Mo Amer: Mohammed in Texas (2021) | Transcript

Mohammed "Mo" Amer discusses pandemic politics, the stock market, cursing in Arabic, having two homes but no land, and more.
Mo Amer: Mohammed in Texas

[quirky flute music playing]

[single note piano music playing]

Ladies and gentleman.

[cheering]

You can feel excitement in the air. Here we go, Houston, Texas! [cheering] Let’s get this show on the road. Dwayne Johnson here, also known as The Rock, also known as La Roca in Spanish, also known as the sexiest motherfucker alive. It’s not important right now, but what is important that you guys have come together to see one man. The man who hails from a place that many of you know. The Alief area.

[cheering]

Yes. [chuckles] “The SWAT” as we call it. Many amazing people have come out of the Swat. Lizzo, Beyoncé, Travis Scott. [cheering] And one other person, who you guys did not know has come out of the Swat, is the one and only people’s champ, The Rock! [cheering] Well, just for tonight, I’ve come out of the Swat. But tomorrow I’ll be from some place else. Probably Hawaii. Listen, what is important right now, [chuckles] is that I have the honor of introducing the man who you have come to see. Ladies and gentlemen of Houston, a warm hometown Houston welcome for the man himself. [whistling] The other people’s champion. My boy. Your boy. Mo Amer.

[cheering]

[deep base music drops]

[cool slowbeats music playing]

[cheering and whistling]

What’s up, Houston? All right, all right, all right, all right. Take a seat. Take a seat. Take a seat. We made it! We made it. [music fades out] We made it, y’all. For real, like, it’s so amazing. We’re all here together. I mean, after the last 19 months that we’ve had. I mean, we’re here. We’re together. As a live performer I thought it was over, to be honest. [laughing] And now we’re here. That was the second time I ever thought my career potentially might be over. The first time… [laughing] was right after 9/11.

[laughing and applause]

Someone named Mohammed. I was like, “It’s not looking good for me out here.” [laughing] [Mo chuckles] Matter of fact, my own family turned on me. [laughing] My own brother looked me dead in my eyes and goes, “Your career is over.” [laughing] I was like, “How could you say some shit like that to me?” “You know I always wanted to be a stand up comedian.” He goes, “Look how they’re talking about us on the news.” “Nobody wants to see a Mohammed on stage telling jokes.” “Your career is over.” I said, “Omar, you’re a pilot.”

[laughing and applause]

Now I’m in a movie with The Rock. In your face, bitch. You know what I mean? [chuckles]

[cheering and applause]

Wow. Is it over though? [sighs] Is the pandemic over? [sighs] Was it real? [sighs] But what, is it over? No for real, I’m asking. Is it though? [soft grunt] I’m always like laughing and about to cry at any moment inside. I’m like [chuckles and grunts]. Was is real? Is it? You know what’s real? Divorce is real. Divorce… [laughing] Divorce is real as fuck. Divorce is so real. I got divorced in the pandemic. It happened, you know. What are you gonna do? [whistling] We both one guy’s happy.

[soft cheering and applause]

It’s not like those stories that you hear where a comedian’s like, “Fuck that bitch.” No. It just didn’t work out. You know what I mean? And it’s fine. And when you’re married for so long you’re just use to certain things. I was dead asleep one night. And then I farted so hard. [laughing] I farted so hard I woke up ashamed. Like… [gasps] Like this. [laughing] And I looked over to my left and I apologized. And there was nobody there! [laughs] [laughing] I just turned over and cried. I was like… [sobs] [laughing] I wrote that shit down immediately. I’m like, “This is hilarious.” [sobs] [sobs then laughs] [laughing] Is it real? Was it? Is it real? I don’t know. Fuck. [laughing] It’s how I feel… [grunts] …all the time.

Pandemi you know, what the media did to us was, honestly, it feels unforgivable. It really did. It’s like, “Panic!” [screams] “It’s coming!” “What’s coming?” “I don’t know. It’s coming.” [laughing] [shouts] “Three people have it.” “What? Huh?” “It’s coming!” “What’s coming?” “Something that has to do with a bat.” “I don’t know.” “Bats are coming?” “No!” “It came from a bat.” [laughing] “And it’s this thing you can’t see with your naked eye, but it’s coming.” “You’re all gonna die.” [screams] “But don’t be scared.” “Don’t” “What do you mean?” “Huh?” “I’m scared.” “I’m worried.” [chuckles] “Don’t worry, just get Chlorox.” “You’re gonna be fine.” [laughing] “Get as much Chlorox.”

[soft applause]

“But don’t use the Chlorox… [laughing] …before you use Chlorox on the Chlorox.” “Then you could use the Chlorox, okay.” [laughing] “When you get packages, fucking bathe with the packages.” [laughing] They had us all a bunch of assholes. We’re like… [spraying noise] [laughing] “Amazon came in.” [spraying noise] [laughing] “It’s fine, fan it out. It’s fine.”

[soft cheers and applause]

[screams] [laughing] “Put on a mask.” “How many masks?” It kept changing. [laughing] “Put on a mask. One mask.”, Fauci said. “One mask is like 33% protection.” “Two masks are like 66% protection.” [laughing] “Three masks are like 97% protection.” And then a plastic bag, just 100%. [laughing] Just kill yourself. Just… [grunts] asphyxiate. “Oh, no, we lost another one to COVID!” [laughing] “Nah, bro, one more bag, bro. He killed himself.” [laughing] [huffs] “Stay home. We figured it out.” “Stay home.” “How long?” “I don’t know.” [laughs] “Monthses, I think.” [laughing] “How many monthses?” “Just monthses, bro, I don’t know.” [laughing] “It’s gonna be monthses.” “How many monthses?” “We don’t know.” [laughing] “You’re supposed to know.” “I know.” “But we don’t know.” “It’s monthses. Just stay home.” “Well, I have to go to work.” “Fuck your job,” they said. [laughing] “Fuck your job.” “What do you mean, fuck my job?” “I don’t have to pay rent?” “Whoa, hold on, take it easy.” [laughing] “Capitalism. Take it easy.” “You still have to pay your rent.” “Oh, so, hold on, but then I have to go to well, then, send me money. You know what just send me money.” “No, whoa, what are you, a crackhead, bro?” [laughing] “We can’t send you money if if” “What are you talking about? We can’t send you” “Why you stuttering a lot, bro?” “Just send me this money.” “We we don’t have any money, okay.” [soft laughing] “We don’t have any” “What are you talking about?” “We send you money, but that’s how this works, okay.” “We send you money and you allocate it for different buckets. Right. You got Social security, you got Medicare, Medicaid, there’s a lot of buckets.” “And I’m sure you have a rainy day fund.” “Bro, you gotta have a rainy day fund.” “And it’s pouring outside.” “Fucking full blown hurricane season.” [laughing] “Seven hurricanes hitting at the same time.” “Send me some fucking money.” “I have a confession, we’re broke. Okay.” [laughing] “What do you mean you’re broke? You’re the federal government.” [laughs] “I know, I know.” I know, we’re in debt, okay.” [chuckles] “We’re in debt, all right, it’s” [laughing] “It’s a lot of it’s debt, okay.” “How much debt?” “We’re just minus okay. We’re just…” [laughing] “We’re just” “I know what debt means, bro, just how much minus?” “It’s a lot of minuses.” [laughing] “So much minus. A lot of minus.” “Just spit it out. How much is it?” “Twenty trillion dollars.” [laughing] “Twenty trillion dollars?” “Who’s balancing this cheque book?” [laughing] “MC Hammer? Who’s managing this whole situation?” “How did you get 20 trillion dollars minus?” “Killing Brown people is so expensive.” [audience cries out in surprise] “Oh!” “It’s so expensive.” [loud sigh] “Just so much. So as you can see, we can’t send you money.” “If we’re in minus. Overdraft fees are piling up. We can’t… [laughing] send you out of minus.” [laughs] “What, Kyle?” “The stock market is gonna fail?” “Holy shit, Kyle. Heat up the printer.” “Heat up the fucking printer.” [laughing] “Make three trillion dollars appear.” “And let’s funnel it into the Ponzi scheme that is the stock market.” [soft laughing] Because the stock market is a direct reflection of American hearts everywhere. If the arrow’s going down that means hearts and souls of Americans everywhere is also going down. “But look it’s working, it’s going up!” “Americans are happy again.” “It’s going up.” [laughing] “It’s sky rocketing!” “Wait, wait, wait. How the fuck is it sky rocketing?” “We’re all at home. I thought…” [laughing] I…

[laughing and applause]

“How is it…”

[soft laughing and applause]

“How…” “How is this thing going up?” “I thought it was all based off of revenue streams and quarterly earnings. And nobody’s working.” “I get Amazon. Shit.” [laughs] “Everybody is at home ordering, this should be sky rocketing.” “Well, fuck you, Jeff Bezos, and thank you, Jeff Bezos, all at the same time. “Like, but how is this still going up, bro?” “I thought this was all based off of money coming in. Everybody’s at home.” “Look man, shut the fuck up, okay!” [laughing] “Just look at the arrow. God, can’t you just shut shut your mouth and just be happy that the arrow’s going up?” “No, I can’t, bro. We need money.” “Look here’s $1,200. Hush money.” “Shut the fuck up.”

[laughing and applause]

“Thank you. That’ll last me a week. I appreciate that.” [laughs] “Stop trying to distract me.” “How the fuck is this arrow going up, though, for real?” “Homelessness is at an alltime high.” “Look, aliens are real. Chew on that for a little bit.” “What?” [laughing] “You talk to them?” “Yeah, bro, all the time, it’s crazy.” “Just look at the arrow, all right.” “No, still, like, so many unemployed.” “Fifty million people unemployed. How the fuck is the arrow going up, bro?” “Look, Jada cheated on Will Smith. Chew on that for a little bit.” [laughing] “What?” “Why, Jada, why?” [laughing] “What happened?” “Something about entanglements, I don’t know, it’s crazy.” “Just look at the arrow.” “Just look at the fucking arrow.” “No, for real, stop trying to distract me, bro. How is this arrow still going up, okay? Please explain yourself.” “Look, I’ve got a hot tip for you, okay.” “Cryptocurrency.” [laughing] “What the fuck is cryptocurrency?” “It’s these little people inside of a computer.” “And they’re just mining. They’re just mining for these digital coins, okay.” “What you do is, you move the real fake money over to the… [laughing] over to the more real fake money.” [laughing] “And what you do is, you just move, once you have more real fake money, you move your real fake money over here” “and you just keep doing that.” “I’m so confused.” “Hey, man, I’ve got another hot tip for you. NFT’s.” “What the fuck is a NFT?” [shouts and laughing]

[applause]

“It’s a blockchain of ownership…” “You know what, I’m just gonna put a plastic bag over my head. Fuck this shit.”

[laughing and applause]

[cheering] Is it real? COVID’s real. I had it. Dave Chappelle gave me COVID. That’s right. [laughing] Well, that was the second time. [laughing] But the first time, he hits me up right at the beginning of the pandemic. He’s like, “Say, Mo, what are you doing?” I’m like, “I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news, bro.” “I’m at home, dog, that’s what I’m doing.” [laughing] “That’s what you do. We’re all at home. I don’t know if you were watching.” He was like, “Yeah, you can’t let them break us.” I’m like, “We’re broken, bro.” “The whole country is broken.” He was like, “That’s why I’m hitting you up.” “I’m gonna do these shows out in this cornfield in Ohio.” I was like, “I don’t know, man, this doesn’t sound very, I’m not sure, you know.” He was like, “No, no.” “We’re gonna test everybody every three days.” “It’s gonna be very safe. We’re gonna do the best we can. Nothing is guaranteed, of course.” “We’re gonna do the best that we can, every” I was like, “You have testing machines, bro? This is the beginning of the pandemic.” [laughing] “Like, how did you get testing machines?” He just went nuts, He was like, “Say, nigga, I’m Dave Chappelle. Of course I got these”

[cheering and applause]

I was like, “Good point.” Really good point. So we go, I go to Ohio. And it was a amazing run of shows, like, almost four months of doing these shows. And we almost made it, but we had outbreaks and we had to stop it. And he made it into a documentary film. It’s an incredible documentary film. I saw it at Radio City Music Hall. It was the first time that I got to see it. And then I watched it and I was like, “Wait, the end of the movie makes it look like I ruined the whole fucking party.” [laughing] I got COVID and the whole thing had to shut down because I was being a bitch. I was like, “Wait, hold on a second.” I walked up to Dave. I’m like, “Dave, the way you edited this, you made it look that Mohammed was the villain in the whole situation.” [laughing] “That’s not the truth, bro. I didn’t do” He’s like, “Ah, man, nobody’s gonna think this.” And right after he walks away Bradley Cooper walks up. He’s like, “Man, this is really fucked up how you just ruined the… [laughing] ruined the party in Ohio.” I was like, “It wasn’t me.” “An awardwinning film maker is saying that this is what it looks like.” “Oh, no!” And it wasn’t my fault. It was this tiny little lady. She was really small. And she was handsy. Really handsy. [laughing] And she was touching me all the time. “Hi, Mo.” [giggles] “Hi.” [laughing] Just doing this all the time. I’m like, “Hey, stop touching me right now.” “First of all, it’s a pandemic. Like, I don’t you that well enough” “and stop touching me, like” And then she fakecoughed in my face. [fake coughs] Like this. And I was like, “I love dark humor, but that’s [laughing] That’s not funny!” “It’s not funny, bitch. It’s not funny.” And then she tested positive three days later. [audience sympathizes] I was like, “I knew she was Israeli. I knew it.”

[laughing and applause]

I knew it. I knew it. They were having a meeting in Hollywood. They were like, “This Palestinian’s getting too powerful.” [laughing] “Just send him this unassuming little gremlin to try and kill him with COVID.” I survived, bitch! I survived! [laughing] That was the first time I got COVID. [laughing] The second time, Dave Chappelle calls me again. [laughing] Saying, “Man, what you doing?” I’m like, “I’m recovering from COVID.” [laughing] He’s like, “I’m gonna do these shows in Austin. Joe Rogan is gonna be on it.” “It’s gonna be dope.” “You should join.” I’m like, “Dave, I don’t know if this really worked out for me the first time.” [laughing] And he was like, “Nah, man, this is gonna be different.” “We gonna test every day.” “Last time we were only testing every three days. We’re gonna test every day.” “So we gonna catch that ho and put her in a closet.” [laughing] “You’d be straight.” I was like, “Fuck it, let’s do it.” [huffs] [laughing] We’re like ten days into doing shows and Dave walks up to me and he’s like, “Hey, man, I got this joint from JayZ.” I was like, “Word?” He was like, “Yeah, I got this joint from JayZ.” I was like, “JayZ’s here?” He was like, “Nah, man, JayZ has a weed company and he sent me these joints.” [laughing] “You wanna go? Let’s go roll around your car and let’s smoke this together.” I’m like, “Shit, Dave Chappelle has a joint from JayZ asking Mo Amer if he wants to smoke this shit, you’re damn right, I’m gonna smoke the shit out of this joint.”

[cheering and applause]

Obvious. So then we’re cruising and then he lights up the joint. And I should’ve known better! Because he took a hit and then he goes… [coughs] like this. [laughing] I was like, “You okay, Dave?” He was like, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” “I’m fine. This JayZ weed makes you do JayZ impressions like…” [coughs] “Djeah!”

[cheering and applause]

I took the joint. I took a couple of hits. I was like, [coughs] “… djeahhova!” [chuckles] [laughing] Smoke it. We laughed. It was a great ride. And then I dropped Dave off because it was like 30 minutes until show time. And then I started texting him, I was like, “Say, bro, you want me to swoop you up?” “Is there special guests, should I come later?” And he went silent. And I was like, “This is weird.” “Dave, we just dropped you off, bro. This is really odd.” And then friends started texting me. They haven’t heard from him in, like, weeks. They were like, “Hey, man, is Dave okay?” I’m like, “Yeah, Dave’s okay.” “You don’t know him, that’s my boy.” [laughing] “What are you talking about?” “We just hanging out.” And then they sent me a link. I was like, “What is this link?” So I touched the link and it opens up. And it’s TMZ front page news, “Dave Chappelle tests positive for COVID.” [sympathy from audience] Then I was like, “This can’t be true!” And then I was like, “Shit, It’s TMZ, they’re always right, these motherfuckers.” [laughing] I was like, “How did they know before I knew?” “I just dropped off Dave.” “He called them before he called me.” “Fuck. That’s fucked up, bro.” And then he tried to deny it. I walked up to him and I was like, “Dave, it’s fucked up you gave me COVID a second time.” And he goes, “There’s no way to really prove that, Mo.” [laughing] [laughs] I was like, “Bro, the first day you tested positive I was smoking a joint with you.” “Minutes before you tested positive.” And he got silent and he just goes, “I’m sorry I gave you COVID, bro.” [laughing] [huffs] And then he goes, “Walk it off, at least it’s not AIDS.” And he’s just walking around like this.

[laughing and applause]

[Mo laughs] Is it over? [chuckles] Is it? [grunts and laughs] [laughing] [laughs] So I am done. I had that shit twice. Okay. Fauci, “Only seven people in the world have ever gotten it twi” Bullshit! I’m special, but I’m not that fucking special, Fauci. [laughing] So I’m done. I had it twice. And I’m vaccinated. I’m over it. I’m over it. I got the Pfizer vaccine. [cheering] That’s what I want. Everybody has their favorites, but I went with Pfizer. I want… [laughing] I want like a German scientist making my shit, you know what I’m saying? [laughing] I want the guy like, [in fake German accent] “Yavi, hows the Pfizer? Ya!” “We knew he was coming out of Wuhan.” “The COVID. And we are way ahead of schedule.” “Ya! We have the vaccine! The Pfizer!” That’s the one I want. That’s what I

[cheering and applause]

The what?

[cheering and applause]

“Yaza!” [chuckles] “Hmm, ya, iz good, ya, we have the Pfizer.” [chuckles] [laughing] “You have the Pfizer? I have the Pfizer.” [laughing] [chuckles] I’m not doing Johnson & Johnson. I’m not doing that. [huffs] I don’t even use their regular products. [laughing] And they make too many for my comfort, bro. [laughing] You want me to tell you like, “What’s in the Johnson & Johnson?” “I don’t know, man, like we just started off with a little snake venom in there.” [laughing] “And then we just added some Johnson & Johnson baby powder to thicken it up a bit.” [laughing] “Some Johnson & Johnson baby oil to loosen her up a bit.” “Then we put a goddamn baby in there.” [laughing] “Just a whole fucking baby.” “And we finished it off with a little wild turkey to give it that pop!” “Know what I mean?”

[laughing and applause]

“How many shots do I take?” “No shots, we just pass it mouth to mouth.” “You just come on now…” [laughs]

[laughing and applause]

It’s so absurd. I [huffs] It’s so absurd, like [huffs] Like, vaccines having accents is so ab [chuckles] What’s Moder [huffs] What’s Moderna? [imitating Mexican accent] [laughing] “You got that derna, bro?” “We give you one shot then you Crip Walk out this bitch.” You know what I mean. Like, bra, lets do it?” [laughing] Like I’m g [chuckles] That derna. [chuckles] [grunts and exhales sharply] [laughing] Fuck! [laughing] That’s how I feel inside. [soft laughing] I do. That’s how I feel inside. All the time. Fuck. [laughing] All the time. I’m just… [grunts] fuck. [laughing] [grunts] Fuck. And fuck is just not a potent enough word, to be honest with you. It’s not strong. Once you speak another language, you realize, you realize that the English language is just like a newborn, you know. [laughing] It is. It’s a new language. Like, I speak Arabic. Arabic is an ancient language. [sighs] English is like it’s baby. It wants to grow up and be Arabic one day and it’s just… [laughing] It is, it’s just…

[cheering and applause]

No, it’s fine. It’s just a baby. It’s just a baby. It’s not a It lacks a lot of depth. It’s just not, it’s just not very strong, like “fuck”, it’s nothing. It’s an exclamation point, you know. Even greetings in Arabic takes so long, you know. [soft laughing] Greetings are like, “Peace be upon you.” “And may peace be upon you.” “And the mercy of the divine be upon you.” “And may the mercy of the divine be upon you.” “And may divine light be with you.” “May it be unto you as well.” “May it protect you and your entire linea” “Hey, man, can I get this pack of cigarettes, bro, and get out of here?”

[laughing and applause]

It’s a lot. It’s a lot. In English, it’s, “Hi.” [laughs] That’s it. It’s over. [laughing] [chuckles] It’s over. [chuckles] “What’s up? The sky?” [mock giggles] That’s it, there’s nothing else. [laughs] It’s nothing. [laughs] So when somebody curses you in English, sincerely, you could probably walk away 99.9% of the time if you didn’t get emotionally charged. Really. It’s an oldie but a goodie. “Hey, fuck you!” “I don’t wanna fuck you.” [laughing] And you could, just walk away. [soft laughing] “Hey, go fuck yourself!” “You know what, man? I’ve been really tense lately.” [laughing] “And maybe what I need to do is go fuck myself.” [laughing] “Hey, you’re a motherfucker.” “Not my mom, but…” [laughing] “My exwife did have child from a previous marriage, so I guess I am a motherfucker.” [soft laughing] “And by the way, your father, biggest motherfucker of them all, technically.” [laughing and a whoop] “Hey, you’re an asshole!” “You know what, the eye cannot see itself.”

[laughing]

[applause]

“And I cannot see when I’m being an asshole, so thank you for making me a better person.” And just walk away. “Hey! You’re a pussy!” “Yeah, I’ll take that.” I don’t know why “pussy” always insinuates weakness. Pussy is metaphorically and physically very strong. [loud cheering] So strong!

[cheering and applause]

It’s true. Absolutely true. It’s so strong. It can have a baby. Human life. [whoop] Pounds of human flesh can come out of this little, tiny hole. Pop! And it can have two at the same time. Pop! Pop! [laughing] It can have three. Pop, pop, pop. [laughing] And then it regenerates… like this. [laughing] Almost. Exactly how it was. Almost. [laughing] Almost. Exactly how it was. Maybe if you laugh or cough, you piss on yourself, but otherwise… [laughing] Otherwise, it’s there. Ready for you once again. [laughs] [laughing] [laughing] My friend, Chris, passed a kidney stone out of his dick hole. [laughing] He damn near died, okay. [laughing] He was like, “Oh, God, what’s happening to me?” He was like, “Somebody shoot me!” And it was a grain of sand that came out of his dick hole. Women, “Pop! Pop!” Come back. [laughing] Little grain of sand… [groans] [laughing] You be a dick. I’ll be a pussy any day of the week.

[loud cheering and applause]

[cheering and whistling]

Arabic curse words. [soft laughing] They’re really graphic. [laughing] They’re so graphic I don’t even use them. Honestly, I just… We’re gonna start here and build up. [laughing] Like “Kes Emak”, which means… [murmurs] …”Fuck your mother’s pussy!” [laughing] Very specific. [laughing] [Mo huffs] We take that to another level. “Kes Emak Eli Nafadek” which means… [laughing] Which me two people, “Yeah, I know what that means.” [laughing] [chuckles] Everybody else is on their toes, “What does it mean?” [laughing] It mea “Kes Emak Eli Nafadek” which means, “Fuck the pussy you slithered out of!” Wow! [shocked laughing] [Mo laughs] Astaghfirullah I know, it’s crazy. [laughing] [indistinct] Everyone saw the baby fall out. It’s a visual curse word, that one. [laughing] This is one of my personal favorites, “Yela3n Tarekhek”, Which means, which means, “Damn your entire history.” [laughing] “My greatgrandmother?” “No, bitch, from the beginning of time…” [laughing] “…to present day and everything in between and in the future, fuck your DNA.” [laughing] Astaghfirullah, I don’t need this. It’s a lot. Even Western hand gestures. Not that big of a deal. “Uh, fuck you bro, uh.” [laughing] In England it’s a reverse peace sign. Very confusing. [in fake English accent] “Oh, fuck off, oh.” [laughing] And they try to be like, “No, it’s from the war, yeah.” I’m like, “Shut the fuck up, okay. [laughing] “It’s not that cool.” Arabs, we go to another level. We go sideways, we go “BeTizik”, like this. [laughing] BeTizik, like that. BeTizik, like this. A little pop…

[laughing and applause]

BeTizik, like that. [laughing] Little wiggle. BeTizik, like that. BeTizik, like… [laughs] This means “in your ass.” That’s what this means. [laughing] That’s what… [laughs] [laughing] And if there’s any confusion, you just put the other hand up like this and you go BeTizik, like this. [laughing] And you wiggle it. You wiggle it, all up in the ass, that’s right!

[laughing and applause]

I feel like a lot of people are gonna be leaving here, like, “Hey, Kyle.” “Yeah.” BeTizik bro! [laughing] [Mo laughs] [laughing] Fuck! [soft laughing] [grunting] [soft laughing] [laughs and soft grunts] [laughing] [in Mexican accent] …bro. [soft laughing] Mexicano’s, bro. I love Mexicano’s.

[cheering and applause]

Let me say, growing up in Alief, you can’t… [whoop and cheers] we can’t. You can’t… You grew up around Mexicano’s. You do. And they always sound like they’re in pain. [in fake Mexican accent] “Come on, bro, let’s hang out.” [laughing] “You all right?” “Yeah, I’m doing fine, bro.” “Are you sure?” [soft laughing] Love Mexicano’s. They’re resilient people, hard working people. And it’s fucked up they even started a conversation about putting a wall up. Shit, this never worked it human history. And you keep repeating the same bullshit. First of all, it’s Mexicans. Most creative people I know. Huh? It’s like…

[cheering and applause]

So creative, the Palestinians were taking notes and shit. When El Chapo snuck out of that tunnel with a motorcycle, we’re like, [in Arabic accent] “Hey, Abdallah, come watch, bro.” [laughing] “Hey, he put a motorcycle inside a tunnel, bro?” “We need to do this back home.” Ya Habibi Ya Allah. [laughing] You’re not gonna stop Mexicans, bro. It’s not gonna work. Put up a wall and they’ll just zipline back into the country and shit. They’ll be like, [in Spanish] “Ready, José, I’m ready.” Push me, motherfucker. Come on, go fuck your mother.

[cheering and applause]

[in English] They’d be like, “Did he make it?” “I don’t know, bro.” [laughing] “I think he missed the trampoline.” [laughing] “Ziplining, this is so tricky.” [laughing] “Timing is everything, bro.” [laughs] [laughing] If I was Mexican living in Mexico, I’d flip the whole script. I would. I’d be like, “You know what, bro?” “We’re building a wall, okay.” [laughing] “We’re building a wall. You can’t come to Cancùn no more, puto. How about that?” [laughing and cheering] How about that? That’s it. You’d have the White girls You’d have White girls crying all across America. [laughing] They’re like, [imitating a girl] “Oh, my God.” “I just wanted to go to Cancùn for Spring Break.” “Why are they so racist? I don’t understand.” [laughing] “Now I have to go to Puerto Vallarta.” [laughing] That’s also in Mexico. [girl voice] “Oh, my God!” [laughing]

[soft laughing and applause]

Love Mexicano’s. I love doing accents. It’s a lot of fun, you know. When you can do them like, [in fake Mexican accent] “Come on, let’s hang out, it’s” It’s fun. The German’s fun. [in fake German accent] “Ya, ooh, it’s lovely here.” [laughing] I mean, I fuck with them all day. Russians though, I don’t fuck with Russians. [cheers and laughing] I don’t fuck with anybody that talk like this, [in fake Russian accent] “What you say to me?” [laughing] “You fuck me, my family? What you say to me?” [laughing] I’m like, “I’m good, bra. I don’t trust you.” [nervous laugh] [laughing] A Russian guy in an Adidas tracksuit. I’m good. [in fake Russian accent] “What you say to me? You fuck around?”

[laughing and applause]

“What you say?” “I’m good, bra.” “I’m goo…” I don’t fuck with anybody with a Russian accent and I don’t fuck with anybody with cauliflower ears. [laughing] I don’t fuck with them. And if you talk like this and you have cauliflower MMA ears, I don’t fuck with you either, bro. [laughing] That’s how I knew Khabib Nurmagomedov was gonna be the greatest MMA fighter of all time.

[cheers and applause]

All time.

[applause]

[in fake Russian accent] “He talk like this. And he has the ears.” Fuck that, I’m not fucking with you, bro. You’re a real one. And the way he talks is terrifying. [Russian accent] “Oh, you think you’re real? You think you’re from streets?” “I grow up in real mountain.” Like, “What does that mean, bro?” [laughing] “What does that mean?” “What do you mean you grew up there?” “What did you do there?” [laughs] He’ll say wild shit like, “Oh, yeah, you want to fight?” “I’m gonna change his face.” [laughing] “What is he, Potato Head, bro? You can’t do this.” [laughing] You can’t fuck with him. The guy The man wrestled bears as an eightyearold. This is, you can really look this up. He wrestled bears as an eightyearold child. The only people that would do this, is Dagestani’s. Because there’s levels to being Russian. There’s like regular Russian, there’s Chechnyan, and there’s Dagestani’s! It’s a whole another level, where they wrestle bears, apparently. And from childhood. What the fuck are you talking about? His father, God rest his soul, were the greatest coaches of all time. And how did that conversation even happen? Like he walked up to his dad like, [in fake Russian accent] “Daddy.” [laughing] “Daddy, I really want to be great champion.” “Daddy, please, please, train me, Daddy.” Like, “No, son, you’re not ready.” “No, I’m ready. Please, please.” “Train me, Daddy.” “Okay.” “I go get bear. Let’s see.” [laughing] Brought a bear into the house. What did his mom say? “Hey, honey, what you doing with bear?” “I know, I know.” “Relax, bear, relax.” [laughing] “I bring bear. Okay.” [laughs] “I bring bear. Bear gonna wrestle Khabib.” “Khabib one day will be great champion.” “Defeat racist leprechaun in the future.” [laughing] “Save Islam. Alhamdulillah. Come on.” [cheering and whistling] [huffs] Don’t fuck with Russians. Germans, I’ll fuck with them all day. [in fake German accent] “Ooh, ya, it’s wonderful.” [laughing] I did that accent at my first special and a lot of people messaged me like, “Hey, man, you sound like that fat caterpillar from A Bug’s Life.” [laughing] I was like, “No, I don’t.” And then I watched it and I was like, “Ah, shit, I do sound like that fat” It’s like, [German accent] “Ya, look at my wings. I’m a beautiful butterfly.” [laughs] [laughing] [Mo] Whatever. [grunts] [laughing] It’s such a blessing to be together. Listen, let me tell you something. I sincerely, I am mad at what they did to us. I really am. The fear that they created. And the division they created. It’s fucking infuriating. “Who you voting for? Red or blue?” What am I, Bloods or Crips? That’s what I heard. That’s all I heard. All you are gangsters. Okay. Okay, all of you are gangsters. I’m with the people. Always will be with the people. That’s what it is about for me. When the hurricane came through, my neighbor, Scott, redneck Scott, this guy is the best. Okay. He’s always prepared. So I’m never prepared, because I know he’s prepared. [laughing] He’s always like, “Yeah. I got generators. Hell yeah, I got generators.” “Fuck, yeah, Mohammed, I got you, baby.” You know. [laughing] When I came through he hooked me up, bro. I plugged into the side of his house and took that extension cord all the way across that culdesac and plugged my shit in. And that’s what it’s about, bro. They’re trying to separate us, but the fact is Mohammed’s in Texas get along with redneck Scotts all day.

[cheers and applause]

Fuck what you talking about. Fuck what you talking about. That’s the honest truth. People try to just push this particular agenda and it’s not, I do believe in us. I do. I believe in us and then and then I travel and then I go to an airport and I realize how fragmented we really are. We suck as the human race. We suck. [laughs] We’re all in our own bubbles. Nobody’s paying attention to anybody else. Everybody just You’ll see this in an airport. You’d be walking and all of a sudden the person in front of you just stops and just looks up. “What’s up there?” “I’ll tell you what’s behind you, bitch.” “Thousands of people.” [laughing] “Trying to get where they want to go.” “That’s what the fuck is going on.” “What the hell is wrong with you?” “Get the fuck out of the way, all right.” [soft laughing] If you’re travelling with a carryon with no wheels on it, you’re an asshole, okay. [laughing] You just have them all over your shoulder. You’re a fucking mess. [panting] It’s sliding off. “Oh, sorry.” [panting] Wheels exist. What’s the matter with you? [soft laughing] If you have a carryon with only two wheels, this is what you look like, “Hi.” [giggles] Look how much square footage you’re taking behind you. Why the fuck are you doing this? “Hi.” [giggles] [fake laughs] [laughing] What the fuck are you doing? Four wheels exist, man. This is what you look like in four wheels. Like a smart, intelligent human being. You can go forward. You can go backwards on that whore. You can juke a motherfucker and just keep going. [laughing] You have a baby, you put him on top of it and you keep it cruising. [laughing] Now if you have a four wheel carryon and you only use two wheels, you’re probably the biggest asshole of them all. [laughing] We can’t even read numbers. We get to the boarding gate and they’re like, “Boarding…” “Boarding group one.” [high pitched voice] “I’m in seven, can I go?” [giggles] “Well, what he” “I’m in eight since seven’s going.” “Get the fuck out of the way. What are you doing?” [laughing] Then you get on the plane and here comes the people with no wheels on their bags. [panting] Just clotheslining every other person. [thumping noises] [laughing] They have no clue, they just… [panting] And here comes the assholes with two wheels on their bags. Just dragging it behind them… [laughing] …and they’re getting stuck every other seat. “Sorry, sorry.” [fake laughs] “Sorry.” [fake laughs] Turn it around, whore, and see where you’re going.

[laughing and applause]

Use your eyes. Maneuver. [sighs] Drives me insane. [laughs] Flight attendants, all due respect… [whoop] Well, I would wait to finish the bit, bro. [laughs] [laughing] It’s not good. You’re not saving anyone, all right. You take your job way too seriously. [laughs] [laughing] Somebody has an issue, you just go, “Is there a doctor here? Because I don’t know what I’m doing. Please, somebody.” [laughing] If you have a little bag and it’s a bulkhead, and you have it on the floor, oh, shit. [loud breathing] “We have to put this bag over here.” They’ll shortcircuit on you. “We have to put this bag up top, okay. Just for take off. And they will give it to you immediately after takeoff, okay.” “Well, then, if you gonna give it to me after takeoff, immediately after takeoff, then why the fuck have I got to move it in the first place?” “Just in case we have an emergency exit situation.” “Wait, we’re gonna exit the plane?” “At like 150 miles an hour?” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “No, no, no, we have to move the bag.” “According to the FAAAAA.” [imitates explosion] [laughing] Shut down. God damn shut down. God, the safety announcements. Oh, my God. “Put on your seatbelt, everybody.” “Because that’s what’s gonna save your life. Okay.” “Yes, a seatbelt from 35,000 feet… [laughing] …to pummel into your imminent death. Okay.” “On a floating rock in space.” “That’s what’s gonna save you, is a seatbelt.” No. They just want your ass in the seat after the plane crashes. They don’t want to have to hire a thirdparty company to look for your bitch ass. [laughing] That’s all it is. They don’t. They just want to get there after the crash, “Adams 3F. There he is, yup.” [laughs] [laughing] “Well, most of him, right.” [laughs] [laughing] It’s all they want. [huffs] Because if they really thought the seatbelt was gonna save your life, they would check every single person as if it’s a roller coaster ride, right. They’d be like, “You’re good. You’re good. You’re good.” “You goo Oh, you almost died, Ralph!” [laughing] “You almost died.” They don’t do that shit. They just walk by. “You’re good. You’re fine. Fine.” [laughing] One flight attendant started to argue with me, “No, Mo, what if we’re having a crash landing and we have real bad turbulence, you could fly up and you could break your neck!” I’m like, “That’s what I want. I want to break my neck.” “I want to be the motherfucker like this while everybody’s screaming for their lives. That’s what I want.” And while everybody’s like, “Oh, my God! Were gonna die!” I’m already dead. I’m good to go. [laughing] Just smacking motherfuckers with no wheels on their bags. [smacking noises] [laughing] That’s what I want. [soft laughing] [huffs] Yes, I remember, if we lose cabin pressure, me first, fuck the baby. [laughing] The little oxygen thing comes down. Me first, fuck the baby. Not my rule. Your rule. [laughing] Flew in from New York to Houston. Okay. I live here, but we flew in from New York to Houston and there’s not a single body of water in sight. But we have to worry about this flotation device, everybody. You put the thing on over and you buckle up the front. And then you pull the string… [swoosh noise] like that. And it will inflate. But if it doesn’t inflate, don’t panic! There’s a straw right here. [laughing] That only, apparently, requires one breath. One magical breath. They make this shit look so easy. Just… [blows] “You’re fine everybody, you’re fine.” Bitch, have you ever tried to inflate anything manually in your whole life? [laughing] I did my nephew’s pool party. I damn near died doing his floaties. [laughing] You’re telling me in the middle of a crash landing, we’ll be like… [screams and blows] [laughing] Dead. [laughing] Don’t worry, there’s a second and third layer of protection, okay. There’s a little flickering light, okay. It’s not even a light. It’s a reflective light the size of a dime, I shit you not. The size of a dime and a whistle. Okay. In the vast, echoy, reflective oceans of the Earth, this is how we’re gonna find your bitch ass… [mock whistle noise] “I’m right here.” [mock laughs] [whistle noise] “I’m right here.” [mock laugh] [whistle noise] “You haven’t found the Malaysia plane.” [laughing] “An entire jumbo jet, bitch.”

[cheers and applause]

You’re gonna find my bitch ass, just floating around… [whistle noise] “I’m right here.” [whistle noise] “I’m right here.” You just told all the ocean’s predators your exact location. You’re dead. BeTizik is what I’m saying. [grunts]

[laughing and applause]

[grunting and laughs] [laughs] [laughing] Fuck! [laughing] For the first time, for the first time I ever felt this way in my life. I’m a refugee that came to America, I’m an American citizen, of course, now. But, you know, for the first time everybody that was making fun of Texas in California, right in the middle of the pandemic, “Oh, we need to go to Texas.” Yeah? “You need to come here?” For the first time I felt this way, “Go back to where you came from, son of a bitch.” [laughing] “You’re fucking up our real estate.”

[cheers and applause]

“Go back home.” That’s how I feel. That’s how… I was like, “I get why they do it. It felt good, a little bit. It felt good.” [soft laughing] I am an ArabAmerican. That’s what I am. Didn’t do it. Yup.

[cheering and applause]

PalestinianArabAmer This is… [cheering and whistling] Listen. Thank you. All right, let’s start that party. Let’s do it. Here’s the thing. I’m not doing that for applause. I did that just to tell you that’s how you identify yourself. I am an ArabAmerican. That’s how it works here in America. If you’re not White, you have something before American. [laughing] Unless when I’m buying a gun. That’s the only time. When you’re buying a gun in Texas, the first question is, “Are you hispanic?” Super racist. “No.” [laughs] Next, “Are you AfricanAmeric” “No.” [laughs] And then there, has no ArabAmerican. I was like, you know what, fuck it, “I’m White as fuck today.” “Give me that double barrel, 12 gauge shot gun, baby.” [laughing] But all the other times, all the other times, I’m ArabAmerican. You’re not White in America, you have something before American. That’s how it works out. That’s just the way it is. [laughs] Okay. Unless you’re White. You’re just White. Everybody else, something right before American. Even Natives. Natives are natives. Native Americans. We got to identify… [laughing] …the Native Americans. African Americans. Most of my Black friends have never been to Africa. Nonetheless, they’re African Americans anyway. MexicanAmericans, AsianAmericans, and so forth and so on. Unless you’re White. If you’re White, you just sprouted from the corn fields of Ohio. [laughing] And you just spread across this great land. Unless it’s Saint Paddy’s day, then you’re like, “Oh, shit, my greatgranddaddy was a quarter Irish.”

[laughing and applause]

[huffs] That’s what I am though, an ArabAmerican. And I got to say, as an ArabAmerican, I find it really fascinating to see our culture spreading throughout the West. Really fascinating. It is.

[cheering and applause]

It’s pretty damn cool. Like, if you don’t know what a hookah is, you’re like culturally ignorant. And if you don’t know what a hookah is… “You don’t know what a hookah is, Denise? Where have you been?” [giggles] “It’s like this bong, but it’s not. It’s like so ornate and it has all these different tobaccos flavors. And then there’s this pipe that comes out. And you just prrr.” “Blow it out, it’s so We can get two pipes and we can brrr together, Denise. Oh, my God.” [laughs] And then White people saw this, which is amazing. You got to give it up. They distilled it into a battery and put a cartridge on top of it with some mysterious liquid that nobody’s questioning. [laughing] Everybody just walk around like… [snorts] [growly exhale] [laughing] “It’s perfectly healthy.” “Bro, I’ve never seen that much smoke come out of a hookah.” [laughing] “Much less this little device.” “You’re changing weather climates on a regular basis.” “What the fuck is going on?” “No, it’s healthy.” [mock laughs] [snorts and growly exhale] “It can’t be, bro. It’s a metal with some battery hooked up to some metal. I’m sure you’re fucked.” “Please stop doing this.” [laughing] That’s the first public service announcement. [soft laughing] The second public service announcement, something that Redd Foxx actually tried to spread in America in the early 70’s. And I would say that most Muslims living in the West are all wondering why… nobody wash their ass. I’m just gonna say it. [laughs] [laughing]

[cheers and applause]

It’s really weird. Please wash your ass. [laughs] It’s really weird that bidets are like not the norm, you know what I mean? Why is toilet paper the first and only option? It’s like, that’s it. It’s like leaves, toilet paper, baby wipes, and water. Why? Why would you do this? It’s obvio Everybody’s eating ass. Nobody’s washing their ass. It’s crazy. [loud laughing] It’s crazy. If you got shit on you, you’re like, “Oh, my God, I got shit.” You would wash it off right away. You’re like, “Oh, I’m okay now.” “I got the shit off of me.” But when you go, you’re like, “I’m fine.” And you just walk… [laughing] [huffs] My cousin came to visit me from back home. And he was like, “Hey, I want to try fivestar hotel.” I’m like, “Bro, of course. Enjoy yourself.” And he does it. And I said, “Hey, man, I’ll pick you up at noon at the mall. Next day.” He was like, “Okay.” And I picked him up the next day and I see him, he had this really upset look on his face. I’m like, “What’s going on, bro?” He was like this. I’m like, “What’s going on, bro?” He was like, “Allah Yoqrifhem”. “Allah Yoqrifhem”. I was like, “Bro, you can’t be yelling Allah in the middle of the Galleria Mall like this.” [laughing] “What are you doing?” “Relax.” “What’s the problem?” He goes, “They don’t have a bidet.” “They don’t have a bidet. Five star hotel!” “Not one star, two star, three star, four star, five star hotel! No bidet.” “Every time I go to the bathroom, I have to take a shower.” [laughing] “I’ve taken five showers today, Mo.” [laughing] “I’m more worried about your digestional tract, bro.” [laughing] “Five shits before noon. What are you doing?” [laughing] “Stop eating at IHOP, okay.” [laughing] My friend Nick came over. I upgraded all my toilets after my first Netflix special. Those Japanese toilets. And my friend Nick walks into the bathroom. He walks right back out. He’s like, “Hey, Mo, why does, uh, your toilet have a remote?” [laughing] I was like, “Oh, because it has a builtin bidet and blow dryer.” He was like, “What’s a bidet?” I was like, “You don’t know what a bidet is?” He was like, “No.” I was like, “Oh, my God, I failed you.” [laughing] I was like… I was like, “A bidet is once you go booboo, it sprays water up your around your ass and washes your ass.” His response to me was, “Ew.” I was like, “Ew?” I’m like, “Nick, you’re the ‘ew’ in this equation, bro.” Get in there and wash your ass.

[laughing and applause]

[cheering and applause]

He was in there for like 20 minutes, man. He came out like he was baptized. He was like… He was like… [singsong] Ahahah!

[laughing and applause]

He had a stride in his step. A new confidence I’ve never seen before. [laughing] Second public service announcement. The third one starts off with a question. Imagine it’s World War II era. Okay. Very important. Imagine it’s World War II era in America. And I’m walking around the States like, “Hey, would you like to try some of this sushi?” They’d be like, “Oh, what’s sushi?” You’d be like, “Sushi is a Japanese dish.” They’d be like, “Japanese!” “Get this damn Japfood out of my face!” [soft laughing] Probably what they would say. [soft laughing] Now imagine it’s September 12th, 2001, and I’m walking around the States like, “Hey, would you like to try some of this hummus?” They’d be like, “Oh, what’s hummus?” I’m like, “Oh, hummus is a very Arab dish.” They’d be like, “Arab!” [bash noise] “Get this damn sandniggaalQaidafood out of my face!” [laughing] It’s probably what they would say. [soft laughing] Here’s a very important clarification, the way you say it is “hummus”. It’s an “h”. It’s a “ha”. Okay. Jews, it’s not [Jewish accent] hummus. Okay. [Jewish accent] It’s not hummus. It’s not hummus. “Ghe” is a different letter in our alphabet. Okay. In our lang “Ghe” is a completely different letter. You don’t have the “ghe” in your language. So obviously it’s not yours. Back the fuck up. It’s our hummus.

[cheering and applause]

Back up. It’s what it is. All right. And now hummus is everywhere. “Oh, I want some hummus.” Hummus, some shitty hummus everywhere. Fucking coffee shops have hummus. Seven Elevens have hummus. Every gas station, hummus, hummus, hummus. I was on a flight and the flight attendant comes up, “Would you like to have a little light snack?” I looked at it. I was like, “What the fuck is this?” She’s like, “This is hummus.” I was like, “No, it’s not.” This is a little juice box situation. You rip off a little corner and you get a little potato chip like this. And you squeeze it out. Just metaphorically shitting on my entire lineage. “Fuck your history.” That’s how it feels.

[laughing and applause]

That’s how it feels. “Fuck your grandmother with every shit of hummus that comes out of this thing. Ugh.” It’s not hummus. [soft laughing] I went to Trader Joe’s and they have those samples like, “Hey, would you like to try a some of this chocolate hummus? I was like, “What the fuck? It’s chocolate hummus.” [laughing] And then I just fainted like building seven. I just fainted. [soft laughing] We got to talk about it at some point. [laughing] Went to this South African fine dining South African restaurant when we were filming the movie in Atlanta. And the waiter comes over and he’s like, “Say, bra, we have some red bean hummus here.” I was like, “What the fuck did you just say?” He goes, “We have some red bean hummus here.” I was like, “Bro, are there chickpeas in this?” He goes, “Nah, bra, it’s red bean hummus.” I was like, “Bitch, hummus means chickpeas!” [laughing] This is refried beans, dog.

[laughing and applause]

Frijoles refritos homie. “You’re pawning off Mexican food now?” “As hummus? Get this shit out of my face!” Hummus is very simple. It’s four ingredients, sometimes five. That’s all it is. You get your chickpeas, tahini paste, lemon juice, salt, sometimes garlic. Okay. You get your food processor out. It’s like a little science experiment. Put it all in there, you’re like… [blending noise] “No, no, no. More tahini paste.” [blending noise] “No, no, no. More lemon juice.” [blending noise] You’re like, “Fuck, it’s all lemon juice.” More chickpeas. More tahini paste. “Fuck, it’s all tahini paste again.” “More lemon juice.” [blending noise] Like, “Fuck, it’s all lemon juice. Needs salt.” “Chickpeas and tahini paste.” [blending noise] You’re like, “Fuck, more tahini paste.” You’re like, “Oh, that’s perfect.”

[cheering and applause]

Now you have 20 pounds of hummus right here. [laughing] [huffs] [laughing] This is very important. You scoop out the hummus and you put it in a bowl. Okay. You put the hummus in a bowl! You don’t put it on a flat plate. Nobody know how to dip on a flat plate, bro. You got like race track marks everywhere. [laughing] You got hummus coming over the sides. Complete chaos. You need a bowl to help you with the scoop situation. Okay. Now we’re not done yet. You got that bowl of hummus and you make a little crater right in the middle. Grab some fresh chickpeas, you put it right in the middle for texture. Okay. And then you grab some olive oil. Not that clear yellow shit. Some deep green olive oil. “Oh, what do I do with that?” “Do I just drizzle, a little drizzle of garnish?” “No, whore. You turn it over… [laughing] …and you hold it. Okay.” “One Mississippi, two, three, four.” “If you think it’s too much, it’s not enough. Keep it going.” [laughing] Okay. I like to finish it off with a little lemon juice. And some diced up jalapenos. And I put them on each corner like that. Now if I serve you this extremely authentic Palestinian hummus and you grab a carrot, I’m gonna fuck you up, okay. [laughing] “I just want to try it and I’m watching my carbs.” “It’s not for you, ho. Back the fuck up!” [laughing] You need some fresh hot, fresh hot steamy pita bread. You rip off a little corner like this. And you put it together. And it just binds because it’s so steamy. You make a perfect cone and when you dip, you dip like this… You dip towards yourself. You don’t dip out! You’re like, “Oh, I wanna taste like what it’s like on that side.” “Bitch, it’s the same hummus on each side. Okay.”

[laughing and applause]

“Nobody wants your stinky ass fingers in their hummus, all right.” “Oh, but I wanna taste what’s on that side.” “You know what, I’m gonna put a wall right in the middle of the hummus.”

[cheering and applause]

“Put a wall right here.” All right. That side is hummus. This side is hummus. I was looking for a onebowl solution, but you won’t share, so BeTizik is what I’m saying.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you so much, Houston. I love you. Thank you so much.

[cheering and applause]

[Mo] Man, I love you all. Take a seat, take a seat. What a beautiful thing. What a beautiful gathering. I take all of this very, very seriously. I’m gonna tell you why it’s all so important to me. It took me 20 years to get my citizenship. It’s talked about in my first special. I am Palestinian and it was the first time I was able to actually go back to Palestine. [whoops and cheers] Because you’re not allowed, you’re not allowed to go back, even though my mother’s born there, my greatgrandmother’s born there, my grandmother, my greatgrandmother… We have a thousand years of history there. Still cannot go there until you get your US passport. And it’s still an obstacle when you get there, you know. When you first get there, like, “Where you from?” “Bitch, where are you from?” [laughing] And she said, “Uzbekistan.” It’s tough. It’s a difficult thing. You always think about going home. Your mom talks about it. You see my family back home. And you want to go see it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m saying “back home”, this is my home too. This is my house. My father is buried here.

[cheers and applause]

You understand?

[applause]

[Mo sighs] So we went, for the first time I went to Burin, a little village short of Nablus, where my family is from. It was beautiful. I got to see my aunts. Amazing, cooking up feasts. This didn’t get here by no accident. [laughs] Some home cooking. You know. Sitting there with my aunts and I’m looking out over the landscape, thinking about my ancestors, thinking about my father, thinking about my history. I’m like, “Wow, I need to go to my grandparent’s house, who are no longer with us.” I was like, “I have to go to my grandparent’s house.” “I have to see where my mother was born.” “I have to see this, please take me over there.” So they take me over there. And I just sit and of course I had tears of joy and happiness. So much going on and we go to the rooftop. I’m like looking around. I’m like breathing in the air soaking it all up. I’m like, “Ah.” And I see these walls. These walls everywhere and it’s sad, but, you know. It is very sad and hopefully we can get past this at some fucking point. But I’m looking out into the village. I’m focused on the village. And I see this mosque in the middle of the village. And I look at my cousin, I was like, “How long has that mosque been there?” He’s like, “Hundreds of years. Like it’s been there for a hot minute, bro.” I was like, “I have to go pray there.” “I have to go pray there. I’m sure my father prayed there, my grandfather, my greatgrandfather. I have to go pray there.” He was like, “Let’s go.” So we go. And I prayed there. I was meditating. I was like, “Wow, what a beautiful thing, experiencing this. This is amazing.” And then these, like, five other guys were like, looked up at the clock and they were like, “Hey, man, it’s time for our Maghrib prayers.” I’m like, “What?” He was like, “Yeah, go do the call for prayer right now.” I’m like, “Bro, I’m not gonna do the call for prayer. I just got here, bro.” [laughing] They were like, “But you have the beard.” I’m like, “Not you too, bro.” “I’m just fat. I don’t want everybody to see the chin. You know what I’m saying?” Then he’s like, “No, you have to do the call for prayer.” “The time is now and you have to do the call for prayer.” I’m like, “Bra, I’m not gonna do the call for prayer.” And they’re like, “You have to do the call for prayer.” And they’re like, “You don’t know the call for prayer?” I was like, “Yeah, of course I know the call for prayer.” “But I had to go and speak into that microphone, a little tiny little microphone.” “For the whole village, bro?” “I performed in front of thousands of people, but this is a lot of stress, bro. Scared to make mistakes.” “There are religious implications to this situation.” And they’re like, “No, you have to do it.” I was like, “Okay, I’ll do it!” And I walk up and I was like, “Cousin, be next to me because I’m nervous. Make sure I don’t mess up.” [sighs] So I do the call for prayer. Throughout the whole entire village. And I’m overcome. I was like, “Oh, my God, this is amazing.” “What is this thing that’s been written for me?” “I can’t believe this happened.” Right as I’m thinking this a man just crashes right into the mosque. [crash noise] “Who did the call for prayer?” Like this. And everybody sells me out. “This guy. This guy did the call for prayer.” [laughing] “This guy did the call for prayer.” I was like, “Forget you all, man. You forced me to do the call for prayer!” He’s like, “Why did you do it?” I was like, “I just told you they forced me to do the call for prayer.” He goes, “Well, you just did it ten minutes early, bro.” “You did it ten minutes early.” I was like, “That clock is flashing, man. It’s saying it’s time.” He goes, “That clock is ten minutes ahead.” I was like, “I didn’t know that. That’s a digital clock. Push the little buttons and it will fix the whole thing. Okay.” [laughing] “You want me to do it?” And he goes, “Wait, wait, wait, wait.” “I’ve been in the village my entire life.” “I know everyone in the village.” “Who are you? I’ve never seen you before.” “Who was your father?” I tell him who my father is. He goes, “Oh, my God.” He goes, “Oh, my God.” “Your father is Mustafa?” I was like, “Yes, my father is Mustafa.” He goes, “You know who installed the sound system in this mosque?” “Your father did.”

[applause]

It was truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life. And I had to tell you this story. Because just because I’m Palestinian and I’m forced to live where I am, it’s not what it is. Houston is the city that raised me. And now Netflix is the label that pays me.

[loud cheering]

I love y’all. Thank you so much, Houston, I love you guys.

[cheering and applause] [cheering]

[quirky flute music playing]

On September 16, 2021, Mohammed Mo Amer would be recognized for his work which continues to inspire, encourage, and of course make people laugh, while providing particularly unique and valuable encouragement to Arab-Americans and other artists from underrepresented minority communities. Therefore I Therefore I, Sylvester Turner, major of the city of Houston, hereby proudly proclaim this day, September 16th, 2021, as Mohammed Mo Amer day in the city of Houston.

[cheering]

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