lot of us love him. I quite like the bloke. He has that kind of… The Sun newspaper can’t make their mind up about Harry. One minute he’s a ”war hero”, next minute, ”racist!” Make your mind up. ”We don’t mind him killin’ foreigners but don’t call ’em names.” [Laughter] We like him because Prince Harry has the Boris Johnson X factor, doesn’t he? It doesn’t matter what you think about Johnson politically, you’d love to go on the piss with him. You’d end up in a nature reserve with Johnson going, ”Fucking come on, let’s paint an elephant with Tipp-Ex.” [Laughter] You’d be behind him with a hole punch. ”Coming, Boris!” ”Ha! Ha! Ha! Ring a ring a roses!” It’s the same with Harry, we love him. He’s done so many things that we’re meant to be appalled by, he might as well have a weekly show called These Are The Things I’ve Done, and we’d watch it just to see him go, ”Yeah, man. ”I made a pube beard and I Sellotaped it to a swan. Big wow, OK? ”Big fucking wow, Britain! Huh? ”Next week I’m gonna light my farts and teabag a gibbon. Come on over! – ”Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s Harry time!” – [Laughter] We’d watch it! He’s brilliant! He’s ferociously stupid. That’s why we like him.

It’s the same as Susan Boyle. That was the whole beauty, the fact that she was mad. She may as well just have wandered on, rubbed shit in her face and gone, ”Ha!” and we’d have still voted for her. ”I’m dangerously ill!” ”Sing it, bitch!” [Laughter] We like Harry because he’s thick. Proper stupid, it’s brilliant. Think about it, most of us went to comprehensives, he had a hundred grand spent on his education. lmagine that. Hundred grand, he went to Eton, the finest education money can buy. He got two A levels, one is an E in geography, one is a B in Art. Can you imagine that? If your dad has spent a hundred grand on your education? ”l done a drawing and l sort of know what a hill is.” Slap, slap, slap for you! The media really ramp things up that we don’t give a shit about, like the Daily Express headline the other day, ”Swearing is the blight of Britain.” Well, it’s not, is it? And if it is, we’re really not doing that badly. l doubt there’s anyone in Gaza dodging white phosphorous, going, ”This is horrific, this is so bad.” ”It could be worse, apparently a lady in Rochester heard a man say cunt in Asda.” [Laughter]

There’s things to care about. Luckily we’re evolved and we don’t really give a shit about many things. Swine flu, nobody cared. It’s been upgraded to class 6, we stilI don’t give a shit. When swine flu first… AIthough it’ll be quite funny if, when this DVD is released, everyone’s died of swine flu. – Just one bloke, ”Very funny, dickhead.” – [Laughter] ”Very funny indeed! ”I speak to you from the future. ”[Oinks] I speak to you from…” [Laughter] We weren’t worried. When swine flu first came out we imagined just walking into a doctor’s surgery holding a pig wearing a sombrero. D’you reckon any kids have tried to bunk off school by going, ”Mum, I’ve definitely got swine flu.” ”Well, you haven’t, have you, Tom? You’ve got bacon on your face.” [Laughter]

I read this horrible story… there’s too much fear in the world. I read this story the other day that some parents have started buying their kids stab vests to go to school with. As if your first day isn’t terrifying enough! ”Let’s just pop your stab vest on.” ”Where am I going?!” ”To a place of learning. There you go. I like you, they probably won’t. ”There you go. You’re a lion! ”They’re gonna stab you and I’m fine with that cos Loose Women’s on. There you go.” How fear-mongering’s that? ”Before you go to school, here’s a cyanide pill in case you get cornered ”and a bomb-proof pencil case, ”best pop a mouse trap up your arse in case your teacher’s a wrong ‘un. ”On your way.” [Laughter, applause] Too much, isn’t it? Too much! Let ’em just fucking go to school. All we had was wedgies!

Too much. Like North Korea. Christ alive! Terrifying. You got this pensioner testing nuclear weapons underground. How paranoid is that? Calm down, North Korea. ”We need to defend ourselves.” ”Nobody wants to get you. You’re gonna be fine.” That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm. You’re gonna be absolutely fine. Jesus Christ!

And talking of our MPs, we just don’t like them, do we? Like the MPs expenses. What was your opinion of that? – [Man] Cunts! – ”Cunts” said the man at the back. – I think that’s pretty much the opinion. – [Applause] That should have been the front cover of the Sun, ”Cunts”. Just you leaning out your van like that. That’s how we felt. One MP claimed 23p for a lemon. Fuck! How cheap do you have to be? l’ll give you the lemon myseIf, you pikey shit! 23p for a lemon? People claming for moats, for tennis courts, for lawnmowers, for swimming pools! ”It’s legal, it’s legal.” So’s waking your nan up dressed as Hitler, just don’t do it. ”Meaarghh! ”Make me jelly, bitch!” ”Ja, mein Fuhrer! Ja!” You’re allowed to do a lot of things, just have some moral decorum! And then on top of this you get idiots going, ”Makes you wanna vote BNP, dunnit?” Not really! Not in any way! Where’s the link there? [Northern accent] ”Cos that bloke’s had his moat cleaned and I’ve paid for it. ”He’s left me with no option but to become a racist.” [Laughter] – Has he? How does that work? – [Applause] ”Moat: cleaned out. Me: racist. There’s an obvious link there.” There is no link. That’s like watching somebody mow their lawn and going, ”I’m off to punch Ainsley Harriott in the face.” ”I’ve cut Kris Akabusi up and put him in my bin.” ”What the fuck have you done that for?” ”I seen a bloke eating a cake!” There is no link. They’d still claim, luckily they’ll never get in power, but they would still claim, wouldn’t they? It wouldn’t be $500 for horse manure, it’d be 20 grand to have the white cliffs of Dover engraved with the words ”fuck off”. [Laughter] You know what l mean? it’s just kind of… We don’t like our MPs, it comes down to that.

We want change. It’s because Barack Obama‘s so… just brilliant. You’re looking at him across a river going… [Tuts] ”Aw! Can we…” [Laughter] It’s like looking at your dad who’s a bit fat and going… [Sighs] – ”l’d like that dad, actually.” – [Laughter] He’s brilliant, isn’t he? l tell you what, you know when someone’s beloved of the world when they get away with a disabled joke on telly. That is true power. And nobody gave a shit. Did you see it on Jay Leno? There was a laugh over there, you obviously saw it. Jay Leno went, ”You’re pretty good at bowling.” Barack Obama: ”Yeah, in a sort of Special Olympics way.” Everyone went, ”Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. He’s lovely.” Fuck! lmagine if Gordon Brown had said that, or David Cameron! We’d have thrown disabled people at him! ”Fuckin’ arsehole! Pass me Stephen Hawking.” [Mimics Hawking] ”Aim for his eyes.” – It’s what we’d have done. – [Applause] I don’t know whether you’re applauding because you like the sentiment or the mere idea of slinging Stephen Hawking at people. Just loading him in a catapuIt, aim him for Spain. ”You fuckers.” Whoomph! [Laughter, applause] And now you’re really applauding. Sounds like a BBC3 show, doesn’t it? ”Hi, I’m Vernon Kay, welcome to Stephen Hawking Slingshot.” [Laughter] ”You have to decide in which nation he will land. ”Are you ready, Stephen?” ”Yeah, I’m fine.” [Laughter] ”Well, let’s oil up the slingshot and…” [Sniggers] ”Let’s get ready to rumble!” Whumph! ”I’m here in Sweden.”

So, erm… Where was I? Well, I was talking about something… Yeah, Barack Obama – wonderful man. The reason why we like him, I think, is because he looks clever. It’s nice, isn’t it? He looks like he thinks. We haven’t seen that in a fair while. Cos you used to look at George Bush and go, ”I could probably beat him at Trivial Pursuit” and that is not good enough. He’d eat the pieces, that’s not even good. Barack Obama would annihilate you, wouldn’t he? He’s amazing. Forward-thinking, cultured, intelligent. He’s trying to bring peace to the Middle East. He’s also reversed stem cell research. I don’t know if you know this, but George Bush was anti-stem cell research because he didn’t want to upset God. How funny’s that? The idea that God could get angry. ”They’re trying to make tiny versions of themselves! I’m absolutely furious!” He won’t be. He’ll be there going, ”This is incredible! Clever little fuckers! ”Have you seen this, Gabriel? ”First the George Foreman Grill and now this. It’s unbelievable. – ”Look at that!” – [Applause] ”Every day is wonderful. It’s called an iPod, Gabriel. Hm? Hm? ”Put it on shuffle. Put it on shuffle. ”That’s the stuff G.O.D. likes.” People get obsessed with music, don’t they? You hear people go, ”You know why kids are violent, don’t you? Bloody rap music.” It’s such a ridiculous argument. ”The Wu-Tang Clan, that’s to blame.” We don’t blame chill-out music for lazy fuckers… [Laughter] ”Look, you’ve been on the dole for three years. Curse you, Dido!” Some bloke crawling on the floor. [Groans] ”What’s wrong, mate? Have you got ME?” ”No, Enya!” – [Laughter]
Ridiculous! Then they blame… ”Computer games! That’s why kids are fucked up! ”They see the computer games, they’re so violent, they re-enact them!” You’re like, ”What? No, they don’t!” You know? I don’t walk around dressed as an Italian plumber and try and eat mushrooms. [Laughter] I don’t go near a wall and go… [Hums Tetris music] ”I’m getting a Tetris flashback! Stop me!” But people love to be angry, don’t they? There’s nothing worse than an old lady or an old man who’s given up on life, you know? ”I’ve been alive for 60 years. l really hope I don’t enjoy the next 20.” ”I quite agree. I say we wander around like T-rex’s trying to shit out pianos.” Searching out misery. The world is full of woe and wonder. Don’t look for misery. Like, there’s nothing better than an old lady who thinks, ”I’m nearly dead. Let the good times roll.” We’ve seen them everywhere, those lovely women with twinkly eyes and wrinkly thighs and, ”Fuck it”. ”That’s right, Mr Bus Driver, I’m gonna sit here. Fuckin’ do your worst, dickhead.” Just gettin’ out a tiny knife. ”I’m comin’ for you.”

My mum‘s like that, she’s brilliant. The biggest gig of my life, Wembley Arena, right? My friends saw my mum, as people are filing into this gig, pointing at her vagina, going, ”That’s where the magic comes from.” – [Applause] – It’s just beautiful. How lovely and weird’s that? Nobody knew she was my mum! All they’d seen was a very old lady declaring that she had a magic fanny! Like a weird extra from Heroes. I’ve never been prouder. ”All right, Sylar, watch this.” Whumph! ”That’s what you’re dealing with, mate. I just pulled a rabbit out of my chuff. ”Try and steal that power.”
She’s brilliant. I’m lucky to have plopped out from that lady. She’s wonderful, right? l was brought up in a very odd way. Like did your parents ever just pull really extraordinary pranks on you? And you go, ”Well, that is a bit much.” I remember once I was in Lanzarote and we were eight, and l was taking some rubbish to a chute late at night. It had gone quite well, it was a job, and I thought, ”I’m havin’ a skip, I’m skippin’ back.” I’m skippin’ back, it’s going quite well. Around the corner two werewolves appear. [Laughter] And they say, ”Bleargh!” – And l gently pooed myself, right? – [Laughter] Mid-skip. Low moment, right? Now, turns out it’s my mum and dad wearing the woIf masks. ”Ah-ha-ha! Isn’t that hilarious?” ”Not really. I shat myself.” Now, I’ve only recently found out that they did not buy those wolf masks in Lanzarote. They bought them in England! Which is brilliant and mental at the same time! ”Look what I got, David. Couple of wolf masks!” ”Let’s put ’em on immediately and scare him. He’s sleeping, it’ll probably scare him.” ”Can I hold you just there, David, because I do believe we’re going to Lanzarote. ”Let’s get him in a foreign country, properly out of his comfort zone ”and then really shit him up.”

Brilliant. That’s got to be better, hasn’t it? Being raised by people who have a sense of fun. I’ve got no time for the ”What’s next?” brigade. You’ve seen those people, you’ve heard them. They listen to the news and invent their own misery to go with it. ”Free TVs for prisoners? What next? Ice cream vans for paedophiles? Hm? Hm?” You’re there going, ”No, that’s not going to happen.” ”Free contraceptives for teenagers? What next? ”Toddlers dressed as gimps? Bah! Bah! Bah!” ”No, that’s not gonna happen.” ”Abortion at 26 weeks? What next? ”Fannies fitted with nooses?” You’re there going, ”No, none of these things will happen. You’re inventing your own misery. For fuck’s sake, try and enjoy life. They just wander round going, ”CCTV. Big Brother. Local post office. ”Rage. Rage. Immigration. Ga-ga-ga! Ga-ga-ga! ”Enough to drive you mad. This country’s gone to the dogs.” Just fucking streams of bullshit. My personal favourite – ”This country’s the worst in the world, it’s enough to drive you mad!” Yeah, I bet there’s some bloke in some war-torn African village as we speak, just weeping on the floor. ”What’s wrong, mate? Why are you crying? ”Is it cos you got no money, no food, no home?” [African accent] ”It is none of those things. ”Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.” [Applause]

”Is there no God?!” We don’t give a shit about so many stories. Like that story about the 13-year-old boy that got that 15-year-old girl pregnant. Now, we were meant to go, ”Oh my God! Britain’s broken. What a palaver!” But, let’s be honest, my reaction was, ”Hang on, he’s 13 and she’s 15? ”Impressive.” How good is he at Laser Quest? You know? I could not have done that. I couldn’t have made a girl pregnant. I was weirdly proud of him. I was like, ”Go on, you little scumbag, well done. ”I’m surprised you didn’t start a fire by your shell suit rubbing against her.” I couldn’t have done that when I was 13.

I struggle with girls now. I was on a train the other day and this girl came up to me and went, ”Excuse me, can you look after my bags whilst l go to the toilet?” And l… All l had to do was go ”yes” but for some reason I went, ”You’re not allowed to go when it’s in the station.” – [Laughter] – Oh Jesus! So this poor girl sits down. ”OK. Didn’t realise you were the poo monitor.” So she sits there till the train moves away. ”Can l go now?” ”Yeah, you’re probably all right now.” And then other people start asking me cos they’ve see… ”Can l go?” ”I don’t work here.” [Laughter] ”Just respect the rules. Jesus!” What’s funny, because of this 13-year-old getting this 15-year-old pregnant, it turned out he wasn’t the dad, that was quite humorous, secondly, we now have sex education for 5-year-olds being mooted by the government, amongst other policies.

One of them is, they’ve got this scheme they’re gonna teach parents how to wake their children up in the morning. I’d argue that’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever heard out loud, isn’t it? If you can’t wake your kids up, sew it up or lop ’em off. ”This is an alarm clock. If you set it to seven it beeps twice and you wake the child up. ”So there we go. What do you use at the minute?” ”I hit them with a brick.” ”I’m gonna take your kids away, you fuckin’ monster.”

It’s just depressing, isn’t it? Sex education for 5-year-olds, people are very upset about it. ”Too much! Too soon!” Calm down, they’re not gonna teach them technique. ”This is how I like to do it.” Slap on some funk. [Moans] ”Just make eye contact and then just drive it home! Drive it home!” Kids aren’t gonna rush home, put action dolls around their car and go, ”Mum, look, I’m dogging, I’m dogging!” [Laughter] It’s not gonna be any of that, it’s gonna be some poor teacher trying to talk to 5-year-olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job than that? ”Kids, we’re about to learn about love.” ”Well, good luck with that, I’m gonna lick that tree. ”I don’t wanna learn about dicks!” Imagine a harder job. ”Children, there’s a complicated thing called love. ”We meet somebody, there’s a feeling deep inside. We don’t really know what it is, ”but we know that whenever we’re near them it’s wonderful and comforting. ”Eventually, your penis or vagina ”becomes very friendly with the other person’s thingamajig. ”And it can be quite pleasurable… ”or painful… ”depending on how you do it. ”Any questions?” ”Yeah, l got a question. ”My brother reckons when you close your eyes, everyone in the world becomes a cat. ”Well? ”Cos if you close your eyes, you could be a cat right now. ”l open ’em, you’ve changed back again. ”Clever little bastard. ”I’m off to lick the tree.” ”It’s the worst way to learn. A teacher can’t teach a child aged five about sex.” There’s worse ways to learn than that. You can watch a duck go at it. Jesus! Yeah! You know what that looks like. It’s bloody horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen duck sex? Christ! You don’t forget that! The noise alone. Wah! Wah! Four on one, they’re dunking the head, the feathers… Wah! Wah! No wonder Orville wore a nappy. Jesus! ”I want to fly!” ”You’re gonna struggle walking, Orville, they fuckin’ ruined you! ”Somebody get a safety pin! ”Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” ”I want to…” ”Shut up, Orville! Lift his head up! ”He’s in tatters!”

Or you could listen to the Pope. That’s worse. The Pope recently went to Africa and said that condoms weren’t useful in the fight against AIDS. He said that abstinence was the way forward. l imagine God in heaven going, ”That’s easy for you to say! ”You’re an old man in a dress! Nobody wants to fuck you! ”Abstinence? There’s fuck all to do in Angola! ”They haven’t even got a Nando’s!”

Sex education for… It has to be better than the way we learned. Cos how did we learn? Through rumours, animals, or porn we found in woodland. And as a boy that was one of the most terrifying moments of your life. Can you remember that? Maybe you’ve not been through this. You might be quite young. Well, you’ve got that ahead of you, its fucking terrifying. You look at a pornographic magazine for the first time, look at a lady with your mates, ”Do you like it?” ”I love it, it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.” But in your head you’re going… [Shrieks] ”That’s terrifying! ”Kill it! Kill it! ”It looks like Rio Ferdinand’s smile!” [Laughter] [Applause] That’s what you’re thinking. [Yells] ”It killed Boba Fett! It killed Boba Fett!” That’s what you’re thinking. You’re frightened! Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, you’re gonna be rubbish at it the first time. As you get older, occasionally you’re all right, you have those amazing moments where you go, ”This is going all right. Hm-hm! ”Yeah! I’ve snuck this out from nowhere.” It’s a lovely feeling, you feel so manly. If you’re a beta male like me… there’s probably a few proper fuckin’ geezers in here. I’m not a manly man. A lot of people now have dogs, killer dogs! You leave me alone in a room with a dog and I’ll dress that dog up. [Laughter] ”Somebody looks like Sherlock Holmes!” ”Get the fuck away from me.”

You know? I’m not a manly man. The only time I get manly is when I light a fire or put up a tent. It’s a lovely feeling that. You suddenly become very Alfie. ”Right, you darlin’, in the car, Daddy’s gonna put this tent up. ”That’s right, I’m gonna put up this tent and then I’m gonna make you pregnant.” An hour later, ”l can’t get the pole in the hole.” People will think you’re trying to kill an immigrant. It’s one of those… – [Laughter] – That’s just a joke. It’s one of those… That was quite lovely. ”Is that racist? I’m not sure. ”I’ll just fan myseIf with the Guardian. This is awkward.” And we can all agree with that! It’s quality! If you’re a fuckin’ beta, runty man, when you’re havin’ sex you feel so fuckin’ alive! You feel incredible! You feel powerful! You’re thinkin’, ”l’ll tell you what, if a burglar breaks in now, ”l’ll knock him out with my cock!” Think it! Never say it! Never say it! ”You’re gonna do what?” ”Nothing! Not gonna do anything!” What a Crimewatch reconstruction though, can you imagine that? l wouldn’t hit his head, it’d be thigh at best, let’s be honest. That’s if l was on a trampoline wanking, and to be honest if you’re on a trampoline wanking you probably wouldn’t need to hit the burglar, he’d probably get the message. ”Yah! Fuckin’ steal from me?! I’ve been wanking on a trampoline, fucker!” ”All right! All right!”

Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, always bad the first time, right? I lost my virginity underneath a bridge. Underneath a bridge in a place where trolls linger, that’s where I lost it. I could have banged a troll, I don’t know. There could be a lazy-eyed little troll going ”Daddy! Daddy!” It was dark down there. I was having sex… This poor girl, I tried my best. I felt very much like the Scottish football team at a World Cup, ”It’s just a pleasure to be here.” You want your 11-year-old self to be there just to prove to him that the future’s gonna get better. ”Look at that, that’s your willy in a girl. I know. Innit spectacular?” Admittedly it would be a bizarre episode of Quantum Leap, but… you know what I’m driving at, right? Now, I’m having sex with this girl, it’s going very badly, primarily because I’m not very good, she isn’t very good and my mates are watching me. Genuinely. We were at an army camp, ”How’s it going, Russ?” ”It’s a bit weird, to be honest. ”You’re looking at me in a tree and that’s really putting me off my stroke.” ”I’m fine with it.” ”I know you’re fine with it, Paul, ”but it’s really weirding me out. ”Are you wanking?” ”No, no. ”A little bit, yeah. ”I don’t mind. Do you mind?” ”I mind a bit.” ”There’s a woodpecker here who really minds.” ”I imagine he does, you’re wanking on his house.”

I tell you what’s never good. When you’re losing your virginity… and somebody tuts. That’s never good. [Tuts] Oh dear. [Tuts] Oh no, what a fuss. That’s never good. I’m pretty sure at one stage she went, ”Oh, for goodness’ sake.” That’s never good. But I persevered, then she obviously thought, ”I’m gonna have a bit of fun.” So in the middle of it, I’m losing my virginity, she looks over my shoulder with exquisite acting, suddenly just went… [Sharp intake of breath] Shh! And I cacked it. I was like, ”Wha…?” Properly terrified. ”What is it? What’s behind me?” [Pants] There was a beat of silence, she looked deep into my eyes and went… – ”Boo!” And honestly… – [Laughter] ..the fear that went through… I was like, ”Ngah! Ngah!” I’ve never made a noise like it. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah!” l sounded like a camel with an ice cream headache. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah!” It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, but it led to one of the greatest. I don’t know if you’ve ever been inside somebody whilst that person is giggling. Oh, my God! What a feeling! It’s unbelievable! It’s like your dick is getting a handshake off Michael J Fox in a hurricane. It’s going… [Groans] – [Applause] – What a moment to arrive from nowhere! Brilliant! You know when life suddenly goes, ”I can do this.” You’re like, ”Oh-ho-ho! That’s quite weird and lovely.”

So strange. That’s why I’ve got no time for… I’m not really a fan of technology, like communicating through… Twitter can really fuck off as far as I’m concerned. People say, ”Well, Stephen Fry’s on Twitter.” Yeah, he’s also on anti-depressants. And Stephen Fry’s got something to say, somebody else is just like, ”I’ve just eaten a banana!” ”Lovely. He’s invented a word.” Shut up.
Texting, I hate. When you’re together in a relationship, fuckin’ amazing, like stars colliding. When you’re apart you have to check in. Technology ruins the mystique of us all. ”Where have you been?” ”Who knows where I’ve been. ”Such is the mystery of Howard.” ”Have you been to the cinema?” ”Yes.” ”You don’t know what film though, do you? Wooh!” ”Was it Star Trek?” ”Mm.” I hate texting. You have to check in, there’s no mystery. ”I love you, l miss you, I want you.” ”I love you, I miss you, I want you.” And you realise after a while your relationship’s pretty much become a Tamagotchi. ”l better feed the beast, I don’t want it dying on me. ”I love you, Sarah.” Just lose the… Has any text ever been worthwhile? ”What are you doing?” ”I am eating a potato.” ”Why did you not put a kiss on the end of that?” – ”I’m eating a potato.” – [Laughter] ”You need to put a kiss. When you don’t, that means you don’t love me any more.” ”I do love you! I love you so much! I don’t know the etiquette. ”There are times when I miss you like a recently separated Siamese twin, ”but at this fucking moment I’m eating a shitting potato!” Send! [Cheering] ”Who is this?” ”I’m so sorry, Nan.” [Laughter] ”Please tell me you didn’t get the earlier photo of my penis.” ”I did. ”Why no kiss?” ”I’m eating a potato.”

Because if you spend your life sort of looking down and communicating like that, you don’t see what life has on offer. And it’s amazing, sometimes tiny things can be really, really lovely. I was on a tube the other day, I saw a pregnant lady, right? Her husband or boyfriend was rubbing her tummy going, # Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly # I said, Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly… # And l was there going, ”That represents everything I want in the universe.” It was so lovely. But you can’t join in. [Laughter] # Stranger is rubbing Mummy’s belly # Ah, don’t be freaky, don’t be freaky # Come on, baby… # Little things sometimes make you so happy. Happier than they should. I’ve got a new shower gel. I can’t leave myself alone. Sniffin’ myself whenever I get the chance. Orange and mandarin. You feel like you’ve been licked all over by a panther who’s had 15 Fantas. It’s incredible.

You know that lovely feeling when you’ve had a horrible dream, you wake up, you’re like… [Grunts, gasps] ”I’ve got to do my maths GCSE!” Then it slowly dawns on you. ”No, I don’t.” [Laughter] ”I’m 29. ”My teachers are all dead.” What a moment that is, you know? Or that noise in the cinema. I love that.
That’s another tiny bit of loveliness. You know when there’s a big glossy trailer? It always goes, ”Coming soon – July 2009. The Destroyer!” You will always hear one lone voice go, ”Well, that looks fuckin’ shit.” – [Laughter] – You love that noise. Sometimes followed by, ”I think it looks all right actually.” [Mumbles] ”..absolute shit…” Things from nowhere sometimes make you really giddy. Like watching drunk people, I love that. You know when someone’s a bit wobbly drunk and they put a bollard or a cone on top of a bus stop? How heroic’s that? ”I’m pissed. Fighting? Nightclub? Women? ”No, that bus stop needs a hat. That looks great.”

The point I think I was trying to make is you never know what’s gonna make you happy. It can arrive from nowhere, like me and my family do a very weird thing with our dog, – which, I mean, we don’t like… – [Laughter] ”It’s a full moon! Shave it!” I don’t mean that. I recommend you do it. When you’ve something naughty to say, that maybe you shouldn’t say, simply pretend the dog has said it, it’s a wonderful game. My dad is the champion of this game. We use him as an evil conch, my dog Bert. Stroking him. We were watching The Snowman at Christmas. Beautiful film. Childhood film. My dad starts going, ”What’s that, Bert? ”This is the biggest advert for grooming you’ve ever seen?” So then the rest of us go, ”How could you, Bert? It’s an absolute classic, you disgusting dog.” [Whimpers] My brother jumps in. ”It’s a good job the snowman melted or that kid would have an arse like a slush puppy?” ”Oh! What an appalling dog!” Makes you so happy and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

Sometimes you see something and you’re like, ”Wow! I’ve seen that. ”I will tell my friends about that. That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.” I was in a pub beer garden recently. I saw a full-size Jenga topple on to a pissed dwarf. Now… [Laughter] You don’t know what do. You’re like, ”Oh my God! ”Am l even allowed to laugh at that? I really want to. ”I know that makes me a bad person but if it was a big person and it hit him I’d laugh, ”but because he’s small I don’t know what to do.” Before the bricks hit his tiny face he went, ”Fuckin’ hell!” A bloke two seats along went, ”That was like 9/1 1 .” [Groans]

The world’s a mad place sometimes, isn’t it? l saw this the other day – I saw a man have an argument with a parking meter. It was brilliant! It was in London. He put 50p into the parking meter, the 50p came out, he threw it away. He walked away from the parking meter, he obviously got to about here and went, ”You’re gonna leave it there, Dave? ”You’re gonna let that parking meter get away with that? ”Cos he’s made you look like a monkey, Dave, and you ain’t no monkey. ”Turn and face him, Dave.” And he turned to face him. He had a chat with his brain that went, ”I’m gonna need words when I get there,” and his brain went, ”I’ll give you words. I’ll give you words.” And the words that his brain obviously gave him, just after he’d punched this parking meter in the face, were, and I quote, ”You fucked-up gypsy.” [Laughter] It’s just mental, isn’t it? You’re there going… – Well… – [Applause]

But what’s lovely about it, everyone in the room has been in a situation like that, when you’ve lost it with an inanimate object, you can’t help it. My mum has called a kettle a fuck-sandwich. She’s got no idea why. When you lose your keys, that’s the best. When you start talking, ”Where are you, keys? ”Seriously, where are you? Stop fucking around, it was funny for the first time. ”Come on, keys. Daddy needs the keys.” As if the keys… ”You’ll have to find me, Daddy. ”The pleasure’s in the chase.” Then you always inevitably go to God, ”Seriously, God, where are the keys?” As if… ”Hang on a minute, Rwanda, bigger issues. ”They’re by the microwave, Russell, they’re by the microwave!” It’s not gonna be like that.

We always leap to the Lord in moments of pain or pleasure. If you hit your hammer on a thumb you’re like, ”Ah! God!” Sexual bliss, you’re like, ”Oh! God!” You can be as agnostic as you like, nobody has ever gone, ”Big Bang Theory!” It’s as simple as that. It’s interesting, He’s always there. And if you’re into religion, fair enough. It’s quite trendy to knock it, but whatever you need to get through life is your business, isn’t it? Like Richard Dawkins… He’s obviously a wonderful man with a really amazing mind, but he’s currently writing a book warning children against the dangers of fairy tales. Now, I would argue that’s a battle that isn’t really worth it. ”Children, I’m gonna tell you just why Humpty Dumpty is bullshit.” – [Laughter] – Do we really need that? ”All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty back together again? ”Well, let’s analyse that, shall we? ”Why would Mr and Mrs Dumpty call their first-born son Humpty? ”Bullshit. ”Point number two. An egg can’t walk, an egg can’t talk, an egg can’t climb a wall, ”if an egg were to fall off a wall he would not cry for help. ”Point number two – bullshit. ”Furthermore, how can a horse put an egg back together again? ”A horse has hooves, they gather no purchase. ”I’ll tell you a story, you little fuckers. ”A man is…born! ”He…works! He dies! ”Sleep well.”

You need imagination. You need fairy tales up until the age of eight cos the world’s fuckin’ terrifying. It’s one of the greatest moments when your dad goes, ”I’m gonna tell you about Little Red Riding Hood.” ”Fuckin’ preach it, Papa, fuckin’ preach it.” ”There’s a wof in a dress.” You had me at woIf. You need imagination when you’re little. l remember once my brother was really upset, right? So in an attempt to help him… He was crying and I said, ”Don’t worry…” I’m eight, ”Don’t worry, Dan. – ”I can eat sadness.” Now… – [Laughter] I can’t. I can’t do that. But it really worked. I mean, I made a tool out of myseIf, I had to walk around the room going… [Laughter]

But sometimes a little bit of imagination is fine, you know? I saw, the other day, a kid, he was about eight, eating a fun-size Milky Way. He turned to his mum and went, ”Mum, it doesn’t matter how many of these you eat, it never leads to fun.” How depressing’s that? ”You all right? Do you want a Happy Meal?” ”Life is suffering, Russell, life is suffering.” I just can’t deal with that level. Maybe I’m being mawkish, looking through rose-tinted glasses, l remember being very excited by a lot of things. If I had a fun-size Milky Way l’d have been looking at it going… [Gasps] ‘Nother! I’d have been very excited. l was excited about going to a Harvester. Christ! Can you remember that feeling? ”We’re going where? Fucking unbelievable!” Bragging in school the next day. ”Sorry, l can’t concentrate on your trivial shit, Miss, but I was at the Harvester last night! ”I went to the salad bar twice. Touch me!” Everything was exciting when you’re eight, that should be the way the world is! Remember the first time you saw a rainbow? Can you remember how exciting that was? ”Dad, there are colours in the sky. ”There are colours in the sky!” ”Well, that’s a rainbow, son.” [Gasps] ”And there’s a pot of gold at the end of it.” ”Oh my God.” ”And it’s guarded by a tiny leprechaun.” ”Pull over, Dad. ”Pull over right now. Let’s get that gold and pay off his mortgage. ”Mother, you’ll have gold teeth in the morning. Ring-a-ding-ding!” We looked for a rainbow… How weird’s this? Me and my little brother, we took a knife just in case the leprechaun acted up. [Laughter] ”Better pack a blade.” ”Yeah, small man syndrome. ”He might get naughty.” So… Thank fuck we didn’t find a tiny bloke! Imagine that! ”Where’s the money, fucko?!” ”I don’t know.” ”Pay up, you little Irish bastard!”

Life is for living and it’s great, isn’t it? It’s really great when you’re reminded of that. Recently I had some anal issues and l thought l was gonna die, by which I don’t mean I can’t put my CDs in order. I mean, I thought I was gonna die of cancer of the bum. Erm… ”Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Jesus! You vicious bitches! ”Ha-ha! It’ll rot him from the inside!” God! How horrible was that? As ever, I went to the doctor’s and I pulled down my trousers… – Obviously, we had a chat. – [Laughter] Just wander in, ”I’m not very well.” ”I can see that. ”This is a dentist.” But l walked in, we had a chat about the bum cancer, and he said, ”Take your trousers down.” You’ve never done it slower in your life. l got my pants down to about there and just heard his booming voice go, ”In the other room.” And…you have a decision to make there. Do you pull ’em up? Do you waddle with pride? You waddle, you’re going for the waddle. The thing about waddling, the last thing you wanna do is waddle before a man’s gonna pop his finger in your Richard because now you’re a wiggling target, right? He thrust himself into me, had a wiggle around. Started chatting – that’s a first! ”How you getting on generally?” [Hoarsely] ”I’m fine. ”Can you draw the curtains? We’ve gathered quite a crowd.” ”Look, it’s H from Steps and he’s getting fisted!” ”I’m Russell Howard!” But it’s great… when you have a scare and then suddenly you go, ”Yeah, I’m doing it. I’m alive. ”I’m gonna hang out with people that I fucking love.” I love that. Hanging out with my girlfriend, my mum, my mates. Specially your mates, those fucking dangerous mates. The crazy mates you’d like to be. My friend Tom, one of my heroes. I fell in love with him age five. He stood up in the middle of a nativity play and went, ”Well, enough’s enough.” [Laughter] Heroic. He was the front end of a donkey. He was a genius. He was the leader of our gang, every gang had a leader. He always used to tell about sexual advice. ”Seriously, there’s a thing called Mars Bar parties.” ”We’re 11 .” ”I know. What you gotta do, ”pop a Mars Bar up the girl’s… [Whistles] She loves it.” ”Does she?” ”Yeah, she definitely loves it.” ”Can we not just kiss them?” ”Nope.” – [Laughter] – ”That is frowned upon.” So we took some Mars Bars to a disco. Aged 11 , music’s playing. [Hums tune] Music quietened down. We saw the girls we liked. When we saw a girl we liked we simply took out the Mars Bar and shook it at her, like that was gonna be enough. [Swishing sound] It didn’t work! We looked like we were teasing diabetics! At the end of the night boys are kissing girls, we’re in the corner of the room eating Mars Bars. ”It would be a waste to put it up their fanny.” ”I quite agree.” He’s the leader of our gang. He’s wonderful. We were watching that story about Elizabeth Fritzl last year and that’s one of those stories that really resonates with you, isn’t it? You can’t conceive of that level of sadness. You’re watching it and imagining it and it’s just horrific. Tom was there going, ”We should do something.” ”Okey-dokey! What are you gonna suggest?” What we suggested, what Tom suggested… We were sat there going, ”This is horrific, this is bad.” Tom went, ”We should get together, everyone who’s decent in the world. ”We should show her all the things she’s missed.” Imagine that. Like a conveyer belt of kindness. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? People turning up, ”This happened to me in 1995, thought you’d like it.” ”I seen this in 1987, take a bit of that.” ”This is Nelson Mandela. Tell her your story.” Just fill her full of joy and love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful? This conveyor belt of fucking hope. l was there going, ”That is a remarkable idea. But what would we show her?” And Tom went, ”You know what we’d show her. ”We’d re-enact the story.” Everyone has that, don’t they? You know that one moment? Like vapour funny, you know? You’re sometimes on a train and your brain goes, ”Remember this.” You’re like, ”Yeah, two years ago.” [Chuckles] ”That was fucking brilliant!”

It happened to me when I was 17. I was not very cool aged 17, l was having… Cos when I was 17 I was having one of those chats where, all the time… ”What would you rather be, deaf or blind?” ”I dunno, that’s difficult.” ”Would you rather have like a chocolate face or bread for feet?” ”Russell, if you had no arms and no legs but really long anal hair, ”would you lower it down over the side of a cliff if l was in peril?” [Laughter] ”Slightly different from the other questions you’ve asked.” But l had quite a plentiful bush. I went, ”I’d help you.” Now, at this moment my friend Ritchie lit my anal hair. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that happen to you but that is pain beyond pain. I’d leap to the floor, patting my arse like that. My mates leg it. My friend Rob’s mum comes home to find me… She’s called Mrs Miller, she comes home, she finds me on the kitchen floor, on her kitchen floor like a meIting wookie and she is not happy. ”ls that any way to behave?!” She doesn’t know it’s been done to me. She thinks I’ve done it to myself and waited for her. ”You little pervert! I’ve seen you with your lazy eyes looking at my jubblies, ”and now I come home to find you on my kitchen floor with your arse on fire ”wanting me to look up your arse, you little bastard!” ”You’ve misunderstood! You’ve misunderstood!” Horrific moment in life. l wasn’t allowed round Rob’s house for a fuckin’ long time! Six months later, Rob’s having a party, ”Come round.” I think, ”I’ll come round.” We’re in the middle of this party, it’s fairly rubbish. ”Is there gonna be girls there?” There’s no girls, there never were. In the middle of this, there are people passed out, there’s about seven of us and my friend Tom goes, ”Russ, let’s go upstairs. ”We could go upstairs. ”We’ll put on Mrs Miller’s swimming costume.” [Laughter] ”We’ll put it on backwards and we’ll pretend we’re wrestlers.” Do you know, I honestly remember looking at him thinking, ”You genius!” You should have seen us. God, I’ve never run so fast in my life. We were up there, talcum powder, giving ourselves names, padding our way downstairs, we knew this was gonna be the greatest moment of our life. [Giggles] We got to the door, Tom goes, ”You go ahead, I’ve got something special planned.” I thought, ”You idiot. This is my moment.” I adjusted myself, leapt into the room, sure enough… ”Is that any way to behave?! ”Is that my nightie?” I was wearing it as a cape. What l should have said is, ”It is, I made a mistake, I’m so sorry, ”a thousand apologies, I’ll never do this again.” I didn’t say that cos I was cocky, I was 16 and l was pissed. l went, ”Yeah, do you want to wrestle?” Now… – the noise… – [Applause] She was shouting at me. She was very angry, shouting at me, I’m cowering. All of a sudden my friend Tom leaps into the room and I am well and truly saved. Because, evidently, this creative little weirdo had found some boot polish. [Laughter] That’s right, people of Brighton and people at home, my friend Tom had blacked up! That’s what he’d done! [Laughter] ”What the fuck have you done?” He leapt… All of a sudden I’m fine! I’m just a cross-dresser! He’s a gay racist! You didn’t know if you were allowed to laugh! ”Fuckin’ hell! Am I allowed to laugh? ”If I do she’s gonna kill me! I don’t know what to do!” Cos where he’d leapt into the room one of his testicles had wriggled free. It was the loneliest-looking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It was like a fat man stuck in a train door! ”Is that any way to behave?!” And he looked back at her and went, ”Sometimes.” Yes! That is the story we’d tell her.

Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, what a genuine pleasure it’s been to do this. l hope you had fun. It’s been fuckin’ wonderful. Thank you very much indeed. [Cheering] Thank you very much! [Cheering continues] Thank you very much! Whoo! Well, fuck me, what fun. – [Girl] Fuck me! – OK. Wow! There you go. It’s gonna be quite an interesting encore. Erm… – [Laughter] – I-I can only… What was that? [Indistinct] That’s no way to behave? Beautiful, beautiful. You don’t want me to have sex with you, madam. Ooh! It’d be a bit… See? Look at that. I can’t… Look how… A minute ago I was all confident, ”Yeah!” ”Have sex with me.” [Groans] ”What? Yeah! Where?” [Groans] ”Right in your fanny and everywhere?” [Applause, cheering] ”I… ”I-I don’t… I don’t know if they have condoms big enough.” Oh dear. Furthermore, I have a girlfriend who l love. [Audience] Aw! [Clicks tongue] What a moment between you and me. [Chortles] How funny’s that? Me bogling for my girlfriend. You like that, baby? You like the way I move my ass? Have you seen the birds of paradise do that? It’s one of the loveliest things.

Do you know about the birds of paradise? Cheer if you do. – [Cheering] – Isn’t it great? Have you seen it? David Attenborough. When the bird of paradise likes a lady bird… – Obviously like that. – [Laughter] The ladybird, that’d be a real stretch. ”My God, what’s he doing?” ”Eight dots. I gotta do this. Can’t wait till l tell the fellas about an eight-dotter.” That’s the only way you look at ladybirds, isn’t it? ”Two dots.” [Scoffs] ”Two dots.” ”Three dotter!” But the way the birds of paradise do it, it’s amazing. What happens is, when they see a lady they like they fly over to her and suddenly they go from very normal black-looking birds to blues and yellows and greens leaping out of the man. He does a really amazing dance, he’s like that, ”Yeah, yeah. ”Green? You want a bit of green, baby? ”Like a little bit of yellow? Blowin’ your fuckin’ mind! You like my plumage? ”Hey, how about a little bit of violet? That’s the way I… Hm?” The girl could not look any less bored. She just sat there. [Groans] ”Another day, another boogie.” ”Another boogie? Well, check this shit out, baby? You like the way l thrust my thighs? ”Thrust my…” And then she flies off, right? What’s brilliant, he flies back to his mates, who are on a branch, and his mates are like, ”Yah! You do know you were being videoed?” ”Eh? ”What? What?” ”Amber’s in the hedge.” ”He’s in what? ”Oh, fuck’s sake. I was going on about my plumage. Why didn’t you say something?” ”Coke can to the face!” So, no thank you.

Any other questions? [Indistinct] Most awkward moment of my life? Er… I would argue putting marbles up my brother’s bum was a fairly tense moment. When your mother looks at you. That takes some beating. How about you? [Boy] The first time I met my girlfriend’s dad I tripped over and rugby tackled him. You rugby tackled your girlfriend’s dad the first time you met him? That doesn’t happen. You obviously thought to yourseIf, ”I’m going. ”Well, it can be a fall or a story.” And what did you do after that? Pretended I was unconscious as well. – Oh! That is beautiful! – [Laughter] Go on. Let’s re-enact it. Come up here, we’ll re-enact it. I’ll be the dad, it’ll be fuckin’ brilliant. ”I wonder where that little fucker is who’s boning my daughter? Oh, hello.” Wait! Wait! Bloody hell! Build up the tension. You nearly fucking killed me. Jesus! Don’t shoot your load straightaway. Build. Right. I haven’t even invited you through the door yet. No wonder you fucking went for him. So… Well the… Wait. [Laughter, applause] My wife and my daughter say that you’re the man who’s come round to try and win her hand in marriage. What are your credentials? Er… I got a distinction in my media product. Excellent. The world needs collages. So, I was thinking we’d walk towards each other and hug. How do you feel about that? Right, so… [Cheering] When in Rome… So we’re both unconscious at this stage. – So what happens from here? – Erm, well… – He was un… – [Laughter] He was unconscious for about five minutes and I was ”unconscious”… – Oh, you were faking? Of course. – Yeah. For about ten seconds. And then I got up and went, ”What happened?” Survey the scene. So just re-enact what happened. So, I’m out cold, right? Oh Jesus. He seemed like such a lovely boy. And here I am lying on… [Hushed] Get over to them! – [Mic thumps] – [Laughter] What happened there? [Cheering, applause] What happened? Uh… Well, as I went to shake your hand you sneezed and fell backwards, pulling me down with you and hitting your head on the floor, then headbutting me on the rebound and knocking me out. Sounds entirely plausible. – Come here. – [Applause] I am gonna take you into the house to meet my wife and daughter. – [Cheering] – Turn. It’s as easy as that. [Laughter]

Right, I think I want a girl now. – Who… – [Laughter] Where did that go? Sorry, man, that was really… That could have really hurt. Did anyone get hurt? Sorry, I was looking down your top there, madam. I came over and went, ”Oh! Jesus. Fuckin’ hell.” Well, l’ll be honest, as ever in Brighton, you know… It always ends weird here cos I’ve got to leave my DVD with people at home watching it knowing there’s a boy backstage. ”Whatever happened to the boy?” Maybe we’ll do that as a DVD extra. We’ll find out, wouldn’t that be great? He’s just chained to a radiator. At the beginning of the next DVD he’s all withered, like a Dorian Gray face, and me going, ”Ha ha ha ha! We take him everywhere.” [Groans] ”Let me see my loved ones.”

So, ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, it’s been the weirdest gig, as ever, but fuck it. It’s been a genuine pleasure. Thank you so much for coming, hope you had fun. Ta-ra. Farewell. Goodnight!


[# Kasabian: Club Foot]

# One, take control of me # You’re messing with the enemy # Said it’s two, it’s another trick # Messin’ with my mind l wake up # Chase down an empty street # Blindly snap the broken beats # Said it’s gone with the dirty trick # It’s taken all these days to find you # l tell you want you # l tell you l need you… #


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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