Patton Oswalt: We All Scream (2022) | Transcript

Oswalt discusses what happens to our bodies as we get older, who he could have been had he just followed the list he created during the lockdown, the Baby Boomer's last temper tantrum and much more.
Patton Oswalt: We All Scream (2022)

[“Hard to Kill” by Bleached plays]

[audience cheering and applauding]

Hello! Denver!

[cheering and applause continues]

[Patton laughs] Oh my God! Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[cheering continues]

Thank you. Oh my God! Yes! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. Um… Hey, I broke my foot. Yeah. That’s how I started my year. I broke my foot. Uh… It was… It took two… It happened in two parts. Uh, the second part was I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong. That was the second part. The first and most important part was I turned 53. That is the crucial part.

[audience laughs]

I… You turn… Once you get past 50, everything’s fatal. I… When I was in my twenties, I would walk into propellers and put some Bactine on it. I was fine. And now if a pine cone falls near me, my spine implodes. I don’t know what… Like that. [audience laughs] Broke my foot, and then the day after… I’m gonna drop a name. All right. Uh, the day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton…

[audience cheers]

…who is almost 50, but for this bit he’s over 50. I needed to… Come on, who cares about logic? He broke his collarbone. So I called him up, gave him a little solidarity, a little support. “Hey, man. I broke my foot.” “What happened?” In my mind, I’m thinking, “Well, he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong, and his collarbone broke or something.” And he said, “Yeah, I was snowboarding. I landed a flip wrong.” All right. Fuck off. Fuck off.

[audience laughing]

You don’t need to go to that much hassle. Once you get to a certain age, you don’t need… I don’t even think that’s what happened. I think he’s lying to me. I think… I think somebody slammed a door near him, and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek. And then he told his wife, “Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me down a black diamond trail, please.” “Give me some dignity for God’s sake.” [audience laughing] I’m gonna drop another name. A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his…

[audience cheering]

…broke his femur in two. Pow! Landed a vertical wrong. In his warehouse, doing his verticals, landed it wrong. Broke his femur. DMs me a picture of his X-ray. He’s like, “Looks like we’re in the same boat, buddy.” I’m like, “No, we’re fucking not.” You… [audience laughing] You just Jackie-Channed yourself into even more coolness. [audience laughs] He found a whole other level of cool. I slipped off a curb like someone’s aunt that saw a bird. That is how I went down.

[audience laughs]

I went down in the most embarrassing way possible. [audience chuckling] And the one weird thing that happened, ’cause when I did it I was still in my 23-year-old denial head of, “I just twisted my ankle. I’ll drive home.” I was at work. “I’ll drive home. I’ll be fine.” Driving home, it’s hurting worse. “Oh, this actually might be a real thing.” I get home. I can barely get out of the car now. And I’m limping across the street to my house. And it’s really hurting, and then a car pulls up, these two women are driving, and the driver rolls her window down and says, “You okay?” I’m like, “Oh, I twisted my ankle. I live right here.” “I’m going inside, put some ice on it.” And then, and this haunts me, she said, “Well, don’t give up.”

[audience laughing]

Which… Wait. What? Holy shit! What was the look on my face? [audience laughing] What did I… Did she… “He’s gonna kill himself. Pull over. Pull over.” “Hey, don’t give up.” “Let me play this Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush song. This’ll really…” “Let’s listen to this.” Maybe that was just my face left over from the shutdown and the pandemic. Is that how my face permanently is now? Because I didn’t do the shutdown well at all. I did a bad shutdown. I planned a great shutdown. I planned an amazing… Remember when the shutdown happened? Supposed to stay home, and you had that little memory of all the times you said, “If I could just get a month off, I could get my shit together.”

[audience laughs]

“I could get my life… I just need a month off.” I planned a great shutdown. I executed the worst one ever. Oh my God, the list I made. The list we all made. We all made the same list? Yes, you did. All the great books you were gonna read. All the great books. All the skills you were gonna learn. Oh my God, we couldn’t wait to work on ourselves. If I had actually followed the list that I made, there’d be a different man standing in front of you right now. He’d be 30 pounds lighter. He’d be speaking fluent Italian.

[audience laughs]

When all of you walked in, there would have been a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart on everyone’s chair, on each chair. I would have hand-milled the flour this morning. [audience laughing] You would have eaten it off of an origami plate. [audience laughs] When you’re done eating, you throw the plate down, it pops up into a frog. Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had! [audience laughing] I didn’t do any of that shit. I ate Doritos for breakfast, and I watched Deadwood twice all the way through. Watched it. Finished it. Back to episode one. Hit play.

[audience laughing]

That’s all I fucking did. And then I went crazier than a barn full of clown pubes. That is what I did during the shutdown. And listen, when I… When I say, “Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes…” [audience laughing] …I’m not kink-shaming. I’m not judging. [audience laughs] Clowns have as much right to have a varied and experimental, adventurous sex life. I’m saying the source of the crazy isn’t the clown pubes. It’s the having the thought and then the follow-through of “I’m gonna fill this barn…”

[audience laughing]

“…with the p…” I just want that to be clear. That the source of the crazy is the barn. The barn full of pubes isn’t even the crazy. It was the act of filling the barn… Listen, if you… If you just filled a barn with pubes, you’ve checked off the crazy box. [audience laughing] But this person went, “I’m putting obstructions in my way.” “I will only collect the pub…” Also, how do you… There’s no way to know. Clown pubes don’t look different. Like, they’re not bright orange. They’re not rainbow-colored. Look. Some are, but a lot… There’s a lot of… Listen. There… There’s a lot of non-clown pubes that are bright orange and rainbow-colored. That’s not what I’m saying here. What I’m saying is there’s no way that… Okay, this is what I’m saying. Wait. Fuck. Okay. If you… Like, okay, if you’re walking around…

[audience laughing]

…and there’s a barn, and you open those two big doors, there’s a wall of pubes, and you go, “Well, there’s a maniac roaming the countryside.” If someone said, “Those are only clown pubes.” Like, “Oh! We gotta call the National Guard.” Wait a minute. What? ‘Cause there’s no way to prove that. [audience laughing] Oh, okay, wait. You could do this. Every time… Every time that you collect… Not… Not a… Not a clump. That’s gross. Not a clump of… No. [audience laughing] Clump is too gross. Thatch? No.

[audience laughs]

Thatch is too folksy. That’s… That’s the other… Like, if Cracker Barrel opened a BDSM store, they would call it the Thatch of Pubes. That’s what it would be called. You’d go down to the Th… It’d probably be connected to the Cracker Barrel. You’d go in, get a nice breakfast, then go, “Hang on. I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes.” [audience laughs] “Pay the bill. I’ll meet you at the front.”

[audience laughing]

Thatch of Pu…

♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪

[audience laughs]

[laughing] We… ♪ We’ve got nipple clamps And scented lubes ♪

[audience laughs]

We’ve got floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my! And a tower of butt plugs that kisses the sky. [audience laughs] Tell ’em Petunia the pube pig sent ya. [audience laughs] Oink. All right. Um… [audience laughs] Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That’s non-gender specific. Every time you collect a handful of clown pubes, you take a Polaroid. You have a Polaroid, so you’re kneeling down. You’re collecting the pubes. You got your baggy. Gotta do it full length. Get the whole clown in there. He or she’s gotta be in their wig, their makeup, holding that day’s newspaper… [audience laughing] …so you know. Then you take a hole-punch, punch a hole through the Polaroid, get a ribbon, put it through that hole, tie the other end of the ribbon to the… the… the handful of pubes, toss it in the barn… Every handful of pubes is accounted for. There you go. And that’s how you would pro… Fuck, no. No, you can’t. You know why? No, that doesn’t work, because then someone can go, “Technically, you didn’t fill the barn with pubes because the ribbon and the Polaroid took up…” No, it has to be complete confidence in the speaker and total trust in the listener. When you say I tho… This is what’s happening right now, okay? We’re starting this set out. Let’s go on a journey for the next hour. I started off pretty strong, I think. I think I’ve won your trust, but you know what? You shouldn’t 100%… No. Not yet though.

[audience laughing]

Because what you’ve got… Listen. What I’ve done, comedically, creatively, I have opened the barn doors. [audience laughing] And there’s a wall of pubes. [audience laughing] And yes, it’s impressive, but you’re right to go, “You know what?” “I bet that wall of pubes, I bet that’s a half an inch thick.” “And there’s a big sheet of plywood behind, and the rest of the barn is empty.” “I’ve been screwed over too many…” You’re right to think that. What I’m… This is what I’m doing. As a comedian, I’m inviting you… I’m saying I want you to run as hard as you can into this wall of pubes, and then, I want you to fight your way back, just fight your way to the back of the barn… [audience laughing] …until you’re cocooned in pubes. You know what I mean? At the back. And when your hand hits that back wall, you will think, “I met a man of honor.” That is what you will think. [audience laughing] That is what I want for us. Not me, not you, us. All of us. That’s what I want. Those are the kind of bits I wrote during the shutdown. I’d be awake for eight days in a row… [applause] Five in the morning, “The fucking Polaroid doesn’t even work!” Goddamn it! [audience cheering and applauding] I bought a trampoline.

[audience laughs]

Not a giant backyard… One of those little workout ones. Yeah. Little tiny trampoline. It’s called a rebounder. Awesome. You get up on it. You hop up and down, get the lymphatic system going, “Here you go. Ooh. Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out.” Great workout. Got it right at the beginning of the pandemic. “I’m gonna stay fit during this thing, man. I got my new rebounder.” It came out of the box, not a speck of dust on it. Oh, I was so excited. I could feel how excited the rebounder was. You could feel it. He was like, “I’m gonna make a difference in this house.” “I belong here. I’m gonna change things for the better.” I’m like, “That’s right, little rebounder. Wanna go inside the house?” “You wanna go in the gym?” He’s like, “Yeah.” We have a gym in our house. It’s a room with an elliptical in it. We call it a gym. [audience laughs] I take him inside. Oh, he’s so excited. I put him down. “I’ll see you tomorrow, little rebounder.” He goes, “Yeah.” We both looked over at the elliptical. [audience laughs] Against the wall. Clothes hanging off of it.

[audience laughs]

Covered in dust. And I could feel the rebounder’s heart break. I could feel his… You know what it felt like? It felt like the rookie cop fresh out of the academy. He’s like, “Give me the worst precinct in town. I’ll turn it around!” “I’ve got progressive policing techniques, community outreach.” “I’ll make a difference.” And he shows up that first day, big thermos of green tea, little keto lunch, he’s all excited. Looks over in the corner, “Who’s at his desk?” The old homicide cop. [audience laughs] Eight bullet holes in him. Eleven colostomy bags. [audience laughing] He’s having his seventh Viceroy of the morning. [audience laughing] [Patton exhales] That’s the elliptical. [audience laughing] Looks at the little rookie rebounder, “You’re gonna learn, kid.”

[audience laughing]

“You think I didn’t have dreams when I came here, huh?” “I was top of the line!” “You can stream movies on me, TV shows, mountain programs, everything!” “Oh! I was gonna turn this house of fatties around.” [audience laughing] “That guy that just dropped you off, he was on me day one.” “Cute little workout outfit.” “Little iPhone. He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it.” “Ooh, a thinker!” [audience laughing] “He gets up on me, stretch those little fat thighs, pumping them up and down.” [grunting] “Thought he was gonna go the distance.” “He didn’t make it past the first Blue Apron ad.” [inhales, exhales] [audience laughing] “Hopped off of me.” “Went and checked his texts in the crapper.” [audience laughs] “He never came back.”

[audience laughs]

“Oh, he’ll be here tomorrow.” “Oh, he’ll be in his little workout outfit.” “He’ll probably put a little playlist on his iPhone.” “Yeah.” “He’s a Gen X-er in his fifties.” “I bet it’ll be all early ’80s New Wave pop.” [audience laughs] “That’s how he’s gonna get thin. Nostalgia.” [audience laughs] “He’ll hop up on you, start jumping up and down like a gibbon full of Skittles.” [audience laughs] “What’ll be the first song he listens to? I can call it right now.” “It’ll be the Go-Go’s ‘Our Lips Are Sealed.'” “That’ll be the first song.” “And you’ll be all excited. ‘Oh, he’s gonna go the full hour'”! “He won’t make it past the bridge.” [audience laughs] “The minute Jane Wiedlin starts singing, “Hush my darling,” he’ll hop off of you, he’ll check his texts in the crapper.” “He’ll never come back.”

[audience laughs]

“Extinguish all joy within you, and nothing’ll ever hurt you again.” [audience laughs] I just pitched the saddest Pixar movie in the… If they do a movie with the Safdie brothers, that’s gotta be their movie. Harvey Keitel is the elliptical. [audience laughing] Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder. [audience laughing] And Frances McDormand is the half-inflated exercise ball. [audience laughs] Went fucking crazy during the shutdown. My rock-bottom, psychologically, during the shutdown happened on the same day as my wife and daughter’s. We all hit crazy rock-bottom at the same time. Um, it was a weekday. We’re all in the house, staying inside. Doing our part. Stop the spread. My daughter’s in the kitchen, and out of nowhere, she says, “Hey, there’s a weird guy in our backyard.”

[audience laughing]

What the fuck? I go running out, “What?” Looking out, “I don’t see anybody. You saw someone?” She goes, “Some weird guy just walked across our backyard and went around the back. He’s back there right now.” I’m like, “Oh shit!” We have cameras all over the property. I have an app on my phone. You click it and can look at what the camera sees. I’m waiting for it. I’m gonna go back and confront him. I just wanna know what I’m about to deal with. I don’t know what’s back there. What if it’s a lost hippie wanting someone to hacky-sack with him? “I’ll hacky-sack with you.” [audience laughing] Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket of chicken on his dick, holding a sword. I don’t know what’s back… I just wanna be ready. [audience laughing] But the cameras aren’t loading, and I’m waiting for it. Goddamn it. And then my wife pushes past us, doesn’t say anything and goes striding across the back lawn. She’s got a white summer dress on flowing in the wind, barefoot. And she’s holding a pink, aluminum baseball bat. [audience laughing] And she has serious Manson girl energy coming off of her, like…

[audience laughs]

“Look at that hot, hippie chick that I wanna fuck and get murdered by.” “Yay.” [laughing] So, she… It takes me a second to realize what she’s doing, then I go clomping after her, in my flip-flops and cargo pants, but she’s already around the corner and she’s already laying into this guy. Before I can turn the corner, I hear her screaming at him, “Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of my yard!” “I will fuck you up.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] So… I… I turned the corner. She’s in a stance. [audience laughs] Like Uma in Kill Bill, she’s ready to go. [audience laughs] The guy she’s yelling at, little scruffy looking, didn’t look crazy, didn’t look homeless, holding a cell phone, just looked a little off, and she’s screaming and yelling at him, “What the fuck are you doing here?” Now I’m gonna stop the story and tell you what was actually happening. There was something wrong with our air conditioner. I…

[audience laughing]

I called our contractor and said, “Can you send someone to the house to fix the AC?” Without telling us, he gave this guy our address and gate code and sent him to the house. So yes, massive misunderstanding. My wife is now screaming at him, and she’s just fucking… Just blazing Valkyrie, shrieking at the top of her lungs at this guy, “Who the fuck are you?” Now, to his discredit… [audience laughing] …when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie holding a vagina-colored piece of metal… [audience laughing] …threatening to kill you, answer in short, declarative sentences. [audience laughing] [applause] This guy… This guy was going, “Who’s anybody really, man? Like…” “Every day was… Oh, the wheel in the sky…” Oh, goddamn it. Now she’s got both hands on the bat. She’s gonna swing on the guy. And then he looks at me. And when he looks at me, that’s when he gets scared.

[audience laughs]

He started saying, “My name is Michael. Your guy Steve sent me here to figure…” And my wife’s like, “Oh my God, he didn’t tell us. I’m so sorry.” “Oh my God, I’m gonna call him right now.” “I’m… This was… This really got off on the wrong foot.” “How about you leave…” The guy was more than happy to leave. [audience laughs] I’m sure he was driving home going, “That poor bastard. Oh my God.” “I’m sure the sex is amazing but…” Um… [audience laughing] A lot of you hear the story and go, “That’s not very manly of you.” “You let your wife… God knows what could’ve happened!” I argue the opposite. [audience laughs] I say that our timing and placement made us a more effective home invasion deterrent. [audience laughs] ‘Cause remember he never got scared when she was screaming at him? He just kept going, “I…” You know why? He couldn’t process what he was seeing.

[audience laughs]

Gorgeous Valkyrie, vagina-colored metal, screaming. Too much. Too fucking much. Couldn’t process it. And also, again, the energy she’s giving off is outer-space sex vixen about to murder you. [audience laughing] Can’t process it. You know what he could process? Me. Standing five feet behind her, ’cause the energy I was giving off was, “I can’t do nothing when she gets like this.” “I… I tried to get her to go to the nervous hospital, see?” “She said she’d burn the house down.” “She’s killed so many Amazon delivery drivers.” “I can’t dig no more holes in the desert. Please just run!” [audience laughing] I’m doing some poses that we can freeze for the Netflix save screen. A little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] [Patton chuckles]

[audience laughing]

There’s gotta be… What if I did… What if I use… Here’s what I’m gonna do. Watch. Like this. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, look. That’s… That’s not a bit in the special, but if you’re watching Netflix, and that “coming up next,” you’re like, “Let’s watch a minute of that.” Like, “What the fuck is this?” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] I’m vaxxed and boosted. Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn’t… [cheering and applause] Thank you. But… That… Look. Thank you. It’s also sad that gets applause at this point, isn’t it? You get applause for taking the most basic care of your health? That’s like me going, “Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank…” No. No, no. [cheering and applause] People. No. I’m no… I’m no hero now. It’s the lumberjacks who cut down the trees that make the toilet… Those are the heroes. [audience laughing] [man] Yeah! [chuckles] I assume there’s a lumberjack here. All right, um…

[audience laughs]

[Patton chuckles] Or a really enthusiastic wiper. Um… [audience laughing] I got my vax right when the vax came out. Immediately. I didn’t jump the line. I didn’t use my privilege, but… I acted on some inside information, and I feel bad about this. This is how I did it. Uh… Right when the vaccine came out, I have a friend, lives out in Riverside. And he calls me and says, “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but, uh, out where I’m living, it’s MAGA country.” “No one is getting the vaccine.” “There’s a Rite Aid near me, a woman sitting at a table.” “Everyone that walks in she asks if they want it. No one will get it.” “They’re throwing crates of this shit out the back.” “If you drive out here, you will get a shot.” “Don’t even make an appointment.” So I drove out there. I walk in. There’s a woman at a table. I go, “Hi, excuse me. I’d like to get a vaccine.” She was like, “You would?” Like, she had no… [audience laughing] She had run out of Tolkien novels to read. Like, “Yeah. Let me get you set up.” Like, “Go stand over there.” While I’m waiting, my friend was right, everyone that walked in, “Would you like a vaccine?” “No, thank you.” And one guy gave her a, uh… “[scoffs] Yeah, no thanks.”

[audience laughs]

Like, “Yeah, nice try, Deep State. I think I’m gonna, uh…” “I think I’m gonna stay tracker-free for the time being if that’s all right.” “Hang on. Yeah. I’m at the Rite Aid again. Yeah.” “They tried to get a fucking track… Hang on. I’m losing you.” “There you are. Yeah, no. I’m off the grid, man. That’s…” “Right. I’ll call you later.” Got my shot. Got my second shot, then boosted twice. I’m fucking fine. In 1955, the polio vaccine came out. 1955. We were two years away from satellites. There were no satellites! And America could not have been more backward, racist, homophobic, sexist, and these non-satellite-having, racist dipshits lined the fuck up to get their fucking vaccine! [cheering and applause] What the fuck! [cheering and applause continues] “Give me that shot. I can’t police these water fountains from a wheelchair.” [audience laughing] “I can’t beat up queers inside an iron lung! Give me my science!” “What am I, a caveman?” [audience laughing] Now it’s the year 2022, which, first off, doesn’t sound like a real year, does it? [audience laughs] Doesn’t that sound made up? Like you’re watching a cheap science-fiction film, “In the year 2022…” “Oh, you’re just throwing numbers together. Jesus!” “Who wrote this shit?”

[audience laughs]

It’s 2022. We have robots on Mars. They send us TikTok videos. [audience laughing] Half of the country’s like, “That needle’s got witch poison in it, I tells ya.” “You ain’t putting no witch poison in me.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] “Keep your wizard jab away from me.” “I got to watch the video that the Mars robot sent to the world brain I keep it in my pocket.” [audience laughing] “But keep all that science away from me.” If that attitude had existed in 1955, the government would have had to do one of those PSAs, like a little cartoon dancing, hypodermic needle coming out, you know. [audience laughing] “Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?” Like little… [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yes. That’s right, jabby. Tell everyone about your benefits. [audience laughs] “My benefits? Your fucking legs work. How’s that for a benefit?”

[audience laughs]

“You medieval shitheads.” [audience laughing] It’s a different world now, man. It’s a different world. Isn’t it? Cruise ships? Oh, you’ll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye. Our grandkids won’t know what a buffet is. Oh. [audience laughs] Fuck, Covid changed everything. First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026. People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge and sail the bounding main. “Oh, let me die near a water slide!” [audience laughing] Not only are buffets gonna come back, they’re gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them’s gonna have an agenda. “Come on down to Captain Covid’s Alpha Males Only buffet!” [audience laughing] “You the kind of left-wing soy boy that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder, or are you able to fuck your wife?” “Then come on down to Captain Covid’s…” [audience laughing] “You show us proof you ain’t been vaccinated, you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops.” [audience laughing] “That’s right.” [chuckles] Oh… I was listening to ’70s on 7 on the way here. Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial. You like ’70s music? You hit number seven. All the ’70s music you can have, ’70s on 7. You like ’80s music? You hit number eight.

[audience laughs]

’80s on 8. Do you like ’90s music? Guess what you hit. Number nine! [audience laughing] Do you like ’40s music? Well, you don’t hit number four. You used to, ’40s on 4. Now, channel 71. ’40s Junction. You like ’50s music? Well, it’s channel 72. ’50s Gold. You like ’60s music? Seventy-three, ’60s Gold. Why did those three channels get moved to the outer rim of the XM Sirius universe? I will tell you why. Their listeners are dying. [audience laughing] ’40s, ’50s, ’60s. Those listeners are dropping like… The fucking ’40s channel has five listeners left. [audience laughing] Three World War II veterans and a couple of contrarian hipsters. That’s it. That’s all that’s left. “You know who’s punk rock? Artie Shaw.” Fuck off.

[audience laughing]

And we can laugh and enjoy it, but hey, during our lifetimes, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s will go marching up the dial. That’s how you can track how the generations are dying, by where they’re putting the stations. [audience laughing] Keep the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s easy. I hope when they do that, that they take a little time and give some consideration to the names the way they did for the ’40s channel, ’40s Junction, train station, evocative. I get it. Picture in my head. And then they just gave up. ’50s Gold, ’60s… Ah, who care… What? You couldn’t do “Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes”? You couldn’t do “Patchouli Oil and Love Beads,” or whatever? [audience laughing] Give the ’70s channel a name emblematic of the decade. You know, “Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio.” How about that? That’s good. Sure. [audience laughing] Yeah. “Giant Candles Everywhere For Some Reason Tunes.” [audience laughing] The ’80s could be “Trapper Keeper Tunes.” [audience cheering and applauding] And then the ’90s channel could just be… [groans] [audience laughing] [groaning] I don’t know… That was Abra Moore’s “Four-Leaf Clover” on… [groans]

[audience laughing]

[groans] [audience laughing] Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma’am? I live in Colorado Springs. [Patton] You live in Colorado Springs? Nice. Thank you for making the drive. [woman] No problem. Okay. What do you… [laughing] Okay, glad I got that straight. It wasn’t a problem. Thank God. Okay. Guys, it wasn’t a problem. It’s cool. [audience laughing] [Patton chuckles] Do you work in Colorado Springs? What do you do? I’m a doctor. [Patton] You’re a doctor. Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um… What kind of medicine do you practice? I’m a pediatric neurologist. Pediatric neurologist. Oh my God! [audience cheering] You’re like… [cheering and applause] You are serving your community. You are helping children. You have a positive job that you have a positive attitude towards. This is comedy death. I need to get off of you right now. There’s nothing here. [audience laughing] I need to talk to a meth cook or a divorcee. This is… [audience laughs] “I help children live.” [sliding beep] All right. Shit. [audience laughing] Is this, uh… Are you with her? You guys together? Is this the hubby? The husband. The husband. What do you do, sir? I’m a lawyer. [Patton] You’re a lawyer? Ah… [audience laughing] [kisses] Finally.

[audience laughing]

Some evil. [audience laughing and applauding] Oh God, if it’s some kind of positive community outreach law, I’m gonna fucking… What kind of law do you practice, sir? I prosecute juvenile sex crimes. You prosecute juvenile sex offenders. Well…

[audience laughing]

When you say juvenile sex offenders, do you mean people who commit sex offenses against juveniles, or juveniles who are sex offenders? Juveniles who are sex offenders. Juveniles who are sex offenders. Gotta be very careful with the phrasing. And when you say… And then what happens? Like, they get… Why am I…? What is this, a…? I gotta… Me sitting down was good for that one laugh. I’m not gonna do the rest of my show like, “So what do you do?” [audience laughing] What the hell am I doing?

[applause]

You are prosecuting the juvenile sex offenders. Okay. And you are a neurological pediatrician. So a kid whose brain maybe isn’t working correctly, you help fix it. And the ones you can’t fix, he puts away, right? Is that how… [audience laughing] There we go. [audience laughing] There’s your next Marvel team-up. All right. So… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

That was cute and dark at the same time. Rare to find that. It’s like a goth girl holding a kitten. All right. [audience laughing] How about you? Do you live here in Denver?

[man] I do.

You do? What do you do in Denver? Uh, I work in a bar and I’m a student. You work in a bar and you’re a student. Oh, it’s a 1980s Tom Hanks movie. All right. So…

[audience laughing]

What are you studying right now? Uh, cybersecurity. Cybersecurity. And then, by day, he patrols the Internet. At night, it’s Slippery Nipples for secretaries, right? [audience laughing] What, uh… So you’re a bartender, and so do you want to eventually work in cybersecurity? Obviously. [man] Yeah. And the bartending’s paying the bills. Paying for you to learn. What is the… What’s the scariest thing you’ve learned so far in terms of cybersecurity? How close are we to some huge hack attack where suddenly the ATMs don’t work and all of our porn searches are on the internet? When does that happen? [audience laughs] Um… Pretty much nothing is private. [Patton] Pretty much nothing is private. Well, we all know that at this point. That’s not… Oh my God, have you ever… Okay, when you were growing up, was there, like, some asshole that bullied you or was really shitty, and now that you’re learning your cybersecurity skills, you could go digging into this person’s life and just dis-fucking-mantle it if you wanted to?

[audience laughing]

Has that temptation ever crossed your head? Pretty frequently. Have you… Oh! Have you done searches of old bullies’ names and stuff like that? I’ve… I’ve chosen not to. You’ve chosen not to. [audience laughs] That is a very lawyerly response. That was… Did you catch that? [audience laughing] Oh, man. Is this the wife or girlfriend? Uh, yes. [Patton] Which one? [laughter] Girlfriend. [Patton] Girlfriend! Oh! And what do you do? I’m an educator. [Patton] You’re an educator. And what do you… Thank you. [cheering and applause] Wow. What, uh… What do you… What areas do you educate in? I help high schoolers, um, access free college credit. Help high schoolers access free college credit. Does the… That’s cool. Does the, um… Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice when they’re like, “She’s cool”? “She’s all right.” Yep. That must help. [woman] It does, yeah. Do you go in with the sleeve tattoo visible? Or do they make you wear a long sleeve? I bust it all out. [Patton] You bust it all out, sit there… “Let’s get you some fucking credit while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies right there, man. There you go.” You got some ink too. How long you been going out? Three years. Four. Three or four years. Three or four years. [audience laughing] Mmm. Some cybersecurity, if you know what I’m saying. Ah, come on, people. Um…

[audience laughing]

Are you… Do you live together? Oh, nice! Are you gonna… She looks awesome in… And then he can get you, like, free credit card shit and everything. I mean, come on. [audience laughs] It’s a match made in heaven. Make it happen. Couldn’t he use his cybersecurity to get kids free college credit? Change their grades, get them into Harvard. There’s another fucking team-up. All right. [audience cheering and applauding] I have two superhero teams in the front row. Oh, hello sir. [audience laughing] Shorts in the front row. Ballsy. [audience laughing] That’s it. You have way more self-confidence than I will ever have. Do you live here in Denver? I do. [Patton] And what do you do in Denver? I work in Boulder, actually. You work in Boulder. Live in Denver, work in Boulder. What do you do in Boulder? I work for a grocery store. You work for a grocery store. With that facial hair? They’re cool with that or…? [laughter] What… I’m not gonna ask what grocery store. That’s weird. [man] I bet you can figure it out. Probably could. Hang on. What is your specific job at the grocery store? I’m a manager. You’re a manager at the grocery store. Do you manage the whole store or one department? Um… Yeah. [audience laughing] Yeah, part of it. Yeah. Part of it. The liquor section? What part do you, um…?

[audience laughing]

You seem amazed at hearing that you’re working at a grocery store coming out of you. “I work at a grocery store! I…” [audience laughing] [Patton chuckling] And, uh, who are you here with? Is this your friend? There’s your friend. And where do you work? Uh, I work from home. You work from home. [man] In sales. In sales. I sell light bulbs. [Patton] You sell light bulbs. Are you asking me? You seem to be like, “I sell light…” You’re answering my questions like I’m a homicide cop. You’re like, “I-I sell light bulbs?” Like, it’s not… [audience laughing] You sell light bulbs from your home. I’m a lighting salesman. You’re a lighting salesman, so you stay in your house. You call people up or get on the internet with them? On the internet. On the internet. And you try to sell them light bulbs. Absolutely. Individuals or corporations? Both. [Patton] Both. That’s so fucking weird. [audience laughs] I just… I don’t know how… So you get on Zoom calls with them, and go, “Really quick, turn on all your lights.”

[audience laughing]

“It’s pretty shitty, huh?” “Well, I’ve got a solution for you.” [laughing] [audience laughing] You’re not far. That’s so fucking interesting. Okay. You two are delightful, and you are not a superhero team. I’m sorry. [audience laughs] That is… I don’t know what the hell you are. There’s a guy who works at a Trader… Doesn’t quite know what he does there. Another guy gets on Zoom calls and sells light bulbs. I think you have a weird OnlyFans. You’re just covering for it now. You don’t really sell light bulbs. [man] It’s the DC Universe. Oh, DC Universe. Very… Oh… I’ll do the nerd shit, my friend. All right. [audience laughing] Don’t you dare! [audience laughing] That was a fun front row. Give them a round of applause. Thank you, guys. Wow. [cheering and applause] I love the flow of that. You know, doctor, lawyer, cybersecurity, educator, sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess. I don’t know. [groans] [audience laughing] Perfectly paced. [kisses] [audience laughing] [sighs] You know what doesn’t age well? Woke. [audience laughs] It really doesn’t. I’m woke, I think. But you know what? I won’t be someday, and so will all of you.

[audience laughs]

Be woke. Be open-minded. Just don’t pat yourself on the back, ’cause it’ll bite you in the ass. Everyone getting cancelled now for not being woke was woke about something, they just couldn’t keep up with progress. Progress will always fucking steamroller you. I’m very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage, gay rights, and pro-abor… No, no, no. No. No. [cheering and applause] That’s not… What I’m saying is that is going to blow up in my face someday. I’ll be doing comedy when I’m 70, and I will let slip something that I won’t be able to keep up with. I’ll be like, “I don’t think people should fuck their clones.” “Boo!” There’ll be some weird, like… [audience laughing] “No wait, I’m pro-trans.” “Fuck you, clone hater!” [audience laughing] “No, I’m totally progressive!” #Stopclonehate, then I gotta… Then I’ll double down. “When I grew up, you didn’t jerk off in a test tube and fuck whatever came out of it! If that makes me the bad guy, I’m sorry!”

[audience laughing]

“Boo!” [Patton chuckles] By the way, that’s how you know if you’re a… uh, if you’re an oppressed minority, or, you know, a fringe group that used to be shit on, and now you know that you’ve made it when straight, white people start asking you if jokes are okay. That’s when you know… The trans community really broke through because all of a sudden, straight, white people’ll be like, “Is this okay?” “Does this joke work? Is that okay?” You know. But either way, that means in the future, straight, white people are gonna be the minority, then they’re gonna have assholes like, “Hey, I’m doing a joke about a straight, white dude, and, um, I have him bowling. Is that okay? You guys bowl, right? Like that’s…” [audience laughing] “It’s not offensive?” “He’s listening to Limp Bizkit, ‘ironically, ‘ okay?”

[audience laughing]

“It’s ironic. I’m doing it ironically.” [Patton chuckles] Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit. I was in such a panic in 2016, then all the subsequent years, “What the hell’s going on? Oh my God. Is America coming to an end?” No. You know what? It isn’t. It’s bad right now, but everything that’s happening is supposed to be happening right now. Do you know what 2016 was? It was the boomers’ last temper tantrum.

[audience cheering]

That’s what that was. [cheering and applause] The boomers’ last temper tantrum. Every time a generation gets old, they panic because death is scary and gross, and they put someone shitty in the White House before they go. This has happened before. The greatest generation… The greatest generation, oh my God, fought the Nazis, saved the world from tyranny, came back, built the suburbs, raised the baby boomers, then they started getting old. Hair turned gray, dick didn’t work anymore, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies. They panicked. Now it’s the late ’70s. Punk music, they don’t know what’s going on. “Fuck this.” “Put the old cowboy movie actor in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here, goddamn it!” [applause] Then the baby boomers grew up. Think of the baby boomers. They were on the cutting edge of sex, rock and roll, rebellion… They owned youth, and then they got fucking old. [audience laughing] And their hair got gray, and their dick stopped working, hemorrhoids and hysterectomies, fucking Gen X and Gen Z making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok. All this hip-hop music they don’t understand. Now they’re, “Oh my God, I’m about to die. What the fuck is going on?” “Put the racist game show host in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!” “I was here!” [laughter and applause] I’m Gen X. Well, our temper tantrum is going to be beyond ugly. [audience laughing] When we start getting old, our dicks stop working, our hair goes gray, God knows who we’re gonna put in the White House. It’s gonna be either Eddie Vedder or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two. I don’t know. [cheering and applause] Look. I love those guys. Janeane would be a horrible president. [audience laughs] I’ve known her since the ’90s. I love her. She would tell you that herself. Janeane, you should be president. “I’m not doing that shit.” Oh my God, wait a minute. That’s how she’ll win. [audience laughs] Think of how Gen X thinks. Like, “That’s exactly the attitude we need.” [audience laughs] That’s perfect. “No, I’m serious. I’m not doing it.” Yeah, we know, yes. [audience laughing] She’ll blow off a debate. She won’t campaign. She won’t show up to her own inauguration. Yes, that’ll be awesome. We’ll love her even more. CNN will have a ticker on the bottom of the screen, like, “Day 312 of the president not showing up.” [audience laughing] It’ll cut to her in some coffee shop. “I told you I wasn’t gonna run.” [audience laughing] And then we’ll die, and we won’t be here to see what Gen Z puts in the White House. President Logan Paul. I don’t… Look. I don’t know. [audience groaning] President Joe Rogan. [audience groaning] He would… People, listen to me. I’ve also… I’ve known Joe since the ’90s. He is a sweet guy. He has gone off the rails. You know why? ‘Cause someone gave him a hundred million dollars. [audience laughs] That would drive anybody… He’s actually handling it better than I would. [audience laughs] If I had a fucking podcast about knitting and someone gave me a hundred million, I would fuck yarn on my podcast! [audience laughing] And Joe would be like, “Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God.” [Patton chuckles] Aging isn’t bad if you don’t take it personally. That’s the key, you know. Treat it like it’s a… Pretend you’re Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, and you’re watching all this weird shit happen. You’re like, “Oh my!” Get a leather-bound notebook. Take notes, you know, late at night, like… “Oh. My farts smell like old books.” “That’s… Hmm.” [audience laughing] “But I’m not eating old books. This…” “This calls for further examination.” [audience laughing] “Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee.”

[audience laughing]

It’s coming for all of us. I’m gonna leave you with this story about my, uh… Another breakdown that I had. Foot, all of it, it’s all coming apart. But you know what? We’re living in the 21st century and it’s okay. Always keep that in mind. Last year, last November, I had to have some minor surgery, right? And I’m gonna tell you the story. I’m gonna use a little AP English zhoosh to keep it from being horrifying, ’cause it is. I had to have some minor surgery, the kind of surgery that, um, I’ll put it this way, men my age who sit down a lot have to have. See where I’m going? So… And I’m worried. Still Covid. “Oh my God, what if I get an infection?” But I forgot I live in the 21st century. I have all these advantages in the plus column. On the day of the operation, I summoned a car with my phone. The car came. The guy was masked. I was masked. Car was clean, took me to the hospital. Doctor met me, showed me all the cleanliness protocols they had. He said, “This surgery, we’ve refined it.” “It only takes an hour. You’ll be out for an hour.” “You’ll go home today.” He put me under. I wake up an hour later. Oh my God, I’m fine. He goes, “You are fine.” “Here are some cutting-edge painkillers to help you with your recovery.” “You won’t feel a thing.” “Now take out your phone and summon another car.” “You live in the 21st century.” And I did, and the car took me home. And when I got home, I had a device onto which I could call, from the air, movies, books, television shows, music to entertain me while I recovered. Twenty-first century. When I left the hospital, the doctor said, “There’s a certain bodily function, that you’re used to doing every day.” “And for the next few days, you’re not gonna do it.” [audience laughs] “And then, after three or four days, all of a sudden, you will do it.” [audience laughing] “But the first time you do it, it will be doing you.”

[audience laughing]

“There’s no shame in it.” “It’s gonna happen, part of the recovery.” “Go heal in peace.” I go home. First day, I watch movies. I read books on my iPad. I go to sleep. Nothing happens. Next day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. Nothing happens. Third day, watch movies, read books on my iPad, go to sleep. 3:30 in the morning. [audience laughing] It happens. But I wake up as it’s happening and I can feel it coming. I’m half a second ahead of it. Oh my goodness, it’s not gonna be a disaster. I hop out of bed. Everything’s okay. I make it across the bedroom floor. I get into the bathroom. I’m ten feet away from the toilet. I’m gonna make it. [sings suspenseful melody] Boom! No.

[audience laughing]

I had managed to get my underwear and sweatpants off. [audience laughing] Which made things ten times worse. [audience laughing] Because now, our pristine white-tile bathroom… [audience laughing] …was decorated for autumn. How about that, huh? Yeah. [audience laughing] Happy Thanksgiving. So… [audience laughing] I’m standing there going, “Oh my God, I’ve got two choices. I can either clean myself off, or risk my wife coming in and seeing this disaster, which she doesn’t deserve.” So, I do the second choice. I clean up everything first. I get a bunch of towels. I get everything all cleaned up in a big, gross wad. I gotta take off all my clothes, including my shirt. I’d ruined my shirt. [audience laughing] Physics. So…

[audience laughing]

Take the whole wad down to the… And I’m nude now. Go down to the kitchen with this big wad of horror, take the bag out of the can, put this in the bag. Now, four in the morning, I gotta walk to the end of my driveway where the trash cans are. Get the thing open. Drop it. And I just stand there. [audience laughing] Nude. [audience laughing] 4:00 in the morning. And I just looked at the moon. [audience laughing] Like, hours ago, I was in the 21st century… [audience laughing] …with access to cutting-edge technology, medicine, transportation. And now, just a mere couple of hours later, I had been revealed as the naked ape I always was.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

[cheering and applause]

The naked, shit-covered ape that’s inside all of us. And I actually had a weird moment of peace, ’cause it was so awful, and I’m just like, “You know what? I’m actually as far away from the 21st century as I could possibly be right now.” “I’m actually closer to my Neanderthal forebears.” “There’s something weirdly cleansing about this.” And I had that feeling for, like, ten seconds. That’s when I remembered all my neighbors have ring cameras on their doors.

[audience laughing]

So everybody got their Christmas card that year.

Thank you so much, Denver!

[cheering and applause]

Thank you! Thank you, guys. Thank you! Thank all of you.

[“Hard to Kill” by Bleached playing]

[kisses] Thank you!

[cheering and applause continues]

♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪
♪ I don’t care ’cause Friday I’m in love ♪
♪ We had a plan, don’t make it weird ♪
♪ What I like, baby, it ain’t clear ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I’m looking for a place to breathe ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ Drain me of my everything ♪
♪ Don’t go ♪
♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪
♪ Don’t go ♪
♪ Don’t go ♪
♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪
♪ Turns out I’m very hard to kill ♪
♪ After all the damage we’ve done ♪
♪ Turns out I’m very hard to kill ♪

[whistling]

♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪
♪ You grabbed a box of Slims And said, “I want more” ♪
♪ You’re so cool, you hate yourself ♪
♪ Lying on the floor In a stranger’s house ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I’m looking for a place to… ♪

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