[crowd cheering]
[hip-hop beat playing]
[cheering continues]
Thank you, guys.
[music fades]
I… Thank you. I just asked my husband if I looked okay, and he goes, “You look good. You look good.”
[laughter]
“They did a good job with the makeup.” They did a good job with the makeup. Like, that will haunt me for years to come. That’s what you say at a wake. “They did a good job with the makeup.” “Your grandmother, she looked good in her favorite dress.” “She did. She looked like herself.” He can’t compliment. Like, he tries to, but he’s just worthless at it, like… [laughs] On our wedding day, I was walking down the aisle, and he goes, “Bringing it!” I’m like, “That’s not gonna suffice.” “Bringing it”? That’s what you say to a running back.
[laughter]
Even his nickname for me is, like… It’s a problem. He’s like, “Nah, you’re overthinking it. It’s a positive nickname.” He calls me Big Guy. [laughter] And then he acts like I’m being strange about this. He’s like, “Ah, get out of your head. You’re a fun person. C’mon, you… you Big Guy!” [laughter] He keeps re-pitching it to me. I’m like, “No woman wants to be called Big Guy.” That’s what you call, like, a union trucker. [laughter] Every night, when I walk in the door, I’ll open the door and he goes, “Is that Big Guy?” [laughter] And he always says it in that voice too. Like it’s just anyone’s guess who it could be. I’m like, “Of course it’s Big Guy. Who the fuck else is it gonna be?” “It’s clearly me, Big Guy.”
I actually told this whole story on stage the other night in front of my husband, and it was so satisfying. I get offstage. I walk right over. I’m like, “Well, did you listen to their reaction? He goes, “Yeah, they fuckin’ loved it!” [laughter] I’m like, “No, they’re laughing at you. It’s at you.” He’s like, “I don’t know, Big Guy. They thought it was solid!” “Got a nice pop right there!”
It’s not his fault though. He’s a fireman. Um…
[whooping]
You know… Thank you. Yes.
[cheering and applause]
Thanks, you guys.
[clapping continues]
Yeah, they asked my daughter at her preschool, they asked her what her mommy and daddy did, and she said, “My daddy’s a hero, and my mommy’s sarcastic.”
[laughter]
[cheering]
She said this.
[cheering continues]
She said that. No, they… They’re good guys, they are. Thank you, guys. They just… You run a little dumb.
Um, it’s the…
[laughter]
No. Emotionally dumb. It’s the right kind of dumb for that job. You know, like, the guy that’s running into burning buildings isn’t also wondering how your day went.
It’s not…
[laughter]
You’re not supposed to have, like, man sleepovers for half your life like that. That’s not a good idea. Imagine if your husband was just spending the night with, like, 12 of his dumbest friends for half his life. Like, they’re not coming up with better ideas together. Like, these guys undo everything I’ve accomplished with him. He’ll come home from the firehouse so much dumber, it’s an emergency. Like… [laughter] He comes home with, like, conspiracy theories. He’ll be like, “Vinny says, legit, they never even went to the moon.” I’m like, “Don’t believe anything… Vinny has ever said.” “He’s a deep, deep moron with no information.” Here’s the thing. The firehouse is always gonna be their first family. You know, like, they come first, these guys. I’m like a side piece to these men, you know? Like… But I don’t get, like, side-piece perks, you know? Like, I don’t get, like, a studio or anything. [laughs]
[laughter]
[Rachel laughs] I call the firehouse, he’s like, “I thought I told you not to call here anymore, all right?” I’m like, “I was just thinking about ya. It’s Christmas. That’s all.” [giggles] [laughter] [whooping] ‘Cause your type is just your type, you know? Like, you can’t change your type. I like a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man. That’s what I like. [laughter] I like a guy who looks like he’d say, “Follow the money,” when talking about how the Earth is flat. I like a flat-earther. I do. I like a dusty, working-class alcoholic that does his own research. It’s what works for me. Like, it’s everything opposite of what I come from. My dad’s name is Howie, and he has a never-ending sinus infection. [laughter] Like, my mom is, like, aggressively liberal. She would have preferred if I married, like, a genderless Kenyan composter… [laughter] …than an Irish-Catholic fireman. Like, she was praying one of us was gay. She was sitting in the kitchen, like, “There’s cocoa if anyone feels gay and wants to talk about it.” [laughter] My mom’s a lot, even physically. She’s always wearing some sort of long, like, menopausal cape.
Just some kind of…
[laughter] …Navajo smock. She wears a hostile amount of turquoise. It’s aggressive. And then she acts surprised if anybody notices one of the insane things she… these plaque-size brooches she’s wearing. She’ll be like, “Oh! I forgot about this. Isn’t that fun? Hmm.” [laughter] “This is from Yosemite.” I’m like, “It’s a Navajo graveyard covering your entire left tit.” [laughter] She also loves a fresh, sort of, sickness to report. I don’t know if anybody’s parent does this, but my mom loves to, kind of, update me about some sort of dark information about somebody I don’t remember in the first place. She’ll be like, “Do you remember, uh, Taron Petermeyer?” [laughter] I’m like, “That’s no one’s name. I don’t believe in that name.” “You know what I think? I think you’ve made this person up so that you can tell me that he’s, like, throbbing with AIDS.”
That’s a medical diagnosis, you guys. “Throbbing with AIDS.” Yeah, ’cause it’s never positive news. She’s never like, “Well, guess what?” “He’s getting a lot of pussy, and he went to Harvard.” No. [laughter] It’s never good. She’s like, “Well, he’s got COVID-19.” I’m like, “No one says the 19 anymore except my mom.” And god forbid you even allude to the fact that somebody might be okay. Oh, she doesn’t care for that one bit. I’m like, “I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She’ll be like, “I don’t think so. He’s immunocompromised.” She’s very aroused by the term “immunocompromised.” She does a shimmy when she says that. She just blasts herself to the term “immunocompromised” every… [laughter] She told me not to say that tonight.
[laughter]
She was like, “Do not tell the audience that I blast myself to ‘immunocompromised, ‘ Rachel Louise.” She hates that joke. She’s like, “Take that one out of your talent show, please.” [laughter] That’s what she calls my stand-up. My mom never watches anything I do. Not ’cause they’re not proud of me, my parents. They just can’t find it unless it’s on at, like, 6:00 p.m. on CBS. [laughter] I tried to explain to my parents that I had done something on Netflix. It was one of the worst conversations I’ve ever had. My mom and dad both got on the phone, and my mom was like, “We tried to view your Netflix program.” [laughter] I’m like, “Do you know how exhausting that just was to listen to?” My dad’s like, “But it turns out it was a scam.” [laughter] How did the largest streaming service ever personally scam Howie and Karen Feinstein? My mom goes, “We tried to do it correctly.” “We mailed the DVD to Netflix.” “We mailed the DVD to Netflix”? What the fuck did Netflix receive at headquarters from my parents? [laughter] I think my mom mailed, like, Shawshank Redemption, thinking that she could watch my special that way. Yeah, my mom was, like, so upset when she found out what Karen means ’cause her name’s Karen Feinstein. She’s, like, the most liberal Karen. She was furious. She kept yelling at me about it. She’s like, “You knew! You knew!” [laughter] “You probably had a whole skit about this in your talent show.” [laughter] She’s like, “I can’t believe this crap because you know where I stand.” [chuckles] She goes, “I have been on the front lines of fighting racism.”
The “front lines.”
[laughter] That’s a big swing. I’m like, “Mom, uh, what’s it like up there…” [laughter] “…on the front lines of fighting racism between your throw pillows from Pier 1?” [laughter] She’s like, “Well, it’s not flippin’ easy, Rachel Louise.” “And what I try to do now is if I see a person of color, or anyone that’s marginalized…” She’s also very aroused by the word “marginalized.” If you think she blasts herself to “immunocompromised,” well, just forget it. She would let the word “marginalized” run a train on her. All right, I can’t say that. I can’t say that! Who would let the word “marginalized” run a train on them? [chuckles] But yeah, she, she was so upset that her name was Karen. She goes, “You know what I do now when I see any marginalized persons?” “I just let ’em know right away what side of this road I roll on.” I’m like, “How in the fuck is that happening?” [laughter] I’m like, “What in God’s name are you saying to strangers?” She goes, “I do it very tastefully.” “I need people to know I’m an ally.” “I just say, ‘I see you…'” [laughter] “‘…I honor you, I celebrate you, and I fight alongside you, so let’s start us a frickin’ war.'”
What the fuck?
[laughter] Do you understand that my mom is just loose doing this? Just going rogue. Can you imagine, some lady is trying to get, like, a latte at Starbucks, and my mom just comes, like, smocking towards her? [laughter] Some sort of insane Iroquois cloak. [laughter] Like, a jazzercise lunge at her, and she’s like, “I see you…” [laughter] “…I honor you…” This woman’s like, “Who is this white bitch?” [laughter] My mom’s like, “Don’t worry.” “I’m on the front lines of fighting racism.” “I saw Selma twice in the theaters.”
“I’m an ally.”
[laughter] My husband’s family. Complete opposite. They all wear, like, FDNY T-shirts tucked into FDNY sweatpants. [laughter, scattered applause] And just guard their own properties all day. Like… They just wait on their lawns for intruders. [laughter] And they want them to come. [laughter] Their world view’s just like, “The government is on their way over to your fuckin’ house to take your shit, all right?” “So fuckin’ buy crypto. Wise up.” [laughter] See? Firemen love crypto. They’re obsessed. They love crypto and “cash.” That’s how they pronounce it, “caysh.” And nothing in between. They only trust the most visible and invisible forms of money. [laughter] And my husband sells Bitcoin to all these men, and they just come by our house all day to buy it from him. I’m like, “I thought the whole point of Bitcoin was that Dino does not need to roll through here… [laughter] …and purchase it from you in “caysh.” As he’s buying Bitcoin from my husband, he looks at me, and he goes, “This right here, this little transaction that your husband and I are having…” He’s like, “This is what the government doesn’t want me to be doing right now.” [laughter] I’m like, “Somehow I think the government might not be that concerned about your afternoon in your Champion sweatpants.” [laughter] He’s like, “The government’s not supposed to have nothin’ to do with your paycheck.” He likes to explain things to me. “Listen up, sugar-tits.” “Let me tell you how life works.” [laughter] “The government’s not supposed to have nothin’ to do with your paycheck.” “Totally against the law, you know? It was in the original Constitution.”
I’m like, “Is there a sequel to that?”
[laughter] He’s like, “They’re not allowed nothin’ to do with your paycheck.” I’m like, “You’re a government worker!” [laughter] “They pay your paycheck.” He’s like, “That’s what they want you to think.” [laughter] “Wouldn’t it be nice to be a sheep? Baa, baa, baa.” [laughter] But this is… [chuckles] This is my life now that I’m a fire-wife. That’s not a term, and they probably told me to stop saying that. “Badge-banger.” I prefer that. I… [laughter] I identify as a badge-banger or a fire-twat, and I have to… [chuckles] [laughter] “Siren-slut” is really the literary term that we’re supposed to be using. But I have to go to these, like, FDNY, like, Staten Island dinner dances. You know, all the women are named Gina. There’s just, like, a sea of Ginas. Just, like, rows of greased racks and, like, shimmering crucifixes.
[laughter]
And the men, like, they all, like, kinda, they sort of interact in the same way. Like, just these thick-fingered guys greeting each other. It’s confusing. You know, just… It’s terrifying. “How’s it going? Everybody’s good? Things are good, huh?” [laughter] “Everybody safe?” It’s always about safety. I’m like, “Is there a looming threat that I’m not aware of?” “Good to hear it, you know? Beautiful thing right there, huh?” “How’s the family?” But it feels like a threat, somehow. It does. [laughter] “How’s the family? Family’s good?” “Beautiful thing right there, huh?” “End of the day, it’s about family. Am I right?” I’m like, “Are we about to get offed on The Sopranos?” They always sound like they’re about to admit something they can’t hold in much longer. Like, the way they congratulated me when I had a baby was chilling. “It’s a beautiful thing, sweetheart. That’s new life right there, okay?” [laughter] [chuckles] “That is new life. Keep it safe, you know?” “Really keep it safe, okay?” “Goes by real fast, you know? Days are long and the years are short.” “I killed my first wife, Diane.” I’m like… [laughter] I’m like, “I don’t think you meant to say that last part out loud, Dino.”
So we have a house that my husband bought with Bitcoin. This is just true. I don’t have a joke. It’s just the tr… actual truth. So, uh, we have this Bitcoin house, and everything keeps breaking, and then anybody that fixes anything in our fuckin’ house is a fireman ’cause God forbid we get an actual plumber to fix the plumbing. He’s like, “Yeah, Anthony’s gonna fix the toilet.” “I got a good feeling about it.” I’m like, “That’s a terrible sentence.” [laughter] He’s like, “Nah. I think he’s gonna do a good job with the toilet.” I’m like, “He has a diagram of a toilet next to the toilet while he’s fixing it.” “That’s not a sign to you at all?” Like, I… Our lights are flickering. I thought we had a ghost. My friend’s like, “No, it’s just ’cause the fireman’s doing your electricity.” “He’s a lieutenant, actually. He’s not an electrician at all.” One day, I was just sitting at home. There’s a knock at the door. I open it. And this fireman’s standing there. I’m like, “For Christ’s sake.” I’m like, “Listen, your captain just blew up the bathroom.” “I don’t know if you wanna have at it.” He goes, he actually said this to me, “I do not enter the home unless the husband is present at the time of the entrance.”
[laughter]
Have you heard a dumber sentence in your entire life? [laughter] He’s like, “I don’t.” “I don’t enter the home unless the husband is present at the time of the entrance.” I’m like, “Get the fuck downstairs, all right?” I’ll tell you what. First assault’s on me. I’ll eat it, okay? [laughter] Like, that sentence just sounds suspicious. Like, that sounds like something you rehearse with a parole officer. [laughter] It’s like, you know, firemen, they all have two jobs. I always felt bad for them. I was like, “It’s fucked up. They don’t make enough.” My friend’s like, “No! They don’t wanna go home to you.” [laughs] [laughter] She’s like, “They’re all traumatized, but they don’t deal with their emotions, and they don’t wanna go fuckin’ home.” Which is true. My husband will deny he has emotions. We were arguing about something once, and he goes, “You know, I’ve never really had any issues.” I was like, “I’ve never heard a person claim this. It’s completely wild.” And he just breezed past that. I’m like, “For the record, you’re gonna state you’ve never had an issue with anything.” He goes, “Nah. I’ve never had that, you know?”
[laughter]
He goes, “A lot of my friends had ’em.” Like it was the chicken pox or something. [laughter] He’s like, “I never had issues. It was always a straight shot for me.” I’m like, “Really? You just punched the microwave.” “I’m not sure if you’re aware of that.” [laughter] [Rachel chuckles] Well… What I’ll do now is, if I wanna express something to my husband, I can’t, like, say it directly, ’cause he gets freaked out. You know, if I’m like, “Hey, can we talk for a second?” He’s like, “No! I’m not goin’ over there. I’m not doin’ that!” Shakes like a bitch about a gentle discussion of feelings with a woman on a bed. Meanwhile, if there was a roaring fire on that same bed, he would hurl his dumb, naked body into it.
Dick first.
[laughter] No questions asked. So what I do now is, if I need to express something to him, I just start, like, a British novel about how I’m feeling instead. Whenever he pisses me off, I’m like, “She knew then that she was alone in this marriage.” [laughter] “There was a bird in the yard that she felt closer to somehow than her own husband.” And it, like, strangely works. He’s like, “Ah, c’mere, babe. Fuck that finch. I’ll do better.” [laughter] It’s very effective, the British noveling. Yeah, they all have second jobs. A lot of firemen are DJs. [laughter] I know. Isn’t that hilarious? I… It… It does make you laugh just immedi… just the fact that that is true, yeah. I just wonder what that would feel like to have the most respected job and the least respected job… [laughter] …at the same exact time. [laughter] [cheering] [Rachel chuckles] That’s like being, like, a hand model and an astronaut. [laughter] My husband’s second job is, uh… He’s a notary public. [chuckles] [laughter] So I always try to… I always try to work that into our dirty talk ’cause I am an asshole, so…
[laughter]
‘Cause I am a deep moron. So, uh, whenever we start to have sex, I’ll be like, “You know, the fireman thing doesn’t really do it for me.” “If we could kind of lean into the notary plot tonight.” [laughter] I’m like, “Are you gonna punish me with your fat, hard stamp?” [laughter] “Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Fuck yeah!”
[chuckles]
[laughter] “Much like you punished Rosemary when you helped her to finalize her will in the library.” [laughter] “She’s a little slut. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.” He’s like, “None of this is working for me on any level.” I’m like, “That’s fair feedback.” Yeah, I like to joke immediately after sex. Like, right after it’s done. Right after he comes, I like to be like, “That’s not the amount we’ve agreed upon.” [laughter] “You told me when you bought me from my father for an elder goat that you’d put no more than three ounces of semen upon me.” [laughter] “And now look at me layin’ here all covered in sin.” [laughter] He’s left the room at this point, you guys. He’s… He’s got his uniform on. He’s back at the firehouse. [laughter] So when he comes home from the firehouse, I’m always in trouble with my husband. ‘Cause he’s, like, OCD, you know? And I’m ADD, so I just wake up with, like, some sort of food smear on my forehead.
And, uh…
[laughter] When he comes back from the firehouse, I know I’m in trouble. Like, I don’t know what for yet, but he’s… He’s just really, like, anal neat. So every morning… And he’s used to being the boss ’cause he’s the captain of this firehouse. So he just, like, walks around our house and makes me answer for my messes. He’ll be like, “C’mere. Talk to me about this.”
“What was this over here?”
[laughter] And then he waits, like I’m gonna write up an incident report or something. He’s like, “It looks like you brought some dishes over to the sink area, but you never really…” [chuckles] “…you never did rinse and put ’em into the dishwasher.” I’m like, “This is not Forensic Files.” Like, fuck off, please. No one’s gonna bag this scene up and take it to a lab. And he, like, he loves, uh, activities. I hate activities. Like, I just wanna kind of lay in a dim room and snack really. I just wanna do some, like, feeding in darkness. [laughter] We were quarantined together. I was pregnant. My husband, again, doesn’t deal with emotions, so he’s just walking around, just this thick-fingered guy. You know, he goes, “You know what?” He said, “We could make the best of this thing.” I’m like, “Whatever you’re about to say is already infuriating me.”
[laughter]
He’s like, “You know what we should do?” “We should do, like, a puzzle night, huh? That’d be good.” “We could both start a puzzle at the same exact time, and then we could see who could finish first.” [chuckles] I’m like, “I would rather have a hysterectomy…” [laughter] “…than do some sort of puzzle-off to get through this shit with you.” Yeah, he turns everything into a competition. Even his books. Like… The titles are, like, alarming. They’re like, How to Get to the Top of Every Mountain. I’m like, “What’s he trying to do?” Like, How to Manipulate People at Parties.
[laughter]
My books are like Second to Last Is Fine, That Works. [laughter] Don’t Wake Me Up Before Eleven. I think it was Emily Dickinson that first wrote that. [laughter] One morning, I just walk into the kitchen. My husband’s just pacing. Just backed up. I’m like, “Everything okay?” And he goes, “Yeah, one question for ya. One question.” “I got one question for ya.” I’m like, “I’m sure it’s gonna be a fun one.” [laughter] He goes, “Why are there, uh, why are there three open seltzers?” [laughter] I’m like, “Isn’t the greater mystery here, uh, why you could give a fuck why there are three open seltzers?” “Like, who hurt you?” “Let’s just figure it out right now, that you need to control seltzers to this chilling degree.” “What happened to you?” He’s like, “I’m just sayin’, I’d love to hear the story behind it.” “That’s all I’m asking for. Just like to hear the story behind it.” I’m like, “It’s not gonna be a good tale.” It’s not like I’m gonna be like, “Oh, well, there was blow and hookers, and then the next thing you know, three open LaCroixs.” [laughter] I’m like, “You like puzzles. Figure it out.”
“Get to the bottom of this one.”
[laughter]
[applause]
He’ll… [chuckles] [cheering] He’ll even blame me for stuff my toddler does. He’ll be like, “Did you smear peanut butter up and down the banister?” I’m like, “No, I did not put peanut butter on a banister.” “I’m, like, 90% sure I didn’t, all right?” [laughter] I didn’t realize this. I don’t know if anybody has a small child. If you have a two or three-year-old, here’s what happens. They just… They’ll just turn out a room. They just trash rooms, like, frantically. Like, my daughter’ll just trash a room like she’s looking for coke.
Like she has 24 hours…
[laughter] It’s terrifying. Like she has 24 hours to leave the country before a drug dealer shoots her in the face. She just looks at us like, “This is bigger than you!” [laughter] “The Albanians will paint the walls with our blood!” [laughter] And my daughter, like, she has no respect for me. She can tell I’m not an authority figure. She does not listen to me at all. My husband, anything he says, she just listens, obeys. Me, she just looks at me like, “I’m not worried about you. You’re not a problem.” “I’ve seen your hand-job jokes on YouTube. You’re not in charge here.” I’m like, “That’s fair.” No respect for me. She calls me “sweetie,” first of all. She… My three-year-old calls me “sweetie.” [laughter] I’ll be like, “It’s night-night time, Frankie.” And she goes, “Oh, go ahead, sweetie. Not now.”
I’m like…
[laughter] “Don’t talk to me like you’re an older waitress at a diner.” “I just wiped your ass.” Yeah, I go, “Mommy’s going to work.” She’s like, “Is it work?” I’m like, “You know what, bitch?” [laughter] “Pays for your sippy cups.” And my daughter speaks Spanish fluently. But neither of us speak any Spanish. [laughter] Which is just simply not a good idea. But my mother-in-law’s Colombian, so she talks to her in Spanish, and now my daughter has, like, Spanish demands all day, and we don’t know what the fuck she wants. It’s terrifying. We were standing on the front lawn once, and she points at the sky, and she goes, “Estrellas, Mamá. ¡Estrellas ahora!” I’m like, “What the fuck does she want? Call your mom.” [laughter] He’s like, “My mom says she wants stars in the sky.”
I’m like, “I can’t do that shit.”
[laughter] My daughter thinks that the sky is like an iPad, and I can just play things for her on it. Like it’s Cocomelon or some shit. And when I can’t do it, she gets disgusted. She goes, “¡Ay, ay, ay, Mamá!” Also, what Spanish-speaking person says “Ay, ay, ay” like that? It’s almost like she’s doing a racist impression of a Spanish-speaking person. And here’s another thing I didn’t realize if you’re a parent. Uh, you’re never alone, ever, so you just wake up, and their eyes are just next to your eyes. And it’s haunting, this three-year-old glaring at you in a long nightgown. In the dead of night, I’ll just open my eyes, and my daughter goes, “Oh, hi.”
I’m like, “That’s not…”
[laughter] “It’s definitely not the vibe right now.” She’s like, “Hey there,” like I bumped into her at a Target or something. [laughter] And I’m always in a park now. Like, I hate parks. I didn’t realize this. When you have a kid, you have to pretend you love things that you hate. And I hate playgrounds. Like whenever I see a woman pushing a swing, I assume she needs to be rescued.
It’s such a sad…
[laughter] …lobotomized activity, the pushing of a swing. It always seems like it should be done in, like, a medical gown.
Or like a…
[laughter] …Handmaid’s Tale bonnet or something. I hate that that’s what I’ll be doing when the end of the world finally comes.
Just pushing a swing, just… [chuckles]
[laughter] …staring into the eye of the last hurricane like, “Let the sweet waters take me home to my Lord.” [laughter] “I knew you’d be here, friend. It’s just like it was in the dream.” [laughter] And my husband works out at the playground. I’m like, “Stop doing that. It’s alarming.” “You can’t do, like, prison push-ups next to a slide.” “You look like an active pedophile. It’s not okay.” [laughter] I begged him. And not a normal workout. He’s like… [grunts] Like grunting. [laughter] He screams military phrases when he works out. He’ll be like, “Three sets crushed. Fire in the hole!” I’m like, “It’s not okay. None of it’s okay.” And I, like, I’m already having a hard time making, like, mom friends. But, like, I… Here’s the problem. I always, like, overshare too fast, you know? Like… [laughter] Yeah, and I don’t know how to do, like, parenting small talk. There are these, sort of, safe subjects you’re supposed to only talk about. They’re like, “Jasper just stopped teething.” “He was in a bad cycle.” And I’m like, “That is tough.” “I guess I’ve never felt seen by my father, you know?”
[laughter]
[chuckles] “I knew he loved me, but I didn’t feel seen.” [laughter] They’ll be like, “Mabel turns three this week.” I’m like, “Do you ever wake up crying, but you don’t know why?” [laughter] And also, like, I thought you could relax at a park. Like, I thought you could just, you know, scroll ASOS on your phone. No. Shit’s always happening. You know, shit goes down. The kids attack each other. My instinct is to sort of egg them on a little, like a cockfight or something. They’re always running back at you with demands and stuff. You have to just keep spraying and watering them and, like, shoving them back into the ring like a boxing coach. [laughter] And, like, you know, this one kid comes up to my kid, and she wants some of her snack. Now, I was that kid. Like, I wanted other kids’ snacks. I had entire relationships based on snacks. I didn’t give a shit about this bitch. I was there to clean her out, you know?
[laughter]
We had… My mom was a social worker. We had, like, government cheese. Like, there was a low-grade depression to our snacks. I’d go to my friend’s house and just house their shit. And my… [chuckles] my friend’s mom actually took me aside and confronted me about how much I was eating at her house. In case you’re wondering what went awry in my life that I’m up here right now, that was a pivotal moment, I think. [laughter] Her mom took me aside, and she’s like, “You’re eating a little too much when you come over here.” “It’s just…” “Yes!” I’m like, “You’ve been tracking my feeding time?” [laughter] She’s like, “It’s just that we need these snacks for lunches, and, uh, well, when you’re gone, there’s nothing left for the children.” [laughter] “Stan’s had to take on a second job, so just lighten up, bitch.” [laughter] This kid, like, wants some of my kid’s snack. I’m like, “Whatever.” I just let her have it. This Brooklyn twat comes running across the playground screaming at me. You would have thought I had just roundhouse kicked her kid in the face. She’s like, “What did you feed Madison?!” [laughter] I’m like, “Three Golden Grahams, so she should be dead soon.”
“She’s in the winter of her life.”
[laughter] “I don’t know if you have any final words for your daughter, but her skin should change color, and then she’ll be out like a light.” [laughter] People are so weird about what they feed kids now. She’s like, “She’s on a very specific macrobiotic diet.” “She does grain-free.” I’m like, “Why?” “What are you fueling this bitch for?” “Like, she’s not LeBron James. Whatever she eats is not that important.” “She’s gonna shit it up her back on the slide in half an hour.” [laughter] I go, “Oh, you like home-cooked meals, Madison?” “You know who cooks? All the men cook at the firehouse.” “Would you like to meet a fireman?” I’m very happy to kind of whore out the first responder thing if I’m in a jam. I’m like, “Would that be fun?” She turns into Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. She’s like, “Yes, I would. I wanna meet a hero.”
[chuckles]
[laughter] I’ve never needed my husband more, and then I turn around. My husband is literally, he’s doing, like, fucking prison push-ups, blasting System of a Down off a Bluetooth speaker. [laughter] So alarming. He’s like… [grunting] I’m like, “Never mind.” She’s like, “I don’t like heroes.” [chuckles] [laughter] The mom walked away holding her kid. I’m like, “What’s wrong, skank? You’re not a patriot, huh?” [laughter, applause] “I guess you hate your country, you whore!”
[cheering]
“I guess you hate your country.”
[applause]
[laughter] But, yeah, I still have to do all the wife shit, you know? Like, I get treated like a side piece, but I’m still always at a baptism. I’m never not at a baptism now. Like, I’m… [laughter] And I don’t know what you say at baptisms. I don’t, like, do the small talk right. I’m like, “That’s a wet baby, huh?” [laughter] “Tell you what, he’s gonna need a bigger towel.” They just look at me like, “You’re off.” I’m like, “That’s fair.” I don’t know, I was always very jealous of Catholics, you know, growing up. I just… Like, a Catholic service, it’s exciting, you know? Shit happens. There’s a lot of, like, smoke and wanding and Harry Potter shit going on. Like, secrets being passed back and forth and gold cups and shit.
[chuckles]
[laughter] Your men are, like, my type too. Just hot and sorry, you know? Just… [laughter] Just some guy like, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “I was…” [laughs] “I was thinking about Gina Rose when I was with Gina Marie, and that was wrong, all right?”
[laughter]
“And that was wrong, Father.” I don’t know this. I’m always trying to do this. My husband’s always glaring like I’m getting it wrong. I’m like, “I’m doing my fucking best, all right?” This thing is confusing. I don’t know how it goes, and it’s always… Uh, uh, I’m trying… [laughter] [person whoops] My mom told me not to do that too. Like, last… Last week when I was on the road, she was like, “I don’t think you should do the tongue cross in the Carolinas.” [laughter] She’s like, “I don’t know how many Jews there are per capita there.” She said “per capita.” [laughter] I don’t know if there’s a lot of Catholics here, but you know how you have that, like, little Jesus appetizer that you get in church.
[laughter]
Here’s how dumb I am, okay? I thought that it’d change, like, week to week. I thought you got, like, oh, like, a mozzarella stick one week… [laughter] I was asking around about, like… I thought I was, like, really schmoozing people. “What do you think it’ll be this week? “What do you think the appetizer’ll be, huh?” “Some pork dumplings?” My husband’s like, “Stop asking the Ginas about the app, all right?” [laughter] He’s like, “I told ya. It’s always the same, okay?” “It’s a tasteless wafer. Are you happy?” [laughter] He’s like, “It’s a tasteless wafer.” He was so angry. I’m like, “Well, Jews would never put up with that.” [laughter] If you tried to give my aunt, Rhoda Schneider…
And I know that…
[laughter] I know, that’s a hot name. Just cool your erections for a second. Just stop coming for just a moment. [chuckles] [laughter] If it helps, Rhoda has the largest underwear you’ve ever seen in your life. [laughter] If you tried to give my aunt, Rhoda Schneider, a tasteless wafer at temple, like, these bitches would be rioting in my family. “What is this? It’s unacceptable.” “I was told I would have a full salmon spread.” [laughter] “And a whitefish schmear.” [chuckles] [laughter] “You obviously don’t know who my father was.” [laughter] And here’s what my husband is doing at church. And the firemen here will agree that this actually happens. He sits on his fuckin’ phone in church and reads me fires off his phone that he feels that he is missing out on somehow. This is a daily scene now in our life. He just reads me, like, “Good jobs” off this Citizens app on his phone. [laughter] He’s worried I’m gonna say “twat,” and he’s sitting there like, “Look at this one. Beautiful fuckin’ job!” [laughter] “10-75 in Flatbush. Place is cookin’!” [laughter] “That’s a lot of orange!”
[laughter]
They love the fires. We were laying around one day at the house, doing nothing, and he goes, “Beautiful fire. Few blocks from here. Gorgeous. 10-75.” “Private dwelling fire at third and fourth floors.” He’s like, “We should go!” [laughter] I’m like, “Did you just ask me on a date to a fire?” [laughter] “You psycho. I’m not gonna pull a lawn chair up to a house fire like it’s Shakespeare in the Park.” “You are unwell.” Yeah, they, uh, they love the fires. One… They were actually… They’re sitting in church, and one guy is getting moved ’cause they bounce around to different firehouses. So one of the guys is going from, uh, Brooklyn to Manhattan, and he’s angry about it. I’m like, “Why? Manhattan, that’s cool.” He’s like, “Nah. No good jobs.” “Too many sprinklers.”
[laughter]
I’m like, “Wait, so you’re on the fire’s side?” “You’re on the side of the fire, then?” He’s like, “Brooklyn burns!” [laughter] “C’mon! Nice old buildings gonna burn good. Tinderbox!” “Had a lot of fires over there!” That’s how they pronounce it. “Fiya fida.” F-I-Y-A. F-I-D-A. It sounds like a little kid trying to say what his daddy does. Like, “My daddy’s a fiya fida.” [laughter] So, they got into that little line, you know, that little Jesus lunch line, where you guys get, like, this… [chuckles] …like, savior Triscuit or whatever. I… [laughter] I don’t know. The Christ Pringle? I don’t know. I, like… I love how they, like, the priest serves it to you too. I like how he kind of just slowly lowers it into your waiting face. I want all my snacks served to me like that. Just kind of softly dropped on my dumb tongue. Yeah, one of the other broads, like, taps me out of the line. I’m like, “Beat it, Gina. Get off my dick.” “I’m waiting for my fuckin’ savior Pringle.” She’s like, “You’re not supposed to eat it!” She’s frantic. She’s like, “You’re not allowed to have it.” I had no idea. You guys just looked at me like, “We knew you weren’t allowed to eat it.” [laughter] Ooh, I felt that. They’re like, “Nah, nah. She can’t have it.” Like, I had no… I didn’t know your mom, like, takes you aside when you’re a perfect little Catholic girl just sprinkled with Christ and sunshine and shit. You first Communion, she’s like, “Listen, God forbid, Gina, if a Jewish girl ever tries to take your Jesus cracker…” [laughter] “It’s a terrible sin. The whole church will just blow up into flames.” [laughter] I mean, it’ll be a “Good job! Nice…”
[laughter]
“Nice 10-75!” [cheering and applause] “That’s a lot of orange!” [laughs] Sorry. I don’t know if you have friends that do this, but, like, they write these long, like, monologues about how perfect their marriages are on Instagram, you know. I don’t understand the instinct, first of all, to, like, drag your husband out to a pumpkin patch somewhere for a photo shoot. Like… This guy’s bloated and pretty hungover. Like… He’s completely confused also. He has no idea why he’s in, like, matching flannels with his entire extended family. [laughter] And they’ll be like, “Vinny, you challenge me every single day.” [laughter] “Every day with you is like a mind-blowing learning voyage.” [laughter] “The girls and I will keep following you on this never-ending journey of learning we’re on together as a family.” “You have made me question everything I ever thought was possible in a union.” I’m like, “Vinny is on Pornhub right now.” [laughter]
[applause]
The last time I saw him, he was so drunk, he was wet, just dripping. [laughter] My husband’s like, “Lay off Vinny. C’mon, Big Guy. That was too much.” [laughter] But it is hard to be married to a first responder. It’s hard. It’s hard to argue with him on the street when he’s in his uniform. Um… [laughter] People interrupt us, and they’re like, “Thank you for your service.” I’m like, “He’s actually being kind of a dick right now.” [laughter] People always say the same thing when they hear you’re married to a fireman. They always go, “You must feel so safe.” They always say that. “You must feel so safe.” I’m like, “No, he keeps you safe.” [laughter] “It’s you or me. And it’s you.”
“When he’s home, he’s off the clock.”
[laughter] Yeah, because these guys go to real emergencies. So, like, they could give a fuck about anything else. Like, I… I was on the way to the hospital to give birth to his baby, right? He pulls over ’cause I have to throw up. I’m puking on the side of the road. My husband doesn’t get out of the car, no. He just leans his dumb head out the window, and he goes,
“You good?”
[laughter] “You good?” That’s what you say to a stranger moving a couch. [laughter] That you don’t wanna help. [laughter] You probably wondering, at this point, um, why we’re together, in the set. No, we were set up. My husband and I were set up. And I was… I was, uh, hanging out at steakhouses. I did not intend to say this tonight, but… [laughter] Here’s what a dark place I was in before I met… I was, like, uh… I heard men hang out at steakhouses, so I would just go there to try to, like, find a man. [laughter] I don’t think I realized how alarming this was. I was telling people. I’m like, “Oh, I go to Keens Steakhouse to meet a guy.” My friend’s like, “I would not say that out loud.” So I was at this steakhouse bar, and my friend, she’s married to a retired firefighter. She texts her husband, actually, to ask for a fireman for me. She’s just like, “Can you get a fireman for Rachel?” [laughter] Also, he texts her back, like, two options, like too fast. I was like, “How does he have, like, two headshots of guys at his firehouse?” And, like, here’s how I was described to my husband. Um, his friend called him up. How insulting is this description? [chuckles] He goes, “How would you like to meet a semi-famous Jewish jokester?” [laughter]
[applause and whooping]
Like, that phrase alone, would… I would imagine, would leave a man flaccid for a long while. Like a… [laughter] “Jewish jokester.” Like, it just sounds like a character from Fiddler on the Roof or something. Like some old, heinous woman selling riddles on a street corner. Like, “Eh, I’ve got some humor for ya, huh?” “How about a quarter for a fun-loving humor tale?” [laughter] I was, like… A lot of women have these beautiful proposal stories. You know, like… No. I was running out of time to get married. I needed to have a kid. I was frantic. I’m like, “Somebody’s gotta type out something for him to say to me.” “I don’t care. Just get it done. Okay. Get this done.” I was looking for a ring in my salad every day.
[laughter]
I wasn’t doing well. Like… I was reading planes as they went by. I’m like, “Does that say, ‘Will you marry me?'” [laughter] My friends are like, “No, bitch, that says ‘Delta.'” “That’s a commercial flight.” [laughter] But I’m not, like… I don’t care about wedding stuff. I’m not one of those, like, wedding twats. Like, I… [chuckles] I’m not, like, a lady. I don’t know. So I needed to, like… I needed just some controlling cunt in my family that would, like, argue with a florist or something. Just somebody to take control, you know? I don’t care about that shit. So my, my mom, of course, was pretty worthless. She’s too, like, jazzy and liberal. I’d be like, “Mom, what do I do with, like, centerpieces?” She’s like, “Celebrate diversity!”
I’m like, “Never mind.”
[laughter] She’s like, “I’ll be cuttin’ a rug on the dance floor for all those strong women that are kicking butt in Congress.” I’m like, “You won’t be invited to the second part of the evening.” And, like, my mother-in-law will give me these compliments that, like, slowly turn into insults, where you realize you’ve had the wrong expression for what’s being said to you. She’ll be like, “My son is happy with you. He is. He’s a happy man.” “Because he laughs. People need to laugh.” “It’s important in this life, to laugh, you know?” “He does. He always had the most beautiful girlfriends.” “But he was bored. He was.”
What the fuck, María?
[laughter] What the fuck? “You know, like an ass you could really bounce a quarter off of.” “But with you, he has a good chuckle. He does.” [laughter] “Humor is important. You know, perfect tits.” “The kind of cans you want to sleep on. Lullaby tits.” I’m like, “All right.” And then my father-in-law just wanted me to have a baby right away. And, um, he, he, he liked to take me aside, my father-in-law, for these conferences in the living room. He’s like, “C’mere, c’mere, let me talk to you ’bout something. C’mere.” It’s not even a separate space. It’s just, like, a corner of the room where he kind of leans. He’s like, “Let me ask you something. Heh.” He goes, “Uh, you wanna have a baby? Heh.” I’m like, “Not right now, and not with you, if that’s okay.”
[laughter]
He’s like, “If you want Peter to impregnate you, you know, he’s…” [chuckles] He said this. All of this. I had to sit near a covered couch in Barnegat, New Jersey, and listen to this speech. He’s like, “Let me ask you something.” He goes, “Eh, how’s his ballsack?” All right? Yes. That was said to me. Yes. Now, let’s just suppose for a moment that that was a normal question, that you just… bump into your friend at Trader fuckin’ Joe’s, and they’re like, “Hey! How’s Jeff? How’s his ballsack?” Even then, how could you possibly answer that? It’s one of the hardest questions I’ve had to answer in my life. Like, “It’s good. It’s a solid sack.” Every answer sounds disgusting. We had to take these pictures for the wedding. “First-look pictures.” I didn’t know what this was. This lady’s explaining to me. I could not foc… Comics, we don’t listen. So I’m, like, trying to sit still. She’s like, “For this wedding, it’s such a beautiful moment for our bride and our groom, so what we…” First of all, if you have that voice, I can’t. Like, I just… It’s too dumb. It’s just… I can’t with… ‘Cause you never hear that voice and it’s just like, “There’s been so many incredible, like, cures for disea…” No, it’s always like, “How random would it be if I, like, blew Scott?” Like, it’s never smart.
[laughter]
She’s like, “It’s such a beautiful time, so what we do for our reveal for our first-look picture is we’re gonna blindfold your husband, and then we’ll whip off the blindfold for this magical moment where he’s able to see you in the dress for the fir…” I’m like, “First of all, it’s not a big reveal.” “Like, he’s already slept with this girl several times.” [laughter] I begged my husband. I was like, “Please, please, please.” “When they whip your blindfold off and you see me in the dress for the first time, just be like, ‘Ugh! What the fuck was that?'” [laughter] “Jesus Christ!” “I thought I was getting a blonde!” [laughter] “Is that a semi-famous Jewish jokester?” [laughter]
[cheering]
And we had to give each other presents for the wedding. I didn’t know. This skank is explaining this.
I was trying to focus. But, uh…
[laughter] She’s like, “It’s a beautiful night. We’re gonna exchange gifts.” Or whatever. And she’s like, “On the wedding night.” And I… My husband loves Costco. Like, so much more than me. It’s… I don’t know what it is with men and bulk. They’re always, like, preparing for some end-of-the-world scenario. And I begged him, I was like, “All I’m asking is that you don’t get me something from fucking Costco.” I was like, “Don’t do it.” I’m like, “Don’t you dare.” I’m like, “I don’t want a present from the same place you can get a flu shot and a muffler, all right?” [laughter] “If you can throw it on top of a vat of mayonnaise, fuck off.” “I don’t want it.” I was so specific, and then he gets me pajamas from Costco. [laughter] The actual thing I told him not to get me. And then he tries to lie about it. I’m like, “These are from Costco.” [laughter] He’s like, “No, they’re not. You know what?” He’s like, “They’re actually, uh, they’re, uh, they’re very high-end.” [laughter] I’m like, “The fact that you just said ‘high-end’ makes me know how truly cheap these are.” [laughter] “They’re so cheap, they’re crunchy. These are not Fendi pajamas.” “They have tickets on them that say, ‘Admit one.'” [laughter] He’s like, “I don’t wanna say how much I spent on them.” “I’m just gonna leave it at this.” “You’re worth it. You are. You’re worth it.” [laughter] I’m like, “They’re Kirkland pajamas.”
“They’re…”
[laughter]
“I’m worth 9.98.”
[laughter] And I was like, “What do I get him?” So I was trying to figure out what to get, like, a repressed guy from, like, deep Brooklyn. So I order, um, a Catholic-schoolgirl outfit on Amazon, but, again, I’m, like, mangled with ADD, so I accidentally order a dozen Catholic-schoolgirl outfits.
[laughter]
I did this. But I’m never gonna return something. That is never gonna happen. Like, that would take so much more, like… So I try to hide them from my husband, but for he does his weird, anal military rounds when he gets back from the firehouse. And of course he finds them. He’s like, “C’mere.” “Can you talk to me about this? What was this over here, huh?” [laughter] “What’s this?” I’m like, “It’s a fucking Catholic-schoolgirl outfit!” “I was gonna surprise you.” He’s like, “Are you bringin’ a whole fuckin’ school?” [laughter] I’m like, “Well, that’s a fair follow-up question.” [laughter] I feel there’s too many instructions in our sex life. I feel like a lot of those, like, repressed guys, they’re always trying to get back to some first, forbidden sexual moment to come again, like, every time we have sex, it’s always, like, something a teacher was wearing the first time he felt his dick move when it wasn’t supposed to. He’s like, “I’m gonna get hard.” “I just need you to put on these corduroys for, like, two minutes.” [laughter] “And clap these erasers together. All right?” [laughter] “But you gotta clap ’em at the right pace, like Miss McCauley used to do at Bishop Ford.” “Quick outfit change.” “Just dress like a school nurse. Ask me what I ate today twice.”
“I’ll come real fast after that.”
[laughter] “Okay, I’m finished. Good sesh. That was solid.” “You need anything?” I’m like, “I’m all set.” “I’m not sure I remember what I once needed.” “I’ll just, uh, change out of my orthopedic nursing shoes…” [laughter] “…circle back in the living room.” He’s like, “Ten-four! I’ll see you out there.” [laughter] First of all, he always, like, wants me to do a sexy dance. I’ll put on lingerie, but I’m not gonna do a jig. It’s ridiculous. I’m like, “This is not America’s Got Talent, you know? Like…” “I’m not gonna prepare a jazzy number for you.” I’m like, “Can I just give you money to go to a strip club?” It felt like a fair compromise. He’s like, “I want a dance. C’mon.” Finally, I just sort of did a slow Charleston. It was very… [laughter] Something very arousing about jazz hands. I’m like, [singing] ♪ Your smile is my umbrella ♪
[laughter]
I sang a lot of Yiddish show tunes that he said weren’t helpful. Yeah, the thing is, as comedians, like, we’re not well. You guys just looked at me like, “Yeah, we know.” [laughter] No, yeah, we don’t, like, really run a tight ship. Um… You know, our lives are weird. Like, I’ve had a soft taco thrown at me in Des Moines before. Like… [laughter] There’s a sadness to the way a taco falls off tittage, since you guys asked. Like… Yeah, I’ll take a bottle over a taco any day. None of this is gonna be in the special. But, uh… [laughter] I’ve had some pretty important shows in my life, and it feels good to, to be proud of that, and, uh, I’ve worked hard. Thank you.
[cheering]
Thank you.
Thanks, you guys.
[cheering continues] Thank you.
[woman] Oh yeah!
No. Thank you. I played at the Hebrew Home for the Aging in the Bronx.
And, uh…
[laughter] So get off my dick. You have not bombed until you’ve bombed for old people ’cause they don’t give a fuck, and they’ll tell you exactly what they think of you. This woman stood up, and she goes, “Why don’t you talk about something that we can relate to?” [laughter] And it hurt so bad ’cause it was just so reasonable. I’m like, “That’s fair feedback, actually.” One lady just stands up, and she’s like, “Why would you measure the semen after intercourse?” [laughter] “It’s a very strange decision.” [laughter] I love that she referred to it as a decision, like I took it up with a board ahead of time. [laughter] One woman stands up in the middle of my show and goes, “Something must have gone wrong with her in the earlier years.” [chuckles] [laughter] That… That hurt so bad. I’m like, “She knew about the snack thing.”
[laughter]
That was so accurate. One lady stands up, and she goes, “She’s like… The things she says and the… and the… singing all those things, and the… the Yiddish show tunes and all of this.” “It’s like she’s not a woman.” “She’s not a woman!” [laughter] “She’s not a woman.” One lady stands up… They help each other, Jews. She goes, “She’s not. ‘Cause she said it, remember?” “She made… She said she was the fire-twat, remember?” [laughter] “She’s not a lady. She’s a siren-slut. That’s what she is!” [laughter] “She’s a fire ho! That’s what she is, a ho!” [chuckles] One lady just stood up in the middle of my show, and she just goes, “This is my Friday evening!” [laughter] And it hurt so bad ’cause I… I know exactly what this bitch meant.
Like, she’s like…
[laughter] She’s like, “I have maybe three Fridays left!” [laughter] “And you are fuckin’ up one of them!” [laughter] [clapping] Also, of all the shows, this is the show my husband chooses to go to. At the Hebrew Home for the Aging. I get offstage. I just walk right over to him. I’m like, “Well, did you see that? Did you see their reaction?” He’s like, “Yeah! That was solid, Big Guy! Good sesh!” [laughter] [cheering and applause] And this lady’s standing outside after my show just trying to behold me. She’s just like… [groans] [laughter] She’s really trying to get to the bottom of how somebody could be this foul. Like, she was like, “Agh!”
[laughter]
So I just looked at her. I was like, “I see you, I honor you…”
[applause and whooping]
“…I celebrate you.”
Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Thank you.
[cheering]
[country music playing]
Thank you for your service. Thank you. And a 182.
♪ The show ♪
♪ The show is on the road ♪
♪ The road ♪
♪ Let’s pack it up and go ♪
♪ Let’s go ♪
♪ This is the life we know ♪
♪ The road ♪
♪ The show is on the road ♪
[country music continues]
♪ Am I cracking up? Am I cracking up? ♪
♪ Yeah, am I cracking up? ♪
♪ This is too much stuff Too much stuff ♪
♪ Man, I think I’ve had enough ♪
It’s so easy. [music fades]
