Ralphie May: Filthy Animal Tour (2014) – Transcript

Ralphie May hosts his legendary Filthy Animals in Portland Oregon to a packed house. In this comedy special, Ralphie takes you on a fun filled barnyard tour full of bellyaches, discomfort and laughter.

Ralphie May hosts his legendary Filthy Animals in Portland Oregon to a packed house. In this comedy special, Ralphie takes you on a fun filled barnyard tour full of bellyaches, discomfort and laughter. Always funny, uncomfortably hilarious and occasionally awkward, Ralphie May is joined by a cast of rising comedians that push the boundaries of comedy, because Ralphie’s big enough to get away with anything.

** (cheering and applause)

What’s happening, baby? Yeah! What’s happening, you filthy animals? Sit down, God damn it. We got shit to do. Can’t have you standing around, like, look at all these white people, looks like an anti-Obama rally or some shit, I don’t know.

It’s great to be here in Portland. I thank you for having us. I– I love coming to a town where the weather is always partly suicidal. It’s awesome. I love wearing fur. People go, that’s so crazy, a big fucking fat guy wearing fur. I’m like, yeah. Top of the food chain, bitch. I got thumbs. I’ve got thumbs. Go fuck yourself. It does, it looks like I finger banged a sasquatch. Big feet, tight ‘giner. That’s all I’m saying. Tight, tight ‘giner. If you can get it, get it, that’s why they’re so God damn mysterious, tight ‘giners in this day and age. Can’t find ’em. Can’t find a squeaky monkey hardly at all. Am I lying or am I dying? Come on, creeps, you know what I’m talking about. Fuck yeah, squeaky ‘giner. Rare. Have to finger bang a midget to find something like that, man. A papercut.

See, some of y’all are already groaning at me, okay? You need to understand, okay? Me and my friends, we’re kinda like a finger in your ass, okay? Uncomfortable at first. But… But not so bad, not so bad. Just a knuckle, nothing gay. Easy, sleazy, one knuckle deep. A little how-you-doing. Trick or treat, come on with you. Holler.

We are in Portland, home of stinky white people, all right? They are fucking– Let me give you the downtown Portland greeting. Hey, man, can I get $2? Can I get $2? Can I get $2? How about $1.89? $1.76? What you got? What you got? I can take that. Dirty ass white people. Oh, God, it’s so fucking disgusting. Okay, you don’t have– I can’t find a job! Try pissing on the outside of your pants. You know what I’m saying? Fucking– That makes you amazingly more employable. You’d be surprised. When you don’t reek of piss and squish when you walk, uh, you… That’s what those tight jeans are for. That’s why they’re so tight. They piss in ’em and it fucking shrinks ’em up.

What the fuck is with that, okay? Tight pants, skinny jean dudes. Okay, listen up. You’re not supposed to know a dude has got camel toe from the back. That’s all I’m saying, man. You know? It’s like, hey, hey, player, hey. Hey. Get some loose pants or enjoy your yeast infection, you pick, okay?

Then they do that dumb shit with their ears? That big, dumb fucking hoop shit where they put, like, a– a coaster in their fucking dumb ears? That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. It is so dumb. It’s not like it’s gonna come back. It’s not like an earring where you take it out and it just seals up. You’ve got loops in your ears forever, bro. You can’t ride a motorcycle, you put the helmet on, your little… Ears are flapping.

What cracks me up is that it’s only white people that are doing that shit and Mexicans that think they’re white. That’s it. And– But every time I say that after the show, some white guy with these dumb fucking hoop earrings with a Frisbee in his ear comes up and he’s like, you know, dude, this started in Africa, it started in Africa. Yeah. But you don’t see black guys doing that shit right now, do you? Fuck no. ‘Cause every black person’s been told by their great grandparents and their great parents– parents before them and their great, great, great-grandparents before them that that’s how white people caught black people. Right, player? There’s some black guys in the back. Right, money? Fuck yeah. They got y’all on y’all’s jug handle. You ever had your grandmamma get you by the fucking ear? That’s what they did, they got ’em by their jug handle. You can’t go nowhere when you got somebody in your earlobe like that. You’re like, oh, shit, oh, shit! That’s what happened. Now, I know some of y’all are shocked and you’re like Ralphie May, you’re telling us that the reason black people got caught and put into slavery is ’cause white people grabbed them by their jug handle earlobes. Yes, that is what I’m saying. Okay, that’s my hypothesis. Yours would be that there was a bunch of white people faster than black people. Now– Come on, what– What, come on? Which is more believable, your theory or mine? Mine. Mine make a hell of a lot more sense. Oh, man. Stinky, dirty white people.

Old white people, oh, enough with them, too. Enough. Old white people in Washington, they fucking hate our president. I’m old school, like, look– I don’t maybe not like the man but God damn it, I love the office, you know what I’m saying, I respect the president, maybe that’s just me, you know? I wasn’t one of these comedians making fun of George W. Bush when he said “nuke-ular.” I don’t know, I didn’t invent it. That might be how you pronounce it. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. “Nuke-ular” might be the shit, that might be it. What if Albert Einstein had a speech impediment? “Nuke-ular.” You don’t know. You weren’t there. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t like him because he traded Sammy Sosa, but that’s just me, you know. That’s how I vote. Did you ever run a baseball team and trade Sammy Sosa for some bullshit pitchers? I can’t vote for you, son, you can’t have the button. I’m sorry.

But Barack never traded anybody. I like Barack Obama, I do. But every time these white guys in Washington say “Barack Obama,” it’s like the word “n i g g e r” is right below the surface. Y’all notice that? Y’all notice that, playboy? You know what I’m talking about, right, money? Every time, every time, they got so much hate, they can’t even hide it. It’s like a n i g g e r shark swimming right below the surface, you know what I’m saying? It’s like– That Barack Obama, ooh, he’s a… Woo! Who wants to give healthcare to people? Ahh! N… Ahh! It’s like they’re all Yosemite Sam, you know? They’re turning into Yosemite Sam. Ooh! I hate that Barack Obama. He’s the n i g g erest nig that ever n i g g ed a n i g g e r. Racist motherfuckers. Sick of that shit. People have a problem with the black part of him, ’cause he’s half and half. If he was white, they wouldn’t have no problem with him at all. I gotta say, that’s the part I got a problem with, is the white part. I want that black part to show up every now and then. Just, like– Just a TV, just come up. Uh, breaking news. The president is about to address the country. Yo! What’s up? I want everybody to hear this shit from me. So you didn’t hear it on the streets, you know what I’m saying? Ten minutes ago, I called that cocksucker over in Syria, who be using chemical weapons and shit and killing babies? I don’t play that. I don’t play that. Ain’t nobody killing babies and shit on my watch, son, you know what I’m saying? Chemical weapons my ass, pussy. Get in there and do it yourself. Can’t fucking roach bomb a fucking country. I told that– I say, hey, hey! Yo, yo! Motherfucker! Look out your window! Bam! I wanna take his dick and hit the button with his dick. (imitating explosion) Yeah, that was my dick, son. Be bombing you later. What’s up? You dropped a bomb on me. I love it, man. Cracks me up.

People are uptight, man. You know, they– What the fuck? They want to ban gay marriage like that’s an issue. Okay, is that a problem? Does anybody have any problem with gays getting married? If you do, have you been married? Have you fucking been married? It ain’t no God damn walk in the park, I’ll tell you that shit for real. It’s a God damn job. It’s hard work, Jack. Hard work. You’re doing it right, it ain’t easy, okay? It ain’t like it’s fun all the time. Look, homos, you wanna get married? Jump in the boat and start rolling with the rest of us, I don’t give a fat baby’s dick. I don’t care. I don’t care. But I am gonna tell you, all weddings should be gay. All weddings should be gay. All weddings should be gay.

I went to a straight wedding this year, okay? It was a friend of my wife’s, okay? And– That’s right, I’m married. Sorry, bitches, pack up your pussy and hit the bricks. That’s right. Sorry, girls, none of this sweet dick for you, baby. No. No sweet dick for you. Okay, just the tip, but that’s just a little bit. Um… I went to a straight wedding, she was a friend of my wife’s that she hadn’t seen in 20 years, okay? And then she’s acting like they’re all friends. Oh, my God, girl, you remember when we gave handjobs to those two lacrosse guys? And I’m like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this handjob lacrosse shit? What the– Oh, nothing, it was crazy. I don’t even remember doing it. Only saving grace is I’ve had her handjobs for, like, 15 years, I know how shitty they are, so I was like… That guy probably got a broke dick, ha ha, ha ha. She was worse then. So… We went to this wedding, okay, and… Oh, my God. It was so horrible. This fat bitch took forever to walk down the aisle. You didn’t even recognize the wedding march. Walk, fat bitch, walk! Get your big ass up there. Maybe if you didn’t have a 300-pound dress on, you’d walk a little faster, God damn it. She gets up there and she– They light at candle. Some other fat bitch gets up and sing, they light another candle, the guy does some poetry, which is never a good idea. Like every night has its dawn, every rose has its thorn. And I’m like, is that Poison? Is that motherfucker doing Poison? Bret Michaels, Poison! Ahh! So funny. Oh, my God. Hilarious, I cracked up at that shit.

I was like, well, this sucked, but the wedding reception’s got to be better, right? It’s got to be better. It wasn’t. Cash bar. Fuck you, man. If you’ve got a cash bar, you’re an asshole. Just have the wedding at your mama’s house, get a couple of keggers, man, get that barbecue out, fuck catering, make Lipton burgers, I don’t give a shit, but don’t have a cash bar, man. You’re just a dick. Right? Fuck yeah. Cash bar my ass. And then the food was shit. It was– Fucking shit chicken and green beans, not even mashed potatoes, and I’m a fat guy and I flipped the fuck out. You don’t know, I flipped the fuck out, Jack. I was like, mashed– Where’s some fucking mashed potatoes? Shit chicken and green beans with no mashed potatoes? You fat bitch, I bet you got mashed potatoes! You had the God damn nerve to register at William Sonoma, I bought you a $600 vitamix God damn blender and your fat ass ain’t never made a fucking smoothie in your life. You fat bitch! That’s when my wife made me leave, man, my wife made me leave. Oh, God.

We went to a gay wedding, though, two weeks later, okay? Fucking awesome. That’s all I can say. It was fucking awesome, all right? Every wedding should be gay. This was one so much fun. The worst part about it is when you first get there, you’re like… Where do we sit? Where do we fucking sit? Technically, they’re both the groom. All right, I got it. We’ll sit on the aisle, and if we’re on the wrong side, we’ll just yell “Red Rover, Red Rover, send some of y’alls faggots over.” It was awesome. During the ceremony, they had some entertainment. They had a six-foot-four black male transvestite singing Cher. It was fucking great. “If I could turn back time…” (singing gibberish) “Oh if I could turn back time…” I guess he really got into it. He popped a boner and lost his duct tape and so half his cock came out. Had to re-duct tape his dick back down. I guess that’s bad form in the transvestite world. Have your dick pop out during a Cher ceremony or something. It was great. The vows were quick. The vows were quick, Jack. Do you agree to be a top and a bottom? Yes, yes. Done. We’re out.

The reception was fucking epic, man. And not epic in the fagster way they say it, you know, the hipster– The hipster little shit. “It’s gonna be epic.” Go fuck yourself. It’s a poetry reading in a coffee house, it’s not gonna be epic. But what happened… They had– Okay. Okay, open bar, fuck yes. Open bar. You’re God damn right. ‘Cause trust me, people are fucking drinking at a gay wedding. I saw a guy get a big pint glass, like, for beer, and told him to– told the bartender to fill it up with vodka and limes, that’s it. That was all that was in that. He drank three of ’em in eight minutes in front of me. Almost a whole bottle of Belvedere. Said five words to me the whole time. Yep. That’s my son. I’m trying to bond with him even though I like– I like the guys who are gay. I’m like, yeah, wanted a football player, got a cheerleader, huh, man? That’s how it goes. That’s how it goes, man. You roll the dice. Roll the dice. I blame the God damn mama letting him run around in her fucking high heel shoes and shit, that’s what happened. Just angry. So funny. Oh, God damn it. They had a whole buffet, okay? It was fantastic food. They had a shrimp tower, they had an ice sculpture of a dude with a massive cock and people could get shots of vodka right off his cock. It was great.

But on the– On the dance floor, DJ, man, you’re good, B, you’re really good, but this DJ was off the fucking charts, man. Gay DJ? What? First of all, all of his clothes lit up in glitter, okay? All his shit lit up in glitter and then he had lasers and smoke and shit. You ain’t got no lasers, okay? This shit would be on HBO if we got lasers. Am I lying or am I dying, right? If we had fucking lasers? Fuck yeah. Get us some lasers. He had four– Okay, there was four huge pedestals on each corner of the dance floor and up there was a– Each one had a Puerto-Rican male exotic dancer, okay? All right, just super skinny, tanned, oiled up, wearing a sequined G-string, shaking his cock and balls and wearing angel wings, just… And one was right there by the shrimp tower. And I wanted some fucking shrimp, but I didn’t want a dick on my head, you know what I mean? I didn’t want to get teabagged, okay, at 7:30 at this gay wedding and think, like, oh, that’s cool, okay? ‘Cause I mean– If you start off with a dick on your head, I mean, what’s further down the line, you know what I mean? So sent my wife over there. All right, get ’em, but duck, okay? If he swing that dick, duck. You’re shorter than me, give me some shrimp. Every now and then, those gay angels would fly. I didn’t know they were wired and they would fly from pedestal to pedestal, just sprinkling fairy dust over everybody, just… Fairy dust, hee hee hee. Sorry. That’s a twofer joke right there. If you get it, you get it. There was three pills on our plate, three pills, okay? And everybody had ’em. And that’s when one of the gay angels took the microphone. He was like, okay, party people! Let’s do this shit, okay? Okay? All right, party people! I can’t fucking hear you! That’s right, motherfuckers! We’re gonna do this shit. We’re all about to go down to wonderland. We’re gonna fall down the rabbit hole. Everybody’s got pills on their plate, okay? And one is gonna make you small and one’s gonna make you tall and then there’s a Goldilocks pill, baby, that’s just right. Yeah. We’re gonna do this shit. My nipples are so fucking hard. We’re gonna do this shit, my nipples are so fucking hard. Oh, my God. Okay, party people. All right, party people? Are you ready to do this, party people? I can’t hear you, party people! Fuck yes! On three! One, two, three! And he did the pills, right? And my wife looks at me, she’s like, should we– should we do these pills? I’m like, fuck yes, we should! Are you shitting me? These are gay drugs. These are the best drugs they fucking make, man. Took those gay drugs. There wasn’t nobody sitting beside me here, I took their gay drugs. Fuck it. You gonna dance with the devil, you might as well lead, you know what I’m saying? God damn right, man. I– 30 minutes later, I had my shirt off. I was fucking dancing, poured water over myself, redoing “Footloose.” I’m a maniac… Holding my balls, listening to Ke$ha. It was a fucking party, man. That’s why all weddings should be gay. It’s a party. We all got somebody gay in our family, okay? I don’t know why they have problems with gay folks. If you don’t have nobody gay in your family, you might have two or three, okay? Trust me. Trust me, okay? If it ain’t one, it’s two or three, all right? For me, it’s my Aunt Sandra. My Aunt Sandra been lesbian since jump, okay? And growing up, my– My mama and my grandmamma, in the early ’80s, late ’70s, they– That’s where I was living, in my grandmamma’s house, but they didn’t know that my Aunt Sandra was a lesbian, even though she brought her “roommate” to Thanksgiving like 19 years in a row. I mean, come on, get with it, right? I knew she was a lesbian at six. We was outside playing football and she about broke my God damn hand. Pow! Oh, shit! I don’t wanna play no more. Aunt Sandra got some pepper on that ball, that hurts. Oh, fuck! Lesbians got strong hands from years of finger banging, okay? Don’t believe that. That’s from years of good fingerblasting. Bitches got strong hands. You also need to know, I’ve been mean my whole life, okay? I’ve been mean my whole life. I’m dirty, I’m irreverent, I’m honest. I’m– I’m kind of a dick sometimes. I’m a wiseass. I don’t have any tact. I’ve been mean my whole life. I’m not my mama’s favorite child. I’m not. I wasn’t liked in school by the teachers, they hated my guts. They tested me to see if I was a retard. Swear to God, at 15, what the fuck? At 15, you’re gonna test me, see if I’m a ‘tard? I’ve been at this school for ten God damn years and you’re just now getting around to finding out if I’m a retard or not? You bunch of assholes. And you bunch of assholes are like, well, what’d they find out, Ralphie? What’d they find out? Dicks. Hey, if I’m a retard, you paid a shitload of money to see a retard, okay? Fuck off. So funny. So this happened the Thanksgiving after– of 1980, okay? It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, okay? And I’m wearing my long Johns, okay, I’m watching the new TV up on top of the old TV. And I’m eating some good-ass leftover peach cobbler, okay? Out of a Cool Whip bowl stained with chili or spaghetti sauce. Yeah, baby, yeah. And I hear my mama say to my grandmamma, “I don’t know why Sandra can’t find a good man.” And I’m like, ’cause she likes eating pussy meat, mama, that’s why. Yeah, that wise ass remark got me ten minutes with yellow Dial soap in my mouth. Ain’t nothing worse than yellow Dial. Yellow Dial is the nastiest God damn soap they ever created. Yellow Dial soap, oh, Lord. I’d rather have 20 minutes with Dove than ten minutes with yellow Dial. Oh, shit. And my wiseass mouth got me another five minutes added on to it, I’m like, mama, why y’all putting soap in my mouth, it’s Aunt Sandra that’s eating all that pussy meat, y’all put something in her mouth. There’s another five minutes. You can imagine how traumatizing it was. That was the family soap. It wasn’t like a new bar, you know what I’m saying? So it’s like all my family in my mouth, just nasty. My brother jerking off, my mama and her old titties and shit, my grandmamma’s ass up in my mouth. Woo! Woo! Thank God it didn’t get the dirt and filth out of my mouth forever, I wouldn’t have a God damned career. That’s my part of the show, folks. Are you ready to do this shit? Ladies and gentlemen, I brought together a collection of my favorite dirty fucking comedians from around the country. ‘Cause we’re bringing back the filth. Everybody’s gone clean. Fuck yourself, Seinfeld. Go fuck yourself. Your clean jokes. We ain’t clean. We don’t want clean. We want the filth. We want to bring the heat. I got a little something for everybody. If you’re familiar with my comedy, you know that one of my best good friends is my pal Billy Wayne. He was there when I was smoking weed with Jesus. He was there when I did lots of drugs and shit. We filmed it together, I helped him get a big girl one time, okay? It was his first time he ever fucked a big girl, changed his life. Changed his life, I told him. Man, a big girl will suck you dick and make a sandwich at the same time. That’ll change your life, God damn it, that’ll change your life.

All the way from Crossville, Tennessee, home of Dicky Justice Motors, give it up for my pal, Mr. Billy Wayne Davis!

Guys, keep it going for Ralphie May one more time. Keep it going for that vest one more time. Did you guys see that vest? That was the genocide of a species. He ordered a jacket, but they ran out of stuff. I like Portland. I like your motto. “Keep Portland weird.” Seems redundant. It’s like the post office advertising. It’s like, yeah, we know. I quit drinking about seven months ago. Oh, you guys knew me before? You should applaud. Good. I used to drink so much, I thought it’d be pretty handy to put a bottle opener on my keychain. That’s not handy at all. ‘Cause every time you really need it, you have to pull the car over, take the keys out… That’s how I got caught. It is. He didn’t even ask me for my license and registration, I just rolled down the window, he was like, Jesus Christ! Would you like to step out and do a field sobriety test? I was like, no, I would not like to do that. That’s not on the list of shit I like to do. I know where we’re going, yeah. I just want a buzz when we get there. Jail. We’re in the booking process, I get that question I’ve been dreading. He’s like, what’s your occupation, Mr. Davis? I was like, God damn it. I’m a standup comedian. He immediately covered his nametag. This other state patrolman walked by and he said, did you say you were a comedian? I was like, yes, sir. He was like, oh, shit, dude, show him your name. I’ve been waiting on this motherfucking day. I’m not making this up, this is a matter of public record. The Washington state patrolman that arrested me, a standup comedian, moved his hand to reveal his last name was Bacon. That’s destiny, you guys. I believe in fate now. You still have to go to jail, though. There’s no weird clause where, like, isn’t that funny? Get the fuck out of here. You have to check in jail, too. I was married at the time, the lady was like, would you like for us to call your wife? I was like, that’s cool. That reminds me, how long can I stay here? Will you guys keep me safe? I’ll join a gang, I don’t give a shit. Then you have to take off all your drunk clothes and they give you sober clothes. I mean everything. I’m standing there naked in front of a new dude I just met in a uniform. He’s getting impatient. He’s like, let’s go, hurry up. I was like, no. You can give me a minute. Up here, up here, you’re a professional. What are you gonna do? Take me to jail? He did. The next morning, you have to wake up and go directly to court in your sober clothes then they put shackles on your feet to remind you of all the good decisions you’ve been making. I learned through the shackle process I have giant man ankles, ’cause deputy mouth-breather that was putting ’em on kept going, God damn, man, you got big old man ankles. I can’t fit these sumbitches around, I gotta– Derr… Derr… Derr… I’m like, it’s bleeding, that means it’s on. And then they chain you to two dudes that were much more serious about being a criminal than I was. The dude I was chained to directly got arrested for armed robbery. He stabbed a dude and took $7. The dude he was chained to got arrested for breaking his parole for a homicide conviction by shooting another dude in the face, and I was the caboose. I was the bar car on that train. As we were walking in to the courtroom, my shackles fell off. You guys know what happens in a courtroom when your shackles fall off? Everyone that has a gun puts their hand on it. Then you pee a little bit. Not a lot, just a little. Like… If you’re me, you start talking for no God damn reason whatsoever. I was like, no, no, no, no– I’m drinky-drinky. That’s stabby, that’s shooty, I ain’t going anywhere. You took my car. I’m pretty sure my ankles are broken. Why don’t you put your bullet back in your pocket, Barney? I’m here to stay– You know what, mouth-breather? I got it this time, I’ll just– just take care of this.

Been traveling a bunch. Recently got to go to Wichita, Kansas. Yeah, ’cause my career is taking the fuck off. Look at it go. Why is it stopping in Kansas? I don’t know if you’re– I didn’t know this. Evidently, Wichita, Kansas is where dumb goes to breed. I’m serious. You hit the city limits, there are dumb people behind a fence, just going, like, yeah, let’s make some of us! Yeah! Derr! Derr! Derr! I like it when their eyes are far apart. Derr! Be fruitful, go multiply. They sell knives at the airport in Wichita. I’ll say that again a different way. I don’t think everyone understood what I just said. They sell knives at the place you can’t have motherfucking knives. Then it hit me. That’s a brilliant business plan in Wichita. ‘Cause they get the dumb people walking in every day, like, fuck, I do need a knife. Here you go. Then they get to security, like, fuck! Here you go. They got me again, Darlene. Every god damn time we come here. Where’s my shoes? Then the knife guy goes to the security guy at the end of the day, he’s like, give me those knives back. I only bought six of them. I keep reselling them. I’m making a God damn fortune here. It’s pretty easy. You pick the ones, their eyes far apart? Bam, fish in a barrel right there. Just don’t stand right in front of ’em, they can’t see you, they can’t– You startle them, they’ll breed you, you don’t want that. I got a brand-new car I’ve been driving around. I got a 2008 Scion XB. Thank you, one person, that’s never fucking happened. That’s weird. It’s usually some douchebag in the back, like, you’re gay! Which is weird, ’cause when I was test-driving that car and the dealer asked “How do you feel?” I was like, I feel like I want to suck a dick. I never felt this way before. I think this car makes me gay. 35 a gallon? Fuck it, I’ll take it. A guy I travel with a lot, he weighs like 400 pounds. Wears a fur vest. Getting him in that car is kind of like putting biscuits back in the can. Everywhere I push, something else comes out, dude, I don’t know. Some people get mad about that joke, like, that’s fucked up! He’s your friend! I’m like, he fucking wrote it. He did. First time he got in the car, he’s like, God damn, man, it’s like putting biscuits back in the can. I was like, thank you very much, motherfucker. I’m Billy Wayne Davis, you guys are fantastic, man, thank you guys so much.

* * *

Hey, guys, we’re back here at the Ralphie May Filthy Animals show taping right now with some of the black folks I was talking about just to prove that there are black people here in Portland. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. But this soft brother’s wearing a sweater. Hello, Huxtable. Okay, all right. No, no, I just wanted y’all to show– I love when stereotypes just fucking happen, like, y’all wouldn’t have been in the back of the room if y’all had gotten here on time. I know, I know, you were late because you had to leave tip money, okay? Ahh! Come on! Stop. It must have been ’cause you was getting pretty or something like that or you had to change sweaters ’cause the Coogi sweater wasn’t working no more, all right. No? All right. Well, I love you guys, you can’t do nothing about it, baby. I’m so happy you’re here. And man– Baby girl, you like– You like funny women? You like, fucking wanna hear– You wanna hear some women? God damn right, I do, too. You guys want to hear one of the funniest women in America? You’re God damn right you do. Just to prove I don’t have the best tits on the stage tonight, give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for Miss Danielle Stewart!

Oh, my God, you guys. I’m so sorry, I had to take my boyfriend’s car here tonight. What is up, Portland? I am so excited to be here. This is one of the best drinking cities in the country. Yeah! Unfortunately, I can’t drink anymore. I actually found out that I’m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink, my throat closes up around a penis, so. (ringing bell)

I’m not married. I’m afraid of getting married, that’s the truth. I’m– I have so much respect for people who are married, God bless you, I am terrified. I am so afraid that if I get married, I’m not gonna be able to, like, have sex with other people, you know what I mean? And it’s interesting to me ’cause I never wanted to get married, even when I was a little girl, you know, my other friends would play with dolls and be like, oh, they’d tell me all about their wedding. It’s gonna be pink and purple. I’m gonna marry Kevin Bacon, you know. And I was like– I was way into Barbie dolls. I loved Barbie, ’cause I thought Barbie knew what was up, you know? She wasn’t married with children. She was single, she had a hot boyfriend, a house in Malibu and a bald pussy. I mean, that’s fucking– That’s what I want in life. Even her boyfriend Ken had a bald pussy, which was weird, I’ll give you that. That was weird. Ken and Barbie– Ken and Barbie had Brazilian waxes. And good ones, too, not a follicle in sight.

And for those of you who don’t know, by the way, what a Brazilian wax is, it’s when a woman pays, like, I don’t know, $50 to have an Asian lady accost her with a hot popsicle stick dripping in molten lava. I don’t know how many ladies have gotten the Brazilian, but it’s quite an experience. I was really nervous the first time, you know, ’cause I had never had my genitals mutilated before. I’ll tell you something. Like, the place that does it calls itself a spa? Like, you’re supposed to come in, relax, it’s a spa. It is not a fucking spa, okay? It is a turn ’em and burn ’em business. And I don’t know what’s going on, but they are pissed in there. Like, I went in and I was like, hi, I have an appointment. She’s like, go to door four, take off your pants. Like, Jesus, this is like high school all over again. It’s horrible. And I go into this, like, tiny procedure room where they do it, it’s like a doctor’s office, kind of, like, and I– I’m wearing, like, a button down shirt and a vest and then just a vagina, like. And they have a full-length mirror there so you can look at the whole thing, you know, like, I can see this circus. I’m like, there’s nothing grosser, by the way, than a vagina and a vest. I’m like, I look like Donald Duck. This is awful. And I’m feeling very self conscious, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I’m supposed to act when she comes in there, you know what I mean, like a pro, like I’m just like, “Wassap!” You know what I mean? Or, like, being, like, all demure, like, I never do this. Like, I just– And I’m, like, spinning in my head about it and all of a sudden, this four-foot-eleven Korean woman like fucking busts in the door like she waxed a thousand pussies that day. And she had no time for my nervous bullshit. She was like– She didn’t ask my name or how I was, she just had, like, pubic hairs dripping from her brow and crazy eyes. She just started yelling at me. She’s like, get up on the table, spread your legs! I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, I’m terrified. Like, there is nothing more vulnerable than being in a tiny room with an angry Asian woman and no pants on or rape whistle. Like, I’m like, I am in this. Like, the train has left the station. Like, whatever is happening, I’m working out in therapy. I’m here. I laid out on the table, she slaps this burning hot wax on me, rips if off and as I am dying on the inside, she fucking shows me the strip. Like she was gonna read my pubic fortune or something. Instead, she mocked me. She goes… Oh… This is what your boyfriend see. Like, that’s so fucked up. I don’t have a boyfriend. This is… I was, like, traumatized. I’m like, what part of this procedure was invented by a Brazilian? Like, is there some Brazilian female prisoner of war? Who after months and months of being tortured by way of hot wax to the labia is one day, like, holy crap. This is actually lasting me like three fucking weeks. I mean, what the fuck? So I get off the table to leave, ’cause I think it’s over, right? I’m like, getting up the table to leave, she goes, “No, no, no, turn over, we do your butt.” Oh, I’m sorry. It sounded like you said “We do your butt.” She’s like “We do your butt!” I was like, listen, Yoko, okay? There seems to be some sort of a miscommunication here. See, I’m a woman, okay? I don’t have hair in my butt. My nipples, maybe, but not my fucking butt. That’s disgusting. But… Before I could get out of there, she was, like, all up in my business. She, like, slapped that wax on me, ripped it off, showed it to me… It was like a small furry animal. It was like– It was like anal road kill, like… I was so confused. Like, all of a sudden, my maternal instincts kicked in. Like, I didn’t know whether to vomit or fucking adopt it, you know what I mean? ‘Cause, like, I walked around most of my life thinking, like, I’m kind of a sexy lady. Turned out, I had a tail.

I’m Danielle Stewart, you guys have been amazing, thank you so much!

* * *

Come on! What did I tell you, baby? Did I tell you? She’s hilarious. Her last Brazilian wax is where I got my jacket. It is soft, I ain’t mad at it, it’s soft. Man. God damn, she’s so funny. Man, fellas, how hot was that? Come on. Yeah, no shit. Usually, you think chick comic, you think me with a wig on. You know what I mean? You’re welcome, gentlemen. Her pants were as blue as my balls, trust me on that, I’m married. I’m married. I want to tell you about this next comic coming up. He’s gonna rock the mic for you. I’ve known him literally for 15 years. And he’s a dear, dear friend of mine, one of the funniest motherfuckers and I don’t know why TV hasn’t picked him up to put him on a sitcom or in movies, I’m telling you, this guy is on the cusp. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my friend and soon to be yours, Mr. Chuck Roy!

How are you? Hello, Portland, Oregon, how are you? You sound beautiful, some of you look– I’m gonna high-five you, sir. You look terrified as hell. And then the little girl. Let me high-five, you, too. You look like a bear just walked out here. You got real nervous, like, is he gonna– I wanna high-five you for just one– I want to high-five the one fucking black guy. Oh, not you, dude, ugh. This is the one black guy in Portland, good to see you, my friend– Fucking-A. They had to fly you in, right? Come on, I’m not wrong. This is the whitest city ever. Four people clapping and the rest of you are going, like, is he talking about us? Yeah. I’m in a silly mood, I hope you are too.

I’ll tell you how my day started. I live in Denver, Colorado and every day when I gotta fly and go do a gig like this, I like to hit my favorite little spot. There’s a little creek called the Cherry Creek, runs about a mile from my house and I like to wake up early and this morning, I woke up and when I got to the creek, all right, I just– Checking on the water and then I look down and I see a duck and then a duck and then a goose. Yeah. So I ran. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what else to do. Ever since I’ve been this tall, that is the rule. When you see a duck followed by a duck and then a goose, it is go time. There was a bike path and I was hauling up it and a lady coming at me, I tried to warn her, I’m like, lady, you can’t go that way. There’s a duck and a duck and a goose. She wanted nothing to do with my warning. Yeah. All day, like, the whole plane flight here, I’ve been like, what the fuck with that lady? Right? Like, I just tried to warn her. That’s all, you know– And then I figured it out. She’s coming the other way, so what she saw was goose, duck, duck. And that ain’t shit. That ain’t shit. She had every right to look at me like I was a weird fucking bear. I should take back all things I’ve thought at her. Soon. One day, I might, I’m gonna consider that.

It’s fun to be here in Portland, Oregon. A very fun year for this bear. I’ve done a lot of this, traveling and joke-telling. They call that tour and I’ll tell you how that works. Every year, before I go to bed for hibernation, which is right– Yeah, right after Christmas and well before New Year’s, I call some friends and I say, hey, when I wake up this March, I’m gonna need some gigs. And this year, all the gigs have been in the south. Yeah. Augusta, Georgia and Savannah, Georgia and for a while I’ve been like, what the fuck did I do wrong? Like, did I fuck up? What happened? Why are all the gigs in the south? Savannah, Georgia was beautiful and I think my friends bring me to places like that ’cause I do things like google, like, where are we gonna have lunch in Savannah, Georgia? And if you do that, one quick google will yield a restaurants named Lady and Sons. Yeah, terrific restaurant, owned by a woman named Paula Deen, who– Yeah, googles rather differently today than she did at the start of the year. I guess she’s a bit of a racist is– That’s– Which, I guess I should have known, like, after having had food at her restaurant, there were some signs. The tablecloths and napkins all had eyeholes cut in them. The salt and pepper was on separate tables and I thought, that could be a mistake, right? That could be a mistake, that could be something– You ever, like, set up at work and do it wrong, right? But there was an auction for our waiter, and– Right? Who pays for the meal at the start? I’m sorry. Again, Portland, Oregon, you’re very cute and I love how offended you’re getting, but possibly– Get some black friends and then I’ll believe you on that. All the whitest people in the world going like, whoa! Are we allowed to talk about this? I am, I don’t know what your world is like. I don’t– Is your human resources officer here? I don’t know. That is not my world. I am my human resources officer and I said I can talk about Paula Deen being a bit of a racist, okay? I’d probably go back to her restaurant and eat again. I actually would. I have black friends who want to go with me. It is an all-you-can-eat buffet where everything is made in butter. Yes. That is God damn delicious, the first item in the buffet was butter wrapped in bacon and simmered in a butter cream sauce. Like, if you dipped that into hot butter, oh, my God, that was so delicious! There was butter in the salad bar. That’s how much butter was in the restaurant. Like, right next to the croutons, I was making my salad and then there were little pats of butter, and I was like, that is fucking going on my salad. Ah. Butter on a salad is delicious. Like, there’s a moment where you gotta decide, like, am I gonna spit out this wrapper or am I gonna swallow? Right? Those napkins let anything go through. So I swallowed. Yeah, which is weird for this bear. ‘Cause, like, it was noon and I hadn’t had whiskey. Right? Thanks for one-clapping that one. Obviously, that’s how hard I work to just get one applause once. No– Uh-uh. No, no. I am no pander bear. You just react the way you damn well want to. Fucking-A, Portland, I ain’t trying to impress you that much. All right? Get over yourselves, it’s– In the end, this is still Portland and I’ll be leaving. I’m sorry, too true? Could you turn down the truth in this mic? I’m sorry. The sound is terrific, but I’m telling Portland the truth.

Right after Savannah, we went to Jacksonville, Florida, very fun and I’m saying that to be polite. Right, right? Like, we all know Florida, right? That’s the dick of our country. Hangs right off there, there’s Georgia. There’s Florida, Castro and Fidel, the Cubans are right down here, sometimes we hang a little flaccid on them, right? Like, hello, Fidel. Fuck you, Castro, right? Fuck them, they’re communists. Right, but on our map, Jacksonville is up here where the pubic hair meets the shaft. But it smells like the balls. Yeah, oh… But good fishing. Yeah, I love to do that, I love to go fishing and joke-telling, like Friday night joke-telling, Saturday morning, wake up, do some fishing, and in Jacksonville, terrific fishing. I have a friend there with a home right where the ocean meets the river. Caught two sharks. No big deal, one was like a one-foot sand shark, the other was a claims attorney. Good fella, loves my waiter. See, there you coming around. Now we’re somewhere. Now we’re somewhere. We’re gonna get there, Portland! Fun fishing. And like I said, a beautiful dock, right where the ocean meets the river, you gotta cross a half-mile of marsh. That’s a fancy home, you know, the big old dock and a homeowner’s association, with rules, like, if you’re gonna fish off of one of their docks, you gotta use a pole. Yeah, that jacked this bear up, you know? I’m pretty used to just swatting the fish out of the river with my paw. I’m like, Bear, you gotta use a pole, yeah. So a young fella helped us out with baiting our hook. We were using shrimp for bait and I had never done that before and so this young fellas just snapped the shrimp in half and then he goes, Bear. Top or bottom? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, top. And right away, he goes, bear, top gets the head. Yeah! Yeah, I was like, that has been the rule ever since. I’ve been a top. Are you stuck? Those are some of the gayest fishing jokes anybody has written this year. How the fuck are you not laughing at that? Rich enough to be in the balcony but not smart enough to get a fucking joke. That’s adorable. Get a pole, get a pole and catch my jokes. I’ll say hello to the other poor people in that balcony. All right, well, try to afford better seats. Okay. I like fishing and joke-telling.

We played Charlotte, North Carolina. They’re real rich there, did you know that? They’re investment bankers. There’s a beautiful lake named Lake Norman. If you’ve ever heard of it, it’s ’cause Michael Jordan owns a home there. We fished right off of his dock and caught nothing but a glimpse at a lifestyle. They are real rich. It is, investment bankers living right next to people like Michael Jordan on the lake. And then there’s investment bankers and then NASCAR drivers. Yeah, it’s people living in an English Tudor next to people who need an English tutor. That is a tremendous juxtaposition of souls. Fun to be home– I’ll be home soon. This is the last night of a bit of a tour. I’ll get home and then Tuesday is date night. I think that’s cute. A lot of you seem to be on date night tonight, I see some of you coupled up and holding hands and comedy shows make for a good date night. Me, I work a separate schedule than the person I’m in a relationship with, and if any of you, that’s your life if you know– You know how important date night is then, like, if you work separate schedules, you gotta plan, you gotta be like, Tuesday, don’t plan shit. It is date night. We are going out. The only good date night I’ve been able to plan this year is I went to see that movie “Les Miserables” with my boyfriend. Yeah, turns out, that’s the only way you can say that sentence. Did you get that one? That kinda bear. I try to keep things romantic, you know. Before I left for this road trip and before I leave for every road trip, I leave my boyfriend the only kind of flowers you can give a man. Hops and barley. Yeah, I’m not wrong, right? Ladies, do you hear that? That’s joy coming from the people you’re with, the men in your life. They actually can reach joy. You bring home whiskey, they might be happy with you. Try bringing home those kinda flowers, whiskey or beer or– Bring home some weed, ladies, do that. Yeah. Maybe life with you wouldn’t be so fucking miserable. Oh! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t– That truth, it sounded perfect. I dig my boyfriend, he does well. He’ll pay for date night on Tuesday. It’s his idea, he made reservations. It’s ’cause he’s got his first real job, paying his first real salary, you know, and now he’s paying his first real taxes and now I know another gay Republican. Aw, come on. Shut up, Portland. Are you all upset about the gay Republicans? Are they– Are we fucking with your political agenda, Portland? All 26 of us? Is our vote really jacking up your politics? I’ll call them off, I’ll call them off. I’m on the phone list. Two of them work off, fuckin’ Morse code. I will– Hey, guys. Portland’s really jacked up, they’re mad about all 26 of us ruining their fucking day. Fucking liberals, man, that’s just how you are. You’re all like, open-minded, until someone thinks differently than you. So I happened to be off last night and it’s a Saturday night. We– My boyfriend and I took in my favorite show. It comes– It’s not on TV, it’s not on the Internet or anything. It’s just live there in Denver, right there on Tenth Street, we got a little show called “Saturday Night Meathead Fights.” Some of you know what I’m talking about. It goes on in almost any city in the world, right near where they got nightclubs, right, ladies? We all know what nightclubs are, right? They play that dance music and a lot of ladies love dance music. In fact, it makes your pussy wet, right? And it’s known many men love pussies when they’re wet. And so a lot of guys will pay for anything. Like, they will buy all the drinks they possibly can and they will go to those nightclubs, like, you know, they just put up a DJ Fuck-knocker on the ones and twos and charge a lot of money for vodka and energy drinks. And they, you know, the fellas go there all night and they try to– They meet you girls, they buy you drinks, and girls, what’s that trick you do, right? Right before last call, you’re like, “We should go before we have to fuck anybody!” Right? And then you’re like, fuck it, we’re outta here! Yeah, that’s a fun move. Smart, real clever. It just leaves the guys like a little fucking, like, what the fuck happened? I was gonna get laid! And the fellas, they leave the nightclubs, like, well after you do. They’re jacked up on vodka and energy drinks, they did drugs and they got no pussy to fuck. So that’s when they get into fights with each other. This last Saturday was possibly the best meathead fight I’ve ever heard in my life. It was Chad versus Chad. Oh, God, Chad was so mad at Chad, that’s– It just– I had my window open and all the sudden, out on the street, we heard, “Are you calling me a liar? I love you like a brother and you’re calling me a liar?” And to the window I go. ‘Cause that is a meathead audio goal. And there on the street lit by a streetlamp is a Francis Ford Coppola. He’s shooting a film adaptation of an S.E. Hinton novel called “Saturday Night Meathead Fights.” It’s Chad and he is very mad at Chad. The only way you can tell the difference is one had a little fauxhawk. And that was the one who was screaming. Five times he yelled at his buddy, five times, he’s like, “If I’m lying to you, then you can suck my dick!” Five times. That is a lot to yell. You yell that the second time if you think no one heard you. But when you yell it the fifth time, I think you’re saying, like, you can suck my dick… I… That’s where men are at in this country now. The fellas, they go to the gym, they work out, they have all those muscles and nobody’s sucking anybody’s dick. Which, I don’t know if you’ve been to a fraternity party, but those guys will blow anybody, right? They all have that hair gel. I play my favorite game. Just, who’s my porcupine? Who’s my porcupine? Oh, you are, Chad! And now you’re not mad. Do you like parades? Hey, enjoy the rest of the show, thanks for coming out, everybody!

Ladies and gentlemen. What do you bring up last? What’s always last? The best. Well, that’s what we’ve got for you tonight. They are a set of twins from the Inland Empire, we call them the Smash Brothers!

You guys doing good? – Holy shit, man. So far, we like Portland. It just looks so different on the show “Cops,” that’s all. – There’s more white people in real life, I can tell you that much. – Yeah. We’re gonna set some fucking rules right from jump here during our set, folks, ’cause when you mix up a bunch of races, you gotta have fucking rules. Otherwise the white people fuck something up in that situation. Jailhouse rules apply tonight, folks. He’s been in jail, he knows what the fuck’s about to happen. – And he’s white, good for you. – Yeah. – God’s white. – Yeah. – Good for you. – So if anything happens tonight, since jailhouse rules, if anything happens, a big fight, Pandemonium, melee, anything like that, pick a race, pick a wall and let’s fucking do this shit, that’s how it works. – You’re gonna know who the mixed races are, ’cause they’re gonna be in the middle of the theater looking for their fucking wall. – Hit those motherfuckers first. – We don’t make the rules, Jesus does. – Amen. – And if you’ve seen prison movies, you know, when there’s a big fight, Mexicans and the whites, we team up, blacks, you get the Asians. That’s just how it goes. – Sorry. – Where’s all the parents at? You got a bunch of parents in here? See, here’s the problem with you parents. Yeah. Here’s the problem with you motherfuckers, man. See, before 1985, if your kid talked back or looked like a fruit cup like your kids. – Right. – You could knock ’em the fuck out. – Fuck yeah– That’s the thing. There’s parents in this room right fucking now that are so fucking guilty of buying their fat little son skinny jeans. – Fat. – You have a fat fucking kid fucking walking around like a double scoop of fucking ice cream with shit blowing out. – And he’s probably white, named Skylar or some shit. – Yeah, yeah. – And if you named your kid Skylar, whether you’re male or female, punch yourself in the pussy, – ’cause that’s what you got. – Fucking-A. – ‘Cause your son’s a bitch and so are you, fuck you. – Yeah. – My name’s Skylar. – Oh, my kid’s sensitive, oh, he’s sensitive. No, your son’s a bitch, bitch, that’s what the fuck’s going on. – See, whether you’re in this room and you’re 65 or you’re 35, before 1985, if you ever talked back, you’d get knocked the fuck out. – That’s it. – And we had respect. See, but the problem is, these kids today don’t respect you parents, ’cause you’re giving them too much. You’re giving your eight-year-old a cell phone, so if you do hit ’em, now they can call the cops on your dumb ass. – If we dared to call the fucking cops in the ’80s, first of all, if you were successful on calling the fucking police, when they showed up, they would kick your fucking ass for wasting their fucking time. That’s just how it went. We didn’t have pagers. Fuck, we didn’t have cell phones. We had pay phones, but that shit cost change and who has change? – Right. – We didn’t have change. We had one phone and it was in the kitchen and it was a rotary phone. – Yeah. – And it took ten goddamn minutes to call anywhere. – Yeah. – Let’s say you got hit. Your mom’s in there making Kraft Macaroni & Cheese – with a wooden spoon. – Yeah. – And she heard you call your brother a cocksucker. She’d take that out of the hot, boiling cheese and crack you across the face with it– And you would say, “Thank you, ma’am, I appreciate that. – Yep. And you’d better hope to God she didn’t break that on your ass, ’cause she’s grabbing a metal one next and you better watch the fuck out then, Jack. – Now, listen, some of you guys ain’t laughing, you’re under 25 and you’re wearing skinny jeans like a bitch, – you know what I’m saying? – Yeah, yeah, you are. – And after the show, we’re gonna take pictures and if I see a grown man wearing fucking jeans tighter than his girlfriend, I’m gonna kick you in your pussy right the fuck out of this theater. – Bitch. – Yep. Yep, keep letting your kids stretch their ears out, parents. That’s fucking hilarious. Fucking funny. That way when your kid goes to jail, he can fit two more dicks in his ears, so that’ll be good. – See, you 25-year-old bitches don’t know what it was like to grow up in the fucking ’80s or before. Our Saturday mornings were the coolest fucking thing in the – whole God damn world. – Fucking-A. – You guys remember Saturday? – Oh. The ’80s were great. First of all, you got up early. Real fucking early, 5:30, 6:00 a.m. You cleaned your fucking room, you made your bed and you had to be very, very fucking quiet. – Quiet. – If you had a friend over and he was getting squirrelly, jumping around, you’re like, calm the fuck down, man! What the fuck’s wrong with you? Don’t think my dad won’t come in here and fuck you up, too. He doesn’t give a fuck. It was like, man, why do we always have to be quiet at your house all the time? It’s like, dude, my parents were up all night playing Uno doing cocaine last night, okay? – And everybody in the ’80s played Uno and did cocaine. – Right. I mean, it was in the rules under Milton Bradley. If you did a reverse card, you got a bump. – I swear to God. – That’s just how it works. – Swear to God. So we’d make our bed, we’d go out in the living room, Saturday morning, about 6:00 a.m., you turn on the TV and if you were lucky, it was the coolest show of all coolest shows and it was called “Fraggle Rock.” – Fucking-A. – Wait. Look at Skylar and Bryce. What the fuck is “Fraggle Rock”? Serious, it sounds gay. – What’s “Fraggle Rock”? – I don’t know. – It’s only the coolest show ever, motherfucker. – Yeah– Oh, that show was great. You know, there was all kinds of fucking badass shows in the ’80s, you know, you’re flipping through the channels, you’re like, oh, fuck, Bullwinkle’s on, this is great. – Fuck yeah. – You know, Bugs Bunny. There was cool shit. Little Rascals, things like that. Say you got a little baby boner that morning, you’re like, what the fuck is that little bitch Punky Brewster doing right now? What is she doing? I loved that little black bitch Cherie. – Where is she at, man? – Yeah, what’s she doing? So then you turned on the TV, you turned it low. You and your friend tiptoed into the kitchen, you made your favorite cereal. – Mm-hmm. – For us, it was Honey Smacks. – Right. – Fuck yeah. Now, our dad was a coke head. We didn’t have the good shit with the frog on the box. – Fuck no, no, no. – We had the fake shit with a bear wearing a blue sweater – on the box. – Fuck yeah. – And his name was Sugar Bear, motherfucker. – Yep, and they must have sprinkled cocaine on that cereal, ’cause I’d mow the yard, throw rocks, I’d do anything after eating that shit. – Fuck yeah. I heard if you crush up a bowl, you can do fucking yardwork – all day. – That’s what I heard. – All day. Now, you ate your cereal, you turned off the TV and you got – the fuck outside. – Yep. And we stayed outside all goddamned day, and if you were thirsty, you didn’t have Capri Suns. You didn’t have soda pop. – No. – You had one option and that was the hose, motherfuckers. – That’s it. Try giving your fat little kid the hose and see what the fuck he does. Oh, my God, are we broke? What’s going on? – Serious, there’s ants and dog shit on this. – Oh, God! – Our gardener drinks out of this hose. This is bullshit. Listen up, you fruitcups, you 25-year-old bitches. We had to drink out of the hose, man. And drinking out of the hose was a motherfucker. We had to turn it on and wait three minutes for the spiders, roly-polys and pincher bugs. – Yeah. – And it could be winter at midnight and that water – was hot as fuck. – Yeah. – Oh, and you’d pinch off the hose, there was all kinds of fun games. You let your brother or sister get a drink and then blow their God damn mouth wide open. Boom! – That shit was fun. – So then you drink out of the hose. You got on your– We had old-school scooters, not the ones with the little fucking wheels like that, we had big-ass wheels and we’d just be kicking it down the – fucking street… – Jumping off curbs and shit. – …just kicking that shit. – Oh, that– – Fuck– – Fuck yeah. – Ooh, yeah. – Fucking doing tricks and shit. – Fuck yeah. – Fuck yeah. – Say you crashed that fucking thing and you got a wound or something, blood, you were like, fuck you’d grab some mud, you’d sling that shit right on there. Not your fucking kids. They got Neosporin on their fucking keychain for Christ’s sake. Bunch of fucking pussies. And see, that’s the thing folks, you stayed out all day. You stayed out all fucking day and you only came home when the street lights came on or the fucking black kids were chasing – you and that’s it. – That’s it. Because we wanted to be outside, we wanted to be outside and do shit. Not your fucking pussy kids. Your kids are at home right now on the Internet playing Farmville with a 45-year-old man with his sweats around his ankles. – Yep, right now. – Yeah. – Yeah. – Check your Internet options, motherfuckers, go to cookies, you’re gonna be disgusted. – Fucking-A. – Oh, and there’s parents in this room. – I don’t like to hit my kids, you know, I was hit and that’s not right, I don’t like to hit my kids. Well, that’s fine, folks. That’s what pepper spray is for. Your kid wants to act like a fucking little animal? You fucking spray him down. Then you hand him a cell phone and go, go ahead and call the cops, you little fuck, call ’em right now. The cops show up, you’re like, he’s telling the cops, oh, he sprayed me with mace, you’re like, Officer, first of all, no I didn’t, he has allergies, that’s what’s wrong. – Skylar’s sensitive, officer, he’s sensitive. – Yeah. – He’s sensitive, him and his boyfriend Bryce are sensitive. – Right. He’s obviously ready to go to jail, Officer, he’s been in his room dancing around with his boxers on backwards to “Gangnam Style.” Take his ass in. And here’s the deal, parents, if you don’t want to hit your kids, that’s cool. We babysit for two bucks an hour and we’ll beat the fuck out of your kid. – ‘Cause I’m tired of repeating my order at Subway ’cause your kid’s a fucking retard. – Right. God damn right. – Now listen, folks, the last 30 minutes were crazy and if you didn’t laugh at any of this, you didn’t understand anything we said, you’re probably under 25, named Skylar and you wear skinny jeans and you’re a fucking cunt, so fuck yourself. – We’re the Smash Brothers! – Thank you! – Thank you!

* * *

The Smash Brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what do you think? What do you think? Oh, my God. What a fucking night of filthy, dirty comedy. We were so happy to come here and bring it to you, Portland. Yeah, I finally got something to work that I’m high and so I feel pretty good about it. No, but it is welcome to Portland, here’s a joint. I– I love it. I– I would be remiss in not bringing these men and women out for the ovation that they deserve and I think you appreciated ’em all, ’cause we sure as fuck did, we love ’em. Let’s bring it up for my best friend, Mr. Billy Wayne Davis, ladies and gentlemen. How about Miss Danielle Stewart, ladies and gentlemen? Come on, give it to Danielle. Where you at, you smoking hottie. Jesus Christ. My main man Chuck Roy! Yeah! Uncle Chuck. Uncle Chuck. Fuck yeah, baby. And loud, the guys I’m on tour with right now, the Smash Brothers! Love you boys. Hey, we are the Filthy Animals we love you the most.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight!

(cheering and applause)


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

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