Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction (2009) – Full Transcript

In this comedy special taped at DAR Constitution Hall, Williams covers such topics as global warming, sex and politics, the state of health care in the country, drugs - recreational and otherwise - and more personal topics, including his recent heart surgery

In this comedy special taped at DAR Constitution Hall, his first solo special on the network in seven years, Williams covers such topics as global warming, sex and politics, the state of health care in the country (suggesting a cash for clunkers program for elderly relatives, among other things), drugs – recreational and otherwise – and more personal topics, including his recent heart surgery.

Original Air Date on December 6, 2009

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[audience cheering, applauding]

[rock music playing]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Robin Williams!


No! Please. Sit down! Thank you! Thank you! What’s up, D.C.? Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [cheering, hooting] Wow, thank you. Mmm. Thank you. Please, I’ve had heart surgery. Thank you. It’s nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it’s handed out to A.I.G. and many other people. Now… I have the new Timothy Geithner $20-bill. It’s just been printed, kind of neat. Instead of “in god we trust,” It just says “trust me.” And it says “spend before Tuesday.” And also instead of Andrew Jackson, it has the little man from monopoly going– and I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin’s book. It is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle. It was kind of fun. Wonderful. Do you get– do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, In high school she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one? Do you think that might’ve been– she’s pretty wild. Baby, I love her. And also, Oprah– Oprah has retired– Is gonna retire her show. Please say it isn’t so! Oprah’s gonna retire her show. I hope she’s not bummed out about losing the Olympics. I hope that’s not it. It wasn’t really fair. Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle, Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow. It’s like, what? Do you think the Olympic committee was going “Oprah? Shaved pussy? Oprah, would you– okay, we’re gonna have to go this way.” And who the fuck thinks that Rio is safer than Chicago?! My God. They’re gonna have to make kidnapping and waxing Olympic events. Degree of difficulty: 5.3. [mimics ripping noises] But it is interesting. They have the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and the torch is heading across Canada right now and already in B.C. they’re lighting torches going– [choked] “we’re waiting.” Come on, you folks who just came from Capitol Hill. Come on down. Where do you go? How are you, my friends? Grab some seats. – You were caught in– – [audience shouting] What? – [woman shouts] – that’s your old boss? Did you fuck him? Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington. No. And he’s going, “no! No! She was just a page, it’s okay!” And it was weird.

In California this summer all the State Parks caught on fire which was sad because these parks are full of weed. It’s bad news. It’s like– even the guys fighting the fires are like… [laughing] “fuck! Oh my God! Make another rainbow, Tommy! Oh my God!” It’s weird. Even Smokey the Bear was going, “only you can– Shit, I knew this. Fuck.” And California weed is kick-ass fucking weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go, “oh, don’t smoke that weed, man.” It’s California catatonic. It’s the type of weed you hit it and it’s like… Fuck! Shit! I’m not doing something. What is it? Oh right, breathe! [exhales] And you get so stoned, you end up sitting on your couch for a week to the point where your cat’s going, “get up, you asshole! I’ve been eating my own shit for the last two days! I know I’m mellow, but this is fucking ridiculous!” And if they legalize it, they’re going to have to regulate it and they’re going to have to a warning on a box of joints. It’s going to have to say, “Surgeon General has determined this will make your music awesome. Even Yanni. And if you thought you enjoyed cartoons before…” and if they’re gonna have ads– they’re gonna have ads and it’ll be like instead of the Marlboro man, it’ll be the Mendocino man. It’ll be a cowboy on the back of a horse going, “shit, am I thirsty. God damn.” Even the horse will be going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am. God damn, I got a little cotton mouth here. God damn it.”

And the weird fucking thing with these weather systems– the storms right now have been fucking insane. Kick-ass tornados in the midwest. It used to be in the midwest when you had a tornado, it was like everybody get in the root cellar. Not anymore. You fuckers are like “get a video camera! Get outside! Film it, Bobby!” How’s the tornado? “it just blew my pants off. Keep shooting. Fuckin’-a!” You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing. Someone’s losing their trailer, number one. It’s like, mmm! God damn! The hurricanes have been getting bigger and fucking bigger. And they usually give them names that don’t really inspire fear. Like hurricane Terrence does not inspire fear. This sounds like a slightly gay hurricane. Where are you going? “I might go to Boca. I might go to South Beach. I don’t know. All I know is blowing is involved. Yes!” And they should name the hurricanes After the people it’s gonna be fucking with. If it’s going to Texas– hurricane Billy Ray. Come on now. What are you gonna do? “fuck shit up! That’s what goes on.” If it’s off the coast of Miami– hurricane Bernie. “hello! He took our 401k. The goniff’s coming back for the house. Move out! Let’s fucking go!” And when they named a hurricane Hurricane Ike, I went, finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Yeah! Even Tina Turner would go, “you’d better get your shit and get out of the house. ’cause Ike never does anything nice and easy. Never.” And the hurricanes have been getting so big that even the guy on the weather channel is freaked out. He’s going, “okay, let’s go to our new hurricane weather map– Fuck! This is hurricane Shavon. The map is the entire South The asshole in the middle is Dallas. Um, crazy. Back to you, Ted. I just shit myself.” And they always go down to some poor fuckers on the coast in the middle of the storm hoing, “Carl, how’s it down there on the coast?” “not bad! Seems to be kicking up!”

And then there’s always the aftermath where they interview some family standing in the wreckage of their beach house and they’re always going like, “hurricane came and tore everything up. And we had just rebuilt.” Time out. How often do you rebuild? “every year.” Why do you rebuild here? “we love the view.” Well, you may want to get some styrofoam furniture that goes up and fucking down. Some things that you can hose off maybe.

But the weird thing is, I can’t give them shit. I like in California. I live on God’s etch-a-sketch. It’s crazy. We have earthquakes every other day. And you get kind of blasé. Like, “oh, fuck. 2.5, not bad. Oh, shit! 5.8. Maybe we should have drinks outsides. Let’s go.” And they always talk about the big one. I was in a 7.5 earthquake. That was a “fuck me” moment. That was a– [screams] And they went, “that was not the big one.” Really? Well, what will the big one be? “well, in the big one, if there is the big earthquake, Nevada will be wine country, number one.” And when will the big one be? “well, we have a window of opportunity.” Well, what will that be? “could be tomorrow… or 10,000 years from now.” Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up.

The only warning you have is if your cat is spread-eagle in the doorway like– [howls] get the fuck out. And if your parrot starts going, “pack the car! Pack the car! Food and water! Food and water!” Also, if you have a parrot, do not leave them in the bedroom. They hear everything. All of the sudden you’ll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will go “not the ass.” whoa-ho-ho! Petey! [chuckles] he’s been watching porn again. “fuck me, Teddy! Fuck me hard!” Honey, who’s Teddy? Hmm.

And the weird thing is you try and do your part to reduce your carbon footprint. And if you have a hybrid, God bless you, sweet cars. But especially if you drive them outside a major city, you get into little cities especially in the South, it becomes kind of interesting. you pull into a small gas station, it’s like, “what the fuck is this? Bobby, get over here. It’s one of them new inbreds! Look at this motherfucker. Shit, looks like Volkswagen fucked a golf cart. God damn. I did not hear you come in. You may want to put some cards in the spokes of your wheels so you make some fucking noise.” That’s why there’s not gonna be any NASCAR hybrid race. A NASCAR hybrid race would be like, “here they come.” [blowing softly] And I love the guys who say, “I watch NASCAR for the racing.” Yeah, I watch porn for the acting. You liar! You watch NASCAR to see team viagra spin out in flames and the guy get out with his pubes on fire going, “I’m okay!” And there was a guy in the South who said, “they should have NASCAR in the Olympics.” And it was like, mm-hmm. At that moment ever Darwin was going, “come with me.” This is the ascent of man. You stand here. But it’s weird too. If you recycle, God bless you. You recycle, good for you, congratulations. But if you recycle, there is one group who is really pissed off. That group are the raccoons. They are going through your recycling like, [irish accent] “what the fuck is this shit? Where are the hefty bags? The piñata of life that used to feed an entire fucking family? This is glass and plastic. I can’t digest this shit, you green asshole! I’m spreading this shit all over your lawn! I’m taking a dump in your pool too.” I don’t know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works. Now… and they’re ballsy little motherfuckers too. You turn on the light, they look at you like, “what the fuck you gonna do? I got a skunk as backup. Don’t make me call him.” And they’ve got those little jazz paws. “jazz paws!” They can open doors, cabinets. I’m amazed you don’t come home and find them on the computer going, “I’m ordering shit. How you doing? The dog knows I’m here. I locked him in the fucking closet. He’s an idiot. Too late.” And the deer in California have total amnesty ’cause they know no one’s gonna cap their ass and strap them to the front of a Ranger Rover and go downtown for a mocha. They walk through your yard like supermodels with hooves. Like, “hi. Are these your roses? Oh my God, a deer fence.” [makes whooshing noise] And I love the five point buck that jump out in front of your car like, “I hope you’re insured. ’cause I’m taking you out. This is revenge for my brother who’s hanging in a bar in Tennessee. Fuck you.” And we have coyotes, which are like dogs on crack. They come into your yard looking like, “hey! I’m a dog. Ooh! Ooh, I’m a fucking dog. Hey! Psst, listen. Do you have any small animals you don’t need?” And I’m sure your cat is sitting in the back going, “I will shit in the box! Don’t send me out there. Those things eat pussy! Don’t send me out there!” [hisses] And if you have a cat a a dog… and they live together, do you think your cat mind-fucks your dog? I don’t think it’s fair. I think the moment you go to sleep the cat’s like, “Scooby!” [hisses] “yeah yeah?” “hey, Scooby, are you man’s best friend?” “oh God, yeah. I love him. I love him!” “really? Then where are your balls?” “shit, they were there yesterday. I wondered why my ass tasted differently.” “I’m just saying that’s weird. You know, I’m just saying–” [hacking] “I’m just saying that’s weird, that’s all I’m saying.” And people in California give their cats prozac. How much more mellow can a fucking animal be? But that’s California, where animals have better healthcare than the rest of the country. It’s fucking insane. And if the whole healthcare debate– If you want to know how your congressman and senators are gonna vote, we should actually– maybe they should be like NASCAR drivers. They should actually have to have jackets with the names of all the people who are sponsoring them. Wouldn’t that be cool? Fuckin’-a! Yeah, baby. Then you might have a clue to why the fuck they voted that way. “big drug company.” got it! Thank you. And I have an alternative healthcare plan. It’s called cash-for-clunkers- for-older-relatives. It’s kind of fun. You sell grandma for parts. Grandma, you’ve got two kidneys. We need a porch. Let’s do this. And do not sell grandma’s kidneys to that Hasidic Rabbi in New Jersey. Fuck. Who buys organs from a Hasidic Rabbi Going, “I’m crazy Itzhak. Come on down. I’m verklempt with values. Come on down! I’ve got kidneys. I’ve got livers. How’s the liver? Fresh! Come on down! and if you order now, you’ll get this lovely wallet made from a Hasidic foreskin. You rub it, It becomes a suitcase. Come on down! Come on down! I’m open 24/6 for you! Come on!”

And if you have an older relative living with you that has dementia, and the temarketers are calling, put her on the phone with the telemarketers.
[laughter and applause]
It works. After two hours she thinks she’s talking to your long-lost cousin Carl, and the fucking telemarketers will NEVER call back again.

And it’s weird too, ’cause I had open heart surgery which lets you know exactly what the fuck it is– open heart. An angiogram does not let you know what they’re going to do. An angiogram is where they go through your groin to your heart. And how knew that the way to man’s heart was through his groin? And the women– many women are going, “we’ve known that forever. Yes. Simple. You grab a man’s balls, his heart will follow.” And I found out I had a bad heart because they did an echocardiogram and my heartbeat was like– [mimics irregular beating] My cardiologist went, “that’s not good.” My latin friend said, “no, you could dance to that. That’s kinda cool.” And then they did the angiogram and I heard my– [blowing raspberries] I had a blown valve which makes me sound like a Chevrolet. Like what the fuck? And they started offering me choices about what type of valves I could get. And here were some of my choices: Number one– a porcine valve Which is a pig valve, which is kind of cool because you’re already inoculated for swine flue, number one. And one of the side effects is you can find truffles, which is kind of cool. I was hoping to get an equine valve ’cause then you can hang out of your shorts like, “oh my God.. Baby, I’m sorry. I just got excited.” You know? To get out of the house, you have to have a midget jump on your back going, “we’re going outside right now. How many months since the surgery?” five. And they offered me a mechanical valve which is kind of cool. I thought, maybe I can get the new Apple iheart. That would be great. It comes with 20,000 emotions and that would be– and I thought, wait a minute. if I could get an iheart, ladies, how about this? Instead of breast implants– Speakers. Wouldn’t that be cool? We’ll call ’em blue tits, they’ll be compatible with the heart. And if you can’t afford speakers, just put in a squeak toy. We’re that simple. That’d be great. A lot of you men would be going– [squeaks] “oh yeah, baby.” [squeaking] [laughing] And I’ll put a whistle in my dick so when you blow me– Whoo! Kind of fun, but… I ended up getting a bovine valve which is a cow valve. Which is kind of cool, ’cause you can shit standing up.

That’s great. Great to be here. Nice to be here. But after the surgery, you get very emotional. It’s like– it’s like weird. People go, “how are you?” [crying] God, thanks for asking. And I got so emotional, I thought instead of a valve They gave me a tiny vagina. Which is like– what? “how are you?” much better now, thank you. Mmm. Oh God. Don’t use the paddles, just rub me here. There we go. And if this is the symbol for men, Is this the symbol for women? Don’t jerk me off. I won’t. God bless. Thank you. And the surgery– the surgery went amazing. I had a doctor who had done 4,000 surgeries. All of them fucking amazing. That was great. You don’t want a doctor who’s done six surgeries, three of them haven’t gone that well. You don’t want a guy going, “let’s see what happens.” And the surgery was pretty amazing. It went fantastic. First thing to come back online, Your heart– [beeps] Great. And then your brain. Last thing, asshole. [grunts] The drugs make you so constipated, I thought they were gonna have to bring in a priest to do a rectal exorcism. Demon turd, fall from his ass! The power of fiber compels you! The power of fiber compels you! And after the surgery, they put you on a little self-medicator, which is fucking great. You’re like… [laughs] I want to thank my anesthesiologist, ’cause I don’t fucking remember his name. And the drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called propofol which is nicknamed milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking propofol at home To sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said, “taking propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you’re tired of shaving your fucking head.” It’s like, no. And do you think that when you die and you get to the other side in the afterlife They give you things you had in life? Like Michael got to the other side and it’s like, Michael? [high voice] “yes?” We have some of your things here. “really?” One african-american nose. Is this yours? “yes.” We have four others here. Are these yours? “three of them are mine. One’s Latoya’s.” But you can’t blame Michael.

We’re a heavily medicated society. All the drugs we take: Prozac, Effexor, Valium. I thought for the last ten years, we’ve been on some weird fucking drug – the whole country – called “Fukitol.”
What a weird fucking drug. And we’re just coming out of it and we’re kind of waking up.
[cheers and applause]
Fuckin’ A! It’s weird. It’s like you’re going “last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus.” Yeah! “Where’s Clinton?” We impeached him. “Fuck!”
“For what?” A blowjob. “Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?”
No! No, he got blown by a Jewish girl. “Wow! He got head from a Jewish girl? Fuckin’ A! And they impeached him for that?” Well, he lied about it. “He’s married! Who wouldn’t? What the fuck?”
No, he lied about it to Congress. “And THOSE fuckers impeached him? That’s like a group of lepers judging a beauty contest. What the fuck?”
“Wow, that’s nuts!” And then they acquitted him. “Oh, cool. And who was president next? Gore?” No, Bush. “He was already president!” No, this was his son. “Oh, the one from Florida. He’s kinda cool.” No, the one from Texas. “JUNIOR? Fuck! My God, he… the one who traded Sammy Sosa?” Fuck yeah! “How was he as president?” Kinda goofy. “Really?” He waved at Stevie Wonder.
“What the fuck!” It’s like, “Wow! And then what did he do?” Well, he took a lot of vacations. “And then what happened?” We got attacked. “By who?” Osama bin Laden. “That guy from Afghanistan? Didn’t we used to send him weapons?” Yeah, I know! “We went after him, right?” Yeah. “Did we get him?” Almost.
“Well, what do you mean ‘almost’?” Well, we went after Hussein, because he had weapons of mass destruction. “That guy from Syria. I knew that fuck would do this.” No, the one from Iraq. “SADDAM Hussein? Bush Sr. kicked his ass!” Yeah, he did! “And we got him?” Oh, fuck, we got him. “And we found the weapons of mass destruction? Cause he would tell you where they are.” Well, they executed him. “Fuck off! And did you get bin Laden?” Almost. We got four of his number threes. “Okay. But he’s in Afghanistan.” Maybe. He might be in Pakistan. “Well, let’s go after him in Pakistan!” Well, there’s a problem there. They’re allies, and they have weapons of mass destruction. “Oh, no! What about the economy?” Well, we had to bail out the banks. “Again?” Fuck, yeah! “And now, who’s the president?” A black guy. “Oh, yeah right.” Yeah, there’s a black president and a Latino on the Supreme Court. “There is? Oh, my God! Who’s the president? Jesse Jackson?” No, his name is Barack Hussein Obama. “Now you’re fucking with me!” Fuck off!

And that’s where we find ourselves today. We have an african-american, but he was not born in Africa. Even though the birthers are going, “he was born in Africa!” Yes, and his campaign was financed by a Nigerian prince on the intenet. Come with me, my friend. It’s like their worst nightmare would have been at the inauguration going, “Mr. Obama, you are now President of the United States.” [African tribal chanting] Hillary, work the booty, work the booty, work the booty. What the fuck? And you have to break his name down. It’s Barack– blessing, Hussein– we know who that is, Obama– it’s an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, cool! The moment he was elected, caucasian guilt dropped lower than the stock market. It was like a brother be going, “my man, could you spe a dollar?” I’m sorry, my good fellow, but I voted for Obama. Good fucking luck. Take care. [groans]

And now you have Michelle. Michelle– oh my God, girl, please! Mmmm! Yeah, baby, oooh! Like a combination Jackie Onassis and Serena Williams, Way to go. She is so elegant and she’s got guns too, Which is kinda cool. But you get the feeling, as elegant as she is, If you dis her man, she will fuck your shit up. Mmm! She will. She will open a can of whupass. She will go from “yes, we can” to “oh, no you didn’t.” And Obama got heckled in Congress. What the fuck is that? That would not have happened if Cheney were there. If Cheney were there– oh no. If someone had heckled “w” Cheney would be like, bam! Yeah! [mimics cocking guns] “anybody else got a problem?” Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don’t know about east coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. You gotta drop kick them then get them in the air going bam! “shit happens!” And I love Cheney at the inauguration looking like old man potter. Like, “good luck with the economy, little African prince. Ha ha ha! Take care, Simba. Ha ha ha.” And he was transforming as we speak. The last few years He’s been turning slowly but surely into Gollum. Like, “they don’t likes us. Don’t give a shit! Not caring why. Halliburton is the precious. It’s the precious.” And he’s become an archetype now. It’s the type of thing that if you want to frighten a little child, you just have to say, “if you’re not good, The Cheneyman will get you.” [cackles] Nooooo! And what’s “w” doing now? He’s a motivational speaker. Kinda cool. It’s kinda like having Lindsey Lohan as a guidance counselor. Way to go. And I love– I love the fact that they’re talking about opening the George W. Bush library, which I think, wow! That’s kind of like the Colonel Sanders Culinary Academy. Just the concept alone boggles your mind. And they’ve already talked about making it very interactive, which I think is code for “not so many books.” And I hope they have some of his great quotes on the walls, like, “a lot of our imports come from other countries.” Yes! “the question that’s never asked: Is our children learning?” Didn’t know that. “people misunderestimate me.” that’s not even a fucking word. Way to go! And you’ve got to cut “w” some slack, man. He comes from a family where the smart brother is named Jeb, number one. And he had a wicked coke problem. And why did he have to stop doing blow? Because I believe one day he was like, “shit, my mom’s on the dollar bill! God damn. Gotta cut this shit out.” And near the end of his term, even world leaders were dissing his ass. There’d be the world economic leaders conference and they’d all be up there, Going, “oh, shit, here comes skippy. Fuck off.” And he’d be up there like a kid at a graduation, like, “nobody likes me. This is bullshit. This is crazy-ass shit.” But there was one guy who treated “w” with kindness and respect. And that man was Tony Blair. Tony Blair and “w” was like the United Nations production of “Rainman.” It was wonderful. There was sweetness. Tony– Tony’d be going to “w,” “‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas. Don’t know the price of gas.” “do you have an economic stimulus package?” “definitely have an economic stimulus package. Might work. Definitely might work. Give each and every american over the age of 20 $1 million. Tax them at a flat tax rate of 10%. Gives back the government $100,000, gives each and every person $900,000. Might stimulate locally and personally. Definitely might work. Definitely might work.” “but ‘w’– ‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas.” And the definition of insanity is Repeating the same action, expecting a different outcome. We elected him the second time, the whole world went, “what the fuck is going on with you people?” But now we still have comedy though. We still have great comedy out there. There’s always rambling Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says things that even people with tourette’s go, “no. No. What is going on?” Joe is like your uncle Who’s on a new drug and hasn’t got the dosage right. “I’m proud to work with Barack america.” he’s not a superhero, you idiot. Come mere. “when F.D.R was was on television…” There was no TV back then. Come here, Joe. Bzzzt! Sit down. And then you always have Senators willing to push the comedy envelope. Like Senator Larry Craig– a guy who tried to pick up a man in a men’s room by morse code. How the fuck do you do that? How do you go, “will… You… Blow… Me?” Maybe. And… There’s always Governor Sanford. He’s a piece of work. “I’m going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail.” Where does it end? “Patagonia Oh, fuck off. And if always, if you want comedy there is always Sarah Palin. God bless. She is wonderful. Sarah… Sarah is a self-opening piñata. She is a gift. How did they find her? Was it “project running mate”? Is that how they got her? Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna White and drop it off in Alaska? And it was raised by wolves and that’s why she hunts them? “you’re not my dad. You’re not my dad.” And she says amazing things Like, “I know about Russia because I can see it from my backyard.” You have super vision, number one. I can see San Quentin from my backyard but that doesn’t qualify me on prison reform. What the fuck? And it’s incredible too. She said, “polar bears are not endangered. They’re just unlucky.” Oh, really? And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism with ambush questions like, “what do you read?” “well… Well, that’s a trick question.” Not if you read, no. You know the basic difference between her and Cheney? She shoots you, game over. She will have you gutted and standing on the wall next to Barbara Walters. In the last few days of the election she got really sexy. She let the hair down. I thought the last day of the election she was gonna pop the Prada And be like… “yeah! How do you like my northern slopes now, boys? Drill, baby. Drill, baby, drill.” And do you think the whole time she was running for office Clinton was sitting at home going, “where was she when I was in office? Shit. God damn. She is hot. Whoa. That’s a milf. That’s a mother I’d like to filibuster. Yeah.” And Bill did some good work recently. He went to North Korea, got the two girls home. Way to go, Bill. Way to go. Got them back. Way to go. Good job. But I wanted to be in the room when Kim Jong il came in the room and went, “so, Bill Clinton. You bring me the pictures I asked you for? I have on my big boy glasses. I want those pictures and Clay Aiken.” “why do you want Clay Aiken?” “you know why I want Clay Aiken. That’s how I ‘roro.’ That’s how I ‘rororo.’ That’s what I like.” And you think when Bill got back from North Korea And Hillary got back from Africa, that was a rough dinner? Hillary went, “Bill, congratulations on North Korea.” “we’ll baby, it was a happy ending. Shit, wrong words.” “come again, Bill?” “not this time, baby. Not this time.” And people got mad at Hillary that she didn’t go trailer park on Bill’s ass during the Monica Lewinsky thing. That she didn’t start throwing his shit on the white House lawn Like, “Bill Clinton, you lying sack of shit! How could you find the only Jewish girl who couldn’t get a stain out? You asshole! Damn you!” And he’d be on the lawn like an episode of “Cops” Going, “I love you, baby! Depends on what your definition of is is. And when Hillary ran for president there were a lot of guys going, “I don’t know about a woman president.” What are you worried about? You worried every 28 days She’ll be going, “I can’t talk to Putin. Not today. I’m just gonna balance my budget and watch my stories.” She’s in her 60s. She has her own global warming right now, Number one. She is one tough ass woman. And you don’t necessarily want sexy. I know when Sarah ran a lot of guys are going, “she energizes my base.” Yeah, all right. But necessarily– Sexy and world leaders, not necessarily the case. Especially with female world leaders. Throughout history– Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi– These are women you may not want to fuck, but you definitely don’t want to fuck with them. They are scary women. Oh my God. Whoo. And if you don’t think a woman can handle a military situation, ask the argentineans. They were going, “Margaret Thatcher, that crazy coño sank a battleship. She is nuts.” She was Julia Child on steroids going, “I will sink your shit right now. I will open a can of whupass on you little brown men. I will do it right now.” And you have to look at the English Royal Family and realize all that money and no dental plan. How sad. So sad indeed. But if you want sex in politics the French are always there to top everyone. The French have a president, Sarkozy, whose wife fucked Mick Jagger. Way to go. The French look at the Americans like, “top that, little puritans. Take care.” And I believe there’s one man we could run for office that even the French would go, “fuck off.” That man is Jack Nicholson. Yes! Oh yeah, baby. He’s nuts. You’ll never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone. I had Angelina Jolie and afterwards she adopted me. What? And he’s done every known drug known to mankind. He’d be the only guy in the world that Keith Richards would go, “I have to go home now, Jack. No, I really do. It’s fucking over.” Where you running, you pussy? Get back here.

It’s so weird too. If you elect celebrities it’s always not a great idea. Because in California we are a 60% hispanic state. We elected an Austrian Governor. Even old nazis are going, “that’s weird.” He has a hard time even saying the name of the state. Arnold, where are you Governor? “Caforna.” What? “Cafornaa.” And he’s married to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver, who has been getting thinner and fucking thinner and smaller. I believe he is sucking the Kennedy out of her. Shh. Slowly but surely becoming a Kennedy by assimilation. Which is kind of cool. That’s how you get a liberal Republican, which is neat. It’s like a Volvo with a gun rack. You don’t see a lot of them. And in terms of energy policies– 21st century. Stem cell research– 21st century. Immigration– Arnold’s a little old school. Arnold, how will you handle immigration? “I will build a wall.” And even the Chinese go, “that will not fucking work. They will go around around your wall. And who will build the wall? The people you are trying to fucking keep out.” So maybe you want to invent some self-picking fruit real quickly. Come with me right now. And… In California we barely balanced the budget. They were coming up with weird alternatives to balance the budget like selling San Quentin as real estate. What the fuck? Is this like, are you going to open some sort of severe spa? These are the lovely sodomy suites. Come with me over here. Don’t sit in that chair… Zzzp… Too late. Thank you. And they’re gonna close Guantanamo. And I go, what are you gonna open there? Maybe an amusement park. We’ll call is Muslim Mountain. It’ll be cool. What will the water slide be? We strap you to a board and send you head first in to a pool. Good luck. And where are they gonna send all those guys from Guantanamo? People in Texas are going, “we’ll take ’em.” Zzzp… No, you can’t– zzzp… No!

And the whole budget crisis, The whole manic recession, we’ve just come through this manic recession. Remember the banks saying, “we’re too big to fail”? It’s like saying too fat to diet. What are you doing? Remember they came to us going, “we need $500 billion”? We went, okay, here you go. A week later… “we need some more.” You fuckers are economic freebasing. What are you doing? They’re like a group of junkies who’ve relapsed and are going, “oh my man, listen. I just need some liquidity, you know what I’m saying? I just ran into some bad subprime, you know? We had some complex formulas. We just didn’t factor in greed and panic. Yeah. I just need $805 billion by Tuesday. I would not fuck you again.” My God, it was insane. In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named “made-off.” Hmm. Yes. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe? And now Bernie’s in prison where insider trading is a whole other game. The bull market is what your ass will bear, motherfucker. Let’s do this. Mm-hmm. Payback’s a bitch. Yeah.

And then the automobile companies needed help. And I thought, wait a minute. Wouldn’t it be cool is the oil companies gave a little money to the automobile companies? I know it’s like your dealer paying for rehab, but why not? Give it a shot. And now we’re trying to get off the petroleum titty. It’s like we’re trying to kick it. And how are we doing this? We’re looking for alternative fuels. Some of the alternative fuels are a hydrogen powered car. Cool idea. If you’re thinking of a hydrogen powered car, I have one word for you– Hindenburg. Good luck. A more interesting gas and a lot more fun is helium. Number one with helium, you could float over the potholes. And if you get into an accident you get out of the car with road rage going… [high voice] I’m gonna kick your ass. What? Oh my God. I’ve got a fuel leak. How weird is that? I can’t kick your ass. I sound like a chipmunk. This is nuts. Look at all the clowns getting out of the trunk of my car. Fuck off. And I’ve found another alternative fuel. And I found it by accident. I was having my morning coffee, and I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain. Number two, and more importantly, to jumpstart my colon. More importantly. The moment I have my morning coffee it’s like, morning, everybody. Fire in the hole! Son, open the bathroom door. I don’t care if you’re rubbing one out, I’ve got to drop a resume. Open the door. And even the dog is going, “he’s leaking methane!” There’s a dead canary in the corner like… And I went, wait a minute. I’m leaking methane. I’m my own fuel source. How about this for a new car? The new ford colon. How about this? Here’s the ad: Me shirt, no pants, tube in my ass. Hi, I’m Robin Williams. I’ve just had a black bean burrito. That’s right, I’m gonna drive all the way from San Francisco to Washington, D.C. Yup, the shit’s hit the fan and it’s powering my car. Won’t you join us? Fuck green, go brown. Come on. Come with us now. Another alternative fuel is ethanol. And people from the South are going, “that’s moonshine, motherfucker.” Damn right. And ethanol is pure grain alcohol. No better car in the world to drive if you’re an alcoholic. If you get stopped by the police you can get out of the car going, “officer, I’ve had a few cocktails. My car, however, is totally fucked up.” Even the cheap gas in the car is going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am a God damn tree just jumped out at me.” And Hyundai makes a car that can park itself. I’m going, where the fuck were you when I was drinking? God damn! What a great car. You get in the car a little loaded going, Shall I drive home? Fuck yeah. And before you do, blow me. And what a great new car. The new Ford fellatio. That would be a car. It gets you off before it gets you there.

And most cars now have GPS which is kind of cool. I have a GPS in my car. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was halfway across and all of a sudden the car went, “take a right turn.”
What? No can do, HAL. I’m not that depressed really. And the car went, “Really, Robin? I saw Bicentennial Man.”
Shut the fuck up!
“Damn you!”

And it’s a bitchy English voice too. It goes, “in one quarter mile, take a right turn. In one eighth mile take a right turn. There it was. You missed it, Magellan. Shall I reroute? I who has access to 12 satellites? You who doesn’t look at a fucking piece of paper?” And maybe they should have a GPS that ages with you. It becomes age appropriate. So eventually the car’s going, “there’s your turn! Hello! No no, that’s not it. Maybe the next one. That could be it. That might be it. Yeah, that’s the one. There used to be a gas station there, yeah. Yeah. Right. That’s when gas was a nickel a gallon. That’s it, yeah.” I want a Scottish GPS ’cause I think that would be an honest GPS It would be going, “there’s your turn. You fucking missed it, you idiot. Take another fucking right turn. Take one more fucking right turn Take one more fucking right turn. Ooh, there’s your fucking view. Yeah!” They say that Bob Dillon is gonna be making a GPS I want that GPS “driving down the road. Up ahead there’s a light. Very soon very soon you’re gonna have to take a right. Driving along, driving along, Driving in the land of the free. So remember to pull off, you have to take a pee. Do it now. Pull up ahead. Don’t try to stop. Oh God, oh God. Look out, there’s a cop. Look out. I’m just trying to direct you as one wealthy Hebrew.”

And it’s cool now. If you see someone driving alone talking like this… Hopefully they’re hands-free and not out of their fucking mind. ’cause in the old days if you saw someone driving and talking like… And they’re alone you go, change fucking lanes. And hands-free means hands free to talk on the phone. This does not mean find another activity for your hands, like text messaging. No no. Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
And unless you’re gonna develop an eye like a chameleon where one looks down and one looks ahead, your brain will eventually go, “I can’t do this! I am intextificated. This is insane.” And when you get out of the car take out the bluetooth, o, Seven of Nine. Join us. Come back, yes. Oh please. It’s all right. ’cause you’ll be wearing the bluetooth and deaf people are going, “are you hearing? No, you’re just an asshole with a bluetooth. Fuck you.” And then there’s always that awkward bluetooth conversation. You’re in an elevator, you can’t see the bluetooth and some guy’s going, “hi, gorgeous.” Thank you. “not you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. No, I want to fuck you. I don’t want to fuck you. Fuck you, God damn it.” The homeless people are going, “that’s my act, you asshole. I talk to people. I hear voices. I just don’t have call waiting. What the fuck?” And if you wear a bluetooth 24/7, I’m sure there are no long-term effects. [mumbles]

And thank you for not filming me with your phones tonight, Because phones now are cameras. There was a lady filming me the other night. You could see ’em. There’s a fucking red light, bitch. I see it. And I said, turn it off. And she went, “how will I remember?” I went, the old fashioned way. You will have to tell people what you saw. That you saw a hairy comedian. Because you see, it’s not big brother anymore. It’s little snitch. It’s like, I see you. I fucking see you. I see you. I fucking see you. And it’s also too weird. Because your phone– You can google on your phone. I googled the word corkscrew And it said, “did you mean cocksucker?” No. But while you’re there… And texting– the whole texting thing– I walked into a Starbucks, there were all these little girls sitting around like a cyber witch’s coven. They were like… Not saying a fucking word. Just… Finally one of them looked up and went, “I know.”

And you twitter. Twitter, or tweeting. It’s not the root word. It’s not twit, it’s tweet. Okay, cool. Is it rude to twitter during sex? To go, O.M.G. O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.? Is that rude? And is there something called clittoring where you play with the little button on your Blackberry? What are you doing? I’m clittoring. Ha ha ha! And Twitter broke the other day. Twitter went down. What the fuck happened to all those people then? Where they like, “my thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no fucking reason! What the fuck is that?” a book. [hisses] “who are you?” dad. I’m miss you. Let’s talk. When you walk into their room– my son has four screens going simultaneously. He’s got a game on here, he’s playing a move over here. He’s also downloading, he’s texting. He’s got all this stuff going and people go, “that’s A.D.D.” I go, bullshit, he’s multitasking. Fuck off. And then suddenly I’ve become my father. Your mother and I weren’t online. We did lines, my friend. I’ll tell you that. You do 50,000 hits, we did five hits. That’s how much we needed. And we didn’t have Twitter. We had shitter. That was my chat room. We had useless conversations. We just didn’t fucking share them with the world. What are you doing? Oh, you’re playing with your wii. Oh, you got a joystick. Yeah. I had a joystick growing up, except mine was fucking attached. Yeah. And it was a first-person shooter too, yeah! God damn it. I miss human contact. Even on the phone for directory assistance It’s like, “city and state, please.” Washington, D.C. “what would you like?” Constitution Hall. “did you say Kennedy Center?” No. Constitution Hall. “did you say Congressional Ball? No. Consti– and it starts to become like “The Miracle Worker.” Constitution Hall. “did you say cocksucker?” No, I didn’t say cocksucker! “would you like to talk to a person?” Fuck yes! “if you’d like to talk to a person, press one. If you’d like to talk to someone in English press two. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to someone in Spanish? Press three. Press four if you’d like to move to the next menu. Press five if you’re getting somewhat irritated. Press six if you’re my bitch. Press seven. You know you want to. Press eight, daddy. Do it. Press nine.” What are the chances of talking to a real person? “zero, press it!” Beep! Beep! Beep! [Indian accent] “hello. Did you want to talk to a real person?” Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Where are you? You’re a real person? “very much so.” Where are you? “I am on the phone with you.” What is your name? “Thomas Edison.” Don’t fuck with me, Thomas. “don’t fuck with me, Mork. I know who you are.” What? “I know about you googling cocksucker, So don’t piss me off. And I have access to a nuclear device. And I can say it unlike your former president, so don’t fucking piss me off.” Change a light bulb, change a light bulb, change a light bulb now. [imitating Chinese] China is now outsourcing many American products as we speak. You send us your cat food, we send it back to you– [gasps] sorry about kitty. We make your toys. Oh, Timmy can’t take lead? How sad for him. And now Chinese families are adopting American lesbians. Payback is a bitch. Now… China makes a lot of money off us. But we’re gonna get some money back soon because they’re gonna open a Disneyland in Shanghai. It’ll be cool. It’ll have characters like Mickey Mao. There’ll be duck Xiaoping. You go down main street– there’ll be 12 Donald Ducks Hanging upside down in the market. That’ll be cool. And there’ll be the village people’s republic going, ♪ young Mao, there’s a place you can go ♪ ♪ I say, young Mao. ♪ And before the Olympics The Tibetans were demonstrating against the Chinese. It was kind of sad too, because the Chinese accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker– it just doesn’t fit. And then California went, “we are gonna boycott Chinese products In sympathy with the Tibetans.” then they went, “fuck, they make everything.” And they even make the “free tibet” stickers, So it’s fucking insane. And the weird thing in the Chinese Olympics, Beijing– one of the most polluted cities in the world. During the Olympics no pollution. How did they pull this off? I believe they sent one billion Chinese into Beijing. Everyone breathe in… [exhales] One of my favorite events during the Olympics was women’s gymnastics, which is kind of a misnomer. These are not women. These are Shetland females. And some of the events are a little… [chuckles] like the uneven parallel bars is a bit like horizontal pole dancing. It’s like, daddy would like to watch this alone, if you don’t mind. And who invented that event? Was there some German at a playground going, “here’s my idea for girls in tight clothing– I want you to put on spandex And then spin around on the upper bar, and slam your vagina into the lower bar, spin around. Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Spread your legs and then dismount and make it look like you had a good time.” What? Weird. And they do all this incredible stuff. And if their foot goes one inch to the right, you’re fucked! And who invented the pommel horse? Was it a cowboy with A.D.D. Going, “I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse, I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse”? No. My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug-test an African distance runner. Are you on drugs? “no, I’m looking for food.” And I’m sure in Kenya There’s a chicken that runs a sub-two-hour marathon. You just won the New York marathon. How do you feel? [clucks] What did he say? He’s wondering where the Ethiopians are. One of my favorite runners of all time Was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, He carried the fucking shoes. No performance enhancement there, no way. Because always people are looking for performance enhancement. Cut to the American swim team with their new porpoise foreskin swimsuits– Full-body condom swimsuits. What the fuck was going on? These guys were shaved like a Brazilian hooker to begin with. What was going on? Was there one pubic hair like… [blows raspberry] And they put on that full-body condom– even the penis is like, “I’m in here. Help me.” But I realized the moment you do that– No nutsack drag. You’re a Ken doll all of a sudden. Are you ready to swim? [high voice] I think so. But no more– no more nutsack drag. .05 nutsack drag with this. Then you get to the end of the pool .05 faster. Why? No nutsack drag. And the French got pissed off going, “they have no nutsack drag. They’re cheating.” And Michael Phelps is on the box of frosted flakes. Then he gets caught smoking weed and then take him off the box of frosted flakes. – [man boos] – this is a failure in marketing, my friends. Listen, if you’re basically having frosted flakes and you’re older than 10 years old and it’s after 10:00 in the morning… – [laughter] – …I’m gonna guess Weed may be involved. And you can’t tell me Marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug. Fuck off. It’s only a performance-enhancing drug If there’s a fucking chocolate bar at the end of the pool. Then even a one-legged swimmer will go, “I will beat your ass.” But performance enhancement doesn’t always include drugs. Cut to miss Semenya, the South African middle-distance runner who turns out to be a he/she. She’s a hermaphrodite. She can have her own biathlon– kind of neat. But this is not new. The East Germans used to have really butch female sprinters. Olga, you just won the 100 meters. How do you feel? [deep voice] “really good Is that a penis? “no, just a very large clitoris.” Oh. And the Germans used to give their athletes pure fucking speed. They would finish a race going, “Hans, you just won a race. How do you feel?” “wonderful! But the spiders are crawling all over me again.” And the one drug they seem to have the most problem with is steroids. And there are always these poor fuckers who get caught doing steroids And they deny it, and yet they look like a Mardi Gras float. Bubba, are you doing steroids? “no.” Where’s your neck? “I haven’t seen it for a while.” What about your balls? “I don’t know.” You’re taking horse genome. “no!” No. And it’s weird too. Why would people take steroids in football When in football the object of the game is to be a big fucking mountain of flesh breaking past another mountain of flesh And grabbing the little guy and going, “tell me about the rabbits”? That’s the game. But maybe if you get caught doing steroids instead of kicking you off the team you have to take another drug like ecstasy to compensate? It’s gonna make the huddles a lot more fun. You’re gonna come into the huddle like, “hi. sorry about the long count. I just felt such love.” And the other drug that people are doing is human growth hormone. I first heard about human growth hormone from Nick Nolte who was telling me the advances of human growth hormone. He was like, “Robin, human growth hormone is amazing. It’s taking 20– argh!” He went fucking stiff as a board. And I went, “I’ll get back to you, Nick. Good luck.” Insane. But there was one guy– one guy who had an amazing claim to fame in terms of drugs and sport. His name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows– thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on L.S.D. Those who have taken L.S.D, tell the others how hard that might be. Fuck off. If I took L.S.D., I’d be talking to every blade of grass like, “sorry sorry.” To walk into a major-league baseball stadium like… the whole field is like… “fuck fuck fucfuck.” All the fans in the stadium like… the umpire walks out, it’s shiva… [chanting] The catcher steps out. Instead of a mask he’s wearing a Samurai mask. [imitate Japanese] Instead of a glove, it’s a vagina. “come to daddy!” The batter walks out. Instead of cleats, he’s got hooves. Yes, instead of a bat, it’s a cobra. [hisses] You walk out on the mound, even your glove’s going, “this is fucking weird.” The ball– “yes, I love you.” Let’s do this. “do it, daddy, do it.” [chanting] [screaming] Past the cobra, into the vagina. [chanting] For nine fucking innings? Fuck me. It’s like, wow. He should have his own black-light room at the Hall of Fame. When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” And now that I’m 58, my doctor’s going, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” And I realized my doctor’s my dealer now and a lot harder to get ahold of. And he’s always giving me free samples like, “yo, Robin, some lipitor, motherfucker. Try it out. That’s all I can hook you up with right now. I got an H.M.O. on my back, baby. That’s all I can do.” And it’s weird too– these drugs have side effects that go on for fucking days, Like tendency to grow another head. Oh my God. When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine– side effects were paranoia and ninjas on the lawn. I remember that. Quaaludes– side effects were Talking in tongues, English as a second language. I remember that. Marijuana– side effects side were laughter and frosted flakes. That’s all I remember. But now there are side effects which fucking rival the syndrome. There’s a syndrome called restless leg syndrome. What the fuck is that? A tendency to break out into a Riverdance? Like, “oh, dear Christ. Grandma’s got fucking restless leg syndrome. Take care of kids. I’m on my way to Dublin. Take care.” And side effects include compulsive gambling and obsessive sexual behavior. That’s not a side effect. That’s fucking Vegas. They should just give you a bus ticket and say, “good luck.” And how soon before they have a drug where side effects may include rectal ventriloquism? If your asshole starts talking, call the doctor or get friends over ’cause it’s gonna be a fun night. And what a great side effect for a politician. “I was never with that woman.” “liar! Liar! He’s an asshole and so am I!” And the one drug they give you that’s kind of wonderful before the surgery was viagra– A great drug, amazing, a lot of fun. After open-heart surgery– not so much fun. Taking viagra after open-heart surgery is like a civil war reenactment with live ammo– not good. It’s a duel to the death between your dick and your heart. The moment you take it, your penis is like, “I’m 25. Yes! Let’s do this!” And your heart’s going, “bullshit. We’re just back online, you asshole. Slow down. I’m gonna put a cramp in your calf. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’ve still got the hips. Ramming speed, let’s do this.” And your heart’s going, “I’m throwing your back out. Fuck off. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’m still hard. We’re going in. Yeah!” And your heart’s going, “I’m opening up your asshole.” [blows raspberry] Argh! “are you coming?” “no, I think I’m fucking dying.” And when you finally do come after an hour– And after an hour even my penis is going, “I got shit to do.” After an hour when you finally come it’s like, Argh! Agh! One drop of sperm… With two 50-year-old sperms going, “where the fuck are we? I never thought I’d be called into action. This is crazy.” I’m sure if you had a microscope, they both would have walkers, like, “keep moving. My tail is cramping, God damn it. Head towards the tits. I know my way from there.” And I’m sure there’s two othesperms in my balls going, “wait here. If she puts a finger in the ass, then we go.” Yes, indeed.

But there’s another drug– Another drug they don’t tell you is a drug. It’s a class-4 narcotic– alcohol. And the only warning they have on the bottle of alcohol is “don’t drink this if you’re pregnant.” bullshit. That’s how you got pregnant. And alcohol is especially dangerous for people like myself– Alcoholics, or you can say “ethanol-challenged,” whatever you want to call it. And people go, “now, Robin, how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?” Well, as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one– after a night of heavy drinking you wake up fully-clothed going, “hey, somebody shit in my pants.” Number two– you have a couple of cocktails and you find yourself on the freeway going, “what are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?”– number two. Number three– you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta-dah! You are an alcoholic. And some people say, “Robin, I’m a functioning alcoholic.” You can be one. It’s like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others really. And they say alcoholism is peer pressure. Bullshit. Peer pressure for an alcoholic is, “psst, come here.” And I believe alcoholics are God’s rodeo clowns. We’re the ones doing the stupid shit nobody else will do. We’re the ones coming out of chute number five on a fifth of vodka like, “yee-haw!” looking for a woman who’s going, “you’re the one.” “yeah!”

And we’re moody little motherfuckers too, ’cause we’ll be like, “Goddamn it, man, I love you. I’ll fucking kill you! Step outside, I’ll kick my ass. Goddamn it, let’s do this! Poor me. Goddamn poor me. Poor me… another drink.”

And we think we’re sexy too, ’cause we’ll come up to women going like, “hey, baby. Were your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.” And we see nothing wrong with that. We’ve got backup. If that doesn’t work, we go, “hey, sit on my face. I’ll guess your weight. Yeah!” [barks] And ladies, if you take an alcoholic home for the night, oh, good luck. You’re in for a fun evening. It’s like playing pool with a rope. Good fucking luck. He’ll be like, “I love you. [retching] I love you.” And the next morning, that all-important question, “who the fuck are you?” [bleats] “oh my God. Well, at least I’ll get a sweater. Cool. Fuckin’-a.” ’cause, you see, as an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the devil would go, “dude.” And there’s a voice that tells alcoholics we can drink. It’s the same voice you hear if you can go up to the top of a very large building and you look over the side, there’s a little voice that goes, “jump. You can fly.” Even though your asshole is going, “no, you can’t.” And if you ever thought about jumping off a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and he survived. And he said this– he said, “halfway down I thought it was a bad idea.” And some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily: Ebay– not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism– a perfect storm addiction. You’ll find yourself up to your ass In George Foreman grills and shamwows. Another thing you don’t want to do while really drunk is get a tattoo. I did. I got really loaded. I got a tattoo in mandarin that says “happiness and laughter” right here. I think it says that. I’ve never had a Chinese person that close to my balls Going, “that’s what it says.” But I had a friend get really fucked up and he got a tattoo in mandarin that’s supposed to say “golden warrior.” And a Chinese friend said, “no, it says ‘ass monkey.'” Then the idiot went out and got drunk again and got a tattoo in Hindu that was supposed to say “dawn of enlightenment.” And a Hindu friend said, “no, it says ‘deliveries on Tuesday.'” So he is not the ass monkey who delivers on Tuesday for the rest of his life. And girls, if you want to get that lovely tattoo of the sunrise rising out of your ass crack– gorgeous when you’re 20, but when you’re 50 It’s an octopus chasing a fucking starfish. So no. Be careful. And if they made a drug that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go, “what happens if you take two?” no. ’cause we have these things called blackouts as alcoholics. It’s not really blackouts. It’s more like sleepwalking with activities. Kind of strange. I believe it’s your conscience going into a witness protection program. It’s your conscience going, “you’re about to fuck a hobbit. I gotta go. Good luck.” I’m gonna leave the dick on and after an hour I’m opening up the asshole, but that didn’t stop you Tuesday. Good luck. Take care.” And alcoholics, we’re like assholes. We can’t wait to shit on everybody– family, friends. We’ll be like, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you. Fuck. I’m fucked.” And they tried to send my ass to rehab, and I went, “yeah yeah yeah.” And I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open. And while I was in rehab I read an article in “The Inquirer” about my being drunk. It was like, “that poor fuck. Oh, fuck, that’s me.” And the weird thing too about when you read articles in “The Inquirer” or “TMZ” and you’re looking at all these assholes going, “those poor motherfuckers.” And only the Germans could come up with the word for that– Feeling pleasure at other people’s misfortune. It’s called schadenfreude. And only the Germans could go, “we found the fucking word for that. God bless you.” I was once on a German talk show. And if you want to go on one, it’s a lot of fun. It’s really fun. And I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there’s not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “did you and ever think you killed, all the funny people?” [laughter] And it was– And here’s what got interesting. She didn’t bat an eyelash. She just went, “no.” At that point even God’s going, “do you get it?” German comedy: Knock knock, we ask the questions. It’s like the French production of “Anne Frank”– “she’s upstairs!”

And we have a German Pope now. How do you get a German Pope? Well, it’s a tough gig. they don’t retire the jersey like Magic Johnson. You stay in the chair to the bitter end. Remember John Paul II? It was like, [imitates Latin] in nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti. We’re lucky he didn’t have dementia in the Yankee Stadium, going, “everybody gets pudding. Chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding.” And when the pope dies, the Vatican finds out you’re dead the old-fashioned way: They have a guy come with a silver hammer– not maxwell– but he comes and he basically comes in– he basically comes in and goes, pwap! And if the Pope goes, “ahh!” “one more week! He’s got another week!” And the moment the Pope dies, they take him through Saint Peter’s Basilica and 50,000 cell phones are like… [clicking] and I’m sure that was his last wish. “when I die, I want to be a screen saver.” And then what happens? The College of Cardinals, they all go into a small dark room and the only thing that comes out is smoke. And I’m going, “what are you doing in there?” And I believe they have da Vinci’s hookah. And they’re inside getting a little loaded, going… [inhaling] “I got a crazy idea. No no no, wait wait wait! Wait, listen, this is crazy. No, wait! The last Pope was Polish, right? Yeah, no, wait– this is a good one! Hold on. How about this? No, wait, this is crazy. How about this? A Nazi!” [laughs] “no no, Hitler youth. It’s like boy scouts with artillery. It’s great! It’ll scare the shit out of the Jews. They’ll be like, ‘oy!'” And I was hoping, rather than a German Pope, they would do something cool like a Latin american Pope, man. That would have been cool, like Pope Enrique. Yeah! That would be cool. And he’d have the cool pope-mobile Like, “Ave Maria! Check it out– [scatting ]” or a Brazilian Pope, ’cause then you could have the samba nuns in the thongs Going, “come on back to the church. Come on back to the church. You know you want to come back to the church. Come on back to the church.” I’m sure the kids would go, “fuck the internet! I’m going back to church.” But it’s weird. The Vatican and homosexuality– oil, water. The Pope is always, “homosexuality is an abomination.” Time out. “you’re the Pope?” “yes.” “you’re dressed like Freddy Mercury’s stunt double. Your purse is on fire and you’re surrounded by hundreds of boys. And you’ve had kind of a problem in the after-school area.” And why is there a problem with pedophilia in the Catholic Church? Well, it’s a big deal. You become a priest– retire this. And once a week, we’re gonna put you in a small dark box and people are gonna tell you their nastiest sexual shit. “bless me, father, for I have sinned.” “yes, my son?” “last night I had sex with two Thai twins, a slip ‘n slide, a diving helmet, and a ferret.” “could you say that slower, my son?” And I believe the Vatican’s gonna come out one day and come out big. It’s gonna be… ♪ in nomine patris… ♪ [loudly] ♪ et spiritus santi! ♪ ♪ one secular sensation ♪ ♪ all the folks you meet ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ ♪ one singular salvation ♪ ♪ every word on the street! ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ And there still will be the evangelicals going, “homosexuality is a sickness.” And the same Reverend will be caught buying crack from a gay prostitute going, “we were just playing tummy swords.” And then he’ll deny it going, “I did not perform a homosexual act.” “no, you didn’t. Elton John is a homosexual act. You just blew that guy. It’s okay.” And this Reverend went to rehab for homosexuality. I’m going, “I was in rehab. I didn’t see that wing. There was no cockenders in my rehab.” And is homosexuality a preexisting condition? What the fuck?

And the other people that come out against the whole thing are the Mormons. They came out against gay marriage big time. And with gay marriage, you couldn’t even say “gay marriage.” In California you couldn’t call it “gay marriage.” It was like, “what do we call it?” “we’ll call it ‘same-sex marriage.'” And people who have been married for a long time are going, “that’s a little redundant. If you’ve been married a long time, it’s always the same sex. Shut the fuck–” What? And then they said, “we’ll call it a union.” Then the union guys get pissed going, “it’s not a fucking union. It’s not ‘local cocksuckers #69.'” And you’re going, “wait a minute, Canada has gay marriage. Do you want all the gay people to immigrate to Canada? Then they’ll win figure skating for the next 200 years! No! They’re already the nicest people on the planet. Do you want them to be the best dressed? That’s bullshit!” And the whole thing– and we talked briefly about this before– the other people that come out against gay marriage were the Mormons. Basically the Mormons– the people that used to do polygamy– they used to perfect polygamy. A Mormon giving marital advice is like the octomom Running a Planned Parenthood Clinic. And if the answer to “who’s your daddy?” is multiple choice, come with me, my friend. And who thought polygamy was a great idea? Who got married and went, “my one marriage isn’t going so well. I’d like to double down.” Fuck off, man! And if you– why would you want another strong opinion? Even if you marry a deaf and a blind girl, they will fucking communicate! And they will work out that you are the asshole. In marriage, I’ve learned this: In marriage there’s penalties for early withdrawal and deposit in another account. Remember that. And alimony doesn’t stop people. Alimony– look at a guy. You could call it all the money and guys would still be going, “I’m in. Let’s do this.” Look at Donald Trump. He’s always going, “this one’s broken. Bring me another one. Ha ha ha!” But maybe there should be a three-strike law with marriage. If you want to get married for a fourth time, you have to give up a body part. Then that might slow people down. Like, “Bob, how many times you been married?” “four times, Robin.” “Ted, how many times you been married?” [garbled] “five times, Robin. Five times.” Larry King would just be a fucking head on a stick. And… You talk about intelligent design– look at the human body. It’s waste-processing plant Near a recreation area. How intelligent is that? And they say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was the guy going, “Tom, do you have those designs For the human reproductive system?” “I do, Ted. Let’s show you what we came up with. Normally with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to something different for the mammal– The male penis for the human. We call it ‘the collapsible.’ kind of fun. And look at this: Murray came up with the idea of making the covering optional. Thank you, Murray. Way to go. When we take the covering off, it’s a little sharp, a little pointy. We need something on the top to soften it up. Bob, what was your idea?” “a mushroom cap.” “thank you, Bob. We put the mushroom cap on the top and it’s kind of a tool ’cause when it’s retracted, it looks like a little toad stool and when it’s erect like a little soldier– thank you. And Tim put a piece of sting up at the top. Thank you, Tim. I guess to tune it. Thank you, Tim. And we run the semen out the top and urine through– We also run urine through there. We call it multitasking, or ‘coming and going.’ Kind of a fun concept. And initially we just had the sperm stored inside the penis itself like a toothpaste tube– pbbt! Gone. So we need something to store it in and produce it. What was your idea, Carl?” “nuts.” “thank you, Carl. Initially we used walnuts. We’ve had good luck with those in the past.” And the human males are going, “we can’t sneak up on the females.” “what do you mean? Listen.” [clucking] “got it. Forget the coconuts. Let’s try something different! Bob, what was your idea to replace them?” “balls.” “balls! That’s it. Who doesn’t like balls? What fun. Initially we used three balls, and here’s some of the tests with the three balls. They were going everywhere. The male was, like, playing with the balls, playing with the balls. And we went, ‘we’d better put those in a bag.’ So we decided to make a bag and the only thing we had lying around was some old turkey neck. I said, ‘use it! Let’s try it.’ So… We put the balls in the turkey neck and, um… it’s ugly. I think… Yeah. Next to the asshole, it’s one of the uglier things we made, really. And we got some negative feedback from the females who were going, ‘we’re not going down there unless you cover that up!’ ‘okay!’ so we put some garnish around it. And initially we made the hair straight. The females: ‘my eyes!’ ‘okay.’ Curly! We put curly hair. And initially we put the hair everywhere– even the top of the penis. And it looked like my uncle Phil. Like, ‘hey, how are you?’ So we just went with a topiary thing, which was kind of fun. And then the females went, ‘we’ll go down there now.’ Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Which is cool because you can start the penis orally– thank you; Manually– thank you, Manuel, for finding that out; finger in the ass– Ted found that out. He said it was an accident. Kidder. And if you play with the balls, the penis likes that. It’s kind of fun. But we did find out a negative thing about the balls. If you hit them really hard, it’s a total system reset. It’s like… if it was a slot machine, it would pay. It was kind of rough. But that’s essentially the design for the penis. Initially we gave the male about 800 sperms and those were gone in a millisecond. And now we give him 8 to 9 billion, and he shoots them everywhere: tits, drapes. We found some on the ceiling. Those are the overachievers. We hope some make it to the vagina. In terms of the vagina, Carl’s in charge of the vagina project. Carl, what did you come up with?” “well, normally with the mammal vagina, you have the genital slit or opening. We decided to accessorize it.” “what did you accessorize it with, Carl?” “curtains. We just thought it makes it less of an opening and more of a show, really. Kind of– we had some old lips lying around. We said, ‘try those! Let’s give it a go.’ And initially we made it horizontal, and… the damn thing talked. It was weird. And the first time it talked, the males were going, ‘I’m not going down there if it talks! I’ve already got one opinion down here! I don’t need a second one!’ Fine. So now we made it vertical and now it just farts. So– and the first time it went, it was like… [neighs ]. ‘easy, big fella.’ And the asshole got offended, saying, ‘that’s my job!’ ‘okay, hold on. Yours will smell. Not to worry. Not to worry.’ But we needed something kind of special– one last little thing that would really work. And Clint came up with a brilliant idea. And I think we’re gonna name it– it’s kind of wonderful. Clint, what was your idea?” “a doorbell.” “thank you, Clint. You ring the doorbell, the curtains open. It’s kind of fun. Some guys can’t find it. Others don’t know when to stop ringing it. But you ring the doorbell, the curtains open, the penis goes inside. And Tom worked out some choreography for the balls that’s kind of fun. That’s really… it gets everything ready to go. And the sperms fly out up into the human female. She carries the egg. Normally we gave it– we tried first giving the egg to the male. He kept losing it. And we went, ‘fine.’ We gave it to the female. She carries it. And then we thought, ‘the male will be in charge of feeding the infant.’ We gave the human male two breasts. And the male is like, ‘ha!’ ‘okay, nipples. That’s all.’ We thought, ‘the female will be in charge of feeding the infant too.’ So we gave her six breasts like a mammal. And the male was like, ‘ha ha! Ah ha ha!’ ‘two hands, two tits! That’s it.’ And so the female will, carry the infant to term’ and it will come out through the curtains. And they get wide… like Broadway. And she’ll also feed the infant. The male will assist. Ha ha! But we do have one major design flaw. We’ve tried to wire the penis to the conscience and it keeps short circuiting.” And it’s weird too– the whole thing. I mean, every since I was a little boy, it was like, The first time I was cleaning it, it went off. “I’m sorry!” And then later on it was like, breasts. “breasts breasts! Aha ha ha!” Vagina. “vagina vagina!” And by the time you get to be 58, it gets a little more difficult. “okay, here’s what you gotta do: You put a sparkler in your ass. I’ll set my pubic hair on fire. You put on a German army helmet. You jump off the couch yelling, ‘fire in the hole!’ That might work. I don’t know.” And then… If that doesn’t work, there’s always pornography. And the definition of pornography is quite simple: Erotic is using a feather; pornography is using the entire chicken, which is weird. And I’ve been watching a little bit of porn since I’ve been on the road. “a little?” shut up. That’s fine. And with porn movies, they don’t have coming attractions ’cause if it was, you’d be like, “oh, done. Thank you. Fine.” With porn movies, when you’re watching them, it’s basically, they’re an hour and a half long. And who watches an entire fucking porn movie? One guy up there going, “I do.” But an entire porn– an hour and a half long? Even with fast forwarding– fast forwarding you’re like, “ahhhhh! Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!” What? No! And the one thing you don’t want with porn is basically slow motion, ’cause it’s like, “haaa.” Prrrggh! “ahhh!” [slow groaning] And the acting– the acting in porn movies is always so bad. There’s always that one girl who’s like… [giggling] It’s not Miss America. Stay with the dick! What are you doing? And why do they always have to have such bad actors? They’re always like, “I’m going to fuck you… so hard.” Even my right hand is going, “I don’t believe him.” But there’s scripts. There’s scripts for porn movies. Somebody’s writing this stuff going, “‘I’m going to fuck you… So hard… You little whore.’ okay, that’s it for today.” And then they’re on a porn movie set going, “‘I’m going to fuck you…’ Line?” “fuck you hard, you little whore.” “thank you! I just need a moment.” And that’s fucking weird too. And there’s been porn for centuries. Was there radio porn? Was there George Burns going, “well, tea-bag me, Gracie.” I don’t know. Did John Wayne have a “Brokeback Mountain” moment of going, “well, stuffy, we’re going up the old jizzom trail right now. God damn it, here we go.” And Walter Brennan going, “oh, duke, you’re tearing my ass apart! Gad ya! I can’t quit ya! I can’t God damn quit ya!” Was Gregory Peck going, “I’m going to glaze you like a danish.” Did Jimmy Stewart basically go, “well, just play with my balls. Just a little bit. Yeah. Just dangle the twins around. And put a finger in my heinie if you’re a friend. Yeah! Two if you’re a pal. Yeah.” There’s one guy who could do porn and I think we all would watch. That guy is Chris Walken. Oh God, yes. Oh my God, he would be amazing. Chris would be up there going, “I’m… inside you. So deep inside you now, fucking you now, inside you, deep inside you now, yes, now. I came… an hour ago.” And it’s not bad enough they make porn movies. They make porn movies of my movies. They made “Goodwill Humping.” it’s okay. “Wet Dreams May Come.” all right. “Snatch Adams.” that was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, “Popeye” I would watch. Popeye would be like, “oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl, Come on now, yeah! Blow me now. Yeah. Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah. You got no tits and a tight box. Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack! Yeah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ooh! I creamed me spinach! Yeah.” Good night! [cheering] Whoo! Oh my God. Whoo! Whoa! Sit down quick! Thank you. Damn. Shoo! – Thank you. Wow. – Oooh! This is– “oooh!” wow! – [cheering] – oh! Thank you, baby! This is weird. Right now I feel like, “what are you gonna do now, smart ass? You just did, ‘ack ack!’ no, follow that. Good luck, boy.” It’s weird. Some people say I look like Bono, and I’m going, “what the fuck are you on?” But it said that Bono was onstage recently in Scotland and it got very quiet like right now. And he started clapping his hands. And he said, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. And from the back of the Scottish audience, somebody went, “then stop fucking clapping your hands!” It’s weird though. I want to do something kind of special right now and dedicate it to a friend of mine. It was a man I knew– a very interesting guy– Walter Cronkite. Incredible man. And we worked together on a Disney project years ago. [applause] And he was a very eloquent and elegant man, but Walter had another side. Basically, he liked his jokes like he liked his ocean, a little blue. So I would like to do a joke right now for Walter as Walter in his memory. [as Cronkite] a man and his wife are having sex. They’re going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise. It’s their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father goes, “I’ll go talk to Timmy.” He goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door. And little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. The father goes, “oh my God.” And little Timmy says, “not so funny when it’s your mother, is it?”

Good night! Thank you, D.C.! God bless you! Buenas noches! The peeps in the top! Thank you! May we have health care! God bless you! Have a good night! Whoo! Oh!


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