Pete Davidson Presents: The Best Friends (2022) | Transcript

Pete Davidson jokes about rumors, free plane rides and his very weird year as he invites his friends onstage for a night of stand-up comedy and music.
Pete Davidson Presents: The Best Friends

♪ Old lady on my case again ♪

♪ Told me straighten up Tuck your shirt in ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like I can’t win ♪

♪ Get the fuck up out the crib For a spin ♪

♪ And I ain’t had a drink since Friday night ♪

♪ Three days since I even had a smoke ♪

♪ But I’m drawn like a moth To the neon light ♪

♪ Need a dart and some songs From the medicine pool ♪

♪ I been drinking beer for a minute ♪

♪ And your little Juul Ain’t hittin’ ♪

♪ If I want a bump Better get it ♪

♪ Tequila and cigarettes ♪

♪ Musta drank a rack Don’t feel it ♪

♪ Fuckin’ in… ♪

[announcer] Now everybody put your hands together… for Pete Davidson!

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Hello. Wow. Thanks. Thank you. Alright. So how’s your year going? Good? I’ve had a really weird year. I had an AIDS scare this year. Yeah, I did, and you’re like, “Pete, wow, what’s going on in your life? Are you sharing needles? You doing heroin? Are you having tons of unprotected sex?” No, Kanye told me I had AIDS. And uh… And he’s a… He’s a genius, so I was like, “Oh, fuck.” I was like, “I better call my doctor.” The guy who made College Dropout thinks I have AIDS. So I went to the doctor, I actually got checked. Because I was like, “Maybe he’s right, I don’t know.” I was like, “I don’t know.” So my doctor told me, I don’t have AIDS, I just look like I have it, so… it’s a completely different thing. You know what’s really funny about that? AIDS is just such an old school thing, like, “You have AIDS.” It’s just such a ’90s, early2000s thing to… You know what I mean? John Mulaney called me, he’s like, “AIDS? You should spread a rumor that he has polio!”

Does anybody else secretly hope that Kanye pulls, like a… Mrs. Doubtfire? They come home one day, and they’re like, “This is the new housekeeper,” and he’s like, “What’s up, fam?” Yeah, it’s a really weird thing to go through. There’s because you know, people try to give you advice, but even friends that are older, they’re like, “I don’t… know.” He’s like, “It looks pretty bad, bro, I hope… Good luck, sorry, here if you need,” but like, no advice. No one was like, “This is what you do.” Everyone was like, “I don’t know… yeah. You staying with your mom? You in a safe spot?” People ask me weird questions. So that’s the only thing I don’t like. They ask this weird stuff. Like the other day, somebody came up to me and was like, “I heard you’re friends with Jack Harlow!” And I am. He’s a very great, talented rapper. He’s a cool dude. Nice guy. So we’re pals, right? And Kanye put him on his new album. Even though I’ve been friends with him for like two, three years, you know, he did it anyway. People come up to me and they’re like, “How does that make you feel? Does that bother you? Does that get under your skin?” And I’m like, “No, he’s a rapper.” That’s his field, that’s what they do. That doesn’t hurt my feelings. It would hurt my feelings if I saw, like, Bill Burr at Sunday service. I’d be like, “What the fuck, Bill?” He’d be like, “Find God, Petey, go fuck yourself! Jesus!” Yeah, I don’t get it. A lot of people are very angry. It’s always 5050 when I go outside. Yeah, it is. It’s always 5050. Either someone’s just like, “Hey, man, you’re really cool, that’s great.” Or someone’s like, “Hey, yo! Fuck you! Fuck you! Yeah, you!” I always am like, “Can’t be me.”

It’s weird, it’s all weird because… right before, December 2021, I call it “the before time”. Before my life was ruined, it was like… Yeah, it’s like COVID happened and then another COVID happened personally to me. That was a really good month, December 2021. I remember, I went to a Knicks game with my good pals, Jon Stewart and Chris Rock, right? So we went to this Knicks game… Yeah, they’re the best. And very hilarious that they hang out with me. It’s really weird. But I’m stoked, because they’re heroes. So we’re watching the game, and it’s the game when Steph Curry breaks the threepoint record, right? And I remember he broke the threepoint record in the first quarter, and just somehow, how we were placed, because he shot it from over there and me, Jon, and Chris were under the basket. So like, in the picture that everybody put out, that’s like here’s him breaking the record, us three are just, like… Like, we all look… We completely photobombed his, whatever, basketball card that’s going to be, like, forever. And it was such a good night, but it’s so weird because since then, horrible things have happened to me and Chris. So Jon Stewart, if you’re watching… watch your fucking back. Lucky bastard. It’s like Chris gets slapped, I get decapitated, then Jon Stewart wins the Mark Twain award. So… I haven’t been on stage much, but I’ve been trying to make a joke about Epstein’s plane funny. That’s usually how it goes. In any room that I ever pitch this joke on. But I just, like… hear me out. The guy, obviously, bad dude. You got to get that out of the way. Bad dude, shouldn’t do that stuff. But I didn’t understand why people were mad at all the dudes that took a free plane ride. Like, the Jeffery Epstein doc came out and this dude raped and did a bunch of terrible stuff to little young girls, and then people would be like, “Can you believe Chris Tucker rode on that plane?” It’s like, “Yeah, have you ever tried to fly commercial? From fucking L.A. to New York? It’s a fucking nightmare.” Because I’ve been in situations now… Let me rephrase that. I know a dude who gives me free plane rides, right? I don’t really know what he does, he tells me he’s in the “waste management” business. That’s what he says, “I’m in waste management. I’m a garbageman.” I go, “Yeah, tons of garbagemen have private jets, so…” But I just don’t ask. I’m just like, “Okay, whatever.” Because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking the plane with a guy. You don’t have to support what the guy does. So I fly with one pedophile, right? If you fly commercial, there’s at least, like, five pedophiles. And you don’t know who they are. I know who mine is, it’s right in front of me with a mimosa and some strawberry chocolates. Thank you guys for being out here. You guys ready to start?

[cheers and applause]

Coming to the stage, give it up for my friend, Big Wet!

♪ I don’t know if I should Go out tonight ♪
♪ ‘Cause it’s getting pretty late ♪
♪ But I just got back into town ♪
♪ And I sure can’t wait ♪
♪ So I take my ass down to Sophie’s ♪
♪ A shot and a beer there Waiting for me ♪
♪ Big Red and the boys Got a table in the back ♪
♪ And there’s an open chair for me ♪
♪ And I’m rollin’ with my squad ♪
♪ And we don’t try too hard ♪
♪ One tab when we’re at the bar ♪
♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪
♪ And I’m rollin’ with my squad ♪
♪ Don’t forget who you are ♪
♪ Yeah, I made it this far ♪
♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪
♪ It ain’t the size of the dog In the fight ♪
♪ But the fight in the dog We don’t bark, we just bite ♪
♪ Once you let us off the leash We be chomping our teeth ♪
♪ We be gettin’ that green We be smoking them trees ♪
♪ And we shotgun beers and We conquer our fears ♪
♪ ‘Cause we’re all best friends And we hold each other dear ♪
♪ And I’d give my last meal To anyone from my squad ♪
♪ Squad up! ♪
♪ Squad up! ♪

When they’re trying to act like they’re not filming, they look away, but point directly at… Right? That’s wack. I like when they go, “Yo, I don’t care who you are…” And I’m like, “Then why the fuck…?” They’ll be like, “Yo, my friends think you’re fucking wack as fuck, but I don’t listen to them. I ride I tell them they don’t know what they’re doing…” Nobody can ever just be like, “Hey, man, good job.” [Giulio] Right. You know?

♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪

Big Wet, ladies and gentlemen!

♪ Squad up! ♪
♪ Rollin’ with my squad ♪

You guys ready to kick it off?

♪ Squad up! ♪
♪ Squad! ♪

Make some noise for your first comic, Neko White! L.A., one more time for Pete Davidson, give him a round of applause, huh? Yes! Pleasure to be in front of y’all tonight. My name is Neko White. I made a very simple goal. And that is to mind my business at the highest level possible. Now, I take this very seriously. You guys in here tonight, I appreciate that, while you’re in here. Once we get outside, whatever happens to you… is not my business, you understand me? If we in here, we cool. You outside, you get robbed, you see me, don’t make eye contact. Because I’m telling you now, if you look at me, “Neko, help!” Hey, man, it was a good show, I’ma holler at you. I mind my business. Now recently, I went to get a haircut. As soon as I walked into the barber shop, my barber goes, “Hey, man. You see this shit with Dwyane Wade’s son?” “No. That’s not my business. I got bills, bro. I got a whole real life.” Do you understand that where I live, I have a crackhead doorman? And where I live, we don’t hire doormen. This lady just showed up one day. She held the door for one person, and she’s been back every day since. And what pisses me off is that she has a custom greeting just for me. When I walk in the building, she goes, “Mr. Neko White. Ow, ow, ow.” What the fuck does that mean? “Ow, ow, ow”? I don’t speak crack Morse code, what are you saying to me? So no, I don’t know what’s going on with Dwyane Wade or his richass kid. I said that, my barber go, “Nah. See, Dwyane Wade had a son that was born a boy, but now, at 11 years old, his son say, ‘I’m a woman on the inside.’ So now when he get older, he goin’ to chop his dick off. And he gonna become a woman. Now ain’t that shit weird?” “I’m here for a fade, man. Little off the side, square in the back. What are you doing right now? Do you realize that it’s only 10:02 in the morning? Do you know that? Do you know I smoked the Sativa before I came here? Do you know that? Do you know how paranoid I am right now? And you’re going to ask me that cancelableass question? In front of all these mirrors in this barber shop? Do you know how many ‘mes’ I see in either direction right now? I’m here for a fade, man. Little off the side, square in the back.” My barber didn’t flinch. “Ain’t that shit weird?” “Yeah. Yeah, it’s weird… that you know what an 11yearold that you’re not related to want to do with their dick. That’s very weird. I’m just saying. I have a nephew that’s 11. Know what I know about him? He 11, and that’s where it stops. I don’t know nothing extra. I don’t know his name, I don’t know his birthday, and I don’t know his dick aspirations. But he 11.” When I said that, my barber goes, “Alright, Mr. HolierThanThou. What if it was your son?” “What if it was my son? I’d still need a fade. But you want to play hypotheticals with me? I do that all day, brother! Let’s do that!” What if it was my son? I could see that. I could see me walking to my son’s room, knocking on his door. “Hey, baby boy, look here. Your papa’s tired. Would you mind taking the garbage out for me, Big Dog? I’d really appreciate that.” “Dad?” “Yeah, what’s going on?” [whimpering softly] You know when a kid really think they telling you something? [whimpering softly] “Dad, um… I’m a woman on the inside.” “I just asked you to take out the garbage. Did you know it was only 10:02 in the morning right now? Did you know that? You know I smoked the Sativa before I came in here. You ever notice how many mirrors you got in your room? I’ll be right back, kid.” [imitates door closing] [exhales] Okay. “Hey, baby girl, would you mind taking that garbage out for your papa?” L.A., you’ve been excellent. My name’s Neko White. Thank you!

[cheers and applause]

Now then, you ready for more show? I don’t think you can hear me. Are you ready for more show? Coming to the stage is a very dear friend of mine from New York City. Y’all, put your hands together for Giulio Gallarotti!

[cheers and applause]

One more time for Neko, guys! Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. Sound about right? Yeah, that sounds good. Good. Feeling good. You know, comedians travel a lot. So we see a lot of crazy stuff. I saw something on a plane the other day that I couldn’t believe was on a plane. Just a guy… with a falcon. And it wasn’t in a cage, just on his arm. And I was like, “How is that allowed on a plane? You can just bring a falcon on a plane? I can’t bring four ounces of water on a plane. But I can bring a falcon? Birds of prey? No problem.” That’s crazy. I started thinking about it, and I’m like, the idea of a falcon having to fly in a plane. The flight was only an hour! The falcon can easily fly there on its own. I was convinced that right before we actually got on the plane, the guy was just going to be like, “Alright dude, see you there.” How is this allowed? When I saw the falcon, I was making a video. I made sure I got the falcon in there with a cameo. I was editing that video for two or three months, and I was just looking at myself every day, and I just started hating the way that I look. Specifically, I was a little heavier too, in the video. My body… I was just not that down. [gags] I don’t gain weight in a masculine way. When I gain weight, it immediately just starts to be like… I start to get all curvy! I feel like as a guy, you don’t want your descriptive word to be “voluptuous.” Oh yeah, G’s thick, dude. It’s crazy. It’s amazing, like, if you can see yourself on a video, that’s a great way to know that you’ve gained weight. But otherwise, how do you find out? Typically, your rudest friend will tell you. Which is a crazy thing to be doing. I’ll never forget the last time this happened to me, I went to visit one of my friends, and the person who told me I’d gained weight was the guy who mows his lawn. He’s a very nice guy, but doesn’t speak English at all. But still, he was able to convey to me that he thought I’d gained weight. Which I’ll never forget. Because I show up, I’m like, “Hey, what’s up?” He goes, “Papi…” And I was in denial, I was like, “Maybe he just thinks I look strong or something.” I don’t know how one could ever think that this means strong. So I just said, “Oh, thank you, papi.” And he made sure to clarify. He goes, “No, papi…” And to make sure there was no mistake in my brain, he just starts going… [lips smacking] I’m like, “Dude, you’re a dick.” Isn’t that sad? I don’t know. I can’t imagine ever saying some shit like that to somebody’s face. I would at least wait for them to leave the room. Then I’d be like, “Man, he looks terrible.” I say “bro” a lot when I talk, and then sometimes I get selfconscious that I’m going to get grouped in with a group of people that I feel like I shouldn’t be associated with. You know, rambunctious, young white men. I’m like to the point to where I see a group of bros, I actually get disgusted. I’m like, “Look at these… fucking bros.” It can ruin my mood. I went to dinner, it was a sushi restaurant that I was really looking forward to going to eat at. It was fancy. I sit down. They seat me next to these bros. And I’m looking over there like, “Look at these fucking bros.” They’re not even going to appreciate this meal. They’re going to be ordering shit that isn’t even on the menu. “Can we get some sake bombs?” Their dads are probably paying. Dude, fuck this. So I was like, “You know what? I’m going to monitor them. To make sure they’re being wellbehaved.” I don’t know what power I have. Just… to prove myself right. And as it turns out, these bros, were wonderful gentlemen. They were great guys. I swear, they were mildmannered and polite, compassionate with the waitstaff. They were engaging in thoughtprovoking conversation. While maintaining their inside voices the entire time. I was like, “These bros were raised right. These bros are pros.” Seriously, it was as if these bros had achieved the next level of “brodom”. Which I didn’t even know was possible. You guys probably think that perhaps they weren’t bros at all. But they were, because they were still doing all the shit that bros do, but just in a much more classy and sophisticated manner. I’ll give you the best example. A plate of sushi comes over. One of the bros scoops up a piece, perfect chopstick work. And then he takes a bite, and he just started really earnestly enjoying it. And then he said the most bro thing you could ever say, but in a much more classy and refined way. So I’ll never forget, he’s like, “Fire.” “Fire.” I said, “Send some sake bombs over there on me, dude. This bro’s awesome.” Guys, thank you very much, I really appreciate it. Aw, it was super fun. You guys ready for the next comedian? If you make some noise, I’ll bring her out, make some noise!

[cheers and applause]

Guys, the next comedian coming to the stage, she’s amazing. One of my best friends. I love her. Please give it up for Carly Aquilino!

[cheers and applause]

Wow! Thank you, oh my God, thank you guys so much! How’s everybody feeling, good? Good, we love it. Did you guys hear there’s a new variant? We don’t care, right? None of us? We’re all here, we’re having fun. I did all the things. Anytime they tell me there’s a new variant, I’m like, “Okay, I got the vaccines” when I still wasn’t sure about the vaccines. Like, I trusted the vaccines blindly. My friends were like, “I trust science!” I’m like, “I don’t know science at all. I’m sorry. Never learned it. Don’t know anything about it.” I’m kind of dealing with the vaccine the way I deal with men in my life. I’m like, “I’ll do this, but… I won’t be surprised… if I end up regretting it.” I miss a lot of things about the lockdown. Is that bad to say? [audience] No! No! I took seven walks a day. I miss those videos that went viral every single day of just a woman that didn’t want to wear her mask. I love that lady, I love them. It was always the same thing, too. It was just some lady like, “You can’t tell me…” I’m sorry that she’s Southern. It’s just… that she was always Southern. “You can’t tell me what to do.” And the other person was just like, “Ma’am, this is a Long John Silver’s and… you’re not wearing any shoes.” I… I went through a lot, kind of, during the lockdown. I’m 31 now but I turned 30 during the whole thing. Thank you! Wow, are you guys all 30? Like, every single one of you? That’s cool. I went through this thing, though, where I thought about where I would be at this point in my life. Like, what I would have thought as a teenager. Do you ever do that? It messes me up. Like, if you would have asked me at 15 years old, I would be like, “Um, okay. First of all, here’s the stuff that’s going to happen. 31, ew, that’s disgusting, but… So, I’m definitely going to get married when I’m 20. For sure. That’s happening. And then, I’m just going to go to Europe for five years, because that doesn’t cost any money. That’s free. And then by the time I’m 31, I’m going to have three kids, just be a stayathome mom.” And now I’m 31, and I’m always like, “Do I have… two tampons in right now?” I don’t even know… I don’t even know where they go. Honestly. I… I have no way… I lose them constantly. I have no idea where they are. That’s my biggest fear as a grown woman. Can you imagine? By the way, that happened to me. And I don’t want to talk about it, but I’ll tell you guys everything. So I went to go to the bathroom. And I pull my pants down and I look down, and I saw two strings. And I was like… [gasps] “Am I a ceiling fan? Why…? Why exactly are there two strings coming out of my body right now?” I don’t know if you guys know this, anything more than one string is classified as an emergency. That’s bad, it’s a bad vibe. I had to go to the doctor. My poor gyno, this poor woman, I feel so bad for her. She hates me, I know that she does. I’m always going to her with problems that I make up, like, I always think I’m pregnant. Every single month I think I’m pregnant. Even if I don’t have sex, I’m like, “Mm, I don’t know, happened to Mary. It could definitely happen to me.” The last time I went in to her for that, she said, “Let me ask you a question. The person that you were with, did he withdraw?” Took me a second, definitely took me a second to realize what she said. And then when I figured it out, I was like, “That was so classy.” Honestly, I felt like a princess. I was like, “This was really nice for me. Thank you so much.” I had never heard it said that way. “Withdraw”? I was like, “Girl… he deposits. He’s making a lot of transactions, and… it’s bad.” I also went through a breakup during the pandemic which was kind of crazy. You know it’s bad when in the middle of a lockdown somebody looks at you and they’re like, “Hey, we should see other people.” I was like, “That’s illegal, but… I get it.” You know? So now I’m dating again, and it’s hard. You can’t do it. How am I supposed to go out and meet people? When I was young, I would worry. I would worry so much when I went out with a guy. I would be like, “Is he going to kill me?” And now I would prefer it. Like “I… I’m done. No, I’m done. Thank you. I’m all set. I’ve seen enough. I’m done.” I’ve realized that I have very bad judgment when it comes to men. I was at a bar, and I see this guy at the other end of the bar and I’m with my friends, and he had four tattoos on his face. And I saw it, and I was like, “I’m going to fix it. Whatever it is, I will fix that.” And… my friends were like, “I think he’s in a gang.” I was like, “I think you’re jealous of me.” Like… “I’m sorry. I have a boyfriend, you don’t. Like… Girl, if you can’t find a man, just say that.” And that’s really how I feel. I’m sorry, but it’s a lot of jealousy. But I feel like we don’t see the red flags. We want to see the good in people. I always make up excuses for guys. I’ll go out on date, my friends will be like, “Hey, how was your first date?” I’m like, “Um… [tearfully] well, he made me cry, and he’s definitely a liar, and I think he’s married. And I think he stole 20 dollars out of my bag, but… there’s just something about him. I really do… I feel good about this.”

Thank you guys so much, you’re such a fun crowd. Are you ready to keep this show going? I want you to give a warm welcome to such a funny guy, Dave Sirus!

[cheers and applause]

Alright, how you guys doing? Everything went great. Great, well, my name’s Dave, I’ll be your Jew for the evening. But honestly, thank you all so much for being here. It is so amazing for me to see all you, to be here, to see that my friendship with Pete is finally paying off. Yeah, I’m Jewish. I’m also Russian. So… that’s fun now. Yeah, I’m a Russian Jew, so you know what that means: I’m two kinds of untrustworthy. But honestly though, I feel like even if Russia had never done anything, people still wouldn’t trust us just for the accent. Because like, when you have a Russian accent, you kind of always sound like you’re about to lie about something. It’s just taking you a second to figure it out, like, the first time I talked to my landlord, he was like, [in Russian accent] “Oh, you should rent this apartment. Uh, you… won’t be sorry. Oh, you should meet my daughter. She is… [deep sigh] …beautiful.” [normal voice] So I should tell you guys a little bit about myself. I’ve always been creepy. That wasn’t the joke. I No, like honestly, ever since I was a kid, I was just always a really weird kid. But like, I didn’t know how weird everyone else thought I was. I think that happens with weird kids. I didn’t even realize how crazy of a thought it was until I grew up, and if I was going through something, my dad would be like, “Listen, we’re just proud of you for not being a serial killer.” Like wait, what did I do? So the first clue I ever had about how weird everyone else thought I was was in the seventh grade. My parents got this letter from the school board that said, “Congratulations, David has been selected for a very special program called Life Skills.” And I was so dumb, I thought this proved I was gifted. So I go to this weeklong program that’s in a building far away from my normal school. I open the door, and this is exactly what happened, I see there are two eager grad students and the nine most fuckedup kids in my school. I mean the kids who were caught smoking, drinking, fucking, fighting, the girls who got pregnant, the guy who got them all pregnant, and me. Even though, like unlike these other kids, I hadn’t really gotten in trouble. My grades were fine, I was, and would stay a virgin for eight more years. Yet I was in this class with the dangerous kids. And it’s only now as an adult, do I finally realize what was going on. That I was the scariest kid in my school. Because all the other kids in this class knew what they did to be put into this class. They were all there for a very specific onpaper reason. But with me, it was just a feeling! That the whole faculty agreed on to separate me now. So, that same year, I had this one teacher, Mr. Marigan. He was my favorite teacher. And here’s the thing, I was really weird, I didn’t have any friends, I loved attention, which is why this is happening. So I really needed someone to talk to. If you’re a weird kid, you find someone, your family, a teacher. For me, that was the cool science teacher I had. Mr. Marigan. Because even if I was having a bad day, I could still tell him a couple of jokes in class when I walked in that I knew he’d appreciate more than these dumb kids. So I’d be like, “Hey, Mr. Marigan, I read in this book that I can talk to dead people if I have a pint of goat’s blood, a human thumb, and a paper plate. Do you have any plates?” Yeah, exactly. Kid jokes. Ten years later, my little brother became best friends with Mr. Marigan’s son. This is really what he said to my brother. He goes, “Oh, wow, you’re David’s brother? That kid scared the shit out of me. Yeah, the ‘talk to dead people’ kid. Is he in jail?” And I said to my brother, “No way. No way. I know Mr. Marigan loved me.” I was, like, his favorite student. And I have proof, because that year my mom had made a deal with me. I could only go to camp if my worst grade for the year was a B or better. And I knew I wasn’t going to go, because I actually got a really bad grade on Marigan’s final, I was going to get more like a D+. And then last day of school, I got my report card, and I was I swear to God shocked, because I got my B. And I knew I didn’t deserve it. I figured, “He knows how hard I’m working and how much I wanted it. I’m a good student, he gave me some extra points.” Whatever it was, I just knew he hooked me up for some reason. And that meant a lot to me. That was why Mr. Marigan was my favorite teacher for years after that. Until… I got to hear the other half of that story. This is really what he said to my brother. He goes, “Look, I’m going to tell you how much that kid freaked me out. I don’t know how he did it, I don’t know how he figured out how to do it. But somehow, some way, when I was doing his grade point average at the end of the year, it equaled out to a perfect 66.6. I was so scared I gave him a B.” Yeah, turns out, Marigan did not understand me at all. But, it did get me into camp. Which, by the way, was a terrible experience I wish I hadn’t gone to. Honestly, I think the reason I was so weird, part of it, is that my mom had me really young. She was 18, I love my mom, but she wasn’t ready for how weird I would be. Here’s a perfect example. So, the next year, I was probably 13, and like I said, I was really unpopular, no friends, and I was desperate for a girlfriend. I wanted a girlfriend so bad. And I wasn’t even horny. I was fantasizing about someday getting to buy a girl a locket. Like, that’s how wholesome I was. So, I knew I could never date a girl at my own school. So I had a plan. If I could just meet girls in other school districts, it could take weeks for them to find out about me. So I got a bunch of art supplies that I had in my basement, because I was actually really into drawing at the time. I actually went to college to be a painter, that’s why I do comedy for a living. So I got these art supplies, and I really did this. I’m not even joking. I really made a bunch of handdrawn homemade posters that really did say, “Children’s Dating Service.” Oh! And, my phone number. And my mom walked in on me making these posters, and I swear to God, she said, “Oh, good idea! Want me to help you put these up?” That is poor parenting. I am convinced to this day that the only reason I wasn’t molested is that every pervert in my town thought that this was the laziest police sting they’d ever seen.

Thanks a lot, guys. I’m Dave. We’ve got… we’ve got such a great show for you. This next comic, he is one of my favorite comics in the world. You may have seen him in the movie Big Time Adolescence. Let’s give a big hand, everybody, for Joey Gay!

[cheers and applause]

What’s up, fuckers, how are you? Oh no, that’s not going to work! How are you? [Joey] That’s right! It was fine. It’s great to be here. My name is Joey Gay, GAY. I grew up in Brooklyn. That shit was not cool. Other children beat the shit out of me because my last name is Gay. Two weeks ago I found out my last name is from the Champagne region in France. I know, it got gayer! Which seems weird in this late stage in the game. And it’s supposed to be pronounced, “Ghee.” Right? But I still live in Brooklyn, I don’t have the time or the balls to correct people. Like, “Oh, no, sir, that’s pronounced ‘Ghee’.” People in Brooklyn are dickheads, they’ll be like, “Oh, I know, I got a cousin who’s ‘ghee,’ he sucks ‘cooks.'” So happy to be here tonight. I had a heart attack recently. They wheeled me into the hospital. The doctor came out and the first thing he said to me was, “Sir, we found drugs in your system.” I was like, “Ah, Doctor, I put the drugs in my system. Let’s move on to the heart attack. That’s the part I don’t know about.” He wanted to be a dick, he wanted to keep going, He’s like, “About the drugs…” I was like, “Fuck this guy, I’m going to flip it on him.” I was like, “Yeah, about the drugs, I want them back!” They had to prepare me for surgery. That was scary. While they prepared me for surgery, they shaved down here, but only half. Only the right half, the top and one of the twins, the lowhanging one. Yeah! And then, they started surgery by going in through my wrist. Yes! I was like, “Hey, what the fuck?” He was like, “Well, in case this doesn’t work, we’ll go in.” I was like, “Couldn’t you have waited? Look at this!” Do you know what it’s like to be laying naked, on the edge of death, surrounded by strangers, thinking, “God! Let me live so I can shave this other nut. Don’t send me to the afterlife looking like this, Lord.” Having a heart attack is a fuckedup thing. After that, you’ve got to change stuff. You got to change stuff. I had to start exercising, I had to give up cigarettes. Oh my God! Do I miss cigarettes. Cigarettes are the single greatest vice on the planet. If you don’t believe me, allow me to explain. People used to go home at night to smoke, and they would put on their smoking jacket. It is a vice that is so good, it had apparel. You would go into your home and put on a silk jacket like some sort of tobacco pimp. I wish other vices had apparel, too. Right? So then when you showed up at the bar on Friday night and you saw your friends, you would know exactly what type of bullshit you were in for that night. People would be like, “Hey, there’s Larry!” You would be like, “Don’t wave at Larry.” “Why not?” “Larry is wearing his crack helmet. Larry is going to be an asshole tonight! Borrowing money, chewing on his face.” I’m getting older and finding out in weird fucking ways. I found out I was getting old at my bodega. Last year, when they gave me my change, they were like, “Thank you, my dude.” Now they go, “Thank you, sir.” Hey! Fuck you! Ease off on that “sir” shit. Whenever some young motherfucker gives me that “sir” shit, I have something for them, though. When they go, “Thank you, sir.” I go, “I welcome your thanks, young squire!” See, that puts an end to that “sir” shit 99% of the time. But the asshole at my bodega on the corner likes to spend his weekends at the Renaissance festival. Yeah, so now every time I come in, he’s like, “My liege!” I like Los Angeles. It’s crazy though. I was out here on Hollywood Boulevard, it reminds me of my hometown, New York. Listen, if you are from New York or L.A., you have a superpower that other people in the country don’t. And that is you can ignore more crazy… than anybody else on the planet. You could be standing on a corner waiting for the light to change. A stranger could walk up next to you. He could be holding a severed human head, wearing no pants, no underwear, rockhard dick out to here! If you’re from a town like ours, you just go, “Not my head, not my dick, not my business.”

Thank you very much. I have enjoyed this more than you have.

[cheers and applause]

It is my pleasure to bring to the stage a man you’ve seen here on Netflix on the show Love. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Mr. Jordan Rock.

[cheers and applause]

Ah, you guys can make more noise than that. What’s good, L.A.? Make some noise!

[cheers and applause]

Nice. Nice. So, 2022, how we feeling about it?

[scattered clamoring]

Not even a clap, alright. I know, right? We’re feeling it out still. I don’t know, man. Not that it’s a bad year, we just had two bad years back to back. Right? Like 2020, 2021… 2021 started good. They let us outside. They were like, “Go, be out there!” They told us to take the masks off, we threw them in the air like it was graduation. And then they were like, “Put them back on!” And we were like, “No, that’s not how this shit works. Alright? No! You reneging right now. Nah.” The CDC was acting like your parents after they gave you too much freedom. You felt that, right? CDC was on TV like, “Bring the car back right now, alright?” You were like, “No, you said I could be out though!” “Yeah, I said you could be out, I didn’t say you could be with your friends.” That was our life, man. We made it out. What else happened in 2021? We got that new president. How do we feel about him?

[scattered applause]

Eh… I’m not political, I don’t have any political jokes. But I will say this about Joe Biden. I didn’t even know I liked my president tweeting until it stopped. Now I’m just like, “Nigga… where you at, bro?” Like… What the fuck? Yo, Trump tweeted all the time. Trump tweeted like Kanye, it was like, “Yo, take this nigga’s phone, bro!” But the con was, every time Trump tweeted, it was like, “I feel like he about to go to war. I feel like…” But now we almost there. And I’m just looking at Joe Biden like, “Nigga… start an Instagram or something, bro, please! A TikTok! You got to reach Gen Z, man!” Speaking of Gen Z, is there any Gen Z in here? Any?

[audience cheering]

Alright, round of applause if you are over the age of 25.

[cheers and applause]

Nice. My people. Round of applause if you are under the age of 25.

[cheers and applause]

I’m glad you’re all here. I’ll take it on behalf of everybody over the age of 25 to finally say to everyone under 25: fuck Gen Z! We don’t like you! I’m a millennial, yo, I thought we were bad. Yeah, we had opinions. No one gave a fuck. Everyone under 25, y’all got opinions and you want everyone to know them, and you want everybody to change for you. Yeah, everyone under the age of 25 is like, “I know I just got here in 1997, but you’re doing it wrong, alright? Listen to me, okay? I read a book and wrote a blog, alright? Listen to me. I’ve never signed a lease, but listen, okay?” I hate it, man. Millennials, we were progressive. We did progressive shit, but we didn’t lead like that, you know? It was just like, “Yo man, why you doing that? That shit’s hard.” That was it. “Yo, why you wearing that? That shit’s dope.” That’s all we needed. Ask anybody under the age of 25 why they’re doing anything. Like, “Hey man, why are you wearing that shirt?” “Clothing’s my outlet.” “Yo, shut the fuck up, please. Please? Please shut up. Please, please, please, please, please.” Talking about anybody under the age of 25 with a Twitter account. Fuck you. Alright? Yes, thank you, up top. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I’m happy about 2022 that nothing racial’s happened yet. I hate when racial shit happens in the country, like cops shoot an unarmed black man. Go back to work the next day, all your white friends are overcompensating. Yeah, you get it. You’re Asian, you’re a POC, yeah! Show up the next day, all your white friends in your face like, “Hey. Do you know… that Black lives… matter?” And I’m just looking at them confused, like, “Yeah, I thought all of that was for you. I’ve been here, I’m Black, I matter. Tell your grandpa, please. He makes the laws.” I hate it, man. All my white friends overcompensate. All my other friends act like good people. I hate it. I go on Facebook, all my friends turn into activists out of nowhere. Yeah, I read the post, by the end of it I’m like, “But nigga, I know you. You’re… you’re a piece of shit, man. You curse at your mom. What are you talking about?” I hate it. My boys get way too into it. Went on Facebook the other day, my boy was like, “I’m about to donate to charity!” I was like, “Whoa, nigga, you owe me $40, what are you talking about? Fuck this GoFundMe, bro, you don’t know her, alright? I was there for you when you needed it. Break me, nigga.” Found out I was a piece of shit in 2020. Not that I’m a piece of shit, it’s just that I have a selfish set of inner values. I have to answer to God about that when I go, okay? But I’m still with the shit, I still don’t fuck with racism, systemic racism, police brutality. The police. But at the same time, there are certain things that affect me just as much as the police. There are certain things that happened to me that I think are just as bad as the police, to me. Y’all quiet as shit right now. Y’all are like, “Where the fuck is he going with all these trigger words? Just trigger after trigger after trigger, I’m triggered.” I got y’all, I’ll make it funny, alright? Here we go. Y’all ready for…? This is something. Y’all ready for something that I think is just as bad as the police? [woman] Yeah. Alright, here we go. If you’re a woman, and you give a halfass blowjob, you are just as bad as the police to me, okay? You are oppressing me. You’re stopping me from reaching my full potential. And I know you’re causing that police brutality outside, alright? Because officers with empty nuts don’t shoot unarmed black people, okay? We cannot have these officers in the streets with full nuts and full clips. One of them has to be empty. So ladies, we need you. Every woman in this room. We need you. We need you the most, alright? Next time you suck a dick, alright? Go down there with intent, alright? Just… Just energy, commitment, alright? Grab the head right here, okay? This is where all the nerves are. Fuck the shaft, grab the balls, tickle the taint, spit, elbow grease. I’ll sum it all up. Ladies, if you can, next time you suck a dick, please… suck dick… like Black lives matter. We need you! White women, we really need you, okay? We really do. You have, uh… You have BLM on all your dating profiles. It’s time to prove it, alright? I’m Jordan Rock, and with that being said, are you ready for me to bring back the man of the hour? Make some noise for my motherfucking nigga, Pete Davidson, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Woo! Jordan Rock, everybody. Jordan Rock. Backstage, I was like, welp, I’m getting canceled. Thank you. Thank you guys all for coming out. One more time for all the comics that you see tonight.

[cheers and applause]

Anyways, this next guy who’s coming to the stage… we celebrated Christmas together in 2018. We were at my mom’s house, we were living together at my mom’s house… in her basement. And I remember we were looking at each other, and we were like, “It’s okay. Our careers are fucking over. It’s fine. We had fun. It’s all good.” Whoever would have thought we could have done anything, right? This guy now has two numberone albums in a row. He’s I think one of the biggest names you can get. Please give it up for Machine Gun Kelly, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

♪ Ayy, I wrote a letter to myself In the form of a song I could play ♪

♪ When the sun shines ♪

♪ I know better than to trust ♪

♪ Anything that I say to myself When I’m this high ♪

♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪

♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪

♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪

♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when… ♪

♪ I just did a interview With my eyes closed ♪

♪ Motherfucker ♪

♪ Motherfucker ♪

♪ I just sparked a blunt It looked like pyro ♪

♪ Only comments I see Are the bad ones ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Only playlists I like Are the sad ones ♪

♪ I let the medicine in I know it won’t help in the end ♪

♪ But I got depression again I had a meeting at seven ♪

♪ I skipped it and slept in and woke up At 7 p.m. ♪

♪ I cut my hair off ♪

♪ Like Britney ♪

♪ Sprinkled dust ♪

♪ Like a pixie ♪

♪ Wiped my nose ♪

♪ Like it’s itchy ♪

♪ I’m tatted up ♪

♪ And I don’t give a fuck ♪

♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪

♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪

♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪

♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪

♪ When I’m this high When I’m this high ♪

♪ I just looked in the mirror Who is this guy? ♪

♪ It’s a full moon, what? Where the good shrooms? ♪

♪ I’m so fucking high Sound like a good school ♪

♪ Higher than Jehovah Highway to Heaven ♪

♪ You know I’ma get pulled over I might need a chauffeur ♪

♪ Lean in my soda So I’ma need a shoulder ♪

♪ Why you got your nose up? I smell like Guns N’ Roses ♪

♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪

♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪

♪ Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! ♪

♪ I don’t ever Wanna fall when I’m this high ♪

Make some noise for my motherfucking best friend Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

♪ I don’t ever wanna fall When I’m this high ♪

Let’s go.

♪ Screaming when we fuck ♪

♪ Screaming when we fight, yeah ♪

♪ Even when I’m drunk You’re my only type, yeah ♪

♪ Please don’t break my heart I know that you might, yeah ♪

♪ Tell me tell me now Are you ’bout that life? Yeah ♪

♪ Bonnie and Clyde, ready to die Two grave sites, later tonight ♪

♪ You told me to stop waiting I can feel your back breaking ♪

♪ Late night, face down, ooh Waterworks, swam your pool ♪

♪ Backstroke, we both naked I can see that ass shaking ♪

♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪

♪ You’re gone when I wake up ♪

♪ Yeah, break up just to make up ♪

♪ Oh, you’re gone when I wake up ♪

♪ When you come back I’ll be waiting ♪

♪ There’s something you’re not saying ♪

♪ When you come back I’ll be waiting ♪

♪ There’s something you’re not saying ♪

[Machine Gun Kelly] Actually, this next one, me and Pete, we’ve been smoking weed together for a long time in his mom’s basement, and anytime we do smoke…

♪ This shit tastes like… ♪

♪ Get those hands up like this, yeah ♪

♪ L.A.’s seen this shit, yeah Yeah ♪

♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪

♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪

♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪

♪ What? ♪

♪ I’m trying to fix this damage, yeah ♪

♪ You know I keep that candy, yeah ♪

♪ I need more like Mandy, yeah ♪

♪ Stay up, take addies, yeah ♪

♪ I’m trying to face this damage, yeah ♪

♪ I’m in my head again I took more medicine ♪

♪ Ripped up the parts from my heart And my chest again ♪


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