Roy Wood Jr.: No One Loves You (2019) – Transcript

In Roy Wood Jr.'s second one-hour stand-up comedy special for Comedy Central, performed at Chicago's Vic Theatre, The Daily Show correspondent explores some of today's most complicated issues
Roy Wood Jr.: No One Loves You (2019)

male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Wood Jr.

[cheers and applause]

If you want more people to stand for the anthem, change the song. That’s half the problem right there. It’s just the lyrics to the anthem. We can stand to any song. Patriotism is a feeling. Let’s not forget that. Patriotism ain’t no one song. As long as we stand and agree that people died for us to kick it, we can do that to any song. You can do that to Bruno Mars. What’s more American than Bruno Mars? They say America is a melting pot. Well, damn it, I want to stand to Bruno Mars. He literally looks like every race at the same time. What’s better than that? What’s more American than us standing with a Hawaiian-Mexican-white- lesbian-Jewish man… To honor the troops? Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please rise as we sing our national anthem, “24 Karat Magic.” Remove your hats and put your pinkie rings to the moon at this time.

You mad about the damn anthem. Man, please. Let’s be real about the anthem. First and foremost, the beat is wack. It don’t go hard. You love America, but you ain’t downloaded the national anthem to your phone. If you was at the club and the DJ started playing the national anthem, you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with this DJ?” You ain’t at the DJ booth, “Hey, man, play some of that patriotism shit. That’s what I like. That’s the jam.” I understand it’s supposed to honor the country, but here’s the thing people forget about the national anthem. It ain’t even an original song. It ain’t original. It’s based off a British song. It’s the exact same as the British song, and that’s what you want people to stand up for? First of all, imagine that. Imagine whupping another country ass, getting your freedom, and then to celebrate your freedom, you write a freedom song based on the song of the country ass you just whupped. That don’t even make no sense, and now you running around telling stolen people in a stolen land that they should stand for a stolen song? Come on, bro. That ain’t how the game go.

[cheers and applause]

Plus, just be real about it, white people. Y’all came at black folks the wrong way. You had bad marketing. If you wanted black people to stand for the anthem, all you had to do was tell us that it was a remix. That’s all you had to do, tell us it was a remix. Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please stand to the remix of “National Anthem,” featuring Puff Daddy and the Family and Francis Scott Key. Either that or made a dance to it. Hand over your heart. Hand over your heart. Everybody salute the flag. Like, that–black people would stand up in a minute. Man, I love doing the Freedom Slide. Don’t you like the Freedom Slide? Hell, yeah. Hand over the heart. Then you salute. Then you– That’s how you do that Freedom Slide, boy.

The anthem ain’t even the most disrespectful thing happening at a football game. The most disrespectful thing is when they bring a troop out, let us clap for him, and paint the illusion that they actually care about the veterans. That’s the real BS. Every game they do that, right. They bring a troop out, let us clap for him, but they don’t want to talk about the issues affecting the troop. They bring him out. Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to turn your attention to the field as we welcome home Lieutenant Colonel Commander Fifth General Submarine Driver–he’s braver than your bitch ass. Clap for this hero. And we clap, as we should, but do you ever notice– whenever they bring a veteran out at a football game, you ever notice we give them a round of applause. They give them good seats. The one thing they never give them is the microphone.

[cheers and applause]

You can’t do that. Just once, I’d love to see a vet just snatch the mic from the PA announcer. Ladies and gentlemen, this brave hero– can we talk about the VA and the homeless? Get the fuck– get your ass over. Now please rise and put your pinkie rings to the moon, as we sing Bruno Mars.

Stand for the anthem. You need to stand for that goddamn anthem. That’s what they tell you, right. You need to stand. Do you know how many people trying to get in this country right now? Here’s the thing. What you’re not gonna do is tell me how to voice my disapproval with something. You can’t tell nobody how to complain. That don’t make no sense.

[cheers and applause]

This is how you got to think about it. This is the only way I can try to explain and make it make sense. This is how you got to think about it. America is basically a restaurant. America is a restaurant that sells equality. That’s all it is. They serve equality, and some of y’all had some delicious equality. It was good. You had great service. And some of us need to speak to a manager.

[cheers and applause]

You telling black people to stand for the anthem, that’s the same as walking around Applebee’s, telling people not to complain about they food. How you get to dictate how somebody else complain about they situation? You may as well just walk around Applebee’s, “You need to fucking be happy “that you even in this Applebee’s. “You know how many people outside trying to sneak “in this Applebee’s? We had to build a wall around this Applebee’s.” And I’d be like, “Yo, man, you need to calm your ass down. “Get your facts straight. First off, “I was at Red Lobster, minding my business. Y’all brought us to Applebee’s.”

[cheers and applause]

Chicago, how you doing?

[cheers and applause]

That’s what’s up. Good to see y’all, man. Good to see y’all. Good to kick it in the Chi. I had to come. Had to come kick it with y’all, man. I was in them trenches with my brother U.S. Floyd, walking around. This bother intervenes with gangs in the fucking city, man. My brother’s right here in the building, man, U.S. Floyd. Now, he’s dressed like a pimp, so let’s excuse that. But in the streets on the South Side, the brother gets respect. He gets respect. And what he does is meaningful work, man. That changed my whole perspective of the world. I saw what he does every day, walking up to gangbangers who mad at other gangbangers. You know how much you got to care about the world to go calm down a stranger? Hey, man, I know something just happened. I know you’re ready to murder, but don’t murder. Hey, man, don’t murder. All right? Good job. I’m gonna turn my back on you now.

[cheers and applause]

That’s real. I don’t know what we gonna do between us and the police. This shit is getting hard. Every day, police might get called on you while you’re trying to get coffee. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to barbecue. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to mow the yard, take a nap, sell some water. At this point, if you black, the safest thing you can do every day is just call the police on yourself. I mean, the white people gonna call anyway, so you may as well take the power back. Control the narrative. That’s what I’m gonna do every day, call the police and compliment. Say something nice about yourself. Change the perception. 911, what’s your emergency? Ain’t no emergency. It’s just a smooth motherfucker headed to Walgreens. Just checking in. Red jacket, white pants. Don’t shoot me! All units, be advised, male black, Walgreens. Respond code [imitates radio clicking]

I don’t know. I don’t know what the–I don’t know what you do. Move too slow, you might get shot. Move too fast, you might get shot. Don’t move, you wasn’t obeying commands, you might get shot. Yo, at this point, like, I ain’t gonna tell y’all how to dress every day so you can feel safe, but I’m gonna start wearing a cap and gown everywhere I go until things cool off for a little while. You ain’t never felt threatened by somebody in a cap and gown, not never. Cap and gown is like a wedding dress. You see somebody wearing it, it make you happy. It change your mood. So that’s what I’ma do. Until we get some real police reform, I’m wearing a cap and gown every day with a fucking middle school diploma in my back pocket, a middle school diploma and an engagement ring. It’s gonna be the saddest story, ’cause you ain’t gonna sweep me under the rug, ’cause this is what’s crazy.

We live in a time now where if you get shot on the wrong day, you might not even make it in the news. They’ll sweep your story all the way to the back page. Damn that. I’m gonna be on the front page. If the police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader, I promise you, it’s gonna be a conversation about me. Y’all better riot for my ass. And in other news today, police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader. He’s survived by his three ex-wives and six children. Send a prayer for Mr. Charles.

Pay cops more money. Money is part of the solution. It ain’t the only solution, but it’s part of it.

Here’s the thing. We love to act like all these good cops just gonna all step up and do the right thing together. Please. Most people don’t do the right thing for the right reason. They do the right thing for the right price. It’s about the money. And don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of good cops out there, man, but not enough to effect change. You got to do something to incentivize. You got to break bread, and don’t tell me you ain’t got the money to pay cops more. Every time somebody get hit over the head, you got to pay a settlement, so take the money you would’ve paid for a settlement and just put that in the cops’ pockets, and they might care a little more.

At minimum, just set up a snitch fund. Can we do that? Okay, don’t pay every cop more, just the cops who snitch on the other cops. That’s who you pay. $100,000. $100,000 per snitch. You got police departments paying $200 million, $300 million a year. You put $100,000 per snitch– I promise you, if you started giving cops $100,000 to snitch on other cops, they would be arresting each other at roll call, immediately. You wouldn’t even make it out the police station in the morning. Put your hands up, Sanchez. I saw what you did, Sanchez. I got to get $100,000. Shit, I need $200,000. Arrest me too, Sanchez. We got to go down. Put $100,000 on it.

It’ll change everything, I promise you. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna break through that thin blue line just off of morals. Real cops don’t snitch on other cops. Real cops stand tall. You ever notice all that brotherhood, fraternity shit? It’s for jobs where you’re underpaid and nobody appreciates you, so it’s cop and schoolteacher and military. It’s firefighters– it’s all these jobs where you do dope shit, but no one respects you, so they’ve tricked you into thinking that fraternity is a substitute for currency, and it ain’t. Pay them. Give them some money.

[cheers and applause]

‘Cause here’s what happens. You start giving cops more money to snitch on each other, it’s a good-paying job. Anybody with a good-paying job knows. You snitch immediately. Ain’t no brotherhood in a job that pay you a real wage. People snitch left and right. You ever notice doctors don’t stick together? Doctors snitch on each other in a heartbeat. Every year in this country, somebody get the wrong leg chopped off, or the doctor leave a butter knife inside you, it ain’t a bunch of doctors in the emergency room talking about, “Real doctors don’t snitch on other doctors.” No. That n i g g a chopped off the leg. Come get his ass. And she gave him too much anesthesia. You get over there with the doctor with your stupid ass.

Shit, if you was giving police $100,000 per snitch, I’d become a cop. For real, I’d be the first millionaire rookie police officer. First day, snitching, everybody. I don’t give a damn. Not only would I snitch, I’d brag about it. I’d be a proud snitch. I’d be in the club, VIP, bottles, just… “Yeah, girl. What’s up?” I’d be out there snitching. What’s good, boo? You good? I don’t give a damn. It’d be a family tradition. Find out my son going to college, I kick in his door. What’s this shit I hear about you trying to get an education? You ain’t going to college, boy. I’m a snitch, your mama’s a snitch, and you gonna be a goddamn snitch. That’s right. You got to make snitching a tradition. You got to make it something flashy. You’ve got to show people that doing the right thing isn’t something to be embarrassed about. We got to make snitching great again.

[cheers and applause]

That might not be the best slogan. I’ll work on– we’ll workshop that.


But in the meantime, we protest. We do what we can to effect some change. We go out, stand tall. Which I got to say, thank you, white people. Thank y’all for showing up a little more to the protests. [scattered applause] It’s been nice these last couple years, seeing more white folks out there. You know, ’cause as a black person, it’s nice to see somebody else cover your shift. It’s a good feeling. You know what I’m saying? You be getting ready to go to the march. You see all these white people on TV. I’m like, “Shit, they got this one. “Stay at the crib. I don’t have to go walk with all them white people like that.”

Some of y’all over-protest. Y’all need to scale it back. You’re doing too much at the marches, and I know why you’re over-protesting. It’s ’cause you’re determined to show the world that you aren’t the other people. I understand that, and that’s fine, but some of the stuff y’all doing is out of line, and it’s coming back on black people. It’s people showing up to protest throwing piss balloons. Yeah, throwing piss balloons at Nazis. Which is hilarious. It’s funny. Don’t get me wrong. It’s funny to throw some piss, but it ain’t a solution-oriented activity, and most people at the march are out there for solutions. Once you add piss to the conversation, the conversation stops. And don’t get me wrong. I respect you. I respect your effort, just scale it back. You got to respect anybody showing up to a protest with a bag of piss. That’s dedication. That’s at least three days’ planning. ‘Cause you throwing piss, that’s not a spur-of-the-moment projectile. You’ve got to drink water for a couple days. You’ve got to buy party supplies. You need a funnel. You’re eating asparagus. You’re trying to get everything perfect. You know, that asparagus set it off.

This is the rule of thumb. This is the rule of thumb for protest behavior. If Dr. King and them didn’t do it in the ’60s, you ain’t got to do it now. Okay, you ain’t got to do all that extra. And if there’s anybody that would’ve been justified in throwing piss, it’s them civil rights soldiers from back in the day ’cause they was the ones getting done way dirtier than most protests now. They was getting bit by dogs, chased home, house burned, fire hose. I’m shocked Dr. King didn’t turn to Ralph Abernathy. Give me one of them piss balloons, Abernathy. We got to throw them at the oppressors. Give me another piss balloon. [grunts] You can over-protest.

They had a ten-day march not too long ago. A ten-day march. It’s too long. A week and a half of just walking. Just walking for a week and a half and they called me thinking I’ma roll with the– hey, man, we’re gonna go down to D.C. We’re marching for ten days from Virginia. Can we count on you? I said, “No, you cannot. You cannot count on me.” I’m not marching nowhere for no ten days. I’ll click the link. I’ll donate some money. You can go march on my behalf. I’m not walking nowhere for no ten damn days, and what make you think any black person got ten vacation days to burn just walking?

[cheers and applause]

We ain’t got no ten days, not even for freedom. We ain’t got ten days.

Look at the civil rights movement. Most of the key moments you can name in the civil rights movement, most of them was three days or less. Get in, get out, keep your job on Monday. Selma to Montgomery, that was two days. Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, the iconic “I Have a Dream” speech was one day. It wasn’t no weeklong extravaganza. I know you see the picture. You see all these black people marching. It was one day. He didn’t even do two shows. He did a matinee and was out. Get in, get out. I have a dream. The mountaintops, one day we gonna get to the–all right, I got to roll. Let’s get it, Abernathy. Secure the bag, Abernathy. Give me one more of them piss balloons.

Oh, man. These protests though. You want to do something really meaningful? Go to a protest that has nothing to do with you personally. That’s what we’re seeing more of. I did that for the first time. I did that for the first time. I went to a Muslim ban protest, man, banning the Muslims. This is what they don’t tell you when you go to a protest that ain’t got shit to so with you. You can just leave whenever you want. I never knew that was an option because I only go to black pro–I’m from Birmingham. All we do is go to black protests, and when you’re at a black protest, you there. There’s no leaving. You think black church long, go to a black protest. Better pack a snack and a diaper. Ain’t no sneaking off. I just left the Muslim ban. They waved. See you later. Thank you. I tried to tiptoe away from a black protest. I got two steps away from the group. They said, “Where you going, brother? The struggle is this way.” My bad, fam. That’s on me. I thought we was gonna make that left. We’re making a–okay, the struggle’s–okay, let’s go this way. Okay.

You got to respect anybody that’s at somebody else’s protest. You see a lot of that with black folks, man. Black women, man. Black women just be supporting folks, bro. It’s amazing.

[cheers and applause]

I tell you right now, you see a black woman at your march, get them a hug and $20 and cover they Uber ride home. Uber Black. ‘Cause black people would be perfectly justified in not showing up to anybody else’s march. We ain’t got to show up to your shit. If you’d have listened to us, you wouldn’t even be marching ’cause it happened to us first. Half the stuff you marching about happened to black people first. We was trying to tell you. You see a black person at a march that doesn’t have anything to do with them, that is a gracious, giving soul because black people would be perfectly justified in only tending to issues affecting the black community. We could fill our calendar just walking for black issues, from crime to poverty to unemployment to home loans. Like, we ain’t got the time, man, to be helping everybody, so when people make the time, that’s a blessing.

Why you think black superheroes only save black people? They’re busy. They ain’t got the time to save the rest of the world. That’s a luxury that only white superheroes have. My neighborhood’s great. What else is going on out here in the world? Black superheroes got to focus on they block. I watched Luke Cage.” Luke Cage is my show.

[cheers and applause]

Love Luke Cage. Luke Cage. If you don’t know nothing about comic books and superheroes Luke Cage is this TV show about an indestructible black man. The brother is bulletproof, super strength. He’ll throw a truck at you like a football. You would think with his résumé, he would be somewhere with Iron Man trying to save the universe. This motherfucker never leaves Harlem. He ain’t got the time. Whole TV show, eight blocks. That’s all it is. Luke Cage ain’t got time to be saving everybody. He ain’t even got time to go to Hell’s Kitchen to help Daredevil. That’s how busy Luke Cage is. Can’t even take the 1 line. Luke Cage don’t care about the rest of the world. Luke Cage is like, “Look, until Thanos come by the Apollo Theater, “that ain’t none of my business. Sweet Christmas.”

It’s not that black people don’t care about what you’re going through. I promise you, we care. It’s just some of us don’t have the time. Shit, black people folks ain’t even got the strength to help other black people. Black Panther didn’t even have time to help the rest of Africa. That’s how busy he was. All them powers, all them weapons, you’re telling me Black Panther couldn’t swing by South Africa and free Mandela real quick? He didn’t have the time. He was only worried about Wakanda. That’s what half the movie was about. Half the movie Black Panther was about him using his powers to help the rest of the world. He had to get his ass whupped by his cousin before he would even consider it. The whole movie, Black Panther, “Brother, we cannot concern ourselves “with the rest of the world. “Wakanda is what– [shouts] “I have reconsidered my position. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will go drink more of my magical grape soda.”

It’s not that we don’t care. We don’t have the time. Why you think you don’t see Samuel L. Jackson in half these Avengers movies? Motherfucker busy. You ever notice that? Half of these Avenger movies, Samuel L. Jackson will be in the movie half the time. Sam Jackson appears at the very end of the movie. All this shit done went on the whole movie, and then here comes Samuel L. Jackson at the very end. Good job, motherfuckers. You did it. Here’s your next mission. It’s a god from another universe that can destroy the world with the snap of a finger. Good luck with that. I got to go to a protest. Police just shot a 40-year-old eighth grader.

[cheers and applause]

We got boycotts now, boycotts left and right. Boycott, boycott, boycott. You mess around and don’t get on the Internet one day, you missed the new boycott, and then people attack you. They attack you for something you just honestly didn’t know nothing about ’cause you hadn’t been on the Internet today. That’s how I found out about the chicken sandwich and the gay marriage. That’s how I found out about that, on the sidewalk. You know, I’m on the sidewalk. I’m chilling. Didn’t know that there was an issue with the gay marriage and I’m just sitting there, eating my Christian chicken sandwich. Delicious. I’m eating my Christian chicken sandwich, and two gay men walk by, and they just look at me, look at the sandwich, and one of them goes, “No,” and just walked. And that pissed me off ’cause I thought he was fat shaming me. I’m like, “Hold on, bro. You ain’t gonna fat shame.” So I chased him. I chased this gay man, and I got in his face with my chicken sandwich. I said– [chomping] I didn’t understand what that gesture meant at the time. I just didn’t know. You know, you do better. That’s how it go.

At this point with boycotting, man, shit, man, we need… we need an app. That’s the only way to keep up with all these boycotts. These boycotts be coming down so damn fast. You can’t keep up with all these damn boycotts, man. You just need an app, just your phone. You punch in your political beliefs, and then anytime you get too close to one of them stores, your phone just goes, “Mm-mm. Mm-mm.” I’d pay $2 for that.

Food boycotts are the toughest for me. I don’t know which boycotts y’all go through, but everybody in this room done had one, at least one thing when they called the boycott, you was like– [groans] The rest of them boycotts I can do, no problem. You tell me not to buy a shirt from a store, cool. You say don’t watch the NFL, cool. I’m a Dolphins fan. I ain’t missing nothing, so that’s easy for me. But when you say food, that’s a whole nother world, ’cause only one company that I think makes food good enough to maybe, maybe navigate outrage. It’s one company I think might be close to being boycott-proof. It’s McDonald’s. McDonald’s is delicious. I’m sorry. I know some of y’all got money now. You eat hummus, so you got bread. Whatever. But don’t act like McDonald’s wasn’t the sustenance of your childhood, you ungrateful asshole.

[cheers and applause]

Like Ronald McDonald ain’t have your back. McDonald’s is delicious. This is how good–this is how delicious McDonald’s is. This is how delicious McDonald’s is. McDonald’s just recently started giving us all white meat chicken nuggets. At no point did we stop to ask what the nuggets was made of before that. We just kept eating them. It’s all white meat now? Oh, shit yeah. That’s good right there. Yeah. McDonald’s is delicious. They got that damn McRib. Some of y’all act like you’re too good for the McRib. That McRib, man. Do you know how arrogant you got to be as a company to just offer a sandwich and then just take it away when you feel like it? You be in McDonald’s, scratching. You ain’t got no more McRibs, man? When they coming back, baby? When does it return?

McDonald’s might be boycott-proof. I don’t know, man. ‘Cause here’s what McDonald’s does. McDonald’s does some smart shit that no other company does. Like, McDonald’s has figured out a way to always address issues in the black community. They always in the hood. McDonald’s got a Twitter account separate from regular McDonald’s where all they do is talk to black people. This is what McDonald’s does. This is why McDonald’s is slick as hell. McDonald’s got a commercial where all they do is just recap everything they did for black people that year. No other company does that. No other company that I can think of has the negro recap commercial every year. It comes on during black TV shows, so, white people, I’m sure ain’t none of y’all seen it, but this is a real commercial, and I’m not talking about the black McDonald’s commercial. I’m not talking about some motherfucker with a nugget talking about, “Yeah, put that love in the nugget. I eat a nugget.” Not that. This is a totally separate commercial. There’s no music. They’re not trying to sell you anything. It’s no crazy camera angles and moves. It’s just a kid flipping burgers, a little high school kid working the grill, and then you just hear a voice come on the commercial. Did you know McDonald’s and the United Negro College Fund…

[cheers and applause]

Gave $40 million to send these kids to college? If it wasn’t for McDonald’s, people like Terrence here might still be robbing your ass. Ain’t that right, Terrence? McDonald’s. It’s brilliant. It’s brilliant marketing. So the next time a black person get knocked out at a McDonald’s, they just gonna be like, “Hey, look, we sent Terrence to college.”

McDonald’s does so much with the black community, man, the boycott wouldn’t be instant. There would be a conversation. They do the McDonald’s All-American Game every year. If you’re not up on sports, the McDonald’s All-American Game, every year, McDonald’s takes 24 of the best high school basketball players, puts them in the same gym in front of pro scouts, college scouts, foreign scouts, giving them an opportunity to take their talents to feed their family and change the trajectory of their whole fucking namesakes. Taco Bell ain’t never done no shit like that for us.

[cheers and applause]

At this point, McDonald’s could just show a commercial of black people doing anything and just put a voice-over to it, and they’d take credit for it, and black people would be like, “That’s all right, McDonald’s.” It could be anything. It could be a brother just– it could be two dudes just shooting dice in an alley, just– Did you know McDonald’s gave this boy Terrence half a kilo to get back on his feet? He took that kilo and flipped it a couple of times, and now he’s got the best dope in the city. Ain’t that right, Terrence? McDonald’s.

Arby’s ain’t never done that. I like Arby’s. McDonald’s is delicious, but I like Arby’s too, man. I do. I like Arby’s. I like the commercial ’cause the commercial is just so straightforward. It ain’t no jingle. We have the meats. That’s it. No nothing else. It’s just Ving Rhames. Meat. That’s what we have. We have the meats. Could you imagine if that’s how Arby’s employees talked? This is my first time here. What do y’all specialize in? Meat! We have the meats! Ving Rhames in them Arby’s commercials sound like a fed up black father. That’s why you couldn’t even have–even if Arby’s did do shit like that for black people, they couldn’t have Ving Rhames doing the audio for the commercial. Did you know Arby’s helped this little bastard get into a college, and now he talking about he don’t want to go to college no more. Look at the camera with your ungrateful ass. We have the meats.

McDonald’s is delicious. McDonald’s so good, McDonald’s be the first restaurant black people would have to boycott one sandwich at a time. We wouldn’t quit McDonald’s cold turkey. You know how every other boycott, you just cancel the whole store. Old black lady get knocked out. One of them black leaders come on TV. It’s been brought to our attention that McDonald’s likes to punch old black people in the face. Well, until we get justice, we, the black people, will no longer be eating… the McChicken, just the McChicken, until we get answers. McDonald’s is delicious.

We don’t do enough caring for each other, man. I think that’s part of who we are. ‘Cause to me, like, we don’t even want to learn what other people are going through. Like, that’s the biggest rift is that, as a country, to accept somebody else’s truth, you got to be open to learning their perspective on their walk through this country, and people are like, “I don’t want to fucking learn.” We ain’t got time. And we don’t like learning. That’s what it really boils down to in America. We don’t like learning. To learn new stuff, that means you got to sit and read. Especially if you ain’t in school no more, you’ve got to force yourself to learn what somebody else is going through, and we don’t like learning. We hate learning new stuff. We don’t even like updating our cell phone. That’s how much we hate learning new stuff. You got a damn $1,000 phone in your pocket right now. Every week, your phone send you a message and be like, “Hey, man, if you hit this button, I’ll be a better phone.” And what we do? Fuck that. Maybe later. Ain’t got time to be learning no new phone. Just be the phone you was when I bought your ass.

We hate learning. We don’t like learning new stuff. Look at graduations. That’s all a graduation is. A graduation is just the celebration of the end of learning. That’s why we dance at the graduation. I ain’t got to read shit else. You snatch the diploma. Give me the diploma. Hell yeah. Then you put the diploma on a wall in a frame, so everybody can see. That’s all a diploma is. A diploma is just a sheet of paper showing the exact day you stopped giving a fuck about everything.

[cheers and applause]

And that’s when people go back to their diploma. Well, that ain’t how it was back in my day. See, I got a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned everything. We don’t like learning. The only thing we hate worse than getting new information is having to relearn old information. Somebody told you something was one way. You bought into it your whole life, and then on a dime, the U-turn tell you what you knew was false, and we get– [scoffs] Remember when they told us Pluto wasn’t a planet no more? People lost they damn mind. Hey, remember that planet that we thought was a planet? Yeah? It ain’t a planet no more. Fuck you, motherfucker! It is a planet! You can go to hell. It is a planet. Pluto is a planet. I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned it was a planet. I’m like, “No, it’s not a planet. It’s okay.”

We reject new information. That’s why we are at this crossroads with LGBTQIA issues and trans issues, ’cause, like, people don’t want to accept somebody else’s truth. Just kick back and just listen to what other people are going through. Learn something. Because…

[cheers and applause]

Like, it’s hilarious to me that people don’t even care about just basic, simple– like, something as simple as just calling somebody a different name. You can’t do that? You can’t do that? You just can’t call someone a different name? Somebody named Jack want to be called Jill. You can’t do that? You can’t even do that? Is that– is that asking too much? Hey, man, this person used to be called Jack. They want to be called Jill. Can you call them Jill? Fuck, I can’t call them Jill. Can’t be calling nobody no different name ’cause they feel like a lady. I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned all the genders. One, two. That’s it. Somebody named Jack want to be called Jill. You can’t do that? Meanwhile, half your favorite entertainers been performing under a fake name, and you ain’t had no problems with that. I ain’t finna call you Jill.

Meanwhile, you think Ice Cube is his real name? Really? Or maybe he just gave you a name he wanted to be called. Maybe, just maybe.

[cheers and applause]

Hulk Hogan’s real name is Terry. Let that sink in while you refuse to call a trans person what they want to be called. Sweaty-ass Hulkamania, Hulk fucking Hollywood Hogan is a n i g g a from Tampa named Terry. But you can’t call Jack Jill but Hulk Hogan– Come on, man.

We just don’t do enough caring about people, man. The only time you see Americans really come together is during storm coverage. That’s it. As far as I can tell, that’s the only time you see people really putting issues aside and helping each other is when the floodwater up to here. Ain’t no politics when the floodwater up to here. It’s just people helping people. It’s black people on the roof, white people in the boat pulling up. Get in, buddy. Come on. [imitates engine puttering] Which, sidebar, black people, we got to start buying boats. It’s time.

[cheers and applause]

It’s time. Okay? If you got people live close to the water, get them a basic-ass, get-off-the-roof boat. It ain’t got to be nothing expensive. Just– This don’t cost a lot.

But that’s how we are, man. We don’t care about people until they messed up in a group. That’s when we go, “Okay, we got to do something. It’s a bunch of them. Now I care.” We help all these people during storm relief, and it’s a beautiful thing. Every time Americans get messed up in a storm, we step up, send money, send clothes, do whatever we can, but it’s only 2 million homeless people coast to coast. We got a bunch of homeless people coast to coast in this country, but we don’t do nothing for them ’cause they ain’t homeless in a group. Yeah, we don’t care ’cause they sprinkled all over the country, which is why, if you’re homeless–if I was homeless, I would just start watching the Weather Channel… And just wait to see where the storm’s swirling and just head straight there and just lay underneath some rubble and wait for them to dig me up, and I spring up. Hey, I lost everything too. Where’s my assistance? I’m a veteran. I thought you cared about me.

We pretend to care but only as far as it will benefit us most of the time. We don’t want to accept other people’s truths as reality, because to learn requires you to face some truth. Truth is overwhelming, so it’s easier to just deny it and go, “That ain’t happening.” It’s quicker. It’s easier. Hey, men are touching us, and we want you to stop touching us. Fuck that. That ain’t happening. No, it is. It’s happening. Men are touching us. We want you to stop touching us. Well, when? Motherfucker, I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says it was okay to touch people from back when we were touching people. No, we’ve reevaluated, and much like Pluto, we’ve decided that’s a planet we don’t want to live on anymore.

[cheers and applause]

And they’re like, “No.” Fellas, if you ain’t learned shit else from this Me Too movement, I hope you’ve learned how not to apologize. You should be ironclad with your girl by now, ’cause these apologies, oh, my God, them things is rough. Did you touch that woman? [stammering] I do not recollect my recollection of the events of the evening and are unfortunate. I do not recollect. Anytime somebody use the word “recollect,” some shit went down. That ain’t no regular-ass word. Anybody who say “recollect,” that ain’t no regular conversational word. Ain’t never in your life when you arguing with your girl have you said the word. Are you cheating on me, yes or no? It’s unfortunate that your recollection does not match my recollection. ‘Cause what I’m noticing from these apologies, you see how much power these men have. Like, this is how you know they had a lot of power. It’s men apologizing for harassing women, but within the apology, telling you when they last day of work gonna be. You know how much power you got to have to get caught grabbing somebody on the ass– you grabbed somebody on the ass. Did you grab her? Yeah, I grabbed her. Then you’re gonna leave? Yeah, but I got to stay onboard with the transition team. Like, no. Go home. You don’t have to hang around. We’ll figure it out. Like, that would never happen at a regular job. If you worked a regular-ass job, they not gonna let you stay onboard. If you got caught grabbing asses at fucking Burger King, they ain’t gonna let you keep making Whoppers. Did you touch that woman? Well, it’s unfortunate her recollection does not match my recollection, but I plan to stay onboard with the Whopper team to ensure quality sandwiches for the constituents.

That’s not how it goes, man. That’s not how it goes. But, you know, these men are caught up. It’s not a lot you can do. If you get caught up in Me Too allegations, boy, you can either apologize. You can be quiet. Some dudes did it way wrong. Kevin Spacey tried to play the gay card, which that did not go over well at all. Did you touch those boys? Listen, I don’t–I’m gay. [imitates explosion] Like, he thought it was, like, gonna make him disappear. I’m gay. Like, no, we still see you. We still see what’s going on. You got to do something to try and get the sympathy, man. You see what Bill Cosby did. He went blind. That was a slick move. Almost worked. Bill Cosby played that cripple card. Did you know–did you touch those women? What women? Who?

You’d think by now, half of these men caught up in Me Too allegations would’ve had enough sense to drop a R&B album to take people off the scent. [scattered groans and applause] I mean, if you gonna be a piece of shit, do it the right way: Drop some hits. ‘Cause if you do music the right way, it gives you a little longer time to be a bad person. You know, ain’t nobody care about Kevin Spacey. Ain’t nobody getting pussy to House of Cards. You don’t care about that. But when you start accusing musicians of that stuff, people get defensive because they’re guarding their own memories, because that music is attached to something special in their life, or it brings them back to a special person in their life, so for them to reject that musician who may or may not be treating women badly, they ain’t ready to do because they’ll put themselves– they’ll put their happiness over your humanity, and that’s just what it is. Some people just don’t care. They’d rather fucking step than take a stand, you know. You got to do something though.

Ain’t but one person successfully escaped Me Too allegations, and that’s Hugh Hefner. He died, which I got to say, well played. Did not see that coming. That was a slick-ass move out of Hef. Hugh Hefner got the fuck up out of here, didn’t he? Hugh Hefner died the week before the Weinstein allegations went public. You think that was a coincidence? The playmates–playmates in the Playboy Mansion were getting ready to roll on Hugh Hefner, and he saw the opportunity and talked it over with his team and was like, “I’m out this bitch.” Mr. Hefner, there’s gonna be allegations coming out, and the women say [gibberish]. How do you want to handle it? That’s a good question. I’ll be right back. [choking and gasping]

No, ’cause here’s the thing that Hugh Hefner knew that the other Me Too men hadn’t figured out yet. If you die, all this shit goes away. It does. That’s how it is in America. If you die before the truth comes out about you–like, if you die before somebody says something bad about you, it don’t count. All you have to do is die. You know what’s crazy, you die–not only that. You die, people defend you. You have way more defenders in death than you ever do when you living. People defend you. Anybody in this room, we could die tonight. They find ten bodies at the house. They be like, “Well, let’s not talk about the bodies. “Let’s remember the good times that Terry gave us. Did you know he worked at McDonald’s before he became”–

You got to die on time. It’s the secret to life, people. People tell you all this different stuff, the secret to life. I’ll tell you the secret to life. The secret to life is knowing when to end life. You got to die on time. If you think you’re gonna get accused of doing some bad shit, you got to die on time. It’s the only way to preserve your reputation and your money. Joe Paterno almost didn’t die on time. Barely made it. Bang-bang play at the plate. Safe. He got in. Joe Paterno almost didn’t die on time. Did you know them kids was getting molested while you was coaching football? You know what, that’s a very good question. I’ll be right back. [choking and gasping]

You got to die on time. Say what you want about death, but as a crisis management tool… They went in there and talked to Hef. He was like, “Mr. Hefner, a lot of the playmates “are coming forward with allegations about you. We’ve drafted a statement.” I don’t need no statement. Go upstairs and get my casket. Mr. Hefner, you don’t have to. We can fight this. Just say “recollect” 12 times. I ain’t saying no “recollect.” Go upstairs and get my casket. Put some snacks in it. I’m out this bitch. Wakanda forever. And he just sank down into the ground.

[cheers and applause]

You have to die on time. The secret to life is knowing when to die. I don’t give a fuck. Quote me on that. Put it in a meme. When I’m dead, put my picture beside that quote. Yeah, it’s just that, to me, I look at the world, and I feel like there’s just not enough caring about one another, and if people cared more about the next man, then we would all be better. I was watching some storm coverage in Houston when the hurricanes hit, and there was these fire ants, and when a fire ant nest gets flooded, all the fire ants cling together and form an ant raft, and they just fucking float. Something that should kill them, they survive because they know they have to rely on each other, and ants periodically take turns rotating from the bottom up to the top and working and saving the larvae and the queen, and I saw these ants floating down a Houston street, and that’s when I knew there’s no hope for humans. We are a long way from being the fire ants. But we got to try. We got to try.

The media doesn’t help though. The media doesn’t help. Stuff happens in this country, and the first thing we do, we talk about it for a second, and then we argue about it, and then we move on to the next thing that happened. At no point do we stop to analyze the things and the circumstances that led up to that event, so that maybe you could have a real conversation about prevention. You know, we don’t talk about that. We don’t dig deep for that, and that’s where we are. Nobody cares enough to drive that conversation, especially not in the media. The media don’t give a damn. The media is all about ratings. Money over morals, man. Clickbait, clickbait, clickbait. Oh, that’s good. They clicked it. Ooh. They give you an article. Some shit happened, and then they argue about the shit. That’s the news. This just in, some shit happened. What do you think about it? I think it’s good. I think it’s bad. Well, fuck, I hate to cut in. Some new shit just happened. What do you think about the new shit that we just cut you off from the old shit? I think it’s good. I think it’s bad. I hate to cut in. Some new shit just happened. That’s where we are with the news. At no point is it a conversation about solutions.

I’ll give you a perfect example of this. I don’t know how many of y’all are familiar with the Facebook shooter. The Facebook shooter was– it was this guy a while back who was in a relationship with a woman. They broke up after three years, and because he couldn’t deal with the breakup, he decided to just ride around on Facebook Live, and he told her on Facebook Live. He told this woman on Facebook Live. He said, “Until you take my phone calls, I’m gonna ride around and just shoot at random people.” Yeah, and he kept his word, and this was extra bad ’cause this was a black dude, which is, like, extra stressful for us.

You know, anytime a black person go crazy, it’s stressful ’cause you got to be nice at work for the next week and a half. You know, you got to, like, work harder to improve black stereotypes. Anytime a brother go crazy, you got to come to work in a suit for the next three months. How y’all doing? This is my “not all of us are shooters” jacket. Got this at Nordstrom’s Rack. But the Facebook shooter. The Facebook shooter, he rides around shooting at people because a woman won’t take his phone calls, no reason more than that. Just a woman won’t take my call. And there was a four-day manhunt. The brother’s picture was everywhere, every channel, Food Network, Nick Jr., every, every– That’s when you know they gonna find you, when your picture is on Nick Jr. When your shit coming on between episodes of “Paw Patrol,” oh, please believe they gonna track you down. They catch the Facebook shooter three, four days into the manhunt. He pulls into a fast food spot, and the woman in the drive-through recognizes him, and she did something that I know I wouldn’t have done for minimum wage. She stalled him. She stalled him. She looked a certified, cold, lunatic in the face and said, “Sir, it’s gonna be a minute on your fries.” Would you mind waiting?” Now, I don’t know what y’all do when y’all was working for minimum wage, but I did the minimum.

[cheers and applause]

That’s maximum. I don’t do maximum for minimum. If I’m working at McDonald’s and I see the Facebook shooter through the glass, that’s my last day at the McDonald’s. Hey, I’m gone. I’ll make up a reason. I’ll make them fire me. I’ll be like, “Look, in the coming weeks, “there are some truths about me you’ll discover. “I don’t recollect her accusations of the recollect– I got to go.”

So this brave McDonald’s worker, she goes in the back and calls the police. The police roll up. Facebook shooter speeds off. Three, four blocks later, they catch up with him, and they corner him. The Facebook shooter takes his own life, which is a horrible story, very sad.

The national conversation in the media after this happened, it wasn’t about mental health; it wasn’t about gun control. It was about whether or not Facebook Live is a useful tool. That’s it. That’s all we gonna talk about? After all this shit that went down, that’s what we gonna talk about, whether or not Facebook Live– A brother who was completely sane two days earlier snapped like that and was the most wanted man in the country. You have to sit and have a conversation about mental health and what we can do to get people the help they need before they hurt other people.

[cheers and applause]

Because if you’d have paid attention to the Facebook shooter, you would’ve known that there’s a need to have a conversation about mental health. If you’d have paid close attention to the Facebook shooter, you’d have known that there is a need to have a conversation about domestic abuse and why some women can’t just leave a man because he might snap and try to kill everybody, and if you really paid close attention to the Facebook shooter, he would’ve shown you just how delicious McDonald’s is. He was on the run from the feds and still stopped to get fucking nuggets.

Good night, Chicago.

[cheers and applause]


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