Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean (2018) – Full Transcript

The stand-up special Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean finds Holmes confronting personal truths about the mechanisms of consciousness, the afterlife and Elon Musk, as well as sharing a few thoughts on being a new dad.

(crowd murmurs) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes! (crowd cheering)

Hello, everybody! How’s it going? Thank you so much! Sit down! Have a seat! Thank you! (audience cheers) Thank you very, very much. Thank you, guys! Look at you! (scattered cheering) (audience laughs) We’re here! -(more cheers) -You– yeah! You made it! I’m proud of you! We’re doing something! (laughter) (laughter) You– I mean it. (laughter) This is sincere. You left the house? (laughter) That’s no small feat! You know how hard it is to leave– I think you do! (laughter) It’s fucking hard to leave the house. You should be proud you left the– you know… What’s in the house? Fucking everything. (laughter) Fucking everything is in the house. All your food, oooh, your little snacks. (laughter) The long chair you call a couch. Ooooh, so comfy! (laughter) -Climate control. -(laughter) You can close the door. There’s that click. Hear that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter. -(laughter) -That’s a good feeling. You close the door, and your lizard brain hears the click. It’s like, “Let’s remain here.” (laughter) “Stay here forever.” Not you guys! You’re like, “Fuck it, we’re going into the dark night.” (laughter) “We’ll find parking. We’ll make it work!” (laughter) You’re like Dora the goddamn Explorer-ers! I am impressed! I’m honored! What did you pass up in your homes? Any movie? (laughter) You guys said no to any movie… (laughter) to come to this, to roll the dice on live entertainment. (laughter and cheers) Yeah, sure… (more cheers) I agree. And it could go either way. (laughter)

So glad. I– really what I was about to say… (laughing) I’m so glad this is going well. (cheers) I know, it’s weird. (applause) We all– we all want it to be good. You know what I mean? We’re all in the same boat. I’m being filmed, you’re being filmed, too. Some of you were like, “Ahhhhhh!” And there’s– (laughter) There’s a camera right next to you, you’re like, “How do I laugh normal?” (laughter) (unnatural laughing) “Ha ha haaaa– oh no!” (Pete screams) Don’t be nervous. It’s gonna be fine.

I dressed up– this is dressed up for me. Some comedians wear suits for their specials, this is a suit for me. A hard pant. I don’t wanna be wearing these hard pants. What the fuck am I doing in these hard, non-giving pants? All day before I changed for the show, (laughing) I was head-to-toe Lululemon, okay? (laughter) It’s true! All day, I was rockin’ the dream. I was wearing head-to-toe Lululemon. If you don’t know what Lululemon is… you’re a good person. (laughter) Lululemon is high-end yoga-wear for assholes who don’t do yoga. (laughter) And I am one of them. I am one of those assholes. I like it, I love it. My guy friends give me shit. They tease me for wearing– for wearing Lulu. They’re like, “There’s a men’s section?” I’m like, “Yeah, you gotta look for it.” (laughter) “It moves around. You can find it.” (laughter) I like it. They think women don’t like a guy in a Lulu. I disagree… I think women like a guy in a Lulu. ‘Cause if I go up to a woman wearing Lululemon, it does all the work for me. Before I even say anything, it non-verbally transmits just, “Hey… relax.” (laughter) “Nothing bad is about to happen to you.” (laughter) No one has ever gone up to a cop like, “He went that way! He’s wearing Lululemon!” (laughter) “Go now! He’s fast and nimble! He can move and bend in ways your uniform does not allow!” (laughter) That’s never happened. Mike Pence looks like a clear gummy bear– is that… (laughter and cheers) Is that anything? (laughter) He looks like a clear– he looks like a clear gummy bear that, like, kind of got his shit together. You know what I mean? He bought a suit, like a human suit… He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands, like… (laughter) He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, “Hello.” (laughter) “Hello, Mr. President.” (laughter) Look at him go! That fucking piña colada gummy bear got all the way to the Oval Office. (laughter) Like, he’s a bad guy, but that’s impressive for a candy. (laughter) “Please don’t leave me in a hot car.” (laughter)

Like, Mike Pence has said he doesn’t wanna be left in a room alone with a woman that’s not his wife. I don’t think that’s sexual. (laughing) I think he’s too delicious. (laughter) (cheers and applause) If you laughed at that, you’re gonna love this show. You’re gonna– you picked the right night. You picked the right night. (Pete sighs)

My wife and I– this is exciting, uh, we just had a baby, so we have that. (cheers and applause) Thank you very much. I’m so glad that you guys are baby positive. The baby’s only about a month old. -But when I started doing sets– -Man: Whoo! I know, it’s crazy! She just got here! Where was she? (laughter) I was sleeping next to my wife, and consciousness flipped on in her belly, just, bink, it’s here now and it’s my responsibility. It’s insane! But you guys are positive. -I’ve been talking about the baby on stage. -(woman cheers) Right when it was born– she was born, I was like, “We just had a baby.” Someone in the audience just like you guys went, “Yeah, your life’s over.” (laughter) “Bye-bye, life! “Bye-bye, life! Your life, that’s over! Your life is over!” (laughter) And I was like, “Yeah, I don’t fucking care.” I had a good run. I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like, “You guys eaten cheese?” Like, let’s fucking… (laughter) -Let’s mix this up. -(cheers) I can’t be forty like, “I’m really looking forward to the new Joker movie.” Like, let’s get some new people in here. (laughter)

It’s not that bad. People all warn you that you don’t sleep. You sleep, you just sleep different. You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like, three hours, and you’re up for an hour, sleep for two hours, and you’re up for an hour. It’s fine. Cause the best part of sleep… is falling asleep. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. The rest is just a coma. When you say you love sleep, you mean that moment where you’re waiting and you’re like, “Oh, here we go!” -Like that… -(laughter) That’s what you mean. When you cascade into the caramel waterfall, and it’s a surprise every time, like, “Oh, it’s got me!” (laughter) Where you’re the spoonful of sugar and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea that is slumber and you’re like, “I’m going away!” That is the best part of sleep. It’s the only good part of sleep. And because I have a baby now, I get to do this 22 times a night. (laughter) It’s the best! (cheers and applause) I was getting up to pee anyway. (laughter)

It’s funny when you go to the hospital, you have the baby, they give you a baby. (laughter) They give you your baby. I knew it was my baby. My baby looks so much like me, it feels impolite. (laughter) Like, it’s not supposed to be– It came out, it was embarrassing. I was like, “Oh shit. It’s me.” Like, that’s not… It’s like my genes are assholes. They’re bully genes. They got in the mix and my genes were just like, “We know what to do!” (laughter) “This guy’s nose… “this guy’s lips… this guy’s labia.” It’s my baby. (laughter) It’s embarrassing. (laughter) You’re supposed to go 50/50 with your wife. You’re supposed to puff-puff-pass the baby… (laughter) and I bogarted the baby. (laughter) So they gave me the baby and I was like, “Face match I.D., a hundred percent.” (laughter)

But before you leave the hospital, they all say the same thing– the parents will know. They all give you the same advice, every single nurse, there’s like twenty nurses. They all told us, they go, “Hey… Never shake a baby.” (laughter) Over and over, another nurse. “Really, really… “Hey, listen up. Don’t shake a baby.” There’s posters that say, “Never…” ever… shake a baby.” Val and I were like, “What the fuck? “Who would shake a baby? We’re, like, in love with this little baby.” What they don’t tell you… is you’re gonna want to shake that baby. (laughter) Ooooo, you’re gonna want to shake the shit out of that baby. (laughter) You are gonna be tempted as fuck to shake, like a goddamn Etch-A-Sketch, or a hysterical woman in an office in the ’60s, like, “Goddamn it, Diane!” But you want to shake the baby. (laughter) I wish I knew. It’s not like it’s out of nowhere. It’s not like you’re having a quiet night at home and the baby’s in the crib and you’re like, “Oh, I got an idea.” (laughter) It’s not that. They tell you, when the baby cries, rock the baby. They tell you, swing the baby. This is code… for kind of shake your baby. (laughter) So the baby starts crying a little bit, you shake it a little bit, and it works. Then it starts crying a lot, turns bright red, it’s screaming in your face, and you’re like, “Wha–?” (laughter) It stands to reason. (laughter) You want to. (laughter) The logic tracks. But you can’t. ‘Cause you guys know– I’m sure some of you know.

You know what happens, what the disease is called if you shake a baby? (audience speaking indistinctly) Shaken– yes. Shaken… Baby… Syndrome. That’s the name of the disease. It might as well be called, “Dad Lost It.” (laughter) The disease includes what happened. It’s like a shame disease. It’s like a scarlet letter name for a disease. It’s made to dissuade you from doing it. ‘Cause you can’t be casual. You can be casual about other diseases. You can be like, “Yeah, I gotta go home. “My baby’s got a little bit of jaundice. It’s not a big deal, she’s just working through some jaundice.” You can’t be– you can’t be like you, “We got to go home…” (laughter) “My baby’s got… Shaken Baby Syndrome.” (laughter) “Yeah, I don’t know what happened.” (laughter) “It’s going around, it’s going around. She caught it. It’s in the air, it’s in the air.” Everyone knows some shit went down. You can’t– there’s no excuse. You can’t be like, “Yeah, we went off-roading. “Umm… “I told her to buckle up, but she’s a little Guy Fieri. She doesn’t give a fuck.” -(laughter) “She got tossed and tousled, she’s fucked up now. -I have no idea.” -(laughter) Can’t be like, “I put her on my cell phone, it was on vibrate, got a few calls, she’s different now.” (laughter) I haven’t– I’ve never shaken the baby. You don’t shake the baby. You want to. (laughter) I wish someone told me. I’m like, “Am I a monster?” “No, it’s everybody.” (laughter)

I love having a baby, Baby Lilo. I love her. She’s amazing. And it’s not that hard. Getting a dog— I never had a dog my whole life. Getting a dog, honestly, was more confusing than getting a baby– “getting a baby.” “We got a baby.” (laughter) Honestly, getting a dog was different, cause a fucking dog– it’s not even your species. It’s just a wild animal you were like, “You wanna– you wanna be in here?” (laughter) “Hey, you, eating the pigeon bones… You wanna be in here?” (laughter) Like your baby– when your baby cries, it’s a human. I have a human baby. When it cries, you have a guess. You’re like, “It’s probably hungry. It’s hot, or it’s cold, has gas.” These are the problems that I have. (laughter) So you’re like, “I got it.” I have no idea what my dog wants. My best guess? Never-ending eye contact? (laughter) I’m trying to watch “Great British Bake Off,” he’s just down there, just like, “Hey, Dad.” (laughter) “Over here.” “What the fuck do you want?” I don’t know what he wants.

I was raised with cats, and you can kind of tell. (laughter) You can kind of tell I was raised with cats. That’s the worst heckle you can give me, is laughing at that. (laughter) You can tell I was raised with cats because the command I most often give my dog is, “Go live your life.” (laughter) I don’t know what he wants. They’re– they’re needy, I just didn’t know how needy a dog is. I’ve been out of the house for two days. If my dog had a cell phone, I’d have 4,022 missed calls. 4,022 texts… of the bone emoji and the walk emoji. (laughter) He’d be face-timing me right now just like, “Look in these baby-browns, Dad. Look in these goddamn baby-browns.” You look for your cat, you hide from your dog. Does that make sense? (laughter) You don’t know where your fucking cat is. Like, people say cats are evil, and they are… But they’re also all set. You know what I mean? They’re fine. They’re off learning to fucking meditate or some shit. They’re rolling their own cigarettes. (laughter) When I left the house, with my dog I had to, like, toss a tuna steak and do a barrel-roll out the window, just so he wouldn’t be like, “Is this forever?” (laughter) But if you have a cat and you see your cat, you’re excited, you’re like– it’s like a B-list celebrity sighting. (laughter) It’s like seeing John Stamos napping in a sunbeam in your kitchen. (laughter) Like, “Oh, my God! We have a cat?” Scoop it up, “I knew I wasn’t crazy!” You take pictures with the cat, selfies with the cat, prove you have a cat. Put the cat down, he’s like, “Don’t tag me. Don’t tag me.” (laughter)

I’m being real with you, I don’t know how smart animals are. I know there are different levels, right? There are different levels of smartness? Like my neighbor, he has two dogs. He was telling me that he has a big dog and he has a little dog, and when he goes out of town, he has to tape newspaper to the reflective glass of his fireplace. Otherwise– listen to this, the little dog will see his reflection and think there’s a second little dog stuck in the place that he’s only ever seen burst into flames. (laughter) So he’s just like, “Heyyyyy! “Hey!… Hey!… Hey! H”ey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I ain’t goin’ nowhere, brother!” (laughter) ‘Cause he’s a goddamn hero. (laughter) But when my neighbor told me that his little dog doesn’t understand reflections, all I heard was… the big dog does? (laughter) Like, I’m a human being, I don’t understand reflections. You’re telling me a slightly larger dog is like… “I get it.” (laughter) “That ain’t me. “I’m me, that looks like me. I know what I look like, but that’s a trick of the eye.” (laughter) “Life… (scoffs) It’s a mystery. “It’s a particle and a wave. “It’s both. “Some of the particles go through the glass, “that’s why we can see what’s illuminated “inside the fireplace. “But then a rather arbitrary amount bounce back and frame me in light.” (scoffing) “I love science.” (laughter and applause) “I love science. “I love it. I love science and licking my own asshole.” (enthusiastic dog gibberish)

I got married this year, too. Big year, baby and married. (cheers and applause) Thank you. Sweet Lady Val. I’m glad you guys are pro-baby. I’m glad you’re pro-marriage. A lot of my friends in L.A., anti-marriage. Showbiz town, nobody gets married. I’ve noticed that the same group, though, that is anti-marriage, they’re all pro-tattoo. (laughter) It’s the same group. They come up to me and they’re just like, “I don’t know, man. “I don’t know how you can make a commitment of that magnitude.” (laughter) I’m like, “You have the word ‘sublime’ on your neck.” (laughter) “Every job interview you go on, “they’re gonna be looking at that old-English ‘sublime,’ and they’re gonna be thinking,” ♪ Uhh, caress me down ♪ “Like that?” (laughter) That’s a commitment. My wife is amazing. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s my best friend, she’s got big ol’ titties. So, yeah… (laughter and cheers) Now, she loves this joke. Don’t worry, she loves this joke. (laughter) She got– you got big ol’ titties, and I wanna talk about it. (laughter) I’m tired of not talking about it. My wife has big boobs. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t give up on my goddamn childhood dreams. (cheers and applause) I’m not a quitter. Eight-year-old me… Eight-year-old me fucking loves me. When I was eight, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big boobs and a race car bed, and I am halfway there. (laughter) Big boobs are interesting. I feel for her, ’cause she can’t really hide ’em. She can cover ’em up, but everybody knows. They’re there. It’s like throwing a tarp over a porch of a house. (laughter) No one looks at the house like, “Look at that house that doesn’t have a porch.” (laughter) You can still see the shape and the size. You’re like, “That house has some big-ass porches.” Like, you know. I feel bad, like, you can hide a big ol’ dick. (laughter) No one has to know. You can send it down one leg. You can curl it up like a Cinnabon. (laughter) It’s a reveal. On the big night, it’s a reveal. You’re like, “Yeaaahhhhhh!” (laughter) “That’s why I’m so confident!” -Like… -(laughter) With big boobs, everyone can tell. Everyone can tell, which can be awkward sometimes.

Like, she had to meet my parents. What do you do? (laughter) You just have to own it. You’re just like, “Mom, Dad, as you can see…” (laughter) “This is what your son is into.” (laughter) (blubbering) (laughter) “Mom, you remember.” (laughing) It’s weird whenever you meet somebody’s significant other. It’s a little too much info. You know what I’m talking about? Especially if you don’t know them, and they’re just like, “This is Tina.” Like, I don’t wanna see that shit. (laughter) I don’t wanna see the manifestation of the recesses of your sexual subconscious. You’re just like, “Yeah, this is what makes me rock hard.” (laughter) “Fucking beat it, Dan. We’re in a Chipotle, keep that shit to yourself.” I’m like, “What did Val’s parents do to her that this is what she wants?” (laughter) Like, that she wants this ogre Lithuanian that’s like, “What’s going on, you guys?” (laughter)

We got engaged– some of you might know this story. We got engaged in a hot air balloon, ’cause I’m not fucking around. She mentioned when we were dating that she always wanted to go in a hot air balloon, so I wrote it down. Then four years later, I was like, “It’s time to get married. I want to get married. Let’s go hot air balloon.” She knew. She knew what was up. It wasn’t a surprise. You know, she knew we were gonna get engaged. You can’t just roll up to a hot air balloon… (laughter) wearing your one sport coat. (laughter) Just like, “We’ve been dating for four years. Would you like to hover in a basket for no reason?” (laughter) “Would you like to be adrift airborne for no reason whatsoever?” She knew. She’s not a dummy. In fact, if she had been surprised, I might have called it off. -Like, if… -(laughter) But I didn’t think it through. The– the basket’s fucking tiny. It’s the size of, like, four pizza boxes. So when I got in, it’s already pretty much full. And then I was like, “This’ll be fine, Val. We’ll get in. It’ll be a romantic day.” What I didn’t consider is there’s another– (laughter) there’s another fucking guy. (laughter) Of course, there’s another guy to fly the balloon. And he gets in and he’s right here. I can feel the tickle of this stranger’s whiskers, just like… I can feel the heat of his breath, and he’s just– he was like a man’s man. He’s like a Ben Affleck character. He’s wearing like a Carhartt jacket with scuffs on and he’s watching you. He’s just like, (chewing gum sound) (hot air balloon torch sound) (laughter) He was kind of ruining the day. He kept calling everything gay. (audience exclaims) I know! Biggest day of my life, he’s up there just like, “That’s Janet Jackson’s ranch down there… fucking gay.” (balloon torch sound) (balloon torch sound) “I used to work at that deli. They fired me. Huh, fucking gay.” (balloon torch noise) I was like, “Sir, You pilot a balloon.” (laughter and applause) “You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon, “soaring majestic over the Wine Country of Santa Barbara. Maybe cool it on the ‘gays.'” (laughter) But it was enough. It was enough to shake me. He’s right here. I was planning to be very flowery, I was gonna be like, “Val, ever since “I first saw you, I knew… You are like the sun, and the moon, and the sky.” But I got this fucking– (laughter) “You gonna do it?” (laughter) So I got nervous– this is a hundred percent real. I took the ring out. Val acted surprised, “Oooo!” Nice girl. But I froze up. I just went, “Val…” (laughter) “I would be honored to call you my wife.” (laughter) That’s all I said. -(laughter) -I blew it! I didn’t propose. You’re supposed to propose. You’re supposed to say, “Will you marry me?” I just went, “It would be great.” (laughter) “Let’s get the law involved.” (laughter and applause) I didn’t give her anything to respond to. It’s like we were playing tennis, but she didn’t have a racket. I was just like, “pop,” and she was like… (laughter) But she’s good. She said yes. Even though I didn’t say anything, she went, “Yeah!” I put the ring on. I’m wondering what fucking Affleck’s gonna say. I don’t want him to judge me. I don’t want him to be like, “Yeah, Man marrying a woman? That’s fucking gay!” -(balloon torch sound) -(laughter) That’s not what he said. This is a hundred percent real, this is true. It’s dead quiet in the balloon. I just proposed, she said yes. I didn’t propose, but she said yes. What’s the guy gonna say? Hundred percent real. He does two celebratory toots of the flame… (torch sounds) This is a hundred percent real, he goes, “A lot of girls up here… they say no.” (laughter) As if that wasn’t bad enough, then he adds, “One girl said yes in the basket, when we landed said no.” (laughter) “Clever girl.” (laughter) Clever girl? Don’t “Jurassic Park” my engagement story. -(indistinct) -(laughter)

Did you know the movie “Three Amigos” was released in Spanish-speaking countries as ” Tres Friends?” (laughter)

What else can I tell ya? I’m older. I like traffic. I’m being real with you, I don’t mind traffic. I’m not just doing material that fits my friendly face. (laughter) You can imagine being in traffic and just look at me being all like… (laughter) But I mean it, I don’t mind traffic. Is this a traffic city? (cheers and confirmations) Eh, who cares? (laughter) What’s the big deal? Just sit there. Nothing is being asked of you, just fucking remain. (laughter) Surrender… (Pete laughing) Surrender and remain. I know I’m in the minority. I always look to my left, there’s always a guy in a white BMW that’s like, “God fucking dammit!” A vein in his neck like a white chocolate Snickers bar. (screaming) (laughter) Like, where are you going? Seriously, where are you headed? You stupid bitch… Where are you going? (laughter and applause) Seriously, what is so important? You’re just like… (screams) “I’ll be happy when I’m at work!” (laughter) Be happy now. Enjoy everything.

Really… that’s why I don’t use Waze. You guys know what Waze is? Waze is the app that uses crowd-sourced info to get you around traffic. I know a lot of you probably like Waze. Does anybody here hate Waze? (scattered cheers) Fuck Waze. (laughter) I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze. Listen to me. It’s not the way of the soul. (laughter) It’s all head, it’s no heart. Do you know what I mean? It just sucks you in, and you’re just like, “Traffic? Ha! We’ll see about that.” (laughter) Right, left, right, left. Left, left, left. Right, right, left. Right, left, right. “I’m a special boy!” (laughter) Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch. Give up! I don’t need– I don’t need to save five minutes careening through gated communities. (laughter) We don’t belong on those roads. Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there! And even if you like– Even if you like it, I think we can agree there should be a medium setting. (laughter) Why am I thinking of this? I’m not an app developer. There should be a medium. There’s no medium. It’s either off or Indiana Jones. That’s all you got. It’s either radio silence, or it thinks you’re rushing a kidney to the Obama family. (laughter) But I say fuck it. I mean this. Give up. Surrender. Just get on the freeway with the rest of us. Long, slow, straight. Good. Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being alone? Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship alive. Listen to a podcast. My friends all get there– I feel you pulling away. I– my… (laughter) That’s okay. My friends all use Waze, they get to the office five minutes before me. You can tell they use Waze, ’cause they’re white as a sheet. Their eyes are bugging out of their head from making those suicide lefts onto five oncoming lanes of traffic, just like, (screams) (screaming) “This is a shortcut!” (laughter) You can be five minutes early, I’ll be ten minutes late and tell everyone what I learned on “This American Life.” That’s a better way. It’s a better way. (cheers and applause)

What I’m saying is enjoy everything. This is all we have. Or maybe it’s not, I don’t know. I won’t make fun of your answers, does anybody here– clap if you believe in an afterlife. (applause) Clap if you don’t believe in it, but you’re open to it. -(applause) -You don’t think there’s evidence, -but you’re open to it. -(applause) Anybody reincarnation? Reincarnation? (scattered clapping) And who thinks it’s just dead over, you just unplug the TV, boom? (applause) I think you’re all right. (laughter) I think those are all correct answers. What I think is funny about it, though, is all my friends think it’s dead over. They just think you unplug the TV, and it’s lights out. And they all say the same thing to me. They’re just like, “Pete, think about it. “Afterlife? “Makes no sense. “Makes no sense, an afterlife. “You think an afterlife makes sense? “You gotta think about that again, cause an afterlife…” (laughter) “Afterlife makes no sense.” And I’m always like, “Yeah, I agree with you. “You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this.” (laughter) “Life makes no fucking sense.” So I would argue that life sets a precedent for potentially more shit that makes no sense. Does that make sense? -(cheers and applause) -But my friends… -Why not? -(applause) But my friends are all like, “Nah, man, there’s this bullshit “that we all woke up in that’s confusing, that none of us asked for.” (laughter) “And then no more bullshit. It’s a one-time bullshit deal.” What? Nothing makes fucking sense. Life makes no sense. You’re on a planet right now. You think you’re in America? Zoom out. (laughter) You’re on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinite nothingness. And the infinite nothingness is expanding. That means endlessness is getting bigger. That makes no fucking sense. (laughter and applause) We all just act like it’s normal. Like, “Oh, we’re– everything’s made of molecules.” “Okay…” (laughter) “Got it. I’ll never think about that again.” I’m made of molecules, you’re made of molecules. The air between us, it’s all made of molecules. That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they’re molecules? These molecules are like, “I’m Pete.” That doesn’t make any sense. (laughter) This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my hand. In fact, some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I’ve been talking, and some that were me have gone into this stool. And you when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when we ask science, “Why don’t they go through each other?” You know what the answer is? “We don’t know.” (laughter) That doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I’m open to anything. If I died– listen to me. If I died and it was just kitty cat Thanksgiving, I’d be like, “Yeah, okay. “Makes about as much sense as the fucking conundrum “I was just stuck in. Pass the gravy.” (laughter) I’m not saying it’s for sure, I’m just saying it’s worth debating. It makes me wonder, like… I wonder, as a thought experiment, if we were somewhere before we were here, if we were just mist. Like each of you didn’t have a body, you were just mist, you were just awareness. If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial area, just debating the existence of life. Just like, “You believe in life?” (laughter) “Get real!” (laughter) “You think there’s hot dogs and roller skates? You’re a child!” (laughter) “Didn’t you go to college?” Don’t get me wrong, nothing is absolutely one of the choices. Absolutely, I see that for sure, and I’m not afraid of nothing. I’m not afraid of nothing. (laughter) Who fucking cares? It’s nothing. If you’re nothing, people be like, “I don’t wanna be nothing.” Who fu– you won’t be there! Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you’re like, “Bye-bye, Pete,” like, fine. (laughter)

I just don’t wanna go to Hell. (laughing) There’s no Hell! (laughter and applause) Be reasonable, there’s no fucking Hell! (screaming) (laughter) Don’t wanna be wrong about that one. (laughter) If there is a Hell, I don’t think the worst part will be the torture. I think the worst part would be that we don’t get breaks to talk about the torture. (laughter) I think that’s what would make it Hell. Like if they would blow a whistle every twenty minutes, and we all just gather in a common area and drink boiling water. Just like, “What are they doing to you?” I’ll say, “Oh, yeah, I’m in a room with millions of little crabs.” (laughter) “It’s like tiny little crabs and they’re eating me real slow.” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah. With the little nibbles?” “Yeah! Yeah! The little nibbles!” (laughter) “What are they doing to you?” “Oh, I’m getting fucked by a donkey.” (laughter) “Yeah, they’re running out of ideas down here. It’s been a while, we’re falling in love.” (laughter)

I think– I think that might be my heaven. Like suffering, then talking about it, suffering, then talking about it. Like what we’re doing here. You know what I’m saying? (laughter and applause) What if the last words of the bible were “You had to be there.” What if that– (laughter) Get to the end, it’s like, “It really would’ve made more sense if you saw this.” (laughter)

One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called “God Helps Those That Help Themselves.” (laughter) Oh, let’s do this. This is something I want to do. On the count of three… Don’t say anything, don’t say anything. But just check if you have to pee. All of us are gonna do it. At the same time, we’re all gonna check. Don’t say anything. 3… 2… 1… Check if you have to pee. (laughter) What was that? (laughter) I’m serious, what did you just do? Let’s just do it again, especially if you didn’t do it the first time, 3-2-1… Check if you have to pee. What? (laughter) Like, what action did you just command? You’re like, “Okay, go down. Uh, send something down.” (laughter) Like, most of the time, you’re up here. Like, who you are is behind your eyes, and you just sort of puppeteer your body. You know, you’re just kind of dangling down there like a marionette, and you’re like, “Get that Diet Coke. Send the arm.” (laughter) -“Give it to us.” -(chugging noises) (laughter) But every once in a while when you check if you have to pee, you send a little piece of you repelling down on a reconnaissance mission to your dick or your pussy, and you’re just like… (laughter) “30%. I’d say like twenty more minutes.” (laughter)

Like, I’m so tired of not talking about this. Your brain is weird. Your brain has eyes. Like, you have eyes, but your brain also has eyes that sees things that only you can see. Like, picture an orange. Keep your eyes open but picture an orange. The fuck? (laughter) Like, really do it, keep ’em open, but think really hard about an orange. What the shit? Just for a second, bink! Just a giant orange. I don’t know how big yours was, mine was giant. Just a giant translucent orange that only you can see. God, I hope you’re stoned. (laughter) God, I hope you’re stoned. But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting?

Like, your brain has ears. Seriously, it has ears. You have ears, your brain also has ears. Sing “Happy Birthday” in your head; we’ll all do it. Everybody sing “Happy Birthday” in your head right now. (laughter) How are you hearing that? I’m serious, what the fuck is going on? It’s so normal. We’re just like, “Yeah, I could hear it. No one else could hear it. I could hear it.” There’s just a part of you listening, like, “Yeah, Happy Birthday.” (laughter) What’s going on? Make it louder. Let’s sing it again, but make it as loud as you possibly can. Ready? Go. (laughter) Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder. (applause) Clap if it wasn’t louder, the voice was just going, (shouting) “Happy Birthday…” (applause) Okay, so you can’t make it louder? So there’s just a set volume for your thoughts? How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume? Maybe some people it’s louder, maybe that’s what crazy people are. They’re not crazy, they just have a fucked up volume. They’re walking around and they’re just like, “Buy a hammer.” “All right!” (laughter) “Kill that pigeon, it’s your dad.” “Okay!” (laughter) “With the hammer?” “Yes.” “Ohhhhh!” (laughter)

I was having lunch with a friend of mine. He’s black. I tell you he’s black for a reason, because during the lunch he kept saying the N word. Said it like thirty times. He didn’t say the word, he kept saying, “the N word.” I was like, “Uh, hey… That’s our phrase.” (laughter) Oooo, some of you are sitting that one out, I can see that. There’s a pheromone that white people release when they’re not sure if they can laugh at a joke. They’re like, “I heard the words necessary to make a racist joke, “I’m gonna take a pause here. We’ll laugh in the Audi. It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine.” (laughter) I think it’s interesting, though, there’s some races– It’s 2018, there’s still some races it’s totally fine to be racist towards. I don’t mean like hate speech. I mean like casual, socially-acceptable racism, like towards Italians. Why is that okay? You all know what I’m talking about. I can be with my Italian friends, it’s totally fine for me to be like, “You guys want to, uh– you want to get a… (imitating Italian accent) Pizza pie?” (laughter) (normal voice) What the fuck? Why is that okay? (Italian accent) “Oh, linguine with clams!” (normal voice) I know a lot of you are Italian. I’m not Italian. (Italian accent) “Oh, molto bene !” (normal voice) No one’s gonna tweet about this. This is not a controversy, it’s fine. It’s in our video games. (Italian accent) “It’sa me, Mario.” (laughter) (normal voice) ‘It’sa me?’ ‘It’sa me,’ just an impression of an immigrant struggling with the language. (laughter) (Italian accent) “I’ma Luigi, I’ma gonna win-a.” (normal voice) Don’t tease him, he’s new here. (laughter) Help him find the bus, help him find work. Why is that okay? It’s like a weird blind spot. You can’t say, ‘herrow.’ (laughter) I agree, why is it fine to be like, “Oh, Giuseppe?” Like, it’s crazy… They’re gonna make a Mad Men type show about this time that we’re in now, and we’re all gonna watch and be like, “Huh… Things were different!” Like, it’s not– it’s now. Things are different now. We’re living through a weird fucking time right now. “Ohhhhhhh!” Enjoy it. Three more years. (laughter)

We are living in the future. Well, now we are– now. Now. Now is the future– now. Now’s the future. Now. You know what I think is fucking crazy about living now? Elon Musk, you know, the crazy billionaire dude, invented the self-driving car. It’s crazy, this isn’t something they’re working on, they made it. They have a self-driving car now. What I think is funny about that is it doesn’t matter how fancy an invention Elon Musk makes, he’s still just one of these. Does that make sense? Like he’s still– he’s stuck in one of these meat puppets. Just like you and me, just like a baboon, he’s just a guy just going around. There’s some things you can’t upgrade… is my point. Like, he’s working on impossible math to make a self-driving car, but when he gets hungry there’s no technology. He just goes, “Oh, there’s a rumble in my jumble.” Like, he just feels– (laughter) Just like you and me, just goes, “Oh, I gotta eat!” Then he gets a plate. That’s the height of technology, a plate. Just a level surface for his food with a piece of salmon on it, and he wants that salmon in him. It’s too big, so he gets a fork and a knife. That’s the height of the technology. And he cuts it into a mouth-sized piece and he goes, “That’s about right.” It’s too hot, so he goes… (blowing noises) He can’t upgrade this. He just has to go… (blowing noises) “Mouth-wind activate.” (blowing noises) And he puts it in his mouth and he gnaws it. (gnawing sounds) He swallows it like a fucking pelican, cause that’s the best he can do. (gulping noises) You understand? He can’t upgrade this. Like when he has to shit, he doesn’t have a contact lens that goes like, “Elon, shit detected.” (laughter) He just feels it like you and me. He just goes, “Oh, that’s not gas.” (grunting as Elon Musk) “I feel shame.” (laughter) “I feel shame and I want to be alone.” (laughter) So he makes an excuse with his egghead friends. He’s like, “Oh, I have to make a phone call.” But no, he doesn’t. He has to go in a little room and squat on a bowl that’s filled with water. That’s the best we can do. That is the height of the technology. Is a bowl filled with water, and he squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti and he bears down. He goes, “Elon, push…” (grunting) Don’t you back away from me right now, this is what he fucking does. He pushes and he hears, “Plop, plop, plop.” And that’s how he knows progress is being made. (laughter) And then when he thinks he’s done, and he’s not always right… (laughter) When he thinks he’s done, he gets paper. That’s the best we have, paper. You know, from ancient Egypt. And he wipes his shitty ass and then he looks at it. (laughter and applause) Don’t you fucking pull away from me. Everyone in this room knows there’s no better method than the wipe and the look. The old wipe and look. He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, and then he goes, “Oh, I got some work ahead of me.” (laughter) He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, “Getting there.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Clean but I don’t trust it.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Good thing I didn’t stop while I was ahead.” (laughter) And then he gets to what he considers an Elon-level of clean, he washes his hands, gets in his car, and goes, (beep sound) “Home.” (laughter) (cheers and applause)

Crazy. All porn happened in the past. (laughter) Like, I know there’s cams and stuff, but for the most part, it was earlier. Like we’re ahead of them. Like we’re now and they’re then. They’re like back then and we know shit they don’t know. They’re back then like, “Ohhhhhhhh! I wonder if Hillary’s gonna win.” Like, they don’t know. (laughter) “When’s the McRib coming back?” They’re in the dark. We’re the dum-dums that are home just going like, “It’s now in my mind.” Like, it’s a pretend… But I’m off porn, I really– I go off and on. It’s hard, it’s addictive. But I knew I had to go off, cause the last time I was watching– using it. I don’t know what you say. I was watching it, I was mastur– Of course I was masturbating. Be weird if I was just like, “Ah-ha!” (laughter) I was masturbating. And when– I’m sorry… (laughing) And when I was finishing, I didn’t give the order to say anything, but I involuntarily, while I was cumming, I went, “Not worth it.” (laughter and applause) Cause it wasn’t! It wasn’t worth it… that dirty feeling I had to carry around with me the rest of the day. I had to go to the post office. There’s kids and old women there. I had to be like, “I’m not a monster,” like, I had to. (laughter) I have to be off porn, though, cause it’s the acting. One of the things that really ruins it for me is the acting. And I don’t even mean the acting before the sex, where they’re like, “I have a pizza for Misty.” Like not that. (laughter) I’m talking about the acting during the sex. For the most part, it’s normal, but every once in a while, you come across a man or woman that’s just overdoing it. Like I saw– the last clip I watched– this is a hundred percent accurate impression… I’ll send you the link. (laughter) This woman was going nuts. It’s a regular sex scene, just normal stuff, and she was going… (laughing) Okay. (audience laughs and applauds) She’s going… (gibberish sex noises) (laughter) (unintelligible sex moans) “Fuck that pussy!” I’m not even exaggerating, “Fuck that pussy!” Like, in the scene before, she was normal. She was like, “Hello,” and then when the sex– (animalistic shouting) Like, what are you doing? Have you had sex before? This isn’t an exorcism. People are trying to masturbate. (over-enthusiastic sex noises) “There was no script, we let you improvise, and this is what you come in with?” (laughter) Did she rehearse that? Like in her trailer in front of the mirror before? Just like, “I’ll be right out!” (laughter) “Wooooo.” (laughter) (Italian accent) ” Molto bene ! No.” (laughter and applause) (normal voice) “Seems racist.” (laughter) (guttural sex sound) (laughter) “Fuck that pussy– “Nope, no… not quite right. “Fuck that… “Pusssssyyyyyyyyy! I’m ready!”

Portland… -(cheers and applause) Thank you so, so, so much. Best crowd I’ve had in a long time. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you. I see it. Thank you guys! Keep it crispy. Be good. Good night! ♪ I get a little punchy with the vodka ♪ ♪ just like my great uncle Valentine Jester did ♪ ♪ But he had to deal with those people like you ♪ ♪ Who made no goddamn common sense ♪ ♪ I’d rather walk all the way home right now ♪ ♪ Than to spend one more second in this place ♪ ♪ I’m exactly like you Valentine, just ♪ ♪ Come outside and leave with me ♪ ♪ Let’s just get high enough to see our problems♪ ♪ Let’s just get high enough to see ♪ ♪ Our fathers’ houses ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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