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Nate Bargatze Stand-Up Monologue – SNL | Transcript

First-time host Nate Bargatze talks about going to county fairs in the '80s to watch his dad perform and his mom going to the wrong house to pick up his daughter.
Nate Bargatze Stand-Up Monologue - SNL

Original air date: October 28, 2023

Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Bargatze!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s very exciting. It’s crazy. I’m as– look, if you’re at home, I’m as shocked as you are that I’m here. I’ve come to this building for a long time, so it’s unreal to be here at “Saturday Night Live.” It’s crazy. It’s all right there. My name is Nate Bargatze. I’m from Tennessee. I’m also from the 1900s. And–

[laughter]

I just think you got to say it. Like the world is so future now. And I feel in the way of it. Hotels, hotels are futuristic. You take a shower, the shower’s enclosed. But now a lot of hotels have half a glass, and water gets on the floor. And that’s the future. That’s what the future– that’s what they want. And, you know, I would like a whole– they do half a glass because I’m still alive, so they’re like– they don’t want to hear me going “where’s the glass?” at, so they do half a glass. In the future, the floor is always wet, every floor. I mean, I think–

I’m 44. My daughter’s 11. When she’s my age, it’ll be 2057. I don’t even believe that’s a real year. My movies didn’t go that high in fake years. How am I going to talk to someone from 2057? I have more in common with a pilgrim.

[Laughter]

I saw too much old-timey stuff. I’m pre-internet. We go to a county fair, Wilson County fair — this is in Tennessee if you’re wondering — and we would go there– fairs, I don’t know how they’re still open. I don’t think the government knows about them. We ride these rides that were on the interstate an hour ago.

[Laughter]

So, my dad is a magician if you don’t know, and we would go watch him perform. This is the ’80s. So we go watch him, my dad’s doing magic. Right next to him, they had donkeys jumping off a high dive into a pool. So pretty tough to keep people’s attention when my dad is like, is this your card? And everybody’s like, hold on, this donkey’s about to jump off this high dive. That’s something you don’t think you want to see until it’s up there. I usually– look, I use the word jump very loosely. Yeah. These donkeys are falling off this high dive. But can’t put that on the sign. You know. Want to watch a donkey fall off a high dive? Like, no. What if he jumped? Well, at least he’s into it.

[Laughter]

Just so you know, PETA shut that down. That was one everybody was like, we get that one. There was another one they had to shut down, so this is also in the ’80s, pre-internet. You could fight an orangutan. You could fist-fight an orangutan. This was offered. We didn’t have a lot going on. This is what we had to do. So an orangutan would be in a boxing ring with boxing gloves on, and it would stand like this, and a guy would pay $5– it wasn’t for free. You would pay, and you would go in there and this orangutan would just knock this dude out because we didn’t have the internet to look up how strong is an orangutan, so…

[laughter]

…yeah. It was all word of mouth back then. You had to meet a guy that just fought an orangutan. And you’re like, are they strong? Yeah, dude. But the arms are skinny. I know. That’s what I thought as well. That strength comes from somewhere.

Look, you think I’m old. There’s people older than me still around. Yeah. That’s crazy. It’s crazy. Walking around, people from the ’30s. My great aunt Helen, from the ’30s, she’s deaf. They didn’t know she was deaf until she was 9 years old. That’s how long it took for them to figure… deaf is one of the easier ones to figure out. And the doctors were baffled, as they smoked in her face. And they were like, I don’t know. She’s rude. I’ll tell you that.

[Laughter]

My mom– my parents are getting older, so we had my mom go pick up our daughter recently at a friend’s house. I texted her the address. She drove to the wrong house. She knocked on the door, and another grandmother answered. This is not good. This is like two dogs seeing each other through a fence. They’re gonna be there for a while, you know? So my mom, she knocks on the door. My mom goes, is my granddaughter in there, and that lady goes, I have three grandsons. So, no solution. Just two grandmothers just, do you have stuff? I have stuff too. They talked for 30 minutes. It’s a wrong door. I had to go get my daughter then find my mom.

[Laughter]

My dad too. My dad has surgery eight times a year probably. And he loves it. He loves it.

[Laughter]

He had surgery because he was addicted to Afrin, the nose spray. Look, I have been addicted to Afrin the nose spray. If you don’t know what it is, I would honestly tell you not to get involved. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever been a part of. Solves everything immediately. When I was on it too, my wife was– she would be like what’s that noise? She would hear one puff, what’s that? I go, I ain’t going to live like this. I didn’t work this hard not to do Afrin in my own home.

So my dad goes to the doctor, and they were like, “do you use Afrin?” And he goes, “no.” And the doctor was like, like “I can see that you use it. I was just saying that.”

[Laughter]

And he goes, “how long have you been using it?,” and my dad said “five years,” which is a lie. But my mom was there, and she goes, “how about 45 years? That’s how long he’s used it.” The back of the box says no more than three days.

[Laughter]

There’s not a medicine on earth that tells you to give it a good 45-year run.

That’s why I get nervous as I get older because I am already not smart. And I’m in my prime right now. I don’t read any books. I don’t do it. And I think that matters. I do think that matters. Reading, I believe, is the key to smart. That’s what I’ve always said. And I don’t do it because every book is just the most words. It doesn’t let up. I mean, every page is more words– it’s like, what are you talking about? Put some blank pages in there. Let me get my head above water for two seconds.

[Laughter]

I– I did–

[applause]

Thank you. I’m like, I want to learn more about history because I don’t know anything. So I’m trying to figure it out. And I can tell I don’t know anything about history because every history movie I watch, I watch on the edge of my seat just like what is going to happen. I don’t know. I watched the movie Pearl Harbor, and I was as surprised as they were. Just crazy.

All right. We’ve got a great show for you tonight! Foo Fighters are here, so stick around, and we’ll we’ll be back!

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