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Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.
Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style. This candid approach highlights why she is regarded as one of today’s funniest and most fearless comedians.

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(muffled crowd cheering) (echoing footsteps)

(full volume cheering)

Hello! (applause) What am I? Taylor Swift? (cheering dies down) You make a girl feel good. Thank you so much. I really… I feel great tonight. I gotta tell you, it feels good to feel great because I’ve been feeling pretty bad recently. I’ve been battling a depressive episode, but I’m out of it. It was– It was bad. It was a postpartum thing. My friend just had a baby, and so I’ve just been mourning the loss of that friendship. (sighs) She gone. (laughter) Anyone else losing friends to babies?

(cheering, applause)

Yeah? Yeah. It sucks. Is anyone else secretly hoping those friends lose their babies? Because that’s where I’m at.

(laughter)

That’s where I’m at! I feel bad about it. I don’t say this to them. I just think it as I blow out my birthday candles, but you can’t help what you wish. (laughter) It’s not funny. My friend just got pregnant from in vitro. She was telling me about it. She was like, “I spent $30,000 doing in vitro.” I was like, “I’ll pay you 40 to get an aborsho. “Like, if you wanna make money on this deal, “I’ll Venmo you right now. “I got money because I don’t got kids, so… “I don’t know what I’ll write in the memo. “Just like a vacuum emoji. “I feel like it’ll be… People won’t know. They’ll think I like bought a vintage Hoover from you.” (laughter) No, I’m thrilled for my friend. I really am. She has me in charge of the baby shower, which is gonna be fun. I don’t know what we’re gonna do yet. I think maybe bull riding? I don’t know. Like, I’m just… A trampoline park? Like, what activities should we do? I was thinking maybe like a stomach-punching contest at a staircase museum.

I don’t know.

(laughter) Just spitballing. Fun. It’d be fun. It’s crazy when your friends start trying to get pregnant because then you realize how hard it is to get pregnant at your age. I had no idea. Because I don’t want kids. I’ve been using birth control, like an idiot. The best, most effective birth control, turns out, it’s being 39 and getting cummed in because…

(cheering) these girls can’t get pregnant! (laughter) It’s almost like the more you want a child, the more God’s just like, “No, I don’t think so. “That’s, like, really desperate and sad. “You’re like… like a pick-me mom. Like, you’re trying too hard.” (laughter) He’s, like, negging them. It’s so rude. He’s like, “You waited till you were 37? Really? “Why do you think I gave you your period when you were 14? I mean, what…? “That wasn’t so you’d be embarrassed in gym class. That was so you wouldn’t graduate high school.” You know, like… (laughter) It’s crazy! It’s changed my whole birth control method, really. Now, because I don’t want kids, my boyfriend cums in me, and then we pray together for a child afterwards. We hold hands, and we say, “Please, God. We’re ready. We really want one.”

(whooping) We try not to laugh when we say it. We’re building a nursery, just trying to throw God off, because… he’s an asshole. You know? We name each of his loads. It’s fun. We’re running out of… We get lazy sometimes. There’s a lot of Randys, but… (laughter) My heart goes out to you if you have fertility issues, truly, because it must be so frustrating to know you’d be so good at something, yet God will not give you a baby. You’ve waited long enough to be good at it. God’s like, “No, sorry.” And then you hear about a teen who gets raped by her uncle, and God’s like, “Here’s twins,” and you’re like, “What the fuck? Are you serious? I’m over here trying.” (cheering and applause) So, my boyfriend and I have stopped doing that role-play because that was risky. We were playing with fire!

I had no idea!

(applause)

(laughs) I miss that one. That was a fun role-play. I was good at it. I’m a very convincing naughty niece. I would just…

(laughter)

It was, it was good. I would just be like, “Uncle David, “what are you doing here? This is an all-girls sleepover. (laughter) “What do you mean you lost something in the dryer? “And you want me to crawl in and get it out? (laughter) Are you sure this is how you get to Narnia?” Just stuff like that. I watch too much porn, whatever. (laughter) But everyone’s telling me, “Nikki, at your age, just freeze your eggs. Just freeze ’em. Freeze your eggs.” I’m like, “Can I burn them? Is that an option? Because I hate this conversation.”

(cheering)

“Just do it.” I know if I don’t do it now, it’ll be too late, but I could always go the adoption route and give ’em up for adoption, you know, like that. I’ve never wanted kids. I don’t think it’s gonna happen in like the last month of my fertility. I just don’t want ’em. Even when I was a kid, I would get baby dolls for Christmas and just be like, “Oh, God, this is gonna be a lot of work. This is just– This is gonna cut into nap time.” (laughter) I tried to abandon it in front of my brother’s toy firehouse. Just anything. “Get this away from me.” (laughter) And I don’t like how adults talk to you when you have baby dolls. They’re like, “Is that your baby? Are you its mommy? Is that your baby?” I’m like, “No, a man didn’t fuck me, Aunt Gail.

“This is… (laughter) I don’t like your tone.” No wonder women rush to have kids. We’re being trained for it since we were kids. They’re like, “Here’s a baby doll. Here’s an Easy-Bake Oven.” I got one of those. I stuck my head in it. I was like, “I want out of this narrative. This is my life?” I just don’t get wanting kids. I don’t get it. And I think I’m right because I think biology had to trick us into having kids. That’s why sex feels good. (laughter) Orgasms feel as good as kids are shitty. That is– They’re directly correlated. (laughter, cheering) (applause) We are the only animal species who actively want kids, if you think about it. You’ve never seen two dogs like, “We’re trying.

(laughter) “It’s been really hard. She’s 12, so you know.” And you’re like, “What? Oh, dog years. “Okay. I guess that’s acceptable. I thought you were a puppofile, but…” Kids slow you down in the animal kingdom. They make you more susceptible to prey. They deplete your resources. God, if animals could jerk off, there’d be no animals. Like…

(laughter) It’s the only reason they happen. They don’t connect it. You ever seen an animal give birth on like a nature documentary show? There’s a giraffe giving birth. It’s in active labor. It doesn’t even know. It’s just like, kind of like, “(shuddering) Oh, God.” Shaking, just like, “What’s happening?” There’s no like doula hyena next to it, like, “Breathe!”

(laughter) (laughs) Well, maybe there’s a hyena, but it’s waiting for its lunch to drop.

Like it knows more than the giraffe knows.

(laughter) The giraffe is like, “What’s happening?” It just thinks it’s constipated. Then it looks down. It’s like, “Why am I shitting legs? What is happening?” It’s just like, aaah! And then a giraffe falls out of it, and it goes, “Whoa!”

And then it like runs from it.

(laughter) Its first instinct is to split like a teen mom in a Del Taco bathroom. Just like, “I can get outta here. No one will know. (applause) “If it doesn’t flush, I’ll just say it was the Epic Loaded Burrito. It looks the same.”

(laughter)

But… The giraffe wants to leave. It knows what a burden this thing is gonna be, but it stays because it catches a whiff of it, and it goes like (sniffing), and it kinda smells it and goes, “Oh, fuck, I think I love it! Fuck!

(laughter)

“Oh no! This is gonna get me murdered by a lion. Fuck.” It doesn’t even know. It’s like, “How did this happen?” It’s kinda going back, like, “When did this…” And then it goes, “Oh yeah, I got raped that one time 15 months ago by the other giraffe,” because all animal sex is rape. Sorry to tell you this way, but it’s true. (giggles) The giraffe’s just like, “Oh, I guess it’s probably my fault. “I shouldn’t have been wearing animal print. No, that was on me. That’s on me.”

(laughter, cheering) But I, I… I get why you have kids. I… I don’t get it. I was trying to be nice.

(laughter)

I really don’t get it. I don’t get it. I mean, I do think there is something different than me and people who want kids. I think, um, I think I’m different than people who want kids because I’m… smart. I think that that’s mainly it.

(laughter) I’m a more intelligent person, and I think things through. No, (laughs) I don’t think that. No, I actually think that people that want kids are stupid.

(cheering)

Like I think they’re dumb, and they just kind of go with whatever. No, I don’t think that at all either. I really don’t. Listen, I get why you have kids.

I’m not so naïve.

(laughter) Like it’s because you love them. That’s a great feeling to feel the love that you have for your child. It’s a feeling I’ve heard of, and it sounds so good, and I might not get to feel it, and sometimes I get bummed out by that. I’m like, “Is this a human life worth living to not feel that great love?” And then, I think about, you know, you don’t get to feel every feeling in life that’s good, you know?

(laughter) Like, I also have no plans on doing heroin. Like I hear that feeling’s pretty great. I hear it might be better than the kid feeling, to be honest with you.

(laughter) Because I know people who have kids who do heroin, and they’re like, “Kids-shmids. Leave ’em in the car. “Let’s go get more heroin. Crack a window. (laughter) “Actually, bring the kid. Let’s sell it for heroin. “I don’t care about this kid because I love heroin. “Yes, I’d die for my kids, but I will die of heroin. That is certain.”

(laughter) So, I don’t know. Who am I to say what’s gonna happen with me? I could change my mind. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person yet to do heroin with, but I just…

(laughter) Someday, I’ll just tie the knot, and it’ll be right here. (laughter, applause) I think this is the arm with the good vein. I don’t know. (giggles) I do get– that love that you feel, holy shit. I think that’s why I don’t want kids is because I’m actually scared of that love. Loving something that much terrifies me. That’s so brave that you took that on. If you’re a parent, you put your entire life into the hands of a toddler who’s like, “Traffic!” Just like, what the fuck? Like…

(laughter) Do you also free solo climb? Like, that’s crazy that you did that. That’s so risky because I, I mean, I’m almost mad at my sister for having kids because the way I feel about my niece and nephew, if anything ever happened to them, like, I would…

I’d be okay. I’d be okay eventually.

(laughter) At first, it would be the worst! Oh, it’d be awful, but then, like, a Taylor Swift album would come out. Like, I would kind of like rebound. I would have moments of like, “I’m back to my old self.” But, my sister, no Taylor Swift will get her out of that, you know? It’s over for her if something happens. That’s extremely risky. That’s really impressive to me to take on that. I think it’s just I look at being a mom, and I think it’s too hard to be a mom for me. I just… Actually, no. It’s not hard to be a mom. It’s hard to be a good mom. That’s… It’s easy to be a bad mom.

That’s so easy, but to be a good mom is hard.

(cheering) To be a bad mom, that’s as easy as being a great dad.

That’s what that is.

(laughter)

(cheering)

Yeah.

(applause) It’s a cakewalk, you know it. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way it is. And I know there are some dads that do just as much as moms, and it’s because your wife is dead.

(laughter)

That’s probably why. Otherwise, it doesn’t happen. But some people just know, man. Some moms just know. “I always knew I would be a mom,” that’s what they say. (breathy) “I always knew I would be a mom.” (normal) They have to say it with that ethereal, breathy, condescending tone.

(laughter) (breathy) “You struggle with the decision? I always knew I’d be a mom.” (laughter) Oh, wow. I always knew I’d mute you on Instagram. (cheering) They’re like, “I’m a mom. I’m a mom. I’m a mama bear. I’m a mom-om-om.” (normal) Why do you have to say it like that? Just say, “I’m a– I’m a mom.” Like you don’t have to go, “Mom… mm… (smacking)

(laughter) I wish you could taste how good it feels to be a mom.” (moaning, smacking) They swallow the “mama.” Mm… Like, I wish you would’ve swallowed your husband’s load because this persona that you’ve adopted?

(laughter) It’s insufferable. (cheering) I think some moms think that if you don’t have kids, you’re a selfish person, and I get that. I think it’s a little selfish of me to not want kids, but I’ll admit it. Yeah. I just don’t feel like devoting my free time to something that could marry a DJ.

I just think that’s reckless.

(laughter) (cheering) And I know that there are moms that are like, “I’m just not as self-obsessed anymore. It’s just not about me anymore.” And I’m like, “Yeah, we can tell. “Your hair looks like you’ve always rubbed a balloon on it. (laughter) “You dress like you work in a toll booth. “I get it that you don’t work on you anymore, but you focus on your child. That’s an extension of you.” Having a kid doesn’t make you just a selfless person suddenly. I don’t see women becoming moms and going, “I’m gonna go volunteer in a soup kitchen. I’m gonna go build a home in Honduras.” No, you’re just feeding Cheerios to something that looks like you. Like that… (laughter) Thank you for doing that. It’s a noble job, but you’re treating a problem that you caused. Like this wouldn’t be here if you didn’t have it. (cheering) It’s hard work, but you signed up for it, you know? You can’t be like, “I pick up litter!” And it’s like, yeah, but you threw it there. Like, this isn’t…

(cheering)

(giggles) I don’t think your kids are trash, by the way. That’s not what I meant. I don’t. I’m so grateful that you have them because we need kids. We need future people to save us from the state the world is in right now. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, it’s kinda… it’s kinda ending.

(laughter)

Things are coming to a close, and yeah. Maybe you didn’t notice if you had kids because why would you do that? I mean… Your kid’s gonna graduate high school in a bunker,

but that’s fine. I mean…

(laughter) I’m sure your kid will be just fine in the water wars,

I’m sure. Yeah.

(laughter) Your kid, who won’t eat a turkey slice “Because it touched a pickle!” (laughter) He’ll be fine eating canned beans for decades in a hole in the ground. He’ll–

Finleigh with a “GH” is gonna do just… (laughter) just fine scavenging for drinking water in ammunition craters. Whatever we have to do. He’s gonna be great. No, if anyone saves us, it’s gonna be your kid. We need someone to save us, and if someone saves us, it’ll be your…

Well, not your kid, no offense, but… (laughter) you paid money to see a comedian who mostly talks about her pussy, so I just don’t think that your kid…

(laughter) Neither would mine. (laughs) And I will talk about my pussy.

I just wanna let you know. The night is young.

(cheering) My pussy is old. You’ll hear about it. But, yeah, Greta Thunberg’s parents aren’t here tonight.

I’m sorry.

(laughter) Our kids would not save the world. You know that. I mean, they might bully the kid who would save the world. (laughter) And then, that kid won’t save the world because our kid called them gay on Facebook, so, I mean… (laughter)

It’s okay. It’s…

(woman whoops)

Having kids is smart, actually. It actually is the smart thing to do. You’re wise to do it because someday you’re gonna get old, and no one is gonna care about you anymore. Alright? But, if you have kids, someone might?

(laughter) They might! You might get lucky. It’s gonna be your kid, right? Having a son or daughter is just having a future person who’s like, “Yeah, I gotta go see Dad later. (annoyed sigh) “Yeah, I need to get some more Vicodin. “So, yeah. “Gotta go check in on him at the home. “Yeah, I hear he’s calling the nurses the N-word, “so I gotta… (laughter) “I gotta go see that… Because they’re white, that’s hilarious. So, uh…” (laughter) (giggles) It’s true. Your kids will take care of you. That’s a good thing to do. That’s insurance. I don’t have that. If I get old, who’s gonna care for me? You know?

speaker: I got you, Nikki!

No, you don’t, sir. (laughter) I don’t think you do. (cheering) Famous women do have caretakers when they get older, but they’re gay men, okay? That’s our only hope.

(cheering)

And that didn’t sound like one to me. (applause) Yeah, I do worry about that. I’m like, “What if I don’t have kids? Who’s gonna care for me?” Not my niece and nephew after that fucking joke I just told, so…

(laughter) I gotta have a plan. And I do have a plan because I always forget I’m gonna kill myself.

I always… Duh!

(laughter)

Yeah. I know, but, like…

(applause) (breathy) I’ve, like, always known I was gonna kill myself.

(laughter)

Like, I’ve just, like, always known. Mm… (normal) No, I’m not gonna do it anytime soon. Don’t worry. I know that’s grim. It’ll be so far in the future. You’ll hear about it, I swear to God, and you’ll go, “Wait, who?” Like…

(laughter) You’ll go, “Oh, wait, yeah. I think we went to go see her, “like, 40 years ago. “I think she talked about that! Oh, my God! “She did? Good for her. Ah!

(laughter) “Yeah. I remember that night in Seattle, when it was still above water. That was fun.” (laughter) Yeah, the thoughts of death, I don’t like to dwell on them for longer than, like, 10 or 15 hours a day, so… (laughter) I hope that when I get to the end of my life, I’m just like, “Oh, I have to die? “Thank God. Jesus Christ.

(laughter) “This has been so long. I’m just ready for a break, you know? “I just really wanna unplug…that ventilator. Please. Just let me go. (laughter) Anyone? Anyone?”

I’ll be alone. I don’t have kids.

(cheering) But it has to happen! You have to die at some point, and I don’t like that. But that’s the thing about death. It has to happen. We all know it. And I don’t like that I just have to wait and see, like, (funny voice) “What’s gonna happen? How’s it gonna– How am I gonna go?” You know? (normal) I like to choose my own adventure. I’m a DIY kind of gal, you know? I wanna get crafty. I wanna go to a Michael’s and pick out some sturdy yarn, crochet a noose. I don’t know. I’m just…

(laughter) Think it could be fun. But it sucks in America. You just have to die of whatever you get, you know? Your dog doesn’t have to. You can put down your dog if its hip kind of hurts.

(laughter) They’re so lucky. Can you imagine going to your doctor and being like, “My acid reflux is just flaring up recently, so… can we just end it? Like, can we just… (laughter) It’s been a good life. It’s time.”

It’s a compassionate thing to do for your dog. People are like, “We had to put down Stripey “because she can’t walk down the stairs anymore, and that’s not a life worth living.” But Grandma can only communicate with her eyeballs, yet we just think she’s got more life to live. Let’s keep paying $8,000 a month because there’s more chapters to her story!

(laughter)

There are! I mean, just yesterday, she bit a nurse, so who’s to say? (giggles) Yeah, I hope to be able to die with dignity when I want to. Euthanasia, peacefully. But I don’t know, man. I think I might have to just blow my head off. I know it’s rough, but it’s quick, and guns are easier to get in this country than compassion, so what am I supposed to do?

(laughter) (applause, cheering) It’s not fair. My mom hates that joke. She goes, “Stop telling people “you’re gonna blow your head off. “No one wants to hear. That’s disgusting. It’s disturbing! I don’t wanna think about that!” And I go, “You know what, Mom? Actually, you’re right. “That is really disturbing. “For you, I’ll die of esophageal cancer. Is that better for you?

(laughter) “I want you there for it. It’ll look something like this. “I’ll be in a wheelchair, just like…

(gagged yelling)

(laughter) “For, like, 11 minutes. Is that cool? “Until I finally choke and drown on my own saliva. “I’ll lock eyes with you the entire time. “I think you should be there!

(laughter) That’s better than me blowing my head off, right?” Neither are ideal, but at least if I blow my head off, I could stuff my mouth with confetti.

We’ll do a gender reveal. I don’t know, let’s just…

(laughter) It could be festive! We’ll usher one life into the world as we snuff out my own. I think it could be cool. Listen, I know this is taboo. I know suicide is a scourge on our nation, and it’s a subject that’s a little touchy, but I actually feel like I have a right to talk about it because… (sighs) uh, I’m gonna kill myself someday, so, like, I… (laughter) I’m a future victim of it, so I can talk about it. That’s what comedians do a lot of times. They’ll like caveat a joke that they’re scared to tell because they don’t wanna get canceled, so they’ll be like, “But I can do this because bah bah bah bah.” You know? Like, if I were to say right now, “Guys, I’m gonna do some rape jokes,” you might go, “Go back to the suicide stuff, please.”

(laughter) But if I said, “But I can do these jokes because I’ve been raped,” you’d go, “Oh, thank God she was raped. Okay, good.

(laughter) -“Hoo! I thought she hadn’t been raped. “Thank God she was brutally raped. Now, I can relax. I was nervous before.”

(laughter) That seems weird. But comedians are scared of getting canceled, so they have to do these caveats. They either say, “It happened to me,” or they’ll say, “My family has this,” and then they throw their relative under the bus just to make their joke. You’ve seen this before. There’ll be a comedian that has a really bad take on trans people, and they’ll do all these jokes, and then they go, “I can do these jokes, actually, “because I have a trans sister… radio, “and I listen to Fox News on it.

(laughter) “So I’m misinformed and I’m an asshole, and I think it’s weird. I think they’re weird.” I’m like, “Can you transition into less of a cunt?

Is that possible?”

(cheering) (applause) So annoying. It’s true. I have jokes though that I wanna do that I can’t because I don’t have any family members with, uh, autism. That’s the jokes I have. I can’t. I have autism jokes because I’ve dated guys with it, and they were diagnosed by me and TikTok, so I know that they have it.

(laughter) It’s confirmed, but I can’t do the jokes because I don’t have any family members with autism. I will say my nephew is two and a half, and he isn’t talking yet, so fingers crossed, but like… (laughter) We didn’t get a diagnosis in time for this special, so mm! (laughs) It’s a bummer. I’ll get canceled at some point. The cancel train is coming for old Glase-talk, for sure. And my nephew is gonna love that train because…

But, um…

(laughter) I got one in. I got one in! (giggles) No, but I really do suffer with suicidal thoughts. I have depression. I get suicidal thoughts quite often, and it’s something I’ve struggled with a long time, and I’ve felt alone a lot of times with my suicidal thoughts. But then, I actually talked about it for the first time on the Joe Rogan podcast, and the response I got, it was crazy. I got hundreds of DMs telling me, “You should kill yourself.” And so, I was like, other people think it, too. I’m not alone, you know? No, they’re very common, and if you get them, please don’t listen to them. I know that if they ever get too loud for me, I’m gonna call the number 988. It’s a hotline, 24 hours a day. There’s someone there who will listen to you… kill yourself.

(cheering) (laughter, applause) No. Call 988. You have to call it. Please, please, please do. It’s just like 911, but it’s 988. Please remember it, 988. Don’t call 911. For some reason, they had to create a new number. I guess people were calling 911, like, “I think I’m gonna kill myself,” and they’re like, “Call us when you do,” and just hang up. I…

(laughter)

Okay. It’s really hard to get out of depression. Sometimes, the best way to do it is just to get out of your own head and to give back, and I actually decided tonight to donate the proceeds from this show directly to this natural disaster I’ve been following. There is a landslide currently happening on my face. It’s my skin slipping off my skull, like hot cheese off a slice of pizza that you pulled out too fast.

It’s alarming.

(applause)

Is anyone else aging? Jesus Christ.

speaker: Yeah! Yeah. Oh, I can tell.

(laughter)

It’s– No, I can’t see you. Gravity is such a cunt, dude, I can’t… (laughter) What I want, I’m gonna use the money from tonight, I’m gonna get a brow lift. Like, I just want this. I know I want this because every time I’m stressed out, and I’m like, “Oh, God! I have so much to do,” I’m like, “Oh, my God, snatch.”

(laughter)

I’ll look in the mirror, like, “Okay! What? I’ve never felt worse, but I’ve never looked better.”

(laughter)

I like love bad news now. When I hear about a mass shooting, I’m like, “No! Again?” And then I’m like, “Wait, am I on ‘Selling Sunset’? What’s happening? Tell me how many casualties.

(laughter)

47? Oh, Chrishell!”

(cheering) (giggles) (sighs) There’s a shooting every day, so it’s been really good for my skin. Um… People don’t want you to get face work. My boyfriend’s like, “Don’t do it. Don’t do anything to your perfect face. Do your tits.”

And I go, “What? What did you…”

(laughter) I’ll get to these. I don’t need to get to ’em any time soon. I mean, they’re definitely falling, but, like, this is kinda in right now, you know? Fashion-wise, under-boob is so in. Side-boob, so cool, and that is all I have. (laughter, cheering) I got so much under-boob, so much side-boob.

I got no top-boob, none.

(cheering) I haven’t had top-boob since Whitney Houston died. I mean, that was… (scattered groans) It was seriously around that time! Now, it’s just… I mean, it’s kinda changed my life.

Titty fucking is better.

(laughter) My boyfriend just puts his penis next to my rib, and I flop over my tit like a weighted blanket, and then I just move from side to side.

I just go like this.

(cheering) He stands next to the bed. I kneel, and I just, I do this. I’m like a cactus. One of those cactuses with sunglasses that’s like, (humming) It’s so easy! I used to have to smush it and be like, “Wah!”

But now, it’s just (humming).

(laughter) It’s great for older women. That’s definitely what they were doing in the fantasy suite on “The Golden Bachelor.” That is absolutely… They were just doing the funky cactus all night long. (laughter) But yeah, aging blows. And if you’re younger than me, girls in your 20s… and 30s… (laughs) Fuck.

(laughter) I forgot how old I am. I’m in my late 30s, okay? I’m in my latest 30, and so… (laughter) Holdin’ on. But yeah. You will age. Everyone, all girls in your 20s, you will age. I know you think you won’t. I used to be like you. You’d look at women like me or older, and you just kind of go like, “That’s so sad. “What’s happening to her neck? Like, that’s such a bummer. “That’s not gonna happen to me. I don’t know. “I just don’t wanna age. I just don’t feel like it. “I know my mom and grandmother did, but our generation’s different. Like I wanna travel. You know?”

(laughter)

It’s like, “What? No, you’re gonna age. You will.” This area, this… (laughs)

I know you see this, and you go, “Oh, no.”

(laughter) But that’s your future, man. Your neck is also gonna look like an old tarp next to your dad’s shed.

(laughter)

This is all falling down. It will! Please keep vaping. (laughter) Please, please keep vaping. Everything goes. This buttress falls. Your eyelids. I actually sent a picture of my eyelids for the inspiration for this backdrop. That was…

(laughter)

That’s my upper eyelid.

(applause) That’s my left labia. (laughter) I f– (laughs) My pussy is falling as well. It’s all falling. You don’t even think about it. You don’t think about that part. You’re so obsessed with your face because you see it all the time, but I saw my vagina the other day. We ran into each other in the bathtub.

(laughter)

And I try not to see that thing too often. I don’t like seeing it. It bums me out. It’s like reading the news. I’m depressed for a couple days, can’t shake it. I try to see my pussy as often as, uh, as my dentist sees it, so that’s…

(laughter)

Yeah. I’m just so worried it’s gonna grow teeth. It’s a weird fear of mine. He checks, he goes, “There’s no teeth.” And I go, “Just wanted you to check.” He’s like, “All I see is one big cavity,” and I go, “Okay. Ha, ha, ha.”

(laughter) He’s like, “I can fill it for you,” and I go, “Enough!” (laughter) I gotta make an effort to see my vagina more often. I gotta (laughs) put an alarm on my phone. Because if you wait too long, it changes too much, and it’s jarring. It’s like seeing a nephew you only see, like, once a year at Christmas. You’re like, “you’ve grown so much. Oh, my God! “Now you have a mustache? What? Oh, what’s happening?

(laughter) Time flies.” Yeah, I saw my vagina just a few weeks ago. I was on the road. I was in Milwaukee. I decided to take a bath in this DoubleTree tub. I had no bubbles, which bubbles, y– If you take a bath, bubbles– that’s why old women use bubbles in bathtubs.

(laughter)

It hides the truth. It’s just, you don’t wanna see that shit. But I had no bubbles. It’s just this stark DoubleTree bathroom, autopsy lighting. I’m in a tub that someone’s definitely shit in in the past two weeks. (laughter) I think that’s the DoubleTree promise, you know? You get two warm cookies upon check-in, and someone’s definitely shit in your tub in the past two weeks. We guarantee it. But I’m in this tub, and I turn off the water, and then the water just gets a little too still, and I just caught its eye. I’m like…

(laughter)

I just, “Oh, my God.” And then, I’m face-to-face with it, and I’m looking at it, and that face is Mitch McConnell’s. I mean, it is a dead ringer. (cheering) It was befuddled, jowly. It was like (burbling). I was like, “Oh, my God, he’s drowning!” I got him out. I dried him off. I go, “What is it, boy?” (burbling) I was like, “Take that string out of your mouth.”

So, I pulled it out, and… (laughter) I’m like, “Now, you’re bleeding!” But, no. It sucks. It’s what it looks like. It’s happening. It’s dropping. My pussy’s dropping… outta high school. It’s, uh, it’s hanging with the wrong crowd. My ankles. But… (laughter) I just miss my old vagina. I used to have a wet ass pussy. (cheering) I did. Now that song, I hear it,

I get nostalgic. I get like misty-eyed.

(laughter) Tear up. It’s like (laughs)– It’s like listening to Cat Stevens. (laughter) “I remember.” Yeah, I don’t have a wet ass– I don’t have a WAP anymore. I have… I have a dry, irritable crotch.

I have a… (laughter) I have a dick is what I have. I have a–

(cheering)

I have a dick. Any– Where are my chicks with dicks at?

(laughter)

35-plus. It’s just, it’s… I miss my 20s, man. I was wet all the time. I just, I didn’t know what I had when I had it. I was like annoyed by it. You’re wet your whole 20s. I mean, I worked at SeaWorld, so that was part of it, but God. (giggles)

(cheering)

Animal cruelty just turns me on so much, but.

(laughter) No. Your 20s, you’re wet all the time. You’re annoyed by it. You’re just constantly walking around with a little dollop of hair gel in your panties.

So, it’s like, “Ugh, that’s gross.”

(laughter) You forget about it. You go to the bathroom, you’re just like kinda having a mundane pee. Then you go to wipe, and you forget how slick you are. You hit a patch, you hydroplane. You’re like, -“Ah, Jesus Christ! Ow…”

(laughter) You hit your hand on the stall door. You’re like, “Who did this to me? What the fuck? “Who do I need to leave my boyfriend for?

My Jesus Christ. Sloppy, sloppy.”

(laughter) I rarely like get that (blows) like that gush anymore. Sometimes, it happens. I remember whenever it does because it’s just my last moments of like (sputtering) try to make a kid, fertility. Feels like God’s just doing this with a ketchup bottle, (blowing) like the last remnants.

(laughter) “Come on, we got it.”

(applause)

(giggles) But, girls, just enjoy your fuckability while you have it because it’s gonna go away, and mine is fading. I know that. I got into an Uber the other day, and I rolled up with a bunch of suitcases, and the Uber driver just popped the trunk and sat in the front seat.

(laughter) Great. I was like, is this the first sign of menopause? What’s happening right now? Why isn’t this man helping me? Because it’s great when you’re fuckable. Men wanna help you all the time. They do such nice things for you. They get their bags for you. They open doors for you. They pay for your college tuition. Thanks, Dad.

(laughter)

I don’t wanna question why he did it. (giggles) But I’m a rangy broad, man. Like, I know what it’s like to be fuckable, and I know what it’s like to not be fuckable. I do. I straddle both worlds. I really do. With enough hair and makeup and good lighting, I can resemble Kristen Bell. I really can.

(laughter)

But I swear– Don’t laugh at that. Jesus Christ. That wasn’t a joke.

(laughter)

You were supposed to go, “Yeah, I see it. Yeah, she does.” You’re supposed to be dead quiet for that part.

What the fuck was that? (giggles)

(laughter) No, I can! If I have enough hair and makeup, some people have been like, “You look like Kristen Bell.” And I’m like, “Thank you!” But I know that every morning, my boyfriend wakes up to Dax Shepard. I mean…

(laughter) That’s my range. That’s what I look like without makeup. Makeup makes you look like a woman. Otherwise, you look like a man, you know? It’s true. I’ll prove it. If I asked you to draw a smiley face, and I was like, “Now, make it a girl.” You wouldn’t just, like, scribble like a pussy underneath.

Like, who even knows how to draw that?

(laughter) You wouldn’t make it holding less money.

(laughter)

You would just… draw eyelashes on it. You’d put makeup on it. That’s what differentiates us. So, without makeup, I look, I look way different. I never get recognized ever! You know, because people see me on TV, and I don’t look the same without makeup. The other day, I was actually recognized without makeup, and I got offended.

(laughter)

I did! He asked for my autograph. I was like, “Fuck you. You think Nikki Glaser looks like this?”

(laughter)

And he was like, “Oh, no. Sorry. I thought you were Dog the Bounty Hunter.” And I go, “Oh, wait. Well, come back here, son. (scratchy) I’ll sign that hub cap for you. You get on back here.” (normal) I don’t wanna disappoint a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan. (laughter) Yeah, I’m a rangy broad, man. But I can look pretty hot. I was accidentally hot at a Trader Joe’s recently. (laughter) I didn’t mean to be. I was coming home from a photo shoot, and I stopped at a grocery store, and I was lookin’ good, and I was gettin’ flirted with by the cashier, and then he cleared my order and was like, “Get outta here.” I was like, “What?” He was like, “It’s on the house.” And I was like… “Is your dad Joe? Like is… (laughter) Can you authorize this?”

(applause) I was like, “Don’t you have to ring a bell or some shit?

What’s going on?”

(laughter) He was like, “Go, get outta here.” I was like, “Thank you!” He was like, “Stay beautiful.” And I was like, “Alright.”

Was that a threat? What the fuck was that?

(laughter) What happens if I don’t? Because I can’t stay beautiful. I have to go back here. This is my neighborhood Trader Joe’s! I had to go back the next day. I was wearing no makeup. I was scared to see the guy, but he was there, and he had me arrested for shoplifting the day before.

(laughter)

He was like, “I told you to stay beautiful.” It’s like, “Go back to ALDI.” I was (crying) “Okay.” No. It’s so funny to get upset about aging as a woman because at some point, you do have to age completely, you know? And you wanna age completely. Someday, I hope to age to the point of unfuckability. You know why? Because I don’t want anyone trying to fuck me when I’m 95. I don’t have the bone density or the muscle mass to fight you off.

(laughter) It’s a survival tool that I be revolting to you. There’s not– there shouldn’t be hot 95-year-olds. Hot 95 is a radio station, not a person, okay?

(laughter)

So, you should be so gross at some point. That means that someday, I’m gonna be 0% fuckable. That means I’m a dying battery of hotness, okay? And I can plug myself into little portable chargers here and there but eventually, it’s gonna go completely, and what a great day that will be. But until then, I’m fighting it. And that’s the paradox of being a woman. You’re trying to stay beautiful for so long. You try to stay fuckable, but at some point you just have to let go. And that day is usually the day that you cut your hair above your ear lobes. I think that’s the day you go, “Bye-bye, fuckability. (laughter) I don’t care anymore if men wanna stick their dick in me. It’s exhausting, and I’m tired.”

I love that day. Fuck yeah. I love older women with funky haircuts. They commit to getting attention in other ways. No one wants to fuck them, but they get chunky earrings. They’re like, “This is my personality. “This one’s a bumblebee! “And this is a watermelon slice, “and I have fun, crazy glasses! And here’s a big flowery broach on my saggy tit.” And they’re like, “Look here! “And here! There’s life! Because down there, “nothing. So up here… “I’m not fuckable, but you could pollinate me. Like let’s… let’s go.” But I don’t think I’ll be able to give in as soon as most people can. It’s gotta be nice to just give up, but I, I work in Hollywood, so I gotta hold on. Hollywood’s not very kind to older women. You know, sex sells.

If you’re saggin’, they’re gaggin’.

(laughter) That’s what my agent texts me every day, and I go, “I know.” I do everything I can to stay young-looking. I really do. I do Botox. I do filler. Sometimes, I do too much filler, and I look like the guy from the “Saw” movies who gives the challenges.

(laughter) I do lasers and micro-needling, and those things are so harsh on your skin. I recently got micro-needled, and I couldn’t leave the house for three days because if I did, it looked like I got mouthy in a car ride with Chris Brown.

(groaning, laughter)

It looked like I was trying to give him directions where he knew where he was going. Are you groaning? (giggles) I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to offend any Chris Brown fans. I mean… (laughter) I mean, I look like Chris Brown loves me very, very much and just wants what’s best for me. (scattered applause) But yeah, I gotta, I gotta stay hot in Hollywood. If you’re not textbook hot, you gotta work so hard. You gotta be like the most talented ever, you know? Remember Susan Boyle? Remember? Remember that video? You should watch it again. It didn’t age well, much like her. It didn’t, it didn’t– doesn’t hold up. This woman walks out on stage, if you don’t remember, and she has the audacity to go on a talent competition at the age of 47.

(laughter) She’s just an old woman on a talent show, and the audience can’t fucking handle it. They’re freaking out, just like, “What is this?” They’re jeering, they’re booing, they’re hissing. They’re puking in the aisles, like (gagging). (laughter) They’re like, “Go back to your shoe!”

(laughter)

They’re just horrified by her. Like, “What is her talent? Feeding pigeons? It’s disgusting. She can’t even talk.” They’re so mad. And then, she finally gets to sing, right? Simon Cowell just crosses his arms over his fucking tits, and he’s just like, “Alright, what do you got?”

(laughter) And she of course sings, and it’s like… ♪ I dreamed a dream of time gone by ♪

And it’s like…

(cheering)

“Oh, my God. -“She should live. Like, we… (laughter) “should keep her. Let’s not stone her to death. “That was gonna be fun, doing a public stoning. “But she has value now. Before, she didn’t. “But maybe I can tolerate her disgusting head now that her voice sounds so good.”

(laughter) What the fuck, you know? But it’s, it’s hard to not be conventionally hot. It just is. It’s a harder life, and that’s why it makes sense to try to stay hot. It’s not a vapid pursuit. You know, if you’re not conventionally hot, you gotta work harder. I mean, look, look at short men, if you can find ’em.

(laughter) The closest one may be in front of you. I have a short boyfriend, so I know, you know? I had to go short because I wanted a hot guy. I wanted a good face. So if you want a good face, you gotta go, you gotta take some hits.

(laughter)

That’s my, that’s my secret. If you want a 10 in the face, you gotta go 5’7″ in the height. That’s just the way it goes. I could never get my boyfriend’s face on a taller model. There’s no way. But I got him on discount.

He’s marked down. You know, he’s a defect.

(laughter) We met at TJ Maxx. (applause) He’s really good-looking. Sometimes, I post a picture of us, and girls are like, “Good job, girl. How’d you get that?” I’m like, “If you zoomed out, you’d see he’s sitting on my lap.” So, this is a tiny man. (laughter) I had to go digging in the bargain bin for this one, went deep. But I love short guys. I like to stand up for you because– I mean, I sit down for you when I’m talking in conversation to make you more comfortable, but I stand up for you figuratively because I don’t, um, I like how people are mean to you. And you’re usually cooler than tall guys because you have to be because no one respects you.

You know, like– (laughs)

(laughter) I’m sorry. You know this! My boyfriend, he’s told me about it. When he grew up… When he reached adulthood, (laughter) (giggles) He– He looked around, and he was like, “Oh, fuck. No one here respects me. “I gotta learn a magic trick or something to get people to like me.” So, he adapted. He’s funny. He’s cool. And short men love magic.

I think–

(laughter) They like it because it’s showy, and people go, “Oh!” They get attention. It’s another way to get attention. And I also think that they see a man saw a woman in half, and they’re like, “Oh, that’s how I’ll be taller than a woman.

Okay, that’s what I aspire to.”

(laughter) He’s great though. We’ve been together 10 years off and on. And, yeah, but we’re actually getting to the point where we’re like, “We’re gonna take it to the next level and break up forever because I think it’s time.”

(laughter)

No. He’s… He’s, uh… he’s, he’s– I know from breaking up with him a lot, and we date other people and come back together, I look at him and I go, “He’s the best I can do.”

You know, like I just know that.

(laughter) I’m gonna settle someday.

I mean settle down. Did I say settle?

(laughter) It is settling, isn’t it? When you get married, you just go, “Yeah, this is good enough.” Like.., We all like to convince ourselves, “No, this is my soulmate!” (giggles)

No, it’s not.

(laughter) It’s not your soulmate, sorry. That’s just a guy that was on Bumble at the same time as you that reminded you of your dad in the perfect little way. Everyone likes to go, “He’s my soulmate.” You’re not that lucky! Out of eight billion people on the planet, he’s not your soulmate. Your soulmate, statistically, is in China.

(laughter)

That’s where your soulmate is, and that’s where they’ll die. The closest you’ll get is maybe your soulmate touched your phone on an assembly line, but that’s the closest where your stars will ever cross. Maybe he stitched your mom’s blouse when he was in third grade.

(laughter) Do they call it grades if they don’t go to school?

I don’t know. But…

(groaning) Child labor is– (laughs) Sorry, it’s not funny. I mean, you guys laughed, so I guess it is, but I thought it wasn’t until now. No, it’s awful. It’s, um… What are you gonna do though? Like, it’s– Not buy an $8 dress?

(laughter)

Like I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I love fast fashion. I can’t stop. I like the sizing. I just bought a dress from Fashion Nova, which I shouldn’t do it, but, man. I’m usually a size six dress, but I check the tag, and now I’m a “help me” in Korean, and I think that’s like really tiny.

(laughter) It makes me feel little, so… I don’t know about marriage though. I don’t think… I don’t know if monogamy is for me.

(cheering, applause)

I question it. I do. And the only reason I think that is I look at the porn that I watch, and I’m like, “This is not a marriage. You know? (laughter) My dad’s not gonna pay for this.” Right? I’m not watching marital sex when I jerk off. I’m not cumming to a committed couple having lazy side sex because they ate too much cheese.

This isn’t what gets me off.

(laughter)

It isn’t!

(applause) I… I like gangbangs, if I’m being honest. I like gangbangs.

(cheering)

I watch them. They’re amazing. They’re rough though. Boy, are they rough. The ones I watch, some of them, I go, “Jesus Christ.” I know it’s bad because they have nine views. I’m like, “Oh boy, this isn’t good.” (laughter) Every video I watch has a bucket in the corner that has no less than three uses. None of them good. I mean, this is depraved stuff. I feel bad. I feel bad after I watch it! My soul is like, “Ugh,” you know? But my soul and my clit are not on the same page, so those two need to get a coffee or something. Have a little chat. (sighs) My boyfriend does know about my gangbang proclivity because… he’s here tonight, so he just found out.

(cheering)

Surprise! It’s just a joke! (fake laugh) (laughter) It’s not a joke. I want it. It’s hard to tell your boyfriend that you want a gangbang. It’s like, what do you do? I gave him hints, little nudges. I sent him an email with a link that said, -“DO THIS,” in all caps. I mean, just…

(laughter) You know. (giggles) He goes, “Do this?” And I go, “Yeah, do this.” He’s like, “What does that even mean? What do you mean?” And I go, “I don’t know. Didn’t you just join a pickleball league? “Like make some friends! See who can keep a secret. “You’re gonna have to venture out of the pickleball court “to find the Black guys we need for this gangbang “because I will be honest with you, affirmative action is very important to me.” They’re firm I want some action. But…

(laughter)

My boyfriend knows all of this, and he wasn’t threatened. It was actually not surprising because he doesn’t get threatened by this stuff. Not like my friend’s boyfriends and husbands. My one friend, she had to hide her vibrator from her husband because he kept using it, and I think that’s so sad.

(laughter) Get your own, but… No, she had to hide it because he was insecure about it, which I get. I get being jealous and insecure of something that’s so much better than you. Like I get that. It is! It is. It vibrates! Right? But don’t worry. We don’t compare you to it. It’s better than you, but– I’ve never looked at my boyfriend’s dick and been like, “But it’s not green. Like, I hate this.

(laughter) “I’m going. “Doesn’t vibrate at 90 pulses a second. I hate it!

(laughter) Where’s the charging cable I’m gonna lose?” Like, it’s different. It’s a dick. Do you compare us to your hand?

No. I-I hope not.

(laughter) I don’t have that kind of grip down there. My pussy can’t open a jar of pickles. I don’t have those kind of Kegels to get in some Claussen’s. (laughter) I hope you’re never fucking us, just like, “Oh, there’s no calluses. This sucks. (laughter) I miss my class ring.” Like, what? It’s different! My boyfriend, he snapped into action when he found out about the gangbang thing, man. We were fooling around one time, he blindfolded me, and he’s like, “I’ve invited some guys over to gangbang you. “They’re waiting in the hallway. They’re lined up. They’re gonna come in one by one and fuck you.” I was like, “That’s a train. Okay, like that’s different.” (laughter) A train is one by one. It’s cute. It’s adorable. It’s great. A train is folksy.

You know?

(laughter) It’s not nothin’, but, you know, it’s quaint. A gangbang is an Amtrak derailment.

(laughter)

I mean, a gangbang is FEMA gets called in. A gangbang will ruin a town forever, you know? But I was like, “We can do a train. All aboard.

Let’s go. Choo-choo.”

(laughter) No, I was– At first, I was horrified. I go, “What? You did what!? There’s– Who’s here?” ‘Cause it was at my apartment, and the parking situation there is a nightmare. I have to give them passes.

(laughter) I have to bring them up. I was like, “The door guy’s gonna be so mad at me.” He was like, “The door guy’s here.”

I was like, “Okay, well…

(laughter) “That’s one Black guy down. Alright, so someone was taking notes.”

(laughter) No, he goes, “It’s make-believe. Don’t– Just calm down.” I go, “Okay, now I can do this. It’s just a role-play thing, but what’s gonna happen here?” So then, he proceeds to bring in each guy. He announces them, and then the guy comes in, and then he does a voice for each guy. (laughter) So smart, right? I’m blindfolded, so they all sound different. He’s kinda good at voices. He really is. It like kinda took me out of it. I mean, his Cosby was a little disconcerting, but that one, I just…

(laughter) I always fall asleep during it.

I mean, he gets…

(laughter) He gets method about it. I wake up, and there’s pudding on my face.

I’m like, “Oh, God.

(laughter) Classic Cos.” (laughs) No, it’s so brilliant. A different voice for each guy. A different toy for each guy, too, so it really feels like someone different. At first, he was using his own dick for each guy, and I was like, that worked when I was, like, you know, imagining his brothers, but like– (laughs) (laughter) When he was playing his brothers, it was fine, but after a while, I was like, every guy has your dick? Like… I don’t see color, but I can feel it. So, I’m just saying if… (laughter, applause) (giggles) He added a really fun element to it though because he goes, “Okay, they’re gonna come in one by one to fuck you, but you can’t fuck them.” And I’m like, what? He’s like, “They’re all gonna try, but you can’t.” I’m like, what is this? He goes, “You need to be a good girl.”

And I’m like, “Okay. Well, I can’t…

(laughter) “I’m already finished if you just wanna call it “on this whole thing because that was enough for me. I will be a good girl. Okay, I won’t fuck them.” So then, they each come in, and, of course, they try to fuck me. And they’re like, “Come on, I’m gonna fuck you.” And I go, “I can’t. I told my boyfriend I wouldn’t. He’s nice enough to even let me do this. I can’t.” And they’re like, “No, I’m gonna fuck you.” And I go, “No… ‘kay.” And then I cheat on my boyfriend with my boyfriend! It’s amazing! And then that guy leaves, and then my boyfriend comes back in, and he’s like, “You didn’t fuck that guy, did you?” And I’m like, “I would never betray you in that way.

(laughter)

Like, I love you so much. I would never do that.” So, I am lying to my boyfriend about cheating on my boyfriend with my boyfriend. Like I’m lying, I’m cheating, I’m doing all the things I’ve ever wanted to do in a monogamous relationship. I’m planning his murder with one of these guys.

I’m like, “I think I could get married if I–

(laughter) if he could keep this up. This is amazing.” But I got a little too greedy, I wanna say. Like I was excited about this whole thing, and we were watching TV one night, and I got a crush on one of the guys on the show, some Italian guy. And my boyfriend’s sitting next to me. He’s like eating Thai food in his pajamas. He was not in the mood for me to be like, “Hey, maybe you should invite Mario to one of our GB seshes.”

(laughter) And he was like, “Are we still casting? I didn’t know.”

(laughter) I, uh, I forgot about it for a while after that. But then, he remembered. It was so awesome. We were doing the thing, and then at the very end, it was the last guy, and he goes, “And finally…

Mario.”

(cheering) He sounded like he was introducing the musical guest on “SNL.” He was like, “And finally… Mario.” I was like, “Thank you, babe!” It was one of those moments where I was like, “He remembered! Like, he went to Jared!”

Like it was like my version of that.

(laughter) “He went to Jared and Mario and Keith and Larry.” You know. I was so excited. He goes, “Here comes Mario.” I was like, “Thank you!” He was like, “You’re welcome.” And then Mario comes in, he’s like, (Super Mario voice) “It’s-a me, Mario!”

(normal) And I go, “No! What? No!

(laughter)

Not that one!”

(applause) He’s like, “That’s what you get for making suggestions.” I was like, “No… (crying)

(laughter)

No.” And Mario laid some pipe. I gotta say, wasn’t that bad. (laughter) Luigi was there, too. I could hear him. He was in the corner, jerking off like a cuck. (laughter) Heard his overalls clanking around. (laughter) Because of this fantasy, I don’t think I’d need to have a gangbang now. Now, I’m like, maybe it’s just enough to watch them. And I do love watching them, and I’ll never stop. They’re so impressive, dude. If you don’t know, like– (sighs) Let me just show you.

Can I get some volunteers? No.

(laughter) The woman is usually like on her back, like a stranded turtle. She’s just kinda like (groans) you know. And there are two or three or four dicks down there sometimes. I don’t like three or four. I like two, one in each hole. That’s perfect. That’s all we need. I don’t like one. I don’t like when a girl’s like, “No anal.” I’m like, what is this, Kid Bops? Like I’m not watching this shit with my niece.

(laughter)

Fill her up. It’s so nuts, dude. Really, I watch these, and I just go, “Thank you for your service.” I mean, these women, they work their asses off. I mean, some of them, their assholes literally fall off.

(laughter)

It is so impressive. And that’s why I think I really like them though. It’s just because these women are so impressive. They’re– They’re almost relatable in what they’re doing, you know? They’re doing so much all at once, it’s like a masterclass in multitasking.

(laughter)

I really relate to them, you know? Because there’s this girl, she’s juggling it all. She’s making it look easy. She’s like, “I got this,” you know? It’s, it’s, it’s a lot like life. I look at it and I go, that’s my life, kind of. Every day, life is just trying to fuck you from so many different angles.

(laughter)

You know what I mean? Life is a gangbang, really. It’s like you gotta find a career, and then you gotta raise a family, and you gotta practice self-care, and you have to realize none of it’s making you happy.

(cheering)

And you all go to therapy! That’ll help! Then you learn it’s your mom’s fault.

Then you go to more therapy.

(applause) Then you realize it’s your dad’s fault! And then, you’re like, “Oh, I’ll try ayahuasca!” And then you puke your molestations into a bucket! (gagging) And then, you fucking– You can just keep smiling. You know, change positions. Okay, good.

Everything’s fine.

(laughter) You gotta get a skincare routine and you gotta hydrate! You gotta exfoliate! Gua sha! Realize nothing you do will ever make you look like a Korean teen!

(laughter)

Don’t forget to get your REAL ID!

(laughter)

(moaning) Oh, God! Oh, God! (orgasmic gasping) And then, you get bangs! Then, you post about your bangs on Instagram, and you only get one fire emoji, and it’s from your hairstylist!

Fuck! Now, I have bangs!

(cheering) Only Taylor Swift can pull off this look! (gagging) Then, you realize you don’t have the core strength to keep doing this joke!

(applause)

You wonder why the fuck you wrote this bit! Why is this your career at the age of 39? Is this even art anymore?

(gagging)

(laughter) (panting) It’s all so exhausting, you guys!

(cheering)

There’s too many dicks, and you can’t jerk them all off, no matter how hard you try. (laughter) It’s relentless, it’s exhausting, and there’s no safe word, you know? Life is a gangbang, and most of the time, you don’t even get to cum.

(cheering)

(panting)

(applause)

But…

(electronic music playing) there is good news. ‘Cause someday, you’ll die.

(laughter)

(applause, cheering)

Thank you, Seattle! Good night!

♪ Someday, you’ll die ♪
♪ Someday, you’ll die… ♪
♪ Someday, you’ll die ♪
♪ I’m not okay ♪
♪ I sound insane ♪
♪ It’s not my whole words in my brain ♪
♪ I can’t complain ♪
♪ My life is ♪
♪ Fucking great ♪

(cheering fades out)

♪ When life’s a mess, and you’re depressed ♪
♪ Breathe deep and just be grateful ♪
♪ There’s just one sure thing in this life ♪
♪ That someday, you’ll die ♪
♪ Someday, you’ll die… ♪
♪ Someday, you’ll die! ♪

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Rachel Feinstein: Big Guy

Rachel Feinstein: Big Guy (2024) | Transcript

Rachel Feinstein reflects on her dynamic with her husband, poking fun at his attempts at romance and the unique challenges of balancing family life with the humorous aspects of her stand-up career.

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