52 years old and not slowing down for a second, Robin Williams is non-stop for almost 2 hours as he tackles terrorism, sex, drugs, family, golf, drinking, cats, the gay mafia, and everything else you can think of.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams!

Thank you! Oh, please! Sit the fuck down! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

[He puts his hands on the head of a woman with peach colored hair] Oh yes! Oh yes, my little salmon-head friend!

That’s it! Good night! Thank you very much! Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front. Let’s have a cigarette, let’s relax. We’re here in New York, fucking New York! Yes! Obviously this is not gonna be your normal night of theater! This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on! So that’s the way you like it! Welcome to my lovely set which is from the musical “Fantastic Voyage”! Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees! I’m over here! I’m down here! This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America On Line… “You’ve got mail”. I hope you don’t have stocks! Welcome! Don’t be afraid! It was so reassuring the other day… George W. Bush talked to the stock market and… It must be him talking about business ethics it’s kinda like having a leopard give you a facial. It doesn’t really work! “A lot of our imports come from other countries”. No shit?! Moving right along… Meanwhile, Michael is protesting… I don’t know, baby… It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Lisa’s wedding. That for me was like, “You’re pushing the term, my man”! That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting? – “What are you doing”? – “I’m the best man”! Now Michael is claming rasism. I’m going, “Honey, you gotta pick a race first”. “What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves”? “Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for”? “You were Diana Ross. Now you’ve just left it all behind”. Michael, you’re not a freak. You’re just surgically enhanced… And you spend more money than the Vatican. If you go to Neverland, it says “You must be this high to ride Michael”. Obviously, people and the lawyers for HBO are going, “Fuck”! But how fucked up do you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, “I’m outta here, man”! If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, even rats are going, “Man, that guy’s quick”! “From the Don King School of hair processing…” He’s running for office in Idaho on the “What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you’ll be elected” ticket. Sorry, my lips just went, “What the fuck did you say”? Couple of dyslexic people went, “Thank you, Robin”! “Thank you”! We were worried about the pledge of allegiance. We were gonna say “One nation under dog”! It’s OK. I know people are going “I’ve got a cure for this”! “One nation under Canada, above Mexico”.

But then you have to the whole… There’s anthems like “Someone bless America”! On the dollar bill, instead of “In God We Trust”, “In Gates We Trust”! “Mr. Gates, when did you realize you are creating monopoly”? “Monopoly is just a game, senator”. “I’m trying to control the fucking world”. Don’t you see Windows Millennium? It’s all leading to Information Technology. Soon it will be Total Information Technology, “TIT”. And when you’re sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard. Don’t be afraid! It’s a nice day in New York, my people. NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go! Stop! OK, go on again! You’re it! Get the fuck outta here! I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like “are you OK”?. People’re back to being newyorkers like “Have a nice day, asshole”! “Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day”! But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this NY is that the ladies take the twins for a walk! Oh, yeah, the tities are out today! On a hot day all the tities are out there. And like God made them go… Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes and women running, they are going… And then they hit a breeze and “chicken’s done”! Yes! Yeah, baby! These are not like the tits in Vegas, where even God goes “I didn’t make those”! Weird tits. You know fake tits are like nazis. They don’t laugh, they don’t dance, they’re just… “I’m walking here”! I’ve seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there. Babies, lucky they don’t have any teeth becayse they’d knock them out. I’ve seen tits that are really bad, like they had the nipples on the top, it looked like Kilroy. When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like… “I’m so scared, but I can’t express it”. These are the ladies who’ve had so much surgery, they’re going “What are these lumps under my eyes”? “Those are your tits, madam”! – And what’s this? – Don’t ask, Mrs. Trotski! This is good news for you. And girls getting Botox injections…? – Look, I don’t have any wrinkles. – You also have no expression. You look like you’ve had a slight coma, but you’re beautiful. When guys say to you “Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, OK”? “Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man”. And you say “OK, daddy man”! “Then I want you to get your balls done for me, OK”? I want you to get those big old basket balls. So when you do the baywatch thing, it’s like… Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny. So you go to the doctor… Payback’s a bitch! Go for it, girls! Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre. Temperatures were like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was fucking weird! The weathermen are going, “I don’t fucking know what’s going on”! “Let’s just see what happens”. Flowers were like Anne Heche going “I’m out, I’m in, I’m out…” “I don’t know where to go”! George came back from Japan, he went “I went to the Coyote Conference” – No, it’s Kyoto. – That’s a very good car. George, walk away. And they say there’s no global warming, but right now the North Pole is a pool. It is beyond global warming, at this point it is cooking. It’s 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going, “Is it hot enough for you”? “No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagra”. “I like my old man tities to lactate, my man”. You see people in shorts and you’re going “Please, don’t wear those”! “Oh please, don’t put those on”! If you go to South West Airline they’re going, “Sorry, you’re not fat, you’re horizontally challenged”. Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats. The problem is that they are not together. And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack. People don’t mind now. We’re working our way through. All over the country you’ve got weird things. In Houston they got Enron field. “We were gonna call it 5th Amendment field but fuck…” We can’t call it “We’re fucked field”! “Arthur Anderson put in the chairs, they spin both ways”. And now Martha Stuart may become somebody’s bitch. No! Say it ain’t so! I like to consider it more like “severe companion”. If you only have one room, and I like to call it my “private space”, use the light well. You have vertical bars, don’t use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. The first time she has lunch going “You call this keesh”? Shut up, bitch! You’re inside now, you’re mine! All over things have been going good. I’ve been to Memphis, to Graceland. I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license. They’re some severe… They’re colours there that have never seen daylight. I’ve been to Nashville, I’ve heard people sing songs like “Take your finger outta my ass, cause I’m leaving you behind”! Funny ass shit people do now.

I’m sweatin’ like crazy up here. It’s HBO, cause it’s live. People playing baseball. You’ve got a good seat. Yankees are kicking again, way to go! You did a good job. It came through. Everybody’s worried about people playing baseball on steroids. Here’s one quick way you tell on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, “You’re out”! Poor Barry Bonds! They won’t pitch to him and when they do it, they’re trying to kill him. He’s like Yasser Arafat of baseball. For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan. It’s called a timeshare, like Miami, let’s try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter and Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Obviously, the people of HBO are going “Oh, fuck off”! “What are you doing, you asshole”! I’m very excited because this is my time when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man. I saw world cup, baby. There’s a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going “Uh, that’s like football without pads, right”? For the rest of the world, it’s football. For us, it’s “A strange sport, played by damaged people”. We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it. Not like the World Series, cause the French don’t have a baseball team. If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe. You know what I’m saying? What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore! The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out! We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don’t care! My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France. And every year the French go, “He is on chemicals”. “It’s chemotherapy, you little toad sucker”. Okay, he has one testicle, he’s aerodynamic. Everyone, cut off your balls. You’ll be quicker, do it! Don’t be afraid. When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it. We made it to the sixteen, baby! We’re no longer in the “Special Olympics” category. They used to see us coming “Give it to them, they’re damaged people”! Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I shoot the ball! Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like… And the fans are like… Brazilians are going “Look, I’m playing soccer…” “Look, I’m scoring”! “And now I’m kicking the ball”. Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive aggressive though. I didn’t do anything… What are you looking at? It’s not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes “Bang, motherfucker”! That’s why there are no Spanish hockey players. When a white guy takes a stick and goes… “Motherfucker, I’m going to cut you off now”! “And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, motherfucker”! “Coming in there! Goddamnit”! Sometimes guys do this weird thing… They fall down and pretend like… “I’ve been killed… I’ve been blinded…” “There’s nobody near me, huh? OK, I’m kidding”! And the referee comes over, “Yellow card”! Two yellow cards, “Red card”! Hold on, three cards, “Green card”! And the referee is so sweet, too. “What’s your name? Turn around”. “Why didn’t you call me after the Mexico game”? Not like football referees who have that “too much commercial time”! Mad white man dancing on the field! Moving away. Moving away. In the World Cup they always claim there’s bad refereeing, someone may have been paid off. Oh, shit, say it ain’t so! You’re telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off! There’s a game mafia! The mov-hand! Fairy Godfather, “Does this pistol make my ass look big”? If you go to LA, there’s a great greeting these people do, “Love ya”! “Love you”! “Hey, love you”!

The worst refereeing was in the Winter Olympics with the French judge. Once again, the French fuck with us! The Canadians, they skate perfectly. “We did it perfect, huh”! And then the Russians they come and fuck up and the French judge went, “How lifelike, they fucked up, I give it to them, eh”? At that point I’m going “Where is Tanya Harding when you need her”? Tanya would’ve been on that judge like shit on Velcro. “Give me that medal, you French whore”! “I won”! Instead we get to see Tanya fight Paula Jones in an all white trash weekend. Trailer park Tuesday! Tanya went right for the nose, “Not the nose, that’s the Clinton money”! Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fights John Wayne Bobbit. There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend. “Fuck, man, give that back! My balls are in the front row”! What’s next? “The Nixon daughters battle for the library money”. “Be there as my bitches go at it”!

At this point, even Caligula is going, “What the fuck are you people doing”? Why don’t you have Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef just kick out the jams? Cause we’ve got The Chamber, The Chair, Fear Factor. People in Texas are going “We got those shows”. “We just don’t film’em”. Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. People in Texas are going, “Shit, where’s the fun now”? Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week. It was like, “Go sit on Santa’s lap, Timmy”. And I know the definition of “retarded” in Texas is pretty wide. It’s crazy! Even the Taliban is going “You are crazy motherfuckers”! There was a guy with one leg. They weren’t gonna give him a wooden leg. He was gonna be dead man hopping. There is a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab, which is so nice! “What the fuck are you doing”? “We don’t want you to get that last-second infection”! “It’s all safe now”. You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place! What, was Amish country booked, what happened? “Come on down to Salt Lake! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955”. “Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down”! At the closing ceremony they introduced Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah. I went “Uh-uh, honey, no! They’re only a couple in Arkansas”. If you’re going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn’t him.

We’re at the Olympics once again, we’re talking about the figure skating. I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy. Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That’s not good. There’s that pairs figure skating. There’s that one very special lift. Where the male skater goes… Right here! Where even a gynecologist would go “Put on a glove, man”! Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? And I’m going “Let’s cut the foreplay,” “let’s have ice fucking, come on”! And she holds on without her hands! Even the French judge would go “I like it”! “I don’t care. I’m giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians”! “So fabulous”! There’s other kinda sexual things in the Olympics, there’s the louge, about which I have only one question. What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? “You know what? I want to dress like a sperm,” “shove an ice skate in my ass,” “and go balls first down an ice chute”. “Ya! That would be fun”. No! This is for pussies! – How will you stir? – I will do kegels! “I will flex my ass and go down the ramp”! And do not talk to me about the two men louge. I’m saying “Boys, get a room”! “Make that turn, you bastard, make it”! “Hard right, you fucker, hard right”! Pour guy gets to the end of the run “I got wood man, I’m sorry”! “You cost us the race”! “Your penis going frr was 200 of a second winds resistance”! “We could’ve won if you weren’t going brrring”! “Dolphin boy”! There’s always some horrible drug scandal. This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor… Skilor, which is like a skier. – Are you a skilor? – Yes! They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug. Like an elephant growth hormone. “Are you on some sort of drug”? “Are you taking an animal tranquilizer”? And they didn’t bother drug testing the snowboarders. “Go, go my little boys, have fun”! I guess they realized the word “half pipe” meant something.

Remember the kid who won the gold medal? He was in freestyle. – You wanna be on a box of Whities? – No. Count Chocula. A-ha! A clue, Sherlock! The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one. Number two, they said that marijuana was a “performance-enhancing drug”. Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you’re stoned, you’re lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it’s a performance-enhancing drug is if there’s a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you’ll be like… Then you’ll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, “I’m there”! Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back and he couldn’t find it. It was around his fucking neck! Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh?

They have weird sports like the Biathalon which is like Norwegian drive-by. “Get the TV, Hans”! The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. God bless you Canadian people. You’re so fucking nice, eh? It’s your only fucking sport, come on! That and a mutant form of football. “We’ve got 13 men, we have a longer field” “No, you have fun, enjoy”! Canada’s like a loft apartment over a really great party. “Keep it down, eh”? “We are nice. We have Jean Chritien, our great prime minister”. He was the only man in the world who said, “I don’t need no secret service” “If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out, eh”? “I’m Jean Chritien which versus your president, who’s a cretin”. Quebec keeps wanting to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency. It’s like a kid moving out of the house, -But I still would like to get money. -Fuck off you! Canadian money is also called the Looney. How can you take an economic crisis seriously? – The Looney is down! – Oh, how sad for you! What are you saying, eh? Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight. “Security was amazing at the Olympics”. Utah’s the whitest fucking State in the Union! An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice! – We found one! – He’s just tanned. Everybody off! The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere. All the dogs looking for anthrax were going “You go, man, you go”! Pour dogs they looked for anthrax and cocain. In the cage at the end of the day they’re going “I can’t taste my ass, I don’t know why…” “It’s my tail”! Meanwhile your cat sits over there going “You’re still an asshole, you know that”. Is it me, or are cats drag queens? The way they kinda go “Who loves Kitty”? “Are these your shoes”? Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty?

Male cats have that amazing thing, where they kinda walk around going “That’s mine”! “Mine”! “I like that too”. Thank God men aren’t like that! “Nice car, Bob. Mine now”! – What are you doing? – Just shopping! The whole anthrax thing had people going… They said “Don’t open your mail”! – Why? – There’s white powder in envelopes. “Really”!? “Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes”! “We weren’t on-line. We did lines, my friend”. “And there were ninjas on the fucking lawn, trying to kill us”! And now, there are people trying to kill us. And that’s why I bought a gas mask. I can’t even get a condom on when I want to! “Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on”. “I’ll be right with you, honey”. “Don’t go away on me now”. You’re playing “Beat the cock”. “I got it, I got it”! There’s your penis like a midget in a diving suit… “I don’t think we’re going in today, Pete”. “We didn’t make the deadline”.

Remember when they sent anthrax to Tom Daschle’s office? And they cleared that fucking place out. “Everybody out, come on”! Helmets, suits, they’re all leaving. And when the Congressman walked out they go “But the rest of you, go about your lives”. “Everything is perfectly OK”. “We’ll be miles away”. It’s like when you go to the dentist and he puts a little lead bib over your balls. He walks behind concrete, going “You’ll be fine”! How can you tell if Congress was sick? It’s night of the living dead anyway. All those old senators going “The confederate flag is just the symbol of state’s rights”. Yeah, and the swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm. When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He’s huge! You’re a Kennedy, not a Maisy’s day float, come on! Bring him down. We’re voting! Step away, boy. “I said no to the Crispy Cream”.

Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they’ve done, is PUBLICLY approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?

I know there’s a cure for bio terrorism that they sent at us. And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go, “Anthrax? All right…” “Doesn’t go with my E. cola, but fuck”! Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I’ve seen him go to a drug dealer who said “I’m out, man”! “I have nothing left”. Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolette, all of it. I just wanna know who gets his blood? Some old Swiss man’s going, “Heidi! We’ve gotta go on tour, you bitch”! “We’ve gotta pay for mixed babies”. We may all be dead and gone, Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. Keith’ll go, “I smoked your uncle, did you know that”? “Fucking crazy…”

Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes,
“I don’t know where. I don’t know when”. “But something awful’s going to happen”. “Thank you, that’s all for today, no further questions”. Excuse me, can you give me a clue? What is it, the Central “Intuitive” Agency now? Are you working with Miss Cleo?
“I don’t know where, I don’t know when,” “but somethin’ awful’s gonna happen”! “And definitely don’t marry that fat man”. “He only wants you for your money, girl”!
People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went “Fucking duh”! What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, “A-ha”! If she’s a psychic, why does she need a fuckin’ phone number? Number two, that fake Jamaican accent? If she was a real psychic, she’d be one of those Louisiana psychics going, “You gonna die”! “They have to puck your ass up” “so they can pull a place for your bike, come on now”! It’s like buying hair care products from Cher. She’s wearing a wig, you idiot! Take that abdominal thing… “Help you lose weight” “while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV”. “I’m getting six-pack abs by knocking my testicles around”! You strap that to your head. And say, “I will not buy stupid shit for no reason”!

Now we are in troubled times. When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of “Give me your tired and your poor,” it would be her with a baseball bat going “You want a piece of me”? There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel.. In Washington they had F-18s flying, air cover everywhere. In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. At Golden Gate Bridge there’s a Hummer, and I’m talking about the car. One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge. The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are in jungle camouflage. For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange. So I feel like going “Be vewy, vewy quiet”. “We’re wooking for tewwowists”. Airport security, before all this happened it was like, “Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on”. “What’s that? Oh, that’s a gun. OK, get on the plane”. You could carry a four inch blade, that’s about that long. Now, you can’t even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you’re gonna go “All right”! “Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle”. “I have a nail file. I can be irritating”. And if you have a steak or any piece of meat, they won’t give you a knife. So it’s like “Quest for Fire” flight. “Sir, you’re making a lot of noise”. The Hindu man in the back is going “Hold the bowl higher”. “Don’t be afraid to beg, use your hands.” Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends… “Take out your keys, sir”. “Tip of the iceberg”. For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. I’m sure that was his last wish. I’m sure Albert said, “Victoria, I’m dying”. “I want you to name a museum, a performance hall” “and a bolt through the cock after me”. “That will be Victoria’s Secret. Go, my darling”. “Sell little thongs to people like they had little anal floss”. And I’m talking heavily pierced. Not like Britney Spears “I’m a virgin”! Yeah and Michael Jackson is a father. Move on! I’m talking like a hoop through your nipple. You know, lady… I’m guessing! Just kinda the way your clothes are going… When you have a big hoop, what you’re gonna do? Tie up a pony? No! Or you have two. He’s and her’s towels, whatever you want! A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun! It’s interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. Why did you do that? “To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathion”. “Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy” “like the feel of cold steel on his hot rod”. “But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth” “and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba”. That’s the trade-off, my darling. You get the tattoo with a barb wire when you’re 18 and by the time you’re 80 it’s fucking picket fence. And Madonna turns into Margaret Hamilton going, “I’m dying, melting”. Here’s what you wanna do. When I was growing up I didn’t have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me! But I had National Geographic and the girls that got me crazy… You know the ones with the slinky neck going… Do that, drive your parents crazy when you come down the stairs… Or do the full ubangy go, “Mom, dad, it’s also a CD-player”. And you can take out the plate and jump-rope with your lower lip. Have fun! Watch grandma go “Shit”! Union guys going “Don’t touch it, Mr. Williams”! This shit is gonna be more precious than oil. Ten years from now, it’s already starting to happen. People going, “I got water”. “And if you want it cold, I got ice, motherfucker”.

Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five,” “we’re just gonna do a few random bag checks”. “These are totally random”. “I’m just gonna read off a few names”. “Has’N’T’Been’ Seen”? “Akeem Been’Laid”? “Have’N’T’Been Fucked”? “Judy Smith”? Fourteen arabs and a blonde…? And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going “Thank you, God”! “Oh, yes, we’re off the list, motherfucker, yeah”! “They man’s gonna be fucking with you now, Habib”. “You better learn to go orderly”.

They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady, “Why, cause I’m gonna knit an Afghan?” Give ’em to me! And the five year old kid, they’re patting him down, he’s going, “What are you doing? You’re not a priest, let go of me!”

So you’ve had a problem too, I guess. Father pats little boys down, like, “Good game, boy, good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!” They catch them, but they had the divine witness protection program. Find the priest, here’s the pedophile, here’s the priest, find the pedophile… Don’t you ask, don’t you tell, you might end up right in Hell. Here’s your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home. Isn’t it amazing? The Pope… Applause break number two. It was amazing when the Pope gathered all the cardinals in Rome and went… The only problem is, he’s dressed like Liberace’s stunt double. I have a solution, though! For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it’s like, “You know, Timmy…” “Tommy, I think…” Or the automated confessional, could be fun. “If this is a venal sin, press one”. “If this is a carnal sin, press two”. “If this is cardinal Law, please stay on the line”. “Because you have to remember, it’s not just a sin, it’s a felony”! So we have to keep track!

Right now they’re up there watching. “Hi, Mr. Ashcroft”. We’re now under the offices of Homeland Security. Tom Ridge ever so often goes, “Today is a blue day, no, orange, red”! They had to be very careful picking that name “Homeland Security”. Couldn’t say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going “That’s a good one”! But Homeland Security, it sounds like Homefront Security, which was England during WWII. Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England! There they were, Rudolph has personally… “I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite” and said “Get out of that fokker, you fucker, get out”!

And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, that he didn’t do some of his great speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did “Winnie the Pooh”. “We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land”! “Eeyore and Tigger”! And, he was fighting against Hitler! A man who recently a book declared was a homosexual, and I always thought this was a clue! That and the leather and the dancing! We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England during these troubled times. Tony Blair, a militant liberal. Over here, George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. Sounds kinda like a Volvo with a gun rack, but… Over here, Tony Blair, a man who must adress the House of Commons, which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place! – I believe my worthy opponents… – Oh, fuck off! “Shite, bollocks, you bastard! Fuck you”! Would someone remove Ms. Tatcher from the chamber? Tony said, “This heinous incident has brought us” “to the edge of oblivion…” “But our civilization shall endure”! And there’s poor W. going, “Shit, I can’t even spell that”. Cause you look at Bush and you realize it’s Bush 2.0. It’s a beta release. He came with certain bugs in the software. “This country will not be taken hostile,” oops, delete, delete, “hostage”. And you look at him and realize he has a short attention spam. “Our economy is going… oh, look at the kitty”. He kinda reminds me of the guy in college with a towel going, “Gotcha”! You just don’t want him to drive. Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift. That’s OK! Historically… You must look at it from a historical perspective. He’s George the second. The boy-king. A man we thought could only lose, but somehow won, because of confused Hebrews. Yes! W. doesn’t speak while Channey’s drinking water. Check that shit out! When everything went down, they put W. out there, but they protected Channey. Channey had an angioplasty. Most people wait ’til it heals. He was like, “I’m perfectly fine”! “I’m OK”! And there’s Ashcroft in the back, “Work the arms, you asshole”! You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man who lost to a dead man in Missouri. Choices in Missouri were John Ashcroft, Dead Man. And people in Missouri went, “I’m sorry John, the dead man scares me less than you do”. Here’s the drill for me. You know what’s strange?

It doesn’t scare me that Dubya waved at Stevie Wonder; that’s okay. Stevie’s only been blind since birth! He’s like, ‘Stevie!’ and Stevie’s going, ‘Is that muthafucka waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I’m lookin’ for him? Goddamn!’ No, what scares me is that Dubya almost died from a fucking pretzel! They have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more, to up the stakes, and the President almost goes down from snack food! Secret service are like ‘Game’s over man!’ ‘Gilligan’s down! Gilligan’s down! His own dogs didn’t care! They were licking him for the salt!
[Pantomime’s Bush’s dog licking his face]
You want a dog like Lassie, a dog who cares!
[Pantomimes Lassie giving Bush Heimlich maneuver, then barks]
What’s a matter, girl? President swallowed something, and you gave him the Heimlich?
What else, girl?
[Feeble woof]
Mr. Cheney’s meeting with the Enron people?
[Barks again]
An Enron employee, secretary of the navy?
[Barks again]
What about the Harken loan?
Sorry girl, gonna have to put you down!

Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming. Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney’s new ride. Investment pirates of the Caribbean. Your money checks in, it doesn’t check out. Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things. – Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do? – We’re gonna conduct a crusade. And everybody in the room went… Ix-nay on the ucrade-say! All throughout the Middle East… Hide the women and children and the number zero, they’re coming! And you can’t bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age because they’ll go “Upgrade. Fun”! Today’s bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday’s bombing raid. We have moved trouble from here, to here. Goat in the upper right corner, possible member of the Taliban, or “concubine”, we’re not sure. We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise missile up its ass and were successful. Operation “Extreme Redundancy” is carrying on! Then we started to drop bombs, food, food, bombs. And here’s the fun part. Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you’re playing “Survivor The Real Game”. “OK Bob, I was here yesterday… I’m gonna go for this one today…” And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, and all you need is honey-baked ham and you got a Redneck Christmas. Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims? Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number one, it tastes a shit load better than dirt. Number two and more importantly, very difficult to have a call to Jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Secondly, or thirdly, for those keeping track… Afghanistan is a hasheesh smoking culture. And everyone who’s ever been a friend of the Hooka will go, “Pop-Tarts”! Yes! Got milk? Come and get me! We’re trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that? Do we build an amusement park “Muslim Mountain” with Gadafi Duck? No! Do we have a wet burger contest? No! Do we play Cat Stevens records all day? Fuck off! Drop Martha Stuart’s tits? No! Do we have a children show called “Saudi Dudi”? No! What we must do is we gotta get a sister. You know what I’m sayin’? You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. You know what I mean, a-ha, girl? You know what I’m sayin’? One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer. Drop her ass in Kabul and she’ll go, “Girl, you don’t have to dress like a mother fucking bee keeper”! “You don’t have to be Casper’s bitch, forget all that”! “If he picks up a rock, cause you’re talking to another man,” you pick a bigger rock and say “Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker”! “He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll,” you grab a knife and say “Lorena Bobbit time”! “Don’t make me go cobra, I will go Oprah on your ass. Don’t make me”! We’re dealing with fundamentalists… The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don’t try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you’re ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse’s ass, that’s a mechanic.

Who are we looking for? Osama bin Laden, one of 52 children. Even Freud would say, “He has issues”. What does he look like without the beard? Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don’t know, I don’t care! I know this he’s a six foot five Arab on dialysis… Why is that so fucking hard to find? Look for somebody attached to their luggage. When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath. Wait a minute. We have some of our own! Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do. Ted’s played “A Beautiful Mind”, the home game. You give Ted a mailing list and some tools… Ted, these people have been bad. – Are they bad? – Very bad! – I just want a few things. – I know you do! Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks. You can’t use him. Chucky all the time comes out for parole with a swastika on his forehead. – I’m better. – In many ways, yeah. – What would you do if you got out? – I’d kill everybody. What are we dealing with? One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad. Sounds like a country western term like “jee-ha”! And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel which, I’m sad to say, is all of us, and you yourself die… you go to heaven and you are greated by 71 dark-haired virgins. Now everyone who’s ever been with one virgin is going… “I don’t know…” “For my talent portion…” Recently, there was a article in the New York Times, a Coran scholar said “The actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins,” “but 71 crystal clear raisins”. Slight difference in interpretation, really. It’s like finding out “thou shalt not kill” is “thou shalt not wear a kilt”. And the Scotish are going, “Fuck off”! Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven sayin’, – Where are my bitches? – Here’re your raisins. Or 71 Virgils going, “You got a pretty mouth”! Osama bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven, there’s George Washington waiting, “How dare you defile that what we created” and starts violating on his ass. 70 other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him. And then he’s going, “Where’re the virgins”? “71 Virginians, you asshole”! “I must talk to Jesus Christ”! “Where is Jesus Christ”? And Saint Peter goes, “Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab”?

I heard it. Finally the PCs. We crossed the politically correct line. It’s OK to beat the shit out of them, but don’t do the Ethnic joke. How Buddhist of you! Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas? What did Buddha do? Nothing! What does the Buddhist terrorist do? Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas… Self barbecue! People’re killing each other in the name of God’re going, “What the fuck are you doing”? “Making you deal with your shit”. I don’t understand the whole fundamentalist thing. I’m an Episcopal. That’s catholic light. Same religion, half the guilt. It’s frightening. Catholics have confession, episcopals have Thanks Giving, your dad has a couple of gin and tonics… “I never loved you mother, you know that, don’t ya”!? “I didn’t, dad. And she’s right there. Tell her again”. Episcopal is basicly Church of England which was Henry the 8th breaking away from the Catholic Church going, “I’m the fucking Pope now”! Then people broke away from that church, the Calvinists found him to be too loose. Then the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors, people so uptight, the English kicked them out. How anal do you have to be for the English to go “Get the fuck out”! “Take your pimp shoes and go”! And they land here in America going “Hello”! “We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol”. “Here chief, try this and once you drunk it,” “keep moving towards your feathers float. There you go”! And the Indians go “We have a gift for you”. “For us is a sacred herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen”. “Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash crop, yeah”. “Welcome to Custers. The Casino that cares”. “This is my wife, Sits-with-a-full-house”. “It is now time for the white man to get drunk,” “and we’ll get back the land you took from us”. The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them and then we got the people who knock on your door at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going, “Have you found Jesus”? You just wanna come to the door nude and go “No, help me look for him! Come on”! People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say “This was brought upon us by our sinful ways”. I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling. “One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls”. “Let’s get ready to humble”! Here’s the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be “the word”. Not translatable, not metaphorical, “the word”.

In the Genesis, “Let there be light”! Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? “No. God just went click”. We are all descendant from Adam and Eve, then we are all cousins? “That’s right”! There are miracles in the Bible. Like when Moses, and I’m not talking “Guns ‘N’ Moses”, no! Not Charlton Heston going, “Let the Jews go or the pharaoh gets two in the head”! Charlton Heston, a man who said, “Guns don’t kill people. Apes with guns kill people”. No, Chucky! The second amendment started from people going like this… And that still continues. That’s OK! When Moses said to pharaoh “Let my people go”. And pharaoh went “In your dreams”! And Moses called the God, “God, I need some help”! And frogs fell from the sky. Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going “Now”! Thank God it wasn’t the French, cause they would go “Lunch”! “You’re great caterers, I can’t let you go, you crazy people”! Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going “Get your shit and out”! I said wait a minute! That’s what we should drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not food… Fucking frogs! Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven’t seen. If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats. NY rats would be going “Hey, come on, raid”! “I eat pussy literarly. Bring it on”! Even then pharaoh was not impressed “Please, David Copperfield, no”! And then boils and then first born dies. “That’s it! Hebrews get out”! And everybody… “Let’s not wait for the bread to rise”. “Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis, we’re leaving”! Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis? “We’re travelling, people. You don’t want sand in there”. “And this is so passe! The dicky thing, forget it. Let’s move”! We’re going to the desert.
Then they get the 10 commandments, that would be adjusted later by certain presidents. And they get to the Red Sea. And they go “What now, Mr. Magic, what do we do now”? We’re gonna walk on the “fregs bocks”, the “frogs bucks”… Frogs backs! Thank you for watching me this far. Obviously, I did inhale. “What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot”? And he calls to God again and the sea parts. And even the most doubting Jew is going “You’re good”!
Let’s move, don’t eat the shellfish, I’ll tell you why later.
“Where are we going?”
To Jerusalem to start years of struggle, and then later to Miami to fuck up an election.

 And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls to his cat-like God but the cat-like God can’t do shit, cause it’s afraid of water. And then there’s another miracle. The night that Mary said to Joe “Joe, I’m pregnant”. Joe went “Holy Mother of God”! She went “You’re right”! – Oh, Jesus Christ! – What a great name, Joe! “That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go”! – I love you, Joe! – Hold on a minute, Mary. – So I’m the step father of God’s kid? – Yeah. “I can’t discipline him, I can’t tell him he’s wrong,” cause he’ll look to me saying “You’re not my real dad”. – How did it happen? – It’s immaculate, Joe. “It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate”! I’m sorry I’m transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon. Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish. You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe. We’re just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob. We could’ve had Jim Bob, the son of God. Praise to him, Jim-Bob. He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob!

Jesus was an only child. Thank God! Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?
That’s a tough gig. “Come on, Jerry, we’re going to the beach”. “Jesus’s gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them” “and get a whole bunch of disciples”. “I’ll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me”! He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going:
“Yeah, I’m Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo”! “Yeah, I healed somebody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that”! “Jesus is a carpenter, I’m a plumber. You do the math”! And people say to me Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. Working in his father’s business, his mother thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up! It’s an old tradition! And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish, for the Last Supper, would they have not gone out for Chinese?
“Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on one minute, no service, no sandals”. “OK, you come in now”. “You’re twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They’re not together”. “I got one big table by the window, but you all have to face this way”.
“You are glowing, so I guess we won’t need that lamp, that’s very nice”! “You’ve just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!”
It’s said that night, Jesus turned to his disciples, and said “One of you shall betray me”. Peter said, “Is it me, Jesus”? Jesus said, “It is not you Peter”. Simon said, “Is it me, Jesus”? Jesus said, “It is not you Simon”. And Judas said “Is it me, Jesus”? And Jesus turned to him
“Is it me, Jesus”!? Thus you see two traditions beginning Jewish sarcasm and gentile humor. Together born! The next day the miracle occurred.

Crucifixion, Resurrection, and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow another 2,000 years of guilt. Yes! For me, the one big question is how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? How do you do that one? Even kids are going “Rabbits don’t lay eggs. What is this”? And you don’t want a kid bitting the head off a chocolate Jesus. You don’t want a cream filled cross going… You don’t wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going “We’re looking for Jesus, kids, come one”! What are we trying to do? You’re trying to keep them involved. That’s why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things. They’re all there to keep your action up. And then we’re starting to lose them. Like Saint Christopher… “Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down”. “The medals aren’t selling well”. “Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you’re outta here”. “We’re gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accessories”. But I want a saint like Mother Teresa. She said “You can do only small things with great love”. And Pat Robinson said “She’s not a real Christian”! “Why? Cause she doesn’t have tag shelter and a university”? Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume… “Compassion” by Mother Teresa. “I smell, because I care. Compassion”! Gandhi never had “Gandhi Jeans”… “Whether you’re simply not eating or telling the English to get the fuck out”! “They come in size one and below”.

Gandhi was an amazing man. They asked him “What do you think about Western civilization”? He said “I think it would be a wonderful idea”. As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going “I know Gandhi. He was a prick”. “I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa”. “He kept saying Who’s your diaper daddy”? “I saw that with my eyes”. “If you don’t believe me, I’ll bitch slap you like Shiva”. “Don’t press this. Don’t fucking do that”! “Don’t go ding-dong, you asshole”! “Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend”. “I could turn this whole place into Chicken Tika”. India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. And we’re prepared to fight over Kashmir. And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole! India detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. Pakistan detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. And your spy satellites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre. They didn’t have a fucking clue. India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. China has the bomb. Or maybe they just have one billion people go “Boom”! Russia has the bomb. “We have many bombs”. “We don’t know where they all are”! Maybe you want a dirty bomb. And the French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin bomb that only destroys restaurants under four stars. They still test their bombs. They still detonate their bombs. Where did they do the underground test? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? “Because we’re French”. “Oh, look a Green Peace boat’s come to protest”. “Fuck off, I sink you”. “I’m the baddest mother fucker, am I not”?

“Look, I’m giving a cigarette to a baby”. “Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this”. “You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans”! “Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crack Americans”. “We hate all of you. Fuck off”! “The Germans are here… Hello, Americans”! “I love you! Come on, Americans”. “Welcome back, Americans”! “You can build a Disneyland near Paris”. “We won’t go, but build it”. “It will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great”! Smoking a Galloise, going “I never loved Mickey”. “He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off”!

“Don’t love him”! But there is one country that watches out for all of us the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. If there’s ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going “What was that noise”? In their big hollowed out country, with their chocolate and their watches. Ya! The nice Germans. Ya! Or, as they like to say, “the other white race”. I have only one question. How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it’s knife? “Many of you, men, have never opened Chardonnay under fire”. “You take out the wine bottle, pull out the cock and throw”! “I don’t know, but I’ve been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold”. My God! Where did all this Impressionistic art come from? And all these jewelry from 1939 to 1945? Fairies must’ve brought it during the night. I have to do the Heimlich and cough up an account number. I know this one thing… I know there’s one country that is not developing a weapon of destruction. That does not have a secret weapon’s lab up in the mountains. Jamaica! Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. They may make an atomic bong. But I’d rather fight the war with an atomic bong cause, when the atomic bomb goes off, there’s devastation and radiation. When the atomic bong goes off, there’s celebration! Smokes a split for the communion. If you don’t see Jesus then, you never will. I know only one thing. I never met me an angry pot smoker. I never met a man who said “Hey, you fucking prick”! “Oh, fuck”! “What was I gonna do”!? “Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here”! Because you see, marijuana… I know this one. Wait a minute. If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. Or maybe… If you seen some of the things that happened recently to NASA, maybe you can. “The Mars lander…” “I did the calculations in feet,” “but I programmed the lander in meters”. “So, instead of landing, fucker burried”! “185 million dollars… oopsy”! “Two years… splat”! “OK, fuck! Here’s a better one”! “The Hubble Telescope…” “I forgot to put in a lens”. Read the top line. “Officer Jerry, serial…” “The rest is just a black hole”. I once called Steven Hawking’s house, “Hello, this is Steven Hawking”. – Yes, I’d like to leave a message. – No, this is Steven Hawking. I know one thing though. Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods. Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. See those guys going, “Hey, fuck you, my man”! “Hey, listen to me”. “Listen to me, you piece of shit”. “You do not know shit about fuck, my man”. “You want a piece of yourself”? “Step outside, I’ll kick my ass”. “I’ve already shit myself, I’m halfway there”. Some people know, you can deal with it genetically. If you’re Irish, you’ve got a running start that you can do it better than we are. If you’re Irish, you’ll kick my ass but then you’ll sing about it, afterwards. “Oh, the night you said my wife was fat,” “I knocked you down and shit in your hat”. And then you keep drinking ’til you’re in your 80s and you’re on a dialysis machine, doing liver dancing Michael Flatline. And they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it. But that’s all right! The Japanese drink differently than us. You could be polite during the day and all of a sudden you’re “Arigato gozaimas”. And after five Jack Daniels… “Tie the yellow ribbon”! Karaoke for “asshole with a microphone”. “Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on”! And If you want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin’ with a Scotsman. Cause you can’t fucking understand them before… You land in Scotland and they’re going – Oh, yeah. – Oh, yeah? – Sure. – Oh, fuck sure, eh? – Sure! – Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard. And you realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care!

And how they could invent a sport like golf. Here’s my idea for a fucking sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole. “Like pool” Fuck off pool, not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick. I whack a ball its goes in a gopher hole. “Oh you mean like croquet?” “Fuck croquet. I put the hole hundreds of yards away. Oh fuck of ya, “Oh like a bowling thing?” “Fuck no, Not straight I put shit in the way. Like trees and bushes and high grass. So you can lose you fucking ball. And go whacking away with a fucking tire iron. Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you’ll have a stroke. Fuck that’s what we’ll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you’re gonna fuckin die. Oh great, oh and here’s the better part oh fuck this is brilliant. Right near the end I’ll put a little flat piece with a little flag to give you fucking hope. But then I’ll put a little pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again. Ay, you’ll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand, “oh and you do this one time?” “Fuck no. 18 fucking times.”

There you have a sport! The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Where even a blind gay man would go, “Oh, dear Christ”! “Those are loud, this is not carnival! What the fuck are you on”? Even the alligator’s going, “Asshole”! It’s such an athletic sport, whack the ball, get in the car. Whack the ball, get in the car. And the commentary’s electrifying. Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going. “We’re on the third green now”. “Could people be quieter, I’d like to hear the grass grow”. I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. “The ball is rolling, the ball is going to the…” “Hole”! Just to see all those waspy motherfuckers going, “Oh, dear Christ”! “My God, they’re not gardening, they’re playing now, oh, shit”! “What the hell are we gonna do”?

[on the English] Golf was their last domain of dominance, they were the Kings, up until… *Tiger*
[crowd claps]
Yeees, son of a black man and a Thai woman. Even a German geneticist couldn’t have thought that one up! Remember, he goes and plays at St. Andrews, where they fuckin’ invented the sport. And after the 4th round he’s 18 under par, and there’s only 18 fuckin’ holes! So they’re like:
[in an English voice] “Oh dear god, we’re doomed! How did he learn to play, we wouldn’t let him join, dear god!”
[normal voice] And then they have nightmares of gold clubs going
[rap music]
Yo yo yo, I’m playin’ through, rather you’re a gentile, or a Jew! Remo Beach, motherfucker!

All of your gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be… Until the Williams sisters… – 40, love? – No, that’s good love, baby! Even boxing’s changed. Remember boxing, people go, “I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing”. Like saying, “I go to stock car races” “to see people take left turns all day”. No, you go to boxing to see someone get the fuck beat out of him. Even the guy who loses is going, “I have 18 million dollars”. “I don’t know where it fucking is…” “I’m gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can’t find it. Fuck off”! Boxing was the same. And then Mike Tyson! Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody. Let’s get ready to nibble! All these guys’re going, “Oh, dear God, he bit somebody”! I’m saying, “You’re lucky he just bit somebody”. “Mike just got out of prison. You’re lucky he didn’t fuck him”. You bite somebody in jail its like, “Get ready bitch, you’re mine now”! – Break it up! – We’re not finished. Mike said to a journalist, “I’m gonna fuck you, till you love me”. At that point I’m going, “Someone didn’t come here to box, babe”. Mike said, “I’m on Zoloft, so I don’t kill you, motherfuckers”! I’m going, “Up the dosage, Mike”! There’s all these drugs, Zoloft, Prozac. I wanna have one drug encompassing it all. Call it “Fuck It All”. I don’t feel anything, I don’t wanna do anything, “Fuck It All”. The closest thing to a coma you’ll ever be, “Fuck It All”. I’m sitting here in my own dong, “Fuck It All”. The scary thing about drugs is that they have some horrible side effect. “May cause artificial insemination”. What? What do you mean? There’s a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing. Olestra? What is that? It said on the little side of the chips, “May cause anal leakage”. That’s not a side effect if my ass is going… I think that’s an effect, really! “Fire in the hole”! Bad day! – How you’re doing, Bob? – Just a little anal leakage, Ted. Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now? I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this! I had women in NY saying “Don’t wear fur”! The politically correct… red paint “Fuck off, lady, it’s me”! I’m a fucking Chia pet. I’ve gone to the zoo and had monkeys go… Anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place, go and watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children. Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like… “Wait for it”. “Wait ’til the teacher comes with the video camera”. “Now”! Cause they’re not happy.

Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the panda, she must mate, so you can build the wing on the zoo. They go to China, they anesthetize a panda, which is kinda redundant… They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong. When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu, “Bear with Balls of Steel”. They put him in the cage with Ling Ling, saying “Go, mate”! He looks at her like, “I would never fuck her”! “That is one ugly panda bitch”. “If you were a panda, you’d know that’s the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is”. “I wouldn’t have fucked her with a koala’s dick”!

“Fuck off”! “I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that panda bitch”! There’s only one animal who can tell you if she’s happy and wants to mate. That is Coco, the silverback gorilla. She saw me, the blue eyed simian. She was intrigued. She said to her trainer… – What does that mean? – She wants you to tickle her. OK, I tickle her… Then she goes… – What does that mean? – She wants you to lift your shirt. I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples. And when an 800 pound gorilla’s got you by the tits… you listen! Then my balls went, “Somebody wants to play”. – Should we go to phase two? – No! Do not go to phase two! “I repeat! Do not go to lift off”! “This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the tumbs”. “This is not a human”! “Do not go to phase two”! “Warning! Warning”! She must’ve sense something, cause she grabs me by the hand, takes me in the back. Daktari meets Deliverance. I’m expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, “Oh, cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out”! “Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger”! “This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock’s cloette”. But part of me went, “Could be fun”! Make a great story for a bar. A guy’s going “I had a wild night in Vegas”. “Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla”. “Where’s everybody going”? And you don’t want that late night phone call, “Hello”? “Don’t call me”! Maybe it’s because I’m 50. When you hit 50, the old machinery doesn’t work so well. You be at a public rest room going, “How’re you doing? Great game today, huh”? “Oh, boy”! What’s happened is your prostate is bigger than your ego now. When you’re in your 40s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old… First time is “Oh, my God”! “I’m just putting on the glove, Mr. Williams”. I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor’s name. Don’t do that! – Who’s Dr. Smith? – You’re the only one! When a woman has to go to the gynecologist, you don’t want a doctor who has a hobby. You don’t want a gynecologist who’s also a magician. You don’t want somebody going, “How are we today… Oh, a dove”! “Wow, what’s this”?! “Is this your card”? I don’t want a doctor who’s a proctologist and ventriloquist. No! “How you’re doing today”? “Take your hand out of my ass. I’m not a muppet. Move it”! In your 50s it’s no longer the… It’s the ortho-proctoscope. The colonoscopy. That’s what W. did. It’s a video camera on the end of a rodeo rudder. And it’s going up you! Suddenly, you’re your own Discovery channel special. “Slowly, we’re going up Robin’s colon”. “This must be what you see”. “Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in ’85”. – Is that a polyp? – That’s a fart, Mr. Williams. They go further up your ass, they blow air. Now you’re a fucking party favor. Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I’m a man. Give me 120 psi! You feel like a Pinata, you think little Mexican kids are gonna come out and go, “Get the presents”! The air is coming this way. The farts are going, “Incoming”! “It’s not a… No finger! It’s the midget! “Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command”! “Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise”! Because the moment they pull that tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude! “Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing”! Forty miles, blowing outta you! You put on your pants and you’re floating like a balloon spinning on the America’s Cup. “Coming about, Jimmy. She’s your”! And then you realize… “Oh, shit, fire in the hole”! “Tighten up boys, we’re not gonna drop here”! “Thank you, doctor. See you next week”. “Hold the elevator”! “Fuck you, you bastard”! Seven flights of stairs. Everybody you pass, you’re going “It’s me”! Dogs look at you like “Roll over, man, you’re dead”! You just wanna borrow a match. “Give me that”! Flaming asshole. That’s what you are. You’re a flaming asshole! You’re 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact ’til your golden years? No! Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No! They’ve got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra! Grandpa can have wood again. – I don’t need the walker! – I see that! And your grandmother’s going “Shit! I thought the war was over”! “Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing”! People have died on Viagra. They have to have the open coffin… “Oh, dear God, I don’t remember Pete being like that”. “Kids, go get some horse shoes”. “He would’ve wanted it that way”. You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiac. Like humming bird eyelash and rhino horn. To give you great masculinity. But now you’re on Viagra. You are back! You are Frankencock! You are “the Inseminator”! You are ready to go! You’re gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half! Guys are going “Yeah”! Women are going “Uh-uh”. Cause after the first hour, your wife’s going “Yay, oh, big daddy…” “Listen, I got shit to do, OK”? “Hello”? “Yeah, I’ll be late today. Viagra, fucking…” “I’ll try and get there. Go outside with that thing”! You can’t go outside with a hard-on cause the cat just waits for you to go… And your dog is going, “Wow, you too”?! Can’t go to work like – Hey, Bob! – How’re you, Pete? “I’m happy to be here today”! Direct traffic, no, you can’t do shit! You have to make it go away. You slap it. It’s like one of those punch-me clowns. “I’m not going anywhere”! You have to finish it off. In the old days was… Now, after an hour and a half, you’ve got more semen than the Fifth Fleet. So, when you go, it’s like… Oh, my eyes! And your wife goes, “Now you know how it feels, asshole”! “Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye”! “I’m like a Lawn Boy! Get out”! “Save yourselves”! – Not the drapes! – Too late… I own them now. You run out of semen and your testicles are going “We still got an erection, chief”! “Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid”! “Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away”! You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing… “Don’t touch it”! “Don’t look at it”! “Don’t even think about it”! And then you realize that God, gave you a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time. You have lost thoughts from your childhood. And then you hear these words from your lady… “My turn”! “You can’t fucking be serious”! “Look at me, I’m Goo Boy! What are you doing”? “That’s right, Corky! It’s time to saddle up”. “We’re heading South of the border”. “You gotta please Missy”. I have one question for the ladies… Do we look like this? “Are you almost there”? “No, no, no. I will finish”! “I love you”! “I love you! I will finish”. “I can take it. I just can’t feel my tongue”. “Who’s your daddy”? “I love you”! “I will finish”.

Good night! Thank you! Thank you! This night for New York! What are we gonna do tonight, Marty? Good night! You’re the best! We did it! My pink lady…


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Rachel Feinstein: Big Guy

Rachel Feinstein: Big Guy (2024) | Transcript

Rachel Feinstein reflects on her dynamic with her husband, poking fun at his attempts at romance and the unique challenges of balancing family life with the humorous aspects of her stand-up career.

Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!