Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.
Published on March 31, 2024
* * *
Ladies and gentlemen, Ramy Youssef!
[Cheers and applause]
This is an incredibly spiritual weekend. We’re in the holy month of Ramadan. Tomorrow is Easter. And yesterday, Beyoncé released a new album. There’s just so many religions celebrating all at once. I’m doing the Ramadan one. I love Ramadan because I love hanging out with Muslims. We’re so loving. And I feel like people don’t know that about us. They know all these other things, but man, we love to love. We’re so free with it.
My friends that I grew up with, they were really weird about love. I have a buddy of mine who was like, “Man, I’ve been hanging out with this girl, dude, and I told her I loved her. It’s only been nine months.” I was like, “Dude, I just said that to my Uber driver. I gave him my number. I was like, bro, let’s get off the app. I want to get to know you. You mean something to me.” Nine months? You should have a kid. It’s too much.
And people don’t get us, and there’s all this division, but it’s not where you think it is. So I live in New York. We’re in this bubble. We think everything we disagree with is in the South. But I don’t believe in the South. There is no South. Like, the South is 45 minutes away from wherever you are. I had a show in Upstate New York. I was walking through the neighborhood. There’s all this Trump stuff, flags, red hats, I was like, “Yo, I went North, but I’m South.” And I could feel it, you know, I could feel the fear. When my mom called me, I didn’t want to speak Arabic. She was like “As-Salaam-Alaikum, Habibi.” I was like, “Mother, peace be upon you. Like, I– you know, and the prophet, you know which prophet. The best one, the last one.”
[Laughter]
It’s tough because it’s an election year. That’s when you can feel it. Everyone’s freaking out. For me, where I’m at now, I know Biden’s going to call. He’ll probably forget… But I think somebody will call. Like in 2020, I got a call from Muhammad at Biden. You know they thought that was so cool. Like Ben was going to call, and they were like, “No, no, let Muhammad do it. Ramy’s going to like that Habibi energy.” He goes, “Ramy, Habibi, we love you. We love everything that you’ve done for Arab America.” He said it like it was a country. He goes, “Everyone on the campaign is such a big fan of your work. And Joe’s aware, right.” That’s huge, right, because Joe has an awareness issue. I mean, Joe’s aware. That’s like a Nobel Peace Prize. “We said your name, Joe was nodding.” Joe looks good when he’s aware. You’ve seen him, right? You know those days when he comes out and he’s just like thawed. They give him an extra ten in the microwave. He’s just lit up. He looks good. And he says stuff that’s inspiring. It doesn’t mean anything, but it’s like America, it’s good. He’ll be like, ‘I ride the train.’ You’re like, ‘Sick, where’s it going?’ And you never find out.
But Muhammad goes to me, “Ramy, listen, this is a tough election. There’s a lot of battlegrounds, but we’ve realized if we can win just one, we’ll get the whole country. The only state we need is Michigan. Arab America.” He goes, “Ramy, go to Michigan. Tell the Arabs to vote for Joe, and you could change the course of American history.” And our country’s so messed up that for five minutes, I was like, “Is this up to me? Like am I the guy?” I had this fantasy, right. Like I’m in Michigan. I’m in every vape shop. And it’s just like, “Bro, bro, Joe, Joe.” But I couldn’t go. I couldn’t go. I don’t like either option to be honest with you. I really think our next president should be a woman. You know what I mean? Like that would be amazing.
[Cheers and applause]
I think our next president should be a transwoman. A little less support, yeah. That’s New York, right? New York’s like “We’re liberal, but we’re Italian. Watch out.”
No. I’ve been thinking about her. I really have. Like imagine her speech. It would be so inspiring. She would be like, “A lot of politicians talk about change…”
[laughter]
Like you can see the bumper sticker, right, like real change. She puts up a before and after. She’s like, “I can do that to the country.”
It’s just an idea. I’m out of ideas. I really am. I’m out of ideas. All I have are prayers. That’s all I can do right now. And in my friend group, I’m one of the only guys who prays. I’m friends with a lot of sinners. Like just disgusting people. And they call me when they’re in trouble because they want me to pray for them.
So I get a call from my buddy Brian. He’s stressed. He’s been in court for ten months with his ex, and they’re fighting over the dog. He goes, “Ramy, dude, she doesn’t take care of the dog. She feeds him kibble, not wet food. I need him back. It’s just destroying my life. Please pray for me. I need him.” I’m like, “I got you.” An hour goes by. I got a friend Achmed calling me. His whole family is in Gaza, and he goes, “Ramy, they’re suffering. I don’t know where half of them are. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for them. It’s the only thing we can do.” I’m like, “Dude, I got you.”
So that night, I go to pray, and my prayers are complicated. I’ve got a lot to fit in. I’m like, “God, please, please help Achmed’s family. Please stop the suffering. Stop the violence. Please free the people of Palestine, please.”
[Cheers and applause]
“Please. And please free the hostages, all the hostages, please.”
[Cheers and applause]
“And while you’re at it — [laughter] — you know, free Mr. Bojangles. He’s a beautiful dog.” I’m praying for that dog.
We’ve got a great show for you tonight, all right? Travis Scott is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.
♪♪
